#you couldnt have been depressed .... you're so happy all the time!!

[green-mountain-goose]

i made one too many suicide jokes in class im cursed now /s

[readychilledwine]

Kissed by Fire pt 1

Summary - Amelia Archeron, the oldest of the made sisters, sacrificed more than her sisters would ever understand, and more than she would ever allow them to know. Now, they want her to sacrifice her one chance at happiness, too.

Warnings - rhysand is kind of a dick, signs of depression and PTSD, trauma, implied EDs, kind of poisoning

An - and we begin 💜

Part 2

Rhysand tapped his fingers on the desk next to Amelia, his eyes narrowed as the oldest sister stared out the window.

She had been the last to wake up. She was withdrawn from them, constantly sat in the cushioned window ledge and wiping tears from her face.

He had expected more from Amelia. She was supposed to be a rock, a strong influence, yet here she was, mind lost in her grief, in her confusion, her longing for their father. “You need to get up,” he commanded. “You need to stand on your feet and be strong for your sisters. They need you.”

Amelia sighed deeply, that familiar weight of being the oldest pressing down on her shoulders once again.

It felt like carrying the weight of the world. It felt like being forced to sacrifice her own health and happiness for her sisters again.

It reminded her of nights spent in a brothel laid beneath some man she had no interest in for a small amount of coin. It reminded her of hiding the coins with Feyre's earnings so no one would ask questions or ask if she was okay.

“If my adult sisters are making the choice to hide in a room and refuse to eat, how exactly would me going and demanding that of them make a difference?”

Rhysand rolled his eyes, scoffing at the question. “You never cared for them while you all were starving in that cabin,” Amelia flinched at the accusation. “The least you could do is pretend to care now.” She looked away from him as the first night spent in the whorehouse, handing her virginity away to a complete stranger twice her age came forward.

She didn't see Rhysand's face fall, his eyes becoming sympathy as you stood. “Right. I forgot about Feyre's pretty story of how she kept our family afloat.” The true sentence should have been, “I forgot she didn't know,” yet Amelia stuck to her self defense. “I will try. Do not expect me to join you, though.”

Nesta, Elain, and Amelia ate in silence in Amelia's room. If you could call what the three of them did eating.

Nesta pushed the food around. Elain stared out the window. Amelia sat there, shivering despite being the closest to the fire and in heavy wool socks and a sweater provided by the House.

She could feel a chill deep inside of her. Like the Cauldron had left a reminder deep inside of her of what happened. “Have you two been cold since-” she couldnt even finish the sentence, but she didn't need to.

Elain shook her head softly. “No, just. Lost.”

Nesta also shook her head before smiling sadly. “Have you tried to bathe yet?” Amelia paled at the idea. She had several times. Hoping the hot water would melt the ice settling in her veins and bones. “I had the same reaction,” Nesta sad softly.

Elain also nodded, tears streaming down her face, “It's like bathing takes me right back there. I cam feel it burning my skin all over again from how cold it was, I feel myself struggling to breathe, i-” Amelia silenced her younger sister with a hand on hers.

“Don't, little tulip. Don't talk about it unless you're ready to.” Elain leaned into her, closing her eyes as Amelia ran her fingers through her soft hair. “I'm sorry I can't fix this.”

Nesta smiled for the first time in a week. “You aren't a miracle worker, Lia. We don't expect you to fix it.”

Amelia's dreams that night had her transporting to a cabin. It was warm with a soft fire crackling in the background as she looked around. She could hear the voices of two males in another room. One was deep and smooth, although somewhat sarcastic as he spoke to a deep familiar voice. Shadows trailed through Amelia's fingers and the voices stopped. A door opening and footsteps coming towards her.

Amelia shot awake, her eyes adjusting to the darkness to a figure sitting on her bed. Rhysand had his hands holding his nose, his eyes glazed over slightly. “Do you know where you just were?” She shook her head, take a few deep breaths and then the tea he offered her. “I need you to drink that. You followed Azriel on a mission. In your sleep.”

He looked up sighing heavily. “You didn't fully transport your body there. Just your soul and mind. I need you to drink that so you don't do it again.”

Amelia sniffed it, eyes watering at how bitter it smelled. “What is it?”

Rhys looked at her, eyes cold as he distanced himself from what he was asking her to do. “It's faebane. It'll put whatever the fuck the Cauldron did to you to sleep.”

Rhys laid Amelia down, having watched her finish the cup and fall into a drug induced sleep. He sensed Azriel landing at the house and waited.

The Spymaster pushed Amelia's balcony doors open, looking between her and Rhysand. “How? That cabin is heavily warded to protect-”

Rhys held a hand up. “Amren is looking into it. Until we have an answer, we keep her on a low dose faebane to keep her powers locked down and quiet.”

Azriel looked at him, slightly shocked. “So poison her instead of helping her control it? Rhys, we know better than this. Her powers will eat her alive.”

“We will figure it out before than, Azriel.” Rhys looked at Amelia, watching as she shivered. “Did he have any ideas for helping her stay warm?”

Azriel nodded, pulling out a heavy sweater in a cream and another in burgundy, and then a soft fluffy pumpkin colored blanket. They reeked of cinnamon and apples, the fabric was unnaturally warm after having been enchanted. “He says we owe him.”

Rhys rolled his eyes. “Of course we do. The snake doesn't do a single thing unless it benefits him.” he took the blanket, thanking Azriel softly before tucking Amelia in and listening as she released a soft content sigh. She snuggled deeply into her new blanket, shivering stopping almost immediately. “Did he say what he wants?” Rhys moved her hair out of her face. Guilt eating him alive as he saw how peaceful she looked in this forced state.

“He'll call us when he's ready.”

Taglist : @justdreamstars @coralseacourt @kemillyfreitas @impossibelle

[taffybear]

i noticed you're a fellow Leo stan, what are your hcs regarding... mating season???

oooo i love this question!!! i have...... ideas.....

obviously 18+ so if you don't like that don't read ahead!

I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS TO BE SO LONG LMAO I JUST STARTED WRITING AND COULDNT STOP

Leonardo mating season headcanons~

baby fever to the extreme. literally if he even lets his mind wonder while in this state he'll just revert to thinking about babies. it's honestly odd to see him like this, but it also makes a lot of sense that he fantasizes about being a father. i mean, he was built for it. and so mating season also doubles as a bit of a depressing time for him as he considers that he can't actually give you a baby (YALL I AM SORRY BUT ITS BIOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR THE TURTS TO GET ANY HUMAN PREGNANT IDC WHAT YALL SAY but at least it adds angst :3)

his sensitivity levels also go through the roof at this time. he becomes even less tolerable of his brothers, especially Raphael, so consequently he comes over even more often to fuck the anger out of himself, by fucking you, how sweet. but also more than ever he needs to have someone just listen to him. usually he's the listener in your relationship, in most of his relationships really, but now he just needs to say whatever is on his mind and complain about whatever is bothering him without judgement.

the first couple of days into mating season is always a surprise to him, and he won't tell you immediately. he'll avoid the topic for as long as possible, actually. even if that means avoiding and ignoring you (although it won't last long). and you won't notice it at first either, he really only does tiny things like putting off replying to your texts, or making excuses why you shouldn't come over or invite him to your place.

but when he finally fesses up, it's only when he just can't restrain himself anymore and only talking/fucking you can fix him. it's all very embarrassing for him at first, to confess this (what he considers) dirty dark secret of his. and then to admit he needs your help to relieve himself of this burden, it makes him nauseous to imagine at first. he hates not being able to control himself through this period, to have to come crawling to you for relief, for him to feel so vulnerable. but once you assure him you are nothing but happy to help, and mating season obviously doesn't make you love him any less, he calms down a bit.

he needs lots of verbal and physical reassurance during the season. now more than ever he's desperate for your touch, sexual or not. he needs hugs and gentle kisses everywhere, he also loves resting his head in your lap as you read to him. he really just needs peace at this time.

there's lots of self contempt during his mating season too. he turns into a bit of a sex obsessed beast, every other thought of his being about how bad he wants to be inside of you, how bad he wants you full with his seed. he disgusts himself by feeling so desperate and in ache. i CANNOT stress how much you need to praise and comfort him now, most likely he won't outright tell you how he feels but just prepare to have open arms when this time of year comes around.

before mating season Leonardo wouldn't even consider having sex without foreplay first, but now he can't even muster through it. he tries his hardest to put you before himself, to thoroughly get you in the mood, but the throbbing something something just really can't wait.

on the upside y'all never need lube! he's dripping with precum by the time your panties come off.

he is constantly blushing. no matter how long y'all have been together, he still feels really self conscious during the season. with the loss of his hard-earned self control and restraint he feels like everything he does is involuntary, the result of him simply not feeling like himself. but it's adorable when you just softly graze his hardness and he lets out a soft moan before slapping his hand over his mouth.

because he doesn't feel like himself and isn't confident in how much control he has over himself, he's very frightened to actually have sex with you. he's horrified something will come over him as soon as he sees you spread out for him, so exposed for him... he's scared to hurt you, reasonably so. it was already tough the first few times you were together intimately with his size and strength, but at least then he had full control over his movements and thrusts. now he has more to worry about, but mostly how you might see him afterward. what if you see this possessive animalistic side of him and decide it's all too much for you? he turns a small realistic concern into a nonsensical slippery slope that only you can convince him is just him being paranoid. you know he could never hurt you, no matter what, so you just have to soothe and reassure him. obviously, he's the sub a lot of nights.

when he does dominate--after you do lots of coaxing and persuading that he shouldn't worry and you want this as bad as he does--he's very considerate of you the whole time you're in bed. very slow and thoughtful thrusts, more than usual at least, and he doesn't let himself go very deep at first. simply concerned with staying in control and not letting his mind wander, not letting out a peep as he tries to keep his breathing even. but when you wrap your arms around the back of his neck, pulling him down and into a deep passionate kiss, willing him to go deeper and letting him actually enjoy this moment, he will loosen up and eventually allow himself to be in the moment with you. some nights are passionately slow and under constraint, while others are rougher when he's more desperate for relief and fed up with longing so bad for you.

he cums much faster during mating season, but on the plus side he's ready to go another round in under a minute. he could go 4-5 rounds most nights but you both usually call it a night when you're sore and visibly exhausted, but satisfied enough for the both of you.

he's very specific about wanting all his seed to end up in your cunt instead of anywhere else. at the end of the night you're FULL of his love. he'll use his finger to plug you up while you cuddle, or while he covers your belly in wet kisses.

the aftercare is top tier obviously, just like always. he makes sure you're comfortable and tended to before he lets himself rest in the bed to sleep. after sex, the second he manages to get out of your grasp he runs to the kitchen to get you water.

when Leo comes over to your place (which he does for most of the season) he's very clingy. he hates being in a seperate room than you, or not touching you while you're sitting on the couch or just casually laying in bed. you also absolutely deliver on blow jobs and hand jobs throughout the day. sometimes just a glance at how he reacts to you bending over to pick up something, or how he lingers at your neck to smell your hair, you know what needs to happen next. lots of quickies--gentle palming through his clothes while he washes the dishes, sliding your warm hand down his boxers while you're both sprawled out on the couch watching TV, quietly joining him while he's in the shower and greeting him with an open mouth. all in moderation to prepare you both for what the night has in store.

Leo is SO EMBARRASSED after mating season ends, when he thinks back to all the downbad things he said or the desperate things he did, he just can't think about it for too long or he won't stop cringing. he's one of those people who can't relate or imagine something until he actually experiences it in the moment, so before every mating season he tells himself that this is gonna be the one he finally keeps control of himself and successfully stifles the hormones (yeah ok sure chief).

[stitchwraith-stingers]

Saw you're family tree post and i love how fleshed how they are! Though i saw you say that that Angela had her own godparent, could you perhaps elaborate on that?

HIIII IM SO GLAD U ASKED... this is one of my fave hcs and im happy i could talk abt it

when she was younger, angela was not in a good headspace mentally, she was extremely depressed to put it lightly, she was also really anxious and when she was 10 she recieved cirrus swiftsky as a godparent, the best i could describe him was like a grandfather to her and looked sort-of fancy, he had a mustache and everything, this wasnt his first rodeo with a kid, hes been doing this for a good few fairy years

angela, altough she used escapism often by reading kids books, she wasnt very "imaginitive" as she describes herself, so her wishes werent anything extreme, and if anything just mostly talked to cirrus about things that were bothering to her, and he wasnt expecting to become a defacto therapist to this kid, he gave her life advice he vaugely remembered while studying to be a godparent (they take mandatory childrens psychology lessons) and gestured her over to try journaling for her thoughts

he often disguised himself as a orange butterfly when outdoors with her (to school, to the park etc), and at home would usually be their pet ferret, who was called tom by her parents

they lasted longer then the usual godparent-godkid duo, 2 years infact, however she was expected to leave him when she was 14 as she was still concidered not yet fully happy, she had accidently blurted it out when her brother walked in on her and she panicked, thus wiping their memories

godparents, if taken away before their kid has been properly reverted to being happy, arent allowed to visit them again, and godkids wont be given another one unless they are in desperate need of them, like if something else drastic happened, even if they are still miserable, this is a big countroversy in the godparenting industry (which i could go on about tbh)

angela, who used cirrus as an anchor, was EXTREMELY distraught, and if anything made her feel worse by the fact she couldnt remember why (codependancy problems, where have i heard that before!) and after afew weeks of refusing to leave her room she decided to go to the library as a way to slowly start getting back to it and she had picked up a psychology book, and thats where she started her psychology interest, along with vaugely remembering her doing jounraling, so she continued and it spiraled into how she is today

though she had picked up psychology books for older people, so she convinced herself she was more "mature" for her age, and even today she hasnt gotten the hang of how 10 year olds should actually work ("lets leave her untill shes ready to come to us" go talk to ur daughter?)

her parents - heather and felix campbell - werent horrible at all, just in the dark about what her kid was doing since she didnt like to share anything she liked with them at all, if anything they were slightly more "loose" if that makes sense, but because she was just anxious she worried that theyd get mad which they often didnt, if that makes sense

she never really had any friends in her life, as she decided she'd focus on that after shes done with her studies, she wasnt really a social outcast, if anything a little socially awkward, shes only had 1 friend during high school and her social life kicked off more in collage, everyone had respected her but she was more of a "i wont talk unless you talk" type of deal, on top of her grades because it gave her something to do in her free time (and she just enjoyed writing essays in general), and she had gotten much much better where she was now! only problem was that she was still anxious about presenting projects

when she was with postpartum depression after hazel was born she couldnt help but feel like she was missing a puzzle piece, yknow how it feels when you know youve forgotten something, but you dont know what? thats how she felt, thankfully she had gotten treatment quickly

hazel does get her more anxious side from her, angela is a good parent and has taught her children to communicate with eachother unlike how she did with hiding it, though she (unknowingly) struggles with properly understanding her 10 year old and being so focused on her work she cant sit down and 'think outside the box' as shes said

[1d1195]

hiiii !!! i finished ding and i just jasndjfhkadjadj I ADORE them🥹 they truly are just perfect for each other (girl omggg i NEEEEED a future blurb about the rematch and him winning he deserves it after all that anxiety😭 also you should do something where bc they do a rematch and none of them consider that first fight a real match IF HE WINS THE ONE STRIKE IN HIS LOSS COLUMN SHOULD JUST DISAPPEAR LMFAEJFKK)

I WAS SOOOOOO HAPPY TO SEE A TRADITIONAL BLURB !!!!! idk what it is about them but they just have a special place in my heart, i think when you were first posting the series i was just in a really different place in my life, not bad but not really good it was sort of an adjusting period, and i would get on here and read them and they just made me feel sooooo good and it was just a safe place to get lost in and everything. your writing truly is such a blessing thank you so much sam <3

AND THENNNNN last night i couldnt sleep so i was scrolling on here and i saw an anon mention committed and i realized I HADNT READ IT YET so you know i went back and read everything including their blurbs and ohhhh myyyy goodnessss😩😩 THEYRE SOOOOO ADORABLE they way they were just soooooooo down bad for each other ???? i need that otherwise it would never work between me and someone else. THE JEALOUSY BLURB WAS PERFECTION AND THEIR FIRST TIME ?????? AHHHHHHHHH

things are kinda boring on my end, it's officially iced coffee season again and i LOVE THAT. i CANNOT drink it during winter i already tend to run cold so that just pushes me off the edge and i just cant warm up again but now its hot out and im not sick anymore!!🥳 so thats fun

music wise i havent really been listening to anything new but i was on the phone with my sister this morning and i turned on Magic by 1D and its suchhh a fun song😭 ive been feeling more upbeat songs lately and that one has been on repeat ALSO last first kiss :))

hope your doing absolutely amazing lmk whats new with you what've you been up to ??

~🎶

Ahhhhh! Hi! I've been thinking of you! Glad to hear you're not sick anymore! I don't have very many new songs either--I'll have to look! I'm def PMSing so I'm looking for depressing songs to fit my mood rn lol. I'm back on my Noah Kahan kick. MAGIC IS SUCH A BOP. I use it to help me clean my apartment.

I'm so glad you liked Ding and I'm thinking that's a great idea 😉 I'll try to work it in!

That's really sweet about Traditional. It's def the series most people seem to like overall. I'm sorry you were in a tough place but it makes me happy you felt safe here on my little blog. It means a lot to me 💕

I loved Committed! I think it was a random idea (not super suggested) or at least I hope it wasn't because I can't remember. I just liked that TikTok that went with it 😂😂 They were oblivious little cuties for sure. Loved them 💕 SO glad you got to read something knew from me even though I'm def gonna be slow this week! I remember you saying you liked to read finished series so that's probably for the best. They were being annoying part way through if I recall. Not quite a cliffhanger but very Ross-Rachel just shut up and be together sort of thing 😉

I'm SCREAMING about iced coffee season. I drink it year round. My friends send me the snowblower memes during storms that say like "need anything from dunkin?" it's so me. I'm happy for you though! It's like it's officially summer once you start right? That's good news!

Tbh May was really tough for me in about every direction. I'm still kind of overwhelmed with a lot of stuff, but summer is looking more relaxed while still doing a bunch of things. The highlight of the last few weeks was probably reading my trashy romance book and going to a couple book stores and getting more books that I shouldn't have 🤭 It's also POLLEN SEASON around here and it's quite miserable. But it's okay, I will be fine. Just got to get through a few more days of craziness 😅

SO HAPPY TO HEAR FROM YOU! LOVE YOU!

xoxo

[v1x3n]

( ｡ • ᴖ • ｡) - MAD.

simon 'ghost' riley ⸝⸝ navigation ⸝⸝ depressed masterlist ୨୧ tags : angst

୨୧ 𝘴𝘺𝘯𝘰𝘱𝘴𝘪𝘴 : your heart breaks when your bestfriend isn't even there to help you after your attempt.

He was mad? He wasn't mad at himself or everyone who had done shit towards you - he was mad at you. Hell, not even mad, fucking pissed. He was fucking pissed.

The only thing you had remebred from before was having a nice drink, couldnt remebr what speficly it was a blur- but it was something alchoholic. Gin maybe? Wine? You couldnt tell but thats the only thing you remember.

Sipping on your drink then your mind goes blank, by the crying and sad family members around you, being in the hospital and now having a therapist you knew what you had done. It wasn't like it wasn't coming to you though - you had wanted this, well not this moment, for years.

There were so many people who had visited you in that plain boring hospital, crying about you having to live in a plain boring hospital bed and not being able to come to see them and shit, but there was one person who had not come. Simon fucking Riley.

Finally once you could get back into working - obviously with some protection like people need to check on you bla bla blaaa. Seeing everyone again brings happiness to your void of a heart, knowing that all of them care about you and love you dearly. Simon? The person you thought you were closest to? The person who spent every minute with you and you just chit chatted for ages? Not there.

After a bit of being back you got into more group shit, going out drinking and hanging out with them all the same shit. So here you are once more in the mess hall with a few amtes, the usual soap and gaz. When the unseen hulk of a person comes into there, and surprisingly sits next to your group.

“ghost! How've you been? haven't seen you in ages!” Your soft voice mixed with a smile didn't even make his straight faced, emotionless face budge even an inch.

“been fine.” blunt and dry response. Had your relationship with him really gone back to 0?

Luckily soap and gaz was there to make the air a little less awkward, “glad you're back bonnie, when you gettin back onto missions?”

The air in the room was almost unbearable, god you wanted to retry what you had done a few months ago and fucking get it done right because of how fucking awkward it is now.

"Idk" you replied way too quickly as if you needed to move onto a different subject. It wasn't like it was a touchy subject though it was like you felt deep inside you shouldn't mention it any longer. "Whenever I'm better, I guess” you shrugged off.

Glancing your eyes to ghost you got immediate bad energy. You could tell he was pissed.

"Oi si? you alr’ght?”

“fine.” Booming straight answer.

You feel like you should keep prodding so you do, you know maybe you shouldn't listen to yourself all the time - it always ends in the worst.

"You think I wanted to do what I did!?” you scream at him, turning around so you couldn't see his stupid fucking face.

The small dry answers ticked you off so you kept prodding about what was wrong. It ended in him storming off and you following him to his dorm to find out what the fuck was wrong with him! This was the result:

“well fucking clearly or you wouldn't have done it!” he shouts back at you, his anger rising to levels you'd never seen before.

“so you blame it on me?” “you blame me for wanting to fucking kill myself on me?!” screeching as tears flow down your eyes. Not sure of whether it was because the person you trust most is angry at you because you didn't wanna be here anymore or perhaps you were crying at how loud you were shouting-how angry you were back at him.

“yes! Yes, I do! And what's fucking worse? You're still fucking here!” he spits out, hissing from his teeth.

This had just fucking done it for you. Before you were tearing up now you were full on sobbing. "You what?”

“i would've thought you were the one person who would be with me throughtout all of this, seeing as your past and shit i hoped maybe you would understand me Simon."

"well, I don't, it's just pure cowardice!" he screeched once more. You gulp and try to swallow down your emotions from spewing out. Biting your lip from stopping yourself from just screaming non stop at him.

This man is someone you trusted, the person you told everything and anything to and here he was - here you two are. Shouting at each other with all the hate in the world.

“atleast everything ive been through i didnt - i couldnt fucking end it like a fucking pussy!”

"I didn't have another choice Simon!"

People around you could definitely hear every word both of you were saying without a doubt but with the red clouded fog clogging your mind from the pure anger you didn't care.

A crazy feeling of rage, crimson rising through your chest - your breath unhinged and ragged as he screamed more. Blur after blur of shouting then one thing caught your ears.

"You should fucking try again and do it properly again. I cant believe you are that much of a failure you cant even kill yourself.”

"I hate you simon riley." are your last words before you walk out the door leaving him there with all the words he had just spewed out.

comment to join main taglist!

[noisysociopath]

We all have our demons. And we spend whatever time we have in this life, fighting those demons. The battle is always hard. Sometimes too hard, and you feel like you've hit rock bottom, but you just seem to keep hitting it harder and harder again until you've shattered into a million pieces.

We often don't take a second to imagine what someone is going through before judging them. We don't realise whatever we say to someone can significantly impact them. Your words have immense power, it is dangerous enough to kill someone and powerful enough to bring someone back to life.

When we see someone we love struggling, we often rush to help and fend for them, without realising we've run from our battle to fight theirs. Most people have negative opinions about this. But I beg o differ. If our loved one is in pain, subconsciously, we partake in that pain, and our humanity drives us to. But an important thing to ask yourself is, are you fighting their demons to help them, or because fighting yours has become too hard.

Neglecting my pain and putting off my battle for too long was a grave mistake that I greatly regret. Pain is an emotion too. That feeling of emptiness that you can never seem to shake, the constant feeling like someone is sitting on your chest, strangling you, constricting every breath. That cry for help, tangled up in your throat, suffocating you. That hurt, which seems to have no end, simply drains whatever little life that is left in you.

But in an effort to shield myself from the pain, i taught myself to ignore it. Even though it never seemed to work, it did help me to not focus on the hurt and to do other things too. In the process of neglecting my pain, unknowingly i forgot what fear was, what the satisfaction of completing a task was, i forgot what real happiness was. I became so emotionally numb that i didn't even care if people die. I found myself fantasising about death. I had taught myself to not express any emotions that suggested that i was in pain, that even though i wanted to, i had forgotten how to cry. I had been fighting tears for so long, that even though i was locked inside a bathroom, i couldnt fucking cry!

Being someone with ADHD, this was not in my control. People with adhd often mask their adhd related symptoms because we feel that people will never acknowledge them. And adhders are more vulnerable to mental health issues like anxiety or depression. Both of these together is a deadly cocktail.

people dont even realise that you're literally dying, jus cause, ur good at masking it, even u don't realise that ur not okay. You don't realise the pain growing until it swallows you whole

okay people pls dont judge i jus wrote this shit to vent

[caffeinekarlii]

alright, took time to think with regards to previous pin. and yes, i know im talking to myself at the moment, but how tf am i gonna progress if i dont have something for people to see as a starting point eventually?

2022 was...ok. i made absolutely no progress on my mental health, and continued to lapse in and out of depression and had some pretty bad moments of it. i also made no progress on hobbies i wanted to get into. writing was a wash, couldnt even begin to think of where to start in doing art or music, and i have an unfinished lego set ive had open and partially done for a year now. gotta thank my few friends for keeping me sane. and my job? s h i t t y a s f u c k.

i want 2023 to be the year i get my stupid shit together. big step is im quitting my job and trying to find something less damaging to myself. next i gotta find a fuckin therapist and unload everything and find positive ways to work past it. and if those come in the same package? ill take it.

I also want to get into some kind of creative hobby. ive found warhammer 40k to be my latest special interest, and maybe painting minis could be a peaceful bit to get my mind at ease. also just consuming the lore of it all has been amazing to experience.

art and music are also something i want to delve in to. if i could turn this blog into some kind of art space, id be happy. being 23 and getting into this seems...daunting, though ive always been told "you're never too late/old to start", so i keep repeating that. i just want to get my ideas out of my head and onto a space. to quote frank zappa, "I don't even care whether they listen to what comes out, I'm concerned with getting it out, just giving people the option of something other than the norm...".

so yeah, that's big girl karli's funny rant to absolutely no one. but damn, it feels good to finally outline something of a plan. and even if i just keep this blog as a personal record of progress, im ok with that. thanks for reading if you cared to, hope to make you proud.

-karliah

(ps a fuckin girlfriend would be dope too. cute gals hmu ♡)

[royalwriteroftheuniverse]

Cuddling with a proposal (pick a Character I I couldn't maybe its an AU I dont know) I love how happy Chris looks below. It made me smile im such a fluffy one I honestly wish I'd fall asleep tonight and wake up to this loving scene (that’s in the story I wrote) in the morning.... a girl can dream anyway I digress To The Story!!!

Comments and replies welcome Don't repost publish or translate anywhere 18+ just incase.

It's all sweet love cotton candy fluff. I wish I had this... a man like this... but a girl can dream of a perfect day time and man (to treat her) forever like this.

He placed kissed down my arm. I airily giggled a bit. I love that. Everything about that. Especially when he does that.

"Skin's so soft babe."

I ran my opposite hand through his hair.

"I could stay here for days. Can we?"

He nodded

"I miss days like this. Carefree and happy cuddling." I think I came of sounding more upset or depressed than I was

He sigh and looked me over he had a sad smile which he tried to hide. It was also a tired one. He's been tired, more then he'd ever care to admit-I know that.

"We can. What do you say I back out of my next movie contract isn't finalized anyway, well I haven't signed it, we don't have to worry about money or a roof over our heads. And we go somewhere just us we snuggle and cuddle and just recharge hm? I've missed you too."

"I'm right here."

"I know I just I feel like I've been ignoring you and I also wish I had you in my arms more I have everytime I have to step out of his bed I hate it." He was serious but I couldn't help my

giggling chuckle at his what ever that is. His sweetness. His kindness. His love. I always giggle and chuckle he knows that.

"I mean it I don't think I have ever told you how much I love you." His fingers came to my face and started to cup my cheek.

"I know"

"And you're always honest"

I let out a small laugh "No, I mean I know you love me."

He just looked at me lovingly, he looks at my face with this content look like he's trying to memorize every single freckle.

"You're more than just the world to me, your my entire world my galexy. You're everything."

He leans into kiss me and I kiss him." His hands are still on my face.

"It's not my choice its yours. It's your work. And I'd follow you to the ends of the earth you know that." I paused a moment "this is getting to be very circular you realize that?"

He chuckles silently. "Yea a bit but I love you. I do. So much. I want to spend more time with you. It's moving too fast. I want to relax. With you."

"Are you happy?"

"With you I am always happy. Are you?"

"How could I not be? I love you and you just told me yiu love me and you would give your world up for me.... and then said I was your world."

"Well I'm giving you up ever. You're stuck with me for ever and ever, for eternity."

He sounds like a love sick man and I love it.

"Guess were going on vacation."

"There is no one I'd rather spend eternity with than you."

After a minute or so I chuckle to myself as were cuddling.

"What?"

"Nothing it just"

"What?"

"It kinda sounded never mind."

"You mean like a proposal?" He raises his eyebrow.

I turn my head to the side. He's got something under his sleeve.

"Good thing I have this then" I dont know where it came from but he pulls out a black jewelry box, it looks like a ring box.

I can't help but gasp. Then he took put his phone which I didn't notice...not until I saw the video afterwards but he put the ring on my finger as he said to me.

"You just made me the happiest man on earth."

Should I tell him I never technically said yes? 🤔

P.s. I couldnt fit this in the story but I wanted to so here is It....:

"I love your smile. I can't help but smile when I see you smile."

"Well I smile when I see you smile."

"You know what that means don't you?"

"Were going to be spending the rest of our 90+ years together happily smiling. "

"Eternity smiling"

"Eternity smiling"

"Oh yeah"

He has a smile in his face as we kiss.

I just fell in love the photo below when I saw it on the gif choices

TAGLIST

@nana1000night @sparklybarbarianninja @sapphire-rogers @hawkeyes-queen @patzammit

[duckugou]

chilly

Kirishima x gn!reader

cw: angst, drinking, finding yourself, happy ending but not in the way that you think, unrequited love, big self love talk, lil depression but gets better, not proofread

!!come to my asks to be a part of my taglist! just let me know what kinds of fics/ what fandom/ what characters/ etc you want to be tagged in! Requests are open!!!!

song to listen to: chilly by niki!!!

do you ever think about me? when she ain’t around, is your bed cold without me?

Its been a few weeks since you admitted your feelings to Kirishima. Meaning its been a few weeks since things started to get awkward and weird.

You were best friends- inseparable. You went to his house seemingly every day. You had your own apartment but it was always cozier at his place. Maybe it was the fire place. Maybe it was his arms. Who knows.

What you did know was that you always slept better in his bed. And now that things are awkward, you didn't exactly feel welcome in his home like you did before. Not since he turned you down and left you in the middle of your own living room. So you weren't sleeping in his bed to say the least.

In other words, you havent sleep right in weeks.

does her love feel just the same? is she the one to take your last name?

Walking into your usual coffee shop, you had your hood up due to the rain- and your bad hair day. And it was a good thing you did. That way, Kirishima didn't see your face of disappointment and sadness when you saw him with her. Whoever she was, she was in your place. She was sitting with Kirishima at a table, sipping a drink and laughing at his jokes.

When did he find a girlfriend? How long had you been hiding yourself from the world?

The barista called your name, and you turned away just in time for Kirishima to miss your eyes. What did he expect? Sure, it was his favorite coffee shop that he frequented- but how could he forget it was yours as well?

whatever the case, i'm glad you're happy

Sure, it was nice seeing Kirishima's smile again but damn did it kill you to not be the reason.

Was she nice? Was she funny? She was obviously pretty- but could she handle Kirishima's sad spells? What if she couldn't handle the stress of the responsibility of being his shoulder to cry on? What if she wasnt letting him express his feelings the way-

The way you did?

He must be happy without you. You hadnt talked in weeks and yet here he was happy as ever with someone else. Did the whole friendship mean nothing if he would let it all go from just one stupid admission? Maybe you shouldve said it was a joke. Anything to have him back at this point.

Whatever the case would be in the end, you couldnt stand to hear he laugh any longer.

Thanking the barista, you turned and walked out the door, convincing yourself that this was for the best. It was time to move on.

-------------------------------

december's feelin chilly takin' shots at the club to warm up and distract me from feelin empty

Four months later, it was snowing. And you still hadn't talked to Kirishima.

You were used to sleeping alone, finding that it was easier to sleep with rain sounds and a pillow by your side. You didn't need a fire place, you had a heated blanket.

You caught up with old friends but didn't get the same comfort as you did with him.

On a snowy saturday night, you found yourself trudging through the snow to get to a bar a few blocks over. Walking through the door, you looked around at the low attendance, probably because its so cold. Taking your beanie off and hanging your jacket on the back of a seat at the bar, you ordered a shot of whiskey. At least then you 'd have a reason to still be numb- plus it would make you warmer.

You sat for a half an hour, not drinking much but a couple of shots. Listening to the music playing and the few conversations around the bar, you allowed your mind to empty.

Your attention was taken by someone sitting next to you, making you look to the right.

"Kirishima?" You asked quietly, watching the person take their hat off, and shaking the snow off of his jacket. A sharp smile found itself on his face.

"Hey Y/n."

every now and then I would remember how you made me feel

No words came from your mouth. For months, you'd wanted to talk to him- to tell him you were sorry and you missed him.

But now that hes in front of you, no words found themselves in your mouth. You just looked at him.

"You good?" He asked, getting comfortable, ordering a drink.

"Um- yeah. How've you been?" You asked, mouth dry.

"I'm okay. Things have been... quiet." He admitted, looking into your eyes.

"Yeah. Same here- bored a lot." You said, dropping eye contact and asking the bartender for a drink instead of another shot.

"Its uh... nice to see you again, ya know." Kirishima said sheepishly.

"You too." You said, not daring to say anything else.

After a few minutes of silence, Kirishima spoke up.

"I miss you, Y/n. A lot. I dont know why I-"

"Its okay, Kirishima." You interrupted, not wanting the excuses.

"Kirishima huh? No more Eijiro?" He chuckled lightly.

"Yeah we uh- we're not close like that now I guess..." You admitted.

desolation and thrill, maybe I should try love again but I don't, no

"You waiting for someone?" He asked, trying to get to relearn your life.

"No, just by myself." You admitted. "Are you?"

"No. Just wanted to get a little tipsy." He chuckled, thankful that you weren't with anyone- then remembering he has no right to be hopeful about your love life- or lack thereof.

"Have you uh-" Kirishima began, trying to avoid another silence. "Been seeing anyone at all?"

"No. Havent even tried talking to anyone since- well." You sighed, taking another sip, wondering why he cared.

"Yeah- hey. Can we like talk about that?" He asked, his turn to not make eye contact.

"What's there to talk about?" You asked, exhausted.

"I feel awful... I mean I turned you down and then just stopped... talking to you. And the next time you saw me I was with someone else and I-"

"Kirishima it's fine. You dont have to explain it to me. I suck at boundaries and reading people I guess. Its no big deal." You said, pushing your real feelings down. You didnt feel love when you saw him now. You saw someone that walked away and left you without any hope. Someone that didnt care. Someone that never cared you suppose.

"You said you thought we were like... meant to be though. And I just-" He wanted to fix it. He realized it too late, but he felt the same. He got with someone else to make it go away but it made everything worse. He loved you and he was too late.

"Left. You left. And that shows your true character I think." You didnt feel like sugar coating it anymore.

to hell with "other halves" that's bullshit, I'm already whole alone

"I needed you. Well I thought I needed you." You sigh, making eye contact with Kirishima, his breath hitching. "I thought you were my soulmate. I thought we were meant to be- but I was wrong."

"No- you werent I-" He stumbled over his words.

"I was. If we were meant to be you wouldnt have walked away so easily. Thats the truth. And honestly Kirishima, you did me a favor." You said, still maintaining eye contact.

"What?" His heart stung.

and no, I don't want you back we've grown older and apart

"You made me remember who I was before you. I thought I needed you. But after seeing you with her- in OUR spot? I let my love for you die. I moved on alone. I learned to love myself. I can sleep alone now. I started painting again." You admitted, pride filling your chest.

"You did?" He asked quietly.

"Yes. I did. Because I dont need someone else to hold my happiness. I control my own happiness." You said, feeling strong.

"I uh... I guess youre right about that one." He said, chuckling lightly.

"What happened?"

"She left me after we had sex." He admitted, not caring anymore.

"Kirishima."

"Yeah?" He finally met your eyes again.

rediscovered myself, took back my heart

Putting your hand on his, you squeezed lightly.

"You dont need anyone. Youre a good guy- you'll figure it out. You always do. I hope you realize that soon." You said sincerely, tears in his eyes as he felt you slip out of his grip emotionally and you keeping him in your grip physically.

"Youre going to be okay. Find yourself. Promise me that. And then call me, okay?" You said, giving his hand a squeeze, letting it go, and turning away from him as you finished your drink.

Standing up and putting your jacket and beanie back on, you gave Kirishima a final smile and your words echoed in his head.

"Find yourself. Then call me."

He swore that night that he would do just that.

---------

taglist: @maggiecc

!!come to my asks to be a part of my taglist! just let me know what kinds of fics/ what fandom/ what characters/ etc you want to be tagged in! Requests are open!!!!

[lemonboyjosten]

—tw//health deterioration, mva, depression

wow it's been awhile since it posted anything huh, hi i'm alive. i've got so much to say while i was away. personally, this year has been an extreme struggle for me and i can't express how much i needed this platform to confide in you precious beings. i sincerely hope you all have been well, and those of you who usually hang around in my comment section, i havent forgotten the lot of you. you can stick with me on this rant or choose to scroll away. either way i need to get this out of my chest so to those who have wasted your time reading this, thank you, i appreciate it.

if i calculated right, i've been off social media for give or take, 4 months now. this year started off sluggish for me because i got tested positive for covid early march and being immunodeficient really affected my health which pretty much deteriorated since then, not to mention my already suckish lungs were failing on me. hence, i wasn't able to continue with classes so med school was put on hold and then came the early signs of depression knocking on my door as though it was personally invited. i needed some sense of normalcy so i thought i would be healthy enough to get back to the flow of writing and i was, even had my thought process in order and my tiny lungs even started recovering slowly after a month. so i started writing again and even signed up for the aftg exchange and everything with full confidence that i'll be able to deliver and give back to the fandom. i had the whole draft ready to be proof read and posted, with a few other projects i was working waiting to be published but all that went to hell when i was involved in a motor vehicle accident that day which cost me partial function of my leg.

3 months of physiotherapy helped me recover some of my strength but my ambulatory power has reduced for the time being. to add fuel onto the fire, the accident injured my lungs further and i was unstable for quite a period of time. to say i was devastated would be an understatement , i thought of giving up altogether. plus, i lost my scholarship because i wasnt able sit for my exams due to being absent for many classes and that really brought me down. the thought of being a constant dissapoinment and burden to my family members was something i couldn't process the thought of having failed those who've constantly had hopes for me and that hurt even more. i failed to even to contribute in the fandom after receiving my exchange gift made me feel like shit but then i had the best support during these last few months which helped me get back into shape and the right mindset. they even encouraged me to get back on track, start with your close friends circle, family then on my socials and actively engage with others and as cliche as it may sound, it worked wonders, i'm not even joking.

hell, i thought all my socials would've evaporated but based on the number of interaction i've received despite not showing any signs of life made me so happy. (our tiny not so tiny fandom is throving huh) my irls couldnt care less about my absence but the dms that came in through this account asking about my obsession with a stupid sports/mafia series really brought up my spirits and i will to continue my efforts because apprently it's a way to get rid of thoughts of self harm or loneliness; they say it's some kind of positive reinforcement or something like that. so here i am after months of suffering from hell and back. anywho, that's all for my sob story. i didnt want to go detail into some things but if you're interested to know more,feel free to dm me and i'll be more than happy to talk. here's to hoping 2022 would suck less and i'll have the capacity to write more. i miss you guys so much. either way, get ready for more aftg headcanons and fics coming your way. happy new year lovelies! take care and stay safe:)

[masterzholtan]

On the subject of Happiness 3

"Crazy as it sounds you won't feel as low as you feel right now"

I haven't written in this for years and I hate my handwriting so a diary has never appealed to me aside from that one summer I had no internet and played Pokémon Ruby for 6 weeks straight and wrote down how much I hated my parents for not paying the bill.

It's been a mad old journey and I've just reread the posts below about 2016 being amazing and my summer of freedom after the abuse id taken in the years prior, I gushed about joining University and here I am with a First Class Honours degree in Computer Science and a fucking gaming industry job that treats me so well. Look at how far we've come Andy.

I've not thought about what order to write stuff down in in this but I guess I wanna start near the top as in the reason I remembered this little diary existed. I met a person and they fill my heart with such joy and happiness, they are hilarious and beautiful, and together we're really going to take on the world and show others what love looks like. We are perfect for eachother, she told me she loved me and I'd never thought about that ever being a possibility again after all I've been through, I have my moments where I struggle (thanks for that youknowwho) with realising that it's real, and she does actually have these feelings for me and wants to spend time with me, touch me, treat me, laugh with me. And that's why I'm writing in this because a few nights ago she showed me she wrote about me in her diary and it was a real sweet thing to be let in to something so private for her. I can't remember what she wrote exactly because I wanted to read it quick and give back this tome of her thoughts and feelings of times passed, but the one thing that got me was how she described me as "The man she wants to spend her life with" or words to that affects and I've never been so honoured to hear that. In fact I don't think I've ever heard that from any partner before, always the giver and never the taker. She is not like that. I truly love her and trust her. I'm confident that we are it and that makes me so happy.

It's funny how these thoughts of my new partner came racing through my head at Download 22 just past as Biffy Clyro once again make me cry with Machines. The song that soundtracks my depression and anxiety for all these years and with my friends arms around me again as i weep to Simon Neil for I think the 6th or 7th time. I think of this blog so many years ago, I think of that summer of 2016 where I found myself and learnt myself, I think of the time at Uni, I think of the emotional and physical abuse, I think of being sick every morning for a year, I think of how sorry I am that i couldnt support the friends and partners that have come to pass.

I think of where I was and where I am now.

My friends haven't changed since I love them all as much as I do if not more than ever, they all love me still despite how annoying I am. Like a little chihuahua of excitement I am. But I think their tolerance for me will withstand a lifetime

I can't think much else to write. I'm still me, I still celebrate December 15th every year and will continue to do so, I was about to write about antidepressants and how it'd been so long, but I got back on them 2019-2020 and couldn't get my prescription when lockdown started so it's been about 2 years since, I had some private counselling in 2021 and 2 quick sessions this year because of how I was struggling to deal with Isolation, grief and eating which I told no one about except if you're blessed enough to read this

I can't say anyone is ever truly happy because our wants and needs change but I am getting pretty fucking close you know xx

[what-if-nct]

hey joyce, how have you been lately? i hope you are doing well. i haven’t managed to get any asks in lately because my life has been really overwhelming, in good and bad ways. i finally got back to in person classes after being virtual for 2 - 3 years, so no more loneliness and isolation, but me having social anxiety and being introverted has kinda stunted me from going “out there” socially. i did make a few new friends tho :) *pt 1*

since the school year is wrapping up i have finals this and next week, and i am so burnt out i can’t even function properly, like this morning, i went to wrong class all the way across campus, but i was unsure if i had that class so i went back to my dorm, then stirred up the courage to go ask, only find out i was in the wrong class, so i had to walk across campus (again) to get to the right class. i did get clowned for that by my friends, but i love them anyways. *pt 2*

also i found out i’m pan, not bi because of this new nonbinary kid in one of my classes that i might have a crush on. they complimented my digital art, and said they dabbled in it too, and i’m falling so hard. i want to get to know them better before confessing tho. (sorry for so many parts, the ask box will only let me type so much) *pt 3*

i think my depression has gotten better, at least that’s what my therapist told me, and from all the walking ive been doing, i gotten in better shape, so less body insecurities, yay! this month has been a whirlwind for me,(im kinda being dramatic here) but i'm so glad my life has changed for the better. thanks for hearing me out. feel free to get anything you need to off of your chest, or just tell hhow things have been lately. be well! -🌿

I'm so happy to hear your doing better and since it's been a few years since you've been in in person classes it's understandable, it's your first time out in the world since the unfortunate events occured. But I'm sure as you get more comfortable being back around people. it'll get a little easier to be more social. I'm so sorry to hear you've been burnt out. Just breath and remember you're almost there and you'll have a whole summer to destress and hang out with all your new friends and even make more. And yes being friends first will also make any connection even stronger. And I hope everything continues to get better for you.

And I'm fine. I actually talked to a boy on the phone in the first time in a long time. And I was just giggling, curled in a ball on my couch. And he's cute and really sweet and a weird mix of the type of guys I attract. Like sweet awkward gentle anime nerd and the straight forward only here for one thing. It's interesting! He looks like Brandon from Prettymuch. Honestly in Miami the members of Prettymuch represent the dating pool here. I always end up with a Brandon, Nick and for sure an Austin. Speaking of Prettymuch I always forget they have a song with NCT Dream, pretty much about getting consent, it's beautiful. There should have been an mv cause it didn't get the recognition it deserves. Also I watched Pam & Tommy on Hulu and couldn't finish it. one, the way Pamela is betrayed just doesn't feel right. It made me angry how the actress portrayed her. Also what's with current media and the unnecessary penises I am not a prude at all. Trust me. Every Snapchat I receive is a penis I see them everyday. But like why the fuck was it talking!? And Pam didn't want any part of it that should have stopped me but I was curious. I couldnt finish it. Yo I once met a guy who looked just like Logan Paul but with brown hair. But he liked feet.....I'm not proud of that moment of my life. I'm also ashamed I know the lyrics to everyday bro. Not Logan's songs though he knows how to make catchy songs don't judge me. I could not keep a single train of thought. Im sorry. It's really nice to hear that despite some harder things you're doing really well. I'm so happy for you.

[cottoncandy-jester]

✨Lie down darling its time for a dream ✨

It's okay(oikawa x reader)

Okay so i decided to write some hella soft oikawa smut cause..honestly it makes me sad that people hate him

Please don't bully the baby he's amazing and I love him

This story contains: soft fluff, lots of praise, female reader, soft oikawa, comfort sex, depressed oikawa

Oikawa scrolled through the comments again and again as he sat in that dark room, his eyes were glued to his laptop as tears rolled down his already tear stained face, he was reading comments on his newest social media post. He posted a photo of a selfie of him at the beach, he was feeling pretty cute that day so he figured it would be fine to post it

"ew he isn't even all that"

"I wish he would stop begging for attention"

"why is he even popular?"

"that happy go lucky personality if his is annoying"

"he is literally built like a cereal box lol so unattractive!"

He has been doing this for a while instead of going to practice or even doing something productive like eating or sleeping. He couldn't pull his eyes off the screen and it was only when he heard the front door open did he realize the time

Has he really been scrolling through his comments for six hours?!

He didn't rush to you like he normally did when you come home from work, instead he stayed in the bedroom with his eyes still glued to the screen as he read more toxic comments, as you walked through the house you felt a chill go down your spine.

Oikawa did tell you he was skipping practice today and you didn't think much of it, but when he is home he usually likes to rush to your side and give you lots of kisses and affection. The fact that the house was silent scared you, so you walked to your bedroom wondering if he had changed his mind about practice

You opened the door only to see the lights were off and the only light was the laptop screen, you turned on the light being shocked to see oikawa sitting on the bed but you knew something was wrong

"tooru?"

No response not even a glance your way was given so you walked closer and sat beside him only to see his puffy eyes and heartbroken expression, you lightly shake him only to receive nothing

"baby, what's wrong?"

You glanced at the laptop and see him mindlessly scrolling through the comments and you tensed up, you of course knew what he was looking at since you as well viewed the comments but you thought he would just brush it off like always

"I'm worthless... So worthless, you deserve so much better why aren't you with better? Why are you with me? Is it cause you feel bad? I'm just a stupid attention whore, I..I don't deserve you!"

It was utterly heartbreaking to see oikawa break down sobbing now hugging his knees to his chest as he buried his face and cried. You moved the laptop before crawling infront of the male and softly moved his hands wrapping them around you.

"tooru, look at me.."

Oikawa let out a small whine before he picked his head up and locked eyes with you while heavily sniffling. His eyes were filled with a sorrow that just caused you to tear up aswell

"stop it, you're perfect. You are so perfect my perfect husband, I love you so much."

You spoke in a soft tone as you rested your forehead against oikawa's as you started to wipe his tears. You hated that he felt this way and wanted to do whatever you could to make him better but honestly you were at a loss for what to do, what does one do when a shining star starts to dull out?

"y-you think I'm perfect? Really? You don't think I'm annoying or too needy?"

"of course not baby, I mean I married you"

A hoarse chuckle escaped him as he now cuddled against you before slowly kissing your neck. He just wanted to feel you right now, just needed to know you love him he just wanted to be loved.

"what else do you like about me?"

You simply smiled and softly grabbed his face in-between your hands before placing a soft kiss on his nose which made him smile softly

"I love your adorable face, your pretty brown eyes and that sweet smile of yours"

You started to pepper kisses all over oikawa's face as he ran his fingers through your hair, as you started to kiss down his neck you felt him laid back only to softly pull you ontop of him, his eyes were soft and vulnerable as he looked up at you. He didn't want rough and wild like you two normally do, he wanted to love you and make sweet love

"what else- please I need to know..what else do you like?"

You smiled before leaning down and softly lifted his shirt only to kiss his stomach which in turn caused him to laugh

"baby! That tickles!"

"oh babe I'm sorry.."

You smirked as you sloppily kissed all over his stomach which made him burst out laughing before he tried to push your face away

"no no no! Stoooop! You're- hahahaha! [Y/n]!"

"that. I love when you say my name all happy like, it's the best feeling in the world. You're so pretty when you laugh tooru"

The male looked down at you before he softly pulled you up to plant a romantic kiss on your lips, it was sweet and passionate full of love and compassion.

"I love you, so much"

"I love you too now..shall I keep telling you what I love?"

Oikawa smiled before flipping you over so you were under him, with that he took his shirt off before working on getting yours off aswell

"no it's my turn I love your smile, your voice, your beautiful eyes"

As he spoke he kissed down your neck and exposed chest as he took your bra off with steady yet slow touch, he wasn't rushing to rip your clothes off or wanting to fuck you hard no he jist wanted to worship the person he loved more than anything.

"you always know what to say to make me smile, you keep me so strong..grounded"

He slid your pants and underwear down while kissing your thighs and moving himself between your legs but you stopped him, he looked at you confused when you sat up and softly gripped his wrist.

"no- tooru this is supposed to be about making you feel good baby."

"making you feel good makes me feel good so just let me..please"

You bit your bottom lip as you felt his tongue softly lick your sweet nectar before starting to eat you out, his tongue was gentle and slow on you but he also made sure it felt good

"you taste like pure sweetness my beautiful wife, so cute."

He couldnt help but tease you by slowly rubbing your clit as soft sweet moans. He let's out a shaky sigh as he watched your reactions.

"fuck, you looks so damn cute.."

"tooru, if you keep doing that I'm going to-"

Your words were cut off by the male pulling back and finishing stripping, he then crawled over you before rubbing himself against your wet core.

"I want you to cum while I'm inside you, let's become one okay?"

His soft tone made you both incredibly turned on and more in love, as you wrapped your arms wound oikawa's neck you leaned up so kiss him while he softly pushed into you before rocking his hips slowly.

Sweet kisses and soft praise fell from both of your lips while you couldn't help but claw the male's back as he thrusts in and out at a rapid pace but he made sure not to hurt you in any way

"it's okay, mark me up..show me how much you love me cause I love you so much"

He kissed your neck now little it with hickies as his hands rested on your hips. He couldn't help but watch your blissed expression with a face of pure love and he leaned down kissing your cheek

"look at me princess, open your eyes"

"ah- tooru..it feels so good"

You opened your eyes only to stare into oikawa's warm brown orbs before you reached up placing a hand on your cheek

"so pretty, you're beautiful tooru.."

Oikawa started to kiss the inside of your hand while he thrusts faster and faster clearly desperate to feel you around him, he lets out a low groan into your hand

"princess, I'm cumming...cum with me baby. Let's cum together"

Oikawa pulled you close his face nuzzled into your neck as he slammed his hips against you feeling an emotion that could only be described as euphoria shake his entire body while he climaxed.

The both of you cummed harder than you ever have before in your relationship. Sounds of moans and grunts filling the room and you had even bit oikawa on the neck to muffle your loud moans

Oikawa moved next to you and nuzzled his face in your neck before kissing it softly.

"hmmm..so warm."

"hey tooru?"

"yeah?"

You smiled as you placed a soft kiss on his lips

"I love you"

[one-abuse-survivor]

my dad ruined christmas. He started off with constantly antagonising my sister, arguing with my mum and shouting at her, and then, later when i was attempting to get a screwdriver to release my new toy car from its case (it was a mini delorean from back to the future haha so awesome!) he corners me and starts going back on a rant of how dumb i am and how im such a bad child for him. I understand i was in the wrong for repeating ‘excuse me please, excuse me’ the entire time, but i was trying to drown out his voice but also try hoping politeness will help move it along and i can be free quicker. I tried shouting to my mum saying, ‘mum, help me please come on, hes trapped me again, hellooo mum help me’ but she literally couldnt care less, even waving a hand in dismissal towards me, then he told me he was gonna hit me if i didnt start behaving, and he wuestioned what he’d done that was so horrible, that made me not speak to him anymore and act like he wasnt even living here, but i ignored him. I just had to get to my room, and i did. He did back me up further, to which i told him to f off (ik bad on my part, i wish i hadnt said it) but it ahocked him so horribly that he went to go tell my mum, and i made my immaculate escape lol. But as this hasnt happened to me since before quarentine in 2020 (when he would do this for hours at a time, for almost 2 years at that point) ive just been in a huge mental fog and obsessing over the new year and what new challenges i ‘have to overcome’ and stuff and im so scared, honestly. All this year was me pulling myself up from depression and wanting to be unalive and now im acc wanting to live and be happy, i dont know how lol. I mean, what if i screw it up and suddenly it all comes back and i give in this time? What if i dont be my best self next year and finally, finally get away from my parents? My birthdah is next week and im almost sure hes gonna ruin it, like he has the past 3. I have hope he wont, and that this years gonna be great, but i have so much dread and fear, and idk how to make those go away fully tbh

Nonnie, I'm so sorry he did this. I hope you know what your dad did to you on Christmas day and all those times before quarantine is really abusive, and your mum not caring is also abusive and neglectful. You did not deserve his insults or his threats. I don't think you were in the wrong for doing or saying any of the things you did and said in that situation—I think you did your best to de-escalate it and get yourself to safety.

When it comes to abuse, in my personal opinion, there's no wrong way to react—nothing you can do or say that means you actually caused or deserved the abuse. More often than not, we act on instinct in these situations—and not rationally—because our fight/flight/freeze/fawn response has been triggered. So please, don't be hard on yourself for the way you handled the situation. You should never have been put in that position in the first place, and it's him you should be mad at for cornering and abusing you, and not yourself for the way you reacted. All you wanted was to keep yourself safe.

I also want you to know that demanding to know what he did to make you not speak to him was really abusive of him. My mother did this too, and I just want you to know you're not alone .

I'm sorry 2021 was such a bad year, and I really hope you're proud of yourself for everything you accomplished regarding your depression, because that's huge! I also hope your birthday went well after all ❤️

Regarding dread about 2022 not being good/not being the year you finally leave, try to focus on the things you can control, nonnie. Some days, "what you can control" can look like gathering all your important documents and giving your friends your belongings (like books, toys...) little by little so you don't have to take everything with you in one go later on. Other days, it can look like getting through the day or even through the next few minutes. That's okay. It's okay if "doing your best" some days looks like surviving the day. You're still working towards getting out of there by surviving, I really hope you know that.

Sending all my support your way. You know I'm here if you need to reach out again ❤️

[arthurflecksgirl]

Artie falls in love with you / Arthur Fleck short story

Disclaimer: Suicidal thoughts, sex, drunk Arthur, romantic, sweet

“How...how many kisses?“

Arthur was lying on the couch, burying his face in the pillow. The two of you went out on a date for the third time today and you were truly in love with him.

“Just tell me sweetheart, how many?“ He mumbled. The couple glasses of wine werent a good idea considering that he was on his medication and was never really drunk before. You felt kinda bad about his condition right now. But you really tried to get him out of his apartment and did choose a good restaurant to finally get him to eat something. He never ate propery and looked kinda starved. Also a side effect of his meds. You felt good, watching him eating half a plate today, so you ordered some wine,too.

You kneed in front of the couch to made sure he's comfortable, petting his soft, sweaty curls “What do you mean?“

He smirked at you “How many smoochies will I get from you tonight?“ His face lighted up looking at you. His childlike grin made your knees weak every time.

You kept on playin with his hair “Many,Arthur.“

“But how much?“

He tried to get up and kiss you on the cheek, making kissing noises and almost fell from the couch “Oooops“ he buried his face in your neck “I almost fell. Good thing I fell in your arms,huh?“ His breath felt hot against your skin. The smell of his hair felt like home. “Yeah Arthur, I'm afraid you're a bit drunk.“

Arthurs smile grew even more “I'm not drunk. I just love you so much and need to know how many?“ A sloppy kiss on the corner of your lips.

“Countless,Artie.“

He sunk back into his pillow “Wow, thats a lot!“

You took the blankets and covered him with it “Just try to get some sleep,okay? You will get all the kisses when you're sober again“.

He crawled up under the sheets, his beautiful face lookin slightly weathered. “Hey (YN) wanna hear a Joke? “

“Sure“

“So this man comes into an libary“ he chuckles in his pillow already.

"...and asks for a book on how to commit suicide.

And the libarian said  Fuck off, you won`t bring it back"

He can`t help but laugh about his own joke. His dark homor said more about himself than you wanted to admit but you were very drawn to his view of things. He always seemed to feel everything with an intensivity you have never seen on someone else before. Eighter if he was happy or sad. When you met him he told you he never felt happy in his whole life but you felt like it changed dramatically since you dated. Knowing that he was all alone by himself, expect from living with his mother his whole life still breaks your heart. Never have you met someone more caring. He loves to make late night conversations while cuddeling up under the blankets, about everything that was going on in his head. Sometimes he had troubles explaining what he was trying to say but you loved his way of observing things around him. He payed attention wo every datail. You admired him, which he couldnt understand. He loved to be seen and he loved that you listened to him carefully. But he still wasnt sure why you loved him so much. You guess he wasnt used to this kind of attantion.

"Thats a good one,Arthur!"

He was getting sleepy "Yeah... you know what (YN) there are many more jokes in my journal, you know? I want you to read it. "

"The jokes?"

"The whole thing"

His eyes got heavier now.

"There are not only jokes in it" his eyes tried to focus on you "I was writing about you,too.I want you to read it"

Your hand slit under the blanket to caress his chest "About me? Really?"

"Yeah" the scar on his upper lip liftet when he did that smirk and it always made you blush. He even managed to make you blush while lying drunk on the couch. You felt kinda bad by getting turned on seeing him in this condition.

"I dont know Arthur, I feel like this is kinda personal. I dont want to disturb your privacy by reading your journal.

"Just do it!"

"Artie, you`re drunk. What if you dont want me to read it anymore in the morning?"

He was leaning  over to give you sloppy kisses again "Thats why I want you to read it now." He was pointing his finger at you "Hey, wanna hear another one?"

You gave him a soft kiss on his forehead "Get some sleep, Arthur. You need to rest now"

He falls back into the pillow and falls asleep with a smile on his face.

After you made sure he fell asleep you looked at his diary. He really said he wanted you to read it. And that he wrote about you.

You werent sure if you should take a look. This felt so personal. On the other hand... You were more than curious about what he might thought of you. You just started dating and had your first kiss some days ago. He was a really good kisser. You guessed he didnt really knew what to do at first but he was so emotionally involved. He seemed to soak up every second of the moment. Like he really wanted this. He was right there in the moment with you, which you loved.After the kiss he confessed that he never was with a woman before and you think he was a bit ashamed about it. But he still wanted you to know. You didnt mind. You thought it was cute actually. And you wanted nothing more than being his first. You would love him all night. Like he deserved to be loved.

Another stare at his diary. You put my hands on the cover. Arthur Fleck case number 064823. Sure he had some problems. But you wanted the both of you  to figure them out together. You wanted to hold his hand when he was in the waiting room to attent his appointments. You still werent sure what the exact diagnose was. You didnt wanted to upset him by asking too much about it. But you knew that he took anti depressants and anti psychotics.

You opened the first page of his diary. Some jokes, really dark ones. Mostly about death.

You turned the pages. Observations about homeless people. More dark jokes. Sad thoughts about being left alone.  You didnt really read all of it cuz it still felt like you were disturbing his privacy. So you tried to find the pages which are written about you and searched for your name to pop up and there is was.

Your name was written in big, red letters that looed like lipstick. With a big smiley. Your heart jumped out of my chest when you saw it. There was something so cute about it and you imagined him drawing this the night, after you met.

You took a deep breath and started to read as your hands were shaking.

"Today I met the sweetest girl. She was new in my neighborhood and seemed to be different from all those aweful bricks here in Gotham. She has a nice smile. An authentic one. Not like my own smile, which is never authentic for so many reasons. I dont even know what a real smile is. But when I saw her , I smiled and for the first time in my entire life  it felt like a real smile.

So she had those big packages to carry and i was just standing there, staring at her and suddenly she asked me for help. I was never been asked for help before. People tend to ignore and avoid me a lot. So I was very pleased to help her with her packages. We got into an conversation and I told her a joke. And she was laughing. I love it when people laugh at my jokes. I mean, I wanna do stand up comedy so bad. I need people to think that I`m funny. And I know I am. ---smiley face---

Anyway, I felt like finally someone sees me. The next day she came up to me when I was about to get to th pharmacy and she asked me out on a date. I couldnt belive it at first. I have never been on a date before. I was kinda nerveaus. Why would a beautiful, young woman like she is go out with me?

Of course I said yes.

I was dreaming about this for so long. Maybe she could be my girlsfriend. This would be a dream come true. I already told her that I have some issues, because she asked me why I was going to the city and I didnt thought twice and told her I have to buy my anti psychotics. I know that this wasnt a good move but it seems like it didnt scare her away. Well, she doesnt know how bad it really is by now.

I really hope that this time she is real and I`m not having visions or daydreams again.

Sometimes its hard to tell.

Some days I even think the meds make it even worse. But at the same time I am afraid to go off my meds. I did it once and I did some bad shit. I even ended up in Arkham for a very long time. Which wasnt that bad really.

Sometimes I think I felt better when I was locked up.

Not being able to leave my room, being with my thoughts all day, drifting away in daydreams gives me comfort. Its like ignoring the cold, dark world outside. The world doesnt care about me anyway. So why should I? The sad thing is, I still do care. I thought about ending my own life so amny times. Almost every day. But I never really tried it. Its just a game I play with myself.

How long? How long until it is not a game anymore?

How long till I have the guts to do it?

Oh man, I`m drifting away again. I wanted to talk about the GIRL!!!

She`s gorgeous. Just gorgeous.

I wish I could kiss her. I`m 35 and I hadnt had my first kiss yet. Its TIME!

I tried it once with this girls from scool i was in love with but I got so nerveaus that I started to laugh at her face and she thought I was laughing at her. Yeah well... she ended up punching me in the face and I never tried it ever since.

But I dreamed about it a lot. How would it feel to have someones lips pressed against yours? Softly and intense. To taste someones tongue in your mouth, to just melt into each other.I would never stop. I feel like a kiss is a connection on a higher level and I really wanna experience it with someone.

I got some other fantasies,too.

They`re pretty dirty and I dont feel like I can talk about them right now.

So i`m gonna quit writing for today and hope that the girl isnt already sick of me.

You turned the page and took a look at Arthur. He was humming in his sleep. Looking peaceful. All the words in his diary overwhelmed you up to a point where you didnt know what to think anymore. You hoped he enjoyed his first kiss. You really hoped your kiss was worth the wait.

The next page was just black scribbles all over the pages. Little drawings of people and cats. A lot of cats.

The next page was written on again.

"Today I woke up and wanted to die. I don`t even know why. It was just a gut feeling. I was miserable andthe darkness was caving in on me. But then I thought about the girls I just met and that she really seemed to like me. So I decited not to kill myself. Not today."

You thought about putting the diary aside. This was a lil too much for you. You didnt knew he was in such a dark place mentally. You were kinda scared but  couldnt stop reading eighter.

"So...I remembered her kiss, my first kiss and this memory was so strong. I am sure it wasnt just imagined. This time I am sure it was real. It has to be. I wanted to distract myself from suicidal thoughts and started to touch myself while thinking of her. Maybe I should write her a love letter. Or bring her flowers. Or both. I think I`ll do both. Anyway, I touched myself while thinking about sleeping with her and I finally felt something again. I tried so many times but my meds wouldnt let me cum. It barely happens. Thinking about her kiss, her hands in my hair, on my thights, between my legs.... and her sweet voice on my ear helped me a lot. I felt passion and  love and  I came so hard, you wouldnt even wanna know. I hope Penny was asleep and didnt noticed anything. This would be embarrassing as hell. I surely made some noises.

I imagined that I took her hand and made her dance all through the living room to Frank Sinatra songs and we got closer and kissed. She told me how much she loved me and how much she wanted me. I held her face in my hands and kissed her so hard, all my make up smeared up on her beautiful face. I am always wearing clown make up in my sexual fantasies. It makes me more confident.  

She just grabbed me and took my clothes off, threw them all over the room, threw me on the bed and covered my body with kisses. I felt loved for the first time in my life and all I wanted was to be inside her. To wear her like a coat that keeps me warm. I imagined her being on top of me, whispering in my ear how much she wants me to fuck her.  And yeah I know in reality she would have dominated me for sure. But in my imagination I just got on top of her and made love to her till she was out of breath. I could almost feel her breath in my neck, feel her sweet, soft hands all over me. It was just so real.  I wish it was real.

Could it become real some day?

My body was reacting in a way I didnt even knew was possible before.

I want to expercience it again. With even more details.

I think i wil get back to bed and try it one more time.

And afterwards I will write her a letter. Or two.

I just wish she never leaves again."

Blank page

Another blank page.

You put the diary aside and got up on the couch.

You crawled up under his blanket and felt the warmth of his tiney, fragile body which you want to hold for the rest of your life.