#you can also do this if there are any seams on your sims body | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lobotomisedsims · 56 minutes ago

Text

SIMS 4: BEETLEJUICE MOD

Though I know I should be wary,

Still I download some mod scary,

Ghostly CC I turn loose:

BEETLEJUICE!

MORE INFO UNDER CUT

New CAS items:

Beetlejuice's suit (4 swatches, clean and moldy versions and different shirt colours)

Beetlejuice's trousers (2 swatches, clean and moldy versions)

Beetlejuice skin (different versions found in different places. You can find them in eye details, face paint, lipstick, and eyeshadow. Lots of different swatches for the version you want!)

Dolores's stitches (in facepaint and body scars. Version in scars has the stitches and seams separate to be put together similar to GrimGuide's halloween stitches if you've ever used that before)

Sandworm eyes (in... eyes. Where else would they be?)

Sandworm skins for SaveState furries (also works with SoraFoxy's furries and tomjj's furries, though some of the bird beaks look odd. Does not work for benji's furries. Looks weird.)

New BuildBuy stuff:

Delia's statues (set of 4, found in 'decoration'. This was my first time modeling in Blender so sorry if they came out a lil wonky!)

Beetlejuice's tombstone (3 swatches, 2 of different spellings of his name and 1 in simlish. Found in 'decoration'. PURELY DECORATIVE, DOES NOT FUNCTION AS AN ACTUAL TOMBSTONE! To get it to look more like the version from the films, I'd reccomend using the bb.moveobjects cheat to add a lil gargoyle of some sort on top)

Handbook for the recently deceased (MIGHT require Seasons? It shouldn't since I messed with the mesh and stuff but if you don't have that pack and it doesn't show up in your game let me know. 2 swatches for English and simlish. Found in 'activities and skills')

Striped wallpaper (10 swatches! I kind of went overboard. Found in 'wallpapers'... duh)

Striped chair (5 swatches, found in 'comfort'. Again this shouldn't require anything else if I edited the mesh properly, but it's possible this might require Cottage Living if I screwed up.)

New traits:

STRANGE AND UNUSUAL TRAIT

Faster at training photography and medium (from paranormal stuff) skills

Slower at building friendship and romance with other sims

Stronger 'sad' moodlets

Become inspired around occult sims (vampires, werewolves, aliens, spellcasters, mermaids, and the skeletons from jungle adventure)

Permanent happy buff when they themself become an occult (does not include the skeletons as it is a hidden trait you can't give to sims without cheats or other mods)

Random chance for sad moodlet because "nobody understands them"

Are happy when in Strangerville, become inspired in the secret lab (fair warning, I've had issues with getting this to work, this is my first set of traits so it could cause some issues! If anyone better at this stuff than me knows how to get this working 100% of the time please let me know ;u;)

Can give a "strange introduction" to new sims

Can "share dark thoughts" with other sims

Can "enthuse about cryptids"

NOTE: If you are planning on making Lydia, I would reccomend using this in conjunction with the base game 'gloomy' trait. When making this trait I didn't want to just replicate Lydia's personality exactly since I wanted this to be a trait you could use on any sim, and I didn't want to make it too similar to the 'gloomy' or 'paranoid' traits.

GROSS GHOST TRAIT

Immune to death! Since they're already a ghost and all that

Faster at training mischief and medium (from paranormal stuff) skills, slower at training charisma

Playful buff when engaging in mischief

Social need decays fast, hygiene need decays REALLY fast

Positive reaction to being dirty or in a dirty environment (including the fixer-upper apartments in city living! Receives energised moodlet upon spotting roaches and inspired moodlet with the unexplained smell)

Gains uncomfortable moodlet when clean

More likely to feel playful

Other sims will notice a gross smell around them...

Cats and dogs are scared of them (could not figure out how to do the same with horses, sorry)

Can "gross out" (mischief) and "freak out" (mean) other sims

Can "lie about being a serial killer in a past life" and "convince to visit the Neitherworld" (mischief)

Can "confess to eating bugs" and "reminisce on past pranks" (friendly)

Can "tell terrible puns" (funny)

OPTIONAL BONUS STUFF!!!

Suit and trousers based on my OC Sirius (I don't know why anybody else would wanna use these but I threw them in there anyway!) 2 swatches

I did make their little noose 'necktie' too but had trouble texturing it. No matter what I do it just shows up completely black in game. So I gave up lol

>> DOWNLOAD HERE!!! (SFS) <<

PLEASE READ! For the traits you NEED to also download the .ts4script file, not just the .package file!!!

OTHER RECOMENDED CC (important)

Some of these are REQUIRED for parts of the mod to work, others are other people's Beetlejuice related CC I thought was cool!

SaveState's furry mod (REQUIRED FOR SANDWORMS) https://www.savestatecomic.com/dlc/

@daylifesims's Lydia hair https://www.tumblr.com/daylifesims/700120977032560640/gothic-side-set-lydia-and-here-is-the-most

@kismet-sims's Lydia hair (now you got two options! lol) https://kismet-sims.tumblr.com/post/179286280949/simbleen-gift-one-lydia-hair-made-it-from

@mosneakers's posepack + Lydia inspired hair https://www.tumblr.com/mosneakers/765876897461764096/day-o-posepack

@I-too-love-mr-beetlejuice's musical Beetlejuice CAS stuff https://makesims-finds.tumblr.com/post/190684018895/ok-so-i-was-getting-impatient-and-decided-to

Divider by @strangergraphics!

#simblreen #beetlejuice #sims 4 #the sims 4 #sims #the sims #sims 4 cc #sims 4 mods #sims4 #ts4cc #the sims 4 cc

8 notes · View notes

daman19942 · 11 months ago

Text

Get to know you: Sims Style

Thank you to @executables-sims for the tag! Took me a few days, but this was fun to fill out.

What’s your favorite Sims death?

Easy, death by Cowplant! It's so iconic and peak Sims-ridiculousness. That it made its way into future games is no surprise. Plus, I don't have a ton of accidental death in my game, and the Cowplant keeps me on my toes.

Alpha CC or Maxis Match?

Maxis Match as much as possible. I love TS2's aesthetic, even is some of it appears dated. My game certainly looks better in 2023 than it did in 2004, but it is still recognizably TS2

Do you cheat your sims weight?

No, I let it happen organically. Especially because I use Simler90's Slower Fitness Increase and Nopke's Fitness Decay, both of which really make you work for it. They are essential to my gameplay, but mean more of my sims have a high body skill than is probably normal. They are doing their best!

Do you move objects?

Of course. Why it isn't enabled in my UserStartup file is a question I ask myself daily.

Favorite Mod?

I have more than 500 mods so I don't know how I can pick. I could just say NUMENOR in all-caps to say everything he's done. But I'll go with a recent favorite, Nyami's Actual Alcohol Mod, because it adds chaos to gameplay and chaos is good.

Do you pronounce live mode like aLIVE or LIVing?

Living. We are in Live Mode, folks!

Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made?

In an older prompt, I answered with Daniel Monona, but since then it's definitely been Duke Patricio. I've made him 3 times (in my OG 2000's game, where he married Nina Caliente, in a Base Game Starter hood, and again in my 2020's game). He and Zeeshan are my favorite couple and I'm sad they are so close to old age because I've had so much fun playing them (but I've also been giving them way too many extra days with Elixir of Life or Life Fruit).

Ari is #2, but I haven't played him for a bit because I'm stuck on what to do with him as a Vampire...

Have you made a simself?

Nope, only one of my old TS2 Exchange avatar, which was intentionally not what I look like.

Which is your favorite EA hair color?

Never really thought about this, but maybe black?

Favorite EA hair?

Two male hairs, Rocker and Shortmop. Those two haircuts were iconic in my 2000's saves. Jeanette is my favorite CC hair.

Favorite life stage?

Teens. It's where my sims start to develop their personalities, and I begin to think about what I want them to do. They also haven't fully grown into their facial features yet, so you can get all sorts of good and bad surprises. Plus, they can cause lots of of trouble.

Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay?

I still consider myself a builder, even though I play my game much more frequently these days. But I think 400+ uploaded lots in my time playing this game allows me to hold onto that label.

Are you a CC creator?

I guess so! Learning how to mesh and use Milkshape in the last year has radically changed how I see myself in the TS2 community, and has stolen so many days from me (the trial and error of making, and the trial and error of uploading), but its been a very fun skill to develop.

Do you have any Simblr friends or a Sim Squad?

I love my mutuals but I don't interact with other accounts too often. I don't post on a Sims discord or anything. Maybe I should?!

Do you have any sims merch?

I do not.

Do you have a YouTube for sims?

No and I would definitely not have time to produce one!

How has your “Sims style” changed throughout your years of playing?

Loaded question time! For one, my game is much more LGBTQ+ than when I shared neighborhood save files with my siblings growing up. Now that it's my game, exploring different relationships with my sims is one of my favorite parts of play.

I've also become much more Maxis Match as I get older. The 2000's were a wild west for CC creation, and my old saves are bursting at the seams with painted-on clothes and the mid-decade emo aesthetic that I have absolutely no interest in playing in 2023.

Lastly, my build style used to be modern and CFE heavy, but now I prefer traditional (modern works better in TS3) and makeovers.

Who’s your favorite CC creator?

I'll take a historical approach to answering this, because there are many active creators whose work I love, but I also try to preserve the legacies of the original TS2 pioneers. Here are 5:

Numenor - The Modfather. His mods did more to expand this game than just about anyone in the heyday of TS2. If you are reading this, you know who Numenor is. Need I say more? Windkeeper - Probably the best Maxis Match CC of the old era. Her stuff holds up remarkably well. en7en - aka "That Pagoda Guy." Yeah, he's the CFE genius who made the Eiffel Tower and disappeared way too soon. A huge inspiration on my old build style. Ehaught58 - one of the great builders across many different Sims eras. I need to upload some of his old TS2 lots. I wish I could still access his Exchange page because it was a treasure trove. His lots were often huge and unfriendly to old machines but would be fine now. A very recognizable build style (dark woods, earth tones). Daihtnaoz7 - If he did nothing but discover CFE he'd still be a legend. But he also wrote the single bridge, double bridge, and atrium tutorials, demonstrating how to best take advantage of this new cheat. A literal gamechanger. I paid tribute to him here.

Honorable mentions: Cyclonesue (TSR), Hatshepsut (TSR), Tiko (TSR), PiaNouka (Exchange), GoddessByline (Exchange), Wintermuteai1, Minideidad (Exchange), Cireking213 (Exchange, still around as CK213 for TS3 and TS4).

How long have you had Simblr?

I think I made this in Spring 2020. Right as COVID was shutting everything down, I found myself playing TS2 a lot more and eventually discovered Simblr. The old, big sites are either shells of their former selves (MTS), or don't allow TS2 content anymore (TSR), so I figured if I wanted to be active in the TS2 community nearly 20 after the game came out, I had to be on Tumblr.

How do you edit your pictures?

I have a Photoshop action that crops, brightens, and sharpens, and somehow pictures still take me way too long.

What expansion/gamepack is your favorite?

Answering for the first 3 games (as I haven't played TS4)

TS1 - Makin Magic! A perfect final EP for the first game. Though Unleashed was probably my very first EP. TS2 - University (I'm in the minority here, but it's so much fun when you have big dorms or chaotic houses). Seasons is #2 TS3 - Late Night. Bridgeport is gorgeous and the new lot styles were fun and I wish they could be ported in TS2.

Tagging: @katatty @lilakartoffelbrei and @bayoubashsims if you haven't gone yet!

#Tag meme

11 notes · View notes

1-800-cuupid · 3 years ago

Text

How To Remove Seams || Blender Renders

I wanted to update my seams tutorial! This is not gonna show you how to do a whole render, just how to get rid of the gross seams that come with your sim when you open the .DAE in blender.

I used 2.93 for this but it should be the same in 3.0.

💘 Tutorial below the cut 💘

Step 1: After you import your dae, it would be a really good idea to separate your sim’s clothing, accessories and other add-ons from their body to avoid any issues.

In the UV Editor, selected anything your sim might be wearing then mouse over the 3D View-Port and press “P”. Then click “Separate by selection”.

Do this for both the head and feet as well.

youtube

Step 2: Now we want to join the feet to the body. Before we can do that, we have to rename the UV maps. In the Object Data tab, scroll down until you can find the UV Maps box. In there, it should be two maps. Ignore the first half of the name and look at the 2nd half.

Find the “map-1″ (should be the one at the bottom of the list) and click the minus buttons next to the box. You’ve removed the uv_1. Blender does not need this map.

Find “map-0″ and rename it to “uv_0″

Repeat this for the sim’s feet.

When you’ve done that, right click the feet then shift click the body and while mousing over the 3D View-Port, hold down shift and press “J” to join the feet and body.

They should both take on the same texture map.

youtube

Step 3: We are now going to remove the seams on the sim.

Make sure you have the body selected and enter Edit Mode.

*Follow these instructions in this specific order or else you’ll get splits or something else wonky in your sim’s mesh.

Make sure you have your mouse in the 3D View and press space bar. In the search type in “Tris to Quads”. Press enter or click to apply it.

Next, press space again and search for “Merge by Distance”. It does not matter which one you pick, they both do the same thing. Again, press enter or click to apply.

Finally, bring up the search one more time and type in Subdivide. A small box will pop up in the left-hand corner. If not, click the bar with the modifier name in it and it should pop up.

In that box, you can change how much you want the sim’s body to be subdivided and the smoothness. I normally keep my "Number of Cuts” at 1 and the “Smoothness” at 1.000.

*When you increase the smoothness, the sim's body will expand a little bit. You might have to use sculpt mode to fit any clothes back. The smoothness setting is optional use.

I don’t touch any of the other settings but feel free to play around and see what they do.

youtube

Step 4: We now return to the head which is a slightly different process.

Make sure all of the head is selected and bring up search again.

Do “Tris to Quads” then subdivide again.

Done.

You can also use “Merge by Distance on the head but if you do, the vertices that make up the mouth will get stuck together and if you plan on using poses that have the sim’s mouth open, it’ll look straight out of a horror movie. It also messes up some custom ears (i.e. elf, alien, etc).

youtube

All done, the sims that were on your sims should be gone now, I hope this helped better than my last tut! 💘

#the sims 4 #ts4 #s4 #sims 4 #the sims 4 tutoria #ts4 tutorial #s4 tutorial #sims 4 tutorial #the sims 4 render #ts4 render #s4 render #the sims 4 render tutorial #s4 render tutorial #sims 4 render tutorial #cuupid

622 notes · View notes

missmecustomized · 4 years ago

Text

How to remove seams from Sims’ bodies for renders

So I’ve noticed an uptick in people using Renders instead of in-game screenshots when advertising content. I also noticed that people seem to have trouble with hiding seams when doing renders and I thought that I would offer my two cents on how to get rid of them.

For this I’m using Blender 2.90. Tutorial below the cut.

So I’ll try to make this quick because there's not a lot to getting rid of seams. It’s just a few clicks really.

The reason sim bodies have these seams is because they are low-poly/game ready so when taken out of the game into render programs like Blender, 3Ds MAX/MAYA or Cinema 4D, you can see these seams. We have to make the Sim’s Body render ready.

To start, select the Sim’s body.

Take it into edit mode and select all faces by pressing A until it’s completely orange.

Press the space bar in the 3D Viewport to bring up the search bar. In that search bar, type in “Merge by Distance”. Click the first option and it might freeze for a second.

After it does that, in the very bottom or top bar (depending on which version of Blender you’re using) It’ll say the number of vertices that were removed. This removes doubles/unnecessary vertices and merges the seams of the Sim’s body.

When you take it out of edit mode, you’ll see that you can see the seams a little less now but they’re still there. The next step might bring your work process to a crawl depending on the capability of your computer.

I recommend that you make sure you have everything you want in your render setup to the point where you’re sure you won’t fiddle with it too much because this modifier doubles the poly count of the body.

If you are happy with how the seams look now or are confident you can take them into Photoshop/GIMP and get rid of them completely then you can stop off here.

For everyone else who wants to get rid of the seams completely without any additional 3rd party program work then keep reading.

Now to smooth and blend the merged seams together, we have to use the Subdivision Modifier to add more polys to the Sim’s Body.

Be aware that this could add either 100k or 1 Million Polys to your scene depending on how much stuff you have attached to the Sim’s Body. As you can see, I have my clothing and any other accessories such as hair, glasses, etc. separated.

I recommend you do this too before applying this modifier or else your Blender could run really slow or crash outright.

Anyway, when you’ve added the modifier, you’ll see that you can barely see the seam now which is great but now we have these weird...rolls on the sim’s body that shadows are catching.

We’re going to get rid of these.

Take your mesh back into edit mode with everything selected and press the space bar to bring up the search bar again.

This time, type in Quads and click “Tris to Quads” to turn the sim’s body from triangles to Quads.

Now when you go back into Object mode, you’ll see that the seams and rolls are completely gone now! Now when we render, you won’t see any obnoxious seams, yay!

Before:

After:

Hope this helps~

817 notes · View notes

vegan-kaktus · 3 years ago

Photo

I saw @phoebe-twiddle’s default for the maid outfit and knew exactly what I wanted to do: matching defaults for afbodydressmaid and ambodymanmaid!

NPC Clothing

I got rid of the shorts on EA’s Kitchen&Bath pre-order outfit, extracted the pants from afbodydeliveryperson / ambodydeliveryperson and colored them brown. I also made the gloves yellow, but there is a version included with pink gloves as well (choose only one file!). My default contains two 1024x1024 textures, and both AF and AM share those textures. The shoes are my fixed umbottomwillpants shoes from my pizza default.

This is my first time converting AF -> AM so the mesh is not perfect by any means, but it’s good enough for me. They both have fat morphs, of course! This was also my first time making a fat morph (AM) from scratch. I apologize, it’s not perfect either D-:

I did my best to reduce as much clipping as possible, but there are still some clipping during certain animations between the pants and shirt at the back. There’s also a slight (skin texture) seam/difference between the neck and body on AM. I was thinking of replacing the neck mesh with a “true” AM-neck mesh, but then I was unsure of how I would add the apron mesh back onto it.

In other words; I’m too tired/not sure how to solve these issues, but if anyone wants to try and fix them or know how I could fix them myself, please feel free to do so/let me know! :-D

EA original polycount:

female: 2932

male: 2280

My default’s polycount:

female: 2564

male: 2562

Vehicle

Included in the default is a simple texture default for the maid car, replacing EA’s pink maid logo with my new logo. I also cleaned up the registration sign and removed the shadow under the side mirror :-) the logo on the engine hood (is it really called hood in English?) has been replaced as well.

Recommended Mods

These are maid related mods I recommend downloading. They are not required for my defaults to work, though :-)

Amura’s fair wages for service NPCs

rio-sims’ random maid hair

You can also browse sims2defaults for a default of hairhatmaid.

My default will not conflict with whattheskell‘s maid completer / male maid separates since @rudhira was kind and threw together my default file the “right” way! Also worth mentioning, EA originally had three different colors for the male maid but my default does not.

All defaults seen in this post have been merged into one single file, and the files have been compressed to reduce file size. If you have any other defaults in your downloads folder for afbodydressmaid, ambodymanmaid or vehiclemaid-main_txtr you have to remove those before installing mine! And remember to choose between yellow or pink gloves :-) if you encounter any problems, let me know!

Edit: I separated the vehicle default for an anon, so if you don’t want to use my NPC outfit defaults but my car default download the “vegankaktus_DEFAULTvehiclemaid” file :-)

Edit #2: if you have the “Buyable Work and NPC Clothes” you will probably see my default with invisible pants. Delete the maid gzps from that file and all is good :-)

Edit 2021-09-11: I updated my vehicle default with the nicer bumper texture from my taxi defaults! here is a quick image showing the new texture:

both the separated car default and the merged file have been updated with my new texture :-) please re-download!

DOWNLOAD: SFS | MTS

Credits: freepik for the icon, @rudhira for being so kind and helping me so much(♡), phoebe-twiddle for the yellow gloves idea and lastly, EA :-)

#ts2cc #sims 2 cc #sims 2 custom content #sims 2 default replacement #dl: default replacement #dl: default clothing #dl: object default

372 notes · View notes

pis3update · 4 years ago

Text

I wanted to have some Avatar The Last Airbender CC for Sims 3 for a veeeery long time. Especially air nomad tattoos. Sims 2 and Sims 4 have them, but why not Sims 3? I did my waiting… And I decided I must be the one to do them! Are there any ATLA fans in Sims 3, except me? :D

May I present you PART 1 of something I’ve already done.

I LOVE Mango skintones by @neisims and it’s variations. So I’ve chosen Mango Smoothie to be my base. I didn’t want to change it dramatically (except the full body tattoo part of course), but some minor changes were made. And I tried my best to make it Asian-like :) I’ve decided to keep the “brand” name. So here it is!!! Mango-Air, everybody.

Additional credits: Kurasoberina, Joedy (livelovepixels), Ephemera, Navetsea, Simtzu, Mamyrocker

This skintone is for all ages. Your sim will get his master tattoos as a teen. Toddlers and children don’t have tattoos.

About the skintones. I didn’t want to make a big amount of colour variations, but I did dark and light versions.

- Blue_Light skintone has a light blue arrow on pale skin (sim №1-4).

- Blue_Dark skintone has a darker arrow for dark skin (sims №5-8). Light blue looks weird with dark skin. Even darker arrow looks weird with dark skin, but it is what it is.

- And of course a skintone for Avatar’s state (don’t include contacts). This one also has dark and light variants with the same white tattoos for both, so they’re merged in one file.

Another thing you may need (not obligatory, but usefull). I’ve made two sliders specially for this skintone. They won’t make a vivid change to the face structure, so they’re useless for anything else except correcting the arrow shape. As it turned out, when I was making Aang, brow sliders (brow height in particular) cause distortion to the arrow. Those sliders won’t fix big distortion, but they can solve minor ones.

HUUUGE thank you to @sims3tutorialhub for skintone and slider tutorials (you do a great job!), and also helping me out with neck seam glitch ;) One of my dreams finally came true.

And finally!!!! The download link! :D

DOWNLOAD

#valeriyasimblr #ts3cc #genetics #slider #submission

64 notes · View notes

valeriyasimblr · 4 years ago

Text

Ok. My first post :) Well. Let's start my CC creator's jorney!

I wanted to have some Avatar The Last Airbender CC for Sims 3 for a veeeery long time. Especially air nomad tattoos. Sims 2 and Sims 4 have them, but why not Sims 3? I did my waiting... And I decided I must be the one to do them! Are there any ATLA fans in Sims 3, except me? :D

May I present you PART 1 of something I've already done. It includes 4 air nomad skintones and 2 sliders.

Part 2 is HERE

I LOVE Mango skintones by @neisims and it's variations. So I've chosen Mango Smoothie to be my base. I didn't want to change it dramatically (except the full body tattoo part of course), but some minor changes were made. And I tried my best to make it Asian-like :) I've decided to keep the "brand" name. So here it is!!! Mango-Air, everybody.

Additional credits: Kurasoberina, Joedy (livelovepixels), Ephemera, Navetsea, Simtzu, Mamyrocker

This skintone is for all ages. Your sim will get his master tattoos as a teen. Toddlers and children don't have tattoos.

About the skintones. I didn't want to make a big amount of colour variations, but I did dark and light versions.

- Blue_Light skintone has a light blue arrow on pale skin (sim №1-4).

- Blue_Dark skintone has a darker arrow for dark skin (sims №5-8). Light blue looks weird with dark skin. Even darker arrow looks weird with dark skin, but it is what it is.

- And of course a skintone for Avatar's state (don't include contacts). This one also has dark and light variants with the same white tattoos for both, so they're merged in one file.

Another thing you may need (not obligatory, but usefull). I've made two sliders specially for this skintone. They won't make a vivid change to the face structure, so they're useless for anything else except correcting the arrow shape. As it turned out, when I was making Aang, brow sliders (brow height in particular) cause distortion to the arrow. Those sliders won't fix big distortion, but they can solve minor ones.

HUUUGE thank you to @sims3tutorialhub for skintone and slider tutorials (you do a great job!), and also helping me out with neck seam glitch ;) One of my dreams finally came true.

And finally!!!! The download link! :D

DOWNLOAD

#ts3cc #sims3 #sims 3 cc #sims 3 custom content #s3cc #ATLA #avatar the last airbender #skintone #Mango-Air

51 notes · View notes

spacemilkies · 4 years ago

Text

turkish delight

“some of my best memories are of food. perhaps they can become yours too.” —eleazar “lazar” azoulay x bell

or lazar takes bell on a culinary adventure to help discover herself.

a/n: looking forward to a year of plentiful muse and inspiration to write again.

you expected death to be darkness. perhaps only broken with occasional wisps of flames and the stench of brimstone. regardless of ones faith, the imagination created the greatest wonders and nightmares of the unknown.

what you didn’t anticipate was the smell of sea salt and something aromatically woodsy in fragrance.

it’s what billows under your body, slowly bringing to the rise of clarity. but rather than understanding, you’re met with a sharp pang in your chest.

with a harsh gasp, you immediately try to curl in on yourself, the action worsening the pain as you tremble in the aftershocks. the pleasant scent you’d been chasing is lost the the crackle of gunfire and the deafening roar of the cliffside waters below. the splintered fragments of one of your last memories- an authentic recollection- was of russell adler shooting you point blank.

your measly records, mostly fabricated as they were, didn’t lie about your skill set. you were quick to react at the slightest hint of danger. but it wasn’t fast enough.

frankly, what would you have done, had the shot connected with its intended target?

you, a broken soviet contact turnjacket versus a man with medals that could have spanned the walls of whatever dark corner cell they would have thrown you in. perhaps adler’s methods, though unsanctioned, were ideal. and could have saved you a great deal of turmoil had it actually finished the job.

“hey … careful with those stitches. i may be a good cook but those are where my talents cut off. but i did what i could.”

the voice though alarmed, took great care not to raise to the volume it could have. it was comforting. meeting it’s well intended goal as the hair at your nape slowly fell with recognition. you knew that voice.

more importantly what accompanied it.

the rapid returning uptick of your heartbeat had to be audible as it rapped against your ribcage. from what you could tell, no part of you was presently restrained but that didn’t mean you weren’t detained. adler did not complete his objective, but you weren’t an end that could remain loose.

and if death was his last resort. you weren’t keen on waiting to find out what came after.

“relax, mami*. you are safe.”

then in an odd form of constraints, two large hands cupped your cheeks rather than constrict around your wrist. your own hands paused minutely just short of his neck where you could still very easily bring them up and squeeze. however, as your vision finally cleared, all you were left to do was stare up at the face of eleazar azoulay.

lazar.

his skin still wore some of the worst of both havana and solovsky; a stretch of abrasions and scratches that would take time to heal. ones that he should have all the time in the world to allow them to as he basked in the afterglow of victory. not hide them in a minimalistic room. the walls too thin and surrounding noises too close in reach to be considered a home. wherever he brought you was somewhere closer to civilization than you had been in berlin.

“lazar.” came your first reply since seemingly returning from the dead. a simple word ready to burst at the seams from all the emotions thrashing around inside you.

you could feel his answering chuckle, breathless but lacking any real humor. but relief was there. solace in the fact that you’d remembered. after weeks of making you think that everything was as it should be.

though instead of rising to the anger, you sagged in defeat.

“...lazar.”

because that was all you could manage.

lazar.

not adler.

pools of dark brown shined with something you couldn’t quite comprehend as his thumbs rubbed warmth into the swell of your cheeks. you wondered how cold you must be for him to feel so inviting.

“life for a life, my friend. i only wish i could have been sooner.”

though you doubted much would have changed. adler was not a man that could be reasoned with and in comparison, lazar lacked the authority to challenge. still you wondered what it might have looked like, a knight in bloodied clothing coming to your rescue.

you probably would have shot him too.

all of them for pulling you through living hell. and not even having the audacity to let you earn the scorch marks as yourself. even now across the finish line, you weren’t sure who crossed the threshold.

lazar spoke in the absence of your speech. “we’re far from solovetsky. back in another safehouse of mine. somewhat better than the last, i suppose. i almost forgot it was here.” he’s delaying the inevitable. adding verbosity to a mission brief when he should have been listing the cold facts. yet you didn’t mind as you found yourself sinking back into the stiff mattress with each continued stroke of his calloused fingers.

“we’re in nice. cleared, of course.”

right. because asking him to run away with you would have been more than your ledger could account for.

his thumbs pause as his face hardens in preparation of his next words,” it was a clean shot, through and through. just missed your heart. though it may have nicked a rib.“ his tongue darts out to wet his lips, an action you follow in dazed silence. “... adler. he gave you nine days to recover before you’re to present before the board. we’re six days out now.”

adler.

six days.

board.

stacked on top of each other, they made for a formidable tower of your greatest fears. all ready to topple down at any moment. lazar had saved you, yes, but in order to subject you to what?

the firmness of his grip brought you back to attention as your cheeks pursed. “but we still have time to address that. for now you rest.”

even in the chaos of your mind, you agreed that he was right. you would need all your strength to face the music awaiting you in the near future.

finally his hands drew away and you licked your own lips, catching the faint taste of gunpowder against the cracked ridges.

first rest.

“and then?”

you wished you could package that grin. tuck it away and only unwrap it when the worst of the world came against you. it was a smile that nudged away the encroaching darkness at the recesses of your mind and left behind a gentle glow.

“then we eat. i’m making shawarma.”

in hindsight, perhaps graciously seasoned meat still glistened with oil was the last thing you should have put on an empty stomach. but this was the aroma that had brought you back from the dead, it was unlikely to make your grave.

you could taste all the ingredients you’d managed to piece together prior and something more. a strong blend that you couldn’t decipher without help.

“what spice is this?”

already well into his second helping, lazar rose to the hidden compliment. “spices. za'atar. its a blend of sumac, marjoram, sesame seeds and a few other things my savta* covets as a family secret. it’s good, no?”

it was. very good. and if stuffing more down your throat wouldn’t result in an unfortunate reappearance less than an hour later, you might have welcomed more.

“i didn’t know you could cook so well.”

eating, you knew he did very well. despite the drab and outskirt safehouse in west berlin, lazar never failed to have some sort of food stashed away- rarely any of them the rations you might have expected. that and his assortment of food related clothing choices made him look like quite the connoisseur.

“growing up with a family like mine meant learning fast or you didn’t eat. every hand was there to aid in the kitchens.”

your family had- well, adler’s injections of vividly colored memories had not only not skipped over that aspect of your finely threaded life but also managed to weigh down on the scraps of what could have been your actual recollections. right now you couldn’t even picture what your household looked like. if it was full or lacking. did you wake up every morning to the smell of pancakes or did you make your own bowl of cereal alone at the table?

adler had managed to rip away such an intimate part of you. distant echos of what you were before everything.

lazar’s brow rose as your chewing slowed. “i can’t right my wrongs. neither can anyone. we all dealt with the hand we were given. those some more poorly than others. but you have more people on your side than you think. “

you immediately think of woods and mason. two figures who’d been more receptive to your skill set than your past. maybe sims to, if he shared the same sentiments through his friendship with lazar.

park.

would you even be in this outcome had you chosen differently in havana?

it had been a split decision in the heat of the moment, relied purely on proximity above all else. it made sense to reach for the closet body for extraction first. but you thought-

it hardly mattered now.

you pushed your half eaten plate to the center of the table, hoping to end both the meal and conversation.

rest first, then eat.

hopefully you could rest a little more before everything started to blur again.

accepting the silence yet again, lazar nods as he brings your plate closer to polish off the remains, content to let you fall back into the abyss of your mind. as your gaze drifts to the rapidly clearing plate , you found yourself wondering what pleasant smells would wake you tomorrow.

#cod cold war #bell cod #eleazar azoulay #lazar cod #bell x lazar #russell adler

42 notes · View notes

aleniksimmer · 4 years ago

Photo

Carapace and so the “main five heroes” are ready. (first picture in CAS, second in game outside during a sunny day in New Crest where I deleted the background)

I textured the bracelet and lowered the hood a little on the bottom front so it doesn’t clip that much with the chin while moving. The area of the suit covered by it isn’t as dark as in the show cause it’s the game that controls the render (I have the highest settings but it’s not animated show quality), and if I add a shadow map it will cause artifacts on the texture, the last option is to texture the neck directly darker on the suit as I did with HM pants but I don’t know if in the future will see Carapace without the hood so I left it like this. The miraculous tends to clip with extreme bodymorphs and deform a little depending on the sim’s body (cause it has a lot of details and it’s not low poly as EA ones).

The boots have some specular seams due to the EA base I used (shoes are always tricky to unwrap). They have the gap in the front as the show ones.

I also filmed while I was making Carapace pose, maybe someone is interested.

I’ll make the LODs, thumbnails etc after my exam, so expect it downloadable around the end of next week (probably before I’m able to edit and upload the videos).

I plan to make a complete revamp of Chat Noir Set starting from scratch (suit, suit decor, boots) cause, as I said before, it was my second serious project in blender and after two years and half it sucks for me. I just liked to include it in here anyway otherwise I’ll be in a constant state of WIPs for my finished projects. I’ll keep you updated when I’ll be reworking on his set.

I’ll check the notifications in here once the exam is over, thank you for the patience. ❤

Side note: recently there’ve been some individuals on twitter that kept spreading hate towards Thomas for some things of the show that they find disturbing or toxic. Most of the things they mentioned have been already debunked/explained/proved wrong with facts and the others aren’t even Thomas decisions, but something that have been decided by broadcasters/producers/animation studios. If you believe these people, please unfollow me, I don’t want to deal with someone who is entitled to their opinion and is blind to facts. Also, I am an adult, I enjoy n - s - f - w art and fictions, if this makes you uncomfortable unfollow me. Last but not least, as a fan, as a creator myself, and as an adult who knows a little about the world, I support Thomas and his creation, what I don’t support is the way the producers are exploiting it. If you have some question regarding the behind the scenes of Miraculous to clarify some doubts, I’ll do my best to answer. If you come here with negativity or harassment I’m going to ignore you. If you, in any way, can, show your support to Thomas and his staff on twitter, I think they really need some good words in these awful times.

#faq #the sims 4 carapace #sims 4 carapace #ts4 carapace #carapace #miraculous #miraculous ladybug #the sims 4 miraculous #sims 4 miraculous #ts4 miraculous #the sims 4 miraculous ladybug #sims 4 miraculous ladybug #ts4 miraculous ladybug

55 notes · View notes

windermeresimblr · 4 years ago

Text

Historical Paper Dolls: The Sun King’s Court

Last week, we discussed ruffs. Today, we’re staying in the 1600s, but focusing on a fairly specific niche: the fashions of Versailles between the 1660s and the 1690s. I was inspired to do this by @rennylurant‘s and my discussion of the “Versailles” series.

Alun and Alasdair and Joyeuse and Guiomar are all sharing center stage today. I simply couldn’t resist getting them all dressed up and making them go on a walk to see and be seen. I originally wanted them to promenade in a “Hall of Mirrors” set, but I couldn’t figure out how to get the pictures to not show the sky instead of the second story, so we have our trusty backdrop instead.

Men’s Fashion

Louis XIV mandated that all men who appeared at Versailles were to wear a long coat, a vest or waistcoat, a cravat, and knee breeches. This ensemble also required a hat for wearing outdoors. Charles II copied these fashion edicts upon his restoration to the throne in the 1660s. Don Draper’s work wardrobe and the trope of the “man in the grey flannel suit” are directly traced back from this style.

The waistcoat often reached to the jacket hem or just above it, buttoning up the front similarly to the modern version. (Earlier in the period, it had been rather shorter.) It was a canvas for embroidery, and could be made of contrasting fabric to add to the opulence of the look. The back of the waistcoat often remained plain, as it was not often seen when the justaucorps was worn; there are some instances of waistcoats having sleeves for winter wear. (Of course, you can then say that it is no longer a vest, and is instead a short coat--but that’s what the early form of the waistcoat was!)

The cravat is the ancestor of the modern necktie. Usually made of lace or fine linen, it was wound around the neck before allowing the ends to fall loose in front. There was a fashion in the 1660s for a ribbon to be tied around the cravat, which Alun is sporting once he’s fully dressed. The ribbons around the cravat were usually red, although other colors such as blue were not unheard of. This fashion trend continued, with the ribbons increasing in size and amount, until the 1690s. Then the cravat was worn without such decoration.

Knee breeches had been fuller (and/or shorter) prior to the 1660s, but with the popularity of the long-line justaucorps and waistcoat, slimmer and longer styles became more fashionable. Breeches were often made in the same fabric as the coat. They could be tied with ribbons or buttoned shut.

Because the new style was meant to emphasize the new-found peace after the turbulent early part of the 1600s, boots were gradually eschewed in favor of shoes. They were usually square toed and decorated with ribbons and bows and shoe-roses (essentially a pompom); there was a trend in the 1680s for red heels on one’s shoes. The heel, of course, became rather high, in order to emphasize the shapeliness of one’s calves, which were shown off by the slim knee breeches.

The long jacket was also known as a justaucorps, and would remain in fashion (with a great deal of change in how it looked) until the 1800s. The sleeve length varied from above to below the elbow, allowing the wearer’s shirt to poke through at the ends. Whether it had deep cuffs or shallow, broad lapels or none, and closed in the front or was worn open, the jacket was longer and more loosely cut than in previous decades. By the 1680s, it reached almost to the knee and remained full through the waist.

Men wore their hair long, often to mid-back. While some people kept their hair mostly straight, especially in Spain, loose curls or waves were favored. Louis XIV, who had gone bald at an early age, started a wig mania that didn’t die down until the late 18th century. He wanted something that would mimic his natural hair, only, of course, thicker and superior in almost every respect. The men of Versailles soon copied him. This early wig mimicked the wearer’s natural hair color, was not tied back in any way, and was styled with a rather severe and exaggerated center part.

A variety of hats were worn. The most common was a hat with a wide brim and a moderate crown, often decorated with feathers; your classic “Musketeer” hat. One side of the brim was often turned up; this turned into a brim-turning craze, resulting in the tricorne.

Women’s Fashion

From the 1660s to the 1670s, the trend in women’s fashion was a broad or off-the-shoulder neckline with full, elbow-length sleeves, a tightly corseted body, and a full skirt. While the gowns shown in portraits may look like a one-piece garment, the trend was actually for a separate bodice and petticoat, which usually were the same color and material. The bodice was attached to the skirt with tabs, which eventually transformed into less obvious hook-and-eye closures. (Terribly fiddly, of course, and essentially defeating the purpose of separates.)

The neckline became quite low in some cases, especially for portraits. In some cases, the breasts were totally exposed; more commonly, a good deal of the breast was shown, pushed up and accentuated by the tight corsetry of the period. It was a look very suited to the deceptively casual, libertine atmospheres of Charles II’s and Louis XIV’s courts. It was of course was frowned upon by the moralists, and was not terribly practical for those who needed to do anything more strenuous than embroider.

Throughout the period, pearl earrings and necklaces were very popular. The earrings often featured very large, teardrop-shaped pearls; the necklaces were made of the ordinary round, moderately sized pearls. Necklaces were worn very tight and very high, at the base of the throat. This was a look that would continue through the eighteenth century. Pendants were not as popular as they had been in previous years, but were still worn. Gemstones were also still very popular, as Joyeuse shows; I liked the contrast of the sapphires and her pink (salmon?) dress, and took a lot of inspiration from an image of Madame de Montespan I’ve linked in the credits.

Women generally did not openly wear wigs in this period; instead, they wore their natural hair (or someone else’s, if they had the misfortune to go bald). In the 1660s and 70s, the fashion was for curls at the front with buns in the back.

Here’s the fashion trend of the 1680 and 90s, the mantua. The mantua actually began as an “undress” dress, or casual wear; it was meant to showcase elaborate and exotic patterned fabric from overseas. It started as a fairly simple shoulder-to-floor open-fronted overdress (dolman-style sleeves, no fancy seam work, etc.) with a long train However, it soon evolved into the pleated, pinned, and looped style we see showcased here.

Although this was worn over the wearer’s shift, stays and petticoat, with only a stomacher (a decorative modesty panel pinned to the stays) and a coordinating outer petticoat keeping the underwear from becoming outerwear, the high neckline and longer sleeves were more modest than the somewhat revealing off-the-shoulder look previously popular.

In the 1680s and 90s, the hair was piled up at the front of the head and dressed with the towering mass of wire and ribbons known as the fontange. The fontange was inspired by one of Louis XIV’s “petit maitresses” doing up her hair in a pinch with a ribbon, and gradually mushroomed out of proportion into something involving starch, wire, and a serious amount of hat pins. This is a mere shadow of its extravagance.

Credits

Alasdair

Alun

Guiomar, 1660-79

Hair by @aikea-guinea and Sussi | Earrings by Ladesire | Necklace by Vitasims | Bodice and Skirt by EA

Guiomar, 1680-99

Hair by Chazzybazzy and Toksik | Earrings by Ladesire | Necklace by Vitasims | Fontange by Traelia | Mantua by GlorinosaVG

Joyeuse, 1660-79

Hair by Chazzybazzy and Applekisssims | Jewelry by Tankuz | Bodice and Skirt by EA

Joyeuse, 1680-99

Hair by EA | Fontange by Traelia | Earrings by Ladesire | Necklace by Vitasims | Mantua by GlorinosaVG

Poses

Walking Couple poses by Lenina90

A few necessary side notes:

Image 2: The breeches are not quite correct for the period, nor are the lapels. The shoes are also a little anachronistic. However, they look nice.

Image 6: The severe line of the corset in this period is not a look easily achievable with sliders without distorting the clothes, unfortunately. See this wax figure of Madame de Montespan for an idea of how this looked in real life. It’s not really a look for the faint-hearted or prim-and-proper types.

Image 8: I honestly don’t know what’s going on with Guiomar’s hair. It’s not spaniel curls, it’s not really a bun, but she can almost pull it off.

Image 9: Neither of these are very close to a proper mantua, but I have yet to find a mesh I really love, or one that I can convert without it being a problem.

I’m still really pleased how much of this could be done using EA meshes. I also think I will permanently move these to Saturdays.

#historical paper dolls series #sims 3 historical #sims 3 baroque #sims 3 lookbook #sims 3 content list #sims historical #sims baroque #sims lookbook #sims content list

45 notes · View notes

furbyq · 4 years ago

Note

Hey, you've been a big inspiration creativity wise to me, and I've been meaning to ask um a question. I'm interested in making like my own skins and whatnot and I'm not really sure where to start? I feel like its mainly texture editing/ photo manip that I'm not sure about and I'm wondering how you started? or if you could point to like some good tutorials/sites?

hi! that's a really sweet thing to say, thank you! ^^

i've been trying to figure out how to answer this for a few days (i've been having some pretty severe brainfog as of recently) so i hope this answer actually helps.

TOOLS / TUTORIALS

there's a few things i think you should familiarize yourself with before trying to blend skins.

the first is how the basics of photoshop work (i highly recommend photoshop over gimp or paint.net. i've seen *cough*free*cough* versions of cs5 floating around on tumblr, so if you don't have it, i'd recommend trying to find one that seems safe.) certain tools are going to be more useful than others for blending, but i'll definitely go over the specifics later down this explanation.

the second is how layer masks work. this tutorial by bosie and this tutorial by pooklet go over things you may need to do that utilize layer masks, so knowing how they work is paramount.

the third thing that is important is understanding how the ts2 uv maps work. this is important for understanding what part of the skin texture goes where and such. the best uv maps i've found are the ones here at mts, but they're in rars with a bunch of other uvs so i've uploaded the nude body mesh ones here by themselves with a separate face uv if you want to see where certain textures go on the actual 3d sim mesh.

BASICS OF SKINBLENDING

generally the way that skinblending is done is picking two or more skins with different pieces you like. you pick one as the base and then use layer masks to blend different features from other skins onto it. bosie's tutorial really goes over what you need to know about using layer masks for this purpose, although i personally keep all features on separate layers, even if i'm using the same texture for all of them. you don't even have to keep the layer masks at full opacity; messing with the layer opacity can give you really interesting effects!

if you’re wanting a tutorial on how to photoskin, apparently i wrote one on that a few years ago that you can read here.

you can also use handpainting to improve the coloration or texture of your skin. for example, sometimes i put some low opacity blushing over the cheeks or use a noise filter to create pore-like overlays.

always remember that if your face texture ends up a little asymmetrical during blending that you can duplicate, flip, and delete half of the texture in order to achieve perfect symmetry. although some creators definitely like some imperfection in their skins.

a lot of people end up using a body skin from one of the skins they blend facial features from without changing it because making a body blend is more challenging than making a face blend. this is due to how many more uv seams there are. you can even use a body from a skin you didn't use for your face blend, as long as you use a paintbrush on the neck of both the body and face textures to fix any seams!

this is more of an intermediate or advanced tip, but one strategy i have for mitigating this is to use the uv to draw a border on the seams with a paintbrush. for maxis matchy skins, you can use floodfill to patch the seams and on skins with more detail, you can apply a body skin to the border as a clipping mask to fix seams as long as you blur the border enough so that it blends.

BASICS OF RECOLORING

some people use actions to recolor skins, but i'm not a fan of doing that for natural tones because of how much pixelation it tends to add. instead, i usually use skintone shades on color fill layers set to multiply. this tends to make the texture look very flat, so i'll typically duplicate the base layer and drag it to the top and use a layer mask to only make certain features (like the eyes, lips, nose, and ears) visible. then i manually tone this layer using adjustment layers that are assigned as a clipping mask.

if you have difficulty with coloring beyond this, i suggest looking at a skin that already exists that is similar to the tone you're going for to see how it should look.

the tutorial by pooklet that i linked above goes over how to combat pixelation (which you will almost always end up with to some extent, even if you don’t use actions) but there’s also another tip here by them for an alternate way to smooth skins.

i have a tutorial here that provides some layer mask psds designed for smoothing, but using them on every skin may not be feasible.

BASICS OF TEXTURE REIMPORTING

now, as far as how intensive making skins actually is; if you utilize the amount of differences maxis skins are built to accommodate, you're looking at around 16-17 images per skin.

that includes:

teen to adult female body (normal/fat/fit states) elder female body (normal/fat/fit states) teen to elder male body (normal/fat/fit states) baby body toddler body child body baby face toddler face child-adult face elder face scalp

although a lot of popular skin makers forego some of these textures for their own sanity; some of the most popular skins have no fat/fit states, for example. with the way bodyshop and simpe work together, skins that are reimported to game will combine similar textures. so if you save your bodyshop project with the same face for every face available, in simpe you'll only have one face image to replace. you can use this fact to cull the textures down to an amount you are comfortable handling.

it should be added that you'll experience really bad image compression in bodyshop, ESPECIALLY with darker skintones and there isn't really any way to fix that in photoshop. reimporting your textures into simpe using DDS utilities will really help with that. here's a tutorial on how to install DDS utilities. there's a tutorial on how to reimport with DDS utilities here for hair. doing skins is the same basic concept, although like pooklet's tutorial mentioned, DXT3 may work better for skins than DXT5.

i know that you mainly needed help with the photomanipulation area, but i felt this was important to mention.

like i said, i hope any of this helps! if you have any specific questions beyond this, feel free to hit me up-- if i know the answer i'll definitely share it with you.

#replies #sims 2 #tutorials #litzibel-blog

11 notes · View notes

buckleysims · 5 years ago

Note

Hi Buckley I am wondering how you fixed Ephemera weak freckle male scalp issue. I want to use Simarex Satellites skin as a default but it has the same problem as the Weak skin with the ya-elder males scalps. I thought because it was missing the dark scalp, that was causing the issue. I tried using the Skininator to add that in & even transferred the skin to another default file but nothing worked. Do you have any other suggestions to fix the skin?

Hello anon! :) If I remember correctly, to fix Ephemera’s skin I edited the scalp textures to better match the color of the face textures. However, I went ahead and downloaded the skin that you’re having issues with, and while it does appear to have the same sort of mismatched scalp thing going on as Ephemera’s skin the face textures also do not have a consistent color at the seams which is going to make it difficult to create a seamless scalp texture to match it. I’m no expert at this, but I *believe* what you’d need to do to fix it is edit both the face textures and the scalp textures. The scalp should be a simple color fill and save, but for the face skin you would need to paint around the seams with the same color that you used for the scalp, feathering the line so that it blends in with the rest of the face. It’s pretty easy to do this if you overlay the face mesh’s UV map as your alpha so you can see exactly where the seams are while you paint. Here’s a picture of what I mean:

The black triangles outlined at the very bottom of the image is the thin strip at the back of the neck, and they can be color filled the same as the scalp. I don’t remember exactly what the top left and right show (the tongue and the inside of the mouth, maybe?), but for the rest of the face you’d just go up around the edge of the jaw and behind the ears, following it around the sides and top of the forehead and back down again. Anyway, I hope that makes sense! If you need any other help, feel free to message me. Happy simming! :)

ETA: I should note that the scalp mesh and face mesh render a bit differently in game (but not in Create-A-Sim), and as a result the colors don’t always line up perfectly regardless of how well you match up the skin textures. You see, the game treats the scalp the same as the body, and well, you know how face overlays like makeup and facial hair render crystal clear but body hair looks blotchy and awful? It’s the same thing that causes (or can cause) a seam between the face and scalp. You can fix it with by tweaking your GraphicsRules, but that comes with its own issues, so it’s really not a perfect solution. However, my suggestion above should help minimize the issue even if it doesn’t eliminate it.

#Non Sims #Inbox #Anonymous #There may be easier ways to do this #But this is what I've done in the past IIRC

46 notes · View notes

wilccard · 4 years ago

Note

pain: your muse looks after mine when they have a headache

( cont. from here. )

This is exactly what he expected, and it’s this which somehow makes it worse. Vladimir stares at him, face blank and bordered by light, trying to set his world right again. For a second, one eyebrow twitches slightly at the disease-riddled penguin, because God, what an August thing to say, and God, how he missed him. He verges between bursting into laughter and lashing out. For the span of a second, he teeters over into both of these possibilities, these realms of no return - and then the last sentence comes.

No: he expected this brand of venom. He didn’t expect the wound that comes with it - the wound it comes from. As though the last available defense to mount, the last rule in the book, was biting as hard as you can as you go down. Never August’s way before, was it? But he supposes we all must learn.

“Augustus. I returned because the year was over; now, what I came back to is a whole other matter than what I came back for.”

He doesn’t know where it comes from, this rigid calm in his voice. It’s not religion and it’s not spiritualism; he didn’t meditate his way into it, didn’t have some Western change of heart as he bandaged a ten year old in Tibet. It simply came to him one morning, a flurry of swallows, a large absence he lived with all his life until then. Nothing poured into it, nothing seeped in - the hole itself closed up, evaporated. He spent the next months of his volunteering internship in that fugue state, that bliss, not selflessness, but not self-possession, either - a state where the self is relegated to the background, a stage prop, a spectator. He didn’t think; he didn’t want. If he would’ve thought, he would’ve seen it for the intermittence it was, a temporary boon from whatever God deigned to make him the way he was, to make him this thing that craves, that doubts. He accepted the boon without seeing it, so that by the time the internship ended and he began backpacking through East Asia, he already felt it begin to disintegrate. It slipped through his fingers the moment they turned real again; the moment they touched objects and memory. By the time he crossed the border from the plains into towns and cities, it was almost all gone. Still, traces of it remained. They settled onto him sometimes, like ashes from a bonfire that cleansed something raw a hundred years ago, a thousand years ago - a bonfire that burns and burns and sends its dragonflies of char to reach you. It showed him, beyond any written word and feat of heroics, that the world is neither him nor his. That their world as they know it is just this bunched-up cloak in a vast and unopened wardrobe. He could still call onto this realization at times ( he called onto it quite a bunch of times, actually, the closest thing he’s ever had to a better nature, to an internal voice that did not call for self-annihilation ) like that night he got robbed blind in an alley in Lanzhou. Like that night he sat down with a strange boy in Tokyo, and spoke in ridiculous Japanese, which he still couldn’t learn properly because of how much it reminded him of his father, may the nameless stay nameless. Or tried to speak - to explain, to give a coherent sense to it. Who was it that said the personal never comes into question until it must be relayed to others; until it becomes personal for others? He told that boy, through quick and purposeless kisses, his name is Augustus, no, his name is August and I have no idea how to get back to him, who I’ll be if I do, what he’ll make me into. Stop touching me unless you can tell me how. Stop touching me unless you somehow become him. Like that day he bought a payphone for the first time in months, with a bloody flip and everything, and inserted the scratched SIM card he’d kept in a wallet. Like the deluge of messages on August’s number, ranging from unhinged to waspish to utterly, heartrendingly lovely, August’s sweet, imperious boy-king tone somehow reaching him through the screen. And then his mother’s texts, Rose’s, Roi’s, Snow’s, all the people in his life he somehow wanted to get away from, not to find himself - precisely to leave himself behind, an alchemy of fear. The farce of it. Oh, the farce of it. He told them this on the first day: it’s not goodness that moves me. It’s not others I want to save. I’ll lose my mind, mama, I’ll lose my mind if I spend one more week in this city. He told them, didn’t he? But there’s no way to make people who love you understand: you had to see if there was a world without them. It’s the only thing closest to death I could bear doing. You had to see. You saw.

He’d texted August a long string of messages in return, hating every single one, hating himself for the first time in months. And then, composure somehow restored, pulling the strings of his mind and heart together as though into a braid, he bought tickets home. He also cracked the payphone. The thought of not hearing back was impossible to cope with. The thought of hearing back and being told to stay the fuck off even more so.

That’s the way of primordial calm, isn’t it? Sometimes it just comes to us as cowardice.

He runs both hands through his hair, uprooting the grimy, dust-speckled strands. A physical testimony, his hair must’ve gathered the dust of three continents, mountain crags and steppe and neon airport terminal before it fell here - in this pristine two-storey from a fallen empire. His fingers rest on the tips, tug at them until it sends fire across his scalp. Pain lends clarity - another lesson they both learned.

“You’re in such a state”, he speaks before August can break anything else. “I’ll come see you tomorrow.”

On the other side of the door, his legs slump. He inhales so hard it sends something sparking on the off-center of his vision. His body, whole and entire, gives way into the frame. The door stays open, sweetheart, August’s mother begins to tell him from the corridor, but she stops dead at the sight of his face, his doubled-over position, inches away from kneeling. Perfect manicured fingers, even now, Christ, reach to him into a mauve lanyard. Lifeline. Get up. Come back tomorrow. You have to. You have to.

He follows her to the end of the corridor and picks up his bags. Before he’s fully out into the front lane, he can hear his mother scrambling to reach August’s room and open the door.

——

London is an uncanny valley - he hasn’t registered it on the taxi ride to the central neighborhood, headed to August’s house, when all he did was flip through his airport phone and send customary messages of Safe landing x. The cabby tried to ask him questions about the journey and he had to lie about being motion sick just to stay alone with his fucking thoughts. One thought: how is he, how is he, how is he, how does he look will he want to see me is there someone to see me at all. As the ugly communal blocks morphed into marble columns, into Huxley-esque car gates and alarm systems, he pressed his forehead against the window with small, shallow breaths. Suddenly, feeling close to throwing up was the furthest thing from a lie he’s ever said in this timezone.

He registers it now, though, the strangeness. He tries to hitch another cab from August’s street but nearly runs into the bike lane instead ( daft tosser, comes the scream, which he supposes it’s only fitting enough ). London was never a part of him, and it never went to great pains to give him any sense of belonging, a great and foreign body that rejects the transplant. Even so, he mourns for what he lost - London was the only thing he’d known, and that’s irreplaceable. The unfamiliarity of it batters against him until it’s almost as painful as the visit. Several degrees off, though; he still carries the shards in his body somewhere, so that when he finally reaches his flat he has to cover the wounds from his mum as though he came from Ypres. The bags are heavy, leaden. The strap bites into his shoulder with every step. One of them got lost or nicked at the airport, but he could care less - there’s nothing he could care less about, at that. Whatever he brought as gifts, he still tucked neatly into his cabin bag - they were purchases spaced out over the course of a year, evolving from bizarre memorabilia to enthusiastic keepsakes to dull, compulsory duty-frees in the last run.

His mum is on him in a split-second. She throws her tiny arms around his neck as though happiness made an acrobat out of her - he returns the hug, breathes in the tangerine tint of her hair, tries to keep his knees from buckling.

Dorogaya mama, ostanovit’! He laughs, and it’s not familiar to his ears, it won’t be to hers either, but he pulls her closer, diverts the moment. Stop it, you’re going to make me fall over. He seats the bags down, gently, begins to speak about his journey over whatever she’s saying to him, his leveled voice leveling hers down in turn. Vladimir thinks, well, if he speaks quick enough, expansive enough, he can drown out her questions, her exclamations, her prodding which will only serve to lay him open - touch one seam and everything will spill out.

“Look, I have to wash my hands, I’ve been in more cabs in the last hour than in my entire life. Dropped in to August’s for a moment on my way here—”

Her touches slow down, brought to a half - she only moves one hand to cup his cheek, a perfect, eerie stillness descending. “You went straight there. You landed and you went to see him”, she says. Not a question anymore. “Oh, Vladya. Malchik, malchik.”

“Yeah.” He’s at the sink, zipping through the small living room. “Yeah.” He scrubs in between his fingers, lathers everything with so much soap it stings his skin. His own nails scrape against it, back and forth, and is this fucking sink broken, because Vladimir feels water splattering him from somewhere. It’s one more minute until he realizes he’s crying. His mother lays an arm around him, and it’s then it turns into great, racking sobs, sounds that leave him gasping and grasping for air. They can’t be drowned by the tap. He still turns it higher.

——

He’s there the next morning. He hasn’t slept, not really, and he’d like to blame the jet lag but he knows that doesn’t cover it, not fully. He hasn’t eaten, either - he nitpicked at some stew his mother put together, long enough so that she won’t begin to sob, and then he thought of how everything gets to her so intensely and how he’s all she has and how can he carry all this love, this burden she breathed into him? If he came home from Nepal injured, sick? If he didn’t come home at all? If, and this was the scar, this was the boiling wound, he was the addict? And then a mudslide of rage went through him, over him at the thought that sure, it suits August just fine to up and do this, with a fucking family tree serving at his heel, some bloody Bilbo Baggins genealogy ready to nurse him into health. And then guilt, opening up in patches like craters in the earth. Sickness at thinking this without believing it; at believing it without thinking it. So he just pushed the bowl away and went to lie down.

But he’s there. A part of him is shocked at it. He thought ( it wasn’t until the last second that he admits this, until he rings the doorbell and waits for the grand mansion to open, and there is no way to back off, no way to slip into the comfortable hide of the coward and the runaway ) that he might not show up. That he was at the crossroads of it, as he’d been with everything else, as he’d been since birth or conception or whatever design cut him out like this.

But then Mrs. Sutherland opens, and her smile is August’s smile, and her eyes are August’s eyes, and Vladimir realizes something infinitely more terrifying: he would’ve come here anyway. He would’ve come to him always. In any timeline, in any scenario, in any of the horrific universes he thought up, and which are still not out of the question. He would’ve been at this door day and night.

His room is just as still as it was yesterday. This time, he comes prepared: a pail of water, lukewarm, a set of blades, shaving foam. He wanted the blades there, insisted on it; nearly came to blows with Valeria over the fact. I trust him with his own life as much as I trust him with mine, Valeria. I know who he is.

He brandishes them like weapons, or reliquaries, or whatever you carry when you go to meet a saint turned feral, a messiah fallen.

August rolls his eyes at him, or perhaps he imagines it. “Please, would you not? I have an awful headache.” Vladimir would call bullshit, and he almost does, but then he sees the way his friend winces at the slightest sound of him closing the door a little too hard. He also smells, through the antiseptic and 300-quid cleaning supplies, the faint traces of vomit, the blade-point acid of it. He’s worked hospitals, he’s worked bars - he knows how to tell it apart.

“Frankly, my dear”, is all he says, “I would be surprised if you didn’t.” He tries to keep his voice low - the words are equal parts cheer and restraint, modulated to fit the shut-blinds darkness. Through the drapes and valences, tendrils of morning sun reach Vladimir’s tense body, and August’s curled form on the bed. It paints gold-leafs over both of them.

He takes his shoes off, leaves them at the door. He rolls up the sleeve of his shirt, a worn-down thing he hasn’t worn since sixth form, and approaches the bed. He settles down on one knee onto the mattress, fully behind the other, water pail balanced carefully next to his thigh. “Up you go.” He can feel August readying his forces to hiss a barbed remark, can feel it in the tight coiling of the other's body rather than through any sound. Like a small, wounded animal, a former predator shunned to the edges of his own kingdom—his own mind.

“Shut up”, Vladimir intercepts him. He wants to say, is on the cusp of it: listen to me or I’ll give you the fistfight you’re itching to have, but then he reckons August has half a mind to take him up on the offer. And how will he ever explain that to their mothers? “Sit up and scoot closer to me, eyes to the wall. I’m either the one doing this or your mom is.”

Somehow, August obeys; whatever he read in Vladimir’s voice, he recognized it for what it was. Not power, not as they were both taught to define it, but deeper and darker than that - a force that precedes the names men gave to power.

He sinks his hands in the water, and, gently, lays them on August’s temples. He doesn’t think that this is the first time touching him in over a year. Doesn’t think that all the people he’s touched, all the people he felt, were just stepping stones until this moment, less than placeholders, less than even tokens or symbols for this moment, this warmth, this boy. He doesn’t think - maybe that’s the only thing it was, that calm, that ancient and bloodless acceptance. Just the ability to finally quiet your mind.

In circling motions, pressing just hard enough, he massages a line across the crown. Starting from the forehead, his touches advance, moving in half-moons until his hands meet at the nape of his neck once more. He lays two fingers into each side: the junction of nerve and vein. And then he presses it until he can feel the tension jolting back, can feel it roping and fluttering and then easing at last. He shudders under the other’s pulse - August shudders in turn. A sound escapes from August, broken, unwound. It crashes into the silence, a heat source, the proof of a taming, and splits it into pieces. Vladimir, too, sees it for what it is.

He takes off August’s sweater, pulls it over his head with care. Underneath, the bones of his spine poke out like knolls in the grass, like the grave-mounds of dead kings. He presses his lips to the first one, then the second, then the third. Against his cheek, the boy’s skin is feverish warm. It’s sickly, yes, it relays a tight-called battle, a losing or a winning, with both at painful, inestimable costs. A pain he’ll have no way of knowing, no words to ask about. There’s no mistake about it. Not even the rising ebb of desire can stave that understanding off, and it scares him so much his breath catches. But beneath the bones, beneath the shakiness of it, August’s heart is still loud enough to rattle the very stars. Vladimir presses his ear to it. thank god thank god thank god thank god.

They can work their way back from this. It’s there. Everything that needs to be is there.

“I'm going to say this once, and one time only.” He murmurs, soft, dazed. He can hardly feel his lips moving, still tenderly ghosting against August’s back. Not planting kisses - not appraising scars, either. Let me finish, his breath says, half caress and half vigil over the skin.

“This shit? It's not on me, and I refuse to carry it. If I did... August, love, if I pick this up, if you make me pick this up and claim it, it’s over for us. Not because I want it to be, not because it should be. But because there’s no other way. I never learned to love my way through guilt, and you deserve more than someone who comes to you as to a flame they have to shelter. A lonely artifact they’re responsible for.” At their side, Vladimir’s hand roams over the tangled bed-sheets, still warm with water, and seeks August’s fingers. The same quiet desperation of dorm nights and summer camps. He wills his voice not to break, and if he can touch him, if he touches him back, he will manage it. He will manage everything.

“ So... no. This is not on me. And you have to understand that. But the rest of it - what led to this, ultimately, but what could’ve led to a million other places - is on me. I should've come sooner. Stayed in touch. Should have explained to you that me leaving was never… meant to be permanent. That it never could be. There is nothing else but this - not because we’re doomed, or we doomed ourselves, but because I choose it. Or perhaps I don’t, okay, perhaps a thousand centuries made this choice for me, but what difference does it make? If everything is timeless and you’re the only thing I want? Does it matter if the purpose comes from inside out or from outside in? It’s you, August, it’s always been you.”

Someone is gasping for air. It could be both - knowing them, it probably is. Outside the window, the sun turns mellow, half-burnt, half on its way to a great and glorious grave.

“Turn around. Turn to me.”

August does.

#me forgetting to add a readmore sksksksks 4K WORDS BAYBAY #ban me #* ╰ [ holystone. ] ⏤ memes.#* ╰ [ 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙘𝙞𝙤𝙣. ] ⏤ ⁽ odnolyub. ⁾

3 notes · View notes