#yknow ive been wondering whats fucked in my brain to make me just randomly get depressed and wanna die suddenly
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bro I fucking hate my gut reaction to be sad and miss the people who hurt me. like, yeah, they were my best friend for years, but not only did they do the exact thing my previous best friend did to me knowing how much that hurt me and fucked me up, but very little of it was actually healthy or even like. nice. it sucked. the last entire fucking year of our “friendship” I was literally in a constant state of anxiety and panic because of their shitty behavior and their girlfriend’s shitty behavior that they fucking enabled. I don’t miss them!!!!! I literally don’t!!! the week after I cut them off I FINALLY relaxed!!!! it was like my entire body had finally uncurled from a fist!!!!! I was no longer suicidal, I was no longer crying every other day, and I finally felt SAFE and secure IN MY OWN APARTMENT. before, I was constantly on edge, paranoid, and ACTIVELY suicidal. I was in a constant state of freeze and fawn as a fear response. I’m not FIXED, by any means, I’m still struggling with shit, but it’s been literal YEARS since I’ve been this peaceful. holy fuck.
#i can recognize that my bpd was making my situation much worse but i was CONSTANTLY being open and communicating to them#and never fucking once did i get that same respect in return#i was treated like a literal fucking chauffer and the only time they fucking spoke to me was to either gush about their gf#who was actively being a huge fucking asshole to me#or bitch about their mommy and daddy and oh how hard it is to have health issues they were actively ignoring#when. lol. at the time they were covered medically by both parents and i had not had health insurance in like? two ish years? lol.#there were so many other fucking things but like that was the biggest thing that stuck with me aside from the emotional manipulation L M A O#and their fucking gf CONSTANTLY comparing me to her abusive father???? out of nowhere???? would just randomly fucking#literally compare me to him when i would say i liked a thing or even if she just observekd something about me like what the actual fuck???#literally on 5 seperate occasions she did this#girl you would throw a fucking fit if i had done anything even vaguely resembling that to you why the fuck did you feel the need to do that#dont project your fucking daddy issues onto me especially when you're literally two fucking years older than me get a fucking grip#anyway i think sometimes my brain is missing the FP version my bpd created of them in my head#because i miss aspects of them that RARELY if ever toward the end occured. like yknow. giving a shit about me. being there for me#or yknow not literally emotionally manipulating me for your own benefit/amusement lol#i sometimes wonder if theyll ever recognize thats exactly what they were doing whether they want to admit it to themself or not but like.#i dont care??? i realized it. so i dont really give a fuck if they ever do because?? what does that do for me?? lol??#but ive also realized that even if they hadnt been toxic as hell to me that it wouldve ended anyway because both of them despite being older#refused to grow the fuck up and mature or even like. learn. lol. they were so content to just stay the same meanwhile#i had actual responsibilities so i didnt really get the luxury of continuing to pretend to be a child lol#they just liked the attention and the benefits they got from me being an actual adult. they could use me to continue being children#theres not even anything wrong with not wanting to grow up like. if i didnt literally have to i probably wouldnt have either but.#idk you dont have to literally take advantage of the people in your life who HAVE to mature so that you can keep being a kid#sometimes. coping mechanisms. are bad.#anyway rant over dont mind me i had coffee with an expresso shot and havent slept after my 12hr shift#so that's partially what's fueling this post ngl#still all entirely true though dont misunderstand me on that one#mud rambles#for blacklisting purposes ->#rant
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#diary#personal#suicidal ideation#suicide#self harm#i woke up wanting to die today. idk why. some days you just wake up and are like ‘haha i hate this’#im used to it by now. and its fine. it doesnt rly affect me. but its tiring bc all i wanna do is curl up in bed. im exhausted#i wonder if i did too much again...#but the only time i feel alive is sorta when i do stuff#i. i dont want to exist tho. i wanna curlup in bed and stay there.#i also have been wanting to hurt myself a lot.#like. usually i dont wanna bother or even think about it. but this last week or so its been on my mind a lot. i just want to hit myself#or something idk. i just. really hate myself right now#disordered eating#i also want to stop eating. i want to lose weight so desprately. but i also dont want to go too far. i dont want to lose myself#so im trying not to do that. but it doesnt help bc my stomach is being a little bitch and i cant read when im hungry or full#im exhausted and i wanna die. honeslty ‘i wanna die’ is more of like. a phrase. idk. it just is a mood and an emotion. ive never been -#- able to control what i want that much. like. its just how i feel. even if i dont want to#its just how i think and i cant change that.#yknow ive been wondering whats fucked in my brain to make me just randomly get depressed and wanna die suddenly#i wonder why. i wonder indeed. maybe i should look up disorders for fun again#im so lonely.
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