#yes ok i wrote like 50 words and needed to draw it immediately

[mrghostrat]

you've had too much of the digital love you want everything live, you want things you can touch you want something bizarre, old conceptual cars you want girls dressed in drag, you want boys with guitars you go ask your questions like, "what makes a man?" oh, it's 2020 so it's time to change that so you go make an album and call it dreamland

(au: spending his 50th birthday alone in lockdown forces semi-retired rockstar crowley to face all the thoughts he normally buries with distractions. when he realises all his life regrets are just confusion around his sexuality, songwriting his feelings is the only thing that seems to help, but he doesn't have the understanding to figure it out on his own. even though they haven't spoken since graduation 30 years ago, crowley knows his old school friend aziraphale is the one person who'll be able to figure him out)

[chimtaesty]

sucess

pairing: bts ot7 x reader | 1.3k words

warning: none

plot: You make your debut as the maknae of bts and everyone loves it.

(this is a happy version to almost! & it's dedicated to my bby @rosytteok ♡

A/N: Hi there cucumbers! After a long time of no work I finally jumped over my shadow and wrote a little something. This is the happy version to almost. My bby requested it ♡

-

The car radio is on its highest setting and hoseok-hyung almost drove into a car but everyone is happy because we are going to visit Y/N-noona today. “kook! listen” Namjoon rips me out of my thoughts. It's my favourite song off of her album. The song is called success and is dedicated to bangtan. She truly is one of the few people I would give everything for.

Y/N

With a smile you replay the video Jimin sent you 10 minutes ago. The boys are on their way over to the set of your solo debut.

“Close your eyes please” with a smile you close your eyes and your make up artist draws on an eyeliner for you. Suddenly the light goes out and your eyes open. Put as you turn around you can see Jin standing in the center with a cake and the boys gathered around him. With a loud bang of a confetti gun they start to sing happy solo debut for you and you try so hard not to cry.

“We are so proud of you” Namjoon hugs you as the lights are being put on again and they are able to see you in your full glory. “Y/N you little goddess” Jin cheers you on and and gives you a small kiss on the cheek. You blow out the candles while Hobi holds your hair.

“Two more minutes, then we have to get you up there” your director tells you. Yoongs looks at you with furrowed eyebrows. “Up?” You smile.

“Ah, yes. I have to jump off of a swing”

You take a bite out of the cake and take your leave with the boys behind you. But not before Jin gives you a slap for biting into the cake like a barbarian.

Your stylist comes up behind you and puts a big head jewelry-hat like things on your head. It's golden and looks like a gloriole of some sort and it's hella heavy.

“Wow” Kook breathes out and you chuckle. “That bad?” you joke and Joon gasps. “No not at all, it's utterly beautiful.” You smile and stroke his arm until the director comes back. “So, you're going to stand on the swing and let yourself fall back while closing your eyes slowly. We are going to do it twice, one time while standing and one while sitting. Alright?” you smile and nod.

“No problem” He leaves.

“Wait, you're going to fall off of that?” Jin questions. You smile and nod. “I'm going to let myself fall down into this web down there” He nods not liking the idea as much as you.

“Y/N” the director calls your name and you put on the shoes your stylist puts down in front of you. With help of kooks shoulder you are able to get in easily. With a fast pace you walk over to the swing. The boys watch your every step. “The swing is being let down onto the floor so you are able to step on it easily. “Just let yourself fall when I give you a sign.” You smile and give him a OK sign. Slowly you're drawn upwards.

A sign from the director and you let yourself fall back while closing your eyes. The fall is short but so long at the same time. “Great! I don't think that we need the sitting version. That was good on its own” the director smiles and you give him a OK sign. “Sweet Jesus, that looked so terrifying” Hoseok smiles as he embraces you in a big hug. “Y/N” you whip around to acknowledge your stylist. “We need to change, the dancing in the rain is next” you nod and take Hobi as well as Tae by their hands to leave to the dressing room. “You've been working so hard. I'm so excited for the music video”

You smile and stroke Hobi’s hand slightly. “I'm just so excited for when this album is out and I can start the promotions” you smile. Your stylist gives you your jogging pants and the bra top you'll be dancing in the rain. You don't bother changing somewhere hidden, you've seen them naked more times you've stood on stage. “We need to change the make-up a little” you obey and sit down again. Jimin sits down next to you and asks the stylist if he could choose your lipstick. She helps him a little and you're thankful that he chose such a pretty color.

“Y/N, let's go” a staff member urges you to get to the set. You get up with the members in tow.

You're one of the main dancers in bts besides Hobi and Jimin no one can overpower them but you're a dance legend so dancing in the rain would give army the rest. “The water isn't completely cold, we are going to let lukewarm water rain down.” the director explains and you nod. “Just walk in slowly and start to dance, I don't really need to tell you how to act. Just let your charm flow” you smile and high five him.

With slow steps you walk onto the platform. the water immediately creeps into your shoes but you ignore it. You let the song sink in and you forget everything. It controls your body and you dance the choreography with everything you have until the water comes from above. At the end of the song you stay put but you stroke back your hair in the heavy rain. And you give your famous stare to the camera while breathing heavily. “Cut! That was amazing” you smile immediately and wring out your hair as soon as the rain stops. “That's a wrap! Thank you for everything” you are fast to jump over to a chair. You get on top with Jin’s help “Be careful” he whispers and you stroke the back of his head “Could I please have your attention? I would like to say thank you for making my debut such a great and comfortable experience. Even though it was so much work I enjoyed every minute of it. Thank you so much. Everything you want to eat today is on me! Please send our manager-oppa the bill!” Everyone claps and you open your arms to show Jin that he could put you down from the chair but he just holds you in his arms as he walks back to the dressing room.

“This is great” you smile as he carries you.

---

“Hi Army! I'm Y/N and today we are going to react to my debut MV! I've worked on it with a lot of help. My members helped me with producing my album and I had a lot of amazing people helping me with making the music video. So let's go” you're sitting in between Jungkook and Jin. Jimin sits behind you and Yoongi in front of you. You play with his hair while the music video starts. The music video starts with you falling off of a swing which hangs off of a bridge over a busy highway with the quote ‘After all everyone falls somewhere” “Ah! Y/N! That's so sad” Jimin almost chokes you as he clasps your neck to dramatically hug you. You laugh. The video continues with you walking towards a old car while it goes up in flames as you hit a higher note. After that you are seem behind a window you open it and crawl out of it falling down into water. Everything's black before a single strobe of light hits your face swimming irritated in a big white dress. A bigger highlight which Jimin almost cries to is the ending in which the scene switches from you dancing in the rain into you sitting on top of a couch unhappy alone but after seven men with their back turned towards the camera appear you smile brightly.

“THAT WAS SO GREAT” Jimin holds you tight. Suddenly a staff member interrupts you. “The MV hit 50 million ten minutes ago.” You jump us screaming “50 million? But it was released like three hours ago!” Then all of the boys hit your back and congratulate you. “Thank you army!” you shout while laughing dearly in a big group hug.

[mistiedwagonfyre]

M(erry) Monday: Just Some Get to Know You Stuff...

So I got these from moonysmind so I should probably @ them... 

@moonysmind-blog

Ok, let's get this party started! 

1. Do you prefer writing with black or blue pen?

Blue if I'm writing something, black if I'm outlining a paper. But overall, black pens are my go-to just because I have more of them. I seriously need to stock up on blue pens... Also, who uses a red pen for anything other than corrections just because that's the way they've been taught? 

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or the city?

The Country. Or somewhere in the middle. I just feel like I'd be able to manage less people over more people and get to know them more personally. And, let's be honest, the country has gorgeous skies and sprawling fields and meadows. And it feels like you could take a deep breath and just absorb the atmosphere. 

3. If you could learn a new skill, what would it be?

Balance. It would help in everything because yours truly is a ball of clumsy fluff.

4. Do you drink your tea or coffee with sugar?

Heh, I drink hot chocolate with marshmallows so...

5. What was your favourite book as a child?

Anything I could get my hands on. I. Love. Books. My favorite series as a kindergartener was the Magic Tree House tho.

6. Do you prefer baths or showers?

Depends on my mood. Baths are for when I've got tons of time to just relax  and get my mind off things and showers remind me of rain and I love them too. I take showers more often but that doesn't mean anything.

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which would you choose?

This is a hard one cuz I love all things mystical and magical... 

My immediate thought was a dragon but they get killed a lot in the myths and they're almost always stuck guarding something. Then I was like, ok then. What about a phoenix? So ya, I'd be a phoenix. Don't get me wrong, I'd totally go with all the mythical creatures and just cycle through them all, just if I had to choose just one it'd be a phoenix. Maybe, since I'd technically live forever, I could meet every single mythical creature ever. That'd be pwetty cool...

8. Do you prefer reading paper or electronic books?

Paper. It's what I've grown up with. I know, classy me. Also, there is nothing quite like the smell of a new book. Just sayin'.

9. What is your favourite item of clothing?

Punny t-shirts. All I'm gonna say.

10. Do you like your name? Would you ever change it?

Yes. If I had to change it, I'd love to be Reyna or Luna. Otherwise, I'm keeping it.

11. Who is a mentor to you?

Mostly myself. I taught myself to draw, anyhow. If not me, my mom or my newest art teacher or my neighbor. 

12. Would you ever want to be famous? If so, what for?

Yes and no. I want to inspire people (whether with art or my quirky personality) but don't want the pressure that popularity and fame brings. 

13. Are you a restless sleeper? 

If being a night owl counts as restless, then yes. If being a deep sleeper when I am actually asleep doesn't, then no.

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic?

Considering I like guys who are chivalrous and funny... yes?

15. Which element best represents you?

Water. I'm chill until all my suppressed emotions rush out. You can't hold back the ocean forever. And you can't prevent the inevitable: Me being weird. Just ask my sister, she thinks I'm insane (which is probably accurate). Also, I may seem shallow on the surface, but I can actually be very deep sometimes. I could go on and on about my relationship with water, but that's a tale for another time.

16. Who do you want to be closer to?

Everyone. I love strengthening relationships with people. It makes the group stronger as a whole.

17. Do you miss someone at the moment?

Always.

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory.

I'd love too, but then storyteller Mistie will appear and this list will become infinitely longer. You'll have to ask me in my questions tab if you really want to hear one. 

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten?

Can't decide which is weirder: Watermelon with taco seasoning or raw onion with mustard... Both are equally delicious in the summertime at a BBQ.

20. What can you see outside your bedroom window?

A ladder, some rocks, and a dead vole. My old room had a much better view... 

21. What are you most thankful for?

My Savior

22. Do you like spicy food?

Not particularly, no. 

23. Have you ever met someone famous?

Alex Boyé. He went to a really unsanitary restaurant before he came to our house one time and puked all over our newly waxed floors. I feel bad for him. Everyone but him knew not to eat at that runofthemill A&W on the way up. He still put on a mini concert for us tho and that was pretty considerate of him, because he did it even though he can't have felt like doing it.

24. Do you keep a diary or journal?

Yup. I've got entries from back in kindergarten, amazingly. Granted, back then I wrote in pictures.

25. Do you prefer to use pen or pencil?

Pencil. I'm human, I make mistakes.

26. What is your star sign?

Well, I was a Pisces. But then they discovered that there are more stars in the sky, just like there are more fishes in the sea, and just bunched a bunch of Pisces together so now I'm Aquarius. I'm still a Pisces at heart tho.

27. Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy?

Crunchy. Better texture. Soggy cereal is oatmeal in my mind and if you want oatmeal, you actually make oatmeal, not let your cereal sit out for who knows how long. 

28. What would you want your legacy to be?

Legacy is a tricky thing. You've gotta know what people are gonna think of you down the line. I want mine to be simple: she wasn't afraid of who she was and what others would think of that. She was herself, and that's all that matters. I feel like that's the best legacy I could have for the future generations who will grow up in a world of trial and tribulation.

29. Do you like reading? What was the last thing you read?

ABSOLUTELY! I just finished Lodestar from Keeper of the Lost Cities. I shoulda read these books years ago but they're still fan-freaking-tastic! 

30. How do you show someone you love them?

I guess my love language is acts of service or whatever. So I'd probably serve them and do tons of sweet things for them. 

31. Do you like ice in your drinks?

No, it makes it all watery. Blegh.

32. What are you afraid of?

Lots of things. I just only realize when they come along and forget what they are afterwards. Sure, it may seem nice, but it makes the terror of coming into contact with them once more infinitely more terrorizing. But bugs are extremely horrifying. And so are arachnids.

33. What is your favourite scent?

Rain with freshly mowed grass and newly printed books at a campfire with Smores by the seashore. No one will ever be able to create this magnificent scent. 

34. Do you address older people by their first or last name?

Depends on how close we are.

35. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life?

Does this mean that everything is free? Well I'm gonna stockpile food and stuff and then ship them off to 3rd world countries. I'd try to save as many lives as possible. Or I could go there in person to deliver said goods... Yup. I've decided that that's what I'm gonna do!

36. Do you prefer swimming in pools or in the ocean?

Pools have a veil of safety but the ocean is much more beautiful and alive. Also, the smell of chlorine is gross. And the taste. Blegh.

37. What would you do if you found $50 on the ground?

If it looks old and worn and dirty like it's been there a while, imma take it. Chances are whoever lost it has been long gone so I can actually take that $50 w/o feeling guilty. Otherwise I'd leave it there.

38. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Did you make a wish?

Heh, I used to wish on airplanes, satellites, and planets because I thought they were 'special stars'.

39. What is one thing you would want to teach your children?

To be kind, even when it is inconvenient. I don't know how many times someone has held the door open for me even when it seemed much more convenient for them to just go inside where it is warm and just let me open the stupid door on my own. 

Maybe I'd teach them that even the smallest acts can have the biggest impact. One of the two. Probably both.

40. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it?

Heh, you're talkin' to the girl who doesn't want her ears pierced. No way in heck am I getting a tattoo.

41. What can you hear right now?

Music and the sound of my thoughts.

42. Where do you feel the safest?

In a book.

43. What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer?

Darkness and fear.

44. If you could travel back to any era, which would you choose?

The one with Michelangelo, Leonardo, and all those other guys that the ninja turtles were named after.

45. What is your most used emoji?

It's not even an emoji. It is literally XD. Either that or (^^) 

46. What is your favourite season? Why?

Torn between winter (snow), spring (life coming into bloom), and fall (all the pwetty colors).

47. How would you spend your ideal day?

On a window seat during a thunderstorm either sketching or reading a book all wrapped up in a blanket. Preferably with a cat. Sipping warm apple cider or hot chocolate with marshmallows.

48. Describe yourself using one word.

Me.

49. What do you regret the most?

Not realizing certain things sooner.

50. Invent your own word. What does it mean?

Crushyblushy (adj. n.)

The general mannerisms an individual enacts around people that they like (specifically in crush and/or love situations).

syn: awkward, quirky, shy, blushy

ant: confident, flirty, aplomb, able

[pikapeppa]

A stupid modern AU love triangle: Lavellan/Solas/Blackwall

So I came up with this modern AU idea a while ago, thanks in part to @hellarcanine and inspired in part by my undying devotion to Message Sent, but I haven’t expanded on it because I couldn’t figure out the plot or who I wanted Lavellan to end up with. Blackwall or Solas?? I love them both?? And then I was going to put Abelas in it too and I just had to give up because I HAVE PROBLEMS OK

I wrote this one tiny snippet of the fic and I probably won’t write anymore, but what better time to share it than for @dadrunkwriting Friday?

*******************

Second swimsuit, got it… light cardi… fenedhis, where’s that green one I like for the summer?

Ellana flicked through the hangers in her closet once more, her frustration rising as she failed to find the mint-green cardigan in question. Finally her eyes dropped to the floor of the closet.

There, she thought with annoyance; the cardigan lay in a crumpled heap on top of the myriad boxes and purses at the bottom of her closet. She grabbed it and backed out of the closet, then realized with a jolt what she was holding.

It was definitely a cardigan, but it wasn’t hers.

Ellana stared at the garment in her hand for a long moment. Then she dropped the cardigan on the bed and picked up her phone.

She held the phone in her hands for a few seconds, then put it down and continued her packing. Sunscreen and elfroot after-sun lotion went into a plastic bag and then into her carry-on; spare phone charger, a favourite dog-eared novel for the beach, beaded sandals for the evening: she tucked it all snugly into her bag, but she wasn’t focused on her packing anymore. The men’s cardigan on her bed kept drawing her unwilling attention, like a car accident on the freeway.

Finally she was packed, the small suitcase filled with everything except the stuff she’d need for the morning. There was no excuse not to text him.

She picked up her phone and swiped into her messages.

--Ellana 20:34-- Hey, I found one of your cardigans in my closet. I’ll bring it to the clinic when we get back from the Arbor Wilds

She tossed the phone down on the bed and went to the kitchen to make some tea. When she came back and casually checked her phone, his reply was there.

--Solas 20:35-- You can bring it with you. I am coming on the trip as well.

She stared at the screen in disbelief. Solas was coming on the work holiday? Ellana had assumed he wouldn’t come; he only reluctantly joined in with social events at work, and even less so since he’d broken up with her. He’d always been too busy with his research and his writing to go travelling with her when they were together, and suddenly he was coming on this vacation with all their colleagues?

He only sees patients at the clinic one day a week, she thought petulantly. He barely counts as staff. Frankly, Ellana was kind of surprised Leliana was willing to pay for him to come along.

She sat on the bed and mindlessly sipped her tea, then tapped out a reply.

--Ellana 20:38-- I didn’t know you were coming? I thought you had to teach

--Solas 20:39-- Josephine was quite insistent. And I must use some of my vacation days before I lose them.

Ellana snorted a bitter little laugh. Of course he had too many vacation days in his bank. The damned man never took a day off.

She idly swiped through her apps and sorted some emails, then returned to her messages again.

--Ellana 20:42-- Ok well I’ll see you at the airport then

She nibbled the inside of her cheek as she watched her screen, but when the three little dots didn’t appear, she put her phone aside and went to go fold her laundry.

A few minutes in, she heard the text chime of her phone. She hurried back to her room and picked it up, but the message wasn’t from Solas.

--Thom 20:50-- hey you - just confirming, pick up at 6:30am tmr?

She smiled fondly. Thom had asked her this already when he’d swung by her office on his way out of the clinic. The burly physiotherapist had started at Leliana’s clinic shortly after Ellana had accepted the clinical psychologist position, and they’d instantly become friends. So she knew Thom well enough to know he was just looking for an excuse to message her.

She quickly sent him a reply.

--Ellana 20:50-- Yes, that’s perfect - no change since you asked me four hours ago ;)

She bit her lip to quell her grin as she watched the three little dots immediately appear. A moment later, Blackwall’s reply popped up.

--Thom 20:50-- right - ok - see you in the morning then mlady :)

She chuckled, then sent him off one last message.

--Ellana 20:51-- Goodnight xo

She grinned as she imagined the reddening of his cheeks beneath his beard, then stretched her arms idly as she stood to go finish the laundry. But as she moved back toward the living room, her phone chimed again.

She glanced at the screen, and her amusement faded back into a faint buzz of anxiety.

--Solas 20:51-- Goodnight, Ellana.

Her heart squeezed at the flatness of his words. They were so cold and final-looking. Then she berated herself for caring. She and Solas weren’t together anymore; they were just colleagues now. He didn’t owe her any kind of warm words at night. Besides, she was dating Thom now.  

But Solas’s previous night-time greetings floated up from the back of her mind, freed from the place where she tried to squash her memories of him. Pleasant dreams, he always used to say. It was how he’d sign off at the end of their late-night phone calls, back in the early days. It was what he’d whisper to her every night as they fell asleep, his chest pressed against her naked back.

She shoved the memory away, replacing it instead with the thought of Thom’s warm smile. She returned to the living room and went back to folding her laundry, her mind pleasantly occupied with the thought of Thom’s big strong hands on her waist and the endearing tickle of his beard when he kissed her on the cheek.

Later that night, as she turned off the TV and went to take her shower, she picked up her phone and glanced at the screen. There was a message there, one she must have missed from earlier that night.

Her stomach flip-flopped as she read it.

--Solas 20:51-- Pleasant dreams.

[rmjagonshi]

Whole Again  - Chapter 4

Whole Again on AO3

The temperature was immediately different upon stepping into the crypt. The stonework acting as an insulator against the cold Icelandic environment. The room beyond the doorway was wide, but low; the ceiling hardly two feet above their heads. The ceiling and walls were rounded, blending into one another with smooth curves. If Stan had been younger, he could have jumped and smacked the stone, but his knees were 50/50 on good days.  

The chamber looked as though it had been a mine once, large pillars left behind after removing material to help support the ceiling. The pillars were positioned lengthwise, one in front of the other with a gated door at the other end of the room. Cast iron and well-oiled enough to be resistant against rust. “Barred. Hmmm. You said you had a crowbar?” Ford turned to Stan, rubbing his chin. “’Course.” Stan flipped his pack around and dug out the crowbar before inspecting the gate. The metal nearest to the stone was probably the weakest due to moisture exchange. He could try bending the gate there first and yanking it out of the door frame. That was only if the gate was standalone and not integrated into the wall itself. Maybe he should have considered bolt cutters, or a welding torch.

Ford had wandered off, taking more pictures and (now that he was able) pulling his journal out to write some more. Whatever, let the alpha male do the hard work. He slipped the crowbar between the stone and the iron rod and put pressure on the crowbar. Nothing. Ok, not a problem. He grabbed the end of the bar and pushed as hard had he could. Nothing. Stan breathed and held back the flow of curses he wanted to scream. Instead he rubbed at his forearms and pushed against the bar with all his weight. He felt movement! It was the crowbar bending under the pressure. The profanities that echoed off the walls reverberated to the surface, startling an artic fox that had been hunting in the snow.  

Stan was ready to start throwing things and turn the iron to rust and splinters with a snap of his fingers, when he heard a quiet flip of a latch. He felt a rumble through the stone as some counter weight was dropped, lifting the iron gate he’d be ashamed to admit had not even dented.

“Hey. My crowbar!” Stan smacked at the tool as it rose with the gate, knocking it loose and wincing as it tumbled down on his head. “Ow!” Stan rubbed at his head, kneeling on the floor, and watching the dust fall. Part of the wall it is.

Ford exited a hidden corner of the room and Stan stopped grumbling long enough to get off the floor. “There are a series of symbols in ancient Gaelic engraved along every wall. The pictographs seem to be recording a religious or spiritual ritual that was performed here. I believe the inhabitants may have worshiped an interdimensional being, these glyphs look familiar.”    

“Hey, next time you wanna start touching random shit, let me know, will ya?” Stan shouted, collecting both of their bags, and packing away his crowbar. “Hm? Oh, yes, fine.” Ford said, completely not paying attention to anything Stan had said. Stan rolled his eyes but held back a complaint when Ford continued speaking. “I took some rubbings for further study. I may have to consult some of my old notes. Shame we tossed those journals in the Bottomless Pit, I could use some references now.” This wasn’t the first time Ford had made a passing remark lamenting the loss of the journals. If he was so upset, why not take a trip back to Gravity Falls and start re-recording all the weird things that existed there. They were on ‘ok’ terms with most of the creatures there, it wouldn’t be hard. Instead, Stan simply reminded Ford of the danger their contents possessed. “Those things were dangerous. Inert of not, some of that stuff should be forgotten. And hey, it can’t be that hard to learn ancient Gaelic. Heck, I learned your stupid nerd code in about a year. Should take you a few weeks to a month, tops.”

Ford looked apprehensive…and maybe a little resigned. “Dare I ask if you decoded everything?”

“I had that thing for thirty years, Stanford. Yeah, I read the whole thing. Could’a probably recited some pages before the whole memory wipe thing.” Stan was a world class liar, born with a silver tongue that had matured to tempered platinum with age, but he disliked lying to his brother. Sure, lying by omission was one thing, but flat out telling a falsehood gave him acid reflux. At least with Stanford. It felt…wrong. But Stanford didn’t need to know he could recite every word on every page.

Ford looked sheepish, right hand grasping at his left arm nervously. “Look Stan, I…” Stan interrupted him, “Hey, its nothin’. You missed me, but you were mad. I missed you, but I never bothered to reach out to ya. We both needed to grow up.” There was that bile taste again, but Ford really didn’t need to know about…that night either.

“I know, but I…what I wrote…what I was thinking…you know that it was just...” Ford was distraught, or approaching that limit. “I didn’t mean it.”

A moment passed. Then another. Stan sighed. Stanford had meant it. But that was a bucket of rotten fish Stan had no intention of ever opening. Even if he did, this was not the time nor place to be doing that anyway. “Hey, we’ll talk later. Right now, we have a crypt to plunder and ancient squiggles to archive. We got time.” Stan had placed a hand on Ford’s shoulder and Ford returned Stan’s smile with a weak one of his own, but a smile nonetheless. “Now common, we got ourselves some real adventurin’ to do.” Stan slung both bags over his shoulders and charged through the open gate, Ford left with no other alternative, followed him.

The second room opened into a towering chamber with a massive and ornate central pillar. Stan could hear drips of water echoing in the cavern. A rickety wooden ramp led them up to a platform that had been carved into the central pillar. A ledge bordering the room had once been connected to the central pillar, but the bridge had collapsed. Under the debris, was a body.

Everything passed the poor sod’s topmost ribs had been crushed, just a pile of grey bones and threadbare cloth that looked as if it would turn to dust. One hand, stretched out in front, was wrapped brittlely around what looked like a sculpted lizard or bird foot. Ford knelt down and broke the bones, drawing the thing up with him as he stood.  

It was a bronze, three-toed dragon’s foot. Ford held it up close to his face and Stan supplied the light. It glinted slightly, but was tarnished. It was highly detailed for its time; the toes having folds and creases to represent skin and scales before shifting to the claws. The sculpture seemed to end at the ankle joint.

“But where would they get the reference from? A Comodo Dragon? But where would they get one? Did the Nordic people travel that far south? Could one have been traded? Was it alive? No, preserved, most likely; it’s doubtful that it would have survived this climate.” Stan had rolled his eyes and pulled out a tiny notebook from his back pocket, half a pencil from the lip of his beanie and scribbled down a few key words that Ford had prattled off. “’Comodo dragon, preserved foot, how far did travel’, Got it” Ford sighed and rolled his eyes, but said nothing, Stan’s small notes did help him remember his spontaneous questions.

Stan pocketed the sculpture and his notebook, Ford’s jacket already near bursting, and they ascended the ramp to the next level. The distance from the central pillar to the next floor was too far to jump. “There doesn’t seem to be another way across. Too bad, this is all stone; my magnet gun is useless.” The answer was simple.

Stan’s steady aim with the grappling hook and squeezing Ford to his side with his free arm, ensured hasty progress. Albeit, slightly bruised ribs and a sore shoulder. Man, he was getting old. Ford had squeaked in surprise when Stan had grabbed him, sputtering his hesitation at this “horrible and highly dangerous idea”, but Stan had only grinned maniacally and held on tighter. They landed roughly. Or rather, Stanford had landed in his classic hero pose and Stan tumbled head over foot, landing on his ass. He hurt, but it was worth it.

Ford stood, brushing himself off and peering to the top of the cavern. He let out a low whistle. “These ledges go all the up. It appears that this room acts as a central connecting point to all surrounding chambers. I don’t see any direct connections, though. Maybe there are stairs elsewhere. Hey Stan, you mind waiting a bit while I take notes?” Ford glanced back at Stan who was still a bit winded from his reenactment of Tarzan. “Stan?” Stan waved him off, shuffling on the floor to lean against the wall. Getting old sucked. He didn’t recommend it.

While Ford sketched and buzzed with energy, Stan rested, drinking some water, and munching a granola bar. It was bizarre, this place felt creepily familiar, but no matter how much he tried to pull the knowledge to his head, it seemed to flitter away before he could get a good look at it. It was almost as if the ward had protected this place from his mind too. And wards. That didn’t make any sense. The shack was still warded against him, but he had no problems going in and out. What made this place different? It grated at his mind that he couldn’t remember. Sure, he’d gotten used to having gaps in his memory, and he had tried to ignore that he just knew things now, but it was like a lyric to a song you just couldn’t get right so the song plays at the edges of your mind driving you crazy, and you can’t even remember the name of the song or who sang it and you couldn’t even ask anyone because you killed them all and…ok, time to calm down. His gums had started to twinge as he clenched his dentures together.

He’d been meaning to ask Ford if he knew how to regrow teeth (he didn’t) or at least invent something like a serum that could (he could, but it was painful). ARRRGH! Why? Why just know things unless it was about something that was helpful? Stan wanted a cigar to chew on, but he settled for a stick of gum. ‘Course smoking was how he lost his real teeth, that and bare knuckles boxing in Mexico. There was more than one night he spat out a tooth, but his winnings paid for passable, if not functional, bridges. Come to think of it, he was lucky to have his eyes after some of those matches.

Eyes. Eye. Yellow eyes, what was that?! Yeah, anything that was a depiction of him was a window, but the dragon or wyvern wasn’t a depiction of him…was it? Or not him, not him him, but past him. Oy. I need an organizer. Stan rubbed his eye eyes, two eyes, and glanced around his little corner. He caught sight of three waist high stone structures that looked like sliced bread loaves. Or maybe he was just hungry. Regardless, there were three of them, and they seemed to be facing each other, meeting in the middle. He couldn’t tell if the floor between them was dusty, broken or what, but there was something weird about the pattern those mounds made. Stan called out to Ford.

“Hey, Sixer! There’s a-a thing that might be interestin’ for ya.” He didn’t spare the mental energy to actually describe anything, counting on Sixer’s gravitational pull towards him to do the trick.

“Find something?” Ford had returned and Stan pointed out the stone mounds. “Whadd’ya make of those?”

Ford hummed as he wandered around the stone figures, crouching down to trace the designs on the faces. Stan eased himself off the floor, grabbing his bag, and making his way over to Stanford. He approached Ford’s left side and stood directly in the middle of the three mounds. Both brothers jerked at the eruption of red light from the floor and designs on the stone. They both turned towards the bang of a gate opening to their right that Stan had not noticed before. “What the hell…?” Stan mumbled slowly and took a step. Almost instantly, the light vanished and the gate closed again. Ford strode over and peered through the gate, Stan followed, weirded out by the light a moment ago. “It’s a puzzle. Two people must work together to open the way through. See…” Ford held the flashlight aloft and pointed to the other side of the room beyond the gate. “I suspect that to open that one, we’ll have to make the totems match with their counterparts on this side.”  

“Hey, I got this one.” Stan patted his brother on the shoulder, fully intending to not stand in the ring of creepy red light again. Ford nodded and returned to the ring, the light appeared again and Stan ducked through when the gate rose. He stood in the center of the room, and froze.  

Shoot, he hadn’t bothered to look at the symbols. “Um..Sixer?” he called, hesitantly, voice filled with embarrassment. “Stand facing the next door” Ok, he could do that. He turned to his left, facing the barred doorway; he could see Ford from the corner of his left eye. He turned a bit more to look at Ford again.  

“No, Stan like this. See me?” Ford waved and adjusted his body to face directly between two of the figureheads. Stan grumbled, but turned to mimic his brother. “Reach out your left hand to the nearest one. This one should be a whale. Or, at least it kind of looks like a whale.” Stan rolled his eyes, stepped forwards and tried to spin the figurehead. It didn’t budge.

“Stan?”

“Hang on a minute, would ya? This thing ‘s heavy.”

He placed his hands on the top of the stone for leverage and pushed. The figurehead sank into the floor slightly before turning. “Oh”

“What?”

“Nunin’, Sixer. I got it.” He pressed down again and turned it so the whale was facing him. Ford was right, it did look kinda like a whale. Kinda. He returned to his previous position.

“Ok. Turn right, the next should be a snake” Stan did as Ford directed; this one did look a bit more like it was supposed to.

“The last one’s an owl.” No, it wasn’t. It looked like a cat’s head on a bird body. Whoever carved the mural likely had never seen an owl before. Stan’s call of “Got It” was drowned out by the clang of the rising gates.

Ford joined him a moment later, holding out a granola bar to Stan. He waved it off and pulled out the empty wrapper from his earlier one. Ford shrugged, tore it open and began to eat as they walked.

The hall they followed didn’t go up; they went down. “The rooms above aren’t connected?” Ford asked himself quizzically.  

“There might’a been a ramp or sommin that use ta be there. There was a lot o’ debris back there”. There had been a ramp, but it had been vaporized and left only dust. Stan scowled at this tidbit of information entering his brain involuntarily. Ford didn’t seem to notice, instead he just hummed and made a few notations on his phone as they walked. Several of the rooms they passed looked as though they were residential rooms; a couple of bedrooms, what looked like a galley with a stone oven and hearth, a room with what looked like it once housed a pile of tables and chairs, and a tiny closet that smelled rancid that neither of them were interested in examining further. Ford paused in another room to take a rubbing of a pedestal with a bronze plaque covered in Gaelic that he couldn’t remove. The room gave Stan the creeps and looked like a place of worship.

They continued their descent down, passing more wall carvings that Ford photographed with his phone. Stan rolled his eyes; his phone was filled with funny pictures of himself, Ford, places they had been, weird animals and the occasional picture of something for Ford. Ford’s camera had exactly one picture of the kids, a scanned picture of the two of them on the original Stan O’War and a picture of them both on the Stan O’War II. Oh, and about three hundred pictures of anomalies and glyphs and interesting plants and rock formations and…well, there wasn’t much of his family. Stan had wanted to call him out on it, but he didn’t know how to voice his concerns in a way that didn’t sound insulting.  

The hall finally ended at a spiral staircase that disappeared into the darkness below. Ford pulled out a glow stick, cracked and shook it, and let it drop. Ford counted under his breath to three, almost four. “It’s about…um…what’s the acceleration of gravity on Earth, again?” Ford frowned. “I don’t know,” Stan did, “but I’d say it’s about five or six stories down. You want me ta go first?”

“I’ll lead, just stay close behind me. And keep that grappling hook ready. We don’t know how sturdy this wood is.” They started down, taking slow steps at first, shifting their weight. The wood creaked and popped, but held firm. They made it past a full spiral before they were emboldened by the lack of instability. Ford started in with more deliberate steps and Stan resumed his normal near stomping gait. It was a mistake.

The wood below Stan gave way and he would have fallen the entire way down had his reflexes not been in top condition. The grappling hook was deployed before he’d even passed the next level and lodged itself in the wood above them, shooting passed Ford’s head and causing him to backpaddle away from the edge. Stan hung in shock with bits of wood dust and debris raining down on his head.

“Stan? Are you alright?”

“I’ll, um, I’ll meet’cha at the bottom!” This was embarrassing. “Just be careful, Sixer”

“Will do” Ford muttered quietly and began making his way, with less confidence this time, down the steps. Stan toggled the button on the grappling hook to lower himself slowly down until he reached the bottom of the stairwell. It was pitch-black. He could see the bobbling of Ford’s light above him. He was reluctant to let the rope grow loose and disengage until Ford could reach him. The echoes around him told him that the room beyond was massive. And he could hear scurrying.

He held a death grip on the handle of the grappling hook until Ford rounded the last spiral. “You good?” he said, shinning the light at Stan before growing concerned and continuing in a whisper, “What’s wrong?” Stan glanced at Ford, then back at the doorway. Ford spun and looked too when a squelching sound emanated from the room; the flashlight held at an angle pointed away from the sound to not attract attention.

Stan gulped. He had an uncanny feeling that this was gonna be his wort nightmare. Ford steadied himself and directed the beam of light into the room.

Yup ‘Worst nightmare’, in the flesh, or carapace in this particular case.

A giant spider the size of a Great Dane paused mid step, turning towards the two and hissed.

FUCK!

The thing was dead in a matter of microseconds; its body flung across the room from the force of four plasma rounds being fired at it from close range. The pistol smoking in Ford’s hand.

“Did I ever tell you what happened on that road trip I took the kids on?”

“Yup, that’s why I shot it. I have no intentions of dealing with that.”

Stan also suspected that his panic attacks over the ordeal that had kept Ford awake some nights after that had something to do with it.  

With Ford’s help, they pulled the grappling hook free and tentatively entered the room from hell, Ford taking point and pulling Stan along behind him by the hand. Stan only felt some shame at hiding his face in the back of his brother’s coat.

The room was filled with webbing and things wrapped up in that webbing that Stan had no interest in looking at. Ford carefully lead him through the room and towards the next doorway when he heard a quiet insect clicking. He risked a glance up at the same time Ford flicked his flashlight up. There was a large hole in the top of the ceiling and a large black mound slowly descending and reaching its way too many legs out.

NOPE!

Stan bolted for the door, Ford right behind him, not daring to look back as he felt the ground shudder slightly with the creature’s landing. He saw something goopy and gelatinous whiz above their heads, but he was NOT turning around to look. They made it through the door, Ford shooting a gap in the webbing that covered it, and bolted down the hall beyond. When Stan could bring himself to stop, he realized Ford was not behind him.

He heard some plasma shots ring out and a loud grunt.

Stan took a second to steady himself before turning around and heading back into the hall to rescue his brother. Another rumble ran through the stonework and a bright light emanated from the end of the hall. He rounded the corner to smack right into Ford.

“What the hell?” Stan winced at the light.  

“I stole a stick of dynamite and a smoke bomb and trailed the powers behind us and fired a shot. Those smoke bombs are incredibly flammable, you shouldn’t be using them.”

Stan just laughed with the release of adrenaline and hugged his brother tightly. “Come on. The rest of the way is safe…probably.” It was Ford’s turn to laugh.  

The heat from the inferno in the spider room, now turning it into a literal room from hell, escaped through a series of vents in the stonework and erupted out to the surface. The same fox from before jumped directly into the air with all four feet when a gust of warm air puffed across its tail. It brought its body low to the ground and thought about going back to bed.  

Ford and Stan walked along the hall that opened up as it went, ending in a tubular room with a circular door at the end. The walls were again covered in murals. Most prominent was a yellow-eyed dragon and a procession of people worshiping it. The eyes made him uncomfortable. And it had everything to do with the fact that he had to fight to keep his vision his own.

Ford was snapping pictures like a paparazzi catching a celebrity in the nude, and grinning widely. Stan just made his way over to the door and peered at the markings in the center; ignoring the face of the yellow-eyed dragon glowering at him. His vision shifted momentarily, looking at the top of his own head and Stanford taking more notes behind him. He placed a hand on the door and shook his head to return his vision to normal. He blinked a few times and rubbed his fingertips on the bronze disk at the center of the door. There were three holes and a semicircle blob that almost looked like a foot print.

Stan pulled the bronze claw from his pocket and inspected the underside. There were scuff marks on the pad of the foot and on the tips of the claws. A key?

“Hey” He called out to Stanford, using is free hand to wave over his shoulder.

“A dragon’s claw for a key?” He adjusted his glasses. “Unusual choice. Though depictions of dragons were revered as beings of great strength and power in Viking culture. The structure of this chamber seems to indicate this was done deliberately. Enemies would find it alarming and hesitant to go further and allies would see a welcome protector. Brilliant design. And the door is unusually intricate. It must have been designed to protect something exceedingly significant.” Stan perked up at Ford’s suggestion.

“Significant like treasure?” He couldn’t help the toothy and predatory grin from enveloping his face, his eyebrows waggling up and down. Ford rubbed his chin and returned Stan’s grin with a smug one of his own, “Could be. It could also be a pile of scrolls and books with more glyphs to study.” Stan frowned. “Way to be a buzzkill, Poindexter.”      

Ford just chuckled and took the claw from Stan and fitted it to the grooves in the door, “Well, only one way to find out.” The claw fit perfectly. Ford turned the claw counter clockwise until he felt the lock resist him, before turning it back to the starting position. The door jolted, and both brothers stood back as it sank into the floor with a stutter, Ford having kept hold of the claw. They stood, quiet exhilaration and trepidation coursing through their veins. “Ready?” Stan asked. “Always,” was the reply as they passed through the gateway to the unknown.

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Chapter 1

[cosmosogler]

ohh mannn...

i woke up at 8 this morning and just. couldn’t. i emailed my professor and went back to sleep until 9:10 or so.

still didn’t feel rested or in any sort of good mood but i’d arranged to meet with the e&m tutor at 10:40 so i really, really struggled to get ready on time. i forewent packing a lunch, figuring it was spaghetti day anyway, and that i’d just pick up a smoothie for dinner if i needed it. i was still like 10 minutes late to the meeting. i let her know ahead of time...

actually i’ve met this woman before. she’s very kind. she took a look through my notes. “is this your cat?” she asked when she came across one of the two doodles in there. “i like it.”

“thanks,” i said, kinda miserable. i hate people finding my drawings... especially in class note books when they can see i wasn’t paying much attention to the lecture. next to a jumbi, the only other drawing in there that took more than five seconds, i wrote “stop drawing in class” like that makes it any better for an outside observer.

she gave me a basic physics textbooks to work through examples before class so i can follow the lecture easier using my preferred style of taking in information. learning specific cases to see how the process works and what you use it for, and then generalizing. the professor, aside from being intimidating and thoroughly unpleasant to listen to at this point, likes to work in ONLY general cases and doesn’t always state the purpose of the exercise before jumping right in.

that happened for 45 minutes. it felt good to have a direction to move forward in, but also, terrible? because i felt terrible and interacting with a professor and learning something neat didn’t help.

i went down to the office and tried to talk my classmates into getting krishna lunch but none of them were having it. they had their e&m midterm today... jennica wanted to go, and keegan wanted to go, but then keegan’s practice problem was taking too long so jennica changed her mind. and keegan didn’t want to go with only one person i guess. he said never mind. 

it actually really... felt bad? like my throat hurt from trying not to try the whole way out the building and out to the road. like this one of very few things that i actually find relaxing and enjoyable got taken away. i know they were worried about their test but shouldn’t they know cramming doesn’t really do anything but make you anxious at this point? i dunno. i was super bummed. i had to really pump myself up to even bother with lunch at all.

i didn’t want to go to a very social gathering place to get lunch by myself so i forgot the spaghet this week and instead got a peanut butter smoothie because i like them and they make me feel better. part of my bad mood was due to hunger it seems like. i got a large because i knew that mediums weren’t always quite enough. but i took one sip of the large and immediately was no longer hungry so that was great. i carried it across campus with me to the pharmacy anyway and tried to get something into my stomach, at least, while listening to the beautiful sounds of elo. 

i picked up my meds and that was a bit of money... but they let me get all three of them at once which was actually good. now i don’t have to drop by again next week, which takes like 40 minutes every time i go.

then i ambled over to the group therapy place and i could tell i was gonna be real sick later. but my body had to ache for 80 minutes first. that’s how it goes.

therapy was kinda rough. i felt ill and tired and unfocused. for the first 50 minutes i barely said anything at all. i hopped in eventually saying i couldn’t get anyone to take me seriously. it’s always “you’re so cute” or “so smol” or “precious” or “honey senpai” or “you’re sweet” or “you’re such a straightedge.” 

i mean... these are from people i like. sometimes from people i don’t, but... the majority. i’m older than most people in my peer group and i’m still the “smol” one. 

i really liked peridot in steven universe. but she’s been turned into the butt of the “smol” joke too and that’s upsetting. 

too much to say about that. gotta move on.

we talked about how we all go so fast that we can’t actually process any of our emotions or reactions as we talk about our lives. i proposed that next week we spend the first 45 minutes doing nothing but crying on the floor and then the last 45 minutes actually talking. that got a good laugh out of everyone.

i mentioned it was hard for me to share reactions because i just feel nothing all the time. like my grandma died in january and it didn’t occur to me to cry about it until, like, this saturday. even then it wasn’t sobbing or anything. it was just, “oh. i’m sad now. about that.”

so i said i’d get back to the group leader with my reactions to the group next year.

it’s been... good. to talk to people my own age. who are at the same point, almost, emotionally. people who are grown ass adults and have been grown ass adults for 7+ years and who, despite having serious or absolutely devastating problems, are still doing things about it. because having depression doesn’t mean i am not doing anything about my depression. 

there were weird guys in uniform on campus today. i can’t tell if they are with our Very Special Guest who is speaking tomorrow, or if they are undercover cops. i’m guessing they were not white supremacists because there was more than one not white person with them and they looked like they were not trying to be particularly intimidating. 

gotta keep in mind that this university is spending over half a million dollars on security for this event. like eight of my students have contacted me about being unable to attend class tomorrow because the road they live on got shut down and they can’t leave.

also gotta keep in mind that they denied him entry at first (due to reasonable safety concerns) but then he sued and the state was all, “free speech is Very Important” and made them let him come and also they had to pay for everything except his rental of the building. 

ok yes free speech is very important. but also, not putting your students in danger is very important and they are legally allowed to deny speakers that they think will directly lead to violence happening.

i guess our very special guest could spend all that money he’s not using on security on lawyers instead.

anyway. i walked back to the physics department and i told myself, “i am the- i am great. i’m great at math.” and i kinda laughed at how funny the joke was.

i dunno there’s something a little dissonant about wearing a shirt that says “COOL DUDE” on it and having a low self esteem. 

it’s this one. this is the one. the shirt. this is the shirt. it says cool dude.

look ok i aspire to have half the aggressive self confidence that paps has. that is a trait i admire.

look at those dumb basketball shoulder pads. where did he get those? i love them. look how much fun he’s having.

ok anyway fashion aside. i still felt... weak and drained, when i got back to the department. i had indeed been sick after group adjourned. i had about 5 minutes before class. so i went and grabbed my notebook and sat down for class and said “i’m gonna do great” instead of telling the professor i was too sick for class. 

i tried something new. i tried listening very carefully to the lecture and only taking notes when i wanted to keep track of a definition or a term he was using. since he was mostly talking theory at this point (for once in his life) it was actually easier to follow than normal. I tried to think about what the variables meant. 

i dunno if that’ll help or not.

haha i sent an email in between writing part of this post and i was accidentally capitalizing words there for a few sentences! i had to go back and fix it to look like i’m talking quietly instead of at a normal person volume.

then i festered in the office for a little while before my classmates got out of their exam. suzanne didn’t look so good... even ioannis didn’t finish the last third of the test. basically everyone went home straight away.

EXCEPT. harrison asked why i didn’t go to krishna with him and keegan. i said “what.” 

he said he couldn’t find me so he and keegan went to krishna alone. i told him i’d been looking around for people to go for like 30 minutes before i left and that i otherwise wasn’t around much today. i asked when they went. it was shortly after i left.

so he lied to me. he didn’t even bring it up when he’d been in the office for five minutes after the test. like, “oh, hey, i changed my mind, sorry we didn’t catch you on the way out.” 

they went and did this thing i love to do with my friends without me specifically after telling me they weren’t going to do it.

i’m not mad at harrison. i didn’t even see him or know he was around, his office door had been closed. it’s never closed when he’s in. 

but like... i did tell him i was actually mad for real. i didn’t really have any way to express that though so i just said that was upsetting and then he went home. 

i don’t know what to do about that. i don’t want to be passive aggressive but if i bring it up tomorrow it’s just gonna be like, it’s not a big deal. 

it shouldn’t matter. i am capable of having a good time by myself. it’s just, it’s not what i was expecting.

aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA my face was healing so good and i accidentally scratched it and now it’s bleeding a little. i don’t know how. the scab wasn’t even there any more. ugh.

i bummed around in the office for just a little while longer, trying to set up a work dropbox so my classmates and i can quickly share notes from class. i fiddled with it until i got frustrated and tired. taylor was around so i was talking to him about how i didn’t really appreciate harrison saying stuff like “ok from now on i’m only going to believe half the things you say.” and then i got onto my health, i think, which prompted me to start talking about my heart. and then that got me onto my christian school experience so i complained about being bullied by my classmates, my classmates’ parents, and my teachers for a little bit. 

rebika came in and after a minute she said something like “i don’t like to believe what you say either, i don’t know how to react.”

and i said “yeah, bad things don’t actually happen, since you don’t want them to. it’s ok.”

she said “it’s just awkward.”

i said “that’s fair, if someone started saying the stuff i say to me i wouldn’t know how to react either.”

i biked home and i had so much trouble picking up any speed at all (even downhill, somehow) that it was kind of miserable even though the weather was nice. i could not get my legs to move any faster.

i thought about what i said. people don’t want to believe that bad things happen for real. i find myself thinking that way sometimes too. about other people. about myself. but bad things are real. they happen to real people. they could happen to me. they could happen to you. there’s horrible things happening right now to real people. statistically one unbelievably bad thing will probably happen to everyone.

i’ve just had a lot of them. so it’s hard for young people to get that i guess.

i made chili dogs for dinner because one of the internet people i talk to yesterday was talking about it and i got hungry for them. it was so good. i was up to my wrists in chili. i looked like a toddler who didn’t want to eat their baby food. i had to really struggle to, like, pick up my cup of water to take a drink with my chili hands. i don’t like touching things with gunk on my hands. or having gunk on my hands really. 

i washed everything afterward and actually put my god dang dishes in the dishwasher for the first time in like four days. and i RAN A CYCLE!!! HOLY COW!!!!!!!!!! CLEANING MONSTER

i thought about making muffins for my classmates tomorrow but, upon considering that i am very depressed right now, and also that half my classmates aren’t going to want/be able to come to campus, i have decided it might be better to save them for monday instead. thursday night i’ll be too busy studying for quantum, hopefully.

i gave jennica my toolbox since her bike fell apart and i fiddled with the dropbox for a long time. but i didn’t do any studying or grading because i’m too cool for important things like preparing for a very difficult exam i have to take in two days that i don’t like and don’t want to think about.

i uploaded all my notes so far to the database but i was too tired to label all of them so i did nothing instead.

you know. i guess there’s kind of a utility in doing nothing. i don’t know if that’s a good thing or an excuse or what. but. sometimes i feel like any activity at all can lead very quickly and very unexpectedly into “self harm” or worse territory. so i elect instead to do absolutely nothing for long periods of time. i did force myself to at least train one of my pokemon while i, i don’t know, i was barely watching the youtube videos at all. i just wanted to feel like i was accomplishing something by taking a bunch of stuff off my bookmarks because i’d technically looked at it like i wanted when i’d bookmarked it.

i know it’s not really accomplishing anything. but at least there’s less bs cluttering up my bookmarks bar so now it’s easier to see the stuff i actually did want to look at later. like kinesthetic learning strategies. 

at least my chili was really good... 

oh i figured out a way to get snoopy to stop yowling all night. besides when she hurts herself i guess. i find knots of tangled fur ripped out on the couch and the ottoman and stuff sometimes. and i find her claws on the ground in the morning sometimes. i think she splits them on accident. not sure what’s making them so brittle though.

but anyway just saying “hey snoopy” seems to calm her down a little bit. this morning while i was sleeping in i did get her to actually lay on my bed with me for a while and she seemed to like that until i shifted my weight and bumped her with my foot. but she wasn’t “MAHHHH”ing for that period of time so it’s a success!!!!

i think she’s got mats on her stomach but she won’t let me touch any of that so i can’t really try to brush anything and she just accidentally tears it out sometimes while grooming i guess. she’s only barely started letting me brush around her hips. i’m thinking about taking her somewhere to get her claws and fur trimmed and maybe her teeth cleaned and stuff but i don’t know how much it’ll cost and i don’t know who’s got people who can do cats around here. petco didn’t when we first went...

tomorrow i’m gonna go to a “wellness coaching” event that the counseling center is hosting. even if i don’t learn anything new i need to hear this stuff over and over again or i’m gonna forget it. and maybe getting some professionally-sanctioned attention will help me feel a little better by itself.

i’m kinda bummed because i had time to play with snoopy today, since i got home right before 6, but i just didn’t have any energy i guess. 

energy doesn’t seem like the right word to be using. because physically i could technically do it. there’s no sleepiness or anything keeping me from doing it. but if it occurs to me that i could be doing it my brain gives a hard “no.” kinda like with my homework situation!!!!!!!!!!!!

emotional energy? willpower? does it take willpower to NOT do things, like i kinda talked about earlier? what am i spending all my energy on?

most days i think i would explain my energy as being allocated “80% toward not killing myself, 10% toward maintaining myself/my environment, and 10% toward school because that’s all i have left.” but not killing myself isn’t necessarily an active thing i have to do at all times so maybe it’s not taking up all that mental space. i just don’t know. i mean, of course, sometimes it is, but, not always.

it’s 11:20 which is 35 minutes after my “STOP WRITING AND GO TO BED, ASSHOLE” time so i’m going to try to rest i guess. i don’t know if i can teach for four hours straight tomorrow. it’ll be a reduced class size but i still put all my attention on my students for that period of time. maybe i can kinda get them to finish early so i can go to the bathroom before the second two hours at least. guess i’ll just live with it.

[theskelejournals]

Entry 50

Heh. Y’know, I hadn’t really thought about it cause I’ve been pleasantly occupied for a little while now, but it’s almost been two years since… well. The accident. It’s still hard to think about it, how it changed us, changed everything, but I guess that’s life. It goes on. Two years of confusion, fighting, working to regain myself, working through it all and just… moving past it. You don’t just get over something like that easily. And it hasn’t been easy. But I’ve had help. I have a lot of things, people, circumstances to thank for that. Yeah it’s still rough with that flower lurking around, but I don’t try and let him get me down too much. I just keep on being the laid back sentry I am and watching out for the strangeness.

Of course with Paps, Grillby and Q, and the lady behind the door, I’ve been able to keep myself afloat. There’s still moments where I hit a wall, when I sink, but then a hand reaches out to help. Whether I can physically grab that hand or not, there’s always someone there to make sure I don’t fall too far.

I couldn’t make it without you guys.

But beyond that deep stuff, let’s get to some of the more entertaining bits.

 It’s almost All Hallow’s Eve, and while Paps and I didn’t do anything spectacular for it last year, this year the Snowdin Inn is hosting a party. Papyrus told me he wanted to attend and dress up, and when asked about it, he told me he wanted a guard costume. No surprise there. Mulling over ideas, I laid something out for him.

“tell you what, bro,” I said while we were out shopping one day, “you wanna be a guard for all hallow’s eve?”

“Of course I do! I mean, I want to be one for real, but to be one for this is just as good! For now!”

“heh, right, so.” Looking up with a grin, I tilted my head a little. “howzabout you design me a guard costume, and i’ll make it for you?”

Papyrus stopped mid stride in the isle, brows raising and jaw dropping.

“Really? You’ll make me a costume?”

“yeah sure, figure it’ll be fun.” Snickering, I added, “builds character, y’know. helps craft my engineering skills.”

For once, Paps was too excited about the prospect to fully hear the puns.

“Wowie! Yes brother, please! Oh, that’d be the coolest!”

So when we got home, Papyrus immediately rushed off to grab some paper and pens. It took him a few tries, but eventually he drew up a rough sketch of what he wanted.

“Behold, Sans! The Battle Body of the Great Papyrus!”

It was a pretty simple design in concept, and after looking it over, I took some of the paper he had left and sketched out my own in the style of blueprints. Papyrus watched intently as I went, planning out how to make it.

“Oh, oh! Could you make it as if I were actually going to use it? As a real guard? I want it to be authentic!”

“heh, sure thing.” With a chuckle, I made notes of what type of material to use, and once I had everything laid out, I turned the paper to show him.

“I… can’t understand most of that,” he mumbled with a furrowed brow. Grinning, I pat his shoulder and shook my head.

“that’s fine bro, i can draw all the conclusions i need on my own.” He made a grumbled noise in response, to which I snickered. I took his measurements and wrote those down too to make sure I had everything I needed besides the materials actually needed to make the gettup. After that, the next day was used to gather the supplies for the build. I got hard but flexible material, stuff I knew would protect him if he ever got in a brawl of any type. Kinda had a double meaning: authentic for him and extra protection to ease my mind. Despite that, I’ll be completely honest, I was actually excited to make the costume for him. I hadn’t built anything since my post out in the forest -- if you exclude puzzles -- and I was looking forward to working on something. Besides, I knew it would make Papyrus happy.

After getting everything I needed, I set up shop down in my lab to begin. Galahad kept watch as he always did down there, his own gaze ever curious as I worked. Papyrus would come down a lot to try and see how far I’d gotten, excited for it to be done and giving his own input. I think a part of him was a little worried about me being alone in my lab again after so long too, but I can’t blame him for that. I didn’t spend nearly as long down there as I did during the machine stuff, but I could understand his worry. When he was down there though, I’d use that opportunity to retake his measurements and fit the pieces around him to make sure everything lined up.

Progress took about a week, and when it was finally done, I gathered all the pieces with blue magic and carted them into the house. As a kicker, I put my old lab coat and a pair of reading glasses that were my brother’s on before heading inside. Paps was downstairs when I was tugging the pieces through the door, and his excited gasp made me look up with a grin.

“up to your room, bro,” I told him. “time to try it out.”

His excited laughter rang through the house as he jogged upstairs, making me grin that much wider. After bringing it all up, I set the pieces down and had Paps open his closet so we could use the full body mirror behind it.

Despite his excitement, Papyrus made sure to attach everything just right and carefully. I lended a hand whenever needed which wasn’t often, just a clasp or two, before he turned around and beheld himself in the mirror.

Watching him stare at his reflection in wonder was probably one of the most fulfilling things. The fact that I could make my brother happy like that made so many things worth it. Those books from long ago came in handy after all.

“Sans! This is exactly what I wanted!” Laughing in triumph, Papyrus danced happily in his spot, grinning away in glee. He spun around several times to get a look at every angle, utterly pleased with the results. “Oh brother, thank you! It is truly an outfit worthy of the Great Papyrus!”

“heh, only the best for the best, am i right?”

“Absolutely!”

As I watched him, a thought struck me and I tilted my head. The outfit looked good on him, but… something else could be added.

“y’know… i think i have something that’ll make you look even cooler.” Papyrus looked at me with curious excitement.

“I am already pretty great looking, but the Great Papyrus will always take suggestions!”

Smirking, I nodded and started heading toward the door.

“heh. one sec.”

Teleporting midstep, I reappeared in my room and looked around. Spotting what I wanted, I headed for my desk and ran a hand slowly over the folded red scarf by the journal. It was something I’d had for as long as I could remember. The sentimental value of it was deep, and I knew that it had been something important. Gaster said that it was one of the very first things I’d ever touched.

Smiling gently, I took a breath and picked it up to hold it close. Leaving my room, I went back down the hall to Paps’ room and found him still looking at the armor in the mirror. With a chuckle, I came to his side and held the bundled cloth up.

“here bro, use this.”

Blinking, Papyrus turned to look and he paused. His brows rose, looking between me and the scarf, reaching a tentative hand to run over it like I had done nearly a minute before.

“Your scarf! Sans… Are you sure?”

“yeah. just be sure to take good care of it,” grinning, I added, “knot that i didn’t think you would.” Pap groaned, slumping.

“Enouuuugh.” Straightening back up, he took the scarf gently and carefully held it in his mitts, raising a brow and tilting his head. There was a spark of recognition in his eye, one he didn’t look like he could place. But I knew what it was. That scarf had belonged to Gaster, and his father, and then dad gave it to me. Now, in this unspoken movement, I was passing it on to Pap. Continuing the tradition, I guess you could say. I’d worn it many times, but I guess it never really caught Paps’ attention enough for him to ask or notice. Until now, anyways.

Smiling gently, he looked up and gained an appreciative grin.

“I’ll wear this with pride, worry you not, brother!”

Kneeling down, he handed it back over and tilted his chin up. Understanding hit me and I nodded with a chuckle, shifting to wind it carefully around his neck and tucking it.

“there you go, bro. as sharp and fierce as ever.”

“Nyeh-heh! Wonderful!” Standing up tall, he looked in the mirror and his eyes lit up with his grin. “Wowie! Looks Sans! It really brings it together!” Tucking my hands in my pockets, I nodded with a grin.

“sure does, bro. you look like a true royal guard now.”

Gasping softly, Papyrus looked over with an excited grin.

“Really? You think so?” Clearing his throat, he turned back to the mirror and pulled a dramatic pose. “I mean! Of course I do! I am the Great Papyrus, the best, most Royalist of Guards!”

Snickering, I shook my head in amusement at his antics. He really was something else. In that moment, Pap reached and laid a hand on my shoulder. When I looked up, he was grinning happily still, a light in his eyes that made me pause.

“Sans… thank you. For all of this. It means a lot to me.”

Grinning softly back, I shrugged.

“it’s my job, bro. to make sure you’re happy and taken care of.” Grinning a little wider, I said, “out of the other two jobs i got, this is the best one.”

“I mean it, I don’t think I tell you enough how much I appreciate having you as my brother,” Papyrus said, kneeling back down so we were equal height. “I tease at you all the time about being lazy but…”

“aw paps,” I chuckled, “i know you don’t really mean it.”

“Ok but see you are lazy sometimes,” Pap countered, making a face, but it quickly smoothed back out. “But really. For all you do, thank you.”

“it’s nothin’.” Shrugging, I reached forward and gave his head a pat, much like Grillby tended to do. “but i gotta say, thank you for keeping me in line. you’re the greatest brother around.”

“Nyeh! It’s my job!” Winking at the repeated words, he pulled me into a tight hug. Huffing, I laughed and hugged him back as he continued, “I may be the greatest, but you’re the best! Never forget it!”

“heh, i won’t paps.”

“Good because if you do, I’ll be right here to remind your lazy self.” Patting my back, he let go and looked in the mirror one more time excitedly. I let him have the moment, and in that same moment I smiled to myself. Thanking whatever presence was out there that I had a brother as cool and understanding as Papyrus. Heh. Thanks to you too, Dadster.

“so…” Clearing my throat, I raised a brow with a slightly teasing grin up at him. “you gonna wear that the rest of the day now? cause uh, the party ain’t until this weekend.”

Blinking, Papyrus turned to look at me and then back in the mirror with crossed arms.

“Indeed I am! I can’t let a costume this exquisite just sit and wait to be worn once! I have to break it in. It must get the appreciation it deserves.”

Snickering softly, I leaned against the computer desk and rest a cheek in my hand.

“whatever you say, bro.”

“It is what I say! Now, let’s find you something to wear too.”

Shaking my head, I let out a laugh.

“nah, i already know what i’m gonna wear. wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to guess.”

His face falling into an unimpressed expression, Paps puts his hands on his hips as he stared me down.

“Are you really just going to put your lab coat on and call that a costume?”

“pretty much yeah.”

“You are ridiculous, brother,” he sighed, running a hand over his forehead.

“hey, it’s a costume,” I chuckled, “i don’t work there anymore, so it, y’know, works.”

“You could at least be a little creative with it!”

“well i am wearing glasses. it’s a spectac-ular addition.”

Turning the look to me again slowly, he leaned forward a little bit and squinted.

“So glasses and a lab coat.”

“yep.”

“And nothing else.”

“yep.”

Groaning, Papyrus threw his hands up and turned to face the mirror again.

“How do I put up with you?”

“pretty easily i’m sure, i don’t weigh that much.”

“OKAY I’M LEAVING,” he exclaimed, hands in the air again, marching toward the door. I started cracking up, burying my face in my arms. Going from a meaningful moment to banter in zero seconds flat.

“leaving your own room?”

“Yes! Leaving! Gone! Bye brother!”

Paps was out the door in seconds and I was laughing too hard to stop him. He wasn’t actually mad, but oh man that was too priceless. I eventually followed him out, shedding my coat and the glasses shortly after. Paps started talking to me again not long after that too, then we sank into laughter as we picked fun at one another. Right back to normal. Heh, as if the banter wasn’t. It was TV the rest of the night, Pap dancing around in his costume randomly to show it off even though I’d made it, and then a story to put him to sleep.

I’ll be the first to admit that my life is a little crazy, but then there’s times like these that I’m also reminded that it can be pretty cool. For once, I’m really starting to look forward to things again. It’s been building a little over time, and while hope can be dangerous in my situation, I can’t help but let it try to come back. Sure I’ve got a human-based promise to keep for my friend, a lunatic flower to watch out for, and a shadow that’s my dad that I can one-sidedly talk to from time to time but… y’know.

Life’s funny like that.

I’ve also got two jobs, a brother to watch out for, friends and family close by when I need them, and with that a support system. It can be sketchy -- thanks Flowey -- but again, that’s also life. Despite it all, the past few months, things have been looking pretty good. I can’t help feeling like… something's gonna happen soon, but what… I can’t even begin to think of. I’m just gonna hold out that it’s something good. All you can do, am I right?

I just know that, right now… yeah. Things are okay. I’m okay.

And that’s all I can ask for. - Sans