#you are COOKING here everyone get into it and read uhhhhh

[silverhalla]

reading someone say “Lucanis would devour her like taking communion” and realizing “ohhh, his guilt is so sexy because he’d be EXTREMELY catholic about it”

[aro-culture-is]

i’m like 99% sure you can ask for advice here so here goes

so, basically i have a queerplatonic/platonic crush on my band president. AND I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT KNOW HOW I DEAL WITH IT. so, for some context we started talking last year because i just joined the school and the bad and we started talking around mid-year and we weren’t that close orginally but there was this night we had a long, deep convo and after that we started to get really close. after two months, i started to have strong feelings for her (but not romantic) and i think it��s a platonic or queerplatonic crush and i didn’t really go to school and band that often for a while because of autoimmune disease and when i was there i tried not to make it seem like i’m too excited to see her which kinda makes me worried that she thinks i’m iggoring her but we text a lot so. anyway, even though we usually don’t interact irl that much [:(] we still do sometimes, and whenever my score has a rest i always look at her. especially when she has a solo. one time we went to experience this colleg band thing and i asked for a hug and she accepted❤️ i wanna hug her again. i do kinda wanna get touchy with her but not TOO MUCH, y’know? besides, i’m shy/nervous around her and anyway, she’s alloromantic. but anyway, today during our cca fair we kind of kept on kinda locking eyes (accidentally?? idk. but i know i was doing it on purpose) and it made my aromantic heart flutter

anyways so i don’t know what to do should i say i have a platonic/qpr crush on her? though i can’t tell which one it is…..

uhhhhh so, as a nonpartnering sort, I think I'm gonna give some general advice, and leave the specifics to the crowd.

broadly: do you know her views on queer stuff? could you casually bring up "oh, I was reading a queer story --", or if you know she's queer-friendly, "oh, out of curiosity, how many of the flags do you know?" type of stuff? Just, get a general vibe of her views of 1) queer people, 2) what she does and doesn't know or think she knows, and 3) if she knows about aromanticism, what she thinks it is and how she feels about aro folks.

I like to start there personally, because it gives you a lot better of a place to start a conversation about your own identity if you have a common ground on what feelings and definitions are being used. It's really easy, I find, for someone to confidently state they know what something is / what you mean, and be totally off base to the point that you're having totally separate conversations and don't even know it.

To use an example: in high school I had a friend who... lovingly, he grew up rich and sheltered, and probably only was not diagnosed as autistic because he was low support needs. His social skills were, lovingly again, as well informed as he could make them, but executed like a train wreck that most everyone attributed to "boy genius is a little weird". (He was, simultaneously, the heart throb of our school, and a lot of guys realized some queerness because of him, but that's a whole other funny story)

He was super nice about me coming out as trans, but clearly in a "he's confused but got the spirit" way. No idea what I meant, but he knew it meant a lot to me. A few weeks after that, he quietly admitted, "I thought it was about like, gender roles like cooking and cleaning and stuff, and I'm starting to get the impression I might not be right about that."

...

So, I now recommend everyone start with "let's get on the same page about what things mean" before having any big identity chats lol. It often leads to a quiet revelation on their side that you're guiding it to "Hi, I am that identity", but also puts it in a place where they're free to ask questions, and in my experience, treat it a little more thoughtfully and seriously than if it were a fly-by "heyyyyy i am aro and i am scared of this conversation, bye!" that can happen with enough anxiety. totally (/sarcasm) not speaking from experience.

hope that helps? from there, just... keep up communicating, leveling the knowledge field, and if a relationship is what you want, do the work. talk about what that means for you. ask what it means to her. talk about if that's compatible, and how conflicts might be navigated. if that goes well, congrats! if not, congrats! you've probably avoided the messier options, even if it isn't what you'd like.

[starblaze-the-traveler]

here!!!

why is it that every time I get a questionnaire about psychological stuff I get high "scores" for whatever I'm testing for (this is the fourth time already im not kidding)

But honestly this is both SO USEFUL and I'm also completely shocked after reading it entirely. LIKE WDYM SOME OF THOSE AREN'T JUST COMMON STUFF???? THERE WERE ALSO SOME VERY SPECIFIC ONES THAT MADE ME FEEL SO CALLED OUT ToT

Anyway thank you very much I was hoping you'd see the post and share your wisdom with me because I've seen you're incredibly knowledgeable and y'all were also kinda the main ppl that made me have The Realization™ 👉👈 keep spreading your wisdom it is very useful ฅ⁠^⁠•⁠ﻌ⁠•⁠^⁠ฅ

ANYWAYS we're kinda going to take a while to organize ourselves because we still can't recognize sometimes who's fronting (we're starting to figure it out me thinks) and such and uhhhhh we'll keep y'all updated soon enough and dw we're still the same we just know more stuff now and might not mask as often ･ᴗ･

This is kinda an official announcement of Me being plural??? idk everything fits and we identify with that a lot now that we have the exact definition so yeah ig 👍

The Internal Mind Council™ agreed therefore it is official 🔥🔥🔥🔥

Y'all can still call us Starblaze/Lolbit in general I just gonna warn you that we have 2 blorbos with these names as well (I'm one of them XD ) so we might cook up a new name in order to not get it confused (we also might procrastinate that forever because adhd) so yay nothing changed (also everyone's fine with he/him please keep using those)

We're all pretty new to this so it's still kinda scary and slightly off so I might keep using singular pronouns and terms when referring to myself a lot despite all this (we'll probably use both such as I'm doing rn). It's comfy also y'all don't need to call us by plural pronouns and terms we're fine with singular ones too so if you're confused, don't be afraid it's fine really. We're still the same just.. idk new thing??? Still Starblaze y'all know and probably despise :3

Fuck that was a lot of text mb </333

Tldr; we're plural pretty much also read last paragraph plz it's important :>

[vellichorom]

Fuck- I forgot to add the following question to the last one SLWNWKWBS

But uhm,,, I was just wondering how you do your sketch progress if I may ask?

I always find it interesting To see how artists do their sketches and put down the shapes to archive their wonderful artworks! (And I feel one can learn a lot from seeing the progress :0)

-💜🐈

OHH WELL, WHAT A QUESTION... 💕

i don't think i do it much differently than any other artist really... especially in more RECENT years when i've leaned more into more of a " traditional artist process " rather than just being the most insane person & drawing from nothing,

because i used to do that. no sketch, no skeleton, no regard for anatomy, no pillow, no NOTHING & let me tell you. i'm better mentally for changing that

( no nothing on the left vs used a presketch / skeleton / structure on the right )

okay maybe you can't tell because these were drawn years apart anyway BUT BELIEVE ME ONE OF THESE TOOK MORE PRE SETUP THAN THE OTHER & IT'S NOT THE ONE ON THE LEFT

hi everyone who's been with me since 2018

ANYWAY. THE CURRENT DAY PROCESS;

STEP 1 ) the " beta sketch "

my clients will Especially recognize this term & these shapes;

SEE HOW THIS LOOKS LIKE A LOT OF BULLSHIT NOTHINGNESS? i usually start with This Nonsense to get a good feel of the pose / situation i'm working with / to give a poor client working with me some idea of where i want to go with their request;

this is the starting phase to put an idea in everyone's heads but everything is plenty subject to change;

NOW, STEP 2 ) uhhhhh beta sketch part 2. thumbnailing maybe

NOW i start shaping the ball of clay i've birthed a little more, NOW i start taking anatomy, structure, the final positions & expressions into account according to how i or a client may want them;

this is the stage JUST before linework so the majority of changes are usually done Here. this is still obviously way messy but Much more coherent ( at least to people who are me ) & what i imagine professionals deliver to their clients first as to save time. i however have plenty of that & will harass you with every passing second

STEP 3 ) linework !!!

HOWEVER clean or messy it may be, this is the lineart stage! the second to last course! this is where the BIG SHIT goes down & everything falls into place; everything's WAY cleaned up, the picture is Almost done, & well- you get the idea,

STEP 4 ) heueheuhsijhruigrjhdihirednguerhgiudf DONE

this is where the final colors & details & SHADING & WHATEVER needs to be incorporated comes into play, OF WHICH INVOLVES LIKE 3 ADDITIONAL PROCESSES but i consider this just One Big Step considering it's all relative to me & i don't even stop to BREATHE once i hit this stage

& THEN WE END UP WITH THE FINISHED PRODUCT! just like that!

of course, it maybe takes a bit LESS depending on the seriousness / level of detail necessary for each piece, maybe i feel more than confident to skip right to the lineart & cook, BUT THIS is USUALLY how the process goes!

& i'm sure there's someone out there who probably laughs at me & thinks they can do better or quicker or sexier & TO THAT I SAY

ok cool

MAY THIS HAVE BEEN AN ENTERTAINING & / OR INTERESTING READ FOR YOU! because god knows i have as much trouble explaining this as any marvelous thing i do

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CURIOSITY!

[alex-the-farmer]

(Wow. I really am doing a bad job of keeping up... I didn't even notice half of the people I know in real life on here had made accounts... Embarrassing. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm fully taking the 'social' out of social media.)

I was doing a bit of reading and found out how to make treats for different animals. (I already do a lot of cooking and baking and the like for one of my jobs, so I guess it just came to mind.) I'm thinking of doing that in preparation for the next time I'm on the farmlands. I've looked into what everyone there can't eat, but is there anything you just try not to feed them or anything they particularly like?

~ @crimson--phantom (Clara Loveday.)

don feel bad Clara, shit happens. i ain't near as active on here as I could be, but runnin the farm takes time and there's only so many hours in a day

bout the animals tho.... it depends on them individually I think

like this pigs will damn near eat anything they can get their mouth around, so I try to just keep plastic n shit away from em. i try to keep em on a more healthy diet since they can be a lil piggy sometimes heh

uhhhhh horses? i follow a good diet for em, standard stuff, but for treats usually fruits, things like apples, bananas, melons, that kinda shit

oddly enough the cows really like turnips for whatever fuckin reason. don't ask me why or how, I don't fuckin know

and for the chickens sometimes i find bugs to throw to em. not sure how you can cook anythin with that, but they do like their creepy crawlies

oh and for the dogs i usually give em cooked chicken as a treat. chicken bones are too brittle, so I usually boil those for broth rather than feedin em to the dogs, but they can have cooked chicken. not to much tho, I'm afraid they'll go after the live ones if they get to much of a taste for it

[satanicspinosaurus]

(Reaction below, but go read this! It's a super sweet fic at its core about sharing a meal.)

> honestly I just wanted to write this exact scene as is but then the idea uhhhhh well it got away from me

Never apologize for supersizing my fluff order 

>“But me,” he sneers, “cooking? Beyond humiliating." I am chewing on if this is actually his feelings or like, adjacent to feeling like a servant a la Cazador or like dramatic bastard.exe, or perhaps even I like to think him being concerned that most of the party was recently dead. You know, snark to avoid feelings and all. I do love the idea that Astarion will use the “pets” as an audience. Dramatic efl. 

> Scratch soon joins, too, never one to miss out on affection offered freely, and so Astarion has to alternate between petting them both. As he bakes dinner. For everyone in camp but himself.

Oh the contrast. :c Give the boy a hug!!!

> “Can you?”

I am reminded having read through Halsin’s voice lines, that his neutral responses are kind of brutal. Like dang. 

> Astarion found himself directed to a meager stash of ingredients—because the bigger one is located in Gale’s pocket dimension for preserving any and all food, which they now cannot access with the wizard comatose.

This is a nightmare to me as a cook. 

>He’d thrown in the spices they had as well, and by the way the meat smelled, he’d added just the right concoction of those. You can’t smell salt unless it’s really badly over-salted. Blood is actually salty (its salter than seawater fwi) so he might also be right fucked up from that. 

>He hopes, though he’s loath to admit it to himself, that Tav enjoys it, at least.

Oh no, he’s starting to care. Poor baby. 

> It’s then that Astarion cuts in with the announcement that dinner seems to be, by all means, ready. Oh I love dialgoue without tags like this. You got his cadence so well! 

> Gale scowls, unable to accept that they decided to ‘trust dinner to a vampire whose diet only consists of blood and self-glorification,’ rather than wait for his rather lengthy return from nigh-eternal sleep. 

I love Gale. You got his hubris right here. 

> “Hm. Neither did I, but by Vlaakith, it truly does taste… palatable.”

You know, in some cultures, that is high praise. (Not too sweet being a high compliment, for example.) I feel like the Gith would be like that. I think the hesitancy is Lae’zel being afraid to offer up such a sincere compliment. :P

> “Did you steal it?”

I love this section of “our himbo cooked something….HOW”. This was my favorite one. 

> “Then how?” Gale frowns, chewing slowly, so evidently confused as to why he isn’t disgusted by it. OK, this one might be my favorite. Gale’s hubris is so charming to me, IDK what’s wrong with me. 

> “When his father was ever so busy with magistrate business, begging his only son to support his mother in any way he could at home while he worked his way up, growing desperate as their family fortune dwindled. “ Damn. So yeah, I think about Astarion having a charlan background in his official DnD sheet and this is a lovely way to say it. Him being from a family of graspers with back luck makes sense. It’s also tragic because yeah, food is often one of the last memories we lose. It must be horrible to remember you had people you loved this way but can’t remember who they were. Just how much you cared. > Seems like he’s valued after all.

Ah, there’s those insecurity issues! 

> “Oh! Remember that time you crushed me—and Gale by the way—with that bloody sun temple?”

XD 

> ““It’s. Well. Uh. I can taste it.” As an Ace, I cannot think of a higher expression of love than letting a vampire get to enjoy garlic bread again. 

> Tav sneaks a glance at the others, who are all doing a rather piss poor job of ignoring Tav and Astarion’s little moment of closeness. Yeah, there is no healthy boundaries in a camp like this, lol.

Seriously though- how did my little ace heart not thinking about garlic bread???

Could you write something about astarion getting to eat a dish with garlic in it for the first time since he became a vampire?

I assume that the tadpole would let him do that and think getting to experience food youre basically allergic to again is an experience.

Maybe it doesnt taste the way he remembers and doesnt compare to memory (based on my experience with milk based products)

Delectable Treats

A/N: honestly I just wanted to write this exact scene as is but then the idea uhhhhh well it got away from me XD not quite into crack territory (hopefully) but definitely there with a hefty dose of humor and fluff🥺 hope you enjoy✨

Rating: T | Pairing: Astarion/Male Tav | Words: 2,362

Tags: Humor, Fluff, Banter, Astarion Being Astarion, Astarion POV, Appropriate Use of Illithid Parasite Powers

Summary:

Astarion lets out the heaviest sigh he can manage, making it all kinds of dramatic; he has an audience after all. He turns to said audience, looking them straight in the eyes, and says, “Can you believe I’ve been relegated to this? By my own lover, no less.” He only gets a headshake and a slow blink in reply. “Have you nothing to say about my misfortune? At all?"

Or, after a violent altercation that leaves most of the crew dead or incapacitated, Astarion ends up cooking dinner for the newly healed and revivified. It goes as well as you… wouldn't expect, really.

Read on AO3 or under the cut ↓

Astarion lets out the heaviest sigh he can manage, making it all kinds of dramatic. He has an audience after all. He turns to said audience, looking them straight in the eyes, and says,

“Can you believe I’ve been relegated to this? By my own lover, no less.” He only gets a headshake and a slow blink in reply. “Have you nothing to say about my misfortune? At all? And this is after all the treats I’ve given you! Scratch? Tara?”

Scratch barks at him, circling around himself a few times as he wags his tail. Tara keeps staring at him with a calm, collected expression which Astarion can swear is almost sympathetic. She then allows a gentle, drawn-out meow.

“I mean, it’s like we’re just tools for them, aren’t we?” Astarion goes on, lifting the lid to check on his… experiment. Seems fine, for now at least. “You, Scratch, ever bound to chase that muddied pathetic excuse for a ball—remind me to buy a new one next time we’re out, by the way.”

He focuses once more on the spell he has active, heating the metal contraption further as the time is just about up.

“And you, Tara—are you forever fated to hunt down rare scrolls for Gale and be his comfort object?” Astarion goes on. “Well, I mean, that is what cats are—”

Tara cuts him off with a hiss.

“—I mean, tressyms are for, of course.” Tara’s hiss melds into a threatening growl, which Astarion completely ignores. “But me,” he sneers, “cooking? Beyond humiliating."

Scratch barks his agreement. Tara flaps her wings in another half-hearted threat, before sliding closer to Astarion, no doubt asking for apologetic pets.

With another painstaking sigh, Astarion relents, running his hands through her soft fur. Scratch soon joins, too, never one to miss out on affection offered freely, and so Astarion has to alternate between petting them both. As he bakes dinner. For everyone in camp but himself. 

Astarion supposes it's kind of his own fault for not keeping his mouth shut but he prefers to blame everyone else anyway. Shadowheart for casting her new 'blessing' of a protection spell on them before their party left. Clueless herself that the spell would deal damage to her for every wound the targets suffer, and so she just up and died spontaneously while staying back at camp. Lae’zel up next, killed by a far-too-lucky blast to the head. Gale drained dry of almost all life within him with a necrotic energy so strong that Tav's Counterspell did nothing against it. Karlach and Wyll both trapped by Hold Person and hit by a rock—luckily not quite killed, but very much incapacitated.

The Underdark truly was a place too dark and full to the brim with terrors.

Astarion and Tav managed to avoid most of the damage; Astarion by hiding and Tav with a Globe of Invulnerability that came into effect far too late to protect the others. And so, the both of them ended up dragging dead and disfigured bodies of their friends back to camp, where Halsin, a newly resurrected Shadowheart, and Tav tended to the wounded—and Withers to the dead. The quite gory sight made even Astarion uncomfortable, the spilled blood not inducing any hunger, just crippling anxiety for those he has come to call friends.

“I suppose dinner will have to wait,” Halsin says somewhat grimly, somewhat as a joke as he takes in the gravity of the situation.

“If it’s not anything difficult,” some doubtless evil force prompted Astarion to say, “I can take care of that.”

“Can you?” 

“Really?”

And suddenly, Astarion found himself directed to a meager stash of ingredients—because the bigger one is located in Gale’s pocket dimension for preserving any and all food, which they now cannot access with the wizard comatose. It’s how he finds himself here, now, opening the metal contraption serving as a poor substitute for an oven, kept hot continuously by a Heat Metal spell Tav modified to run past its one-minute time limit. Lying there on the makeshift cooking trays is perfectly cooked, aromatic garlic bread along with a few hefty pieces of beef lathered with the variety of vegetables Astarion had found in the stash. He’d thrown in the spices they had as well, and by the way the meat smelled, he’d added just the right concoction of those.

This is absolute insanity, Astarion decides. Though he can’t help but feel strangely satisfied with his efforts. He hopes, though he’s loath to admit it to himself, that Tav enjoys it, at least.

It all starts to seem even more like a fever dream as Astarion returns to the campfire to find all of his companions in an adequate state of healed or revivified. Some drinking water, some leaning hard on the booze. 

“My painkiller,” Wyll insists, holding tight to his wine bottle. 

“Give it back and eat first,” Shadowheart reprimands him, herself still looking more like a walking corpse than a living being. 

It’s then that Astarion cuts in with the announcement that dinner seems to be, by all means, ready.

There’s skepticism, at first. Gale scowls, unable to accept that they decided to ‘trust dinner to a vampire whose diet only consists of blood and self-glorification,’ rather than wait for his rather lengthy return from nigh-eternal sleep. Tav smiles as he cuts himself his share, but the smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes, the look in them a bit apprehensive. Karlach says, well, they’ve gotten through the sheer hell sprung up on them in the Underdark, they can survive food poisoning, right?

Astarion simply lounges with his head on Tav’s lap in their childish-looking circle around the fire, wishing he could drop dead a second time in his increasingly agonizing existence. Preferably right there on the spot.

Though when Tav runs his hands through Astarion’s hair, the touch soft, and warm, and perfect—Astarion thinks that maybe that’s payment enough for enduring all this slander.

“I’ll remind you,” he says, waving in Tav and Halsin’s direction, “that you explicitly asked for this.”

“Wait, listen!” Karlach’s eyes grow wide. “Holy hells, this is actually good!”

“What?” and that’s Gale, “I don’t believe it.”

“Hm. Neither did I, but by Vlaakith, it truly does taste… palatable.”

“Palatable? The bread is fucking delicious! Astarion, how did you manage it?”

“Is it a flavor illusion?”

“Did you steal it?”

“Did you hire one of your ghouls to do it?”

“No, ghouls wouldn’t know how to cook, Tav, stop acting the idiot. But maybe he has some imprisoned, tortured chef we’re unaware of?”

“Honestly, sweet Shadowheart.” Astarion lifts his hand to his chest in mock offense. “I would never stoop so low.”

“Then how?” Gale frowns, chewing slowly, so evidently confused as to why he isn’t disgusted by it.

Astarion only grins. “Trade secret.” Mentioning nothing of how he was himself quite concerned about the end result. He hasn’t cooked anything in hundreds of years—what felt like eternity, really. 

But there was a time—and the memory of that time is too precious and painful to be lost even to Cazador’s hold. A time when his mother fell ill of a magical ailment that required a most complex and lengthy treatment. When his father was ever so busy with magistrate business, begging his only son to support his mother in any way he could at home while he worked his way up, growing desperate as their family fortune dwindled. And so, Astarion had to learn to cook from scratch, opting for baking and boiling with just the right concoction of spices to make even laughably simple meals tasty nonetheless. Something his mother could stomach even during the most severe fevers and his father would eat cold as he returned from late nights at the office. Astarion barely remembers either of their faces, barely allows himself to utter their names in his mind, but these flashes of memory stay etched too deep into his brain to be forgotten.

“Well, I admit it,” Wyll says then, returning Astarion’s attention to the present. “I owe you an apology for the mistrust, Astarion. But I honestly thought this would taste like ashes in my mouth.”

“It would only taste like that to me,” Astarion says, “don’t you worry.”

“Oh!” Tav throws him a strange look. Astarion still can’t quite get used to the beauty of those eyes, especially as they reflect the firelight, blue and green reflecting the flame’s auburn hue. “I just wanted to offer you to try. I—I forgot, sorry.”

Astarion shrugs. “No need to apologize, darling,” he mutters, “it's my burden to bear.”

“But it’s literally melting in my mouth, it’s that good!” Karlach persists, quite loudly.

“I’d say it might just be because of the…” Shadowheart motions at the entirety of Karlach. “The heat, but I agree.”

And so commences another round of compliments Astarion can’t quite deny are lifting his mood.

Well. Seems like he’s valued after all. He sees Scratch and Tara watching him through half-lidded eyes as they doze by the fire. Envious, no doubt.

“Listen,” Tav says suddenly, putting away his plate, the food just half-finished.

Astarion asks, “Something wrong?” from where he’s still resting on Tav’s lap.

“Not at all.” Tav has that dangerous glint in his eyes, the same one he gets when he’s describing a new terrifying way he’s bent metamagic to do his (sometimes downright insane) bidding. “I was just thinking.”

“Quite dangerous for us all,” Astarion remarks, lifting himself up to sit facing his lover, “if you’re thinking of doing something… questionable again.”

“When have I ever made a so-called ‘questionable’ choice, love?”

“Oh! Remember that time you crushed me—and Gale by the way—with that bloody sun temple?”

“Anyway.” Tav averts his eyes. Astarion is glad to see he’s still embarrassed about that particular debacle. “What I was thinking is that… the tadpoles allow us to read each other's thoughts, yes? And use the other’s senses—I mean it worked when I showed you your face, right?”

Astarion’s already slow enough heart skips a drawn-out beat as he remembers. Connected to Tav’s mind, resonant with his soul, seeing through his eyes: a reflection Astarion has all but forgotten. Silver curls framing a face that seemed so new yet painfully familiar. Red eyes staring back at him—a prettier shade than the gory blood-red he’s always imagined.

“I remember,” he says, “how could I forget? You insist on showing it to me every day.”

Tav smiles. “Because it makes you happy.” And Astarion can’t help but smile in turn. It does.

Tav opens his mouth as if to say something, then thinks better of it. Chews on his lip, considering. Then finally asks, “Let me in?”

Astarion frowns at the proposition, still unsure of what Tav has on his mind. But he’s long gotten over the initial distrust he harbored. There really is no going back, Astarion supposes, now that he’s shown his cards and revealed just how much he cherishes Tav, relishes his closeness. How thankful he is for Tav's painfully earnest sympathy regarding Astarion’s past interfering with the present. His patience is another precious gift, as Astarion grows used to the simplest touches once more, just now comfortable with all kinds of intimacy that don’t quite lead further, thoroughly enjoying the chastest of kisses.

And so, “All right,” Astarion says. Closes his eyes and opens his mind to Tav’s.

It feels familiar, a rush of warmth that makes him shudder. A foreign presence in his thoughts that’s welcomed, because it comes with peace and no hint of deception.

“Open your eyes,” Tav prompts, then. Astarion does—only to see Tav offering him a piece of the garlic bread from his plate.

“I can’t—”

“Just try it.”

Frowning, quite confused, Astarion still accepts the piece. Takes a tiny bite and—

“Oh.” His eyes grow wide. “Hells. What the?..”

“It worked?” And Tav is smiling at him, that childlike joy illuminating his face as it so often does. “I supposed that the senses we share through the connection aren't just limited to sight. It could be taste as well. How is it?”

“Erm,” Astarion himself is quite speechless, too focused on the taste buds that are finally working the way they’re supposed to. The bread is sweet-tinged with a slightly salty base, so soft it melts on his tongue, buttery but not overly so. “It’s. Well. Uh. I can taste it. ”

“You can.”

“It’s… strange. Such a… unique flavor. I don’t even have a memory to compare it to,” Astarion muses, treating himself to another bite. "It's quite like I'm trying it for the first time." He mirrors Tav’s smile unconsciously, feeling a giddy kind of happiness bubbling in his chest. He can’t quite tell whose it is. Maybe it stems from them both. “But actually—it’s delectable, if I say so myself.”

“See what I mean?” Gale grumbles from someplace too far off to bother Astarion’s reverie. “Thrives on self-glorification.”

“Thank you, my love.” Astarion leans in for a gentle kiss. Draws it out, moving his lips softly against Tav’s, melding their thoughts so that what forms is one unified feeling of contentment. Happiness. Love—the most delightful gift Astarion’s been given. “Still, you make my life all the better,” Astarion whispers as he draws away. “You treat me so kindly and yet ask for no favors in return. I’m feeling increasingly guilty about it, truth be told.”

“Don’t.” Tav shakes his head. “You don’t owe me anything. Your happiness is a reward precious enough.”

“And how do I make you happy?” Astarion demands. “Right now, this very moment?”

Tav sneaks a glance at the others, who are all doing a rather piss poor job of ignoring Tav and Astarion’s little moment of closeness.

“Let’s get away,” Tav suggests, voice barely above a whisper. “Enjoy dinner in private. If I get a few more of those kisses out of you—I might just be the luckiest person alive.”

“Darling.” Astarion grins at the idea, though Tav must already feel his excitement through their connection. “Nothing would please me more.”

~~~

thank you for the read💙 I'd love to hear your thoughts if you enjoyed it!🥺

tag list (lmk if you'd like to be added!):

@spacebarbarianweird, @satanicspinosaurus, @tallymonster, @tragedybunny

[doppopoppo]

Could I get uhhhhh number 5 with Usahara? Pls and thank

Perfect Match?

|| Usahara Daily Headcanon ||

|| Warnings: None ||

|| Usahara • GN!Reader ||

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*💖

Part of the Halloween costume party guideline was to wear face masks. Something about “hiding our identities” said Derkida. However, it was extremely easy to recognize some of my coworkers even with their masks. Uramichi’s desolate demeanor seeped through any disguise honestly. Kikaku was well, Kikaku. While Utano rejected the game since she already has a boyfriend. I’m sure she could’ve still joined the fun but no ones interested in dancing with someone they may not know.

I wasn’t sure where Kumatani and Usahara were, so I did my best to find someone of their height. Who knew we had rather tall coworkers. Sitting alone at the table became boring and watching Utano cry while singing was plain sad. Fortunately, not long after the questionnaires were distributed to us.

I wonder what kind of answer Uramichi or Eddie would give. I rather lie and get paired up with them than someone I didn’t know. Or Uebu, but I can’t even tell if he came or not.

What quality do you think is best in a partner?

- Honesty - Humor - Charm

What aspect should a partner have?

- Money -Loyalty - Cooking skills

What do you do during your free time?

- Play games - Read class novels - Go out

Do you like savory or sweet?

- Savory - Sweet

Favorite animal?

- Cat - Dog - Bunny - Bear

Do you prefer tea or coffee?

- Tea - Coffee

That wasn’t too bad. Though I might’ve lied about one or two things, maybe three. I just wanted to put whatever answers Uramichi might’ve put honestly. Maybe he wouldn’t have put ‘bunny,’ but a cat. They’re a lot less work to take care of. Ugh, whoever I get I just hope they’re not a creep.

“Okay! Well reveal the matchups!” Utano cheerfully announced.

Someone sitting on your table sighed, “can we just get this over with?”

‘You and I both, buddy. You and I both.’ I thought to myself.

Everyone received a little card with a number on it. Whoever has the matching number is your partner for the night. I walked around and spotted Uramichi hiding behind a plant by the corner. I quickly walked strutted over, hoping he had the same number as I did. He looked so defeated despite doing nothing and nothing happened to him.

“What number do you have?” I peaked over his buff arm.

“26417…” he sighed. “You?” He looked my way.

I felt deflated, “26465.” So close!

“Good luck.” He patted my back.

“Thanks. Scoot over a little. Your arm is sticking out.” I walked away.

I leaned against the stairs railing. Not bad, I rather hangout by myself than dance with a stranger. I felt someone standing next to me.

“Trouble finding your partner?” He spoke. His voice sounded calming.

“Yup.” I answered. “Same here.” He ruffled his hair.

Under the dark lights, it was difficult to tell what color it was. I couldn’t figure out which one of my coworkers I was speaking to.

“What’s your number?” I bet he was trying his shot. Might as well. What are the odds anyway?

“26465.” I told him. “You're smiling and I’m scared to find out why.” I backed away a little.

He showed me his card. I sucked in my breath, “I’m 26465 too!”

I chuckled nervously, “what are the odds…”

“Well, shall we dance, partner?” He bowed.

At least he’s a gentleman, “sure.”

At least he wasn’t a bad dancer. So far I’m having a pleasant time on the dance floor. He complimented my dancing which is a plus point. Except maybe not that smugness weaves into his tone.

When the slow song came on, some partners decided to do the traditional slow dance while others proceeded to dance woth some distance. Good choice, never know who you’re dancing with. Unfortunately, 26465 decided to pull me in. All I could do is offer him a tight smile. While dancing, the spotlights began moving around. That’s when I caught a glimpse of his hair. Blonde streaks! There’s only one guy I know with blonde streaks at the work and it’s the last hopping boy I wanted to be paired with!

I pulled on his arm and tugged him to the corner by a plant. “Usahara??” I whispered yelled.

“Shhh, Y/N, it’s supposed to be a secret.” Usahara shushed me. Wait a minute. “You know it’s me?” I stared at him bewildered.

“Of course I recognize that figure and dancing skills anywhere, Dancer oneechan~.” He cood at me. How could I have not noticed sooner?

“How’d I even get paired with you?” I groaned.

“We put the same exact answers.” He replied ecstatically.

“But you gamble!” I pointed out. “How could you have put ‘honesty’ as a trait for someone. And ‘reading classic novels’?? You don’t read.” I tapped my foot.

“I lied okay.” He admitted. “I just wanted to be paired with someone good. And I was.” He smiled.

I blushed but that didn’t mean it was okay to lie. Well… I lied too, “fine. I guess we’re both in the same coffin. I lied too.” I sheepishly admitted. “It’s our lie that matched us up!” Usahara jokes.

From the corner behind the plant, Uramichi sulks as hears how awful Usahara’s pick up lines are. He prays for Y/N’s safety and hopes her common sense stays intact after tonight.

Author’s Note:

GUESS WHOS BACK FROM THE PITS OF DEATH CUTIES!!! A decent writer, that’s who! I’m back for a bit, school and interning really drained it out of me.

It’s finals and I’m almost done so what better way to celebrate then to use my newly found free time to finish up the extremely overdue requests! I’m sorry a few of you didn’t get your requests in time for Spooktober.

I do have a few more left to post, after that I’ll be taking more requests! I’ll have the free time to handle it. I hope you’re all still enjoying yourselves and have been well ^_^ please feel free to send me any asks in my inbox (not requests) but perhaps questions and such. Would love to interact with my followers! 🥺 can be about anything related to anime or a simple how are you!

Enjoy! 💖

[shortkingvi]

the team rwby girls for the ask meme :)

alright settle in kids,,,,,,, let's do this one

Ruby:

favorite thing about them

just,,,,,, how good she is,,,,, the way they've managed to portray her growing up super well while also keeping that distinct innocence and childhood optimism about her is what makes ruby such a wonderful protag i think, and i really really love how, at the end of the day, she is just good, you know?

least favorite thing about them

this is moreso a plot/writing thing, but i don't always LOVE how she just has plans ready and is always the one to figure things out,,,,,, i understand plot armour and protag themes and whatnot, but i wish that they'd make the route to a plan a LITTLE more complex at times and i think a lot of that rests on ruby specifically

favorite line

"you were, and then you trained us"

GOD when she said this line????? i screamed it's SO good

brOTP

give me more nora and ruby interactions crwby i'm begging

OTP

nuts n dolts 😭 my beloved

nOTP

aside from the obvious ones? maybe wh*terose??? i don't HATE it, i just don't really get it u know?

random headcanon

enby ruby,,,,,,, also maybe she builds lego too

unpopular opinion

i don't listen to anyone ever so i don't know what's unpopular but uhhhhhh,,,,,, i guess i'm not crazy about people desperately searching for a pairing for her??? as much as i love nnd, i'd much rather ruby have ruby stay single through the show because i just feel like it makes more sense re: her character

also some of the pairings ppl think up are SO bad

song i associate with them

over the line - state champs,,,,,,, i cannot explain it, it just IS

favorite picture of them

her fucking SMUG face when she fell off the bridge i love it

Weiss:

favorite thing about them

man just like,,,,,,, so much,,,,,,, her dedication to PEOPLE in particular is so beautiful. she grew up with not a lot of love expressed freely and so the way she treats the people in her life now that she's grown and found safety is so endearing because she handles everyone with such care

least favorite thing about them

the fact that they haven't given her a dramatic anime protag haircut yet

favorite line

"i don't know loneliness like you do, i have my own version"

had to stop and absorb that one the first time i heard it,,,,,,, oof

brOTP

freezerburn babeyyyyyyyyyyyyy

OTP

schneekos,,,,, i pray to my schneekos shrine every night and am currently planning a fic about them

nOTP

🐝🐝❄️

random headcanon

trans weiss is my big one,,,,,, also she loves baking but is a horrible cook

unpopular opinion

hate it when she sings,,,,,,, this is moreso because i just can't handle characters/actors singing without cringing violently,,,,,,, leave me alone

song i associate with them

VOID - lil nas x,,,,,,, v much introspective weiss, lonely weiss, v4 weiss etc.

bonus: where i wanna be - A R I Z O N A is a weiss to pyrrha schneekos song

favorite picture of them

it's just a really beautifully animated scene

also when u realize that's pyrrha spear it gets way sadder ok bye

Blake:

favorite thing about them

might honestly die trying to answer this because, as much as i don't talk about her indvidually, she's SUCH an excellent character,,,,,,, i think her dedication to her friends and her ability to read emotions is really wonderful and always so refreshing

least favorite thing about them

no kiss yang yet >:(

jk maybe how type b she's become? i'd like to see her take some more leadership roles in the upcoming seasons rather than just kinda going with the flow, because she's a good leader and that should be a plot device that's utilized more

favorite line

"but that's just it... they're only a part of you. don't forget about the rest"

i just love it so much

brOTP

ladybug,,,,,, i LOVE ladybug

OTP

don't have one 😔 wish i did tho :(

nOTP

🐝🐝❄️

random headcanon

blake is an online shopper and has to be controlled by the team because she spends too much on the daily

unpopular opinion

maybe that i don't think she truly recognized and acknowledged her feelings for yang FULLY until like,,,,,,,, v6? i think she was in denial before then

song i associate with them

it's gonna be okay, baby - MUNA,,,,,,, just listen to it and agree with me thanks

favorite picture of them

bestie that's GAY

Yang:

favorite thing about them

GOD,,,,,, i latched onto her so quickly so this is hard but uhhhhh, i love that she effortlessly switches between team mom and team child depending on what role she needs to play at the time,,,,, i think that flexibility makes her the biggest team player in the show (which is all about teams so that's saying something)

least favorite thing about them

how her passion is sometimes seen as straight up brashness or naivety,,,,, i think she's not always the best communicator so it can seem like she's not thinking at times even though she's very methodical

favorite line

"if there's a chance of reward money, i say we go for it"

not my FAVOURITE favourite, but i love that she was willing to sell weiss at the drop of a hat

brOTP

either freezerburn or her and coco

OTP

again,,,,,, wish i had one 😞

nOTP

her and any man,,,,,,, also what i listed above

random headcanon

summer used to do her hair for her which is why she's so sensitive about people touching it now

unpopular opinion

she's not,,,,,, stupid lol and i feel like a lot of the fandom loves to pretend she is

song i associate with them

have you seen my son - benjamin booker

idk man, just trust me on this

favorite picture of them

we peaked right here in this moment

send me a character!

[nctinthehouse]

Embarrassment...?

wc: 0.9k

AN: Anyone been having weird dreams lately??? I’ve been having some questionable ones and this is just one of them heh. Maybe not as weird as the other ones I’ve been having though lol... Anyways... I hope you enjoy reading this!

damn it, why couldn’t it be friday today? You think to yourself as you’re sitting on the train going home from work

You’ve had a really long day at work today; so tired that you start to feel yourself dozing off, leaning your head to the pillar next to you.

just one more day y/n. just one more day.

Meanwhile the train is approaching one of the busier stops especially during this time of day where many people like you, are also just waiting for Friday to roll around; waiting for the weekend to come.

Doyoung gets on the train. Like you, he himself had a long day, tired from work. He wanted to rest his legs somewhere and he’s looking around to find an empty seat. No luck. So he walks further down the carriage to find one and spots a seat next to you. Before taking a seat, he glances at you and furrows his brows in confusion.

Turns out you got a bit of drool coming out from your slightly parted lips.

Feeling a presence next to you, you immediately wake up and sit up properly and turn to Doyoung who’s smiling sheepishly at you. He gestures towards your mouth and you realise what he meant.

You stare at him with wide eyes and grimace while Doyoung giggles at you

“hhh sorry...”

You immediately wipe the drool of your face and look down on the floor and think to yourself

wow y/n gosh you’re so embarrassing

You decide to listen to music to try and forget what just happened

Minding your own business, your eyes start wandering around. At your shoes, the adverts on the trains, the now empty seat in front of you, the views outside, the handsome stranger sitting beside you.

At that moment, you realised just how handsome and good looking this guy is, like damn.

His side profile,

those eyes

nose

lips

cheek

jaw...

Doyoung feels a pair of eyes on him and looks to his side to see you staring at him

You look at him with wide eyes again

oh no he caught me quick y/n stop staring look away

You quickly whip your head away from him, immediately feeling embarrassed. Again.

You stare at the floor as you can feel your face heating up. The voice in your head telling you off

wow well done y/n

drooling in front of a handsome stranger and now caught staring at them no wonder you’re single

While you’re being told off by your own voices in your head, Doyoung has been stealing glances at you. Turns out he’s been doing the same too. He thinks to himself

cute

As you’re getting lost in your thoughts, you didn’t realise that the train had stopped at your station and the doors had opened. Luckily, you caught on so you quickly get up and get out of the train.

〰〰〰

【 next day 】

〰〰〰

FINALLY. IT’S FRIDAY.

Work is finished for the day and for the week. You’re in a much better mood compared to yesterday. You can’t wait to go home, change into your pjs, cook some delicious dinner (or order takeout if you’re feeling lazy), draw out a nice warm bath. How relaxing.

Packing up your stuff from the desk, you head to the train station

Train is packed as usual, but you didn’t mind it on Fridays. You’re occupied on your phone until someone takes a seat next to you.

And what are the chances! It’s that handsome stranger from yesterday

Doyoung raises his brows at you

“oh hey! no drool today?”

“oh my god. you didn’t see anything yesterday, okay?” you say as you facepalm yourself

He smiles and says

“ok i didn’t see anything”

“you seem in a much better mood today”

You shrug your shoulders and smile

“it’s Friday, who isn’t?”

Extending his arm out to you, he introduces himself

“i’m Doyoung, nice to meet you”

“i’m Y/N, nice to meet you too”

wow his hand is so soft i wonder what cream he uses

Your hand lingers on his for too long before pulling your hand away quickly

“sorry” you mumble

Doyoung lets out a small laugh and you guys talk about random topics until the train gets to your stop

〰〰〰

Your stop is here, so you and Doyoung say your goodbyes and hope to see each other again soon before getting off the train. The doors are about to close when suddenly, Doyoung sprints up from his seat and manages to get out of the train before the doors shut on him.

He spots you and runs up to you and tugs your arm

“hey wait!”

Startled, you whip your head around and before realising it’s Doyoung. You tilt your head to the side and look at him with furrowed brows

“uhhh is everything ok?”

Letting go of your arm, he starts fidgeting with the buttons of his blazer, letting out a deep breath

“y-yeah um... i-i was wondering whether you would like to grab a drink with me...?”

“what?” as you look at him with wide eyes

wait is he asking me out?

Thinking he offended you or that you didn’t really want to because of your expression, he quickly says

“uhhhhh i-i mean it’s ok if you say no and you probably have pla-”

But you weren’t offended or anything. You were just thrown off by his question, you didn’t expect that to happen, you were getting giddy inside actually.

You cut him off, smiling at him and say

“sure, i’d love to”

Doyoung smiles back at you then you guys head to a nearby cafe to get those drinks

this is much better than what i had planned for the evening

« end »

AN: Thanks for reading until the end! I have something planned for sometime in April (hopefully if all goes well) and I can’t wait to share it with everyone, so be sure to keep an eye on that! As always my inbox/ask is open to any questions, feedback or if you want to drop a message 💚

masterlist

[lilypixels]

...............all of them.....?

It took me an hr to do this....🥲💀

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Teacupsss

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Lollipops

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Uhhh cotton candy

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

Probably quiet and smart lol I did my school work and was friendly with everyone so I was a favorite and heard all the nice things 🙈

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

I kinda like bottles more but like the glass ones with the caps that could slice your fingers-

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

I’m for all but sports lol

7. earbuds or headphones?

Earbuds

8. movies or tv shows?

Shows cause I’m the type to watch an hr long episode vs hr long movie idk why but I’m rarely in mood for them

12. name of your favorite playlist?

Drop the beat (ie songs that are upbeat and I like most)

13. lanyard or key ring?

Hmm...I guess lanyard?

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Skittles or twizzlers

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

I had lots I had to read in school but only ever finished a handful lol my favorite I think was maybe Macbeth? I would say Odyssey but I don’t think we read the full thing cause I remember being disappointed about something like that...

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Sitting with my legs bent up in seat with me in some way

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

Converse and some nice but cheap sneakers from Walmart

18. ideal weather?

Not too hot, not too cold, mild like before/after a rain (most the time), idc if it’s raining or sunny but as long as temp is comfortable I’m fine

19. sleeping position?

On my side most often

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Phone and notebook

21. obsession from childhood?

Oh gosh uhhh I guess my like of dolls maybe? Or obsession with anything ✨unexplained✨ like ghosts, aliens, cryptids, etc

22. role model?

Kim Namjoon lol just kidding (sorta)

23. strange habits?

Ok I know I have some and my friends would be more than happy to point them all out but hm let me think...idk if these count as habits but I’ll never place a mirror facing a bed (this is more superstitious I guess than habit,,,) I can’t stand my food touching, if I have a tray like in cafeteria I have a certain spot for everything and uh my mind just went blank-

24. favorite crystal?

Moonstone, lapis lazuli, and I feel obligated to say garnet cause it’s my birthstone

25. first song you remember hearing?

Circle of Life maybe who knows xD

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Walk or clean,,I’m more active and about with warm/nice weather

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

...stay inside where it’s warm

28. five songs to describe you?

Not this again😭 uhhh idk you tell me ajdbd

29. best way to bond with you?

Indulge me when I go off about things I like or learn 😔✊ I know I’ll talk your ear off and I’m sorry but know I don’t often talk about these things with people so once I start it’s hard to stop,,and it makes me really happy when people do listen to me about these things and send me related items every so often or even look into it themselves to learn more 🥺

30. places that you find sacred?

For some reason this feels like a trick question...um cemeteries and anything with ages of history I guess

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

Oof do I really have a true outfit?? I have shoes for this which are just black platform sneakers I call stomping shoes

32. top five favorite vines?

I never,,,watched these,,,

33. most used phrase in your phone?

“Yes”...?

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

State Farm and McDonald’s, always

35. average time you fall asleep?

10-11...usually...

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

Uhhh that one with the ginger dude (I think it was someone’s yearbook photo??) I don’t remember much else about the meme but it was on ifunny, or whatever the app was, a lot

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

Suitcase

38. lemonade or tea?

Easy, tea

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

...neither

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

Dude these questions really testing my brain power here- for senior prank someone put cereal in some bathroom sinks I think

41. last person you texted?

My mom

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

I’m gonna say jacket since I wear those often

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

Hoodie or cardigan

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Fantasy

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

Usually whatever shirt I’m wearing that day and some pj/lounge pants 🤷

47. favorite type of cheese?

Mozzarella

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

I-what kind of question is this? How does one even answer this?

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

What comes around goes around lol (yes I’m a heavy believer of karma)

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

Lol who knows, probably something dumb me and my siblings were doing or something we watched cause there’s been plenty times of that xD

51. current stresses?

Homework vs free time e-e

52. favorite font?

I like the gothic looking ones but it’s usually not practical to use so idk

53. what is the current state of your hands?

My hands...? They’re fine ??

54. what did you learn from your first job?

How to care for babies and little kids, how to put on a diaper lol

56. favorite tradition?

I can’t remember a particular one off hand but I’m trying to start few new ones like decorating cookies for Halloween uwu

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

Uhhhhh like personally or...? Cause we’ve overcome homelessness before, um finishing assignments idk😭 oh maybe bullying?? That’s all I can think of since I still struggle with a lot,,

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Alright let’s do thisss: creativity (mostly in writing sense), I can bake/cook, I have amazing organization skills and many work places have used that lol (bonus is I don’t mind, I actually really enjoy it, very peaceful), surprisingly good balance all things considered, I’m a quick learner

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“I’m too tired for this.”

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

Good question good question🤔 I don’t think I’d last in any of them/have a terrible side character role so 💀

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

“Life’s too short to hold grudges.”

62. seven characters you relate to?

Dude this is gonna get embarrassing I can feel it🤠

Itaru, Iori, Sogo, Belle, Simeon (obey me), Nozaki (he’s clueless about romance irl and doesn’t know when someone has a crush on him yet can write romance well enough and yeah it’s me lol), and uhh Swindler/Ordinary Person in Akudama Drive (still can’t believe no one really has names in that anime but the way she gets wrapped in everything felt like something that’d happen to me lol)

63. five songs that would play in your club?

Like nightclub...? I’m skipping this ajdbd

64. favorite website from your childhood?

Probably the Barbie site, me and my sister played all the dress up games almost daily istg

65. any permanent scars?

Appendectomy scars and then looks like I have one on a toe but it’s possible it still might heal...

66. favorite flower(s)?

Nightshade, foxglove, baby’s breath, bellflowers, roses

67. good luck charms?

I don’t think I have any...

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

Lemon

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

Let me think...I read something once about flowers having ears(?) but like not ear ears just something about having a part that picks up sound waves

70. left or right handed?

Right

71. least favorite pattern?

Lolll animal print I think

72. worst subject?

Physics...the worst science

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

6...?

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

I don’t remember, it probably happened when i was 6. I do remember losing one of my front teeth during my birthday one year and I was happy since the tooth had been loose for some time xD

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

Chips I guess or just like fried in skillet

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

A succulent probably

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

Neither ew

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

They are both about equally terrible

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Earth

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

Fireflies

82. pc or console?

I am on pc side now

83. writing or drawing?

Writing

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Podcasts I guess

84. barbie or polly pocket?

Barbie

85. fairy tales or mythology?

Mythology, it’s too fun and chaotic lol

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Hm...cupcakes

87. your greatest fear?

Uh,,,I don’t have many fears but I guess one would be falling from a great height? So I would get scared of crossing a bridge and it collapsing or riding a plane and it falling easily

88. your greatest wish?

World peace🥲

89. who would you put before everyone else?

My mom maybe...?

90. luckiest mistake?

I honestly don’t remember but something I do remember is I out semicolon instead of period and turned out to be correct grammar lol

91. boxes or bags?

Boxes

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

Sunlight or fairy lights, I don’t require much either way and prefer more natural lighting

93. nicknames?

Lassie, twinkle toes, Ash, poody butt (by 3 yr old I sometimes watch and play with lol he means it affectionately; I call him monkey butt and it’s catching on slowly instead)

94. favorite season?

Starting to be fall just a little more but I like transition times most

95. favorite app on your phone?

Let’s go with twitter

96. desktop background?

It is a moriarty and gang pic

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

2: mine and my moms

98. favorite historical era?

Ooo tough one but I’ll say renaissance as some of the coolest things came from that time

[dantelionwishes]

HELLO FRIENDS!! I just wanted to thank everyone for the sudden amount of support I've gotten from my recent posts, and to say hi to the influx of new followers ive gotten!!!!!! DUNNO HOW U GOT HERE BUT I HOPE U ENJOY UR STAY !!!!!!

this is....not gonna be very happy or exciting text post from me, so id rather keep the other details under the cut if you don't want to read past me thanking everyone HAHAHA UHHHHHH BUT IF YOURE SEEING THIS FIRST HALF I JUST REALLY WANNA THANK U FOR BEING HERE!!!!!! MWAH!!

I would apologise, but hoNESTLY IM NOT COZ NGL ITS PRETTY UNDERSTANDABLE OF ME BUT LIKE?? I suppose its an important announcement with a twinge of apology for not being super active recently hhhhh

I have a huge backlog of asks and posts I haven't reblogged yet, and id like to apologise to those ppl waiting for me to respond and such but,,,,,,,,I'm not really in the best place rn!!! ive been posting via my queue (which is once or twice a day) and its because we’ve been hit with another devastating storm that really hit much much harder than last time. I actually lost electricity and water for a bit!! I still dont have water now, and have been using leftover pool water to try and get by and honestly we cant even cook food without water but gshdgghJGH ANYWAY!!! its left my country in a devastating state, and a lot of other problems surrounding my said shitty country is really affecting me and overwhelming me to a point that I can't function !!! online classes are kind of suspended until only today (coz of the storm) and I dont think I can even focus on that either, everything is really super overwhelming. quarantine still hits hard even at this point, and I also want to admit openly that its absolutely driving me insane. no, not because I wanna go out, but because of my family. I won't explain, but basically im near them 24/7 thanks to quarantine and have to walk on eggshells everyday aughhHHHHHHHH

OK IM SO SORRY FOR THE DEPRESSING POST BUT OH YOU KNOW.......I WANNA GO ON HERE AND JUST INTERACT WITH U GUYS BUT MY ENERGY IS REALLY JUST POOF RN AHSGJASHJA I want this place to be my happy place, and it should really be positive chaotic energy all around ykno!!!!! so uhm. yeah. JUST UHHHHH yeah a serious update on what's going on.......thanks for reading :^)))))

[tennessoui]

Oooh, for the fanfic writer ask: 24 and 48?

oh thank you for sending this to me!!!

ok ok

24. favorite scene you’ve ever written?

uhhhhh mmmmm hhhhmm? errrr ok the one that jumps to mind quickest is the scene in recipe for disaster, where Obi-Wan has realized Anakin is a successful chef and he's also realized Anakin wasn't lying when he accepted obi-wan's invitation to teach him how to cook in order to make fun of him but because he's just also a disaster, so they go into the kitchen and obi-wan literally just gets to be the biggest little shit in the entire world in an effort to get anakin to crack and admit he knows how to cook. that scene in the kitchen where it's mostly dialogue?? that was so fun to write tbh and it was my first attempt at like. humor in writing? so i love it yeah

48. three spoilers for (insert story title)

you didn't give me a story title and i have so many wips so i'm just gonna spread them out evenly and hope you've read the works they refer to!!!!

in time & tide, their first kiss is like really hot and heavy on the couch in obi-wan's quarters but then little ani gets home from star wars jedi school with his lil jedi backpack and obi-wan literally very much shoves big anakin off of him as soon as they hear the key code being put in it and anakin bangs his head really hard against the coffee table (caf table?) and little ani bursts in and is like omg what are you doing with my master? master, what is he doing here? and obi-wan is like oh um we were um sparring

in pretty bird and the henchman, the story i decided i would write before vow breaker in order to introduce new characters (2D ocs lmao lets be real) that need to be in vow break, Cody goes on vacation with his girlfriend and he comes back to the knowledge that he has been extremely missed by literally everyone. and he's like well yeah of course. but it's very surprising that anakin latches onto him the most because omg the stand-in driver was the worst, he didn't respond at all to anakin's very clever taunts and also he always drove the speed limit and he listened to smooth jazz in the car which is NOT good hype music??

in hold me fast and kill me quick, the chapter after the next chapter involves obi-wan going on a mission asap to get out of the Temple and away from The Newly Weds. but he's so distracted during his mission that he does get shot. perhaps even critically. and even though he should go back to the halls of healing immediately, his droid pilots his ship to the Coruscanti hospital because he doesn't want to see his soulmate and new husband.and he's there for days without the Temple (Qui-Gon and Anakin) knowing until hes ready to check out and while he's leaving he sees anakin there!!! is he stalking him?? how did he find out ??? but no he is Not. 😏😏

[intombedarc]

@crasvespertilio​ asked: 💘 + rae and terry

where they first met and how

they met in high school with bruce doing a favor for a friend in watching over rae before they died. terry was tasked into helping her get adjusted to living in gotham and the two were hardly separated ever since. granted, they weren’t too crazy about each other’s company but as they got older, they softened up around each other.

how long their ‘flirting’ phase was before feelings got involved

their flirting phase never ended, especially for terry. their feelings for each other ended up being very mutual anyway but as for the flirting stage? never got over it. they’re still flirting with each other.

who fell for who first ( if applicable )

uhhhhh this is hard to say. i want to say raven, maybe like... a day before anything was said. despite her being able to feel his emotions whether he wants her to feel them or not.

where their first date was and what it was like

terry and rae didn’t have much of a first date until they were older. they went to the movies, a simple first date just to feel a little more normal than the rest. she opted to see a horror film. it was really casual and sweet, terry nearly punched somebody’s lights out for looking at rae the wrong way but he got to walk her home. she kissed his cheek before the night was over.

who asks who out and how ( with a sign? spelled out on a cake? just a simple ‘will you go out with me’? )

terry’s the one that always asks her out, it’s a little rare for rae to ask him (mostly because she likes to drag him to places they’re both going to enjoy) but it could be for the simplest things like to a store, to a carnival, a party, whatever the case is. terry is just kindly vocal about asking her and he gives her puppy eyes so she would say yes.

who proposes first

terry is the one that proposes first.

if they keep / kept their relationship secret or let everyone know right away

they weren’t trying to keep their relationship under wraps on purpose. they did it for the sake of keeping their personal lives and their heroic lives from crossing with each other so it seemed like they were keeping it a secret.

where the proposal happens and how ( kiss cam at a baseball game? on a hillside surrounded by ducks? at a disney park? )

it was very traditional, he took her to one of her favorite parks after a quiet evening of having thanksgiving dinner with bruce and popped the question. he got down on one knee and she made a slick comment about him being cheesy. she said yes anyway.

if they adopt any pets together

terry and rae share the great dane, ace and her bengal cat, dexter.

who’s more dominant

he’s more dominant during the day. occasionally, rae will be the dominant one but she likes to give him control.

where their first kiss was and what it was like

rae was very concerned over terry trying to protect her over a deadly incident with blight. she tended to his wounds but she was pissed off about terry being hardheaded. he kissed her mid sentence to calm her down and it was just a passionate moment that melted them both.

if they have any matching couples stuff ( mugs? sweaters? pillowcases? )

they’re not that couple to have matching items but they do match in outfits sometimes. only sometimes because terry likes to sport his hawaiian shirts and she’d rather be six feet under than wear that.

how into pda they are

rae isn’t too heavy on pda and terry goes with the flow. she does get comfortable with it after some time, holding his hand, sneaking in a peck here and there but nothing further than that unless they’re alone in a public place.

who holds the umbrella when it rains

rachel because of her powers and because the umbrella terry has isn’t enough for her.

where their usual ‘date spot’ is ( if applicable )

terry drags her to this club slash diner where they can just hang out on the rooftop to unwind and not have any responsibilities.

who’s more protective

terry is very, very, very protective of rachel despite her being the stronger one of the two.

how long it is before they sleep together ( can be as in ‘had sex’ or as in ‘shared a bed’ )

it took them quite a few years for them to get use to each other’s company. any time he’s too tired or too injured to leave her sights, she’d insist on letting him stay until he was okay enough to go back home. eventually it conspired to them having sex and really letting their emotions flourish.

if they argue about anything

the big one is terry nearly getting himself killed whenever it happens. she does not like the fact that he can get reckless when there’s no static strategy to meet their goal. in return, rae’s overprotectiveness tends to sound like terry is incapable which he is the complete opposite.

who leaves more marks ( lipstick, hickeys, scratchmarks etc. )

rachel is subject to this because she likes to tease him relentlessly.

who steals whose clothes and how often

sometimes, rae will take his hoodie to sleep in when he’s out on patrol. it keeps her company and makes her feel safe.

how they cuddle ( spooning? facing each other? )

sometimes they spoon, sometimes they face each other. terry will put his head on her stomach watching trashy tv while she reads one of her books to tune out the noise.

what their favourite nonsexual activity is

cooking, watching horror movies and making fun of them, going to festivals, intimate hugs that last forever because terry is part bear and loves to squeeze her.

how long they stay mad at each other

not very long at all. rae hardly gets angry and fed up with terry but she does get frustrated enough to want a little space. maybe two to three days of barely speaking.

what their usual coffee / tea orders are

rae leans more towards tea than coffee. depending on the kind, she likes sweet and savory, plenty of honey or lemon to bring out the flavor. terry likes his coffee light and sweet enough.

if they ever have any children together

that’s later down the line but they do have one together.

if they have any special pet names for each other

nothing special but they do call each other by their last names when they’re being shitheads together.

if they ever split up and / or get back together

they never ‘split up’ per say. they just take a tiny break before they end up missing each other.

what their shared living space is like ( messy? clean? what kind of decor? )

the loft that they share is pretty neatly done, rae doesn’t like having too much clutter so she’s constantly rearranging her books / crafts to make it all cohesive when she’s ready to whip out a spell. terry on the other hand can be a little messy but she’s forced him to pick up after himself.

what their first christmas / hanukkah / etc as a couple was like

halloween is their favorite but also their least because of the constant patrolling they have to do but christmas and thanksgiving are the two big favorites because they get to spoil each other and spoil matt. rachel doesn’t lighten up too much around the holidays but she does get into the spirit in her own way and terry doesn’t stray too far from the same feelings.

what their names are in each other’s phones

for rae, it’s ‘terry’ and for terry, it’s probably ‘beautiful’

if they have any ‘couple traditions’ ( buying a new mug for their collection every year? baking every friday evening? )

uhhhh there’s no tradition as a couple but they do go above earth to attend league-related meetings.

who falls asleep first and who wakes up first

rachel is likely to wake up first and terry falls asleep first, he’s very tired and requires lots of warm cuddles tbh.

who’s the big spoon / little spoon

terry is the big spoon to her little spoon. it’s rare that it’s the other way around.

who hogs the bathroom

probably terry, he needs to look good for his girl at all times LOL

who kills the spiders / takes them outside

terry attempts to kill the spiders but rae stops him from doing it so she can release it outside. it’s a witch thing.

[rubbish78]

Heyyyyyyyyy you guys wanna read another my short ass slightly slutty (tiny bit) Ghoul/Poison fic?

(It is on aO3 but not posting the link just ask because keekjejejd I’m shy about my other stories but you could probably find this if you wanted to also I was writing nonbinary Poison)

Anyways...........here you go:

Jumping onto the kitchen counter and landing on his butt, Fun Ghoul also pulled his lover, Party Poison, in between his legs. Wrapping his arms around them, he mouthed at their neck, sucking and licking the hot salty skin. Tasted like the desert, so damn good.

Reciprocating, Poison held on to his hips and played with Ghoul’s dusty jean belt loops with their index fingers. They also grinded against Ghoul’s crotch, feeling both their half-hard erections begin to grow between their pants. An animistic moan vibrated against the skin of their throat as Ghoul began to rut against them as well.

The two Killjoys were alone for the most part, everyone was out on a run at the moment, yet they still sneaked into the back of the diner's chaotic kitchen like they had something to hide. Pretty much everyone knew about them, mostly, well not the public or definitely not BLI .

“I know ya think I’m kiddin','' Fun Ghoul abruptly whispered into Poison’s ear, referring back to their earlier conversation. Easing back against the dirty metal cupboards, he cupped Poison’s feminine face with his dirty fingerless leather-gloved hands. “But c'mon Poison, have I ever kid about gettin' ink?”

The evidence was everywhere, Ghoul was covered head to toe with various tattoos, getting to the point he hardly had any plain skin left. His cute boyish face remained untouched…for now and he would probably never get one either but he never let Poison know that just so he could continue teasing them about it since Poison was furiously against it. Nah, he just wanted to ink the left side of his neck now since it felt kind of blank compared to the right side of his neck, which had a scorpion with the wrong amount of legs. It had been his first tattoo and was too excited to even notice the legs.

Poison chuckled low, lifting a hand to card through Ghoul’s greasy ebony colored hair and gazed lovingly into his warm brown eyes.

“Trust me, I know you’re not kidding, I’m actually taking your request quite seriously.”

“So you like?” Ghoul happily beamed, caressing Poison’s face with his thumbs about to plant a kiss on their lips. “I knew you would, so I got—

“Not exactly,” Poison interrupted Ghoul, who frowned a little and dropped his hands to their shoulders. “I just think…you haven’t fully thought it through, like maybe something not so whore-ish?”

“Whore-ish?” Ghoul repeated, almost breaking into hysterical laughter, shaking his head. “Really? Okay. That’s hilarious coming from you.”

“Ah! How dare you!” Poison broke away from him, spinning around in a dramatic manner and ramming into the broken rusty oven, which hadn’t cooked a meal in this diner for years. The oven let out an alarming hissing noise and Poison let a high pitched shriek out before jumping up on the counter next to Ghoul, holding onto him like the oven was gonna explode.

Anticlimactically, the oven door just slammed opened and coughed out dust.

Poison’s grip on Ghoul relaxed and mumbled, “Thought you might have put a bomb in there as a joke or something.”

“Yeah that does sound like me,” Ghoul smirked, deviously. “Good idea for next time, huh? Maybe I’ll try it on Kobra.”

Poison snorted, rolling their eyes and pushed aside Ghoul’s long hair behind his left ear. Staring at the canvas of skin Ghoul wanted to ink before tenderly kissing it. “I can come up with way better ideas,” Poison murmured into his skin. “Let me draw some things up.”

“Wait, first I gotta hear why you think my idea is whore(ish),” Ghoul retorted, genuinely curious. Gripping Poison’s delicate chin, he turned his face to the side and licked the shell of his ear. “I mean come on, if anyone is a whore it’s you—

Letting out a let loud mock offended gasp, Poison playfully smacked Ghoul across the face as if they were one of those actors performing a fake slap onstage. Ghoul half-laughed, half-aroused tried to grab his flailing arms as they mimicked a distressed southern debutante: “Well, I have never been accused of such debauchery in my life!” Fanning their face, they dramatically sighed in Ghoul’s arms. “How will I ever get a good marriage match now with vicious rumors like that spreading around the zones?”

“Ain’t rumors if they are true, sweetheart,” Ghoul teased back in an equally horrible southern drawl. “Now why don’t you put that pretty mouth to good use?” Ghoul fumbled with a pocket on his vest before unexpectedly pulling out a tube of lipstick.

Poison stopped thrashing his body around and dropped the horrible accent. “Wow okay…. you came prepared, you weirdo.”

Ghoul cracked a small smile and shrugged, handing him the tube of lipstick.

Poison took the cap off, finding the lipstick to be the same color as their neon red hair. The lipstick had definitely been used before as it was worn down to almost a nub but most things they found in the desert were broken or used.

“You really want this?”

“Yeah because I’m a whore.”

“Okay maybe “whore-ish” wasn’t the right word,” Poison bashfully admitted, as they played with the lipstick, twisting the tube up and down. “It’s like ugh, uhhh how do I say this uhhhhh…...”

Ghoul raised an eyebrow.

“Like I don’t know, people might interpret it as you being straight.”

If Ghoul was a cartoon his eyebrow would have raised off his forehead into the air.

“I don’t know, it’s something a twenty year old drunk girl would get, y’know?”

“Okay, okay now I’m lost,” Ghoul chuckled in confusion. “So it’s gay then if I got it then?”

“Like ahhhh no!” Poison shook their head, lifting a hand to rub their eyes. Embarrassed, they looked through his fingers at Ghoul. “I mean a girl might get it because it’s aesthetically cute, but boys might get to show off how much they get laid.”

Chuckling, Ghoul took Poison’s hands in his own. “Okay I get what you’re saying...kind of.” Taking the lipstick tube from Poison, he uncapped it and began applying on Poison’s lips, who hesitantly puckered their lips. “As soon as anyone sees you standing next to me they will connect the fucking dots.” He then fished out his pair of aviator sunglasses from a vest pocket and held them up so Poison could see their own reflection of their beautiful red lips.

“But it’s not for anyone else anyways,” Ghoul continued, beaming at Poison who seemed to really like the look on themself. “It’s for me and...fuck, you look hot.”

“Shut up,” Poison blushed, face getting dangerously close to his hair color. “Fine whatever, hold still!” Moving Fun Ghoul’s hair aside, they kissed the left side of his neck and lingered there trying to leave the perfect kiss mark.

Ghoul knew the kiss mark was probably gonna get messed up by the time Show Pony got here with the needles and ink because he was planning to kiss them everywhere but he loved the novelty of the act

“You happy?” they snapped after pulling away, however; lovingly played and twirled with Ghoul’s hair.

“Always with you.”

[likeshipsonthesea]

all of your writing is spectacular I just wanted to let you know that your ficlet about bully being attracted to dex and telling nursey about it has uhhhhh STOLEN my mind, body, and soul frfr. so if you ever did happen to continue it there's at least one person (me) who might actually just. lose it. have a nice day!!

thank you so much!! you’re so sweet for this message and i apologize for not responding for a long time, i was going to respond a few weeks ago with a ramble fic about how i would continue weewoo weewoo as a thank you, but then some technical difficulties occurred and i lost what i’d written and got frustrated and didn’t retry, until now i guess??

i’m going to let myself forget about how much i liked the original and try and explain, if i were to continue that idea (which i don’t have the motivation to do for real, unfortunately :( ), how i would do it

first off, nursey would go full ass Unchill to the max and panic and offer bully help in, ehem, fucking dex.

bully would be like ??? you just said that could be a bad idea??

but i also said it could be a good one, nursey would say, drunk and panicking further.

long story short, bully takes him up on his offer and the really fuckery begins.

so the next morning nursey wakes up fairly hungover, as after the whole thing in the reading room, he went off and got suitably plastered. dex wakes him up with a plate of mushy eggs (a dish his grandmother made for him as a kid that also works very well at quelling hangovers) and while nursey moans over it and proposes marriage to dex’s grandmother, a frequent occurrence, dex tells him, confused, that bully is downstairs waiting for him

then nursey promptly remembers his promise and curses himself and bully and dex for being so damn pretty this early in the morning

nursey has dex send bully up to his room and, in between mouthfuls of eggs and toast, explains his completely ad-libbed plan to bully. the gist of this plan is that while nursey tries to dig and see if dex is in fact dtf, bully will try to subtly insinuate to dex that he is already dtf

bully is, obviously, not very impressed with this plan.

he decides, without telling nursey, that he will go along with it, partly in the unlikely chance that it actually works and he gets over this thing he has about dex and can actually just be the dude’s friend (he spent the night sorting through his feelings and decided that he isn’t romantically attracted to dex, that he wants to be friends but also the dude is like really hot– when he tells nursey this nursey blinks dumbfounded, as it took him about two years to sort through his feelings for dex not one night and he’s not even really sure he’s acknowledged them fully)

the other part of the reason bully goes along with this is because, well. it seems like nursey put a lot of thought into it and like?? cares?? and maybe bully wants to make friends. a little. just a little. the dude’s like p weird, but seems nice, so whatever.

SO the plan commences and nursey spends the first two weeks trying to work up the nerve to ask dex if he finds bully attractive while sending bully to kegsters in tight t-shirts and having him chat dex up in the shower.

in the first two weeks, both nursey and bully realize some things

nursey realizes that he has absolutely no idea how to woo dex and also that those feelings he hasn’t really fully acknowledged are maybe possibly something more significant than the guy has really pretty laughs

bully, on the other hand, realizes that nursey is stupidly into dex and, after all the extra time chatting with the dude, dex feels just about the same way. though dex is much chiller about the whole thing, in bully’s opinion.

dex remains unaware of any schemes, but also really confused about why bully wanted to talk strategy in the showers??

after the two week mark, nursey decides to try harder because he promised and bully is a waffle and he deserves the help (he also decides to repress harder, but he ignores that part because, well. repression)

bully decides that he is going to get his two stupid upperclassmen together because he’s a p good dude. he also decides to ask out the freckly ginger in his writing class because dude’s got needs, okay?

the next time nursey tries to set up bully (”help the guy bake! he loves cooking and he and bitty bond all the time, but since bitty’s been restricted for thesis reasons, he’s been all by himself :((”) bully texts nursey for help and has him come downstairs just as bully gets a surprise message from louis that he’s stuck in his shower again and has to run out

dex, being in the middle of a pie, asks nursey if he wants to help. because why not??? bully was supposed to be helping him and if nursey’s already here…

nursey nods forcefully and rolls up his sleeves.

they spend the next hour making somewhat of a mess, bantering about something funny chowder did on the bus last week, and creating a slightly lopsided but thoroughly delicious pie. they eat it together, before it’s really cooled enough, while watching an hgtv show. nursey grins at the side of dex’s face while he complains about the choices the showrunners make and all around has a good time.

then he gets guilty because he’s supposed to be helping bully not himself!! what a bad upperclassman he is!!! bad nursey!!

bully face palms, but like emotionally. he’s too cool to physically do it.

queue montage of other dates meant for bully that he intentionally ruins to get nursey to take his place, followed by nursey’s happiness and guilt, and dex’s concurrent happiness with mild confusion.

months go by and nursey and dex don’t actually get together even though they’ve technically been dating forever and finally bully loses it.

“you’re in love with him!” he yells, over nursey trying to explain the next phase in the plan to him.

nursey blinks. bully’s voice had never gone above inside-voice level before.

“what.”

bully huffs. “i get it, dude. i got out my thing about him months ago with alex from my writing class. but i can’t keep watching you try to set me up with him when you’re obviously into the dude.”

“i, uh, i’m not– haha– i don’t– um–”

bully stares flatly. “he loves you too.”

nursey falls out of his chair. bully shakes his head. so unchill.

“he’s what.”

bully grabs his bag. “you’re welcome,” he says, pulling out his phone to call alex and update him about the whole mess. dude’s actually p cool. and p good in bed, too.

then nursey scrambles to find dex and see if it’s true and it is and they kiss or whatever and it’s hella cute and they thank bully at their wedding and everyone lives happily ever..

also an alternate version where it works and bully and dex start hooking up and DRAMA ensues but i guess that will have to be another post because i’ve got to get to bed my dudes lol

[antiadvil]

Electrify My Heart

summary: Dan Howell picks his college major almost at random. Even after a gap year, he doesn’t know what he wants to do, so he supposes he might as well pick whatever will make him the most employable and impress the largest number of his relatives. Within his first semester, he knows he made a mistake and switches out. Except Dan’s major isn’t law. It’s computer science, and Phil is his TA.

rating: PG13

wc: 13k

notes: for all the notes go read the ao3 version but tldr ty @itsmyusualphannie​ for being beta and ty to lots of other ppl and imposter syndrome real

read on ao3 or under the cut

College was hard, Dan decided, and his classes hadn’t even started yet. All he had wanted was coffee, and god, why did everything have to be so hard? He was waiting in line at a coffee shop on campus with some cutesy name- “The Daily Grind”- and a ridiculously long line. Really, it should not be taking this long to get one iced coffee. He was just beginning to wonder if he should give up and go somewhere else when someone slammed into him from behind. Dan stumbled and fell.

“Oh my god. I am so sorry.”

Thank god Dan hadn’t gotten his coffee yet. “You’re fine,” he said automatically, standing up.

“Seriously, I’m sorry. Are you alright?” A face with shaggy black hair and blue eyes peered intently at him.

“Yup,” Dan said, “Pretty sure.”

“Let me at least buy your coffee for nearly killing you.”

Dan froze. “Uhhhhh…”

The boy laughed. “Calm down, I’m not asking you out. I just mean coffee. Don’t worry.”

“Oh,” Dan said, relieved. “Uh, yeah, that’d be great. Coffee, I mean.”

“Great,” he said. “I’m Phil, by the way.”

“Dan.”

It turned out that Phil was a grad student in computer science, the same subject Dan was majoring in. Dan’s eyes glazed over when Phil started talking about what exactly his specialization was (something about human-computer interaction and other words Dan didn’t understand), but Phil steered the conversation away from that pretty quickly once he noticed Dan’s reaction.

“So you’re a freshman? How’s the college life treating you so far?”

Dan shrugged. “It’s okay, I guess. It’s kind of nice not having my parents around, but also, I’m really bad at doing adult things.”

Phil smiled. “It’s okay, I didn’t really know how to cook until I got an apartment my junior year. As long as you know the basics-”

“No,” Dan interrupted. “Like, I’m really bad at doing adult things. I set my ramen on fire because I didn’t know you needed to put water in.”

Phil was clearly struggling to remain composed. “Recently?” he inquired politely.

“Yes,” Dan said.

Phil laughed, and the way he laughed made Dan feel like there was a slowly growing bubble inside of him. “I’m sorry,” Phil said, “But look on the bright side. That’s actually hilarious,” and Dan had to admit it was.

When they parted two hours later, after all the ice in his coffee had melted, Dan had added Phil on every social media platform known to man and had Phil’s number saved in his phone with instructions to text if he had any issues.

Dan wanted to, he really did. He had never wanted to text anyone so badly. He gathered the courage to send a “Hi! It’s Dan!” text, then quickly threw his phone across the room, only to pick it back up immediately when it buzzed with Phil’s response.

It was just a smiley face. Why was Dan so excited about a fucking smiley face? A fucking smiley face that Phil probably only sent because he couldn’t think of anything else to say.

Dan spent the rest of his weekend in his dorm, leaving only to attend exactly one welcome event and spend a truly disturbing amount of time (and money) at The Daily Grind, hoping he’d run into Phil again. Why Dan didn’t just text him, he couldn’t explain. He hadn’t sent anything since the introduction text and Phil’s smiley face reply.

If the universe wanted him and Phil to be friends, the universe would have to work a bit harder.

***

Classes started the next Monday. After the disaster that was the one welcome event he attended, he had spoken to exactly zero people, unless you counted the barista at The Daily Grind. He was almost relieved when classes started just because he’d be around other people again, and if that didn’t say something about how isolated he was, he didn’t know what did.

His relief quickly vanished when his alarm went off at seven am for his eight am calculus discussion section. He dragged himself across campus to his classroom, where he promptly fell asleep when given a worksheet. No one in his group woke him up, and when the TA came around to collect their worksheets, Dan sheepishly turned in a piece of paper with his name on it and a few scribbled numbers he must have written before he passed out.

Dan looked longingly at the time on his phone. He really didn’t have time to take a nap before his next lecture, but oh, he desperately wanted to. He considered skipping, but he knew he should at least attend the first lecture to get an idea of what the attendance policy was like.

He found somewhere on the main quad to sit for a bit, but he must have dozed off, because the next thing he knew, a bell was faintly buzzing in a nearby building, his CS 115 lecture was starting right now, and he still wasn’t sure exactly where it was.

He ended up being around ten minutes late, and as he paused outside the wooden double doors to catch his breath, he again considered just not going. He checked the time again and groaned. He really did feel bad walking in so late, but it was either that or not at all. He straightened up, wiped his hands on his shorts, and opened the door as quietly as possible.

His eyes worked over the seats, searching for an empty spot. There was an entire empty row in the front, but there was no way in hell Dan was sitting there. He spotted a seat in the middle of the back row, and briefly debated turning around and leaving so he wouldn’t have to ask the people at the ends of the row to move.

After looking around again, he braced himself and walked up to the end of the row.

“Excuse me?” Dan whispered.

The girl sitting at the end of the row rolled her eyes and tossed her blue hair over her shoulder, closing her laptop and standing up so Dan could pass.

“Thanks,” Dan whispered, moving past her, which required them to be far closer than Dan was entirely comfortable with.

The rest of the row was mostly a blur of groans and snickers, but everyone at least moved their laptops back so Dan could step over their knees.

Finally, Dan sat down in his seat, his ears burning, and pulled out his laptop.

The professor paused. “And if everyone could make an effort to be on time next time,” she said with a mildness that terrified Dan, “That would be appreciated. Thank you.”

Dan shrunk into his seat. An auspicious beginning to his college career. Hopefully, his lab later in the day would be better than his lecture.

It was not. After standing in line for at least twenty minutes and eating a rushed lunch and attending a two-hour-long lecture for his film class, which was interesting but incredibly long, he showed up to his lab.

He was on time, at least. He even managed to find an empty table. But then the empty table started filling up, and his tablemates all wanted to talk to him, and it was almost a relief when the TA walked in to start class. His relief vanished when he and the TA made eye contact.

It was Phil.

Phil’s eyes widened slightly, but he recovered quickly. He pulled out his laptop and adjusted his glasses. “Welcome to your first lab section,” he said. “I’m Phil Lester, your TA. I’m here to help you work through your lab problems, homework problems, and Machine Project, but they’re ultimately graded by the online autograder, which I have no control over, so bring up any issues about grading to Professor Ross. Any questions?”

Someone’s chair squeaked.

“Okay then,” Phil said. “Today’s lab is to download, configure, and familiarize yourself with IntelliJ. I’m sure that sounds easy, but even experienced programmers have issues getting used to IntelliJ, which is why we’ve devoted a lab period to it. Your instructions are online. Let me or the CAs know if you need help with anything.”

The lab passed with mind numbing boredom, but by the end, with the help of his tablemates and a bored-looking Course Assistant, Dan had IntelliJ up and running.

As he stood to leave, his stomach growled. He really should have picked a lab that was earlier in the day, but whatever. Even if Dan was able to figure out how to use his student portal, it was probably too late to transfer lab sections. He glanced at Phil, but he seemed absorbed in helping another student, so Dan just put his laptop in his backpack and trudged away.

He stepped outside the Computer Science Center and took a deep breath, aiming himself towards his dorm and a thirty-minute walk home, but he was interrupted.

“Hey! Hey, Dan,” Phil said, running after him. “How’d I do?”

Dan looked up. “Phil?”

“Yup,” Phil said. “It’s so funny that you ended up in my class. It must be fate.”

Dan wrinkled his nose. “I don’t believe in fate.”

“Well, you’re no fun,” Phil observed.

“There’s a thing called coincidence.”

“I’m just trying to think of a smooth way to ask you to coffee again, Dan. Work with me here.”

“Is that allowed?” Dan asked.

“Being friends with people in your lab section? It’s not exactly encouraged, but I don’t grade you or anything, so as long as I don’t display blatant favoritism it should be fine.”

So he really did just mean coffee. Again. “I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

“You won’t. Besides, if I did get in trouble, which I won’t, it would be my fault, not yours.”

Dan shrugged.

“Anyway, if you’re not comfortable with it, that’s fine. But I really liked you and thought it would be nice to spend time together sometime. You know, if that’s cool. I know you probably have a ton of work right now, but if you get a chance.”

Phil was nervous, Dan realized. “I think I’d like that,” he said slowly.

Phil smiled. “Text me,” he said, reaching out to touch Dan’s hand briefly. “Anyway, which way are we headed?”

“My dorm’s kind of far.” It was the farthest dorm from the main quad, actually, since Dan had put off registering for housing until a week before the deadline.

“My apartment’s definitely farther. Want a ride?”

“Where are you parked?”

Phil jerked his head to the left. “Like ten minutes that way?”

Dan hesitated. Yes, he did want a ride from Phil. But Phil’s car was parked on the opposite side of campus from his dorm, and it would probably take just as long to walk to Phil’s car and get a ride to his dorm as it would to just walk there.

“Sure,” he said before he could regret it.

“Cool,” Phil said, starting to walk. “So, how are you liking CS so far?”

“It’s fine,” Dan said cautiously, following him.

“No, really,” Phil said. “I do course development for CS 115. I want to know if I made it better or worse.” He flicked his hair out of his face. “I also want to know how things are going for you, of course,” Phil added hastily.

“The homework’s been kind of hard,” Dan said hesitantly.

Phil nodded. “Did you take APCS in high school?”

Dan shook his head.

“No prior coding experience?” Phil continued.

Dan nodded.

Phil nodded. “Yeah, that would do it. Coding has a really harsh learning curve, and Java, in particular, is really unpleasant to beginners. If it were up to me, the class would be taught in Python or something, but we already have so much infrastructure for Java, and a lot of people in the CS department don’t like Python, so it’s probably not happening.”

“Oh.”

Phil shrugged. “Sorry, you’re probably not that interested in how I think your class should be taught. I kind of do that sometimes, talk about things I think are really interesting but no one else does.”

“It’s fine,” Dan said, and weirdly, it was. When Phil talked about things, he had this way of drawing people in- Dan could listen to him for ages. “The way you talk about it makes interesting.”

It was hard to tell in the slanted light of the setting sun, but Phil might have blushed. “Thanks,” he said, “But you really don’t want to get me started on my thesis topic. It’s embarrassing how much I talk about it.”

“It can’t be that bad,” Dan reasoned.

“My ex-boyfriend cited it as one of the reasons he decided to break up with me,” Phil said.

Dan winced. “I’m sorry.”

Phil laughed, but it wasn’t the laugh he normally laughed. This laugh was harsh and brittle. “It’s not your fault.”

Dan didn’t have a lot of bad breakup stories, but he thought he’d try. “I dumped my ex-boyfriend because I found him on Tinder under a fake name.”

“How’d you know it was him then?” Phil asked.

“Oh, he used his real photos. Just the name was fake.”

“Yikes.”

“You could say that again,” Dan said. “Anyway, I lived. It wasn’t that great of a relationship anyway.”

They had reached Phil’s car. Phil fished in his pocket for his keys. Dan awkwardly stood by the side of his car, debating whether to sit in the front or the back seat, before deciding he was not a twelve-year-old being given a ride by his friend’s dad, and ducking into the front passenger’s seat.

“Which dorm?” Phil asked, starting the car.

“Walton,” Dan said.

“Nice,” Phil said. “I didn’t go here for my undergrad, but I hear that’s one of the better ones.”

Dan shrugged. “It’s okay. I got a single, which is nice, but it’s kind of far from all my classes.”

Phil nodded.

“Do you know how to get there?” Dan asked.

“Not really,” Phil confessed.

“Me neither,” Dan said.

“Can you navigate?” Phil asked. “If I tried to Google Maps and drive at the same time I would one hundred percent kill us both. I have no coordination.”

“Encouraging,” Dan said, pulling out his phone and typing his address in.

Phil laughed. “It’s okay. I’m not the world’s best driver, but I’m not the worst, either. Probably.”

“If you say so,” Dan said. “Okay, take a left here.”

Phil turned.

“Okay, then go straight for a while-”

“That’s what my mom said when I came out as bisexual.”

Dan sputtered. “What?”

Phil clarified. “Well, she said she hoped that wouldn’t stop me from settling down with a nice girl someday. But later it turned out I was gay, so joke’s on her.”

“Oh,” Dan said. He hadn’t known Phil was gay, and that knowledge sent a knot to Dan’s stomach that he decided to ignore. He was not attracted to Phil, he reminded himself firmly. “I haven’t told my parents I’m… whatever, yet.”

Phil nodded. “That’s fine. Coming from high school, I assumed that most people were out to their parents, but it turns out that lots of people aren’t out to their parents. I actually feel like most people aren’t. I don’t know, maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part, but I just wanted to let you know. Plenty of people have gay lives at college and their parents don’t have any idea.” He paused for a moment. “Sorry. That was probably weird.”

It was, a little bit, but Dan didn’t say so. “Thanks,” he said. “Um, right here. I mean, turn right. Sorry.”

“Got it,” Phil said, turning. He abruptly braked for someone crossing the street. “God, I hate driving on campus.”

The person crossing the street turned around and glared. “I think the feeling is mutual,” said Dan.

Phil started driving again, more carefully this time. “At least it’s not winter. Driving in the winter here ranks as one of the worst experiences of my life.”

“Is it that bad?” Dan asked.

Phil laughed. “You’re not from around here, are you?”

Dan blushed. “No.”

“I bet you didn’t even bring a coat.”

“Was I supposed to? Can’t that wait until Thanksgiving?”

Phil glanced at Dan, incredulous. “You didn’t bring a winter coat?”

Dan shrugged. “Is that bad?”

“Dear god. You’re going to die. When it gets cold, remind me to lend you a coat. I have extra.”

Dan’s face was still hot. “You don’t need to-”

“I want to.”

Dan felt like his face was on fire. “That would be nice. If you don’t mind.”

“I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t mean it,” Phil said.

Dan shrugged. He was glad that Phil was focusing on the road and couldn’t see his face, which was probably getting redder by the minute.

“Some people do that,” Dan said.

Phil glanced at Dan and smiled. “I don’t. Whenever I offer you something, I mean it, okay?”

“Okay,” Dan said, staring at his feet.

Phil laughed. “You sound like I’m yelling at you. I’m offering you help, Dan. If you don’t need it or you don’t feel comfortable getting it from me, that’s fine, but don’t say no just to avoid being a burden. You’re not.”

“Sorry,” Dan said.

“You don’t need to apologize,” Phil said. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Sor-” Dan started, then stopped. “Thanks,” he said.

“That’s better,” Phil said.

Dan laughed. “Are you sure you’re not majoring in early childhood education? You sound like my kindergarten teacher.”

“Pretty sure,” Phil said, “But I was actually looking into being a professor for a while.”

“Wait, really?”

Phil laughed dryly. “Yeah. That dream lasted about three months into my Master’s. There is no way I could survive a Ph.D. program.”

“Oh,” said Dan. “Sorry.”

Phil glanced over at Dan. “You’re doing it again.”

“I am sorry, though. That sucks.”

Phil shrugged. “It really isn’t that bad. You can get some pretty sweet jobs with a Master’s degree in computer science. Just not generally jobs being a computer science professor.” Phil pulled up outside Dan’s dorm. “Anyway. This is you, right?”

Dan started. “Yeah. It is. Uh, thanks.”

Phil smiled. “Yeah. No problem. Let me know if you need a ride anywhere again.”

“I will,” said Dan, who had no intention of becoming such a burden.

“Or if you ever need any help with anything CS-related or anything. You’re not bothering me, I swear. I love computer science and I love helping people.”

Dan couldn’t help but doubt that. “Thanks,” he said, still with no intention of becoming such a burden.

“Have a good night!” Phil called as Dan stepped out of the car.

“You too!” Dan said, shutting the door.

***

Dan’s first week of classes flew by in a blur. He had more homework than he’d ever had in his life, and he was handling it badly. Luckily, most of his professors seemed pretty understanding about it- his film professor gave him an extension on a reading quiz he completely forgot about, and none of his CS homework assignments were due until two weeks into class.

Before he knew it, the first Machine Project for CS 115 was released. He mostly ignored the initial release since the deadline wasn’t for two more weeks- he had plenty of other homework to do anyway. A truly astounding number of papers to write for his English and film classes, a crushing number of assignments for his physics and calculus classes, and the daily homework problems for CS 115 on top of all that.

He continued isolating himself. He wasn’t proud of it, but it seemed like everyone around him had condensed into social groups while he wasn’t paying attention, and now even when he tried, they wouldn’t let him in.

He didn’t mind too much. He wouldn’t pretend it was fun, eating meals in the dining hall on his own and sitting by himself in every lecture, but social interaction was too painful to be worth it. Besides, he wasn’t even sure if he had time to have friends. It wasn’t like he had an abundance of free time to kill.

Anyway, he had Phil. Dan was still a little bit scared of him- he was a grad student after all, and Dan was just a freshman- but they talked sometimes outside of class. Phil sent Dan memes about computers that he didn’t always understand. Dan replied with memes about video games they both played. They usually talked after Dan’s lab. Phil offered him a ride home again, but after Dan declined once, he didn’t offer again. They met up at the coffee shop once to study together, and even though Dan didn’t get much done that day, just being around Phil made him feel much better.

It was already the deadline day when Dan finally remembered his MP. He hadn’t meant to leave it this late, he really hadn’t, but everything was so overwhelming and there was so much going on and it couldn’t be that bad, could it?

He had woken up early. It was ten am. His deadline was eleven pm. That was plenty of time.

He pulled out his laptop, following the instructions on the course website, and surprisingly managed to download the MP starter code with no problems.

Actually completing it was a different story. He had read the instructions over a couple of times, but he still wasn’t exactly sure what to do. Still, hesitatingly, he started typing. There were some red squiggles underneath some of his lines of code, but he ignored them for now. He searched the crowded upper menu, selected the “Test Checkpoint 0” option from the dropdown menu, and clicked run.

A scarily large number of lines with red symbols next to them appeared. Trying not to panic, Dan did his best to decipher them. Each line started with the word “error,” which was probably very bad. It was mostly a mix of errors that read “; expected” and “illegal start of expression,” with one “reached end of file while parsing” error thrown in at the end.

Dan stared at his screen. What file, he wanted to know, and what the fuck was a parsing? He stared at the errors some more. He hit run again.

He got the same error messages. Again.

After some more staring, he decided to go to office hours. He packed up his laptop and checked his phone to see who was holding office hours right now. His heart started beating a bit faster when he saw that Phil was holding office hours for eight hours starting in fifteen minutes.

Well. It couldn’t hurt to see Phil. It gave him something to think about on the thirty-minute walk to the Computer Science Center, at least.

He really needed to figure out the bus system. This was way too much walking.

Office hours for CS 115 were held in the same room as labs. It was large, spacious, filled with enough tables and chairs that the forty or so students in his lab always had room left over, but today, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to find a seat. He stood inside the door, scanning the room for a seat before giving up and aiming for a spot on the floor near a table and an outlet. He plugged his laptop in and raised his hand, waiting for help. Miraculously, a CA came to him within a few minutes. “What’s the issue?” he asked.

“Um, I don’t really know,” Dan said. “My code won’t compile and I’m getting this error?”

The CA bent over to look at Dan’s screen. “You probably have a missing parenthesis or curly brace somewhere,” the CA told him. He flicked shaggy blond hair out of his eyes.

“Where?” Dan asked.

The CA double-clicked on the error message, which brought his cursor to the start of one of Dan’s method names. “Somewhere above here, probably.”

“But where?” Dan asked.

The CA shrugged, already moving away. “I’m really sorry, there are a lot of people I need to help. You’ll have to look for it yourself.”

Dan scowled and stared at his code, looking for the line with the error. His eyes flickered between lines of code, scanning for matching parenthesis and curly braces. His eyes blurred. It looked fine. It really looked fine. Was there really something wrong? He hit the run button again.

The same error message appeared. Dan groaned in frustration. He went back to hunting for his mistake.

Half an hour later, Dan found his mistake. This time when he ran his code, the test suites started running too. Dan let out a breath he had been holding for much too long and let his shoulders sag, relief coursing through him. He didn’t even care that he failed every single test. The fact that his code ran at all was honestly a miracle. He stared at the new error messages, trying to figure out exactly what was going on. He had no idea what he was even looking for, but he stared at it resolutely, fighting back a yawn.

He was just about to give up when Phil materialized in front of him. “How’s it going?” Phil asked.

Dan looked up. “Oh, hey. I didn’t know you were doing office hours today,” he lied.

Phil smiled. “Surprise, I guess. How goes the coding?”

Dan explained the situation.

“So you’ve moved on from getting a compile error to getting a runtime error!” Phil said. “Now you can start debugging.”

“Lucky me,” Dan said.

Phil laughed. “Debugging isn’t fun, I’ll give you that. But when everything falls together? It’s the best feeling in the world.” He glanced around. “I should get to helping people.”

“What if I need help?” Dan complained.

“Raise your hand,” Phil said, trying and desperately failing to wink before sweeping off to help other students. “See you.”

Dan returned to his laptop, hiding a smile. His smile slowly faded as he worked. His code was not as easy to fix as he had hoped it would be when he first got it to compile.

He worked on it for about an hour, during which a chair opened up at a nearby table and he scrambled for a seat. He raised his hand.

It only took a few minutes for Phil to arrive. “So what’s the issue?” he asked, leaning over Dan’s shoulder.

“I’m not really sure,” he admitted. “There’s, um, a lot going on.”

Phil nodded. “So, where did you start?”

“Kind of everywhere,” Dan confessed.

“Okay, well, don’t do that,” Phil said. “How about you start with the first method?”

Dan scrolled up. “This one?”

“Sure. It doesn’t really matter.”

Dan had some code written there, all spaghetti lines splashed with lines of red like tomato sauce. He resolutely ignored the slight pangs of hunger in his stomach. “It’s failing the tests.”

“Well, you’re not done, are you?”

Dan felt slightly silly. “No,” he mumbled.

“Then how about you get it done?” Phil said. “Read the documentation a few times and ask me if you have any questions, but try to find answers in the documentation first.”

Dan scowled. Phil smiled. Why was his stupid face always so fucking happy?

He read the documentation, like Phil told him to. When he got confused, he read it again. It slowly started to make more sense.

He started typing again, working on a single method this time instead of jumping around. The first two went okay, but he got stuck on the third for an embarrassingly long time.

He looked around and raised his hand, but the TAs and CAs all looked busy, and none of them seemed to notice. He sighed and put it down.

He must have sighed really loudly, because the girl next to him shot him a look.

“Sorry,” he said.

She rolled her eyes. “It’s fine.”

He glared at his screen again, hoping that the error in his logic would suddenly jump into focus. It didn’t. He sighed again.

The girl next to him glared again.

Dan meant to apologize, but he accidentally said something else. “Can you help me?”

For one frightening moment, he thought she might snap him in half. But then she didn’t. “With what?” she asked.

“I don’t know why I’m failing this test case.” He turned his laptop towards her.

She hesitated for a second before looking. Her eyes lit up in recognition. “Oh, I got that error before.” She reached over to scroll on Dan’s laptop and pointed out a section of his code. “You see here? You’re not checking that the input is valid.”

Dan stared at it. “But-” Something clicked. “Oh,” he said. “Oh.” He reached for his keyboard and added a few lines of code above the section she had pointed out. He ran the autograder and held his breath.

A hundred percent. Thank god. He allowed himself to look up from his laptop for the first time in an hour and realized the room was almost empty except for him, Phil, the girl sitting next to him, and a few other scattered students.

Dan spent a few more moments glancing at Phil, trying to gauge when he would be done so they could leave at the same time, but Phil didn’t look like he was going to leave anytime soon. Dan watched as Phil sat next to another- student? course assistant? TA? Dan couldn’t tell. Phil laughed and threw his arm around the other boy.

He knew Phil had an ex-boyfriend, Dan realized with a jolt, and it sounded recent, but he had no idea if Phil was currently seeing anyone. There was a lot he didn’t know about Phil. Ears burning, he buried his face back in his laptop, trying to look busy, even though he didn’t have anything left to do other than submit his work.

He snuck another glance at Phil. Phil didn’t have his arm around the other boy anymore, but they were hunched together over the same laptop, shoulders pressed together, exchanging glances and the occasional laugh as the other boy explained something, animated. A bolt of jealousy shot through Dan’s stomach. He tried to ignore it.

They were just quiet enough that Dan couldn’t make out the details of their conversation, but just loud enough to be distracting. His eyes were drawn back to them again and again.

Dan had always been a jealous person. He had learned to cope with it over the years, but nothing ever seemed to make it go away completely. It stemmed from a place of insecurity, he knew, because as nice as Phil might be, as nice as anyone might be to Dan, there was no way they would ever really like him. And if they did, they were just seconds away from realizing what a bad deal they got with Dan, how much better they could do.

Dan wrenched his gaze away from Phil again. He could submit his work when he got back to his dorm. He waited until Phil’s back was turned before slipping out the door.

***

The next Monday, when Dan slunk into the back of lecture and sat in the closest seat to the door he could find, he realized he recognized the head in front of him. He tapped her shoulder to say hello.

“What’s your name?” Dan asked. “I just realized I never got it this weekend. Sorry.”

She glanced at him, startled. “Helen.” Her blue hair rustled, and suddenly something clicked.

“Hey, wait. Did we meet on the first day of class?”

She stared at him. “Were you that guy who was late?”

Dan nodded. “Yes.”

Helen laughed. “God, I thought Professor Ross was going to kill you.”

Dan smiled, embarrassed. “I thought so too. I’m Dan, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you, Dan.” She smiled.

“Really?” Dan asked. “I’m going to be honest, most times we’ve met before I haven’t made a great impression.”

Helen froze. “You totally think I’m a bitch; I’m so sorry.”

“No, no,” Dan started, but Helen was already talking again.

“I’m so sorry, I was just super stressed that first day of class and when I saw you the other day I hadn’t finished my MP yet and I-”

Dan cut in. “Seriously, you’re fine.” He smiled. “And you helped me anyway, which is what really matters.”

Helen took a deep breath. “Cool.”

“Cool,” Dan said. “So, do you-”

Their professor started speaking, interrupting Dan. “Later,” Helen said, swivelling to focus completely on class.

Dan envied the totality of her focus, the way she was able to switch it on and off like it was nothing. The only thing he had ever been able to focus on with that kind of intensity was video games. He reluctantly turned back to the front of the room and tried to herd his thoughts into something resembling order.

He failed. No matter how much he tried to pay attention to the lecture, his thoughts kept drifting back to Phil. Phil, offering to buy some dumb freshman a coffee. Phil, offering him a ride home. Phil, teasing him when he asked for help and telling him to wait in line. Phil, helping him anyway.

Dan smiled. He couldn’t help it.

Oh god. He had a crush on Phil.

There was no way he could be expected to focus on class now. No way.

He tried anyway. He wrote some notes on a google doc. Something about inheritance and pets and dogs and cats and he wondered if Phil was a cat or a dog person and fuck. He was fucked.

He tried really hard to focus. He really did. But when class ended, he had about five lines of notes that probably wouldn’t even make sense to the professor if he showed them to her.

His mood brightened slightly when he noticed Helen waiting for him at the door of the auditorium.

“Hey!” he said, hurrying to meet her.

“Hey!” she said. “So, how was lecture?”

“It was lecture,” Dan said. “How do you expect me to say it went?”

Helen shrugged. “I took APCS last year, and we’re finally getting into stuff that I haven’t seen before. I actually really like it.”

“This is my first programming class,” Dan said.

“Oh, wow,” Helen said. “I would probably die.”

Dan was dying a little bit. “It’s pretty rough,” he admitted.

“Why are you taking it then? Is it a required class for you?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Dan said. “This is my major. Unfortunately.”

“Unfortunately?” she asked.

Dan shrugged.

She let it drop. “It’s required for me too. I’m actually a double major, though; this and film studies.”

Dan stopped. “Wait, are you by any chance in my film class too?”

“FS 105?” she asked.

“Yes!” Dan smiled.

“One o’clock, Tuesdays and Thursdays, with Professor Min?”

Dan nodded again. “We should try to sit next to each other.”

“Sure!” she said. “Can I give you my number?”

“Yeah,” Dan said, digging through his bag and handing her his phone. She quickly put her number in and handed it back.

“See you around!” she said.

“See you!” Dan replied. He made the usual walk back towards his dorm, but he felt a bit lighter than normal this time.

***

After seeing Phil with the other boy in office hours, Dan tried to avoid Phil at his next lab. He managed to escape a tiny bit early while Phil was talking to another student. The next week, he wasn’t so lucky. When he tried to duck out, Phil was already waiting for him outside the classroom.

“I haven’t heard from you in a bit,” he said.

Dan shrugged. “I’ve been busy.” It wasn’t a lie. Most of his classes were completely kicking his ass at the moment, and he still hadn’t started the next MP, which was sure to be a completely new level in the history of ass-kickery.

“Classes are catching up to you?”

Dan nodded.

“You seemed stressed at office hours. I hope MP Zero went okay?”

Dan nodded. “I think I just left it a bit late.”

Phil huffed. “That’s a mood if I’ve ever heard one. I’m the world’s worst procrastinator.”

Dan felt that that title should probably belong to him.

“Anyway, I hope you’re doing okay,” Phil said, shoving his hands into his pockets. “The first semester of college can be really rough.”

Dan blinked. Was Phil… worried about him?

“Thanks,” Dan said, his voice coming out startlingly watery.

He hadn’t expected Phil to show… genuine concern for him. Maybe he wasn’t just some dumb freshman Phil had picked up out of pity. Phil seemed to… actually care about him.

Phil nodded. “Let me know if you ever want to talk,” he said softly.

Dan nodded, not trusting his voice.

“See you around,” Phil said, patting Dan’s shoulder and moving past him with a quick, almost embarrassed smile.

“Yeah,” Dan echoed to an empty room. “See you.”

***

Dan was determined not to leave the second MP to the last minute. He started it an entire week before it was due.

He downloaded the starter code and read a bit of the documentation, then decided he deserved a break. He picked up his phone and texted Phil.

i’m bored, he said.

Dan barely put his phone down before he got a reply.

Mood, Phil said.

Dan opened the text. He wasn’t even sure how he would reply, but Phil was already typing again.

Where are you?

Dan glanced around his dorm room. dorm, he sent.

Where’s dorm? Phil asked.

Dan settled back into his pillow of blankets. you know where i live, he replied.

I forgot.

Dan laughed. ur the worst friend, he typed.

Just remind me lol don’t mock me like this

Dan wanted to push it further, but he also wanted to know why Phil wanted to know where he was. walton, remember? he sent.

That’s only ten minutes from where I am rn lol, Phil sent back. Wanna meet up?

Dan only hesitated for about ten seconds this time. sure, wya?

Phil sent him the address of the coffee shop where they first met: The Daily Grind.

Dan responded with a thumbs-up emoji. He shoved his feet into his sneakers and left his dorm faster than he would have thought humanly possible.

It was embarrassing, he reflected, how easy it was to get him to go places Phil would be. Maybe he would go to classes more often if he got someone to text him saying Phil would be there ahead of time.

The walk was supposed to be ten minutes. Dan swore the anticipation made it feel like at least twenty, but according to his watch it was actually seven and a half.

He arrived at the coffee shop only slightly out of breath. He saw Phil almost right away, but had to wait ten minutes in line for his coffee before he was able to slide into the seat across from Phil.

“Hey,” he said.

Phil smiled. “Hey. How’s it going?”

“Okay. I got started on the next MP today.”

Phil’s eyes lit up. “Good!” he said. “Not too hard, I hope?”

“Yeah,” Dan said, deciding to quickly change the subject. “What are you working on?”

Phil frowned at his screen. “Thesis things.”

“Writing?”

Phil shook his head. “No, not yet. Just looking at data.”

“Can I see?”

“Sure,” Phil said, turning his laptop around, “But it probably doesn’t mean much to you.”

It didn’t, but Dan nodded anyway. “Nice,” he said.

Phil shrugged. “It’s not really nice at the moment, but thank you.” He paused. “Did you bring anything to work on?”

Dan had his laptop and most of his notes for his classes, so he could work on those, he supposed, but he didn’t want to. “I was hoping we could just hang out. If you’re not too busy, anyway.”

“I could use a break,” Phil admitted, closing his laptop. “What do you want to talk about?”

Dan thought about it for a moment. “Tell me about your thesis topic,” he eventually said.

Phil started. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” said Dan. “Just make sure to explain it to me like I’m three, because in Computer Science years, I am.”

Phil nodded slowly. “So, I’m studying human-computer interaction. Do you know what that is?”

“No idea,” Dan said, sipping his coffee.

“Well, it’s basically- like, we communicate with computers using a keyboard and mouse. Or a touchscreen if you’re on a phone, or a touchpad if you’re on a laptop, or whatever- you get the idea. And mostly that works okay, but what if there were better ways to communicate with your computer?”

“Are there?”

Phil shrugged. “Well, I like to think that what we have now is better than crawling around inside a computer and reconnecting vacuum tubes like they did seventy years ago or whatever.”

Dan nodded.

“But then when you get to weird, complex stuff like AI, it’s like, we could communicate with this the way we communicate with regular computer programs. But we could also do literally everything in the terminal, and we don’t, partly because it’s a pain in the ass and partly because it makes technology super inaccessible to non-tech people.” Phil paused. “Like, could you imagine scrolling through Instagram by running a program in the terminal and putting in a new command to see each photo, and there was a special command to like or comment or share? That’d be a terrible user experience.”

“I don’t even know how to do anything in the terminal,” Dan confessed. “I think the only time I’ve ever opened it is when someone else did it for me.”

“Exactly!” Phil said. “It’s also really unfriendly to beginners. Like, can you even imagine having to program computers in an era where you’d actually have to program in actual machine code? I would die.”

Dan confirmed that, he, too, would probably die under those circumstances. Or just pick a different major.

“So anyway, to make, for example, things like AI more accessible to people without a PhD, or people without any technology background whatsoever, we need to build user interfaces for those. And those user interfaces might not look anything like computers we’re used to. For example, some people are looking into AIs you can communicate with the same way you’d communicate with another person, or computer programs that are controlled by your brain. I mean, they’re a long way away, but I’m actually doing some research with that.”

“That’s… really cool,” said Dan.

“So yeah,” Phil said, messing with his coffee mug. “It’s way more complicated than that, obviously, but that’s the gist of it.”

“Thanks for telling me,” Dan said.

Phil shrugged. “Thanks for listening. I know it’s not really interesting unless you’re already interested.”

Dan shrugged. “I’m interested in you. So it’s interesting.” He realized the way that sounded when the words were just halfway out of his mouth, and he felt blood rising in his cheeks.

Phil’s cheeks colored. He cleared his throat. “Thanks,” he said awkwardly.

Dan tried really, really hard not to die. Luckily, Phil changed the subject. “So, how’s everything else going for you? Like, the not-CS stuff.”

Dan decided not to tell Phil that his life was, in fact, falling apart, and he had no friends. “It’s going okay,” he said. “My classes are honestly really intense, though, I haven’t had much time outside of them.”

“You said you got a start on MP One, though, right? That’s good.”

Dan shrugged. “I cloned the repo.”

“That’s still a start,” Phil encouraged.

Dan shrugged again.

“Feel free to ask for help if you need it. Office hours are basically 24/7, and this time I’m not doing Sunday office hours, so I’ll have some free time then if you want me specifically.”

“I think I’ll be okay,” Dan lied. “But thanks.”

“Yeah, any time,” Phil said, looking down. His phone buzzed and he jumped. “Fuck.”

“What?” Dan asked.

“Sorry,” Phil said. “I have class in fifteen minutes.” He glanced down at his phone. “I mean, it’s just a lecture….” He trailed off.

“No, you should go,” Dan said. “I have class soon too.”

“Yeah,” Phil said, shoving his phone into his pocket. “Sorry. Um, see you soon?”

“Yeah, of course!” Dan said.

Phil hesitated for a bit, leaning towards Dan as if he was going to give him a hug before lurching back again and awkwardly waving goodbye. “Text me,” he said, before leaving.

Dan did, eventually, just not under ideal circumstances. The next week, he sat down to start actually coding for MP1.

He didn’t understand the documentation or the starter code, or what an object was and why it was oriented and programming. In general, as the kids would say, he was not vibing.

He considered texting Helen, but then he remembered how stressed she was before the last MP deadline and thought better of it.

He remembered Phil’s offer to help. He hesitated, but reached for his phone anyway.

i need help, he texted Phil.

Don’t we all, Phil replied nearly instantly. With what?

MP1, Dan said.

We can meet up if you want? Unless your question is pretty basic, then you can just ask now

Even though Phil had offered to help him, a wave of relief crashed through Dan when he realized Phil really meant it. He hesitated. meeting up would be good if you’re not too busy

I’m not! I’m just hanging out at the daily grind all day. Let me know if you want to stop by.

Dan didn’t want to look too desperate for help, but at the same time, he was. i’ll be there soon, he replied. He tossed his laptop and charger into his bag and left the library.

***

“That was fast,” Phil commented when Dan slid into the booth across from him.

“I was nearby,” Dan said.

Phil closed his laptop. “So what do you need help with?” he asked, leaning across the table.

“I think something’s wrong with my constructor,” Dan said.

Phil frowned. “That’s like, half the checkpoint. Can you be more specific?”

“Uhhhh,” Dan said. “So, I think the issue might be that I’m having trouble with the concept of a constructor.”

“Okay,” Phil said. “What part?”

Dan felt his face go red. “All of it?”

Phil sighed. “Can I use your computer?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Phil tilted Dan’s laptop towards him, pulled up a browser and quickly navigated to the course home page, and then the slides for last week’s lecture.

“Here you go,” Phil said, clapping Dan’s shoulder. “Let me know if you have any questions about the notes.”

“Thanks,” Dan said sarcastically. He spent about 15 minutes reading through the slides before switching to watching the lecture videos at two times speed, reaching over to tap Phil on the shoulder and ask questions whenever he reached anything that confused him.

Then, when he finally finished reviewing lectures, he started the MP. It made a bit more sense now. A bit.

After he had written out most of the checkpoint, he ran the test suites, but again, his code wouldn’t compile. It listed a few errors this time, luckily not as many as he had gotten last time he had the missing curly brace. He frowned at his screen, unable to decipher what exactly they meant, before flipping his computer to show Phil and tapping his shoulder.

Phil pulled his headphones off to examine the screen.

“Hang on,” he said. “Are you writing out the entire thing before trying to compile and test it?”

Dan looked up at Phil. “I mean, not the entire thing.”

“But most of it?”

“I guess, yeah.”

“Don’t do that. Run your code literally as often as possible. It makes it easier to tell when you break it. Didn’t they mention that in lecture?”

Dan shrugged. He honestly wasn’t sure what was happening in lecture these days.

“Well, they should have,” Phil said, returning to his coffee. “Anyway, the first two errors are probably telling you you’re missing a semicolon, and it looks like the third doesn’t recognize a variable or method name. Common culprits for that will be typos or forgetting to declare it properly.” He paused to scroll a bit through Dan’s code. “Yeah, just take a look at each error on its own, fix it, try running your code again, and see if it makes it better or worse. And in the future, run your code more often so you’ll generally only have to fix one error at a time.”

Dan groaned.

“Debugging never gets fun, kid.”

Dan wrinkled his nose. “I’m nineteen. Don’t call me kid.” He decided not to comment on the other reason he thought it was weird for Phil to call him kid.

“Sure, kid.” Phil reached over to pat his head. Dan swatted his hand away.

“Oy. Don’t mess up my hair.”

Phil laughed.

“I’m serious. I spend like an hour straightening it every morning. If you mess it up I’ll kill you.”

“Okay, okay,” Phil said, leaning back. He raised his hands in the air. “No hair touchy. See?”

“Good,” Dan said, returning to his work. Occasionally, he stopped to ask Phil questions. Phil was annoyingly unhelpful. He refused to answer half of Dan’s questions, instead redirecting him to google or the documentation.

“It’s my sacred obligation as a tutor,” Phil said. “You’re never supposed to just give people an answer. You have to give them the skills to find the answer themselves.”

“Did you memorize that from a handbook somewhere? That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.”

Phil shook his head, looking hurt. “I wrote the handbook we use to train Course Assistants.”

Dan laughed. “Of course you did.”

Phil looked insulted. “Someone had to.”

Dan relented. “I’m sure it’s a great manual.”

Phil sat back, still pouting slightly. “We didn’t have any training procedures before I took over the program.”

“Thank you for your service,” Dan said.

“You’re welcome,” Phil said. “Now get back to work, kid.”

They fell into comfortable silence. Phil put his headphones back on, and Dan slipped his earbuds in.

He was actually making decent progress when Phil interrupted him by pushing Dan’s computer screen down slightly.

Dan looked up.

“It’s getting late. I think I’m going to go back to my apartment,” Phil said.

“Oh,” Dan said. “Okay.”

Phil started clearing his books of their table, then hesitated. “Want to come with?”

Dan’s heart started to beat faster. “Yeah, sure,” he said, doing his best to sound normal.

“I hope that’s not weird. Sorry, I just get my best work done there, and it’s getting close to dinner- if you don’t mind staying for dinner, anyway, we could also grab something on the way.”

“I’m cool with whatever,” Dan said, starting to pack his things.

“Instant ramen it is!” Phil said. “I also have mac and cheese if you’d prefer that. The college staples.”

“Sure,” Dan said. “It beats dorm food. They’re having meatloaf tonight.”

Phil winced. “Is that as bad as it was at my undergrad?”

Dan shrugged his backpack over his shoulder. “Probably. Meatloaf is bad everywhere.”

Phil laughed. “Don’t tell my mom I laughed at that.”

“Why do moms everywhere think meatloaf is so great?”

“I wish I knew,” Phil said. “Maybe I’d be able to get them to stop making it.”

“The one thing technology can’t do,” Dan mused.

“I promise you there’s a Silicon Valley startup dedicated to that somewhere.”

“Really?” Dan asked.

Phil rolled his eyes. “There are dumb silicon valley startups for almost everything.” He stood up. “You ready?”

“Yeah,” said Dan, following.

“My car is in the shop,” Phil explained. “I hope you don’t mind walking.”

“That’s fine,” said Dan, who would never dream of saying anything even if he did mind.

“It’s not too far, just twenty minutes. I normally walk it, actually, since parking on campus is hell.”

“I walk that far all the time. I still haven’t figured out the bus system,” Dan admitted.

Phil laughed. “Wait until it gets cold. You’ll figure it out soon enough.”

“God, don’t remind me,” Dan mumbled. Phil laughed.

They spent the rest of the walk in comfortable conversation. Phil asked Dan about his family, and Dan asked about his in return. Dan told Phil about his younger brother at home in California and his parents who were so insistent that he get his degree. Phil told Dan about his older brother who already ran his own business, was engaged to his girlfriend, and was only a year and a half older than him.

“It’s kind of hard to measure up to that,” Phil said with a slightly bitter laugh. “I mean, I love Martyn, I really do, but I’ll never be like him.”

“Is it your parents pressuring you about it? Or just yourself?” Dan asked.

Phil shrugged. “Mostly me, I guess. It’s nothing they’ve really done, I just… feel like I’m not what they’re supposed to want. Even if they don’t mind.”

“You’re getting your Master’s degree,” Dan said, “In a subject that will actually get you a job after you graduate. That’s better than a lot of people can say.”

Phil was quiet for a moment. “But I’m me,” he said. “I dropped out of my PhD program and my grades in undergrad sucked and I don’t even know why they let me in here. And my parents want me to hurry up and have babies, and I’m, well, gay.” He shook his head. “Sorry, that’s so dumb. I was joking with that thing I said the other day about my mom, they don’t mind. Literally everyone around me is fine, I’m just… not. I don’t know, I can’t imagine someone not being disappointed in me.”

“No,” Dan said. “I get it.”

They walked in silence for a few minutes.

Phil cleared his throat. “That was sad.”

Dan laughed. “If you want sad, we can talk about my relationship with my dad.”

Phil shook his head. “That’s okay. Unless you want to.”

“There isn’t much to talk about. He’s just, y’know. Vaguely a homophobe.”

“I’m sorry,” Phil said. Dan could see the pain reflected in Phil’s eyes. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

“Yeah,” Dan said. “But thanks,” he added more softly.

“Sure,” Phil said.

Dan cleared his throat. “Anyway,” he said, changing the subject, “You mentioned you knew a lot of dumb silicon valley startups?”

Phil laughed. “Luckily, most of the worst ideas never got that far. Mostly, I’m just annoyed about how pushy those people get. I once had a guy try to talk to me about his password manager startup the week before finals while I was in the library trying to study.”

Dan laughed. “Did you let him?”

“That’s the worst part,” Phil said, letting his voice rise to a whine. “I didn’t want to be rude and tell him to go away so I just sat through his entire ten minute pitch. It was awful.”

“Oh no,” Dan said, giggling.

Phil thumped his shoulder. “Don’t laugh at me,” he whined. “It was traumatizing!”

Dan laughed harder.

“Don’t pretend you’d be any different,” Phil reproached.

“You don’t know me,” Dan defended himself. “Maybe I’m secretly super confrontational.”

Phil wrinkled his nose. “Sure, kid.”

“Don’t call me kid,” Dan reproached.

“Sure, child.”

“That’s worse. I will have you know I am a legal adult.”

“Sure you are,” Phil said.

Dan pouted. He didn’t look that young. “I’m not that baby-faced,” he said.

Phil looked skeptical.

“I’m not,” he insisted.

“Sure,” Phil said, smiling. “Anyway, my apartment’s just over here.” He led Dan to a door just a few feet into an alley. He jiggled his key in the lock, pushed his shoulder against the door, and led Dan into in his apartment.

Dan didn’t really know what to expect from a college student’s apartment, but he supposed Phil’s apartment fit the stereotypes. It was small and dimly lit, but mostly clean, with a common area with a sofa and a TV connected to a kitchen and a hallway that Dan assumed led to the bedrooms.

“We can work in my room, if that’s okay,” Phil said. “I don’t want to bother my roommates.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Dan said automatically. Inside, though, he was freaking out. Phil’s room? He was almost 99% certain Phil didn’t mean it like that, but if he did...

Phil must have noticed the look on Dan’s face, because he paused. “Are you sure it’s fine?”

“Yes,” Dan insisted.

“Was it what I said earlier? I was just teasing,” Phil said softly. “You’re not that baby-faced. I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings.”

Dan’s face felt warm. “No, it’s okay. Sorry, I just-”

“You don’t need to apologize if I made you uncomfortable,” Phil said.

“You didn’t,” Dan said.

“You’d tell me if I did, right?”

Dan shrugged helplessly.

Phil shook his head. “I swear to god.”

“I’ll try,” Dan said.

“Good. Now, do you want to go to my room or do you want to stay in the living room?”

“Your room is fine.”

“Okay,” Phil said, leading Dan through his living room, down a hall, and into his room. He immediately dumped his backpack onto a pile of (hopefully) clean laundry. “Sorry it’s a mess,” he said, clearly embarrassed. “I wasn’t expecting to have anyone over today.”

To be honest, Phil’s room was pretty messy, but Dan wasn’t in a position to judge. Living in a single dorm room without his mom to yell at him to pick up his dirty laundry meant things could get pretty bad in his room.

Phil gestured to his bed. “You can sit here if you’d like. There’s also my desk.”

Phil’s desk was buried under mountains of papers, and it looked like there were some stacked on his chair too. There were way too many papers for someone whose main assignments were submitted via GitHub. Dan sat down on the bed.

“Cool,” Phil said. “I’ll be back in a minute, just going to make the ramen. Make yourself at home.”

Dan was tempted to snoop, but he opened up the MP again instead, staring at his code. He was only failing one test suite now, but he couldn’t figure out why. He checked the time. He only had an hour before he had to submit his code.

He frowned, as if glaring at his code would make it suddenly make sense. He thought he might be making progress when Phil’s door opened, interrupting his thoughts.

Phil handed Dan a mug and a spoon. “Sorry,” he said. “All the bowls are dirty.”

“That’s fine,” Dan said, setting aside his laptop. He could take a few minutes to eat.

It seemed like Phil had the same thought process, sitting next to Dan on his bed with his own mug and bowl. They ate quickly in companionable silence, but Phil was the first to finish, downing the last of his broth and setting it on his desk. Dan followed his lead.

Before Phil could get too absorbed in his own work, Dan tapped his shoulder.

“Can you help me with this for a sec?” he asked.

“Sure,” Phil said, looking over Dan’s shoulder. He paused for a moment, head cocked to the side, before speaking again. “That for loop- why does it only go until the length of the array minus one?”

“Because otherwise-” Dan stopped. “Oh. I was trying to avoid an index out of bounds exception, but I guess I didn’t need to do that there.” He was acutely aware of Phil’s shoulder pressed into his back.

Phil shrugged. “Let’s see.”

Dan changed the code and ran the test suite again.

Slowly, the symbols next to each test case turned green.

Dan stared at it, unbelieving.

“Don’t forget to commit and push,” Phil said.

Dan nodded, still in shock, his hands moving to submit his work almost automatically. “It worked,” he said breathlessly. “It worked!”

Phil closed his laptop and set it aside. “Really,” he said with a twinkle in his eye. “I was right?”

“Literally shut the fuck up,” Dan said, putting his laptop on top of Phil’s and flopping down so he was lying right next to Phil. “You’re so fucking annoying.”

“Really,” Phil said, laughing into Dan’s shoulder.

“Yes,” Dan groaned, and then Phil’s eyes were right there, so close, and then they were even closer, and their lips were touching, and it was nothing and everything like Dan had imagined.

Phil was warm and soft and solid in his mouth, under his hands, beneath his skin. His hands ran over Dan’s chest, dipped under his shirt. Dan gasped.

“You okay?” Phil asked, his normally light eyes dark with concern and something else.

“Yeah,” Dan said. “Yeah, that felt… really nice.”

“Okay,” Phil said, running his hands down Dan’s arms. “We don’t have to-”

“I want to,” Dan said, gripping Phil back. “Please don’t stop.”

“Okay,” Phil said, and he kissed him again, and this time he didn’t stop.

Afterwards, when the heat and grasping hands were done, Dan sat up, but Phil pulled him back down.

“Don’t go,” he said, wrapping his arms around Dan.

So Dan didn’t.

***

Dan’s alarm was blaring. He shifted, mindlessly, reaching for his phone to turn it off.

He fell out of bed. “Ow,” he mumbled, finally getting his phone to shut up.

Phil’s head poked out from his bedsheets. “Dan?” he asked groggily.

“I have a class,” Dan said, pulling his boxers on.

“It’s so early,” Phil said.

“Yeah,” Dan snapped. “That’s how eight am’s work, Phil.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Phil said, sitting up. “Do you need anything?”

“How long does it take to get to the main quad from here?” Dan asked, yanking his shirt over his head.

“Like half an hour? I can walk you-”

“Fuck,” Dan said, looking at his phone (which was at a disturbingly low percentage). “I’m going to be late.”

“You can skip, Dan, I really want to talk to you-”

“No, I can’t,” Dan said harshly. He was tying his shoes now.

“Okay,” Phil said, “But Dan, we really need to-”

Dan left before Phil could finish his sentence.

***

He wasn’t sure if he should have bothered going to class. All he could think about was Phil anyway. The way his hands felt tangled in his hair. The way his mouth felt on his skin. Certainly not definite integrals.

He had classes back to back until his CS 115 lab. He didn’t even have time to go back to his dorm to change, just to scarf down a quick meal in the dining hall. He hoped no one noticed he was wearing yesterday’s clothes, but who even would? It wasn’t like anyone cared enough about him to pay enough attention.

He considered skipping his lab. He never really got anything out of it, and he wasn’t sure he was ready to face Phil possibly ever again.

He checked his grade. Well. No chance of missing lab, then.

He slunk in the back of the classroom and chose the closest seat to the door. He tried not to make eye contact with Phil when he walked in. Phil didn’t even seem to notice Dan. He looked disgustingly put together, Dan thought. He had no right to look like everything was fine.

Phil approached his lab table. Dan looked down.

“Dan?” Phil said. “Can I speak with you after class?”

Dan’s face was hot. He continued staring resolutely at the table. “Fine.”

“You and your boyfriend fighting, Howell?” the guy at the end of his lab table mocked.

“That was inappropriate, Nathan,” Phil said.

Nathan just rolled his eyes. Dan’s face got even hotter.

He didn’t finish his lab. At a certain point, he gave up trying. He was useless at coding, and he was even more useless with Phil standing behind him every time he turned around. He scowled, staring at his screen, willing a solution to appear. He was almost grateful when Phil dismissed the class and he could put his laptop away and give up.

He started to head out the door when he heard Phil’s voice.

“Dan,” Phil said.

Dan turned around, rolling his eyes. “Yes, sir.”

Phil blushed. “I hope you didn’t forget about our meeting,” he managed, flustered.

“How could I forget?” Dan asked, sarcasm lacing his voice.

“Dan.” Phil took a deep breath. “I’m trying to give you some leeway right now, given the situation. But that is not an appropriate way to speak to your TA.”

Dan stared at Phil sullenly.

“Okay,” Phil said. “Dan, you’re not doing very well in this class.”

Dan continued staring.

“I’m not here to encourage you to drop the class or anything. Hopefully this is a temporary setback we can work through. There are a lot of resources available to you as a student of this university. We want you to succeed.”

“That’s nice,” Dan said. “Anything else?”

Phil sighed. “Dan, can we talk?”

“About what?”

“I think you know what. You kind of ran off this morning.” Phil took Dan’s silence as encouragement to keep talking. “Dan, I- I shouldn’t have done that. I’m your TA, and you’re my student. That’s bad enough. But Dan, you’re my friend. I wanted to make sure that everything we did last night… that you were okay with it.”

Dan stared at the ground.

“I would never want to hurt you. But you need to tell me if I did.”

“You didn’t,” Dan said.

Phil relaxed slightly. “I’m glad. But I’m still sorry.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “It was that bad, huh?”

“I just meant- Dan, I really like you. But I can’t do this while you’re my student. I’m sorry. I just can’t. Maybe next semester, if we’re both still interested, but right now, I’m just not comfortable with that.”

“Great,” Dan said.

“Really, I’m sorry. I hope we can still be friends.”

Dan’s stomach twisted. “Friends.”

“It’s okay if you can’t do that. It’s okay if you never want to see me again. You can switch lab sections. You can-“

“No,” Dan said. “You’re literally my only friend. I’m not losing you over something as stupid as this.”

“That’s really sweet,” Phil said. “But you really need to get more friends.”

“I know,” Dan said. He did, unfortunately, but knowing he needed more friends didn’t mean it was easy to make them.

“Dan. If we’re going to be friends, I just need you to know I really am sorry. It was my job not to cross any boundaries, not yours, and now I’ve gone and made it all weird.”

“Stop acting like this is all your fault!” Dan exploded. “Stop sitting there fucking apologizing like you did something I didn’t want. I’m nineteen, I knew what I was doing, and if I didn’t want it, I wouldn’t have fucking said I wanted it.”

Phil stared at Dan. “Dan, I- look, I’m just saying-”

“Well, stop.”

Phil raised his hands defensively. “Fine.”

“Fine.”

“Okay then. I guess we’re done. Unless you have anything else you want to say.”

Dan glared at him. “No.”

“Okay. See you next week, unless you decide to switch lab sections.” Phil reached for his coat.

“Wait,” Dan said. “I have a question.”

“About?”

“Computer Science.”

“Okay,” Phil said, stepping closer to Dan.

“Do you like CS?” Dan asked quietly.

Phil sighed. “It’s, well, it’s a love-hate relationship. And to be completely honest, I hate it more than I love it most days. But when I love it, I really love it. And even when I hate it, I really do believe that software has the power to change the world. And I want to be a part of that change.”

Dan nodded, staring at the floor.

Phil moved even closer. “I know a lot of people go into CS for the wrong reasons,” he continued, even more gently. “It sounds cool or the starting salaries are so high or they want the power to reshape the world in their image. And then they get here and it turns out computer science is hard, and frustrating, and time consuming, and sometimes, it’s just not for them. And that’s okay. It doesn’t make them any less valuable to society or less intelligent.”

Dan stared even more intently at the floor, willing himself not to cry.

“Are you thinking of changing majors?” Phil asked.

“I don’t know,” Dan said, and his voice came out disturbingly watery. “What would I even change it too?”

“You can figure that out. It’s okay if you do. It’s not for everyone.”

“No, it’s not,” Dan said. He blinked and suddenly the tears that he had been trying to hold back rushed out. “It’s not,” he repeated, this time through a sob.

“Dan,” Phil said, reaching for him, then closing his fist on thin air. “I’m really sorry.”

“For the last time, Phil. Stop apologizing.”

“I just want you to be happy, Dan. I hate seeing you like this.”

“That must be really fucking hard for you, Phil. Want to tell me more?” Dan couldn’t help the bitter laugh that spilled from his throat.

Phil watched helplessly. “Computer science is hard, Dan. Especially if this is your first class. Computer science is frustrating and confusing and hard and no one’s code ever works right on the first try and if you’ve never had a breakdown over an assignment you either have incredible time management skills or you’ve only been doing CS for like a month or you’re a liar. And I’m not going to pretend that doesn’t suck, but you come out from it a better version of yourself each time. I’m the programmer I am today because of all of the times I’ve failed.”

Dan couldn’t help the waves of anger that rose up sharp and aching in his lungs. “That’s great, Phil, thanks. Thank you so much for being helpful. Really, it’s all going to be fine, because even though I’m fucking miserable, I’ll be a better person at the end of the day.”

“If you’re really that miserable you should drop,” Phil said.

Dan was silent.

“The drop deadline for CS 115 is in a week,” Phil said. “You have time to think about it.”

Dan nodded and wiped at his face.

“Can I help you with anything?” he asked desperately.

“I don’t think so,” Dan said.

They stood in silence for a few more moments before Dan left. “I don’t think we should talk anymore,” he said shakily, before walking out. Dan didn’t look back, and Phil didn’t follow. He went back to his dorm room, where he was finally able to cry again.

***

The actual moment was rather anticlimactic. The form was less than a page, and all he needed to do for it to be official was get his academic advisor to sign it, which wasn’t difficult, considering his grade in CS 115. Then he uploaded it as a PDF to his student portal and his major change was approved two days later.

Dan expected to feel better afterwards. Somehow, even though this had been sitting like a pit in his stomach for months, he just felt worse.

Without CS 115, his schedule felt weirdly empty. He had gaps in his schedule where he used to go to lecture (sometimes), study, work on the MP, and have mental breakdowns.

He left his dorm more often. He paid more attention in his other classes. He even made a few friends from his film class that he studied with sometimes. They even had time to hang out when they weren’t doing homework. One of the girls in the group probably had a crush on him. Dan supposed she was kind of cute. He didn’t know. He didn’t know much of anything lately, including what the fuck his sexuality was and whether or not he wanted to mess with some girl’s feelings in the process of finding out. And that was without even considering whatever the fuck had happened with Phil- if he was ready to move on from that relationship, if it could even be called that.

Dan filled his life with the things college was supposedly supposed to be about. He went to parties. He spent time with friends. He stayed up too late. He experimented with his look, leaving his hair in its natural, curly state instead of straightening it every morning. He wore clothes that weren’t baggy sweatshirts and jeans. He painted his nails. He even started wearing a tiny bit of makeup.

So why did he still feel so empty? It was probably natural after a breakup, or whatever you were supposed to call what had happened between him and Phil.

Dan had no reference for “normal.” He didn’t know what this was supposed to feel like, but he had a hunch that it wasn’t like this.

He stumbled through his days. He made an appointment with his school’s mental health center, but he wouldn’t be able to see a therapist for at least three weeks. Midterms were coming up, the woman on the phone explained, and they always filled up quickly around then. For now, all he could do was wait.

About two weeks later, he got a text from Phil.

You down for coffee today? I know you said you didn’t want to see me which I totally understand but I really miss you and I want to talk some things over.

Dan wasn’t sure how to respond. He wasn’t even sure if he did want to see Phil again.

idk i have a lot of homework

Phil replied almost instantly. You can bring your homework! I have some work to do too

Dan hesitated.

His phone dinged. We can be study buddies lol. It’ll be fun

Again. If you don’t want to come that’s fine. I just wanted to talk

Dan picked up his phone. sure, he typed, sending it before he could regret it.

Alright! 3:00?

sure, Dan sent again.

Perfect! See you then!

And then Dan had nothing to do but wait.

He regretted not asking Phil to meet up with him earlier than three. Now he was just going to spend the next two hours feeling incredibly anxious.

He tried to work on some homework, but he couldn’t focus. He could feel the same feelings he used to have for Phil bubbling up inside of him again, and he did his best to shove them down. Last time they spoke, Phil had said he wanted them to be friends. He had also had sex with him, so Dan felt Phil was sending a few mixed signals, but that wasn’t the point.

Dan wasn’t even sure what he hoped to gain out of a conversation with Phil. Closure, maybe? Some sort of reconciliation?

He certainly wasn’t hoping for a relationship. Was he? He wouldn’t have agreed to meet with Phil if he didn’t at least want to be friends. Probably.

He let himself imagine it. Just for a second.

He shut his laptop, grabbed his keys, and shoved his sneakers on. He needed a walk. He went through the process of leaving his dorm almost automatically, taking the back staircase instead of the elevator so he wouldn’t have to run into anyone else. Once outside, he shoved his hands in his pockets, doing his best to ignore the chill in the air.

He had put on his angstiest short playlist before he left, but when it ended about half an hour into the walk, Dan’s hands were too cold for him to even consider taking them out of his sweatshirt pockets for long enough to select a new playlist, so he just went back to his dorm, collapsing on his bed. He checked his phone. He still had an hour to go. He glanced longingly at his Xbox.

He probably had time for a quick game, he decided, reaching for his controller.

After just under fifty minutes of Skyrim, he felt much better. He rolled out of his bed, and after messing with his hair for a bit in the mirror, he put his thickest sweatshirt back on and left for The Daily Grind.

He spotted Phil almost immediately, staring at his laptop with two coffees sitting in front of him.

Dan approached.

Phil looked up. “I’ve got our drinks,” he said.

“That was fast,” Dan said.

Phil shrugged. “Maybe I got here ten minutes early to make sure you had your coffee when you got here. Who knows?”

“Thanks,” Dan said, sipping his coffee.

“Yeah, of course,” Phil said, and the way he said it made it sound so much like Dan had done him the favor that he almost believed him for a second.

They sat in silence for a while, before Dan spoke. “I submitted my major change form.”

Phil’s face lit up. “Dan, that’s great! What did you decide to change it to?”

“I was thinking something more arts-based. I’m taking a film class this semester and I really like it. I also really like the idea of creative writing. I don’t know.”

“Well, the good thing about most humanities majors is that it’s way easier to pick up a double major or a minor than in engineering. I actually really wanted to minor in English in undergrad, but I just didn’t have the time.”

“Wow,” Dan said. “How didn’t I know that?”

Phil shrugged. “I don’t talk about it a lot. Everyone has dreams that died, I guess. It’s impossible to fit them all into one life.”

“What if I don’t have any dreams?”

“You’ll figure it out,” Phil said with so much confidence that Dan almost believed him.

“I guess,” Dan said.

They were quiet for a few more minutes. “I dropped CS 115 too,” Dan said.

Phil looked up, his smile slowly growing. “I’m that shitty of a TA, huh?”

“I feel bad,” Dan confessed.

“I always felt bad whenever I dropped a class in undergrad,” Phil said. “I can’t imagine dropping out of an entire major.”

Dan focused on his coffee. “You said you liked being a TA because you liked to help students succeed.”

Phil paused. “I did,” he said. “And I do. It’s probably the most rewarding part of my job, and I’m going to miss it a lot after I graduate.”

“Even after watching people like me fail?” Dan asked.

“Dan,” Phil said. “No. You didn’t fail. You realized a subject wasn’t for you. That’s incredibly different.”

Dan shrugged. He didn’t really want to get into an argument with Phil, but he still felt like a failure, and he wasn’t sure anything could change that.

Phil sighed and changed the subject. “So how have things been going for you?”

Dan filled Phil in on the changes in his life, and Phil talked a bit about what had been going on in his. They avoided any difficult topics, choosing to stick with idle chitchat instead, but the pit in Dan’s stomach was growing.

There were some things he needed to ask. He gathered his courage. “Are you doing anything today?”

Phil looked slightly surprised, but he just shrugged. “Depends why you ask.”

“I’d like to hang out some more. If that’s okay.”

Phil blinked. “Hang out… why?”

Dan shrugged. “You’re really cool and I’d like to be friends with you.”

Phil looked disappointed. “That’s all?”

“Well.” Dan took a deep breath and looked at Phil’s eyes, studied their not-quite-familiar composition of blue and yellow and gold. “Maybe more. If you’d like.”

Phil reached across the table to take Dan’s hand. “I think I would.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a few more moments before Dan spoke. “You know, it’s getting cold out.”

Phil smiled. “It is. You still need that jacket?”

“If you don’t mind.”

“Want to head to my place then? You can grab it there, and we can… hang out. Do whatever you want.”

Dan smiled. “Sure.”

Dan left Phil’s apartment the next morning. He forgot Phil’s jacket.

Oh well. He’d just have to come back.