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childofthenight2035 · 6 years ago

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Protect You (Part 3) Final

A/N: its literally been forever, this is NOT my best work, im sorry this is so damn long i aint ever gonna finish this am i featuring everybody and Ji Chang Wook

Pairing: Lee Taeyong x gn!Reader, Ji ChangWook x gn!Reader, Jung Jaehyun x gn!Reader

Summary/Prompt: Your new bodyguard doesn’t seen the friendly type.

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Bodyguard!AU

Word Count: 9.9k

Warnings: None?

Links to the other parts can be found in my masterlist!

“You have to be kidding me.” I vaguely heard Kai’s voice in my room. “Hyung, how could you let this happen?” Firm footsteps. A strong hand wrenched the bottle out of my grip. I whined, but let it go. Even in my dazed state, I knew it was too much.

Chanyeol gave a non-committal grunt. “What was I going to do? Stop it?” I fell back against the sofa from where I sat on the floor, fitting myself between Yeol’s legs. His broad hands stroked my hair soothingly and I leaned into his touch, smiling giddily. “What a happy baby.” Kai groaned. “Yah, what of Chang Wook? The asshole.”

“You can’t blame him.” Kai let out a deep sigh. “His career was on the line.”

“But still.”

“He’s gone, anyway. Packed his bags and left.”

“You’re kidding.”

“They must have settled it that way. Let’s not interfere in it.”

Chanyeol made a noise of outrage. “Not interfere? If I could get my hands on that—“

“There’s something else, hyung. Something possibly worse.”

There was a pause. “What could be worse?”

“Someone joined the dance department, and I think…”

I was so exhausted. I fell asleep.

Wendy’s constant presence was slowly starting to drive me insane. I had not a single moment to myself. It was irritating, especially concerning the fact that I wasn’t that close to Wendy.

“Do you really have nothing to do?” I asked, albeit a little harshly. Wendy pouted.

“Wow, do you really not like having me around?”

I slumped. “It’s not that, just….I feel like you’re tailing me because Yeol put you up to it. I mean, will anyone let me mope in peace?”

“Honestly? No,” she replied. “Irene is out of town and Seulgi is completely hooked on that new kid in the choreo department.”

Something rang a bell. “Ohh, yeah, I think the boys mentioned that…” I tugged at my hair. “And? What did Seulgi say? Is the kid any good?”

“I wish he wasn’t.” Wendy shook her head. “She hasn’t spoken of anything but how great he is at everything.”

I laughed. “Seems like someone has a crush?”

Wendy pursed her lips. “God, I hope not. I won’t be able to live with her.” She suddenly stopped and gripped my arm. “And you know what she’s saying? He’s so good, she’s taking him with us to New York!”

“Tomorrow, isn’t it?” I shivered. “I keep forgetting it’s so close. I’m excited.”

“Me too.” She bounced on her heels. “I’ve never been to New York.”

“Hyunwoo’s gonna be there,” I said, heart sinking a little as I remembered why Hyunwoo would be there. “Reinstated as long as I’m there.”

“Oh. That’s good, isn’t it?”

“It must be such an inconvenience, I mean, he must have other things to do.”

“He might not.” Wendy was quick to reassure me. “Don’t think about it too much.” She glanced at her watch. “We have a department meeting now. You want to come?”

I shook my head. “What would I possibly do?”

“Just sit there and watch. Come on. It’s not like you have anything better to do.”

I slipped into the room behind Wendy and immediately spotted Chanyeol, standing near the back and leaning against the wall. I slid into the shadows behind him.

“Yah, what are you doing here?” He whispered. I smiled angelically in response.

“Hey,” Wendy hissed, tapping my shoulder. “I think that’s the new guy.” I turned my head in the direction she was pointing until I caught a shock of red hair near the front of the room.

“Damn,” I whispered back. “Sure he’s not an idol or something?” She only giggled. My eyes remained trained on the back of the newbie’s head, admiring his spunk. I caught a glimpse of Seulgi, who was seated next to him, as she turned to talk to him. “Seulgi looks whipped,” I commented.

“Can you both shut up?” Chanyeol snapped, unusually tense. I narrowed my eyes at him, but obeyed. I slunk back into the shadows.

“I’ll wait outside, then,” I told Wendy, my voice low. She nodded and let me go, only after promising that I had to wait for them. I crept along the walls and let myself out the door.

I dragged my toes aimlessly over the floor, following the cracks that the tiles made—ordinary large grey tiles that bored me. I checked my watch. Why weren’t they coming out yet? Were department meetings such a big deal? I’d never known. It had been well over an hour already and who knew whether it would take longer? I didn’t understand all their talk about tech and time schedules and budgets. Channie seemed pretty nervous. Was the music department behind on any deadline? Wait—was it because he was taking care of me for the past few days? Was he going to face the music today? Is this all my fault? Yes, a voice in my head answered my question. Of course this is all your fault.

The door creaked open and I shifted aside for the throng of people to pass, greeting the ones I recognized but keeping one eye out for Wendy or Chanyeol. After the rush had died down, the door opened again to emit two people—Seulgi and the new kid. My eyes immediately darted to his hair. He nodded at Seulgi and the two split ways, the new guy taking the corridor that passed me. And that’s when I saw his face.

My mouth fell open. I stood there speechless as he walked past without even giving a hint that he knew I was standing there.

“Taeyong?” I breathed out, loud enough for him to hear. No response. He continued walking. “Yah, Lee Taeyong!” I left my post by the door and ran after him. He seemed to not pay attention. I seized the cuff of his shirt and tugged hard, so that he was forced to stop. I pulled and he swung reluctantly around to face me. “Yah, Taeyong-ah,” I said in numb disbelief that soon changed to anger. “Yah, how could you do that? Resign without telling me and then disappear? And then show up three days later as a choreographer? What do you think you’re doing?”

His face soured and he yanked his arm back. “Please leave me alone. Don’t talk to me.” Swivelling on his heels, he strolled away, his footsteps echoing in the empty corridor.

“Can you believe that?” I burst out in Chanyeol’s studio. “Lee Taeyong—my bodyguard—after all we’ve been through—honestly, how dare he? And he’s telling me to leave him alone? Like what the hell? Not to talk to him? What is he playing at?”

I paced the studio, not seeing Wendy flinch, nor Chanyeol glaring at her.

“Okay, but listen, it’s not that I’m upset that he resigned or anything,” I continued, not caring whether they were listening or not. “I mean, he liked dancing, so yeah, let him dance again, that’s a great thing, but why leave without telling me and now why tell me to stay away? I mean, what did I do?”

“Maybe he was embarrassed that he was going to take dancing again,” Wendy suggested. I caught Yeol’s glare but didn’t make anything of it.

“How? I’m the one that told him to start dancing again and that we’d all support him,” I argued. “That doesn’t explain why he’s mad at me now.”

“I’m sure he has his reasons,” Chanyeol interjected. “Let’s not push it. You—“ he pointed at me, “—should be focusing on your dialogues. We’re leaving tomorrow and don’t think Sunho’s going to give you much time to learn them once we’re there.”

“Ooh, responsible Yeol,” I teased. “It’s not a bad look for you.”

“I’m serious, Y/N.”

“The flight. I’ll learn them on the flight.” He sighed and turned to his computer. “Oh no,” I said, suddenly remembering what Wendy told me. “Taeyong’s coming, isn’t he?”

“Just stay away from him, yeah?” I heard Chanyeol say. “Nothing good is going to come out of you provoking him. So use your brain for once.”

“For once?” I stuck my tongue out at the back of his head. “I use my brain all the time.”

“And let me remind you of one thing,” he turned right around. “In the light of the media, you’re still in a relationship with Kai, so don’t go around making a bad rep. Hyuk’s going to have a heart attack if you do.”

“I don’t want to see his fat face,” I snapped. “Let him go to hell.” Wendy raised her eyebrows. I kind of felt sorry for her, having to witness all my arguments with Chan.

“Well, at least Hyunwoo’s going to be there, yeah?” she said cheerily. “He must be glad to see you. It’s been a while.”

Before I could respond, Chan cut in. “Have you finished packing?”

“Not everything.”

“Go finish. Now.” I stood up, scared of his tone, bowed to both of them deeper than I normally did and let myself out the door.

I pressed my fingertips to the thick glass of the airplane windows, gazing down at the scene below us. It was just like in the movies—tall skyscrapers breaking through the clouds as the flight descended.

“New York.” Chanyeol said quietly beside me. “Worth the wait, huh?”

“You bet.” I peeked over the seat ahead of me and saw Wendy with her nose pressed against the glass, excitement written all over her face. I couldn’t help but giggle. Despite having been abroad for most of her studies, she had apparently never actually been to New York.

I could only hope the visit turned out as good as I hoped.

“Hyunwoo!” I squealed as soon as I saw him waiting for us outside the airport. I was about to make a dash for him, but Chanyeol seized my arm and pulled me close to him, looking furtively both ways.

“Don’t make a scene, for heaven’s sake,” he hissed. I pouted but obeyed.

The first thing I got from Hyunwoo was a hard knuckle to my head. And then a hug.

“I didn’t think I would be seeing you so soon,” he remarked. “There goes my peace and quiet for the next couple months.”

I punched him—which I’m sure he didn’t even feel—and looped my arm into his. “I’m sorry you had to drop everything—“ A flash of red passed me. I raised my voice slightly. “—for me. It was all because of some asshole who resigned without saying anything—“ A sharp smack to the back of my head shut me up. Channie. Why can’t you be on my side for this? Jeez.

“I’m sure he had a reason,” Hyunwoo said sensibly. I knew that was obviously true, but my irritation wouldn’t stay down for long.

“Forget it. How’s Minhyuk?” I asked, shifting the topic back to him.

“He’s doing good. He’s a teacher at a preschool now, did you know?”

“Really? That’s great. He’s good with kids.”

“He is.” I could hear the fondness in his voice and my heart suddenly ached.

The streets were packed. However hard I looked, I could hardly see enough space for a cat to breathe. The hotel corridor had full length windows at the end and I was pressed up against them, peering down at the road. “Is New York always so busy?” I wondered aloud.

“Sure is.”

I jumped, my shoes making an embarrassing squeaking noise against the tiles. Swivelling around, I came face-to-face with a cheerful face. Cheerful? Well, that too. I meant to say gorgeous. Because he is. “Oh. Um. Hi.”

His face broke out in an excited grin. “Hi. I’m Jaehyun. I think we’ve…um…corresponded?”

Odd way to say that we talked on the phone, but okay. “Yeah, I remember. Nice to finally meet you.”

We shook hands.

“You got the role of the boyfriend, right?” I confirmed, lifting myself off the window and gesturing him to follow me downstairs to where I would get some food in my stomach.

“Yeah, I did!” He was bouncing on his heels very slightly, but enough for me to notice.

I chuckled. “You seem really eager.”

He abruptly stopped and let out a nervous laugh. “Well, yeah, I guess. I’m a really big fan of you. You’re such a great actor. You’re like my idol.”

“Thank you,” I replied graciously. “I’m looking forward to seeing you be even better. No pressure, though.”

“I’ll try my best!” He pressed the button for the elevator and held it open for me. Once we were inside, he cleared his throat. “Um, do you know where Taeyong is? He told me he was coming, too.”

My expression soured as soon as I heard his name. “No, I don’t know. And I certainly don’t care where he is, either.”

“Whoa. I’m sorry. Is…is something wrong?” Jaehyun looked genuinely confused, poor thing. “I thought he was your bodyguard?”

“Exactly. He was.” The elevator pinged and the doors opened. “You can ask him why yourself.” I stalked out, mood ruined, leaving Jaehyun absolutely scared of my sudden temper.

Stupid Taeyong. Stupid Taeyong with his stupid red hair and his stupid choreo. Who does he think he is? How dare he say that to me? How dare he tell me to leave him alone when I’m the one who told him that it was okay to go dance again? Him and his stupid dance moves, looking like a tomato. That’s what I’m going to call him. Tomatohead. Stupid tomatohead with his —

“Couldn’t you just talk to him?” Hyunwoo suggested, evidently tired of me staring at Taeyong with daggers in my eyes every time I saw him. I shook my head.

“He doesn’t want to talk to me, so what am I supposed to do?” I slumped back in my chair. “It’s like I did something to him. He’s acting perfectly fine around everyone else.”

Always the voice of reason, Hyunwoo spoke gently: “Maybe you did do something.”

“I swear I didn’t!” I cried out for the umpteenth time in a week.

“Did you say anything to him the day before he resigned?”

“I was at a party,” I stressed yet again. “He wasn’t in a mile radius of where I was. And we were on good terms before it.”

Hyunwoo only sighed and sat back, gazing at me disappointedly. I hated that look. Why do I feel so guilty if I didn’t do anything?

Tax fraud. That’s what my parents said the authorities called it. I didn’t understand. Hadn’t my parents been paying their taxes? Wasn’t that what they were working so hard for? I didn’t know why they would be accused of it, nor did I give it much importance until I heard them tell me one word—deportation. That meant being forced out of the country. That meant leaving. Going back to the town my parents grew up in. No, they told me, not a town. A village. A village on the river. A village on the border, on the brink of war.

No, I told them, I won’t go. There has to be a way to fix this problem. Tax issues aren’t rare. People have survived those without getting kicked out. No, I said, I won’t let us go. Falling into the middle of war? It’s not safe. Is this your attempt at being patriotic? Aren’t you worried at all?

Nonsense, they told me, this is something we’ve been meaning to do anyway. You need to know about your own culture instead of rotting in this foreign land. We’re going, they said, we don’t have the ability to fight the government. You’re thinking only of yourself. Our people have always made peace. There won’t be a war, you’ll see.

None of my friends understood. They were sad that I would leave, but I was devastated. They were losing one person, one replaceable face in the crowd. I was losing everything and everyone I had ever known. Not even my boyfriend heard what I was trying to tell him.

“You’re going back?” he asked me, his voice a hushed whisper. “You’re not serious?”

I nodded, eyes teary. “That’s what they’re telling me.”

He shook his head disbelievingly. “You’re so lucky.”

My mouth fell open. “You’re calling me lucky? Have you gone insane?”

“You wouldn’t understand!” he exclaimed. “All those things my father tells us, regretting that he brought us here and spoiled us…but he’s never had the courage to actually pack up and leave. Ah, the stories he tells!” He had a wistful look on his face. “Sometimes they make me wish I was there.”

I swallowed my grief down, but tears spilled over anyway. “I can’t believe you would say that. You’re just like everyone else. Is that all I am?”

“Hey, darling, no, don’t cry.” He gently wiped away the droplets running down. “I know. But don’t you see how great this is? This adventure you’re going to be part of?” I seized his shirt and fisted the material in my hands.

“No! Why can’t you understand?” I begged, tear tracks staining my cheeks. “Don’t you care about me? About…” Us, I wanted to say. Don’t you love me? There were so many things I wanted to tell him, so much I wanted to ask, so many things I wanted to yell out at him, in his face, into the void. But we were in the neighbourhood, other people already looking around to see what the commotion was.

“Darling, I do,” he said, glancing around quickly, his way of telling me that I was being too loud, too open about what was happening between us, too much to harm his image. “I do care about you. But you know there’s nothing I can do about it. You know I’m barely scraping through as it is.”

I wrung my hands. “But—“

“Listen, I don’t know why or how your family got yourselves involved in this—this tax fraud? I don’t know. But I don’t have even two dollars to lend you, sweetheart, you know that. I have no connections. I can’t afford a lawyer.” He sighed, running his hands through his hair.

My mouth parted. “I’m not even asking you for mon—“

“Darling. Please. I understand. You’re worried, you’re upset, this is unfair, I know.” He gripped my shoulders. “Your parents aren’t half as worried, though, are they?” I reluctantly shook my head. “They know what’s best for you. And it’s not forever. You’ll come back someday. Or I’ll finally pick myself up and move there. But this is such a great opportunity for you. Don’t let it go. Listen to them. I’ll write to you. I promise.”

The walk home was depressing. I realized that I had no one to lean on. No one to trust. I would fight this on my own.

“Good work, today, everyone! Pack up!” Sunho-ssi’s shout was balm to my poor ears. I collapsed onto a chair as soon as I walked out of sight of the cameras. Jaehyun fell into the next one soon after.

“You’re really good, you know?” I remarked. He turned red despite how flushed his face already was.

“Look who’s talking. You cry so convincingly. I wanted to break character and hug you so badly,” he replied, the tips of his ears turning adorably pink as he finished the sentence.

“Give me a hug now then, I could use it.” I stretched my arms out toward him and he hesitantly embraced me. I rubbed his back soothingly. “You’re comfortable. I like you.” Ignoring the spluttering I heard by my ear, I murmured, “Let’s go get something to eat, I’m starved.”

“Wait, where’s Hyunwoo?” Jaehyun asked, noticing that the big guy wasn’t anywhere near us. I shrugged, not intending to make a scene out of it. To be honest, I was sort of glad that I wasn’t restricting him. I wanted him to be happy. I was the one who urged him to let go of the job and move to New York. I wanted him to be living on his terms for once and I felt so guilty for making him have to stick by my side again.

“It’s okay, he might have gone home for a while.” I nudged him in the ribs. “He must have trusted you enough.” Laughing at the look on his face, I stood up, taking his hand and pulled him over to the vehicles with the rest of the crew.

Unfortunately, the only car that had vacant seats was Seulgi’s. I assumed they had come to set to ask for input or to analyse the scene. I wasn’t going to ask what they did when they were working. I really didn’t want to share with those two, but Jaehyun saw his favourite hyung and dragged me along at once.

Seulgi smiled at me and moved to the side, looking at Mr. Tomatohead pleadingly, who rolled his eyes and vaulted into the cramped backseat. Jae and I slid into the middle, squeezing me in between. I was very much aware that there was a certain man breathing down my neck, but I tried not to think about it. I was also very much aware that Jaehyun was still holding my hand.

“Hey hyung!” Jaehyun said cheerfully, twisting around to face the tomato, surprisingly still not letting go of my hand. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that Seulgi’s gaze rested on our intertwined fingers and she smirked.

�� “Hello, Jaehyun,” he replied dully, not using a nickname. Jaehyun’s face fell and he looked down at me, briefly. I winced at him apologetically and he turned back around in his seat, choosing instead to look out the window.

“How’s the shooting going?” Seulgi asked politely (I knew her, but I didn’t know her like that), just to make some small talk to break the awkwardness on our side of the car.

“It’s going well,” I answered, seizing the chance. “Jae’s such a great actor. He’s fun working with. I’m glad he got the part.”

“Stop it,” Jaehyun interjected, his ears going red again. “I’m not that great.”

I squeezed his fingers. “Yeah, you are.” He tugged at his collar, unbuttoning it. It was so funny to see how flustered he got when he was complimented. I laughed at him.

I missed the look Seulgi gave the man seated behind me.

Four weeks. Four weeks since we had arrived. Four weeks since I met Jaehyun and he decided to stick by my side all the time. Hyunwoo’s job was a lot easier, but he still hung around on the periphery most of the time.

After Jae was brushed off in the car that day, he seemed distant towards Taeyong, though he claimed they had patched things up back in their room. I was upset that I’d gotten in between two best friends, but that guilt always dissipated when I remembered what a jerk Taeyong was being anyway. Needless to say, Yeol wasn’t that ecstatic that I’d temporarily awarded Jae with the best friend title. But Jae was just so…fun.

High energy stinkball. That’s what he was. In the best way, of course. If you needed a jock, I had one ready for you. That’s what he was in the politest sense of the term. And I loved it. I felt nothing for him in the romance department. Not at all. It wasn’t just because he had idol-zoned me as soon as he met me, but his mannerisms and his energy gave me the impression that I was playing with some puppy, that I was taking care of a kid. I felt that instinctively, like he was someone to be mothered, to be adopted. So that’s what I did.

I thought about it, so many times. I stayed awake some nights thinking about what Jaehyun meant to me and what I wanted from him, if I even wanted anything at all. I wasn’t about to jump headfirst into a relationship, not after what happened not too long ago. I wasn’t ready, at least not by my own standards. My biggest problem was that I had no clue what Jaehyun thought of me. But I realized what I thought of him, one clear night on the roof. People say that you know the exact moment you realize you’re in love with someone, but I never knew that I would be able to pinpoint that moment I realize I’m not in love.

I had knocked on Jaehyun’s door in the dead of night, after calling him and telling him to get dressed and come out. He obeyed, rubbing his eyes blearily and yawning.

“What is it?” he pouted. “It’s one in the morning. Why aren’t you asleep?”

I frowned. I thought he would have been more excited at the idea of a midnight escapade. “Follow me. I want to show you something.” I led him to the elevators and we rode until the top floor. I pulled his whining self, up a set of stairs and through a door that opened onto the roof.

He shivered as the cool air hit him. “What are we doing up here?”

I spread out a blanket I had nicked from Yeol’s room. “Shooting stars.”

“Huh?”

I gestured for him to lay down. Making myself comfortable, I pointed up at the night sky. “If we wait enough, we’ll probably see a shooting star.”

“Why—“ he ground his teeth and broke off. “Okay.”

I winced. I knew he was tired and I should feel guilty about it, but I wanted him to be with me to look for shooting stars. I didn’t speak for a while, biting my lip. I listened to my own breathing and his beside me. It was relaxing, in a way. The days were hot and humid but the nights were absolutely wonderful. Being on the roof of such a high building made me feel that much closer to the moon. I watched the twinkling of the little dots in the sky, remembering the reasons for it that I learned in grade school. The flashing red light from a plane moved across my field of vision. I wondered for a moment where it was going. It might have been hours, or minutes. I saw a streak of light flash by.

“There!” I exclaimed, lifting myself up on my elbow and pointing. “Did you see that?” Silence. I looked over at Jaehyun with a brilliant smile on my face. He was sleeping peacefully, unaware of anything that had just happened. I sighed.

The thought came out of nowhere. I like him as just a friend. He’s just like Chanyeol. And then I was speechless at my own conclusion. I’m not in love with him. He was a good person to kill some time with, not to share emotion with. Someone I was in love with…I’d want to share beauty with them, appreciate aesthetic with them.

And then I remembered a night journey, months ago, wind whipping through my hair, a mask over my face and a blue glow from behind trees. I remembered a heartfelt talk, the whispers and expressive eyes.

And then I thought, Taeyong is asleep in the same room I pulled Jaehyun out from. I brought the wrong person with me.

And then, I wish Taeyong didn’t hate me. I‘m going to apologize for whatever I did, even if I don’t know what it is.

It was relatively easy, to shake Jae awake, forgive him for sleeping over his ‘sorry’s, and to haul his drowsy self downstairs to his room. What wasn’t easy was to be greeted by Taeyong’s sour face opening the door, his muttering as he let me in to dump Jae on his bed and the feeling of his eyes on me as I reluctantly walked towards the door, his hand already on the knob, ready to lock me out.

“Taeyong.” His name left my tongue in breathless whisper that made him tense up. I looked at him, desperate. “Please don’t be like this.”

“You should leave.” He wasn’t having it.

“Taeyong…ssi. I’m sorry.” I noticed how his expression changed at my apology. “I’ve clearly done something to hurt you. And I’m sorry, but I don’t know what it is. I don’t remember. Whatever it is, I’m so sorry. This—whatever is going on between us, I can’t take it anymore. I’m sorry.”

His shoulders slumped as if he had been carrying the weight of the world on them and finally set it down somewhere. “You don’t remember.” It wasn’t a question. It seemed to be addressed to himself, as if he had just realized something. “Of course you don’t remember. I thought—“ he broke off, shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter. You should leave.”

“Taeyong—“

“I’m sorry, too, Y/N. But you need to go and sleep. Please. It’s late. We can talk…in the morning.” He bowed his head and, recognizing defeat, I walked out of the room. I was so caught up with the thoughts in my own head and my bitter disappointment that it didn’t register that their door closed only after I closed mine.

After the next day’s shoot, I sat in a chair in the hotel lobby with Seulgi, waiting for Jaehyun to come inside. I hadn’t seen Taeyong all day.

“You’re waiting for Wendy to come down, I guess?” I asked her. She nodded.

“Yeah. She wanted to go see the Empire State Building and I said I’d go with her.” She shook back her hair. I envied how she maintained it so well, but I didn’t dare say that out loud.

“You don’t know where…Taeyong is…do you?” I tried to sound as casual as possible, as if I hadn’t avoided him for the last month. I must have missed her change in tone, but I caught her little smile. My eyebrows creased, alarms going off in my head.

“I haven’t seen him. We don’t have practice today.”

“Ah. Thanks anyway.” I directed my gaze outside the full length glass windows, thinking about her change in mannerisms. Does Seulgi like Taeyong? Wendy did say she wouldn’t stop talking about him. My eyes fell on Jaehyun and I almost stood up to wave at him, but then I saw Hyunwoo pulling him aside and whispering to him. That was something I had never seen. Since when were they so close? Hyunwoo strode indoors to the elevators without sparing me a glance. Oh, he meant business.

The sofa dipped as Jae plopped down next to me, yawning.

“Why does Hyunwoo look like he’s going to kick someone’s ass?”

He shrugged. “Shownu hyung? I dunno. He told me to keep you here and not let you come upstairs until he calls you.”

“Why? What the hell. Also, wait, Shownu? Only Minhyuk and his other friends call him that. How…?”

“I’m just a friendly guy. Seulgi, right?” Jaehyun reached around me to shake her hand. “Jaehyun. Taeyong’s told me quite a lot about you. He says your dancing is pretty impressive.” He wiggled his eyebrows. I stared at him in disgust.

She blushed. “He’s exaggerating. I’m not that good. Have you seen him dance?”

I tuned them out. I absolutely did not need to hear about this. Also, is this Jaehyun when he flirts? He’s doing pretty well. I’ve never seen him like that. That means he doesn’t see me like that. Right? That’s a relief. I wouldn’t want to break his heart.

My phone buzzed. “”Hyunwoo’s calling.” I slid my finger over the answer button. “Hello?”

Two sentences. “Come to Chanyeol’s room. Don’t bring Jaehyun.” And then he hung up.

“What did he say?” He asked curiously.

I stood up, smoothening my shirt. “To go to Yeol’s room and not bring you.”

He looked momentarily offended but then stretched, eyes shifting to Seulgi. “Yeah, okay. That’s cool with me.”

Okay, he definitely wasn’t in love with me.

I knocked on Chanyeol’s door twice before I heard Hyunwoo’s voice say ‘just come in already’. Bewildered, I stepped inside and found Yeol and Wendy both standing there, heads bowed, looking positively guilty. Hyunwoo—Shownu?—standing there with his arms crossed only confused me more. I’ll be honest and I wasn’t proud of it, but the scene looked like Hyunwoo had just caught the two of them in the act. Against my will, my eyes slid to the bed. It wasn’t rumpled.

“…What’s going on?” I asked cautiously. “You two look like you murdered someone.”

There was no answer. Hyunwoo cleared his throat loudly and threateningly.

“Are you two going to speak up or should I?”

“Yeollie, what’s wrong?” I spoke gently. He flinched, still not looking up at me. My heart began to pound. Something was seriously wrong. Chanyeol was not responding to me. I shifted my focus. “Wendy? What’s the matter?”

She clenched her fists. “We…um. We know why Taeyong is mad at you.”

Silence.

Several thoughts ran through my mind. They found out why he’s mad at me? Is that why I didn’t see him at all today? Because he was telling them what happened? But why would he tell them? Did they interrogate him for it? Did they finally get tired of my moping? Is the reason so bad that they can’t even tell me? Have I done something terrible? Oh my gosh, what is it?

“You guys found out why he’s mad at me?”

Yeol opened his mouth the answer, but Hyunwoo cut him off. “No, they already knew why he’s mad at you. They’ve known this whole time.”

My mouth fell open. “What? What do you mean?” I turned to Chanyeol. “Yeol, he’s not serious, is he? You wouldn’t keep something like that from me…right?” His silence was answer enough.

“I—“ I tugged at my hair, frustrated. “But…why is he mad at me? What did I do?”

“You kissed him.”

If I hadn’t seen Wendy’s lips move, I wouldn’t have believed those words. Actually, scratch that. I saw her lips move, and I still didn’t believe her.

“What do you mean, I kissed him?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know any more.

She took a deep breath. “That night at the party. You got shitfaced and you…you called him on the phone and said you wanted him and so I grabbed it from you and asked him to come pick you up.” She fiddled nervously. “And when he came, you kissed him. Really...went for it.”

I stood there, speechless. No way that happened. She has to be joking. I wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t let me do that.

“Come on guys,” I said, voice lighthearted at first but faltering when I saw no change of expression. “That can’t be…true. Can it?” They hung their heads again. “How—How do you know?”

“I saw it,” Wendy mumbled.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“We didn’t want you to get hurt.”

“And Yeol? I thought you were as drunk as I was. If I didn’t remember, how did you?”

“I didn’t.” He swallowed hard. “Wendy told me.”

“When?” The word emerged as a harsh whisper, my anger and guilt slowly building.

“The next day.”

And then I exploded.

“So both of you knew about it? This is what you’ve been talking about behind my back? You really had the nerve to keep this from me, I can’t believe you! You didn’t even have the decency to let me know what I did! Just because I don’t remember doesn’t mean he doesn’t either! I could have at least apologized to him even if I didn’t remember! Why would you tell him to come pick me up? His sister was having a baby that night and he was with her, he told me that before he left and I promised him, I promised him that he wouldn’t have to come and then I went and ruined his life! Don’t you see how disturbed he was? Couldn’t you have stopped me? I don’t blame him for hating me, what have I done?! Of course he hates me, who wouldn’t? Don’t you have any idea what I’ve been going through every time I see him? How much negativity I’ve been carrying around? That doesn’t feel nice, you know! I can’t believe I would do something so stupid but at least you could have warned me…

I didn’t stay to listen to their apologies.

I hesitated for a moment before knocking on the door that I had stood outside that morning at one o’clock.

“Y/N! Hey, come in, what did Shownu hyung want? What did he say? He kick anybody’s ass? Ooh, was it Chanyeol—“

“Jae.” I cut off the steady stream of words that flowed from his mouth, my eyes trained on the lean red-haired man standing behind him, frozen. Damn, couldn’t the boy be quiet for once? “Could you give us a minute?”

Jaehyun looked from me to Taeyong. “Um. Okay?”

When the door clicked into place, he looked up at me. Again, I was mesmerized by him. I never paid so much attention, but his hair colour really brought out his sharp features.

“Taeyong-ssi,” I began carefully. “I’m very sorry.”

He smiled sadly, wearily. “For what? I’ve forgiven you.”

“No.” I jerked my thumb over my shoulder at the door. “They told me.”

“What?”

“They told me what happened at the party. They say I…kissed you. Is that true?”

His expression morphed into apprehension, quickly returning to his usual stoic face. “Yes.”

I buried my face in my hands. “God, Taeyong, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. It was a mistake, you were drunk—“

“It’s not that inexcusable, Taeyong, please,” I begged. “You’ve only ever been professional and I went and destroyed that for you, I don’t blame you for resigning, I don’t blame you for hating me, I don’t even—“

“I don’t hate you.”

“—can even stand to look at me—wait, what?” He cracked a little smile. “You don’t hate me?”

He shook his head, red locks falling into his eyes. “I was a little uncomfortable, I admit, but no, I don’t hate you.”

I couldn’t speak for a few moments. “You should hate me, I would hate myself, I mean, it’s not even that I kissed you, I promised you that you didn’t have to come to pick me up, your sister just had a baby and you should have been there for her and I had to be stupid and get drunk and ruin everything—mmphf!” My rant was cut short by his arms wrapping around me, burying my face in his chest and feeling the warmth of his body.

“I said I forgive you, Y/N.”

Did I mention the butterflies I felt for some reason? And the way he said my name?

“…Taeyong?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re not my bodyguard anymore, right?”

“I’m not.”

“You’re not working for me anymore. You’re working with me. So can’t we be friends?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’d like that.”

“And you didn’t even tell me about it?” Jaehyun sounded scandalized. “I thought I was your best friend!” He huffed, crossing his arms. “I can’t believe you right now.”

“Just because you’re my best friend doesn’t mean I have to tell you everything,” Taeyong protested. We had brought Jae back inside after our conversation, to explain it to him as well.

“That’s what a best friend is, hyung! You got kissed by an award-winning actor and you didn’t even say anything?” He smacked his face. “I would have broadcasted it.”

“Well, I guess it’s a good thing I never kissed you,” I told him.

“Aw hey, come on, I’m not a bad kisser or anything.” He puckered his lips. “Wanna see?”

I pushed him away. “No. Keep your tongue in your own mouth.” I checked my watch. “I’d better get going before this doofus kisses me for real. See you guys later.”

“Y/N, Y/N, Y/N, come here” was all I heard before I was yanked into an empty corridor a week later to see Jae in front of me, panting and looking both ways furtively.

“What? What is it?” I asked, nearly panicking. “Did something happen?”

“Yes,” he stressed, laying a hand over his heaving chest. “My heart is broken.”

“Oh for the love of—grow up, Jae!” I shouted, shoving him. He clapped a hand over my mouth.

“I’m serious, Y/N. I need your help.”

I pried his hand away. “For what?”

“Listen. Haven’t you been noticing something going on with Tae and Seulgi?”

That certainly caught my attention. “What are you hinting at?”

“They spend all their time together nowadays. It’s like they’re dating.” I couldn’t control the way my heart sank at his words.

“You think they’re dating?”

“No, but I don’t think it’s far off.” He ran a hand through his hair. “She knows I like her, she’s doing this on purpose.”

“Seulgi?”

“Yeah. So I’m going to make her jealous. And then beat Taeyong’s ass—sorry, hyung—for helping her plot something against me.”

“I don’t know how well that’s going to turn out, but yeah, sure, go for it. What do you need my help for?” His eyes glinted evilly. “Oh hell no. Jae. No. N. O. I am not going to—“

“How sweet, you act like you have a choice.” He grinned as if he knew every dark secret in my mind. “You’re going to help me and that’s that. Get ready. We start today.”

Weakly, I asked, “What am I supposed to do?”

“Act like I’m your boyfriend. Here, I’ll give you an example.” And then he pressed his lips to mine, just as two people rounded the corner. He jumped away from me in pretend shock, like he’d just been caught. My shock, however, was real. 100% real. I brought my hand up to cover my mouth.

“Hyung!” Jae said loudly. “What, what are you doing here?”

Taeyong crossed his arms, irritation on his face. “Better question is what you were doing.”

Heat crept up my cheeks. This was already a bad idea. I chanced a glance at Seulgi. She didn’t seem upset at all. On the contrary, she looked happy. As if she had been rooting for me and Jae to get together. I noticed how her arm was linked with Taeyong’s. I frowned inwardly, jealousy ripping through my veins. But why am I jealous? I’m supposed to be helping Jae get with Seulgi. It seems like she’s already with Taeyong. Are they a thing now? Is this official? When did this happen?

“It was just—nothing, hyung.” Jaehyun was still weaving his web of lies. “Remember how I said I wasn’t a bad kisser? I was just proving my point. We’re not, like, dating, or anything.”

Taeyong stared hard at Jae, eyes sliding toward Seulgi and then he smirked, like he was saying, I see what game you’re playing. I can see right through you. He took a step toward Jae. In a low voice that Seulgi couldn’t hear, he spoke: “I’m not a petty fool like you are. Know when to draw the line. Grow up, Jae.”

All I could hear was, try all you want, Jae, your girl is mine. And for some reason, it broke my heart. I inhaled sharply as the two of them walked off down the corridor. Jae stared at them, dismayed and I sunk to the floor.

“Whoa, hey, Y/N, you okay?” He knelt beside me. “Am I that great a kisser?” I pushed him. “No, but really, I’m sorry I kissed you just like that. I knew they were coming down the hall. You okay? You don’t look so good.”

I shook my head. “I just realized that I don’t like seeing them together.”

He squinted at me. “Why? You have a thing for Tae hyung or something?”

“Wha—no!” I spluttered. “It’s just, I—you and Seulgi look better together.”

“Oh. Thanks.” He sat down against the wall next to me. “I’m meddling again. I just hope things turn out okay.”

Jealousy. Burning rage coursed through me whenever I saw the two of them together, fawning over each other, Seulgi kissing him on the cheek, making little inside jokes and giggling about it to each other…the list seemed endless. It almost seemed as if Seulgi was doing all that to spite Jaehyun—as if both of them were in a battle to make each other snap. But I felt like I was the one hurting the most. Were they even dating? Or was this Seulgi’s plan to crush Jae’s advances? I wanted to know the truth.

“Is Seulgi dating Taeyong?” I demanded, slamming my fist down on Chanyeol’s desk. He jumped at the vibrations, startled at being disturbed from his work. He slid his headphones off, letting them hang around his neck, the picture of professionalism.

“Did you say something?”

“Is Seulgi dating Taeyong?”

He scoffed. “Seulgi? Dating Taeyong? Don’t be silly.”

“Then explain what’s happening between them! They do everything together.”

He leaned back in his chair. “I’m her favourite oppa. I’m pretty sure she would tell me—“ I raised my eyebrows at him “—or at least Wendy—if they were a thing.”

I was sceptical. “I don’t believe you.”

“Look, I—here.” He pulled out his phone and dialled her number. “I’m calling her. On speaker.” The other end of the line rang.

“Hello? Oppa?”

“Hey, Seulgi-yah. I have a question for you. Are you dating that kid in your choreo team? What’s his name? Taeyong?”

“Taeyong? No, I’m not dating him. Why do you ask?”

“Nothing, nothing, just some rumors flying around.”

“Ah, oppa, you know I’d tell you if I was.” Yeol flashed me a smug smile. I rolled my eyes.

“Thanks anyway, Seulgi-yah. I’ll let you practice now.” He hung up. “See? I told you it was nothing.”

“I still find it highly suspicious.”

“You know what I find suspicious?” He pointed his pencil at me. “I find it suspicious that you care so much about this.”

I knew where this was going. “I care because Jaehyun really likes her and I wanted him to be happy, but she’s always with Taeyong.”

Yeol smirked. “And it’s not because you’re in love with Taeyong, right?”

“I’m not in love with Taeyong!” I said hotly, kicking the legs of his desk.

“Your voice got higher. You’re in denial.”

I coughed. “I’m not in love with Taeyong,” I repeated, deepening my sound.

“I’m not in love with Taeyong,” He mocked. “You totally are. Just go tell him.”

“I’m not! You’re supposed to be on my side!”

But he was right. I was in denial.

Even as I held Jae’s hand, I wished it was Taeyong. When Jae came over to my room specifically when the duo was nearby, to cuddle or watch a movie, I wished it was Taeyong. When I posted something cheesy on my social media, people erupted, gushing about how cute it was that I was still thinking of Kai despite being busy in the States with shooting. Jaehyun would comment later (within earshot of the other two) that it was nice of me to say that about him. But it was about Taeyong. I wished it could be about Taeyong. When I lay in bed unable to sleep and wanting to see the stars, I crept out of my room to the roof. Alone. And saw nothing. And then my heart ached so badly that I wished desperately that Taeyong was with me. When Jae spent the night in my room, holding his hands up in surrender, promising me that he wouldn’t try anything, and when we fell asleep on the couch, I wished it was Taeyong.

He was right. I was in love.

But when had that happened? I realized it because of sheer jealousy. But when had I actually fallen in love? Throughout these twists and turns, from the first time I laid eyes on him in an elevator to when he became my bodyguard to now, when he swung off another girl in New York—somewhere, somehow, along the way, my heart had decided that it wanted to be with him.

“Holy shit,” I whispered, breath shaking. “I’m in love with him.”

Chanyeol would yell at me. He would tease me and tell me that he had been saying that all along. Kai wouldn’t. And he didn’t. My boyfriend, in the public eye, at least, listened quietly as I went into a rant about everything that happened and what I felt about it. And then, what I was afraid of. I was in tears by the end. Kai was patient. Kai was sympathetic. Kai could relate. His support made me feel so upset with myself and I had to apologize for not calling as often as I should have. But he forgave me. And that day, when the sun had set outside his dorm window, light filtered into mine.

“You don’t need to be upset or insecure because of Chang Wook,” he told me. “He saw that you were smitten without him having to do anything, and he took that chance. And then he had to give it up. That doesn’t mean you are incapable of being loved. I can’t answer whether you were in love with him or if it was idol-infatuation. Only you can say that. But right now, he’s not the one you want to be next to, is he?” I could hear him smiling on the other end. “You’re not going too fast. Life is meant to be lived. If you’ve found the person you want, there’s no right or wrong in it. It’s only whether you get up and do something about it, or let him slip away.” But what about us? I wanted to ask. What about the agency? What will they say? He understood. “Both of us love other people. But more than anyone else, Y/N, I love you and I want you to be happy. Get back in Korea and we’re going to take things into our own hands. We’re still people. We make our own decisions. We don’t have to tell them we found love, just that we don’t find it in each other. But now, I think you should go tell Yeol.”

“He’s going to make fun of me.”

“He won’t. He can support you now, when I can’t. Go to him.”

Chanyeol didn’t yell at me. He didn’t say I told you so. He didn’t smirk and he didn’t taunt. Uncharacteristically. But I was still grateful. I didn’t need to know that I had been wrong and he had been right. Our conversation was very brief. I told him that I’d come to my senses and he gripped my shoulders, taking a deep breath.

“Go tell him, you fool!” he shouted into my face. “Why the heck are you in my room?”

Taeyong was inside his room, I knew it. This is it, I thought. This is where everything turns out okay or where everything burns to ashes. And this time, I don’t think it will be fixed.

I lifted my hand to knock, but faltered when I heard voices.

“Jung Jaehyun, you take this too far!”

I gasped at the ferocity in his voice. Who knew Taeyong could be this scary?

“What did I do now?” I couldn’t believe the sass in Jae’s tone. If I had been in his place, I would have vaporized on the spot.

“You slept in Y/N’s room last night?”

Wait, why am I being dragged into this? Why does Taeyong care? Jae did that to make Seulgi jealous…right?

“Yeah. I did. Why do you care so much, hyung?” There was a teasing lilt to his voice that I couldn’t quite place.

Silence. “Don’t play this game, Jaehyun.”

“You started it. I didn’t.”

Game? Started what game?

“I only agreed to it because Seulgi came to me saying that she liked you but you were always with Y/N and she wanted me to help make you jealous.”

The familiar words rang a bell. Wait. Wait. What’s going on? Isn’t that the same thing Jae told me? That he wanted my help making Seulgi jealous?

“Huh. So you did start it. You got with Seulgi to make me upset, so I got with Y/N to make her upset. Where do you come in all this, hyung? What’s got you so tied up?”

So that’s why Jaehyun said all that. Okay, that makes sense.

“You know why.”

“No, hyung, I don’t. You’re not willing to admit it, you don’t want to go and do something about it, so why should I bother?”

I felt the tension build up, the air suddenly change. The fight had just gotten a lot more personal. I really shouldn’t be eavesdropping.

“Hyung, just admit it and I’ll back off.”

“Why do I need to admit anything? You already know about it! When I agreed to Seulgi’s plan, I didn’t think it would hurt me so much.”

I could relate. I could totally relate—wait. What?

“Why does it hurt you, hyung?” Jaehyun was fully mocking him now. I was terrified at his change in behaviour. I told myself the only reason I was still standing outside listening was to dash in if a fistfight broke out. “What part about me staying the night at Y/N’s, don’t you like? Huh? What part about me and Y/N kissing gets you so angry? Or better yet, what was the real reason you resigned that night after Y/N kissed you? Answer that, hyung?”

The words hit me forcefully. I imagined they did for him too. I staggered.

“It’s okay, hyung.” Jae’s voice was softer. “Just admit it.”

“I’m in love with Y/N.”

I clapped my hands over my mouth. The voices in my head muted. My traitor of a heartbeat picked up speed.

“That’s all there was to it, hyung. Just one sentence. Do you know how hard Seulgi and I worked for this? God, we drew blueprints for our plans and everything. You’re so dense.”

I couldn’t think anymore, but Taeyong’s renewed fury summed up my feelings pretty well. “Wait, you two planned this? So you don’t like each other?”

“Seulgi’s a great friend to have, hyung. That’s all. We’re not into each other like that.”

For a long moment, nobody spoke. I raised my hand weakly and knocked twice.

The door swung open. Jae.

From his expression, it was clear he understood that I heard everything. He pulled the door open wider.

“Thank me later, hyung. I just saved you both a lot of embarrassment.”

My eyes were only on Taeyong. Even though my face was burning and his finally matched his hair, I couldn’t seem to take my eyes off of him.

By impulse, my feet propelled me forward at the same his did.

Cliché, I know, but kissing Taeyong was better than anything I could have come up with. And trust me, I spent a lot of time imagining what it would be like to kiss him, what it had been like the night of the party, wishing I just remembered for once, because his lips were dry, his breathing was hot and heavy and his body suffocating.

Kissing Taeyong wasn’t just a punch of desire straight to my gut. It was the weight lifted off my chest. It was a soothing chill to my continuously aching heart. It was the fireworks, the bursting sense of bliss that threatened to escape my body, but it was also the calmness, the peace of the sea that had devoured the ship at last.

Kissing Taeyong wasn’t the spring breeze and the summer sun. It wasn’t the winter sky or the autumn leaves. It was nothing that existed in the plane of reality that my words could describe. For the first time, I was grateful that I couldn’t remember the party, because this was as great of a first kiss as I was going to get.

Kissing Taeyong was light-headedness, as if my brain couldn’t handle what was going on, as if my pounding heart was pumping the wrong way. I couldn’t think at all. It was just me and him, and his lips, over and over again. It was just his hands on my waist and mine in his hair and the pressure of his fingers and the coarseness under my own.

He pulled away first and I rested my forehead on his shoulder, dizzy, knees weak. I didn't trust myself to speak. Or move, for that matter. His face was buried in my neck, his breathing heavier than mine. My hands clung onto his arms. His were still around me.

Neither of us spoke. Neither of us needed to. But—

“Woohoo. Fucking finally. When’s the wedding?”

“Jae, just get out.”

“Kai and I have an announcement to make.”

The room burst into whispers.

“Y/N and I are not dating. We never were. We apologize for deceiving the public, but we cannot hide this any longer. We are best friends. Nothing more. We will not be answering questions. Sorry for the inconvenience. Thank you all for coming.”

Epilogue

“Jesus, this party is so boring,” Jae complained, empty glass in hand. “Why do promo if the parties aren’t worth anything?”

“Are you being serious right now? I can literally see three shades of lipstick under your collar.” I teased him, poking at his neck.

“Don’t do that. There’s nothing there,” he drawled. His attention was diverted by a waiter passing by with a tray of drinks. In a flash, he had swapped out his glass with a filled one.

“You are going to get drunk at this rate,” I remarked. “And then there will definitely be three shades of lipstick on your collar and in several other places.”

Downing half his drink, he stamped his foot. “It was one time, okay? Give it a rest. I’m a changed man.”

“You’re already scoping out the ladies here.”

He turned to me, arm raised as if to punch me in the face, but a hand grabbed his and yanked it down.

“Are you trying to pick a fight here, bro? Lay off.” I smiled sweetly at the welcome intervention. “Don’t touch Y/N.”

“Hey, I was just playing, hyung. You know I won’t do anything.” He finished his drink.

“Yeah, yeah. Thanks for sticking around. You go and find a hook-up now.” Jae didn’t need asking twice. He was lost in the crowd in an instant. I smiled fondly, despite his rashness. “The fame went straight to his head, didn’t it?” I returned my attention to the person who had just arrived.

“Hi,” I whispered in Taeyong’s ear, hooking my arms around his neck.

“No,” he replied, freeing himself from my embrace. “Paparazzi.” I pouted. He glanced quickly around the room, bent down and pecked my lips. It was over way too soon. I whined. Squeezing my thigh, he lowered his voice. “Be patient, baby. Wait until we get back to your room.” If I said his voice didn’t send a jolt of arousal through me, I would be a dirty liar.

“Hm. Okay.” I let the matter drop for the moment. “Promise?”

“Of course.” Our fingers intertwined underneath the table. “I’ll take care of you, baby. I’ll always protect you.”

fin.

A/N: dont @ me im sorry about how awful this is i just wanted to finish it

16 notes · View notes

vitalmindandbody · 7 years ago

Text

Mamadou Sakho: ‘Whatever they say or do, they cannot replace what they took away from me’

In an exclusive interview, the Liverpool defender who is on loan at Crystal Palace, talks for the first time about his devastation at missing out on Euro 2016, what he did during his ban and his future

For Mamadou Sakho, there is no satisfaction to be had in vindication. He has known for over a year he had done nothing wrong, and that the fat burner containing higenamine, for which he tested positive after helping Liverpool to Europa League progress beyond Manchester United, was not included on the World Anti-Doping Agencys prohibited list. Uefa had admitted as much last July before, in the first section of a 104-page dossier released this week by its control, ethics and disciplinary body, the blame game over the players ban degenerated into petty finger-pointing between the governing body and Wada.

The real victim, the man who had been denied involvement in a cup final and a place in the host nations squad at Euro 2016, can only watch as the bickering shames the authorities. I worked so hard to prepare myself for the European Championship, to help my country, to wear the France shirt in a tournament on home soil, says Sakho. Now Ill never do that. Whatever they say or do, they cannot replace what they took away from me. My lawyer can see what happens next but, for me, I focus on other things. I have learned in life you should never look back over your shoulder, wondering what might have been. That is the past. Always look forward, at the next challenge. Its life. Good and bad things happen, but my mentality is always to try and find a positive. It is the only way to be and, today, I am really happy.

The last 13 months have tested that admirable mindset but, while his circumstances have shifted dramatically, Sakho is not one for changing. He is sitting in a backroom at The Hoxton, a hotel in east Londons trendy Shoreditch, a Crystal Palace loanee whose impact at Selhurst Park has helped wrest five wins from seven matches to ease Sam Allardyces team away from the condemned. A player more used to competing at the top end of a division has been a colossus a leader and organiser, a warrior and inspiration delivering everything Palace hoped he might. He has already achieved cult status among his adopted supporters, just as he had back at his parent club. On Sunday at Anfield, where he will be ineligible, he will watch on from the stands with both teams potentially, if privately, wishing they had him to plug the Sakho-shaped holes in their respective defences.

He admits to finding that scenario awkward, as if uncertain where his loyalties should lie, but it is just the latest twist to an unconventional year. Some of his setbacks have been self-inflicted perceived tardiness on Liverpools pre-season tour of the United States, for which he apologised and was fined, helped fracture his relationship with Jrgen Klopp but it was that routine drug test and the assessment of his urine sample undertaken at a Wada-accredited laboratory in Cologne which had nudged his career on its unexpected course. Sakho has never denied taking the product which contained higenamine and, after liaising with Liverpool, voluntarily made himself unavailable once Wada flagged up the positive test. Uefa would ban him for 30 days pending its own investigations, inquiries which ultimately saw it query whether higenamine should even be considered a prohibited beta2-agonist.

The centre-halfs last appearance for Liverpool had been as a goalscorer in a 4-0 victory over Everton. Less than a week earlier he had scored his sides equaliser in that staggering Europa League quarter-final comeback over Borussia Dortmund. Sitting out what followed fuelled frustration and anger, born of a feeling of helplessness.

But for me, the hardest moment was when I saw my Mum, my sister, my brother, my wife in tears they didnt understand the situation, says Sakho. That was difficult, seeing them upset. They were devastated, but I was there trying to explain to them I had done nothing wrong, and that everything would be alright. It would all be fixed. I was actually quite calm, quite peaceful, and just trying to reassure them. It was a time for me to be strong, and those who are close to me had faith. We knew that, eventually, I would be proved right.

Crystal Palace won their first four games with Mamadou Sakho in the team, including the victory at Stamford Bridge over Chelsea. Photograph: PPAUK/REX/Shutterstock

He would be, but not before he had sat out the Europa League final, where Sevilla eventually overran Liverpool, and been overlooked for Frances squad for the summers championships. Missing out on a home tournament, whose showpiece would be staged just across the Parisian pripherique from where he grew up in Goutte dOr, was cruel. Uefas disciplinary body would absolve him of any fault just 48 hours before the final. I knew the ban meant I could not be picked, so I spoke with the manager Didier Deschamps and promised I would come to Frances first game, and to their last game too, and that I hoped that would be the final. It was. I visited the team hotel in Paris the day before the final to show my support. My ambition is still to play for my country at the World Cup in 2018, and regain my place.

During that whole period I spent time with my family, and with my charity [AMSAK] in Senegal and Ivory Coast. I know I have been lucky in my life and can give something back. We visited an orphanage, a school for deaf and dumb children, and a juvenile jail, speaking to the kids there, giving them advice because everyone makes mistakes. The most important thing is to learn, to share knowledge. Doing that does feel like a release, a chance to put out a positive message and show that everyone can do something to help in his own way. I am lucky I can use my status in a positive way and give something back. You have to help people find a better level, always. The world can be better as a result.

Life at Liverpool was always a game of catch-up after the suspension, with the issues over the summer confirming the team had moved on. An August switch never materialised and he went into the final hours of the January transfer window uncertain where his future lay. Palace, 19th and defensively fragile, won at Bournemouth on the night of the deadline with Allardyce unsure whether he would end the game having secured Sakho or the Everton striker Arouna Kon as his second top-flight loanee. There were frantic post-match telephone calls conducted by the chairman, Steve Parish, and the manager in a corridor at the Vitality stadium as the clock ticked down, with Sakho waiting in the clubs office up in Soho. It was only after midnight that the Premier League ratified the defenders arrival on a five-month deal.

Id only heard good things about the manager, and his being here helped make my decision easier, says Sakho. I spoke with [the Rubin Kazan midfielder] Yann MVila, who had worked with him at Sunderland last season, and he spoke so highly of the coach. He knows what he is doing, a top manager. Then there were people like Yohan Cabaye and Christian Benteke who told me this was a good team, a good club, and reassured me the move would work for everyone. Then there was the chairman. When he spoke to me on the telephone, he sold me his club. The passion with which he spoke about Palace it really touched me. He transmitted that emotion to me in the telephone call. Hes a man of his word. He made me want to fight for his club.

Look, it was still a big challenge, and a very different kind of challenge. But Im so glad I did it. I get a kick out of being out on the pitch, playing football again. I am playing in front of big crowds, fans who appreciate my style of play. Ten months is a long time, but theres no secret to hitting the ground running. No magic formula. I never stopped training and working really hard at Liverpool, over the summer and Im proud of the effort I put in. It is paying off. It comes from my parents. They came to France 30 years ago from Senegal and it was so hard for them. They had to fight for everything, and they transferred this mentality to me. It is in my football, and it comes from the upbringing my parents gave me.

Mamadou Sakho visited the France team during Euro 2016 to give them support and hope to represent his country at next years World Cup. Photograph: Dave Winter/Icon Sport via Getty Images

His seven matches to date have yielded 16 points, four clean sheets, a win at Chelsea, a first home success over Arsenal since 1979 and, most surreal of all, a celebratory jig of appreciation on the pitch from Sasa Curcic. Allardyce and Palace would be eager to retain his services if they retain their Premier League status, even with his asking price spiralling closer to 30m with each eye-catching display. But you know, to talk about my future now is almost… goste. Yes, selfish. It is not the time. My only goal is the mission I have accepted at Crystal Palace, and Im trying to help them succeed in what they need to do. Im part of a team, and its the team that matters. Not my future. Not my contract. Not what happens next.

Its all about seeing Palace safe, and were not there yet. If I wear the Liverpool shirt again I will gladly. I have three more years of contract there. But if I have to stay at Palace, I would do that gladly too. Im happy, I feel good here. Im also someone who is ambitious, so I will let my agent deal with that in the summer and well see where we are. If my future proves to be somewhere else well, so be it. Ill leave everything on my mothers prayers.

Sunday will be strange. I will be there with the Palace squad but, for this game, Im in an awkward position. I have a foot in each camp. I still belong to Liverpool, a great team with a great manager, a club I really appreciate. I had this great relationship with the Liverpool fans and the players. But I now have that same relationship with Palace and their fans. The team as well. Everything has gone so well in the last few months maybe this should be a case of may the best team win.

Liverpool will always mean something to Sakho, as was demonstrated by his recent post on Instagram on the anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster. But, today, I am with Crystal Palace, he adds, and we need those three points.