#you could hand him a dirty pot and a scouring pad and some soap and tell him to scrub it
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yeah-thats-probably-it · 19 days ago
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Once again tumblr is silencing my voice by not letting me add more than 30 tags. Okay the rest of what I was going to say is that if you gave him an assignment that was simple and out of the way enough, even upstairs, he might be able to stick it out for a couple hours. Another factor that determines how long that might be is where this is happening. Is he at Brinkley Court? Then Aunt Dahlia and the other servants (whom he seems to be on good terms with) will cover for him. No matter what he screws up, “oh, that’s Barry! He’s just new here!” Jeeves might be able to work something similar at a different manor house (presuming Bertie’s face isn’t already known there) if he’s on good terms with any of the servants there. They might agree to take Bertie under their wing as a favor to Jeeves. It also depends on whether Jeeves himself is there to help him, whether they’re working in the same area of the house, and if they’re able to inconspicuously pull each other aside to confer.
In conclusion: can’t answer question, too many variables
#this is tough because i kind of have to add some nuance#regarding the wording of the question itself#the question being asked is not how long he would last before getting found out#it’s how long he would last before saying/doing something inappropriate#the answer to the latter question is ‘within the hour’#because bertie’s model for what a proper servant is supposed to act like is jeeves. and jeeves says and does inappropriate things constantly#jeeves is not normal. he is not passing on good servantly practices. bertie does not understand that his own willingness to listen to#long lectures about pearls and shakespeare is not universal to all employers#however if the implicit question is how long before he’s caught that could vary a lot more depending on a range of factors#first of all as some have already noted i think bertie is smarter than he presents himself as#in the show he can’t make tea even with a manual but i don’t believe there’s any such scene in the books#he often is very vague about the details of jeeves’ valeting activities which could be taken to mean he doesn’t understand them#but could also just be conservation of detail or simply not seeing it as that important#everyone at this time knows what a valet does - we don’t need a detailed word picture about it#bertie has every detail of jeeves’ facial expressions and body language memorized#that speaks to many hours of staring at him and observing him#i believe bertie has spent enough time watching jeeves to grasp the basic theory of much of what he does#he would perform the task of ironing a shirt terribly but he COULD perform it#he understands the basic steps of 1. lay shirt on ironing board 2. pour water into iron 3. plug in iron#(electric steam irons were invented 1926 they could have had one from very good jeeves onwards)#and the end result would be a shirt with creases in all the wrong places that has nevertheless clearly been pressed with an iron#i think he could pass for a BAD servant for at least the better part of a day#as prev said he has better chances downstairs#you could hand him a dirty pot and a scouring pad and some soap and tell him to scrub it#upstairs he’s on very thin ice. again like prev said he has an expressive face and no filter#however i’m going to say that if he REALLY put everything he had into it he might be able to last an hour or two. again because of how much#he’s observed jeeves. if he kept mentally repeating ‘stuffed frog face. stuffed frog face stuffed frog face’ (there is a chance he would#eventually accidentally say this out loud) he could probably do a just plausible enough impression of a very distracted spaced out servant#who probably jumps every time someone speaks to him#if he DOES have to speak he knows a few scripted lines from jeeves but again jeeves is not the best model for talking like a proper servant
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afterganon · 6 years ago
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After Ganon Part Two
Zelda awoke in an unfamiliar room, daylight breaking through the window to her left. The bed she occupied felt soft as the goose down beds of Hyrule Castle... Or what was once the castle. Below her pots and pans clanked, a sizzling faintly calling her to the cure for her empty stomach. At the foot of the bed were her new folded clothes, their blue and white pattern reminiscent of her old blouse, but padded with heavier material. The pants were a strong leather, with metal kneecaps and a pair of good boots to match them, metal greaves reinforcing the shoes. Changing quickly into the well tailored clothes, Impa having remembered her fittings after so long apart, Zelda made her way downstairs. A stair creaked beneath her foot. Link spun in an instant with a butcher’s knife in hand... Only for it to clatter against the floor when he met her eyes. The knight looked down to his hand in horror and Zelda crossed the kitchen floor to pull him into a tight embrace. Over his shoulder she saw the finely chopped ingredients of whatever he had been cooking. Did he always know how to cook? Link’s arms came around her, and although she was the one comforting him, Zelda couldn’t help but feel safe in the circle of her champions arms. She stroked the back of his head slowly. “It’s okay, it’s okay. I understand. It’s okay.” They parted, Link smiling thankfully as he returned to the simmering concoction on his stove. “What are you making Link?” The princess inquired, taking a seat at the table and looking around with interest at the house of her champion. Upon the walls were weapons and shields of legendary might, enchanted bows, swords of great magic and science. Nestled between an Ancient Shield and a Savage Lynel Shield was a simple Pot Lid, something that made Zelda chuckle. Link took the recipe he was following from the counter beside him and handed it over to his guest as way of an answer. “Hearty Salmon Meunière?” The princess asked with raised eyebrows. “How long have you been cooking for?” Link cocked his head and smiled in confusion, jostling his damp hair. “Not long, I wanted to have some food ready before you woke up.” Zelda giggled, “No, I mean when did you start learning to cook like this?” Her champion frowned, plating her meal up carefully. The young woman waited patiently, knowing that Link would speak once his thoughts were organized. “When I woke up, Hyrule was gone and I didn’t know anything or anyone. I just knew I had to fight, to survive, to save you.” He put the meal in front of her, along with a knife and fork. He waited for her to begin eating before speaking again. “I had to cook my own food, so I figured I should learn to make it an enjoyable experience.” “Are you not going to eat?” Zelda asked in concern, but Link only smiled as he gestured to a dirty plate beside the stove. “Oh you already ate... What time is it?” Link chuckled. “You were very tired. you slept from noon yesterday until... I think it’s almost sunset.” Zelda’s eyes widened in surprise, her mouth filled with salmon and the delicious sauce that Link had made for it. No wonder she was so hungry! The princess swallowed her food and looked sheepishly at Link, who was delighted to see her wolf down his cooking in a far from refined manner. “I’m sorry.” She said, taking a cloth from the center of the table and dabbing at her mouth and chin. “My manners are atrocious.” Link shook his head emphatically. “Food must be good.” He said with a wink, smiling at Zelda’s laughter. The meal passed in companionable quiet, Zelda complimenting Link’s cooking at many points and Link blushing at many points. When she was done the princess picked up her plate and and collected Link’s dish, before looking around in confusion. Link stood up and tried to take the dishes from her. “No, I want to help.” Zelda insisted. “Where do you wash up?” Link stood for a moment, amused and appreciative that the princess was offering to, for what Link assumed was the first time in her life, wash dirty dishes rather than have him do it for her. He shrugged and opened the front door, grabbing his pot, pan, and a bar of soap from the shelf beside the door on his way past. Outside he gave Epona a pat as he passed her and squatted by the pond, scooping sand into a pot, soaping the water, and then scouring it vigorously. Zelda watched him for a few moments, then mimicked them. They washed in silence, before Zelda huffed. “Surely there’s an easier way?” “Hot water and a wire scrubber clean things faster.” Link nodded. “I don’t like using wire brushes though, they scratch the plates and cookware.” “Did you learn all of this after you woke?”  Link nodded, his movements practical and efficient.  “When did you buy this house?” Zelda asked curiously, quietly noting the room at the back of said house.  “I had been journeying for two months, crossed the Gerudo Desert, climbed to the peaks of the Hebra Mountains.” Link put his cleaned dishes to the side, taking cutlery from the pile beside Zelda without a struggle. “I was getting stronger, saved Vah Naburis and Vah Ruta, but each time I was hurt or exhausted and crawled back to a stable or a nearby town it didn’t feel quite right...” Link turned and shaded his eyes from the setting sun, looking towards the colourful, boxy houses across his bridge. “The people who live there, Bolson and Karson, along with my friend Hudson, built this house and gathered almost all of the furniture in it for... A fair price.”  “How much is a fair price?” Zelda frowned, concerned that he had been swindled.  “I could afford it well enough.” Link shrugged. “Rupees weren’t important to me at the time, I was focused on getting stronger and freeing the Divine Beasts.”  Zelda’s next question was cut off, as light footsteps hit the wooden slats of Link’s bridge at a rapid pace. Link stood up and took his washed dishes back to the house, with a curious princess in tow. A child was knocking on Link’s door frantically, crying as she did so. “MISTER LINK! MISTER LINK PLEASE I NEED HELP!”  “Mister Link” quickly rushed to her side. “Aster calm down! What’s wrong, you’re meant to be home by now.”  Aster drew in a ragged breath, tears and snot running down her face. “The monsters took Teebo!” Link’s comforting expression became thunderous in a moment, his muscles stiffening as he firmly held Aster’s shoulders. “Where did they take him Aster? Which direction? Quickly!” “W-we were playing in Mi-Midla Woods.” Aster croaked, wiping at her face. “And they came out of the trees, a big monster took Teebo and ran towards the big tower, the blue one!” Link nodded and dashed inside the house to arm himself, Zelda knelt down and hugged the girl to her. “Shhhh, it’s going to be okay, Link will find him.”  “Th-they eat people!” Aster cried into the princess’s shirt. “It’ll be my fault, it was my idea to play hide and seek!” “No no, you mustn’t say that.” Zelda said, rocking gently from side to side. “This is no one’s fault but the monsters who took your friend. It is because of you that he could be saved.” Link burst from the house at a dead sprint, rushing past Zelda and Aster, trusting in the princess to keep the child safe and calm. The champion’s pace did not let up, not when he rounded the house, crossed the paddock, or when he approached the cliff beyond.  He jumped, Revali’s Gale catching his glider as he swung it above his head and launching him into the sky. Zelda gasped behind him, shocked to see Revali’s power lift Link upwards, but she quickly overcame her shock to attend to Aster.  Link was flying, wind whipping at his clothes and hair, the Bokoblin Tree Fort rapidly coming into focus before him. His eyes scanned the space quickly, accounting for the three Bokoblins (Two red, one blue) and the larger Moblin. Link growled under his breath, the damn thing had skin too dark to be blue and in its hands was a sack. A sack that moved. Link landed behind their lookout, a red Bokoblin that squealed as Link ran it through with his glowing Ancient Sword, turning on the balls of his feet to arc his blade around and pass through its blue friend’s neck. Above him the last Bokoblin squeaked in fear and scrambled for its bow, but the Hero had already found his own. An arrow buried into the flesh between that monster’s eyes, and another slammed into the black Moblin’s spine, the creature grunted and turned, dropping the sack in surprise.  Good. Thought Link. Now I don’t have to worry about hurting Teebo. The Moblin ran at him with a bellow of rage, its claymore coming down in a vicious swing that Link nimbly ducked under and rolled behind, his Ancient Sword flaring once more as he cut a path across the monster’s back. The beast roared as the arrow wound Link had given it moments before was sliced with that burning weapon. The Moblin swung a desperate and wide sweep with its sword, catching Link’s left arm to the Hero’s surprise and chagrin. Pressing the advantage, the monster stepped forwards and gripped the claymore in a double handed manner that... Left it wide open. Link surged forwards and the point of his sword found the soft flesh under that Moblin’s chin, unhindered there it continued up into the massive creature’s brain.  Right in the off switch. Link grimaced as his sword shattered from the strain.  Wasting no time, he ran to the upper platform, taking his dagger from its sheath and carefully cutting open the sack.  “TAKE THIS!” Teebo screamed, slamming his tiny fist into Link’s jaw.  The champion rolled with the punch, trying to save Teebo’s knuckles as best he could, still the young lad left out a pained yelp as his fist connected with the chiseled stone of Link’s face.  The hero rubbed at his mouth indignantly, but with a twinge of pride. He noticed Teebo’s glasses by the boy’s feet and bent down to pick them up, wary this time of the boy’s powerful martial arts.  Gently, but still with some haste, Link slipped the glasses back onto Teebo’s head and stepped back. The boy blinked as his eyes adjusted, but they flew wide as he finally recognized the kind young man that lived across the bridge.  “Mi-Mister Link?” He said, tears welling in his eyes as he rushed forwards to cling onto his rescuer’s side. “MISTER LINK!”  Link laughed, more in relief and to assure Teebo that it was okay, that he was alright, than out of any particular humour in the situation. “Hey there T-man.” “I’m sorry! I’m sorry Link!” Teebo sobbed as Link picked him up and carried him down from the fort, careful to avoid the monster remains.  Huh, that’s weird. Link thought to himself. Their bodies haven’t disappeared. “Sorry for what T-man?” Link asked jovially, swinging the boy around so that he was seated on the hero’s shoulders.  “For- For hitting you.” Teebo said, sniffling as he tried to stop crying.  “Teebo, if I wanted to be friends with anyone, it’s the kid that comes out of a sack ready to punch monsters.” Link told him, reaching up to pat the boy’s side. “You’ve got a mean right hook, if I didn’t flinch you’d have taken my head off.”  “My hand hurts.” Teebo replied simply.  “They do that, after you hit someone.” Link chuckled. “You should thank Aster when we get back, she ran all the way to my house so that we’d know you were in trouble.”  “I th-thought Bolson went home when it started getting dark?” Teebo asked, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “Oh that’s right, you were off with Azu when I got back.” Link muttered. “I have a friend staying with me, I think you’ll like her, T-man.”  “Is she from Lurelin?”  Link scanned the forest as they passed through, wary of any opportunistic monsters that may have heard the fight. “Noooo... She’s from the castle.”  “The castle?” Teebo asked suspiciously. “No one is from the castle, monsters live there.” “Not anymore.”  “What do you mean not anymore?” “I made them go away.” Link hedged. “Like the monsters that took you.” Teebo, atop the shoulders of a man that had just beaten more monsters than he had seen in his life, thought on this for a moment. “So she’s from the castle?” Link smiled. “Why don’t I tell you about it tomorrow? Tamana must be out of her head worrying about you.” “Promise?” “Promise. We’ll play tag afterwards yeah?” Back in the village, Link found Tamana’s house empty, and her Cuccos untended. Sighing, the champion decided to take Teebo to Aster, so that she knew he was safe.  They were barely halfway across Link’s bridge when a cry of “TEEBO!” came from the house, and both Tamana and Aster rushed to the boy. Seeing his mother and friend brought fresh tears to the youngster’s eyes and he ran to his mother’s embrace, Aster joining the hug as Tamana held her son close.  The young mother looked up to Link from where she clutched Teebo as the champion stepped closer. “Thank you, by the Goddess thank you Link. If anything had happened to him I wou-” “Don’t worry Tamana.” Link quickly interrupted, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. “Teebo had it wrapped up by the time I got there, half a dozen Bokoblins beaten to a pulp, right T-man? All I had to do was wrestle the Moblin down.”  Teebo, red eyed and wet cheeked, shook his head. “Mister Link killed a black Moblin Momma, if he wasn’t... wasn’t there then-” “Then the men from the village would have saved him instead.” Link said firmly. “Dantz would have cracked their skulls with a shovel, I’ve no doubt.”  Zelda came over from the doorway, helping Tamana to her feet. “Aster rushed here as fast as she could, it’s because of her that Link got there so fast.” Tamana nodded, reaching out to give Aster a tight hug. “You’re a good friend, but please, stay. out. of. those. WOODS.”  “Yes ma’am.” Aster squeaked.  “Monsters don’t kidnap children usually.” Link said with a frown. “Tell the other kids to stay near the village from now on you two.” Aster and Teebo nodded dutifully, both trying furtively to clean themselves up.  “For now go and get some rest.” Zelda said, patting Aster on the head and giving Teebo’s shoulder a squeeze, before looking up at Tamana. “And maybe a warm bath?”  “Absolutely.” The mother nodded. “I’ll tell Medda what happened, and make sure Aster gets a good meal, maybe a new toy or a dress, I can make her a dress if I have some spare time in-” “Tamana.” Link said patiently, used to the woman’s rambling. “The kids are probably getting cold.” “Right!” Tamana nodded, taking Aster and Teebo’s hands in her own. “C’mon kids, let’s get you clean and warm.”  Link waited until they had disappeared behind the Bolson Construction display homes before he took a hissing breath and clutched at his arm, going over to the cooking pot by his house and taking several things from his belt pouches, Zelda glimpsed a fairy and some grisly looking remains in the mix before he tossed them in the pot and quickly combined the ingredients into a health elixir that he downed before it even cooled. The slash across his arm closed up, and the blood that had seeped out evaporated, swirling into a stream of mist that Link inhaled and sighed as he was righted.  “A hard fight?” Zelda asked with concern. “Ganon knocked more out of me than I realized.” Link explained sheepishly. “I let the Moblin get the better of me. I don’t like this kidnapping business, I’ll have to watch out when they come back under the blood moon.” Zelda tilted her head, confusion weighing down her brows. “Come back? Link, they won’t come back. Ganon is gone now, his power won’t resurrect the monsters anymore.” Link stopped, halted, paused, and froze all at once. His brain broke for a moment as that reality settled into his logical reasoning, before fixing itself and processing what the princess had said.  A giggle escaped him, quickly it evolved into a chuckle, and then a full blown rolling laugh. He held his stomach and doubled over as mirth overtook him.  “I can gain ground!” He exclaimed, gripping Zelda’s shoulders in joy. “I can push them back!” His grin faded as he looked to his hands, a blush spreading over his face. After the heat of battle and the joy of defeating Calamity Ganon, hugging his Princess had felt natural, expected, but now that he had a cool head? The difference in their station was never so clear. He quickly stepped back. “I- I’m sorry Princess, I didn’t mean to-” “Link.” Zelda interrupted him tiredly, stepping forwards to close the distance he had placed between them. “You don’t need to apologize for just... Just touching me.” She reached out and took his hand in hers, holding it as she spoke. “We haven’t been near one another for a century, but I feel like there is no one else I could be closer to. It’s because of you that I’m alive, that ANYONE is alive. You died because of me, and slept for a hundred years recovering, when you woke up I felt like hope had returned to the world... And fear. You had every right to deny me, to abandon me, but without your memories, without any idea who I was, you decided to listen and rescue me.”  Link’s hand gripped hers tighter. “There was no choice.”  “Of course there was.” Zelda said with a bitter huff. “You could have decided I was finally too much of a-” Link’s other hand bumped into her chin, tilting it up so that Link could look into her eyes. “If I woke up in that cave a million times over, each and every time I would walk out knowing my purpose. Save the princess.” “Why?” Zelda asked. “Because it’s your destiny?” Link shook his head, letting his hands fall to his sides. “Because if I didn’t save you, I wouldn’t be me. Just like how if you didn’t seal Ganon, you wouldn’t be you.” The two headed inside, Link pleasantly noting that Zelda had brought the dishes inside after he rushed off to save Teebo, they turned and ascended the stairs.  The tired knight sat down on his stool, lent back against the wall with one arm upon the banister and the other on his bedside drawers, propping up his head. Zelda sat down on his bed, scooting until she was lent against the wall beside the window. “Do you get injured often?” Zelda asked quietly, a tone in her voice that made Link wary.  “Not anymore, at the beginning I did, but as I improved and grew stronger there were less opponents that could worry me.” Link shifted his shoulders. “Riju thinks I could stand to carry more durable shields with me.”  “Smart advice.” Zelda said with a raised eyebrow. “Who’s Riju?”  “The Gerudo Chieftain.” Link revealed, a grin curling his lips. “She’s very young, but quick as a whip and loved by the Gerudo. You could say she has their... Seal of approval.”  Zelda smiled as Link snickered at his own joke, not quite sure why it was funny, but enjoying her stoic knight showing off his happiness. “I’d like to meet her sometime, if she’s anything like Urbosa I’m sure...”  Link looked over with a frown, finding the princess on the verge of tears as she looked to his side. At the picture of the Champions. Link was at Zelda’s side in an instant, his concerns about touching her forgotten as he embraced the young woman and tried to comfort her.  “It’s like I saw her yesterday Link.” Zelda told him, keeping a vice-like hold on his torso. “Like I saw all of them.” “They’re at rest now.” Link told her, not sure if it was the right thing to say. “I saw them briefly, after defeating the pieces of Ganon within the Divine Beasts. They guided the attack that decimated Ganon from above.” “Could... Could they still be in the Divine Beasts?” Zelda asked tentatively. “Even a piece of them?” “Maybe.” Link acknowledged. “With spirits as powerful as theirs, I wouldn’t bet against it.” Zelda grew quiet for a time, her hold on Link unbroken.  “Can I go to see them? If they truly are still there?”  “I’ll take you myself when I’ve recovered.” Link assured her. “I was planning on seeing Dorephan as soon as possible, we can visit Vah Ruta while there.”  Zelda nodded, a yawn overtaking her for a moment. “And then... I would like to travel to the Gerudo Desert, to see Vah Naboris, and Chieftain Riju.”  “That shouldn’t be a problem.” Link said, his own eyelids heavy, his muscles aching.  The champion shuffled backwards, until both he and Zelda were laying down comfortably on his bed. “We can go there first even, if you want.” “Mhhmmm.” Zelda murmured, shifting against his side. Link chuckled softly, tucking a pillow under his head and settling in. Out of his window a full moon was rising, a pale white moon.
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