#you don’t look at your platonic bro like he hung the actual moon and stars oK

[wxnters-children]

How Bucky looks at Sam during the entirety of TFATWS ✨

[laurasauras]

2019 fanfiction summary!

Happy new year! This post is to revisit my most popular fics by kudos for every month of 2019! (Where I updated a fic in multiple months, I chose the earliest update and didn’t double up). The quotes I’ve chosen were posted in the corresponding month.

January: Long-Distance (Dave/John, NSFW, finished, 4k)

‘Dave,' John says, and he's using his commanding voice. The one he used last time he came down to visit you. You dropped to your knees so fast after he told you to that you actually had bruises the next day. You're kinda powerless against John's commanding voice.

'Yeah,' you say.

'You're gonna take me to the movies. And you're gonna do what I say. 'Cause you're good for me, aren't you?'

February: Olympus (alphabetaot8+Karkat, Dave/Karkat, NSFW, illustrated, finished, 24k)

CG: WHEN I LEAVE OLYMPUS AND PEOPLE ASK ME, HEY, KARKAT, YOU HAD AN INCREDIBLE RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE. TELL US, WHAT ARE THE GODS LIKE? CG: I’M GOING TO HAVE TO TELL THEM THAT YOU’RE ALL HORNY BASTARDS WITH NO CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS. CG: FUCK IT, YOU DON’T DESERVE MY OPEN COMMUNICATION ABOUT WHAT RANDOM TIDBITS I’VE PICKED UP FROM MY VISIONS. CG: SUFFER IN IGNORANCE WONDERING WHAT SECRETS PAST KARKAT HAS WHISPERED THROUGH MY DREAMS AND CHOKE ON MY BULGE, ALL OF YOU.

March: An Opportunity for Wisdom (Dave/Karkat, SFW, finished, 2k)

"You don’t know what you were expecting, bruises maybe? But he mostly looks unfocused and young, probably because his signature shades are resting on his bedside table instead of his nose. Roxy hops onto the end of the bed and pats a spot for you, but you’re having some kind of staring malfunction.

‘So I assume you’re fine,’ you say. ‘The surgeon didn’t take out your spleen along with your excessive enamel or anything?’

Dave blinks slowly at you before turning to Roxy.

‘Rox,’ he stage whispers. ‘Whoooo is this movie star in my bedroom right now.’"

April: I Married My Best Friend. Ironically. (Dirk/John, SFW, in progress, 30k)

John isn't your most platonic friend. He's the dude you've been in love with for months and you've got no idea why you were denying this to everyone, including yourself. You like being in his arms and he's smiling at you in this gorgeous way that makes you think if you kissed him, he'd be even happier.

May: Open Up Your Murder Eyes (Dirk/Hal, NSFW, in progress, 86k)

‘This is all going to be okay,’ you tell him. ‘I'm very good at planning. And I'm very good at holding blood in my body. I do it all the time. I'm gonna fall asleep if you keep doing that, stupid magic hands. That's probably on your palms too, has the ability to make Hal melt, will not use this responsibly. I'll write it on if it isn't already, gotta warn for this shit.’

June: Reason To Believe (Jade/Nepeta, SFW, finished, 7.5k)

You can’t remember how to breathe. You don’t think your heart knows what it usually does either. You feel your hand twitch in hers and oh my God, you’re holding her hand.

‘Can I kiss you?’ she asks.

You might die if she kisses you. You don’t think your body can cope with it. You don’t care. You nod enthusiastically.

July: Irresistible Thoughts (AlphaDave/Dirk, NSFW, finished, 8k)

You have to let him sleep. You have to talk to him about this. You have to … probably never do it again. No, you definitely have to not do it again. (But what if you didn't tell anyone?) Your thoughts are evil and you're not to be trusted alone with them.

August: Your Boyfriend's A Snack (John/Dirk/Bro/Hal, NSFW, finished, 20k)

He plays a good game. Dirk seems to think he hung the damn moon and Hal is delighting in “corrupting” him, but you know better. Your John is rotten down deep. You can feel a kindred spirit in him. And you bring it out in him, too. He steps towards you until he would be in grabbing range if your arms weren’t bound against your side, your forearms behind your back. You’re tempted more than ever to make a real effort at breaking the rope, but you’re curious as to what he might do. Because John has decided that you’re a bad guy. And it doesn’t really matter, in John’s warped please let me do what I want morality, if he does bad things to a bad guy. You love John’s morality. And you love being his bad guy.

September: Murder Is A Very Intimate Fantasy (Death Note, Light/L, NSFW, finished, 10k)

‘One day, I’ll hear you say something that isn’t a lie. Until then …’ L ran a thumb across the flexible material of Light’s collar. ‘Murder is a very intimate fantasy.’

‘Tell me your name,’ Light said.

‘When you tell me yours.’

Light let his head fall onto L’s shoulder and laughed. No, he wasn’t going to confess. But this was an interesting development in the game. He would have been disappointed if L had let him win, even now after all these years and the most brilliant plan he’d ever come up with. What was the point of love if it didn’t challenge you?

October: Knight of Spades (Dave/Karkat, NSFW, in progress, 65k)

The movie finishes and you stop hiding in a strategically hornless patch of Karkat’s head. You straighten and notice that everyone has leaned somewhat towards the centre. Gamzee has his head on Karkat’s lap and his long legs outward. Vriska and Kanaya are both using Terezi as a (presumably much less comfortable) cushion like Karkat and Rose were for you. The Mayor is curled up like a cat in front of everyone. You feel …

Identifying your feelings wasn’t in any of the lessons you had growing up, but this makes your heart ache in a really good way. You feel like you’re safe, really safe, even despite your doomed timeline. You would do anything for the people in this room. Of course everything will turn out okay.

November: I'd Tap That (oh fuck I didn't mean to tap that) (Dave/Karkat, SFW, finished, 17k)

‘What the actual fuck! He used to bully me in high school for being gay! Are you fucking—’

Terezi grabs your phone from you, needing it closer to make up for her appalling vision despite her fancy glasses, and her thumb slips over the screen. The tiny fire icon at the top of his bio fills in.

You both freeze. That’s not a favourite, not like pressing a button so you can come back to his profile later and stare at it while you consider messaging him. That’s a tap. He’s going to get a notification. You’re a fucking lurker, you don’t tap people, you tentatively message polite men back if you’re feeling brave and otherwise stare at pictures of guys you’re never going to date.

December: Double Trouble (Dave/Karkat/Latula/Mituna, NSFW, finished, 5k)

Karkat rolls his eyes and grabs Dave by the upper arm. Dave protests quietly and at length as Karkat drags him towards the smooth area that Mituna and Latula are skating on, but most of it is about the ethics of kidnapping a president so Karkat tunes it out in favour of keeping his focus on the ground under his feet. Dream bubbles sometimes throw unexpected things out there.

[smolfangirl]

We just smiled cause sometimes words aren’t the right words to say

A sound so sweet, of you and me - 2 - First white lies

Raise your hand if Lutteo killed you yesterday! 🙋 I am still recovering… anyway, I hope you enjoy this one and have a nice weekend! :D

Story: In a world where you only know who your soulmate is by calling them by their first name, Matteo soon finds that the smallest words can be the hardest to say.

Word count: 2.7k

She sat on her favorite spot by the bar.

Matteo knew it was her favorite spot because after nearly every shift for weeks, he found her there, ordering a milkshake. Strawberry-flavor.

If she intended to flirt with him like that, it was the most innocent flirting he had ever seen. Seriously, he loved it.

He had been looking for her without a valid reason forming in his mind, but since she directed all her attention to her phone, Matteo decided sneaking up on her worked well enough. Nothing topped her wide eyes full of surprise whenever he successfully startled her.

Yet, as he walked closer, he got lost for a moment when his eyes landed on the softness in which her curls fell over her shoulders, stroking her back. His hand already reached out for a strand, just to feel how it would run through his hands silky and smooth like the satin sheets on his bed.

Not wanting to ruin his plan, he refrained himself to lean forward instead – “Boo!”

With a little scream, Luna jumped on her place. Little drops of her drink sailed through the air before they settled mostly on her shirt. “What the…”, she blurted out, turning around to Matteo who failed to hold back a grin.

“Hi, munchkin”, he greeted her with the most harmless smile he could muster. With an added “You won’t mind, will you?”, he sat down and took a sip out of her glass. (Nico’s questionable hair style choices be damned, but the boy knew how to mix a decent shake.)

At Luna’s offended stare, a laugh burst through his lips. “You always say I’m a strawberry, so I’m allowed to drink that.”

Her mouth still hung a little bit open. “That’s cannibalism”, she protested, meanwhile she pulled the glass out of his reach. “And if anything, you’re a stealing strawberry. Seriously, how did your parents raise you? Don’t you have manners?”

Matteo shrugged. A small dot of milkshake right above her lips distracted him, teased him until he considered leaning in and just gently let his finger wipe it away.

He shook his head at himself.

Even with their constant teasing she probably would flip him off for a move like this and he didn’t dare to risk that. In the end, he went with: “Ever heard of a strawberry with manners?”

Luna denied.

“See? And you know, my parents never have time for me, so I guess you can’t really blame them.” Surprised, Matteo held in. By no means had he intended to blurt that out, something so deeply personal. Not even most of his friends were aware of his family situation.

Luna’s face mirrored his own bewilderment. “Wait, what?”

Sighing, Matteo fixed the scratches carved into the table. “They work all the time, they don’t even take me on vacations or anything, but they make up for it with money, which is better than nothing, I guess.” Not for the first time around her did he feel overwhelmed enough to unmask himself. With Gastón, it had taken him ages to share the deepest, most hidden parts of his feelings, soulmates or not. Luna, however, radiated a sensation of warmth and trust that Matteo found no cure again, although he fought and fought only to leak like a broken water tap again.

When he looked up, her gaze rested on him, all calm and open and only a hint of pity.

“I’m so sorry”, her hands reached out, carefully stroking his hand. A tingling sensation spread out wherever their skin met. Her touch burned him, and her eyes beamed too bright, so Matteo swallowed and looked away once more.

“Hang on, does that mean you traveled to Cancún alone?”, Luna asked.

“No, Ámbar’s godmother offered to take me with them, which is nice of her, since Ámbar and I aren’t dating anymore.”

Suddenly, her hand was gone, leaving a coldness that hadn’t been there before. Luna leaned closer, her voice a whisper nearly inaudible, “You were dating Ámbar?”

Honestly, her reaction – the extent of it especially – confused him. It also amused him, more than it maybe should. “Yeah, but it wasn’t good, so it didn’t last long. What, is that so shocking to you that you lost your voice?”  

Wide green eyes, a classic expression of hers, along with the slightest pink tainting her cheeks. “Eh, well, I don’t know, I can’t really imagine it. She’s not your soulmate, is she?” Matteo involuntarily laughed. Ámbar and him being soulmates, he didn’t want to imagine that in any universe.

“Of course not. Besides, I already have one.”

“Oh.”

Did he imagine the shadow of disappointment flickering over her face? Either way, something changed in Luna, something in her movements seemed tenser than before. “Can I ask who it is?”, she inquired with hardly contained curiosity staining her voice.

“Yeah, sure, you already know him. It’s Gastón.”

Another layer of confusion added to her face, just a little bit more and he’d have to look for a restart button for her brain. “But he’s with Nina”, she stammered.

“Munchkin, please, ever heard of platonic soulmates?”, he grinned, suddenly euphoric when her eyes lit up at his nickname, “Just because we’re soulmates doesn’t mean we need to get married, you know?”

“I knew that”, Luna mumbled, but hid her face behind her hair nonetheless.

A fond smile slipped on his face as he watched her trying to cover up. Supporting his arms on the table, Matteo slowly brushed her hair away until she glimpsed up at him. “Come on, you look like you need a break from all that unnecessary information I dumped on you. And I happen to have the perfect distraction for that.”

The corner of her mouth curled up the tiniest fraction. “Should I be scared?” Matteo pretended to consider his answer. “Not if you don’t crash into me, no.”

Her whole body snapping backwards, Luna first eyed the hallway leading to the rink, then groaned. “Chico fresa, please, don’t ask me to skate with you. I just had a shift.” Slurping the rest of her drink, she sent her best puppy look in his direction. And damn, if it wasn’t on the top of his list of irresistible things, he had no clue what else would be.

Yet, he shook his head. “With all respect, what an extraordinarily lame excuse. Didn’t you tell Tamara just yesterday that your batteries never run out?”

No response, only a sigh. “Oh no”, he exclaimed and folded his hands over his chest, right above his heart, “Is it because you despise me and don’t want to skate with me so that’s why you’re hiding behind white lies?”

Luna gasped, in a swift movement mirroring him except that her hands covered her mouth instead. “Oh no! You got me, chico fresa, you saw through my disguise! What do I do now?”

It’d be a flawless performance if she had kept that laugh away after her last words, but now her shoulders quivered in a rhythm similar to the one of his heart.

Again, Matteo bridged some distance between them. Luna stopped laughing. “I believe I have an idea.”

He beamed with joy, especially when a thousand stars dazzled in her eyes as she returned his gaze. They followed him as he stood up, walked over and bowed down to his little chica delivery. “Milady, will you grant me the honor of skating with my humble self?”

“Humble?”, she raised an eyebrow. However, taking his hand, she still allowed him to pull her on her feet and Matteo wondered if the grin on his lips would ever leave for good.

His legs were dangling over the edge of his couch, moving in lazy circles. The sun hit his window in this particular angle that hurt his eyes, but unlike usually he kept staring into the light. Thoughts of Luna haunted his mind. Thoughts of her hand intertwined in his when they glided over the rink, of how quickly she improved and of the ease in which she followed his silent lead.

And finally, her smile.

Her smile that somehow outshined the brightest star in the blue sky blending him right this moment. His lips curled up at the memory of the last weeks. They connected like the pieces of a puzzle, it felt like everything fell into place and he had been blind to the missing spot all his life before. Imagining life without her somewhere around him felt weird, as if he tried to remember how he learned to walk on his own two feet.

Suddenly, a voice cut through to him, pulling him out of his daydream. “Matteo!”

It took him a solid moment to recognize it as Gastón’s, who sat on the other side of the couch. “Are you even listening, astronaut?”, he asked, and Matteo instantly felt intimated by the appearing smirk.

“What were you saying?”, Matteo replied, sending a wordless apology in Gastón’s direction.

His best friend sighed. “You were thinking about Luna, no? I know that smile. If you’re not careful, your eyes will turn into actual hearts, so maybe at least try to play it cool, bro.”

Matteo snorted, if only to keep a last fraction of his pride. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” In return, he received a glare so full of disbelief, Gastón wouldn’t have to add anything. Naturally, he did anyway, “Matteo. Astronaut. Bro. You don’t need to lie to me. I’m in a loving relationship, and not even Nina and I spend as much time together as you and Luna.”

Perhaps Gastón hit a truth spot, perhaps Luna and him were practically glued to each other. Perhaps, yet he’d never let him know that. “Nina and you are all over each other all the time, no way are Luna and I as bad as that.”

With a heavy sigh on his lips, Gastón shook his head. “Let me rephrase that. Lately, you’re orbiting around the moon all day, so will you please tell me what’s up with that?”

“Nothing. We’re just friends.”

A frustrated groan reached Matteo’s ears. As he turned his head away just for the blink of an eye, he grinned. His answers drove Gastón crazy, yes, but at least he made him give up on his interrogation.

(For now.)

Matteo waited a few steps behind the entry when she stood in front of him out of nowhere. With a hug too short but with a smile too bright, she wished him a good morning and just like that, a new nickname for her popped up in his mind.

“Good morning, solare. Did you sleep well?”

She broke apart, the ever-apparent blush spreading right above her cheekbones. “Another one?” Confused, he raised an eyebrow at her. “Another one what? Do you mean another nickname?” When she nodded, her curls bounced up and down, something he’d started to find endlessly cute. “It’s like, what, the fifth?”

“Way to complain”, Matteo laughed while they made their way through the hallway. His feet automatically slowed down, made sure Luna could keep up without him even growing aware of this routine. “Actually, I should be the one complaining. You only have one nickname for me.”

A giggle, and he promptly forgot what they were talking about when she took his arm, clinging to his side. “But do you really need another nickname? If you ask me, chico fresa fits you perfectly.”

From the moment they met again, they’d been dancing around their real names like this. Before he realized it, calling her everything else but Luna turned into a habit too strong to be turned off.

Then came the moment Matteo realized and understood the struggle with first names, how they could get caught in your throat, stuck to the inside, impossible to spit out. Ever since, it got harder and harder to gather the letters of her name, meanwhile one of his nicknames for her slipped with ease.

He never run out of them, just like she never ran out of smiles when he used them. And he adored those smiles, he’d do anything to bring them to the surface.

“But if I ask you, you also believe it was me who skated into you, and we both know this is not the case. So, ultimately, can I really trust your judgement?”

Luna stopped, causing Matteo to tremble too. Turning to her, he found her with her arms firmly on her hips, a dangerous sparkle in her green eyes. “Hey!”, she protested and for a second, he truly believed she’d say his name, simply so she could properly yell at him.

His heart skipped a beat.

Another one, a third. In fact, it only picked up its beat again when she continued, “Chico fresa, did no one ever tell you not to lie? It was your fault!”

The bell rang and interrupted their conversation, which was a shame, really, he had his comeback already waiting on the tip of his tongue. With barely a few seconds left, he pulled her into a hug and whispered, “Find me another nickname and we’ll talk about it again.”

It was in the afternoon when Luna figured she needed some help with the whole nickname causa. For the rest of the day, she’d been hunting down ideas only to dismiss every single one of them. Nina already had raised her eyebrows at her and asked what exactly drove her so crazy that crossed out scrambles filled her notebook.

Luna had shaken her head at her friend, unable to fathom her thoughts into proper sentences. She needed someone who knew Matteo better than anyone, someone who could come up with a nickname out of nowhere.

She needed his soulmate. (Weirdly enough, that thought repeatedly left a dizzy sensation in her chest, like she’d got up too fast and now the nausea flooded her veins.)

She found him by the lockers.

“Gastón, hi! Can I talk to you for a second?”, she asked, not sure how to approach this. Although she hung out with Nina and Matteo a lot, Gastón seemed more like an acquaintance than a friend.

He snapped his head in her direction, obviously surprised she wanted to talk to him, and not to his absent best friend. “What did he do?”, he blurted out.

“What? Oh, Matteo?”, she said with a laugh while she brushed a loose strand behind her ear. “Nothing, I just need your help with something.” A sigh left Gastón’s mouth, so relieved she wondered what his imagination had come up with. He sat down on the bench, beginning to put off his skates. “Okay, shoot.”

Luna cleared her throat. “So, Matteo told me you’re his soulmate.”

Hesitantly, he mustered her. “Yeah, I am. What do you want to know, his favorite pun? Cause he hates them all.”

“No, no”, Luna declared, “Like, I already know he does.” Gastón shook his head, disbelief tainting his expressions like a cloud in an otherwise blue sky, “Something must have gone wrong with this whole soulmate thing, I can’t believe mine has no sense of humor.”

She giggled, meanwhile opening her locker and grabbing her skates. The memory of the time she met Matteo again popped up like a slide show of pictures she could paint with closed eyes. He’d been so offended at her nickname, perhaps Gastón was onto something here.

“Anyway, what was the reason you wanted to talk to me? Not that I don’t like gossiping about Matteo with you.” “

Her skate dropped out of her hand. The nickname, right.

Luna cursed and picked the skate up under the amused eyes of Gastón. “Yes, there is. So, Matteo and I were talking this morning”, she explained to be interrupted by an outburst from the boy on the bench – “No! No way! Such shocking news! Hang on, I’ll get Jazmín to make an announcement on Fab&Chic!”

With a glare she had copied from Matteo, Luna managed to shut him up. However, inaudible mutters kept coming from his mouth, it sounded suspiciously close to “You’re spending way too much time together.”

“Hey, this is important”, Luna called for his attention, “Well, we talked, and he complained I have only one nickname for him, and I wanted to ask if you happen to have any ideas?”

As she talked, she tied her laces, so she didn’t notice it immediately.

After a few seconds though, when Gastón still failed to reply, she tilted her head until his face reappeared in her vision. He grinned, he grinned so wildly that it had to make his muscles sore. “Oh, Matteo totally won’t like this.”  

[seventitas-blog]

How We Came To Be (Seek Version)

Word Count : 1,793

Type: Chaptered [ I, II, III ]

Characters: You x Seventeen bias

Note: The member was not specified but made with S.Coups, Jun, Hoshi, and Mingyu in mind.

Written by: Tita #2

Note:

Here’s the male version of How We Came To Be in his POV.

Read the first version first!

Please appreciate the discography of BTS especially non-title tracks consisting of sexy and emotional R&B beats:

Miss Right

Coffee

이불킥 Blanket Kick

좋아요 Like (Slow Jam Remix)

House of Cards  

잡아줘 Hold Me Tight

그게 말이 돼 Does This Make Sense?

하루만 Just One Day

Chapter Two: HOW I FOUND HAPPINESS AGAIN

♬  Coffee - BTS

I know I said I wasn’t a creep, and I know for a fact that I’m far from that. But when I looked for her I.D. and got her address, I saved her contact number.

I knew she was too out of it to remember how she got home, so I wanted to make sure that she knew she had a hero that night. I didn’t have any other agenda other than that. I guess I just wanted her to know we met. She intrigued me, but I wasn’t planning on pursuing her. Like I said, that night was different and she wasn’t like the other girls I met.

“Where’d you disappear to last night, man?” one of the members asked me the next day.

“Took a girl home.” I replied, as I sent another text to her. Thankfully she didn’t think I was a weirdo.

“Nice.”

“No, it’s not like that.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I literally just took her to her place. She was passed out the whole time.”

“Wait so why are you texting her then?”

“I got her number.”

He shook his head in amazement. “I don’t know how you do it, bro.”

In some warped turn of events, we became instant friends, she and I. She was a foreigner, and didn’t speak my language well but with every spelling and grammar mistake she did, I grew fonder and fonder of her. We started going on friendly dates and hung out with my members as if she was a part of my inner circle. They gladly accepted her, because they knew that with her in the picture, I was happy again.

How did she make me happy? I didn’t know exactly what her magic was. She didn’t have an ethereal aura about her that made me fall for my ex girlfriend. She didn’t have a classic, traditional beauty that I preferred. But she was beautiful in her own command. When she smiled, it was radiant. When she laughed, it’s all I wanted to hear. She was so immensely happy-go-lucky that it made me, a broken and lovesick moron, happy. But I wasn’t ready to fall for her just yet; not when I still relapse and feel the pain creep back in from time to time.

I made sure she knew about everything I was going through. I had to. Countless times she would catch me staring a thousand yards away in the middle of a conversation because she would say or do something that reminded me of her. It would only be fair to her to know the reason behind that. But she always had a way of bringing me back to the present. She knew tricks on how to distract me from remembering and I hated that. I hated how uncomfortable I made her feel and how she had to adjust just so I wouldn’t shut down. So I tried to be better at being her friend.

“Noona. Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” I asked her one time, as we were lazily looking through vintage collections at a kitschy vinyl record shop. She liked going to places like that. Not even to buy but just to look around and listen to old songs for free.

“I just have pretty high standards.” she said, scanning the jazz section.

“Like what?” I cocked my head to the side.

“I have an actual list.”

“A list?”

“Yeah. I wrote down the things I want in a boyfriend, specifically.”

“Okay…like what?”

“Like…he has to have a good relationship with his parents. He has to be able to tell old man jokes in a funny way. He has to be fun to go shopping with. And he has to be able to dance with me. Like, slow dance with me. The romantic way.”

“That’s an awful lot.”

“That’s not even half of it.”

“You’re gonna die single if you keep a list that long.”

“Why can’t women have standards? Is it that bad to want someone worthy of my love?”

“Just because a guy can’t enjoy shopping doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve your love. That’s kind of harsh.”

“Yeah well tough luck.”

“So let’s say a guy almost crosses everything off that list, but missed one…just one tiny thing! He’s not it?”

She paused for awhile and put the Frank Sinatra vinyl back in its pile. “No.”

“What?!”

“Look, I don’t like being judged for my preferences in men.” she snapped.

“You’re never going to get married if you’re like that.”

“That’s not really your problem, is it?”

She huffed and turned her back to me. Clearly I had upset her. Now she would kill me if I had admitted this but I almost liked seeing her get all riled up like that. To me, it was endearing and cute. There are girls whose tempers scare you away or piss you off. Not this one, though. She was older than me but I always felt an urge to coddle and baby her whenever she got that way with me. As she was probably fuming away her agitation, I put on Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong’s The Nearness Of You on the antique record player. That scratchy, hollow sound of bass was unmistakable; this was classic, romantic jazz.

She let out a small gasp of surprise when I reached for her hand and reeled her in to me.  As I put her arms around my nape and held her waist, her confused eyes searched my face for an explanation.

“What are you doing?” she whispered, looking around to see if people were staring. There was nobody else in that record shop besides us and the old man at the counter, who was fast asleep.

“Dancing with you.” I simply said.

“You’re crazy.”

I held her waist tighter and pulled her closer to my body so that she couldn’t writhe her way out.

“Just let me cross off one thing from that list.” I told her and gently swayed her from side to side the way my mother and father used to in the living room when I was young.

She blinked a few times at me before breaking out in fits of giggles while shaking her head. And just like that, she was smiling again.

I guess you could say it all started at that one small thing: I found joy in seeing her happy.

♬ It's not the pale moon that excites me

That, to me, was a sign that I had leaped forward. I wasn’t in a downward spiral anymore.

That thrills and delights me, oh no ♬

I found a new purpose and that was to keep making her happy; to be in her company.

♬ It's just the nearness of you ♬

I had a knack for giving her surprises like that, sometimes inadvertently humiliating her in the process. She would tell me that if I continued my streak of ‘surprise-embarrassing’ her she would go to one of my fansign events unannounced and cause a scene. I’d tell her that it didn’t scare me. In fact, I’d even play along with her and tell the fans she was my girlfriend.

“Once they start attacking you, joke’s on you.” I said.

“That must suck, to be your girlfriend.” she rolled her eyes.

“I’ll have you know that I’m a pretty good boyfriend.”

“Wanna bet?”

“Wanna date?”

Then she would scoff and playfully slap me.

I didn’t notice it at first, but I was slowly beginning to treat her as if she was my girlfriend. From the get-go there was never an intention like that. I didn’t think I was ready to open up again just yet. I knew I had developed some feelings for her by this time but I didn’t want to force myself into something I wasn’t sure about. Whatever I did, whatever I said - they all came out of me naturally. There were no pretensions. I have no idea at what point I started to fall in love with her but it seemed to reflect on my actions. We even had a big fight about it. She told me I was controlling, that I couldn’t let go of my past. That I have seemed to project my need to change my past onto her. In some ways, she was right.

“I just miss her so much.” I admitted, feeling defeated and hopeless once again.

I did still miss her.

I did still think about her.

I did still have a hard time letting go.

“But it’s different when she’s around. I forget everything when I’m with her.” I told Seungkwan one day.

“Then you should’ve told her that. All she knows now is you still miss your ex and you just look at her as some replacement.” he pointed out.

I heaved a sigh. “I can’t just tell her that. I like what we have. I don’t want to say something that might change it. I definitely feel something for her, but it’s not the right time to let her know about it. Not when I’m still fucking confused.”

“I understand, hyung. But think how confused she is right now too. You’re sending her mixed signals. It’s either treat her like a friend or let her know she’s more than that. Just how strong do you feel about her anyway?”

I thought hard about it and shook my head. I really didn’t know. And a big part of me refused to confront it. If I addressed it, she’d become entangled in the mess that I am. I decided to just continue with the semblance of a friendship that we had. Platonic, innocent, uncomplicated.

The problem was, she started avoiding me. She began dodging my calls, ignoring my texts and declining to even see me. Slowly, she became elusive and withdrawn.

“It’s probably for the best. Didn’t you say you didn’t want her getting involved with your predicament? Maybe she doesn’t want to get involved too that’s why she’s avoiding you.” my members said.

“Yeah maybe this is good. Give each other space and maybe avoid hurting her.”

I knew they were right, of course. In hindsight, it really was a good idea to just let her walk away and forget about making her a part of my convoluted life. She’d meet someone better, and I’d continue where I left off.

But why didn’t I feel good? Why was I holding on to her so much?

The death of a star in the cosmos best described her absence; a star burns bright for what seems like an eternity until it slowly dims, explodes, and collapses into a black hole. What once gave me light was now fading until it could burn no longer, and my happiness was no more.