#yes the pizza tower reference was necessary

[jonathan52492ye]

Dandy's world funnies!1!1!1

-by the way i DO NOT encourage or support the devs of blushcrunch studios and their actions, i just really like the games and characters

[toastedjeans]

Introducing...

TOWER OMENS

A Good Omens and Pizza Tower crossover AU! Because apparently i love combining stuff that couldn't be more different from each other and seeing how it fits.

HEADS UP! If you aren't familiar with Good Omens or haven't seen the series yet, i highly recommend you ignore this post. There will be spoilers! Block the tag "#Tower Omens" for future posts if necessary.

With that out of the way, let's get right into it! [LOTS OF TEXT AHEAD I'M SO SORRY]

But before we look at the characters, a thing i want to mention is that instead of London, most of the events will take place somewhere in Italy. That means that some events, locations, and references will be different from the source material. You'll see what exactly i mean when we get to the timeline changes.

Oh also this will be pepstavo heavy. Because it's my AU and I'm predictable.

Anyway, here's the characters + the percentage of how likely it is they'll keep that role

Peppino as Crowley [1000%]

For being a demon, he's actually a surprisingly good person, and would never hurt anyone innocent. He fell cause he got mad one too many times, and now he's got trauma from the Fall. Other demons don't trust him and keep making his existence harder than it already is. He hates being reminded of the angel he once was, it makes him feel like a failure. Despite that, he would never want to become an angel again, in fear of falling again and going through the same traumatic experience a second time. Also Maurice is up there.

Instead of a snake, his animal form is a cow. No, not a bull. For reasons. His demonic mark is a big mole, burn mark, or scar in the form of a cow's head/skull located on his upper arm.

Instead of the Bentley, Peppino will drive an old Vespa, AND he'll be the one with an establishment. So instead of Aziraphale's bookshop, there will be Peppino's pizzeria! His pizzas are the best in town, not because he yells at them to be better, but because he's just so passionate about cooking. He has small horns he has to hide underneath various hats, and unlike Crowley, he can only marginally change his hair. Sure, he can make them longer, but he'll remain bald so he won't ever be able to hide the horns underneath hair. Usually he wears a chef's hat, and only takes it off around someone he trusts. Also, because of the anxiety, he's a terrible liar.

Lastly, he absolutely hates rats, and only tolerates them when he sees how sweet Gus is to them. But he would never hurt them of course. He just thinks they shouldn't be anywhere near him. Ever. But spoiler alert, he warms up to them cause of Gustavo.

Gustavo as Aziraphale [1000%]

As an angel, he's a good person, but he can still be mischievous at times. He can hide his nervousness pretty well, therefore he is a decent liar, and always here to help Peppino out of a situation when he can't come up with a lie himself. He's very powerful and can get extremely scary when angered. You know he'll kick Maurice's ass once he finds out how he used to treat Peppino.

Gus used to just make food appear with miracles, but after asking Peppino why he didn't do it as well, Pep teaches him how to cook. He sees how passionate he is and how much he's enjoying himself, so he starts to enjoy it a lot as well. They then become coworkers in the pizzeria.

He's more comfortable with experimenting with clothes, so he will appear more feminine in various eras, and sometimes still with the moustache because yes. He has an affinity for animals, especially rats. Instead of magic tricks, he will train rats and then do a little rat circus show (he doesn't harm them of course). Sometimes he feeds rats after shifts and talks to them, basically to keep them out of the pizzeria while Peppino is near.

Maurice as Metatron [95%]

Our favorite scumbag. He used to bully Peppino relentlessly, and still keeps insulting him even when he's not around. But he shuts up around Gustavo cause he's incredibly afraid of him, but won't ever admit it. Knows how powerful he can get. Is always kinda aggressive, but mostly just talks shit and threatens anyone who crosses him with The Fall™. Since he's God's right hand everyone is kinda afraid of him. Hates Noisette and is glad when she disappears and later on leaves

Ziti as Muriel [100%]

They have absolutely no clue what they're doing, but they're doing their best. Afraid of pretty much everyone, especially higher ranking angels since they're authority (yes, even Burton). An even more terrible liar than Peppino. They've never been treated with kindness before, so they grow attached to Peppino and Gustavo really quickly.

They pose as a health inspector instead of police (and i can make them wear a suit!!!). Gus shows them some rats and they immediately fall in love with them. Of course they don't know anything about Earth, as far as they're concerned, rats in the kitchen are a normal thing. Pests? No, look at them, they're too cute to be pests! (Also side note, as much as i still don't quite like Ziti as much, they're perfect for Muriel. I can't see anyone else in that role!)

Noise as Beelzebub [95%]

You know he hates Peppino. When he's in hell, he wears his suit, and his rat ears and tail are visible. But when on Earth (he doesn't come there often, he hates it), he sometimes wears his regular outfit to hide his ears and tail. It's really uncomfortable to him though. Instead of flies, he has fleas who are always surrounding his head. They look like tiny Noisys :).

He'd never admit it but he has a huge crush on Noisette. Even gave Noisette a flea container that now lives in her bunny hood.

Noisette as Gabriel [95%]

First off, major change from the series, hear me out. She's besties with Gustavo. While she's sort of the leader of Heaven, she sometimes lets herself get pushed around by other archangels when there's things she doesn't wanna do. Like punishing Gustavo after the failed Armageddon event. She still feels bad that she had to do this.

Other than that, she's oblivious as hell (pun not intended). She loves spending time with Noise and doesn't care that he's a demon. Or maybe she doesn't quite realize. I mean, he's nice to her, and he's funny. Anyway, even on Earth she keeps her bunny hood up, almost like it's part of her.

As Jim, she will be called Hazel. Since i don't want her to come back naked she just doesn't have the bunny hood on. It triggers her memories but she gets headaches from them, so she can only keep wearing it after getting her memories back. One of Noise's fleas is always on her and she keeps accidentally almost killing it by scratching herself.

Mr Stick as Michael [70%]

Really wants to be in charge, but he doesn't know what he's doing. He relies on the other archangels to do his job but he still wants to be the leader. Just. Without the responsibilities or having to make choices. He thinks he's extremely smart and knows everything better than anyone else. But when tested he insists that everyone else is tricking him or cheating (his waluigi side is showing...). Wants to be intimidating but i mean look at him. He's a twig. I could snap him in half with one hand. And I'm damn weak.

Burton as Sandalphon [70%]

Another one who's very different from the series. He's sweet and polite, but can be a little intimidating due to being Very Large™. He wouldn't hurt a fly though. He's also very good friends with Gustavo and Noisette, but like Noisette, he's sometimes pressured into being mean or cruel - such as attempting to kill Gus - by the other archangels

Fake Peppino as Shax [85%]

He'll be called Bruno in this. He never met Peppino despite looking like him, and being his replacement after Pep got banned from Hell. When angered, he can get extremely intimidating, but mostly he just doesn't quite understand how humans work. His speech is reversed, and only demons can understand him, but others can learn to understand him if they take the time.

He appears more goopy in Hell, like his in game sprite, and looks like the Nothing Compares guy when on Earth, but still can't speak normally. He either uses sign language when having to talk to humans, or just gestures around. Or he thinks he's doing sign language but actually just says gibberish.

In the end when Noise and Noisette are reunited, he gets promoted to Duke of Hell by Noise, but he doesn't want the position so he gives it to someone else.

Pizzahead as Lucifer; Pizzaface as Satan [99%]

Look. If Satan and Lucifer are the same character, then both are just different forms. In my head at least. Pizzaface is Satan (more demonic, huge, gets destroyed), and Pizzahead is Lucifer (more humanoid, human height, may return later).

While PF is more for intimidation, PH is more for visiting Earth in secret or when having to go through the Hell offices. PF created Fake Peppino and the Peppi clones, nobody knows why he seems to be so obsessed with Peppino that he keeps making demons in his image.

Pepperman as Uriel [89%]

He just really wants to get rid of Gustavo. He may look silly but he can be extremely intimidating, and way stronger than he looks. Selfish as heck. I want him to always wear a feather boa, both in his angel form and in his human form. And also i want him to look a bit androgynous. Genderfluid icon. Idk where his art would come into play but I'll find a way probably. Maybe his art form is fashion. So he's always wearing some kinda extravagant clothes, at least when he's on earth. Plus the feather boa.

Vigilante as Hastur [85%]

Basically looks the same as in game while in Hell, but with horns on his cowboy hat. On Earth he looks like a human cowboy. Idk how else to describe it lol. Even if he didn't like Doise very much, he's still mad at Peppino for killing him. He witnesses the Holy Water™ incident and tells Noise, but Noise doesn't believe him.

Doise as Ligur [95%]

Looks very similar to Noise, but unlike him, Doise isn't a rat, but a raccoon. Him and Vigi didn't really like each other that much, but they still preferred each other's company over anyone else's (especially Noise's). He dies via Holy Water but it's not as straightforward as you'd think (explanation below)

Peddito as the Holy Water [95%]

This secret special liquid is made for angels to kill demons easier. When thrown to the ground, it shapes into a sort of clone of the being who used it, but with hollow eyes, which is supposed to confuse or scare the opponent. It has the same strengths and weaknesses as the original, but without fears or other pesky feelings in the way. Since Peppino throws it, it will turn into a form that resembles himself. The liquid will then chase and kill the first thing it sees, in our case Doise, and then vanish with him. Like, he'll just vaporize or something. Only angels know about this weapon, and it is only used in extreme situations.

Peppiclones as Eric (disposable demon) [100%]

There's just. So many of them. Sometimes they get in a fight and kill each other before someone can give them instructions. Feral. Fake Peppino hates them cause they tend to get on his nerves quickly and rarely listen to him (which is impressive since it takes a lot to make him angry or annoyed)

Brick as the Hellhound [100%]

Brick will start out as a Bad Rat, and will turn into a Stupid Rat once given a name. Yes, she will still be gigantic. But she's the only giant rat, all the others are normal sized. Won't stay with Fungo, i really want her to stay with Gustavo (or at least reunite later on?). I don't care there has to be a reunion between them. Maybe Fungo is going to college and can't keep Brick, and the parents can't provide anymore. Idk. I love Brick i want her and Gus to stay friends

The Toppins as the Them & Warlock [101%]

Mushroom as Adam -> human name Fungo

Cheese as Wensleydale -> human name Gio (short for Formaggio)

Tomato as Brian -> human name Tom

Sausage as Warlock -> human name Saul or Soos

Pineapple as Pepper -> human name Pina

Pizzelle as Maggie [75%]

She's hopelessly in love with Rosette, but way too anxious to talk to her. Actually isn't sure if Rosette is flirting with her or if she's that nice to every customer. Sometimes she says things before thinking about them and regrets it later (she lets the demons into the pizzeria). Keeps thinking she's not good enough for Rosette or that she hates her

Rosette as Nina [75%]

She owns a cafe and bakery. Always has a smile on her face and is sweet to everyone she meets. She did just go through a breakup with her toxic partner, but tries to downplay it by acting like nothing happened. Actually didn't realize her partner was really manipulative and controlling until talking to Pizzelle about it when they're shut in during the power outage. She's not quite ready for a new relationship yet but keeps Pizzelle in mind, they're besties for the time being :)

Pizzano as Mr. Brown [55%]

He's an aspiring actor, but can sometimes be too much in his role, so that he keeps convincing himself that Pizzelle is his arch rival. He makes videos/short films on the internet (i don't wanna say he's an influencer but it goes in that direction). He doesn't quite have a crush on Gustavo, but he enjoys his company a lot more than Peppino would like.

✨ Timeline changes ✨

|| Before the beginning ||

Peppino used to be an archangel, he had bigger wings and hair (sorry Pep). Like Crowley, he created the stars but he used something like an oven for it, or maybe a cauldron. He used to be kinda apathetic towards other angels, and only liked creating stars. But he does eventually talk to Gustavo cause he seems genuinely interested in what he does, and nobody ever showed appreciation towards him or his work. Maurice was already a total asshole to him, which obviously angered Peppino, and then he just let him fall one day, stating that he wasn't behaving like an angel should.

Gustavo was a kinda low tier angel, basically just a messenger for other angels. Nice to every angel he meets in hopes of becoming friends. Unlike Aziraphale, he won't immediately be in love with Peppino at first sight but he talks to him more often than others so he starts feeling attached quicker.

|| In the beginning (4004 BC) ||

Peppino unintentionally made Eve eat the apple cause he bumped into the tree in his animal form and it landed directly in front of her. He's first on the wall cowering cause he feels guilty. Then Gustavo joins him and tries lifting the mood a little bit. He's aware that it was the plan to let the humans out but didn't know how. Tries reassuring Pep that he didn't do anything wrong. His weapon would probably be a flaming spear or lance. Or a big pizza shovel thing idk.

|| Bildad Era (Land of Uz 2500 BC) ||

Peppino won't tempt Gustavo to eat food, he's too worried about him falling. Since he has trauma from the fall he doesn't want Gus to go through the same thing so he tries to keep him from indulging too much. But Gustavo always wanted to try food. He knows that he won't get into too much trouble for eating food so he risks it.

|| Knight time (Wessex 537 AD) ||

Peppino is basically in the knight transformation, while Gustavo looks kinda like he appears on the Bloodsauce Dungeon title card. He's actually the one suggesting the arrangement, and Pep refuses more out of fear.

|| French Revolution (Paris 1793) ||

Peppino is the one getting captured. Idk why yet. Anyway, it's like Pig City where Gus has to break Pep out. That was my whole thought

|| Grand opening (deleted scene 1809) ||

Peppino opens his pizzeria for the first time. Noise, Vigilante and Doise visit him, congratulating him (begrudgingly) on spreading the Great Plague of Marseille (France 1720). They heard that Peppino was in France somewhere in the 1700s, but didn't fact check any further. He has no idea what's going on. They then tell him to look out cause there's an angel on Earth in the same area, and if he sees them he can just kill them anyway (maybe they make fun of him for being easily scared). Noise says that Da Boss (PH) wants him to come back to Hell and work side by side with him for some reason, he's pissed as hell (pun intended this time)

Meanwhile Gustavo wanted to congratulate Pep on the opening. When he sees the other demons, he hides, but listens in on the whole conversation. Is more careful since Vigilante has very good senses, and Pep doesn't notice him either. He then basically does what Crowley does in that scene, but leaves a little gift for Pep with a note that implies that he made the demons leave. Pep continues not knowing what's going on.

|| Holy water park break up (1862) ||

Peppino asks for holy water just in case of emergencies, but Gustavo refuses. He won't get angry at him, but more worried, so he offers Peppino his angel ring. It functions like a sort of communication device, so Gus would always know when Pep is wearing it. He tells him to put it on when he needs help or someone to talk to. Pep gets pissed, not only because he didn't get the holy water, but also cause he thinks Gus is making fun of him cause of the ring (also maybe he gets a bit flustered). He runs off and throws the ring back at him.

|| War (1941) ||

Peppino somehow became not just part of the mafia, but the boss. He doesn't know how that happened. His outfit will be inspired by Evil Pep. While he does have experience with using guns, it makes him anxious. He remembers when he was forced to kill others, and freezes up when he has to hold a gun. Sometimes smokes a cigar for intimidation purposes, but actually hates smoking, and will have a coughing fit. Goes by Mr. Spaghetti.

Instead of books, Gustavo delivers lab rats. He wanted to rescue them but either the Mafia or Mussolini want to test various nuclear weapons or whatever on them. Idk why. He gets so upset when he realizes the rats were killed by the bomb, but Peppino revives them, even though he hates rats, and gives them back to Gus. Gustavo is officially smitten.

|| 1967 ||

Peppino is for some reason still a mafia boss. Still wants holy water and wants his goons to bring it to him, but Gustavo stops him. He brings him a flask of special Holy Water, and tries again with offering his ring. He adds that he should see it as a reminder that he'll always be there for him when he needs him. Peppino accepts the ring this time. Since it's an angel ring it either burns or itches and he'll get a rash from it, so he wears it around a necklace. From this point on Peppino is seen wearing the ring around his neck, and Gustavo will not have one anymore. He also doesn't replace it. Also i thought maybe Gus appears more feminine here but still with a moustache because yes. I haven't figured out the outfit yet but i think this could be neat.

|| Nanny time ||

Peppino becomes a home tutor instead of a nanny. He's generally nervous around children, and doesn't wanna do or say anything wrong to them. He's afraid that he makes them cry or upset cause then he'll start to panic. Just like me fr.

Gustavo will appear feminine, as a personal cook for the family. He'll have old cartoon granny vibes, a dress with a cutesy lacey apron with hearts on it, long hair in a bun, and big cute oven mitts. Kinda like that one Granny Gnome in Gnome Forest.

|| Angel Disguise ||

During the pizzeria invasion, Peppino goes to Heaven with Ziti and disguises as an angel, wearing his white hoodie and cap with sunglasses. He'll try to be as authentic as possible so he also wears the ring Gus gave him and kinda forgets it gives him a rash (and also that Gus now thinks something's wrong). Then basically the same things happen as in the series, but with the addition of a very worried Gustavo.

While looking for the Clue™, Gustavo will wear an outfit that's kinda like a mix between Aziraphale and The G sugary spire. Also he will drive that Vespa, even if he doesn't have a license. He promises Peppino to keep it safe of course.

Okay that was a lot. I'll update this post whenever i change some characters around. Still need to figure out Dagon and Furfur (and some others from S1), plus Gerome and John. Hopefully I'll get these roles and characters figured out soon :)

[wordynerdygurl]

Seven Minutes in Heaven

Author’s Note:  Well hello my friends!  Since hitting 1000 Followers in July (WHAT?!  STILL UNBELIEVABLE!!!) I’ve been working on the requests sent in by my amazing troop of readers!  This is another one of those stories which I’m pleased to share.   As always, help my unending need for validation but re-blogging or liking the story!  Also, you can send asks, make your own request, follow me, or be added to my tag-list! Last, @sammy-jo1977 is my beta... and my ride or die home girl!  Thanks lady! Pairing:  Loki x Female Reader, appearances from most of the Avengers

Summary/ Request:  @queenofmischief asked for a story where “Loki and you guys are friends growing up and you realize you like him and try to hide it but somehow at a party or something or another, maybe Seven Minutes in Heaven is involved, it comes out and really hot smut ensues?”

I used some of the ideas you gave me, dear reader, but made it a little more mature, so I sincerely hope you enjoy!

Warnings:  Lots of 80′s references... music, movies, clothes, etc.  References of smut, heavy petting and kissing

ENJOY!

"But, like, I really don't want to go."  Your cellphone, pinned between your ear and shoulder, pushed your earring into the tender flesh behind your lobe.  It probably didn't help that the jewelry in question was a pair of huge hoops, fluorescent in color and hard plastic.

You heard Wanda sigh, "Yea… I know.  It's just, we all are… and you know it'll be worse if you don't show up."

"I really hate it."  Using a sing-song voice didn't change the feelings behind your words.  Going up to the main floor of The Avengers Tower for a theme party was not a thrilling idea.

"I know you do-", pulling open the door between your room and hers, you palmed your phone, frowning at your friend, "-But you look great!"

"Radical… or wicked… or tubular would be more 80's appropriate."  Still, her compliment made you smile.  It really was a great outfit, totally encapsulating the MTV generation's vibe, complete with hot lime colored leg warmers. 

 Your cropped REO Speedwagon t-shirt was cut off at the neck, dripping low enough to expose one whole shoulder, and a wide stripe of the magenta colored tank top underneath.  Having tucked the camisole into your acid washed denim micro miniskirt, you finished the ensemble with a pair of black pumps, and the obligatory scrunchie of cheap yellow satin.  It pulled your hair into a low, side ponytail.

For makeup you'd painted your eye-shadow on, bright turquoise with pink under your brows.  Lipstick in a shimmery rosy hue brought extra attention to your lips.  And you stored your cell phone, lip gloss and keys in your iridescent fanny pack.

Wanda couldn't help giggling at the sight of you and your collection of clashing colors.  For her look tonight she'd dawned a pair of skin tight leggings, an over-sized button down shirt with a stretchy black belt that was about four inches wide.  Ballet flats, teased out hair and stark makeup had Wanda looking like a video vixen.  It was impressive.

"See, you went sexy… and I went silly."  Pouting now, you flopped onto your bed, "Can I just not?"

Sitting down next to you, patting your knee, "You don’t look silly, but you do look like you could be a hair band groupie!  That’s sexy!” Shrugging your shoulders, unconvinced, Wanda added, “Besides, tonight… It may be fun.  And, worse case?  You get blitzed like a teenager on prom night."

"No… that's not the worst case.  Worst case?  He's there."

Sighing, Wanda shook her head, "He does still rub you the wrong way, huh?  And, yes, he may be there… but-" standing, taking you with her, "-it would be a shame to waste all your wicked cool work!"

Hearing her use the dated vernacular made you grin.  She was right.  Tonight could be a blast, if you were able to get out of your head.  Jumping off the bed, unsettling one of those fashionable leg warmers, you hugged your friend tightly.  You could do this.  You wouldn't be alone.  And if Loki was there, he'd just have to get over it.  You weren't going to pay him any attention.

---

"Mr. Loki… can we please go?  We're already stupid late."  

Bending to straighten his red suspenders, Loki smirked at himself, "Greed is good."

Sighing, exasperated and edging into anger, Peter pulled open the front door, "I don't know what that means, but you look… greasy."

"Like I could steal your company in a corporate take over?  Maybe steal your woman too", Loki questioned, excited at the idea.

Crossing his arms over the red puffy vest he had bought specifically for tonight, Peter grunted, "Uh… I… I guess.  I meant more like one of the assholes in Wolf of Wall Street."

God, you had better be there tonight.  Loki was putting a lot of hope on Stark’s little shindig and he wanted to make sure that all of the little details were absolutely perfect, giving him every advantage.  Standing now, slicking back his long dark hair, "That, my young spider friend, is exactly what I am going for… Evil 80′s CEO."

"Great."

Loki heard the frustration in the young man’s voice.  Someday he would understand, Loki thought, turning to the youthful Avenger beside him, "You certainly make a dashing Marty McFly, Peter.  Truly."

"Aw!  Really, Mr. Loki?  Ya mean it?"  That made the Spider Boy preen, popping his collar, and standing a little straighter.

"I do!  Now-" flashing a rakish smile to his reflection as he passed, "-let's get upstairs and see how everyone else is doing!"

---

Everyone else was ready to party.  The last mission, a particularly difficult one, involved Hydra agents banging it out against our heroes along the rough terrain of the polar ice cap.  Draining the physical and emotional resources of everyone, including you and Loki, Tony had planned a little party to kick off a period of rest and relaxation.

As soon as the elevator opened you knew it was going to be an insane night.  Everything was brightly lit.  Paper streamers were strung up haphazardly along the walls and ceiling.  Big plastic buckets of chips and cheese curls were put out on the counter along with a huge punch bowl that reeked of rum and sugary fruit juice.  On the floor in the kitchenette was a garbage can, freezing, full of ice, only the keg tap visible.  A stack of red plastic cups was at the ready.

Someone had ordered pizza.  Well, dozens of pizzas.  The boxes were piled along the table already crammed with pretzel bags and Doritos.  

Steve was being instructed on the basics of Beer Pong and, you decided, definitely being hustled by Sam.  Bucky looked on with curiosity, quietly sneaking closer to the chips and dip, hoping no one would notice.  Rhodey was watching them both through the reflective lenses of his aviator shades, doing a great job of looking like a Top Gun cadet, including the tight jeans and broken-in bomber jacket.  Grinning as he drank down a bottle of beer, Rhodes shouted, "Hey Stank!  Is all of this really necessary?"

"Don't come for me Rhodey!"  Wearing a pair of neon leopard spotted knit pants, a green polo shirt and white sneakers, Tony was clutching a glass bowl filled with little slips of paper to his chest.  No one had managed to figure out what they were or why he held them.  Drinking two beers from his plastic, can holding helmet, Tony would answer only with a slightly slurred, "It's my trashy 80′s party and I do what I want!"

And Tony had thought of everything.  Sounding like a mixed tape pulled from the radio, the tunes didn't let up!  Ratt, Foreigner, Cindi Lauper, Madonna and Tom Petty all took turns blasting through the room.  So many hits from the past pumped through the sound system, getting people on their feet and keeping them there.  You were swinging and swaying along, having a blast, but when Bon Jovi hit the group of Intergalactic Warriors went wild.

Clint, rocking a mullet wig and a vest with no shirt, jumped onto a table making the motions of an air guitar champion.  Singing into a beer bottle like it was his microphone, "Whoooooaaaa we're halfway there…"

Guffawing, you hid behind your Bud Light filled cup, already red cheeked from the non-stop laughing and alcohol in your system.  At some point you had given up Wanda to Vision in a varsity jacket, doing his best jerk-off jock impression, and not quite pulling it off.  It wasn't his fault that he was too polite to put people down in the way of Eighties movie bad guys. Alone, feeling flushed, but happy, you needed a break and some quiet.  Flinging yourself onto the soft sofa, watching the frat house style antics unfold all around, you couldn’t help laughing.  Tony always found a way to knock the group out of their post mission funk.  Sometimes that meant week long Caribbean vacations and sometimes that meant dressing up in retro attire and scream singing with a cold beer in your hands.  Either way, it seemed to bring everyone closer together, and the pictures were certainly worth framing. The couch dipped as someone joined you.  Swiveling, not quite drunk but not quite sober, you couldn’t help the groan that left you.  “Oh.  It’s you.”

Not exactly the response Loki wanted, he was just grateful that you spoke to him at all.  Lately you seemed to flee any room he entered, a hurt and heavy sigh escaping you before you'd make your exit, never looking back.  Loki couldn't understand why.

After all, it had been two months since that night.  The one where he'd stumbled on you, glowing blue in the light of the television set, alone and in the darkness.  You asked him to join you, he had accepted.

The movie was called "Say Anything" and Loki had to admit, as far as romance on film went, this story was very moving.  But that was an unexpected bonus to being so near to you.  Before the credits rolled, you had burrowed against him, snuggled under his arm with your head on his chest.  

Stroking your hair, Loki pressed a kiss to your forehead, thoughtlessly, naturally.  Pushing away, looking up at him through hooded lashes, "You… you kissed me?"

Words failed the silver tongued devil, something he still pondered all these weeks later, so a nod was all you got for a response.  Kneeling, your sleep shirt riding over your thighs, Loki watched your small hand rising to cup his cheek.  Feeling your lips against his own was the beginning of the best night of his life.

And then, nothing.  It was like a switch had been thrown and no matter how many ways he tried to reach out for you, Loki wasn't able to connect.  Not like that night.

So, he was going against his nature tonight.  Joining the group, drinking a bit of his brother's mead, wearing a dated but pristine business suit.  All done in the vain hope that something would shift in his favor.

He had already lost too many nights to memories of you.  Soft, full skin under his broad palms.  The tiny moan you exhaled when Loki’s tongue met your own.  How your wet, willing body accepted him, without question or stipulation.  And in the afterglow, when your head rested in the crook of his neck and your cherry cola scented breath circled him, you let Loki hold you close.

But he buried it all.  Tonight he was the embodiment of all things slick.  Nothing could stick to him; not when he had a goal in mind and this much gel in his hair.  Loki Odinson would be taking you home tonight, come hell or high water. Wolfish, Loki’s grin was wicked, “Yes.  Your dream has come true.”  Sitting back, he crossed his designer suit covered knee at the ankle, exposing socks with little golfers on them.  He let his right arm rest along the back of the sofa, not around you… not yet, but inching closer. “What is that cologne you’re wearing?” “Don’t you like it?  I’m told Drakkar Noir was quite the scent of the 80′s.  I did my research.” Twisting, you looked him over, impressed despite yourself.  The suit was totally of its time.  Black, pinstriped and you were sure the jacket that came with it was draped somewhere safe.  His shirt was shiny but soft and bright, blinding white.  Suspenders of red matched the tie that draped down the center of his chest. With his hair combed straight back and held in place with some kind of product, Loki looked like he was capable of eating a six course lunch at Sardi’s, complete with dirty martinis, then jetting back to the office in time to defraud a corporate spending account.  The kind of executive that blackmails a co-worker with pictures of a mistress.  The kind of douche bag that tries to take over a rec center to build a mall.  In short, an avarice little asshole.  So, why was it so hot? “It’s… overpowering.”, boy, was that an understatement.  Loki’s whole aesthetic was overpowering right now.  And, was he moving closer? His bent knee brushed against your own as he leaned near enough to be heard at a whisper, “You look adorable, you know that?” Scrunching into the corner of the couch, eyeing him suspiciously, “Oh?  Really?” “Really.”, his hand brushed over your exposed shoulder, making you jump at his touch.

Uh uh.  No way.  You would not be so easy to seduce this time around.  Even if those wide hands sent goosebumps growing all over your body, Loki would not charm his way into your panties again.  Not like last time.

It had been spontaneous.  Genuine, at least for you.  And in the moment, it felt like Loki had given you a little piece of himself, a tenderness that no one else ever saw in the far flung Frost Giant.  

Maybe that's why Clint's words hurt so much.  He had told you so casually, holding up a spoonful of Cheerios, "Loki said his last girl was a drag.  Basic bitch?  Is that what the kids say?"

Thinking about it now made your heart hurt.  You had given yourself to someone who thought you were beneath him.  Loki couldn't want you.  You would never be good enough.

But that night haunted you.  His soulful kisses that stole your breath.  The drag of Loki’s hands over the swell of your bottom as you straddled his hips.  His solid chest under your own hands, dark head curved against the couch cushion, but those burning eyes never leaving your face.  “I thought you said I was plain.  Simple.  Boring.”  

Leveling his own words back at him made Loki straighten in his seat.  How could you think that?  Unbalanced, stammering, “Uh… I… I’d never…” “Never expected me to find out?  I believe that.  And, let me tell you this-”  Pushing yourself up with the help of the couch’s arm, you rose on unsteady legs, “-I’m not nearly drunk enough to fall into your arms again.”  Spinning away, you made a dash towards the people in the kitchen, without looking back. Watching you go, Loki could do nothing but stare after your retreating form, flummoxed.

“That was… painful.”

He knew that voice well enough, frustrated, confused and unfit for company, “Go away, Tony.”

“I don’t think I will.  In fact-” sitting down in your empty spot, patting Loki’s knee, “-I’m going to make myself comfortable.  Now, tell Uncle Tony all about it.”

Rolling his eyes, unable to find you in the crowd, Loki risked a sideways glance at his replacement companion.  Was he really going to indulge in this?  Tell his almost friend about you… about your one night together?  Loki raked his hands through the pomade in his hair, growling low, “If you breathe a word of it Tony, I’ll-” Lowering his wrap around sunglasses, peering at Loki, Tony smiled, “Your secret is safe with me.” ---

Thinking less and less about Loki as the night went on should have been a relief but it seemed like the scent of him followed you everywhere.  Unable to get free of him, you busied yourself with drinks, dancing, and munching like you were a kid again.  Anything to keep your mind from wandering.

It's not like the party was boring.  Not at all!  There was plenty to distract you and you let it.  Natasha made you her partner for beer pong and somehow you successfully won against Rhodey and Sam.  

Next, Wanda needed you, which is how you wound up sitting on the bathroom sink listening to her go on about Vision in that wistful, loving way that made your own heart ache.  Being a little drunk, you had to fight the urge to cry because you were lonely and hurting. “I saw you talking to Loki… what was that about?”  She was reapplying ruby red lipstick, studying herself in the mirror, not looking directly at you.  

Wanda's voice cut through your self doubt spiral though, something you were thankful for, and with a casual tone you countered, “He was trying to get something started, I think.” Eyebrows lifting, Wanda’s interested piqued,  “Really?  Loki was hitting on you?” “Yea… I mean, I think so.  Was coming on awfully strong too.  But… he’s been a jerk, right?”  

Wanda cleaned up her eye make-up taking a minute, after washing her hands she looked at you, “I mean, he is here.” “So?” “So, you know he’s not really a joiner.  More of a lone wolf.  In fact, I think this may be the first of these little parties he’s come to.  Maybe he’s changed… grown a bit?  And, honestly, you never asked him about-”

Hopping off the counter, cutting her off, more than a little huffy at her good sense, “No, I didn’t and I don’t plan to.  Loki thinks I’m a bore?  Too basic for him?  Fine.  I have better things to do with my time.” Laying her hand on your shoulder, Wanda stopped you, eyeing you in the mirror once more, “I know his words hurt… but you’re going to have to clear the air eventually.  Especially if we’re all going to work together.”

Shrugging, you offered your friend a small smile.  There was truth in her sentiment, even if your slightly drunken brain rebelled against hearing it, “Yea, you're right… plus-” looking around the small washroom, just to make sure no one could hear the pair of you, “- he looks really hot tonight!”

Giggling, Wanda hugged you close, “I didn’t want to say anything, but… yea he does!” The pair of you were still laughing together, standing at the back of the crowd as Tony turned down the music, announcing, “Gather round children, Uncle Tony needs your attention!”  There were a few groans, mostly from the beer pong table, as apparently Bucky was unhappy about forfeiting his winning match.  Everyone else, in all their high haired glory, were congregating near their host, curious and more than a little drunk.

“Tony, what the hell, man?  You killed the tunes!”, Clint shouted, spilling Bud Light foam as he joined the tightening circle. “Patience, my drunk friend.  You all remember this?”  From the table nearby, Tony picked up his glass bowl, triumphant, “Our Destiny!”

Pepper, sighing with a smile, “So dramatic!” Shaking the bowl in her direction Tony smirked, “Ok smarty, then you pick first.  Go on… Pick!” There were oohs and ahhs from the assembled Avengers.  Rolling her eyes, Pepper reached in, grabbing the first slip her fingers found.  Pulling it free, she grinned, eyeing Tony, “It says ‘Loki’...” Hearing his name, Loki snapped his head up, surprise registering on his face, “Excuse me?” Holding it up for his examination, Pepper waved the slip under the regal nose of the junior Odinson, “See… your name.” “Yes, but why?”

Butting in, Tony snatched the scrap from the hand of his lovely fiance, practically dancing with glee.  Turning to Loki, “Now you, Gordon Gecko, pull a slip.” Aware of all eyes locked on him, Loki reached into the jar, digging around a little more than necessary.  Finally satisfied, the thin paper pinched between his fingers, Loki opened the folded note.  When his fierce gaze met yours, you knew without a doubt.  It was your name he had grabbed. Throwing a thick arm across Loki’s broad shoulders, Tony hugged him close, “Well?  What’s it say?” It all made sense in that moment.  The tacky costumes, flat beer and endless music.  A drunken moment of clarity had descended.  Tony, waving his arms, eating up the crowd’s reactions, heads turning to gauge your response.  Swallowing hard, your hearing failing you, you just faked a smile. You and Loki were going into the closet for Seven Minutes in Heaven. Only there was no way you were going to do that.  Not after what he’d said.  Not after your one night together, right?  But you felt a gentle hand pushing your forward, into the center of your circle of friends and for some reason, your feet followed.  

Refusing didn't enter your mind.  With everyone ogling you and Loki, making a scene would only cause more speculation, something you weren't keen to do.  Instead, you stepped next to Tony, outwardly eager to play along.  

You just shouldn't have dared to look at your proposed make out partner.  Laser focused, Loki’s lusty look hadn’t wavered.  No, the light in those thundering blue eyes was carnal, darker than you had ever seen, matching your own.  Against your better judgement, you wanted Loki, too.

Whatever Tony was saying was a blur, merely sounds, because you were utterly stunned by the nearness of Loki.  The roaring laughs of the rest of the group were drowned out by your pounding heart.  A door opened to a dim room, the pantry maybe?  You didn’t know and in that moment you didn’t really care. 

With a small smile, Loki ducked into the cupboard, lacing his fingers with yours, offering a bit of his strength.  Dragging you inside, your body pinned between a shelf of snacks and the hard body of your frenemy, a whimper of want passed your lips.  Loki still smelled so good and now he was so close.  “Have fun you two!”, Tony’s words were accompanied by the door shutting you and Loki inside, in the dark.  Surrounded by silence, Loki’s sharp pants were the only sound louder than your racing pulse, which was saying something. Afraid to move, afraid of spooking you, Loki struggled to search your stare in the low light.  He had already experienced your angry dismissal of his attention tonight.  It wasn't something he wanted to relive, not when you were so close with sweet and speedy breath, your chest brushing against his own at each exhale.

Lifting a hand, grazing over your uncovered shoulder, Loki's touch was electric.  You moved towards it, towards him, needing more of his energy.  Craving it.

Bold in the dark, you grabbed at Loki’s suspenders, tugging him closer.  Rising on your toes, covering some of the distance between your mouth and his, you pressed a hot kiss to those soft, pink lips.  Under your fluttering fingers Loki shivered, "Darling-"

"Shut up.  I… I don't care."

"But I never…"

"I told you.  I don't care.  Now kiss me like you mean it, because we only have about six more minutes!"

Not needing any more encouragement, Loki found the flare of your hips in the shadows, molding your curves to the rigid planes of his body.  Desperate, needy, you felt his tongue move against your own.  Want, plain and simple, led your own fingers to the collar of Loki’s starched shirt and the tangle of his raven hair. Fisting it, tugging against those luscious locks, you couldn’t seem to get close enough to the tall God sharing your cupboard.  Whining, his name on your lips, you drew Loki tight enough that the press of your breasts was edging towards pain.  Demanding, true to your word, with every pass of Loki’s magical mouth over your own the last few weeks were forgotten. Hungry for more, Loki roughly squeezed the flesh of your ass, grinding you against his wool blend covered crotch.  Stuttering, his arousal was so stiff, for a minute Loki worried about making a mess.  But that feeling was replaced with unbridled ecstasy when your lips found the tender skin below his ear.  

A nip, enough to make Loki hiss, was soon soothed by your sucking on the same spot.  Resting your butt on the nearest shelf, you didn’t have to stand on tip-toe to reach the soft, sweet sections of Loki where you longed to lavish attention.  He took advantage of your new position by sliding a free hand along the swell of your separated thighs.  “I just need to feel you, dove.  I need to know that you want me as much as I want you.”  It was a husky whisper, directly into your ear, and it sent an arc of icy fire to your core.  When his long fingers skimmed over the silky slick of your panties you moaned in unison, bucking into Loki’s touch, lost in the moment. Stepping between your legs, Loki took one of your hands into each of his own, pinning you wide open against the boxes of cereal and granola bars that lined the pantry walls.  Devouring you slowly, Loki kissed along the column of muscles at your throat, across the exposed line of your clavicle.  You could do little more than take his delicious torment as more and more of your sweat dappled skin was serviced by his silver tongue. “Yes… Loki…”, tumbling out of you, just like the night when you first came together, you crooned his name in delight.  Breathless, boneless and broken with need. CLICK!  The sound made you both freeze.  Snapping swiftly, Loki’s head swung towards the door where the bright light and noisy crowd of the party was intruding into your private pantry. “WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!  What do we have here?”  Swinging into the tight space, Tony’s shrewd look took in the scene in seconds, “What were you two doing in here?  It was a very quiet seven minutes!” Straightening to standing, Loki stood, blocking you from sight as you readjusted your clothes.  Smoothing down his tangled strands, sarcasm dripping, “Talking.  Very quietly.”  When he was sure you were decent, Loki offered you his hand, and blinking you stepped back into the wild and raucous party still in full swing.  Tony, flashing a knowing grin your way, nodded, “I hope you didn’t smush the chips!  We still need those!” Giggling, you locked onto Loki’s arm, letting him lead you towards the keg and away from the shouted questions of your friends.  You knew there was no mystery about what happened in those seven minutes.  Hair mused, makeup smudged, lips swollen and shirts twisted, the pair of you were walking neon signs for getting to third base.

Silently Loki poured you a beer, taking a small glass of Asgardian mead for himself, before raising his glass your way.  Returning his gesture, you downed the frothy ale fast, feeling a little parched after your spit swapping time in the hall closet.  Boring into you, his eyes followed each of your movements, searching for a sign of your feelings. Dropping your empty cup on the counter, you turned and jumped onto the marble ledge, feet dangling.  “Loki?” Placing his own glass down gently, Loki took his position between your bent knees, looking down at your darling face, “Yes?” “Did you say those things?  That I was… boring?  Basic?” Shaking his dark waves no, Loki bit into his bottom lip, “Never.  What I said was, my last girl, ages ago, was those things… but my new lady-” tracing along your jaw, tipping your chin his way, “-she is everything I could ever want.”

“Am I… am I your new lady, then?” With a fierce flicker of fire in his eyes, Loki nodded yes this time, “Absolutely.” Leaning into him, arms around his neck, you tugged him down to meet your waiting lips.  “Good.  Good to know.  Because I think I’m going to watch a movie tonight.” “Really?  I recall really enjoying the last one.” “Hmm… me too.”  Sliding off the counter, ducking under Loki’s long arms, you turned back to face him, “My room… say, an hour?”

Snapping his suspenders, smirking, “I’ll be there.”  Watching you skip away made Loki’s pulse pound in anticipation.  Pouring himself another glass of clear liquor, he chuckled, amazed at the change seven minutes had created.  

“You’re welcome.” “Ah!  Yes, many thanks Tony.”  

Leaning against the counter, Tony knocked into Loki’s shoulder, “You’re cute together, Rock of Ages, but don’t make me regret helping you tonight!  Treat her right.”

“Of course.  I... truly, thank you.”, sincerity seeped from Loki at the favor from Tony. “No worries!  No worries!”  Waving away any additional gratitude, Tony looked over the group of half cocked, and totally cocked heroes before him, “Of course the real bitch was getting Pepper to pull your name from the bowl…”

My Marvelous Minxes tag-list:  @queenofmischief @vodka-and-some-sass @just-random-obsessions @brokenthelovely @lots-of-loki @thefallenbibliophilequote @iamverity @iluvsumbucky @unadulteratedwizardlove @wolfsmom1 @procrastinatinglikeabitch @mizfit2 @shxdowofdarkness @nonsensicalobsessions @ahintofkiwistrawberry @jessiejunebug @rorybutnotgilmore @crystalizedcaramel @lokislittlecorner @scrumptious-finicky-illusion @capcapcapsicle @jamielea81 @caffiend-queen @thenatalie @sammy-jo1977 @otakumultimuse-hiddlewhore @is-it-madness @jenjen8675309 @alexakeyloveloki @poetic-fiasco​

[justreadingfics]

Looking For a Heartbeat (10/?)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes X Reader

Series Summary: You and Bucky used to be in a relationship. Feelings were hurt, you left. It’s been two years and you’re back. You both will handle the reunion well, won’t you?

Chapter Summary: A suspicion is confirmed.

Word Count: ~3k

Warnings for this chapter: pregnancy, angst (is this warning even necessary at this point?)

A/N: @nedthegay Ily for always being so  kind in helping me. Links are ruining posts, you can find the masterlist link on my description.

 Two lines.

It only takes two little straight red lines to turn your world upside down.

You’re sitting on the side of the bathtub of the bathroom as your surroundings turn into a blurry fog and your attention is completely focused on the little white stick in your hands, the one Natasha stealthily bought for you after you puked your guts out all over the kitchen sink.

Two lines…

“Y/N? Are you ok? Can we come in?”

It takes a few more seconds, but Wanda’s voice behind the closed door shakes you out from your little stupor. You blink a few quick times and take a deep intake of air before you get up and plod towards the door. When you open it, two pairs of expectant green eyes meet yours.

“You guys were right,” you murmur as you show them the two little lines attesting the positive result, “I am… pregnant.” It’s weird when your own words reach your ears. You’re pregnant. Taking a shuddering breath, you walk past them to slump into the armchair by your bed. The stick still firmly secured in your hand.

It’s a split instant before Nat and Wanda follow you. Nat sits at the arm beside you, placing a hand on your shoulder as Wanda kneels in front of you, concern etched on both their faces.

“I can’t believe it,” the voice coming out of your lips is low, as you stare at nothing, shaking your head, “It was only one time…”

“That’s all it takes, honey,” Natasha snorts, but shuts ups after Wanda shoots a glare at her.  

“I wasn’t taking any precautions,” you keep talking as if Nat never said a word, “There hasn’t been anyone since I left and it was the last thing on my mind when I returned and… and then… that night on the roof, I- I didn’t… we didn’t…” you trail off, looking pleadingly at Wanda and then at Nat, desperately begging them for something, anything, even if you have no idea what. As your confidants and best friends, you don’t have to tell them again which night you’re referring to.

“Shhh,” Wanda sooths, taking your empty hand in hers, “It’s ok, honey. Don’t think of that now.”

“Yeah, babe.” Nat squeezes your shoulder, “We’re here for you. We’ve got your back, no matter what.”

The three of you stay like that for a while, with no more words spoken. Even so, you feel the warmth of their combined presence, their silent and strong support. You feel grateful for having them, because you know you’ll need them. Being pregnant, having a child… you’ve never really thought about any of that before. Even in your best times with Bucky, all you wanted was to experience what you were feeling for him. The idea of a child never crossed your mind, even less so now, when everything is so messed up and complicated.

However…

“Have you thought about what you’re going to do?” Nat breaks the silence in a soft, careful voice, as if she’s read your mind. “It’s still early. You have options and…”

“I know.” You look up at her and nod. “I know you’ll both support me in whatever decision I make…”

“We absolutely will,” Wanda assures you, “Tell us what’s on your mind, dear,” Her thumb draws soft circles on the back of your hand.

“I-I,” You gulp down and lick your lips, “I think I need to be alone right now,” You give them a tight smile, “I need to think about this by myself, just for now.”

“Are you sure?” Wanda asks as a crease appears between her eyebrows, looking up at you.  

“I am.” You bite your lip briefly before continuing, “I’ll sleep on it and I’ll talk to you guys tomorrow. I’ll be ok, I promise. Is that alright?”

“Of course it is, honey.” Nat nods and gets up, being followed by Wanda, “But don’t hesitate on calling us for anything. I mean anything.” She tilts her head, raising a warning brow at you.

“Ok.” You nod, before whispering, “Thank you, guys. I mean it.”

They both give you a bone crushing hug before walking out the door.

As soon as they’re out of your room you let your body fall to the backrest and the tears you’ve been holding back run down your face freely. As a small smile slowly curls up your lips you know you lied to them and even to yourself. You don’t have to think about options. Not at all. Despite the shock, you had your mind made up as soon as you saw those two lines. As much as you’ve never thought about it before, now it’s a reality and all you think about is how you can’t wait to see your baby’s face. Your baby. Your child.

Your smile changes into a blissful, watery laugh and you bring the hand holding the stick to your chest, the other let sprawl over your belly, still seemingly unchanged. The cacophony of sobs and giggles turn into one single sigh of contentment, of cheer and unexpected happiness with a hint of anticipation and even fear, you dare say. A brand new kind of fear, one you’re excited in feeling. A whole new emotion surfaces inside you. The first of many, you’re sure of it.

Bucky.

Your head snaps up at the thought of him. You want to tell him. You need to tell him. He’s the only one you want to talk to right now. You need to call him, tell him to come over, you need to see his face when you tell him.

Leaving the little stick behind, you rush up from your seat to the nightstand where your cellphone is. After you throw yourself on your bed you unlock the screen and search his number on the contacts list. You’re about to press the call button when you freeze.

That little hint of fear morphs into an ice cold dread in your chest. The doubts bubble in your mind as you remember all about your last conversation. He said he needed distance from you. What if he doesn’t get as excited as you about the baby? He’s been away for two months, clearly things are working out between Anna and him, what if he takes the news as bad news? Another thing in the way of his happiness?

The doubts, the uncertainty…they’re terrifying. You definitely don’t want him to think you expect something from him because you’re pregnant. You love him, you desperately do, but you don’t want to get back together because of some sense of obligation or anything like that.

Nevertheless… he has the right to know, doesn’t he? The baby is as much his as it is yours… He is the father after all…

You take your lower lip between your teeth, and nod your decision. He can do  whatever pleases him after he finds out , but you simply can’t not tell him something this life changing and you’re too excited to wait another minute. You gulp down the anxiety creeping up your throat and press the call button.

~~~

“Dinner was absolutely delicious,” Anna exclaims, hanging her coat on the hanger of Bucky’s living room, “Sam and Steve seemed to have liked it, too.”

“Of course they did.” Bucky chuckles, “All-you-can-eat pizza is always a win with them,” he adds, sitting on the sofa.  

“And with you,” Anna mocks, taking a place beside him and holding his hand into hers, “But it’s not just that…” she adds, with a sigh, “They seem to be getting used to, I mean, us. Don’t you think?”

Bucky looks up at her and nods, bringing her hand to his lips, “Of course they are,” he says then resting their joined hands on his lap.

Her smile is soft and hopeful before she lets her head drop to his shoulder. It was the first time they had done something with other people. The news about Anna and him took most of the group by surprise and, since then, it has been… weird, to say the least. They were used to seeing her as a friend, not as Bucky’s girlfriend. But the fact that she was his former therapist is what he suspects that has been the most strange for the team…

Not to mention the fact that Bucky moving out and spending close to no time at the tower or with the whole group have also been an issue. Only Steve and probably also Nat and Wanda know about the latest events concerning you and him, and the rest of them don’t understand why Bucky felt the need to stay away.

But time has been playing its part and, slowly, his closest friends have shown their support. Like Steve and Sam, who had agreed on the dinner. But, in fact, he can’t blame them or the rest of the group for taking the news as odd and needing time to adjust when himself has been having some trouble with it… He thought the affection he felt for Anna would quickly turn into something more and hopefully rip the old feelings out of his heart.

The old feelings…

Anna has been wonderful. A lot more than he deserves. She’s been kind, attentive, patient, never pushing the boundaries not even he knew he had. She’s perfect, absolutely perfect, and he cares for her deeply, but… That’s the thing. He’s not sure what to do to erase the “but” of their relationship.

He has to change it. She deserves all of him. No “buts”. Yes, he’s been honest with her, telling her everything about how he still feels about you, everything that had happened with you before they had that talk after that mission and she accepted him, without question. Even that night at the rooftop didn’t seem to be a problem to her.

She deserves more. He has to let go of the ties that insist to hold him back from giving himself to her fully. He has to.  

“Wanna watch a movie before I go?” Anna lifts her head from his shoulder, looking at him, expectation evident in her eyes.

“Why don’t you stay tonight?” The words slip out of his mouth as he looks down at her. He has to try…

Her eyes widen for a fraction of second, “Are you sure?”

“Of course I am.” It feels good when her smile brings one to his lips, too.

“But, I didn’t bring any clothes…”

He quirks a playful brow at her, “And that’s a problem because…” He laughs and grabs her hand when she shoves him on his chest. An adorable blush tinting her cheeks. “Don’t worry, you can borrow a t-shirt from me.” He kisses her on the cheeks.

“Ok, then.” She tilts his head with a hand on his jaw and pecks him on the lips, “I’ll stay.”

He smiles again. That’s it. He has to try harder and everything will be alright.

“What about that movie now?” Bucky asks.

The grin on Anna’s face is unyielding as she swiftly nods.

~ ~ ~

Halfway through the movie Anna has picked, they’re snuggled together on his sofa, sharing a chocolate bar in dim lights. It’s quiet, simple and calm. Everything Bucky wants and knows he can have with Anna. He’s made the right choice.

The light of an incoming call steals his attention from the movie to his cellphone on the center table. His eyes narrow. Considering he’s on a leave from missions, he wonders who it could be at that late hour…Detaching himself from Anna’s hold, he chuckles at her whine and leans over to grab the vibrating phone.

The name on the screen causes him to freeze as he stares at it.

Y/N?

“Who is it?” Anna asks behind him.

He ignores his racing heart to tilt his head back and answer, “It’s Y/N.” His jaw clenches as the phone keeps vibrating in his hand.

“Oh,” Anna breathes, leaving the chocolate bar aside and shifting on the sofa.

“I’m not gonna take it.” Bucky answers simply, resting his back on the backrest again, and leaving the cellphone on the cushion beside him, right when it stops vibrating. He takes in a breath, and put his arm around Anna, pulling her close. He pretends to pay attention to the movie again.

Even if she cuddles back into him, he can feel the tenseness in Anna’s body. That’s exactly what he doesn’t want to happen. At the same time, he can’t help but wonder why you would call him, he told you the two of you needed to stay away. He knew he would need the distance, precisely to avoid situations like this, when his heart is jumping at the sight of your name on his screen, but having Anna in his arms instead.

His head snaps to his phone as a message alert comes in. It’s almost unconscious when his hand flies to grab the device and unlocks the screen to read your text.

“Hi, I need to talk to you. Could you come over?”

Another comes in almost at the same time.

“Alone?”  

Bucky swallows back as an attempt to ease down the lump in his throat. Looking to the other side, Anna’s seems focused on the movie, but the twitch on her throat and her tight lips are evidences that the movie is the last thing on her mind.

He has to try. This is what he wants. This is what’s right for him. He puts the cellphone back on the cushion.

10 minutes pass that contain only the sounds coming from the TV. The tension makes the air hard to breathe. Ten minutes and his phone starts buzzing again.

“You should answer it, Bucky,” Anna says in a controlled voice, turning to look at him.

“No,” he shakes his head, “I’ve told her we needed space… We haven’t talked to each other in two months, I have no idea why she would call me now.”

He reaches for the buzzing phone and is about to turn down the call when Anna grabs his wrist, stopping him from doing so, prompting him to briskly turn his bewildered expression towards her.

“Just answer it and find out what she wants. It doesn’t seem like she’ll give up,” She forces a tight smile, but her tone reveals on her distress, “It’s ok, go ahead, I’ll grab some water in the kitchen.”

Bucky watches as Anna gets up and rushes to the kitchen, hating the sadness and insecurity gracing her features. Damn it, this is not how he wanted this night to be. Taking in a deep breath, he does what she told him to and swipes his finger to the right.

“Hello,” the growing frustration inside him seeps into his tone.

“Oh, ahm, Hi…Hi, Bucky-”

“Why are you calling, Y/N?” His tone remains harsh after your stammering greeting reaches his ears. The fact that the mere sound of your voice could cause his heart to skip a beat adds to his frustration.

He can hear your short gasp through the phone before you stay silent for a moment, “Ahm, is this a bad time?” you ask with a small voice.

“Yes, yes it is.” He runs his hand over his face, “I’m with my girlfriend right now. I told you we needed to stay away from each other, Y/n. I don’t understand why you’re calling.” The words blurt out of his lips as his chest grows tight and his jaw tenses.

“I-I know, but I need to talk to you. It’s really important.”

“What could you possibly wanna talk about?” Bucky barely holds back the volume of his voice. He knows he’s being a little too aggressive, a little too unfair, but he just can’t help it. He just loses control when it comes to you. Plus, his girlfriend is right there in the kitchen, probably feeling dejected and disappointed on a night when he tried to take the next step on their relationship, but now he’s there talking to you. The woman he still loves like crazy. The one he’s being trying so damn hard to forget. All of that is enough to do a number on his nerves.

He has to be firm. He has to stick to his resolve.  

“Like I said it’s really important,” There’s a renewed and defensive steady tone in your voice, “I’d rather not talk about it on the phone. I thought maybe you could stop by the tower tomorrow. Or we could meet somewhere else…”

“I won’t do any of that.”

“What?” You scoff. Your heavy breathing is loud and clear through the phone,  “Bucky, I know you don’t wanna see me or talk to me. I get it, but-”

“This important thing you wanna talk about, is it about one of our friends? Work? Or does it have anything to do with us?”

“Yes, in a way it’s about us.” Your voice threatens to falter.

“Then I have no interest in it whatsoever and I won’t meet you. Please, don’t push it, Y/N.”

An endless moment of silence goes by before you ask, firmly, “Are you sure?”

“Positive.” He forces himself to say.

“Is this your final word? There’s nothing I could say to change your mind?” You insist.

“Not a thing in the world.” Bucky gulps down after stating his resolution.

“So be it.” Unlike your first lines through the call, your voice is now hard and tied up in determination, “Don’t worry, I won’t ever bother you again.”

He doesn’t have time to say anything else before you hung up.

[theatrelove3000]

Moving Day

Hi! I hate writing these so I am keeping it short. I procrastinated this for the last 13 days but I finally finished it! Also, @thatavengersbitch if you post about my misspelling Stark tower, you will get no Irondad.

Summary: Loki and Noelle move into Stark Tower and watch the Baby Starks.

Warnings: Idk. Swearing maybe? There are references to sex but nothing to crazy. Mostly kissing.

Moving Day

Noelle PoV:

“I think that is everything.” I say breathlessly as I drop the last box onto the floor of the bedroom.

Loki comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. Placing a kiss on my cheek and setting his chin on my shoulder, he starts to complain.“I still do not see why we cannot just share a bed chamber. I know they do not know we are courting but... well. I don’t really sleep without you.” Loki says softly.

I turn in his arms to face him and wrap my arms around his neck. “We are going to share a room. We just can’t do so publicly yet. We have to lay low for a while.” He huffs and pouts, his lower lip jutting out slightly. I laugh and press my lips to his for a moment before backing away and starting to unpack the boxes. 

“Are we going to let them believe we are simply friends? I am not sure if you have noticed but you do not look at me the way you would a friend.” He asks, picking up his box of books and starting to put them in the bookcase.

I scoff, “Me?! What about you? It’s like you have suction cups for fingers!”

“Me? Initiating physical contact? Never.” He comes up behind me and growls the ‘never’ in my ear. He is close but not actually touching me. My automatic reaction is to lean into him. It isn’t until after I did it that it occurs to me that I proved his point.

He laughs triumphantly and wraps his arms around my waist, bending to kiss my neck. Before we can go any further, we are interrupted by a knock on the door. I sigh and Loki groans, releasing me. I open the door and am met by the Iron Man himself.

“Good, you aren’t busy.” He enters the living room, looking around.

“No, no. We aren't unpacking or anything.” I mutter sarcastically. Tony didn’t seem to hear me.

He rounds on me and starts talking again. “So I have a gala tonight and I remembered that you aren’t the biggest fan of crowds so I wondered if you could watch Morgan tonight. Pete is staying here, too, so he will help out. I am willing to pay you to babysit if you want.”

“I’m down. What time are you leaving?”

“About 6:30. I can drop her here but she needs to end up in her room at my place.” He adds, glancing at a text he got.

“We can chill in the lounge and carry her to her own bed.” I say. I catch a glance at who he is talking to and what the contact name is. Spiderson. “Have you adopted the kid yet?” I chuckle.

Tony’s head shoots up to glare at me. “If you must know, I just talked to his aunt about it. I am waiting for the paperwork to show up.”

“That’s fantastic, Tones!” I hug him and he willingly reciprocates. We have been working on physical affection and he has gotten a lot better about it. “Congratulations. Have you told him yet?”

“No. I am waiting for the paperwork to ask him. Don’t say anything about it yet, okay?”

“Got it. Hey! Could I take Morgan with me to the grocery store? It would be better for us to go later in the day so that we aren’t recognized as much.” I throw an arm around his shoulders.

“We normally have things delivered if you’d prefer that than going to a store. We haven’t really been going out since the news of Sokovia broke. Quite the uproar.” He pokes my ribs, trying to make me laugh through the seriousness of his statement.

“Nah. I got this. I am better at disguises than you dweebs. Sunglasses, baseball caps, and hoodies? Amateurs!” 

“You can change your appearance at will!” Tony argues back.

“You can?” I hear a voice behind me and both Tony and I jump.

“By the Norns, Loki! That isn’t funny. You can’t just pop up behind me like that; you’ll hurt yourself.” I warn him, raising an eyebrow.

He laughs and teasingly pats my head. “But then I would never get any of those amusing reactions. And you didn’t answer my question, Noelle.”

I sigh, “Yes I can change my appearance at will. I practiced with Frigga after you fell from the bridge. I thought I told you this?”

“I feel as though-”

“Okay! Time out for thee and time out for thee.” Tony stops us dramatically, “Focus on issues or focus on me.”

Loki and I pause for a moment, looking at the man of Iron. 

“So the kid showed me Thomas Sanders and I think he’s funny. Sue me!”

“I am using that.”

“Thanks a lot, Tony.”

“Blame the kid! Will you come with me for a bit? I need some help with things only you know the answer to.” Tony tips his  head towards the door.

“Uh, sure. You keep unpacking, I will be back.” I say to Loki as I follow Tony out the door.

We head to the elevators and he pushes the button leading to his personal apartments.

“Are you sure he is safe to be around?” he asks.

I roll my eyes and sigh. “Yes. If you are worried about how he will be with Morgan, he had a son before. And from what I have seen at the garden parties, he is excellent with her age group.”

“Wasn’t his son a horse though?” 

“No!” I laugh, “He was Asgardian and looked like we do. Those stories of his ‘children’ were rumours Thor made up and spread to the Midgardians that worshiped them.”

Tony chuckles. “Whatever. If you stay with him, fine. Don't leave him by himself.”

“Yeah. Okay.” He opens the door to his apartment and I am suddenly hit with the smell of pizza and the sound of a toddler playing with her future older brother.

“Hey, kiddos!” I say as I walk in.

“Auntie Elle!” Morgan cries.

“Hi, Baby Stark! How are you?” I ask, lifting the two year old up and onto my hip. She nuzzles into my neck and Peter comes over, doing the same. 

“We are great! Morgan and I missed you. Have you brought Mr. Loki this time?” Peter questions lively.

“I did! He is downstairs unpacking the apartment. He is gonna be helping me watch you two tonight.”

Peter does one of those weird dances and Morgan squeals. The children have never met Loki but Peter really wants to and Morgan doesn’t really know the difference. She is too young to have prejudices against other people. 

I set Morgan on her feet and watch her take off back to the table where she colours while Pete does his homework. I spot Pepper enter the room and make my way over to give her a quick hug.

“Are you settling nicely? Apartment is to your liking?” She asks me, pulling away and patting her daughter’s head. 

“It’s wonderful. Thank you both for letting us move in. We really appreciate it.”

“Nonsense. You don’t need to thank us, Elle. You are family. We wouldn’t have let you live in the streets.” Tony chimes in, draping an arm around my shoulders. “Plus, free babysitting!”

“Woah, woah, woah there, Iron Man. You said you’d pay for my services.” I tease, pushing him away.

He laughs and ducks away from me, “Are you asking for compensation, Lady Darkness?”

“No,” I sigh, “But I am not totally opposed to you buying my groceries?” I cock an eyebrow at him. Pep laughs and hands me a credit card with my name on it. 

“Company card. Whatever you need, we got you.” 

“Thanks, Pep. I am going to go help Loki unpack the rest of our stuff. That is, unless you need me for anything else?”

“Nope. get outta here. See you in a few hours!”

I wave to the children and head back to my room.

~~~~~Le Time Skip~~~~~

Loki is sitting in a chair with a book open in his lap while I am in the common kitchen making tea for both of us. When I finish, I take him one of the mugs. He thanks me and lets his fingers linger on mine for a moment longer than necessary. I walk away before he can decide that he doesn’t care if the others know of our relationship. 

As I sit on the couch and open my book, I hear the elevator doors open and the patter of two little rubber soles running as fast as they could to the couch. 

“Hi!” cries the culprit of the noise. 

“Hello, Morgan! Are you ready to go to the store with me?” 

“Yes!” 

“Okay. Let me put my shoes on and we can go.” I tell her and set her on the couch next to me. 

“We will be back around one or two. Behave yourselves, don’t burn down my tower.” Tony pops his head in and sends Peter into the room.

As I lace up my combat boots, I hear Peter approach Loki. I look up to watch what the kid does.

He sticks his hand out to shake Loki’s hand. “Hi, I’m Peter!”

Loki glances at me before setting his book aside and taking Pete’s hand. “Loki of Asgard.”

Peter releases Loki’s hand and bounces on the balls of his feet. “So… are you really a… bad guy? Auntie Elle says you aren’t but you hear things.”

Loki smirks at the spiderling’s question. “Well, Peter. My villainy varies from moment to moment.”

“Okay! So on a scale from one to ten, ten being, like, killing puppies and one being ‘I’ll spit on your hotdog’, where are you right now?” 

Loki chuckles and purses his lips thinking about it. “Maybe a three?”

“Cool.” Peter says happily, “Just let me know if it gets above a six okay?”

Loki nods and whispers in my mind ‘I like him.’

‘I knew you would!’ I reply. “Okay, kiddos!” I say, out loud this time. “Are we all ready to go to the store? We need to get stuff to make cookies!”

Morgan cheers and tugs my shirt to lift her up. “Before we go… Morgan, this is my very, very good friend, Loki.” 

The toddler gives him a big smile and he waves at her, smiling just as wide at her. The four of us get on the elevator and take it down to the garage level and load into one of Tony’s cars. I drive because a car is not a horse and Loki doesn’t get to drive Tony’s Mercedes. 

~~~~~Le Time Skip II~~~~~

After making cookies, we all sit on the couch for a while and watch Morgan’s favorite movie: Frozen. Morgan is weary of Loki at first but after he uses his magic to turn off the lights and makes a glowing golden orb appear, she is totally comfortable with him. She even tells Peter, “Issa wizard, Petey!” making all of us laugh.

As the night grew later, Morgan warmed up to Loki considerably. She actually ends up crawling over to him and leaning into him during the movie when she gets tired. She falls asleep on his chest and he carries her up to her room. 

She wakes up when he sets her down and she asks him to read to her. 

“Of course, smár einn. What would you like to hear?”

She grins, scrambles out of bed and over to her little white bookcase. She pulls out the book she wants and hands it to Loki.

“Goodnight Moon?” He reads the title and she nods enthusiastically. He nods and helps her back into bed. He sits beside her after she tucks herself in. “Ready?”

“Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown. In the great green room; there was a telephone; and a red balloon; and a picture of; the cow jumping over; And three little bears sitting on chairs; And two little kittens; And a pair of mittens; And a little toy house; And a young mouse; And a comb and a brush and a bowl full of mush; And a quiet old lady who was whispering ‘hush’” 

Baby Stark is falling asleep but is obviously trying to fight it. She keeps trying to keep her eyes open after a particularly long blink. I have to admit I feel a little sleepy myself, what with my lover reading one of my favorite stories from my childhood aloud. How could you not with a velvet voice like his?

“Good night room; Goodnight moon; Goodnight cow jumping over the moon; Goodnight light; And the red balloon; Goodnight Bears; Goodnight chairs; Goodnight Kittens; And goodnight mittens; Goodnight clocks; And goodnight socks; Goodnight little house; And goodnight mouse; Goodnight comb; And goodnight brush; Goodnight nobody; Goodnight mush; Ang goodnight to the old lady whispering ‘hush’;Goodnight stars; Goodnight air; Goodnight noises everywhere.” He finishes at a whisper. She is asleep. 

“Well done.” We hear a whisper at the door. I jump slightly but Loki doesn’t react much. “She never falls asleep that fast.” Tony says, slightly begrudgingly. 

“His voice is soothing to everyone. I am half asleep myself.” I nudge Tony as we all walk out to the elevator. “Have fun tonight?”

He rolls his eyes. “Tons. I am going to bed now. Thank you again.”

“Any time, Tones.” I say as the doors close and Loki and I are finally alone.

He stands relatively close to me and lets his fingers brush my own. If I wasn’t positive of the cameras in the elevator, I would kiss him right here and now.

‘I figured as much.’ He says.

‘I want my bed.’ I groan.

‘I love when you are in bed.’ He smirks. I roll my eyes and elbow him, causing more of a bruise to myself than any damage on him. He chuckles as the doors open again and we enter our apartment. 

As soon as the door is closed behind us, my back is to it and his lips are on mine.

“Calm down.” I whisper against his lips when we come up for air.

“It is difficult knowing that I am in a society where touching you isn’t scandalous and not being able to because we have to keep our relationship a secret.” He growls against my throat. “I am touch-starved.”

I laugh and run my fingers through his hair. “I really am tired, Loki.” I whisper.

“Let me escort you to our chambers then, my love.” And with that, he scoops me up into his arms and carries my to the bedroom. He sets me on the bed and I start to stand up to change into pyjamas but he pushes me back down. He moves to the dresser and pulls out his black sleep pants and my flannel shorts. He throws them to me as I start peeling my clothes off my body.

“You didn’t give me a top.” I tell him. He pulls his own shirt off and hands it to me.

“Problem solved.” 

I laugh and tug his shirt over my head, breathing him in. He smells like tea and old books and the forest. Like home. 

Laying back, I settle against the pillows and watch him move across the rooms to catch the lightswitch. He crawls in next to me and lets me curl into his warmth. 

“You are very good with her.” I whisper.

“She reminds me of Nari. Just as happy as he was.” He mutters.

I let my hand stroke his face, comforting him anyway I can. Nari dies centuries ago but the loss of a child never heals completely. “He loved you.”

“He would have loved you, as well.”

I smile. He thinks his son would have loved me.

Loki starts humming to me. It’s an old Asgardian lullaby that never fails to knock me out. 

I fall asleep minutes later.

[evasjournal]

Brick.

March 13, 2009.

It’s been nine years since a 19-year-old me made the most life-altering decision I have ever made. Yes, one that even surpasses saying “I do,” getting married, and all the life changing momentum that alone brings with it. That’s because on March 13, 2009, I terminated my 13-week pregnancy.

I guess I can’t say that was the day I made the decision, it was just the day I carried it out. The reality is that decision was made, with ease, two weeks before that. Nine years later, I can still remember with great detail how that all unfolded. Today I share it with whomever may care to read it in hopes that speaking out about my story may in the slightest of ways be of help to somebody somewhere out there.

Let’s rewind to February 27, 2009. Wade – my hockey-playing-Canadian-college boyfriend – broke up with me on this date. Out of the blue on this evening, as “Champagne Supernova” played in the background, he tells me that he’s trying out for the NHL after graduation (he was a senior, I was a sophomore) and he needed to see what else was out there.  Basically, I would hold him back and we needed to end things.

That breakup devastated me (and forever ruined “Champagne Supernova”)! I adored him, maybe even loved him in whatever way an emotionally immature, insecure, and clueless 19-year-old could love somebody. I had given up drinking and going out and took up going to church for his straight-edge Catholic ass! Even though we weren’t together for very long, it hurt like hell to be blindsided like that. Little did I know that break up was only the tip of the iceberg for what would become one of the most emotionally charged and difficult times in my life.

In the week that followed the break up, the weird shit that had been happening got worse to the point that I started to get concerned. And by “weird shit” I mean the random spells of nausea and vomiting I had been having, which I would eventually come to understand as “morning sickness” that seemed to occur at all hours of the day except in the actual fucking mornings. I can still vividly remember having to throw my car door open in the MU parking ramp to puke after work on multiple occasions. I also distinctly remember getting sick immediately after taking a multivitamin that my roommate had given me, and that pizza rolls and orange juice did not sit well with me either. It’s weird, really, the random details a mind can recall.

Eventually, there wasn’t more I could do to deny the reality that was staring me in the face. I wasn’t sick, it wasn’t the flu – I otherwise felt fine. I had to face the very real possibility that I could be … pregnant.

To be clear, Wade and I never had sex. He was a virgin – straight edge and a “good” Catholic, remember? He was waiting until marriage, as “good” Catholics do (unlike me, a “not-so-good Catholic” apparently). Ironically, I was at a wedding not too long ago that also happened to be attended by his college roommate whom he’s still friends with … turns out Wade’s about to be a father and he’s NOT yet married! I mean, if purity rings didn’t work out for the Jonas Brothers, can I really say I’m surprised he gave in too?

Anyway, shortly before Wade and I got together there had been that ONE guy and that ONE lapse in judgment on that ONE night. I had gone to a party at the oh-so-cool Legacy Tower one snowy evening. There was a stranger there named Chris that played guitar and sang Mary Jane’s Last Dance and it made me swoon (because I was 19 and stupid and dumb things like that could make me swoon). Needless to say, the best decisions were NOT made on this evening. Could this really be coming back to haunt me? Well, I guess I was going to have to find out.

Step one: buy a pregnancy test.  Have you ever had to do this? I am convinced this is just as awkward for every woman, regardless of your age and relationship status. I went to Target to carry out this task – which, side note: the only Target in a college town is not the place you want to go to complete such a task if you want to avoid being seen by someone you know. To avoid carrying the damn bright pink box of First Response through the store (and avoid anymore run-ins), I paid for the test at the pharmacy. I can still feel that desire I had for the earth to just open and swallow me whole as I waited for the pharmacist to finish ringing me up.

After what is perhaps the saddest and least fulfilling trip to Target that I have ever taken, I returned to the apartment I shared with three other girls. As much as I wanted to immediately run to the bathroom and take the damn test, I couldn’t. I hadn’t shared my suspicions or what I was going through with anyone, so I would have to wait until I was alone. Living with that many girls though, I had to make the time to find myself alone and skipped a few classes the next day to make it happen.

I remember finally mustering up the nerve to drag myself to the bathroom and get it over with. After reading and re-reading the instructions whilst sitting on the toilet for what felt like half an eternity, I tore open the little pink package and went for it. Fuck …. was that awkward. It was the first time I had ever taken a damn pregnancy test - I got pee all over my hands!

I placed the cap back on the test and set it on top of the toilet, washed my hands, and paced back and forth while my stomach did cartwheels until it was time to check the magical little stick that would forever alter my future. The sound of the timer going off on my phone felt like it pierced my chest with tiny needles with every beep it made. I remember literally running over to the toilet to pick up the stick, turning it over, and seeing the two pink (also, why the fuck pink?) lines in the little window. Two, two two … my hands desperately fumbled with the folded-up instructions as I struggled to find the legend or key to decipher what the fuck two tiny little pink lines meant.

“Two lines means NOT pregnant, right?!” I repeated in my head, almost as if it were a prayer. Well, no, it does not appear that it does. So, I checked and re-checked the key, making sure my eyes were not deceiving me. Was I interpreting this correctly?

TWO lines, as it turns out, means pregnant. 

“FUUUUUUUUUCK!!”

“OH MY GOD.”

Those were the first thoughts to cross my mind, as I’m sure would be the case for any girl in that situation. Fear and panic took over my body, followed by a seemingly endless and uncontrollable stream of tears. I felt so, so, so alone in that moment.

At some point I was able to compose myself and come out of that tiny bathroom, but as I opened the door and stepped out, it was as if I was opening the door and stepping into denial.

“Well I’ve never done this before,” I thought to myself.  “So maybe I did it wrong and it’s not really positive!” Because, after all, HOW COULD I BE PREGNANT? I mean, I knew how, but I needed another test because this could just not be happening to me; this happens to other girls!!

If you were a sexually active young woman who went to college, you know what I’m talking about when I refer to those “Pregnant? Need help?” places, because chances are you probably walked by one at some point and prayed you would never need a place like that. Yes, I’m talking about Birth Rite, those places conveniently located near college campuses that have signs offering free help, but more importantly, free pregnancy tests.

I was a broke college student and I just could not fathom the thought of enduring yet another miserable experience buying a test, so I went to Birth Rite knowing full well they were religious and probably slightly cuckoo. I took them up on their offer of a free test (declined their free help) and, not surprisingly, it revealed the same damn two pink lines (seriously, why pink?) that I had desperately wanted to not appear.

To really top off this already awesome experience, I was forced to sit down and have a chat with the pale-yellow-sweater-wearing blonde lady that worked there. She was really trying to get me to come to Jesus, but I had already made up my mind and I don’t think there was anything that could have changed it.

Even though I had my mind made up though, I still looked at it as, “IF I really am pregnant, this is what I’m going to do….” And it was still a really big, whopping IF in my mind. I couldn’t fully accept that I was, in fact, pregnant.

What would it take to convince me? Hearing it from a goddamn doctor.

So, I made a doctor’s appointment - off campus, of course, to try to avoid any possibility of seeing someone I know. I remember telling the nurse that I had already had TWO positive tests and her telling me that the “over-the-counter tests these days are remarkably accurate.”

Thanks, Susan! So not what I wanted to hear! 

But they humored me anyway and ran another test. This time I peed in a cup, somehow still managing to get pee all over my hands. I’ve never peed on my hands so much over the course of one week. I’m 28 now and still have not mastered the art of sticking something between my legs and peeing on it and only on whatever “it” may be.

I returned to the exam room, heart racing and stomach knotted, to await the results. The doctor came in after what seemed like for fucking ever and, I swear for a brief moment - just a split second - I felt like he was going to tell me I was the rare case, the exception, the fluke. That somehow, I had two false positives … but then he hit me with the real news.

“Well, you’re pregnant,” he said as he walked in. I could tell he was unsure, given my age, whether he should be congratulating me or not. It was a very uneasy experience for all of us. He told me the next step would be to establish prenatal care and that he would set me up with a referral, but that I should probably start taking a prenatal vitamin now.  I politely told him that would not be necessary as I was planning on making “alternate arrangements.”

I left there devastated as my reality slowly sunk in and immediately returned to my apartment, got on my pink laptop (yeah, with the pink), and started looking for my “alternate arrangements.” My first thought was: “Ummmm, what the fuck do I google?”

Abortion+Ames+Iowa?

Abortion clinic near me? 

Then, it hit me: Planned Parenthood. Duh! That is where I would start and that is what would be my saving grace. The closest clinic that could help me was in DSM. I knew where I needed to call, the next step would be to actually do so. My hands were shaking as I dialed the numbers into my flip phone. After all the digits were put in, I stared at the little screen for a very long time before I could follow through with hitting “send.” 

Thankfully, the woman on the other end was kind and comforting. I made the appointment for the following Friday, March 13th. Yes, Friday the 13th. The lady told me I would need someone to accompany me. I would be given sedatives and wouldn’t be allowed to drive. Wear comfy clothes. Don’t eat beforehand. She explained the process, answered my questions, and then I was hit with another daunting realization: I couldn’t afford it. 

In the fucking chaos of it all, I hadn’t even considered the financial aspect of the situation I had gotten myself into. The lady told me there were resources and financial assistance available through “X”, “Y”, and “Z” programs, but I would need to call them separately and secure the funding. Nothing was guaranteed and if I wasn’t able to provide the full amount for the procedure on the day of the appointment, the appointment would have to be cancelled. 

So, my next step became to call the various programs to ask for financial help. It was embarrassing and degrading and just overall difficult to make those calls and explain my situation to the strangers on the other end of the line. I hated that I had to explain myself to these strangers not once, not twice, but four times. I hated that my own choices had put me in that position and that I wasn’t even able to face the consequences of my poor decision making on my own. Thank goodness for these programs, though, and for the people that run them, and the donors that believe in these types of causes who make these funds possible.

Thankfully, I was able to secure assistance.

Next step: tell my mom. *insert cringe* That was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I remember calling her before work and telling her that I was going to call her again after work because I had something important to tell her. I don’t know why I did that – she’s always so busy, I think I just wanted to give her a heads up to make sure that she would have enough time to talk to me. She knew after just the first call though – mother’s intuition, I guess. When I called her the second time, I couldn’t seem to find the words or get them to come out of my mouth because I knew that what I was about to say was going to break her heart. She guessed it though, right away, and took the words right from me. She was devastated and just utterly disappointed.

Then I told her what I was going to do and that was even worse. I come from a Mexican, Catholic family and from a very religious mother. She didn’t try to lecture me or tell me I was going to hell though. She just – in what is perhaps the saddest and most disappointed sounding voice I’ve ever heard her use – told me it was wrong and went against God. Outside of that phone call, we’ve never talked about it again, but I have no doubts she’s probably prayed for my soul repeatedly in the nine years since though.

In the days that followed I also told two of my roommates, who were also my best friends at the time (one still is and I’m going to be in her wedding this September – hey Lors!). I also told another really close friend of mine at the time –  Mandy. Mandy would also be the person to accompany me on the day of. The appointment was scheduled for the Friday that spring break started, so my other two friends would be gone already on that day. Mandy was able to work things out so she could come with me on Friday and travel back home later.

Telling each of those three friends about the pregnancy and what I was going to do pretty much followed the same process, even though I told them all on separate occasions: disbelief, acceptance, support. Over the next few years, I eventually shared my story with other close friends, my sister, and now - 9 years later - with everybody on the internet apparently! I’ve become much more open about it. I’ve never been embarrassed or regretful of the decision I made, I just chose to be very private about it. I don’t even think I told my husband until we had been dating for over two years (and he was amazing about it, by the way – very accepting and supportive as well).

The day of finally came. I don’t think I got more than an hour or two of sleep the night before. Don’t eat – check. Comfy clothes – check. We had to leave Ames early since the appointment was forty-five minutes away – I wonder if that clinic is still there? I also needed to stop by the bank so that I could withdraw $250 – my out of pocket portion that I really felt I needed to pay for in cash. At that time, my mom was also on my account … I didn’t want her to see the transaction and be reminded of my fuck up. So, cash it was.

We got to the clinic and had to go through a metal detector first – talk about sketchy AF. But I suppose it is an abortion clinic and at some point, somebody has probably tried bringing a gun into one. The security guard also rummaged through our purses thoroughly before letting us in the heavy metal locked door that led to a waiting area. The waiting room appeared “normal” enough, except for the fact that all of the receptionists were in little windows behind glass, probably bullet proof. I went up to a window and checked in, paid, and then was told to wait for my name to be called. I remember looking around at the other people that were there. There was a young couple sitting off to my right and the song “Brick” by Ben Folds Five started playing on repeat in my head. If you don’t know the song, it’s based on a true story about the lead singer taking his girlfriend to have an abortion.

I couldn’t help but wonder if everyone else was there for the same thing? To this day, I don’t know if that clinic only does abortions or if they do regular Planned Parenthood stuff too. After what seemed like an eternity and “Brick” playing in my head at least seventy-five times, they finally called my name. Mandy couldn’t come back with me, so I had to go alone. This was the mental health assessment portion of it process.

They took me back and sat me at a round table decorated with a vase full of cheap, fake flowers. A lady came in – a nurse, counselor, I don’t know. This is the part where they ask you if you’re really sure that you’re sure. Are you depressed? Do you feel safe in your home? Is anyone forcing you to do this? Do you have supports? Who are they? Who have you told? Are you sure you want to do this? After that, they return you to the waiting room for more - yes, you guessed it - more waiting.

Eventually I was called back in again, but this time when I came back out I wouldn’t be pregnant anymore. I was escorted back to room and told to undress before being taken to another room where I was told I would have an ultrasound done. This, I’m ALMOST POSITIVE, is a last-ditch attempt to see if you’ll change your mind. They conduct the ultrasound and show you the screen with the black and white moving lines that don’t really look like much but you know it’s a baby and you hear the heartbeat and everything! I’m convinced this is the part where most women have a change of heart. The nurse asked me if I wanted a picture and I declined. I don’t know why, but to this day, the ONLY regret I have about the entire thing is that I said no to the picture.

Then they ask you if you’re sure again.

Again, I said yes, I’m sure.

After that, I was taken to another room that was cold, white, and sterile where I was told to lay on the table with the stirrups. Blood pressure and vitals and all that was taken before I was hooked up to an IV and given a “mild” sedative that made me loopy and drowsy AF, but kept me very much awake the entire time.

I remember there was a nurse there and I’m pretty sure her only role was “emotional support.” She stood by my head the entire time, talked to me, and held my hand. The doctor came in and all I remember was that she was a female and had dark hair.

Then, it started. There was a machine and it was loud. Because of the medication, I don’t remember much and that’s probably for the best. It was uncomfortable and at some points utterly painful, but the nurse kept on holding my hand and she talked to me about her recent trip to Africa. A few minutes later, the noise stopped, and the silence was deafening. The doctor told me we were almost done .... but they had to “check the tissue” to make sure they “got it all.” THAT was probably the most disturbing part of the entire process and forever burned into my memory. If they had some sort of survey or suggestion card, my feedback would just be “Thank you for what you do, but please don’t say that to any woman ever again.”

Afterwards, I was taken to a “recovery” area, which was really just a big room with a bunch of recliners separated by curtains. There were other women there recovering from what I can only imagine was the same procedure I just had. There was a small t.v. in my little area and they gave me saltine crackers and 7UP. Thankfully, Mandy was allowed to come back and sit with me during this point. I wasn’t there for very long and was eventually just discharged. No follow up appointment scheduled or needed – just off you go. Thanks for coming ... try not to come again?

I was pretty drowsy and nodded in and out for the entire drive back home. We arrived at my apartment, but Mandy could only stay long enough to drop me off because she had to hit the road. When I got home, I was alone. Everyone was on spring break. 

I remember having Bear Creek chicken noodle soup for dinner that night and that it was just the most comforting thing in the world that I could provide myself in that moment. To this day, I crave that when I’m sick because it feels so comforting to me, but it reminds me of that day every time I have it. I laid on the couch for most of that evening, swaddled up in blankets and watching chick flick rom-coms back to back as I battled through some of the absolute worst cramps of my life. I was told that was to be expected and that I should treat them with advil and heating pads – thanks for the awesome tips Nurse Judy! Anyway, it was a very emotionally charged night filled with lots of tears, wallowing, and self-pity. At one point, probably the lowest point of the entire day, I felt so alone that I called Wade.

We talked and I told him I missed him and he said he missed me too. Then, in a moment of desperation from the overwhelming loneliness I was consumed by, I asked him if we could get back together. He said he didn’t think that was a good idea and that was the last time we talked ... until two years later when he called me out of the blue, told me that letting me go was the biggest mistake he ever made, and asked me to take him back. I asked him if he was rich and in the NHL – just kidding I didn’t ask him that because I KNEW he hadn’t made it past the first round of tryouts. Anyway, I declined his offer. Another side note: about two more years after that, he called me again … this time to ask me if I had HIV. He was going to go donate blood and knew they would ask him. This is when I truly realized what a fucking moron he was. We never did anything sexual so even if I did have HIV how the fuck would I have given it to him? I gave him a crash course in sex ed. and sexually transmitted diseases and never heard from him again.

Anyway, eventually I wore myself out from all the crying and fell asleep on the couch that night. I woke up the next morning, still achy and cramping, and drove back to my parents’ house to spend spring break at home. Life just kind of went on. I didn’t talk about it with my mom when I got home. I didn’t really talk about it with the friends that I had told at the time either. It happened, I wallowed for a night, accepted it, and I moved on.

There just wasn’t much to process. I was at peace with my decision. I do not regret it whatsoever. I would repeat it without hesitation if placed back in those same shoes and given a do-over.

I can recognize what a selfish decision it was. I was only looking out for myself. I never even tried to reach out to Chris. I didn’t want to give up the life I led and where I was going. A baby would have disrupted and derailed everything in my life. Yes, it was selfish.

I look at everything I’ve been able to accomplish because I was able to choose to not have a baby at 19. I graduated college with two degrees and started law school by 21. I graduated with honors from law school and became a licensed attorney by 24. Four years out of law school and I have a job I absolutely fucking love, a nice car, a nice home, and a fucking amazing husband. A friend of mine recently told me I have a “very charmed life and it only keeps getting better.” 

That is absolutely true – I do and I have no doubt that I would not be here or anywhere even near here if I hadn’t made that choice. I would have dropped out of college. I would have moved back in with my parents and returned to that black hole of a hometown that just sucks ambitious people in and holds them captive forever. I’ve seen it happen to the kids I grew up with, the kids in my neighborhood, kids I went to high school with. Now, there’s nothing wrong with small-town life or building your life in the town you grew up in – there is absolutely nothing wrong with that if it’s what you want and how you consciously choose to live your life. But that was never what I wanted; I wanted out and I wanted different. If I had been forced into that life, I have no doubt I would just be a burnt out, hopeless, and resentful woman today.

In my version of “Brick,” the brick would have been not having the termination. If you know the lyrics, you’ll understand the reference. Not going through with it is what would have made me “drown slowly” and had me “headed nowhere,” so I have no regrets. 

I am so thankful for organizations like Planned Parenthood and the National Network of Abortion Funds that make it possible for women to have a say in how their lives pan out. To have options and the ability to make a conscious choice about the matter. I put my story out there because I am not ashamed and believe there should be more open discussions about a woman’s right to choose and why it is so important. Lastly, if the sharing of my story can bring the slightest ease or peace of mind to even just one woman who is facing this choice or has made that choice, then sharing this is absolutely worth it.