#yo s6 is killingggggg meeeee

[le-amewzing]

Better

Season 6 is killing me, but I felt there was some closure missing in the wake of recent events…so here's a little epilogue of sorts for s6e7. ;w;

Fic: "Better" [FFN] [AO3]

Pairings/Characters: Loretta Wade & Donald "Ducky" Mallard, with a cameo from Officer Roy

Rating: K

Words: ~1,960

Additional info: friendship, angst (more like hurt/comfort), 3rd person POV

Summary: "Better." At least she could tell Dwayne something different instead of saying she was "fine." -—Or, a timely visit from a friend lessens the weight of Loretta's heart in the face of loss.

      It was Sunday again.

      Loretta pursed her lips as the joviality of the service calmed to a tepid ease while the rest of the congregation filed outside, emptying the church. Yes, she loved the service, and she hadn't missed a single one since Christopher's death, but…

      …but the weeks were going by, and they weren't getting any easier. With each service, her smile would vanish a little bit faster, her happiness at being surrounded by such love and kindness replaced so quickly by starkness of the facts of reality.

      Even now, Loretta attempted to admonish herself. Had she become a pessimist? Maybe it wasn't only Christopher's death. Maybe it was more than the close call Sebastian and Hannah had had and Tammy and Patton had almost incurred in the city gas lines case.

      Perhaps, as Sebastian had reminded her, it was just their job and everything that came with it.

      With that dismal thought in her head, Loretta checked the time. It was half past brunch, and she could do with some company. Of course she wished she could find that company at home, but, with C.J. following Danny's footsteps and becoming more interested in military school and the career that would follow, she didn't feel like going home to an empty house.

      The short drive from the church to the NCIS office put her thoughts on pause for a brief moment. The parking spaces usually occupied by the others were empty, but she didn't quash her hopes entirely that one of her friends might be around, so she pulled in, cut the engine, and headed for the main entrance.

      "'Morning, Dr. Wade," Officer Roy said with a tip of his head and a warm smile.

      Loretta returned the guard's kindness. "Good morning, Roy." She gestured inside with her pocketbook arm. "Anyone home today? I didn't call ahead."

      He halfheartedly shook his head. "Patton's holed up in his den, tracing something. The rest were called out. Attempted robbery by a petty officer, I think I overheard Gregorio say. No clue when they'll be back, ma'am."

      "Oh." Despite her good posture, Loretta sensed more than felt her shoulders sag in the slightest. "Well, then, I think I shall make myself scarce. Knowing this team, a robbery out there will have them in and out of the office regardless, and I don't want to be underfoot while they're going full steam ahead. See you 'round, Roy."

      "Yes, ma'am," he replied, though Loretta thought she caught Roy furrowing his dark brow in concern as she turned away.

      Only a few yards away from the entrance, Loretta nearly crashed into another passerby on the sidewalk. But before she could utter an apology—

      "Dr. Wade! How fortunate to run into you as the first face I see on my visit to New Orleans." There was no mistaking that brogue as "New Orleans" came out of his mouth with its unusual pronunciation.

      Loretta beamed upon seeing her fellow medical examiner. "Dr. Mallard." She shook his hand and continued, "It's good to see you, Ducky. To what does the bayou owe the pleasure?"

      Ducky grinned and motioned to the headquarters behind her. "I'll be speaking at a forensics panel for a university event starting tomorrow, as part and parcel of yet another leg on my seemingly unending book tour. Since I was in your neighborhood, I thought I'd drop by. Unless the team's busy?"

      She nodded. "I just got turned away myself."

      "Duty never ceases to call," he remarked. His glasses slid down his nose as he raised his eyebrows at the brick building. "A shame, though. I was rather looking forward to seeing that beautiful inner courtyard."

      Loretta made up her mind then. "No reason you can't," she told him. She turned and gestured for him to follow. "I've been told Patton's in, but he probably can't be disturbed. No matter, though; I know my way around the kitchen, so I can whip up a pot of tea."

      "That'd be delightful. Now I'm glad I stopped for a bag of these."

      Loretta noticed for the first time that Ducky had a paper bag cradled in the crook of his left elbow. "Are those—"

      "Beignets, of course."

      Loretta's grin broke into an open-mouthed smile as she laughed. "You know us well, Ducky."

      Roy nodded to them as they headed inside, his interest snatched by the paper bag of goodies as the coroners went to the kitchen. Contrasting that, Patton could be heard rolling in his base of operations, clacking away at the keyboard and occasionally smacking an old monitor.

      "Your timing couldn't have been better," Loretta said to Ducky after she put her purse down and grabbed the kettle.

      "I should hope so, seeing as you're dressed in your Sunday best, my dear."

      "No, no, I—well, yes, I came from church." She waved her frustration away and filled the kettle with water. "I meant overall. Recently."

      As sharp as ever, Ducky caught on. "Oh," he said into the relative quiet. The syllable was a heavy one. "Special Agent LaSalle, of course. My apologies, Loretta."

      She stared at him once the teapot was on the burner. "You and I both know there's not a piece of NCIS news that makes it past you."

      He smiled again, but it was sad and sheepish. "Just something buried for the moment. I am happy to see you well. And my condolences, nevertheless, for your loss."

      Loretta pursed her lips and rolled her tongue around in her mouth, trying to find the right words. But Ducky's short strings of his own had derailed her. Not only had she heard several of them too often as of late, but—

      They just weren't the right ones.

      Loss.

      Condolences.

      Well.

      Even echoing in her head, that one in particular grated on her nerves.

      "…thank you," she said eventually.

      Sensing her darkened mood, he kept quiet and made for the inner courtyard, choosing to wait for her and the tea there instead.

      And, for that, Loretta was grateful. Sebastian was like a son and Dwayne was her oldest friend—but such assurances about the situation even from them had made her irate, as well. Loretta had begun to doubt that anyone would have the right words for her, whether they sympathized or empathized. That compassion made it feel as if Christopher's death were a bloody mark that would never scab over.

      Waiting for the tea allowed her to stew a bit. By the time the kettle whistled, she'd forced her annoyances down and could generate her usual smile. Good. Ducky deserved that, after all. He hadn't done anything wrong, and he was visiting, and he'd brought beignets.

      "Tea is served," she announced. She set the tray with their saucers, cups, the kettle, and the pastries down on the table and motioned for him to sit when Ducky stood to help her. "You're my guest, Ducky, so sit back down." She raised her eyebrows and gave him the same stare that always made Danny and C.J. get right on their chores.

      Ducky dutifully ducked his head and did as told. "Thank you, Loretta."

      Loretta sat and doled everything out, pouring his tea and then hers. In the ensuing silence, she broke off a corner of her first beignet. She realized Ducky had given her the floor. Still, she hadn't the words, so she mindlessly broke the corner into bits and ate the crumbs, one by one.

      He took the hint. "I sense I was mistaken in my assessment."

      "'Assessment'?" she echoed.

      "Not profiling you, my dear, I assure. Just a word choice symptomatic of our chosen profession." Regardless, he studied her, both her face and her crumbling. "I've no doubt you've spoken about Agent LaSalle's death?"

      She nodded at his prompt. "Yes, of course. We all had to be cleared to work again. And, with no one on leave, we've had each other to lean on and discuss Christopher."

      "And you've leaned?"

      Loretta smirked. "Perhaps to the breaking point," she replied, thinking of her snappish attitude towards Sebastian and Dwayne. "Despite being surrounded by death, it hasn't been easy, Ducky."

      "Nor should it be," he affirmed. He sipped his tea and ate a little, all the while thinking. "But…to my knowledge, this is your first agent loss."

      "We lose people all the time. Civilian and officer alike."

      "Not the collective 'you,' Loretta," Ducky corrected. "You, Loretta. You ended up having a friend on your autopsy table. It's not something one merely pushes aside."

      Loretta paused. It was the cold, hard truth, and she'd thought about it often since Christopher had passed. But thinking about something, no matter how often, did not mean it penetrated. Even now, the words, Ducky's words, floated around in her mind. The words, their definitions, the letters, the meaning—

      Until, finally, something clicked. Something else.

      "…at what point do you get used to it?" she asked tentatively.

      Ducky gave her a wistful smile and seemed to sag in the chair opposite her across this tiny café table in the courtyard. "There is no getting used to it. Each friend on your table takes a bit of you with them. And, yet, something else is left behind. Perhaps a part of themselves…"

      Loretta stopped fussing with the crumbs and tilted her head off to the right slightly, trying to catch her colleague's eye.

      "I've seen many on my autopsy table—now Dr. Palmer's, of course," he stressed. "But victims, agents, friends…in the span of about a decade, I worked on over half a dozen friends alone."

      "Ducky—" Any platitudes died in her throat as her stomach sank like a cold brick.

      "In the early days of Gibbs' team, when it consisted primarily of Gibbs and Tony and they took help more readily from other agents in the office, Special Agent Christopher Pacci was murdered in the pursuit of closing a cold case." He shuddered as he recalled the body. Then Ducky's voice grew softer. "As Gibbs' team was first forming, properly, we had an agent from the Secret Service join us. Caitlin Todd." Ducky paused again and unwrapped and wrapped his fingers around his cup. "…later, well after Ziva David had settled in as part of his team and we became accustomed to new leadership, it was the director before Director Vance, Jenny Shepard." Here he paused to "hmm" in the back of his throat. "Interestingly, the person from whom Jenny sought help, Gibbs' mentor, was the next one. Mike Franks."

      Loretta remembered Director Shepard's death, the fire that had engulfed her home. But she kept her remarks to herself.

      "Then there was Mrs. Vance. Special Agent Ned Dorneget. Diane." Ducky shook his head.

      "Ducky," she tried again. But when his name didn't turn into a full sentence, she reached out for his hand.

      He patted hers in gratitude. "They say if you ever get used to it, move on to another line of work. But, as I insisted, there is no 'getting used to it.' It doesn't get any easier, my friend. But you—with each and every day, week, month, year, you will feel better. Even if it doesn't seem like it, it will happen. One day will be better than the previous, and so on and so forth." He looked askance at her when she softly snorted.

      But…perhaps Ducky was on to something. It was a lie to say every time that she was "fine," "okay," or "all right." That was just never the truth.

      But "better" seemed…good. Or good enough.

      Loretta didn't want Ducky's grim history. She didn't even want a repeat of Christopher.

      But "better" was a goal to work towards, and Loretta Wade was a hard worker.

      She owed Christopher, and herself, that much.

Soft and, perhaps, anticlimactic, but necessary. I felt that ep7 left Loretta still far too angry; granted, for the viewers it's only 1 episode after Chris' death, but in the canon of the episode several weeks have passed. Had they made it a more Loretta-centric episode, I would hope they'd include a chat like this between her and Ducky (Palmer, tho I love him, wouldn't carry the same weight bc Loretta and Ducky are closer in age and therefore have a longer history of autopsy in common). Tbh I wish we'd have more notions in canon of the charries in diff offices being in touch aside from when they share cases, but, alas, the limits of primetime. Also, I loved that, in my 1st NOLA fic, I got to include not only some of my fav main charries (Loretta ofc and Ducky), but a fav minor—Roy the guard! XD I love him stationed outside, keeping an eye on things; he's so kind, and it'd be cool if we saw more of him, *lol*. Lastly, in editing this before posting, I can say that s6e8's Loretta storyline did appease me a bit, *lol*. But also I kept thinking about Pacci's death, and it didn't seem right not to include him in Ducky's list, so I fixed that. :')Thanks for reading, and feel free to leave an anon/unsigned review via the FFN link or comment via the AO3 link at the top of the post, especially if you enjoyed this!

~mew

2022 note: I wanted to revisit this as I'm slowly delving more into writing for NOLA, and it always bugged me that I had a large error here, *lol*, so I fixed it! X'D I also added a few words for clarity and checked a few pieces of punctuation to polish this piece. (How's that for alliteration? ;3) Ahhh, NOLA might be over, but it lives on in my mind and heart…! I srsly need to write more for it. ;w;