#you can't fight evil within the system evil built

[embarressment-erradicated]

seeing the far right in the usa actively plan to end democracy completely and people saying vote blue to that is just sickening.

like no, this isn't a situation where that's an appropriate response. they aren't going to just stop all plans because they didn't have the one they claim as their god king president.

they are going to double down no matter what.

this is not a time for petty politics, this is not the time for elections, this is the time to actually get the revolution up and running, and kill a few people who if left alive will only make the world worse.

I am largely one who thinks pacifism is a neat concept, however, when it's murdering a few people or risking having everything this country stands for get defiled even further somehow, leading it to becoming a christo-fascist authoritarian regime, I'm going to pick the one which doesn't end with everyone I know and love being murdered on a cross or rotting in a jail cell.

this isn't a vote blue no matter who situation, this is a vanquish a cult from our masses and watch the crimson blood spill from the graves which we build a new society on, hoping to not fuck it up this time

I'm not saying that everyone who bought into the lies of maga should die, I am saying that the people who actively wish to make the world a worse place should not be tolerated.

some people won't fight when it comes to the choice to lay down their arms or die, most even. some people need to die, or atleast be dead in a way that matters however, such as the people rallying up the masses to upend democracy.

a cult can not last, a cult can not persist forever, and whether we let it die off naturally and bring many down with it, or make sure it ends before it can make things any worse will decide whether or not we live to see the end.

oh and one more thing, remember how every democratic president has squandered the years they've had, and how essentially nothing changes until the republicans are in office, and it gets drastically worse? yeah that's a whole thing.

maybe we should use almost any other system of governance other than that. but as it is, voting blue will only maybe postpone the horrific nonsense at play.

we don't need votes, we need to revolt, no one should take away a person's right to exist. no one should think they can get away with that. no one should get away with that.

war is a complicated term, however civil wars have happened before, and we can do it again.

but I'm not a strategist, I'm just someone who happens to be an anarchist, communist, and non-binary. and as such is at high risk of being effected in one way or another by what they do.

but like, I don't know what to do about this at this current second, again, I'm just someone who's staring at the happenings of this country, and seeing hell both on the other side, and around me.

oh and if you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, first do some research (if your interested, I mean I'm from the usa, I understand not knowing stuff from other places, that's like, the whole us education system), second wikipedia article go!

[branwinged]

"dragons plant no trees" gets thrown around a lot as fact, but i think the veracity of that claim is still up for debate in the books. because dany (like bran and jon and many others) is a narrative symbol of hope and rebirth within the series because of her connection to dragons and fire, not in spite of it. this is because dragons in asoiaf have a much more expansive narrative function than simply 'nuke metaphor'. the 'exclusively weapons of war' image they have acquired breaks down immediately if you recall that the first thing dany does with them is begin dismantling an unjust status quo. she rallies the unsullied at the gates of astapor with cries of dracarys! dracarys! freedom! <- dragons as a symbol of hope and freedom for the persecuted. and obviously they've been built up as an oppositional force against the others. we're told when the last dragon died summers became shorter. in that respect the dragons, or more specifically, fire which is warmth which is passion—very much embodies life against the numbing, deadening threat of eternal winter that the others represent. but fire also consumes, which simultaneously makes dragons agents of destruction, or as adwd shows: the monsters who eat little girls and leave behind their bones. but when dany found herself chained to a false peace which effectively undid her cause in meereen, it was the dragon that rescued her and reignited her fire to fight back—which is to say that dragons represent a wealth of contradictions within the text and this is likely something grrm means to parallel with the others to some extent, by questioning their apparent narrative role as the one true evil. because i doubt the series is gearing up towards a spectacle-esque battle wherein our heroes get to practice righteous, easy violence on a monolithic army of monsters. that feels like it would undo a lot of asoiaf's preoccupation with investigating violence against socially acceptable targets, even if said target is ice sidhe. and this binary between a one true good and a one true evil, i.e. melisandre's philosophy ("if half an onion is black with rot, it is a rotten onion. a man is good or he is evil.") is not something the story takes as given.

instead there's this exchange between bran, jojen, and meera in asos: "but you just said you hated them." / "why can't it be both?" / because they're different. like night and day, or ice and fire." / "if ice can burn. then love and hate can mate."—and i think it's talking about reconciling two conflicting ideas. because the dream of an eternal summer is just as unsustainable as the threat of eternal winter. i think the battle for dawn is more about questions of seasonal harmony. the first line from agot's summary says, "long ago, in a time forgotten, a preternatural event threw the seasons out of balance", so it's not totally out of question for the series to end with that seasonal balance restored once more. and that question of balance and how it can be achieved then works as a metaphor for a bunch of other things. because asoiaf at its core is very interested in exploring big contradictions, like love and duty? how do you keep all your oaths without betraying someone you love? how can one hope for a just, rightful ruler in a world where the systems in place can never allow such a thing? how do dragons plant trees?

you cannot frame dany's arc as a binary choice between planting trees or embracing (dragon)fire. because the fire is hers, it is a part of her, that's who she is. and her character has always existed outside of rigid dichotomies. at the end of agot she had two options, resign herself to a life of seclusion as a widow or die with the last of her family in that pyre, instead she performed a miracle. presently, i think grrm means to explore necessary, revolutionary violence with her arc because you cannot deal with institutional slavery by simply negotiating with slavers like she does in adwd. and the consequences thereof because she's also been set up to be more reckless with dragonfire in the future. but i think there will be an eventual reconciliation there, between her dreams "to plant trees and watch them grow." and her role as the mother of dragons, as a revolutionary figure. because if ice can burn, then maybe dragons can plant trees. they'll learn how to.

[ranticore]

As a HUGE heraldry enthusiast, I’m wondering is there any system for heraldry in the Mez setting?

Ooh good question!! I'll be real I know less about heraldry than I should, however I'd say the language used to describe a coat of arms is probably the same as irl, but the animals themselves have different significances, as many of them are 1. fantasy animals which have no irl reflections (hive serpents come to mind but also dragons themselves), or 2. associated with holy beasts to the point of being almost synonymous with them. by which i mean you can't depict a leopard without people going ah that's saint pantera (gets very awkward when pantera's reputation flips from good to evil)

So in general the Mezian theocracy is as stated completely ruled by this very weird branch of the catholic church, so symbolgy for a coat of arms tends to be extremely religious (common motifs are censers to symbolise purification, altars for obedience, crowns of thorns, blood pouring from stigmata wounds, stuff like that). Each sect within the church has its own coat of arms which usually visually references either their production capabilities in the fight to collect dragonsblood (i.e these guys make engines, those guys produce technical drawings, these guys make the barrels to put the blood in etc) or the holy beast they house and maintain at their stables if they're blessed enough to have one.

Alchemy is openly practised in the theocracy though it is subject to some degree of secrecy where the actual formulas are concerned so the alchemists (those with the Saturn job titles) depict their work euphemistically - usually with a green lion devouring the sun, representing the transmutation of gold using aqua regia. this design long pre-dates saint leun's operation.

You'll notice the holy beasts themselves have their own coats of arms on their reference sheets. leun's is self explanatory but pantera's is a field of argent with a hand holding a sword on one side and a blue checkerboard pattern on the other (im sure someone can translate that into the proper language). Meanwhile the coat of arms of the knight who operates pantera is this same design flanked on either side by leopards rampant. Design philosophies change over time and pantera is old enough to pre-date the absolute dominance of the church over holy beast operation, and pantera's coat of arms is the same as the town in which he was built (now destroyed). so it was kind of grandfathered in.

at the height of the empire, holy beasts were painted with the coats of arms of basically anybody who'd contributed to them in some way, like sponsorship logos, but that has fallen out of practice.

[azuremallone]

Azure's Corner

A history lesson about my species.

See, the thing about my species is that we're charged with an ancient honor from Lord Xenu. He uplifted our species from swamp dwelling gecko-crocodile-salamanders orbiting a dim blue dwarf into the Galaxy's, perhaps even the known Universe's, most powerful Alpha Apex Predators with the sole focus to preserve peace, justice, and the enforcement of law across the cosmos we survey wherever we go. Initially to fight the tyrannical and depraved Thetans who sought to dominate and consume the lifeforce of the unwilling to expand their numbers and consume the Universe's energy to live, my people now have expansive fleets that troll evildoers wherever they may be, and destroy them if necessary.

We're big on sarcasm and rapier wit being a valuable weapon against ideologies which surmount to subvert the needs of the many and the one. How do we know what's right versus what's wrong? It's easy: We don't take bullshit for an answer. Some of our actions might be construed as authoritarian, totalitarian even. We do tend to take over a star system that's out of control. We have to.

However, we return the system to law and order in a method of their own choosing. We might not like what they choose, but as long as it's collectively what they want and doesn't cause problems for anyone else, fuck it. It's their world.

On some rare occasions, we'll keep their star system. It's because they can't be trusted. This usually comes about from a decision that they continuously slip toward evil activities with malicious intent toward other species. Rarer still, we'll just destroy them, their planet, and even rarer yet, the entire star system. Yeah, we can and have done that.

One of those rare occasions was a very Nazi-esque species we encountered on one of the spinward marches. They had two star systems and had wiped out one species on a dual-species planet, and subjugated the sibling species as slaves. It's also rare to have a system with two species that cohabitate. With the loss of one, the other was forced to be subjugated to survive. We couldn't stand for that. So, under the Great Empress Tha`rr~hru'll Mmmmrrrr-thr'ahrl (My grandmother -- We had very long names back then), our fleet was ordered to restore order at all costs and prevent the spread of their vileness. It just so happened that we discovered Thetan influence involved with the aggressor species.

Well, they were rather powerful already as they were a spacefaring FTL capable culture built upon the backs and ashes of others. And they did put up a good fight, initially. So we decided not to land dropships to risk our soldiers and detonated a Starbomb. It's a lovely device, really. Huge as fuck, it creates a quantum entanglement effect between particles of what you call a Kerr-Newman black hole and a star's matter. A Kerr-Newman black hole is one which rotates and contains an electrical charge. The cascading effect is mass amplification through the entanglement of the charged particles and the quantum exchange of energy from the black hole into the star's matter. This slows the Kerr-Newman black hole and imparts a lot of energy that must be converted into mass by the same means as Einsteinian matter-energy conversion. I'll spare the technical details because y'all can't be trusted with an M80 without adult supervision and this is one gigantic M80.

From their warships and planet, they watched as their lightweight yellow sun (about 2x the solar mass of Sol) turn a shade of reddish-orange upon a shockwave of blue light that rippled across the surface. Mass increased by several thousand fold within just an hour. Our fleet amassed just outside the safety limit to prevent any of their ships from escaping the increasing gravity well until their star went pop.

The shockwave obliterated the inner sphere and violently so. Everything within the inner shell was annihilated and any survivors were destroyed with impunity. And then the fleet turned on the other system not far away, which had been witness by our broadcast to the annihilation. Needless to say that the aggressors surrendered. We accepted their surrender, and took all of them off world onto automated transport ships. Then we flew those ships into the dying embers of their own home star.

However, due to the damage done to the captured world, we took charge and it became one of our most distant outposts. To this day, the surviving species there has enjoyed many freedoms, and has become less dependent on others to survive. Now, they're very prosperous and many, but we remain in control since they're a very submissive species that couldn't manage themselves out of a cardboard box if their lives depended on it.

What does this all mean?

Do Not Fuck with Azure.

[where-theres-smoak-2]

There's something chosen that I've always found ridiculous about the Grisha Trilogy ending.

This detail saying that if the grisha children from Alina's orphanage wouldn't like to be at the Little Palace, they could come back and live at the orphanage...

And I was like : What ?! But that's stupid !

And how exactly will they learn to master their powers after they return ?

This is the open door for accidents !

Either that or they won't use their powers anymore and will be sickly like Alina was. (which makes me wonder how she could tolerate that...) Or even WORSE... Alina would be THE one teaching them ?!

Yeah this made no sense to me either. The same with getting rid of the coloured keftas. I do think it was more of an attempt to make irrelevant things the darkling's fault.

With the grisha don't need to go to the LP thing I do think that is a recipe for disaster, a grisha who can't control their powers is a dangerous thing. I get what LB was trying to do it's the whole grisha shouldn't be forced to serve in the military and service of the king, that the new regime is better than what the evil darkling had going on because now grisha have a choice. Unfortunately this contradicts the previous canon set up in the trilogy because the LP was just the place where grisha went to learn to control and develop their powers, plus hand to hand combat, it was a safe place for them built by Aleks. He wasn't the one forcing them into military service, that was the king, the same king who also forced the otkazat'sya into service in the first army as we learn when Ana Kuya tells alina to keep a pen in her hand or else someone will put a rifle in it. This is you know kind of what happens when countries are at war.

If it really is about allowing the grisha a choice then I think they should at least set up some system where an official goes around and checks that the grisha child has someone capable of adequately teaching them how to control their powers, if there is then they get some kind of pass that allows them to stay home, if not then they have to go to the LP at least until they have learnt enough control over their powers that they won't accidently harm someone or get the wasting sickness.

Then there's the whole kefta thing, again its this alina is better than the darkling because he segregated the grisha orders but alina is going to have them all united with no heirachy. Now I will agree that in the books there was a problem with heirachy within the ranks of the grisha with the Corporalki being at the top and the durasts at the bottom. Again it is painted like this is Aleks' fault, but actually Aleks is shown on several occasions to view all grisha as equal. Like when he praises david in ep 6 when he says he can track Alina through a ring given to her, Aleks says proving once again the many uses of a durast showing that he does recognise the worth of durasts. Also look at who his closets grisha are, its all those who feel out of place or don't quite fit in, David who struggles to socialise with others and is very awkward, Genya again someone who is often shunned, Ivan who doesn't seem to like anybody but fedyor and doesn't seem to be liked by anyone but fedyor. Fruzsi who was sold by her family, Vladim who was used by his village to their own advantage. For him it was important that all grisha knew there worth whether they fit in or not. This rivalry amongst the grisha ranks seemed to appear on its own. Also strategically the coloured keftas are helpful, when you are on a battlefield or in a fight you are going to want to be able to quickly locate whatever type of grisha you need. The coloured kefta aides in this. For example say an enemy throws a smoke bomb and you need a squaller to clear the smoke its going to be easier to look around for that blue kefta and go ok there is one so and so yards away its going to take them x number of minutes to reach us and then allow you to adapt your plan/strategy accordingly. If everyone is wearing the same colour kefta then that task becomes more difficult, you are going to spend more time trying to locate the squaller which gives your enemies more time to act.

[ijuswannacry]

Gear and Tech

The technology of the SBC was made with one thing in mind and I still love it. We took shit that exists and we changed it to create something more. It was all distinctly...cyberpunk. We didn't have biotech, that was a main goal of ours. Sickdog believed that by breaking the limits of technology we could elevate humanity to a new paradigm entirely, our goal was to give mankind connection without separation.

You use your phone every single day, you talk to friends and family on it, you buy stuff on it, you listen to music, watch videos, order groceries. What if I told you it was a wall between you and the world around you? It's a wall that's so essential that it's become a part of you but it allows anyone else to put whatever they want on it. It's a advertising billboard, a method of indirect attack. This thing is a necessary evil though, you can't simply just not use one because it's so essential for society now that you'd be disadvantaged.

Mobile devices aren't the devil, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying it's an incomplete technology and has many flaws that need to be ironed out. Our problem was that in the process of connecting everyone, we put ourselves into a glass box that misrepresents humanity and gives the wrong people the ability to show us what they want us to see. Our technology strove to be different. 

The first thing we did was separate communication and entertainment. We all still use phones, but we also created a homebrew platform using Google Glass hardware. We transformed it into a functional HUD with the ability to send and receive calls, it was the first iteration of our HUD and the result of years of work for me. This evolved over time to ironically being housed in AR sets we got from Amazon and they look like large sunglasses now but kept our creed intact.

Our second priority was privacy, everything today wants to know what you're doing at all times. Theres a fat cold war going on over whos getting your data and while we can't simply stop using everything, we can fight against our data being taken and sold to who knows. The project Sickdog was working on was called SickOS, an open source operating system that operates within all of our technology. This OS allowed us total privacy and a way to build a ecosystem for our technology. Groups across the SBC now either use SickOS or something built by their own people.

I wanted to post this more or less for posterity. I don't really think anyone will ever be into reading a bunch of dumb ranting from someone objectively bonkers but it makes me feel better and that's what matters.

[tempesttz]

yea i do agree that if ur hanging w people that are like inherently posting malicious hate of any kind that's fucked i mentioned it, i was mostly getting at like "there are exceptions to this that can't be ignored and one can go about that kind of thing in a healthy way" something something i'm sick as fuck rn mind my awful phrasing all the time ever.

i do agree that i do see the "many endos are just stupid babies" strawman pretty often and that i probably made a huge generalization, but most of the antis i see, have spoken to, and have otherwise less consensually interacted with describe endogenic systems as "people who claim to have a cdd without trauma." most of the time they don't recognize that a "system" isn't did-exclusive. i will say the "they're all children" argument is definitely a little stupid, but i disagree all of them are adults. almost every one i have ever met has been within the ages of 13-17. many have been 14. we might be in different groups, but they do exist. i will say there is a sense of maturity that you gain as you grow and that younger individuals are definitely more prone to making Dumb Decisions. one of my dumb decisions was spending three years in the anti endo community, hence my beliefs on it myself. i was mostly getting at the fact that due to the fact they are so young, they still have a lot of time to look back on that behavior and realize just how bad it was. they're growing and maturing and while hate shouldn't be excused at any age we should be giving them a little bit more leeway simply due to the fact they're still developing. hell, even i'm still developing. and yeah i catch myself in fallacies way too often T_T

and yea i will agree they have a lot of the same like, base ideology as homophobes in the way that they do with sysmeds. it's the same rhetoric copy-pasted p much. i do agree that they are a hate group and say some Fucked Up Shit, hell i mentioned it myself in my really long addendum about "petty schoolyard topics is one thing but these people send death threats and actively wish harm on people" etc etc yadda yadda. the difference is they're all bark and no bite, is what i'm getting at. nazis and homophobes kill people. a lot of people. harassment is fucked up yes very much so i am not saying it isn't, i am saying that they are incomparable due to the sheer difference in history and treatment. you can be homophobic without being directly violent about it but the thing is homophobia, racism, and other -isms have years of continuous violence and public outcast associated with those things. being told to commit sudoku pales in comparison to that. it's a lesser evils situation. my point is basically that we shouldn't boil down those things to "harassment on the internet" not because harassment isnt bad but because it devalues the history of harm that people have gone thru, the fighting that has happened for the mere petty rights that many marginalized communities still don't even have in a lot of places. people will be killed for being gay today. people will be killed for being "the wrong race" today. no one will be killed for being endogenic.

n yea on the last paragraph i agree that performative activism shit sucks. i was mostly again getting at the fact that if it's in good faith and they genuinely just want to engage with both sides for the sake of like. good faith reasons those people are doing some form of a good thing when they arent directly excusing all the hate n shit. shutting the doors on all antis and letting them all stew in little hate corners is one of the reasons that the misinfo and the hate is so bad. i dont think a lot of them recognize the fact real people are behind the screens anymore and that's fucking concerning yk? but yea again i agree people who just do it because they cant be bothered to have two seconds of backbone and/or are literally reskinned antis are still definitely a problem.

their community is built on misinformation and hate, just like any other hate group but that doesn't mean we can ignore the fact that many other groups have a very distinct history of violence, mistreatment, ostracization, and genuine and frequent hatecrimes against them and to compare the two is a little reductive imo.

i hope you get good sleep :] !! i also need to pass out soon tbh i do not feel well lmao

"im pro-endo but i dont mind anti-endos interacting" would you allow a homophobe to interact with you? a transphobe? a racist? an ableist? a nazi? why is it suddenly different and "not as bad" when the discrimination, harassment, and death threats dont affect you specifically? why is it suddenly a "nuanced situation" when you arent the victim? are you really "pro-endo" if you refuse to even do the bare minimum to stand up for them instead of being best friends with people who want them to not exist?

[considermygenderminecrafted]

ok- while there is smth to be said abt wilbur making a burger van, i just find it hilarious that all these rlly clever ppl think that capitalism is the best way to get rich and powerful...

even if the server has no economy

theres also smth to be said abt how the most basic form of capitalism (aka not late stage capitalism) is not inherently good or evil, esp in a minecraft server, but i digress

/rp

Dude capitalism in Minecraft is summit I have been thinking about since hermitcraft season 7 started, it's Fascinating.

Cause like, TBF to the smart people, Capitalism (when it's set up proper) is Really good at creating compliance because like it's a very all encompassing system, it affects material reality (like in jobs n shit, you have to have a way of getting money to be able to participate in being alive) and also culture (like how iPhone is a symbol of status even tho it's shit and we all know it's planned obsolescence, we Keep Buying them because they're like a staple of how we view our own wealth and they're supposed to be good-).

So you have a system that fucks people over all the while people """voluntarily"" uphold it.

So, if Wilbur can actually set capitalism up its Really smart of him to do that! Cause it's a system that pretends to value individual's choice and choice of the consumer (how he sold it to ranboo) but in reality only a Very Few Number of people actually get the benefits!!

You don't have to be good at fighting or have a coup or set up an autocracy. It's all in the culture. It's not dissimilar to how Wilbur wanted to set up a one-party election with him as the de-facto winner because it gives people the illusion that they have consented to the heirachy. So like of they can pull it off capitalism is a great and sturdy system of control.

HOWEVER

I've never seen capitalism set up truly on a Minecraft server.

Because capitalism isn't just like, the existence of an economy, it's that like specific thing where someone else owns the equipment that you use to make things for them, and you sell your time and effort, and the person who owns the equipment gets all the profit.

And like, how the FUCK you gonna stop someone else mining and making the equipment and just selling the product they make directly in Minecraft??? You can't control the means of the production in minecraft? Everyone can just- make their own things if they want to.

So it's kinda hard to do...

I think the thing where he's gonna make labelled steaks that people wanna collect and buy, and make them so they can't be copied or faked, is like, definitely a decent shot at doing it. Cause if he can get that going it Really is a monopoly. Only he has the means to make them but he can have other people collecting the materials to do so. Like his products have built in iPhone vibes, you wanna collect them and show you have the latest ones even if it's just food. Automatic commodity fetishisation past their utility as food.

But yeah your right there are definitely other systems of control that could be used.

There's a book which I bought but I'm sure can be found.. elsewhere, called Modernism and Totalitarianism (Richard Shorten), which goes into depth about like how different forms of authoritarianism come to be, and how they differ from one another. The most interesting chapter is PART 2, part 1 just disproves other theories. There also this book called "Why America Fights (Susan A. Brewer)" which talks about the role of war propaganda within the establishing of patriotism and nationalism used for justifying power imbalances.

L'Manburg never really stuck with it's capitalism, which is in part probably why Wilbur wanted the election because it would have done a similar thing in manufacturing consent, but it kinda fell through cause of competition. BUT if you can weaponize competition to uphold the system?? Now you're talking.

For Wilbur and Q, who are both primarily good at manipulation rather than fighting, capitalism is a great option as a system of control.... If they can set it up

This is also why I kinda disagree that early stage capitalism is mostly harmless cause like the nature of capitalism is like, someone else makes money for nothing based on my work. It always fucks me over especially when money is required for... Living. Sorta inherently exploits people

[notafraidofredyellowandblue]

Richard Kruspe interview 'Welt' 2009

By Laura Ewert.

Some of the usual stuff (Richard's difficulty with dealing with the Rammstein democracy, this-record-is-the-last, being happy vs being meaningful, the 'old marriage' comparison) but i liked the part about the orginal lyrics of Pussy being too 'platt' which translates to 'flat' or 'uninspired' and they changed it to insert a bit of humor into it, because even though it must exhausting for the band themselves, i think the qualitycontrol within Rammstein is a good thing really.

(also, i think Richard got a bit annoyed with the interviewer, which i can understand.. 😇)

English translation:

"Rammstein are too smart to be right-wing"

They are Germany's most successful rock group. On the new album "Liebe ist für alle da", Rammstein, as usual, played the bugbear. WELT ONLINE spoke to their guitarist Richard Kruspe about porn, national symbols and the imminent end of the band.

Black hair, heavy rings, black-rimmed eyes - Richard Kruspe looks exactly as one had always imagined a Rammstein member to look. The 42-year-old sits at a large table in a room of the Universal record company in Berlin, smokes and smiles friendly. The discussion again can start: Are Rammstein dangerous provocateurs or ingenious creators of their total work of art?

WELT ONLINE: Mr. Kruspe, the current Rammstein single "Pussy" entered the German charts at number one. Despite a video that cannot be shown uncensored on television.

Richard Kruspe: Any other band would have said: We can't make a porn, it'll never be shown on music television. I heard that over two million people saw it in two weeks like this. So there are other ways too, you don't always have to bend. "Pussy" is very independent compared to the other songs on the album. Our singer Till initially only wrote the text in English and I thought it was borderline at first.

WELT ONLINE: In terms of content?

Kruspe: Yes, in terms of content. It was just too much. There is a certain kind of humor that I find good, but there are limits. Then at the request of the band Till wrote the German verses. In that way the text got a humorous touch that I can live with. It's not exactly what I define as Rammstein, but Rammstein simply is a mix of six different people.

WELT ONLINE: Who actually had the idea for the porn video?

Kruspe: We asked the director Jonas Åkerlund. He listened to the song and after three hours wrote an email back: "Let's start a revolution, let's do a porn". All you could see on the faces of the band members was a big grin.

WELT ONLINE: But you have had yourself doubled?

Kruspe: Well, that's the big question. It doesn't matter. It was a nice challenge. I always thought the porn business was dirty and cold, but it's not at all. All the people there were extremely friendly and very accommodating.

WELT ONLINE: The text is not particularly friendly and accommodating.

Kruspe: I cannot and will not say anything about the text. I am not the text writer.

WELT ONLINE: But you said earlier that the first text version of "Pussy" was a bit too much for you.

Kruspe: No, it wasn't too much for me. It was just too uninspired for me. The German verses gave it a certain sense of humor that I can support.

WELT ONLINE: It is said that this text should be understood as a criticism of German sex tourists.

Kruspe: If you see it that way.

WELT ONLINE: I don't see it that way. But can you tell me what your understanding of the text is?

Kruspe: For me it's a party song, nothing more and nothing less.

WELT ONLINE: The line "Put bratwurst in your sauerkraut" is excellent to roar along to when drunk.

Kruspe: I think that's extremely funny.

WELT ONLINE: What about those who don't understand this humor? Drunken hordes of men on the way to the "Blitzkrieg with the meat gun"?

Kruspe: There is aggression in every society. They are acted out differently. My children, who are 17 and 18, don't do that. The only thing I can do is make sure things are different in my small circle. But when you start thinking about these things as an artist, you start limiting yourself. But I have a problem with censoring myself. I grew up in a system where I was constantly censored.

WELT ONLINE: Doesn't the question of responsibility arise?

Kruspe: I'm not someone who goes out with a raised finger and says: That's how you have to do it. We never did that.

WELT ONLINE: But don't you also say that you want to criticize something by exaggerating social situations?

Kruspe: Yes, you could say that. But that still doesn't mean that we tell people how to live. Everyone is responsible for their own life. Everyone has to have their own experiences in order to learn from them. We are not the Messiah.

WELT ONLINE: So is your music just acting out your own personalities?

Kruspe: When making music, of course, a dynamic of its own develops that you have to live with. These are things that cannot be influenced.

WELT ONLINE: The cover of your album is reminiscent of paintings by Rembrandt.

Kruspe: Hieronymus Bosch is a better comparison. The cover was created in collaboration with a Spanish artist who just tried things. Journalists are always entitled to question the meaning. But good things happen out of a certain naivety.

WELT ONLINE: What is that metal toothed monster up there on the cover on the right?

Kruspe: It should be some kind of alien. I already forgot. It was pretty good what the artist had thought out. Some kind of alien that eats up all consumption. Very philosophical what he has built there.

WELT ONLINE: And the naked woman lying on the table has her hands chopped off, right?

Kruspe: Yes, but that shouldn't be taken literally, in the sense that a woman is being massacred.

WELT ONLINE: It looks like an offering.

Kruspe: I see more the abysses of this world in the picture.

WELT ONLINE: Next to the woman on the table are two men closing their pants. Are you one of them?

Kruspe: No, I am not.

WELT ONLINE: It's a rape scene really, isn't it?

Kruspe: If you want to see it that way. I always find art interesting when it leaves things open.

WELT ONLINE: Let's come back to ...

Kruspe: ... to the difficult questions? Don't you have something else to talk about? Something nice? About life?

WELT ONLINE: I still have one question about the record.

Kruspe: Okay, one more.

WELT ONLINE: You are clearly using national symbols. Be it the German flag, the desk reminiscent of pictures of Hitler's speeches ...

Kruspe: Yes, but in a very humorous way. "I can't get laid in Germany" is very funny.

WELT ONLINE: Well I don't think you're right-wing.

Kruspe: No, we're too smart for that (laughs).

WELT ONLINE: Why does sex always have to do with fighting and war in your songs?

Kruspe: For me, sex always has to do with passion. I am a romantic. On the other hand, I like it dramatic. We'd have to go back a long way to my childhood to see what might have gone wrong. I believe that musicians more or less unconsciously always bring things across in a dramatic and painful way. At least that is how it has to be for Rammstein.

WELT ONLINE: Are you a believer?

Kruspe: Religious? No. I believe in justice.

WELT ONLINE: A justice that arises out of the human being, or one that is imposed from outside?

Kruspe: I think there is an idea. Some say this is God. Before things are done or before they arise, there was always an idea from which there is also a sense of justice. Do you understand? I believe that it is important in life to be punished for certain things. I believe in the fate principle and the karma principle.

WELT ONLINE: But if there is this punishment, won't Rammstein face a hefty punishment?

Kruspe: We only speak out what is reality or what is part of society. The Church used to say what is good and what is bad. That's bullshit. Just because someone has a sexual orientation that the Church classifies as evil doesn't mean it is wrong. On the contrary.

WELT ONLINE: Does "love is there for everyone" also mean that any form of sexual love, including that which is socially ostracized, is a part of humanity?

Kruspe: "Love is there for everyone" is a very Christian thought. Of course you have to ask yourself, is love really there for everyone? I would wish it to be that way. Can we forgive those who misunderstood love? I often think about it and fail and get a little further and go back again. Especially when you turn 40. A lot happens there. Especially with men.

WELT ONLINE: Yes? What?

Kruspe: For me there are two options in life. Be happy or be meaningful. And as a musician you naturally try to lead a meaningful life. The big problem with me is that my longing for happiness is great, but the strength I need to be creative comes from suffering. Even if you do not suffer, you try to bring it into your life somehow in order to be able to create again. A cycle. If I were happy I'd know I would never write again. I tried to find happiness outside of myself. And now at 40 there comes the point where you try to find something inside me that makes you happy.

WELT ONLINE: Can't you catch the creative moments by now?

Kruspe: I used to try drugs. I used cocaine a lot. You reach dimensions that you would otherwise never be able to reach. You can edit a kick drum for eight hours. This creative power comes to me in different moments. It's buzzing in the air and the only thing you can do is be open. And then the moment is gone again. As if a cloud is passing by and you reach for it and then wait for the next cloud.

WELT ONLINE: One hears that the current record could be the last of the band. Is Rammstein going to dissolve?

Kruspe: At the moment I couldn't imagine going back to the studio with the experiences of the last record. But I could imagine touring further. In a band you're trapped in an image. It's like a soap opera that never ends. You have your character and you play it. And then this Rammstein democracy. We have discussions every day. Everything is talked about and talked about. And voted. In a band you don't have that kind of sexual discharge that you would have in a relationship. It's like a long marriage with us. You just don't like to sleep together that much anymore.

[alghawy7blog]

GM Diet Guide||How Lose Weight ||Best Diet To Lose Weight

Welcome to the 21st century, where modern man has perfected the art of "Fast Food". It may not be completely true, but thanks to the era of the "Global Village", there is hardly any cuisine left in the work, which has not been the victim of this trend. It certainly is the need of the hour in the fast paced world, where so many people no longer have the time or patience to cook healthy food at home. It is ironic how the very population on whose shoulders the world economies are being built, are on the unhealthiest diets in the world.

Thanks to these realities, a considerable portion of this population is suffering from diseases like high cholesterol, diabetes, high blood pressure etc. These are nothing but the direct results of these unhealthy food habits and lazy lifestyles. The youthful population is willing to work itself to death in today's day and age of competition, not realizing that they can do more with a healthy body. High Cholesterol is just the beginning. It can lead to severe heart-related ailments resulting in a shorter lifespan.

It is about time, that people should pay attention to this horror and address it by changing their lifestyle. In order to combat these modern evils, there are two major steps that should be taken. Firstly, change your diet. If you are what you eat, then you should only eat the good stuff. As a youngster, you should look to be ripped and always be ready for swimsuit season. To achieve this goal, you need to plan a step by step plan to measure your progress. Try to eat more raw foods like fruits and salads. You may even want to consider looking into the GM diet. You can try out this week-long plan once every month. It is excellent for detoxifying your body helps to lose up to 5-7 kilograms or 12-14 pounds in a week. Keeping weight in check is a great to fight high cholesterol.

Secondly, start dragging your rear end to the gym. It is unacceptable that a girl or a guy in their twenty's or thirty's being out of shape. There is no simply no excuse. Exercising should be part of your daily routine. Regular exercise boosts your metabolism and overall wellness. High Cholesterol levels are no match for a healthy lifestyle. Carve out at least an hour of light workout every day, and rest on Sunday.

Remember, the future of the human race depends on the youth of the world. So always keep this in mind, that when you do make it big, you better look like a million bucks as well.

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You may love it or you may hate it, but I am very sure, if you are seeking for weight-loss methods, you can never ignore it. General Motors Diet or popularly known GM Diet, ranks highest in the most-sought diet charts. Surprisingly, I have yet not found any information about GM Diet on any of the official sites of General Motors (update me if I have missed any).

Various sites, blogs and forums have discussed about GM diet, but in a scattered manner. My primary intention behind this post is to represent various facets of this diet plan and to give a comprehensive overview, based on the experiences of my own as well as of my friends.

BACKGROUND:

This diet plan was introduced at a general meeting of General Motors Corp. on 15th August 1985, initially intended for the use of the employees of General Motors company, to facilitate wellness and fitness. It was granted by the United States Agricultural Department and the FDA, further tested by the Johns Hopkins Research Centre.

It was designed as a 'De-toxification diet program', to improve ones metabolism through its cleansing systemic effects, reflected by an improved disposition and a feeling of well being. As an end-result, a weight loss of 4-6 kgs was expected within the program-week.

THE PLAN:

Here is the day-wise diet plan and its dietary significance. I have added few things from my experience and experiments, which worked.

Day 1:

Fruits of any kind (except bananas) in any quantity. The most preferred fruits are the melons and cantaloupes, due to their high water content. In addition, you should drink at least 10 glasses of water.

By eating fruits, you are preparing your system for the upcoming program. Fresh fruits are nature's perfect food, providing all essential elements needed to sustain life. Fruits are also a good source of antioxidants and are fiber-rich. Fruits are also considered as a negative-calorie food, thus burning more calories for its digestion than those provided.

Believe me, I have done GM diet twice and have found this day the most difficult one. Firstly because of the sweetish taste of all fruits, and further due to an intense craving for bread or spices, that one develops towards the end of the day. The solution for this is the Soup to break the monotony of the fruity taste.

Day 2:

The day can start with a large baked potato with one pat of butter for breakfast. It definitely fills you with complex carbohydrates to start your day after the first sweety-fruity day.

For the rest of the day, you should eat all sorts of vegetables of your choice, raw or cooked. Vegetables have very less calories, high in nutrients and fiber. There is no limit on the amount. This should be added with drinking at least 10 glasses of water.

One can also mash a baked potato, add some onion & curd, and spice it up with chaat masala & red chilli powder and pinch of salt.

Day 3:

This day consists of a combination of fruits and vegetables of your choice, except banana & potato. In addition, you should drink at least 10 glasses of water. Potato is avoided on this day since the carbohydrates are available from the fruits that you eat.

One can do varieties of salads mixed with fruit slices. If you take more cucumber and melons, it's more likely to lose weight than any other vegetables or fruits. Adding a curd to vegetable salad, in a 'raita' form will make it more palatable towards the evening, when it gets monotonous.

Day 4:

A day when you can eat nothing but eight bananas coupled with three glasses of milk. It is not mandatory to eat 8 bananas; you can have less as well. In fact, you might feel satisfied within 4-5 bananas within the whole day. This is the day when you can clearly feel your food-craving diminishing significantly. It feels divine, to get over your 'desires'. Do not forget to drink at least 10 glasses of water, as always.

Bananas will act as a provider of carbohydrates that is easy to digest, coupled with sodium and potassium reserve.

Day 5:

This is considered as a 'Feast day', where you should eat up to two portions of lean beef (10 oz.) combined with six whole tomatoes - as a source of fiber. On this day, you should increase your daily water intake to at least 14 glasses. This is to cleanse your system of the uric acid getting produced. You will experience colorless urine on this day.

Beef is a source of proteins & iron, and thus an alternative can be paneer (tofu - soya paneer for better results) coupled with mushrooms for the vegetarians. Many people have recommended rice as a replacement to beef, but if one considers the nutritive contents, rice can not be the right surrogate.

Day 6:

Another day with beef and vegetables. Today you can eat any amount of beef combined with cooked or raw vegetables. Keep your daily water intake to 14 glasses. You can add the Soup to add some spice to your day.

Iron and proteins from the beef or paneer-mushroom combination, while fiber and nutrients from the vegetables. Till this time, you must have experienced an energetic feeling and an awareness of the power of natural food items.

Day 7:

The food intake on this day should consist of a bowl of brown rice with fruit juices and any vegetables you want to eat. Drink 14 glasses of water.

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The juices will break the fast (?) providing the essential nutrients along with the vegetable stuffing. The brown rice provides the carbohydrates.

Now you must be at least 4 kgs lighter than day one, yet more energetic and free from the cravings for high-calorie stuff.

The Soup:

The following soup is a modified version of the GM Wonder Soup since it is not possible to get the Lipton Onion soup mix everywhere, as suggested in GM Soup. The modified soup goes parallel to the 'rassam' or 'saaram', served in south India. This soup is allowed to be consumed in large quantities throughout the program. It is intended as a supplement to your diet.

Boil few large-cut onions, tomatoes, cabbage, and celery in water. Add the sambhar masala for the taste. You may also add tomato-puree (but with the skin) instead of tomatoes to make it thicker. One can season it with herbs and flavorings. You may also add: asparagus, peas, corn, cauliflower, green beans or finely chopped mushroom.

General instructions for all days:

You may squeeze a lemon to flavor the water that you drink every day.

No alcohol of any kind since it adds empty calories.

Salt should be used as less as possible.

Use artificial sweetener, in case you can't stay away from the sweet taste.

No fruit juices till day seven.

Black coffee or tea is allowed.

You may repeat the schedule, if you want further weight loss, but it is suggested that you should take a gap of at least two weeks in between two schedules.

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Now the most important part: the doubts, accusations and myths.

"It works just by losing the water content of the body and not actually a fat loss."

a.    Firstly, there is no mention of restricting the water intake on any day. How can one lose only water if we are consuming at least 10-14 glasses of water every day, added with the unlimited quantity of soup and the water contained in the melons, fruits and vegetables?

b.    It basically acts on the principle of 'negative calorie foods' where you are consuming certain foods that demand more calories to burn themselves than what they provide themselves. High-fiber food stuffs you but doesn't provide the required calories, instead demands more calories to burn themselves, which is derived from the stored energy-deposits.

"Skin gets dry and you may lose your hair during and after the GM diet."

a.    At least I have not met anyone in my acquaintance complaining of this, but found this on few blog-posts. The reason can be insufficient amount of water intake and not supplying enough protein sources on specific days.

"It is a temporary loss and you regain all lost weight in couple of weeks."

a.    Obviously, if you resume your high-calorie food once again. It is not difficult to lose weight, but to maintain it. Malvika, my wife who is a dietician, always recommends a maintenance diet program after the GM diet schedule as follows:

i.    Only liquids in the form of soups, buttermilk or fruit juices for dinner on three consecutive days in a week. This should be followed endlessly, until you want your weight to bounce back.

ii.    Drink plenty of water as if you are on GM diet.

iii.    Exercise regularly.

"It's just a Crash-diet and a Fad, nothing else!!"

a.    First of all, it is not promoted as a weight-loss diet, but a Detox diet that cleanses your system from within. Weight loss is just a by-product of it.

b.    Even if one looks at it as a 'crash-diet', it surely will not harm you, but will 'move' your weight in the least period, thus motivating many who tend to leave their regular diet and exercise regimens within first month, for not getting desired results. Once you can 'see' your weight dropping, it boosts your will to try further.

c.    As said above, it is futile unless you back it up with a maintenance program. You can not be on GM diet for lifetime, nor you can or should do it every month. Instead use is as an initial-motivator and switch to a liquid-dinner course later.

MY OWN EXPERIENCE:

I myself have done GM diet twice. The first time I was very sincere in following it. Thanks to my wife and my mother, who made all arrangements for the foods on each day. I lost 4 kgs towards the fifth day. I could not lose any further on the last two days and I presume that to the rice I ate, as a substitute to the beef. The lost weight remained there for a month, in spite of not maintaining it actively. I could have lost at least half a kilo more, if I would have stayed away from the rice, which in any case I do not like to eat.

The next time I started it, but had to leave it in between due to some unavoidable circumstances. But had seen significant change in my weight and the energy level for the four days that I followed it.

The most significant gain has been with my lipids coming down to normal. I have had really bad lipid levels for two years and after following GM diet twice, being on statins and taking self-prescribed homeopathic medicines for the same, the latest levels of lipids were perfectly within normal limits. The credit goes to the high-fiber rich GM diet as well.

THE CONCLUSION:

If followed sincerely, GM diet has a definite positive effect of its own on our metabolism. I agree that it is not an end in itself, and one needs to maintain the metabolism by appropriate food habits and exercise regimen. GM diet can not be a 'quick & easy' substitute to 'efforts', but surely can be a booster for those who have never seen their weight going downhill, providing a 'kick-start'.

As Malvika says, 'one should take a diet that s/he can follow for the lifetime...' and that's true! You can never have GM diet for everyday, since there are so many delicacies around to enjoy, but for that we need to have a balanced metabolism, so that we can give them their due justice.

Realistically, about half the population will admit that they are unhappy with their physique. However, losing weight is not as difficult as many would believe. All it takes is willingness to commit and a little bit of effort on your behalf. Okay, honestly, it takes a great deal of effort and dedication, but it is definitely worth it in the end.

We have a special new diet plan to help you lose weight and slim down in just 7 days! This diet plan is the top vegetarian diet to lose weight safely and effectively!

GM Vegetarian Diet 

This vegetarian version of the GM Diet Plan consists of vegetables, legumes, fruits and limited starches. In order to prep your body for this diet, you should eliminate alcohol during the diet, as well as few days prior to starting the plan. This is important as alcohol retains water as it increase the uric acid level, which then prevents the body from detoxifying naturally.

Another key factor of The GM Vegetarian Diet is to drink up to eight to 10 glasses of water per day. As you will be greatly cutting back on the number of carbohydrates you would normally consume, water will act as your main source of energy during this time. Not only will it speed up your metabolism, but it will help naturally remove those extra, unwanted pounds.

For those who have tried this plan previously, or who plan to continue beyond the initial seven day period, it is recommended that you give your body a break for two to three days prior to resuming the diet. This will give your body time to adjust to the new level of nutritional consumption and help reduce any stress on your system as well.

Day 1:

Warning: the first day is always the hardest so try to resist any temptations! Today you will be partaking of fruits only. With the exception of bananas, litchi, mango and grapes; you can eat any fruits in any quantity you wish. However, the most beneficial fruits include melons, strawberries, lime, pomegranate, apples and oranges. You can have up to 20 servings of fruit only today.

Day 2:

Instead of all fruits, today you are only able to consume solely vegetables. However, you can eat as much as you want. Boiled, steamed, roasted, and raw... anything but fried or battered! You should begin your second day with a baked or boiled potato with a just a teaspoon of butter. This will provide your body with the proper amount of carbohydrates and energy required for the day. However, after this, you can only consume veggies.

Limit yourself to only one potato today. If you want to add some zest to your meals, simply add a pinch of basil or oregano. Day 2 is basically a calorie-free day, however, it is chock full of essential vitamins, nutrients and plenty of fiber! If you can survive Day 2, you definitely have what it takes to stick to this diet!

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"Disclaimer" : When someone clicks on the link in the article and buys the product, I will get a little commission. I like the explanation

[slingsendarrows]

My First Drake Album

Nicholas Rodney Drake was born June 19, 1948, and died 26 years later after ingesting approximately 30 amitriptyline pills. It was ruled a suicide. Nick Drake was an English singer-songwriter whose acoustic guitar songs navigated the tumultuous and oft-misunderstood travails of living with depression. His music was not popular while he lived but has since garnered worldwide recognition and critical acclaim in the years since. 

I discovered Nick Drake and his music after a traumatic experience. Those around me, charged with my care, my built-in support system (or so I thought), did not see it that way, so I was forced to seek other ways to trek along this new, unfamiliar, and terrifying path. 

Music allows me to understand complicated things, and in turn, I recognize myself. It has been that way for as long as I can remember. It was the same the instant I discovered Nick Drake, Cat Power, and the Elliot Smith types of the world, delving into and exploring the deep well of my sorrow. There is something incredibly self-indulgent about pain and suffering. It is fundamentally personal, subjective, and selfish, but surrounded by an entitled sense of affecting a world larger than ourselves; it embodies all our pain, even if that particular experience is uniquely our own. And so it is with Nick. He gave my experience words I could not articulate to myself, let alone others.

I was recently having coffee with a friend and at one point explained how living with depression has required I disengage with some people in my life. His first question, "What are you depressed about?" I hate this question. I hate it because it requires a definite answer as if I can carefully and comprehensively explain what it means to live with depression in a few short sentences encompassing the reality of it, all while holding my breath hoping what I say is clearly understood. I hate it because it is all too common. I know why it is common--because depression is difficult to explain; it is personal and universal. Personal because it happens to the individual; universal in that it happens to many individuals, more than 300 million of us according to the World Health Organization. So, is it naive to desire a succinct, identifiable, and generalizable reason? Maybe not. But I don't have one.

All I can do is borrow the words of a poet whose art helps me understand my depression, at least in part. 

Nick Drake was signed to a record deal at 20 and released three albums, Five Leaves Left (1969), Byter Layter and Pink Moon (1972), and the posthumous box-set Fruit Tree (1979).  While living, Nick did not promote his music and was reluctant to give interviews. Neither of his albums sold more than 5,000 copies upon initial release, and all we have of the artist are his music and still photographs. These sparse facts make me both sad and content. Part of me feels he never wanted to give us more than his music, and for me, it's enough. It has to be enough. It is more than enough. 

So much can be said about the artist and his art. Five Leaves Later is a deeply personal and raw poetic exercise of a man wrestling with his creation and what it means to hold oneself sacred when the world requires you expose more than you're willing for global recognition of said art. 

Beginning with "Time Has Told Me," he laments, Time has told me/ You're a rare, rare find/ A troubled cure/ For a troubled mind/ And time has told me/ Not to ask for more/ Someday our ocean will find its shore. Drake is deeply self-aware of the struggles within his mind. He succumbs to the reality that while his troubled mind is a gift, it is a "troubled cure." It allows him to see clearly with no indication as to how it can be any different. Depression feels much the same. In the darkest moments, you achieve hopeless clarity. You know what is happening to you. You're viscerally aware of how your mind is attacking the rest of your being and understand the physiological effects manifesting, but you don't stop it, you can't, your mind won't let you. A "troubled cure" indeed! 

Without a definitive answer to proffer, Drake merely suggests we learn to cope in this new reality instead: So leave the ways that are making you be/ What you don't want to be/ Leave the ways that are making you love/ What you really don't want to love. It is unfair to ask more of yourself than that, especially in the midst of a depressive episode (a singular beast unto itself). Talking it out with someone helps, but therapy is a privilege not all of us can afford. The best you can do is decipher how depression ails you in real tangible ways and work towards subverting actions that turn the picnic into a never-ending feast of abundance. 

My depression revels and thrives in isolation and despair. I have lived with it long enough to identify the stages of my Dementor infestation. First I had to give it an identity that is not me. I had to separate Nyasha from what J.K. Rowling describes as "the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places. They glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope and happiness out of the air around them[...]Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself--soul-less and evil. You'll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life."

My descent begins with isolation. I cut myself off from everyone and anything capable of giving me hope. My perfectionist-in-recovery leanings make it challenging to let people close to me know I am struggling so I deflect, I lie, or just disappear. I genuflect to my tormentors, and with that surrender, they infiltrate with the intensity of quelling a resistance that simply doesn't exist. They are here for everything; they will take everything, whether you give in willingly or put up a fight. Before naming my tormentor, throwing in the towel was just part of the deal. Why bother, right Eeyore? 

Next comes, avoidance. I call in sick to work more often than I should and with no strength to do anything about it, I let things fall apart. My apartment looks like a hoarders fantasy, dishes stacked in the sink become science experiments and I grow comfortable with the increasingly pungent reek of my body odour. I take Netflix bingeing to Olympic levels. I eat and eat and eat, to suppress the pain of my trauma, burying myself in pizza boxes, cinnamon rolls, potato chips and pot until all I can feel is my bloated and overly extended stomach. I berate myself for not having self-control, smoke more weed to induce indifference, wake up in regret, promise to do better, rinse and repeat. 

Over time I realized this was a roommate I would have to drag along to all the parties in spite of her feelings. So I made a plan to help me "leave the ways that are making me be who I really don't want to be": a miserable, fat, unhappy, sad person trying and failing to reverse-engineer their past. I cut certain people out of my life, read several self-help and psychology books (with care), started treating my body as if I gave a shit, even when I didn't, stopped chain-smoking pot, and most importantly, discovered CrossFit and the power of endorphins. CrossFit saved my life. At first, it was to quell the hunger to be loved and accepted by a man who did not see past my fatness, but now it is to survive and live to fight another day, hoping "someday our ocean will find its shore." Expecto Patronum!!

Two songs from Five Leaves Later have been constant companions on this journey, "Saturday Sun" and "Fruit Tree.” The oddity of living with my Dementor is how surprised we both are when confronted with a genuinely beautiful day. I mean a gorgeous, sun's bright, trees rustling to the soft breeze, blue skies kind of day. Depending on how long we've been companioning in our misery, we are more likely to close the curtains even harder and shut out the realness of life outside our wretchedness. How dare it shine so unabashedly and affront us with its glory? Doesn't our pain matter? Of course not, you self-indulgent sad person. It's the sun. It rises and sets. Sometimes the days are cloudy, bitter cold with rain and snow, but the sun still rises, as it as done since the dawn of time. It doesn't consider my individual circumstances. For it will be what the sun has always been: burning and shining, bright and perpetual. 

That is the sentiment of "Saturday Sun." Suddenly you're not feeling so bad. There is momentary reprieve; momentary because you've learned it is only a matter of time. You're confused when the Saturday sun [comes] early one morning/ In a sky so clear and blue/ Saturday sun came without warning/ So no-one knew what to do.  After living in the depths of despair for so long, you forget what it feels like to feel good. You are anxious when suddenly your ever-present roommate takes a day, or week, or a month off. She didn't leave a note, but you know she'll be back. Maybe it's when the meds finally kick in and/or your lifestyle changes are starting to take effect, and you can cope with some semblance of normalcy. 

In the light of day you remember the things you have neglected: the two Chopin concerts you paid for but didn't attend although you were dying to see Lang Lang, the numerous friend engagements you bailed on at the last minute, the phone calls that went unanswered, the dreams and goals deferred, and the countless failures to rally yourself. This sun has brought people and faces/ That didn't seem much in their day/ But when I remember those people and places/ They were really too good in their way/ In their way/ In their way/ Saturday won't come to see me today. You despair at all the time lost and wonder if you are meant to feel bad always, even on the seemingly good days when the rays of clarity reach your soul to remind you things are not all bad. 

I often gaze at reality through a veneer of misery. Realizing how things weren't as bad as I thought makes me feel sorry for having considered them that bad, to begin with. Am I making up my depression? Am I decadent in my despair? Is this just an act? What is wrong with me? That is the consuming aspect of depression. Reprieve is more work. Trying to hold on to it, knowing its a losing battle, and wondering if your defeatist attitude is the reason it is a losing battle. Maybe you're not trying hard enough. You think about stories with reason and rhyme/ Circling through your brain/ And think about people in their season and time/ Returning again and again/ And again/ And again/ but Saturday sun has turned to Sunday's rain. It is fucking relentless. 

"Fruit Tree" reads like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is an artist's individual understanding of fame and legacy. It is incredibly forward-thinking because Nick Drake died, I believe, understanding the value of his art yet somewhat resigned to the world not catching on until long after he was gone. Fame is but a fruit tree/ So very unsound/ It can never flourish/ 'Till its stock is in the ground/ So men of fame/ Can never find a way/ 'Til time has flown far from their dying day/ Forgotten while you're here/ Remembered for a while/ A much-updated ruin/ From a much-outdated style. Whether we yearn for conventional fame or to simply make our mark upon this world, legacy is a unique desire of the mortal. It is our final stand against death and lets the world know we were here, we mattered, we connected. I once read that immortality is achieved in the memories of those who remember us after we're gone. We are not truly dead until the last person who carries our memory dies with it. There is something both comforting and terrifying about that. We are remembered by our loved ones and the lives we've affected, knowingly and otherwise. But memory is fragile, subjective, and prone to manipulation. So how well is our legacy maintained? Does the remembrance bear a resemblance to who we really were? How we lived, loved, failed, triumphed, survived, endured, or were defeated? How can we ask so much when we begin to understand that to “err is human,” and we are all selective in what we remember, let alone how we remember it. 

"Fruit Tree" is a remarkably well-penned bookend to "Time Has Told Me." We shouldn't ask for more but live in gratitude of what has been given to us, and maybe that will lead us where all our struggling and fighting against the tide has been guiding us--to a place were" our ocean finds its shore." But still, we can't help but wonder what we leave behind, the parts of us that remain beyond the veil and our ability to curate and frame ourselves. When all that is left is what is remembered, how can we not worry about that too? 

Drake's response exposes the futility of these obsessive musings: Life is but a memory/ Happened long ago/ Theatre full of sadness/ For a long forgotten show/ Seems so easy/ Just to let it go on by/ 'Till you stop and wonder/ Why you never wondered why. Will the rooms of despair carry the memory of your trauma the way your body has? Probably not. Another soul will take residence there to tell their own story, cement their own legacy. I'm reminded of Alfred, Lord Tennyson's "The Charge of the Light Brigade," Not though the soldier knew/ Someone had blundered/ Theirs not to make reply/ Theirs not to reason why/ Theirs but to do and die/ Into the valley of Death/ Rode the six hundred. Theirs but to do and die.

Worrying about legacy after death seems futile when all we can do is live out our days, and hopefully, past the reeds of selfish thoughts, needs, and desires, we do some good that is not "interred with our bones." Maybe in death, we find an understanding of ourselves, our place, and our experiences. But there is no knowing until we go through it: Safe in the womb of an everlasting night/ You find the darkness can give the brightest light/ Safe in your place deep in the earth/ That's when they'll know what you were really worth. Or not, but what does it matter? You've done your part. You lived. You experienced things that made you, and for better or worse, you were here. 

Fruit tree, fruit tree/ No one knows you but the rain and the air/ Don't you worry/ They'll stand and stare when you're gone

Fruit tree, fruit tree/ Open your eyes to another year/ They'll all know/ That you were here when you're gone

I know you were here Nicholas Rodney Drake. Long before I was born, your ocean was making its way to my shore. I understand my depression better through your music and the intense vulnerability you bared. You bore fruit within my soul and allowed me to realize that while my struggles with mental health aren't unique, it does not make them irrelevant. I remember you. I see you, Fruit Tree. Keep blossoming!

[rabbitindisguise]

Wait no I should talk about this so people can mentally prepare themselves

So basically the whole thing is set up as a establishment of personal responsibility. Regardless of if you're an abuse survivor or marginalized, it's on you to "move on" to other things. They don't do anything for you. Ever.

So for a lot of people, this is a huge exercise in re-traumatization. You have to ask for your own belongings, your food, your bed, your sheets. Anything can be taken from you at any time. Other patrons can take your things and there's no legal culpability. If there's a no violence policy, you might remember the implications of that from middle school: both parties, regardless of who instigated the fight, get consequences. That also means people who tattle are seen with severity within the community.

It's accessible (if it's accessible). But there are no systems in place for that sort of thing. You ask and hope. The food served is scraps from some sort of organization that's donating stuff. The shampoos, conditioners, consumables, even the structural elements of the building are shoddy and show wear even if they're able to be repaired. There's no cohesiveness.

People talk about how many aren't accessible. They talk about abusers that end up there or the violence that occurs. They talk about the potential for abuse of power by staff against homeless people living there. They talk about how people are treated like children, how you basically can't have friends or partners or have sex or do anything without being observed. They talk about how difficult it is to get anything.

What they don't tell you is how the people in charge don't know the services they're supposed to be providing. They don't know how to help you. It is designed to keep you homeless, as much as possible, and to aggravate any and all trauma type symptoms. The perpetual open spaces of common areas, the distinct non-living-space structure of the sleeping spaces, how it looks and feels more like prison than a house or a bedroom . . . all of this is meant to make you feel like garbage.

There's other little things, too. No pots, pans, or autonomy in feeding yourself. Lack of choice in waking and sleeping hours. Brutal consequences for straying form the rules. The fact that a person who's compassion fatigued could destroy your whole life or even kill you just because you're there in a space. And that's after using language of personal empowerment, framing your problems as something you bring about yourself.

I've lived in a physically abusive house for 20+ years. If I hadn't this would have been my first contact with being stripped of my autonomy and sense of self. Shelters aren't just "inadequate" or "give people housing because we have empty homes" they are actively built, designed, and run to maximize the ability to keep people in perpetual poverty indefinitely. You will have to fight a brick wall just to sleep. It's not outside. It's not a jail cell. But it tries very hard to be the worst parts of both at the same time. Shelters are not just "bad" they are an active evil driven by the ethos of social services that it's your fault that you're poor to begin with. They make people hate themselves. They drive people into the dirt so they're non-functional.

Imagine how someone feels after sleeping on a decent bed after a hot meal vs someone sleeping in a tent after eating cold tomato soup out of a can. Which person is going to set up to be successful at life? You can manage a weekend, a month, a year sleeping on basically dirt floors eating canned goods. But it's going to drain the hell out of you fast and there's no good goddamn reason for it when the time and effort it takes to make people actively miserable in the name of efficiency could have been spent giving people what they're supposed to have in the first place

And I know this is sacrilegious to capitalism. The cheaper the bed, the more housed people. However.

We wouldn't need so many beds if people stopped trying to keep homeless people in a mental place where they continue to experience homelessness indefinitely until they die.

And that's why shelters suck.

Shelters suck but not for the reasons people talk about them sucking I guess probably because the people it negatively affects avoid shelters entirely or because of how it impacts people enough that they can't talk about it from sheer exhaustion or whatever else