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plounce · 4 years ago

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what if gay CATS........... were gay PERSONS

(info on this au under the cut)

theyre all shitty young adults just kind of. getting through their early 20s as best they can. or as much as they can. maybe things will get better someday, but right now they’re kind of spinning their wheels

magic exists but like eh it’s not a big thing don’t worry about it. it’s around but like whatever. not many people have it and it’s mostly just like. a curiosity or a party trick

demeter and bombularina are together, tugger and mistoffelees are together, bombularina and tugger occasionally fwb, it’s cool and aboveboard and it’s all fine

demeter:

bisexual with a preference for women. 24 years old

semi-psychic (not as powerful as tantomile or coricopat). tends to have vague and confusing prophetic dreams

dropped out of grad school for sociology due to trauma and ensuing intensified mental illness. kind of bitter about it, but tries to get through every day. general anxiety disorder even before all that

very nervous around most men she doesn’t know & trust

currently working at a barnes & noble starbucks, which sucks. she recently became the assistant manager, which turbo sucks because now she has more work for only like a buck raise, but at least she’s getting reliable shifts

her go-to therapy is cutting her hair with scissors. her hair is fried to all hell from regular bleaching

she’s learning how to crochet because she’s decided she needs to do something physically productively creative with her hands to distract herself from Stuff

bombalurina:

bisexual. 24 years old

got her bachelor’s in english two years ago and hasn’t found a job in her field and has kind of given up on it for now

she’s been bartending for like four years, does freelance editing work on the side. will occasionally write listicles for clickbait sites if she needs extra cash

literally any extra money she can save goes to tattoos. her right sleeve’s almost done

has natural red hair but dyes it cherry red

a hedonist to cope but is also just a natural hedonist. likes a good bath

i know that like the typical thing fandoms say about female characters is “doesn’t take shit” for the girlboss points but she truly does not take shit anymore. she used to take people’s shit sometimes but at this point in her life she’s tired and she has a girlfriend to be protective of. she has a couple people whose shit she will take (mostly just tugger) but besides them (and having to practice basic customer service to keep her job) she’s tired of other people’s shit! enough!

my personal take on bombalurina is a mix between the riot grrrls of the 90s and 80s punk girls, and then a dash of the greaser chicks from grease. i saw that spiked collar and my brain went OH okay i can run with this somewhere fun. same for demeter, but less so - she just has the piercings.

demelurina:

bombalurina met demeter in college at a women’s activism club, noticed her because of her dimple piercings and was like “oh someone else with a lot of metal in her face, i’ll sit next to her”

they were each other’s first off-campus roommates and were close friends. made out a couple times, but it was mostly a lot of sexual tension. there was a lot of bombalurina staring at demeter while she or demeter made out with someone else

demeter was on and off with her high school boyfriend munkustrap and bombalurina was like “oh he’s so much more stable/calm than me and she needs that, i party a bit too much for her, i shouldn’t try anything” so she just sort of. lets their almost-there peter off

(this is all bombalurina’s internal thoughts - demeter always was interested in her, but thought she was too boring for bombalurina. so neither of them thought they could pursue it)

bombalurina graduated and moved somewhere cheaper further away from campus. they kind of drift apart

munkustrap and demeter peter off and he moves away for a job (they’re still good friends, it was a very amicable breakup) and then demeter gets with macavity, which is a deeply toxic situation for her and sucks hugely and throws her whole life really off track. won’t go into further details

she finally manages to break up with him and calls bombalurina at like 2 am asking if she can pick her up, and also if she can sleep on her couch, it’s okay if that’s not okay, she just. really needs a place she feels safe, and her gut is telling her to. and of course bombalurina says yes

bombalurina also knew macavity and had also made out a couple times with him at like parties and stuff (see: staring at demeter as she makes out with people). something about transference of feelings - bombalurina was into him for a couple moments because he and demeter had a thing.

this is due to me interpreting the song “macavity” as actually about bombalurina wanting to fuck demeter and her singing as a half-repressed expression of that. i use my really good wlw brain to reach that conclusion. it’s kind of a non-competitive version of eve sedgwick’s take on the love triangle. (<-- normal thing to say)

but anyway demeter stays on bombalurina’s couch and she tries so hard to stay on track but eventually she just has to drop out. bombalurina helps her with that too. she’s just really supportive even as demeter’s life is at its lowest point. when she gets home from bartending she gets demeter to go to sleep

she just Stays with her and makes her smile and reminds her that her life isn’t over, there’s still things in her day to enjoy, to keep her trudging forward

bombalurina is roommates with tugger at this point - he also recently dropped out and demeter knows him because he’s munkustrap’s brother, so he’s Trusted and also is like “hey it’s okay that you dropped out, im here and im chilling and you like me and respect me at least a little, and you have a bachelor’s degree at least!” (more on him later)

demeter is like “oh god ive been crashing at their place for so long not paying rent, theyre gonna ask me to leave, im such a freeloader, they wont take my attempts at paying rent” but then bombalurina and tugger are like “hey! the lease is almost up! we found a pretty good 3 bedroom, do you wanna have your own room for real?” and she nearly cries because 1. the RELIEF 2. oh my god you want me around???

cut to bombalurina helping demeter put together an ikea dresser (tugger got banished to the kitchen to make crystal light lemonade for them because he’s useless with a screwdriver) and demeter has two epiphanies:

1. i thought i was ready to d*e four months ago and here i am making a dresser to put clothes into in my new apartment where i live and feel safe and loved. im still not happy but im still alive and im making a dresser

2. holy fuck im back in love with my best friend, and ten times more than i was back then.

so she like kind of freaks out because she’s already imposed so much on bombalurina, how could she impose her FEELINGS on her like this, oh no oh no oh no

meanwhile bombalurina’s back in love with her even MORE and she’s also like no... she’s already dealing with so much... i don’t want to make her uncomfortable or feel unsafe in her own home especially after her recent relationship trauma... i just want her to feel safe around me...

you might think tugger as their roommate would be like “JUST KISS” but he is in fact pretty oblivious because he is self-absorbed. mistoffelees on the other hand..

eventually they do have a big confession of feelings after demeter has a bad day and it’s very dramatic and they make out in the rain. and it’s like. well this is a movie scene. but also im cold and damp. let’s head inside our home and get warm and dry :)

and then they go inside and and talk through everything, all their feelings (not just their romantic feelings but like ALL their feelings) and their shared histories and bombalurina is like “do you think you’re... ready for a relationship right now? like that would be a good thing for you?”

and demeter considers it. she does stop and think. and then she says, “with anyone else... probably not. but it’s you. and i feel so safe around you, and we’re already so close. you make the future feel more worth it. you make more days alive feel not just tolerable, but something to look forward to. and knowing you’ve loved me all this time... it’s nice. it’s good. i’m - i’m understating it so much, it’s more than nice, it’s just - it’s a lot. i wish i had noticed back then.” “hey, hey, don’t blame yourself. i’m the one who never said anything.”

anyway. everything works out, and they start dating for real :)

tugger:

bisexual. 22 years old

dishwasher at the same bar bombalurina works at. she got him the job. he keeps bugging her to teach him bartending tricks and on slow nights she will agree to

he dropped out of their four year, but he managed to secure an associate’s in communications before he dipped

trying to be an ig influencer hotboy and hopefully get modeling jobs from that but his phone’s camera sucks shit so his account isn’t really going anywhere. but he continues to post his low resolution shirtless selfies

trying to cope with being the failure son who does not have a fancy nonprofit job with a salary and healthcare by being self-absorbed and self-aggrandizing

it works about 60% of the time and 60% of the times that it doesn’t he’s able to hide it

he dropped out right around when bombalurina graduated and he was like HEY! ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A ROOMMATE WHO DOESN’T CARE IF WE LIVE TEN MILES AWAY FROM CAMPUS? WELL HAVE I GOT A SOLUTION FOR YOU: ME!

to which bombalurina (who has fooled around with him here and there and thinks he is funny little man and genuinely goodhearted, and also he has rockin abs as a plus) says munkustrap already asked me if i need a roommate and if i do to consider you, because you don’t want to move back home. in other words: yes, you little idiot

they do fool around with each other but they are both very understanding that it is strictly platonic and for fun, especially once they become roommates. they both do not desire each other for anything serious

he did have a bit of a crush on each other when they met (hot punk older girl who’s friends with his brother) but 1. it dissipated pretty quick after they fooled around for the first time because it was not a very serious crush 2. she was in the middle of being in love with demeter so she was focused on that, emotionally

he got his ears pierced a couple times in high school but bombalurina inspired him to get a couple more. she went with him when he got his nose pierced

demeter has always understood that him and bombalurina are strictly fwb, has never been an issue.

she and him like to bleach their hair together when their hair schedules line up (he bleaches his way less often then she does), but she refuses to use his fancy conditioner that keeps his hair unfried because it’s expensive, even though he tells her to go ahead and use it, please, the health of her hair is giving HIM anxiety, demeter please. please demeter

mistoffelees:

gay. 20 years old

has magic. it’s pretty good magic but again: magic is not a big deal in this concept

a bit spooky. skulks around. a bit of a bitch but also very very nice. chooses when to speak

he has postings on craigslist and fiverr about finding lost objects and people with magic. like a gig economy private detective

side job is a waiter at a fancy restaurant

sometimes he gets paid VERY well from the private detecting, depending on the client. he does ask his psychic friends (tantomile & coricopat) to give a quick glance over on some of the more suspicious clients just to make sure he isn’t finding someone who should not be found by that person.

doesn’t go to college. is roommates with his sister victoria, who’s a freshman and studying dance. moved into town with her so she wouldn’t have to live in the dorms by having a guaranteed roommate.

tuggoffelees:

the general vibe i want for these two is mistoffelees walking around town or driving around in his shitty toyota camry while tugger tags along because he’s bored and thinks this is cool as shit

the general tone of the au is “magic isn’t a big deal” except for tugger, who thinks mistoffelees’ magic and his magic freelancing is the coolest shit ever. this is mostly because he just likes mistoffelees. “there are people who can do cooler shit than me, tug” “yeah but i don’t KNOW them also theyre not as COOL as you” “you had to explain to me how instagram reels work”

idk how they met i just think tugger shows up at his and bombalurina’s apartment one day (this is when demeter has moved in but they havent moved to the 3br yet) with this dude to dash in and pick something up and bombalurina is like “uh. who’s this” “oh this is mistoffelees he’s SO GOOD AT MAGIC” [mistoffelees nods hello] “okay bye bombalurina see you at work!!!” “uh. later”

after that he just shows up a lot. sort of ambiguous if theyre dating or what for a while before bombalurina straight up asks like “hey does the dude you’re dating know we fool around” “the dude im - what?” “... the little magic guy who keeps using our hot cocoa mix. misty.” “oh. uh. we aren’t dating.” “... do you want to? because you’re kind of all over him constantly” “um. well! haha, if i wanted to, i could! haha!” “yeah get back to me on that”

tugger trying to use his ig clout to get mistoffelees more work even though 1. he has no clout 2. mistoffelees has a very stable client base. but mistoffelees appreciates the effort. the self-promo guy promoing someone other than himself... the highest expression of love...

mistoffelees is A Nonthreatening Man plus he’s pretty obviously gay so demeter is chill around him pretty quickly. when mistoffelees is over they’ll sit on the couch where demeter sleeps and watch documentaries quietly while she crochets

they both occasionally say spooky shit at the same time because magic stuff. bombalurina and tugger are both torn between “that was cool as fuck” and “god that’s unnerving”

just a lot of tugger following mistoffelees around on his jobs and mistoffelees letting him because he’s fond of him and them occasionally getting into minor peril and interesting shenanigans, but it is 90% fetch quests

i think the first time they met tugger was taking selfies in front of a hydrangea in a public park and he saw mistoffelees walk up with a shovel and start digging in one of the flower beds and he thought he was hot so he went over and offered to take over on the shoveling to look strong and masculine and he ended up digging up a skull, which mistoffelees picked up and said “thanks” and then walked away

mildly terrifying but also very interesting and tugger’s days are kind of boring and dishwashing kind of sucks as a job to do like every night and he is a person who thrives on novelty so. moth to a porchlight

i think they do start making out for fun here and there and then a while later theyre out on one of mistoffelees’ jobs and someone asks “who’s the guy with you” and mistoffelees replies “oh that’s my boyfriend, don’t worry about him” and then it’s like. “HUH? I’M YOUR BOYFRIEND?” “uh. yeah? i assumed. is that okay?” “i mean yeah of course i think you’re great! how long have we–” “oh like a while.” “oh. uh. cool!!”

they just hang out a lot. mistoffelees enjoys teasing him and enjoys his warmth and bombasticity and tugger likes watching and helping him solve little mysteries around the county because it’s always something new. they’re kind of a comedy duo. they just enjoy spending their time together and following mistoffelee’s internal magic gps to find lost dogs and lost necklaces

yeah right now this au is just vibes and just sort of. continuing forward with your days and your weeks and your months. just young adults hanging out

#cats the musical #mr mistoffelees #rum tum tugger #demeter cats #bombalurina #tuggoffelees #demelurina #chirps #bird in the hand

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bellafingadventure · 3 years ago

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Let’s talk about irony.

BANG.

The sky six hours from now will be illuminated by fireworks, annually, yet people are still surprised this is a thing that happens. Large groups of overworked middle class Americans taking their first and last sip of booze for months.

Irony.

We as a people, and even those “above” us, dictate what “worth” means to us.

This comes with how much we work, VS how much we’re paid, sided with a hotcake of WILL.

What are you willing to do for happiness? What are you willing to sacrifice?

I’m 27 years old and always seem to be in a battle with life. I used to think it was a battle with myself, but that's such a constant I usually don’t even give it the attention we all know it deserves.

Now I just battle life. Ya know, the ones your folks gave you without consideration of the awful traits they’d pass along with debilitating features they've both buried for years... oh.

I feel like the two of us signed up for a different post today, although this is usual, I figured that maybe I’d throw something new into the mix. Something a little more for my other blog.

YES, I have more than one blog. - This account was started when I was in 7th grade if I’m not mistaken, ugh theeverydayblues...I’m 27 now, and although Tumblr has become an alternate form of expression for me throughout the years, it still gets the job done..exactly how I need it to - EVERY-TIME.

It’s the 4th of July, again - I’m 27 years old.

What would you expect I was doing? Where would you think I am?

I’m currently at a restaurant, one I’ve avoided for a long time. The last memory-worthy relationship I was in was with my x; CHANG. We dated for almost 8 years, crazy to think that much time went by, but I guess when you’re being gaslighted nothing seems real.

Towards the end of our relationship I ended up finding out that the gym he went to daily, the one I always asked to join, he had met a nice young lady.. -

One who soon, less than a year later would be posing for the New Year in front of a IKEA photo he and I had bought for our apartment the first year we moved in years ago.

It’s funny, these days- Saying these things out loud and processing them just as well..

I’m sitting at a restaurant on 4th of July alone, across from a couple who you can tell has loved for many many years.

I’m usually the person to want to know the secret, to ask “What does it take?!” - Hopelessly in love with the idea of being in love..I’ve stumbled through my life not quite understanding it’s the basics you learn from that form your existence.

They sat as I was waiting for my desert, I’ve been working hard so I bought myself a bottle of wine and a steak to pair. My waiter had been charming and immediately caught my eye with his beautifully groomed Gentleman's stash. I noticed them because they were sat by the host at a four person table while I sat with what felt like selfishly at a two person booth.

Immediately they talked about how cold the place felt, how he wish he wore long pants instead of shorts and how she wondered if they’d be hated if they asked to move to a area with less of a draft.

It’s funny because for a period of my life in this industry I sat around and talked about how dramatic and selfish people with long left chapters felt about our air or seating. Usually when we’re going through something - we think selfishly. Even If it's just at a restaurant. We worry about ourselves.

She asked where the powder room was, after a glance at her empty seat. and empty feeling I’m sure he felt looking over at me, he journeyed off as well in hope of either not being alone, using the restroom, or both.

He came back quickly, anxiously looking around to make sure he didn't miss his love. The longest 15 minutes I’ve ever experienced.

When she returned, he made sure she was comfortable and ready to order. They chatted a little about the price and the indoor ambiance while waiting for the delightfully mustached server we both shared.

Their meal started off coy, he didn’t take a bite till she did, and she didn't ask for a bite from his food VS her salad. Her eyebrows were painted on with a color that didn’t quite match her hair, her expressions were misleading.

Although her relaxed face was writing the story of her 4th of July outing, her eyebrows seemed - uneasy.

I perfectly timed my glasses of wine to the bottle I ordered. I saved 2 1/2 glasses.

2 G - Desert

1/2 G - Waiting for bill.

After sitting alone, and watching them slowly start to talk and enjoy each others company throughout their meal, I melted.

I know what I deserve and what I’m capable of, but admiring a love everlasting like that really puts things into perspective.

The battles you choose, the selfishness you provide, if you want it - you’ll have it.

Nothing comes free, and sometimes sitting alone is the perfect way to remind yourself how you take care of yourself just fine - but not settling for the bare minimum from someone else feels just as good.

I overheard a intodroduction between the two of them and my server Adam, If I evesdropped just right - their names are Monte & Lana.

Those are gentle reminders, to be human, and to be selfless..

I’m going to go home now and watch some movies. Hopefully the text I just saw about us being open today are fake.

FML. CIAO

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wheel-of-fish · 4 years ago

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By the Numbers Jöback, Hill, Stolle

By the Numbers: The Peter Jöback/Samantha Hill/Jeremy Stolle Stream, August 15, 2020

A more timely roundup! The things that can be accomplished without a kitten on your head!

This was a fascinating boot, featuring a Phantom with a lovely Swedish accented tenor voice, Samantha “too sweet to be hot, except to the Phantom” Hill, and release-the-thirst-floodgates Jeremy Stolle. The Stolle thirst was boundless. The Stolle thirst was all encompassing. There was scarcely a vocal phrasing, gesture, line read or body part that was not only mentioned but gushed over. I did not even begin to count the ways. Every category would have been “greater than infinity”. And, every comment was true. This man delivered! From the height of his tallness to the depths of his deep baritone, Stolle was on a roll in this boot. The boot itself was very good quality, only one large Head occasionally swallowing the action like a black hole. Very worth seeing! The passion of the AIAOY Kiss is matched only by the physics involved in making it happen between oh so tall Stolle and oh so small Hill. But true love always finds a way!

Suggested names for this boot: Jöback in Black Boot, IKEA Phantom Boot, Stolle the Show Boot (Okay, nobody suggested these. It was me. I suggested these. The first one was from Fish’s password for this stream, though!)

Statistician’s Favorite Boot Name: The FÅNTØM Boot (again, nobody’s suggestion but mine, spelling courtesy of missbuster)

Wow, we like to talk about Phantoms: Well this week, we seemed to talk about everybody except other Phantoms. Oh sure, some were mentioned, but let’s mix it up and see what other names were dropped this week. Supply your own context for even greater amusement, because heaven knows you won’t find it here. These numbers are a lot more accurate because, again, no kitten on head this week. It occurs to me that instead of meticulous record keeping, I could just make crap up. Not this week. Maybe next week. All these people were genuinely mentioned in this week’s stream.

Carly Rae Jepsen (7), Vin Diesel (1), John Travolta (3), Antonio Banderas (5), Hugh Jackman (3), Ian McKellen (3), Judy Dench (1), Emmy Rossum (2), Anne Hathaway (4), Russell Crowe (3), Patrick Wilson (1), James Corden (1), Rebel Wilson (1), Hadley Fraser (1), Kelly O’Hara (1), Francesca Hayward (1), Michael Gruber (1)

Fond mentions of 1998 “Cats”: 6

Mentions of 2019 “Cats”: 12 (I have left out any adjectives as most were Not Charitable.)

Opinions that “Cats” should only be done as an animation: 2

Oh, hey, yeah, another Phantom, mentions of Gerard Butler: 5 (I have left out any adjectives as most were along the lines of Bless His Heart)

Oh, hey, yeah, another Phantom, mentions of Paul Stanley: 14 (I have left out any adjectives as most were somewhere between Not Charitable and Bless His Heart)

Wishes for Rose to have good luck on her date while the rest of us stayed glued to our monitors on a Saturday night: 9

Inappropriate Random Zoom: to Christine’s dressing table during Raoul’s visit (not NEARLY as inappropriate as the Random Zoom to Barbara the mannequin’s doors of summer during last week’s stream.)

Self-Caress mentions: 3 (The Phantom. The PHANTOM. Not whatever you were thinking.)

What scent are the Phantom’s candles: Hopeless Mist (no, the Phantom’s candles were not discussed this week. As the creator of the candle line which includes Underground Despair, I have decided to use this statistical summary to focus group test additional scentsations suitable for the Phantom’s Lair. You are warned that this may be an Ongoing Feature.)

For Science mentions: 6

Boner mentions: 2 (I will not name names, you know who you are)

Apparent confirmation of boner mentions by people noticing Christine looking down during The Sprawl: 3

Is there any safe way to say that boner mentions are ummm trending downward?: No

Unofficial Dialogue: “TA DAAA” when the Phantom reveals the mirror bride (courtesy Wheel-of-fish, who just barely beat haunted-hideaway to it)

Outrageous Rumors Category:

“Carly Rae Jepsen as Meg…..A dream”—deardaaery

“Carly Rae Jepsen played Meg???” –mrskroger

“I love how these streams can be used to start outrageous rumors”—Aldebaran

“rushing to tumblr to tell everyone about carly rae jepsen playing meg”—Wheel-of-fish

“Vin Diesel played Raoul, fact”—Aldebaran

IKEA mentions: 10

Suggestions for additional characters Jeremy Stolle could play in the All Stolle Show (phantom-of-the basement): Mirror Bride (christinegrrl), Monkey Music Box (Flora-Gray), Madame Firmin (ktarinajones)

Everyone’s a critic: “First review for the all stolle show has to be “he stolle the show” otherwise it’s a missed opportunity”—butdreamsofbeauty

The Phantom’s pillows mentions: 7

People of the opinion that the Phantom should use one of his 600 pillows as a cushion for fainted Christine’s head: 2 (question and number of pillows estimated by ashadeintheshade)

Vintage madamefaust on the Pillow Question:

Look, he took a long time arranging those pillows. They’re from Pier One, they’re expensive, he doesn’t want to put them on the floor.

Erik has skillz:

“You know he’s handy. Everything is probably homemade. Bitch can sew a hem.”—Melancholy’s Child

“Erik as a contestant on Project Runway”—Benny-Lynne

“I’m convinced he hand-sewed the Red Death costume.”—haunted-hideaway

“Five and half months working on that Red Death cosplay”—yamiangie

“has a “Red Death” pintrest”—blahahala

Outrageous Rumors Part Two:

“The pillows are hot-glued to the boat”—wheel-of-fish

People who fell for the Phantom hot-gluing pillows to the boat: 4

Outrageous Rumors Part Three

“Carly Rae Jepsen hot glued those pillows”—wheel-of-fish

We stan a crafty Phantom:

“I just like the idea of Erik with a glue gun”—wheel-of-fish

“erik bedazzling things”—butdreamsofbeauty

“He DEFINITELY has a bedazzler.”—madamefaust

“erik bedazzles his own capes”—christinegrrl

“erik with a staple gun putting pillows on a boat: KACHUNK”— phantomofthebasement

Barbara Speaks:

“Being a mirror bride must be a hard job”—mrskroger

“damn straight”—the-real-barbara

Rare Don Atillio appreciation mention: 1

Andre’s probable fear of ballerinas mentions: 6 (as suggested by madamefaust)

Andre’s issue gets a name: Tutuphobia—Aldebaran

Possible alternate ending for POTO:

There’s like 8 ballerinas….if they all came together the Phantom would have no chance.—hell-lawliet

That’s why Buquet always carries a noose, fear of ballerinas–Aldebaran

AIAOY Kiss comments: 45 comments in 24 seconds

Requests for AIAOY Kiss replay: 6 (replay occurred)

Incorrect use of the Raoul as an International Unit of Measure: 1 (I misstated in the stream that Christine would be 1.62 Raouls in height. This is clearly false, as it would make her much taller than Raoul, who is already impossibly tall. Using as our values Mr. Stolle at 6’3” and Ms. Hill at 5’4”, Christine’s height expressed in Raouls would be .8533 Raouls. The statistician regrets the error. This is why maybe I should just make crap up next time. No, I will not convert the heights to the metric system.)

Debut of IKEA Phantom:

“And the Phantom is just quietly weeping in the angel because…even he knows that is a hard act to follow”—madamefaust

“That is a kiss to cause a Phantom mental breakdown for sure”—Flora-Gray

“oh no the ikea phantom becomes unassembled”—Aldebaran

“he wasn’t anchored to the wall”—Benny-Lynne

“Someone get the allen wrench, we need to put back together a saad boi”—haunted-hideaway

Unholy Trinity of Cooper/Thiago/Uwe mentions: 1 (by madamefaust, who perhaps is protected by the sheer power of her vast Phannish humor and talent. Please do not invoke the Unholy Trinity on a whim yourself.)

Respect given to Steve Barton in the form of “Fs”: 11 (entirely appropriate at any time but especially during a boot with such a stellar Raoul)

Red Death as a Swedish Fish mentions: 3 (not to his face, never to his face)

“tiny swedish fish red death”—Aldebaran

“HE IS A SWEDISH FISH”—madamefaust

“the most dramatic swedish fish”—butdreamsofbeauty

Best from Onthevirg’s Mom: “We should talk about Phantom Jaws”

Fathering Gaze lyric: 1

Split decision on the statement by mrskroger that Wandering Child has a strong Daddy’s Home vibe:

*Strong NO from Wheel-of-fish

*Strong YES from Benny-Lynne

That staff tho:

“Fire Pez One. Fire Pez Two.”—Aldebaran

“Skeletor Pez Dispenser”—DoCTy

“I wonder what it’s like to be that dramatique that you fashion a staff that shoots fire”—haunted-hideaway

“He probably bedazzled the staff as well”—Aldebaran

“oh he definitely bedazzled it”—christinegrrrl

“ ‘bedazzled staff’ definitely sounds like something hmm”—onthevirg

Number of audience cell phone rings at insanely crucial moments: 1

Attempting to bring Logic to PONR:

“I know it’s a plot device, but who has a hood that big, really?”—haunted-hideaway

“THIS IS THE EXACT SAME MAN. MUCH STEALTH. SUPER INCOGNITO”—madamefaust

“Yeah, I don’t know guys…I don’t think that’s Piangi…?” —Flora-Gray

“yeah swedish italian accent is a giveaway”–Aldebaran

Education of the Innocent:

“ok, I don’t know The Lore, why do we call her Barbara”—butdreamsofbeauty

“Haunted named her in a stream. She said: ‘Her name is Barbara and she had hopes and dreams once.’ I said I would never forget it and I have not.”–Aldebaran

The mob storms IKEA:

“time to flat pack the FÅNTØM”—missbuster

“So you’re saying Stolle should just squash the Phantom” —GlassPrism

“he comes apart for easy handling”—missbuster

“Get the Allen wrench”—madamefaust

Reactions to the Phantom after Christine’s final exit: 37 comments in 59 seconds

Sad comment is sad: We don’t even need the allen wrench, he came apart on his own. – madamefaust

Things I wish I had said:

“Moist Raoulette”—haunted-hideaway

“no Tol Raol Pol?”—missbuster, at not seeing Raoul boating away post Final Lair

“No Stolle Tolle Rolle Polle?”—missbuster, with continued disappointment

Dreams do come true:

You know. If you had told 14 year old me that in the future I could watch Phantom EVERY WEEKEND I would have died on the spot—missbuster

Statistician Aldebaran’s two no three favorite personal quotes:

re: Jöback “He crawls with an accent”

“Raoul conveniently wore a ladder jacket to make it easier for Christine to climb”

“Erik is just in a perpetual state of PONR”

Thank you as always for the submission, kind statistician Aldebaran!

#gooood stuff #saturday streams #submission #aldebaran #by the numbers

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a-day-in-the-life-of-a-brotha · 4 years ago

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4-27-21 The end of a 12 day shift

4:22 a.m. I woke up at 4 a.m. but I stayed laid down thinking about all the things I needed to do. Pack a bag (I’m going to spend the night with Dani...well nights) cut my hair, and, manicure myself. I also have to prepare myself for work. “Shit, what am I packing” I exclaimed to the still air. Sometimes it’s weird when nobody is there ie; my children my mother. Dani sent a text “Good Morning my Love”...Ditto.

5:21 a.m. I leave the house...too late to go to McDonald’s to get 2 round egg and cheese biscuits and a large sweet tea with a little bit of ice. But my addiction to cigarettes does lead me to 7-11 to get a pack, even though I’m running late for work.

Frustration #1 So the cashier that’s normally there, ain’t there, thank goodness, however it’s a new guy...not new but not the normal early shift guy. He’s slow, I’m late, and there are many amigos in line. “Newport 100 box brother”....quick exchange and we are done. So in this instance it’s truly not an outside frustration...it’s me that’s frustrated that I am compelled to go to this job, just to make money, so I can maintain food, shelter and clothing for my loved ones. I’m a slave, all of these things should be free. I’m getting under compensated and overpaying for living....yes...just for living.

5:50 a.m. Work. It’s Tuesday...my Friday. I’m exhausted already, pained to be at this workhouse/plantation, anticipating the days end (I’m going to meet Dani). As I walk up and get settled in my work station, the jones (talking shit) begins..”You on the phone?” says my short bus patron co-worker...I head nod to confirm his thought. He still finds a way to come over to me to draw my energy which sooo many people seem to do as of late. “You be proper as shit when you’re on the phone...then gangsta as shit when you get off”...says the man that just two weeks ago hurled words that would provoke me to smack him with the bricks I call my hands on the street...but we was at work, so it’s a bunch of bullshit he’s spewing. I laughed, “It’s true brother, I am proper on the phone with my lady!” What he doesn’t know is that when I’m relaxed, I’m proper, shit I’ve studied this language so much, I’ve mastered it...so I use it. You can only go as far as your thoughts take you...so if you have a limited vocabulary that’s how far you’re going. I know I know, it’s the white mans language, but I’m from here, and it’s the only language I’m well versed in. Espanol...un pocito!!

7:00 a.m. The arrival of Omar. My friend. We are almost 30 years in as friends. “What’s up big guy” he says...”What’s up O” says me. We are both strong headed men, and about the only two people at this job that are not afraid to lose it. That characteristic trait sets us apart from the sheep at this place that are scared to speak up for themselves, instead for some of them, we will speak up. Do me and O bump heads...hell yeah. But we’ve come to a point where we can gauge each other...and we now know when and how to stay away from each other, with no hard feelings. One time we were arguing at work, a dude came to try to calm us down, we simultaneously shut that nigga down...and retired outside to squash it. Work ensues...

12:00 p.m. After Lunch. I was called in the office. Ok I fudged some numbers on the diesel gas pump for the buses I service...a couple of buses mileage was off. Who cares right? The supervisor does...Dave. He’s an older white guy that is accustomed to talking to black men any way he wants. Not me though...our first run in was our last. “LARRY to the office” on the loud speaker he says. I go... and he starts to raise his voice as if I were a child.

Frustration #2 Although this instance didn’t happen on this day, I’m getting frustrated by merely thinking about it. When Dave gets to yelling (mind you this is the 2nd of two caucasian supervisors I’ve ever had, I’m 45) all I hear is the “Blah Blah Blah...aggression aggression aggression”...I meet aggression with aggression...I don’t fight fire fire with fire...I fight fire with water. “Dave, when you raise your voice at me, I can’t hear you, AND all I get is angry.” He quickly stopped, apologized and let me calmly know what the ailment was. Nonetheless on this day, I got called in the office, informed about the challenge and I said I would fix it. He went on this soliloquy as to how and why it needs to fixed. I’m smarter than him, but I get paid less...I already knew how to solve the problem. It gives me hives, listening to idiots...

2:30 p.m. The Anticipation of Dani. I’m off work...my anxiety is on 100...I’m not having a good day, but I’m going straight to Dani...I miss her, but I’m anxious about sex...we haven’t done that yet. I rush to her, she gets off at 2:45, but she’s 45 mins away in Baltimore, and I don’t want her to be waiting too long. “What’s up babe...how was your day” says she, whilst on the speakerphone in my car. I’m completely honest with her “I’m not having a good day.” Now I don’t want to not have a good day, shit I’m about to see her, my love, my buxom enchantress, but I must be real and honest...it’s the basis of our relationship. I get there.

3:30 p.m. Dani and the food reviewer “Big Schlim.” I arrive, a hug and kiss ensued, we are both exhausted but glad to be in each other’s presence. “How was your day Dani?” “It was ok” she said and then goes in on the length of her time at work and how she was amped to get out of there (anytime you feels this way about employment, it’s definitely slave work). Normally I already have a spot that I want to go review, today I didn’t. Soooo off to MyMammasVegan to get them delicious ass honey ol bay fried cauliflower bites. In the intern I’ll figure out what we will be eating. As we rode, my guard was let down, I don’t have to defend myself with her, she is a part of my solace. We got the bites, we went to the spot, we people watched and joned on folks...laughter and her...got me through. Let’s go home...

I forgot to mention Friends...how many of us have them. Malika...well..here’s the text I sent... Good Day Malika. I truly hope that you are in a harmonious space to receive and wholeheartedly digest this message. I’ll start by saying that I love you, and I am honored to truly call you and think of you as a real friend.

I’m sending this message to set up some boundaries for me, with you. I will no longer accept you yelling at me out of frustration. I will no longer accept you hanging up the phone abruptly out of frustration. As a long time friend I expect support for my endeavors. A like, a share, a comment on the new ventures I have, are simple but effective gestures to show support and cost nothing. I noticed, a while back, that the things I was posting on my IG pages were getting no support from you. That was truly disappointing. Even the IKEA post that you called me about wasn’t liked by you, and if you truly read it, you would’ve known what that “Pink Shit” was. That call you made to me also showed a complete disregard for my schedule. I’ve relayed to you several times that I work the early morning hours...and you seem to “forget” or you just simply don’t care. Also...for the last 4 years I’ve noticed a pattern amongst my “friends”....none of you know my children. Initially I was riddled with guilt behind this, thinking that was on ME to bring them around more often. But wait a minute...you know where I live, I’ve had the same number for years, at ANY time you could’ve called and came by to chill with them...do ANYTHING with them (pre Covid). They’ve received nothing from you...nothing....your occasional presence is free. They are almost 15 and if they see you on the street...they won’t know you...and that’s not on me. I sat back and waited to see what was going to happen...nothing. So Malika, I must set up some healthy boundaries with you, these behaviors for you hurt me, and I will no longer allow that to happen, especially to my children who don’t know you for real. Ian remaining your lifelong friend...period....I ask you to respect me in the aforementioned manner going forward, and this text is not meant for you to rebuttal, it’s for you to know, and for me to release. Thank you for being around for 30.

6:30’ish Home. Dani’s House. We finally arrived. This is where I end. Me and her at home are private...I just know that I’m meant to be with her...my wife.

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puppetsoftomorrow · 5 years ago

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okay so ive seen some posts lamenting avas status as 'just saras girlfriend' and thats why they dont like her ... but i think this is a bit simplistic ....

ava's character development cannot be separated from sara, but this is okay!!! think about sara - how much her relationships with other ppl have helped her character develop - rip, helping her becomes a better leader, ray helping her become kinder, laurel helping her be stronger - because our relationships with other people help us grow as people. this is how the world works.

okay now i'm gonna go on a Deep Dive on Ava's growth, be warned lol

so ava's character development can be summarised as: two parts of herself are in conflict - the bureau part, then the part that loves sara, or the 'legends' part. this can be seen thru (what else?) her hair!!

in the beginning, she was all bureau, and we can see that from how she dresses - suit, tight bun. we can also see from how she acts - follows the rules and command structure, and hates the legends because they dont. loyalty to the bureau supersedes any idea of the 'greater good', because in avas mind, the bureau is the greatest good, when for the legends, theyre obvs very different.

as she learns more about the legends she starts to see things 'their' way - first going on the mission to the vikings, then especially when she comes and pulls sara from mallus' realm. "you needed me" - not the bureau sent me, ava does this for sara against the wishes of the bureau. its also no accident avas hair is out of is bun here

from now, ava's rarely in her bun, especially when talking to sara. she's beginning to loosen up, and opens up to the idea of dating her (i mean the sexual tension was there since that first fight, but now its something real) the dress on the date is another sign - not her bureau suit, but something to impress sara. theyre working out how to be themselves, whilst being with eachother (as you do in every relationship!!)

then - sara breaks up with her, and the bun is back. trying out the legends side of herself failed spectacularly, and shes back being what she knows best - bureau employee

then the clone thing happens (arguably the biggest turning point in avas character) and the whole 'bureau' side of herself takes on a whole new meaning. she was literally built for the job - without the bureau, she wouldnt exist, and she now has to question everything about herself? what is 'real'? what is herself and what was 'made'?

when sara kisses her and she turns away, the bun is back. she's resigned herself to her bureau self, because thats what she is.

when the legends are in salvation, we see a new sort of ava - hair down, but straight. a sort of mid point between bureau and legends, because she's not quite either.

when s4 starts we obvs miss a few months of avalance bonding (which i would have loved to see, but i understand it may have been a tad out of place for legends lol), but we see the end result - ava is confident again, confident enough to tell sara she loves her, confident enough to ask her to move in with her. she's beginning to overcome the parts that tell her she's lesser because she's a clone. sara's refusal sets in motion the anxieties we see in the ikea scenes later on - but for now, she's happy and confident.

so we've gone from bureau ava, to ava being in between, back to bureau ava, and now this new ava. the bun is gone, its not coming back - ava can't go back. it was sara's love for her that helped her see herself as this new person, which, may i remind you, does not make her just the love interest. relationships (not just romantic) can help us see ourselves in new ways, and grow into people we never thought we'd be.

then we have the start of 4B, where the balance between bureau and legends comes crashing down when sara and ava have their first real bureau vs legends discussion since being back together. ava is forced to decide between what she thinks is right, what the bureau says and her love for sara. losing the bureau but keeping sara? or losing sara and keeping the bureau?

i know people disagreed with ava's stance on magical creatures (and so do i fyi i dont like torture lol) but knowing it came from a place of fear, at the prospect of not just losing her job, but the very reason for her existence?? ava chooses bureau, and thats understandable.

then the ikea ep, which, omg .... help me ....

this is the ep that shows best how personal growth can come from your relationship with someone. its all about trust and teamwork. ava needs to learn that sara will compromise for her, just as she needs to compromise for sara. she also needs to unlearn the sense of perfection the bureau drilled into her: nothing (inc her relationship) can be perfect, but its theres, and thats good enough.

also: communication. the thing i liked best about trial 3 was that it wasn't 'resolved' - ava wants to settle down, sara doesnt. this is obvs an issue which comes up later with the wild dog phone call

then, the 'as is' bit - i'm guessing ava also ran through that hallway of avas, or at least, they're the part of her subconcious she's most afraid of - what is 'her', and what about her was built? is she just a character? would sara love her better if she was kinder, or sexier, or more action hero?

she's just 'as is' - not perfect. not a perfect bureau employee, not a perfect girlfriend.

then, when sara says she loves her again, ava learns, this is okay. sara loves her for who she is, and she can be that.

i'm not saying people need romantic love to develop, just that love and support helps you grow, and for ava, that love and support primarily comes from sara.

now, finally, we have s5. ava has left the bureau, and this obvs causes some issues - we've never seen ava drunk before, and she gets so drunk she sings awfully in a crowded bar. she's had the bureau part ripped away from her - what is she without her responsibilities, her team, her work? i think this season is gonna be about ava learning that the parts of herself she loved at the bureau - leadership, control, missions - she can still do with the legends, but also learning to adapt. just like behrad said - shes a foxy hedgehog!! a bit of planning, a whole lot of improvisation!!

now imagine that foxy hedgehog ava, living on the waverider, planning to spend the rest of her life with sara, meeting the ava we first meet, and then tell me she hasnt had any character development.

and yes, lots of these changes are related to sara, but like, she's envisioning them being together forever. sara is the most important person in her life, obvs any changes are gonna be linked to her.

i personally love the storyline of two strong, independent yet flawed women learning to love eachother and grow together!!!

if anyone made it this far then congrats lol. inbox always open for discussion / clarification!!!

#phoebe lifeblogs #legends of tomorrow #avalance #ava sharpe

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mushyjellybeans · 5 years ago

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Bucky’s Good IKEA

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader Summary: You help Bucky with his new shelving unit, he buys dinner as a thank you. Word Count: 1,330 Warnings: FLUFF, little bit of language, reader makes an inappropriate innuendo, Mushy Bucky and just a ton of FLUFF. A/N: I’m supposed to be writing the second part of UNREQUITED, but I ended up with this instead as I needed a break from the angst. I don’t know what this even is, but I wanted to mend everyone’s broken heart from my last fic I posted, I’M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT! Feedback is welcome as always.

Taglists are open Requests are open Gif not mine

Masterlist

Sitting comfortably on your bed in your sweater, leggings and fuzzy socks with your back against the headboard watching a series you found on Netflix you cherished the quiet moment like these since they were rare like most good things.

It was just you and Bucky at the compound today, you didn’t really know where anyone else was.

You crossed your ankles over each other and sighed, relishing the peace and quiet until you heard a loud frustrated shout coming from the room opposite yours.

What the hell is he doing you wonder, eyebrows furrowing as you try to listen intently.

“Goddamn it!” You heard Bucky yell and throw something out of temperament.

You left your series playing, and quietly opened your door, his grunts and groans were much clear now, you could hear him muttering a lot of curse words.

You contemplated knocking. He could be busy and didn’t want to disturb his happy time. It was only when you heard pieces of wood clang together did your curiosity pick up.

What was he doing?

You knocked his door and waited a couple of minutes, you didn’t hear his feet shuffling behind the door, but he kept muttering to himself, either he didn’t hear you or he did hear you and didn’t want to be disturbed.

“FUCK SAKES!” he yelled loudly, causing your eyes to involuntarily widen at his outburst, hoping it wasn’t because you knocked on his door.

You knocked again but instead of waiting you barged in his room. Bucky was crouched on the floor, his hair tied back in a bun, with one knee up to his chest pondering some instruction booklet in his hand and pieces of discarded wood were scattered around the floor.

“Whoa Barnes, you been playin’ with your metal balls again in here?” You chuckled.

Bucky’s head-shot towards you with an unreadable expression etched on his face, you would laugh if he wasn’t holding some kind of metal tool in his hand.

“My WHAT? I have a metal arm doll, no metal b-"

"Your grenades Sergeant, it looks like a bomb went off in here.” You mused, cutting him off to spare your innocent ears the gross details. Noting a small smirk creeping on his face at your little innuendo.

“Nah. I just bought this shelving unit from IKEA and the instructions make no sense.” He huffed out.

You hummed, falling to your knees beside him. He was right, the instructions made no sense. But you had the brains and he had the strength, maybe the two of you could figure this out.

After God knows how long, the shelving unit was finally built and so far it was still standing. You helped Bucky shift it into place on the wall beside his bed and wiped your hands on your sweater, hands on your hips admiring the work you just did.

“Well, a good job done.” You said proudly. Shocked it was actually still pieced together and not collapsing even after moving the delicate shelf.

“Thank you Y/N. Don’t know what I woulda done without ya doll.” His Brooklyn accent shining through. You blushed furiously at the pet name. He never before had called you that, he has said it all the time to Wanda and Nat but you figured it was just because you weren’t as close to him as the others.

“You’re welcome, Buck. I better get back to my Netflix or they’ll be asking if I’m still there.” You chuckled nervously. Your eyes flickering around his room, it was also the first time you’ve stepped foot in there too.

“Uhm, Y/N wait."

You nodded your head for him to continue.

"You’ve been a great help to me today and I just wondered… uh… I just wondered if I could maybe take you out to get something to eat or even a coffee? As a thank you.” He asked hopefully, giving you one of his signature smiles.

You were going to refuse, seeing as you weren’t close to him but he asked so nicely that you couldn’t find it in your heart to say no.

“Uhh yeah sure. That would be nice. I need to get changed though obviously.” You gestured to your outfit with a blush on your cheeks.

“No problem. I’ll knock your door in about 30 minutes?"

You nodded agreeing and left a nervous Bucky behind to take the quickest shower of your life and find an appropriate outfit to wear.

You and Bucky walked side by side down the sidewalk, his arm occasionally bumping into yours in silence.

He looked so good in his outfit tonight, opting to wear a blue button-down shirt, blue jeans and a regular pair of shoes.

The night was clear, but the ice-cold air was nippy to your skin. You were thankful for taking Bucky’s advice and slipped a coat over your plaid shirt.

"Where do you wanna eat, doll?” Bucky asked casually, his breath visible due to the ice-cold air.

“I don’t really have a preference.” You shrugged your shoulders slightly. A small smile feasted upon his lips, his eyes glistened from the streetlights.

“I know a place.” He led the way, a few blocks from the tower.

The diner he picked was just so cute and really warm. You chose a booth near the window sitting opposite each other as you took a good look at the menu.

“The food here sounds so good.” You licked your lips, eyes stopping on the burger and fries meal-deal and handing the menu to Bucky, who already seemed to know what he was going to order.

“Trust me, it is.” Bucky said, putting the menu down in front of him and grabbing the waitress’s attention.

After giving the kind woman your orders, you shifted back into your seat and entwining your hands in front of you to rest on the table. The silence was comfortable, but you also wanted to take the opportunity to get to know him a little bit better.

“So, that shelf was a real piece of work, huh?” You asked with a small chuckle, licking your unusually dry lips.

“Yes!” He laughed. “But you saved my life, so thank you."

"Nah, it was nothing. You would have helped me, right?"

"Of course."

The waitress came over with your orders, setting them down in front of you, with a quick thanks you got stuck right in.

You were in the middle of taking a bite of your fry when Bucky asked a question that caught you off guard, "Do you have a boyfriend?”

You almost choked to death, you put your fry down and took a long sip of your soda gulping audibly.

“Uh… no.” You laughed awkwardly, unsure of where this conversation was going. “What about you, Buck?” You asked curiously.

He was fighting a blush, the blush won.

“My last date was over 70 years ago.” He lowered his head shamefully.

“Aww. Well, that was probably with me in my last life.” You joked, easing the tension. He chuckled, shaking his head slightly.

“How come you’re single?” He asked out of curiosity, pressing the subject further.

“Guys don’t like me, I guess.” Bucky’s eyes rested heavily upon his forehead as he refused to believe that.

Since he came to the tower with Steve, he wanted to get to know you. But his senses told him you were shy, and he rarely saw you interact with the team when you were at the compound.

“That’s not true at all, doll.” He said seriously, folding his arms on the table and chewing the last bite of his food. “I like you, I just didn’t know if you were scared of me because you would never talk to me.” He smiled sadly.

You subtly pinched your forearm.

“Well, I thought you didn’t like me because you were always hanging around with Nat or Wanda and I never wanted to intrude."

Bucky chuckled and shook his head. "Then I guess we’re both idiots, huh?”

Permanent Taglist: @morsmordrethings @stuckonjbbarnes @sebbbystaaan @veganfangirl5 @infj-slytherclaw @iheartsebastianstan @lovvliies @livylou3333

And tagging some from the awesome fam that are so nice to me: @honeyvbarnes @chloerinebarnes @ficsxreaderr @zeilenkrieg @stateoflovinged

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consavanarola · 4 years ago

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Beauty and the bigfoot

Across the north American continent span the great majestic Canadian Rocky mountains. A primordial structure that came from deep within our planet’s body. Imperial and proud yet largely untouched these mountains have been here from our planet’s beginning. It is precisely there that Stephanie chose to escape to for a two year break from life.

This life of: year in, year out, work work work, summer in – summer out, annual performance review, meetings, stress for bank accounts and an endless line of people she would – out of respect for the human race – prefer to not categorize. “Well paid plebs” is what she would call them. Day in – day out they followed orders from their manager-master and then go home to drink wine while once a week they had the chance to watch a bloody spectacle on the Colosseum Version 2019, known also as Netflix. The entire process subsidised by one of the central banks.

This life was not for her and rebellion needed to be much more than simply hunching a hoody and running around a park listening to rap music. Which of course she would never do as Stephanie was above all a well fashioned elegant life-perfectionist.

University had been a great time for Stephanie as it was then that she discovered music and her love for nature but that next step into the so called “corporate world” led her straight to the development of intellectual disgust for modern living. Her reaction was so natural that to her this was part of her thought structure. It started from her inability to adequately answer simple questions like “what is this all about?” or “why is this person on this planet?”

She wanted more. But the instructions manual didn’t have a section on “more”. It surely had 20 pages about “more wine” and 50 about “more work” but nothing about “more life”. Love, or at least what the terms & conditions of app called love, popped in every now and then but she never loved the person love proposed. She loved “love” as a verb and human activity and did believe truly in its greater purpose but the person, the man was never what she loved. Most men seemed to be the packaging of love and no matter how many layers she hurriedly unwrap, no matter how many weekends in Barcelona she’d spend with a man … she never found love. Stephanie was wholeheartedly in great need to both escape from this world and also to find greatness, two distinct needs with overlapping purpose.

An eye-catching Lufthansa magazine article during one of her business trips to Frankfurt, laced with German pragmatism, explained it all to her. The title was “Banff – escape inside the natural you” ‘their translation department needs some help’ she told herself. Capital of Alberta Canada, according to the article Banff was a paradise nested within the Canadian Rockies, a place of beauty, nature and free spirit. Before the air-waiters could serve those chemically grown jam filled plum cakes, Stephanie was already well into her feasibility analysis. ‘It’s either this or getting a large dog and naming it Lucifer, so it’s this, so Yes my dearest you can do this, do it’ she negotiated internally. Three months and a resignation letter later there she was in Banff Alberta Canada modern living’s latest self-exile.

She had a great set-up for this new life of hers. Work four days a week at the local Hilton as a restaurant connoisseur cause per local standards she knew everything about European wines and then for three days she was free to go on trekking trips. An endlessness of green and imposing natural structures all there for her mind and body to indulge in. She believed that, as for people, so also for trees there exists a sense of uniqueness. As if each tree somehow knows that it is one and different to the others, it was this concept that drove her at times to simply stand next to a tree and observe its every detail in search of what makes it different to the others. She spent full minutes standing next to trees comparing their dimensions versus her own body, moving in strange ways to better gauge the trunk’s diameter or form. She would whisper “spectacular” to herself at least three times a week and truly meaning it.

I was June, the greatest of all months for women and something inside Stephanie knew this. Was it Juno’s hand reaching down from Olympus or simply the army of wild flowers all cheerful to see her as chance would take her path by them? When close to nature many random events at a microbial level all accumulate and trigger the various biologies of our inner workings. Stephanie was unknowingly June’s hostage and one Friday, her yes day, she set off for her trek. Local fashion implied jean shorts, white knee socks, strong trekking boots and a red Abercrombie $15 t-shirt. She decided to leave the town from the side where the river passes nearest and where the caves are. Off she went.

At some point after one of her tree merging sessions she walked onto a wild flowered knoll with no shade where she heard a whistle. There a tuned whistle with detailed sonority stopped her. Startled she stood to observe and grasp what was happening ‘just another trekker’ she reassured herself but her answered did not suffice. ‘right here, right now? To me in these mountains? What are the odds that I hear such a strange tune?’ … she stood for 30 seconds and heard the tune take distance. ‘I came here for the mountains and the trees, not some whistle’ she shrugged this disruption away and disregard this intrusion. She was here for herself and for nature … no distractions. Her trek went on as planned.

Monday soon came and it was dinner time at the hotel restaurant where nothing out of the ordinary was happening until from the lobby came that whistle once again. This was her work place so Stephanie’s personal standards could take second stage, ‘disruption at work is a job issue’ she told herself and raced to see what had tickled her ear three days ago on that flowery hill. Through the disdain hotel lobby ornaments she safaried and pushed aside the Drömsk Ikea floor lamb to uncover the last thing she would ever expect to see in the Canadian mountains, a pirate. Not a real pirate on a ship in the Caribbean but a man who at first glanced could not be called anything but a pirate. His hair was scruffy brown and so was his skin which, beyond being mildly done by the sun, also had that veneer of adventurous dryness that prolonged exposure to the sun and sea salt leaves behind. Above all his eyes had a deep middle-eastern look with carbon powdered eyes. She kept her hand on the Drömsk and told herself to turn away as he was beginning to turn his head in her direction and a man was not this evening’s menu.

That was something unexpected she said to herself as she marched back to her post at the restaurant where customers sat expecting her to treat them with that safe and reliable Trustpilot verified Hilton love they paid $200 a night for. Stephanie naturally made people smile, it was part of her instinctive blueprint. She had short brown hair which defused any fear of aggression or over sexuality and this made everyone want to be her friend immediately. After 19 responsibly sourced rump steaks with farm grown fries things started to die down as it was nearly one hour to midnight. Suddenly the pirate came inside and went straight to the bar. Dark jeans and a light red turtle neck he walked slowly but with firm steps. ‘who wears a turtle neck in June?’ she perplexed.

“Hey Tom, could you go do a turn in the cellar for me, I’ll take over here” she told the bartender who with a half-smile and look went off. Manning the bar herself she was there standing face to face with this … cold mountain pirate. He was jittery and started fidgeting with the menu while examining the bottles behind Stephanie. One of his eyes was also looking at her body, mid height between the bottles and she was asking herself why? ‘I’m not on the menu mate’ she confirmed to herself. She took a glass and in pure bartender fashion started polishing it with a white cotton hand towel, to which he reacted by jumping five centimetres up and glimpsing at the bottles with overstatement then sat back down and sunk his nose back into the menu. She was formulating a plan to say something but before she could enact he spoke.

“you’re the bartender aren’t you? You’re here right?” he said with a fidgety tone.

“I am certainly here” she smiled back while inside she said ‘I know this man, he is lost, he came here to escape the world where he was successful but couldn’t find something truly worthwhile, now he is here at the edge of the world seeking refuge, yes, I know this man perfectly’

He looked at her directly, stopped moving about and smiled. He held the smile for a full three seconds then leaned deeply into the bar towards her saying “Are you a good bartender?”

“what?” she choked

“well you say you’re here and … well so am I but should we be here? I mean I know I’m a great customer but are you a good bartender?” he asked with a slow confident tone that she found basically inappropriate.

After two seconds of cold silence and a dry stare in his face she said, “What’ll it be partner?” trying to establish some ground rules and place this whole scenario where it belonged the standard saloon of a frontier outpost town where she was the boss.

He had failed at something, this was clear to her but she would never find out what. He stopped looking at her and went back into the menu, “I think every drink is perfect for the right occasion and I’m trying to figure out what this occasion is … I … I … I guess I’m kinda lost” …

Inside herself was triumph ‘I knew it, I know this man, he IS lost, weird, a bit too weird but weird with great eyes is actually great and … well either way I knew he was lost, I rock’ she declared.

… “What would you recommend?” he asked her.

“I’d say you’re a whiskey man, we’ve got some great Canadians, aged of course” She proudly sold.

“makes you fat” he snapped back.

‘he cares about his weight, I can’t tell what his body is like while he is sitting down but this is a good sign’ she debated internally as she smiled in agreement with his comment and found his eyes asking her to look a bit deeper. She wanted to of course and then nearly roused on herself with ‘wake up Stephanie, leave the eyes cause you are not falling for this guy. You came to Banff for you not some fidgety arrogant pirate’. She had to reply fast or else he’d notice something was going on and plus an answer would help her better manage the temptation to look at her eyes. What should she say? She opted for all-out attack, the only good defence:

“Hey, there’s a great wine bar two blocks down the road with a great collection of Bordeaux” she said firmly and with a simile of victory.

He looked at her and smiled, then looked out the window.

‘this guy’s good’ she thought.

He replied with “It’s never nice to drink far from home when you’re drinking alone, so I’ll stay here and … do what you tell me to” launching a deeper than manageable stare into her eyes.

Emotionally perilous music now sounded in her brain which was packing up and getting ready to check out for the evening. Yes, that’s what brains do, they leave you along just before midnight in outpost towns just after you meet a pirate with deep brown eyes. Juno wasn’t helping either as every time the lobby door opened the early summer night breeze sent aromas to her nose.

‘do your job’ she slapped herself and asked him “Whiskey it is then, on the rocks?”

“I thought you said it was good whiskey”,

“The best”,

“Then why would I dilute it with water? You see water is a universal constant of sorts, it turns everything back into the original essence of life, I want some whiskey, if it’s good then bring it to me straight up” he explained

‘a brain too’ she told herself feeling now that this was actually becoming a thing. ‘If he smiles to me one more time I’m leaving with Brain’ she promised herself as she prepared his drink. His New York accent was reassuring and added only to what she was finding great about this guy, eyes above all and now a brain. Yet still this man uncalled for in this exotic mountain paradise Stephanie had chosen to escape to. She was trying to condemn this act of piracy into her world but wanted more and more to keep the sails full canvased. She poured his 24 years old Canadian whiskey and tried to tell him she was not available with a simple and firm “Enjoy” as she looked away.

“Oh I’m enjoying it already, listen since we’re going to be friends you might as well tell me your name. I’m David, I’m from New Jersey. What’s your name?” he said with happiness and accomplishment in his voice.

‘to be a woman or not to be’ she asked herself and thus decided ‘ok, let’s see where these eyes will take me. Brain has left so there won’t be any witnesses tonight’.

“I’m Stephanie, I’m from London, here on a … kind of a gap year, pleased to meet you” she curtsied.

He sipped the whiskey with savour and went on “Gap year? That sounds great, so what? you work all day and then go mountain hiking or bear hunting or something?” laughing mildly to continue this connection.

Stephanie regrouped inside herself for an emergency all directors meeting: how can he know so much? Am I that obvious? Perhaps I am just that but then he is the lost one who needs my guidance not the other way around, didn’t this man get the e-mail?. Am I just here for his eyes and smart cracks? Oh my god I need to tell this guy to “f” off cause this is my place and out here I am not only the queen I’m the king, the bishop, the aristocracy and three witches hiding in the swamp. There are no more openings. Sure I will one day fall in love with my dream man but I haven’t started this project yet. I need to shut him up once and for all.

So she opted to change the topic from them to something neutral, and said “I guess you could say that but … Banff is very beautiful, and the weather this time is great, have you done any trekking?”

He showed irritation to her manoeuvre and she loved that. This stranger here in front of her at a bar was actually dictating terms on her emotions. On top of all that he was beautiful and in a way that only an ocean and the sun could be. With brain checked out she feared that soon her heartbeat would be out of her control. ‘this is supposed to be just another Monday’ she screamed to herself.

He sipped more of the whiskey and … suddenly Tom came back from the cellar, it felt to her like he had gone a month ago. Tom, who knew Stephanie well, looked at her. She looked back with a straight square and intent face and he smiled back and left. She did think for an eternity whether to send him off or have him take over at the bar thus allowing an escape from this captive pirate. An eternity for Stephanie lasts precisely one tenth of a second. ‘Leave us Tom, it’s late and well … David needs to drink some whiskey, I won’t tell you anything about it in the morning’ she told herself.

“Actually, I have a confession to make”, Davide replied and her heart winked upwards to where brain should have been, “I have been doing some trekking but not for the beauty of the mountains …”

“Oh?”

“… yeah well, and here comes the confession, I believe in bigfoot and well I’m here to see if I can find one, there now you think I’m crazy” ending with a small nod and smile as he looked sideward then stared right at her.

Stephanie sends out a square smile that initially wanted to pop and said “That’s … that’s the cutest thing I’ve heard anybody say in months” she said with positivity.

“You don’t think that sounds crazy? I mean too crazy?” David said like a six year-old.

“No!” she said with a triple o “I mean it, that’s super cute, I wish more people would follow their dreams and do what they really want every now and then. This is exactly what the world needs”

“You know I couldn’t agree more, the world is filled with people who are boring and that’s not the problem but the result, the problem is that they want to be boring. It’s over for 99% of them, just going from one step to the next, just like their parent said they would …”

“Yeah ... “ concurred Stephanie

“… I mean I get that there are some standard things we human beings simply must do like sell something to make money, eat, sleep although even sleeping isn’t as necessary as people think … but anyway … I mean in the end once every six months you need to go do something totally unexpected, something that only your heart would ever think of doing” David concluded.

They looked at each other with two smiles and two prolonged nods between them. “Yeah” said Stephanie to break the silence which wasn’t a problem but she just wanted to reaffirm her consent to his thesis one more time.

“I’m gonna –pause– get another whiskey here” said David. She paused too and looked at him on purpose for the 100th time in the last hour, now she looked at herself and asked: is this person in front of me part the wild and natural landscape I escaped to? Am I in control or not of what is going on here? Why is this man with these deep brown eyes confessing to me, why is he feeling like a schoolboy and showing it? What card have I picked up from the board game?

She had so many questions in her mind all of which could wait for this one mega question - “how long will he be staying in Banff?” A question of pivotal importance and probably the most difficult question ever but not because it’s hard to answer rather … because it’s impossible to ask.

She snapped out of it and ask him “Another whiskey? Sure. Where? Here you said? Of course sure, ha ha where else?”

David crossed his eyebrows as if he was thinking but all she could see was a new version of his dark smuggling eyes. This man was doing something to her no one had ever done before, he was creating questions about existence and self-nature for her to answer rather than overflow her with tangible constructions about the world she so easily left behind. She wanted some whiskey too but couldn’t drink there as she was on duty. She wanted to know this guy, she wanted to meet him, she wanted. It was worthwhile and this was her escape year. This could be one small step for her but one giant leap for her womanhood so she did it. She proposed to him.

“Hey I should be getting off here about now, it’s midnight and we’re actually closed, we could go to that wine bar down I told you about and get a last drink”

Wow, she has been upfront with men before but never when the man was so sober. This was it, her river card, her final bet, her last fig leaf. After tonight it would be a triumph and a series on Netflix about how cool she is or Stephanie would become the first person to escape to the mountains to then get so embarrassed that she needed to escape even further.

“Stephanie I’m just gonna say one thing: I like how you tick and I certainly like how you think. I’ll let you wrap up here and meet you there, alright?” He pronounced with a smile.

Wow again she thought to herself, he not only didn’t over indulge and invite me to his room he actually gave me some space and time to put some make up on. This guy is either good or he is god and only one “o” is going to make that difference. “Sure thing, see you there” she replied and started closing up the bar as he went off.

It was past midnight now and Banff was well asleep, even the wind was slumbering. Her plan was simple, close the bar, lock up the fridges then go to the hotel employee bathroom where, she had been told by one the female staff that the girls kept a “just in case” kit which should have everything a girl needs in an emergency like this. Stephanie was confident that she would find Gucci mascara, Dior eyeliners, a set of Victoria’s Secret lingerie – not too forthcoming but enough to make a bang – and of course the essential Channel Number 5. She opened it like the pit of a nuclear test site and was confronted by a “no means yes” red lipstick, an eyeliner gifted in some magazine and a six year old of pack of ribbed condoms. Hesitation didn’t stand a chance as the eyeliner was drier than death and the condoms had both expired a year ago and well, using ribbed in her mind was basically like saying “I’m gonna need all the help I can get” which was, luckily, the farthest from where she was. So she muttered “fcuk” then “great” and then picked up the lipstick as her contribution to one stand history. All this for this man she’d just met.

The longest walk ensued to the wine bar during which Stephanie successfully figured out everything about her life. Yes, it was all so simple, you see up until now everything was just a test to see if she could survive and endure it all, now was when real life actually starts. Now when she was destined to meet Davide. A man who like her was subconsciously seeking her out, sure she wasn’t bigfoot but she was definitely worthy of being called a mythical creature, so that is that. From now on everything was going to be about accomplishment, kids, a house and a summer house.

She arrived in 15 minutes and found him standing outside with a bottle in one hand two wine glasses in the other and his back leaning against the dark windows of the wine bar.

Only one thought was allowed into her mind as she saw him for the first time fully standing ‘now that is a body’.

He leaned forward after his eyes did and said “Great to see you”

“yeah, thanks, it’s closed” she replied.

“yeah when I got here a guy called Mario was locking up, said it was Monday and this is Banff” said David

“sounds about right” smiled Stephanie who was wondering if aliens could right about now come and abduct them both to their planet where they would subdue the two of them through some mating regime until they could breed the perfect human.

Davide jumped in “I tried to bribe him to stay open for another hour but no luck, I told him I met you and really wanted to get to know you better and … well I told him about you, in the end I thought I’d take a chance and buy a bottle … ”

They both smiled for 2 seconds, David continued “… and I got two great wine glasses cause good wine in the wrong glass is … unacceptable … anyway I thought I’d take the change to ask you to continue our evening somewhere … anywhere your place, my room …”

They both smiled again for 2 seconds, she looked upwards to the stars “… or even the hills out here, somewhere you know. I thought … if she says no at least I end up with a great bottle of red”

Stephanie knew she had to say something but she couldn’t stop feeling good about the fact that he had already spoken about her to other people, ‘he is already talking about me to people’ she kept telling herself. But what was to come next? Her house was out of the question cause a woman’s house is like the bat cave to Batman, Transylvania to Dracula and the Library of congress all rolled into one – there is only one way to get in and that’s with a one way ticket.

She walked closely to him, well in range of a kiss and paused. He didn’t, so she did the next best thing – while maintaining pornographic eye contact she slowly extended her hand to his waist and in her hands firmly grasped … the bottle to examine it.

“Chateau Gazin Pomerol 2011?” she whispered to this pirate who in the mountain night and summer breeze was nearly trembling in awe and emotion from her movements, “wow, this is a great wine you know?, way too great to let a whiskey man enjoy alone. – pause – ok David … let’s go to your room”

He laughed just to get out of the risk of a too early kiss or even worse some surprise erection and followed her lead as she smiled and turned away to walk back to the hotel.

‘why did he not take this chance to kiss me’ Stephanie pleaded to herself. ‘I was there, he was there, I had just told him I’d go to his room, I mean what does this guy need? An email from his boss? Com’on David, lips speak louder than eyes’

But for now that was fine as she knew that in reality so much progress had been made for the cause of love and in such little time. Stephanie knew she already deserved a medal or at least an honorary mention in the next romantic comedy to hit the screen. Now she had much bigger things to worry about like this high-risk long walk back to the room not to mention the imminent moment of truth to come – her denudation. That moment where every woman puts everything at risk, lights a fire in her hand, detonates the nuclear weapon in her brain and as Juno would say – transforms her physical body into a temple for fanatical and unpredictable religious practices.

‘Get your ass to his room before worrying about how it will get to Mars’ she boldly told herself and turned to follow Davide.

If sex is a crucifixion, and it is for the messiah inside all of us, then getting to the bedroom is the procession to Calvary. The short yet endless path through the holy city to where flesh is to be thrashed, sins forgiven and gods created. For Stephanie this was going to be here, through downtown Banff in the middle of the summer night.

Stephanie always believed that the way a man walks next to a woman is the most telling sign of his true feelings for her. All she could remember from “When Harry met Sally” was the walk scenes she would see and re-see over and over again, observing and interrupting each motion to see what it tells or tries to hide. Here she was walking with a man to a room.

She ensured that Davide was at least one metre ahead so she could look at his body from safety and while it seemed to work at first, slowly she noticed that he was not maintaining a stable speed. Perhaps he too wanted to check her out, as they say. They were competing for the view of each other.

‘Our first fight’ she smiled to herself, ‘game on, I’ll beat a pirate on a mountain any day’

“So tell me about bigfoot, I mean …” she started a fresh new conversation while discovering her competitive side and engaging in a prancing game. For ten seconds she would increase her speed and then miss a step in alternation. While keeping one eye and half a smile on him and other on his body when he was comfortably in front of her.

Davide laughed mechanically “it’s a thing, it’s a real thing. I mean I guess this has to do with who I am deep down, you see I don’t believe in anything except that believing in things is good. So I don’t believe in god but I want there to be a bigfoot … and a giant squid … and vampires too. Tell me when I’ve freaked you out enough”

“No no, please go on” – she was loving this so much. In her mind prancing in the Canadian Rockies whilst listening to a pirate she was planning to sleep with was talk about bigfoot was the epitome of her existence on this planet so far.

“you’re not making fun of me?” he asked

“Do you think I would make fun of a man holding a bottle of wine that was leading me to his hotel room?” she replied with indulging irony.

David didn’t know what she was doing but it was working like a witchcraft. The motility in her feet was driving him crazy and he want to it stop like an itch but couldn’t due to the fact that he was holding the wine and of course was still in the oat zone. Stephanie had defined oat zone as Only Accidentally Touching which she invented in a meeting once when a colleague of hers was trying to touch her using accidental trips and imaginary obstacles that would push his body briefly onto hers.

He went on “Well that it surely a logical explanation, but the fact that you’re still here is proof enough for me”

Feeling on top of everything she provoked with “maybe I’m just here for the wine”

“you’re not here for the wine” he said with a dry tone of conviction.

“I’m not? How do you know?”

“cause if you were you’d know enough about wine to know that this wine will need at least 5 hours to breath” he replied proudly.

“Whoa ! you know about wine now? I thought you were a whiskey man.” She had to snap back

“Do you wanna find out about bigfoot or do you want to talk about the wine we’re going to drink” he replied with calm.

She stopped herself and him, turned to him and put her hands on the sides of his shoulders. She looked at him straight and said “I want to hear so much about bigfoot that I’m seriously thinking of adopting one” and laughed. She did this for two main reasons firstly to steer clear from any confrontation but mainly to declare that touching is now officially an option.

‘when will he realise that we’ve left the oat zone?’ was now her question.

He laughed through retracting lips and said “I try to avoid absolute affirmations but can say something here to you?” he stopped and looked at her. She paused and gasped “sss- yeah”

“You are a special human being Stephanie from London … in several ways”

She wasn’t officially in love but the e-mail confirmation was by now surely in the server’s outbox. Should be in her inbox in a minute. She needed to hide this as much as possible but she couldn’t so instead she thought to transform it into something official. She looked at him again and simply said “That’s so nice, I really appreciate it.”

Smile from David.

Smile back and “Now tell me about bigfoot, com’on you’ve got less than 5 minutes, the hotel is on the next block”

He continues “well like I was saying I want to believe in things so I chose the things to believe in and I do it, I believe in them, bigfoot is one of my choices, that’s basically it”

Stephanie – “So you’ve never seen one or something it’s just a choice?”

“Yeah, I mean there is some science behind bigfoots that they are some primate that evolved on its own in high altitude environments around the world. It’s a highly plausible possibility, it’s not like unicorns or ..”

“Keep unicorns out this ok” she said with a childish seriousness

He laughed strongly “That’s so cute”

“No really I love unicorns and I won’t mess with your bigfoots if you don’t touch my unicorns” maintaining her tone to that of a concerned three year old girl at the zoo.

“ok ok hey that sounds fair to me” he went on “So that I mean I don’t so much about actually finding one cause if I did I may even contribute to their extinction, I don’t think society is capable of finding any hidden treasure and keeping it as such, we’d find it cage it and make an Instagram account for it. But the idea that it is there or … here in these mountains … is important to me, I need this idea I enjoy it, it makes me feel better” continued David.

Stephanie needed to touch him again so in her prance she skimmed her arm against his ‘wow, skin’ she thought to herself cautious only to not make him drop the wine. He glanced with surprise to her and their two smiles met once more. They were close to the hotel now and she knew it was time to start thinking about what was coming next. She put accidental touching aside for a moment to talk again.

“I like how you think David, I mean people generally should follow more of the dreams and beliefs, that’s why I came to Banff”

He joked in “to find bigfoot?” with a laugh.

“No I would never dream of steeling your glory” she joked back and went on “… I came to find … I don’t know what i came to find but I knew that it was missing and I knew that I would find it here”

“that’s deep” acclaimed David as they went through the side door of the lobby. The main revolving doors were switched off as it was one a.m. “That sounds like a bottle-of-wine conversation to me”

“Well that’s exactly what we have here isn’t it, what’s your floor?” she asked in front of the elevators. “6” he sparked and in they went … into that room called an elevator but for two people in their state leads straight down into the depths of hell.

Alone, a man with pirate eyes and a girl that escaped from London, in a confined room, with a bottle of French wine, both feeling the subtle upward thrust of the elevator which after the fourth floor can provoke a tingle in certain body parts and all around them … mirrors. They both fell into that devilish elevator trap of looking up in search of help to battle awkwardness instead they got … a ceiling mirror. The scripture was on their faces, blushing near their timid lips, they both knew that this was a love-test for them. Will they reach the sixth floor before they gasp out laughing and thus making a sexual confession unavoidable or not?

Ding, saved by the bell, they had made it.

David had taken a small room, not a suite, which Stephanie did notice. Of all the aspects of life Stephanie did not rank the concept of “enough money” as being number one in importance but she did firmly place it at number two, just after “more money”.

‘fine, he didn’t get the suite, so what? More money for all the gifts he is going to buy for me’ she told herself to shut up. But she did walk into the room to the tune of Material World sung by Madonna, original version of course cause well … it’s Madonna. She wanted to speed things up a bit it was already 1:30 and they hadn’t even kissed yet. They needed to kiss as soon as possible and with Victorian elegance.

David walked in and put the wine and glasses on the small coffee table. “Well here we are, there is a bathroom if you need there and a bed here … not if you need it I mean it’s just here as you can see … I better open the wine make yourself at home” he said clumsily.

‘He is funny’ she laughed inside and couldn’t restrain from saying “If I need the bed i can use it?” while laughing.

Davide laughed back and for now didn’t want to give too much breathing room to that chain of joking.

Stephanie placed her hand bag on the bed, this was her levee in case things flooded too soon. A woman in a hotel room with a man is better than a well-trained Mossad agent. She’ll put the condoms in the right place, order them as per favourite flavour, cork screw the wine, hide the man’s underwear, ensure he doesn’t steal hers and do the bed all in 10 minutes flat while the man hasn’t even found out how to unclip her bra.

She sat down and wanted some silence. It was time for him to go through his year 6 med-school advanced brain surgery exam … with no time to study. Easy, for the man that Stephanie was going to fall in love with. She leaned forward with her elbows on the table while watching him open the bottle and hopefully … set the perfect scene. David was walking around the room with the bottle.

“wow, this is luck!” proclaimed David with a whisper.

“what?”

“there is a cork screw in the room, they don’t always put them in the minibars”

‘A - Ha’ said Stephanie to herself ‘so, Mr pirate eyes, trying to find a corkscrew in hotel rooms is a common problem for you is it now? What am I, number 87? You just lost 10 points here brother and you haven’t even poured the wine ‘ she decreed.

“you do this often?” she bit while finishing her sentence in her mind with ‘if he doesn’t answer in 5 nanoseconds it means I caught him and then me, my cheap lipstick together with my bag and jogging underwear are out of here’

Luckily it was a false alarm as David did reply with sincerity and rapidly “well I travel a lot and I generally like good wine plus I like to work from my hotel room so I’ll often order dinner to my room, the common hotel room service guy will simply forget to bring the opener and I’ll have to call them back, in good hotels they remember or they have a corkscrew in the room”.

‘phew! you are back in the game, I really want you to win this, now I’m ready for you to score a touchdown on my 5 yard line’ She wanted to get physical.

Davide poured the wine and brought the glasses to the table, he set them down and began to sit but stopped half way. He bounced back up and looked around.

“What’s wrong” she said, ‘will you get with the program boy? Let’s get the wine on’ she thought.

He crossed his arms and scraped his chin while turning left and right observantly.

“the lighting is terrible in this room” pausing to think while turn eighteen times.

‘he’s thinking about how to make my working-girl body look like a Canova statue, I love this man’ thought Stephanie.

“Let me … prefect – verb if you allow – as much as I can” said David and set to the task of lighting. He tried multiple combinations of the infinite room light options. After five minutes of the cheapest lighting show in the history of light Stephanie was about to start biting her lips. “Hey, I think it’s ok David let’s try this wine” she commanded.

Blackout. Suddenly it was pitch dark as David had hit the master switch turning all the lights off.

‘What’s this?’ she squeaked inside when the bathroom light turned on giving the room the aura of a cloudy summer night with the last effect of dusk fighting to hold on. ‘perfect’ she thought as David emerged and finally sat down.

‘I made it through the wilderness, Somehow I made it through

Didn’t know how lost I was, until I found you’

Stephanie was now listening to “Like a Virgin”

He lifted his glass, closed his eyes and pushed his nose deep inside with fragile care taking a deep nose breathe.

“ahhhh this does smell great, it will be perfect in 6 to 7 hours but it’s great even now” said the pirate to his wine glass and his eyes came back into play. It was too dark outside while they were walking to see their full effect but now, here, in silence and under this perfect light it was open season on his eyes for Stephanie. She simply stopped controlling where she looked.

“Cheers” he said and lifted his glass to her.

“Cheers” she replied.

Crystals struck and their lips were wet at last. He took a second sip, swirled the glass and falling back into his chair smiling to her, he said “I’m going to ask your permission to give you a compliment right now, I have to, I need to, please let me tell you something that right now … I really need to say”

“I didn’t stop your bigfoot discourse how could I say no to this?” she said in the most bashful way. She did not want to stop him but at the same time didn’t what to give him full control at least not until they were horizontal.

“Well here goes, I … I think you’re beautiful”

Stephanie smiled with a “humph”

“no no … let me put it into perspective here for you” … takes another sip … Stephanie takes two … “This may sound strange but I have to tell all about it, hear me out, I was walking across the most majestic mountain range in the world the other day looking for my mythical being. I had shut the whole smoggy and high speed world out for the whole day. It was going to be about me and this dream, this myth, this thing I consciously choose to believe in. I was out there. Fully immersed and totally dedicated, nothing else was with me. At last I had achieved a life goal – to start a journey of discovery of something I believe in with all my heart. So there I was” … two sips for him and three for Stephanie who realised this wasn’t going to be another simple pick-up line … “So I’m going through a small forest patch and then I cross a river, and walk some more. I was loving every minute of this. So, I go on some more and then from atop a hill covered with wild flowers and the aroma of honey from a primordial habitat I saw not far away the outline of something standing” … he paused and looked at Stephanie. She was to overtaken by his nonstop narrative and his eyes that alternated focal point from glass to her and to her hair at times. Dazzled, she simply wanted to hear more. He paused for five seconds then said “… we need a wine break, our glasses are already empty, let me pour some more”

Stephanie showed relief with a shrugging shoulder movement and a deep smile “ha yeah I was so taken by your story I mean I can’t wait to hear about your bigfoot experience” she jokingly recessed from the captivating tension of the moment. David poured another third of the bottle into their wide slim necked glasses, took two sips and continued.

“so where was i? ah the first encounter. This figure I saw standing was drenched in the shadow of these ancient trembling aspens and was clearly a humanoid in my view. Even at that distance in the darkness of the forest shade I could tell it was no plant. I didn’t want to risk going closer at this point cause I was sure it hadn’t seen me while I had seen it, so I decided to stop and observe any intellectual should”

“and …?” asked Stephanie between three sips of the Pomerol which was choking much faster than it could breathe. Davide too was drinking.

“So I’m looking at what my heart was calling the being I’ve dreamt of finding all my life and what was it doing?”

“… what?” whispered Stephanie over the same uttering from Davide “what ? hehe there … you too ask what, I’ll tell you what, standing near a tree, standing and looking at the tree as if to see what the tree looked like … it … you were doing something with the tree … I can only guess you were comparing it to your body dimensions, at least that’s what I think” David said.

‘I’m going to cry’

Stephanie looked ready to cry

“don’t say anything yet at least, let me finish. What I saw you do, and I didn’t know who you are, was the most beautiful thing I’ve seen a person do on this planet so far in my life time”

Her eyes were ready to shed the first tear in her life that had this a mild temperature, neither cold from a tear of pain nor warm as tears from sorrow have. But she also wanted to laugh from joy as the cynical Stephanie knew that such a sight could be classified as simply silly.

David went on “I watched you for 10 full minutes Stephanie and I didn’t want to disturb the meditating state you were clearly in with nature, at some point you turned in my direction and I panicked. I started whistling in the other direction. I didn’t want you to think I was some mad man stalking women in the forest. So I left”

‘kill me now but only after making pure love to me please’ she begged inside but outside she had to find a practical solution to this emotional traffic jam.

She constructed a mild umfy laugh with lots of “he he” and said “wow, you saw me there? What a coincidence, I must have looked ridiculous”

“no … you looked and are … a myth” he whispered with full eye contact.

‘gulp’

“shhhh” he hushed.

David knew any hint or attempt at courtship in the conventional sense was now an option long gone for them. Their Titanic had made contact with the iceberg and there were no lifeboats for the last passengers. He proposed a toast again to her where crystals kissed this time and finished his wine as did she, he stood up and lowered his hands to her.

“give me your hands” he asked, she did and he pulled her up. Face to face he lifted their arms to the sky, Stephanie knew a kiss would be perfect right about now and David did deliver.

The lips had more to say than the eyes and what mattered most was also the more surprising, that this man knew the concept of acceleration. Taking every step with the right speed, not too slow to stop the flooding nor to fast to drown the princess.

Their union of lips lit chain fires and her bag went flying as he moved her body for her. His hair filled her fingers as his body filled her arms, both were playing the part they’d rehearsed for so many years. Now on centre stage. He was proving with heart, soul and above all his hands the existence of the mythical being he’d been seeking and known to be our Stephanie while she finally permitted full and total loss of control.

Who was this man? A pirate who has known me longer than I know him, a believer and a shy adventurer with taste for wine. Definitely not in the article she had read on that Lufthansa flight but … so very worth a book.

#banff #banffalberta #canada #mountains #love #short story #love story #romance #romance story #escape #pirate #creative #creative writing

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justphilia · 5 years ago

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Aubade is a great fic; too bad it’s possibly dead.

Been a while since I did a long long babble on a fic I like, and lately, I’ve been rereading a few fics to fuel my entertainment. I low key notice how rare it is to find a multi-chaptered fic for Ritshou that doesn’t have Terumob as main, which is really funky honestly.

I talked about Aubade once, in my list of incomplete fanfics I missed back in like February. But it’s so good, I’m gonna make a long post about it lmao.

Even though this fic has literally taken the number one ranking in my favorites list, it only took today for me to bookmark it in my ao3 (mostly because I’ve been waiting it for it to be completed before doing so.)

And generally, anything that I bookmark on ao3 is something I’ve cried about at least once, whether it’s because of the story or because I love the story too much. So anyways,

Aubade by Ravenesta is a M rated Ritshou fic centered around Ritsu, who moves in with Shou after Shou declared he was going to stay in Japan for good.

They buy an apartment together near Ritsu’s university and go on a shopping spree in IKEA for furniture and such, which is as chaotic as it doesn’t sound. The tension between them is real and it’s there, so much so you just want them to get together already sometimes.

I’ve read this fic for a total of 4 times, and I will keep rereading it until the day I die. If you asked me what would come to mind if I thought about Ritshou, it would be the fic’s summary;

My dove, my doe, I love you so I cannot, will not, let you go

Ritsu and Shou have been orbiting around each other ever since they were thirteen years old. Really, something like this was inevitable.

It’s so simple and sweet, and somehow, without fail, every time this summary (specifically the poem) comes to mind, I would get teary eyed. Even now I’m getting :’( over the poem, just because it literally speaks Ritshou to me.

The fic starts off with Ritsu heading back home by train to Seasoning City during his summer break from college in Grain City. It’s written in a way where it’s very easy for you to visualize the scenario of Ritsu waiting for the train to come while holding a cup of cheap coffee.

It’s realistically detailed too, going as far as to include little quirks about Ritsu and the people around him (stranger or not).

Both Shou and Shigeo gets introduced during a phone texting scene, where you can easily tell their personality was conveyed right through the way they message Ritsu. Shigeo adds little face emoticons with caring and sweet messages, and Shou shortens his words to ‘u’ and ‘ur’ with chaotic spacings between words and many exclamation marks.

Even Ritsu has his own way of messaging, always adding punctuation to his sentences.

Later on, after Ritsu arrives in Seasoning City, he’s picked up by Shigeo and Teru, who are already a couple in this fic, and you can tell how much Ritsu misses his home.

Teru is such a beautiful mess in this fic, everything about him is dramatic and overtop, going from his haircut to his little diet habits, and he’s still playful with Ritsu. The ‘Little Brother’ nickname will never go away.

(Also, at some point, Ritsu makes a face immaturely after seeing Shigeo drop a kiss on Teru’s head and I think that was pretty funny)

(Also also, they all call Reigen ‘Dad’. Which is hecking adorable, but it did confuse me at some point because Ritsu named Reigen’s contact as Dad and I legitimately thought that was Ritsu’s actual dad until later.)

Fast forward after Ritsu gets a haircut from Teru in Spirits and Such. Pretty funny considering how Reigen did the same thing to Serizawa in Season 2, but I’m mildly sure Serizawa doesn’t exist in this fic so it was probably a coincidence.

So they’re going shopping and Ritsu gets another text from Shou, because Shou isn’t in town, or at least, that was what we were led to believe, until he does pop up.

And it wouldn’t be Shou if his appearance isn’t random, so of course his first line is to comment on Kiwis looking like balls.

Ritsu, being Ritsu, responds by calling Shou an asshole and proceeds to be conflicted between wanting to punch Teru, because he knew all along, or wanting to hug Shou, because Ritsu misses him so much. He goes for the latter.

Cue Shou and Ritsu hanging out because Shigeo and Teru had to go save Reigen from a spirit job, and their interaction is just so Ritshou it makes you feel fuzzy inside y’know? Because it’s just...friends being friends.

Ok so fast forward again, and they’re sitting around in Ritsu’s room and here’s where the plot begins:

Shou, sleepily, declares he wants them to live together, before suddenly falling asleep.

And Ritsu panics because he can’t tell if he’s serious or just sleep drunk. So he consults Teru to confirm this, who answers that, yes, Shou was being serious, and this just makes Ritsu panic even more because wow he did not expect that and mostly because he can’t afford an apartment.

Shou, being the rich boy he is, offers to settle the payment, because of course he would.

Ritsu weighs his options in his head and convinces himself that he’ll do it. So that’s what they do. They make a little list, which is funny and adorable, and start scouting for apartments online.

Fast forward yet again and Ritsu’s plan was to first gather his shit from his dorm room, crash there for a bit, before fully moving into the new apartment.

Reigen, Teru, and Shigeo are seeing the two off at the train station, and Reigen being Reigen, he’s all double checking that Ritsu has all his shit and it’s just such a dad moment.

Most of their luggage is Shou’s because Ritsu packs light and most of his things are at the dorm, and I brought this up because of this scene:

“It’s my oldest friend!” Shou had argued, trying to wrestle it from Ritsu’s hands. “Six years I have known you, Suzuki, and never once has there been a working bulb in this lamp.”

We get a few more cute scenes of Shou running around and being playful before being tired out and falling asleep on the train, and there’s this tender moment where Shou’s snuggling on Ritsu’s jacket, which the latter had taken off early, and he makes a comment saying how it smells like Ritsu which just baffles the only. It’s...nice, makes me fluffy.

Anyways they reach Ritsu’s dorm to crash and pack, and they have this scene where Shou gets a little emotional about how organized Ritsu is, and he genuinely couldn’t believe how Ritsu is making this work.

So! Chapter 6, alright! And it’s the apartment viewing chapter, because of course they need to view apartments before moving in (which is as fun as it sounds).

They view 3 apartments, with the third try being the charm;

Apartment 1 fucking sucks! And Ritsu only chose this because he wanted to get a feel of how apartment viewing works, and you gotta hand it to him for thinking ahead. So no matter what, he knows he won’t be buying this apartment.

Apartment 2 was actually pretty decent, the landlord, however, was not. Throughout this scene, she is constantly trying to get into Ritsu’s space, and you don’t exactly know what’s up until the very end where she gets really close. Shou saves Ritsu in the end by dragging him away and making it known that, “THIS IS MY MAN DO NOT TOUCH.” And makes an enemy out of her, so big whoops.

Apartment 3 is kinda awkward but workable, with their landlord being the sweetest man to walk this earth. His kids were born on the viewing day, which made him a little late, though Ritsu finds in understandable. After the viewing, Ritsu asks if they can crash at the apartment even though they haven’t actually gotten it yet, and the man’s like, “Don’t worry, you’re gonna live here anyways so might as well crash here now!” Protect this man.

Next scene we have Ritsu finally moving out of his dorm and into the apartment with Shou and after getting a few groceries, they finally decide they should head to IKEA for furniture. It’s a pretty funny scene because everyone knows IKEA is an equivalent to a bloody maze, so you get to watch them play around in the display rooms and climbing into beds and getting lost.

And it’s funnier because this is the Shou’s first time stepping foot into an IKEA, and Ritsu makes fun of him for it briefly. Shou gets back at him later on when they’re playing around in a bathroom display room.

he doesn’t quite notice where Shou’s wandered off to until he turns around from a bathroom sink and spots him in a shower stall, calling him over with a wave of his hand. Ritsu steps inside, ducking his head under the bar for the shower curtain

He almost startles when Shou reaches over and pulls the shower curtain closed with a flourish, leaving them enclosed in the shower stall, somehow still mysteriously lit by no lamp that Ritsu can see. He shoots Shou a questioning look, only to snort when Shou leans back against the shower wall, a hand over his heart and eyelashes fluttering.

“Why, Mister Kageyama,” he says, all false coquettishness, “Cornering a young girl like me alone in a place like this? How scandalous.”

He considers giving Shou the reaction he wants, a laugh and a shove on the shoulder and possibly a comment about exactly how classy making out in an IKEA shower stall is, but the reaction he’d gotten earlier was too good to resist playing along with the joke.

He shamelessly uses his height advantage when he steps into Shou’s space, one leg between Shou’s and a hand propped casually on the wall beside his head. He leans down so that their noses are almost touching, and says low, “Well with you standing here all gorgeous like this, how could I resist?”

It’s pathetic joke flirting, some cheesy disaster line out of every old black and white movie he’s ever watched with his mother, so he doesn’t quite expect it when Shou seems to freeze, eyes wide and locked onto Ritsu’s. It’s only for a few seconds, a barely noticeable pause before Shou’s howling with laughter as he pushes past him out of the shower, but Ritsu gets caught on it, on the hitch he thought he’d heard in Shou’s breath, on the way he feels oddly wired, like his skin is buzzing from the proximity, and what the fuck had just happened?

This scene, ladies and gentlemen, had me sold on the fic. Starting with how Shou had playfully dragged Ritsu into the display shower in an attempt to tease Ritsu, only to be surprised that Ritsu had played along because, according to Ritsu, the raven would usually just laugh and dismiss the joke as a joke.

You can literally see that’s where the subtle feelings come out, where their friendship suddenly moves a bit faster into something more. It’s a slowburn for a reason, because their relationship happens really slow, so it’s moments like these that makes you really warm inside.

We come to a near end to the fic from here, which includes a scene where Shou cooks and Ritsu has a wet dream that’s pretty brief tbh and nothing too explicit don’t worry. Then there’s some scenes where Ritsu’s doing school things and Shou’s being Shou in the kitchen and everywhere.

It slows to a stop after the iconic Shou and Ritsu flies scene, because we’re all suckers for Ritsu trusting Shou that he won’t drop him when they fly.

SO! You can pretty much get the idea of how the fic will end/go from there since the major arc scene has been settled (moving in together). And frankly, if Ravenesta was to stop the fic on chapter 9, I don’t think we’ll lose too much since the only thing we didn’t get is a conclusion to the slowburn.

If you’ve read up to here, thanks for indulging me I suppose. I mostly write little reviews for my own sake since I really talk too much and it’s very hard to collect my thoughts at times.

Is this a fic I would recommend? Most definitely yes, it’s lovely, it’s well written, it’s captivating. It is the embodiment of Ritshou’s romance, and I really wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

#mob psycho 100 #mp100 #kageyama ritsu #suzuki shou #ritshou #shouritsu #fanfic babbles

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hazelinhouston · 5 years ago

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220819 // all around

This post is so back dated hahaha. B U S Y times.

Went to school at about 10 for an interview for a school job! It sounded really nice and I hope I get it fingers crossed. But I’d only know in about 2-3 weeks, so I should probably start applying for others just in case..

After that, we went to Hertz again, to just double check about the car. Cause previously they told us that we couldn’t get a car without any form of Texas ID but a few friends told us that that was unlikely. So we stopped by, and boom yes we can! Another salesperson spoke to us and she was really helpful. Unfortunately the guy who spoke to us previously saw us and swooped in. He was significantly inefficient in comparison so Daryl went back in and asked for the lady back the next time we come back. I mean we told him our budget was 10k and he showed us 16k cars, like er nope hello.

We then went to IKEA to check out furniture. Just to get some comparisons. It was at the other side of downtown and took us about ... 40 mins to get there. Pretty long. But that ain’t covering the whole of Houston yet. We managed to find some lights at IKEA and got some mini nicknacks e.g. a fake lavender plant for $2.50 LOL. I cannot keep a real plant so this has to do for now. We ate lunch at IKEA as well, and the fried chicken just tasted like a huge chicken nugget.

NEXT. We then went to Chinatown to grab sauces. Since we have our house now, we can start stocking up the sauces! :-) We got a whole bunch of them.

After which, we drove by south a little to get my fingerprinting stuff for my fellowship done. That was super speedy fast and took like 10 mins? Lol travel so far for it.

We had like an hour to kill (mind you, this was like 6 pm) before Daryl’s orientation at his Pearland campus. So we dropped by Target nearby and got some hangers before heading to his campus. 80 hangers heeheehee. I can’t be bothered to fold clothes, so well, this will have to do.

Daryl then went for his orientation and I sat in the student lounge doing research on cars. And I was just facing the computer, away from the TV screen, just filtering out the sounds. But then whatever was happening on screen sounded very exciting like some super intense sports show, and I turned around expecting idk basketball or something. It was some golf game called Holey Moley. Damn strange.

Daryl finished orientation at 9 pm and then we headed to our apartments to drop off stuff and do a bit of quick cleaning. And we tested out the IKEA lamps, they worked amazing! Best buys the tall lamp was $15 damn worth it. It lights the whole room on its own. Got back to the Airbnb about 10+ 11, and we were beyond exhausted. SO YEAH LONG DAYS.

*insert map here next time of how much we drove. It was insane.

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norabrice1701 · 6 years ago

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An Accidental Demon

A “Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them” AU fanfic

Pairing: Vet Student!Newt Scamander / Demon!Percival Graves

Summary: All Newt wanted from IKEA was a bookshelf. Instead, he left with a demon that he accidentally summoned while trying to pronounce furniture names. Lovely.

Rating: General Audiences - nothing to fear here [full warnings on AO3 link at bottom of the post]

A/N: This was born from a post on a friend’s FB page, and I had to let it out. I might continue this?? It’s proving to be too much fun, but for now, it’s a one-shot. Also, the demonology here is pretty general.

Oh, dear. Shopping at IKEA should not be so stressful. As if assemble-it-yourself furniture wasn’t intimidating enough, there was also the indignity of trying to pronounce the furniture names.

But there was nothing for it. This was the third bookshelf that Dougal – his Great Pyrenees rescue – had taken out in as many months while chasing his sweet Niffler cat around. Honestly, one would think after a year of cohabitation, the dog and cat would be used to each other. But the sad, destroyed remains of Newt’s bookshelf told a different story.

That’s how he found himself back at IKEA. But this time, a simple replacement wouldn’t do. He needed something more robust. Hopefully, something that might be spared catastrophic damage during any future high speed chases. Maybe even something wall mounted? Perhaps those modular shelves that he could pick, arrange and mount well above Dougal’s sizable height? Hm, that might be just the ticket.

But now, as he wandered through the aisles, trying to match the product names from his internet search to the various tags of assembled, display furniture – maybe it would be simpler to just get what he got last time. Even if Dougal would likely destroy it a fourth time.

Newt ran a hand through his hair, biting his lip as he looked back down to his loopy handwriting. “No, not Ehk-t…Lix-hult. That looks familiar.” There was certainly a time and place to appreciate cultural and language differences, but navigating the aisles of IKEA was not it, in Newt’s opinion. He just wanted to buy shelves, go home, assemble them and change out of his fur covered scrubs. Yes, he loved his vet school clinical rotations but Dougal, Niffler and the others tended to be a little possessive when he was home.

He moved for the next row, holding up his paper to compare more names, mumbling under his breath. “Let’s see – oh, there’s Lix-hult, Li-xhult…err, Mos-torp. Sval-na. Um, Best-aa.”

A just barely-there puff of air brushed his cheek, carrying an odor. A rather…unpleasant, rotten odor. If Newt didn’t know better, he’d swear it was the smell of rotten eggs. But that was impossible in the middle of a furniture store. That’s when he noticed the dark shape in his peripheral. A dark shape that he distinctly didn’t recall before.

He turned, keeping his eyes down, but he couldn’t help but take in the man now standing next to him. Refined and polished, his sharp suit and shoes alone must have cost at least a year of Newt’s sad student job salary. And that was to say nothing about the sleek black overcoat that teased a luxurious white lining. The man’s dark eyes, thick brows, strong jaw, and dark hair streaked white at his temples, completed the unfairly attractive, imposing picture.

Newt – with uncombed hair, scrubs covered in all manner of animal fur, and a worn blue overcoat – felt like a downright slob by comparison to this man who looked fresh from a magazine cover. Newt blinked quickly, trying to quirk his lips in a polite smile. Small talk with strangers was always the most excruciating. Especially when the stranger was so handsome. “Um, hi…please, excuse me. If I’m in your way, that is.” He stepped back, not daring to meet the man’s gaze, feeling his cheeks flush. Curse his fair skin that betrayed him at every turn.

The dark-haired man said nothing, but Newt could feel the weight of his stare. It made him want to fidget even more than normal, and he chanced a lingering glance at the man’s face. The man studied him with an otherworldly intensity in those dark brown eyes. It reminded Newt of a predator studying a prey, learning their habits to plan a more effective kill. He wrenched a nervous swallow, suddenly wondering if he could outrun this man.

The man blinked, licking his lips quickly. “Hello, Mr. Scamander.”

The blood froze in Newt’s veins, every survival instinct kicking into gear. “H-how…do you know my name?” Sure, it was the obvious question, but it had to be asked. “We’ve never met before. And I certainly don’t know your name. Are you…have you been stalking me?” The words poured forth, more a nervous tic than anything. But still true. Newt would never have forgotten such a striking face.

“No,” mild astonishment and irritation colored the other man’s gaze, “I was quite content to mind my own business until you summoned me.”

“Summoned….I beg your pardon, summoned you?” Had Newt gone to IKEA or the Twilight Zone? Who just went up to strangers and said stuff like that? Newt blew an exasperated sigh, shaking his head. “Look, if you really have nothing better to do than prank defenseless people at IKEA, then I’m sorry for you. But truly, this has gone on long enough, and I’m genuinely not amused.”

The man raised a brow, affronted. “You’re genuinely not amused? I assure you, the feeling is quite mutual. So, let us conclude our deal here, and then I’ll gladly return to my previous business.”

“Deal?” Newt echoed, shaking his head. “We have no deal to conclude. I don’t even know you!”

“Your mistake if you spoke my incantation without knowing who I am. Which, I will confess – is rather reckless of you, Mr. Scamander. In fact, no protection charms, no summoning circle,” the man’s lips curled with a devilish air as he took a step forward, gazing down Newt’s body with a calculating assessment. “Mm, the fun I could have with you right here.”

The purred words should in no way race a tingling shiver of anticipation down Newt’s spine, but dammit, they did.

Newt licked his lips, holding his ground. “A summoning circle, protection…why should I need protection from you?”

“You really don’t know who I am? Or what you’ve done?”

“Well, you said I summoned you. But I didn’t…I was just…,” Newt shook the paper with the shelf names scrawled on it, “I was just trying to pronounce the names of these shelving units-.“

“And instead, you summoned a demon. Please stop wasting my time, Mr. Scamander.”

Newt registered nothing of the man’s bored tone, stunned at the admission. At the possibility. A demon? A real, live demon?! Weren’t they just supernatural make-believe? But this man before him, pulling a silver pocket watch from his suit vest and flipping the cover back with an irritated gesture, was so very real. Newt’s eyes lit with possibility. “A demon. Truly? That’s what you are?”

“Yes,” the self-professed demon huffed mildly, “now, please, to the business at hand?”

A grin cracked Newt’s face. “I don’t even know what the business at hand is. But a real demon. My goodness.” This was far better than any Christmas morning. A chance to learn about a whole new species - a whole new creature. A supernatural creature! If everything the man said was true, then Newt wanted to learn everything there was to learn. His wild curiosity begged for so much more. Where did the demon come from? Did he have powers? What was his purpose here? “I-I have so many questions.”

“None of which I’m inclined to answer. Especially not here.” The dark eyes glanced around shrewdly, taking in the movements of other unsuspecting shoppers.

Something in the man’s - demon’s - assessment suddenly made Newt self-conscious, glancing around with a nervous edge. Goodness, what a picture he must make standing next to this man. This man, dressed to the nines, clearly many years older than Newt - supernatural implications notwithstanding - who could at best pass as Newt’s friend, and at worst a sugar daddy. Heat flamed unbidden in Newt’s cheeks at the thought.

He shook his head, physically trying to shake the thought away. “Yes, yes, of course. We should probably leave. Well, that is, assuming you’re bound or stuck to me, or something...until whatever brought you here is concluded.”

Irritation flashed in the demon’s eyes, staring back at Newt as if trying to convince himself that Newt was actually real.

Newt waited for the demon to respond, shifting his weight on his feet. Anything to lessen his discomfort under the scrutiny of those intense eyes. Annoyance bubbled as the older man said nothing and Newt puffed a sigh. “Alright, very well. If you’re coming, that’s fine - if not, then...then, good day.”

He’d been plainly aware since his arrival in New York for veterinary school that his accent and manners didn’t fit with the vibrant American hustle and bustle. But they were something he hadn’t wanted to lose. There was no cause to bring more ugliness to the world, and everyone deserved well-mannered treatment. Demon or not.

Even if the man had interrupted his bookshelf buying outing.

But if Newt did indeed now have a demon to contend with, perhaps replacing a damaged bookshelf was now the least of his worries.

The well-dressed man fell into step beside him as Newt turned to thread his way through the rest of the labyrinth store. It...this was just too absurd. And certainly not what Newt had planned for his Thursday night after clinicals. He cast a sideways glance, surprised to note that the demon was actually a couple inches shorter than he was. Something about that amused him, and a lopsided grin lifted his mouth. “You know, we haven’t properly met yet. It sounds like you already know, but I’m Newton Scamander. Newt, though, if you please.”

The man nodded almost imperceptibly. “You may call me Graves.”

Newt’s brow furrowed. “Just Graves?”

“Mr. Graves, if you prefer.”

“Don’t...don’t you have a first name or something less...severe?” The demon stared over at him, blank and hard. “Right, Mr. Graves it is. I...I take it that’s not your real name?” The smell of the cinnamon rolls and other food from the eatery reached his nose as, thankfully, they neared the exit.

“I’ve had many names over the millennia. Street. Dandridge. Clayton. Each served a purpose, just as Graves does now. And if you don’t already know my true name, then me telling you is certainly not advantageous.” Graves’ coat flared in the cool, late afternoon air as they exited into the fading sunlight. He looked completely unbothered by the transition from inside to outside, paying Newt no mind while Newt fumbled with the buttons on his coat. They were in for a chilly subway ride, after all.

Newt glanced over to Graves, intrigued. “Does... the cold not bother you? Or...or the sunlight?”

Graves’ face pinched with obvious irritation, even bewilderment. “I’m not a vampire.”

Newt’s eyes widened, excited. “Do those exist, too?”

Graves’ hand clenched at his side under the flared sleeve of his overcoat, a condescending disapproval hardening his gaze. It was impressively intimidating. Especially considering the man stood shorter than Newt. Without a word, Graves turned with a sweep of black and white fabric, and stepped forward on the curb, raising a hand at the passing line of taxis.

“No, no,” Newt moved after him with an obvious air of panic, “we’ll do better to take the subway. See, I don’t exactly live all that close. And with traffic at this time of day, well - a taxi won’t be cost effective. I don’t...I don’t know if you understand about money-”

“I understand plenty, Mr. Scamander.” The words were snarled with a coiled frustration that froze Newt in place. “I understand that you ripped me from my previous business without a purpose. I understand that you’ve initiated a contract that you don’t know the first thing about. And I understand that if I must endure New York City until our business is concluded, I will never set foot on the subway.”

A yellow cab stopped at the curb and Graves stepped up to it without waiting for Newt to respond.

Oh dear. Newt worked a hard swallow down his throat as he debated following the demon or just bolting for the subway station. Would that make things worse? Could things get worse?

The cab door stayed open behind Graves as he settled against the black interior, glancing back at Newt. The silent command on the demon’s face was unmistakable.

With another nervous swallow, Newt stepped forward and climbed into the taxi.

Full fic link to AO3!

#gramander #fantastic beasts and where to find them #percival graves #newt scamander #newt x percival #fanfic #wannabe writer

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thebrotherswholoved · 6 years ago

Note

stranger: *crying* your son hit me in the face! Sam: Jack! Why did you do that??? Jack: The bitch said 'what are those?' i just gave him a closer look.

sorry this took so long, love! I kinda sorta forgot to post it one here…oops:/ hope you enjoy (I kind changed the prompt a bit, hope that’s alright)

fanfiction: or worse…expelled

Summary: a blessed tumblr user (@say-yes-to-hole) gave me a prompt—and I thought I’d be a jolly lad and deliver (oops I kinda changed it a wee bit)

Content: Jack’s 3 Dads, AU where TFW 2.0 can be happy without dying, normal kid stuff, Cas being an asexual cutie pie, obviously wincest (not explicit–it’s mentioned like maybe five times), Domestic Fluff, Friendship Bracelets

Read on Ao3

Dean has always known where this life would lead him. It didn’t seem far fetched a year ago to envision his own death at the hands a hungry ghoul, emaciated vamp, or even at the hands of the monster they let into their home, the one he denied and denied as part of his adopted family until he was out of breath. Last year, Dean only saw pseudo-infant Jack Kline as a threat, not only to his clan but to the world.

He’d always thought he knew that the road so far would continue into the dead end ahead, that he’d never escape this hunter hell to fulfil his desperate pleas for domestic life, locked gun storage, and worn sigils under wallpaper and rugs, long forgotten by their Michelangelo.

He never in a million years thought that he’d be here: sitting in shitty lunchroom chair between his now-official adopted son and brother-turned-lover, who’s trying to send a bat signal to the couple’s fallen angel friend (and coparent) while side-eyeing the terrifying woman in front of them. He’s gotten so lost in the blue-green-yellow abyss of Sam’s eyes that he’s forgotten altogether why the hell he’s sitting here—that is, until he reads the plaque on the desk before the quartet.

Mrs. Harriet Allen

Dean of Students and President of Scholastic Affairs

Oh, yeah. This buzzkill is trying to buzz-kill his son, which he hopes she knows isn’t going to happen. He may have had a spinal injury five months ago but he can still body-bag her if need be. In an unfortunate turn of events, she notices the devious grin forming on Dean’s face in all the grotesque insanity of “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

“Is something funny, Mr. Winchester?” She snaps at him. He watches her wrinkles crease and release with anger and has to look away to avoid snort-laughing.

“Not at all, Harriet,” he pops his lips with a stern gaze of challenging authority and a smug raise of his eyebrow.

Sam gives him a look that says “what the hell are you doing” and flinches when she shuts the drawer of her IKEA desk (the builder of which, per Dean, did a shitty job assembling it) in a rather abrupt and terrifying way. Dean doesn’t even flinch, but becomes intrigued when she maintains eye contact while flipping open an ominous-looking manila folder. The thing has four, maybe five pieces of paper enclosed and has been desecrated with shaky, all-uppercase letters spelling out the words “KLINE-WINCHESTER, JACK.”

“My plaque says Mrs. Allen and so you will call me Mrs. Allen,” her thick-rimmed glasses dip on her ski slope nose when she narrows her gaze at Cas, who hasn’t uttered a thing in almost ten minutes.

Pushing the lenses back to magnify her grey-black eyes, she clears her throat and looks at Jack, who’s been twiddling his thumbs and fiddling with his bracelets since they arrived. “Mr. Kline-Winchester, do you know why I’ve called you and your…retinue here today?”

“These are my dads,” he clarifies with a meek flicker of his hooded eyes. “And, yeah, I do, ma’am.”

“Alright, and would you like to tell your dads what the reason is?” She shuffles her chair—faux leather, Dean notes, already shriveling and flaking apart—forward to intimidate. Mrs Allen sees these three men as unruly subjects to her velvet fist, but it’s revealed by her heel tapping beneath the desk that she sees Dean as more of a threat to her authority than the rest of Jack’s “retinue.”

Jack glances down the row at Sam, who’s trying to be a stern father by raising an eyebrow—an empty gesture to say the least, and then moves to distracted-by-superiority Dean, and ends at Cas, poor Cas and his helpless glint of confused trepidation that has become his defining characteristic.

Inhaling a shaky breath laced with lack of understanding at his offence, he begins his avowal in this hell of a confessional. “I…hit someone.”

Mrs Allen leans forward again. “Where did you hit them?”

“In the face. Inferior to the nasal bone.” He says in a signature “Castiel” matter-of-fact way—no room for bullshit. Sam can’t help but let out a breathy chuckle at his use of the terms he learned in Anatomy last week, the exam on which he got a 98 percent. “I didn’t feel any cracking. It was a low-impact hit, and it’d cause a superficial bruise at the w—“

“That’s enough, thank you,” Harriet puts her hand up to stop the inevitable spiel about medical terminology. God, Sam loves his quirky nerd of a son. “Why did you hit Mr. Hiscock?”

Dean snorts and doesn’t even try to hide it. He actually feels bad for this Hiscock kid—not because of Jack’s ‘low-impact’ punch but because his last name is just unfortunate. Mrs Allen really hates that he did that, and slams her fist down on the table.

“That is incredibly inappropriate, Mr Winchester,” she grumbles, but all Dean can see is Nurse Ratchet in her place. Poor Jack has to be Danny DeVito, though. He mouths a mocking apology and sits back in his chair like he did as a jock in high school. “Jack, continue. Why did you hit…Ivan?”

“Well, I didn’t mean to hit him.” Jack attempts to explain his “extensive misconduct” as the letter said—fuck, Sam thought he’d been caught having sex or smoking pot. The reality is that Jack Kline in all his purity thinks sex is for marriage and “pot” is for flowers. “I think he misunderstood…or maybe I did.”

Harriet squints her eyes at the boy and folds her arms, wedding rings becoming visible. Dean’s concentration is playing Never Have I Ever with some drunk sophomores in the janitor’s closet by now, but he finds it surprising that she found someone to marry at all. Maybe she’d been preppy and beautiful in her youth, but her significant other could still ride his Acorn stair-lift to freedom.

“What could Ivan have misunderstood, Jack?”

The sixteen-year-old literal toddler watches Cas fiddle with his trench coat button and sighs. “Well…he asked me about my bracelets.”

Mrs Allen moves to scan his wrists for these supposed wristbands but can’t see his hands over her giant plaque. “What bracelets?”

“Oh, these!” He perks up like Dean had snuck him a Pixie Stick or something, surprising everyone in the room. Jack jerks his wrists into the air and smiles. “Cas got a kit for Christmas, and so Sam, Dean, and Cas made some for me. They’re supposed to be friendship bracelets, but I like to call them ‘family bracelets.’”

Sam is the first to show his blue-green threaded band with a soft smile. “Mine says ‘happiness is only real when shared.” It’s a quote from Into the Wild.”

“And mine,” Dean rolls up his sleeve to reveal his own purple and red wristband, “says ‘kick some ass, kid’ because I’m not a nerd like my husband.”

Harriet is caught off-guard when Cas speaks, probably having expected a light and airy voice instead of the deep, monotone one that sounds when he holds his wrist up to show the black-white-yellow pattern he dons. “Mine says ‘go watch the bees.’ You won’t understand it if you weren’t there at the time.”

“Dude, you weren’t even there at the time,” Dean whispers at the angel, who simply nods his head to the left. “You were so spray-paint-high on barbiturates and propofol that you made your way into a cornfield to catch the damn bee. Sammy and I chased you for, like, twenty minutes.”

“Enough, please,” Harriet is rubbing at her temples now, praying to God, who’s currently in Cuba on a sabbatical, for this to end soon. “Jack, what did Ivan say about your bracelets that made you punch him? Was it a bullying situation?”

Jack shakes his head and scrunches up his nose in thought. “No…he pointed at them and yelled ‘what are those?!’ So, I showed them to him. I didn’t mean to hurt him, even though he does throw grapes at me at lunch. I don’t even like grapes.”

This time, Sam is the one to break down into a fit of laughter, unbridled and uncontainable, because of his son’s comment. Dean falls from grace next and joins his giant lover in his spasms of glee, not caring about the daggers Mrs Allen is eyeing them with. Cas just looks at the woman and in all his naïveté ignores the way his coparents are behaving.

“Is Jack in trouble, ma’am?” His blue eyes flutter and squint in confusion. “The letter we got threatened expulsion, and if he’s expelled I’ll have to buy more Crunch Cookie Crunch and nougat.”

Harriet has been forced into defeat by this junior and his dysfunctional parents, and therefore sighs and leans back while pinching the bridge of her nose.

“No, he’s not.” She mutters despite the noise from the two men still calming down. “Now, can you please get out of my office?”

#wincest #sam x dean #sam/dean #samdean #otp: and they were soulmates #fanfic #my fanfiction #wincest fanfic #tfw #tfw 2.0 #domestic boys #wincest crack #crack fic #jacks three dads

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