#yet immediately after i said prescription the person suddenly saw them on the counter and held them up | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

psychospeak-blog · 3 months

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maybe some blurb ideas for wgs. there are times when y/n asks tyler to have the conversations with his family (like when asking what jackie wants bentley to call her or when jackie finds out about the pregnancy), have you thought about writing the blurbs from tyler’s perspective?

It was going well.

Or so Tyler thought.

Y/N seemed different from the last time he saw her.: more even-keeled, more balanced. Less likely to burst into tears at any moment, overcome by emotion. Tyler had to assume it was due to her feeling better, her eyes brighter, her body more settled. But she looked more relaxed, and comfortable, like everything was starting to click into place.

When she asked if she looked pregnant, Tyler had to lie. However, he wasn't considering it a lie. Because he knew she was asking if he could see her growing belly if it was evident she was pregnant.

Which it wasn't.

So he wasn't counting it as a lie because she did look pregnant, at least to him, having that glow everyone always talked about pregnant women having.

But she seemed back to herself now too, easy and relaxed around him, not guarded like she had been at times throughout the process. Tyler was happy about, not just because it meant he had his friend back, but because he wouldn't have her being pregnant on his mind. Not that it would typically matter, but it would tonight, because they'd be spending time with his family, and he'd always had a terrible time keeping things from his mom, somehow she could always see right through him.

So he was certainly glad she seemed more like herself than the last time he'd seen her in person—just his friend who happened to be pregnant.

And it was fine, his mom greeting them like she always did. Other than the offering of wine, which he quickly brushed off, it was like nothing had changed.

Or at least that's what Tyler thought, until he found himself in the bathroom, holding back Y/N's hair as she got sick.

"Are you alright?" He asked with concern, because it had to be awful, feeling fine one moment and then, like the flick of a switch, suddenly awful. He'd seen it happen, too, and watched the look on her face change.

"Yes," she answered, sitting back and running her hand over her face. "Except for the fact that your mom's gonna think I throw up every time I come over to her house now."

Tyler laughed, because she already looked better, knowing that, luckily, they already had an easy way to explain this off: hormones. Because his mom, of course, would ask no extra questions if they explained it off as her period. So long as Tyler told her, of course. So he'd do that, explain that Y/N just needed to sit down for a short while so his mom didn't ask her any questions which they'd have to try and coordinate lying about. So he'd do that, right after he ran out to get Y/N her prescription medication, which would hopefully kick in by the time dinner was ready.

And then it would be going well, again.

But he wasn't quite prepared to open that bathroom door again and see Y/N deep in his mom's arms. And...was Y/B crying?

Tyler's heart caught in his throat, wondering if Y/N wasn't feeling well again, if something wasn't right if his mom had said something that had made her emotional. Because she couldn't have told her...

"What happened?" Tyler asked, and they both turned to look at him. And now he could see that they both were crying.

Shit.

"Nothing," his mom said, breaking into a smile. "Y/N was just telling me the wonderful news that she's expecting."

And now, Tyler felt his heart settle down. Because his mom had a bit of that glow about her, too.

He grinned, setting the items in his hands down on the counter.

"See?" Tyler said, his arms moving around them both, "Y/N was worried you'd be upset, but I told her you'd be happy. "

Right then, he felt both of them stiffen in his arms, immediately pulling away from him.

He saw his mom's face first, which looked alarmed yet tentative as if maybe she'd just misheard. But Y/N's face looked downright panicked.

"What? Why would I be upset, Tyler?" She spoke, cautiously, like she wasn't quite prepared to hear the answer. "Is it...is it yours?"

"Mom..." Tyler said, trying to catch her eye, almost pleading with her to slow down.

"I didn't even know you guys were together, I didn't think," she said, "I had no idea."

"We-re not," Tyler stumbled, his eyes darting over to Y/N's as he realized she had said the same thing, her eyes full of concern.

"But it's yours?" His mom asked him, her voice changed like she was realizing now.

"No," Y/N cut in, and then immediately rethought it, shaking her head, "Yes, no, yes, no."

Tyler looked at her, the opposing words falling out of her mouth, somehow both being true. And yet wrong at the same time.

"You don't know?" His mom asked Y/N now, rather than him, but he could hear her voice breaking and see Y/N's eyes welling with emotion.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, Tyler realizing she was probably referring to his mom finding out this way, regret lacing her voice.

"How-" his mom began, Tyler saw Y/N's eyes grow frantic, realizing she'd be lost in trying to answer any questions or explaining something so emotionally driven, not when his mom was about to launch into a series of questions that might have been relevant had they been teenagers.

But certainly not now.

"Mom, c'mon, Mom," Tyler said firmly, his hand going to her arm. He had a million thoughts running through his mind about how he'd explain this but, for now, all he knew was that he needed to get the two women separated, to keep them from saying too much.

Or maybe the problem was they were saying too little.

Thankfully, his mom came with him, and Tyler took a deep breath, remembering that he wasn't a teenager trying to justify something to his mom but an adult merely explaining something.

"Sit down," he said clearly, once he'd led her into the living room, gesturing towards the couch.

"What's going on, Tyler?" His mom asked.

"Sit down and I'll tell you," he said. For a moment, she looked like she was going to argue with him, but she relented and sat down. Tyler, on the other hand, sat down and then immediately stood back up. Sighing, he ran his hands over his face.

"It's not what you're thinking," he started, just to get that out of the way, his mom raising her eyebrows as if to suggest that maybe he didn't know what she was thinking. He took a deep breath, trying to go back to the beginning.

"Maybe you should sit down too," his mom said, and Tyler realized he was pacing. He sat down, leaning forward and tapping his hand against his thigh, needing the movement to think.

"So you know how Y/N had to have surgery? In the summer there?"

"Yeah..." his mom answered, trailing off, not seeing how this was connected.

"So the news she got from the doctor wasn't...uh..it wasn't great, I guess. I mean, she's fine, she'll be okay, but they told her she might not be able to have a baby, " Tyler swallowed, remembering the emotion associated with that news, "and she decided she wanted to have a baby. So she is."

Now his mom was frowning at him, shaking her head slowly. "I don't see what this has to do with you. Or why I'd be upset...I-"

"She was looking at, like, catalogs for a donation?" Tyler said, "And I said I would...if she needed - or wanted - me to, I would."

Now realization covered his mom's face. "So it's...yours? The baby's yours?"

And now he realized where Y/N was coming from. Because yes but no.

"Biologically, yes," Tyler answered. "But I don't...she's the mom, the parent."

He could see her trying to take it all in. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because it wasn't my news to tell, it's her health," Tyler said. Even he'd had a hard time getting her to tell him what was going on.

"But it's your baby."

Tyler shook his head. "Not legally."

"So were you just...not gonna tell me about this?"

"I was, I was," he assured her, "at Christmas. When I'm here for longer."

"But why didn't you tell me.. even before?"

"Before what?"

"Before she got pregnant, like.. that's a huge decision."

"Because it was my decision," Tyler said, "well, our decision, but my decision about...my part."

"But it's not just, " Jackie started, taking a deep breath, "it's a lot, having a child, Tyler. It changes everything."

"I'm not having the child," he restated.

"So, you just think, the baby's gonna get here and you're gonna have no connection to it?"

"Mom, it's Y/N. Any kid of hers I'm gonna love on," Tyler said, "Hell, you invited her to Thanksgiving. She's family."

"That's different."

Tyler took a deep breath, standing up and running his hands over his face. "Do you love Dad?"

"What?"

"Do you love Dad?" Tyler repeated, "And I don't mean are you in love with him, because obviously you're not together, but do you still love him?"

"I don't see what this has to do with-"

"Just answer the question," Tyler said, cutting her off.

His mom looked down, clutching her hands, as if it thought. "I mean, yeah, but-".

The room fell silent until Tyler spoke. "So you can see how there are so many different ways to have a family."

"I know, but, Tyler, I just..."

"No," Tyler said, sitting down on the couch so hard his body bounced, resting his forearms on his legs. "See? That's the thing I don't get. Like, this should be exciting. I, for one, think it's fucking brave what she's doing. Like, you seemed so happy when I walked in there until you found out I was involved."

"I just want to make sure you're okay," his mom said, "that you don't get hurt."

"I'm more than okay," Tyler stressed. "She's the one who's doing this. And she put so much thought into this, and talked to me about...everything."

"You should think about it too, Tyler."

"I'm fine," he said, stressing the word. "Like, that's the thing. I don't know if you've ever felt like this before but I didn't have to think about it. She told me to think about it, and I tried to, but I just.. knew? And maybe...I don't know, maybe it was meant to be like this."

Tyler looked at his mom, taking in his own words. She looked in shock, but the moment she opened up her mouth to speak, he put his hand up.

"I get that this is a shock, and I'm sorry that you found out like this. But this is happening. And I'm excited to get to watch my best friend become a mother. To be a part of it," Tyler said. "Now, we're gonna go and give you a minute. But, I hope that when we come back we can still have dinner. Because she's family."

Before his mom could answer, Tyler marched back upstairs. He took a deep breath, opening the bathroom door. Y/N looked at him and she looked weary, like she'd been having an internal conflict the entire time he was down there.

"Come with me," he said, hoping that all he knew about women was true: that they could be a little crazy sometimes but, with time, they would calm down.

"We're leaving?" she asked, the panic evident in his voice.

"No, we're just going for a walk," he said, reaching for her hand. "C'mon, get your shoes on."

Tyler watched her as she walked down the stairs, moving like she was trying not to make a sound, frowning. He knew she was pregnant, of course, but it wasn't like she was that pregnant, to the point where walking down the stairs would be a laborious activity. But, all of a sudden, she seemed a bit more fragile.

He kept glancing at her out of the corner of his eye as he pulled his shoes on, while she sat down.

"Here," Tyler said, kneeling when he saw she was struggling, pulling her foot into his lap, deftly doing up the laces. Once he was finished, he put her foot down, extending a hand to help her up. He hooked his thumb over hers, easing her out of the house.

"What did you say to her?" she asked, once they were a bit down the street, and Tyler exhaled, unsure if he wanted to rehash all of that.

"I just told her the truth," he said simply.

"The truth?" She repeated like there was some kind of ambiguity about what the truth was.

"Yeah," he said. "Everything that happened. Why you wanted this? Why I'm doing this? How we did this."

Tyler had thought he'd given her a decent summary of what he said, but she was still quiet. Yet, her hand was still easy against his, so she wasn't mad.

"Well, I didn't tell her we had sex," he said with a laugh, in case that was what she was worried about. Although, he thought it would be rather obvious that he hadn't told his mother about that. Hell, he hadn't told anyone about that. "But I told her we went to the clinic and did a sperm donation."

He expected her to laugh or blush because they hadn't talked about that since it happened, falling back into their friendship, but instead, she asked "Did you tell her we signed papers?"

"Uhh.." Tyler said, trying to recount what he'd divulged. "Vaguely. Why?"

He smiled at the Fitzgeralds, the older couple who lived on the corner who always took a post-dinner walk, which was typically at the time he'd be coming home from dry land training, grabbing something to eat before heading to the rink. They gave him a knowing smile, their eyes drifting down to where his hand was linked with Y/N's, just as theirs had been for probably over 45 years.

"I don't want her to think I'm taking advantage of you," she said.

"What?" Tyler said, shocked back to the present moment. "Babe, she knows you. You're just not...some girl or whatever. You didn't even ask me, for God's sake. I offered. I told her that".

He knew, for certain, that that thought had never even entered his mother's mind.

"Was she mad at you?" She asked now like she was worried about hearing the answer. And Tyler thought, for a moment, if he answered yes, she'd be in there going to bat for him. Because as protective as his mother was of him, Y/N was almost more so. But they had always gotten along so well. In fact, they were almost always on the same page, even if Tyler wasn't, in the way that women were.

"No, she wasn't mad," Tyler answered. Worried, maybe. Or not quite understanding yet. But definitely not mad.

But the next question that he asked stopped him dead in his tracks: "How mad is she at me?"

"What?" he asked, because he hated the thought of her being up there in that bathroom, thinking that his mom was mad at her. "She's not mad at you at all."

"But..." she said, and she looked like she was going to cry, and he wasn't sure if it was the hormones or something else.

"Babe, she's not mad, she's not....like that," he said, wishing he was better with words, or had time to think through what to say to her. "She's just in shock, alright? She needs some time alone to absorb it all. Well, she has the dogs. She'll be...it'll be okay.".

He internally cursed himself, because he couldn't put his feelings into words, and he ran his thumb over Y/N's, hoping that she could at least feel the security that that offered. But she didn't respond and as they started moving again, so did his thoughts.

"You didn't do anything wrong," he stressed, "You know that, right? And I didn't either."

And he was certain of that. But he hoped that his mom would see it the same way because she was so thrilled when she first found out, and that was the reaction that Y/N deserved to have.

They both fell quiet, and not in the uncomfortable way, but in the way that they so often did on summer evenings, the T.V. or music in the background, the sound of the lake all that was needed.

Tyler was a little apprehensive when they turned back into the driveway, although he tried not to let Y/N feel it. The door opened though and, before he could realize it, his mom was out the door, pulling Y/N in for a hug.

He didn't even feel left out.

He couldn't quite hear what she was saying, not until she pulled back, putting her hands on Y/N's shoulders, and then he heard the words that released all the tension out of his body, "A baby's a good thing."

Tyler's mom pulled them both inside, and his mom went into mom mode, making sure that Y/N felt okay to stay, and that there would be something that she felt comfortable eating. When Tyler informed his mom that he hadn't told his sisters yet but that he would at Christmas, he began to imagine incorporating that baby into their Christmas traditions. Tyler rested his head on Y/N's shoulder as his mom asked how far along she was, and Y/N revealed that bump that had been forming. He watched as his mom's face lit up with excitement and waited until he caught her eye, mouthing a "thank you".

#hockey imagines #tyler+seguin

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spartanchick6 · 4 years

Text

Testimony

Ever since I was a little girl, I had a deep desire to know God. At first, I had to be convinced that there was a God and that He cared about me. I wanted to know that when I talked to God, I wasn’t just talking to the air. I needed to know that God really did hear me and love me.

My story begins from a point in time when I was carefree, curious, and wondering how God fit into my life. It began for me when I was about five years old. Each night as I would lie in bed and say my prayers, I asked God to come down and touch me so that I would be assured that He really was there and could actually hear me. I also wanted to know that He cared enough to not only listen, but also answer me. I would end my prayers each night with a similar request for God to touch me, indicating His presence. I repeated this prayer night after night with the determined persistence of a young child. I never felt defeated or ignoredto the point of quitting. Instead, I kept praying the same prayer night after night as I patiently waited for God to respond. I never gave up asking God, as children seldom do when wanting something bad enough for a genuine answer to my prayer. I seemed to have an endless supply of patience and trust that my prayer would be answered. I’m not sure exactly how long I continued with my persistent prayer, but I am convinced that it was over a year.

Suddenly, one night after repeating this prayer and while drifting off to sleep, I was awoken by a sweet, gentle, calming touch on my back. The touch was applied with just enough pressure to awaken me, yet not alarm me. I immediately thought of my prayer to God and knew it was Him. To reinforce my belief that it was His touch, I looked at my sister, who shared the bedroom and saw that she was sound asleep. I then went to my parent’s bedroom door and opened it quietly and saw that they were both asleep too. As I climbed back into my bed, I was elated with the warmest feeling knowing that God had finally answered my prayer. I now knew that He really was there and He really heard everything I said. My faith had begun, and my love for God could now blossom.

My family consisted of my Dad, Mom, and older sister. When going into second grade, we moved to Chicago, Illinois. My Dad had just graduated from medical school and was selected to complete his residency in a large hospital situated right in the downtown area of Chicago. We lived in a high-rise apartment right across the street from “my dad’s” hospital. It seemed everything in our apartment was white, including the tile on the floor, the cupboards, and the walls. It was not homey but had a rather sterile feeling to it. I attended a little two-room schoolhouse. Second grade was in one room, and third grade was in the other. My sister, who was in the fourth grade, and I would ice skate every day after school. We skated on a basketball court that was flooded during the winter and would freeze solid. I remember us walking home from school with our ice skates slung over our shoulders. These were good memories, but at this period, I distinctly realized that something in my family started to change.

My Dad was gone a lot of the time, because he was very busy with his residency. It was during this year that my sister and I started noticing some very strange things. My Mom would periodically “blackout” and faint for no apparent reason. My Mom became very critical of my sister and me and would incessantly yell at us. It reached a point where she seemed to be yelling at us all the time. Sometimes my Mom would hit my sister and cause her to cry. When my Dad would come home, I would “tattle” to him and tell how mean Mom was to us. I especially emphasized her actions following the times that she struck my sister. My Dad would get very upset over these reports and have what seemed like serious talks with our mother. Sometimes, when I tried to tell my Dad what Momhad done, she would stand behind him, so he wouldn’t know she was there and shake her fist at me, indicating that I had better not tell. On those occasions, I would tell Dad that we had a good day, thus being too afraid of what Mom would do to us if I spoke the truth. It took my Dad a while, but he finally discovered that her excessive drinking of vodka caused my Mom’s bad temper and blackouts.

When my Dad’s residency was over, we moved back to our original home. My mother continued her excessive drinking. Her problems were inflamed by the fact that my Dad was now a fulltime doctor and working extremely long hours. In fact, he was one of only a very few doctors that still did house calls. He would come home from a 14-hour day only to be called out again, leaving us alone with our mother. It seems that the long hours of separation within the family took its toll. We would find indications of our mother’s loneliness in her empty Vodka bottles, which she had hidden throughout the house. My sister and me were left unsupervised most of the time.

One night, I remember hearing my Dad crying. He had received a call that his father died from a gunshot wound to the head. My Dad had previously lost his mother to a long, drawn-out battle with breast cancer. His father had helplessly watched as she agonized through the pain and side effects from treatment therapies. Recently, my Grandfather was diagnosed with cancer and chose to commit suicide as opposed to what he believed would be a long, drawn-out battle.

The pressures on my Dad compounded with the loss of both of his parents, long hours from a rapidly growing medical practice, and the hardships of an alcoholic wife. This led to him having excruciating migraine headaches, which would not abate with simple aspirin. He medically diagnosed himself and treated his migraines with prescription painkillers. These medicines worked for a time, but the migraines continued. He increased the strength of the painkillers until he was using the very addictive narcotics. The narcotics made him very tired and started him on the use of amphetamines to keep him awake. At night he used barbiturates to counter the effect of the amphetamines.

My sister and I noticed that our Dad began to sleep late in the mornings, which was very unusual. His medical answering service would call urgently requesting to speak with our Dad. We would attempt to wake our Dad to answer these calls, but he would tell us to say that he was not home. I hated lying to the people at the answering service and could tell by the tone of their voice that they suspected I was not telling the truth.

My sister and I had the nicknames of “Toothpick” and “Stringbean” because we were exceptionally skinny. I remember havin such bad hunger pains. There were a lot of nights that we spent eating frozen dinners in front of the television. We were very fortunate that our mother’s parents lived close enough to take my sister and me for the weekends. They helped in our care as much as they could. My grandparents were the ones who took us to amusement parks and fishing. They are a big part of my good memories.

Each morning, my sister and I would get up by ourselves and leave for school. Our hygiene was a problem without assistance from our mother. In addition to being skinny, we had long blond hair with huge snarls from neglect. Each weekend our grandmother would wash our hair and, demonstrating exceptional patience, spend hours combing out the tangles. To this point, I was never instructed on the necessity of washing my face and brushing my teeth. It was not until an extremely embarrassing Moment when, in fourth grade, a teacher pulled me aside and explained the reasons why I would want to wash and brush. Once the alcohol took hold of our mother, our existence and necessities became irrelevant.

Initially, the night was an escape from the realities of the day, although as time progressed, the nights grew worse. Often our mother would roam the house in a drunken stupor. Other times she would lie in bed moaning so loud that sleep was impossible. I can remember getting so frustrated after being kept up for hours that I would initially plead and then scream at her to “shut up”, yet even my actions were no avail. Numerous times our parents would call, waking my sister and I, for us to come and lead them to the bathroom. My Dad was so numb with narcotics that he couldn’t even walk to the bathroom. He would lean on my sister and I as we guided him down the hallway. Also, my mother was routinely so drunk that she also had to be led to the toilet. Sometimes we would even have to take them to the bathroom at the same time. We would wait outside of the bathroom door while they used the toilet. Sometimes they even passed out in the bathroom and we would have to rouse them from their daze and guide them back to their bed. The stress of these escalating situations came out in me in the form of nervous ticks. I was known for unconsciously twitching my eyes and making noises in my throat. Also, I sucked my thumb long beyond what is considered normal for a child.

The tribulations at home were making my life at school exceptionally difficult. I experienced continual fatigue and reoccurring headaches. Unfortunately, no one knew of our plight and we didn’t feel we could confide in anyone without risking our Dad’s reputation. We didn’t want to destroy our Dad’s career as a doctor.

The problems at home were directly affecting my relationships at school. I never felt like I fit in or was a part of the group. I was continually thinking about what was happening at my home. I wondered what my mother was doing at home, instead of paying attention in the classroom. I never invited friends home after school or on weekends for fear of what I would find when we walked into the house. Each day I shuttered to think what was going on beyond the front door when I returned home after school. Some days my Mom would be more or lesssober and at other times it was like walking into a nightmare. My own personal struggles compounded when I began to be drawn to the “cool” kids in order to fit in and have friends. I was drawn to the “cool” kids who applied subtle pressure to mimic their actions. I spiraled into a world of drinking, smoking and experimentation with drugs. I did not even notice my own slide into a mental and emotional hell. I continued to experiment with marijuana and hashish. I remember several times when I stayed “stoned” for several days at a time. Surprising as it may sound, I was only twelve years old when I was hopelessly harming my physical, mental and spiritual body with alcohol, cigarettes and drugs. Around this time, when looking back, I must have been the kind of unlovable and hardened child that others wanted their own children to avoid. One day, a very wonderful woman who lived next door, reached out and invited my sister and me to accompany her to a place called the “Gospel House”. That night I heard some pretty awesome stuff. They told me that I could know God as I had never known him before. They said that I could be a part of God’s very own family and when I died I could be sure I was going to heaven. They showed me where in the Bible it states that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. No matter how hard we try to be good, it’s not enough. We all have sin. It says that the penalty for sin is death. But it also says that God loves us so much that He gave His only begotten Son to die on the cross for our sins that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but will have eternal life. By repenting of our sins and asking Jesus into our hearts, we could know for sure that we are a part of God’s family and that we would go to heaven. I went back for a number of weeks, because I had finally found the answer in my quest to know God more. It wasn’t something that you just said or did. It was the beginning of a life long commitment to love God. I would become totally dependent on God and trust Him with all aspects of my life. I could begin a relationship with God where I could grow closer and closer to Him the more I began to know Him. I remember praying and asking Jesus to forgive me for my sins and to come into my heart and life. I thought I should feel a little “saintly” or experience some great revelation, but in truth I didn’t feel any different. I did feel confident, though because now I knew that God had a purpose for everything I was going through and that He was going through it with me. My Dad tried to break the chains of addition by enrolling in several rehabilitation programs but his attempts to quit his addiction always failed. There were numerous occasions when one of our parents would overdose and fall into a coma. Mom had begun supplementing her drinking with amphetamines to wake her up and barbiturates to allow her to sleep like my Dad. One time my Dad fell into a deep coma that lasted for over a day. My mother and grandparents were very worried and argued over calling taking him to the hospital. The argument revolved between saving his life and whether he would lose his medical license if drugs were discovered in his blood. They couldn’t agree so they pulled my sister and I into the bedroom and told us to decide what to do. Rarely is a child left with making so traumatic a decision for adults. My sister and I were crying and didn’t know what to do. After about another half-hour of not knowing what to advise, my Dad awoke from the coma and appeared all right. Thus, we didn’t have to inform anyone about his condition and jeopardize his career, although our family’s personal hell would continue.My mother’s alcohol addiction and drug abuse caused numerous psychological and physiological neuroses to take hold and come out in unexpected forms. She appeared to have episodes resembling full-blown paranoid schizophrenia. She would tell us elaborate stories of how she was being watched by people who wanted to get her and destroy our Dad. Also, she believed that our house was bugged with listening devices. She drew arrows in blue chalk on the walls of the basement indicating where she had found wiretaps into our phone lines. The blue arrows were all over the walls. One night my Dad verified our mother’s claim that a car actually attempted to run them off of the road. My sisterand I lived in constant fear of our mother and the supposed “people” who were after us. At the time, we didn’t fully realize that our mother was no longer rational and was totally controlled by alcohol and drugs. The terrible downward spiral of life continued when on one night in particular my mother became mad at my sister and started burning all of her clothes in the basement incinerator. My Dad slapped my mother on the side of her head with such force, that it burst her eardrum. On another occasion, my mother was so mad at my sister and me that she beat us on our bare bottoms with the bristled side of a hairbrush. Our baby-sitter neighbor told us that she heard us screaming but for some reason, no one came to our assistance or attempted to intervene. As such young girls, my sister and I were helpless to change our situation. Sometime later, when my sister was fourteen and I was twelve, we were thankful because our Dad told us that he had finally overcome his addictions. One evening, a short while later, our Dad said he was going out to the garage and my sister and me became suspicious from something in his voice and followed him. We found out that he had hidden some drugs in the garage and he was planning on taking them. My sister and I threatened that if he took any of the drugs that we were leaving for good and going to live at my grandparent’s house. Dad went ahead and took the drugs, which caused my sister and me to pack our bags and walk to our grandparent’s home.We decided to stay at our grandparents for a few days to see how things progressed at home. The next evening, my sister and I attended a service at the Gospel House. Suddenly, our grandparents rushed into the service and asked us to leave. They said that our Dad had a terrible accident and hit his head by slipping in the bathtub. We rushed home only to find that our Dad wasn’t in the bathroom, but that he was laying face down halfway out the back door. My Mom was standing over him screaming that he was dead and that we had done this to him. Again came the argument between our grandparents and mother as to whether to call the ambulance. I looked at my Dad and knew something was terribly wrong. I went into the house and called an ambulance, while my grandparents and mother continued to argue. The ambulance came and took not only took my Dad, but also my Grandfather. It was all too much for my grandpa and he had started having chest pains. He had had previous heart attacks. Mom ran and locked herself in the bedroom and kept screaming that it was our fault dad was hurt. My grandmother called a mental institution where my Mom had spent some time earlier in the year. The institution people came and handcuffed my Mom and dragged her screaming out of the house and into a waiting car. I didn’t like the way they were dragging my mother and I remember feeling bad for Mom, but due to her continual screaming at us, was also glad to have her taken away. Sometime later that evening, my sister and me learned our Dad had died. We spent the rest of that night at our grandparent’s house. Grandpa spent the night in the hospital and came home the next day. My sister and me assisted our grandparents in arranging for the funeral. Grandma called the mental institute and they allowed our mother to attend the funeral, but she had to return for additional observation and treatment. I was too numb with shock and grief to even cry at my Dad’s funeral. It took a long before I could openly cry from the grief. My sister was very angry with God for taking her beloved Dad. I personally told God how bad I hurt inside, but also thanked Him for being with me. I was comforted by the fact that I believed that He had a purpose for everything. I was 12 years old at the time and felt as if I had lived a lifetime of tribulations. Mom finally came home from the institute and my sister and I moved back home. Life went on, but slowly began to change for the better. I wanted to quit smoking and lost the desire for drinking. In addition, I totally stopped smoking marijuana and hashish. The need to fit in with the “cool” crowd evaporated and I decided to find real friends. I began going to the Gospel House on a regular basis and even joined the choir. I felt very loved and accepted by my Christian brothers and sisters. Our choir traveled to other churches and I loved going on those excursions with them. The time spent with the choir was a saving grace to me, as I loved to sing. I spent two additional years trying to quit my pack a day habit of smoking cigarettes, but to no avail. Finally, in desperation, I confessed to God that I just couldn’t quit on my own and that if He wanted me to, He would have to quit for me. From the point of that prayer request, I have never picked up another cigarette. The total desire and urge to smoke was gone.Time progressed and my sister left for college. It was now just my mother and me at home. I told my Mom about my relationship with Jesus and she surprised me by showing up at a gospel house meeting. She was drunk at the time and I was very embarrassed of her, but she prayed at that meeting and no one seemed to care that she was intoxicated. I prayed with her at home too and she prayed asking to accept Christ into her life. I sincerely believe that she tried to quit drinking on her own, but the claws of alcoholism were set too deep. Her drinking slowed down substantially, but there were still times of significant drinking binges. Mom and I spent our summers in Canada on an island in Georgian Bay that my Grandfather had purchased in 1948. It’s a remote place in the wilderness about a twenty-minute boat ride from the marina in town. There was no electricity, running water or means of communication. We had a two-seat outhouse some distance behind the main cabin, which was creepy to use at night. You had to avoid all the huge hanging spiders. We used kerosene and Coleman lanterns for light and our only transportation was our 19-foot aluminum starcraft powerboat. .Mom continued to drink and would tell me stories of how she would see and talk to my Dad. My Dad had been dead for over four years. These stories caused me to lay awake at nights so afraid that I would see my Dad, a walking corpse, peeking in the windows. Each night I would ensure that the curtains were tightly closed after dark. During the school year life continued to be tough for me. Mom would go on drinking binges and keep me up with her moaning and ramblings. I had to get up for school on many mornings after little or no sleep. I went through a daily ritual of continual headaches and fatigue. Fortunately, I started dating my future husbandin the eleventh grade. He was a saving grace for me and seemed to always be there when I needed him most. He picked me up from home each morning and drove me to school so I didn’t have to trudge through the snow, rain and cold. Time passed and I entered my senior year in high school. I applied to attend college the following fall. Mom’s drinking became less frequent through my senior year and she continued to invite my boyfriend over for dinner. The two of them would spend the evening debating politics and discussing current events. This was a very pleasurable time for me and I enjoyed that my mother got along so well with my boyfriend. My mother hosted an exceptionally nice party following my graduation from high school. Three weeks later she hosted another major event, which was my sister’s marriage. At this point I believed that the future was bright and nothing could go wrong, unfortunately that wasn’t the case. Mom and I planned to spend the summer together in Canada before I left for college. My mother invited my boyfriend up to Canada and he arranged a week off of work to accompany us and help open the cottage. Unfortunately, Mom had binged the weekend before we left in memory of her and my Dad’s June anniversary date. This time though, she became very sick and we thought that she had the flu. She stated that she felt good enough to make the 10-hour drive to Canada and said it would be good to recuperate out on the island. After the long drive, and once out on the island, she took a downturn and became even sicker. She threw up multiple times and would then drink huge amounts of water. Just as we thought she was getting better she started acting peculiar. It was 3:00 AM when I awakened to her screams that Dad was dead. I went to her room and tried to tell her that Dad had died five years before. Then she insisted that our dog had died. I brought our dog to her and showed her that he was all right. She settled back into bed and quieted down. After I went back to my room I heard her rattling a pill bottle. I didn’t think much of this because I was so used to her taking a lot of pills. In the morning, Mom seemed much worse. She was incoherent, physically weak and unable to walk. I told her that we were taking her off of the island and into the hospital. On the drive, my mother’s eyes kept rolling back in her head. My heart was pounding as I continued to ask her if she was all right. She answered but continued to go in and out of consciousness. We arrived at the hospital and rushed her into the emergency room. After speaking with the Doctors, they commenced an examination of my mother. The doctors started the examination by asking my mother questions. When they asked her what the date was she said, “page number 238”. When asked what time it was, she smiled at the doctor and told him that he was asking too hard of questions. I told the doctor that I had heard my Mom taking medicine the night before, but that it was a normal occurrence. I also mentioned that she was an alcoholic. The emergency room doctors spoke with me and stated that my mother was either going through alcohol withdrawal or that she was going insane. Either way, he said that she would need to stay hospitalized for a couple of days, but that she would be all right. While I was talking to the doctor, my Mom came out of her dementia long enough to ask my boyfriend to take care of me. The nurses told us that we should get a hotel room and get some sleep. My own personal struggles compounded when I began to be drawn to the “cool” kids in order to fit in and have friends. I was drawn to the “cool” kids who applied subtle pressure to mimic their actions. I spiraled into a world of drinking, smoking and experimentation with drugs. I did not even notice my own slide into a mental and emotional hell. I continued to experiment with marijuana and hashish. I remember several times when I stayed “stoned” for several days at a time. Surprising as it may sound, I was only twelve years old when I was hopelessly harming my physical, mental and spiritual body with alcohol, cigarettes and drugs. Around this time, when looking back, I must have been the kind of unlovable and hardened child that others wanted their own children to avoid. One day, a very wonderful woman who lived next door, reached out and invited my sister and me to accompany her to a place called the “Gospel House”. That night I heard some pretty awesome stuff. They told me that I could know God as I had never known him before. They said that I could be a part of God’s very own family and when I died I could be sure I was going to heaven. They showed me where in the Bible it states that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. No matter how hard we try to be good, it’s not enough. We all have sin. It says that the penalty for sin is death. But it also says that God loves us so much that He gave His only begotten Son to die on the cross for our sins that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but will have eternal life. By repenting of our sins and asking Jesus into our hearts, we could know for sure that we are a part of God’s family and that we would go to heaven. I went back for a number of weeks, because I had finally found the answer in my quest to know God more. It wasn’t something that you just said or did. It was the beginning of a life long commitment to love God. I would become totally dependent on God and trust Him with all aspects of my life. I could begin a relationship with God where I could grow closer and closer to Him the more I began to know Him. I remember praying and asking Jesus to forgive me for my sins and to come into my heart and life. I thought I should feel a little “saintly” or experience some great revelation, but in truth I didn’t feel any different. I did feel confident, though because now I knew that God had a purpose for everything I was going through and that He was going through it with me. My Dad tried to break the chains of addition by enrolling in several rehabilitation programs but his attempts to quit his addiction always failed. There were numerous occasions when one of our parents would overdose and fall into a coma. Mom had begun supplementing her drinking with amphetamines to wake her up and barbiturates to allow her to sleep like my Dad. One time my Dad fell into a deep coma that lasted for over a day. My mother and grandparents were very worried and argued over calling taking him to the hospital. The argument revolved between saving his life and whether he would lose his medical license if drugs were discovered in his blood. They couldn’t agree so they pulled my sister and I into the bedroom and told us to decide what to do. Rarely is a child left with making so traumatic a decision for adults. My sister and I were crying and didn’t know what to do. After about another half-hour of not knowing what to advise, my Dad awoke from the coma and appeared all right. Thus, we didn’t have to inform anyone about his condition and jeopardize his career, although our family’s personal hell would continue.My mother’s alcohol addiction and drug abuse caused numerous psychological and physiological neuroses to take hold and come out in unexpected forms. She appeared to have episodes resembling full-blown paranoid schizophrenia. She would tell us elaborate stories of how she was being watched by people who wanted to get her and destroy our Dad. Also, she believed that our house was bugged with listening devices. She drew arrows in blue chalk on the walls of the basement indicating where she had found wiretaps into our phone lines. The blue arrows were all over the walls. One night my Dad verified our mother’s claim that a car actually attempted to run them off of the road. My sisterand I lived in constant fear of our mother and the supposed “people” who were after us. At the time, we didn’t fully realize that our mother was no longer rational and was totally controlled by alcohol and drugs. The terrible downward spiral of life continued when on one night in particular my mother became mad at my sister and started burning all of her clothes in the basement incinerator. My Dad slapped my mother on the side of her head with such force, that it burst her eardrum. On another occasion, my mother was so mad at my sister and me that she beat us on our bare bottoms with the bristled side of a hairbrush. Our baby-sitter neighbor told us that she heard us screaming but for some reason, no one came to our assistance or attempted to intervene. As such young girls, my sister and I were helpless to change our situation. Sometime later, when my sister was fourteen and I was twelve, we were thankful because our Dad told us that he had finally overcome his addictions. One evening, a short while later, our Dad said he was going out to the garage and my sister and me became suspicious from something in his voice and followed him. We found out that he had hidden some drugs in the garage and he was planning on taking them. My sister and I threatened that if he took any of the drugs that we were leaving for good and going to live at my grandparent’s house. Dad went ahead and took the drugs, which caused my sister and me to pack our bags and walk to our grandparent’s home.We decided to stay at our grandparents for a few days to see how things progressed at home. The next evening, my sister and I attended a service at the Gospel House. Suddenly, our grandparents rushed into the service and asked us to leave. They said that our Dad had a terrible accident and hit his head by slipping in the bathtub. We rushed home only to find that our Dad wasn’t in the bathroom, but that he was laying face down halfway out the back door. My Mom was standing over him screaming that he was dead and that we had done this to him. Again came the argument between our grandparents and mother as to whether to call the ambulance. I looked at my Dad and knew something was terribly wrong. I went into the house and called an ambulance, while my grandparents and mother continued to argue. The ambulance came and took not only took my Dad, but also my Grandfather. It was all too much for my grandpa and he had started having chest pains. He had had previous heart attacks. Mom ran and locked herself in the bedroom and kept screaming that it was our fault dad was hurt. My grandmother called a mental institution where my Mom had spent some time earlier in the year. The institution people came and handcuffed my Mom and dragged her screaming out of the house and into a waiting car. I didn’t like the way they were dragging my mother and I remember feeling bad for Mom, but due to her continual screaming at us, was also glad to have her taken away. Sometime later that evening, my sister and me learned our Dad had died. We spent the rest of that night at our grandparent’s house. Grandpa spent the night in the hospital and came home the next day. My sister and me assisted our grandparents in arranging for the funeral. Grandma called the mental institute and they allowed our mother to attend the funeral, but she had to return for additional observation and treatment. I was too numb with shock and grief to even cry at my Dad’s funeral. It took a long before I could openly cry from the grief. My sister was very angry with God for taking her beloved Dad. I personally told God how bad I hurt inside, but also thanked Him for being with me. I was comforted by the fact that I believed that He had a purpose for everything. I was 12 years old at the time and felt as if I had lived a lifetime of tribulations. Mom finally came home from the institute and my sister and I moved back home. Life went on, but slowly began to change for the better. I wanted to quit smoking and lost the desire for drinking. In addition, I totally stopped smoking marijuana and hashish. The need to fit in with the “cool” crowd evaporated and I decided to find real friends. I began going to the Gospel House on a regular basis and even joined the choir. I felt very loved and accepted by my Christian brothers and sisters. Our choir traveled to other churches and I loved going on those excursions with them. The time spent with the choir was a saving grace to me, as I loved to sing. I spent two additional years trying to quit my pack a day habit of smoking cigarettes, but to no avail. Finally, in desperation, I confessed to God that I just couldn’t quit on my own and that if He wanted me to, He would have to quit for me. From the point of that prayer request, I have never picked up another cigarette. The total desire and urge to smoke was gone.Time progressed and my sister left for college. It was now just my mother and me at home. I told my Mom about my relationship with Jesus and she surprised me by showing up at a gospel house meeting. She was drunk at the time and I was very embarrassed of her, but she prayed at that meeting and no one seemed to care that she was intoxicated. I prayed with her at home too and she prayed asking to accept Christ into her life. I sincerely believe that she tried to quit drinking on her own, but the claws of alcoholism were set too deep. Her drinking slowed down substantially, but there were still times of significant drinking binges. Mom and I spent our summers in Canada on an island in Georgian Bay that my Grandfather had purchased in 1948. It’s a remote place in the wilderness about a twenty-minute boat ride from the marina in town. There was no electricity, running water or means of communication. We had a two-seat outhouse some distance behind the main cabin, which was creepy to use at night. You had to avoid all the huge hanging spiders. We used kerosene and Coleman lanterns for light and our only transportation was our 19-foot aluminum starcraft powerboat. .Mom continued to drink and would tell me stories of how she would see and talk to my Dad. My Dad had been dead for over four years. These stories caused me to lay awake at nights so afraid that I would see my Dad, a walking corpse, peeking in the windows. Each night I would ensure that the curtains were tightly closed after dark. During the school year life continued to be tough for me. Mom would go on drinking binges and keep me up with her moaning and ramblings. I had to get up for school on many mornings after little or no sleep. I went through a daily ritual of continual headaches and fatigue. Fortunately, I started dating my future husbandin the eleventh grade. He was a saving grace for me and seemed to always be there when I needed him most. He picked me up from home each morning and drove me to school so I didn’t have to trudge through the snow, rain and cold. Time passed and I entered my senior year in high school. I applied to attend college the following fall. Mom’s drinking became less frequent through my senior year and she continued to invite my boyfriend over for dinner. The two of them would spend the evening debating politics and discussing current events. This was a very pleasurable time for me and I enjoyed that my mother got along so well with my boyfriend. My mother hosted an exceptionally nice party following my graduation from high school. Three weeks later she hosted another major event, which was my sister’s marriage. At this point I believed that the future was bright and nothing could go wrong, unfortunately that wasn’t the case. Mom and I planned to spend the summer together in Canada before I left for college. My mother invited my boyfriend up to Canada and he arranged a week off of work to accompany us and help open the cottage. Unfortunately, Mom had binged the weekend before we left in memory of her and my Dad’s June anniversary date. This time though, she became very sick and we thought that she had the flu. She stated that she felt good enough to make the 10-hour drive to Canada and said it would be good to recuperate out on the island. After the long drive, and once out on the island, she took a downturn and became even sicker. She threw up multiple times and would then drink huge amounts of water. Just as we thought she was getting better she started acting peculiar. It was 3:00 AM when I awakened to her screams that Dad was dead. I went to her room and tried to tell her that Dad had died five years before. Then she insisted that our dog had died. I brought our dog to her and showed her that he was all right. She settled back into bed and quieted down. After I went back to my room I heard her rattling a pill bottle. I didn’t think much of this because I was so used to her taking a lot of pills. In the morning, Mom seemed much worse. She was incoherent, physically weak and unable to walk. I told her that we were taking her off of the island and into the hospital. On the drive, my mother’s eyes kept rolling back in her head. My heart was pounding as I continued to ask her if she was all right. She answered but continued to go in and out of consciousness. We arrived at the hospital and rushed her into the emergency room. After speaking with the Doctors, they commenced an examination of my mother. The doctors started the examination by asking my mother questions. When they asked her what the date was she said, “page number 238”. When asked what time it was, she smiled at the doctor and told him that he was asking too hard of questions. I told the doctor that I had heard my Mom taking medicine the night before, but that it was a normal occurrence. I also mentioned that she was an alcoholic. The emergency room doctors spoke with me and stated that my mother was either going through alcohol withdrawal or that she was going insane. Either way, he said that she would need to stay hospitalized for a couple of days, but that she would be all right. While I was talking to the doctor, my Mom came out of her dementia long enough to ask my boyfriend to take care of me. The nurses told us that we should get a hotel room and get some sleep.

The next morning, my boyfriend and me were going to go back to the island to get a nightgown, books and some things for my Mom to do but we decided to go and check on her first. One of the nurses came running up to us and asked us where we had been. I was told that my mother’s heart had arrested 8 times during the night, yet the doctors had been able to revive her each time. When we rushed into my Mom’s room we found her lying naked on the bed with wires and electrodes attached to her chest. I covered her bare breasts with a sheet. Her eyelids were taped shut and she was on a ventilator machine. The doctor had assured me that she would be all right the night before and now I had such a growing fear inside of me. To loose my mother would be the worst possible thing that could happen to me, as I would be an orphan. At that moment, I felt so alone and very scared. Even though my mother was an alcoholic, I still loved her with a deep affection that only a child can know. I wondered who would take care of me and where would I go? Just three weeks prior, we were celebrating at my sister’s wedding. I thought aloud, “No God, not my Mom!” The yellow light on the oxygen machine shut off right in front of our eyes indicating that my mother had stopped breathing on her own. I told the nurse that the yellow flashing light had gone out and she then explained the machine’s operation. I exclaimed that the yellow light in fact was now off and that my Mom had stopped breathing! The nurse turned, and with a shocked look, asked my boyfriend and me to immediately leave the room. Doctors came rushing to my mother’s room and many hospital personnel entered and left the room in rapid succession. After what seemed like an eternity, I was told that the doctor wanted to see me down in his office. My heart sank, as I knew what this meant. Indeed, I was told that my Mom had died. My world was utterly toppled. After breaking the news to my sister, she immediately got in the car with her husband and started the 12-hour drive to Canada.

My sister reached the hospital in Canada eight hours after our mother had died. We both looked at each other in a state of shock. We returned to the Island, closed the cottage and began the long drive home. My sister, who was only 19 at the time, and I struggled through the funeral preparations like zombies. They had me view my mother’s body before anyone else and I was outraged to see that they had bright red lipstick on her with bright red nail polish. We buried her in the same dress she had worn only three weeks previously to my sister’s wedding. For three long days we endured the funeral process. So many people expressed their condolences, but nothing helped the ache I felt inside. I knew that I would never see either of my parents again. They would not be here to see me start college, get married or know my children. I felt so devastated and cheated. My boyfriend was by my side throughout the entire time. I don’t know what I would have done if it hadn’t been for him. I cried my heart out to God and couldn’t understand why He had allowed this to happen. It was a strange feeling, but I truly felt His presence with me and I could feel His tears alongside of mine. I knew there was some purpose in all this, but I was too numb to ponder it very much. I had never felt such sorrow in my whole life.

Two days later, my boyfriend’s Dad died from cirrhosis of the liver. I assisted his family with all of the funeral preparations. My boyfriend’s family was overcome with grief, as was I. Life seemed unbearable as my boyfriend and I trudged on side by side. God had given us each other for support, comfort and friendship. My boyfriend was only 18 and I was only 17 at that time. My Dad was 39, my Mom was 44 and my boyfriend’s Dad had been 43 when they all died. Everyone was so young and experienced such needless and avoidable suffering.

I never got to sleep in my own bed again. I never got to live in my own house again. I stayed with my boyfriend’s family for about two weeks and then my grandparents took me in for the rest of the summer. We put our house up on the market and began the long task of going through everything in it. My grandpa was in the flea market business and loved selling things. It seems everything I cherished was sold, including most of our furniture and belongings. Even my own bed and childhood toys were sold.

I started college in the fall and cried throughout the whole first few months. I had an 8x10 photograph of my Mom, sister and I sitting on our couch just before my sister’s wedding. We were all dressed up and looked so happy. I shed many tears while looking at that picture and thinking that I would never get to see my Mom again; until heaven that is. The Bible was my lifeline. I had a little King James Version of the Bible that I had received when I attended the gospel house. The pages became well worn as I continually sought refuge in the pages of God’s word. God was always there with me, and as I poured my heart out to Him, I knew He cared and hurt right along side of me. I also knew that He would help me to persevere and keep on going.

My boyfriend and me were married after our second year in college. We graduated two years later. I was a nurse and my husband joined the army as a Second Lieutenant. We were stationed in Germany for the next three years. We lived among the German people and I took classes to learn how to speak with them.

I was at the Army post one day when I noticed a sign in English for a coffeehouse across the street. I had heard that coffeehouses were sometimes Christian places so I decided to continue with my adventurous spirit and check it out. I am sure that God planned that day, as I met my best friend. She took me under her wing and really taught and explained the Bible to me. Together, we spent hours in prayer and memorizing scripture.

My best friend assisted me in overcoming a serious burden that I carried. This burden was my fear that God would throw me out of His family because I still had sin in my life, regardless of how hard I tried. I struggled with a lot of anger as my husband was gone so much of the time and I was left home alone in a foreign country. I tried not to be angry with my husband over this, but sometimes I didn’t succeed. I had a constant battle going on inside of me. I battled with what I knew I should be like and what I was really like. It seemed my anger always won over faith and caused me significant depression and guilt. My friend was able to show me through scripture that God would never ”kick” me out of his family and that he had provision for sins. All I had to do was confess my sins to God and ask for His forgiveness. In turn, I could know for certain that I was forgiven. Once I asked forgiveness, I could then invite the Holy Spirit to control me and help me be the person He wanted me to be.

My friend showed me where in the Bible it said that I could know for sure that I was going to heaven and that I had eternal life starting way back on the very day I had asked Jesus into my heart. She showed me scriptures where it said that the Holy Spirit lives inside of me and is there to help, love and guide me. This helped tremendously as I was able to rid myself of the guilt that plagued me. Also, the fellowship with my friend was instrumental in my growing closer to God. I no longer had to fear His disapproval of me. I was free to learn, grow and even started sharing my testimony and teaching bible classes.

This testimony and life experiences is why I share my story with you. I want you to know God as you have never known Him before. You can know without a doubt that you have eternal life. You can know that you are a part of God’s family and that He will never leave you or forsake you. You can be assured that God has a plan for your life. No matter how terrible the situation, you can know that God has a good purpose for placing you in the situation. I know that I will see my parents in heaven again some day. I prayed with my Mom and know that she believed in Jesus. Also, my neighbor informed me that she prayed with my Dad six months prior to his death and that he asked Christ into his life. Their lives were shortened, because of sin, yet your life doesn’t have to experience the same tribulation. The answer is so simple, yet so life-changing; all you have to do is pray and ask Jesus into your heart and life,

“Jesus, I’m sorry for all of my sins. I believe that you died to pay the penalty for my sins. I ask you to forgive me for all of my sins, past, present, and future. I ask you to come into my life and my heart. Please give me your Holy Spirit to comfort, guide, and teach me. Please help me to know you in a way that I have never thought possible until now. I thank you that I now know for sure that I have eternal life and that I will live with you in heaven forever. Show me these truths in your word and open my eyes so that I can see them for myself. I love You,God. I commit my life to you and give you all that I am. I pray this in the name of Jesus, Amen.”

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ratretro · 6 years

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The Heart Beats Chapter 2

Title: The Heart Beats

Pairing: NaLu

Summary: Soulmate AU mashup - Red Strings. Forgotten Dreams. Colors of Gray. Marked Skin. Unfamiliar Names. Soulmates have different meanings for everyone, and Lucy struggles to find the courage to take her next step forward. Will she finally claim her future or will feelings go left unsaid?

Rating: M – sort of??? probably??????

None of these characters are owned by me, they are all owned by the wonderful Hiro Mashima!

A/N:

Old Bullets is on hiatus. Cause I wanna focus on this story tbh

lmao ill update the info on it so everything is fancy official (I have to update my author page anyway lol) more info at the end!! Also, let me send a little love to my girl @petri808 for being the beta for this chapter to make sure my prescription brain didn’t completely destroy it lmao

FF.net - AO3

He watched her carefully from his position near the blender. He didn’t have the best view but the top of her head was visible and he could see brief movements that made him think of what actions she may be taking. Was she laughing, shaking her head, or just listening to each word coming out of her friend’s mouth with intensity.

The pinkette bounced from one foot to the other, wondering what exactly was being said beyond his outrageously good hearing. Behind him, the blender chirped and the whirring of the blade faded as it finished the selected setting. It jolted him from his thoughts, sort of, and reminded him: ‘Hey! I have a job!’. The frappucino was poured into a plastic cup with the typical fluff of whipped cream on top. From there, it was a handoff to Juvia with high hopes she didn’t fumble and drop it on the woman in front of her. He’d originally replaced her on the register so she could go to break but now that she was back he could safely hide in the corner and make the drinks. He could also reply to her.

What did she think he was anyway? Some kind of criminal? He tugged roughly at his sleeves until the blue smudges came into view, ‘Shit!’ She’d give him hell about it later. His eyes flitted around for one of the dirtier rags. It would be gross on his skin, but it’s not like she’d have to feel it. Once he was done all he had to do was scrub his hands down and throw the rag in the designated dirty rags basket. Done. Easy Peazy.

Pen in hand he was ready to respond when a man walked up and stared at the menu. Natsu vaguely remembered that he was sitting at the table with the blonde from earlier, and for one reason or another, that bothered him. It bothered him a lot.

“Of course! Natsu, one strawberry-banana smoothie.” a girl’s drink, in Natsu’s opinion. Though, he could easily be ordering for one of the girls he was with.

“Got it.” He supposed that reply would have to wait.

“You seem… familiar?” the voice was deeper, meaning it must have belonged to the dark-haired male. Was that a pick-up line? If so, it felt like one lifted straight out of a book.

“Juvia thought so as well.” it was the tone that got Natsu. It was higher than normal, and she definitely sounded… excited. Not that he cared about that, he wasn’t interested in her anyway, but Juvia was always gushing about her dreams. Mostly, the man in her dreams. She’d never been interested in a guy until now. She was surprisingly dedicated to a man she’d never met in person.

He lost track of their conversation as the blender once again whirred to life and blocked out most of the general noise of the cafe. The blender had about 2 more minutes left which meant that, if he was quick about it, he could get a response in.

Rude.

I work normal jobs like a normal person.

He was sure she wouldn’t believe him but he didn’t have time for an argument during a work shift. Though, argument was a strong word here. It was more like bickering. They rarely fought, but if they did she’d start drawing on her face in permanent marker. Shit like hearts or the one time she wrote ‘NERD’ in red on his forehead. He just messed up her notes in retaliation.

Natsu wondered, ever so briefly, what kind of girl she was outside of notes. Was she like the blonde sitting 10 feet away from him or was she like the bubbly blue-haired girl next to her? He wanted to meet her. It’d be easy too. Literally, a dab of ink on his skin and he could ask. Yet, he was somehow scared.

He was the punk who got into fights frequently. Who knows how many bruises she had to hide because of him. Once again, his nervous ticks returned. His ball-point pen tapping on the metal counter that held the equipment. His foot tapping incessantly. Nervousness quickly became agitation followed with a groan of disappointment.

Surely, he’d made things difficult for her without thinking about it. Especially, before the point where he’d learned they were even connected. Not that he could help it. Besides, while he had told her he worked normal jobs that wasn’t exactly the case. The shop they were in now was a cover for a mission they were working.

It wasn’t a big job, but all the same, it had to be handled. They just needed some information on a cocaine dealer. That dealer was also working in human trafficking. Mostly women. Mostly sexual. It disgusted him and he’d needed a new mission so he offered himself as the ‘tank’ so to speak. If they were talking game terminology.

Besides, it was legal. They were hired by the police after all. That was how their company worked with most of their revenue coming from the cafe, the bar, and finishing up with the occasional work sent their way by the police.

Personally, he was happy he’d taken this job. After all, it placed him in the same city (hopefully) as his soulmate. Or at least he thought it was. She’d mentioned ‘Magnolia University’ and they were in Magnolia right now. He’d been stationed in a smaller city and jumped at the opportunity to move to the main branch for Fairy Tail.

The chairs screeched as the blonde and her peppy friend stood to follow the dark-haired male as he left with his newly acquired smoothie in hand. They’d mentioned their friend seeing color so they were probably meeting her now. He wished her luck in trying to find whoever her soulmate was. Juvia was having a hard time so he imagined others had similar issues. That caused him a pang of guilt.

“Natsu.” Juvia’s voice cleared his mind and brought him back to focus.

“What’s up?” there was a lull as the cafe emptied; as though they were following the blonde and her group.

“Did you know that Jellal’s back?” no, he hadn’t. Not until now, except that was pretty typical of gramps too. Jellal had been living across the country with his father until now.

“Nah. But you know how gramps is. He doesn’t really explain himself.” he gave a shrug in tangent with his answer.

“Juvia thinks he might work with us on the trafficking case.” she was suddenly back to being soft-spoken even though she had been surprisingly animated with the male from earlier.

“Probably. Didja get that guy’s number?” from the look of surprise, and the immediate flush of her cheeks, he guessed she hadn’t.

In all honesty, they kinda needed the help anyway. Natsu had already been in two brawls since he started two weeks ago. The area was great at looking like a safe middle-class section. But he’d stopped one kidnapping and a mugging since he came here.

------------------------

Lucy hated Blue Pegasus. Hated was a strong word, or so her mom would say, but it was the truth and she wouldn’t lie to herself. She didn’t like coming here for a few reasons. One, her dad caught it on her bank statement and grounded her for a month. Two, the idea and sight of strippers always gave her unease. Three, Hibiki, Eve, and Ren. Her friends called her pure-hearted but they still insisted that she spend her 21st birthday here. So, she did.

Unfortunately.

Her dancers at that time had been Hibiki, Ren, and Eve which was fine until they discovered she was a light-weight. And a touchy one at that. At one point, they became the one receiving the show and she had to be dragged out of the club by Erza, and Levy. Now, every time she saw them she became unbelievably embarrassed.

Coincidentally, this was also where she met Gray. Not on THAT night, but it was a few days after when she’d mustered the courage to come back and apologize to the trio. He worked a different job now, but occasionally he still picked up a shift or two if he needed the extra cash.

“Don’t worry! They’re not here today!” the chipper voice of Blue Pegasus’ owner and bartender rang through the air.

“Master Bob!” surprise was laced in Levy’s voice as she came face to face with Pegasus’ one and only owner.

It wasn’t exactly rare to see the master. In fact, he probably spent most of his waking hours behind the bar even though all of his staff could make drinks and were certified to do so.

“What is my favorite worker doing here on his day off?” Master Bob’s voice was always high-pitched and sing-songy. While most thought it could be annoying, they actually enjoyed it. Master Bob was a happy man, and as such, he exuded that aura which made Blue Pegasus a comfortable location to visit.

Really the only thing preventing Lucy from liking the place was her own humiliation.

“Hello, Master.” a curt nod was given to his direction. He gave her a chuckle and a knowing wave before pointing to the door.

She knew it was Erza walking – strutting – in the door like she owned the place. She didn’t but she exuded the aura of dominance which made it hard to tell the difference.

“Erza--!” A man bumped into the blonde’s shoulder and while she’d normally fight for her ‘honor’ this man smelled like a beer refinery. She opted for silence. It also wasn’t hard to recognize the male as a regular here. Lucy had seen him more than enough times and was fairly certain he was in love with Jenny.

The blue-haired male stumbled a bit and then spread his arms as if trying to remain steady. He did, somehow, before continuing on. Really, nothing about him was attractive. In fact, she thought his appearance, and demeanor, both sucked. He even had a tattoo of an ‘X’ above his eyebrow. Speaking of eyebrows: hideous.

An obnoxious snort rolled from her lips and Levy clicked her tongue. Gray did nothing, as per usual, but his posture had changed to one a slight bit more aggressive.

“Lucy. It’s good to see you.” Erza’s voice wasn’t loud, per se, but it was commanding. Deep, but soft. If that made any sense. It wasn’t something that Lucy herself would put on paper. In fact, she’d probably skirt around the subject entirely.

“Is there a problem?” the redhead drew her back from the contemplation inside her mind: fight or flight? In the end, wasn’t it always flight that won?

“No, everything’s okay. Right guys?” the blonde prompted for answers.

“Yeah. Men with ugly eyebrows definitely didn’t walk off drunk.” Levy’s sass was newfound to Lucy. The blunette wasn’t normally this saucy but she’d been hanging out with some man she’d discovered in a bar a week or to ago. Lucy didn’t know who and Levy wasn’t providing the information so the pair was at an impasse. All she knew was he was ripped with piercings. He looked like the guy her dad warned her about on many an occasion.

“Definitely didn’t run into anyone, either.” Gray’s backup was quick; no hesitation.

Erza remained quizzical for the most part. She gave a casual glance to the man with ugly eyebrows. The redhead really wasn’t too focused on it, Levy had been oddly specific. She tensed as he threw an arm over a woman’s shoulder but, upon seeing it was consensual, she let it go. Truly, it wasn’t the group’s business.

“So, Erza. What’s up?” it was Levy who broke the red head’s thoughts and brought her back to the issue at hand. The blue-haired male disappeared in the crowd which aided in the loss of her attention.

“Yes, I’m actually quite excited.” her face lit up. Though, it wasn’t like a little kid on their birthday. More like, someone who got a small promotion and was celebrated with a beer. I

The group waited in hopes it would prompt her to continue.

“Colors. It seems faded at best but… I can see them.” No one spoke for a moment. Faded could mean one of two things. He was coming near to her, possibly even the same city, or he was passing through on his way out of the area. They all hoped for the former.

“This is a good thing right?” Levy prompted the question. ‘Did she want this?’

“I think so.” Truth be told she wasn’t sure. The thing about soulmates was that you had to meet them in some capacity. It wasn’t like you had to speak to them. It could be simply passing by, a bump on the shoulder, a one-time meeting on the playground as children. You never really know.

Did she want to know a man she could’ve met briefly as a child? Passed by in a coffee shop? She didn’t know.

A/N:

Hello my loves it’s me ya boi back at it again with a chapter I wrote on an impressive amount of prescription medication. Things had to be adjusted more then once and it caused quite a delay in the chapter. (plus that writers block) if you follow my tumblr i’ve been giving updates on the situation and now I should be back up and running unless a plethora of drugs are thrown my way again. Ive got the brain issues and stuff so thats a struggle. Everyone who has been waiting so patiently I appreciate ya fam. I’ve got a question for you guys and I want to see your theories:

What did you catch in this chapter? Did you guys see the little hints I dropped? ;)

I can’t wait to see you all next chapter!

#fairy tail #nalu #natsu x lucy #nalu ff #ft #lucy heartfilia #natsu dragneel #dorkneel #queen #my children #i love them so much tbh #the heart beats #thb

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