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starseneyes · 7 days ago

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Part VI - Destiel Meta - Dean Winchester / Castiel - Supernatural

I thought I could fit this all in 5 parts, but like the original Star Trek movies, I guess there had to be 6 of them. You can find the others linked in my Destiel Meta Master Post if you found this one first!

Look, I'm hella late to the party. But I'm here because of you, Tumblr. You GIF'd and posted and made me want to see what the whole hubbub was about. So, thanks.

Season 15 for this one. Wrapping the whole thing up.

WARNING: All of this is one lady's opinions about a show that went off the air 5 years ago. Take with a grain of salt. Laugh it off if you need to. My opinion isn't more valid than anyone else's.

SPOILERS: Yeah, it's all here. So, if you're spoiler-averse... run.

Everyone good? Yup. Let's do it one last time. Let's dive in.

S15E1 -

“Jack’s gone, so we listen to what the Demon has to say. If we don’t like what he says, then we stab him.”

Dean, you had me going with the first part, but what a way to finish, buddy. And then Sam steps in to say that Dean is right to drive the point home.

“You okay?” “Yes, but-” “Good.”

This is so married. Like, we’re still in a fight, but I’m going to check on you because you’re mine and that’s what I do when I’m worried about you.

“Wow. Awkward. You wanna talk about it or?”

Either Demon Boy is already aware of the Destiel, or he clocked that shit fast. Things are awkward because they still love each other, even when they are pissed.

Dean would love to cut Cas out of his life so he doesn’t have to feel the pain. He’s so angry, it would be convenient to walk away, to stab him in the neck, to do any of the things he would do if it was anybody else.

But, it’s Cas. He may try to pull away, but they’ll find their way back. Every time.

“So, you and me versus every soul in hell. I like those odds.”

See? He’s cut Cas out of the equation. He’s mentally blocking him and making it just about him and Sam, again. And, yes, it’s always him and Sam at the end of things. I know that.

But there have been times where Team Free Will existed, and it was always with Cas. Right now, Dean can’t. He just can’t.

He has to block Cas out to get through because he’s hurting and angry and there’s no room for anything else if he’s going to make it through this next hurdle.

S15E2 -

“Hey.” “Yeah, hey.” “Dean, I recognize that I… dropped the puck.” “Ball. It’s, uh, dropped the ball.” “Ball, right. I didn’t tell you about Jack, and then after what happened with your mother…” {Dean turns to face him} “Don’t.”

When Cas walks in, Dean glances enough to see that it’s Cas and acknowledge him. But he’s still not eager to talk. He keeps his back to Cas until the end, there, because he’s still pissed.

“You’re angry.” “Yes, I am angry. At everything. All of it.” “All of it?” “This mess. All the messes. It’s turns out that we’re just hamsters running in a wheel our whole lives. What do we have to show for it, huh?”

And here, Dean forgets to be specifically mad at Cas. He’s falling into their familiar rhythm of him confiding in Cas, telling Cas what’s really on his mind. They’ve been one another’s sounding board for ages, now.

“Tell me you don’t feel conned. God’s been lying to you, Cas, forever. You bought into the biggest scam in history.” “You don’t think I’m angry? After what Chuck did? After what he took from me? He killed Jack. But that doesn’t mean it was all a lie." “Really?” “Chuck is all-knowing. He knew the truth he, he just kept it to himself.” "Well, now that his cover’s blown, everything that we’ve done is for what? Nothing?"

This hurts. Because the one thing Dean could always tell himself was that what he and Sam did meant something. That all the people they saved mattered and that they had to keep doing what they did.

Now, he doesn’t know if it mattered. If all the pain and sacrifice meant anything because he feels like a puppet on an invisible string, pulled this way and that, seemingly independent but controlled all the same.

“Even if we didn’t know that all of the challenges that we face were born of Chuck’s machinations, how would we describe it all? We’d call it ’life’ because that is precisely what life is. It’s an obstacle course and maybe Chuck designed the obstacles, but we ran our own race. We made our own moves. And mostly, we did well with that.”

Cas doesn’t see it the same way as Dean. He doesn’t believe in the invisible strings, but instead sees it much as a mouse working through the problems set out by a scientist, curious to see which way the little animals will scurry.

Will they reach the goal? Will they get distracted? Will they abandon the race in favor of a morsel of cheese?

And Cas tries to get Dean to see it, but as soon as Cas says they did well, all he can think about is what they did wrong. What Cas did wrong. The most recent failing.

Mom.

“Did we? I’ll tell you what we do know, Nothing about our lives is real. {Dean steps closer to Cas} Everything that we’ve lost, everything that we are is because of Chuck. So maybe you can stick your head back in the sand, maybe you can pretend that we actually had a choice. I can’t.”

The fact that Dean steps closer to Cas there fascinates me. Framing-wise, yes, it’s gorgeous any time these two are close. But character wise, I wonder what motivated that movement.

Maybe it’s because he’s trying to drive the point home. I mean, who talks more about “having a choice” than Dean and Sam Winchester?

Castiel was a company man for a long time, insisting he didn’t have a choice. But everyone does. Every time.

Except, now Dean’s questioning everything. He walks away, feeling his words fall on deaf ears. But as Cas calls out to him Dean stops. He stops.

He could’ve kept walking. But he didn’t. Because pissed as he is at Cas and at everything else, he still stops.

“Dean. You asked what about all this is real.”

Castiel turns to face Dean, and the human turns back to the Angel.

“We are.”

It’s not enough to convince Dean, but it’s heartfelt. It’s meaningful. And it’s true.

And I am once again flabbergasted by how much was achieved in 2:18 of screen time.

Cas and Dean start the scene at odds—Cas still seeking to mend fences and Dean walling himself off all the more. Then, they come together in the middle, united by their mutual anger over all the bullshit with Chuck. But by the end, they’re torn apart, again, because they still haven’t talked it out.

Cas wants nothing more than to discuss it. Dean wants nothing more to never discuss it. They’re at odds.

And they can only go on so long like this.

S15E03 -

“How’s Sam?” “Not great.”

Cas approches Dean. Dean walks over to talk, but when he settles, there’s a tablet between them—a barrier, a physical representation of how far apart they are right now.

“Sorry about Rowena.” “You’re sorry. Why didn’t you just stick to the damn plan?”

Dean perches on the table, settling into the conversation. He's been pissed at the Angel a while, now, and this doesn't help matter.

“Belfagor was lying.” “Belfagor’s a demon.” “He was using us. He wanted to eat every last soul to take over Hell, earth, and everything-” “And we would have figured it out. After. With Rowena.” “The plan changed, Dean. Something went wrong. You know this. Something always goes wrong.” “Yeah, why does that something always seem to be you?”

This is the moment Dean goes too far. And he knows it. As soon as the words leave his mouth, he knows he didn’t say them because it was true—he said them because they would wound.

Because, he’s a killer, right? He shoots things. He stabs things. He injures things.

And when he’s hurting, he lashes out. But this time, he went too damn far. He can see by the pain in Castiel’s eyes that he hit him right where it hurts, right in his greatest fears.

The punch landed, Dean, but was it worth it?

I think I mentioned before, I have this super power. This curse. I know exactly what to say to hurt someone. I know exactly how to hit them where it hurts. And it’s the worst feeling when you see their face and realize they believe you meant it.

But Castiel doesn’t see Dean shake his head. He doesn’t see the moment of realization. The Angel’s stuck on the words and what they mean—he’s the problem. He’s the issue. Dean will never see it another way. Not this time.

“You used to trust me, give me the benefit of the doubt. Now you can barely look at me. {Dean scoffs at that. Looks up to meet his eye. But he can’t hold it} My powers are failing and I’ve tried to talk to you over and over, and you just don’t want to hear it. You don’t care. I’m dead to you.”

That’s what Dean said, right? “You’re dead to me”. And Cas believes it.

“You still blame me for Mary.”

Dean nods at this. Cas has seen all he needs to see.

“Well, I don’t think there’s anything left to say.” {Cas turns to walk away… Dean was finally meeting his eyes} “Where are you going?”

He hadn’t even left the room, but Dean somehow knows Cas is on his way out. And he really doesn’t want him to go, even if he can’t say it. When Cas answers, he doesn’t turn around.

“Jack’s dead. Chuck’s gone. You and Sam have each other.”

Castiel is now cutting himself out of the narrative, doing the work for Dean. Even as he turns back enough to see Dean’s face, he doesn’t fully face him. He can’t.

“I think it’s time for me to move on.”

Cas holds Dean’s gaze for a moment, maybe hoping Dean will say something. When he says nothing, Cas leaves. And Dean lets him go. He says nothing. He does nothing.

Dean’s used to people leaving, to people abandoning him. But I think even he knows this is different.

S15E05 -

It aches that Sam is trying to reach his friend, but in this divorce, Castiel is putting up a hard barrier between himself and the Winchesters. He’s convinced Dean will never forgive him, that he’s too damaged to be of any help, especially with his powers failing.

But Sam doesn’t seem to know much of anything. And Dean’s not one to volunteer information. So, Sam tries and tries to reach Cas… without success.

“That Cas?” “Yeah. Straight to voicemail. Again.”

Dean’s the one to know exactly who Sam is calling.

“Yeah, well, we gave him the heads-up on Chuck and Lilith. What else were we supposed to do?”

Maybe consider open communication with the best friend you’ve ever had, the one person who has been constant more than anyone else and only left when you tore into him in a way that would have fatally wounded any mortal.

And, yes, I understand Dean’s anger and where it comes from. He’s not wrong to feel. But how he has dealt with it led us to this point—where the one person he could always count on isn’t even answering the damn phone.

S15E06 -

“I had a friend who always praised fishing for its meditative qualities. Wish I found it more relaxing.”

The past tense on this is killing me, but it’s also sad. Castiel wanted to try doing what brought Dean peace, the first thing he saw in his dreams. But Castiel and Dean are just very different people.

So, he’s doing it because he misses Dean. And he can’t be close to Dean right now, so he’s doing it in his own way.

Yeah, these bitches are in love.

“Cas. Sam’s been trying to call you.” “I know.” “Did you check his messages?” “Nope.” “Right. Smart. Why would you? Look, I don’t know if you care or not, but, uh, God, Chuck, is back on the board. So watch yourself. And check your damn messages.”

I love that the case forced them to talk to one another. And Dean could’ve royally fucked Cas over on this one, but he didn’t.

The love is still there. It’s just cloaked in veils of mourning layered one upon the other until the heart is too obscured to be seen.

And I have to say that I love that we get to see capable Cas in this final season. He’s learned how to work a case solo, how to hop through the hurdles of humanity. And I know I should be pumping the air with glee that it drove him back to the Winchesters, but I also consider the personal victory.

Yes, he had to use his powers in there a bit, but most of what he did, he did the human way. He can help. He can do the right thing. He’s not useless.

Without Dean to reassure him, he needed that affirmation to come from somewhere else, and I’m glad that—for once—the Angel found it in himself.

S15E07 -

“Hey.” “Dean.”

Cas is struck seeing Dean. Yes, he decided to come back, but he wasn’t ready for Dean to walk in at that particular moment. Like a pair of exes, they’re both a little unsure how to act around the other.

The table’s still between them, still separating them. And the only thing keeping Dean moving is his concern for Sam.

“I got your message. Sam, is he, uh -” “He’s fine.”

Cas can’t look him in the eye. I think he’s afraid of what he’ll see there when he does. More anger?

“Good. That’s good.” “Yeah.” “Good.”

Seriously. Counseling. It’ll do y’all wonders.

S15E09 -

“Cas, if you wanna stay here, why don’t you stay here.”

Cas glares at Dean on this. The human’s still taking nips at him like an angry puppy. But we know he decides to go with them, and when Dean has to cut his hand for the spell, Cas offers to heal it.

It strikes me how Dean holds his hand during this shot, and I wonder where the choice came from, because it feels so deliberate.

As Cas waves his hand over Dean’s, Dean’s hand is in motion, turning upward, opening up like a blossoming flower.

You could feel Cas’ trepidation at the offer—wondering if Dean would even accept it. And afterwards, it’s obvious the effort it took. But Cas has committed to being here, no matter what. So, he’ll do whatever it takes.

Even if these two still aren’t looking one another in the eye.

They’re both dealing with their shame—Dean’s shame at being wrong. Cas’ shame at leaving when it got too tough.

And once they land down below, it’s striking and feels just wrong that Sam is between Dean and Cas the entire time. The chasm between them is so wide, Sam has to be the buffer.

Sorry, Dean. I know you don’t like Sam in the middle of you and Cas, but right now, y’all kinda put him there yourself.

And it’s so weird that Rowena picks up on it immediately and sends Sam out of the room so she can address Dean and Cas in private.

Also, can we talk about the awesomeness of Rowena, Queen of Hell, making sure not to out Cas and Dean to Sam? I like, we know that Sam is well aware of what’s going on here, but Rowena’s care in the matter is damn impressive.

If she can do it, nobody has an excuse. Be respectful of others. Don’t out people. Love people as they are. It’s really not that hard.

“What am I picking up from you two? A wee tiff? Tell your Auntie Rowena.” “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” “It’s fine.” “Boys. Fix it. … And you can’t make it right. So fix it!”

This is really what they needed to hear—especially Dean. Cas has tried to fix it. He has! But Dean just hasn’t been able to move on from his anger.

But, remember the last time Cas died? Dean said they’d sort it out, but they never had time. Season 13 started with his second Widower Arc and he was so fucked up he was willing to die. At the hands of Billie, no less.

Her words haven’t sunk in, yet, but they will.

So, Rowena, thanks for the Couple’s Therapy. They needed it!!

“Eileen, you know, she gets it. She gets us. She gets the life. She’s hot.”

I love that Dean sees the spark between Sam and Eileen, and understands his brother enough that he knows Sam would be looking for something real. The boys are brothers, but they are wildly different.

Dean gets off the phone with Donatello and spies Cas behind him. He could have kept ignoring him, but he decides to talk to him instead. It’s not the same as before, but he’s at least talking to Cas.

“Alright, the good news is we know where he is. Bad news is we can’t get to him in time. Not before he moves, again.” “Then we bring him to us.”

They aren’t looking at each other, but they’re trying to work together. They’re trying to do what needs to be done together. But there’s so much hurt there. So much anger. So much pain.

For once, Castiel isn’t forcing things. He’s tried and tried and not gotten through. And Dean’s not looking to be the one to start the conversation.

Later, after Cas talks to Michael, Dean walks into the kitchen and sees Cas at the table. Cas acknowledges him, but still can’t look at him.

And the framing of this shot is insane. Dean is standing, but he’s positioned in a way that makes it look like he and Cas could be having a conversation across the table if he was only ten feet to his left.

Like, this is beautiful. They’re on different planes, so neither is actually looking at the other. But the framing makes it look as though they could be.

It’s amazing how this implies they want to be face-to-face, but aren’t. Cinematographers are magicians.

“Now, if you’ll please.”

I like the small glance between Dean and Cas, here. There’s a bit of that trust that they’ve built over the years still playing through.

“Since when do we get what we deserve?”

This is one of the most fascinating lines and deliveries to me. Because Adam has reason to be pissed at the Winchesters. And he’s realized that they’ve all been through some shit.

But knowing what we know about the deal with the Empty, this feels particularly painful. But it’s information we have that Michael wouldn’t. It’s information Adam wouldn’t. So, the look to Cas has always been a confusing one to me.

Is he just trying to include Cas in on the Winchester Family of Fuckery? Or does he see something / know something Dean doesn’t? I don’t know. It gives us a lot to dissect and talk about, sure, but it’s one of those where I’d really love to ask the actors because I’m just not certain enough to draw a reasonable conclusion.

S15E09 -

“Whatever, we need to go.” “To Purgatory.” “Chuck has Sam. I’m not leaving him.” … “Dean, will you stop? {Dean turns to face him} Just stop being so stupid.”

I love when Cas calls him out on his pig-headedness. It doesn’t happen enough. But, Castiel is in the right on this one—they can’t attack with nothing. They need to get moving.

“Okay, let’s split up.” “What?” “You go that way. I’ll go this way. We’ll meet back at the rift, alright? We’ll cover more ground. We’ll better our odds." “Yeah, we’ll also improve our odds of getting lost or killed. Come on.”

This cracks me up beyond cracking me up. Because Castiel is done with Dean at this point. They’ve been fighting for ages. Castiel has tried apologizing and tried to talk to him, and since he won’t listen to him about that, he’s going to be certain Dean listens on this.

And, how much do I love that they never had to discuss the tail. They both just knew they had a tail and wordlessly worked together to handle it.

Because they are at their best when they’re working in the rhythm they’ve crafted through years of trust and failures and finding their way back to one another again and again and again.

“I know you’re sorry, Cas. About Bel. About Mom.”

Dean looks down and away when he says that one. It’s the first time he’s actually brought her up with Cas since the whole thing went down without screaming at him.

“I was talking about Jack. I already apologized to you. You just refused to hear it.” “Sorry I brought it up. Maybe if you didn’t just up and leave us.” “You didn’t give me a choice. You couldn’t forgive me and you couldn’t move on. You were too angry. I left, but you didn’t stop me.”

What the fuck is this married-ass conversation? I mean, Dean’s abandonment issues are coming out hard despite the bad blood between them. And Castiel’s done with Dean’s shit at this point.

I’m not saying that Dean doesn’t have a point. Cas should have told him. But they’ve forgiven each other over and over and over before.

This time, Dean’s holding on. And while that crushes Castiel, he’s still here. He came back.

Castiel is here to do the job, even though that means being near the man he loves, knowing that man is too angry to even look him in the eye. Everything they’ve been up to Mary’s death is in peril.

But Castiel came back, anyway. And he’s pushing through, no matter how much it hurts.

Yeah, that “permission to be happy” thing seems way far away about now.

And Chuck takes Sam through a version of reality where Cas is the one to go in the Ma’lak box. Where that undoes Dean to a point far worse than what Castiel is seeing now.

Dean may be pissed at Cas, now, but he still can’t lose him. He just can’t. He’s lost too much already.

Meanwhile, in Purgatory, Dean is straight up yelling for Cas. I meaning a land of monsters, you don’t really want to announce yourself. It’s basically a dinner bell. But, he’s yelling out, hoping Cas will answer.

Then, he looks at the phone and sees the minutes counting down. He mutters a series of “no’s”, looking around in a panic.

A thought strikes him, and for the first time in ages, he prays to Cas.

“Cas. {Closes eyes} Cas. I hope you can hear me. {opens eyes} that wherever you are, it’s not too late.”

Too late for what? Too late for him to get away? Too late for you to say what needs to be said? A bit nebulous there, Dean Winchester.

“I should’ve stopped you. You’re my best friend, but I just let you go. ‘Cause it was easier than admitting I was wrong. “

This is when the emotions hit him. He glances around to be sure he’s nos putting himself in a vulnerable position with someone nearby before dropping to one knee. He’s leaning against the tree for cover, but he’s also there for support.

Because, he might be too late.

Too late to say he’s sorry. Too late to say he was wrong. Too late to admit what he knows in his heart but can’t get out of his mouth until it’s too damn late.

Because every time before when he lost Cas, it was too damn late. He thought they’d have time to reconcile, but like Rowena said, it couldn’t be fixed, because Cas was gone.

No, he can’t risk that, again. He has to try.

And for a man who thinks of prayer akin to begging, his begging is personal and pleading—please forgive me, Cas. Please be alive, Cas. Please come back to me, Cas.

“I don’t know why I get so angry. {the tears start to fall} I just know that it's just always been there, and when things go bad, it just, it comes out. And I can’t, I can’t stop it. No matter how, how bad I want to, I just can’t stop it. And, and I, I forgive you. Of course I forgive you. I’m sorry it took me so long to… I’m sorry it took me til now to say it. Cas, I’m so sorry. Man, I hope you can hear me. I hope you can hear me.”

Ackles is crushing this. I mean, we’ve seen the man cry quite a bit in this role, and he’s always believable. You feel it with him—the heartache. The pain.

This one is special to me, not just because of the Destiel of it all, but because of how controlled he has to be. Dean is aware that he’s in a vulnerable situation. He knows that a monster could be on him at any second.

So, a part of him is aware (almost) every second. But you can spy the brief moments when he collapses into the pain, nearly loses his thoughts to the fear that he’s going to lose his Angel.

They were here before, Castiel and Dean. And then the Angel stayed behind despite everything Dean went through to find him. This time, though, it’s almost worse.

Because he doesn’t know if Cas understands what the Angel means to him. Yes, we all know there’s more to it than Dean can verbalize, but even what he’s able to wrap his head around is significant.

This is his best friend and he let him walk out of his life. And Cas came back. He didn’t have to ask or beg him. Unlike so many people, Castiel came back to them even without forgiveness. Even without Dean telling him they’d get through it.

Cas came back.

And look where it got him—hunted in Purgatory trying to help the Winchesters save the world.

So, Dean cries without knowing how this story will end, if his words have been heard. He cries for the might have beens and the probably gone.

But once the words finish, he gives himself one more second to feel what he’s feeling before bottling it back up and getting back on the move. He has to keep moving. He has to keep it contained. He can’t let himself feel the agony.

“Dean.” “Cas?” “You made it.” “I made it?”

It’s the swoop shot! We swoop from Dean to Cas as he sees him slumped against the tree.

Dean is the one to reach for him, to pull him close, and Castiel clamps down with his one good arm, the other holding the Leviathan blossom under his jacket.

“You okay? , I’m fine. … It got a little smushed.”

As Dean sees what Castiel accomplished despite it all knowing that Castiel still fought for him despite how he was acting, despite the lack of forgiveness, despite Dean not stopping him from leaving.

Damn, that’s love.

There’s so much pride in there, too. He’s proud of the Angel.

“Once I had the blossom, I fought, caught them off-guard. They fought back. I managed to get away.” “You did it. You did it, Cas.”

He repeats it to make sure Cas hears the affirmation, to make sure Dean understands how thrilled he is that Cas completed the mission. Because the words, “Something always goes wrong. / Why does it alway seem to be you?” are ringing in his memory.

He wants Cas to know that he saw him get it right. That he isn’t always wrong. In this case, Dean admits that maybe the “wrong” was him. He was wrong with how he handled that whole thing, and he’s hoping Cas gets his meaning.

“Cas, I need to say something.” “You don’t have to say it. I heard your prayer.”

These looks baffle me, as they do many others. Because Dean doesn’t look relieved. He doesn’t look comforted. He looks like he wanted to say these things directly to Cas, but Castiel let him off the hook.

And I’m not sure Dean wanted to be let off this time. He wanted to speak his penance.

But Castiel starts moving, again, and with the little time they have, Dean does, too.

From Castiel’s point of view, he doesn’t look comforted by the prayer, either. He looks pained. Perhaps it’s from the beating he took getting the blossom,

It’s fascinating and I’m really having trouble reading them. Another time I wish I could ask the actors, “Hey, what was that!?”

At the end, Castiel and Dean are sitting next to each other in the same posture. Finally finally Destiel are back at the same table. There are no more tables between them. They’re sitting together on the same plane.

And when Sam walks into the room, Dean and Cas straighten at the same time, moving as one.

Oh, yeah, we’re so back, bitches!

But, seriously, the Divorce Arc is so fascinating when put against the Widower Arc of Season 13. In both cases, there are things separating the pair, and both times it’s death—just different deaths.

Dean was in shambles over losing Cas in Season 13. And, yes, Mary, too. Not discounting that! But when the man bounces back like a Weeble (who wobbles, but won’t fall down) as soon as the Angel returns, I think we can draw some conclusions, eh?

Meanwhile, this time Cas’ indirect part in Mary’s death is what has driven them apart this time. And we can see that Dean’s been inching back towards Cas every episode. Even when he’s pissed, he still trusts Castiel to have his back in Purgatory and anywhere else.

But faced with losing Cas again!? That’s when the final wall breaks down. And, yes, what Castiel said helped. Because it framed that Cas understood the problem just as well as he did—he couldn’t get past his anger. He was letting his anger celebrate him from love.

Anger and Fear can block Love. Dean’s been denying himself Castiel’s love. Yes, he still gets it in bursts and fleeting moments when he forgets to be angry, much like when he was pissed at Cas for killing Billie.

But this was his Mom and that makes it a thousand times harder to work through.

Faced with losing him, he finally pushed through. Because love—real love—endures. And that’s what Cas and Dean have.

It might not have a name to satisfy the anti’s, but it’s damn real.

And, can I just point out that Eileen was my favorite of Sam’s love interests ever!? I was heartbroken we didn’t see her again after this episode. She was amazing, and the actress did a beautiful job.

I heard Padalecki would message her to teach him signs that he thought Sam might learn for Eileen, and that made my heart leap. I only know a little ASL, but what I do know helps me chat with a friend who is Hard of Hearing. My children take ASL at school.

If we all do our part to learn, we can try to make this world a little more accessible for those who have no choice but to adapt to a world that wasn’t crafted with them in mind.

So, I will say I was impressed and heartened to hear that Padalecki was the one who wanted to learn those signs and set out to do it. It leant so much to Sam, but it also made my heart leap.

S15E10 -

And this is not Destiel at all, but I am damn jealous that Jensen Ackles reportedly learned this whole thing in no time. I took lots of dance classes as a kid. I did musical theater. My brain can’t do that.

I mean, I can learn steps and perform them, but it takes me practicing all the time in my free time to get it. He’s just… effortless. Honey, you missed your calling as the natural heir to Fred Astaire’s career.

I mean, even just the way his body locks in as he turns to the lamp. The way he finishes it off atop the table?

I mean, I was always more of a Gene Kelly girl, m’self, but this was fucking beautiful. Well done, sir! My 7-year-old daughter loves watching this clip on repeat.

S15E11 -

Cas walks in to a note from Sam because Dean’s not gonna leave him a loving note. It’s gonna be Sam… adding that damn extra “s” to his name.

I mean, I head cannon that the whole reason Dean put him in his phone as “Cas” with the extra “s” was so he could chuckle at seeing “ass” every time Castiel called.

I mean, the dude is so immature he still pranks his brother when he laves the Bunker for any length of time. Dean had zero childhood, so he’s so incredibly stunted.

While the boys are out trying their luck, Castiel follows a case… a case that leads him to someone he thought dead—his son.

And I love the actress playing Fortuna. I’ve seen her elsewhere, and she’s just so damn good every time. One of those character actresses you get excited to see every time because you know whatever she’s doing, it’s gonna be good.

The boys get home, and it takes one look for Dean to know something’s up with Cas. He just doesn’t know which was it’s gonna go.

He presents Jack much the way Dean presented Castiel to Jack back in early Season 13. Jack isn’t sure how he’ll be received, but Sam hugs him, while Dean cups his face, looking upon him with fatherly affection, despite everything.

Dean looks to Cas, who looks back. Their boy is home.

“Jack, you ate their hearts?” “And you let him?” {Cas nods} {Dean takes it in}

It’s fascinating how Dean doesn’t question it once Cas is okay with it.

S15E12 -

“I created… the world.”

I’m so so sorry, but this was the shot they chose? I mean, this is the Winchester Brothers show, and I know it, and will rightfully call it out. But this was purposeful.

Because for some folks, Destiel is their whole world.

And there will never be a drip of judgment from me about that. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life. Sometimes, television shows were the only things I had to get me from one day to the next—wrapping myself up in fantasy enough to survive my reality.

So, no judgment at all. But, wow someone made a choice with that shot and timing!

Later, Dean and Cas share an… intimate moment.

Alright, we gotta talk about how domestic Dean and Castiel are in this scene with their drinks and their casual posture and how relaxed they are with one another. I can’t remember them having a scene like this ever before.

So, of course it would be only a few episodes from the end.

But, listen, I’m not complaining! Getting to see Dean and Cas smiling together, drinking together, and for once not being burdened with the world and all the beings gunning for them is… nice.

All the drama has melted. No, things between them aren’t peaches and cream, but I don’t think we have ever seen them in a scene this… intimate.

Dean has his phone face-down next to him, the Universal Sign of wanting it close, but not wanting to have it face-up while spending time with someone you care about.

Y’all, I see why the official Supernatural YouTube account referred to this scene as a date. It totally is.

And it’s one of the rare glimpses of what a date could look like for them. We know they watch movies together, but we never see it. And to get to see this feels like a whisper of what might have been.

But it also feels like a promise of what may be once they both get to Heaven.

Oops! I’m skipping ahead, again.

“Well, here’s to being right.”

Okay, I’m sorry, but what is this shot?! I’m getting “clinking champagne at New Years minutes after we kissed” vibes from this shot. And look how our cuties are positioned! The table between them, and the seats angled slightly inward.

Reminds me of when they sat on benches next to one another—on opposite sides—forming Angel wings. Kinda doing it, again, here. But Cas is definitely turned in a little more towards Dean than Dean is towards Cas.

I think that’s indicative of where we are. Castiel knows he’s in love with Dean Winchester. Dean’s not quite there, yet.

He knows Cas is important to him. His best friend. Someone he can’t do without. But the specifics of what that means is a bit… muddles for him, still.

Doesn’t help that they rarely have time for moments like this because they’re always trying to save the world.

“And here’s to payback. Hmm. Come on. What, revenge doesn’t sound good to you?” “What sounds good to me is Jack fulfilling his destiny.” “Okay, yeah, but, icing on the cake. {Cas chuckles} I mean, Chuck wanted Cain and Abel and now we’re going all Biblical on him. Killed by his own grandson {Dean chuckles}. That sounds right to me.”

It’s all we get. Just a glimpse. But it’s such a lovely glimpse of another side of their relationship we rarely get to see.

I’ve talked a lot about how I adore the moments the Winchesters get to be siblings. I mean, I can tell you that my brother and I had very few of those growing up. He even called me Mom 2.0.

Sibling moments are precious, right? But for Dean and Cas, moments where they can just enjoy each other’s company are far too rare.

I’m thankful we got this one before the end.

“She loved her, Kaia. She’d do anything for a chance to save her… If we fail, She’d never recover., It’d kill her.”

I think part of why Castiel has such a good read on the situation is because it mirrors him and Dean. Without the other, they’re lost. It’s just the way it goes.

And, yes, I have thoughts on why that isn’t completely the case in 15x20, but I’ll get to that in a little bit. We’re almost there, loves.

If you’ve made it this far, I’m so so sorry. I’m betting the two of you I had for half of this has dwindled down to one. Thanks for sticking it out.

I wrote this for fun and to keep myself writing while my brain’s struggling to form original thought under the weight of too much else in my world. I hope it entertains you, some.

S15E13 -

"Before it was-” “Plundered by pirates.” “No.” “It was dug up by tomb raiders.”

Sometimes Dean’s the one rolling his eyes at Cas. Sometime’s Cas the one who looks like he wants to stab Dean. It’s all about finding the balance in relationships.

“Will he ever forgive me?, You know, Dean, he feels things more acutely than any human I’ve ever known.”

And you feel things more acutely than any Angel he’s ever known. No wonder you two found your way to one another.

“So, it’s possible he could work through this. One day, he may explode and let it all out, and breathe deeply and move on.” “How long will that take?" “I don’t know.”

I like that Castiel is honest with Jack. He knows his boyfriend better than anyone else, and it took a long ass time for Dean to verbalize his forgiveness of Cas and Cas wasn’t the one who actually did the deed.

“Cas, the Empty doesn’t exactly like you. Remember?” “Yeah, I do. But our deal? I’m far from happy, so I should be fine.”

I love his optimism. Also, he doesn’t yet know what it is that will let him be happy. Because he soaks in every second of love he receives from Dean, thinking those little bits are all Dean can give. All he’ll want to give.

“Guys. You’re back.” “Jack. What the hell?”

Dean immediately steps toward Cas in horror. He’s talking to Jack, but his eyes are locked on Cas.

“Why do they call this place the Empty? This place is full. It’s full of sorrow and despair playing over and over again, of angels and demons dreaming about their regrets. Forever.” “Yeah, I know.”

This just gutted me the first time around. Because, I don’t know if they were retconning, or if this was what they always intended. But turning the Empty into Superhell is genius and heartbreaking.

Because Castiel hasn’t told the others just how bad it is. So, the deal he made is even worse. Because when he experiences that moment of happiness where he gives himself permission to openly love Dean Winchester… Castiel won’t remember it.

As long as he’s in the Empty, he will never know he told Dean. He will never know that Dean didn’t reject him, but accepted his love, even if he couldn’t reciprocate in the moment. All of that. Gone.

Castiel knows this in S15E18 when he summons the Empty. He realizes he will never again know that feeling.

And so, as it tears him away from the man he loves, he’s content, savoring every second knowing that the moment he passes through to the other side, he won’t remember a damn thing. Nothing of light. Nothing of happiness.

He’ll only remember the things he did wrong. The failures that plague his self esteem. The regrets that eat at his heart. The shame that reminds him that romantic love is off limits for Angels—one of the ultimate sins.

“You got what you wanted. Now, what, you think you’re gonna just flit on home?” “Yes, because we have a deal.”

He believes the Empty will honor it. But the Empty's got an axe to grind and decides a little light torture is on the agenda.

“That’s way too many ’hopefullys’.” “Bring him back, now.”

As Jack feeds Cas his Grace back, we see Dean and Sam worrying.

“Come on, wake up, pal. … Come on, Cas. Come on. … Cas!”

The longer it takes for Castiel to return to him, the more frantic Dean gets. Worry sets in that this is going to be permanent, that he’s going to lose the Angel.

As Cas starts breathing again, the focus is on Dean, here. I mean, Sam is only in half the shot and out of focus. We see relief followed quickly by annoyance flit over his face. It’s so fast, the micro expressions, but Ackles rocks it.

“You made it back.” {Cas looks to Dean} “Yeah, and so did you. You’re an idiot, by the way.” “What if this hadn’t worked?” “But it did.” … “So, you saw Ruby.” “And I got the location. {struggles to stand} Am I still an idiot?” “Well, yeah.”

I love the way Cas narrows his eyes at Dean, almost as a challenge. And then the bloody head tilt that follows. You can feel how annoyed Cas is with Dean.

Golly, these two are so married.

But Dean doesn’t mind being the one in danger, right? He probably would’ve tried to stop Cas from doing the thing in the first place. And, yeah, they do some stupid-ass things without consulting each other, and this wasn’t the best.

At least it worked out this time, right!?

Can we talk about how hard I laughed watching Dean and Castiel argue over their son while poor Sam had to hold the door alone?! Um, guys!?

Like, seriously, two of you don’t need to help Jack with this. Surely one of you could go help Sam hold the damn door!

“No! Spit it out!”

Okay, Ackles, I don’t know if you were a dad by this point (I’m not creepy enough to look that kind of thing up… ick), but that delivery was so Dad. I mean, yes, the line lends itself to it. But Ackles’ voice slides up in a very paternal way.

I cackled.

And leaving Dean and Cas at the front of the church? What, are they getting married now? I mean, screw whatever, let them make it official, damnit!

Yeah, I know. I know. Not happening. But, someone’s got that fic on AO3, you know it!

“So, Jack’s back.” “Yeah, he is, but something’s different. … His soul is back.”

I love how Dean looks to Cas on this one, especially since Castiel was honest about something being different this time. And we get the shot of Dean looking to Cas, and the camera following.

I’ve missed our swoop shots.

S15E15 -

“Why don’t you and Cas go run it down just to be sure.” “Really?” “What?” “Yeah, you said you didn’t wanna sit around here after the whole Mrs. Butters thing-.” “Mrs. What’s?” “Just get out there, you know, stay busy.”

Dean’s making eyes at Castiel. No, not that way. Get your head out of the gutter. But, he’s trying to get Cas to see his point.

“With a murder investigation?” “Yeah.” “Sam?” {Cas looks for an out} “Dean’s not wrong.”

Damnit, Sam! Castiel really doesn’t wanna do this. But, off they go!

“It says I need a parent or guardian’s permission to join.” “You have my permission.”

Okay, this was absolutely adorable. And, Castiel knows exactly what he is to his boy. And, yes, I’m still pissed about the birthday cake. I thought of it as soon as this exchange happened.

“We’re all trapped. Sam. And Cas. And Jack. And even you.”

Again, that order of family for Dean. Sammy’s always got top spot. But right behind him is Castiel.

“I have more dads than most… and I always feel like I’m letting all of them down. … You’re just a scared little boy trying to make your daddies happy.”

Yes, Jack has three Dads and very different relationships with all of them. But, when Castiel brings a stray home, there’s a high chance Dean and Sam are going to connect with it and wordlessly help raise them.

I mean, seriously, it’s happened twice.

And, yes, I know there was some resistance from Dean at the beginning of both the Claire and Jack arcs, but once he committed, he committed.

“Don’t tell Sam and Dean.” “Oh, yeah, why not?” … “This is the only way they’ll ever forgive me.”

Jack tells Castiel the truth—that he has to die. And Cas’ first instinct is to bring the others in on it, because he’s done keeping secrets from the boys.

But, I think it’s fascinating that Jack is asking Cas to keep the secret much as Castiel asked Jack to keep the secret of the Deal with the Empty.

He really expects that Castiel will keep it quiet, but Cas has never been good at letting Cosmic things lie.

“I watched you die once, and I will not watch you do it, again.” “It’s not your choice.”

There it is. That’s the show. One of them chooses to die, and the others say, “Fuck that”. Congratulations, Jack, you’re officially part of the family.

“Cas? Hey, where’re you going? Where’s Jack?” “He’s in his room. We got back. We didn’t want to wake you up.” “Eh, I wasn’t asleep. How’d the case go?” “Oh, it went. Solved it. Saved some people. And Amara?” “Yeah. Yeah, we got her. I think she’s onboard.” “Good.”

It’s an easy-going conversation between the two. Like partners coming home after long days at work who want to catch each other up on what the other missed. There’s such a domesticity to this scene.

Truly, Cas and Dean are headed toward their nesting era. Too bad they never fully arrive.

ahem

No, I didn’t intend that double entendre. It wrote itself. And then, welp, I just had to let it be.

“Wait, what’s happening? Where are you going?” “I’m going to look for another way. I have to.” “What the hell are you talking about?”

Dean’s gotten so much better at reading Cas! Ugh, it hurts my heart knowing how close to the end we are. Just a few more episodes to enjoy them actually being this comfortable with one another.

It’s so much softer than it’s ever been between them. Oh, I selfishly long for more.

“Dean, in case something goes wrong and I don’t make it back, there’s something you and Sam, you need to know.”

Dean actually looks Cas up and down as Cas steps closer. He doesn’t know what’s coming, but he knows there’s a reason Castiel is stepping so close, and it ain’t to plant a kiss on his sweetheart’s lips.

S15E15 -

“And, And Cas just bailed, I guess. He didn’t say anything to you about why he left?” “Not really.” “And you guys didn’t get into a fight or something?”

This cracks me up. Again, the domesticity of the latter half of Season 15 is wild. Even the way Dean scoffs at the accusation. Like, Sam knows by now how badly you two bicker. Like a couple.

You’re so close to figuring that out yourself. But you never get the chance.

TEXT: Did you tell Sam, yet?

The first time I saw this, I said, “oooh!” aloud like a member of the studio audience. Dean’s keeping things from Sammy, again. Ruh-roh!

“Who’re you calling?” “I’m just trying Cas again.” “Hang it up.” “What?” “Hang up the phone.” “What’s going on?”

Dean decides to finally come clean. To tell his little brother the truth.

“So Billie just told you this while you were grabbing burgers?” “No. Cas did before we left. Before we even got the call about Travis.” “So, you’ve been sitting on this. What the hell, Dean? I thought we were past stuff like this…”

And, look, Dean keeping shit from Sammy this late in the game is as stupid as Cas keeping shit from Dean. These three need therapy and healthy coping mechanisms, stat!

But it’s also fascinating that Castiel entrusted Dean to tell Sam. Like, Cas could have called Sam, or woken him, but he knew neither would be the best case scenario. Even if it was Dean who suggested he tell Sam, Cas still trusted him with it.

Gosh, backend of Season 15 is so damn heartbreaking as a Heller.

Because they were right there on the cusp of finally figuring it out. Eleven years in each other’s orbit and finally falling into something almost gentle and trusting.

We needed them to repair what was broken so Castiel’s declaration has its full impact—so it fundamentally changes how Dean sees himself after years of believing his singular purpose is to kill and maim.

At the beginning of the season, Dean couldn’t so much as look at Castiel, let alone listen to him. The Writers had to start with Dean and Cas as far apart as they’ve ever been and bring them back together in a way we’d believe and accept.

Nearly losing the Angel again in Purgatory was a mighty fine way to push Dean to reconciliation. And since then, they’ve been comfortable, almost cozy.

S15E17 -

Look, Amara is an interesting character, but she’s more interesting when she’s not trying to become one with Dean. Wild that she ends up becoming one with Dean’s son, but that’s another topic entirely.

“When I found out about Chuck… it’s like, it’s like I wasn’t alive. Not really. You know, like my whole life I’ve never been free, like really free. But now, now me and Sam, we got a shot at living a life without all this crap on our backs. And that’s, that’s because of you. So, I, I, I wanted to say, I need to say thank you, Jack. Thank you.”

This is crazy insight and a lot of honesty from Dean. He really does feel like a puppet on a string, like nothing he ever did was his choice.

I have friends who believe everything is pre-determined. I’ve always hated that idea because if I’m going to agonize over decisions, I’d like it to be worth it, thank you very much.

And Dean wants to know his choices are his—good or bad, win or lose.

It strikes me that as Sam explains what happens to the people from the other worlds, Eileen, to all of them, Dean looks to Cas for confirmation. In this moment, Castiel has none, but I find it fascinating that as Dean is wrestling with this, he hopes the Angel has clarification.

“I’d trade them all in a heartbeat.” “What about me? Would you trade me?”

As soon as Sam forces Dean to look at the issue another way, he looks to Castiel, again. I don’t know what he’s looking for this time. But he looks, still.

Throughout this scene, he’s looking for Cas. Maybe he wants Cas to back him up. But he won’t. Maybe he wants Cas to talk him out of it. But he can’t.

There are times that only Sam can get through, and Cas knows Dean well enough, now, to understand that.

“My entire life, you’ve protected me. {Dean looks back to Cas, again} From Dad, from Lucifer, from everything.”

Sam tries to get through, and damnit it will always be tough to get through to Angry Dean. But nobody can do this better than Sammy.

“We came to an understanding, so spare me your contempt, Castiel, the self-hating angel of Thursday. You know what every other version of you did after 'gripping him tight and raising him from perdition'? They did what they were told. But not you. Not the 'one off the line with a crack in his chassis’.”

This is one of the most fascinating things. I mean, we’ve always heard the other Angels talk about how something was off about Castiel. And we know these Winchesters are different from any other version of the Winchesters.

And it’s easy to think, “Oh, Castiel is only the way he is because he met Dean”.

But, in every other version of the story, Castiel met Dean, raised him from Perdition, and followed the script. He did his job. Because our Castiel is as different as our Sam and Dean.

My Destiel heart leaps at that knowledge.

This Dean and this Cas found one another. Two versions of themselves that were both different enough that their interactions changed one another, that they fundamentally altered one another’s course, that they came together again, and again, and again.

Yes, the trope of “you and me in every universe” is damn beautiful.

But there’s also something hauntingly beautiful about the concept of finding one another only as not an accident of fate, but as a defiance of fate.

No, they might not be throwing trench coats and flannel on the floor in fits of passion. But choosing each other is still a defiant act of love—one that they do repeatedly.

I mean, the one time Chuck is like, “nah, fuck it, I’m leaving Castiel dead”, the little minx annoyed a Cosmic being so much it spat him out like gristle.

They may not find each other in every reality, but they will always find one another in this one.

“All of you. You know I tried and I tried, and I tried, but you’re all just too stupid. Too stubborn. Too broken. You know what, I’m over it. I’m over you.”

"Stubborn" is definitely to Cas, and the way Sam reacts to “stupid” makes me think that one’s his. And “broken” is Dean’s. These three were interesting and entertaining until they started openly defying him.

Can’t get the ending he wants, so he tries to force it out of them. I mean, he already killed Jack once, so why not try, again, right?

Also, showing the Dad’s here around their boy. Framing is everything. Castiel on one shoulder. Dean on the other. Sam supporting from behind. Yeah, this is their entire family dynamic in one image.

Damn, I love DPs.

S15E18 -

“We don’t care about you because you’re useful or you fit into some grand design. We care about you because you’re you.”

Castiel can speak to this particular fear in a way nobody else can. He’s experienced this particular fear many times—that without his powers, he’s useless to the others. That he’s a burden. That he’s a drain.

But once Dean forgives him, prays to him, cries for him in Purgatory, that heals something in Castiel, I think. I think he finally stops doubting his place in this world.

This is what Castiel needed to hear time and time again. And now he’s trying to pass that knowledge and understanding onto his boy.

“You know, God, the Empty, everyone’s so mad at us and I don’t have my powers. There’s nothing I can do to protect us. I’m scared, Cas.” “I know. Me, too.”

As a mother, I understand the value of talking to children clearly and honestly, even when it means sharing in their fears. He’s such a good dad.

“I’ll go with you, Dean.” “Alright. … Let’s go, Cas. Let’s go reap a reaper.”

The last “I’ll go with you” there ever was. There were times Dean said no, times he said yes. But this was the last yes. The last trip. The last time.

They won’t know, now, that this is their last drive together. That whatever song they might listen to on the way is the last song they’ll hear together. They don’t know the words spoken here will play over and over like a well-worn Casette.

They don’t know they’re walking into Death’s grip.

When Billie grabs Dean’s heart, Castiel grabs Dean. He grips him tight.

And the first time I wrote that, I flashed back to the beginning, to Perdition, to Castiel gripping him tight and pulling him out of there. This time, he’s pulling him from Death.

Castiel has always seen himself as the Winchester’s protectors. Later, their friend, and later, still, part of the family. He will always do whatever it takes to protect Dean Winchester.

And as they walk down the hall, Castiel half-carrying Dean, Cas said, “I’ve got you”. It’s a statement. It’s a promise. It’s all he’s ever wanted—to save Dean Winchester.

Castiel closes the door on the room and reaches for Dean’s pocket knife in the human’s back pocket. He always knows where Dean’s stuff is, so it doesn’t read as weird at all.

He cuts his hand and brings the ward to life in his blood. It gives Dean enough room to breathe, and you can see how Castiel breathes more easily seeing Dean straighten.

“I just led us into another trap. All because I, I couldn’t hurt Chuck. Because I was angry and I just needed something to kill and because that’s all I know how to do.”

This is how Dean Winchester sees himself. A killer. Angry. He states it without making a big deal of it, without it coming off as self-pity. No, this is grief. This is heartache.

“Why am I this way?” he must wonder, wishing he could be something else, anything else. Because as far as he knows, this is all there is to him.

He’s put the chair between himself and Castiel. He feels tortured and trapped.

“We never should’ve left Sam and Jack. We should be there with them now. Everybody’s gonna die, Cas. Everybody. I can’t stop it.”

Billie pounds on the door, and Dean’s eyes snap up as a realization hits him—that door can’t hold forever.

“She’s gonna get through that door.” “I know.” “And she’s gonna kill you, and then she’s gonna kill me. I’m sorry.”

First, he has to watch his best friend die. He has to suffer through that. He has to watch as Billie destroys him. Then, she’ll destroy him. And Dean’s wrestling with the belief that this is his fault.

“Why am I so angry? Why am I so stubborn? Why do I have to kill everything—even the things I love?”

But while he’s blaming himself, Castiel is thinking about what happens when he dies, where he goes when he dies. And he realizes that if he’s going there, anyway, why not make it matter.

But… how?

How the hell does he bring on that moment of happiness? Is it possible?

Something strikes him—his earlier conversation with Jack. He told Jack it wasn’t about his powers or abilities. It was about him. That was enough. Being is enough.

“Wait, there is… there’s one thing she’s afraid of. There’s, there’s one thing strong enough to stop her.”

Dean looks to Cas, curious what he’s thought of, what just might save their asses.

“When Jack was dying, I, I made a deal to save him.” “You what?” “The, the price was my life. When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever.”

You can see the wheels turning as Dean tries to connect the dots, here. Like, buddy, you said you had a solution for our problem. How does this solve anything?

“Why are you telling me this, now?” “I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, what my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have. But I think I know, I think I know, now, happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being, it’s in just saying it.”

He finally has a handle on it, how he will accomplish the goal he’s had since the moment he first laid hands on the man—save Dean Winchester.

Before the words “I want” are out, he’s committed. He knows that he’s going to die. He knows he’s given himself permission to openly love Dean Winchester. To defy God and all the Angels who told him it wasn’t for him.

Because, damnit, these are the Dean and Castiel that make their own choices.

Loving Dean isn’t a choice, to be clear. But giving himself permission to feel it, to channel it, to experience it, to say it without shame or fear—that’s the choice. And he’s made it.

Now, it’s only a matter of time—something they never have enough of.

“What are you talking about, man?”

Dean has used this line before when exasperated with Cas. It comes out easily, but as Castiel steps closer, Dean gives him a once over, similar to the one he gave when Cas stepped closer to him to tell him the truth about Jack having to die.

“I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You’re destructive and you’re angry and you’re broken. You’re daddy’s blunt instrument. You think that hate and anger, that’s, that’s what drives you, that’s who you are. It’s not.”

Castiel’s voice is breaking. He’s building up to it, getting closer to it, letting himself say it. Not just those three magic words, but to tell Dean the Dean he sees.

I mean, if the pages I saw were real, the damn script reads “Still beautiful. Still Dean Winchester.” Holy hell, y’all! Can you imagine having someone see you as beautiful after all you’ve done and all you’ve been through?

Because Castiel knows all of Dean’s sins, better than almost anyone. And he loves him all the same.

On “Daddy’s blunt instrument” you can see how exposed Dean feels. He’s never liked when Castiel looked within him and saw things he wanted unseen. But that’s not where this story is going, Dean. That’s not where this ends.

“And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raise your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are.”

Dean’s lips are parted. He’s in shock and so confused. At the end of this bit, he looks down, trying to piece together what is happening, to figure out where this is leading. His lip starts to quiver as Castiel continues, drawing his eyes back to the Angel.

“You’re the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being that I will ever know.”

Cas is smiling through this, the joy filling him. Can you imagine that unlocking of emotions for an Angel who has lived eons without understanding of humanity, without love?

And in just 11 short years, barely a blink to this being, everything changed.

He met a man who challenged him, who frustrated him, who encouraged him to reach for better, and helped him become something more than what Chuck intended.

One of my favorite children’s stories is probably one most people hate—The Velveteen Rabbit. But as someone who’s seen some shit, I love the idea that something worn down and ragged and loved becomes real.

For all the times people talked down about Castiel’s battered trench coat, about his weakness for humanity, about his compassion as a problem… they didn’t realize that all of this all of this makes him more “real” than they could ever be.

Castiel doesn’t love like an Angel, anymore, blind devotion and adulation. His love is human. It’s messy and challenging and real.

On the reverse shot, Dean swallows hard. He doesn’t understand the emotions he’s feeling, or why Castiel has chosen now to do all this. But the moment Castiel turned the attention to him, to Dean, the human can’t speak.

He’s listening. Because nobody has ever spoken to Dean Winchester like this. No one has ever seen him like this. Because nobody has ever loved Dean Winchester like this.

“You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me.”

The single tear trickles down. He smiles between sentences. Every sentence is laced in love, so thick and layered that it affixes itself to Dean without the human even realizing. Every sentence, every word, a bandaid on a badly battered heart, mending it one syllable at a time.

Dean’s expression here is the one that kills me. He’s swallowing his emotions down. He’s not sure of them, no, but what Castiel is saying is touching on his insecurities and fears in ways no one ever has.

Instead of affirming them, Castiel is contradicting them, trying to show Dean the Dean Winchester he sees. The man he loves.

“Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you.”

You can see Dean’s expression shift. Once, when Castiel was near death from the poisoned spear, his speech went a similar way. He’s got a handle on this, now.

His lips are still parted, tears in those green eyes, searching Castiel’s as he tries to root himself. His breathing is uneven. Just look at his Adam’s apple. He’s trying to stay still when everything in him his shaking.

Dean Winchester is shaken.

“You changed me, Dean.” “Why does this sound like a goodbye?” “Because it is.”

Deans lips part further as his head cocks to the side. His breath catches. Watch his mouth. It literally catches. Because he knows what comes out next is goodbye. He doesn’t know what that goodbye is, but this is it.

Because much as he hated them dying here together, he would hate even more to live while those he loves dies.

“I love you.”

It’s honest. It’s earnest. And Dean doesn’t need Castiel to clarify.

He’s listened to the whole speech, each word coated in that love. This is not a brotherly love, but the love of a partner—someone who can see you clearly when you can’t see yourself.

Someone to call you on your shit. To encourage you when you’re fearful, to help you when you’re weak, to support you when you struggle.

Someone to share drinks with, favorite songs, movies, and stories. Someone who makes this whole damn “life” thing feel a little bit easier.

And what can Dean say?

If the script I saw is real, it said “Dean can’t reciprocate” and while I can roll with it, I do think there’s more to it than that from the perspective of what’s on the screen in the rest of this episode and the episodes to come.

Because Dean Winchester doesn’t process emotions quickly. He barely processes them at all. He mostly processes them too late and long after the time to speak has passed.

Dean’s still catching up to how this is all connected—a moment of true happiness. The Empty. Everything is happening so damn fast.

My abuella got really sick the day before Thanksgiving one year. My Dad took her to the Emergency Room. She was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer within days. And two weeks from that ER visit, she passed. Everything happened too quickly.

Processing took us all a long time. At least, I know it did for me and Dad, who were there almost every moment.

Some things take time to understand. And I don’t think Dean has ever looked at his relationship with Castiel in that light, never examined the possibilities, never even thought the Angel could love him romantically.

Because love is for humans, right?

I mean, it’s strange enough that Castiel loves the Winchesters as family, that he loves Jack. So, I don’t think Dean Winchester of this moment can reciprocate because Castiel’s known about his love for Dean for at least a year. Dean’s had a moment.

Castiel smiles, unburdened. The fear and self-hate drains away a bit. Because, he believed wholly that Dean could never love him back. And he can see from Dean’s expression and seeing through him that he hasn’t rejected him or cast him off because of that love.

Even if in that moment the love isn’t reciprocated, it’s understood. It’s received. It’s accepted.

And, Castiel, the Angel of Thursday, saves Dean Winchester one more time.

“Don’t do this, Cas.”

But it’s done, Dean. It’s done. He’s leaving you. He’s taking Billie away and giving you a chance to live, damnit.

Castiel shakes his head slightly. “It’s done, love” his movement says.

Dean hears the sound of the Empty behind him, and his head whips around to the wall. This is when it sets in for him, when he realizes just how little time they have.

There are tears in his eyes, hot tears. His lip quivers. He’s heartbroken. He’s trying to figure out what to say to Castiel, how to organize his thoughts, what does he feel in light of this new information?

But there’s no time. Never enough time. Everything he should have said left unsaid. He’s out of time.

He turns back to Castiel, still looking intently upon him with so much love, so much joy that it radiates off of him, in spite of everything.

Dean tries to stammer out something, but Castiel steps forward, gripping Dean’s shoulder one more time.

“Goodbye Dean.”

And Dean can barely process the phrase before Castiel throws him to the wall, out of the Empty’s aim.

As Dean pushes up to look at Castiel from his spot on the floor, his Angel is looking down at him. One last look of love, a half laugh bubbling out of him.

It’s the end, and yet he’s never felt so… free. He’s free. For all of thirty seconds this poor Angel is free.

But, it’s the best moment of his life because he saved the human he loved by loving him.

Dean has tears in his eyes. They glisten with them. His mouth opens and closes with words he can’t summon.

There’s added breathing here that drives me mad because Ackles acts with his breathing. It’s something I picked up on very quickly. Dean will hold his breath or gasp as part of the character.

And that final gasp when Castiel is gone… it aches.

The family song plays—the last time it will play for Castiel—as the Empty takes the tear-streaked Angel away.

After the commercial break, Dean sits alone in the bunker. All that’s left of Castiel is the handprint in blood on his coat. It covers the shoulder Castiel gripped when he pulled Dean out of Hell.

First touch. Last touch.

Wow, Dean actually did get touched by an Angel.

But what strikes me about this final scene of an episode entitled Despair is the silence. There is no added music to ease us through this—because we aren’t meant to feel comfort. This is despair.

Dean hasn’t moved from the floor, save to pull the phone from his pocket. The phone is ringing, but he can’t bring himself to talk. He can’t talk to Sam. He couldn’t talk to Cas.

He lost the time to say the things he should have said… He won’t talk to a soul for hours as he drives to meet Sam.

The only sound in this final shot besides the phone buzzing on the floor is Dean’s soft sobs as he holds his head in his hands. It’s such a brazen choice, reminding us not only of the quiet of the world, but the loneliness for Dean.

Dean talks so many times about how things would hit him and he could shake them off later. But with Cas, he’s always struggled to shake it off—the good and the bad.

And now, instead of answering the call from his brother, the most important person in his world, he drops the phone, lets it ring, and holds his head in his hands while he sobs.

His mourning for Cas is bigger, in this moment, than anything else.

Because he didn’t understand. Now he does.

Dean knew Cas loved him, but I don’t think he ever considered Cas was in love with him. Yes, I know this is a very controversial thing to say, but that’s how I see it.

When I look at Dean sitting there, I see a man who is just starting to grapple with what he lost. Because, in canon, Dean always realizes what Cas means to him after he loses him.

Every time Cas comes back, Dean is more open with him, more honest with him, more affectionate with him, more caring with him. Hell, even after the Divorce Arc there was something gentler and more caring about his relationship with Cas.

Dean sometimes needs that jolt of loss to help propel him forward emotionally. It’s a part of his character that we can see very clearly throughout the series.

He’s one of the most emotionally stunted guys out there, but every time he loses Cas, he falls a little deeper for him. And I don’t think romantic love ever crossed Dean’s mind because he’s wrapped himself in a dynamic where he doesn’t think he needs romantic love at all.

Dean Winchester puts everything in his life into emotional silos and boxes. He has a very black-and-white view of himself and the world around him when we first meet him.

He’s a hunter. He’s a killer. Monsters are bad. Etc.

But anyone watching the show knows there are layers to Dean far beyond what he can see, right? We know that he isn’t any one thing and that most of his worst views of himself are self-imposed by trauma and fear.

And when it comes to relationships, Dean has only a few settings: Friend, Family, Fling, Committed Romantic/Sexual Partner.

Cas long moved out of the “Friend” category, with Dean already calling them Family early on. But once he was nestled in that box, Dean tried to keep him there. He occasionally dipped into “Best Friend”, which was a big move, especially for him.

Dean has never seen Cas show physical affection to a man. He’s only seen Castiel with Meg, knows he had sex with April, and when he was brainwashed, he married a woman. (Side note: What happened to that poor girl!?)

It would never cross his mind that Cas was romantically attracted to him. Hell, not even attracted, invested. Castiel has been doting on Dean for so long, but Dean couldn’t recognize it as such.

Dean doesn’t know what romantic love without sex looks like. Now, this isn’t to say that sex couldn’t be on the table for these two down the line. Only, that Dean doesn’t realize he’s spent years in a panromantic asexual partnership without realizing it.

Until now.

Everything they’ve shared—especially the last few years—is suddenly under a different lens. He didn’t know.

And what might he have done if he’d known before? Would it have changed anything? Would he have done things differently? If he’d understood what he’d had, might have reached out more?

These are all the things rolling around in his head as he now has to grapple not only with the loss of Castiel as his best friend, but the loss of Castiel as the potential love of his life.

Yes, I mean that.

Nobody has ever loved Dean Winchester like Castiel did. And nobody has ever changed Dean like Castiel.

Those final moments of loss are gut-wrenching, and much as the show allowed us to sit with Dean in the moments when Castiel was stabbed and Dean had to prep his body for burning, we’re allowed to sit with Dean in his pain, now.

Because the cord of connection that so tightly bound them has been severed, snapped in half by a darker, gelatinous, thread of darkness.

But the remnants of that cord wrap themselves tight around Dean’s heart, stitched together with Castiel’s final words of love to form a shield that nobody else ever gave Dean, something he certainly couldn’t give himself.

Yes, he’s mourning. He’s heartbroken. But, he accepted Castiel’s love. We know in the moment he couldn’t reciprocate (per the script), but I think that’s only because he had zero time to consider how he felt. He was so gobsmacked by the words coming out of his best friend’s mouth that there was no time to process.

We know that Collins was approached before Season 15 with the idea for Cas’ demise. He knew that he was playing Cas as in love with Dean, without wiggle room, for the entirety of that season.

But Castiel says he’s been wondering ever since he made the deal what his moment of happiness would look like. Collins might not have known, but Castiel knew then that he was in love with Dean.

So, Cas has had at least a year to understand and explore his romantic attachment to Dean. Dean has less than a minute before Cas is gone.

And the camera stays with him. We stay with him.

His eyes are filled with tears as he tries to absorb what just happened. They were running. They were gonna die. Cas made the sacrificial play, but he did so by releasing his fear and openly loving Dean.

Everything changed in a matter of minutes. Everything.

He weeps for Cas. He weeps for what he’s lost. He weeps for what might have been if he’d only known.

Now he knows. And that is a part of him for the rest of his (short-lived) life.

S15E19 -

“Where’s Cas?”

They haven’t spoken, Dean and the others. Maybe he couldn’t bring himself to speak without sobbing, so he texted them. They picked a rendezvous. And they drove.

On this drive, Dean’s still processing everything. He’s taking in the horrors of the world around him while still struggling with a very personal loss. He bears the bloody mark on his shoulder of Cas’ hand, carrying him with him.

“Dean?” “He saved me. Billie was coming after us, and Cas summoned the Empty. It took her. And it took him. Cas is gone.”

Dean is very clinical in his explanation. I mean, kudos for Dean knowing well enough not to out someone, but it’s also too damn personal. He’s not going to share the details with the others.

But Jack knew the specifics of the deal. And this is always something that has fascinated me—Jack says nothing. He doesn’t tell Dean that he was aware of the deal, that he knows it involved Cas’ happiness.

I’m sure he wonders. But part of me wonders if he knew. Ya know? Did he know his Dad was in love with his other Dad all along? And that other Dad would’ve realized he was in love with his Dad if he’d considered the option?

Too many Dads in this paragraph. And I say that as someone with three Dads myself!

“Jack, I’m sorry.”

Because Cas was his first Dad. His chosen Dad. But Castiel made that deal to save his son. And he fulfilled that deal by proclaiming his love to his beloved. They’re all family.

“But first, you gotta put things back the way they were. The people. The birds. Cas. {points} You gotta bring him back.”

It’s the only thing he asks for for himself. It’s the only thing that’s personal, that’s specific, that he can’t stop himself from demanding.

And this is wild because he’s offering to let Sam kill him if that means Cas gets to come back.

It ties nicely back to Sam’s theory that Dean’s all for the sacrifice play if he's the one to make it. That Dean doesn’t want to hurt. And, oy, this man is hurting.

“Cas?, Dean, I’m here. I’m hurt. Can you let me in?”

This aches more than it should. Because, Lucifer isn’t a shapeshifter, remember? Chuck was the one to make the call to get them to open the door. Chuck used Castiel’s voice against Dean.

Because there’s nothing more in the world that Dean wants for himself than to talk to Cas.

Yes, Dean wants to save the world. But that’s not for him. That’s because he sees an issue in the world and thinks it’s his responsibility. He wants to give every day people lives without fear. He’ll take on the nightmares and the anguish if it means they get to live.

But if he were selfish, here, besides Sammy, the one person he needs most in this world is Cas—and for a second, he had hope. And he lost that hope just as quickly.

And for the fans, oh, this hurts. Because the last time we hear Castiel’s voice, it isn’t even Cas. It’s a fictitious moment of hope that slices through us all. And, I get it, this show feels like a tragedy most of the time. But it still aches.

“To die at the hands of Sam Winchester… of Dean Winchester, the ultimate killer… It’s kind of glorious.” “Sorry, Chuck.” “What. What?” “See, that’s not who I am. That’s not who we are.”

Ho. Ly. Shit. You’re telling me that in the last ten minutes of the last episode, Dean Winchester is still all “I needed something to kill because that’s all I know how to do” and now he’s all “That’s not who I am”?

Hmmmm. I wonder what might’ve changed his mind. Or, rather, his heart.

This is Castiel’s love at work in him. Yes, Cas isn’t there for this showdown with Chuck, but Dean’s carrying his Angel with him. Because Dean believed Cas when the Angel told him who he was.

Love changes us. It does.

And Dean’s going to be sitting with the knowledge of what was, what wasn’t, and what could’ve been with Castiel for a while. But he’s already allowed that love into him. He accepted it. He internalized it. He let it change him.

It’s a part of him, now. Castiel’s love.

And, in time, I think he’ll look back at the years and their relationship and perhaps forget the labels and the boxes and realize he just loved Cas. He did. He loved him in a way he’d never loved anyone else.

Everyone in Heaven and Hell knew it. Sam knew it. Jack knew it. Honestly, I bet Rowena and Crowley were taking bets on whether Dean would ever figure it out. Sam bet against Dean, naturally, because Dean just couldn’t see it.

But Dean’s eyes have been opened to Castiel’s love, and I think that’s the gateway to him examining his own heart in a way that’s at first uncomfortable, but later freeing.

Love can look different, Dean. It doesn’t have to be one way or one path.

I mean, I was raised in the Purity Movement, for goodness sake. First love, courtship, engagement, marriage, and then you’re a vessel for your husband’s pleasure if you’re a woman. That’s the pathway. That’s all I had in my head for far too long.

Dean’s path-to-love is more “Panties down, Penis up, Fall in Love Later”, but it’s still a path that seems set, to him.

Castiel couldn’t have been further outside his understanding if he’d tried. An antagonist whose white hot loyalty affixed to Dean before morphing into the steady blue fire of enduring love and devotion. It snuck up on Dean.

But he started making exceptions for Cas. He started doing things for Cas he wouldn’t do for anyone else. He started thinking of Cas all the time, even when he wasn’t there. He wanted to drink with Cas and laugh with Cas. He wanted to be with him.

He just didn’t know that was love.

At the end, we see the table… MW is there for Mary, and Jack and Castiel. I don’t know why they chose to put his whole name and not “Cas”, but they did. And they’re all there, together, until they can be reunited in Heaven.

They left their mark on that table—and on each other.

S15E20 -

“I’m thinking about Cas, you know? Jack. If they could be here.” “Yeah. Yeah, no, I think about ‘em, too. You know what, that pain’s not going away. Right? But if we don’t keep living, then all that sacrifice is gonna be for nothing.”

I’m sorry, where is “nobody left behind”? God pulled Lucifer out of the Empty, so why not ask Jack to get Cas? I mean, come on, Dean!

And, yes, I know how it ends. But this really bothered me the first time I watched, when I had no clue how this episode ended.

Yes, Rachel was somehow sheltered enough by the internet she knew about the rusty nail in the barn, but that was about it.

I don’t want to get into the whole death scene, except to say that I’m so glad Dean doesn’t waste his moments with his brother. He asks Sam for a minute to gather his thoughts, and then he tells his baby brother that he’s proud of him. That he looks up to him. They needed this.

Look, I’m a Destiel shipper, but the heart of this show has always been those Winchester boys. And maybe Dean learned not to waste what time he gets to say goodbye from losing Cas, and tough as that is, this is the core of who Dean is and always has been—Sammy’s big brother.

You can’t have Destiel without Dean and Castiel. And you can’t have Dean without all of who he is, and a big part of his identity is wrapped up in Sam. That’s just how it is.

And the fact that with his dying breaths he told Sam, “I love you so much” is important. He needed to say it.

Look, Dean is my second-favorite character of the show, and probably not the first only because we are too alike. I look at Dean and I see a lot of myself. We’re both so fucking broken and have the capacity to bring others so much pain if we choose to.

But at our core we want to do more. We want to do some good in this world before it burns down, and we understand that our lives will sometimes suck a little more and that’s okay because someone out there doesn’t have to feel this pain, doesn’t have to fight this fight.

I mean, I get it. I was my brother’s caretaker, too. I was 3.5 years older, but that gap felt so huge when we were tiny and I just wanted to save him from the world.

I won’t get into my childhood. This is the internet, after all. But I have a lot of generational, co-dependent parental bullshit in there, too. My brother was more like Sammy—it slid off him like water and he made his own way. I was the one to stay close to home in too many ways for far too long. It wasn’t until my 30’s that I learned how to live a better life and break free.

So, while I have my personal opinions on this whole episode—like we all do—I’m glad Dean didn’t waste his final moments with Sammy. I’m glad he told him all he needed to tell him. And I’m glad that when he gets topside, he’s had that moment of growth and development independent of Cas.

He and Cas are a whole separate thing. And that’s okay. That’s good.

“That kid of yours, before he went, wherever, made some changes here.”

“That kid of yours”!? Are you kidding me!? Yes, we all know that Castiel was Jack’s chosen father, which means Dean co-parents by default. But it is fucking adorable that Bobby is fully aware of that fact. Like, yes, Destiel has a kid. Two, actually!

“It ain’t just heaven, Dean. It’s the heaven you deserve. And we’ve been waiting for you.” “So, Jack did all that.” “Well, Cas helped.”

Bobby put that emphasis on “Cas” there because he knew how it would land. Look, Bobby wasn’t around to see everything that would happen between these two, but Heaven’s gotta have gossip and everyone topside knew just what those two meant to one another.

And if Bobby knows about “that kid of yours” he probably knows about a lot more to which he wasn’t privy.

Also, I see you with those raised eyebrows, Bobby. There’s a touch of, “Yeah, I know you’re gonna get Touched by an Angel real soon, son” to it.

Dean breathes out a chuckle as he takes that in, and his breath kills me, here. Jensen Ackles uses breathing as part of his performance.

I don’t know if he realizes he does, but it’s part of what I love and hate about Cas’ exit in S15E18. It feels like they ADR’d some breathing in there that wasn’t a part of the performance.

Because what undoes you right before the fade to black in that scene is Dean’s gasp as he registers what the fuck just happened. That Billie is gone, but so is Cas. Forever.

Tie that gasp of despair to this sigh of relief and it’ll make you feel things, my friends.

There’s so much about this that aches since we don’t get to actually see Castiel in the series finale. I don’t know what the logic around COVID protocols or whatnot were that lead to that decision, but it aches. It feels unfinished. It’s that bugbite we’ll scratch and scratch but never relief its itching.

But I can’t comment on what isn’t or could have been… only what is. And in this version of the story, Castiel has stayed topside since Jack rescued him from the Empty, no doubt exchanging to grant the Empty sleep and rest in exchange for the Angel.

And Castiel has to stay topside because Jack wants to be a hands-off God and not intervene. That means no Angels tangled up in the affairs of humanity, right?

Cas not being there to greet Dean is tough. Next to Sam and Bobby, Cas is his family. And Cas isn’t here. It’s an omission that aches, but it is what it is, for whatever reason.

“It’s a big, new world out there. You’ll see.”

Dean acknowledges Bobby, but then his thoughts go back to Cas—he’s looking at the same spot, which is such a fun little actor thing. Yup. Big new world, indeed.

I mean, look at the way he kind of shakes his head in disbelief. He’s going to see his Angel, again.

“It’s almost perfect.”

He misses Sammy. Of course he does. But I love that the only thing he’s missing is Sammy… because everyone else he loves—Cas included—is here.

Why didn’t Dean run off to see Cas? Well, for one, this isn’t the Destiel show. Yes, I know, I’m no longer allowed in the club. But, that’s okay.

But, the other reason is time. Dean ran out of time to tell Cas how he felt, to even process how he felt in light of what Cas declared. Because while Dean knew Cas had a soft spot for him all this time, Dean can’t see into Cas the way the Angel sees into him. But in a way, that, too, is a gift.

Because while they have all the time in history, now, to say what needs to be said—no words will ever be needed. Because the moment Dean finds his way to Cas up there and their eyes meet, Cas will know everything he needs to know.

When he looks into Dean’s eyes, he’ll see something he never could have dreamt he’d see—love reflected back to him. And everyone else already knows.

Mary clocked it the moment she saw her adult son hugging his “Friend”. Heaven and Hell have known for ages. It was just Dean playing catchup, the way he sometimes did.

In so many ways, he was often the first to deduce something, the first to know. But emotions and feelings have always been more elusive for him, more easily embraced by his brother.

What is love but to see and be seen? Dean simply couldn't see it until it was too late., until Cas was gone.

That's been his pattern—realizing each time how much Cas means to him when he loses him. And each time it's a deeper ache, a more profound pain. Because in the time between leavings they've grown together through adversity, but also levity. They embrace the moments of life together.

Cas drinks with Dean despite his inability to taste like a human (see peanut butter) and how little effect it has on him (see his bender encompassing an entire liquor store).

Because Dean and Cas are so similar, sometimes. They're both so damn self-destructive if it means saving others. (And now I have “We are so similar. We’re both so stubborn” from Pride & Prejudice playing on repeat in my head). Neither realizes what they mean to anyone else until that blink before the end—between eyes opening and closing before the door shatters inward or the world tilts toward destruction.

That's part of why their story is so compelling. In all the universes, it was this Cas and this Dean who saved the world. Literally, Cas' love for Dean saved him not only physically, but emotionally.

The world scratched at Dean all his life, leaving his self esteem and self worth in tatters, medicated by drink and drive to destroy monsters because dwelling amongst humanity was too hard for Dean. Cas' love healed that wound in a way nobody could have suspected, even Chuck.

Because as Dean sat on the floor ignoring his brother's phone call, he buried his head in his hands and he wept. He lost his best friend. He lost someone who loved him completely, without condition, in spite of the bad choices he'd made and all the wrong calls that literally led to Cas's declaration and the wall opening to suck him away.

But if Castiel, Angel of Heaven, could see Dean at his worst over and over, again, and declare with full heart—that's not who you are. This is who you are… maybe, just maybe Dean could believe it, too.

My husband and I have these check-in moments in our life—where we need the other to say the comforting thing to help us believe it. It's not that we're incapable of arriving at that conclusion on our own, but more that we need the affirmation from the one who knows and loves us best. Stripped of his fear, Cas freely gave all of himself to Dean. And it changed Dean forever.

Because Dean has always loved Cas differently.

The formative moments of trust that bubbled between them, where for so long it was clear Cas’ affections for Dean were so much stronger than anything he’d ever felt. “Too much heart has always been Castiel’s problem”, indeed.

Because while he could stuff those emotions down enough to follow the prophetic plan in the past, Dean Winchester proved too potent a tonic for the company koolaid.

In every other version of the story, Castiel does what he was told. But not our Cas. No, he fell in love. He fell in love with a Dean Winchester who carved out his own fate in spite of the story chosen for him.

And that’s what’s so powerful about Dean and Cas’ love story—Chuck didn’t write it. They did.

Amidst all their questions about free will and choice, Dean and Castiel chose one another again, and again, and again. Their love story is their own.

As I reflect on the end of the series and the possibilities of reunion in Heaven, here’s what I know:

Castiel loves Dean Winchester. Not the white-hot devotion of Angelic allegiance, but in a very human manner. He sees and understands Dean’s faults—and he loves him anyway. He will always love him.

Dean Winchester loves Castiel in a way he’s never loved anyone else. He didn’t realize this, of course, until Cas spoke the words that forced him to re-evaluate everything. His love for Castiel doesn’t fit into any box, and it transcends labels. It’s theirs and that’s what matters.

When they do reunite, where they go next is entirely up to them. But I tell you this—one look at Dean, and Castiel will see what Dean realized in his absence—it’ll always be them. They will always be them. And they’ll write the next chapters of their story together.

And, yes, I know there’s a bit of Dean in The Winchesters where our dear Hunter just can’t sit still. Even goes so far as being willing to be cast out of Heaven. Never would expect him to sit still for long, would we?

Honestly, folks who say there’s no reason for a reunion, I think it’s one of those cases where Dean’s so damn stubborn he’d want to come back down

This was—by far—the longest continuous Meta I have ever written. I mean, there was a lot of material. But, also, I have to give credit to the fans who stuck it out despite everyone telling them they were crazy.

And however you see these two—asexual, bisexual, biromantic, demiromantic, pansexual, etc—that’s awesome, too! I think we all see a bit of ourselves in these two because queer love is just awesome—whether or not it has labels.

In the end, Dean and Castiel’s love for one another was a rebellion—rebellion against Chuck, against heteronormativity, against a world that tries to put us in boxes and force us to fulfill roles.

Neither Dean or Cas was ever any good at staying in their lanes, coloring inside the lines, doing as they were told. Instead, they sought what was good and right along a better way. No, they didn’t always get it right—but falling is part of the journey. Falling is part of free will.

Yes, Dean and Castiel loved as a rebellion, not because they chose rebellion, but because they chose each other.

Thanks for reading, loves. No, go out and make the world better just by being your beautiful self.

#Destiel #Misha Collins #Jensen Ackles #Dean Winchester #Castiel #CasDean #DeanCas #Supernatural #SPN #Dean x Castiel #Castiel x Dean #Meta

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