#yes i stole many of these awful ideas from past worst cooks seasons

[dragongirl218]

FFXV Week - Worst Cooks of Eos

Title: “Season 1 Episode 1″

Rating: G

Pairings: None/Gen

Warnings: Descriptions of gross food

Summary: “I’m Ignis Scientia, the chef of Kings.”  “And I am Ardyn Izunia, award winning self-taught chef and the best cook in all the Empire~”  “This season, we’ll take some of the worst cooks in all of Eos and compete against each other to see who can make the best chef out of this sorry lot.”

(Or, I am a huge fan of Worst Cooks in America and this is a crack fic based on the first episode of every season where we get to see just how awful the chefs are.  If you are at all squeamish about descriptions of nasty-ass food, please don’t torture yourself with this)

“Good morning, dear cooks~” Ardyn greeted as the group of Worst Cooks filed into the studio kitchen.  They all looked like poor little things, intimidated by the mere sight of of legitimate cookware and fresh ingredients, not to mention the two celebrity hosts.

“We’re going to start you off nice and easy today,” Ignis announced, which made the contestants snap their attention towards the crisp sound of his voice.  “You will have precisely one hour to prepare for us your best dish, which we will then taste and use that to determine who will be on which team.  And your time starts now!”

The cooks scrambled off into the kitchen, claiming workstations as their own and donning their aprons before running off towards the pantry.  It was a trainwreck, naturally; everyone piled up and trying to shove past each other, all while staring at every food and tool like it was from an alien planet.  Eventually things were sorted out and the cooking began.

Or what passed for cooking, at least.

The first fire was caused by Loqi Tummelt, the fierce General who grew up on rations and food from the Garrison cafeteria.  He had attempted to pan-fry some chicken strips but had neither breaded the chicken nor dried it off, which meant that as soon as the first piece hit the oil, it splattered and bubbled over and the oil caught fire in a dangerous flare-up.  He leaped back, instincts kicking in, but then he stared at the fire in confusion.

“Put it out!” Ignis called out from his perch on the balcony that overlooked the kitchen.  “Throw salt on it!”

The order got Loqi’s attention and he ran off to the pantry to try to find a sufficiently large supply.  But while he was gone, his “neighbor,” Gladio Amicitia had the brilliant idea to fill a bowl with water and made to throw it on the fire.

“No!” Ardyn yelled, and suddenly he was there, holding back Gladio’s arm and taking the bowl of water from him.  “That, dear Gladiolus, would cause the studio to burn down~” he explained in that gentle-yet-commanding tone he had.  At that point Loqi returned and dumped a whole bag of salt into the pan, which smothered the flames.  “You may wish to start from scratch,” he pointed out to Loqi before casually strolling back up to his observation point.

Cindy Aurum and Nyx Ulric also ended up with small fires at their stations, but thankfully those were managed with lids on pans until the flames died.

Amusingly, the only person who suffered a cut was Ravus Nox Fleuret.  The man with a prosthetic metal arm.  Ignis had warned him to use the handguard of the mandolin, but he hadn’t listened, and so he ended up nicking his thumb on the blade.  Thankfully all it took was a bandage and a plastic glove to fix that up~

“Time’s up!” Ignis announced once the clock hit zero, and so it was time to judge dishes.

First up was Noctis Lucis Caelum, whose plate drew mildly disgusted looks from both hosts.  It was a cold flour tortilla with a spread of canned tuna and jam slathered on and topped with shredded cheddar cheese, explained as a complete depression meal.  “...I’ll be honest here.  I’m immortal and I still fear I’d keel over if I consumed that,” Ardyn noted.  Ignis was braver and at least tasted the tuna and jam mixture, and immediately spit it out into a napkin.

Gladio presented what was dubbed a “Jailhouse burrito.”  Which is to say that he’d cooked a block of ramen in the plastic wrapping with boiling water, then rolled the noodles up and placed them under a brick to set them in a roughly burrito-like shape.  The kindest comment came from Ardyn, who called it “creative.”

Prompto Argentum was next.  His dish was blessedly mundane, though the presentation was... something.  “I made a meatloaf shaped like a teddy bear~!” he explained happily.  Both hosts had to admit that it tasted fine, though Ignis pointed out that the unusual shape meant that it was unevenly cooked and therefore the texture was on the unpleasant side.

Cindy presented blackened catfish.  Very blackened.  It, uh.  Caught fire during cooking, and she just rolled with it.  Add in the strange mix of spices and herbs that were both too spicy and too bitter, and Ardyn merely shook his head at the dish that could have been.

Nyx.  Um.  Well.  He tried to make spaghetti.  But his sauce was burned and his noodles were still crunchy and it was just a hot mess on a plate.  Which both hosts made abundantly clear.  Though Ardyn at least praised the fact that Nyx had poured a shot of whiskey for each of them -- Shiva knew he’d need it after this.

Technically speaking, Ravus’s dish was nearly flawless, with perfectly precise knife-cuts and a surprisingly good eye for plating.  Flavor-wise, however...  Let’s say that fish sauce, soy sauce, and Worcestershire sauce should never be mixed together, nor should they be combined with raw oysters in an otherwise fine salad.  In an aside shot, Ravus would admit that the accident that took his left arm also messed with his tastebuds, particularly in that it made him almost numb to the taste of salt.

Aranea Highwind... had a strange obsession with ketchup.  Her dish was essentially ketchup with a side of steak.  And even though it was drowning in ketchup, the steak was unbearably dry and leathery.  “I may need another century to finish chewing this,” Ardyn snarked.

Finally, Loqi presented his chicken strips and fries.  The fries were fine, which wasn’t much to brag about since he’d dumped them into a deep fryer straight from the frozen bag.  Ignis carefully cut open the chicken strip and grimaced.  “You’ve managed to singe the crust, but leave the interior entirely raw,” he noted.  Which got a confused stare from Loqi.  “...You know that raw poultry can carry diseases like salmonella, correct?”

“...Shit, really?” Loqi asked, seemingly only mildly bothered by it.

“What on Eos did we get ourselves into...?” Ardyn asked Ignis with all of the sudden regret in his voice.