#yk i dont think ive ever done one of these but might as well you know. im bored in class

[anglerflsh]

tagged by @marcusagrippa for a getting to know one better tag game hii I am putting a cut here because it is a longer post bevause i am unable to be concise :') hello

last song: "Bloody! Bloody!" by Judith & TheHutFriends for I am normallll

favourite colour: Ivory and Brass in equal measure. Also partial to Prussian Blue, though my personal color pallete leans more on beige and brown.

last book: last I finished was and essay on Il Romanzo di Formazione by Moretti but the one I am reading now is Machiavelli's Discourses on the First Decade of Tito Livio. tehee. I'm also reading Dracula still (on pause) aaand a book about the history of contemporary Italy but that one sucks kinda

last movie: I so genuinely do not remember I don't watch movies all that often I will admit. I should watch Megalopolis for the fun of it

last tv show: Arcane... I'm rewatching it from the beginning which I never usually do for shows I like. Insane behaviour. I don't even think its storytelling is fantastic and yet here I am

sweet/spicy/savoury: Spicyy I will put chili in my yogurt and honey I think every other flavour can and will be enhanced by a little spice

relationship status: boyfriended. thumbs up

last thing i googled: the map for a library in this town so I can pick a good seat to study in

current obsession: Institutions in History. My right hand arm man my silly rabbits. My hamsters who keep on finding new fucked up ways to die. I hate it here

looking forward to: hangout study time over the weekend as of right now. Study time in general even though I'm very aware I will hate every second of it heart emoji

tagging: everyone who wants to I am chronically unable to tag people. sad! consider the mutuals I am in the notes of constantly tagged

[my-castles-crumbling]

im really sorry to dump this here but im actually so upset and i need to get this out and i have noone else to say it to

(just a note though that religion and homophobia is discussed so its okay if you dont want to talk about this)

i just found out my best friend (like, sirius and james kind of friend) is massively homophobic. weve been friends for years snd years now and he knows im a lesbian and he never said anything outwardly bad about it before now, but last night he had a few drinks in him and started talking about how he doesnt support the lgbt+ community and firmly believes anyone in it is going to hell, and that he hopes one day we'll 'see the light'

he then went on to say that hes not going to actively hate on queer people because what we do doesnt affect him or his life, and as far as ive seen thats completely true, hes never done or said anything hateful towards the community besides what he'd just said about going to hell etc.

i really dont know how im supposed to feel about all this. i felt like crying last night when he was talking because this is like, my platonic soulmate yk? and hes not actively or directly saying/doing anything against the community, but it also feels like what he said was hateful and all, but again hes never discouraged my own sexuality (in fact, hes actively encouraged and supported me when ive tried to date girls) so i almost feel id be wrong to be angry about what hes now said after hes still supported me anyway, even though he feels so strongly that its wrong

i just feel so lost and i really dont know what im supposed to do or feel about it

(sorry again to dump this on you aha)

Hi!!! <3

Ugh, this is so hard. Friends are so important, especially friends like you described. But a friend that doesn't support your identity? Honestly for me, this would be a BIG red flag. Because..idk I'm not a super trusting person to begin with, and to hear that would break my trust.

To me, at this point in history, if you're not actively being an ally for someone, then you might as well be fucking them over. I mean, does this person vote for policies that could hurt the lgbtqia+ community, and you by extension? Does he associate with people who are actively doing things to harm that community or other marginalized identities?

It seems like an excuse. "Oh, I don't shout my hatred from the rooftops, so it's okay." No. No, it's not.

And, to add to that, how will it feel now, to talk to him once you begin dating someone? Will it feel fake, even if he supports you? What about, down the road, if you ever get married? Will he want to be in your wedding? Will he refuse to go?

I guess, to me, this is a huge problem. But I'm also different than you. It may be, to you, he means enough to you that it's worth looking past. But I don't think I could do that.

The reality is, this sucks either way. And you have every right to feel upset and hurt. But I guess now you have to decide how you want to be upset and hurt by this.

I am so, so sorry that you're going through this.

<3

[ven7s]

nah cuz i just finished weak hero class 1 and that shit was so fucking good 😭😭. so many emotions and just wow the acting was phenomenal and the way the whole series was filmed and the ost was all just so perfect and contributed sm to how the drama turned out. and even though a lot of things were lowk diff from the webtoon it still stuck with the mainplot which i thought was weird at first but after finishing it props to the director and writer bc it turned out so well. specifically bc i felt more emotionally invested in beom seok then with bryce in the webtoon (more on this l8r)

and also im p much caught up on the webtoon but this drama still had me at the edge like 😧 i knew what was going to happen but i was still nervous asf and it was so thrilling

WEAK HERO CLASS 1 SPOILERS UNDER CUT !!!!

like i knew that beom seok wld eventually betray them but i still lowk got attached bc of how it was just so nice to see them all together laughing and having fun. and i knew the slight red flags like when beom seok checked his instagram and soo hos instagram to see if he followed back but it was just so... 🙁🙁 nice to see them together it made me so happy😭

but yeah the mix of emotions i had for beom seok.. like i hate him. hes a coward and he did irredeamable things but at the same time i feel for him. no child should go thru that type of abuse and neglect from anyone. especially from people who are there to nurture and love...

i think yk that and him being bullied in his previous school contributed A LOT as to why he turned out the way he is. ofc its not an excuse, its never an excuse but i think its def an explanation.

but i really got so angry when specifically he hired the guy to beat up soo ho for the like the 3rd time and after the boxing scene when he went up and started kicking soo ho on the head and stomach repeatedly. and also when he started to cry after realizing that soo ho wasnt breathing and how he was in a coma like mfw...😭?? not to mention the way he continued to blame young yi for the friendship falling apart.. like bro...you did that to yourself ☠️

but the thing is i dont think ill ever be able to fully hate him ??? ITS SUCH A WEIRD AND COMPLEX FEELING. like i genuinely believe that if he grew up in a loving and stable home he wldve never turned out like that. he wldve been such a sweet person😭😭. and ik that not all abuse victims turn out to be terrible people like him but idk i feel like he rlly wldve been so much better if he grew up with parents who genuinely wanted him and not just as a public stunt. even if he got therapy i think he wldve improved lowk.

but like man when episode 8 started off with all of them in the classroom on cleaning duty, just laughing and being friends that fr broke me 😕 + that whole scene when si eun was gettting revenge but couldnt hit beom seok and left the classroom and when people tried to stop him he like ounched the window next to him and started screaming LIKE MANN THAT HIT SO HARD😭😭😭 cuz hes supposed to be the smart composed person but when he started yelling it just hurt so bad 🫠

and man when i saw the eunjang sign,, the way i legit screamed ☠️☠️ IM SO EXCITED 😭

ALSO,, even though i havent watched a lot of dramas this year i think this drama is definitely one of the best, at least, its my personal favorite. and i might be biased bc ive been reading weak hero since i was in middle skl and it has a special place in my heart but idc its literally so well done😭😭 anyways my god this got way too long LMFAO and to anyone whos still reading this thanks for listening to my ramble and look at these photos from the actors instagrams 😭😭

TLDR: weak hero manhwa > weak hero kdrama but the kdrama was still pretty good wish they stuck more to the og manhwa but it turned out good so im not thaaat mad about it and im actually very psyched for s2 to come out and tbh just grateful we got a kdrama😭 +++ the OST is absolutely wonderful😞

[shoezuki]

cracks knuckles. i promised to elaborate and i will.

the one common perspective that everyone seems to be able to agree on is that techno / sbi + schlatt + tubbo + ranboo are just genuinely funnier than the dteam, and honestly yes it's because if the popularity. if you go back and watch the dteams older (im talking before 2-3mil subs) videos they are funnier than their current ones and i think it's because they're trying to shift their humor to a broader audience?

the minecraft community has always been mainly queer/poc/ndv kids because it was exiled away from "acceptable society" for so long that only the people who had already been "exiled" continued to enjoy it. I, as an example, stopped playing when it became a cringy thing because I was so worried about being seen as weird. now that ive discovered, come to terms with, and enjoy my queerness, i realize that if i had known i was queer back when mc was exiled i wouldve continued to play because i alrwady would have known what it was like to be part of that seperate society. (Please keep reading i promise I have a point)

but then minecraft came back. minecraft became mainstream again, and it came back HARD. watching it go from something that you would be bullied immensely for to something that you would be bullied for not doing was an extreme experience. in all honesty im still angry about it, but that's another topic. when minecraft became mainstream it brought with it all of the people that hadn't been part of the exiled societies yk? including... the dream team.

dream blew up. we all know how much he blew up. i personally dont believe he cheated on the speedrun but to each their own (although after reading your stuff and becoming more critical of them im realizing i might need to reexamine that), and the speedrun controversy brought even more people to his base (cough drama loving straight white girls cough).

when they were brought into the fanbase that's when it started to go downhill. they shifted their humor to fit that, or maybe their humor was always that and they just got more confident in showing it after they had gotten a fan base to back them up. which is also why techno / sbi + schlatt + tubbo + ranboo (who ill refer to just as techno&co now because he's the main one but also that's long as hell lmao) are funnier than them!

for one, their fanbases are smaller. now 5 mil is by no means a small number, but compared to dream's 16 mil? yknow. especially with techno's wack upload schedule he's never had to worry about having a stan fan base because the only people who stay are people who genuinely enjoy his content the way it is.

two, techno&co are mostly ndv. techno has adhd, tubbo has dyslexia, wilbur had and maybe still has depression, ranboo has anxiety, tommy hasnt confirmed or denied his adhd but im betting he at least has borderline. i am in no ways saying that being part of one minority (in this case ndv) gives you free range over another (queer), but all minorities have this understanding about what it is to be part of an exiled community (if that makes sense).

philza and schlatt, not so sure if they're ndv, but they're also older and generally more mature and esp in philza's case, theyve had their chance to make their bad jokes and pull stupid shit and theyve grown out of it (if they ever had that phase at all). techno&co have that understanding and even if they dont know where the boundaries are they know that queer humor (and all humor! other than techno, sbi doesnt really make gay jokes) going to have boundaries, and they respect that.

three, techno is the funniest bitch because he has adhd. i dont take criticism on this point because im right.

i probably missed a lot, probably got some stuff wrong, but all in all i think i hit my mark. i can come off anon to chat anytime if youd vibe w that. no pressure to respond to this! have a good day, etc etc, it was fun getting to tear into the dteam in a safe space. respect for them and their fanbases, their humor is a little off but i still gotta respect how well theyve done. btw i woke up and rolled over and started typing I haven't proofed this at all so yeah. :) - andy

And your brain is fucking massive yo like u must got chronic back pain too from holdin up all these Thoughts in ur head

I really like. Minecraft fans is So varied cuz like u said it was so very 'cringe' before. I got into mc again n playin it w my siblings years before it Popped Off again entirely cuz i stopped Giving a Shit that it was 'weird' or any a that. N sbi have been goin strong through it So Long both when it was hotshit and when it was "cringe"

N definitely like minecraft ive always noticed has a Massive ndv community. I dont know entirely what it is like definitely part of the 'cringe' factor like u said and also cubes make our brains go brrrr? The aspect of self expression in it? I dont know but we Been Here

I do think dteam's content and shit like. It obviously moved in sync with perceptions of mc to garner a Big General audience. Dream blowing up entirely had to do w the Trends and how mc got popular. Therefore hes audience is Huge and Varied

In contrast w techno n like. He has blown up quite a bit too. But i feel its fair to say he Hasnt altered his content significantly. Or at least like. How its presented, what he does, etc. For fucks sake he doesnt have a stream schedule. And although his content is Still garnering a Large and really varied audience it feels more like. Isolated and homogeneous almost

Like. I can go into the technocord right now and say 'dont forget to take your meds' and at least 20 or so ppl would be all like Oh Fuck Whoops. Theres SO many of us adhd ppl in there. I always goof bout techno jus sayin pspspsps and the neurodivergents crawling up from the floorboards but honest to god. His content and jokes and i suppose Personality jus appeals to us So Much. Same goes for sbi pretty heavily honestly altho i feel its most evident in techno's most Dedicated fans

Also. Lbr. The people who stay through technos schedules and content Droughts are the ones who be hyperfixating Abskfvdkdsjsjsl

BUT going into sbi as a Group like. They are friends. And together they are fucking hilarious. N i feel it strongly like. The fact theyre all such Varied people of different ages and such helps w that shit. It Works So Well.

Long story short being neurodivergent makes you funny as hell letsgo

[smol-grey-tea]

I was gonna write the romo attraction thing today but honestly i dont feel like doing it bc im just rlly upset about smth that im sure a lot of ppl can relate to

So my irl friend groups are very... well they dont know much about these kinds of things, i had to be a walking encyclopaedia for them about my identities like nb stuff bc they didn't bother to just... look it up.

When i told them i was trans they would say "omg are you actually trans?? I have a trans best friend!!" Yikes

Instead they would ask me to explain it. Which is fine, i kinda hate having to explain for the 5th time that no, using the correct terms and pronouns is not a fucking burden, and that yes, dysphoria is awful and wont just magically go away.

and when i tell them to yk, not use pronouns for me and just use my name instead, not 1 person did that. They just... misgendered me and used she/her when i explicitly told them that it makes me dysphoric. I then told them to use coo/coos/cooself instead bc i quite like it, but they still didnt use it.

Then i gave up and told them to use they/them since it doesnt make me dysphoric even tho i lowkey hate it. They still misgender me but said "they'll try to get used to it". Its not that hard guys what the actual fuck???

Anyway, i was actually going to talk about aspec stuff. So i only told one of them that i was demiromantic demisexual, and they said "wtf is that" which yk is not a nice way to react to someone coming out, but i have thick skin so i just explained it bc again they couldnt bother to search it, and they said "ok ig" and changed the subject when i wanted to explain my attraction???? I've never had anyone that i could talk to about my complicated feelings with being aspec and just when i thought i could i was shut down.

I thought it was over and done with, until they started to... ignore my fucking identity??? Which i would say is way more important and personal to me than my bisexuality??? They never did any of that bs with my bisexuality probably bc they were pansexual themself, but jfc is it that hard to not make jokes about me being horny or having a crush or joking about setting me up on blind dates??? It legit made me so uncomfortable and i have no idea what to say.

Bc remember, they didnt exactly respect my pronouns and kept using gendered terms to refer to me even more after i came out??? I swear it feels like its on purpose every time they called me a girl but whatever

Istg they forgot that im demi bc they keep making these jokes and ignoring that i dont feel sexual or romantic attraction like that and keep acting as if i want to date ppl or fuck them when i say they look pretty??? I spent way too fucking long mistaking my aesthetic attraction for sexual for ppl to once again reinforce this idea and im done with it. Please for the love of god stop it.

I said i liked wilbur and thought he was rlly cute and they then proceeded to, you guessed it, act like im in love with him or that i want to fuck him. First of all, hes a real person on the internet that i do not know, 2nd of all, fucking eww, and 3rd of all, hes a whole ass adult and we r both in high school. Yikes again.

Ofc i didnt tell them these things and just said that i dont like him that way and just thought he was pretty and nothing else. They completely ignored this and thought i was just embarrassed or smth or that i was in denial. Yikes again again.

So yeah. The only lesson i learned is to never come out as aspec to anyone irl ever again. Tbh i kinda want to tell them that im not bi and that i dont feel any kind of attraction. It would be a lie but christ i wish they would stop. They can validate my bisexuality but not my nb or aspec identities? I knew that queer sexualities were more normalized now which is awesome but why cant they do that for trans ppl or aspecs? Why does it have to stop there?

Sorry for venting like this but i thought this might be relatable for yall. Ive never had the experience of feeling "broken" bc of any of my identities, im very confident in them. I just wish other ppl other than my online friends would feel the same.

Also sorry for delaying the romo attraction thingy i just rlly dont feel like it rn. Idk when i will write it but hopefully if i feel better i will finish it today

There's no pressure to write it up dude it's cool :) whenever you're ready ❤

And those ppl do not sound like good friends- idk exactly how old you are but ik I'm older, and I can tell you for certain that you will find better friends one day. It's guaranteed :) they don't deserve your friendship and I am glad to validate and help you in any way you need ❤❤

Yee I've never felt broken either! I think an element of that is that I thought I was allo for a very long time? But on the other hand I was bullied in my childhood for not having attraction so idk why that hasn't manifested into a phobia of romance but eh I'm better off this way whether it makes sense or not.

It makes me happy as well cuz a lot of ppl in the community seem very pessimistic abt how we're treated but it's nice to know that not all of us feel broken cuz the 2 of us are living examples of that :)

But unfortunately yeah, your experiences above are things many ppl can relate to. I'm sure almost everyone can remember a time where they came out to someone and weren't met with good responses,,

Let this be a reminder that this is not right and we deserve more support for something so personal. Even if you don't understand someone's identity that doesn't give you the right to dismiss or ignore them. Our identities are very important and personal to us and supporting them is basic respect.

[tbscods]

for the 'tell me/ask me' post

like, I've liked this girl since fifth grade. I didn't know I was into her until like some time ago because. Well. I never knew girls could be into girls. But I knew I wanted to sit next to her and hold her hand and help her with homework. I chalked it up to wanting to be her best friend, and, well, this year I actually managed to befriend her properly.

But then I learnt that she's got HUGE self esteem issues. And being the asshole I am, I just got irritated and didn't try to help her through it or anything. I was like, she's had that other friend FOREVER. why is SHE insecure? I mean IVE never had a long term friend, I should be the one constantly seeking reassurance, right?

And then I finally snapped, because I was having a really bad depressed day and I yelled at her and at my other friend (who is HER friend) and I kinda... broke things off. My reasoning was that I'm the one who's in depression and I apparently don't have any real friends, so why should SHE be constantly worrying if I'd leave her or not?

Well, long story short, I kinda lost both of them. Her and her longtime bff who was also my friend. And a couple of days later I called her for homework and I like apologized and stuff because I really missed her and she, being the totally kind and loving person she is, FORGAVE me for all the hateful things I said and I haven't stopped feeling horrible about it ever since.

The thing is, she told me that her father told her that she'd have to have done something wrong. That me breaking things off with her in our friendship was HER fault. Her FATHER said that. And she told me he kept blaming her, and that her mother keeps constantly comparing her to me (we're both like the smart kids but I get better marks sometimes) and i was, like, damn. What kind of parents do that to their kid? Like, this explains her issues, yk?

And so now I just feel worse. I wanna help her but I don't know how to. All i do is to keep telling her that she's worth it, that I love her (pLaToNiCaLlY, not that I need to specify it. I've been kinda flirting with her for ages, but I dont think that SHE knows that girls can be into girls), that she doesn't need to keep doubting herself. And I feel like an ass. It doesn't help that her very controlling best friend (long story) who used to be my friend keeps rubbing how close she is to my crush in my face. I constantly feel like a third wheel even though my crush tries to make me feel involved. I feel like jacob in the edward-bella-jacob love triangle haha, and I kinda hate myself for it.

Aaaand that's all about my crush.

that was... quite the story.

im not gonna lie to you, you sound like a really bad friend. or at least, you used to be, because idk what it's like now or who you even are so i can't judge that.

just because you have it "worse" than her, doesn't mean she's not allowed to have her own insecurities/problems. this is not a "whos-more-mentally-ill-and-deserves-to-be-sad" competition. dismissing her feelings because you've had it "worse" was an incredibly shitty thing to do. i understand that you want friends and i believe you deserve them as much as anyone else, but in order for that to happen you have to be a good friend to others as well. you having insecurities/mental illness isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility to make sure you're not rude to other people because of it. everyone has their bad days, but it's not fair to take it out on other people that have done nothing wrong. ive been in a similar situation to hers and though it wasn't the same, it definitely wasn't fun either and it hurt me a lot.

that being said, it's good that u apologized and genuinely feel sorry. regret is the first step to self-improvement. be a good & loving friend from now on and understand that you've hurt her and it might be okay, but that still really depends on her and how she's feeling.

i don't know if you wanted advice or just a place to rant but i hope this was at least helpful or insightful?

[figuringouthowtobehere]

please dont reblog this

i dont have many ppl to talk to. so here i am, screaming into the void that is my tumblr again.

im mostly posting this because im alone. im really really fucking alone. and im hoping i might, idfk, make a solid, trustable connection from tumblr??? idfk. im alone in the world.

please dont reblog this

cw family issues, su*cidality, abandonment, abuse, childhood abuse, trauma, being alone in the world

i have no one to go to. my entire life since i was a baby all ive ever been able to do is survive at the skin of my teeth. and here i am, 20, breathing, trying so fucking hard to live and, idk if im succeeding. im doing my film shit which is cool but. im alone. im on my own. im alone in the world. i never had parents. like, obviously i had parents, but they were never parents, dyou know what i mean? like the people who genetically made me were around but they were abusing me or just being awful or refusing to listen to me about what i needed from them, from their parenthood. 

i had a conversation with my mom yesterday (after two days of not being able to get a hold of her and really really needing to) and i was basically just like ‘why cant you be my mom’ and she was like ‘i am your mom’ and i was like ‘well, yeah, but youre not--you cant--you dont mother me. and you dont mother me in the ways i need you to.’ and she was like ‘what does that look like to you?’ and i said ‘someone who i can turn to, always, someone who has my back no matter what, someone who respects me and what i need and who listens to me and trusts my experience and, yeah, someone who i can turn to always’ and she said ‘i mean i can talk with you on the phone, i can tell you what i think you should do, i can try to give you advice from my experience, but as far as someone having your back 24/7 always, i cant do that’ and we ended up talking about how im an adult now - and she was talking about it in the sense of ‘youre a grown man now, you dont need your mom like that anymore’ - and im like ‘ya, i am basically a grown man but i still need my mom. i still need parents.’ and i think im gonna end up cutting contact with her again because its too hard to simultaneously grieve her not being the mom i need and also talk to her. if im not talking to her then i can deal with the idea that i dont have a mother, that i dont have parents and i probably never will.

ive never really had people. i never really had friends when i was a child and i dont really have friends now. maybe its cause im trans, maybe its cause im autistic, maybe its cause im mixed, i dont know, but generally people in the world dont like me or it takes them a long time to not hate me. it doesnt matter why right now the point is i never had people (like, a support system) and i dont now. 

so yeah im pretty seriously thinking about killing myself (or, trying to anyway). i dont wanna die but ive spent my whole life trying to just. be a person. and find contentment. and everything in my life ends up going awful or causing me a lot of trouble at some point or another. ive come to expect it. whenever anything happens in my life im just like ‘when will this go wrong. how long will it take this time.’ and im alone. im just fucking on my own. and i know theres lots of people who are and have been more alone than i am/have been and i admire these people so fucking much like GO YOU!! YOUFUCKING DID IT!!! HELL YEAH! im so proud of u. for real, i have so much respect for all yall reading this who have made it through shit and made it through being alone in the world. you fucking got this. youre doing it. good fucking job!!!!! ✨ but then. idk ig it doesnt take away from this being incredibly fucking difficult for me. pretty much everything in my life was fucked from birth to age 18 and now over half of everything in my life is fucked. which is better, for sure, but its still. ive never had a chance. idk it just seems to me like it doesnt matter. i can try and try and do all the therapies and take all the psych meds a psychiatrist might give me and i can meditate all the time. it just seems like im Doomed. (WOW i sound dumb and childish) like ik logically this is probably incorrect, that im not actually just.. doomed but thats how it feels. whenever a good thing happens im just waiting for it to collapse on me. and usually it does in way or another. generally not because of anything ive done or havent done, it just ends up being shit.

and then. ive never had anyone. i dont have anyone. im alone in the world. like its not that im ignoring people i do have or choosing to omit them from my mind right now. i have a singular friend in the place where i live; my other two friends both live in the states. i live with someone who was a support for me until like last ... july or so, i think, who now makes me feel like shit (they arent being malicious its just a bunch of issues in our relationship. theres more on that in stuff ive posted before, if you feel like digging through my posts for a while go ahead and youll find more on that) and i have like 5% (out of 100%) trust for them. i have a therapist who i see once a week and ik shes invested in me, but thats her job. and i cant just call her whenever i want. i have several people for film stuff but theyre either just casual pals and then colleagues or just colleagues. i know a lot of people, who dont really show any investment in me as a person or their relationship with me and who i dont really click well with. and thats it. 

and im so. im so in love with Film. all of it. (not The Film Industry obviously.) im so fucking in love with it. the only real concrete reason that i wont end up killing myself in the next like month or two is because Film. and i just. need. people. i need parents. or something. fuck.

i think part of this is probably the long-term ramifications of ongoing childhood sexual, physical, and psychological abuse and never really having good, consistent support cause id be surprised if that didnt fuck with my brain (and, yk, untreated severe childhood brain damage from tbis beginning at less than a year old). but it doesnt really matter does it. ive been through the shit time and again and its not like anyone has appeared and been like ‘hello, i see you never had parents, this is who i am, would you like to get to know each other for a while and maybe i could be your mom?’ cause thats literally what i need. i need parents. like i know theres a thing of ‘if you didnt have parents then you cant undo that damage’ but like idk. if someone has a bunch of unhealed broken bones that got broken years ago that are now causing them a lot of pain you wouldnt just be like ‘sorry, i see youre in trouble from this shit, but because it happened years ago theres nothing we can do’ cause there is??? i forget how i was gonna say this before but like. i didnt have parents. with the ‘parents’ i had its a scientific anomaly i lived past age three. i refuse to believe that having Good Parents and a Good Support System now would do nothing for me. cause it would. 

im also facing impending homelessness due to a) welfare/disability programs not giving you enough to live off and b) not having a roommate/not having support systems/not having people. so that doesnt help.

i dont know how to do this. im on my own. im doing all i can. ive reached out to everyone i feel like i could reach out to and. im on my own.

help. i guess. idk what that means but im, once again, at an incredibly fucking AWFUL point in my life and i need help. i doubt anyone will be able to but. if youre able to then. idk. do something. ik that i sound desperate and pitiful and i literally dont care at all because i literally am desperate for support and i literally am at - ANOTHER - extremely low point in my life and its pitiful. im cringing at myself actually posting this because its like ‘you think youre actually find what you need via a tumblr post? where are you? cause thats not real life dude’ but i dont fucking have people to talk to (as you have already understood 🙃) and im tired and tired and tired and tired.

if you took the time to read this i thank you and i hope ur day is going vvv well

please dont reblog this!!

[sixcastappreciation]

sixcago gave me my gay rights

alternative title: review of the evening sixcago show on july third

this is like almost 4k and its mostly just rambling but i need to express how much i love sixcago

like at least half of this is just me being gay so i bolded some of the things that i found really interesting and isnt just me like, freaking out

so to start off: holy shit. the energy of the entire show was amazing, it was really funny and fun and the acting/dancing/singing was on point like i cant think of a single complaint on the part of any of them.

so to get into the actual show

ex wives

when the curtain came up and the smoke started pouring out i actually felt my soul leave my body it was such a good moment

less than thirty seconds in brittney mack made eye contact with me and i swear to god my heart stopped and i honestly had trouble focusing on the rest of the song

i am not exaggerating that is the whole truth and nothing but the truth

shes............. literally so good im still shaking as i write this like three hours later

the third repetition of the rhyme where they all sound kinda pissed off? they nailed that

adrianna was so cute when she said “you wont try that again”

andrea holy shit. thats really a wrap on that

abby got that like, kinda head in the clouds thing that i feel like is janes Brand during this part

when he saw my portrait he was like JaaAAaaa

i love brittney mack

courtney knew what she was doing with that prick line. get it girl

anna has the most angelic voice i swear to god

the six of them work really well together on stage???? like i know its all choreo and stuff but you could Feel the energy that they had together it was good

oh man the choreo for the end. im so gay

intro thingy:

adrianna with that riff!!!!! we stan

annas face after “herstory” was iconic. she knew what she had done wrong

you couldnt hear the intro for maggie bc people were cheering so loud

the way adrianna says maria made me gay

abby also knows what she had to say. she knows how cursed janes sense of humor is and she was really playing it up

protestent............ protestant

“we’ll tell you what you want what you really really want” this made me laugh so hard i dont rly remember the next like thirty seconds because i was dying

“the biggest.... the firmest......... the fullest..............” im. i cant

no way

“maria” AGAIN adrianna please. please i cant handle it

“OH muy bien aHHah” not to be Lesbian On Main but fuck this was so cute

her emotion during the monologue was SO funny

it was peak, it was so good

she really gets it. i dont totally know what it is but this aragon monologue gets it

when she said “really trying” she did like, a motion. i cant go into more detail but Fuck

so after “move me into a convent” everyone like, gathered around aragon and adrianna did a

well idk what youd call it but a like

her entire torso swung around in a huge circle right before “i dont think i’d look that good in a wimple”

and idk what it was but that part just made me Lose It

adrianna had this way of making it all a little funnier?

like catherine is usually pretty Serious, i think but it felt like adrianna knew she was playing a character who was Like That, if you will, and was kinda leaning into breaking the fourth wall a little

i can probably elaborate if that doesnt make sense

you say its a pity cos quoting leviticus ill end up kiddiless all my life

she said that with such conviction goddamn

oh, he doesnt remember

this was so good

the “sh-”s were really funny

the fucking. i dont know what it is but the *ting*

holy shit

i cant put into words

how much i loved that part

the pause after “i’ll go” was............ expansive

i just checked it was 10 whole seconds

that doesnt sound long but it felt like forever

she went high on “end of my life” and thank u for mine adrianna hicks

the amount of no’s was impressive and im heart eyes for it

adrianna just had really good stage presence

like i caught myself looking at her during the dance breaks of all the songs when i wasnt looking at brittney

it was just so fun to watch her go!

dluh

during the intro of like “yeah, you know, the really important one” andrea was doing some Dumb Shit in the background

like i dont know exactly what it was but she was just like

idk like noodling around in the back

and i caught her eye and she like, smiled a little

the gasps the rest of them did were....... cute

then andrea busted out a full on fucking witches cackle

then she stuck her tongue out and looked like she was taking a selfie and it was so cute

like, her tongue was OUT

“not my thing” had the BIGGEST uwu energy of anything ive ever heard

i thought people were kidding when they said andrea boleyn had uwu energy

they were not

pret a manger barely came across as a real line it was more like, an experience

the sorry not sorry choreo. its so funny and cute and simultaneously cursed

the way andrea delivered her lines here was just

it was like, cutesy and fun but also kind of cursed

uwu

when she said “are you blind” andrea like, gestured to herself, in a like “look how hot i am” kinda way

which might be the standard? either way it made me laugh a lot

don’t be bitter/cos im fitter was the only line in the entire production said with a british accent and it fucking slayed me on sight one hit ko

i actually like that they changed “mate, what was i meant to do” to “wait, what was i meant to do” because

it implies that anne had no other train of thought than the one she was on and thats very funny to me

i think it fits w andreas portrayal too

everyone was like, fake crying when anne fake walked down the aisle and it was really funny imo

and as soon as she got to the end anne like, turned, yk?

bro just shut up

the entire audience gasped after that

andrea had actual like, panic on her face

then she led into “i guess he just really liked my head”

and there was a beat after that, where everyone laughed

it was long enough that everyone got the joke

then she mimed the blow job

her riff on “hell”? iconic

“wait, didnt you actually die” no jane she was beheaded but she was fine

abby seymour said dumbass rights she has the Dumbest Bitch energy god

“catherine of aragon had tragically died” catch adrianna looking like, yeah it was so sad for me, how terrible, right?

then boleyn goes off

the. fury, passion, anger, zest, contained in andreas “MASSIVE-”

“over my dead body” andrea gave her this look like, youre damn right it will be

heart of stone

oof

okay so the monologue

oof

“i was lucky. okay, i was really lucky” o o f

“edwina” is still cursed tho

i dont know what it was about this. i dont know if it was abby, or the dialogue, or just it being live but

this made it clear that jane had been Through It

like, this monologue came across (to me at least) as unquestionably a “woman who was abused trying to justify it to herself” kind of situation

“and that’s not because i was scared,” she said, wearing an absolutely terrified expression

this is where she started tearing up i think

okay i gotta take a moment here because

abby was fully crying before the song even started

like somewhere about halfway through her monologue she started tearing up

i was looking for it specifically

i wrote this before the last part so see above

so by the first fucking like of hos you could hear her voice breaking

holy shit ms meuller what the fuck

im not kidding who gave her the right

at the stagedoor she said that after this she was like, “well thats it for my makeup” when someone complimented her song

she is crying. the first chorus and she is actively crying. in the breaks between her lyrics you can hear her crying

abby went high on a couple of notes in here

she riffed on “truthfully” and it was, wow

she didnt go for the whistle tones which was, honestly? the most relatable thing in this entire show

but a couple of the other notes she went high on and they were so killer

there was a second or two of pause after the end where everyone just, absorbed things before the applause

i have some questions for abby about this actually because i dont know if its just because the monologue was different than im used to but

i just want to know if abby meant to have everything come off like That but god

the mental gymnastics jane is doing here are so intense

this performance genuinely changed how i listen to hos forever

i dont think i can ever peacefully listen to this song again

this song gave me so many layered emotions thank u abby mueller

haus of holbein

hans................................. *holbein*

the chaos

i honestly barely remember most of it it was

i had no idea who to be looking at

but i remember it being beautiful

i dont have the words to express how

fucking funny it was

the accents were hilarious

like they werent great german accents, but that made it far better

they were leaning into the ridiculousness of it all

the way abby said “but we cannot guarantee that you’ll still walk at forty” had me on the ground

ive spent the last 24 hrs trying to figure out exactly why it was so funny and i think i got it

she dropped the german accent

and she straight up sounded like she was reading off the side effects of a pharmaceutical ad on tv

the freeze frame? legendary

anna and courtney (im pretty sure?) managed to look so genuinely offended that henry swiped left on them

your highness your highness your highness

god adrianna please

actually every h sound that came out of their mouths

but adrianna Got It

get down

oh god i gotta talk about “didnt live up to his expectations”

brittney like, half took off her jacket and gestured to her body and like, body rolled a bit and honestly? i was fucking dead

the sarcasm really jumped out here. brittney went off in the best way possible

she was fully fake sobbing right before “tragic”

fucking legend

brING me some pheasant!

the woof line is always a good moment but their facial expressions really made it work here

this song has the most outwardly complex choreo (ofc i cant speak to its actual difficulty) and every single one of them crushed it

brittney made eye contact w me again on “looking cute” and im deceased

oh god after “take my fur” she whispered “thank you. honestly” and gestured to herself again and like, i was dying

iirc brittney was like, skipping across the stage or something on “i look more rad” and snapped into position for “lutheranism”

we gotta take a moment to appreciate the operatic talent of that one “get down you dirty rascal” instead of the slo mo

like, ofc the slo mo is a good moment but

brittney went full opera and it was,

wow

shes got a voice on her holy shit

so much talent in such a tiny body

aCHYEAH

she picked the person sitting next to me to dance w her and

they did their cute little dance thing and then brittney gestured like, go sit down, and the person did, then stood back up and started dancing again

not like, in a bad way i dont think

it was super fuckin funny and after the song brittney was like “oh that was cute you think youre funny”

but i heard them talking at the stagedoor and like, brittney was chill it wasnt like a violation of anything

im not explaining it very well but it was really funny in person

everything about her on stage was just, so enrapturing

i dont have too many specific notes about this song because it would probably turn into just, me being gay, which is enough of this already

anyway! get down was good brittney mack is a stellar cleves

her fake crying is next level tho

the confrontation

boleyn, unprompted: i lost my head!

the beheaded cousins high fived after “nice neck” and like, stuck out their necks a bit it was so funny

seymours “i died”

we all know abby is gonna kill her line delivery

but GOD

and then after, she like, realized what she had said and struck a pose like, shit please still think im regal

the line itself was actually pretty, uhhhh, sad

theres something about boleyn roasting khoward in andreas voice

courtney with that “and your songs” had perfect timing

also “when will justice be SERVED” had such good punch to it

after she did that she like

rubbed her hand on janes face

and abby looked SO offended

theres something so, sincere about courtneys delivery of her roasts that i hadnt been getting and its SO much funnier to me

i forget exactly where but at some point boleyn aragon and howard were arguing

and in the background it really looked like seymour and cleves were having a normal conversation and i lost it like. they were just chattin

there were a couple moments of like, cleves and seymour interacting and it was interesting

aywd

courtney! mack! took! no! prisoners!

jesus christ

okay so i dont know if other howards do this or if it was just because i was seeing it live and up close and that made the difference but

for me the most compelling part of this howard was the fear

like yes there was the sadness/anger/etc like there was good emotion but

from the “he says we have a connection” re: henry, and then on, everything about courtneys body language just screamed that she was afraid

idk i might expand on this in a separate post because its a darker topic but yeah. holy shit that was emotional

not a single person clapped after the last line. they all waited until after “yeah, and then i was beheaded” before clapping

like the theater was dead silent. DEAD silent

it was like, so haunting because it was just courtney on stage at that point, with just the white spotlight on her, it was a Moment

im not sure i have the heart right now to get too deep into this

if it would be particularly interesting to anyone feel free to ask, im happy to get more into it but idk its just Emotional

actually this is already so long ima go for it

so on each “we have a connection” it was uhhhh parr and aragon (i think) who each put a hand on like, her clavicle

and for the first two verses she grabbed one of the hands and was like, flirty? ig

but on the one about henry seymour also put a hand around her waist and she like

she freaked out

and listening back to the audio i can

unpopular opinion perhaps but the actual emotion of her on stage didnt come thru in the audio

because it was so physical

like you could see how scared she was

which made it more relateable to me honestly

like she looked so so scared

it was heartbreaking

the confrontation part ii

oh BOOH OO MISTERESSES

“okay catherine, babes” is CUTE fight me

anna looked like, progressively more concerned as that beat went on, and then she just kinda like, deflated? it was really funny tbh

idk her parr feels Different than the parr im used to

during “oh im catherine parr i draw the line in arbitrary places” courtney was playing with her hair it was hashtag cute

BACKING VOCALS RIP CATHY PARR

idnyl

a cute little b flat major 7

yeah anna parr seems

hmm

she seems like she’s just, over henry

like from the start she just has no time for him

idk im Conceptualizing

anna uzele is

her voice is next level

she put survived in the “got married to the king became the one who survived” in air quotes which i think is an interesting note

anna got really physically into the “remember that...” bit of it and everyone in the back was also having a good time with it it was Good

andrea. she stuck her pointer finger between two of her other fingers on her other hand for the “my sixth finger” line and it was SO funny

khoward keeping aragon in line was

not the hot take i was expecting but nevertheless the one we deserved

both for “dissolution of the monasteries” and “well actually”

idk it was a cute character moment

one of *unsure, disgusted, vaguely annoyed* siiiIIIiix

abby was right in front of me and she looked SO uncomf

yeah, i read

iconique

andrea like, threw her head back for this line

the pause after “theres not much we can do about it now” is

painfully long and so so so funny

i was only really looking at brittney but she was like, arms down head up no body language it was SO funny

also her “yeah?” ended my life

she raised the mic up to her mouth while not moving an inch of the rest of her body

the part where they get all meta. has me dead

it was about halfway through this second part that i realized cleves had her coat back. i dont know when that happened. if anyone else knows when exactly anna of cleves gets her coat back after it gets taken off in get down please tell me. i genuinely want to know

this actually distracted me

i got vibes that they genuinely hated henry during this part

first off, mood

secondly, good

annas riffing. god.

she is so talented

dsfjksdf they all straight up left

six

the opening moment is really sweet and kinda funny

abby again killing it with janes cursed lines

courtney howard is actually so cute

when shes not being heartbreakingly sad that is

like her “bye!” was so cute

theyre all so supportive of each other its very cute

megasix

adrianna and abby both looked into my camera and like, i died

at the end anna and brittney were doing some dumb shit as they walked off stage and it was SO cute

after the show

i went to the stagedoor and it was a really fun experience! ive never done that before

it seemed like everyone was being pretty respectful and stuff, thank u six fans for being sane

i got four signatures on my program dklfjsldfjds

abby was such a sweetheart, we actually talked a tiny bit

i told her i loved her line delivery (because uhhhhhh i do) and she said that she tries to get in that comedic timing when she has Those Lines and like yeah

she was seriously the nicest

the ladies in waiting came out as well and everyone cheered for them and lets be real they DESERVE it

lemme sidebar here actually and talk about the ladies in waiting because

they killed it

bessie on the bass was living her best life at literally all times

brittney was also super sweet! i told her she had good energy (because uhhhhhh she does) and she was very nice about it!!!

i didnt really talk to anna or andrea but i got their signatures!

also speaking of my program im still losing my mind over “remembered for: headlessness” and “remembered for: staying alive”

thank u sixcago program

in conclusion! this was such a great+special experience!!! all of the actors were incredible, it was so wonderful

im also not claiming any of this stuff was unique to this performance or to sixcago in general this was just the stuff i noticed as i was watching it. if you clown on this post ill end u

[gomezisabellas]

omg tell me about it i was an english major... i didnt have enough brain cells to go into tech man i wish 😭

POTHEADSKSKEKEKEKE pls i love that sm. dude agreed theyre all on my faves playlist and i think my playlist specifically for mental breakdowns?? taylor might not be but she should be bc she has some good screaming songs

omg i LOVE FUNERAL and chinese satellite is another one of my faves!! im also v into chelsea by her it just makes me feel like im driving down an abandoned road ya know. excellent sour picks, brutal is one of my fave songs ever tbqh. enough for you makes me mad at an ex i dont even have and hope ur ok makes me wanna Cry i love that one. and def agree about the rereleases. i havent listened to some of the new songs yet and feel like im missing out,, the only one ive heard in full is i bet you think about me 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ ive just been too lazy to sit down and Listen ya know

the way i get almost all my music taste from tiktok nowadays SJSKEKKDKD almost all of my top 5 songs of the year are tiktok songs bc. ~mental illness~ yk

sorry i'm replying to this so late but fun fact i actually had the song an english teacher from bye bye birdie stuck in my head the other day. we'd have little apartment in queeeeeens. i wish i had enough brain cells for tech fr 😭 like if i were smart smart like that life would be so much easier

omg a mental breakdown playlist that's my...entire personality. i once had a playlist that was just 24 hours of funeral by phoebe titled "i am mentally unwell" because yeah! taylor does have some good screaming songs but also this is me trying is the ultimate mental illness track from her i think like blondie really said you're mentally ill how sad here's a song.

omg i like chelsea too!!! i honestly like every song she's ever done even the ones that aren't my faves are still like so good. she's just so talented. i could seriously listen to phoebe for HOURS on end and not get bored. brutal is like so much fun because it's all the anger and the sadness of being a young girl and like tbh i'm 25 and i still relate to it because i never grew up! just like taylor swift i never grew up it's getting so old!!!

omg you should at least listen to the all too well ten minute version and nothing new, those are my absolute FAVORITES of the red vault tracks. i also really like forever winter too. the rest of them are good but something about nothing new is just so...real. like there's this one line that phoebe bridgers sings (she lets a woman SING instead of doing backup vocals) that goes how long will it be cute all this crying in my room? and it's like DAMN TAYLOR??? did you have to hurt me like that.....

all my top songs were either taylor olivia or phoebe because i SUCK at expanding my music taste and i also suck at listening to music in general. like idk if this makes sense but i listen to music in my head more than i do spotify/apple music/etc. i feel like im the only person who does this but my brain is like a little soundtrack.

[kagayakimasu]

70 horrible questions

bb @duevangogh tagged me to answer these ♡

70 horrible questions…and I’m not sure if I want to answer them…

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? my dad is my world 

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? well i just replied to @duevangogh's post saying i love her haha

03: Do you regret anything? yes, i do

04: Are you insecure? ive gotten much better over the past few years, i think i can say im not

05: What is your relationship status? single af

06: How do you want to die? ive always thought dying in your sleep must be the best way ;;

07: What did you last eat? i had grilled salmon w a bunch of veggies at a restaurant before coming home 

08: Played any sports? i used to play volleyball!

09: Do you bite your nails? i used to but not anymore~

10: When was your last physical fight? i dont think ive ever been in one?

11: Do you like someone? yes *taemin voice* i like everyone!

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? girl i have no concept of time............

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? not actively but i mean... yeah.....

14: Do you miss someone? i miss a friend rn

15: Have any pets? i have a lil pupper 

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? i just woke up from a long ass nap so im destroyed

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? no lmao

18: Are you scared of spiders? yes very

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? i think i would, not necessarily to change anything too big but like to stop me from being mean to innocent bystanders yk i regret this a lot

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? ive never done that lmao

21: What are your plans for this weekend? ill probably play tetris............

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? i do! im not sure how many though

23: Do you have piercings? How many? i dont orz

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? math, english, portuguese (((until i got a certain teacher)))

25: Do you miss anyone from your past? i dont think i miss anyone but rather id like to have ended things on a better note with a couple of people

26: What are you craving right now? instant noodles tbh

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? yes ;;

28: Have you ever been cheated on? i dont think so

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? yes ;;

30: What’s irritating you right now? its incredibly hot and my fan is not helping enough but i dont want to put it on a higher speed and yk... acknowledge that its that hot

31: Does somebody love you? idk man im very small i make very little difference

32: What is your favourite color? shinee color ofc

33: Do you have trust issues? ive worked through mine for a while and i actually think im cool now 

34: Who/what was your last dream about? i have a lot of dreams so i forget them easily but one that was pretty memorable was about a teacher who passed away recently 

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? i mostly cry alone tbh, i think it was in front of a snake who asked me to show her the episode of bones where my son dies

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? nope, i resent everyone

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? neither lmao

38: Is this year the best year of your life? yes!!!! i know it will be!!!!!!

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? i havent really kissed anyone, just yk pecks? is that what you call? when i was 15

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? no omg

51: Favourite food? potatoes, any kind of potatoes

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? no

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? idk i was on my phone for a while.... i called jumin.........

54: Is cheating ever okay? no

55: Are you mean? i used to be much more, im working on it now

56: How many people have you fist fought? none.... oh once i slapped a guy on the face really hard but we were kids and i was like hey you wanna see a real slap and he said yes lmao

57: Do you believe in true love? i do~

58: Favourite weather? *jjong voice* i like winter

59: Do you like the snow? yes!

60: Do you wanna get married? i do~

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? i have nothing against it i think

62: What makes you happy? the shinees and also glitter

63: Would you change your name? i actually think i am going to change my name when i get to japan. not my first name though, its just that i have an uncle who told me he only registered his japanese names there so im thinking i might do the same just to make things easier since its more common to have only one last name there

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? im not a very kissy person yk 

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? bro.................................... 

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? i guess so, i dont actually act very different with like best friends and regular friends yk

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? my dog and a waiter this morning

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? the void(tm) (i mean i talked a lot of nonsense in my tags)

69: Do you believe in soulmates? i do~

70: Is there anyone you would die for? yes

ill tag @piinkachu @acelululala @kimjongloser @ninonisanoctopus @taerrorize @spacetaemin @kkochmeu and @5-25 just because im curious about your answers, but dont worry if you dont want to do it ♡