#yes the news broke last year but jesus fucking christ I was 11-13 years old playing in this piece of shits fucking soccer club

[coldhands-sunkeneyes]

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

[kindness-bliss]

New Beginnings Ch. 11

Timothy Thatcher x OC

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: none

Tim looked outside as he watched them drive off and rubbed his face and leaned against the wall and watched them all walk towards him. “I know, I know”

“Do you though ? Do you ?” Candice spat out “What in the absolute fuck were you thinking ? What happened ?”

“I just...I couldn’t handle the alcohol, it hit me all at once and then next thing I knew whats her face shoved her tongue down my throat and then...I was the one who initiated it” he admitted quietly “I was the one who took her to the bathroom to…to do that” Tim said not even being able to say the words

“What the fuck is wrong with you ?!” Oney demanded

Tim shook his head as he debated throwing himself in front of a moving car to end his never ending misery “Guys, Candice please”  “No, answer us” Johnny said sternly “Before we all take turns beating the absolute shit out of you, granted Maya clearly did a great job as we can tell by your slight limp and broken bruised nose you shit head !”  

 “Guys !” Tim exclaimed frustrated as he threw his hands down

“So you see her having a good time with us and Marcel so you decide to fuck someone in a bathroom at her own party when you claimed you were heartbroken and wanted her for yourself ? Instead of being a man and pulling her aside you do that ? To Maya, the legit most nicest and genuine person ?” Oney asks

“Oney….” “No I wanna know, I wanna know what it the absolute fuck went through your head when you decided to pull that shit ?” he repeated “This is a girl who liked you, spent 6 months sad over you while you couldn’t even answer a simple text message or call, you acted like a little bitch for 6 months moaning and complaining when you had absolutely no right to. She reached out, she called, left voicemails and sent text messages to you every fucking day for a month straight and you chose not to respond yet you get pissy because you see her enjoy herself with Marcel and all of us, you get jealous seeing her have fun. You’re bitter” he finally says “You’re nothing but a bitter child stuck inside a 38 year old man's body and you don’t deserve Maya. You don’t deserve her kindness nor her love and care because despite her being all lovey with Marcel tonight everyone here can see she wanted you, she craves you and that’s really fucking sad. But I think it’s time we don’t let that happen, it’s time we as her friends don’t let a 25 year old fall for a 38 year old bitter, disrespectful asswipe.”    Tim stood there in silence, swallowing the small amount he had left of pride. For Oney whom he had known for years to reprimand him he knew just how deep and bad shit really was.   “Yeah stay quiet buck teeth” Johnny muttered as he pushed past him with Candice and Fabian “Chipped teeth...not buck teeth” Fabian corrected quietly as he waited with them for an uber turning back when Johnny, Candice and Oney weren’t looking and giving him the finger ***** “Your place, not mine” Maya whispered meekly “I wanna be with you in your space, not mine”  “Anything you want” Marcel said softly as he noticed her holding his hand tightly in hers. This wasn’t in any way what he wanted for them, especially not for her. He felt disgusted as he drove thinking of how broken she must’ve been seeing that.    “I just wanna be with you, anywhere with you” she said quietly as she stared out her window “As long as I’m with you, I’ll be okay” He nodded as he blinked away tears, emotional at hearing her words as he pulled into his apartment building and helped her out   She let out a small shaky breath as she held his hand and walked with him towards the elevator taking off Fabian’s suit jacket as she handed it over “You can give this to him when you see him again, it was extremely kind of him”   “I will” he said softly as he pressed the button and stood with her with looming silence as the elevator took them up to his apartment   “I hate him” she said suddenly “and I’m sorry for everything that I did and said to you while being enamored with him, you didn’t deserve any of that from me”  

 “Maya, no. Don’t say that, listen things happened tonight and I really think tomorrow you two should talk I can call him over and-”

“No” she answered sternly as she shot him a look full of hurt and anger “It ends here, it dies here. He doesn’t exist to me and that’s that”   Marcel simply nodded as he didn’t push the topic any further and walked with her as he opened the door with his key and went to his bedroom to pull out a shirt and sweatpants for her and changed into his usual basketball shorts   

“Thanks” she whispered as she stripped down in the bathroom and threw them on immediately taking in his scent and feeling an immense feel of comfort

  “You didn’t eat” he said softly “let me get you some cereal at least, you still like lucky charms and almond milk ?”   Maya gave a soft grin as she nodded “Yeah...yeah I do, you still remember”

“Of course I do,” Marcel chuckled. “I remember all your likes and dislikes, what shows you love and hate, the fact that you need to sleep on the side by the wall, how you only like your eggs scrambled but never over easy. I remember it all”

 She walked over and looked up at him as he caressed his cheek with her hand “You truly never forgot, you remember and you’re always there for me”

“I always will be, no matter what” he whispered as he touched her hand “As much as I’d like to kiss you, I think you should eat and get in bed, you look exhausted as can be. You need proper rest” Maya nodded as she sat at his table and ate the bowl he served in front of her. It softened her seeing Marcel care so much about her and something about this made her see him in a different light. He wasn’t the vain wrestler who was into himself, he was the man she fell in love with 3 years ago who taught everything there was to know about love.   “What’s going through your head ?” He asked finally “You can be honest with me, I know you still like him a lot judging by how you reacted tonight”  “Marcel...it’s not like that” she explained “It was a shock, that was it. It was just purely shock but just...I don’t wanna talk about it anymore okay ? Can we just stop it please ?”    “Absolutely” he nodded as he picked up her plate “Let’s get to bed”  She nodded and followed as she laid down and scooted close towards him, going beneath his arm as she snuggled up and looked up at him caressing his cheek with her hand    “Hi” he whispered as he gave a soft grin  Maya looked in his eyes and sat up as she cradled his face and kissed him deeply “That’s what I wanted to do all night”   “I-I…wow” Marcel whispered as he licked his lips “That was just, did-did you just kiss me, is this a dream ?”   Maya chuckled as she rolled her eyes “Wow, way to ruin a moment. I’m trying to be romantic over here and do something”   “I’m just shocked is all….you like me ? As in like me more than a friend ?”   “I do” she admits “I really do, these last 6 months you’ve been there for me in so many ways and you’ve made my life so much better. It’s been hard you know ?”   “I do,” Marcel whispered, “But this isn’t exactly how I pictured things working out at all, it’s not how I wanted things to be. I wanted something nice and calm and a bit more romantic” She laughed as she shook her head “Listen life isn’t a fairytale and as much as we’d like to be it’s best just to not expect much and go with the flow. I for one can admit tomorrow I’m probably gonna be hungover and emotional just letting you know ahead   “I’ll be here with you” He pet her cheek as he watched her finally drift to sleep “I’ll always be here with you..” ****  “Well well if it isn’t my favorite student” Eli grinned as he opened the door into the room at the performance center “You’re bright and early Thatch, love when my worst promo student shows up early to class” he laughed Tim rolled his eyes and sat down “Not today alright ? Just get on with the private class so I can go home already” “Not even a death stare or shove today ? Something really must have you down” He raised a brow as he grabbed a chair and sat in front of him “Tell me”    “You haven’t heard ?,” Tim asked surprised. “It’s literally everywhere by now, seriously go check your phone or ask your girlfriend Alli. She has to know” Eli furrowed his brow, taking out his phone and putting it on speaker as he dialed “Baby, hey ! Um have you heard anything about something going down at EVE nightclub in downtown Orlando last night ?”   “Oh my god, yes ! So remember Maya ? Maya Dawson ? The girl we met during one of your commercial shoots in LA and had dinner with a few weeks ago ?” Alli asked not even giving him a chance to answer “Well she apparently had a thing with that one loner dude Tim you work with for a hot minute but nothing serious from what I’ve heard, like not instagram official or anything. All she told me was that they made out a few times but nothing too much”  Eli nodded as he listened “Oh wow, I didn’t know that. Okay go on….” “So they broke up because she didn’t tell him she was engaged prior to that really cute German dude with the blue eyes who happens to be friends with Tim. Drama ensues, she tells me over brunch he never bothered to respond to anything she sent for 6 whole months and she’s back with Marcel on “friendly terms” well she got that Maxim cover and had a big party last night which we got invited but obviously couldn’t go and well...Tim shows up, gets drunk and fucks none other than Kara Smith in the bathroom of the club ! THE Kara Smith !” Alli exclaimed loudly shaking her head disgusted  “NO ! No fucking way ! Um baby, I gotta call you back !” Eli’s eyes widened as he hung up and looked at Tim “You didn’t…. tell me she’s just somehow dramatizing shit”   “How the hell does Alli know everything ?” Tim asked “This is weird, this is why I stay away from social media, this isn’t normal”   Eli scowled “Jesus christ, you fucked Kara Smith and got away with it. That woman has had it out for Maya for the last year, all because miss bleach blonde can’t stand Maya’s more popular, she’s like 33 having it out against a 25 year old. You literally slept with her worst enemy, how drunk were you ?”   “Don’t even remind me” he rubbed his face “I literally am the most hated man in this building, I walked in and immediately it looked like I was gonna get jumped”   “And here I thought I was the whore yet I’ve been in a loving relationship for over a year” Eli chuckled “I can’t believe you man, who does that ?”   Tim shook his head “I don’t even know how to fix this, or even talk to her” “Don’t” Eli answered “Let her be, this isn’t something women get over fast or ever actually, you’re gonna have to suffer man. And quite frankly you deserve it”   He sighed and got up “I’m going home, I don’t feel like being here and quite frankly I don’t wanna hear anymore about how I fucked up”   “Since everyone hates you but me just come to my place” he offered “Alli won’t care, plus I’m done here I was just waiting for you to show up”  Sure it may have been a pity offer but Tim took it with no hesitation “Alright, I’ll drive behind you” he nodded as they both left ****   Maya stirred as she fluttered her eyes open checking her phone for the time, groaning when she saw it was only 8 am , leaning her head back against Marcel's arm as she turned her head and caressed his cheek lightly with her finger tips. She leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his lips taking in all his features, his cheek bones, his soft skin, his chiseled jawline, his defined lips. Everything she loved about him standing out to her as she gulped and moved her hand onto his chest as she kissed him once again slightly deeper, looking into his deep blue eyes once they opened    “Maya ?” he whispered as he pet her cheek, slightly confused as she had kissed him. Confused she had initiated their physical contact rather than him like it had always been   “Hey” she whispered back “I want you….” Maya finally said “I want you now”  As soon as she said those words he leaned in and kissed her ,gently flipping them around so she was on her back as he laid above her and kissed down her neck listening to her loud moans. It had been years since they were together, years since they had last had any kind of physical contact like this.    Maya groaned as she felt his hand down her sweats at her core “t-take them off” Marcel did as told, watching her as he moved his fingers in circular motions, breathing deeply as she kissed along his jaw and removed his shirt. He took his time as he continued to kiss focusing on her breasts feeling her arch her back slightly   “I can’t, please...now” she whimpered “please”  “Are you sure ?” “Yes” she nodded “I’ve been been so sure of something before, yes” He kissed her deeply as he guided himself into her and thrusted in slowly, feeling her nails dig into his shoulder blades “Is it okay ?” “Perfect” she nodded as she hands caressed his face “So perfect, I...I had forgotten how good you feel, how this feels”  Marcel gave a soft grin as he kissed her once again and picked up the pace, holding one hip with his hand as he found a perfect rhythm not keeping his eyes off of hers  She cradled his face and planted a sloppy kiss on his lips arching her back off the mattress and into his body as far as she could feeling the need getting closer and closer  “I’m so close, so fucking close” “Fuck you feel so good” he moaned as he swallowed a deep gulp “Every part of you feels amazing, god I missed you so fucking much Maya, so much”  “Marcel...I can’t hold, I can’t” she whimpered as she felt his hot breath in the crook of her neck He pulled out slightly and pushed back in giving a few more hard thrusts as he picked up the pace and felt her walls clench against him   “Fuck….” she cried out as she came with him wrapping her arms around neck, riding out what was left of their orgasm with him  Marcel collapsed on top of her as he felt her chest rise up and down, her fingers gently playing with his hair

“You okay ?” she asked softly as she lazily kissed his forehead

“I’ve never ever been better” he lifted his chin and looked into her eyes “I haven’t felt like this in a long long time” “Neither have I” she admitted with a smile “Just like old times….”

Marcel blushed at the memories “You mean when we almost got caught by my brother at my mothers house ?”

“And just like that the romance is once again gone” Maya chuckled as she sat up and pulled the sheet up to cover herself 

Marcel laughed as he held her hand in his and kissed it “Now, don’t call me cheesy but….will you be my girlfriend...again ?” “After an orgasm like that ? Of course” she joked as she kissed “But honestly, yes. I would love to”

He let out a sigh of relief as he kissed her back “Things are gonna be good, I promise you that”  

 “No promises” she whispered against his lips “Let’s take it day by day, no pressures no nothing. Just us being together”. She cuddled up against his chest, listening to his heart beat as she dozed back to sleep in his hold ***** “Tim, this is my girlfriend Alli” Eli grinned as he introduced them “Baby, this is Tim”

“I’m loner dude Tim” he said as he offered his hand with a small grin, retracting it when he received a stare back

 “You’ll have to excuse her…women sticking together and that whole thing” he whispered lowly as he sat with him    “May I offer you something to drink as dinner gets closer to being ready ?” Alli asked “Water, Coffee, tea, soda...a condom” she muttered under her breath   “Alli...” Eli looked up at her “Come on, the guy knows he messed up let’s let him not feel like crap for a bit”   “I wanna hear it all, all of it. Not one detail left behind” she scowled as she set the table “Come eat” Tim sighed as he got up and sat and told them everything, everything from how to they had met to their first fight, to finding out the truth and to the previous night  

“So here I am now, hated by 95% of people at the performance center and with a brand new reputation now so yeah life’s great” Eli turned to Alli who had the same expression he had as they both looked at Tim, Alli being the first to speak as she sipped her wine and let out a deep breath “Tim, do you realize you’re in love ?”   “Yeah” he answered quietly, putting his fork down “I do, I realized it last night when I felt myself get angry when I saw her with Marcel enjoying herself. I wasn’t angry because I was jealous or felt possessive, I was angry because she wasn’t with me” Tim admits “because she wasn’t by my side enjoying herself with me and because in that moment it hit me that I majorly messed up. That I was an idiot who let 6 months go by all because I had to be right, I had the need to be in the right when I was in the wrong” “Deep shit” Eli nodded sighing “I just, I just really think you gotta let things cool down for a bit but also send her a text, do what she did to you all those months ago but in your case don’t stop. Do it till you get some kind of response back”  “Or maybe not” Alli said softly as she looked at her phone and showed Eli “Oh…” Tim looked up “what ? what happened ?”,  he looked as Alii gave Eli a nod and moved his eyes towards her phone. A soft breath escaping his lips as he stared at the image in front of him, a picture of Marcel and Maya’s hands intertwined via his IG account  marcel.barthel.wwe “Matching and hand holding with my favorite girl❤️👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨”

“Back together I see” Tim nodded “Well that’s perfectly fine, it’s their right” “I’m gonna um load the dish washer” Alli grinned as she got up quickly and left to the kitchen, Eli following shortly behind her   “Be right back man” he coughed leaving his phone behind on the table Tim looked around as he picked up the phone and unlocked it easily with Eli’s birthday, sure it was wrong as hell but curiosity had gotten the best of him. He quickly went to the instagram app and looked up Marcel’s profile, shaking his head when he saw everyone comment @candicelerae omg love birds ! I can’t handle the cuteness, double date soon please 😍 @thejohnnygargano what she said👆🏻, also u 2 make me wanna puke (in a good way) @indihartwell my other mom and dad, so cute 💕 @fabian.aichnerwwe so I take it you’re gonna take his gym pics now ? @wwestardestroyer I swear if you guys don’t get a damn room already 🤮🤮🤮 “Jerks” Tim muttered as he put the phone down and crossed his arms. Perhaps this was the end of good things for him, or maybe just this once he’d get out of his own shell and go for it. 

[littleredroseonthevalley]

An Opera on Separation - Chapter 16

Prologue | Ch. 1 | Ch. 2 | Ch. 3 | Ch. 4 | Ch. 5 | Ch. 6 | Ch. 7 | Ch. 8 | Ch. 9 | Ch. 10 | Ch. 11 | Ch. 12 | Ch. 13 | Ch. 14 | Ch. 15 | CH. 16 | Ch. 17 | Ch. 18 |

Summary: With Beau and Kassidy arrested, Nathan and Emily carry on with their lives. A misunderstanding, however, forces them into a precipitate decision.

Rating: T - Content not suitable for children.  Suitable for teens, 13 years and older, with minor suggestive adult themes.

Words: 2465

Notes: So, it’s been a couple of weeks/months ever since I last posted it, and it was because I was rethinking my ending. Since I got to no conclusion, I sent it all to Hell and decided to go on with it as planned.

I hope y’all enjoy it.

Blue Danube

Out of all stupid, crazy and adrenaline-high things she had ever done, this one took the cake.

Hartfeld is a rather large city, yes, being in southern New England and at a comfortable distance between both New York and Boston. But at one hundred and twenty thousand inhabitants, mostly concentrated around the university, it wasn’t hard to meet an old face running errands.

Which was why she had to raise up the stakes.

She could not risk anybody seeing her with a pregnancy test. It would be the talk of the university in a few hours if such a thing passed. She had no car, and couldn’t very well ask someone to drive three towns over to go to a pharmacy, especially when there was plenty of those at walking distance.

So she went down to the drugstore, put on a bunch of beauty products on a basket and covertly hid a pee stick box on her overcoat, paid for the cosmetics and bailed out of there.

The only thing worse than having your poster girl pregnant out of wedlock is having her shoplifting a drugstore while pregnant out of wedlock. That shit would be on every paper and local TV station in inland Connecticut.

She rushed home, downing bottle after bottle of water. She ran through her apartment door and shut herself in the bathroom.

Both her roommates were out, having classes and projects of their own, which meant she could wait the test out in peace and no risk of being caught with a, God forbid, two-lined pee stick.

Or a soft cheese, sushi and vodka party, which is what she was planning for her evening tonight.

She pees on the stick and leaves it on the bathroom sink waiting for the most agonizing ten minutes of her entire fucking life. What would she do? She is a college girl. A broke one, for that matter. She had no job and a mountain of student debt.

She could not care for a child! She was stupid and irresponsible, as the situation clearly shows. How would she care for an infant at the same time she has to work to keep a roof over their heads?

Jesus Christ, she is so screwed.

Her phone beeped the end of the ten minutes, but she didn’t have the guts to look at it. She stayed there, leaning against the door and contemplating herself on the mirror, the tear-stricken face and the hair sticking out. She should be giving up on her vanity, anyways. If she was really pregnant, the baby would disfigure her entire body.

She finally had the guts to go over to the counter and take the paper that was covering the result away. And it was just like she expected.

Two lines.

Rebecca Davenport was pregnant and alone.

Nathan, as he often did these days, woke up with a smile.

He was young, handsome, rich and intelligent. He had a hot girlfriend who satisfied him in every sense of the word. His parents were off his back, and he had had the pleasure of enacting his come-uppance over Beau Han.

There was absolutely no reason for him to be unhappy. He was flying high as a kite and would not come down any time soon.

Yesternight, he and Emily went to this ethnic Brazilian steakhouse in Danbury, some fifty miles away. The food was good, even if they had the tendency of eating overcooked meat.

After they came back, Emily invited him to stay over for the night and do some… evening activities. Her roommates were out doing their own thing, so they had the place all to themselves.

The thought of sleeping a mild, late-Spring morning was very tempting, but his natural needs were asking for his attention. He disentangled himself very carefully from his redhead bedmate and tiptoed his way to the bathroom.

After his urges were taken care of, he walked over to the sink to brush his teeth. It would be a pleasant surprise for his girlfriend receiving the first kiss in the morning tasting like mint rather than steak-induced mouth grime.

It was then he saw it. The pregnancy test. The positive pregnancy test.

His breath hitched. It could not be Emily’s, could it? He was careful enough to always use protection, and his girlfriend had said she was on the pill.

He could not deal with that on his own. Much to his displeasure, Nathan needed some help. He finds a plastic bag and places the stick on it, careful not to touch the ‘peed-on’ area.

Racing back to the room, the blond quickly put on his clothes. Looking at the sleeping girl nested on the bed, he leans over to kiss her forehead goodbye, but stops himself only short.

If it was the truth, if this is nothing but a scam for his money, then Emily was not as special as he thought she was.

“We’ll pay her off to abort.” It was the pragmatic solution from Nathan Sterling.

The father, not the son. The two of them sat at the senior’s study on their home in New Haven. Soon after his discovery, the youngest blond hopped on his car and drove straight to see his father.

The relationship between Nathan and pretty much all of his family was strained, to say the very least, but they were certainly on his court this time, given the circumstances. The Sterlings had an image to maintain, and an estate to protect. Bastard children wasn’t conductive to neither.

His father was the young man’s first choice. Lois Sterling would not pass on a chance to demean her enfant terrible, and he didn’t quite trust his extended family not to crave a knife to his back like some pitiful interpretation of Richard III.

“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that.” The son argued. “It still can all be an accident. If we corner her, she would react badly and it would be worse.”

“I follow your reasoning, but I don’t think the family’s welfare is your true motivation for coming after me for advice.”

The youngest hold on a snort at the word ‘advice’, preferring asking: “What do you mean?”

He sighed. “Nathan, be honest with me, do you even want to break up with this girl? Even if she has planned all this from the beginning just to trap you into a shotgun wedding?”

“Of course I do!” He defended, on a high tone. “I mean, if she’s not a gold digger, I prefer to maintain the relationship, of course, but if she is, then I don’t think how we can still be together.”

The man chuckles bitterly and paces around the room. “Son, look at me. I’m not particularly handsome. Not now, not ever. I wasn’t the brightest student my day, either, and people find me to be dismissive. But there’s one thing I am, which is rich beyond every measure.

“When I met your mother, I thought she was the prettiest woman I’d ever meet.” The young man looks at his father with disgust in his eye. “Don’t make that face. She’s never been very sweet, but she still is a very pretty woman. Anyways, of course I wanted to woo her, and I managed to do that with basically my affluence alone.

“And money, Nathan, money and lineage never go away. Looks fade, intelligence get boring and sympathy is tiring, but material goods are forever.” He smirks, take a deep breath and continues: “I know me and Lois aren’t the paradigm for a successful marriage. I know your mother married me just so she could finance her stupid researches. I know she would dump me in a heartbeat if she thought she could get away with it. But I am happy. Isn’t that what matters most?

“If you love this woman, marry her. You don’t have to care if she loves you back or if she just cares for your money, the important thing is for you to want her. We’ll tie her with an iron-clad pre-nup and be done with it.”

The patriarch sets a ring box on the desk, straight in front of Nathan.

“I know you haven’t had much joy in life, son. Allow yourself some now.” The man smiles softly.

The young man took the box and pocketed it. The conversation, as disturbing as it was, gave Nathan much to think about.

Emily was standing by the mirror, contemplating her figure on her wedding dress some half an hour from the actual ceremony.

The Sterling manor house in Martha’s Vineyard was handsomely decorated with the fairest white lilies you have ever seen. The guests congregated on the wide lawn, while the pastor waited by a gazebo overlooking the Atlantic Ocean and Nantucket Island. On the menu, Uruguayan steak or Danish trout, tiramisu as dessert.

On the guest list, besides Emily’s closest friends and her diminutive family, the entire Sterling clan, business associates, their A-list neighbours at the island and members of European royalty.

It was a dream wedding, planned around her wildest expectations to an absurd level of detail. Nathan gave her completely creative control and bottomless funds to make it happen. His only demand was a short engagement: he wanted to get married on Labour Day, which was around three months after his proposal.

And, yet, Emily cannot help but feel a deep, heart-wrenching misery slicing her soul.

“Emily, honey.” Queenie calls from the doorway. “We’re ready for you.”

She can’t help but let a few tears slip through her cheeks. “Mom…”

“Oh, my, honey! Why are you crying?” The woman runs to her daughter, a tissue at hand.

“I… I…” She hiccupped. “I can’t get married, mom. I just can’t.”

“What are you saying, Emily?” The matriarch shot the girl a piercing glare. “Is this about that nonsense again?”

“It isn’t nonsense!” She defended, raising her voice. “Just… just ask Nathan to come here. I need to speak to him.”

Queenie sighed and looked warily at her daughter. “Fine, but you’re making a terrible mistake.”

The blonde woman left and the redhead tried to recompose herself, wiping the tears away.

“Emily?” The groom pops his head into the room. “Are you alright? Your mom asked me to come and talk to you.”

She smiled melancholically at him. “Nathan. Come in, please.”

“Fine, but if it’s unlucky, I’m blaming you.” He smirked at his own stupid joke, walked over to his bride and they sat on a sofa. “What is it?”

“You know I really love you, right?” The woman said, throwing a forlorn look at him with her wide eyes.

He smiled sweetly and kissed her hands. “Of course. And I love you, too.”

“There is something I haven’t told you. Something important.” She said, gravely and firm.

That was it. She would finally confess she was pregnant. Nathan waited and pressed her to confess the whole summer, but she never once gave indication that she would cave in. Nevertheless, today was the day.

The man nudged for her to speak, and so she starts: “I don’t think I ever told you about my senior year in high school.”

“No, you didn’t.” He confirmed.

“I was a different person back then. I was brash and rebellious and opinionated. The Queen Bee type, you know.” She laughs, nervously. “I was head cheerleader and I dated the football quarterback, like some stupid cliché on a Saturday morning special.

“On my Senior-year homecoming ball, he and I had sex. It was my first time, and like every stupid teenager, we ended up forgetting all about protection. A few weeks later, I felt sick and you probably can guess what it was.

“It was legal on the state of Rhode Island to make an abortion back then, but my dad was very sick at the time and we couldn’t afford to go to Providence and pay for the procedure. So my mother and I decided to improvise.

“She went to the drugstore and bought me some vermin medicine and I took three tablets.” Tears started slipping through her eyes once more. “It worked. I aborted the foetus. But I wouldn’t stop bleeding, and we raced to the ER.

“I almost died. We claimed it was a natural abortion; the doctor was suspicious but didn’t confront our version. He did, however, say that my uterus was much too hurt.”

“Wait,” Nathan cuts her off. “Are you saying…?”

“I can’t get pregnant, Nathan.” Emily confesses and cries copiously. “I’m so sorry I never told you. I was afraid that you’d leave me over it, but I know how important bloodline is to your family. I noticed you have been hinting at children after we’re married. If you want to call off the wedding, I totally get it.”

The blond smiled placidly, digesting the news. “Emily, do you know what my dad said when I told him we were engaged? He said for me to do what makes me happy and worry about the rest later.

“You make me happy, Emily. So let’s get married today and worry about children and pregnancy and annoying Sterling aunts later.”

The redhead embraced him and kissed him hard, until them both were breathless and had their faces smeared by the lipstick. “I love you so, so much. And I swear I’ll be the best wife on Earth for you.”

About half an hour later, Nathan stood next to his mother on the altar as the string quartet played. First, enters his dad and Queenie, arm-in-arm. Then, the three bridesmaids: Abigail, Kaitlyn and Madison.

Nathan had no groomsmen, as his closest friends, if they can be called as such, were currently serving time for the rape of a dozen girls of all ages. He didn’t feel comfortable asking other acquaintances or relatives, and Emily didn’t want for him to feel obligated to ask any of her friends. A small blessing, as he held little but contempt for a NFL dunderhead, a faux-talented YA writer and Mr. Dean’s List.

Finally, the bride appeared through the flower arch, on the other end of the long aisle. She was beaming like the Sun that shone blessings over them that morning.

There was not a single reasonable observer that thought this wasn’t a happy bride.

Hours later, as the reception dwindled, but yet shortly before the newlyweds departed for their European honeymoon, Nathan was looking for Emily, who had slipped away from the celebrations some time earlier.

Following the indicative of the caterers, he was crossing the kitchens when he finally saw the bouffant white dress standing on the service door. Before he could call her name, though, he saw she was hugging someone.

A very pregnant Rebecca Davenport.

And, then, it all made sense.

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A Definitive Ranking Of 2000s Rom Coms

Although people who peaked in high school like to act poetic about how great the 2000s were, they werent actually any better than the present day. I mean, it was a time when Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake wore matching denim outfits in public and nobody carted them off to an insane asylum.

But Im prepared to make a concession on two points: 1) At least we werent under the administration of a sentient slime mold wearing a bad wig. 2) The 2000s were a golden age for romantic comedies, mostly thanks to Judy Greers tireless efforts to play every heroines best friend. Plus, only like half the jokes were sexist, and there was about an 80% chance pre-pretentious Matthew McConaughey would show up.

Obviously, a betch has to be picky about her rom-comssome are shitty in a good way, but others are best avoided in case someone catches you watching them. To guide your Netflix viewings, here’s a totally objective list of 00s rom coms. If you disagree, which Im sure everyone will, please note that Im not actually forcing you to watch these movies; Im just saying that if you regularly watch any of the bottom five, you have terrible taste.

14.

is considered a modern classic by two groups of people. 1) men in their late 20s with a crush on Natalie Portman and a thriving quarter-life crisis and 2) 8th graders in 2004 under the assumption that any movie that features a Shins track in its soundtrack is automatically deep. To everyone else, its a film about self-absorbed white people whining about their lives until theyre magically fixed by the power of mixtapes. There are approximately a zillion issues with this film, beginning with Zach Braffs complete lack of expression and ending with the fact that you cant cure real depression by listening to The Shins, no matter how clearly superior the soundtrack is to anything else in this film. Worst of all, though, is the fact that Natalie Portman played a manic pixie dream girl so obnoxious I still dream about strangling her character sometimes. Padme deserves so much better.

13.

Im not saying romantic comedies have to make much sense, but s plot is mystifying. Matthew McConaugheys parents are tired of him living at home, so they call in a lady high class escort (Sarah Jessica Parker) whose job is literally seducing men into moving out of their parents basements and unceremoniously dumping them. Because that’s plausible, and not at all fucked up to force your son to fall in love with someone you’re paying. Ridiculous premise aside, you know a movie is terrible when famed nicegirl Zooey Deschanel is the best thing about it.

12. Monster-in-Law

In case you missed this one, and for your sake I hope you did, is about Jane Fonda inexplicably being terrible to Jennifer Lopez, who walks a lot of dogs and is engaged to Fondas son. That right there should tell you all you need to knowI cannot think of one movie that JLo was in that was anything above mild torture, and we’re supposed to root for her character why, exactly? If my son was engaged to a full-time dog walker you can best believe I’d do everything short of actual murder to put a stop to that bullshit.

11.

Im told some people love this movie, but Jesus fucking Christ, is it possible for the two main characters to be any more appalling? Here you have two assholes manipulating the shit out of each other and just generally acting psychotic, all to win a stupid bet with their friends. They really should call it “How To Act Like A Psychopath And Lose Your Dignity.”

10.

Not gonna lie, I fucking adored when I was an impressionable preteen. It had time travel! Mark Ruffalo! A makeover scene! Years later, the movie is still fun to watch, even if it is way too obsessed with the 80s, but the jokes are more cute than funny. Also, why would anyone allow their 13-year-old child to go to a sleepover hosted by a 30-year-old? That is … questionable to say the least. Not to mention Jennifer Garner’s character does a reverse transformation from a betch into a nicegirl and dumps her hot pro bf in favor of her formerly fat friend. Blah blah, true love, I don’t give a fuck. Tenth.

9.

is close to being wrapped in cutesy narration, but it’s far superior. For one thing, it reintroduced the world to Joseph Gordon-Levitts dimples. For another, it manages to be a fairly realistic depiction of a shitty millennial relationship without being super fucking depressing. But thats also kind of the problemrom coms arent supposed to be realistic, theyre supposed to be clich and feel-good, and I don’t care what you say, Summer is a thot. I have literally stayed up at night mapping how she could have possibly met someone worthy of engagement a mere 118 days after she broke up with Tom, and only six days after attending a wedding as his guest (yes I did the mathI told you; this movie keeps me up at night). No matter how you slice it, she had to have cheated on somebody.

8.

Full disclosure: As a Southern betch, Im stoked that takes place right next door. (Dear Hollywood: An entire country exists between New York and LA.) But even though it features Patrick Dempsey as the other man, Josh Lucas with a dreamy Southern accent, and Reese Witherspoon, there are still some issues. Mainly, WTF WERE YOU THINKING, MELANIE? Did you really dump your future president fianc for your secret redneck husband just so “the first boy you kissed could also be your last”? I’ve heard of trying to keep your number down, but damn if this isn’t some delusional shit.

7.

Everyone on planet Earth can relate to having a batshit crazy family, and thats exactly what makes appealing. The two leads are fine, considering they’re not Kate Hudson or Matthew McConaughey, but the extended family is everyones favorite part of the movie. Honestly the most memorable moment to come out of this movie is the “put some Windex on it”pretty good deal for Windex, not so much for the people who actually starred in the movie. However, it does get points for the memorable line: “The man may be the head of the household, but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she pleases.”

6.

The plot is pretty flimsy (a Canadian businesswoman has to marry her assistant to avoid deportation) but everyone loves a story where the couple starts out hating each other and eventually falls in love. The cast is what makes this movie pure rom com gold: Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, and Betty fucking White, who gifted us with the infamous Native American dance scene. Basically, it’s predictable but ridiculous, making it better than some of the other garbage movies on this list.

5.

Admittedly, is probably to blame for some of the chubby man-child/beautiful, svelte woman couplings we see in the media that give men unrealistic beauty expectations (of the types of women they can expect to date), otherwise known as The Beyonc/Jay Z Phenomenon. But whatevs. Its a good movie. Seth Rogen has that whole dad bod thing going onapparently a thing some people are intoand Katherine Heigl was at the top of her rom com game before she pissed off the entire cast of .is actually hilarious, which is enough to make up for the fact that Katherine Heigl appears in it.

4.

Even aside from my undeniable crush on youthful Sandra Bullock, is a quintessential early-2000s romantic comedy. Allow me to explain. 1) It stars an ambitious career woman who dont need no man. 2) But she kind of wants one anyway, and everyone realizes what a catch she is when she puts on lipstick and a dress. 3) Did I mention its plot is literally an extended makeover scene as Bullock goes from bad ass FBI agent to bad ass beauty pageant contestant? I rest my case. Add in some cute female friendships and a scene in which Bullock teaches us how to fend off an attacker, and its basically required viewing every year.

3.

You had to know was going to make the list despite this amazing take-down article of why it’s actually terrible. With approximately a bajillion storylines going on, its hard not to find one you like and get invested, and it doesnt hurt that the film features every well-known British actor under the sun. Im not sure how the movie manages to juggle all the different plots without being confusing and/or boring, but Im not gonna question it. However, this shit is TOO FUCKING LONG. If I have to pop an Adderall just to make it through a damn movie (which I do), you need to send your editors back to the drawing board.

2.

is the perfect example of a rom com thats super clich in theory, but in practice, its so fucking heartwarming it doesnt even matter (ugh). Katherine Heigl plays ultimate nicegirl Jane (in case the fact that her name is “Jane” wasn’t enough of a clue), whos been part of 27 weddings and miraculously hasnt gone broke from buying all the bridesmaid dresses. The dudes are pretty forgettable, but Janes psychotic sister and slutty best friend totally steal the spotlight, elevating the film to truly betchy heights.

P.S. For once, James Marsden plays the leading man, so his preternaturally perfect face gets more screen time, #bless.

1.

Bridget Joness Diary is the ultimate feel-good movie, as in its literally impossible to watch it without feeling your icy soul thaw ever so slightly at the end. The titular character starts out fat, single, and past the age of 30, so basically our worst nightmare. By the end, though, she manages to bang Hugh Grant and Colin Firth, land a better job, and become a self-described wanton sex goddess. If those arent your life goals, you clearly need to start your own self-help journey.

Read more: http://betches.co/2leb0vU

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