#you KNOW people will share or like it to absolve themselves of guilt without actually doing anything produxtive

[aboutmercy]

thinking about how dongsik and joowon are the inverse of each other. thinking about joowon's journey realizing that blood is not thicker than water, ties can be severed from abusive family members (no matter how painful that is) and that among many things, his father's cruelty is what took away and destroyed dongsik's family who actually were a positive force in his life. many things about beyond evil appeal to me, but i mainly want to put a pin on the central themes of the show, particularly the failures of adults and parental figures, how that ripples through the lives of their successors in an especially vicious and self-destructive manner. this is a commonality found between multiple characters in the show (minjeong, joowon and jeongje) - but i want to put emphasis on joowon's struggle with this because his path to freedom was walked to completion, in comparison to minjeong whose life was cut short and jeongje who we part with carrying the painful knowledge that he may never achieve absolution, as his journey has only begun.

the show, technically starts at the beginning of joowon's journey/arc. unfamiliarity and discomfort force him to adapt and self-reflect, because the only way joowon was able to free himself was by breaking every rule his father set for him, going beyond his selfish confines and breaking down the walls he built. joowon is unable to get his physical body dirty, he is emotionally closed-off and is incapable of understanding why the people in manyang, particularly dongsik, would look out for anyone other than themselves. he is selfish, rigid, guilt-ridden and bashful; but it is exposure to dongsik's unwavering faith in and patience for others (for jeongje, for sangbae, for the people of manyang that have wronged him for years) that erode his harsh edges. dongsik, although not without flaws and contrary to what his outer appearance and manner of speech radiate, is kind and forgiving. that kindess, that forgiveness, as well as joowon's own guilt and shame is essential to getting him to a point where he is comfortable bloodying his hands, his clothes, and his face to protect dongsik (+ jihwa and her partner. to protect his friends).

dongsik recognizes joowon's pain too ("i know what it's like to be blamed for something you didn't do"). he sees his guilt, it's not inordinate to what joowon's done per se but a large portion of it brings so much shame to joowon ("please, stop doing unnecessary things out of guilt.") how could i have been so self-righteous when the man who bore me is responsible for so much misery? how do i rectify this, how do i absolve myself from the guilt? all dilemmas joowon grapples with, and dongsik, knowing pain and shame all too well does not grant joowon mercy when he is bowed down, forehead to cuffed hands while joowon's own are also cupping dongsik's, begging for it. mercy is letting joowon go, it's lifting the burden of responsibility off his shoulders - but instead, dongsik’s final request ensures that joowon truly atones ("i ask you to arrest me" - "no, how could i do that? i have no right") by informing him that the only way to live with guilt is to try and do right by the people who expect something from him. "joowon-ah", dongsik says as he softly picks up joowon's clenched fist, the look they share informs joowon that going through with the arrest is how he'll do dongsik right. it's what dongsik, his now friend, expects from him. that's what their final scene as partners is all about, in my opinion.

and something good does come out of dongsik's firm but tender confrontation. joowon gradually becomes a better person who seeks community and whose life, in return, is enriched by the friends that forming community gave him. dongsik and joowon's parting is bittersweet, but in letting joowon know that his actions matter to others and that he is wanted and expected by others - (jihwa, as part of the larger collective whose feelings towards joowon are influenced by dongsik's, texts him and checks in - that expectation to show up and empathy for when he does not respond is an invitation letting him know that there is a place for him if he chooses to occupy any) - dongsik sets him free.

[herefortayloronly]

People who want BIPOC to sit down and “vote blue no matter who” are the same privileged people who care more about their comfort and status quo and the illusion of normalcy than the hardships and sufferings of BIPOC. They want BIPOC to sit down and “vote blue no matter who” because they think as long as there’s a democrat president or congressperson in office, they can tune out of politics. And it doesn’t sit right with me!

Every time BIPOC share the grievances of their people and express concern over the current leadership of the US and say they feel apprehensive supporting and voting for a president or whoever who supports the thing(s) that is hurting their people, some bitches, particularly white people, always have to turn it around and minimize BIPOC (voters) for expressing those concerns!! “I know you’re sad but if you don’t vote for biden then it’s trump and BIPOC won’t have it better under trump. If you don’t vote, trump will win!” Why is it always BIPOC’s job and responsibility to upheld the democracy of this state?!!!!! This country has done nothing for BIPOC but steal their homes, kill their people and treat them like second class citizens but as always when it’s time to vote in the presidential election, the pander starts pandering. Any other time you brush off their hurt, their pain and their concerns but when it’s time to vote, you expect them to pick themselves back up and vote for the person who continues to kill them!!! “We need you to vote blue and we will say all the right words to get your vote but we don’t need you after that and we don’t care about what you have to say outside of election time.” Give BIPOC the space to air their pain and hurt and grieve and call out our President and congresspeople without you guilt tripping them into voting for the person who is killing them and their family!!!!

It is so demoralizing and dehumanizing every single time I see someone shares their disdain for biden and any Democrat congressperson and someone (a white person) will butt in and say “but you’ll still vote blue right?? Because trump isn’t any better.” BIPOC are nothing but just a number to you people. We are used and discarded the minute you’re done with us. You don’t actually care about our grief and pain, you just want our vote so you can absolve yourself of any duty to actually make a change. If you are truly concern about people not voting for biden, your response shouldn’t be guilt tripping them and reminding them they’ll have it worst under someone else, your job and your responsibility is to make sure biden hear our voices!! Your job is to be louder spread our message because guess what we live in a society that moves on the whim of white people. When will white people admit they have just as much responsibility as everyone else in this country?

[deramin2]

I've started actively blocking people who are like, "Either you care about every problem in the world so much that it destroys your ability to cope with or you're a fake ally and complicit!"

It breeds scrupulosity OCD, as in explicitly seeks to induce a debilitating mental illness in people to perform purity on social media. It's also totally ineffective from an activism stand point. It spreads you so thin that all you can do is share social media posts you haven't fact checked. No one actually has time and bandwidth to care about everything. Our brains were never built to hold so many relentless horrors. We burn out and can't handle any of it at all because we do actually have limited energy.

If you want to be effective instead of performative, you have to pick one or two things to really care about and put your energy into really understanding what's going on and what steps we can take to make that better. Sometimes those are incremental inadequate steps because that's what you can persuade people to spend resources on right then. But those changes can matter a lot to people on the ground even though it doesn't fix everything. And then you fight for the next step. And slowly you change things. Sometimes you win big. (And then spend a lot of energy convincing people that isn't a discrete happy ending and you have to keep fighting for more.)

I highly encourage people to pick issues that aren't getting a lot of attention and need hands the most. You can also think about how a fight you're not focusing on is intersectional with what you are doing and how to support other groups through your work. Like if you're working on supporting your local queer community but are concerned about the Sudanese genocide, you might see how your resources or networking or grant writing skills can support Sudanese immigrants coming into town. Or work to support organizations like Doctors Without Borders that has over mission but supports many places through it.

Which is not to say you ignore everything else in the world and go into a bubble. But you have to forgive yourself for being human and having human capacity. You CAN'T know everything. You CAN'T absorb every horror of the world. You have limited time to actually work on things. Being a witness can be useful, but if all you have time for is watching the horrors helplessly then you aren't actually helping. Absorbing less but doing more is way more effective.

There's certainly something to be said about who actually gets attention and help and how that plays into biases and people only helping themselves or their in group. But destroying your ability to cope with the world to the point of constant guilt spiralling is not an effective solution to that problem. If you want absolution, care more about less.

So I'm done with internet armchair activists who think guilt tripping will change the world. They're not just useless, they're actively harmful. Don't follow people just because you think you deserve to be yelled at constantly to absolver your sins and keep you on the straight and narrow. Figure out how you can make a real impact in people's lives.

[likeawolfatthemoon]

a couple years after high school, one of our classmates who was bullied very badly committed suicide.

a few months leading up to this, i had been having a very nasty gut feeling and had tried reaching out to a few people to see if i could get in touch with him just to see how he was doing. like we were never really friends, but we were kind to one another and both bullied, so there was a camaraderie in that. but i was never able to reach him, then that happened, and i carried a very heavy survivor's guilt for not trying harder despite drowning in my own depression and traumatic circumstances.

but i've processed that, it's beside the point.

our high school was a small ~christian~ school that fancied themselves a community which...i'm sure you can imagine exactly the dynamic there. all white, upper middle class, conservative on the outside - judgemental, hypocritical, insidious to the core. and all of those families showed up to the funeral. with their kids (i guess technically adults, but i still saw myself as a kid, so they were too). the same kids that i watched day after day, relentlessly beat down the spirit of someone who tried so hard to still find joy and kindness in the world.

and i took such a great, personal offense to the fact that they were even allowed to be present. to share the same space as people who were mourning a loss they undoubtedly had a hand in. and i don't pretend to know what any of them were feeling, whether they were repentant or bored or were secretly joking with each other in texts between the hymns. but that is the exact feeling i carry with me to this day. that people who were raised thinking they deserved grace have absolved themselves of every sin before the effects of it even touch another person.

but even that is beside the point.

the point is, my Significant Blurred Line Codependent Teenage Best Friend With Whom I Would Eventually Have a Very Dramatic Falling Out made me promise her to not let shitty people into her funeral. like, in a very serious way, a way that young girls teetering on the precipice of a lifetime spent in therapy have.

well over ten years since i've seen or heard from her, i still think about that. how i'm not going to fulfill that promise, nor she for me, and in fact either of us may very well be on the shit lists. but i also think...i don't want to see her, or hear her, or talk to her ever again...but i don't think i would begrudge her mourning me. actually, i hope she mourns me and our friendship presently and has been for a decade. she's been a ghost to me longer than i knew her, but i would mourn if i knew of her passing. because even though she's someone i don't know anymore, she still contains all the parts that i do know.

the weird 15 year old wearing shoes with cat ears in bible class. that i got in trouble for holding hands with in the hall. the 16 year old that took me on my first date on valentine's day. that introduced me to my favorite band, that i would fall asleep listening to. who i would send letters back and forth to in the mail, so we would have something to look forward to, always spinning a preposterous web of stories - usually containing dr. phil and this week's list of hilarious vocabulary words from her little sister? the first person i told i was attracted to girls. who "needed a break" after i told her that. the person who inspired me to start looking deeper into borderline personality disorder because it sounded like her (the irony lovers out there waiting for me to hit MY diagnosis 5+ years down the line). the first person (besides my mother) that promised me unconditionally, unequivocally that they loved me. the person who showed me old gregg (and the fact that i could still piss myself laughing over "easy, fuzzy lil man peach"). the person who chose other people over me time and time again, literally *leaving* hanging out with me to go hang out with other people. who cried and screamed when i hung out with people without her. the person with whom i shared a weird obsession with conan o'brien. the person i talked down from hallucinations in my kitchen after she smoked laced weed. the 20 something woman who accused me of being in love with her like a betrayal of her trust. who of course took her customary-by-then several months break after this accusation. and as always waltzed back when she needed someone to listen and be there for her. and i did. until something finally snapped and i just...didn't have the emotional bandwidth anymore. and one unanswered text turned into three, which turned into a voicemail, which turned into a wall of text, and then days and days and days of constant alerts. hundreds of calls. sobbing crying voicemails, threats of suicide, screaming, accusations, name calling, then more sobbing and crying. and it seemed like i never stopped receiving texts. and this entire time, i felt like the person in the wrong, but i just wanted it to stop. i responded one time, the first day, after the first threat of hurting herself. and the tone shift upon my response from desperate and pleading and hopeless to pure anger...solidified my resolve. but it didn't absolve the guilt i felt from every notification. it was months before they finally stopped completely. sometimes i still feel a zap of anxiety when i see her name written out on someone else's social media somewhere, it's a common enough name.

it's a strange burden to bear, a mourning for a person who existed but doesn't now, whose status on the earth is actually unknown to you. schroedinger's grief.

to mourn someone you could've helped, but didn't. or might've helped, but couldn't.

and i wonder how other people seem to not carry grief with them so wholly and ever-present.

and i don't mean the kind you would expect, like for my mom who died long before she took her last breath, or the child i could have been if x, y, and z were different.

i mean the constant grief, for every moment you leave behind and every person you can't content. and maybe that's not grief, maybe that's guilt. and the razor thin line all of these feelings walk over love. maybe love is an accusation of guilt. maybe it's okay to be guilty.

[hightro2]

ppl on social media gotta learn how to inform people about serious topics without starting off with 'no ones talking about this'.......

[nightswithkookmin]

Jikook and Taekook in The Soop: Ep 06 Analysis

PREFACE

This discussion is a continuation of my opinion piece on Soop episode 06. I explained in that post, how I think Soop was initiated by BigHit and BTS to repair and replenish the dwindling bond of the group as prior to Soop, there had been some friction between some of the members which could be traced as far back as November last year and had only increased exponentially through to March this year.

Now I said this without prejudice, and knowing full well there are a ton of content withheld from us in the present day likely to be released years from now that may reveal a moment, a behind scenes, that to others may seemingly counter this perception of mine.

But like my theory on the Jikook break up moments, I stay my ground. I don't draw my conclusions based on a single moment of tension happening in isolation because they are human- a jet lag here and a muscle pain there could lead to an unnecessary outburst here or there. That's not it.

I look for patterns, take into consideration their personalities, note how a moment impacts or is likely to impact those established values and patterns of behavior that BTS themselves consciously contribute to to influence their public image and reputation- I take this delulu business pretty seriously you know? Lol.

For instance, when I say Jikook broke up it's mostly because I've noticed that over a period of time, certain things that make Jikook a couple to me are no longer present between them, in the way they interact, rather than that there was a few seconds tension between them in random moment on screen.

And I am well aware, that when some people say they feel Jikook are broke up that they are basing their conclusions off of their own insecurities about them rather than that they have seen enough, thought through enough about those observations to reasonably draw such conclusions.

For example, because to them Jikook interactions is their evidence of a romantic relationship, then Jikook not interacting in a random moment would indicate to them that something is wrong and that they are broke up- basic delulus.

I employ a different metric. Not better, just different. For example, I used them not knowing certain things about themselves within certain periods as an indication something is off.

This is not a hard rule. It could be random but when the information they are in the dark about came into existence within a period I suspected they weren't a couple due to other things I had noticed within said period, then that becomes a confirmation of that period for me. Feel free to disagree.

Jikook know everything about eachother, EVERYTHING. Or at least, they act like they know or should know everything about eachother.

They love to be the ones to know eachother the most and love to show off their knowledge about eachother like in the recent Bangtan Bomb when JK said he knew Jimin could touch his toe when he stretched.

'See, I told you he could touch his toe.' he says with pride. Then the bit about Jimin and beans, Jimin and the convenience store underwear etc.

So when JK suddenly doesn't know Jimin took pop dancing or when Jimin acts surprised that JK had gimbap it raises an eye brow. No?

What's more concerning to me is their reaction to news like this. JK zoned out for a bit and Jimin looked confused out of his wits in those instances. You could tell its something that really bothered them.

And while this may be an isolated incident for most, it's usually not for me or even surprising to me. Because, as explained, usually moments like these fit into an established pattern of inconsistent behaviours identified within those specific timelines prior to such moments, from my observation.

And I see most people also don't know how Jikook looks like when they are not 'together.' Which is also part of the problem.

To most people, a Jikook break up would look like the apocalypse up in BTS- it's not.

I've said several times in my blogs, if you believe Jikook are real then pay attention to what they are and not what you expect them to be. Their relationship parameters are set by them not us and our ideosyncracies.

To me and the way I see them, a Jikook break up is and would always be a return to friendship.

When Jikook break up they revert back to being friends. Friendship is their default, in the group setting anyway.

And as I've said, they lose or strive away the qualities that make them a couple during break ups but at a bare minimum their friendship will be there- for the harmony of the group.

And I think this is why some Jikookers theorize that Jikook knew the consequences their relationship was going to have on the group before entering into their relationship.

While I disagree they thought things through before deciding to commit to a romantic relationship, I agree that they know and have considered the impact their relationship can have on their group.

It is why they revert and will revert to being friends during times like that so their break up and conflicts doesn't affect the dynamics of the group.

I think this is one thing they both very much understand and commit to, to make sure their shenanigans doesn't impact the dynamics of the group- they owe their bandmates that much.

It is also this understanding that allows them to thrive and hide within the group.

What all this means is that, in times of a break up, the skinship will very much be there, the wearing the same attire will be there, the wearing the same bracelets will be there, they will still ride together if they have to- because none of these is what make them a couple!

And a fight is not a breakup, mind you. Often when they fight, I find they may not want to be around each other among other things but they don't lose the qualities that make them a couple.

You can still see their couple aura in such times. Whereas in the case of a breakup those couple qualities disappear entirely. In my opinion.

Perhaps I should make a blog post on what I feel makes Jikook a couple and how those qualities disappear around the times they break up? I'll think about it.

I have stated over and over that, skinship, car sharing etc are all not in any way indicative of a romantic relationship, not to me anyway. And honestly, if you can't tell between Jikook as friends and jikook as a couple- do you even deserve rights? Consider your delulu membership revoked. Lol

And if you aren't observant, shy away from angst, see them as a fantasy rather than actual human beings in an actual romantic relationship- subject to change, subject to growth, susceptible to temptations; if you mistake things that make them friends for things that make them a couple you would not spot their break ups when they happen. Or worse, you'd dismiss and overlook them when they do happen.

Deadass, you could be very much looking at the end of Jikook but still screaming power couple extraordinaire-

Isn't that where we are with Taekook? People mistaking all the things that make them friends for a romantic couple?

People dismissing all the questionable moments that's happened between them over the years- like Tae saying he couldn't even tell JK had been given a mission to ignore him because Jk ignores him anyway behind cameras, Tae's passive aggressiveness towards JK like in the VLive he exposed Jikook, the missing birthday wishes on Twitter etc- and not reflecting on them enough to critically examine their impact and what it says of the state and nature of their relationship?

Taekook in the Soop is an indictment of the shipping community. But I am not here to police anyone's delusions- freedom of belief, speech and all that jazz.

What I am here to do today, my dear delulu colleagues, is to examine Taekook in the soop and share my thoughts on the infamous conversation they had in that episode.

I will also be pointing out a few observations I made about Jikook in that episode that I feel will help shed more lights on the current dynamics between Jikook which further proofs Jikook is real.

TAEKOOK IN THE SOOP

Taekook's conversation in Soop 06 is shaping out to be one of the most controversial moments in the history of BTS ships.

To some it was a doze of reality, a game changer, if you will and had some people questioning their sanity while others jumped off the Taekook bandwagon all together.

But some die hard fans of the ship were quick to come up with a theory to explain away what had transpired that night as big bad BigHit curating that entire scene in order to bamboozle them and absolve themselves of all guilt for having previously separated Taekook and forced them to hide their relationship- scammers never die. Lol

Why would Taekook have that conversation on camera if it was that serious, they ask.

If they aren't close why did JK put his hands around Tae here? Why did he look at Tae there? They fist bumped in the background of this MV, surely they are a couple- y'all know how I feel about skinship being used as a determinant of romantic relationships so I'm just gonna roll my eyes here and keep it pushing-

This is what happens when you whimsically and randamly label a ship as real without due diligence, without conducting the necessary tests that allows you to reasonably assume that that ship is or could be real.

A ship is not real until it's breached the fourth way into alternative shipping and I'm sorry, Taekook has not breached that fourth wall. No other ship in BTS has breached that wall except Jikook. I have explained this over and over again.

How can Taekook breach the fourth wall when half of the moments, half of the content needed to establish it's piercing moment exists in the imagination of people?

By claiming BigHit hides, and cuts Taekook moments or any other ships moment, by claiming Taekook's interactions are mostly off camera, these shippers are shooting themselves in the foot and fooling no one.

Because what they are indirectly saying basically is there aren't enough moments to analyze upon whose findings we can draw such conclusions that Taekook is real.

I have a hard time believing Jesus is real and I'm a Christian. You think I'm about to buy that Taekook is real, based on faith??? Y'all tripping.

And no. The skinship don't count either. I mean people were running around the corners of the internet swearing up and down Jimin and Mina were dating based on their skinship until it was revealed Jimin had been abusing Mina all those years.

Skinship is performative and not a reflection of true intimacy or true bond.

That being said, yes I see Taekook's relationship. I see their dynamics. They are beautiful and as a multishipper- I really dig their bond. I do.

I have called them the evil power duo of BTS. I have said they don't have much intimate interactions between them on camera but when they activate their evil powers, lord do they set my insides on fire.

WHY FILM THAT BIT ON CAMERA?

For quality entertainment purposes. Lol.

Soop is a quasi self produced production by BTS. As such they themselves created the content, concept, decided where they were going to be, what they were going to do at what time and most importantly who they were going to be with or hang out with.

Everything was pre determined by BTS and the schedule was presented to BigHit- the camera crew and staff, beforehand so the staff knew where to place cameras, what equipment they were going to use and what props they are going to have to provide for BTS for effective filming.

Unlike run or Bon V where BTS have little creative control, BTS played a major role in the production of SOOP. So if that bit was staged then it wasn't staged by BigHit, but by BTS themselves- including Tae and JK.

I explained in my previous post, how I felt Soop is business but also BigHit's way of shutting BTS in a room and forcing them to settle whatever differences had crept up between them that had been affecting the dynamics of the group and threatening the longevity of their group around that period.

I said it was no different from Rookie King where they had an episode where BTS was allowed to shout their grievances off the top of a roof to foster unity among the members.

It's also no different from the missions they've are given from time to time or the love letters they have been asked to write to eachother. The objective of such projects have always been to bring the members closer, to build intimacy and to foster unity amongst them. Soop follows suit.

What's of interest to me and what you should be pondering over is what had led them all- BTS and BigHit, to embark on a project of this nature this time around.

BigHit is a business and can only stay on top of the game for so long if BTS is in the game. Them disbanding impromptu due to petty conflicts and misunderstandings amongst them will be a huge loss to BigHit.

And if you think petty issues aren't enough to bring down their empire- you are in the wrong delulu industry. Lol.

Kpop is wrought with stories of these nature. There are a lot of bands that debuted with and around the time of BTS's debut that are disbanded now due to the least misunderstandings- google it. I dare you to.

BTS do have issues from time to time that does threaten their band. How often have we heard them talk about almost disbanding? Remember 2018? Remember when JK cried because Hobi almost left the group? Remember when JK almost left the group to pursue a career in dancing?

The Kpop industry is hectic and brutal and bands within this sphere are fragile. it's easy to jump ship than to keep sailing. I mean, there's a reason Korean interviewers keep asking BTS their secret to staying together and for this long.

As RM puts it in the recent KBS interview, they are seven boys from different backgrounds in the same boat headed in different directions. That can create a lot of clashes here and there. So when tensions arise that they can help it, they take initiatives like Soop to help nip it and replenish their bond.

They don't allow issues to fester on to the point they want to go their separate ways. BigHit loves this about them and encourages that among them.

Do y'all see why I side eye people who claim BigHit is not happy with any pair within the group because they are real and wants to hide and suppress them?

Left to BigHit alone, BTS would be in one big happy gay polyamorous relationship with eachother if that meant the success and longevity of their business- they are depending on it. They would rather BTS keep the love in the barn than spread it elsewhere, if you know what I mean.

How are BTS portrayed in Tiny Tan? The bond you see in that animation is not just a reflection of BTS's actual bond but also a reflection of BigHits vision of their bond.

Jimin is portrayed as that hyung who is always watching over JK because he loves him so much. Tae is also portrayed as the one hyung who will dive to save JK. Tiny Tan is BigHit's ideal intimacy goal for the boys.

Again, BT21, how are their friendships portrayed in there?

It's absurd thus to think, believe or even assume that if there is an actual real intimate relationship between any of the boys, that Bighit's objective would be to hide and suppress it or even to kill it.

BTS's intimacy is a currency BigHit transacts with. But that doesn't mean BTS doesn't bank on it too. They are proud of their bond, often flaunt it. They know it makes them stand out of the lot and it's what has led to them staying together for this long in the business. They have a pretty strong bond.

They wouldn't have agreed to do this project Soop if they didn't want to or didn't think they needed it. They really love eachother as a team, as a band; they love working together and care about their careers unlike other bands we know. Cough, cough.

They are the blueprint and they know it. The last thing they want is for something as trivial as a misunderstanding to break them apart- Hobi said in his recent YouTube live how BE is their voice and an expression of their feelings and I can't wait to hear all the songs on the Album to understand what they've been through these past few months.

If building intimacy is the objective of Soop, then conversations like that of Taekook really shouldn't be shocking. It's to be expected.

If they felt the need to talk it's because they felt they was something they both needed to get off their chest.

Is a content of that nature good for ratings? Absolutely. Does that mean they performed it? No. Not at all.

It's similar to what Jimin did with JK in Rookie King in order to get closer to each other. They were friends. You think he couldn't have just approached JK off camera and told him how his actions hurt him?

How often have we heard RM or Tae ask if the cameras were they to capture a moment where the members have claimed to have cried and consoled each other?

See this is why people think Jikook is fake. They just don't understand that these boys choose to share certain intimate moments with the us out of love, out of a need to connect and have people share in their moments.

It's no different from BTS filming themselves screaming when they heard of that BB news. They share their joy, their pain and their conflicts with us as a way to connect with us.

How often have we wished the VMin dumpling fight was recorded, or that the rain fight was recorded? But when such similar moment is recorded y'all want to question the intention behind it.

Besides, having conversations like these on camera is the perfect cover for them to be vulnerable with eachother without feeling too vulnerable or feel like they are exposing themselves too much.

It's similar to how people choose to text or be vulnerable with others through letters and texts rather than in person. Its the fear of vulnerability. Being vulnerable like that in person can be extremely scary for them too. They are human too and sometimes they find their confidence and their voice when they turn on the cameras.

It's ridiculous to think a moment is staged simply because it is or feels like an intimate moment- Y'all claim BigHit hides Taekook's intimate moments and when they show it to us and it's fake? Chileeee!

If that moment was staged, then Jin apologising to Tae after their fight is fake, the fight itself was staged, V's letters were staged, V crying when reading those letters was staged- y'all see where I'm going with this?

None of it was real and we've all been bamboozled- Let's pack our bags!

Seriously though, we can't sit behind our screens and pick and choose which content is real and which is not simply because it doesn't align with our delusional theories. It doesn't work that way.

Especially not when everything we see is captured by the same lenses, edited by the same people and distributed by the same company.

Besides, Tae said the reason he did that was just to spend time with JK- which was the objective of Soop, wasn't it? For all of them to spend time together and bond?

How then is Taekook bonding by having a meal together any different from Hobi spending time with NamJoon in the mountains? Or Tae riding around the country side with Hobi? Or RM and Kook painting?

I'm yet to figure out the sequence that the entire project was shot in as I still haven't seen the full episodes. But I'll bet if there were any Taekook bonding moments, they were shot after their heart to heart moment, not before it. Tae wouldn't have been shy to invite JK had it been so. But who knows, I could be wrong.

TAEKOOK vs JIKOOK DYNAMICS

On Taekook's dynamics, I stated during our discussion on their love language that I don't see Taekook as emotionally compatible or emotionally dependent on each other even much less that they speak each other's love languages. They don't.

It's no secret Taekook have always lacked a certain level of mutual emotional dependency and vulnerability within their dynamics. To me anyways.

Rarely would you see them being emotionally vulnerable with eachother the way Tae is with Jimin or Jk is with JM. The only time I have seen them close to being emotionally vulnerable with eachother was at an award show when Tae cried and JK comforted him. But even that felt impersonal-

again the thigh slapping, cheek squishing, pegs on the cheeks, cuddling in bed etc doesn't count. That's skinship and you know how I feel about skinship or what I think of it.

When I say emotional vulnerability and dependency, I'm talking about instances such as when Tae said he missed Jimin, when he had to drag Jk away so he could ride with Jimin, all the things he said about Jimin in his letters, the way he talks about Jimin in his solo Vlives, writing songs inspired by Jimin, when he said Jimin was the one member who had been there for him during his grandmother's passing etc.

Jk expresses his emotional dependency on Jimin through his actions more so than his words- that need he has to constantly be around Jimin. You see this in moments where he subconsciously finds his way to Jimin like the 2018 comeback VLIVE where he and jimin were put in separate teams but after picking their groups mission he headed for Jimin's team instead of his.

You see this in the way he talks about Jimin when Jimin is not around. He would find a way to chip Jimin into any conversation- I dare you; Talk about heaven and it would remind him of Angel Jimin, talk about hell and he will burst out laughing because of Jimin's devil may care attitude that one time.

You see it in moments when he sulks and yap, whines and complains in a submissive tone when he interacts with Jimin at certain times.

Like when he talked about Jimin not waking him up in that interview, or even the New Jersey Live where he whined and pouted like a broke hearted seven year old and Jimin ended up doing- whatever that was to placate him... that VLIVE still makes me uncomfortable to watch to this day.

You just don't see that level of emotional attachment in Taekook. Their interactions are just that- interactions. Frankly, this moment in Soop is the only meaningful conversation I've heard between them in years.

It is this lack of emotional intimacy between Taekook that disqualifies them from being anywhere near real in my books.

While I acknowledge this lack of emotion amongst them, I wouldn't go as far as to say there's been a cataclysmic decline of their bond or friendship. They are still very much friends, just not intimate friends. Skinship wise, sure. But there is no depth to skinship as I've said.

So if skinship isn't what binds them, what does? Personality, for starters. And I know JK saying he and Tae had different personalities sounded confusing to most.

Jk had called Tae his commonality- this Festa was it? He's described Tae in his profiles over years and in recent times as someone he shares the most personality traits with within the group. He is not wrong.

Personally, I see him as very similar to Tae, Suga and RM in different aspects of their personalities.

I think what he meant by his statement about Tae becoming reserved since their trainee days was that he doesn't find Tae relatable.

You can share the same personality trait with people and still not find them relatable. And I contrast this with his interview with Jimin where JM said he and JK were similar in that they are both sleepy heads and hate to lose.

Jk quickly noted that they both were studying Japanese as well. He acknowledged the similarities between him and Jimin here also. Does it mean he found Jimin relatable?

No.

Jimin said after they both acknowledged their similarities that in spite of this Jungkook didn't seem to like him. Clearly. he too like Tae was feeling a barrier in his relationship with JK.

Jk futher admitted he liked Jimin. So if he liked Jimin and had a lot in common with him what was the problem? Relatability. Jk could relate to JM just as he feels he can't relate with Tae now.

In that interview he described how JM was pretty serious minded who liked to focus on one thing at a time- a trait he said was different and as such perhaps he couldn't relate with.

Isn't it the same song he is singing about Tae now? That Tae is reserved and too serious like Jimin was?

The difference between Tae and Jimin is, over the years and especially in recent times the members have talked about how Jimin seems less serious behind camera. Suga even went ahead to give him an award for this- lol, Suga.

Jimin has changed over the years. He's become more goofy and to JK- more relatable.

Have we all not seen Tae gradually close himself off within the group dynamics? How is it hard to see that that could be something that's impacted his dynamics with JK?

I've already mentioned how Tae has been through a lot trauma enough to shut him off emotionally to anyone but Jimin.

Seeing his two besties coupled up too mustn't be easy either. Exclusivity is one of JK's values and love wants. Jimin's love language dictates you treat him exclusively, differently from others- while this is complementary for them, it very much often leaves them with a tendency for to isolate and exclude others- how do you feel watching them from home? Think that but twice Tae and these other members.

That exclusivity Jikook exudes can make anyone emotionally dependent and attached to any one of them feel left out. And for Tae, I see how he would then want JK to treat him as a friend- as he treats Jimin perhaps. He didn't want to feel left out. Similar to how I said Jimin partaked in the culture of the group in early days because he didn't want to feel like the outsider being the last to join the group.

Jikook's exclusivity tendencies have a way to make him feel further isolated and disconnected from the group.

What it then comes down to between Taekook is the difference in their values and their understanding of intimacy. I think.

I have said, JK is one person emotionally closed off within the group. He used to be physically closed of too and took a minute for him to come to terms with even skinship.

These boys may be from the same cultural backgrounds but they have different beliefs and values and upbringing.

I explained how JK had had to suppress himself, his values and his beliefs especially in the early days in order to be the Maknae of the group and how he's been on a journey to slowly yet drastically grow out of that role and image.

I have explained that even though he does not have a problem with Skinship, he believes couples aren't supposed to cross certain boundaries with others which I said is what jeonlous is mostly about.

So when he said during that conversation, he preferred to keep a certain level of distance from people because he felt that level of proximity could end up ruining relationships, I understood perfectly what he meant. I have always suspected and speculated that about him.

No one BangPD script writer-nim put that in his mouth.

Tae is the opposite of JK in that regard. While Jk is emotionally closed off, Tae is emotionally lose and latches on to people quite easily- aka his attachment to Jimin.

He is among the members of BTS who I think lack emotional boundaries in the group.

Being emotionally close to people and receiving that emotional nourishment is one of Tae's love languages as I've explained in the past. And so I smiled when I heard him talk about how he wanted to feel loved by Army.

Tae lowkey has an anxious insecure attachment style brought upon him by no fault of his in my opinion and I've always felt a similarity between his and jimin's attachment styles in that sense- that constant need for reassurance for one.

While I feel Jimin's anxiousness and need for reassurance is often performative and as such is often exaggerated as part of his idol persona- Jimin does not in reality need reassurace of love from his love interest.

He may appear clingy to some and a bit insecure about his looks, but he doesn't trade his looks for love.

His looks I feel are important to him as long as his career goes. And he tries to look a certain way and obsesses about the way he looks because his looks is a means to longevity and fruitfulness of his career.

His love language is more towards wanting certainty and stability and making him feel like he is the only one.

On the other hand, Tae's need for reassurance sits at the core of him. I don't think it is an exaggeration or a persona at all. In my opinion.

His need for reassurance is born out of an innate fear of losing a connection, a fear of not being loved and a fear of losing love- not to psychoanalyze him or anything. It's just theory.

I've said Tae strikes me as a very melancholic person.

Remember when he faked being an Army to see if an Army was a Solo stan who just loved one member or him also as well- that bit was unsettling and uncalled for. Then during his conversation with JK he talked about how he needed that constant reassurance of love from Army- y'all still think he boo-ed up in there? Alright then.

Loneliness is a bitch. And I understand how he would be driven by an emotional void to connect and attach to people. He really was attached to his Grandmother and having a love connection like that yanked away from him without warning, without proper closure can leave a void behind.

So I see often while he craves to connect he often self sabotages that connection- he does this with Jimin at times, boy can he work Jimin's nerves!

It takes a big heart and a lot of patience to love a person of this nature- and there's only one Jimin in that VMinKook dynamics.

Jk is not good at emotions, can barely work his way through his own much less nurture someone with complex emotions such as that of Tae.

Tae has been working through a lot. Trying to be better. Taekook is just a casualty of Jikook...

I keep saying these boys are human and ought to be viewed, thought of and treated as such. If you want to ship them as characters within the Kpop verse then do that. But don't breach the fourth wall and still think of them as fictional beings.

If any ship is real, then their real lives are bound to affect their dynamics, their desires and influence their needs. It's crazy to turn a blind eye to all of that while uWu-ing your ass off at every cute moment edited and shared to you.

Comparing Tae to JK, JK to me barely expresses a need for emotional attachment to anyone. He is similar to Suga in that sense. It's easier to see who he is emotionally attached to and attracted to than to see his overt expressions emotions.

When you look at all seven you see who JK is emotionally attached to based on how he act around and towards that person. He shows, he doesn't tell. In my opinion.

Tae asking JK to treat him as a friend rather than as a hyung thus to me was his way of asking to JK to connect emotionally. That doesn't mean they weren't close. They were, just not as close as Tae wanted to be.

This is what I meant when I said both him and jimin had tried to break down JK's walls in their early dynamics around debut.

Jimin's approach was to breach JK's physical boundaries but in so doing he had accidentally breached Jk's emotional walls as I've explained in previous posts.

I stated how I felt, perhaps, JM coveted that physical connection between Tae and JK at the time he joined BTS, but it's occurring to me Tae equally perhaps coveted Jikooks emotional connection; asking JK to treat him as a friend- as he treats Jimin?

Now I don't know if that conversation was had before Jimin joined BTS or after so I won't push it.

Regardless, it seems JK putting up those emotional walls with him had led to Tar harboring resentments towards JK- typical of people with passive aggressive tendencies.

Sort of explains all those weird TaegiKook dynamics in the early days of Tae trying so hard to do things to make JK jealous- Do y'all see why I disregard anything that happened between all the members before 2016?

I feel because Tae was young at the time, he didn't have the emotional maturity at the time to deal with a situation like that and coupled with his passive aggressive personality, resentment was bound to build up between them.

This resentment showed itself through his passive aggressive attitudes towards JK- Jimin wants to come, JK is stopping him, then that slight head tilt. Oh, you were given a mission to ignore me? I didn't notice, you ignore me off cam anyway followed by that attitude whatever it was.

In turn, I feel JK along the way started to build similar resentments towards Tae too as response to Tae's coldness and I see how to him Tae would be the problem- to him Tae is the one who had changed and grown distant, reserved in their dynamic- unrelatable.

I feel JK's grudge against Tae leading up to Soop however was because he felt his partner in crime had stabbed him in the back- get out of your imagination. That's not what I'm referring to. Lol. I'll explain in a bit.

But yes, this resentment I feel they were both harboring could probably had further complicated their dynamic and got in their way of achieving true intimacy beyond the skinship- when I tell you skinship is not an indication of intimacy.

You could see this in the way they both were very defensive in their conversation. Whatever had happened, JK had extended an olive branch to have Tae to sit and have drinks with him but Tae had brushed it off.

After this, he's shy to approach Jk to ask him to have a meal with him- Where did it all go wrong, they asked- twelve year olds, that's what they are. Lol.

There was a certain degree of lack of vulnerability in the way they expressed themselves with each other especially on JK's part which I feel leads people to conclude that their conversation was somewhat coerced- It wasn't in my opinion.

I have explained when I was talking about their love languages how I feel Tae in general is very headstrong, almost as strong headed as JK which I feel it's one of the things that gets in their way of achieving true intimacy and I feel that is what we were seeing in that moment during conversation.

I've explained intimacy, true intimacy requires a crucification of pride and a sacrifice of ego without which any intimacy would be superficial. I used VMin's dumpling fight as an example, where I said it took 2 days to two weeks for them to resolve their issue because they were both being strong headed.

It took Jimin's vulnerability and a sacrifice of his ego to reach through to Tae and even that took how long? And this is Jimin, the half blood Hufflepuff, president of the kumbaya fanclub we're talking about-

Y'all think Mr. Let it burn, I'll rather be dead than cool is about to let shit go? - Get some education. It's not in his vocabulary. It's not in either of them's vocabulary. Lol.

While I see these two as both unwilling to bow and submit to eachother, I've see them willfully submit emotionally to Jimin. Where they both fail to be vulnerable with eachother they both eagerly let themselves be vulnerable in this way with Jimin.

So it's not as if they are incapable of being vulnerable with eachother. If Tae's narration of his offer of friendship to JK is anything to go by, it seems he at one point was willing to take the steps to build that level of intimacy needed for their friendship to thrive but JK had barred him.

Tae in wanting to be close with JK the way he(Tae) is close with JM spoke volumes about Vmin dynamics as well. It tell me he doesn't see his bond with Jimin as exclusive. Special, but not exclusive- and we know how both Jimin and JK feel about exclusivity.

Which brings me to JK's perception about VMin.

I don't think JK see's Vmin's friendship as problematic. He just see's their lack of emotional boundaries as problematic and so often you see him try to put up boundaries for Jimin in their dynamic.

To Tae emotional connection is important and an indication of intimacy. That's his love language, that's his value. But how is JK going to open himself up like that to Tae when he sees what Tae and JM have as problematic? When he values and believes emotional connection has to be reserved for an intimate partner?

As explained earlier, exclusivity is a huge deal to JK.

He believes somethings ought to be reserved and exclusive to love relationships. He believed it then, he believes it now and he has consistently lived that belief through his actions throughout the years.

And if this is his values, then imagine his frustration at seeing people cross all sorts of boundaries with his man everywhere he turns- its enough to give anyone a complex, seriously.

When Tae explained that JK refusing to treat him casually as a friend was part of the reason they couldn't be as intimate, JK was quick to point out why he made that decision all those years and from the looks of it he ain't changing his mind anytime soon.

Dude literally said- I said what I said.

JK believes to make his intimate relationship special and to protect the sanctity of it, he ought to put up walls not further indulge in and perpetuate the lack of emotional boundaries within the group.

In this regard, Taekook is a casualty of Jikook, nothing personal. I've said, a real relationship involving JK or Jimin within the group is mutually exclusive to any other ship involving those two. As such all those other ships involving those two are bound to be casualties of Jikook.

In as much as BTS have thrived as a group on the lack of boundaries between them, this lack of boundaries was also ruining some of the members' joy especially JK who believes a certain level of boundary is necessary for a healthy relationship- Soop was very much neccessary.

And I see some Jikookers are claiming, Taekook settled their differences and had that conversation perhaps for Jimin's sake? Chileee- it makes sense if you are looking at things in isolation? But...

I mean Jikook have been dating a long time- six years now, for Taekook to be only now considering the effect of their dynamics on Jimin. If Jimin is whom they were concerned about they would have nipped it in the bud a long time ago especially around the time Jimin was having a tough time in his life. In my opinion.

I acknowledge the role Jimin played in bringing those two together and even believe he is the one that influenced them to take the initiatives they both took separately but no. I don't think they did this for Jimin. They did this for themselves first of all and for the sake of the sake of their careers, and the group.

[Image below. Check end of post if it's missing. Tumblr, Sigh]

I know some people have theorized that JK posted this on Weverse after his live because he was eager to do his next live with Jimin- true, but not only that.

The tension in that live was there but it wasn't there because he was uncomfortable with Tae per se. He has had a live with Tae in the past, has filmed with staff around and so Jeon Jungkook really had no excuse now did he?

Then the shade he threw, I shouldn't try to make anything next time- then proceeds to make gimbap with Jimin in their live while cheesing through it.

I feel his statement about making things was a Jab at BigHit. I told you previously how I felt he didn't want to do the live. That neither he nor Tar wanted to do the live hence BigHit's results to coercion. In my opinion.

BigHit at the time, it seems, was making them do these weird PG13 arts and craft thingy during their heavily monitored lives- it was weird as fuck especially for the audience that have grown used their VLives being a way for them to have intimate moments and conversations with BTS- I dipped out of most of those VLives. Deuces.

Homeboy was protesting because he just wanted to, first of all, have a Vlive alone with Jimin because they hadn't had one in a while- he deadass wanted to sit and stare into JM's soul while the rest of us watched on in silent discomfort and miserable loneliness while we thirdwheeled- This man, I swear to God!

But he also wanted to fight for their right to as a group to do whatever they wanted with little control and interference from BigHit- Independence really is recurring theme in JK's dramas. Lol.

After JK posted those rebellious tweets to out BigHit, Tae followed those tweets with a tweet akin to hold your peace followed by the shush emoji.

On its own it doesn't mean much. But read together with JK's post and the background I've given, it takes on a whole new meaning.

This moment to me was one of those evil twin power activation moments. Tae seemed to be with JK on that, in his own passive aggressive manner.

I talked about how social media was one of the tools they use to fight back against BigHit. Especially, by withholding their presence on social media platforms.

The company needs them to be online, interacting with fans and growing their fanbase. I hear some Idols, not BTs, are allegedly forced to appear on VLives even and social media even.

Yet BTS do that pro bono. So when they feel the company is tripping they exercise their rights to remain off the internet.

So imagine my surprise when Tae was suddenly popping up on Weverse, Vlive, YouTube live left right left!

I was surprised not because it was unusual of him, but because I felt that was contrary to the move he had made in support of JK earlier.

Do I think it is probably one of the immediate causes of the heat between Taekook that they needed to address? Probably.

I mean why else would Tae bring up him spending so much time online in his conversation with JK? How is that a way to bond with JK? Unless, perhaps JK had been pissed he did that and so Tae felt he needed to explain why he did that? Don't mind me. I'm delusional- but deadass.

Now a chunk of that conversation was voiced over so we will never know everything about that moment. And I hope, in the future they both talk about this and give us more details about this.

Both Jk and Tae have had issues with BigHit in the past and when they do they aren't afraid to come at BigHit with direct or passive aggressiveness.

Did y'all see ILand? How Tae took a jab at Bang PD over chicken breasts? How in Rookie King he expressed his resentment at BangPD for not knowing his name?

They are both expressive, assertive and less of a pushover in that way, I feel. They will put up the you can force the horse to the river side but can't force it to drink attitude if pushed against their will.

OTHER THINGS I NOTICED IN SOOP

I mentioned in my previous post how Jikook have been asserting themselves against eachother.

By that I meant, JK has been pushing JM to put up boundaries, treat their relationship with the same level of seriousness he does and not act like an ass kisser within the group all the time- bless him.

Jk used to be that guy who tried to please everyone. He would sacrifice his own happiness if that meant the happiness and harmony of the group. He is very Kumbaya in that way.

While this is noble, often he ended up stepping on JK's happiness because sacrificing his happiness is sacrificing Jk's happiness.

Him being the decision maker in their dynamics, that often means he ends up sacrificing JK's happiness without JK's permission.

To JK, JM would always come first. But Jimin is a bit of a people pleaser. He would consider the effect putting JK first would have on the group before placing him first- lately that has changed.

I feel Jk has been pushing him to careless about people's opinions of him and their relationship- please listen to the lyrics of GCF Helsinki to see what I mean especially whenever Jimin comes on the screen for the longest bar.

Just as much as JK has been pushing JM, JM has equally been pushing JK to be mindful of his possessiveness. While I see Jimin as someone who likes to belong, I don't think he wants to be owned.

So you see him pushing Jk to be social, to spend time with others- fix his issues with Tae for example, read books etc.

I hinted at this dynamic when I talked about Jikook shading eachother. Please check it out.

JK's always asserted himself and wanted to assert himself in the group dynamics and he has always expected that of Jimin as well.

It's no surprising then to see Jimin say no to Tae when Tae asked him to go on a car ride with him and Hobi in Soop episode 06. Old Jimin would have run along, no questions asked.

Jikook have changed. Their relationship dynamic has changed, their individual personalities have changed- are changing and they are changing eachother as well.

It explains why to JK Jimin feels more relatable as we've talked about above. They are changing but are also changing for eachother.

Some of these changes are glaringly obvious, others are subtle and easy to miss if you blink.

For example, Vmin's interaction mentioned above. Notice how Jimin is the outdoor kind of guy but in this instance he chose to stay indoors? Outdoors activities are his thing, indoors activities are JK's thing.

Do you see how Jk is influencing him?

He not only chose the indoors, he also chose an indoors activity that had JK written all over. How should I put this, painting, craft, drawing- those are ravenclaw traits not halfbood hufflepuffs' traits. Know what I mean?

True, Jimin loves these activities too but when you think of him traveling all over the world during their vacation- something I said was a cause of misunderstanding between them in August last year, you'd understand what I mean by JK asserting himself against Jimin.

They are compromising, they are negotiating, they are each embracing aspects of their personalities and accommodating it- you call it domesticity, I call it the aftermath of a trail period in Jikook's journey.

There are a lot other observations I made but this is all the length Tumblr can permit. Love Jikook and Support them.

Signed,

GOLDY

[aion-rsa]

Memento and the Significance of Sammy Jankis

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

“Have I told you about Sammy Jankis?”  

On March 16, 2001, Christopher Nolan announced himself to the world with the US release of Memento. Not that everyone heard him straight away.

Despite garnering rave reviews on the festival circuit, Nolan’s mind-bending jigsaw puzzle of a movie failed to land a major distribution deal in the States. In the end Newmarket Films, the independent production company bankrolling the project, took the plunge and distributed it themselves. 

Memento went on to earn more than $45 million at the US box office from a $4.5 million budget – a huge sum for an independent film.

Within five years, Nolan would move on to bigger and Bat-er things, but Memento remains among his most ambitious and effective films to date. A non-linear neo-noir that doubles up as a psychological thriller, it’s a film that continues to offer up subtle surprises on repeat viewing.

Guy Pearce takes centre stage with a mesmeric performance as Leonard, a man with short-term memory loss trying to track down his wife’s murderer. His pursuit is hampered by an inability to create new memories. 

It’s a similarly disorientating experience for viewers who must piece together Leonard’s story while it plays out in reverse order. Allied to this is the story of Sammy Jankis, played by Stephen Tobolowsky, which intersperses that of Leonard’s and plays out across a series of black-and-white scenes shown in chronological order. 

Narrated by Leonard, from an apparent recollection of a case he took during days as an insurance investigator, like our protagonist, Sammy also claims to be anterograde amnesiac – and that’s not all they have in common.

The film continues to alternate between the two narratives, with Leonard obsessively telling the tale of Sammy to anyone who will listen, before the two stories eventually converge in a climax where their shared plight becomes painfully apparent. 

Despite its modest budget, Memento boasted an impressive cast. Pearce had shot to mainstream fame with LA Confidential a few years earlier while Joe Pantoliano, who played Leonard’s helper/fixer Teddy, was an established figure in the business along with his co-star from The Matrix, Carrie Anne Moss.

There was even a role for future Sons of Anarchy star and Nolan favourite Mark Boone Junior as the underhand manager of the motel where Leonard lives. Tobolowsky more than held his own though. 

A seasoned character actor, by the time Memento came around he had enjoyed a memorable turn in Groundhog Day as the hilariously grating insurance agent Ned Ryerson. But it hadn’t been without its drawbacks in the years that followed.

Tobolowsky explained to Den of Geek: “The good news and bad news of being Ned in Groundhog Day is, guess what? You’re going to be Ned in Groundhog Day for the rest of your career. A lot of times when people are in comedic roles and want to do something more dramatic, it’s not available to them. Especially with something like Groundhog Day. An actor like me could get an opportunity to be in a drama but it might not work out because the audience would still see Ned Ryerson. Not this role. Sammy Jankis was so remarkably different.”

Landing the role of Jankis proved remarkably different too, starting with Nolan’s script, based on a short story written by his brother Jonathan called Memento Mori.

“My agent called me up and said John Papsidera, a casting director, wanted me to take a look at this script. John had a reputation for doing really unusual and generally good movies so I was very happy to. A standard first draft script is usually around 120 pages before a producer or director gets their hands on it. Because of the way it is formatted, one page should equal around one minute of screen time. I got the screenplay for Memento and it was like the Old and New Testament combined. I had never seen a script so big. I don’t remember the exact page numbers but it was in the 300s.”

Having seen his fair share of scripts over the years, Tobolowksy was apprehensive about reading what looked like the equivalent of “Gone with the Wind times ten.”

“I was thinking to myself ‘Oh God, this is going to be terrible. ’I even said to my wife, ‘ I know it’s going to be awful. It’s three times longer than normal but I’m going to read it just to be a good sport.’ I start reading and I’m halfway through and my wife comes in and I’m saying ‘damn it, damn it’ and she says ‘Terrible?’ and I say ‘No, so far really great but there’s no way these writers can continue at this level. It’s going to crap out by the end.”

“I get to the end and I throw the script across the room and my wife hears me, comes in, and says ‘Terrible?’ and I say ‘No, quite possibly the best script I’ve ever read.’” Nolan’s script was unlike any Tobolowsky had read, bringing the filmmaker’s vision for the movie to life in stunning detail.

“Chris and Jonathan wrote it in a way where they describe exactly what the camera is doing. Everything was perfectly described and you got a picture of the movie in your head, backwards and forwards in time. It was mind-blowing. I called up my agent immediately and said I had to meet Chris Nolan. I had to talk to him about Sammy Jankis.”

Despite few lines, the role of Sammy was a significant one. A part that much of the film’s plot ultimately rested on. Determined to make the role his own and shake off the ghost of Ned, Tobolowsky met with Nolan knowing he had a unique selling point when it came to the role. 

“I said ‘Chris, I didn’t come here to read for you. There’s nothing really for me to read, but this is what I want to tell you: this is quite possibly one of the best screenplays ever written. You are going to have actors all over this city that will want to be in this. However, I am going to be the only person that wants to be Sammy Jankis who has actually had amnesia.’ 

Chris said: ‘You’ve had amnesia?’ and I was like ‘Yes, and this is how it happened…’”

Tobolowsky explained that during surgery for a kidney stone, doctors had used an experimental drug in place of the standard anesthesia.

“I’m a big guy, like six foot three and 210 pounds, so they gave me a new drug that they had been using on bigger people. It means they are able to give instructions to the patient like to get up on the operating table, rather than have orderlies lifting them. The patient performs the task and then forgets it had happened. It worked the same with the pain.”

It led to what he describes as “drug induced amnesia” as the medication worked its way through his system. “I would be in my living room and then boom! It was like I was just born. The worst was when I was standing over the toilet and suddenly didn’t know if I was about to pee or if I had already peed. Fortunately, I heard my wife yell ‘you finished ten minutes ago!’”

The description of his ordeal was enough to convince Nolan he was the man for the job – but that was only the start of the challenge for Tobolowsky.

“It was the most difficult part I have ever played in my life. When you are an actor, the thing that moves you through a scene is your motivation. But when your character can’t remember anything, you don’t have that.”

In order to better portray Sammy’s damaged mind, he began by breaking down the character’s actions into behaviors marked as either old or new.

“There are the old, every day, behaviors we don’t think about like making breakfast. The rote nature of that behavior means you might do it quickly, almost mechanically. Then there is the newer stuff that takes longer because you are trying to understand what you are doing for the first time. 

“I had met people who have lost their memory, through Alzheimer’s or an accident, and noticed how these old behaviors were still familiar to them.”

This attention to detail was not lost on audiences.

In one small but memorable moment, Sammy greets Leonard at the door of his home with a look Leonard initially believes to be recognition and proof he is faking his condition.

It’s only later, when Leonard begins to understand his own plight, that Nolan has us revisit that same look, only this time with the realisation Sammy’s expression is instead one of desperate hope with that complex duality perfectly conveyed by Tobolowsky.

“That look was about putting out a message saying ‘I am sorry I may know you, so I don’t want to embarrass myself or you by acting like I don’t know you,’” Tobolowsky explains.

Later, after Leonard has rejected Sammy’s insurance claim, his wife, played by Frasier star Harriet Sansom Harris, decides to test the theory for herself by having him administer shot after shot of insulin, in the hope he will realise his mistake before she suffers a fatal overdose.

It’s then that we see Tobolowsky channeling the mechanical, emotionless actions of old, going through the motions of giving his wife the shot, as he has always done, oblivious to the tragic implications for both characters.

But Sammy is oblivious, with Tobolowsky’s emotionless, robotic approach to the repeated injections – something he has done for years – adding a layer of tragedy simultaneously to both characters.

“We all worked it out together in the moment. You let the truth emerge from the scene in the moment the camera is running.”

However, the true significance of Sammy in the wider story of Leonard only fully emerges later in the film after the latter’s revelatory encounter with Teddy.

It’s Teddy who reveals that he has been using Leonard to kill criminal associates. He claims to have tracked down the real “John G” behind the murder of Leonard’s wife years ago and, most tellingly, that Sammy’s story is actually Leonard’s, created to absolve himself of guilt. 

Which begs the question: Are Sammy and Leonard simply one and the same person? And, if so, did Leonard kill his wife by accident?

While some degree of ambiguity remains, Tobolowsky says such notions played into Nolan’s decision to include a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment where Sammy, holed up in an old folk’s home, is for a brief flash, replaced by Leonard. 

“Chris played with the idea on set. He said he had an idea for a moment where he would replace me with Guy. He wanted to try that out. That was determined while filming, the idea of the switch, which cements the idea of the two characters being one and the same. 

“Chris was mining the depths of his script in the moment, which takes nerve as an artist.  “

Reflecting on the experience, Tobolowsky only has positive memories of his experience on Memento, and the commitment shown by Pearce – particularly when it came to the tattoos that serve as reminders to Leonard of his past and forgotten present.

“Guy Pearce was just magnificent,” he says. “Every day, he would be in the chair getting those tattoos put on or removed. There would be long make-up breaks to get them adjusted perfectly and Chris would have it so that we would be shooting while Guy was in the makeup trailer.”

“Chris was a fabulous director to work with. Full of good humour and insight. The entire shoot was filled with energy and fun and that came from the top. I knew right away I was working with somebody very special. Chris takes chances.”

Tobolowsky holds his experience on Memento in the highest regard.

“When you do a lot of shows and movies, the idea is not how many you can squeeze in, it’s about which ones mattered to you.  The work you did that affected you as a person and an artist. Something like Memento is profoundly affecting with the questions it asks.

“What haunts me about Sammy Jankis was that idea that if you cannot remember what you do, both your sins and your blessings, what kind of hell are you in?  That final scene where Sammy is the old folk’s home, there is this question: Is he at peace? If you don’t know what is happening to you, what is your life? And what happens to Leonard? 

He also credits the film with changing his career for the better.

“After I did Memento, I was considered for all sorts of roles that I wouldn’t have been before. It broke the Groundhog Day mold and showed what I was capable of. 

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

“There have been so many movies I have been in. Some terrible, some mediocre and a few classics. It always comes down to the script and director. Memento is one of the good ones. It’s a masterpiece. There’s nothing quite like it.”

The post Memento and the Significance of Sammy Jankis appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[astyle-alex]

[FanFic] Start with Why | the Old Guard

You’d think, eventually, the excitement of posting a new chapter of something would simmer down a bit, especially when the chapter’s already live on other platforms, but nope. I’m still hyped up to share it here!

Start With Why

Fandom: the Old Guard Pairings: Background Nicky x Joe Characters / Focus: OT5 + Copley, reacting to Booker's betrayal Rating: Gen Audiences Warnings: None (well, language, because the team are all quite colorful) Total Word Count: 10,288 Chapter Word Count: 1,757

Summary:

The thing about betrayal is that it hurts. Sometimes it hurts too much to see the broader situation clearly. But after Booker's betrayal, the team has to look at themselves and see how every one of them is culpable. Booker may have done the deed, but his measly 200 years makes him a child to the others, especially Andy, and like babysitters are to blame when their charge sets the curtains on fire, the Family needs to ask themselves WHY and accept the honest answers. Why Copley, Why Merrick, and Why something made Booker believe that his choice was the right one for his Family...

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Part III :: Nicky

           Nicky holds the middle ground.

           He provides a more ranged variety of support.

           It is the role he’s always had, the one he’s always volunteered for.

           He can be cold and objective when he needs to be, no matter what’s at stake.

           But this is a test like no other that he’s faced.

           He hurts for his little Family, for every member of it.

           Booker is his brother and yet he hurt the rest of them— hurt them acutely and intentionally in a way that he had to know would sting like nothing else ever could.

           And yet… Book is hurting so much as that and more, so lost in the despair as he was to have been unable to see things with any hint of clarity.

           Andy says he truly thought it would help.

           Nile says he never thought the others would be grabbed, that he’s worried for Nicolò and Yusuf’s future and the potential pain they’d face when the Almighty that brought them together eventually tore them apart.

           Joe is still too hurt and heartbroken to say anything he truly means.

           And Nicky doesn’t know where that leaves him. Where that leaves them, both the two of them and the four of them… and even the five of them, to be honest.

           Eventually, the argument lapses into silence, weighted and thick with too much grief to sort through the varied points of origin.

           Nicky stands.

           Joe nearly falls out of his seat as he stands to step in front of him— bodily barring his way toward Booker with a kind of heart-broke desperation that makes Nicky nearly crumble.

           And yet…

           Nicolò di Genova does not back down.

           Such is not a trait within his nature. His gaze is filled with sympathy as it meets Joe’s own despairing and betrayed one, but he does not back down.

           Yusuf is Nicolò’s heart and soul, his whole reason for being better than he was— for being a person who could overcome what Booker had not— but Yusuf is not all he is. Yusuf is not the piece of him that defines the limits of what he can be, but the start of his potential. He and Yusuf are still discrete entities, even after eons, they are their own people bound by Fate and love and history, but not merged in any way that makes their love banal or any less miraculous.

           They are not two halves of one whole.

           They are two hearts that beat in sync, two souls that sing in harmony, two minds that see and feel and know enough to teach each other— to show each other new things and new perspectives even after centuries of being in this world together.

           Joe cannot see what Nicky does, and Nicky won’t let his place at Joe���s side determine his ultimate loyalties without his own past-due evaluation.

           Nicky stares Joe down, implacable, until his lover deflates enough to sag back into his seat— heaving Nicky’s pseudo-betrayal off with a huff as he keeps his back firmly to the window.

           Nicky rests his elbows on the rail beside Booker and waits in silence until Book looks over at him— having heard the door open and braced himself for something louder and more final than a quiet conversation with Nicky.

           Nicky doesn’t deliver final verdicts.

           He’ll explain them if the initial delivery doesn’t get the message properly across, but he does not report the sentence first of all.

           If Nicky has a verdict for you, you’ll find it out when he’s put a bullet in your brain.

           Nicky also doesn’t ask. He demands the answers he seeks when he knows who has them.

           But here, he doesn’t know any questions that he actually wants to have answered, yet.

           He just wants Booker to explain, wants in turn to explain himself to Booker… because they are a Family, and none of them can possibly exist in true isolation.

           Book is the one who made the bad decision, but the rest of them are not absolved of all responsibility, as they were all party to creating what bleak circumstances Booker faced, to creating what dismay he believed was enough to push him into making his horrid choice.

           Nicky waits for Booker to speak his Truth, waits with his eyes on the restless sea.

           “I am so sorry, Nicky,” Booker says, looking at him with imploring eyes.

           “I cannot give you absolution, Basti,” Nicky tells him, gaze still on the ocean. “And I cannot yet bring my own self to forgive you, no matter what reasons you bring to bear.”

           Booker falls silent, defeated like a kicked dog.

           “We failed you too, however, in letting you face your despair as we did,” Nicky tells him after a long moment of solemn contemplation. “We failed you in how we brought you into our Family, failed you every bit as much as we’ve ever failed the civilians that we cannot save. But we also did not pull the trigger on this, as you did, and I am finding it difficult to reconcile such divisive and complementary guilts.”

           They always think of Joe as the one to give the pretty speeches, and his Yusuf certainly deserves the epithet, but Nicky appreciates those speeches not because he is incapable of wielding words himself, but because he is more economical with how he states his feelings.

           He pulls no punches, leaves no ambiguity.

           When he is confused, he says so, and when he’s not he states it clear.

           “Yusuf is my heart, my soul, my mind’s only true peace,” Nicky tells his little brother with the cool detachment of age and sympathy. “We have let you bear 200 years of misery and let ourselves forget, nigh even then, how truly young you still are. Nile helped me to remember it, her saying how you had called her so young. A ‘neighbor with a dead pet’, she said. It goes for comfort, too, Basti— it goes for certainty and calm.”

           “You’ve never been a father, Nicky, even as old as you are,” Booker pleads, half frantic to have his reasons reconciled. He wants to be clear, to give himself over unto the others’ understanding, to be heard and truly listened to… He is desperate for it, desperate to be understood, in a way Nicky has, unforgivably, realized he hadn’t the patience to fully see before.

           “And you’ve never had a love grow warm inside you over eons, to feel the Faith in Truth it brings,” Nicky replied, not ceding any ground.

           Booker bites his tongue— cutting off what was sure to be a sour retort, a snap of love turned too bitter to bear. Of trust that feels betrayed as what he feels should be a valid point is just summarily dismissed.

           “You loved them very much, your wife and children,” Nicky states, confident that his words will not be taken as any kind of understatement. “You loved them until it consumed you like a fire, as you believe Yusuf and I love. But you are still so young in how you see things if you think the love either of us has could ever die with the ones to whom we give it.”

           Booker blinks, equal parts surprised and hurt, Nicky thinks.

           “Your family hurt you at their end,” Nicky goes on, “They levied accusations, and you have let yourself descend to meet them. This man beside me is not the one they loved while living, and you do them disservice by believing you could become the monster that they made you. Their love is pure and powerful, tainted only by mortal concerns that I have Faith their immortal souls regret. But if they were first to meet you now, they would not be able to abide it.”

           Booker is retreating, sliding away from Nicky, inch by inch, along the rail.

           “If Yusuf dies, I will despair,” Nicky confesses. “I will ravage lands and wreck vengeance on all villains I can find, killing countless in his name. But the grief will ebb in the face of what good I can still do in his name, what good I can lay claim to having had his heart inspire. It will hurt, and I cannot bear to think of what horrors I may commit at the apex of it, but I cannot believe I will forget the goodness of my Yusuf, the good-work he had, in all his life, strove to create. I cannot believe I will dishonor my own love for him by failing to carry his work on.”

           “ ‘This is what we do’, you say,” Book says with a keening sort of hollow voice. “It’s a mantra, not true belief. You want to believe it, but you have no proof and you want it.”

           “You say Copley has proof, say you’ve seen it, yet you do not believe any more than I that what we do day to day affects things,” Nicky counters. “It is a mantra, and it is belief. The belief is more robust on some days than on others, but there is nothing that will break my Faith. I am a thousand years old, Basti, and the world has been awful for every single one of the years I’ve lived. But there are people who have lived longer lives because of my presence in the horrors of their worst moments, and I have found a way to let that be enough.”

           Booker doesn’t speak— can’t speak.

           Nicky turns his gaze away, looking back to the violent roll of the ocean waves.

           “Tell me why, Booker,” he demands, voice soft and smooth and inescapable. “Tell me what it is you want. Tell me what will help you, or will help me see you.”

           Booker half-collapses.

           “I don’t have excuses left,” he manages eventually. “I don’t have good reasons, or bad ones…. Or anything. I don’t have anything. Just the grief and the regret.”

           “You have us,” Nicky promises simply. “I cannot forgive you yet, but I can promise you that my inability is due only to the freshness of this hurt. You will be forgiven and welcomed back into the Family with no further stipulations, once you have paid your penance.”

           “I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve you.” Booker knows Nicky cannot disagree.

           But he feels his test of faith has been suddenly decided.

           “Love does not care what you deserve,” Nicky says pushing off the rail to return to where the others wait inside for his assessment.

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[itsclydebitches]

[1/5] Am I the only one who doesn’t see Salem as guilty for the atrocities she’s committed? Jinn straight up said that her dip in the Grimm pools tainted her with dark magic that compels her to act on an instinct shared with the Grimm’s progenitor, the Younger Brother. If she’s being roofied with deific dark magic that fundamentally overrides her free will and fills her with a magical instinct to cause destruction, then doesn’t that absolve her of blame?

BUCKLE UP this ended up being a whole ass essay as I happily ignore my actual work

So this is admittedly a very complicated situation and I want to preface my response by saying that I agree with a great deal of this. I’m no longer able to find it because my metas/ask responses exist in a disorganized hellhole, but I said much of the same in Volume 6. Namely that the Gods are indeed the primary parties responsible for this entire mess, Salem was done dirty by them, she was (to an extent) justified in her goals, and she didn’t know that jumping into a grimm pool would turn her into a grimm queen rather than just killing her. Salem is, in many respects, a victim.

But being a victim doesn’t mean you can’t also be a perpetrator. This is the basis for most complex villains in media: we understand how they got to where they are, we feel for them, we may even think they’re correct about things like the injustice around them (insert Magneto here), but their actions are nevertheless too immoral to be supported. We get that a shit life largely outside of his control and the manipulation of Palpatine turned Anakin into Darth Vader. Doesn’t mean Darth Vader is off the hook for his crimes. We know that Jack Torrance was driven insane by supernatural forces when all he wanted was to watch over a hotel with his family. Doesn’t mean we shrug off him trying to kill his wife and child. We know that Voldemort was a product of a messed-up love potion that may have made it impossible for him to love “normally.” Doesn’t mean he’s excused for being a wizard Hitler. The humanity of villains is what draws us to them, but being a victim in the past doesn’t perpetually excuse/justify everything you do in the future. This is why all of these villains die in the end. That’s pretty much the only “good” solution we’ve found to such a complex situation. We don’t want the villain to be unforgivable because we got to see the tragedy of their downfall. At the same time, we can’t excuse the horrors they’ve committed and just welcome them back into the fold. So they die, giving the heroes the chance to mourn them without guilt and the audience the chance to enjoy that redeeming act (if the villain performs one).

That’s part of the balance that Salem is immersed in, but of course that’s not acknowledging the actual argument here: how can we blame villains for their actions when they had no control over them? Not a wishy-washy, highly subjective concept of “control” – Example: Does someone like Kylo Ren “really” have a shot at being a good person when they’ve got Palpatine in their ear? (The answer is yes. Yes he does.) – but a much more simple and objective situation: there’s magic at work that 99% of people straight up cannot fight against it. Like the RWBY equivalent of the Imperius Curse.

However, RWBY’s first mistake here is that, unlike the Imperius Curse, there is no firmly established lore surrounding the grimm pool. In Harry Potter we know that most people can’t fight off the Imperius Curse. That’s established numerous times throughout the series and that knowledge impacts the storyworld: there are laws in place that say if you can prove you were under Imperius, you’re not considered guilty of the crime. RWBY has none of that. We can assume that the grimm pool took complete control of the good Salem and is forcing her to do things against her actual will… but that’s never established. It’s an assumption. An interpretive reading. We don’t know that the magic doesn’t erase her free will, but at the same time we don’t know it does either. All we do know is that the pool created a “desire for pure destruction” in Salem. However, desires aren’t the same thing as a loss of control. Even if we pump up the concept of a “desire” into a “need” instead, that’s still not the same thing as, say, a chip put into your head that literally forces you to obey a 66 Order you’d otherwise never even contemplate (Star Wars). Or a demon taking control of your body and using it as a puppet (Supernatural). Needs are strong… but they can be overcome. Even the most intense of needs that keep us alive. We could (again) interpret that the magic created a need for destruction so powerful it’s akin to a drive like hunger, that Salem has to give into it in order to survive/stay sane, but that still isn’t a blanket justification for how she goes about achieving that. The villain in a zombie apocalypse film might go, “I had to eat! There was no other way! It was me or them… and I chose me.” We understand the drive, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay that they slaughtered an entire settlement in order to steal their food. In the same way, Salem doesn’t get to excuse a thousand years of abuse, attempted enslavement, and large-scale murder in the name of “I have this desire/need now.” Not unless the show establishes that the magic is 100% controlling her with the “good” Salem just along for the ride. Which it hasn’t.

In addition to this, I think there are three other aspects to Salem’s situation that make her different from the examples listed above (Bucky and LotR).

1. Planting the Seed

Unlike these other two fandoms where the characters began as Certified Heroes™, Salem’s situation is (again) a bit more complicated. She was absolutely an abuse victim. She was absolutely one of the good guys alongside Ozma. She absolutely got screwed over by the Gods in a horrifying way… but at this point Salem’s actions become less straightforward. For me, I think her emotional response is completely justified. If I had a God who wouldn’t bring back my tragically dead lover for BS “It’s about balance” reasons when he’s the ones who creates and enforces these rules about balance, I’d want to get a second opinion from God #2. If those Gods proceeded to emotionally and physically torture me for daring to question them all while lording themselves over humanity as an “experiment,” I’d want to take them down too. The problem here is not Salem’s goals, but rather the way she goes about them. Namely, manipulation. She very deliberately does not tell the God of Darkness about her meeting with Light. Much more damning (because let’s be real, this is a story chock-full of people telling lies of omission and keeping secrets), she rallies the people not out of a noble cause – Hey, why are we letting these two beings treat us like lab rats? – but rather through a much more deliberate lie: you too can get immortality if you just come help me kill them. 

I bring this up because it shows us that Salem had “bad” qualities long before the magic started its work on her. She was a flawed human whose flaws were emphasized more than the average hero corrupted by evil. She’s not a war hero fighting Nazis, or an average hobbit agreeing to an incredible self-sacrifice. She’s someone who (arguably selfishly) couldn’t let Ozma go and then did everything she could to get him back, with “everything” including manipulation and endangering others – to the point where everyone died. (As a side note, Salem basically did what others accuse Ozpin of. She brought people who never wanted to fight (civilians) into an actually impossible war (let’s kill two gods) under a falsehood (you’ll achieve immortality).) Are many of these mistakes human? Yes. Is it entirely Salem’s fault? No. She is not responsible for the Gods being the most dickish beings in the galaxy who chose to wipe out an entire species because they didn’t like them banding together. But Salem did have a hand in all this. She helped orchestrate the tragic conclusion. She’s not “pure” in the way that Bucky or Frodo was, which tells me that the magic perhaps isn’t full on corrupting her, but is building on something that we saw was already there. 

To use your drinking analogy, drinking doesn’t actually make anyone do anything. It just lowers inhibitions to do things we already wanted to do. Which means we’re still very much responsible for making awful choices while under the influence of alcohol. That’s one interpretation of the magic here. That desire/need lowers Salem’s inhibitions and encourages a person who is already poised to be a villain finally become one. I’ve been drunk and I’ve never once considered getting behind the wheel because I know precisely how dangerous that is—and Salem’s choices are far, far more harmful. To me, saying Salem is excused from her choices (in the context of what RWBY has given us so far) is like someone saying, “How can you blame them for shooting up an entire store and taking multiple lives? They were drunk!” I can still very much blame them for choosing that act, even if their thinking was impaired, even if someone else initially poured the alcohol down their throat without their consent. You’re absolutely right that there’s no easy way to map Evil Dark Magic onto real-world morality, but Salem’s actions are extreme enough that what comparisons we can make don’t look good.

2. Demonstrating Free Will

I think a stronger argument regarding the magic not full-on corrupting her is that we see Salem enacting free will throughout the course of her new lifetime. Meaning, the magic didn’t just turn her 100% evil and that’s that, she’s a mindless, destructive machine now. Rather, we’ve seen Salem engaging in a large variety of “good” and “bad” things. If the magic truly created a desire that she absolutely can’t fight against, then presumably she would have just killed/enslaved the world from the get-go. But she doesn’t. Salem hangs out in a cabin until Ozma finds her. Does she then go on her evil rampage? Again, no. She and Ozma set out to do “good” throughout the kingdom, saving the people from grimm and the like. Their choice to enact this good via godhood is, uh, not great (lol) but it’s still a far better use of her powers than what we see Salem doing later. This comparative trend continues on. She’s apparently stable enough to have four kids and lead a semi-normal life for a time. She only murders Ozpin when it’s clear that he won’t join her in this new “replace humanity” plan. Does she attack the first time he says no? No, rather she waits until he tries to sneak the kids away, which means Salem waited for absolute proof of his “betrayal” before acting. She then focuses on Ozpin for a thousand years, leaving Remnant to mostly do its own thing. Then she decides (for reasons not made clear by the canon) to attack the world now, launching a far more devastating attack than we’ve ever seen. And “ever” is at least a thousand years. 

All of this shows us that Salem has her own version of free will going on. She is making active choices and changing her behavior to suit a changing situation. That means she is responsible for choosing those truly heinous options: killing her children where before she raised them, killing Ozpin where before they argued, attacking the world where before she protected it. Salem has been bad since she came out of the pool, but she has a very wide range of badness that speaks to an ability to decide for herself just how bad she’ll be at any given time. The fact that Salem then gets really bad – genocidal dictator bad – makes her responsible for that change. To return to the previous comparison, a need to eat might drive someone to commit a technically “bad” thing like, say, stealing bread (Hey, Jean Valjean), but we see how that’s still a good person fulfilling that need in the least harmful way they possibly can. Salem could have fulfilled her own need in ways other than all the horror she’s pulled. 

3. Accepting Responsibility

Finally, to take up the LotR example, even knowing that the Ring influences people with Evil Magic doesn’t mean that everyone caught up in that web is excused of their related crimes. We pity Gollum, but he’s still someone to be wary of, someone we treat as the potential threat he is, and someone who is labeled as a villain for his actions. Sam is not wrong to be furious with the things Gollum has done. They’re not erased in the name of, “But none of that was really his fault. Only the Ring’s. Be mad/wary of the Ring and the Ring only.” Boromir is very susceptible to the Ring’s magic, but that also doesn’t let him off the hook for his choices. He’s berated for suggesting they use the Ring themselves. Aragorn firmly insists he return the Ring to Frodo, making it clear that there will be consequences (a fight) if Boromir doesn’t resist better. In the end, both of these characters – Gollum and Boromir – die as a way of “repenting” for those sins (at least, that’s one possible interpretation of the text). Even Bilbo, so obsessed with the ring that he terrifies Frodo by making that demonic grab for it, immediately apologizes for that action. He (and the story) understands that “Something else was acting upon me” doesn’t mean that the correct response to that is, “Well why should I apologize/face consequences for those actions then? It wasn’t my fault.” It partly was their fault though. There’s a strength of will here that dictates whether you’re going to go “bad” and even if we acknowledge that at some point everyone will inevitably fail, that doesn’t mean they don’t face the repercussions of that failure. Or that they’re not responsible for fighting as hard as they can for as long as they can. 

Which is the reason why Frodo is praised rather than damned. We understand the impact the Ring has on people and we watched him heroically struggle against it up until the very last second. (The same can be said of Boromir and Bilbo). Those two things work in tandem to show us how heroic Frodo is in the face of unimaginable odds. As said, RWBY has done nothing to establish the parameters of the grimm pool’s influence – can Salem resist it? How much? For how long? – but we also never see her struggling to do good even while the magic pulls her in a different direction. The context was never a pre-grimm pool Salem accepting the magic out of noble self-sacrifice, as Frodo did. There’s no scene where Salem begs Ozpin to help her stay on the right path and accepts his assistance like Frodo relied on Sam. And the worry is that if Salem is “cured” then the story won’t force her to face any punishment that equals the extent of her failure to resist the magic’s influence. Yeah, Frodo failed too, but his failure was at the very last moment, after struggling so hard, and it was a failure that was able to be very quickly fixed by Sam. Salem’s failure has been going on for centuries, we’ve never seen her struggle to overcome it, and we can’t fix the sheer amount of horror she’s introduced to the world. Immediately forgiving Frodo is a fair act within the context of his story. Immediately forgiving Salem would not be.

Overall I’d say that the Gods are absolutely responsible for this shit-show and need to be held accountable, but I don’t think that lets Salem off the hook for her own hand in all this. Even if someone chucks me into a situation I initially had no control over, I’m still responsible for the actions I take from then on out. Even if something is acting on me that makes being a good person that much harder, I still have a responsibility to fight against that with everything I have. So up until RWBY definitively says, “The magic is something that no human could have ever overcome or even slowed down and everything Salem did was a direct product of that magic,” she’s guilty. She’s not the only one who is guilty (looking at you, Light and Darkness) but she’s a very big part of it. Which brings me back to the ending point of the previous post: I don’t think RT has the ability to write a satisfying ending for such a complex situation. Not unless they just go the route of Salem being cured, choosing a redemption act, then dying for it. RT simplifies things too much and a story where Salem is excused of any and all responsibility in the name of “She started out as a victim” and “Magic was influencing her” isn’t going to go over well given the breadth and extent of her crimes. Not to mention, as laid out above, the implication that she was capable of lessening those crimes whenever she pleased. 

[divinationcentral]

so i have a crush on this guy at work. and ive reached out to him before but he said he wasn’t interested because hes focusing on himself rn. we’ve been able to keep things cordial and friendly but im really not sure if i should wait or move on. i did a reading about it to check in on our energy and im not sure how to feel about it. i pulled 4 of cups, the hanged man, judgement, 6 of pentacles, 4 of pentacles, two ace of swords (i used two decks) and ace of pentacles. when i asked for clarity about his struggle i pulled 5 of swords, queen of swords, and the fool. i also pulled temperance and justice. if it were you, how would you interpret this?

Hi there! I’m sorry I wasn’t able to get to your request sooner - I was on the clock! c:  Just given the background that you gave me, this would be my interpretation-- and be aware, it’s incredibly long! LOL. So I’m sorry. <3 BUT... If you want the TLDR version, here it is: You should move on. You will get another opportunity like this again. It may not be with him, but life will always offer you new things (new relationships, new experiences, etc). This person is currently struggling with a decision that he cannot make, and he must make. He must be open, honest, and fair, and unafraid to trust someone again. And he has not been able to, and is therefore reeling from a past situation that left him feeling slightly victimized, it seems. If you are willing to wait, this person will offer themselves again. But as it is presently--you will not get what you wish. He is reevaluating a scenario, and you must be prepared to wait for it some more.  You deserve more, by the way. You deserve better. Move forward. And you will be happy again.  You need to make the choice to move on, however. Ask yourself if you are ready for this? What is it that you are holding onto? What is holding you back?  What limiting beliefs do you have of yourself? Crush them. You are great. Anyone would be lucky to have you. Pick yourself back up again if you are upset. <3 

You will be surprised. You will have an offer for love again.  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ If you want my logic behind it? Be prepared lol... You’re welcome to read it. But I think the first half would suffice. The rest is just for your personal intake.  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The good thing is that you pulled the Ace of Swords TWICE. I would easily read that as both people are aware of each other’s sentiments. So, nothing is being hidden. You have the answer you seek. In other words: He knows how you feel, and you know how he feels. There is no hidden motive (if you were wondering). The only question left to answer is what is this Ace of Swords clarifying, right? Did he tell you he was attracted to you as well? Did he beat around the bush? Is the only reason he’s denying this connection BECAUSE he does not have time or energy to pursue a relationship right now? Or is it this one, specifically. In which, I would recommend you just respect that. And respect yourself, likewise. If you wish to move on from the situation—nothing is really holding you back from seeking another connection. And I say that only because it follows the order in which you pulled your cards: 4 of cups = discontentment. Boredom. And usually, to me, disappointment with what one has. If it is an offer of love, it means you are not appreciating it for what it’s worth (and I’m not referring to you, by the way, just in general). Or not seeing the potential something can bring into your life. That is not to hurt your feelings, by the way. But, in truth, he may simply be too distracted to notice that you are offering something sincere. And for you, that is creating a sense of being placid in your life (which is not bad... it just means nothing is happening, and that could lead to boredom and a sense of feeling stuck... which turns into discontentment, and you could start ignoring the possibilities in your life as you sit and wait). You feel like you can’t get ahead whichever way you try—that is because you’ve hit a wall. A boundary wall, or as I like to call it: the rejection wall, but that has a really negative connotation… he hasn’t rejected you outright, but it is in his own way—because he stated he needed that space, and you needed a clear cut answer, I presume. One he didn’t exactly give to you. There wasn’t a time and place set... just “not right now.”  Which is what is holding you back from asking again, likely. AND it’s stopping you from moving ahead into something different, actually. Which... quite frankly isn’t fair. It should just be a yes or no, in my opinion (unless he did straight up tell you no in his own way and it just hasn’t registered yet). 

You have to ask yourself if you are okay with this. Because it is likely you will continue to wait until you have a new opportunity with him. And it may be that you wish for him to offer it. What can be indicated by The Ace of Swords, however, is victory. So, communicating has and will continue to help your situation. If he said no then, what about now? What about at a later date...  Right now, The Hanged Man tells me that (as a shared energy, again) you are both in suspension (and this is your position in the tarot, presently). You may be waiting on that offer from this person, and this person may be in a period of evaluation themselves. Only until you can both revisit the situation again will it, and can it move forward, and change. Likewise, this person can be waiting to hear from you, actually… but I cannot say that for certain, since I’m not reading his tarot, unfortunately. But because you pulled it as a shared energy: you may take that as you wish. The Judgement always indicates renewal and second chances. You have the option to move ahead, you do, by yourself, into something different.    But you also have the option as well to ask him again. And get the answer that you wish. Regardless, you will start something new. That is The Judgement in a nutshell (with or without this person). It is looking at the past, and then being absolved of it; declared free from guilt, blame, shame, or responsibility—cleared, as if though it were a hindrance being rid of from your life. And that could be this decision that you need to make. Because it’s holding you back, isn’t it? You may be wondering if it’s just you. It isn’t. You just need clarification from the situation again. What you’re wondering is what is the right decision to make. Like I said: The Ace of Swords is communication, and it is what will help set this situation straight. So, in short: you need to communicate this again. If it were up to me, the determination I would make is to just ask him again. Be blunt. Do you like me? Do you find me attractive at all...? It seems creepy, I know, but in truth... You need to know that. Otherwise- it’s just you wanting something from him, and waiting and waiting and waiting (I don’t know if he told you this, however, since I have no clue what your actual situation is). And that puts you in a shitty position, I’m not gonna lie. Don’t become desperate! 

And if he says the same thing... this will only happen when he’s ready. When he’s willing to explore the situation. What is holding you back from moving on? I ask you this now. You can give yourself that answer, actually, and you should be honest with yourself. It will help.  I don’t know how long ago you made your feelings known to this person, but if it wasn’t that long ago, and he hasn’t approached you yet… it is definitely because he is not ready. The Four of Pentacles and the Six of Pentacles would nonetheless indicate a stalemate in the connection, either way. Either one person is too afraid to give, or is too reserved to explain (why or what is happening with their life and their situation and how they feel, strictly out of fear of losing something they have gained—that could be monetary, or that could simply be their independence). And that could easily refer to him, since you’ve already expressed how you felt. But since it is still a shared energy, you as well could be feeling afraid to move forward now that you are not certain what to expect. If you want to grow closer to this person, I recommend you speak clearly, and continue to approach your relationship with the same enthusiasm. But if you no longer see it for what it was worth -- it’s best to stress the positives, and regain a sense of freedom and choice. Understand that you can seek a relationship that is open to receive you, with someone else. That is just the truth. You have that option as well. You are single and free, I presume? No? You always have the option to start again. And this person will obtain that opportunity once they can reclaim their own independence, of whatever it is that is holding them back at this moment. However, because what you’re truly wanting to clarify is whether or not there will be an opportunity for this relationship in the future (like romantic, I would presume)—the simplest answer I can give you is that there will be a chance gifted to you. The Ace of Pentacles indicates new financial beginnings, traditionally. But since this is a relationship reading—I’d say you both have that opportunity whenever it is presented. Meaning he can offer you this at any given point in time, and so can you (a relationship, I mean). But life will also continue to offer you new things anyway (new experiences, chances, opportunities). What you make of it will be your own. And you will have a chance to explore this again. Whether or not it is something you choose to do, because… Aces are effortless, new beginnings. 😉 just saying. If this person is not going to offer you a relationship -- the offer will come from someone else. You must weigh your decision against what you are willing to take. And you can wait for this person to offer you a chance again. I can’t say they will, honestly… because I just don’t have that indication yet. All I see is a person holding back, and someone that is willing to give. And an opportunity only comes when you can offer it again.  Ask yourself: Do you want a closed off individual that isn’t willing to give? Or do you want someone who is open and honest with what they are wanting with you, upfront and direct?  Is that this person? Do you have that knowledge yet? Or should you get to know the situation better.  You will have a chance to start things up again. Depending on how you approach him, and how you approach this reading. What I have said and what you see in the cards will give you that incentive. I’d recommend strictly asking the tarot what advice it could give you moving forward in this situation, if that’s what you wish to do anyway. (Personally—I think you will get a chance to express yourself again. And how you felt).  For his energy: As a person… he is likely learning to balance a situation out in his life. It might not have been fair for him, or whoever else he is currently involved with. It’s teaching him a hard lesson about being honest (honesty). The Fool indicates he needs to approach his situation with optimism. Something he will likely pick back up again, once he realizes that he deserves fairness for himself. And if this is regarding you: it’s that he needs to recognize you are being fair with him, and honest. And so he must be fair with you. If you are The Queen of Swords in his life, you have spoken your truth to him or will soon, and he quite frankly can’t argue with it. I would recommend that you be fair, and try and see his position for what it’s worth. Because otherwise it will create conflicts the more you ask why you can’t be with him. He simply is reeling from a bad experience, it seems. Which I would have to say is separate from you, unless you’ve had a falling out with him. He should be honest with you, however. And you should be fair with him (talk to him, see how he is, ask about his life and what’s going on with it—if he’s willing to share, it will help, it will show that you are interested as to why he’s taking time to focus on himself at this point in his life). —but, most importantly, be fair to yourself. If you do not like what he has to offer you, I would recommend guidance on how to move forward from the situation. But giving him another chance is something you have to choose. And he has to be willing to take. Not clam up again. Otherwise, this situation would require time, and it will possibly be a lot of your time. Until he feels safe to pursue this connection (in general). This situation also needs give and take. With The Six of Pentacles being in your spread—you must offer of yourself in order to receive again. And this person needs to learn to give, and to receive. Give and take is just that. Otherwise, all you receive is what the other person is willing to give, and in this position, only one person is being fair in the spread. It could be that you view the situation like this. And it could simply mean that you are not being as giving as you would think. Sometimes that can happen when we are feeling restricted by someone else’s wishes. See the situation differently. If this were your friend—would you simply lose all interest just because they’re having a hard time? Right? Or would you give them space?  The Six of Pentacles is generous. The Four of Pentacles is the complete opposite of this; it’s feeling like you don’t have enough, and so are restricted, and restrict yourself, both in what you can give and what you can take—because you choose to keep what you have saved instead (this could be your pride, your ego, anything really—it’s like saying “you are saving face”). If The Four of Pentacles is your energy, I recommend that you view yourself differently. You are very sweet and kind I presume. 😊 And are probably very loving (I would hope lol). And have a lot to offer him (and any person really). You really do. If you move ahead with something or someone else—he really can’t blame you if he just sat on this offer time and time again. And you should view yourself as someone that is willing to give and take, and express that openly. Even if he just said no to a relationship—does not mean you can’t pick things back up again at a later date. OR it doesn’t mean that if you are currently just being cordial with each other—that it’s a bad thing. You are still in each other’s presence. It all depends on what you expect to gain from this. Hope this helps.

If you want -- let me know if you’d like me to pull you some romance cards from my sexy deck~ lol I call it that, but it’s the Tarot of Sexual Magic ~ It offers healing messages for love, romance, and sex… I like to think it’s a fun way to approach relationships.

[teamhook]

A Chapter Day... Savage Heart CS AU

A love story between a pirate and his savior. An innocent, beautiful, selfless woman meets a man with no manners, no formal education and not even a last name. Will Emma fall in love with Killian once she discovers that beneath his tough exterior lies a heart-wild, but a heart of gold? This is a Captain Swan AU

Beta-ed by the awesome @ilovemesomekillianjones​​

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Chapter 15: The Lies We Tell Ourselves

The window is ajar and the breeze slowly enters and engulfs the room, filling it with a hint of sea salt air. He misses his home by the sea, and yet he can not blame his sleepless night on the nostalgia that plagues him. Emma is the true culprit of his current sleeplessness.

Killian tosses and turns; he is anxious and that scares him. He knows he needs to tell Emma the true nature of his trip to Arendelle, but he is crippled with fear by the thought of her once again seeing him as she did when they first met. That thought makes him second guess his decision more than once.

The truth is simple; they are going to be married soon and although they are not marrying because they are madly in love, he still needs to start this relationship with a clean slate. He has no idea if her father is aware of his involvement and to avoid her hearing the sordid tale from another source, he prefers for her to hear it from his lips. He feels he owes her this much, at the very least.

That's his decision and he is sticking to it. It is settled he will tell Emma the truth. Although he had no prior knowledge of the connection between the owner of Nolan Shipping and Exporting and the Nolan's in town when the business had first been targeted, he knows this surely will not absolve him of guilt.

The influential people that were known to use Nolan's services had painted a target on the business, if it hadn't been him it would have been another. He knew that the strong room in the cellar would surely be filled with treasure. He had no doubt that his talented nimble fingers would be able to crack the lock. It was supposed to have been an easy score for someone of his skills.

Finally, with the decision made to tell her the truth, his eyes begin to feel heavy, he can barely keep them open and he succumbs to sleep.

The next morning Killian wakes and sets out in search of Emma. He finds her outside picking flowers in the garden.

He approaches her and once he is close enough he clears his throat to capture her attention. Emma finally looks up and smiles brightly at him.

"Good morning, love. You look stunning," Killian says while he is slowly approaching her. He looks down at the flowers in her basket and gently picks one up and tucks it in behind her ear along the loose strand of her golden hair.

She blinks dazedly at the contact and without knowing holds her breath as she turns her eyes to Killian. She tilts her head and smiles as she offers her reply, "Good morning, sleep well?"

Killian's demeanor changes quickly and he looks around, anywhere but at her. "Love, I have something I need to speak to you about, and I believe it to be important." He scratches behind his ear while he waits for a response.

"Oh, of course, should we head back inside and go to the office?" Emma asks as she takes a step toward the house.

He shakes his head, quickly dismissing the idea and guides her back to the lovely little patch of flowers she was at seconds before. "I would prefer to continue to enjoy the lovely scenery with you a bit longer, we can talk here," he says. Killian takes off his long coat and lays it on the ground for her to sit upon.

She smiles as she takes his hand and he helps her lower herself to sit on his coat. The fabric is so much softer than it looks, she thinks as she caresses the coat. Looking at him as he slowly sits down next to her she can tell he is nervous, but why?

"Emma, I will just get this over with. I hope you understand how difficult this is for me, and although that should not sway you into forgiveness, know that I am doing to this to give us our best chance. As you know, I have led a life of crime all my adult life and I have done a variety of questionable things I am not proud of, but what I'm about to tell you may change your mind regarding our upcoming nuptials. Months ago, when my relationship with Milah was in full bloom, I went to Arendelle on what was meant to be a very lucrative job for my associates and myself. It is safe to say it was not a lawful endeavor and I was caught by the Arendelle Navy. I was put in prison on charges of piracy against a shipping and exporting company there. That business was your father's," Killian says and looks at her carefully.

Emma studies him for a moment, she ponders what he's told her, and why he is telling her. "You are telling me that you were going to rob my father's company. Why would you simply be released without a trial? I don't understand."

"Yes, Emma, I was there to steal from your father's' business. I admit it. At the time I had no idea of the connection between him and Milah, much less you. I was released not because of my innocence but because my long lost brother felt mercy for me. I would have most likely met my death there. Arendelle shows no leniency when it comes to pirates. I could have easily kept this from you and hoped you would have never become the wiser, but I made the choice to share this tale with you. I solemnly believe I would not have pursued the job had I known of the familial connection you share with David Nolan. I only made the connection between you and the business during my conversation with Archie yesterday."

"Your brother let you go, just like that? Doesn't that affect his job?"

"Aye, it could. I suspect he was only doing it because I mentioned I wanted to get back to my love that I was to marry," Killian says.

"The job was unfinished, correct?" she asks.

"Aye, I was in jail and the rest of the crew was either killed during the capture or in a cell not far from my own," Killian says. "Emma, I know this is a lot to take in. I will give you time to take into consideration what I have just shared with you. If you choose to cancel the wedding, I will understand," Killian says, "but please know that is not what I want, I just needed us to start our life with no secrets between us." He gets up and offers her his hand.

Emma looks at him and takes his hand, letting him pull her to her feet. "I appreciate your honesty. I don't believe this changes anything, at least not for me. I'm disappointed, but I understand that was your life then and this will be your life now. I am going to choose to see the best in you, you are a good man that has made mistakes in his past. You are very good to the workers; a man that feels such empathy for those less fortunate cannot be a lost cause."

"Are you sure? I must insist you think it over, I would hate for you to leave me at the altar if you had a last minute change of heart like your cousin. I have some business back in town, before I go I will go check on Mr. Thomas and maybe check in with Archie on some things."

"I will not keep you any longer, and if you would like we can talk some more once you return," she says with a smile that lets him know her decision has already been made.

Killian returns her smile with one of his own and brings her hand that he is still holding to his lips for a gentle kiss, then he makes his way to the little hut Michael Thomas resides in. His knock greeted with a muffled come in.

"Good morning, Mr. Thomas. I hope you are feeling better," Killian says to the older man as he walks into the tiny room.

"I am, thanks to you and the lovely angel, Miss Emma." Mr. Thomas hesitates as he scrutinizes Killian. "Are you here to fire me, too? I have heard that you have fired most of the older workers." The thought that seems to linger in his mind is how much the younger man reminds him of his old boss, Brennan Booth.

"Of course not, actually I would like to offer you employment that may be safer for a man your age. As for the other older employees that have been let go, that was not on my order. Now about the employment, it will have to wait until you are completely healthy seeing as the lovely Miss Emma would sooner cut off my hand than let me encourage you to start working before you are truly healed from your injuries and sickness." Killian arched an eyebrow and grinned at the old man as he spoke. "I have some business back in town, upon my return I will surely get to the bottom of the firing of our older workers."

The man smiled as he saw Killian close the door shut on his way out. He truly had a remarkable likeness to Brennan Booth - and it was not just physical, he shared a good heart too.

Killian is finally away from the Booth Estate. He misses his simple life and yet all the eyes on him say his life will no longer be simple. It seems the rumors have not died out. The curious glances and the hushed whispers he keeps getting from the simple commoners to the rich and noble are an indication that it will not happen anytime soon.

He is walking towards his new office at Tiny's Golden Goose Tavern where his old friend has allowed him to rent one of the rooms as an office, at least until he finds something more suitable. He hopes Smee is in there assisting Archie as he was previously instructed to do so.

He walks in and greets his friend with a cordial nod then heads up the stairs to the modest room he is renting. He opens the door and is met by the sleeping forms of Smee and a couple of Tiny's workers. No doubt in his mind the men had entertained themselves the prior night with some libations from the bar.

"Rise and shine, you bilge rats! No offense, Mr. Smee," Killian says loudly, even though Smee does remind him of a rat from time to time.

The other men in the room scurry away, but Smee just stretches lazily as his chair shakes and rattles slightly out of balance. He sleepily replies, "None taken, Captain. For some reason, I keep dreaming of cheese."

Killian laughs at his first mate's comment, perhaps he had lived as a rat in a previous life. "Smee, there is no need to report on the town's gossip since I got the gist of it on my way here. Are you not going to congratulate your Captain? It appears I'm in the market for an engagement ring," Killian says as he shuffles some of the papers thrown on the desk.

"Sir, does the engagement ring be for Miss Milah?" Smee asks.

"Of course not! For my bride to be, Miss Emma Nolan," Killian answers as he tries not to lose his temper.

"I don't understand, sir, the plan was for you to get Miss Milah back, alongside the considerable Booth fortune," Smee tells his longtime boss.

"Are you questioning my actions, Mr. Smee?" Killian asks as he crowds the portly man and waits for a response.

"No, of course not sir, it's just... I cannot help but mention that you seemed different on my last visit to the Booth's. I believe it is because of her." Smee's voice gets higher and higher as he cowers from Killian's piercing glare.

"Smee, don't misunderstand my actions, it is all part of the ruse I have concocted in order for my plan to succeed. I'm only entering into this marriage to cover up the little dalliance I had with Milah so her rich new family will not be suspect of her misdeeds. You see if I'm part of the family, my presence will not be questioned or unwanted and in order for the plan to be successful, I have to act like I want to be a better man. Finally, if with my marriage to Emma, Milah is to experience half of what I felt on my return from Arendelle, then who am I to question my good luck? Milah hates her cousin and if my revenge is provided by her lovely cousin, I will allow it," Killian says as he looks around.

In the heat of the conversation, they both had missed Archie entering the room and subsequently overhearing their conversation. The look of disappointment on his face was enough of a warning to Killian of the lashing that was about to be directed at him. Killian clenched his jaw in frustration as he made his order known. "Smee, go get me something to eat from Tiny's kitchen and take your time. I have some things to discuss with Archie."

"Yes, sir," Smee scurried out of the room as fast as humanly possible.

"There was no need to dismiss him. I will just say this to you, Emma deserves better than to be used and lied to. She has a good heart and she seems to see the same thing in you as I do. She was devastated by August's actions and now you are using her too. Killian, don't you see how lucky you are?" Archie asks shaking his head.

"Are you going to tell her what you heard?" Killian asks. His stomach drops and he cannot admit to anyone, much less himself, that he cares so much more than he should.

"Killian, I should tell her so she can call off this wedding, but I won't. I will give you the chance to do the right thing, to do the honorable thing. I came to tell you that I had found a lovely house that would be perfect for you two. Mrs. Lucas is selling her home because of her deteriorating health, and since she will be moving in with her granddaughter, Ruby Whale, she has no need for the furniture. Earlier today I went to Dr. Whale's home to finalize the deal on your behalf and the house is available to move in as soon as possible," Archie says and looks at Killian as he waits for a response.

"Is there anything else you need to add?" Killian asks stubbornly. He hates seeing the disappointment on Archie's face, but he will not fold on this matter. He will marry Emma because she is the means to an end. Killian is back to feeling angry and he was a fool to ever think that he would ever be seen as anything other than the worthless, womanizing, selfish scoundrel that he will undoubtedly always be.

He will not give up Emma as she will surely lead him to his happy ending, whether he deserves it or not. He thought for a brief second that he could join her and be a part of something special but alas, that is not in the cards for him, at least not with someone like her. Milah, on the other hand, is someone like him, one of the worst humans around.

He doesn't deserve light, he only is worthy of darkness. The truth is, he lied to Smee, he said those words because Smee made him feel weak and not in control of his feelings. He had felt a shift in his core because of Emma, but he will not lie to himself and think that there is a possibility that she could possibly feel as he does. He will not be made a fool by another Nolan woman.

Emma finally walks into the house after regaining her composure. She understands who Killian Jones was and she knows who he can evolve into. She cannot deny the fact that she had been upset about his story but at the time he didn't owe her anything. She hopes that tidbit stays in the past.

She hears her name and turns to meet the source. "Good morning," Emma says to Cora, cordially.

"Good morning It seems congratulations are in order," Cora says.

"Oh?" Emma responds. "Your mother informed me of the upcoming nuptials between you and the Captain," Cora says.

"Let me guess, my mother came to you in hopes you would be able to talk me out of it," Emma says, rolling her eyes at her mother's antics.

"Yes, she did, but I will do no such thing. I'm actually happy you two are to wed. I can now relax, since I'm assuming the two of you will leave once you have married, and subsequently he will forget about whatever brought him here. Thank you, you are a savior," Cora says as she smiles and walks away.

Emma doesn't see the triumphant smile on Cora's face as she leaves her standing in the long hall, mulling over her actions. The only reason she is marrying Killian is to save her family, not because she sees a happy future with him.

Snow is walking aimlessly in her room and she glances out the window. Her daughter cannot marry that man. Earlier she had seen them interact outside among the flowers. It had been a highly romantic setting and she could not help but notice that there were no advances on his part.

She knew of his reputation with women and her fear was that he would not be able to show her daughter the respect she deserves.

Maybe she could agree to meet him and cautiously get to know him. She could request for Emma to not rush into the marriage. Emma has barely recovered from her previous heartbreak, and she is afraid of what could become of her Emma if this relationship fails as well.

She needs David to help her convince Emma to wait. Sadly, her daughter seems to be set on marrying soon. There is no time to lose, so she writes a quick message to David letting him know of the situation. She needs someone to go into town to deliver her message to Archie who will then send the telegraph to Arendelle. Her maids are gone, so the only option left is to send Enith and she seems to dislike taking orders from anyone that is not the lady of the house.

Snow calls for Enith who surprisingly quick to answer her call.

"Enith, I need to send you on an errand. Please take this to Mr. Hopper; he will know what to do. Oh, and you don't need to wait for a reply." Snow smiles warmly as she hands the letter to Enith sends her on her way with hopes there will be enough time to delay Emma's wedding.

Unfortunately, when Enith finally returns, it is to tell Snow that Archie has already left for Arendelle according to the man in the red hat. Snow thanks her and is left alone once more to ponder her next move.

Note: Thanks to everyone who is reading, commenting, reblogging and showing this story and I, so much love.

Tagging:

@hookedonapirate​​ @kmomof4​​ @searchingwardrobes​​ @seriouslyhooked​​​ @profdanglaisstuff​​​ @let-it-raines​​ @revanmeetra87​​​ @snowbellewells​​​ @hollyethecurious​​​ @kymbersmith-90​​ @branlovestowrite​​ @thejollyroger-writer​​​ @shireness-says​​ @ilovemesomekillianjones​​  @thisonesatellite​​​ @thesschesthair​​​ @winterbythesea​​ @stahlop​​​ @resident-of-storybrooke​​​  @superchocovian​​​  @lfh1226-linda​​​ @artistic-writer​​​ @thislassishooked​​​ @shardminds​​​ @winterbaby89​​​ @xhookswenchx​​​ @ultraluckycatnd​​​ @gingerchangeling​​​ @laschatzi​​​ @wellhellotragic​​​ @xemmaloveskillianx​​​ @courtorderedcake​​​ @pirateherokillian​​​ @optomisticgirl​​​ @darkcolinodonorgasm​​​ @sherlockianwhovian​​​ @andiirivera​​​ @djlbg​​​ @nikkiemms​​​ @jennjenn615​​​ @scientificapricot​​​ @officerrogers​​​ @imlaxdris71​​​ @therealstartraveller776​​​

[chaosbcrne]

i've contemplated making this post for some time now and kept struggling when trying to find the right words to even begin with. i've come to the conclusion that there's no one good way to do this, especially coming out of nowhere as it is, so i'll just preface it by saying, to you, whoever might be reading this, you are under no obligation or expectation to read any further.

i am making this post to address as much as i can think of addressing, as a way of having proper closure here. this is not me trying to make a comeback or anything of the sort, it's just me trying to close the book for myself and anyone else who might feel concerned. so please, if you know enough to know why i disappeared, if hearing from me stresses you out, if my presence makes you feel unsafe to any degree or you know it might have a negative effect on your mental state or even just your mood, please do not feel any pressure to read on. you will not be out of the loop if you do not read this, this post will have zero impact on you or the community. this post will not be deleted or edited either, so if you can't stand to just ignore it, feel free to come back to it later.

before i get into anything, i want to apologize for any potential bad timing; i have not logged in here or otherwise seen the state of the dash since roughly two or three weeks after my last post (so about four months ago). i do not know who is or is not following me or who otherwise might see this post , i do not have the slightest idea of how the community fares these days. i apologize if this happens to be published at an especially bad time, or on the contrary it's a particularly good one, it's purely coincidental, and i encourage you once again to simply come back to this when it's more convenient if you do feel like you ought to read what follows.

as stated previously i have had no contact with this blog or any of the blogs that were previously associated with it in a few months now. i have no idea if what happened where i'm concerned was addressed publicly or not. i do believe it would have warranted a callout post, but i don't know if one was actually made. it makes it difficult to address when i don't know what people generally do or don't know, so i'll just say this: everything you've heard, if you've heard anything, is probably true.

the abuse, the gas-lighting, the suicide baiting, the mean or passive-aggressive comments, the talking smack about people in private. all of it happened, and it was happening for several months, and i'm not here to try to deny or justify any of it. i'm sure anyone who paid attention to the dash was able to observe that i had questionable vibes at best, and i'm here to tell you that it was much, much worse in private, and it was much, much worse for those who endured it than i could ever make it out to be.

for most of the time i was on here, i tried to advocate against elitism, clique culture and all around bad energies while being one of the main people to perpetuate them. i never questioned myself and if anyone confronted me, i took for granted that they were wrong and argued around it. i had a 'assume people are shitty until proven otherwise' mindset that resulted in a lot of unwarranted aggression, mistrust and guilt-tripping towards many people. i caused an immense amount of tension and distress, both on and off the dash, and never took responsibility for any of it at the time. for that, i am sincerely sorry.

there's only so much i can say without starting to list everything i've done to people individually - which i think would be inappropriate considering i am making this post without speaking to them first or otherwise knowing whether they've recovered or would be okay with me disclosing the details of our involvements. 

however, i don't want to simply dismiss my actions by confirming i did them and moving on, either. if there are any allegations i should address or at least acknowledge in more details, please let me know. i just quite frankly don't know how to publicly take accountability for things that went on over the course of a long time, or that weren't always explicit, or that i may not realize the full extent of even now, seeing as i've never gotten to actually discuss them with the people concerned. i don’t want to make this a potentially triggering read for those who were involved by bringing up details without their permission, but i don’t want those who weren’t involved to assume my actions were minor offenses only because said details are lacking, either. it's important not to underestimate the gravity of the harm i've caused, and far be it from me to try and sweep it under the rug. in that sense, the only thing i can say is, make no mistake, i am 100% guilty of all of it.

what’s more, me admitting to my wrongdoings is only me going off of what i can remember. i can guarantee that all i've done is even worse than i make it sound, seeing as it's worse than i'm able to comprehend, for i was never the one on the receiving end of my behavior.

for the longest time i wholeheartedly believed i couldn't be a bad person because i never /meant/ to hurt anyone. i was wrong. i was a bad person because even when i knew that i was capable of unintentionally hurting people, i did not take responsibility or seek to correct my behavior. i always had (pardon the language) bullshit excuses to justify my actions and invalidate the pain of those i hurt, whether it was to myself or to other people. i thought my initial intentions mattered more than the effect they had, and therefore no harm was ever actually my fault because i hadn't intended it.

it's an incredibly toxic mindset to have. it's the same rhetoric with which racists, homophobics, ableists and such people can get away with racism, homophobia, ableism and so on without guilt- by convincing themselves that if they don't mean it that way, then it absolves them of blame, and whatever harm they cause is technically the victim's fault for taking offense to it. it's a very harmful thought process, and not at all the kind of person i want to be, and i'm sorry i hurt so many before i came to understand this.

for what it's worth, i am getting help. i am seeing a therapist once a week since may, with the goal of understanding where my abusive and manipulative reflexes come from and getting rid of them. beyond our weekly sessions, i was given an exercise to do on my own time, on a daily basis (or at least as often as i interact with others), meant to help me learn to believe in the inherent goodness of people and develop a kinder and more optimistic disposition towards them. i have also taken a summer course in communication in hopes of (re)learning how to properly listen and be more receptive of people's thoughts (and especially criticism), although that has admittedly not proven quite as effective as i'd hoped, so i am looking to consult with a specialist in that department when post-pandemic re-openings allow it.

obviously, none of these efforts make up for what i've done. they are quite frankly too little too late and will never erase the pain i've inflicted. unfortunately, they are also the only concrete action i can take to make amends after the fact, now that the damage is done. or so it seems from my current perspective.

if there is anything else i can do to make up for even a fraction of the harm i've caused, i would be very thankful to hear about it. if there is something i am at fault for that i may not be taking accountability for, i would also like to know. keeping in mind that, while knowing exactly how my behavior was problematic would allow me to better take the blame for it, this is not an obligation or expectation in any way. please only let me know about such things if you feel secure in doing so; do not feel pressured if you feel it would compromise you. my growth is no one's responsibility but my own. that being said, i know that i scared and bullied a lot of people into silence in the past, and i feel like inviting you to speak up about the stress or pain i've caused you is the least i can do to make up for it. if it's more empowering for you to ignore this and move on, by all means, just ignore this and move on.

if at all possible, i would also like to apologize for my behavior - more than just generally. i honestly believe that i have caused some manner of torment, whether directly or indirectly, to everyone in this community, and that everyone is deserving of an apology. i am fully aware that most of the people concerned likely feel unsafe at the idea of being in touch with me in any way, so i will not be reaching out to you directly myself, but with your permission, i would like to personally and individually apologize to anyone willing to indulge me for a brief exchange. i am not doing this to earn your forgiveness; i am doing this because i genuinely feel bad. if i can contribute to your finding closure by acknowledging how i've wronged you, it's the least i can do. i promise that i have no intention of using this as an opportunity to renew contact and that, should you do me this favor, you will be more than welcome to completely cut ties after the fact with no hard feelings on my end.

i can be reached in a fairly timely manner (as in, i am logged in on those accounts on my phone) on discord (Eph#2409) and tumblr ( @friendlifyre ). if a less instant method of communication is more comfortable for you, the e-mail crimsonxblur@gmail.com is at your disposal. if you don't mind the wait, you can also give me a nudge on this blog, as i will be (albeit rarely) logging in here to work on old drafts (without publishing them) until they're finished or i otherwise feel content with leaving this part of my life behind.

as a small addendum, i am humbly asking to please be civil if you use any of these methods to reach me. while i am arguably deserving of the death threats and insults coming my way, i am sharing these specifically to make open communication possible, and to make it easier to avoid me for those who wish to do so. i will not silence you if you choose an aggressive approach as i recognize it's ultimately what i deserve; i only ask that you at least consider that i am really just trying to do something right in the wake of all the wrong i've done, and i would appreciate if all related messages could remain constructive and not just mean for the sake of being mean.

as a conclusion i can only apologize once more for the bad vibes i brought into this community. it will be months if not years of active work on myself before i can confidently say that i have made progress and become a better person, yet i suspect a good number of people may carry with them the tension and fear i've instigated far longer. i am truly sorry. i can only offer, for what little consolation it might be, that not at single day goes by that i don't regret my actions and feel the weight of them.

if i could give my past self any advice, or anyone who indulges in similar attitudes, it would be to keep questioning yourself, to stop assuming you know better. just because your intentions are not bad does not mean they never affect people in a bad way. just because you can recognize abusive behavior in others, does not make it inherently impossible for you to be abusive. make an effort every day to consider those around you as individuals, even when it's easier to view them as parts of a bigger whole, of a community. learn not only to be kind but to think kindly, to catch yourself when you think mean thoughts and condition yourself to a more positive approach. assume people are good until proven otherwise. if there's anything you want to get off your chest that you wouldn't want divulged to the whole world, even when you think you're just harmlessly venting, you are ultimately spreading negativity and should work on getting rid of it from within instead.

it's always more work to improve than to stay the way you are, but you owe it to everyone else if not to yourself to be someone who's good to be around.

thank you for taking the time to read this if you have. regardless of who did or whether there is any kind of response to this, i will continue this work-in-progress that is my self and try to make sure i never put anyone else through what i've been putting people through here. i am glad i have the opportunity to acknowledge at least some of my problematic behavior and apologize, as it seemed, for quite some time now, the only logical step i hadn't taken yet in my journey to moving forward.

once again, thank you for reading this, and, assuming this is the last interaction we'll have with one another, i wish you the very, very best.

[jungnoir]

language of the flora;

⇢ summary: jeno’s too shy to confess his crush on you with words, the barista who works next door to his flower shop, so he decides a clever alternative is through the language of flowers. there is only one problem... you’re not that fluent in plant.

⇢ relationship: lee jeno/reader.

⇢ genre: florist!au, romance, fluff, humor.

⇢ words: 9.9k

⇢ warnings: amateur understanding of flowers by author, probably.

a/n: this photo does things to me. also! i’m trying something new: no gif this time. this is technically a christmas story but i’m a day late ;-; pls accept

april.

There a few things that Lee Jeno is particularly good at; none of which include flirting, as though one might think.

It was hard to imagine the teenager having a hard time with love, seeing as he was so handsome and naturally charming without having to try. He was the type of boy high school students younger than him would giggle about behind their hands and draw hearts around his name in their diaries, though they’d never tell a soul. He was the type of boy old ladies thought reminded them of when they were younger, of a time when there was a boy just like him that made all the others swoon. He was the type of boy that you thought stepped right out of a slice of life drama or a shouju manga. He made you feel peaceful every time you saw him, all bright eyes and toothy smiles as he’d ask customers what special occasion brought them in that day. Sometimes, his smile really did put those flowers to shame.

But no matter how charming he was to everyone else, it seemed that he was either a really good actor or he was only destined to malfunction in the presence of one person. That one person being you.

You weren’t able to miss the flower shop the first time you’d seen it, nine months ago in warm July as you stepped up to La La Cafe for your first ever job interview. It was brightly decorated in flowers of all sorts of colors, the large glass windows out front letting in light from the outside and letting you peek in to the inside. You had only looked for so long, just barely catching a glimpse of a brunette employee at the counter handing a little old lady a bouquet of lilies before you realized you would be late to your interview if you strayed too long.

After you’d gotten the job, you’d found yourself passing the flower shop everyday to get to work, and each day you’d peek inside to look for the brunette employee. Everyday, he was there. He had utterly entranced you with those eye smiles of his and the sunny disposition he gave off as he helped customer after customer, and yet not once did he ever seem to notice your set of curious eyes following his movements for a few moments each morning.

It had gone on for so long that you had started to feel like a grade A creep, but you couldn’t say you felt bad for simply looking. Maybe one day you’d muster up the courage to go in and talk to him, but that thought had quickly left you the minute life started to pick back up for you. Between work and classes, you had somewhat abandoned your idea of visiting the flower shop and the handsome brunette who worked in it.

That was, until you started taking your break outside.

The coffee shop had a cute little veranda out front, staffed with tables and comfy chairs to enjoy your treats in the calm. In the summer, it was way too hot to be sitting out there, but you always loved the time before it. It was neither too cold (like winter) nor too hot. Spring had become a perfectly rainy, warm season that aroused annoying little allergies more than goosebumps. This was your favorite time to sit out there with a cup of tea and a sandwich as you enjoyed what little time you had after the majority of the lunch rush dissipated each weekend.

Had you not been so caught up in the sweetness of your tea, you might not have even noticed that someone was standing outside the veranda, wide eyes staring you down in an almost shocked manner. You realized with belated shock that it was the brunette you’d been eyeing for months.

He was currently holding a potted plant in hand, mid-turn it seemed when he had spotted you, and he looked a lot like a lost puppy when you waved to him after a few moments of silence, “Hi!”

Well, you were new.

Jeno had often come by the La La Cafe in his past to grab something quick before his shift started at the flower shop. Since he worked so often, he needed the extra caffeine to get him up and running for the customers he’d face throughout the day, though he hadn’t been in a long while. It also helped that his friends Donghyuck, Mark, and Renjun worked at that same cafe as well. If he wasn’t able to stop by, they would take it upon themselves to visit the shop with his usual in hand and pester him about this and that until their manager started to look for them. They usually never got in much trouble seeing as Jeno was a beloved customer, but still...

He finally registers that you’ve greeted him and it’d be polite to greet you back, raising his hand to wave to you. However, he realizes too late that both hands were needed to hold the pot in his grasp, and as soon as he lets one hand go, it falls to his feet and crashes onto the concrete.

You’re up on your feet in seconds, frowning and rushing over to the flower shop storefront where the mess now laid; pieces of jagged, brown ceramic from the once intact pot now lay scattered across the ground in the mess of a heap of wet dirt and a little budding flower in the middle of it all. You and the stranger drop to a crouch at the same time, both reaching for the same piece at once and flinching when fingers meet glove. The boy looks up, a dusty pink blush settling on his cheeks, “I-I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”

You almost want to scold him for apologizing, “Don’t be! I distracted you, not the other way around... will you have to pay for this pot?”

He looks at the pieces and frowns, nodding minutely as he starts to grab another piece instead, carefully cradling it to his apron covered chest. He stops nodding when he sees the upset look on your face though, “It’s okay! My boss is really nice, it’s just one little pot. Please don’t feel bad.” And then he shines that familiar, sunshine-y smile at you and you feel your insides turn to utter goo. A breeze blows by and brushes his brunette locks into his eyes, making him look even more unreal. How could a boy look so much like the personification of warmth?

“Are you sure? I can pay for it.” You say, though internally you wince as you think of forking over cash for the pot. You were painfully saving up for that new car you really wanted, and every little bit counted.

Before you can think of going to retrieve your wallet, he places a gloved hand on top of yours and smiles again, “You can do something else for me actually, if you really feel bad. Can you scoop up some of the dirt here while I go get another pot?” He pulls off his gloves and hands them to you, you taking them with uncertainty in your eyes that he seems to ignore.

He stretches his long legs and nods at you, mouthing “one second” before disappearing back into the shop.

You aren’t sure what to make of the situation just yet, a little flustered from the handsome boy who you had been admiring for quite a while just... happening to show up like this. It left you a little breathless.

You decided if you were going to absolve yourself of this guilt you were feeling, you’d have to do your duty and scoop up the dirt like he asked. Slipping on his gloves and noting how warm they were, you start to carefully scoop up what you can, being careful as you come across the small, budding flower. Just in time, the boy comes back with a new pot and holds it out toward you as soon as he’s close enough, instructing you to drop it in.

Once it’s inside, he carefully presses down the dirt around the flower, checking that all is right with it. You can’t help but ask: “What type of flower is that?”

He looks surprised when he hears you ask, almost like he’d forgotten you were even there as he tended to the flower. He laughs nervously and holds it out to you for a closer look, “It’s going to be a calla lily. A little girl who comes by the shop sometimes wanted to take care of a plant, but her mother doesn’t think she’s responsible enough yet, so we made a deal for me to keep it here and let her come by and care for it... actually, you probably didn’t want to know all of that.” The boy suddenly shies away a bit, holding the pot closer to himself. You swear you’ve never seen anything more adorable.

“No! That’s really cute actually. Very nice of you, too.” “It is? I just want to share my love of flowers with others,” he looks from your eyes to the plant, never staring at one thing for too long. You wonder how he went from being so cute and bright to being a nervous wreck before you, but still think quietly to yourself that it’s endearing, “people who take the time to care for living things unlike themselves are usually pretty great people, in my opinion.”

“Sounds like you’re tooting your own horn.” You smirk mirthfully, watching as he stutters in astonishment. He looks mortified, stuttering over his words as he attempts to form a good reply when you wave him off with a laugh, “Just kidding.”

He looks both relieved and embarrassed, fumbling with the new pot so much that you think he might drop this one too. You have your hands open at your sides just in case. Carefully, you stand again and peel off his gloves, holding them out before realizing he probably still needs both hands for the pot. Instead of letting him make another mistake, you reach forward and stuff the gloves into the open pocket at the front of his apron, coming a little close to do so. You swear you can hear a muted breath of surprise from the florist before you’ve pulled away completely.

You glance at the time on your watch and curse softly, “Darn, I don’t have much break time left. Do you need help sweeping this up?” You ask, looking from the mess still on the ground to him, but he shakes his head stiffly in response. “Okay, see you around!”

You turn to go collect your food and make your way back to the cafe doors before you realize something, twisting around just in time to catch the boy almost disappearing into his own shop as well. You shout your name to him and he stops, looking over at you and blinking in confusion. You laugh, “That’s my name. What’s yours?”

He seems to start when he figures out your intentions and calls back at equal volume, “I’m Jeno! Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too, Jeno. Tell carnation girl she’s doing a great job!” You wave your hand and scoop up your things, smiling at him once more before entering the cafe with a genuine smile on your face. You brush past Donghyuck, the resident troublemaker at work, who looks you over a few times before following closely after you to the break room.

“What’s that smile for?” He questions, tone lifted in a curious tint that you know spells trouble for you. Regardless, you know withholding information from him would only make him stick to you more, so you relent.

Setting your things down on the nearby coffee table, you turn to him with your hands on your hips, “I was talking to the boy who works next door.”

Donghyuck’s eyebrows raise, “Jeno? Like a tall,” Donghyuck positions his hand a few inches over his head, “brunette, kinda awkward dude around our age?”

You blink at him, “...Yeah.”

The boy chuckles, face falling into an expression of unsettling (for you, anyway) contentment. He folds his arms over his chest and you watch his lack of muscle flex at the action, “I ship it.” “We just met.” “It’s too late. A florist and a barista? How cute is that?”

july.

From that day forward, you had found yourself taking refuge on the patio with your little lunch and your phone, mindlessly scrolling through social media until the bell on the door of the flower shop would ding, signaling your entertainment for the day. Jeno would walk out and get to work tending to the flowers that lined the storefront, spot you, wave, and then get back to work. You hated to stare, really, but you also really enjoyed watching the boy work. He’d drag his bottom lip between his teeth and furrow his brows when he was trying to be extra delicate with a plant, though you doubted he need focus so much.

You had even once likened him to an incarnation of Persephone, or maybe a child of her. His natural way with nature had kept you even more fixated on him for weeks, much to Donghyuck’s intense amusement. Word spread from him to Renjun and then lastly to Mark (the eldest having taken the longest to catch on, bless his soul), and by the time the season was over, all three of your goofy co-workers were trying to set you up with the florist who just had to be one of their good friends too.

It was a slow day one late summer afternoon, your eyes threatening to roll back into your head if you had to sit idle any longer. There were usually a good number of patrons when it was this hot out and people were dying for something to cool off with, but you hadn’t seen a soul in the last half hour and there was talk of even higher temperatures by next week that had you wanting nothing more than to slip into the nearest pool and chill. However, you had to save up for the holiday season, so you were cursed to be here for the entirety of your shift and to not complain.

Donghyuck was out sick (he’d actually fallen asleep sun-tanning and now had quite severe sunburn), Renjun was on a trip with his family, and Mark was currently napping on one of the tables, having left the entire shop to you (you had half a mind to scribble all over his face with your sharpie, if only he hadn’t covered for you so many times before since you’d started working there).

You’re about to let yourself rest when you feel a gush of warm air fill the air-conditioned room, your eyelids snapping back open to see who had decided to come in at that very moment.

And there he stands in a very loose blue tank and cargo shorts, hair recently cut short and sticking to his hairline with a light sheen of sweat. Jeno looks a little bashful as he enters, taking notice of the drooling Mark Lee and then you, eyes wide and staring at him like he had three heads. He walks further inside the shop, shooting you a tentative smile, “Slow day?”

Immediately you perk up, almost embarrassingly so, and try to plaster on the most not-sleepy smile you can, “Kinda! But you’re here to change that, aren’t you?”

Jeno giggles softly, taking out his wallet from his back pocket, “I feel bad I didn’t bring a steady flow of customers along with me, but I’m sure your boss will let you two off early. The streets are nearly dead. It’s way too hot to be walking around today.”

You look toward the clock on the wall and sigh, “I wish. What can I get you in the meantime, sweetheart?” You try really hard not to grin in triumph when Jeno’s cheeks turn an incriminating red.

“J-just an iced raspberry tea. Extra raspberries, please.” He sets down three ones and two quarters, the exact change for the drink, and you take it graciously.

Looking over the money, you decide to start up a little conversation, “You get this often?”

Jeno nods in confirmation, twisting this way and that as you make his drink for him. You take care to show just how many raspberries you were putting in it before capping it off and handing it to him, watching the way his eyes light up when the cool plastic reaches his fingertips. He takes a small sip and sighs in ecstasy, “This is the best thing I’ve ever tasted.”

“But you said you get it often.” You laugh, tilting your head to the side at him. The boy takes another sip and nods, shuffling around cutely as he does so.

“Yes... but this is the first time you’ve ever made it for me. I think I prefer it to Renjun’s formula but don’t tell him I said that.” His compliment flusters you a bit and you wonder quietly if he was getting you back for making him stutter earlier, though you doubted he was so vengeful. Or was he...?

“As much as I’d love to see the offended look on his face if I did, I won’t get you in trouble. So long as you promise to keep visiting when I’m on shift. I don’t want you missing out on ‘the best thing you’ve ever tasted’ now, do I?” Feeling bold, you hold out your pinky to him for a promise, his own eyes zeroing in on said appendage in surprise before reaching out his free hand and linking his own pinky with it, blinking rapidly when you squeeze his tight and shake it up and down like a deal. You find it so adorable how Jeno can switch between borderline flirtatious and shy, nervous mess all at once. You couldn’t tell what would make him nervous next, but it was cute watching it unfold either way.

You hear something ringing in the background and you recognize it as your phone, somewhere in the break room and blaring your ringtone through the closed door. You jump in surprise and release Jeno’s pinky quickly, letting his hand hover awkwardly where you left it to go retrieve your phone, “Sorry Jeno, gotta get that! Enjoy your tea!” You call, shooting him a smile before rushing into the back.

By the time you actually get to your phone, you’ve missed the call. You stare at the screen as a text follows the missed call notification soon after, your mother alerting you that she would be picking up dinner from that Thai restaurant you both loved tonight. You send her a quick affirmative and make your way out of the break room, tossing the phone back on top of your backpack before letting the door close behind you.

It’s only when you arrive back at the counter that there is another customer there, looking relieved when they see you. You immediately put on your best smile (though it pales in comparison to the one you’d given Jeno), and greet the customer with the usual “hi, how are you?” spiel.

In the midst of taking and returning the change the customer gives you, you watch the woman point somewhere near the cash register out of the corner of your eye, your mind more focused on getting her exact money back than anything, “That’s a pretty gardenia there.”

You hum, not thinking much of it, and hand her her money back. Just as you’re about to turn around and get started on her smoothie, you realize that there is a flower there that you don’t think was there before. It’s white, the “gardenia” you guess, and it stands in the tip bucket right next to the register. You can’t remember if it was there before or not, but its presence is curious.

“A gardenia, you said it was?” You ask the woman, starting on her drink.

She nods and smiles, though looking a little surprised at you, “You didn’t know? That’s your tip jar, isn’t it?”

You nod, feeling a little out of it as you try to place if that flower had been there before or not. Its origin is tricky to recall in your mind, despite how blatantly bright it is for you to even miss it in the first place.

When you finish the customer’s smoothie and give it to her, she smiles and nods to the flower with a sparkle of something unknown to you in her eyes, “Hm, I guess it’s fitting you don’t know where it came from. Lucky you.”

You blank and follow her retreating form well until it has left the building altogether, still leaving you there with an empty silence, a sleeping Mark, and a “gardenia” you have no idea where it materialized from. You look at the flower in awe, plucking it from your jar and turning it this way and that. It’s real, and relatively fresh, which means it had to be placed there recently. You think back to how many people had come in today, but only one name sticks out in your mind.

Walking from behind the counter and up to a window, you peek out to where the flower shop is, finding no trace of Jeno outside at all, gardenia still clutched in your fingers with a question you aren’t sure how to ask. What had that woman meant by ‘lucky you’ after all?

november.

Your plans to google the flower’s meaning disappear like the summer season, and you’re back to working on weekends or after school like before. Your car funds have grown exponentially since last summer, and you were already getting on top of Christmas presents for your family distant and near. With the coming autumn weather, you had started to see Jeno less and less, adding to your disappointment coming into work. Yours and the boys’ schedules moved around naturally, and sometimes you’d go days without seeing one of them. You chalked it up to the cold weather making you feel lonely, but it wasn’t exactly fun being a high school senior these days.

Nothing makes you smile quite like music though, and you find yourself sitting outside the cafe with hands shoved in your pockets and earphones in your ears, if only to avoid the bustle of customers inside whose voices carry over the lyrics playing in your ears. While it’s cold, you don’t realize just how cold until you feel a warm, glove-covered hand press to your cheek. The temperature difference and sudden touch is shocking, enough to make you jolt and open your once closed eyes in surprise.

You hadn’t expected Jeno of all people to be standing there, bent double before you with a cutely red tinted nose. He blinks when your eyes meet his, and you can hear him say something behind his thick scarf wrapped around his mouth, but you don’t exactly pick up on the words. All you recognize is the hand he holds out before you, and without thinking you take it.

Before you know it, you’re in the warmth of the flower shop and letting yourself sigh in relief. Cold limbs shiver and unravel from their previous position all curled up against your body to fight off the weather, much to Jeno’s visible worry when he doesn’t leave your side for even a second. He unwraps his scarf and is wrapping it around your exposed neck, covering what your flimsy hoodie could not. Next, he’s taking off his large gloves and you’re reminded of the first day you’d met, his hands working to push them onto your fingers with a furrowed brow. You really had underestimated how cold it was outside.

“I’ll get you some tea... there’s some in the back.” He says quietly, surprising you when he doesn’t scold you like you’d expect from any of your other friends had they found you in the same position. He shrugs off his coat and walks into the back without a word, leaving you wordlessly fiddling with his gloves on your hands and the scarf that is damn near saturated in his warm scent and taking over your senses.

In his absence, you decide it wouldn’t hurt to look around.

You walk closer to the counter you’d seen Jeno at so many times, glancing around at the things that decorated his space. Your eyes took in everything, from the large, black pruning shears to the half-wrapped bouquet of what looked like yellow roses sitting on the wooden stool where you supposed he sat when he got too tired of standing.

The flower shop was so beautiful inside, but it had a much different atmosphere on such a cloudy, cold day. There ware a few warm lamps glowing here and there, the gloomy weather outside keeping away the sunny light you had grown used to seeing the place be filled to the brim with. You could see a few potted plants sitting near the front door, looking awfully out of place. It’s only when you hear the wind outside pick up in strength that you realized what might’ve drawn Jeno outside in the first place.

As soon as you think that, Jeno is walking back out with two steaming mugs of what you recognize at first smell to be green tea. You smile when the mug reaches your hands, Jeno being careful to hand you the handle despite the heat of the ceramic on his palm. You take a tentative sip and nearly moan in delight, the warmth reaching almost every part of your body the longer you stand idle. You can tell Jeno is smirking behind the rim of his cup, making you flush, “What’s so funny?” You ask indignantly.

He pulls the mug away and keeps an innocent expression, though you can see there’s something playfully secretive there, “How do you like the tea?”

“Good. Actually better than mine, if I do say so.” You praise, taking a few more sips and humming quietly under your breath.

Jeno’s smirk turns into a full blown smile and God, if you could sue him for giving you such a beautiful smile without warning you definitely would be collecting your dues by now.

He sets his mug down and looks away from you, leaning an elbow on the counter, “I made it.”

Your eyes widen and you look down at the cup as if you can’t quite believe it. You might’ve expected someone else at work to have made it, or maybe he’d bought some and split it into two clean mugs to fool you, but instead he stands smugly before you as he basks in your awe.

You take another sip and then mutter in shock, “Jeno... this is 100% homemade?”

He nods and motions for you to follow him into the back where you see a small kitchen, and there on the old stove is a traditional, purple teapot. The smell becomes stronger as you get closer to it. “I’m not just crazy about the pretty plants. My boss taught me; she makes her own teas and showed me how to make the perfect cup every time.”

“Why do you even bother coming to the cafe, I wonder?” You ask, folding your arms over your chest and staring at the teapot.

Jeno looks at you from the side, mouth shut tight in fear he’d say something he’d regret. Instead, he just shrugs and hums something that meant neither yes or no in your mind. Internally, he can only say “because you’re there”. Externally, he turns to the front of the shop again and offers a smile, “Are you still on break?”

You glance down at your phone and nod when you see the time, watching as the boy takes the initiative to walk in front of you, “I’m always in your cafe, but I don’t think you’ve ever come to my shop,” you giggle at the idea that the La La Cafe is yours and that the flower shop is his, like you both pay the rent and take care of the land, “shall I show you around?”

“Yes, please. I feel like I’m in a Studio Ghibli film with all this pretty nature surrounding me.” You say, trailing behind him at such a length that leaves him both within arm’s reach and still at a respectable, totally not-weird following distance. You watch as he crosses his wrists behind his back and glance down at his stiff fists, wondering if he was nervous and trying hard not to show it. The thought that he was still nervous around you but was trying visibly to make you feel a little more comfortable did quite a number on your already rapidly unfolding feelings for the boy.

Thus begins a mini tour of the flower shop, your guide educating you on each and every plant he came across. Most of the flowers were unaffected by the cold so far, while others seemed to be on their way out of season. With each new flower he introduced to you, Jeno would give you the meaning of it. Sometimes you would fumble on names, and sometimes you would mix up meanings between two similar-looking flowers, but Jeno would lightly correct you with a patient smile each time. He looked rather happy to be telling you about the flowers, and you felt the same hearing about them.

You recognized a familiar flower at one point, raising your hand to single it out, “That flower! Those are calla lilies, right? The one that little girl was taking care of?” You notice the several lilies standing proudly in an ornate pot, “What do those mean?”

Jeno notices the lilies at the same time as you, a little surprised you even remembered them from the first time you met, “Ah... well, calla in Greek means beauty. So, the calla lily is a symbol of beauty... amongst other things.”

It was no secret to Jeno how fitting it was that your first meeting featured the flower, meant for you or not. He’d been captivated by you the moment he saw you, so much so that he’d suffered a moment of surprise and clumsiness. It was almost cliche how he’d started to see you whenever he cared for the lilies, and thus spurred him into something one could only define as a “crush”.

Jeno was no stranger to crushes, having had his fair share throughout his young life, but he swore he had never been this cringey about liking someone before. What had been a simple meeting had become something more, his eyes always looking for you when he could. It wasn’t a coincidence he would go out and tend to the flowers outside whenever you were on break, and yet it also wasn’t a coincidence that he would avoid the La La Cafe whenever you were on duty. Sometimes, he wondered if he was more comfortable keeping a distance because Renjun was right: he was afraid you’d turn him down.

The older boy had told him time and time again that his way of getting your attention was seriously backwards, though Jeno opted to just not listen to save his pride. Deep down, he knew it was weird how he pushed and pulled with you. Surely, it most likely didn’t strike you that odd what he was doing. In Jeno’s mind, you didn’t particularly care.

That had been somewhat confirmed that summer, when you’d promptly ignored his (very indirect) confession.

Jeno had nervously awaited the moment you’d come by and question him about the flower, about the meaning, and overall about his feelings for you. But to both his relief and utter disappointment, you’d done none of that. In fact, according to Mark, he wasn’t even sure you’d seen the gardenia. All he knew was that it was missing, and if you had taken it, you hadn’t thought much about it.

Had you, you might have never talked to him again. And he guessed that was fine. Maybe that day and that bit of confidence he’d needed to leave the flower for you in the first place went ignored for a reason.

You continue to walk with Jeno, arms folded behind your back and curious eyes scanning the place for this and that. The atmosphere was calm, radiating life and warmth despite the dark chill outside. There was something so calming about the nature around you, about Jeno next to you. You almost felt like a part of another world.

You keep walking until you see another familiar flower, a sudden urgency filling your chest when you recognize where it came from. Instinctively, you tug Jeno by the sleeve in the opposite direction he was headed, ignoring the sounds of his flustered confusion as you both stop before the flower in question. The minute Jeno realizes which one you are frantically pointing at, his throat closes up dry. Not now...

“I totally forgot to ask you about this one the day I saw it.” You pull him toward the bundled gardenias and look back at him expectantly, “You left it for me, didn’t you?”

Jeno doesn’t bother trying to lie. He nods his head slowly and frowns when you beam. If you can sense his overbearing discomfort, you surely don’t show it.

You run a delicate finger over the flower and hum, “What does it mean?”

“I-It has several meanings,” he isn’t lying to you per se, “some are purity, friendship, innocence...” He lists off all the related meanings he knows like he’s reading off a grocery list, avoiding the big one that he knows would ruin the comfortable peace you two had built within the last fifteen minutes.

“And which one of those did you mean?” You blink up at him, seemingly oblivious to his inner turmoil.

Swallowing, Jeno breaks eye contact with you to look at the flower instead, cursing himself for ever thinking he could be so bold as to... as to confess.

He could tell you now that he meant nothing by it, that it was just a beautiful flower and he wanted to brighten your slow day. He could easily say that he’d been picking flowers and leaving them for all kinds of people that whole day. He could probably even bet that if he told you it was any of the meanings he’d previously told you about, you wouldn’t bat an eyelash.

But it was you, and he couldn’t lie to you. He couldn’t bring himself to do something so small in anyone else’s eyes to you, no matter how “easy” it could be.

He’s in the middle of figuring out how he’ll tell you when he spots something pink in the corner of his eye, and his train of thought gets lost altogether when he gets a rather ingenious idea.

Abandoning you by the gardenias, he instead approaches a completely different flower, his hand fluttering over the bud before turning to you and motioning you over. You follow out of curiosity, but you try to make sure you don’t drop your question about the gardenia just yet.

The flower he is looking at now looks a lot like something you’ve seen before, and when you look a little closer, the word falls off your tongue without thinking, “...rose?”

Jeno nods, “Technically. It’s a moss rosebud... and I have a challenge for you.”

You look up from the rosebud to Jeno, done admiring the moss covered leaves that keep the pink rose from blooming, “A challenge?”

He points to your pocket where your phone sits, “Write down the name of this flower and the gardenia, then go home and look up their meanings yourself. When I see you next, you can tell me what they mean.”

You wonder why he just won’t tell you here and now what they mean. He could save you the time and effort, but as you whip out your phone to follow his instruction, you find that your break is nearly up and even if he did decide to explain to you their meanings now, you would need to be back in the cafe before then.

Hissing a curse under your breath, you quickly make a note of the two flowers and give Jeno an apologetic look, “I’m sorry... my break is over. I should go. But I will look up the meanings!” You tell him, walking back out to the front to put his gloves and scarf back. Jeno follows at a much slower pace, hands deep in the pockets of his pants and eyes scanning you as you get ready to leave. Before you can, however, Jeno grasps your wrist.

“Can you promise me something?” He asks, looking from you to the outside where wind continues to blow unforgivingly. You look at him in surprise, but otherwise stay still so he can continue to speak, “When you find out the meanings of those flowers... please don’t leave me hanging. Please be honest with me.”

He releases your wrist as you stare utterly confused, instead placing a hand on your back and telling you to hurry before you were late to get back to work. You do as told in a sort of daze, the cold air immediately stinging your exposed skin when the door opens and pushing you to rush toward the cafe for warmth. You look back when you’re on the veranda, just to see if he’s still looking, and find that he has disappeared completely from your sight. A heavy breeze blows past you and forces you inside the cafe with a red nose and a list of things to distract you for the duration of your shift, courtesy of the flower shop boy. 

december.

You don’t get to go back to the flower shop even after you find out what the flowers mean.

You had spent the time in your car ride home staring at your phone screen in utter awe, so much so that your mother had likened your reaction to some illness and insisted you stay home from work the following day. At first, you had seen her worry as an overreaction and told yourself you’d give Jeno an answer the next day you worked... except your mother hadn’t overreacted at all.

You guessed it was some motherly intuition she had to have noticed you were inflicted with the flu before you did, but you guessed sitting outside in the cold for as long as you had that day had done quite a number on you and no amount of homemade green tea from Jeno could have fixed that despite your wandering thoughts’ insistence it could. You were bedridden for a week and a half, a snotty and depressed mess as each day passed and your thoughts grew more and more consumed with Jeno. You had texted all three of your friends at La La to tell Jeno the problem, and while they insisted he understood why you weren’t at work for so long, you wondered if maybe he had other ideas about why you were out sick as well.

What if he thought you were strategically avoiding him? Playing sick so you wouldn’t have to say anything when the time came?

That entire week and a half starting in November bled into early December and left you somewhere on the verge of a mental breakdown. As finals were right around the corner, your focus on work dwindled and all of your attention was focused on school. You tried your best to catch up on homework you missed and studied well into the night for weeks, your eyes wanting to roll right out of your head after every exam (but they resisted, mainly because you knew you’d need to shove them right back in for the next exam and you doubted your teachers would cut you slack for that).

Your heavy heart did not disappear however, and whenever you were working, you were spending every break you could get in the midst of the influx of cold customers searching for a hideaway from the winter winds looking for Jeno. Your normal break time was exchanged for sporadic 15 to 25 minute breaks where you were either showing the new kid, Jisung, the ropes or sneaking in something to eat in the little time you had available to do so. With everything on your plate piling by the day and holiday worries to fill your head, trying to catch Jeno was a lot harder than you anticipated. He seemed to never be at work when you were there, and it was starting to get frustrating.

Thankfully, by the time school is out (three days before Christmas Eve), you have considerably lessened your workload and found enough time to stop the flower shop at the exact same time you knew Jeno would be there.

It was perfect timing too, because tonight was the night you’d be seeing Jeno for sure. Mark was throwing a small Christmas party for all of his friends and you were invited, as well as Jeno. You knew it would be painfully awkward for him if you said all you had to say at the party, so you thought it’d be better to catch him at the shop earlier that day and get everything out. If everything went according to plan, you’d tie up your little conversation with a bow and a hopeful “will you go to the party with me?” to top it all off.

However, it’s much your luck when you enter the tiny flower shop and find that instead of the beaming boy you’d grown so fond of in the last year and a half, there is a sprightly old woman behind the counter keeping up conversation with a seven year old. Your heart drops into your stomach immediately.

The old woman looks up when you enter, and you can’t help but think she’s the boss that Jeno had talked about before. Her greying hair is tied back into a neat bun and there’s an apron similar to Jeno’s hanging from her neck. Her lips, tainted in a pale pink gloss, pull into a small smile when she sees you, “Hello, dear! How may I help you?”

You swallow your disappointment down if only to smile, walking closer to the counter and glancing at the little girl perched on a stool to the side of the counter eyeing you like a hawk, “Hi... is Jeno here?”

Every time you had been able to come visit, there was some other young person here working in Jeno’s place, but this was the first time you’d ever actually seen his boss, and you felt awfully less confident speaking to her than anyone else despite the friendly expression she sported.

Her eyes widened a little and then she made a small sound, looking around before resting her hand on her chin, “He’s out today, doing deliveries. In fact, he left a little while ago. You just missed him.”

It really was your luck, wasn’t it?

Feeling extremely lousy, your shoulders visibly droop and the old woman perks up at this, “Is there anything I can help you with? Did you need Jeno for something specifically?”

Looking up at her, she seems worried for your pitiful expression. You look at her for a while, “Well,” you sigh, “I just... I don’t have his number and I’ve been needing to talk to him for weeks now, but I keep missing him.”

“Oh dear, what a shame. I can tell him you came by...? I don’t know what time he’ll get back.”

You’re about to tell her that that’d be nice, that you’ll just be on your way after (to sulk in your own despair, though you wouldn’t say that part out loud) when an idea pops into your head. Turning around, you scan the rows of flowers for a moment before you recall where you’d last seen your target, “Actually, can I buy something?”

She nods and walks out from behind the counter, “What would you like, dear?” “A rose. One single rose, please.”

Something sparkles in her eyes and she walks over to where the bundle of roses are, pulling on her gloves and plucking one out. She walks back over to the counter and begins to pluck the thorns, her eyes raising to you in curiosity, “You must be (Y/N).”

You blink, looking at her in shock that she even knew your name. Had Jeno told her...?

She laughs at your expression and starts to wrap the rose in brown paper, taking a tiny, elegantly frayed piece of string and tying the paper around the rose delicately, “Jeno tells me a lot of things, you know. I knew it was you the minute you walked in the door.”

“He talks about me?” If your cheeks weren’t already burning from the cold outside, they surely were now.

“Of course he does,” the person to speak next is the little girl, surprisingly, “sometimes he won’t even shut up about you.” She rolls her eyes, though you doubt she means it rudely. Her tightly done pigtails swing when she turns her head to the old woman who is quietly smiling to herself, paying close attention to tying the paper neatly.

The old woman then straightens up when she’s done, setting the rose on the counter and telling you the price. You fumble for your card as the new information settles in. Suddenly, you had never wanted to be a fly on the wall more than when Jeno was talking about you.

“...He doesn’t hate me, does he...? I feel so bad for getting distracted lately-” “He could never. He adores you. He’s more like a lovesick puppy than anything.” The sight of lovesick Jeno makes your heart flutter and you can’t help the small giggle that passes your lips at the vision.

The little girl speaks up again, tugging your sleeve to get your attention, “You like him too, right? Cause if you break his heart, I’ll make you regret it.” The strength behind the little girl’s words has you tensing up, watching her scrutinizing gaze follow you. You highly doubt she’s kidding.

You notice that there’s a pot near her elbow that’s perched on the counter, and realize that it’s that same calla lily you’d seen the first time you met Jeno. She had to be... “I promise, I won’t,” you tell her truthfully, turning fully to meet her gaze head on, “I... really, really like him. I won’t break his heart.”

She stares at you a little longer and then gives you the tiniest of smiles, her gaze softening instantaneously. At the same time, the old woman passes you your card back and you put it back in your wallet, taking the rose in your hands and smiling at the beautiful flower.

“I expect to see Jeno back here after the holidays, glowing from head to toe.” She says, “And tell him Annie is rooting for you both.”

You giggle again, nodding at her and remembering to do just that when you’d see him later. “Have a good day, girls.” You say to the both of them, making your way back out of the shop with an embarrassingly large smile on your face. Even in the face of the biting cold, you can’t help but feel warm inside.

Tonight, you’d show Jeno you too could speak in flowers.

You arrive to Mark’s party early only because you and the rest of the boys find out rather late that Mark Lee is worse at putting together parties than he is at giving out Christmas presents (and he’s really bad at giving out Christmas presents).

From six p.m. until nearly nine, you’ve been at Mark’s house. He’d managed a pretty good setup with the help of you, Renjun, Donghyuck, Jisung, and Renjun’s friend Chenle. You had helped string fairy lights across the room, make gingerbread cookies to die for, and make sure Donghyuck didn’t go around shaking present boxes to figure out whose gift was what. Once all of Mark’s other friends had showed up, the party was in full swing.

The only thing is, you still hadn’t seen Jeno anywhere.

Mark had insisted he’d sent the invite and gotten the affirmative from the boy that he’d be there, but not a trace of him could be found. The falling snow outside made you think the worst: had he gotten stuck in the bad weather? Maybe he had cancelled altogether after realizing you’d be there. Your piling worries did nothing to sooth your anxiety, despite your attempts to calm them down with copious amounts of hot cocoa and sugar.

Your rose sat in the kitchen on top of the fridge, untouched and safely tucked away from the bustle of the bustling party-goers who were determined to touch nearly everything in sight. Mark had already had to have a talk with a few people who almost knocked over his grandmother’s vintage vase, and you had quickly made your way over to back him up in case anyone thought to get snarky. Thankfully however, tonight was going as smoothly as it could.

The later it got and the closer to the end of the party it became, the more on edge you got. If Jeno really hadn’t showed, you’d have to wait even longer to see him, and you really wanted to confess to him tonight.

It seemed Jisung was privy to your dwindling enthusiasm as the night dragged on, and while the others were enthralled in Christmas karaoke, you were sat on a chair a little closer to the kitchen door, swirling your eggnog back and forth in your red solo cup. You felt something plop into the seat next to you, and when you looked up, the youngest of your friend gang was smiling up at you, “Not in the mood to smoke Renjun and Chenle with a rendition of ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’?”

You snicker softly, though the amusement doesn’t last long. Jisung notices, scooting a little closer with a frown, “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Jeno.” You say softly, not bothering to beat around the bush. The youngest had only been working there for a little while, but even he understood the weight of your crush enough to know that this was serious. “You don’t think he decided not to come because of me, do you?”

Jisung twists his mouth in a grimace, “I don’t think Jeno is that petty. And it’s not like he doesn’t know how hard you’ve tried to get in touch with him.” “Not hard enough, Jisung. It could easily look like I’m trying to be passive and that’s exactly what he asked me not to do.”

The more you talk, the further you wallow in your own upset. You don’t know why you’re even still here, moping in the corner and making the atmosphere darken by the second. Maybe you’re just too stubborn to accept he’s not coming to save your pride? Maybe you should just go home soon. People were already beginning to leave anyway, curfews and the like ensuring they’d get home on time or they would be in trouble. With the way the snowy weather was acting, it would take them quite a while to get back in the first place.

Jisung rests a hand on your shoulder and rubs, trying his best to comfort you as well as he can. Since Jisung wasn’t close with Jeno yet, he couldn’t really speak for him in his absence despite wanting to so badly. The younger boy had taken to you like an older sibling, and it made him upset to see you this way.

Just as he was about to say something to comfort you, you heard a chorus of loud, excited voice from the entrance. Raising your head slowly, you wonder if maybe it’s just one of Mark’s friends who showed up late.

And it is, but you know this friend.

Jeno is wrapped up in the same scarf and coat he’d had the day he showed you the shop and “confessed” to you, looking pink cheeked but happy regardless. He was surrounded by Donghyuck and Mark immediately, the both pair of them brushing snow off his shoulders and cracking jokes about his flustered appearance no doubt. You watched in quiet awe as his eyes turned into half-moons as he laughed, the sound making its way over to you even over the sound of Chenle blaring unnecessary high notes to “Last Christmas” over the karaoke speaker.

Without thinking, you stand, and then turn sharply so Jeno won’t see your face. Instead, you make eye contact with Jisung and hurriedly ask, “How do I look?”

Jisung looks you and up and down and laughs, “Like a lovesick puppy.” At your frown, he reaches a hand up and brushes a strand of hair behind your ear before giving you a thumbs up, “Jeno’s jaw is gonna hit the floor.”

You give the younger boy a big smile and a quick kiss on the cheek, thanking him for comforting you before sprinting into the kitchen and retrieving your rose. You have to use your tiptoes to even brush the paper, your tongue parting your lips and curling up unconsciously. You probably look silly as you focus on trying to get your rose, cursing asking Mark to put it up there for you in the first place. He’d set it so far back that your fingertips weren’t even touching it.

Your struggle lasted for barely a minute before you felt the paper touch the palm of your hand, and your little shout of victory was short-lived when you realized you hadn’t reached it on your own.

A warm chest pressed up against your back and an extended arm you hadn’t even noticed in your concentration had appeared beside your own, a familiar hand reaching for the flower and pushing it into your awaiting hand. You turn your head over your shoulder to find the person you’d be looking for all night. He looks bashful, avoiding your eyes as he steps back once he’s sure you’ve got what you were aiming for in your hands.

You quickly pull the flower down and hide it behind your back so he can’t see what it is behind the wall of paper it’s wrapped in, though you catch his eyes trying to see what it is regardless. “You’re here,” you say, embarrassingly out of breath, “I thought... uh...” “There was lots of snow. That’s... that’s why.” He has rid himself of his winter clothes and now stands several feet away from you in just an ugly Christmas sweater and some ripped black jeans that have you wanting to hide behind the rose in a puddle of mush.

“And you still came.” You breathe out, feeling a surge of admiration fill your chest. Could it possibly be because of...?

He says and does nothing to confirm it except for a small nod of his head, “Wouldn’t miss this for the world.”

The party? Or your answer?

“I’m really sorry,” you start, “between finals and holiday preparations, I kept trying to catch you at the wrong times. I’ve had what I wanted to say ready for a while but it was like every time I looked for you, you weren’t there. Like today.” You say softly, hand tightening around the stem of the rose in nervousness.

Jeno makes a noise, “I thought I recognized that wrapping paper from somewhere.”

You tug the rose further behind your back, cursing at yourself to keep going. “Right, well, you asked me for my answer. I’ll be honest, when I first found out the meanings of those flowers, I was in a state of shock... but I swear it was because I couldn’t believe you actually liked me back! Because... you may feel like the one to catch feelings first, but to be honest, I’ve been admiring you since last summer when I first started working at La La.”

Jeno’s eyebrows raise in revelation, but he doesn’t interrupt you.

“Anyway, Donghyuck, Mark, and Renjun knew that I liked you, but thankfully they never told. Today, I went to the shop to catch you because I finally had time and usually you’re there at that time but you were out doing deliveries, so I ended up meeting Annie... and bought this.” You pull the flower in front of you, avoiding his eyes to get your next words out, “she told me to tell you she’s rooting for us. No pressure or anything by the way. So, uh... will you go out with me?“

You chance a glance at Jeno, whose eyes are focused on the single rose. The longer he takes to say anything, the more nervous you get. You’re positive that you’re shaking now, but you still hold the rose and hope for the best.

You feel the rose being pried from your hands, and when you meet gazes with Jeno again, he has the nerve to be smirking at you, “Well, duh.”

You blink, “Wait, huh?” “I don’t know why you’re so nervous. I did confess first, you know. Of course I want to go out with you.”

He sets the rose down and looks at you fondly, pulling you with him toward the kitchen door, “Smart choice of flower, by the way.”

You snort as you lean into his side, basking in the warmth and feeling your shoulders slacken with relief. There he went again, bouncing between shy and confident and making you that much more smitten, “Thanks! It’s kinda the only one I know the true meaning of.”

Jeno is about to pull you into the living room when Donghyuck slides in front of you both, a knowing (and by association, terrifying) smile on his face. Jeno is, on the verge of asking what the problem is, interrupted when Donghyuck extends a finger and points toward the door frame where a sprig of mistletoe hangs above your heads dauntingly by a single strip of scotch tape.

Jeno’s cheeks flame red the second he recognizes it, eyes flashing from it to you, a look of pure sheepishness on his face. He looks like he’s malfunctioning or something, the poor boy can’t seem to form words. In his stead, you step forward a bit and give Donghyuck a look, “Donghyuck, it’s a little early for us to do that don’t you think?”

To your shock, Donghyuck laughs, “Who said anything about you two?”

You watch, somewhere between amusement and an utter loss for words as Donghyuck grabs Jeno by the sweater and down a little so he can plant a distressingly loud kiss on Jeno’s cheek, watching the eldest boy squirm in mortification.

When Donghyuck pulls away, he does the exact same thing to you, though you were fairly prepared for it after seeing the display on Jeno. You decide not to fight him like you and the boys usually would, letting him show his affection unhindered for one night only. He looks pretty pleased when you just give him a smile and pat his cheek, “Thanks for that, Hyuckie.” “No, thank you. I’ve been trying to get the others under the mistletoe all night. I think they’re on to me.”

[coyotelaughingsoftly]

What’s your take on JKR’s stand on Johnny Depp/Grindelwald issue?

Okay. It’s important for everyone to first of all understand that I don’t give a damn about celebs as people. Yes, I wish them well, hope nothing bad happens, yadda yadda yadda. I don’t care who they marry. I don’t research their relationships with their mother. I don’t, as one acquaintance of mine, have every picture of Suri Cruise ever published. (What about Rupert, I hear some of you ask? He’s a complete behavioral aberration that confuses even me, although I think part of his appeal is his reticence.) Aside from (some) actors/actresses, I don’t even know what they look like if they don’t perform in a visible media—I only know what JKR looks like because so many people reblogged her on here. Needless to say, I don’t follow any of them on social media platforms, I don’t read tabloids, and as soon as I see a text post with a famous name in it that isn’t short enough to be a joke, I skip it. The point I’m trying to make is that I haven’t followed any of this closely (nor do I care to), so I’m only going on the little I’ve seen and a couple of casual conversations I had.The main thing I’m getting is that people are pissed at her for allowing, or at least not speaking out against, Johnny Depp appearing in the latest movie. I can see why, for some, that would be hard to take. (And let me make really clear right now, since I know if I don’t I’ll be accused of it; I don’t care about him. I don’t care if I ever see another movie he performs in or not.) JD was accused and went on trial. The details I saw felt.....off. Mainly the fact that she claimed to have concrete evidence, then failed to give it even though she had plenty of support and was being given the chance. Instead, she took the money, which increases the feeling that something was wrong about all that, or else that she, the victim, considered that full recompense for herself. (And no, I personally don’t believe something like that can be bought off, but I’ve known several victims that were more than willing to to accept it as such, and that’s a personal decision each one has to make for themselves.)His wife retracted her accusation for money. Even though I’m sure some will argue the point, she didn’t have to. She could have kept going and made him bleed. In essence, she made a final legal statement absolving him of guilt. Whether that was true or not, that’s what she went with. Given the nature of the evidence and how things concluded, for a lot of people there’s too much nuance to render a verdict and be 100% sure of being right. One friend of mine was getting heated about it, and I made the comment, ‘I’m surprised he doesn’t just go ahead and blow his brains out; that’s all he’s good for now.’ Cue much spluttering about how horrible it is to wish suicide on someone, that while they’re alive they could change, or maybe they really didn’t do it, etc. Then I asked what was the point? ‘You say he shouldn’t have any type of career, he should be abandoned by friends and family, and universally loathed for the rest of his life. What’s the point of living with that?’ Naturally they got very defensive, and said that even if he wasn’t legally convicted, he could confess and make a public apology.And there’s the rub. That’s what people want. A big, sloppy, public apology for them to wallow in so they can feel either morally justified in denying, or benevolent for accepting. The court of law might be through with him, but the court of public opinion demand their bite, too. And it’s one that will never be satisfied on this point. Some seriously do believe he should die for it, whether he did it or not. Some say that if he makes a public and genuine apology and owns up to everything, they’ll never feel the same about him, but they can allow him to rebuild, so to speak. Some are confused why, in spite of his wife having similar claims leveled against her (which still obviously wouldn’t make anything that might have happened to her right), she’s allowed to continue on her way, as if her victim doesn’t matter. No one is going to agree to the same exact extent. If you honestly believe that watching a movie says ‘yes, I support his every action outside of a role’ (which, if you actually think about it, leaves you open up to condoning quite more than you realize since no media you consume is pure), then you shouldn’t watch it. If you’re not sure what to believe because you genuinely want the facts no matter what they are, but the whole thing is making you feel guilty or disgusted just looking at him? Give it a pass. Because whether it’s right or wrong, at this level you shouldn’t go against your own private moral compass.Do you feel that there’s insufficient evidence for you to feel comfortable making a judgment, and you don’t think that consuming a product immediately means that you condone every single action by every party involved? Watch the movie. Do you think that her acceptance of money and the public statement she made, in tandem with her dropping the suit, means that in HER eyes that the outcome was legally acceptable, and that the public’s opinion is less than hers? Watch it, if you want.Do you think that what actually happened doesn’t matter, or think that even if he is guilty, you don’t care? Then you are a miserable shitstain on the panties of Mother Earth, and any argument I make won’t sway you out of the choice that brings you gratification. (All of) that being said, JKR has apparently decided that A) He’s been legally cleared, B) There’s not enough evidence for her to make a call, C) For all we know, she’s spoken to the actual parties involved and has enough insight into the matter to go ahead. That’s her choice. And aaaaaaallllll of the different people I’ve mentioned are trying to demand that she share their view and act as they would. She doesn’t owe anyone that. No celebrity does. The fact that we WANT one to pass judgement as if their word is some type of Divine law is kind of......creepy. Seriously. We want someone to make a judgement so we can judge both in turn. We’ll let ourselves be swayed by what one person—a person not even involved mind you—decides about someone else. And we’ll either follow along and pat ourselves on the back that we’re Socially Conscious and a part of the Morally Elite, or if what they say doesn’t line up with what we wanted them to say, we turn on them and get the same satisfaction for burning a wit—calling them out. Personally, I’ve never cared for JKR outside of what she wrote in 7 books. I’ve ignored her opinions and views on the world not because I disagree with them, but because I don’t believe that someone’s voice should have more weight just because of fame. If she did it because she cared more about money than the abuse, that’s disgusting and indefensible. But if she has weighed the evidence and doesn’t feel that it is strong enough to give her the right to judge, or that since his wife has taken the settlement and made a statement that she felt she has been given her due, that’s her choice. If she’s privy to information that the public doesn’t have access to, it’s also her choice. One she’s allowed to make, just like the rest of us, and it’s pointless and ridiculous for people take a nuanced situation and say, ‘If she’s not out for his blood, she’s an apologist!’AGAIN, I’ve been asked for my personal opinion, which I can only give on the information I have. Ultimately only the two people directly involved know what went on. Based on what is known, I’m not going to bay for his blood or plead his case as a misunderstood and wronged angel. Nor am I going to say whether JKR was right in making supportive statements (ignoring the outcry of whether or not she should have refused to have him, since I’m not sure of her contractual rights in that regard) because she is ALSO having to judge a situation that’s had enough inconsistencies to make certainty murky at best. It really depends on why she came to that decision. And as much as I know everyone wants a step by step guide to her thought process so they know whether or not to like her is okay anymore, it’s unlikely to happen. In summation:Domestic abuse: Bad. Wrong. Never justified. (I’m not counting striking out in defense of self or others, obviously.)Excusing or ignoring the above. Bad. Wrong. Being confused about conflicting evidence and being afraid to make an inaccurate judgement call without firsthand evidence: Perfectly natural, as long as it’s motivated by a desire for true justice and not just wanting to admit someone you may have admired has done a bad thing.Choosing how you, personally, react to someone who has been convicted or casually accused, and how much of their content you consume: Depending on motivation can be right or wrong, but it is your choice.Forcing someone to comply to your choice and accusing them of supporting abuse if their opinions don’t line up exactly. No. Wrong. Welcome to New Wave Puritanism.Wanting someone (whether celeb, politician, or blogger) to be the Priest/Priestess of High Morals to sway people to follow their judgements on others without giving your own thought and research: A Fucking Extremely Unwise Choice.(Sorry this is long and rambly, but I’m on mobile and half sick. If I wasn’t clear about something I’ll try to fix it later.)

[crossedbeams]

Mass

MSR || On-The-Run || Angst || Easter Ficlet because I was having feelings

Mulder doesn’t stir when he feels her slip out of the motel bed, her footsteps Scully-soft to the the grimy little bathroom and the door eased shut. He’s not sure if she wants him to be awake, they haven’t said much since she turned hard off the freeway at 3am, and rolled to a stop in the parking lot. Something in her eyes told him not to ask, not to question why they were choosing to ignore their “no big cities rule” for Pittsburgh, of all places, and so he’d got the bags while she got the key, the grimy sun setting heavily behind her bleached out hair on the washed out walkway.

Afternoon sunshine stares through the blinds but he’s still lying still, trying to breathe sleepily when Scully emerges on a wave of her still familiar shower soap, and pauses at the foot of the bed. Mulder can feel her thinking, and holds his breath through her indecision, relief spreading from his lungs to his heart as Scully’s small hand wraps around his ankle.

‘Mulder?’ His morning breaks on her first word and he smiles at the thought though she is serious, stood in a worn but respectable floral dress she’d picked up last week in Goodwill, his only suit hanging from one finger. ‘Mulder, will you-’

‘Yes.’ He tells her. No questions, he would do anything for her. 

Scully watches him dress with a distant look in her eye, the still unfamiliar blonde of her hair a veil over one eye, and for a second he imagines marrying her, throwing aside fake names and false security for one moment of unity in the eyes of her God. But he was too selfish, choosing to have this runaway love in dark corners and forgotten towns, for as long as they can stay ahead of danger instead of that one true moment. He wonders if Scully shares that regret.

He looks for it in her eyes when she steps close to straighten his tie, but finds a peace there he had thought lost forever, just barely glossing over the tears he pretends not to hear her crying in the shower, but there nonetheless. She takes his hand and walks them into the late Friday sunshine.

The cab drops them two blocks from their destination, caution is always a factor, even though the weighty shadow of St Patrick’s Cathedral presses down on them and the throngs of other people tumbling into it’s gravity. Church on a Friday? Mulder thinks, and then it hits him. 

Good Friday. Light Easter suits all tumbling into a sacred place to remember a death. Scully seems to feel his comprehension and squeezes his hand, the incline of her head offering him an escape, but Mulder knows she wouldn’t have asked him to come if she hadn’t needed him here. 

He can’t remember the last time he was in a church, let alone one this full of people, and his momentary panic at being in a crowd is dulled by the echoing majesty of the space, the smallness of their predicament in this vaulted melting pot of people. Scully’s hand is sure in his, her movements purposeful as she finds space on a pew tucked behind a pillar, near to a fire exit, careful even in this small recklessness. The wood is hard against the back of his knees, the grey stone cold around him but the people, so many people, ebb and flow in muted colours and it has been so long since they were part of a crowd, so long since it has been more than just them against the world that Mulder doesn’t even notice the hush as the service starts, doesn’t notice anything until Scully letting go of his hand and sinking to her knees to clasp hers in prayer.

Mulder watches her lips form the Latin words of whatever the priest is saying, the woman he loves folded in the trappings of her faith, one of hundreds tasting those same words, feeling... whatever succour the faithful find in this moment. He’s briefly and intensely jealous; of God, of the church, of everybody who can understand this part of Scully that he has never been able to fathom. And then the music starts and his momentary pettiness dissolves into an entirely unexpected swirl of strings, accusatory horns and all chased down with the resonant growl of the organ. Beside him Scully sits back, a small smile of recognition on her lips but her head stays bowed, her hands held tightly enough that it’s as if she believes she is holding together the notes of every cadence.

Scully listens, lit from above by the evening light that filters weakly through the blue glass of the Virgin Mary’s robe, the shine on her cheek at the end of the Kyrie maybe a tear, or maybe an illusion, but either way she is beautiful. Mulder watches her listen, learns her from this devotional angle as the chorus soar around the arches of the cathedral and tumble back to the earth in crumbling chords. If only he could touch her without breaking the moment, Mulder thinks he could stay here for ever, suspended in this holy half-reality. These are Scully’s people, this is a safe space for her, and somehow the music has made him part of it, catching in his blood and imploring him to confess all those things he is trying not to feel; anger sparks on a diminished seventh and is soothed by the forgiveness of a perfect cadence. If they stay here long enough maybe the music could fix everything.

But the second the Agnus Dei ends, Scully is pulling him away, not even pausing for the blessing, her purpose fulfilled and her urgency ruffling the edge of the congregation until the heavy door swings closed behind them. Long paving slabs mark off the distance they are already putting between themselves and whatever just happened. 

Mulder still hasn’t asked why, hasn’t questioned any of it, knowing Scully will explain when, or if, she is ready, knowing that pushing her will only poison the air between Pittsburgh and wherever they run to next. He only hopes he doesn’t have to wait long. Scully rewards him as he folds his suit back into the holdall, bent over the basin in her slip, scrubbing at some invisible stain off the hem of the dress.

‘They were playing Saint-Saëns’ Requiem.’ 

Mulder hums, as if he knows what that means and waits for more, keeping his eyes on the dress held critically to the light instead of the half bare body behind it, whatever Scully is about to tell him, he wants to know more than he wants to feel her, though god does he want to feel-

‘Many consider Saint-Saëns to be a second rate composer. And he wasn’t a Catholic, so there’s a lot of questions as to whether he should even have written the Requiem. But he did, and he wrote it to be the approximate length that an actual mass would take, so it could be used instead of just performed. He wrote his own piece, but fit it to the Catholic church, he found a balance between respect and individuality. He wanted it to be used for worship... but people don’t use it very often.’

‘Because it’s no good? Or because he wasn’t a Catholic?’ Mulder asks, ‘Because I liked it a lot.’

And clearly for once he has said the right thing.

‘I love it.’ Scully says, with that defiant vigour he first fell in love with. ‘I’m not a very good Catholic, or a scholar of classical music but I find energy in his arrangement, it’s tormented and ecstatic all at once, there’s just some sort of conflict that makes me feel...’

‘Human?’ Mulder offers. 

And she smiles the smile with all the teeth, the one that folds her face differently, as though she doesn’t carry more tragedy than any woman should, but it dissolves too fast for him to capture.

‘Exactly. I saw the sign on the freeway and I had to stop. I had to go. I don’t miss the church... not really. Not most days. But it’s Easter, and I’d go with my mom... or it would have been... William... his first one you know... I didn’t know how to explain that. I just needed to go. I just needed to feel human.’

Mulder can’t remember the last time Scully mentioned William by name. He can’t remember the last time she admitted having human weaknesses. The lump in his throat thickens as he watches her breathe past the tears, scrunching the unfortunate dress in her hands before tossing it in the trashcan.

‘Thank you for taking me with you.’ 

He means it. 

‘You know we can go any time. If you wan’t to? If you need to confess or... I don’t know how it works Scully, but if you need to go, we can find ways.’

Scully crosses to him, and takes his hand, her posture once again that of prayer, though now they are in it together and her words are directed at the floor because they are too heavy to utter stood upright.

‘The problem is Mulder, I don’t know how it works right now. I... I want to believe, to find that peace I remember but... it’s not working for me right now. And you can’t confess things you plan to do again for forgiveness.’

He lifts her chin, offering her his forgiveness because it is all he has. Offering her a way out if she wants it. 

‘Would you? Do it all again’ he asks, the soft words on his lips the closest thing to a prayer he’s uttered in the past year.

And Scully gives him one more miracle.

‘All of it. Every case. Every kiss.’ Her hand lays over his heart, absolving him of some of his guilt. ‘Everything except giving him up. If I’d known...’ and she runs out of bravery. Runs out of words but it’s enough for one evening.

They stay like that a long time, Scully’s forehead pressed to his chest, Mulder’s arms her only sanctuary and the silence of their sorrow their Easter Mass. 

They never return to Pittsburgh.

[shirlleycoyle]

There Is No Sustainable Way to Fly

Last month, just weeks after climate activist Greta Thunberg was named Time’s Person of the Year, JetBlue announced that it would go carbon neutral on all its domestic flights by the end of the summer, becoming the first major airline in the world to make such a commitment. News coverage of the announcement highlighted the airline’s intention to “use an alternative fuel source for flights leaving from San Francisco” along with “direct flight paths, new planes and other technologies.”

In other words, the company was hoping to innovate its way out of the aviation industry’s massive impact on the environment.

But a closer look revealed that there was no magic bullet behind this seemingly bold initiative. The fine print of JetBlue’s press release reveals that the airline doesn’t plan to reach this ambitious goal by decreasing the amount of carbon its planes spew into the air, but by making up for that carbon somewhere else. The airline will reach net zero emissions by funding “offsets,” or projects such as wind turbines and tree plantings that decrease global emissions overall.

Fly a plane here, plant a tree there—that’s the plan, for the most part.

JetBlue isn’t alone in offering such carbon offsets as an antidote to customer anxieties about air travel, and neither is it the only airline seeking to develop green aviation technology such as biofuels and electric jet engines; just last week the British aviation industry announced a similar plan to achieve net zero emissions by 2050. These policies promise to help the aviation industry go green without having to cancel a single flight, but the solutions they offer are too little and too late. The only sustainable way to fly, it turns out, is to fly less.

“The problem we face with air travel is that at present there aren’t good low-carbon alternatives,” said Peter Miller, a regional director at the National Resources Defense Council who focuses on clean energy advocacy. “There are a lot of technologies that are on the drawing board or just getting off the drawing board, but they’re not here yet, so the question is what we should do in the interim.”

On a global scale, cars are a far larger contributor to climate change than planes: air travel still only accounts for around 10 percent of global emissions from transportation, compared to 60 percent from automobiles. As a result, the gradual increase in electric vehicle ownership and gasoline fuel economy could help put a big dent in carbon emissions over the next few decades.

But our climate challenge isn’t as simple as carbon quantity: these statistics disguise the uniquely devastating short-term impact that air travel has on the atmosphere. Jet engines emit not only carbon dioxide but also sulphates, nitrous gases, and icy vapor streams called contrails, all of which trap heat in the atmosphere. Furthermore, they emit these greenhouse gases directly into the atmosphere at high altitudes, which research suggests could contribute to a disproportionate amount of short-term warming.

Recent climate forecasts say we must cut greenhouse gas emissions in half over the next ten years in order to stave off global catastrophe, but the aviation industry has thus far been moving in the opposite direction. One recent estimate found that emissions from air travel had risen more than 1.5 times faster than previously predicted, and the fuel inefficiency of American carriers was partially to blame. Worse still, the number of annual airline passengers is currently projected to double by 2037, which means that any path toward a livable future will have to involve finding a sustainable way to fly. But the solutions that major airlines like JetBlue have embraced thus far are nowhere near guaranteed to counteract the damage that commercial aviation is doing to the planet.

Take offsetts, for instance. Even before JetBlue pledged to go carbon-neutral by funding such carbon-reducing projects, airlines including United and Delta already gave customers the option to purchase offset credits for their flight, paying a little extra to assuage their flying guilt.

These measures might sound like climate-forward action on the airlines’ part, but in many places such offsets will soon become far more common. Next year will begin the first phase of the United Nation’s aviation emissions plan, CORSIA, which requires airlines in signatory countries to commit to keeping their emissions at 2020 levels by purchasing offsets or using sustainable fuels. The plan will remain voluntary until 2027.

But Jessica Green, a professor at the University of Toronto who studies climate governance, said there’s no way to know for sure how much an offset is actually helping stop climate change, especially when an airline like JetBlue doesn’t reveal what kind of offsets it buys.

“Offsets vary a lot in quality,” Green said, “and a lot of times they’re purchased through aggregators of credits, which makes it harder to know where the project actually came from or what it’s actually doing. When you click the button it’s like, ‘oh, this is two tons of carbon,’ and you have no idea whether it was a wind farm in Malawi or methane capture in Brazil.”

A recent ProPublica investigation into reforestation projects in South America, for instance, found that the projects were completed behind schedule and delivered far less than their expected carbon benefit.

“It’s not de facto problematic, but given that we know there’s a lot of iffy projects out there, the less transparency we have about where these offsets come from, the less of a service it does,” Green said. “It also creates this mentality that you can just click a button and then you’ve been absolved of your sins.”

Sustainable fuels like the ones JetBlue will use in San Francisco are a similarly insufficient solution. The airline plans to adopt Neste biofuels, made from recycled organic material, which emit up to 80 percent less carbon than traditional fuel. Multiple European airlines including Germany’s Lufthansa have already tested these fuels on short-haul flights over the past few years, and major carriers like United are also planning to buy millions of barrels of waste-produced biofuel, and the U.S. Department of Energy is funding experiments in producing cheap fuel from fats and greases. But Miller says the infrastructure to make these fuels affordable on a large scale does not exist yet, and could take decades to develop.

“The U.S. airline industry is taking clear actions to grow more sustainable while also continuing to serve the needs of our customers,” said Carter Yang, spokesperson for Airlines for America, the lobbying group representing the country’s biggest airlines. “We’re continuously investing in more fuel-efficient planes, developing sustainable aviation fuel and implementing more efficient procedures in the air and on the ground,” Yang added, would help U.S. airlines meet CORSIA’s targets.

It’s equally unclear how much electric airplanes could do to mitigate the adverse impact of the aviation industry. Right now, the most advanced electric batteries from companies like Rolls Royce, Pipistrel, and startup ZER0 (dubbed the “Tesla of the skies”) can’t power flights of longer than a few hundred miles, and it’s unlikely that they ever will—an average jet engine is more than fifty times as powerful as the best lithium-ion battery, and the battery is much more expensive.

If the cost of such batteries ever comes down, electric planes might be able to replace many short-term flights. Norway, for instance, has pledged to take all its domestic flights electric by 2040. But passengers might traverse such short distances just as easily on transportation methods like trains and buses, which are cheaper, better-tested, and also environmentally friendly. There’s also the matter of where the electricity for these batteries comes from: if you juice them with electricity that comes from burning coal, you aren’t helping.

The best way to reduce air travel emissions in the immediate future, then, might be for people to simply fly less. Achieving that on a large scale might sound impossible—we can’t just demand that millions of people cancel their vacations—but it looks a bit easier once you realize that airline passengers are a far smaller group than car owners or users of electricity. Despite the rapid recent expansion of the aviation industry in China and Southeast Asia, some estimates suggest that more than 80 percent of the world’s population has never boarded a plane. Furthermore, a small group of frequent fliers generates a disproportionate share of emissions: the 12 percent of Americans who took six or more flights in 2017 were responsible for at least two-thirds of air travel emissions in that year, probably even more.

“JetBlue’s commitment to reduce their emissions is valuable,” Miller said, “and we have to support the decisions of companies to do more than they’re required to do. But it’s not a substitute for societal action, or national action, or international action to achieve emissions reductions.” Motherboard reached out to JetBlue and the other airlines mentioned in this story, but they did not respond to requests for comment.

In the absence of revolutionary technology that will drastically reduce the environmental impact of commercial flights, the best way for policymakers to make flying sustainable may be to discourage this frequent flying, especially when the trips are for business meetings and academic conferences that might just as easily be accomplished with a Skype call. Green said governments could accomplish this by subsidizing train travel instead of new airports, or by instituting what she calls a “runway tax”—charging consumers or airlines themselves an extra few hundred dollars to take off or land at an airport. Such taxes are always easier for corporations to absorb than individual consumers, but as Thunberg herself has pointed out, the international community has all but refused to touch the aviation industry—the Paris climate agreement, for instance, featured not a single binding resolution regarding air travel.

In the absence of any such regulation, Green said, the major airlines are still seeking to position themselves as climate-conscious, but on their terms.

“I think the airline industry, especially with this normative shift about flight-shaming, sees the writing on the wall,” she said. “I think they view initiatives like this as kind of a preemptive way to buy themselves some more time.”

There Is No Sustainable Way to Fly syndicated from https://triviaqaweb.wordpress.com/feed/