#you can take ace [redacted] from my cold dead hands

[horseshoe-bay-ledger]

Literally everyone: Nancy no. Nancy: Nancy yes.

Bonus:

[darlincollins]

My siblings in Redacted, with love in my heart I tell you you can pry low sex-drive Sam and Darlin from my cold dead hands. They are cuddle bugs okay let my ace ass have this

i definitely agree with you anon, personally they strike me as lower on the... i guess i'll go with scale? of sex drive! they want to cuddle and take naps and hold hands and they are so valid for that <3 one day i will find the post that opened my eyes to how good this concept is but for now. yes

[deeptrashwitch]

Liù Xiao Chen A.K.A Golden Empress

Across the world many powerful people have existed, some of them uses that power for good and others not. Usually they end up hunted and buried. Except for one of them, the Golden Empress of East Asia, Liù Xiao Chen.

It's not much what is know from her, just that is chinese and now she has a big problem with the Six Aces and their expantion through all Asia. Even though she's known for her lack of appreciation for the forgein troops meddling in her business, also she's pragmatic and is willing to work with them if it means keeping her status and influence. That's how her cooperation with the Specters started.

During a mission of the team across China, Wraith informed them about a person who could help them to get the information about the Red Dragon. A trafficker who operates under the name of Golden Empress, a queen of the underworld on East Asia, that had a grudge against this organization. They encountered eachother on a neutral site, at least Alicia with Xiao Chen, both leaving their teams with the same instructions.

"If in the next twenty-four hours you have no news about me, go with all the armament."

It was a tense reunion between the both leaders. Even though Xiao Chen appears to be charismatic and and joking, Alicia noticed the cautious attitude behind the facade. They ended up making an agreement where Xiao Chen would help the team everytime they are on East Asia and gave them protection without questions, and in return Alicia won't intervene with her operations and will grant her the positions they get from Six Aces on that region.

Once both shook hands to seal the deal, they both notice the second intentions behind it.

Liù really doesn't really like to be in debt or have to protect someone like them. Especially not without questions, she never knows what that woman can be planning.

And Marchant will never allow that a plague like Golden Empress adquires more power, nor let her continue. The US did that once and she knows the price too well.

Fields of action:

Money laundry

Gun traffick

Procurer

Main operation sites:

Shanghái, China

Busan, South Korea

Singapore

Kyoto, Japan

Victoria, Hong Kong

Taipei, Taiwan

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The reunion

[Redacted], China. [Redacted]. 20:15 pm

"So you are the Captain who's chasing these brats, huh? I expected you to be, you know, a bit more...intimidating" said the chinese woman while sitting in front of the american one. She was smiling with mockery and coquetry.

"Seems like your information is out dated, Liù Xiao Chen. Or should I call you Golden Empress?" muttered Alicia while drinking her tea without even looking her.

"Yours isn't breaking news either, sweetie"

"What can I say? I didn't expect the big fish would come talk to me"

"Well, I did. What about if we go for a drink at my place?"

"You're a bit far from Shanghái, don't you think? It's unpractical to go just for a drink"

"Come on, that one it's just a satellite location"

"Lie. This is your satellite location, and we both know Shanghái it's not your only main" sentenced the military woman finally looking the other one, dead eyes and a slight smile.

"Huh, apparently you...are not as clueless as I thought"

"I'm definitely not. So, shall we start?"

"Gladly"

"Six Aces"

"Idiots who think they can meddle on my territory" said with a disgust grimace as a waiter gave her a glass of liquor.

"Red Dragon"

"Don't know about that one yet, but there's another one"

"Oh?"

"A...Black Swan. Violent bastard. Ironic, isn't it?"

"It is, mostly if they manage an extortion business around here"

"Ha! That's a new one" commented Xiao Chen with a laugh, but taking mental notes of it "extortion? I wonder where you get that"

"Over here and over there. Nothing new for me"

"Then why would you come to me if you have that kind of information?"

"Because I'm not stupid enough to ignore the power you hold against this people" answered with a dry laugh but cold eyes "if I did, it would be lost time chasing this organization"

"Interesting thing coming from a yankee dog"

"What a cliché, the hate for the americans. I kinda expected you to be more original"

"Your people made themselves worth of the hate. After all you've done..."

"Unfortunately, I can't deny it. But still"

They both stayed silent for some minutes, drinking without even thinking about ordering food, they didn't discard the other wouldn't poison them.

"What do you really want for me?"

"An agreement"

"At least you're honest, and why should I accept?"

"You tell me. Are you capable to destroy them from the inside? Maybe you have the experience we have, maybe the skills or who knows"

"You overstimate yourself"

"I'm not, I know perfectly what we're capable of"

"Let's say that maybe I do something to come to an agreement, what do I get?"

"Power and positions. Once we got rid of them, it might be yours"

"Nice offer, but I'm not stupid. What's the price?"

"Proteciton and help, no questions asked"

Xiao Chen laughed incredulous, putting her glass on the table. She calmed herself and then looked at the american, slowly loosing her smile. The brown and the black clashed for a second.

"You're joking. Didn't the person who give you the information tell you that I HATE people like you getting inside my business? What made you think that I would accept protect you with my resources?"

"I'm not forcing you, Liù" answered Alicia without changing her voice tone, making her drink spin slowly inside the cup "but it could be good for you to remember how quickly they expand. If we don't eliminate them, sooner or later, you'll loose everything. Your empire will fall"

"Is that a threat, my dear?"

"A warning, a prediction, whatever you want to call it. But not a threat, those are a waste of time"

"You are not so delicate to negociate, are you?"

"I go to the point"

"You should learn how to do this"

"Oh, I do know, but I have no interest on being polite with you"

"Huh, that's something rude, you know?"

"I wouldn't do that if I was you" said the Captain now more alert noticing the movements towards under the table "a revolver. Wasn't this a neutral reunion?"

"You have a knife, it isn't better either" answered the queen with contempt, pointing sligthly to her belt.

"It's not for you, it's for someone else"

"Still, precaution"

"I guess it's something fair"

"Yeah, but you know...I might be interested in what you said"

"Oh?"

"I don't like those morons running around my place. I'll accept, but under a condition"

"Which is?"

"Stop the Black Swan and I'll cut his tongue, literally. Then we can talk about that protection you're asking for"

"If it will be the case, you leave alone the people...at least for a while"

"Sure. They aren't useful to me without money"

Like that, they shook their hands with a little smile. But inside they felt disgut of touching the other, mostly because that conversation gave them a glance of eachother nature.

Greedy bitch. Thought Alicia once she saw the thirst for power inside those black eyes and the lack of mercy.

Hipocrite bastard. Senteced Xiao Chen in her mind once she noticed the disposal of the military to sacrifice others to get the deal.

End of reunion

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wraith closed her eyes before leaning against the back of her seat, sighing once Alicia ended the report.

-Maybe you hate her, becuase she's like you

-Like me? Do I look like a fucking trafficant with thirst of power to you?

-Not that, but what you're capable to do

-Excuse me?

-She'll do everything to keep her power safe...and you'll do anything to keep these men alive

-It's different, she tries to keep something that more sooner than you think will desapear-said Alicia without looking at her-I, on the other hand, try to give them an opportunity to be back home with their families

-You can't control what will happen with your soldiers, she can control somehow what will happen with her empire

-You think so? Huh

-I though you got over it, once Michaelis told you the truth to your face in Hawaii

-I just understand that they can fight their battles too, but there are things I'll never let happen again and no one can tell me other way

-You're justifing yourself, stubborn

-I don't think so

-Anyway, if you hate her so much, why accept the reunion I told you to go? We both know you don't respect my authority enough for that

-You said it before, I'll do anything to keep them alive

The coordinator just rolled her eyes, from day to day she can't understand Alicia's mind.

-And you say "no one's left behind", who would have thought that only applies to your people

-Why are you surprised? I've met some other Captains who would do a deal with the devil too if that means their people are safe-said the black-haired turning to look at her in the eyes, with a little madness shine-my team is my family as well as my own family. If I have to burn the world to keep them safe, so be it

-I...start to think this was a bad idea

-Too fucking late, Wraith

-Yeah, I figured that much

[redbelles]

@anthropologicalhands​ here you go! thanks for the ask ✨

hilariously, i p. much can’t write unless i have a title in mind? it seems to shape the story as i go, so i typically end up stealing song lyrics as soon as i have an idea, if only to put myself out of my misery. anyway! atla, twd, rdr2, ac: origins, dc, and pitch under the cut!

in our bedroom, after the war

post-series atla zutara au wherein i geek about politics and reconstruction and consequences, and also break zuko into tiny sad pieces before katara gets to smooch him. also there is a dragon.

and wept for break of day

twd au: post-coda, (loosely) inspired by the short story “bullet in the brain”; eventual bethyl

Mass hallucinations, one broadcaster said. String theory. The collective unconscious. Just a whole buncha scared fools, grasping at straws while the world reels, trying to understand something too big and too ugly to ever understand. 

She sits there in the dirt, numb and shaking, hands clenched so tight that her nails bite deep into her palms. She presses harder, carving sharp little crescents into skin that’s not nearly as callused as it should be. 

The world feels like it’s falling away beneath her, spinning out wildly, carrying her someplace foreign and strange. Her skull throbs and aches. There’s no scar on her wrist. Beneath the dirt, her nails are painted cornflower blue, bright and vivid as a summer sky. The dead don’t walk. 

But they did, didn’t they?

I lived it. I remember.

it ain’t no sin

twd au: beth wakes up during her abduction and it gives daryl time to reach the car, and then daryl and beth bang about it

She doesn’t hear the familiar twang of the bow, but when the word chokes off into a gurgle of blood and the graceless thump of a body hitting the ground, she knows.

Daryl comes sprinting out of the darkness, quiet as a hunting cat. The driver’s side door swings open, the cop’s buddy stepping out to try and salvage the situation. Daryl fires, reloads, and fires again, so fast her eyes can’t follow it. She’s so dizzy that it seems like one smooth motion. One breath, just long enough to aim, and then the arrows are gone and Beth and Daryl are alone in the night. The men are dead. 

Good, she thinks fiercely, angry and shaken and still unable to stand. Good. 

He goes straight to the bodies as she finally hauls herself onto the grass, listening as he yanks the bolts free. Three awful squelches; visceral, obscene. She gags again, and then Daryl is there, dropping to his knees beside her. 

“Y’alright?”

late for the sky

rdr2 au: arthur/sadie, set immediately after the massacre at hanging dog ranch

“You didn’t have to stay,” she calls. There’s an ache in her voice he doesn’t know how to parse. 

“Sure.” He leaves it at that, no fuss about letting Freyja rest, about needing to catch his breath, though neither would be a lie. There’s no room for chatter; the air between them is full up with grief.

“Sure?”

No meat on that bone, but he can see her chewing it over all the same, worrying at it. Sadie Adler, shaken. If he held a mirror up to her face, he’s half-afraid he’d see fire. Smoke, ash, the orange blaze of a cabin as it burns to cinders. 

The memory sends a chill skittering down his spine, a cold knife that lodges somewhere near his heart. 

He ain’t the only one held hostage by that particular cruelty. Still knee-deep in the river, Sadie shivers. The water keeps running red around her, blood flaking off her hair and skin, melting into the current, soft as snow.

this loneliness won’t last

rdr2 au: arthur/john/abigail post-game fix it fic

There was heat pouring off John. A droplet of sweat trailing down his cheek. He smelled like salt and sunbaked earth. The thought skimmed through his mind like a water on a pane of glass, crystal clear and out of reach all the same. Then John’s mouth crashed over his, and Arthur had no thought left. 

He couldn’t help himself. He bent into John like a windswept tree, looking for shelter. Looking for relief. John pulled him in, held him close, hands fisted in the worn fabric of Arthur’s shirt. Need kindled in his blood, bright and sharp and burning, and he stiffened. Pulled away. John wouldn’t have it. He pulled him back in, nipped at his mouth, trailed fire over his skin, kissed him like Arthur was his to keep.

He wanted to run and hide. He wanted to stay right where he was and live in this moment forever. But then it was over: John stepped away, breathing hard. His fingers were still wound in Arthur’s shirt. He let go like it hurt. 

“Don’t leave,” he said, staring at Arthur like he could sear the words into him. Make him stay through force of will alone. 

And then he was gone, just like always, just like before.

pieces rendered

ac: origins post-game, post-dlc bayek/aya fix it fic

Amunet, he reminds himself, wincing at the cool bite of aloe against raw skin. It is hard to remember in moments like these, alone in the twilight dimness of the cave mouth, safe from the eyes and ears of those who have only ever known her as a Hidden One. 

She is Aya in his thoughts, sometimes, no matter how well he guards his tongue. When the world slips and the ache of all he’s lost will not subside, that is the name that rises in his heart. Wife, lover, friend. Mother of his child, the woman he once thought would walk beside him in this life and the next. Aya. 

Amunet is the shadow of a wild wind, always blowing away from him. “North,” she told him once, “to set the sea aflame.”

She did. She does. 

Perhaps someday he will come to terms with that.

stolen car

sprawling fic series that explores the batfam universe through the lens of jacy petra todd, the second robin. the bad robin.

She holds a gun to a rapist’s head and presses the muzzle into skin hard enough to leave a mark, hard enough to make the piece of shit kneeling in front of her whimper. 

They’re in a warehouse out by the docks, in the corner of a shadowy park, in some shitty back alley, trash piled up in careless heaps and the rats ignoring them. It’s nothing they haven’t seen before. There’s blood on the ground. There is always blood on the ground. 

“Please,” they say, “please, don’t do this.”

“Come on,” she says, laughing. They hate it when she laughs. The helmet distorts her voice, turning it harsh and metallic, until the sound of it is like a knife under their skin. It is a weapon like any other; she is not afraid to use it. “Beg some more. See where it gets you.”

They cry, or retch, or shake, big tough men learning what it feels like to be powerless. Sometimes they piss themselves, the sharp odor of urine burning against the stink of blood and gunpowder. 

The Bat may rule Gotham, but Crime Alley is the Red Hood’s haunt, and her lines are hard and fast. Everyone in the city knows what happens when you cross them.

“Please,” they say, staring up at her, searching flat red metal for an ounce of mercy. They never meet her eyes. Instead, they look where a mouth should be, and beg, just like she tells them to. “Please, please, I won’t do it again, I’ll never do it again, please!”

The gun doesn’t waver. Gotham beat the softness out of her wayward daughter years before Batman ever found her, before Robin ever fluttered into the Joker’s path, before she seared and burned and screamed her way back to consciousness in the Lazarus Pit. 

“No,” she tells them, voice like a knife, gun steady in her hands—

stone by stone

sequel to no burden that will not float away featuring shitty coffee, former robins being bad at feelings, and the current robin judging them for it

[fire from fire]

[redacted] au where [redacted] dies and [redacted] snaps

She walks through the streets like a reckoning. She does not sing.

with a hawk above you crying

wonder woman fic inspired by emmylou harris’s michelangelo

last night i dreamed about you / i dreamed you lay dying / in a field of thorn and roses / with a hawk above you crying / for the warrior slain in battle / from an arrow driven deep inside you long ago—

Diana finds Antiope, and loses her, and finds her again.

you know the time is now

pitch, mike/ginny, mid-season onward au where they actually have to deal with their feelings

after all the bullshit surrounding the all-star game, mike decides he needs to take a step back, distance himself a bit from the ginny baker madness. so of course the first thing he does after the all-star game is get into a brawl. he can’t even blame it on some sort of convenient rage blackout. he makes a calm, rational decision to follow the fucker up the first base path, and calmly, rationally punches him in the face while ginny watches, stunned, from the mound.

varitek a-rod brawl whomst???

ask me about my wips!

[whosxafraid]

Married life. Us. I FUCKING dare you, Gowl.

Meme: Married Life Meme Status: CLOSED

leaves their dirty clothes on the floor

Adrenaline. Some people call it the super man effect. Mother’s lifting cars off their children. Soldiers taking impossible amounts of damage and not going down until their done. And that’s not too far off from what’s going on now is it? Bullets flying, spitting off walls and near misses off helmets. But that hold he’s got on the other man’s body armor. It’s not going to waiver. So it doesn’t. And eventually House finds them cover. 

And then it’s all a different kind of chaos. Trying to scrounge up make shift bandaging and thank Christ one of the med bags made it. Peej yelling orders. Telling him where to hold and how hard to press. And it’s all hyper awareness. Because he can feel the blood pouring out around the gauze. Feel nails biting through his sleeve because that shit hurts. 

And it’s only later when the fire fight calms because the suns gone down, that he really notices. That they’re all missing some part of their uniform. Because they’d all give it all up, if it meant they all got to come home, breathing.

forgets to run the dish washer

Day three. 

It’s all starting to blur together. They take things in shifts. One sleeps the others are up. Watching the outside. Making sure the other one doesn’t die on them. At least not without anyone knowing. Remnants of MREs sprinkled throughout. None of them have really eaten a full meal since this shit storm started. 

He shifts a bit. Checks that their leading man hasn’t checked out on them. He’s good. Breathing. Half Pint says Boss will make it. If they can get out of this hell hole. 

Banks relieves him. And he’s up again. Moving through their make shift fox hole. Nudging the Peej with his foot to get up. It’s Luka’s turn for some shut eye.

        I could destroy a burger right now, you feeling me?

          “Aye.”

A pause because there’s a part of him that’s afraid they won’t ever be able to argue again about the proper way to grill one. But he keeps that to himself. A half cocked smile as he pulls his helmet down a bit to try and block out the sun.

          “Ta triple decker from B n’ B minute we ge’ back.”

pumps gas for the car

          I got us a way out but s’insane, G. 

And he listens to the pitch House tosses Gorilla, from his point by the window. There’s a humvee with a bed, that looks intact about three klicks out. No motion since sun down. It’s risky as shit. Stupid to even attempt it. But they arent’ going to get evac’d sitting here like ducks in a barrel that’s quickly losing its ability to stay upright. 

              House that’s fuckin’ worse than insa—

       “Oi’ll go.”

The stagnate air in the room gets heavier by degrees. 

             O’Ri–

        “Oi’ can make i’. House up top coverin’ me. Oi’can make i’.”

              Not without me, fucktard. It’s three clicks out and you’ll need someone carrying your ass back, so I’m going to

A brief glance at the other Irishman. He’s not wrong. What with the fact of who he spends most his down time with, that wee fucker with magic fingers when it comes to making things work that don’t have the mind. Some of that’s worn off, Luka’s seen it in action. And there’s another few beats of silence but eventually..

Damnit. Fine go. House take Banks. You two cover these idiots.

Roger that.

drives when they’re going somewhere

Chaos. It’s what he was trained for. What they all were. And it’s damn clock work in the middle of a war zone that might just be worse than Uganda. And they don’t talk about Uganda. 

            South!

            “RIGH’ ER LEF’ OI’ NO GO’ TOI’ME TA BE CHE—”

           RIGHT!

And there’s a turn that’s almost too sharp for the Humvee to handle. He can feel it start to tilt up on one side–but just when he thinks its going to clear the point of no return it levels back out again. And they speed away down the dirt road. Gun fire pinging in a symphony of clinks and clanks. That’s answered because Banks never does know when to quit. And it’s minutes before House dares…

          We good?

A choir of tired yeses. But they’re alive. And so is their downed team leader. But more than anything? That heavy hand on his shoulder that’s squeezes with all it’s might for a few solid seconds, feels good. At least until it pulls away to come back as a fist.

          Next time, I’m driving, fucker.

rearranges the furniture

It’s amazing how quick the stench can set in. The way it gets into your clothes. Into your skin. Until you nearly scrub your skin off later, and you could swear it’s still there. But right now—right now they’ve got to find what they’re looking for. No one gets left behind. 

           Needle in hay stack.

For once he doesn’t make a come back. Just keeps searching faces. One right after the other. Body after body. And there’s a twisting in his gut with each one. Wanting it to be over and yet hoping House isn’t here at all. Because if he isn’t here…

Ping!

           Contact ten o’clock!

They split behind opposite pillars. Silent communication on how they’re going to get out of this one. Not that they ever get the chance because there’s laughter that sounds more like relief than amusement.

You assholes need to keep a better eye on your sixes.

And there the little fucker is. Jumping down from a hole in the roof. Gesturing towards the enemy that had been hiding among the dead.

Like he said. They don’t talk about Uganda.

falls asleep with the TV on

What does he do when it’s two hundred hours, at the bottom of the pacific and he can’t sleep? He watches videos he’s hoarded on his phone that’s what. Earbuds stuck firmly in. Trying to keep the amusement to himself, as she dances into the camera frame for the billionth time. Looking like a wee fair folk, twirling around his little brother that bless him as no rhythm at all.

But before he knows it…it’s three hundred hours, and he’s drifted off to sleep. Listening to her ramble about work, and the mouse Houdini caught in the kitchen. And it’s all just as well. Because it allows for someone else to pick it up. Slide the ear buds away that have fallen loose. And he’ll never know how his phone ended up back where it should be. He’ll never know the message from home meant for him, made someone else feel not quite so lonely. 

But what he doesn’t know what hurt him. At least not until later, when the teasing starts because his mother had sent over a box of old things. And Beth had spotted the sock donkey. And of course had to wonder allowed what his name was.

gets to use the bathroom first

Thirty-one hours awake and counting. That concrete slab of a cot is going to feel like goose down by the time he gets to it. But for now he lets the scalding water run. Washing off…well everything. Hands flat against the tile. Lets his mind slip elsewhere. Pretends for just a minute there’s humming in the next room that he can just make out of the water flow. Pretends he can smell coconuts and cinnamon. Pretends there’s a cat trying to get to his jeans from underneath the door. Pretends a lot of things. Until–

The door on the showers bangs open, and shatters it all. Riley saddling up a few shower heads away. And there’s only a minimal change to his otherwise blank expression before he’s speaking up. Never once moving in the process.

“Next one down less ye wanna be foi’ghtin’ wi’d water pressure.”

A pause but the Peej moves up one, because there’s no real trust outside of uniform with them. Predictable really. And Luka shuts off the water. Towels off. Makes a kilt out of it and shuffles off towards the lockers without a word. Though the satisfying yell and subsquent cursing is only just so satisfying.

He owes House a fifty but it was worth it; because nothing beats an ice cold mountain dew shower to round of your thirty-two hour day.

decides the temperature for the ac/heater

As conditioned as he is…he can’t say he likes the cold. It’s a case of being able to put up with it, verses enjoying it. So maybe he feels just a little bit sorry for the Peej turned SEAL when they end up catching a beat on a whale. Feels a little sympathy for the added layer the other dons during down time. Not that he’ll say anything. Because that just wasn’t what you did.

Though when one of the heaters starts fritzing mid-cruise, sure he tosses over a few pointers. A few try this, because they last thing they need is their medic ending up in the medbay because his fingers froze stiff. Plus he doesn’t really want to listen to the sermon he’ll get when he gets home. Not that he’d blame her for it. Because he wouldn’t. 

sets up holiday decorations

Date: December 24th.Location: ClassifiedDesignation: U.S.S. -redacted-

The off tune someone just shoot him already singing of House in the corner. It’s the only thing breaking the otherwise silence of the room. The TV’s been off for hours. The gaming system dead in the water. Everyone distracting themselves with whatever else they can find. 

Because they all love their job. Can’t dream of doing anything different and yet right then not a single one wants to be where they are. All of them thinking about snow and trees covered in lights and twenty years with of memories give or take a decade in some cases. Thinking about the Christmas dinners they’re going to miss, and the night caps they are right now. And maybe for a minute having to remind themselves they signed up for this. That its worth it in the end. And there’s always next Christmas.

But then suddenly—

        ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO MEE-EE-EE

A symphony of on key, perfectly timed responses: SHUT THE FUCKING HELL UP, HOUSE!

leaves the lights on

Actual quiet in the bunks. Everyone’s turned in. No sense in staying up. They’re running dark right now, so phones calls are a no go. And he lays there. Listening to House’s stuffy nosed snoring. Watching the little tree none of them even know where he got it, turn from red to green to gold to white and back again. And it’s almost soothing. Almost has him on the verge of drifting off when–

A shadow gets up from their bed across the room. Shuffles over. Reaches for it. And he’s throwing a hand out. Catching Riley by the wrist. A single shake of his head before pushing the other’s hand away.

          “Leave i’. Helps him sleep.”

There’s under toned griping he can’t make out, but the Peej leaves it be. Goes back to bed and almost begrudgingly turns over to face away from the blinking tree. Luka won’t call him on it. It makes him miss home more, too. Miss her, more. But there are just somethings you take for the team. And this one? He’ll take for House.

uses the bathroom with the door open

There are things that have to be held when you’re squished together like sardines in a can, in the back of a troop truck. Things that have to be willed through on account of pissing on your buddy’s boot, while considered talent at this angle, just isn’t worth the risk of getting it elsewhere too. So you hold it. Scrunch your toes inside your own boots and say seven hail mary’s in advance for the slew of relief cursing you’re going to be doing in a half hour.

And once you do manage to reach camp? It’s a bustle of fucking movement. You never make it to the head. And next thing you know your half way up a god forsaken mountain in bumble fuck egypt when you literally can’t fucking can anymore. And you’re practically skipping off for the biggest tree you can find to let it all go.

You’ll never live it down. You know that. But this isn’t California or bust. And they can wait the few seconds it takes to water the locals and get back on track.

           Tol’ ye no’ ta—

          “Shut up, fucktard.”

fixes the plumbing (or calls the plumber)

        “Oi’m tellin’ ye, ye go’ ta pu’ t—”

            You wanna come down here and do this? No? Then stop speaking.

They’ve been at it for an hour and a half now. It can’t be this complicated to fix a leak. Well it can but neither of them exactly went to vocational school to spend their days underneath sinks.

       “Chroi’st arse jus’ call ye boyfriend.”

            No.

It’s pride. He gets it. But still it’s ridiculous. And he’s this close to calling the wee lad himself when–there’s a dull ping and a thud and—

           TURN OFF THE FUCKIN’ WATER!! TURN IT OFF!

A short lived scurry to do just that. Though by the time he’s managed it there’s already a good sized puddle of water all over the kitchen floor and Riley coming out of the cabinet. Soaked down his front and angrier than a can of bees shaken.

            Hand me my phone.