#you dont get it and honestly i just refrained myself from giving a whole ass speech

[purrrrrrna]

x

[444newbeginnings]

Didn't date check my last post before coming to write this one so ill see after, how long its been. Im falling apart.... theres so much to say and honestly im too tired to even explain. Im going to see my primary care doctor this friday (black friday) and im going to see if she can refer me to a therapist on my insurance. I have never been this low in my life and life is really kicking my ass. My relationship is good when its good and very bad when its bad. No matter how i try to explain it or approach things, i keep ending up sweeping my feelings under a mat and atp its extremely noticeable. Like someone trying to hide a stack of books under a thin bed sheet. It looks ridiculous, right? Which is one of the places i feel all this anger stems from. Yes i have trauma and baggage that I am processing and healing from, which i am aware. But, its also the fact that she doesn't get it. I can't say anything or express my feelings (the not so good ones) without it hurting hurt feelings or making her feel attacked or making her feel like im pointing the finger or making her feel like im only worried about myself or making her feel like she's taken for granted/unappreciated. Granted, i try my hardest to refrain from making her feel any of those ways and try to keep them in mind instead of chucking it up to her just crying wolf in situations that start from me coming to express myself. The problem is though that my feelings usually dont get addressed. And if they do, they're already hurt by then and even more hurt by the way the conversation goes when i try to express them. I try to explain it and she thinks "everything with you has a list or rules or is like wikipedia" (her words). I would much rather her go back to saying i talk to much. Yes some things are just hard to hear and sometimes there isn't an easy way to share an honest feeling. I get that. I try to make her get that. Just because it hurts to hear doesn't mean im in the wrong for saying it. Granted, I KNOW the situations where this doesn't apply!!! Me saying something smart or sarcastically , in a way that obviously would hurt someones feelings or that i know for a fact could have been said differently, does not fall under this. She however does not know the difference. Her words hurt especially when it feels like what and how she said something, is completely unnecessary. Example: the other morning, when she came back from the bathroom i tried to get cuddles because i hate just jumping out of the bed immediately in the morning or into our phones, the day, whatever, without some kind of moment to ourselves, a good morning, a how are you feelings, a check in. I make a comment, jokingly, and say well maybe if you weren't on your phone we could take a minute to cuddle. Saying it to say like get off your phone and love me. She looks at me and says "im on my phone because we're stressed and behind on billls and im checking my application replies (something of that nature but definitely on quote we're stressed and behind on bills). I thought that entire sentence was completely hurtful and unnecessary, not to mention me having a whole emotional breakdown about me feeling fucked up about our situation and me feelings like im drowning and not wanting to be here just for you to turn around, look me in my eye and say that?? The very next day.. it really hurt my feelings. Then when i try to explain the fact that maybe you shouldn't just throw things up in the conversation like that after having said emotional breakdown, im giving too many rules and list and im never satisfied. Its about your insensitivity. You can really be an asshole sometimes, at the worst times. I just dont get it. I know im not a mean or nasty person, especially not for you to carry me that way with the things you say to me. Yes when im angry and we're arguing, im a monster. Which i can acknowledge and i try my hardest not to be and still trying to work on it. Hopefully the therapist will help with that part but outside of that, im not this ungrateful, snappy, mean person you make me feel like .......

[soldier-angel]

I know nobody follows this blog but if you do stumble upon this, I want to let you know it gets better. I got my own self out of this, my eating disorder took away 5 years of my life, the last 2 years I spent in complete numbness and depression, I couldnt see the next day and I was in a constant loop of promising myself getting better and breaking that promise even when i hated dishonest people. I hated myself. I lost friends, almost failed school and was all alone. I was so, so fucking lost. I spent the whole summer drinking, messing up relationships, not taking my meds or visiting my doctor after I was let out of rehab 3 times. However I did reach my breaking point where i felt my heart stopping after intense sprinting, I was crying and calling my psychiatrist not knowing what to do. That was 3 days from my 18 birthday, and it that moment something just happened. I was brought into hospital, kept there filled with fluids to get my electrolytes stabilized. They checked my heart stats all night. I was told i could never have my heart back the way it was, but at least I would live. For some goddamn reason that was the wakeup call i needed. I started to try to get better. After a week I had to go to hospital yet again because of the constant panic attacks I felt like dying all over again and I was so sure the doctors missed something and I would be a goner. Turns out after 2 years of not drinking medication and being under constant stress warps into vegetative dystonia. I was sent to emergency psychiatrist which turned out to be my past doctor. She saw the desperation in getting better and overcoming the fear of death. She put me back on antidepressants. The first weeks were rough, I couldnt eat too much food and not get sick, I still jad bad days where I threw up but not always on my own accord, my stomach was just used to be completely empty all the time or being overfed and being taken all that food away again. The meds started to work after a month, since i didnt constantly throw them up. I was still afraid of weight gain, but refrained from using scales, it took a lot of willpower to not weigh myself 8 times a day but i did manage. I took up trying out new foods and recipes and learnt to make asian kitchen since i felt like that was my safe heaven i could confine in, more healthy food. I had two friends. One I had fixed my relationship with and the other was just always there for me. I honestly believe I would not have made it out fully without them, the best distraction from the bad thoughts I could ask for. I started to feel so much better in the last 2 months. I could finally eat foods and not think too much about it. When I went to my doctors I cried from happiness while telling her I can just eat something I want and not overthink it to the last detail. My weight also stabilized and I am at a healthy weight and I do not hate it. I also finally managed to finish school and get into college political studies, which is something I really want to do. I also started working and have become less anxious around new people. Sure I am still at home person, but it is so much easier to exist. This summer I also met some amazing people and honestly, life could not be better. Of course I will have my ups and downs, but I am so so so proud of myself and how far I have come, I wish my 13 year old self knew better. Everyone is able to be strong even if you do not believe yourself, some day it will happen and you will see life differently, just dont give up on your mind and body.

Sincerely Itans, recovery suck ass but it has lovely results, love yourselves.

[ggukiefrappe]

Limerence · 2

Member: Jimin x Reader

Genre: Mystic Messenger!au; fluff; slight angst; swearing; slight drug use

Summary:

Lim·er·ence

/ˈlimərəns/

The state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.

I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I thought it was just a game, guess not.

*Y/N has entered the chatroom*

Kim Seokjin [9:15]: I can’t believe you have to go to school on your break

Jeon Jungkook [9:15]: I KNOW RIGHT! IT’S SO DAMN OUTRAGEOUS DON’T YOU THINK???

Jeon Jungkook [9:15]: like its called TERM BREAK for a reason… so we dont go to school

Jeon Jungkook [9:15]: yet, we still have to for that stupid seminar

Jung Hoseok [9:15]: Don’t forget you need to get your report card, kook

Jeon Jungkook [9:15]: i knoww, its just that I have to get it with my parents but they aren’t even here.

Jeon Jungkook [9:16]: They told me I still needed to go ;’((

Jeon Jungkook [9:16]: They told me to bring like a representative or something

V [9:16]: Suga or Namjoon can be your representative

Jeon Jungkook [9:16]: THAT’S NOT THE POINT!!!

Jeon Jungkook [9:16]: the point is, i’m not supposed to be in school :(( it’s term break they should at least give us the WHOLE week to rest from all those exams...

Suga [9:16]: heh, thank God I don’t go to school anymore

Jeon Jungkook [9:16]: Just 2 more years, just 2 more years….

Kim Namjoon [9:16]: Keep telling yourself that kid

What… these People, I mean AI are really weird. It’s kinda funny actually. I read the chats being written before me. Contemplating whether or not I should speak up first but,

Suga [9:16]: oh….

V [9:16]: what is it??

Suga [9:16]: OH…

Jung Hoseok [9:16]: Suga what is it? Just say it

Suga [9:16]: INTRUDER!!!!!

Suga [9:16]: THERE’S AN INTRUDER!!

Looks like he beat me to it… I started typing out an introduction. Should it be like a short Hi… or like a long ass paragraph introducing myself??? Honestly, I myself didn’t know why I was so flustered… they were just AIs… right?

Suga [9:16]: reveal yourself, intruder

Suga [9:16]: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Jung Hoseok [9:16]: wait, r u srs??

Suga [9:16]: well yeah, why’d I lie about this??

Jung Hoseok [9:16]: I don’t know I just thought you were joking

V [9:17]: I don't think this is a laughing matter… you, whoever you are, who are you?

Jeon Jungkook [9:17]: Yeah, who are you? Just come out, we don't bite :)

Kim Namjoon [9:17]: maybe it can’t talk? Maybe it’s just a bug

Kim Seokjin [9:17]: Yeah, maybe it’s a bug

Suga [9:17]: I don’t think so

This is honestly, the most awkward thing I've ever done. Fuck I should’ve stayed home. I quickly wrote a reply to the accusations.

Me [9:17]: Hello, My name’s Y/N, and I am NOT a bug, thank you very much.

Kim Seokjin [9:17]: IT TALKS

Me [9:17]: umm excuse you? I’m a ‘her’??

Kim Seokjin [9:17]: are you?

Me [9:17]: ==” i’m done.

V [9:17]: anyway, How did you get here?

Me [9:18]: I don't know??

Lying is that bad right… I did promise Christian I won’t tell them.

Suga [9:18]: where did u find this app?

Me [9:18]: well that’s a dumb question… the place where I download apps. The app store .-.

Suga [9:18]: What… it’s not supposed to be there

I know it’s not from the app store, what else was there for me to say?? Frustrated, I typed the first thing I had in mind, with a little sarcastic smile at the end of course.

Me [9:18]: then how did you all got this app then? The app store :))

Kim Namjoon [9:18]: Suga?

Suga [9:18]: I’m checking it right now

Jung Hoseok [9:18]: where are you from Y/N?

Me [9:19]: home??

Jung Hoseok [9:19]: HAHAHA very funny

Jung Hoseok [9:19]: no srsly though

Me [9:19]: umm

Me [9:19]: anyway, I came with good news :))

Me [9:19]: that's good, right?

Suga [9:20]: GUYS

Jeon Jungkook [9:20]: what’s wrong?

Jeon Jungkook [9:20]: did something happen??

Suga [9:20]: I can’t track her location at all

Why the fuck is he tracking my location? That’s kinda stalkerish… Trying to maintain the secrecy, I tried my hardest to avoid as many questions thrown at me as possible but, but... it’s not working out too well.

Kim Namjoon [9:21]: let’s change the question… what’s your purpose here?

Me [9:21]: I was told to host parties.

V [9:21]: parties? Like the A.F.A?

Me [9:21]: I guess

Me [9:21]: anywayy, when can i meet Aria? I’m here cause of her

Jeon Jungkook [9:21]: what.

Kim Seokjin [9:22]: did I read it wrong?

Suga [9:22]: Aria?

Jung Hoseok [9:22]: looks like someone’s not to date…

Kim Namjoon [9:22]: V’s here. Y/N, please refrain from subjects regarding Aria

V [9:22]: It’s fine Namjoon, Y/N I don’t know how you know Aria but

V [9:23]: She’s not with us anymore

V [9:23]: She left us 6 months ago

Me [9:23]: oh…

Suga [9:23]: should I cut her off?

Jeon Jungkook [9:23]: NO

Jeon Jungkook [9:23]: she knows something about Aria

Jeon Jungkook [9:23]: aren’t you guys curious??

Well, this is interesting. I didn’t know this Aria person was THAT important.

Kim Seokjin [9:24]: I'm curious

Kim Seokjin [9:24]: but more suspicious

Kim Namjoon [9:24]: same, she might be a dangerous person for all we know

V [9:24]: Suga, is it possible for you to connect me through?

V [9:24]: I want to call Y/N

Me [9:25]: you can just say it here

Jeon Jungkook [9:25]: yeah, you can just say it here

V [9:25]: Its a slightly delicate subject that I can’t really say here

Jeon Jungkook [9:25]: is it about Aria?

Jeon Jungkook [9:25]: there you go again, keeping your secrets.

Damn, this is real. Are they gonna fight? Shit. I don’t want to be in the middle of it…

Me [9:25]: umm guys, I don’t think it’s the time to fight right now

Kim Seokjin [9:25]: she’s right.

Kim Seokjin [9:26]: I know it’s upsetting for you Jungkook but let’s just see what happens first

Kim Namjoon [9:26]: Are you sure V?

V [9:26]: yes, it's fine

V [9:26]: There’s something that I have to ask her, even if there are risks, I must endure them.

V [9:26]: I’d like to think that Aria wanted the AFA parties to continue, even when she’s gone

V [9:26]: which is why she sent Y/N to come and do it for her

That’s right. I don’t know what you’re talking about but okay.

Kim Namjoon [9:27]: but we still don’t know whether or not you are to be trusted

Me [9:27]: I know that… but let’s try to get along yeah?

Jung Hoseok [9:27]: but still though

Jung Hoseok [9:27]: don’t you think a background check is necessary?

Kim Namjoon [9:27]: yes.

Suga [9:27]: well, i’ll try

Suga [9:28]: that’s okay with you right?

Me [9:28]: i guess?

Me [9:28]: anyway, all I have to do is help arrange the party yes?

Jeon Jungkook [9:28]: yep ^^ i think you’ll get emails from guests? You’ll just have to arrange those

Kim Seokjin [9:28]: yess but the date of the party is yet to be set

V [9:29]: I will inform the date later on but for now, starting is good

Me [9:29]: okay! I’ll try to get started

Add one more task that I'll procrastinate on I guess. Sighing, I added ‘guest emails’ onto the list of ‘things that are due’.

V [9:30]: I guess I should go now Kim Namjoon [9:30]: Okay, see you around Me [9:30]: bye V~ V [9:30]: guess I'll talk with everyone later

*V has left the chatroom*

Kim Namjoon [9:30]: we should go back to work Hoseok

Jung Hoseok [9:30]: I guess we should huh, Joonie?

Jung Hoseok [9:30]: we’ll talk again later!

*Kim Namjoon has left the chatroom*

*Jung Hoseok has left the chatroom*

Well, I mean since everyone’s leaving, might as well leave too right? I’m kinda hungry too anyway.

Me [9:31]: Guys, I think I have to go now too, I need to finish my report for my psychology class ㅠㅠ

I used my ‘need to finish my report’ excuse again even though everyone knows, I'm gonna do it the night before.

Me [9:31]: it was nice meeting you guys! I’ll come back soon

Jeon Jungkook [9:31]: YOU’RE STILL IN UNIVERSITY TOO??

Me [9:31]: YES! YOU TOO??

Oh, a fellow university student. Nice, we shall suffer together.

Jeon Jungkook [9:31]: what year are u in?

Me [9:31]: 2nd, you?

Jeon Jungkook [9:31]: OMG SAME

Me [9:31]: OMG I HAVE A NEW FRIEND HI

Jeon Jungkook [9:31]: HI FRIEND

Me [9:31]: anyway, I gotta go. Byeee

Jeon Jungkook [9:31]: okay! Have fun with that report

Kim Seokjin [9:31]: See Kookie, follow a fellow university student. Actually, do your projects instead of playing Overwatch all the time

Jeon Jungkook [9:31]: WELL I’M SORRY.

Heh, cute. I smiled as I read the text. As AIs, they have good chemistry together, then again they were programmed to do so. Damn Christian’s hot and smart.

*Y/N has left the chatroom*

Well, that’s that. I met the characters of the game. I got out up from the bed and started walking around the room. This is one big ass room. I wish it was mine. Damn. I checked the closet and to my surprise, it was full of clothing. And by the looks of it, it all looked brand new. As I examined the new surrounding of the beautiful room, my phone rang.

“Hello?” I spoke through the phone.

“Yeah, It’s V. I said I was gonna call?” He confirmed

“Ah, yes, what is it?” I hesitantly asked.

“Let me start off by introducing myself, My name is V and I'm the leader or head of the AFA.” He introduced. “I wanted to ask you something but I was afraid if I asked in the chatroom the other members would be surprised.”

“What is it that you want to ask?” I questioned

“It’s just… you said you knew Aria so, I just wanted to know how you knew her” his voice dropping as he spoke.

“Ahh, she was a friend of my friend’s friend. Basically speaking, she was an acquaintance of a friend I knew.” I lied.

“Ahh, is that so… then I guess you wouldn’t really know anything about her since you guys are distant.” disappointment was written all over his voice. “Anyway, I hope we get along well with each other and get to know each other more”

“Yeah, sure.” I smiled.

“Well, for now, goodbye.”

“Bye,” I hung up.

As I walked towards the big window overviewing a beautiful garden, a knock was audible from the gigantic door.

“Come in,” granting access to whoever was entering the room.

“Y/N? I saw the chat you had with the AIs, you did well.” you looked over to see a smiling Christian by your door. “It was a good chat I assume?” he came closer

“It was okay,” I smiled. “But don’t you think you made them super realistic? Not saying it’s a bad thing.” he smiled at your question

“That’s what I was going for, that’s good I guess.” his soft hands were holding mine, beautiful brown eyes looking straight into mine, smiling as he spoke, “you haven’t had lunch yet right?”

“Not yet, I had to get here remember?” mesmerized by his beautiful brown eyes, I just can’t look away.

“I’ll get you something to eat.” he brought me closer to him. I felt something soft touch my forehead as he started to envelop me with his arms, bringing me into his warm embrace. “If anything happens, please promise me you won’t leave my side, please”

I returned his embrace, nuzzling my face into his chest, “I won’t leave, I promise.”

“Good.” He let me go, eyes locking with mine. “I’ll go get your lunch.” He started to leave.

“Christian, umm… I have this report due in like 3 days and I don’t really have anything to write it on… do you think I can borrow a laptop or a computer or something so I can get it finished?” I played with the hem of my shirt, looking down at the floor, unable to look at him.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll get it with your food.” you can hear him smiling as he left your room.

He’s hot, smart, cute and romantic. He’s practically perfect. A walking Prince Charming, is he not?

[dekumidoriyall]

I am a wreck man. I liked it better when I could go home and cry alone. But now "home" is ykws place and he sees me cry and I'm over it.

And if I just leave the place to cry he will also notice bc he pays too much attention which I'm not mad at I guess it's better than him not noticing anything at all which would probably make it worse. Like I know my brain would turn that into "wow he doesn't even notice when you're upset he doesn't care at all" which my ex never noticed and that was exactly the case sometimes. But then again if I actually wanted to fake it I could, but I try not to as much bc that only makes me feel worse. I'd rather not fake it, bc one that's more exhausting, and two, my brain would again try to convince me no one notices bc they don't care. And then I have to tell myself , like yeah no shit jazz you're great at faking it. So I try not to fake it with ykw, I just tone it down a bit and then will lie about it. Which is dumb and I'm glad he called me out on it. And I get he shouldn't have to drag it out of me but also I really do feel my own thoughts are sometimes irrational which is why I double layer my thoughts and have to think about them. And then it sucks when I know I'm being sad or upset for a dumb reason and then he wants to ask me about it and it's like I already know I'm dumb for even thinking this but I don't want him to know how dumb I think i am sometimes. At least how dumb my first thoughts can be sometimes. Bc like I said, I'll tell myself hey that's nonsensical. I am rational believe it or not, it's just the second layer which I thank God I'm self aware enough to at least acknowledge when my own thoughts or feelings are being dumb.

But I have been feeling distant lately and I'm sad about that at a surface level, bc I know my language is quality time and v close after that is physical touch. Like I think QT is 11 and PT is 8, and then it goes words of affirmation at 7 and then acts of service at 4 (which is weird bc I actually think this is how I show it most but I don't receive it the same) and then of course receiving gifts at 0 bc y'all know I don't care jack shit at all for things or gifts or stuff.

And it sucks bc I just live there. It's like we've said. We're just friends. So at not just the surface level but at the second level, I get even more upset with myself for being upset in the first place bc it's like c'mon jazz it doesn't matter, y'all don't owe each other anything. Y'all can talk to whomever. Y'all can do whatever tf y'all want. Y'all aren't together. It doesn't really matter. You know me, I'm no good in the middle or with uncertainty. Uncertainty is my Achilles heel.

But idk he hasn't been as cuddly lately, doesn't do the hand to waist thing almost at all anymore. We had sex (which I know is opposite of physically distant) but I dont even know where that came from but I craved the small stuff so much that I was like I'll take this if this is all I can get. I mean don't get me wrong I thoroughly enjoyed it (although some foreplay would've been extra nice) and would ten ten do again but Physical touch isn't necessarily sex. For me it's the cuddling and the hugs and the orbiting and the almost hand holding and when the hand holding does happen it's nice. So it's not necessarily I'll take what I can get more so that I've been feeling a detachment and it was nice to feel wanted I guess. And i think this is what I like to use the most which is why I'm always like running my hands in his hair and beard and probably annoy him with the lack of physical space. But lately I feel I have to initiate all that or have to refrain completely bc I don't want to annoy him or suffocate him and again we aren't together so I shouldn't even be concerned with any of that. But I actually drafted a post about the sex thing but I couldn't even finish it bc I still am actually surprised by it. Like I honestly would've thought it was a dream if it weren't for me being sore. Like it had been months and wow it felt so great. But I literally have no idea where it came from. Literally a day before the boy and I were talking about a sermon about that. And don't get me wrong, I'd probably do it again, but there isn't a container at all right now. We aren't even dating and I can't justify it. Like of course I care about him and I have, ya know, those extra feelings, but as far as I know with him, I'm just a candidate. The "only candidate" as he put it a week or so ago, but who knows.

Again it comes back down to insecurity and uncertainty. But I put myself in this position. I started thinking about maybe I shouldve moved in with Momo but tbh I'd feel even more isolated and uncertain there so I cut that out thank God bc the enemy was really trying hard with that one.

Idk I guess nothing is really wrong it's just me I guess questioning my role in other people's lives. And I pray that I stop, bc at the end of the day it's just me and god and that relationship that matters.

Yeah I think my alignment is off, like pastor Steven furtick said in his contentment commandments sermon, if you feel like you're in a hurry, you're alignment is off. So I just need to refocus on God. Nothing else matters and I know it's easier said than done or even trying to convince me, but it won't stop me from trying.

Idk, I wish I cared less. About everything and everyone. All caring has ever gotten me is getting hurt.

And I don't want to talk about this which is why I'm writing it out. And if he needs to then I will try my best to talk it out and I don't want to not write on here bc I know he reads it, and I also don't want to refrain any of my feelings either bc this is the only way I can get them out. And sometimes I can't talk and be open about them and this is the next best thing. But I do promise to try. I am trying to be more open with him. And I wrote that thing about not being vulnerable with him and i don't want to go backwards. It was one of my intentions going into this year and I'm not gonna let one night that was bad timing ruin that. And honestly being vulnerable and open and honest with someone is very unlike me bc I am always on guard with people even though it doesn't seem it if you actually know me unless you're AJ or Kel who have gotten to know me under the surface bc even my daddy issues™ are open forum and I don't mind talking about that. But there are under the surface vulnerable feelings I've had on that that only few people know. So while it seems that I am open, I actually am always playing defense. Observing people and knowing more than I let on and feeling more than I let on. Idk I don't know if AJ gets the fact that I keep stuff to myself not bc I necessarily don't trust him, but bc the more people know about you the more they can hurt you. And idk aj knows more than Kel at this point when it comes to things that could potentially be used against me. And that's fucking terrifying.

And then always at the back of my head is this is all temporary. At any point he could get tired of me and I'd have to uproot and move again.

And you know what I have been giving him a lot of backstory lately. In the last month or so, since we had that talk about me being open, and since the first open up during Xmas and even before then when we kinda talked when we hot boxed the closet, I've been more open these past few weeks than I have the entirely of our friendship. And I don't get much back. I don't pry ever. It's not like I don't notice things. I just let him be and if he wants to tell me things then he can. Idk maybe he shows he cares by doing the prying and getting me to talk to him and tbh that's a good call bc if he didn't then I probs would spiral into a whole he doesn't care headspace. So I'm not gonna complain. And I hope he doesn't think that I don't care or notice, I just don't mind that he plays defense. Bc I do that with everyone. Well it's not that I don't mind, it's just i understand. But I notice when he gets heavy, and he won't talk to me about it or open up to me until after and even then he just brushes over it.

I don't know I feel like this post is going in circles but the more I write the more stuff is just coming to the forefront and i actually feel better but im not entirely sure any of this is coherent and also i probably misspoke on some things. But I feel better.

Long story short, I'll keep opening up bc it's something I haven't done so maybe it will be the thing that will help. And it's scary and I can't promise him 100 percent but I can promise to try and give more. I just need him to understand that I keep stuff to myself out of defense.

I'm not upset at him for anything even all the distance I've been feeling, it's just I'm sensitive to any slight change in behaviour, just like he is. He thinks he's the only keen one, and I'll give him props he's good, slightly better than me, I just don't speak on it. It doesn't bother me that he doesnt tell me everything. But my mind does go crazy with assumptions when I do notice any changes.

I just want us both to be light again. I think we've both been a bit heavy. I think we're both stressed about things that have nothing to do with each other but does affect our friendship.

We just both are people who get in our own heads. But we deal with it differently, which is okay. This is all a journey, a learning curve. And honestly it wont get better unless we both communicate better. But when neither of us likes to feel vulnerable or show weakness, it's kinda difficult. Especially me. I'm not gonna speak for him. I have to actively be aware of it. Its only 8 days into the yesr so I don't think I'm necessarily failing at choosing joy or opening up, I think it's the fact that I'm doing that is such a radical shift that I'm kinda grinding the gears within myself. So it's just growing pains.

Sorry for the long ass post I just needed a big mind dump and to turn my thoughts around from where they were bc I actually feel like I kinda made some progress within myself.

Anyway the other night was great, both AJ meeting my family and ya know coming back home. So I fully intend to still post that draft I was writing (I really still am in disbelief) bc it was about both those things. Just maybe when I let it sit for a bit longer. Also I kinda still wanna keep it for myself for a bit. I have a lot of thoughts about it. Good and maybe some, not bad, but just tangents I guess. So soon.