#yes i am fanboying so hard ok? Is it not obvious???

[glendylucast]

Tuckerverse Pt 1

For some reason I forgot to post this here lol. Replaying CODWWII and rewatching Kingdom last year did something to my brain chemistry...

Zussman came in my mind casually said "hey remember my twin from another universe Jay Kulina? Don't you miss him too?"

Next thing I knew I ended up watching a lot of series/movies Tucker was in.

And he give me applause ahahahaha

These two have special place in my heart so naturally they're the cover boy

Yes, them...

Haven't watch Black Donnelly back then Tommy is now also one of my favorite!

-------------------

Probably draw another Tuckerverse in my current style later

[supertransural]

Beyond the Mat, sort of meta?

Ok so for some personal context, I’ve been rewatching all of Supernatural and i have the firm intention to keep the show on repeat on my computer/tv until i’ve fully binged it 15 times (never fear, I am already perfectly aware of how bad a decision this is). I wrote this post with a frantic need to get all the thoughts out, but it happened to be 3am at the time, and I realized I had to make gifs and upload them which was obviously too much work for a sleep deprived brain. I put it off until the next day, but ended up procrastinating and now it's been sitting in my drafts for 3 months and I thought hey this is a good time to finish it up (it could be argued that i'm polishing up this thing at 5am and this doesn't seem to be an issue for my will to get this done this time around, although I am heavily caffeinated so maybe that has something to do with it, go figure).

Anyways that’s besides the point. At the time I had just gotten to 11x15, Beyond the Mat. I’ve seen people write a lot about how parallels between Sam and Dean’s love lives/interests are part of the subtext about Dean’s bisexuality. I’ve also read people's works about how Gunner is pretty obviously one of Dean’s youth celebrity crushes. But (and I might just be a bit blind or haven’t looked hard enough) I haven’t seen a lot about the parallel between Sam/Rio and Dean/Gunner.

So let's get down to business, shall we?

The scene I will be focusing on starts out with Dean utterly star struck, sort of mumbling awkwardly his reasoning for coming up to Gunner (x) (x). Interestingly enough, Sam does the exact same thing with Rio (x) (x), while Dean is in the other corner clasping Gunner's hand for way too long and way too tight, and giving him the “i’ve loved you ever since i met you” look (x) (x).

Now since Sam’s crush is strictly heterosexual and we all know Sam’s interest in women, he outright says it to Rio (this is, after all, the CW) (x) (x). Dean on the other hand doesn’t verbalize it in so many words (the CW), but cmon... That fluster when Gunner winks at him later on?? (x) (let's not forget the little leg pat (x) that is probably still etched in Dean's memory amongst the 20 best things that ever happened to him, behind the previously-mentioned-wink and the Cartwright Twins) Or his reaction to Gunner patting his arm, "ok ok don't panic, it's not like your childhood crush just touched you oh wait". And Literally His Unwavering Smile The Whole Way Through. Jacting choices, people, Jacting choices (x).

Sam saves himself by steering the conversation towards a type of "where are they now?" interview, and Rio follows his not-so-subtle attempt, with a heavily implied tint of nostalgia for the good old days (x). Dean pulls a very similar stunt, mentioning something about his and Gunner's past (x) (x). Rio and Gunner's faces in those clips resemble each other quite a great deal: the emotion is the same, regret.

I really love that parallel because it’s really just “in your face”. You see Dean getting all flustered, at that point you could still say “hey i love [insert celebrity] and i don’t have a crush on them, but i’d probably still react that way around them”. (First of all, if I were you, I'd go on a journey of soul searching because hello, it’s ok to have crushes on celebrities you wish you didn’t, we’ve all been 12 and we’ve all seen Twilight and we’re all ashamed, and second of all, would you really and I mean really react that same way?) But then, enters Sam and his old crush, from the same field, basically the same time period, the same place and roughly the same "community". And it’s an unapologetic crush, not just a “hhhahaha i loved your uh.... your work.... as a uh kid haha.....”. Nonono. He says it, he tells her that he “used” (i’m not sure it’s completely gone, just like Dean) to have a crush on her. And then boom, parallel.

The way the two interact with both “celebrities” isn’t that different, if anything, Sam is less awkward around Rio than Dean is with Gunner. I’m betting the reason why is that since Sam’s crush is a woman, he has 1: talked about it openly before with his family (a poster of your crush on your wall is a good way to do that) and 2: talked to other crushes like her before. Dean, for obvious reasons, has not. Not a man, maybe some girlfriends, but he was never open (specifically not to John) about a potential crush he had on the big wrestler man in the ring, because he’s supposed to be this manly manly ladies man. He’s much more awkward because he hasn’t had much of an opportunity to talk to his crushes that might have been men, so the entire ordeal is wayyy more foreign to him. And he was also just a fan, so the whole “oh my god oh my god” of the crush is added to the already existing “oh my god oh my god” of his inner (and outer let's not kid ourselves) fanboy self.

Dean’s reaction is incidentally very similar to the one he has in the Fat Spa in 9x13, The Purge, with the character called Larry, Maritza’s husband. Dean’s awkward, goes too far, slightly flustered, and he’s pretty clearly not thrown off because of Maritza in that interview room, his gaze is mostly going from Sam to Larry then back to Sam. He lightly brushes over Maritza but barely looks at her (x) (x).

I’d also like to point out that when Gunner enters the stage, there’s a hint at a bi flag created by the light show, blink and you'll miss it (x). But then again that could just be the fact that those lights look pretty together and I'm completely insane. I’m not going to push that one too far, but since Gunner winks at Dean after that, which as I said before, makes Dean look adorably happy and flustered..... Take that as you will.

There's a thousand other scenes relevant to Dean being very blatantly bi-coded in Beyond the Mat (seriously, it's almost as obvious as the siren episode) but I really just wanted to focus on the parallel this time. I might go even more in depth on that episode (or do it bit by bit) if I ever find the will to make more gifs and string intelligible words together to create coherent sentences, and give off the impression of a sane mind. Might even throw in some The Purge meta for fun. Yes my definition of fun is quite warped.

[bbelphie]

astra, i feel like we don’t know you at all!! say, can you tell us who is your most favorite character in obey me, and who is the least? love you ❤️❤️❤️❤️

ok so THIS was difficult snxjms and as you asked afterwards, i also added why i feel this way way about them! love u 💖 sorry this turned out long tho

my list:

BELPHEGOR — i mean, it’s kinda obvious, right? (cough bbelphie is the name of the blog) ever since the start of the game, i wandered about who the fuck that resting bitch face boy was. like, honestly curious. when we met him at the attic, the first thing i thought about belphie was how manipulative he was, and although i’d have hated him, his situation and the game’s universe in general made me reconsider my choice. i found out that he was so much more complex than what i first thought of him. and i LOVE characters like that. belphegor had his reasons, his own past and way of seeing things and i just wanted to know him better, not just because i was curious, but because i’ve grown to like him, in a way. it wasn’t instantaneous, but i kinda saw that coming, you know? i’m not sure if i can explain well how i feel about him (i can’t express my feelings well in any way cof) but belphegor was the character that i was most eager to know about. (ouch i have so many other things to say about him) also he’s a sassy little shit and i love him for that.

MAMMON — the fact mammon was with us since the beginning is a big part of this place (but not the only one). and yeaaah, i know he was a little bitch about looking after mc and i was also blinded by my prejudice against personality based characters like him (narcissist, arrogant, show off) but then we get to know him better. mammon has so much more sides of his personality than that. (besides being a tsun tsun) so by that scene when we were competing against levi and lucifer saved us because mammon couldn’t make it in time, mammon was like “next time I will be the one saving you!!” i was already “YES YOU IDIOT I LOVE YOU TOO” and it was just downhill from there.

SATAN — honestly? he’s my type. the intellectual one, cat lover, fan of mystery and detective books and all that shit made me fall for him, hard. and then i saw his backstory and i fell for him EVEN HARDER. he has sooo much i want to know about! behind the facade he wears constantly in front of everyone there was so much more than the sin he’s avatar of. his arc was one of the lessons i loved the most, without doubt. though i wished the devs had gone deeper into his character, like uhhh i don’t know how to elaborate on this, but i feel we scratched only the surface of who satan really is. (besides that, satan def would be a beast in bed and my hcs about that does’t end)

LEVIATHAN — ahh it was too difficult to choose between him and beel. but i relate to levi quite a lot — animes, self depreciation, manga and all that stuff. he striked me as someone i wouldn’t like so much at the beginning but i’ve grown to love him. that was because of... well, i know envy is the deadly sin he’s avatar of, but man it’s annoying sometimes dnbfxk however! i love him either way. i just think that he should appreciate more things in life instead instead of putting himself down but who i am to talk? i used to be like that and i still am, just not as much. that must be most of the reasons of why i want to be by his side and reassure him that not everything in life is unfair, but can also be a way to make ourselves stronger. taking that emotional shit aside, i love his fanboy side!! i rant a lot about the things i like, especially animes and mangas, and seeing him so enthusiastic about things like that makes me feel like with him, i would act like myself the most.

BEELZEBUB — i love himbo!!! the giant, strong one that looks like he could kill you but is actually a cinnamon roll? yes, sign me the fuck in. he’s the sOFTEST i swear to god almost all the scenes that made my heart explode with love was with him. when he asked to hold your hand while sleeping because he’s afraid of having any more nightmares about lilith and belphie and their fall from the celestial realm made my heart go BOOM. i would do ANYTHING for this boy 😭😭 beel was first i warmed up to in the game! i was gonna put him in the fourth place with levi but it would be too long.

LUCIFER — hhh this guys right here. ngl i was intimidated as fuck at first. but then i saw how he was family driven, always putting their safety and well being first and overall just being a loving brother, tho very discretely. and bruh characters like that are my DEATH??? he is so soft for the ones he loves and would do anything in his power to make them be safe and sound, even if it takes some sacrifices. i was touched by his past, how he had to hide so much from his brothers because he felt he should carry his burden alone. i especially love when lucifer tears off that prideful and powerful facade and shows that he’s capable of loving and being vulnerable and just idk man it just hits home im gonna cry

ASMODEUS — baby boy. lusty boy. ntt solmare did him dirty. he deserves SO MUCH MORE!! asmo has so much potential to be a favorite if only they had developed him better. that arc of his when we make a pact with him was lacking, in my opinion. the devs could have gone deeper into his character, showing that his not just a personification of lust, only its avatar. i’m sure there are different sides to his personality, you know? we’ve been seeing hints throughout the story and devilgrams (most of the time they’re very subtle!!) that asmo needs or/and constantly wants to feel loved, wanted, desired and/or admired. that could be a trauma or something of the sort that was created after his fall from the celestial realm. however this theory of mine is not full developed yet so i can’t really tell you guys about it in more detail. i still love him nevertheless!!

others characters:

SOLOMON — he is shady. and powerful. i love that. besides that, i think i may have a thing for white haired characters. but really, i love this guy, don’t know how but i do. there’s a lot i wanna know about him, and i feel he’s hiding or planning something big. and maybe evil. but ngl his interactions with asmo are the best!!

SIMEON — ara ara baby. i’m 100% in love with him. simeon is someone really good to have as a favorite honestly. even if he doesn’t get much screentime, anyone would realize that ever since the beginning he’s a very truthful person, with calming and chill vibes. i don’t know how to explain it well but with all the shit the brothers make mc go through, it wouldn’t be a surprise if you find yourself overwhelmed, and simeon is exactly the kind of person that makes you feel heard and seen; his atmosphere has this effect of making people feel at ease.... cough cough anyways a little bit nsfw but to me he’s either really kinky (without noticing or even knowing anything about kinks) or super innocent. that’s pretty much why i’ve seen this 50/50 aspect appearing constantly with his stans. p.s: not to be lewd but i wanna hold his hand 😳

LUKE — he’s my baby brother. i adopted him.

DIAVOLO — there’s so much of this guy we haven’t seen yet!! i know he’s like a cool dad and all but bruh, he’s the next demon king!! he must be a excelent strategist and is more powerful and intelligent than he lets on. i saw so many theories about diavolo, but my favorite so far is the one where diavolo kinda caused the celestial war indirectly. he’s another character that i feel we’ve only scratched the surface.

BARBATOS — everything about him screams “SUSPICIOUS”, he just hides it better than solomon. ngl i was rly curious about him and his powers and then i discovered he has control over TIME?? that’s too overpower!! but damn, i do love characters with time control powers...(victor from mlqc im looking at you) sometimes he looks like a dead fish. sometimes he looks hot. i don’t know bruh i’m half scared and half aroused by this guy.

that’s pretty much it i think? lmao there’s so much more i wanna say about them but this is all that comes to my mind right now!

[secretagentspydetectiveninja]

hey so remember like last year when i was re-reading misadventures and fixing typos? (well, i say that, but it was just an excuse to re-read it and write some absolutely absurd commentary on it...) i found old notes in my phone from january with even more so guess i may as well post it because people seemed to find it funny at the time, it’s basically just The Misadventures of Aish Realizing Things though

[yeah so here’s the original notes i’m not even gonna change anything even though lots of Lore has happened in the show and we Know things now, you just get to see what january aish typed]

ok well let’s go then chapters 31-35 oh god

oh yeah the ML Blackout! I remember that

hm it’s occurring to me maaaaaybe I should post a bit of a warning on this chapter. like “yes this starts off stupid and cracky and fluffy but takes a complete 180 in the middle and you will end up sobbing.”

or maybe I should put that as a disclaimer on the whole fic cause it’s one hell of a ride

THE AROACE SCIENCE JOURNAL YESSSSSSS THAT COMES BACK LATER

yeah the reason why the early parts of this chapter are very lighthearted is honestly because the fic was getting a bit too bleak, I needed something cheerful, so paper planes and arm wrestles it was

wait... isn’t this just that scene from Anansi??? where like Nora challenges Nino to an arm wrestle but then he wins because Someone Else Nearby Did A Thing

also this is Peak characterization, damn Aish, you rly outdone yourself, congration

any time I drop the word “inkling” into a fic it is always 100% a splatoon reference

MAX WOW TONE DOWN THE GAY

heh... BI-ceps...

oh my godddd Max trying to play off his ogling as “ah yes I am scientifically studying Kim’s arm muscles ofc, it’s science I swear” is SO frickin funny I’m already losing it

Alix: “scientifically speaking I’m hot therefore you have to lose this arm wrestle” hshdhdghshskkjkdhshs

^literally the kind of nonsense every single teen I know spouts irl

including me when I was a teen, I just said things

(I still just say things)

you can’t bring up the sports bra thing goddammit, I agree it’s cheating because it has the power to one-hit kill anyone in the vicinity

I love how Max thinks his crush on Kim is “under control” while like. visibly swooning over him

OH MY GOD THE PILLOWS SHHDJDHDHDHSKHS

OKAY SO LIKE I was supposed to put the thing about Kim snogging a pillow in chapter 20 but I forgot or something and then I just had to get it in somehow, oh it kills me dead just thinking about it, I’m dying, I’m dead

and the fact that he admits to it as well, holy moly

KIM

K I M

THAT’S GAY

OH WOW

this is the moment when Alix’s Kimax shipper heart was suddenly feeling validated like “omg wait Kim DOES like Max??? like for real??????”

awwwww Kim, Max doesn’t have those kind of superpowers, you just have a crush on him that’s all <3

THE SKATEBOARDING SNEK!!!!!!!!!!!!

“What the heck is that?” “My snake.” DYINGGGG

Kim trying to figure out if the snake is sitting or standing is a whole mood

ohhhhhhhh my gosh poor Alix trying so damn hard to subtly ask Kim if he likes Max and Kim’s just. so DUMB he doesn’t even get it no matter how obvious she is

she’s even trying to pull out those stupid amatonormative “so is he MORE than a friend???” questions just to get this idiot to figure it out because she knows allo-romos are Like That and he still doesn’t get it,,

[future aish says: the word is alloro, past aish. it’s alloro]

AND SO NOW SHE ASSUMES THEY’RE NOT INTO EACH OTHER BECAUSE SHE THINKS EVEN KIM CAN’T BE THAT STUPID

YOU UNDERESTIMATE HIS STUPIDITY

oh no... oh NO.... the letter.... here we go....

btw yes Gabriel had Kim’s grandad assassinated, it was indeed his doing

...isn’t this lowkey the plot of The Lion King?

or Long Live The Queen

hmmm let’s just say in the sequel poor Kim really will have to deal with the stresses of ruling a country >:D

NO MY POOR SON HAVING A BREAKDOWN, I WANT TO HUG HIM

(also can I just say like... this chapter is actually well-written for the most part? I’m actually kinda impressed)

unfortunately I know the feeling of wanting, needing to return home, but it fills you with dread... *hugs Kim forever*

Kim crying all over Max both hurts me and sort of heals me because Max is so sweet and comforting about it ohhh my heeeaaart

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

THIS IS LOWKEY A LOVE CONFESSION I SWEAR, IT’S SO CUTE

chapter 32 being called “Un chat noir” is kinda dumb af but also it just so happened that I accidentally had the chapter called “Coccinelle” be chapter 64, aka exactly double of 32, so that was kinda neat

Plagggggg!!!!!!!!!!

and Wayhem lol, I think I’ve already mentioned how originally this noble was just some random irrelevant unnamed OC until I decided way later it’s gay stalker fanboy

oh yeah that’s how the nobility recognize the royalty, I forgot lol

(also nobles from countries with widespread newspress or tv will recognize them from news reports and stuff I guess)

the fact that Plagg just hates Wayhem is funny to me for some reason

MISADVENTURES

HOLY SHIT I ACTUALLY THREW IN THE ACTUAL WORD

except it was in reference to Adrien... let’s just say that The Misadventures of Imperial Prince Adrien may or may not make an appearance in the sequel >:D

...the Adrienette is literally just in this fic so that people would read it, ngl

hhhhhhhhhhhh okay it’s true Alix is an aro idiot who doesn’t know anything about romance but for once she’s RIGHT, Kim IS in love with Max, but she assumes she’s wrong hshgshdjhdnsnsh

oh my god noooo timeline twin go away and stop giving me nightmares

I still love how they hate each other, that’s some top-notch self-hatred right there and I need to get on their level

[future aish note: no past self!! be nice to yourself!! you are a cool bean!! own it!!]

YOU FOOL... EVERY CLASSMATE WOULD TAKE A SWORD TO THE HAND FOR ALIX, WHY WOULDN’T THEY

ỳïķèš,,,

honestly I probably should stop being lazy and actually go back to like idk chapter 8 and put in an actual monopoly game (it had to have been before the oracle sessions in ch10 at least)

fun fact!! I have indeed very nearly had a fist fight over the last dark blue card in a monopoly game!! also I blatantly cheated, and the main opponent locked someone else (an 8 year old btw) in a cupboard... it was Wild(TM)

me and my irl friend actually came up with the butterfly thing when we were at the cinema once, she made up this random angry gardener OC who stepped on a butterfly after being fired or something lol

I mentioned Rose liking unicorns!!!! before Captain Hardrock!!!!!!!

shdhdhkshs Alix is such a moody emo brat in this fic I adore it

“The only real difference between you and me is one dead butterfly.” goddammit that’s the creepiest fucking thing, I’m genuinely shaking

technically it’s a butterfly’s fault for ALL the timelines which means that we’re all one butterfly away from death at any moment

cheerful stuff

no, no, you’re not trying to block it out on purpose... I’M trying to block it out on purpose bc I’m highkey shamelessly projecting

god I wish my timeline twin would manifest in the astral plane and punch me in the arm too

“Count yourself lucky you’re not a pillow, idiot.” in-context this is contender for Most Cursed Line I Have Ever Written In My Life

and yes Alix was about to straight-up swear

Mylène rollerskating is extremely blessed and good

pfffffffff Max you coward, I stand on swivel chairs all the time

*me, chanting at the spider in my room* KIMAX! KIMAX! KIMAX!

Kim literally making every excuse to not put Max down is amazing honestly

Kim and Max’s origins story is sooooooooooo cute wtf

THIS IS SO BLESSED OH MY HEART

HE’S JUST STANDING THERE CUDDLING HIM I’M

DECEASED

I,,,, swear to god,,,,,,,

so like. I know it’s now canon in the show that Kim really is as oblivious to his feelings as I wrote him in this. but MY GOD. IT’S FRIGGIN PAINFUL

KIM YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH MAX, FULL HOMO, THAT’S WHY YOU’RE FEELING LIKE THIS, IT’S NOT THAT COMPLICATED DAMMIT

oh yeah I wrote the kimax bits rly early and my old url was @queenkubdel haha

aight now a no-kimax chapter, but at least it’s a goodun

there’s that catradora-esque weather girls frenemyship again

Kim having a full-on breakdown when he finds out Alix’s hair isn’t really pink is actually really blessed, no lemme explain

so this universe has magic, right?? so he thinks to himself that the reason his friend has pink hair is because she must be some sort of anime protagonist or Really Important and Cool or something, and it never even occurred to him to doubt her

in other words he’s betrayed because he WANTED HIS FRIEND TO BE A COOL SHONEN HERO

which is both hilarious AND very sweet

...oh wait I’ve scrolled down and it turns out I literally explained all that in the fic itself hhdgjdvzjdjhs

and yeah honestly I can’t blame poor Kim for taking it so badly, he’s still reeling from his grandfather’s assassination so it’s natural his emotions are not exactly Regulated atm

actually when are his emotions ever regulated

1703-1899 hm... might change that since the fic takes place in 1957-1960 so even though it’s a commissioned history of the empire it was before Gabriel was even born so like why would he even care lmao

“Great Western Ocean” so pretentious, just say the Atlantic omg

I’ve been playing way too much civ because the first thing that came to mind was that everyone’s denounced Agreste due to the high warmongering penalties of the industrial/modern eras

Chloé and Kim is one hell of a brotp okay I still firmly believe that

also Chloé still loves her rococo fashion, she’s just toned it down enough that she can fit through doors and it’s not quite as “in your face” towards commoners

listen I know in the show Kim still liked Chloé for a while after Dark Cupid but in this he got over her quicker because his crush on her wasn’t as deep in the first place

Kim literally tells Chloé he gave the brooch to Max and yet STILL doesn’t realize he likes him!!! KIM!!!!!!!!!!

Chlodemption arc yesssssssss

also she’s a lesbeean

(ye Pollen will be in the sequel don’t you worry)

god I’m so proud of her <3

it feels believable too, so I’m proud of myself!! (I’m trying to be nice to myself before next chapter where I will no doubt roast myself so badly I’ll never recover)

outdated laws about marriage... jeez was that cursed foreshadowing or what

YES IT’S IVAN, I LOVE THIS BOY, HE’S SO GRUMPY AND ANGRY ALL THE TIME AND HE HATES KIM

...actually wait this is sibling culture

I literally speak like this to my brother and he’s my best friend so in conclusion Ivan thinks of Kim as an annoying brother

Jalil why are you a historian. just go be a psychologist and stop your sister accidentally hecking up the country

omg the Antarctica thing, I’m just imagining Jalil in the freezing cold with a massive coat on and getting chased by penguins

I love how the timeline twin’s plan was “escape school, force Adrien to get a venomous pet, then abandon him immediately in the middle of nowhere” and later on it turns out she skipped step two and just ditched him lmaoooooo

being so ace that your brain goes straight to “death and murder” before anything else is the biggest mood, I speak from experience

Jalil knows... he had that conversation with Kim in chapter 20... he Knows

“a bit unsupportive” um that is an extreme understatement good grief he was more savage than ME

RISE OF THE KIMAX SHIPPERS

oh don’t worry the venom death still haunts me too

chapter I Hate You... “A rather rotten winter party” well it should have been named A RATHER ROTTEN CHAPTER DO YOU KNOW HOW IMPOSSIBLE THIS ONE WAS TO WRITE OMG I HATE WRITING MYSELF INTO CORNERS

you see I had to have a motive for the timeline twin to explain things properly so that I could put in a really really dumb pun later but that meant I had to unfortunately suffer many allergic reactions again

[future aish note: forgot to mention, i also needed a motive for kim to stop eating chocolate forever, so i had to Curse this chapter as a sacrifice in order to save his life later on]

alright, alright, here we go, I’ll stop procrastinating and just get this over with

oh yeah it’s chapters like these that the fic’s rated T lol

the Adrikim friendship is indeed important... for later... like, plot-relevant levels of important... life-saving levels...

“some event” is the Peace Ball actually and I can’t wait because that chapter’s actually a good one

KIM BRAGGING ABOUT KISSING ADRIEN LAST YEAR IS SO FUCKING FUNNY OH MY GOD I’M LOSING MY MIND???

like last year he was LITERALLY LIKE “oh boo hoo I cannot tell anyone about this because Adrien is Ã Bøyê” and now he’s just like “yeah I kissed a hot boy and what about it???”

to be fair he is on an extreme sugar rush from all the chocolate he ate, which will... be a plot point in just a moment...

PILLOW GIRLFRIEND

I’m the amused nobles, they are me

oh my god Kim we get it you want to kiss someone (Max) and you don’t want to outright say it

holy shit do any of these kids ever think before they speak??? not to sound like the timeline twin or anything but alix... you could have avoided this if you’d bothered to use your one (1) brain cell

[future aish note: bold of me to assume that alix has a brain cell]

Kim wants to now fight his PARALLEL SELF oh my god, get on my level Kim, I want to fight my actual self like right now so there

stfu all of you, this is poisoning my liver

Max is the biggest mood and at least mildly sensible thank god, but he really shouldn’t have left those two alone for even a second

I AGREE PLATONIC LOVE IS UNDERRATED

the chair... the fucking c h a i r... I’m already lying down but I need to lie down harder just to process the absurdity of this

(I think I was gonna have Alix fall off the chair just because that’s hilarious but I forgot)

look I can’t take heartrate seriously but if you ever write it then you are legally required to put in kissing contests or you’re doing it wrong

fudgin Adrienette kiss offscreen and irrelevant

DJWIFI!!! AND ACTUAL PROPER DJWIFI!!!! I was sick of seeing it treated as some kind of pair-the-spares beta couple so I flipped the script and had them literally call out that trope while treating Adrienette as irrelevant instead, which is also why the sequel will be extremely djwifi-centric

“super swanky bae” please stop misusing commoner slang I’m begging you

THERE’S THE PLOT POINT I WAS TALKING ABOUT

Theo was right here, he witnessed with his own eyes how much chocolate Kim ate, so he knows for a fact that if you give Kim chocolate he will scarf it down without a second thought... so hypothetically if one sent him poisoned chocolates... dyou see where I’m going with this...

oh and Theo still has like every job btw

Alya!!!! no!!!!! hire him again!!!!!!!! then he won’t send the chocolates!!!!!!!!!! aaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

there goes me hinting how alyadrininette is the ultimate ot4 again

...do I really wanna scroll down and keep going? no I don’t but I guess I gotta, and relive every one of my most embarrassing school sleepovers in the process

full offence to everyone bothering to read this but kissing sounds gross, actually

(for the record it was probably like... 10 seconds or something idk it was Not Long At All)

“probably not more than 5 minutes” omg I just said it was 10 seconds??? hmmm m okay like 20 seconds maaaybe, Kim just has no sense of time perception

neither do I based on my microwaving skills

SHIT THIS IS LITERALLY A SCHOOL SLEEPOVER

INNOCENT DUMBASS AROACE ASKING “what does that mean? what’s this? what’s that? it’s okay you can tell me :-)”

omg I forgot the snake was there ahshdhdkshfs I’m the snake, probably wants to launch itself out of the window so big mood

most of the fic so far had Alix being really aro so I was like damn... gotta make her really ace too

(if I ever bother writing the Kimdine AU then you actually get an aro character who isn’t ace, because we need more of them, but I won’t say who) (okay fine it’s Luka)

I tend not to be too British in my writing so as not to give the Americans heart attacks whenever they see someone referring to their mother as “mum” etc, but like... sometimes you just gotta throw in the word “snogging”

(I’m typing this out on my phone rn and it has exactly 69% battery, I hate this and also hate that I felt the need to mention that)

THE HOCKEY THING MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN BASED OFF A REAL LIFE THING. *SWEATS NERVOUSLY*

honestly I was soooooo tempted to actually write The Talk bit, it would have been the funniest thing ever, but I was also 99% sure I would have to change the rating to M (despite it not even remotely being smut lol, just a regular biology lesson) and there was no way I was doing that, pretty sure I pushed the T rating at some points as it is

[future aish: god i am still so tempted to write it. man, i’m tempted. it would be the funniest thing. but no... i have sworn not to write anything above a T rating so guess i won’t.]

YEAH THE THROWING UP THING TOO WAS DEFINITELY NOT BASED ON REAL LIFE OR ANYTHING *MORE NERVOUS SWEATING*

(it genuinely wasn’t a flowerpot though. it’s my life’s goal to throw up in a flowerpot and I still haven’t achieved it.)

all of this is an Ace Mood(TM)

also I love how elaborately I’ve worded this, like yeah idiot royal teenagers are too royal and posh to ever bother just saying the word “sex” like a normal person

to any 17 year old aces: you aren’t too young to know, I told myself that aggressively when I was 17 but now I’m 22 and I’m still just as ace as I always was sooooo yeah

I also hope I can wake up tomorrow and forget I read this trash

well tbh... it’s not total trash... it highkey reminds me of my school days, like, maybe that was subconscious or something... god who even knows

jeez if timeline twin slapped me in the face I’d just keel over and die from sheer terror, other than that that’s HILARIOUS

timeline twin: “YOU HAVE ONE (1) BRAIN CELL NOW P L E A S E CONSIDER USING IT”

fuckeninf hell listen,,, so when I was writing this chapter I didn’t know I was aro... I mean, I was kinda questioning it?? but all I knew was I was ace, and that me not knowing that as a teenager almost totally screwed me over because like

to be normal or to feel normal there’s things you do or say that you don’t want, and things you know would happen or whether you want something or not you’ll take it because you think you’re expected to, because otherwise you’ll have to confront yourself with the fact that something is wrong with you and you don’t know what or why or how to fix it

and being aro on top of that is misunderstanding how to navigate close friendships because of this fundamental fear that if you want to be close with someone then friendship can’t suffice, that how much you care about them doesn’t matter

and things I did or almost did, or had the chance to do and only stopped because (awfully enough) crippling anxiety which ironically saved me (let’s just say the dude turned out to be a creep)... yeah basically this is all a callback to that aroace teenager feel where you can’t help not being true to yourself because you don’t want to, because you don’t know what’s wrong or right, only what’s “normal” and the ache of knowing that you’re not, no matter how much you try

and I didn’t know I was aro while writing this but in hindsight it’s easy to see how that played into it too, and writing this definitely played a part in me realizing I’m aro and was somehow trying to work through some very pent-up feelings about friendship and closeness with people, as well as pent-up feelings about being ace and how that tied into everything too

...in short, do not phuck the pharaoh or you will get HOUSE ARRESTED and DIE

(jk jk she’ll just be awkward around you forever lol, and then SHE’LL get house arrested and die, because you’re not commoners so your actions actually have consequences you dumb idiots)

this entire thing is just a whole mood and lowkey my teenage years holy fuck holy fuck I hate that I’m only just realizing how bloody hard I was projecting

I literally read a post the other day about how unrequited love is only ever usually explored from the perspective of the person who’s in love, whereas aros are usually on the receiving end of it and it’s a tragedy in its own right that you might do things that wind up driving you apart because you can’t bring yourself to love them back but you can’t tell them because of the fear that it’ll push them away... and I gotta say, I totally nailed it 💪

...you know what I’ve changed my mind, chapter 34 is good actually, and now I need to make a time machine and go and hug my 17 year old self for living this, and then hug my 20 year old self for writing this, I’m sorry I was mean to this chapter it’s very relatable and I shouldn’t keep beating myself up over it

thinking makes me miserable too!! that’s why it’s optimistic nihilism only lads

impulse control, hmmm... someone who’s good for him, hmmmmmm... it’s almost like someone like that is right there and exists and is already in love with him 😏

so apparently timeline twin’s idea of “fixing her life” is burning all her bridges and then hecking off to the Kazakh wilderness for over a year

did Alix just... ask the snake if it’s aroace too???

I mean it definitely is, but...

UGH SNAKES DON’T BLINK, I’M STILL SO ANGRY ABOUT THIS

chapter 35, thank god, the title “Finally!” is very apt

(because I can finally change the music from Death Valley to something else lol)

oh poor Max, his heart goes on a real rollercoaster these few chapters doesn’t it? it’s okay buddy, in like 10 chapters you’ll get your man...

NO BUT SHE H A S FIGURED IT OUT!!! SORT OF!!!

I just misread “despite” as “despacito”, I’m going to bed and continuing this tomorrow dammit

alright I am now funky refreshed and ready to roll, let’s get this kimax party started

Max is angsting internally like “no one’s realized I like Kim :( well except Juleka but she’s a lesbian so she doesn’t count” ashgdjsghskk that mlm/wlw solidarity is holding out I see

YES ALIX YOU DO NEED TO TALK TO NATH MORE, THAT’S YOUR FREAKING BEST BUD IN THE SHOW MAY I REMIND YOU

this is all so Irony it’s murdering me dead

okay yeah I’m gonna be really honest and salty here for a second, this bit where Max is annoyed that Alix takes Nath more seriously as a contender than him was me being a bit salty over the fact that like... kimnath/tomato ketchup is a great rarepair but got so weirdly popular amongst people who didn’t seem to care about Max as a character at all despite how close he is with Kim in canon, and as a Max Stan it made me sad because he’s already not very appreciated in fandom

[future aish note: HE IS NOW BABEY!]

THERE IT IS

I WANT TO HUG MAX TOO, BLESS HIM

I also want to hug Alix because godddds I’ve been in that situation where if you were allowed to just TELL the idiots that they like each other then all their problems would be solved but noooo, you’re sworn to secrecy... *sigh*

“I’ll make sure that doesn’t change, ever...” me: *thinks about the sequel and cackles evilly while cracking my knuckles* well,,

A R O M A N T I C

listen it was VERY IMPORTANT to me that I actually put in all these actual words in the fic and made them relevant, like gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc (I think the only one I didn’t was trans, oops?? gotta remember that for the sequel, at least Nino IS trans in this even though I never said the word)

[future aish note: i feel like i didn’t say pan either, or nonbinary... more stuff for the sequel folks! i can’t put in everything but i may as well try!]

bc you see all these tv shows where a character is bi but they say they “don’t like labels” or a character with no love interest get suddenly paired up with someone random at the end... like NO I wanted to do the OPPOSITE of that bc people’s identities are IMPORTANT so I wanted to MAKE IT RELEVANT 💪

and even though I didn’t yet know here that I was aro and highkey projecting, there’s already a fair few fics dealing with asexuality but not aromanticism?? so I rly wanted to make the aro side of things important

almost relieved??? Max, you buffoon, she IS relieved, extremely

Malix friendship is good and severely underrated and I still haven’t forgiven myself for not putting more of it in this

“He was never eating chocolate again” HO-HO-HOLY SHIT THAT’S SOME FORESHADOWING RIGHT THERE

Rose is a distinguished bi who doesn’t realize Kim is a disaster bi

Kim oh my god you can’t just out Adrien “just about functional bi” Agreste like that

I love that Rose calls Kim a casanova even though he’s very much not... how many people are even into him over the course of the fic? Max, Adrien, it’s implied Marinette used to be, Lila is ambiguous, same with the lacrosse guy later, oh yeah Ondine highkey lmao along with 90% of the teenage population of Saharan Africa, Kim himself in about 2 chapters time...

Rose giving Kim the gay talk is so blessed omg I need more interaction between these two

“If you swung one way you were gay, if you swung the other way you were straight, more than one way made you bisexual, if you didn’t swing any way at all then you were probably just Alix...” I will literally NEVER be able to outdo this line, this is Peak

hmm I don’t think at any point in the fic Max says to Kim that he’s exclusively into boys... I guess he said it offscreen then lol, point is He’s Gay

OMG KIM, YOU FINALLY REALIZED WHAT THE NOSEBLEED SCENE MEANT, GOD BLESS YOU

this is like in Syren when he realizes the mermaid is Ondine and that she was trying to tell him she likes him... except this is the gay version of that

yeah Rose I really do need to get more sleep, that one was directed at me and I know it was

Kim being all like “fellas is it gay if you take off your shirt and a guy swoons at you 🤔🤔🤔”

no, no... Max is definitely a complete trainwreck at romance, just slightly less than you

god freaking dammit not the sports bra again,,, I s2g later in the fic all Ondine would have had to do is to show up in a sports bra and Kim would immediately go full ot3 mode no questions asked,,,,,,,, (I mean he does see her in a swimsuit but that’s not the same??? sports bras are in a different league okay shush)

psssssst!!! you should read heartbroken!!!! it’s a kimax fic and it’s so good!!!!! this was a lowkey shoutout!!!!!!!!

genuinely tho, even if Kim hadn’t liked Max too here, he’s being so sweet about it?? he’s worried about his poor friend’s emotional state and wishes he could have done better to help!! gahhhh their friendship/relationship is just So Blessèd

hsndhkdhdkshdh I only noticed it after finishing the fic and occasionally skimming back through, but so much of the time whenever Alix shows up Kim’s all like *ungrateful* “oh not you again” like WOW that’s one way to greet your friend?? mood tho

[future aish note: i did the exact opposite in No Romo, funnily enough! kim’s not in it much but whenever he sees alix he’s like “friend!!! friend!!!!!” and she’s just like -_- “oh it’s that guy again”]

he’s not even paying attention to her omg she’s trying to save the timeline here you idiot

POOR ALIX how frustrating,,, and also I’ve literally been there,,, the woes of being a wing-girl indeed

and now Kim wants to fight himself, why am I not surprised

aND YES HERE’S WHERE IT HITS HIM, THE EXACT FUCKING MOMENT

WHERE HE’S SUDDENLY LIKE “OH WAIT MAX’S LOVE FOR ME ISN’T UNREQUITED??? I LIKE HIM TOO HOLY SHIT????”

aaaaaaand he immediately asks the aro for love advice, why is he like this omg

gosh this is sooooo sweeeeeet

I did not let up, did I? just went ahead and made this as cheesy and cutesy and over the top as I could because It’s What Kimax Deserves

(there wasn’t rly much Kimax content yet in the fandom at this point so I had total free reign and went all-out with it)

sfjsgskdhs and there goes Alix getting her wing-efforts sidelined again

“I’m never asking out someone on a whim again. Or, uh, confessing that I like someone on a whim either.” so uh... you know how I said I’m considering making the sequel Kimaxdine? well if I do then uh. hm. this might change. because reasons.

I don’t know why I made nothing Alix ever says make sense but I’m glad I did because she’s so freaking funny

I swear I talk about Max’s eyes being “magnified in his glasses” multiple times in this fic, either that or I’m having serious deja vu

Kim’s so cute dammit!!! now that he knows he likes Max he’s just swooning over every little thing and it’s!!!! adorable!!!!!

(I wonder if this is how it was with Kimdine in the show? it does seem like Kim already liked her but just hadn’t noticed...)

huehuehuehue Kim later on you do indeed recklessly propose to Max on the spot... in like 18 chapters or so

also the fact that Kim thinks things through better when he’s around Max is just the total sweetest and also what Alix was basically trying to aim for

I love Kim showing off that he can pack all his stuff in half an hour like buddy, the porters can literally help you with that, you’re royalty remember

omg I’d forgotten I left a note here later for binge-readers!! being all like “drink water and eat food and go to sleep uwu”

lmao guess I’ll take my own advice then and leave it there for now

[future aish note: same, goodnight]

[rosedalemike]

The Mood: Blog #5 "Perception/Loneliness”

written Sunday April 8th at 5:36 am     Ever wonder what others think about you? Not that you should care what others think about you, but do you ever sometimes just wonder if maybe you were a dick/bitch to that someone when you didn't mean to be- and then on the other hand- way too nice/generous to someone who probably just talks shit about you? It happens to me a lot. It's probably one of the biggest reasons I'm traveling around by myself.

     Not that anything specifically like that came up this week. I've just been thinking about it more as I've finally been poking my head out of my basement to get back out to play shows. Just kinda like 'what does this person actually think of me? Did they actually just enjoy this show? Would they actually listen to my music regularly?' Not that they need to respect me or anything for me to like them. And, needless to say, I'm extremely grateful they came out to support anyway. It just sometimes makes me ponder things like: who is my actual demographic? What makes our distracted generation listen to an artist regularly? How/why can I make a stranger who has no idea what I do be completely invested in my art yet people who have seen me grow this garden for years suddenly have zero interest in Rosedale?

      Maybe some of those answers are relatable to reasons why I enjoy being alone. I know that probably sounds really sad to most people but hear me out...     

     Intro to sidetrack: I got into this topic with a long time fan at tonight's show. She was thanking me for being so nice and always inviting her out to shows. I had to tell her 'if only you knew how many people block me for that same gesture' (see blog #4). She was genuinely pumping my tires pretty good. Don't get it twisted- her boyfriend was right there the whole time and he was also cool A-F, as the kids say...

      She went on to say how she used to hang out with Hedley years ago whenever they were in town and they were rude dicks. She couldn't fathom their conversations. As easy as it might have been for me to jump on the freshly-greased "Hate-Hedley" bandwagon (kinda punny if you watch Trailer Park Boys) It got me thinking that maybe, as humans, when we're in our packs we often come across as unwelcoming. Especially bands! The inside jokes, the anything-goes-ness, the gear-geak battles/bro-downs. Looking back, I'm sure Rosedale sure fit that shoe for years! And I'd imagine macho sports teams come off as even more unwelcoming to strangers. (there I go- generalizing again...)

     But it's all perception- How do we perceive their inside jokes and harmless offside humour? Maybe Hedley were total dicks a few years ago, maybe they're not anymore. All I know is nothing really surprises me and I think even some of my favourite people get offended out of perceived context- not easily, per say- just out of common, outside perception. I'm sure I could go even more south and throw in some President Trump examples here but that dude gets enough external spotlight. And to clarify (before I get me a page-full of political/social facts that I have 0 any interest in); I'm neither a Trump or a Hedley fan...or Nickleback, for that matter...but I'm also not a total hater. I'm just saying they're prime examples of how perception and context have some serious horsepower especially in our ever changing world of social media/open-broadcasting.     

     Here's a wider, more harmless example of the two sides of perception that's a little closer to home; my set at Hard Luck in Toronto last Saturday. There was a high energy and big crowd in the room right as I was setting up. I played an ok set, nothing remarkable in my mind. But a very rare thing was happening; Humans were turning into Rosedaliens right before my eyes! They were feeding off of my music in ways only artists on the radio can relate to! They were eating up the positive message and yelling positive messages right back! The vibe was bliss! Nobody cared what anyone in the room might think of them. The phones were only out for "Eldorado's Climax" or to record/snapchat/livestream! After the set people were buying all the merch! I must have taken 15 photos with fans and strangers! Signed a few posters and CDs! Young, hip humans were telling me their stories! My tires were pumped way past any psi they've ever seen! Etcetera!!!

     Then I played London Ontario at the legendary Call the Office on the same night of the week, same time... (The only difference with this given Saturday was that there was no Easter/Passover excuses in my inbox.) But there were a total of maybe 15 people there. They were standing 30 feet away of the stage. I played/sang/delivered by far the best Rosedale set so far this tour with a proud smile on my face and, although the other bands and their friends kinda danced and inched closer towards the stage, not a single CD or shirt left the merch bins. Nobody asked to take their photo with me. Come to think of it, I was even getting the whole "This-dude-needs-a-band" vibe.

      So why did the mediocre Toronto performance get a way better response than the solid London set? Or even the relatively strong Brampton set that we filmed. It seems like it had nothing at all to do with me. It was entirely based on the crowd's perception! My good friend, Jonny (who is pretty knowledgeable with live music/performance/production), came out to both the Toronto show and the Brampton show. Even his perception was completely altered by these energized, Toronto meat baffles! Jonny thought the Toronto set was better. “You’re ready! Epic, prolific,” were his and his Toronto company’s words. He wished I'd filmed the Toronto show instead of Brampton. Kind of off topic (but, really, why I used the term "meat baffles"); Jonny also said the sound was bad in Brampton (and so did his Brampton company) and much better in Toronto. Where-as Bryan and Danny...and my mom... said that Brampton was the better sounding Rosedale show (and they were all also at the Toronto show!)

      So just because I had a generous, high energy crowd in front of the stage in Toronto, I was worth something to everyone in the room. I even sounded better, in Jonny’s opinion. People wanted pictures, autographs, and merch because their perception of Rosedale was a promising one. Yet, I could play the same exact set on the same night, same time, in a more intimate setting with a more solid performance and have my picture, signature, and merch less desired than just a couple more drinks. The other two bands played amazing sets as well. I was actually, genuinely blown away, like, fanboying on Adelaide’s guitarist, getting chills from Mermaids Exist’s harmonies etc. But they too set up their merch table for nothing. It is a very common display of how people's perception is strongly influenced by the context of their surroundings.

      The only person, arguably, in the room who felt...in the presence of greats- was myself! I know I played a legendary set and I'm 100% certain that if Adelaide and Mermaids Exist keep slugging away like that- they're gonna come built-in to everyone's iPhone 12s!

     This “perception-check” is nothing new to booking agents. They no longer accept buy-ons. (Of course I've tried!) Money can't buy you happiness, or a loyal following. Agents, labels, and managers want their bands playing to full rooms only. Intimate shows (as in half empty capacity shows...yes, I took the pessimist approach) are only creating negative perceptions. If, by some stroke of Modesty-Miracles, some of these rock star agents did stumble into reading this, they were thinking "No shit, Shirlock. Stop playing small shows" 5 paragraphs ago. I'm just letting everyone else know; the artist is about 10% responsible for impressing/entertaining the audience. The other 90% is the context of that room and a good chunk of that context is just simply the amount of people there. (other smaller pieces of the pie; venue decor/layout, sound engineering, staff, house music ...to name a few.) Maybe all of this is very obvious to most people already. I just wish solving all the pieces of that pie were easy or at least in my hands. But the modern ratio still just seems crazy to me, growing up in the punk/emo scene.    

      I think maybe another reason it seems crazy to me ties back to the fact that I'm alone a lot. When I'm alone I have more of an open mind and agenda. I think this could be the case for most people. There was one guy at the near-empty London show who was jumping up and down during my set. He was alone and so stoked. He didn't care what anyone thought- a proud new fan! I threw a pick perfectly into his hands at the end of my near-perfect set (#pingofftheforehead, Toronto show inside joke). He's been messaging my instagram all day. He didn't buy merch (he might have if there was a big generous crowd there, though) but he signed up and watched all of my youtube videos today.

      I think most people actually have a better time traveling/exploring/wondering out by themselves than they realize. I believe you're more accepting of different environments and cultural differences when you're by yourself. You're taking it all in and enjoying it. You're making new friends out of strangers who have no knowledge of your history as you have no knowledge of theirs. You feel like you can open new chapters of your own book and appreciate the fresh pages they're showing you, and consider the context. You might be thinking "so-&-so would love this" but chances are, if "so-&-so" were there, you'd likely be missing this too while off hanging at the bar or whatever.

      When you have your crew/family/entourage beside you for every door you open, life can start to pass you by. You might be having a great time with them and jel with them like peas and carrots, but the element of wonder and discovery isn't quite the same. It's sometimes like an invisible stress and I'd even go as far as to say that it is the main reason why bands break up on their first tour. Bands aside though, I've heard first-hand stories of good friends traveling together that went through episodes where they were so pissed off with each other that they wouldn't even talk to one another for hours. Sure, it could be the simple fact that you're now living with this friend/band hour-by-hour on this trip (Egos clash, ideas vary, mistakes affect everyone, true colours flourish etc.) and you're stuck with them for the next however-many-days. But I'm certain that a group-of-friends/family/band living together in their hometown would go over way better than living together in a new city every night. And traveling with a significant other- well that's an entirely different blog for a different day.

      I'm not sure if any of this is proven or factual. This is just me rambling at 5:30 am after a show. Another thing I hear a lot is "Mike, you just haven't found the right “one”/bandmates/friends". Fair enough. But maybe I'm just your classic degenerate- I could just be a weird lonely dinosaur that likes to roam alone. #lonewolf. But I think all of that coincides with the original point I made about being a dick to someone you actually really like/love. We've all done it, I'm sure. The nicest human in the world can be passive/harsh without realizing it. But as much as I think butting heads is inevitable when you're living together in uncharted land, there are friends that manage to really understand me and at least aim to dodge my weird pet-peeves (ie. guitar cases on stage). Of course, they can't drop their established lives/commitments to come travel around with me for months. So maybe there are layers to my solo-ness. (...loneliness sounded too sad.) 

LYRIC PARTY: 

Chasing the sun isn't my kind of fun I'd rather sit and catch snowflakes on my tongue When summers gone I won't be sad As you cling on to all the good times that you've had 'cause being alone isn't really all that bad - The Ataris "If You Really Want To Hear About It"

     But really, even when there's no stranger's pages or culture shock to take in, I have some great times by myself that I wouldn't be able to have with most company around. I wouldn't be able to write this blog in my bed at 5:30am. I wouldn't be able to listen to my new demos and imagine them mixed like my latest releases with my Westones on my 2 hour drive home from London. That, in itself, could easily be considered insanely narcissistic. And so could this; I love hanging out with myself! We get along very well. My tastebuds can be pretty inconsiderate to my gut's needs, and my lower brain is not too happy with the way upper brain has been handling brief encounters with the opposite sex, but alas, we're working on it!

      Another thing I like about being alone is that I'm pretty sure people like me more. Whenever I have friends around, it's almost like nobody wants to help with anything. And when I'm "working" away on something, a stranger might say something like "where's your friends? Why don't they help you with that?" As if to say "you need better friends, dude." It's really odd but it happens a lot and those little events tend to commit-to-memory for whatever reason. Kinda like that long-red-light that never fails to time out your drive perfectly. (One of the few books I've actually finished reading, "Stumbling On Happiness" (Daniel Gilbert), describes this human condition a bunch... took me three years to finish that damn book.) 

LYRIC PARTY: "Hangman, it's not your fault Commit this to memory The bright ideas are wasted and lost along the way" - Motion City Soundtrack "Hangman" (I could've sworn {or swore??} he said "For bright ideas always get lost along the way" then I looked it up... didn't look up sworn/swore though.)      Anyway, I guess this late night, scatter brained blog wants you to consider the context and surroundings when formulating an opinion/perception. And look at loneliness in a bright light. There are many positives. Don't ignore all your friends and family by any means, I'm just saying; A lot of people fear loneliness like they're gonna die alone and they need company at all times. "Alone time" is your most productive time. And productivity, as vague a term, is probably the healthiest form of instant gratification. So do something productive towards your goals the next time you're alone. And while you're at it, open up a new chapter to that old friend you later get to hang out with...

     Yeah, this one was all over the place. Thanks for reading though. If you made it this far, you're a trooper and I love you. 

Shows this week: Wednesday, April 11th - Ottawa, ON @ Mavericks -  10:00 set time, 19+, $8 cover https://www.facebook.com/events/321180534953651/ Thursday, April 12th - Kingston, ON @ Bar 56 - 9:30ish set time, 19+ish, $10 cover https://www.facebook.com/events/368799986934799/     Friday, April 13th - Potsdam, NY @ Hurly's/SUNY Potsdam -  7:30 doors/ 9ish set time - All Ages , FREE https://www.facebook.com/events/363889120774025/ Saturday, April 14th - Rochester, NY @ Firehouse - 8:00 doors/10ish set time - 21 +, $5 cover https://www.facebook.com/events/568521663507443 Sunday, April 15th - Pittsburgh, PA @ The Smiling Moose - 7:00 doors/ 9:00 set time, 21+, $8 tickets**/ $10 doors https://www.facebook.com/events/402443740204364/ Monday, April 16th - Cleveland, OH @ Grog Shop - 6:30 doors, 8:30 set time, ALL AGES, $8 tickets/$10 doors https://www.facebook.com/events/163297504327206/

[thenerdparty]

Star Wars: The Last Jedi Review by Tristan Riddell

This review may contain spoilers.

The first time I saw this film was in the theater on opening night. I wasn't sure how the experience was going to go, just like everyone else. When Force Awakens came out, no matter how you felt afterward, the nostalgia factor hit everyone hard. But when Last Jedi came out we were living in a post Force Awakens, post Rogue One world. Even Solo was in the middle of production. So the feeling was more of a meh, we'll see what happens.

There was a surprising amount of kids in the theater for a PG-13 film, but hey, it's Star Wars. I was initially hesitant at that because I loathe any kind of noise or distraction in the theater. But this turned out to be a plus because the kids loved the film and were very audible in their reactions. It only amped up my own excitement and interaction with the film. Sure I still was witness to its issues but it helped me see it through the eyes and wonder of a child. Which is why we all love Star Wars in the first place, that nostalgic trip in the way back machine.

However, when I watched it for the second time at my home on 4k release, I had no children surrounding me telling me to laugh at the porgs or ignore the pointless casino storyline. Most of the time when a beloved franchise of mine (or beloved director) makes a mediocre film, I appreciate it more the second time around. My expectations are tempered and my investment is nowhere near as fragile so I can just sit back and enjoy the characters (see Star Trek Into Darkness). I was very much hoping for this effect when sitting down to watch Episode VIII. Sadly, my second viewing did not create a more enjoyable experience and perhaps it even got a little worse.

A couple of days ago, further details were released for George Lucas' version of the sequel trilogy. Specifics of which are not important but what is important is that it was made official (even though it was blaringly obvious to viewers) that there is/was no plan for the sequel trilogy. Kathleen Kennedy has allowed/is allowing directors to just make it up as they go. This key factor could be the biggest reason why Last Jedi is not connecting with a large portion of audiences. Episode VIII doesn't feel like a sequel to Episode VII even though it takes places hours afterward. Heck, in the end, it doesn't even feel like we need Episode IX. I am not a Lucas fanboy and in fact, wish he removed himself from the director's chair much earlier. But you have to give the man credit that he had a plan, a vision, and unparalleled ambition that gave a cohesive story over several films and even TV. This is not that. This is now a Marvel model.

That isn't necessarily a knock or a bad thing. Overproducing Star Wars films with a Marvel feel and release schedule allows mediocre films or at least makes them less devastating. When Attack of the Clones came out, it was heartbreaking because at the time it was 1/6th of what we thought we were only going to get. Now, another film is always just around the corner.

We used to live in a world where the Episodes were the end all be all and people could do what they wanted with the standalones. Now it's made clear that the same amount of thought goes into the Episodes as the standalones. After Last Jedi, it's clear that this is more analogous to Age of Ultron than anything else. It's a big meet up, it has the characters you know and love, but it's just not as fantastic as Avengers or Civil War. Sometimes you get Ant-Man or Ultron. That's ok.

This safeguards our hearts but you can't have that without lowering your expectations. Give and take.

As for the film itself, it either explores characters more thoroughly (Kylo and Rey) does a huge disservice to them (Poe and Finn), or introduces pointless characters whose jobs could have been accomplished by pre-existing characters (Holdo and Rose).

I'm not going to talk about Luke. Luke Skywalker is an inkblot. However you feel about it means you're right.

This was a film of missed opportunity, especially when you consider the fact that the writer is also the director. A destroyed Republic was an unfortunate inherited problem for Johnson, but instead of course correcting or even finding some semblance of victory, he steered into the skid and doubled down by all but obliterating the Resistance. Now I'm not saying that this film needed to be the one in my head. That takes you down a dark path of Fanboyism that you can't come back from. The issue is that from a story perspective, Episodes do not exist in a vacuum. II is just as important as V and IV is just as important as VII. So they must be seen as a whole and obliterating all the hard work after Return of the Jedi somehow invalidates the victory within it.

That is from a macroscopic perspective, from a microscopic one, the flow is difficult. I can go along with new Force powers, changing space travel rules, and a ticking clock that slows down or speeds up depending on the action. It's a movie. We should all be forgiving on these kinds of things. But what I can't go along with is making characters mutineers who caused the death of hundreds of their compatriots, achieved no actual goal they set out to achieve, and then have the director expect us to herald them as heroes and the future of the Resistance. A leap of faith that is just too wide for me.

Kylo and Rey and their relationship/connection was the highlight of this film. Expertly directed, edited, and acted. This is the very reason why I gave the film three stars instead of less. It also gave us one of the coolest lightsaber fights in the entire franchise which is really saying something. But one pairing and one lightsaber scene can't carry a movie on its own.

Bloated and under-edited, Last Jedi distracts us with casinos, code breakers, mutiny, and not so witty banter when we really just want to see more of the Force users. Leia, Luke, Rey, Kylo, and yes, even Snoke.

Listen to my wife and I's podcast on Last Jedi at The Nerd Party. bit.ly/NerdNuptial83

[cadpadawan]

31-Day Music Challenge

The social media is now flooded with all kinds of funny challenges, as people are stuck at home with nothing much to do. I guess online gaming, or getting shitfaced, becomes increasingly boring, when all kinds of tiresome responsibilites, like work, do not present any restrictions and limitations anymore. In a way, Facebook has started to resonate the air of those naive first few years, when your newsfeed was basically just one continuous stream of challenge that and challenge this.

Well, why the hell not?

What else is there to do, in order to pass the time with your mental health intact?

So, here I am...just another bored individual to join this endless crusade to make life worth living again, to make my personal life great again. Thus, I jumped on the wagon, and took on this fancy 31-day music challenge, that has been circulating in Facebook (for years, I think).

Although, I didn't find it challenging enough to just type the daily keyword in the Spotify search box and post the result in my Facebook wall. Because: more is more.

(Go ask Yngwie Malmsteen, if you don't believe me...)

The challenge for day #1 was to pick a song with a colour in the title.

I could immediately come up with a bunch of songs, only to realize that the vast majority of the song titles were themed around two basic colours: black and blue. I guess songwriters are a lazy bunch, when it comes to colours. It's pretty obvious, why lyricist everywhere find these two colours exceptionally appealing and resort to the abundant use of them, neglecting all the wonderful possibilites posed by the other colours of the spectrum. Of course black and blue, in terms of emotion and imagination, are much stronger than, say, yellow and orange. So, instead of just settling with the first few titles that came to mind, I wondered if I could come up with one song for each colour I can think of. I mean: a song that bears some personal meaning to me. In practice, this challenge basically meant that I would have to think hard while rummaging through the main three Spotify playlists that I have compiled with something like +16k or +17k songtitles, with the addition of my personal collection of some +2600 cd's – at least the rarities section for songs that are not available in Spotify.

Let's see if I have the stamina to go through my cd-racks, though. I had the forethought to organize my cd's in alphabetical order, by the name of the artist, years ago. For some weird reason, my beloved spouse has not yet agreed to the idea of re-furnishing our apartment with the central theme being those precious compact discs. That's why the cd-racks are placed in somewhat random and impractical fashion: most of them are located in the living room, with a few sections located in our bedroom. I guess, it's a good thing I had disposed of my vintage Rhodes-electric piano by the time when we started dating 20 years ago. I'm pretty sure she would have opposed strongly to the idea of having the instrument as a kitchen table, with the giant lid down. My Rhodes-piano was the so-called suitcase model, with a keyboard of 73 keys. When I moved out from my parents' house in the mid-90's, I decorated my one-room-apartment in the ethos of Japanese minimalism, due to the fact that I spent most of my income on records and alcohol. That Rhodes-piano served as a kitchen table, when I wasn't actually playing with it. Because: why the hell not?

Ok, then. The first colour...it shall be black.

Oh, boy! What a multitude of choices it presents! Should I pick an iconic 90's grunge anthem, like Soundgarden's Black Hole Sun? After all, I saw the band on stage in Helsinki cirka 1995. (I say ”cirka” because I'm not 100% sure about the year, and I'm too lazy to look it up in Google) The fond memories of those grungey early years in the 90's instantly remind me of a couple of equally important bands: Pearl Jam and Alice in Chains. Although, I've never seen either of them live. Pearl Jam had a song titled Black on their breakthrough debut album Ten. Alice in Chains had a killer track titled Black Gives Way to Blue. That epochal Pearl Jam album played non-stop in my car stereos at the time of its' release. I had it copied on a C-cassette. Remember that vintage format, anyone? (Yes, I'm THAT old...) With this particular AIC song I fell in love much later, as it was the title track on the band's comeback album, released in 2009 with the new singer William DuWall. First, I kinda hesitated to give this new AIC line-up any chances, but it turned out to be pretty damn good. Obviously, nothing can top the impact, that the Laney Staley-fronted AIC made with their Dirt-album in 1992. At the time of its' release, that album was a full-blown mindfuck! In retrospect, the year 1992 seems to have been pretty kick-ass, in terms of album releases:

Alice in Chains: Dirt

Rage Against The Machine: Rage Against The Machine

R.E.M.: Automatic for the People

Pantera: Vulgar Display of Power

Tori Amos: Little Earthquakes

Faith No More: Angel Dust

Dream Theater: Images and Words

Aphex Twin: Selected Ambient Works 85-92

Prince & The New Power Generation: (Love Symbol Album)

Stereo MC's: Connected

Tom Waits: Bone Machine

Sade: Love Deluxe

The Prodigy: Experience

Megadeth: Countdown to Extinction

Eric B. & Rakim: Don't Sweat the Technique

The Orb: U.F.Orb

k.d.Lang: Ingenue

Suzanne Vega: 99.9 Fº

Stone Temple Pilots: Core

Curve: Doppelganger

Nick Cave: Henry's Dream

Neneh Cherry: Homebrew

Maybe I should choose something less obvious? At least, it would make this challenge less arduous for me, because it's evident that making a choice between two particularly dear songs from the past is nothing short of impossible. When in doubt, go for the dark horse! So, here goes: my choice for the song with the colour black in the title is:

Bonobo: Black Sands

Being something of a jazz aficionado, despite not really possessing any of the musical prowess to actually play jazz myself, it was love at first soundbite, when I chanced to hear the title track from Bonobo's 2010 album Black Sands on Bassoradio's morning special back in the day. Bonobo is the musical alias of British DJ-producer-musician Simon Green. His career spawns from the 90's trip hop aesthetics, with heavy influences of jazz and world music. Spicing up electronic beats with raw jazz samples, or even live musicians, was the thing to do, somewhere along the mid-90's. I guess it all started with a few insightful hip-hop artists layering their ghetto stompers with the occassional hardbop jazz sample back in the late 80's. For a short period, acid jazz was the coolest shit ever in the early 90's. In a somewhat natural chain of events, jazz eventually made its way to the brand new genres that evolved around the middle of the decade, trip hop and jungle, too.

That's how I got sucked into the all-consuming whirlpool of this abominable voodoo music – jazz. It's a wonder no-one has come up with a gateway theory yet, regarding the highly addictive nature of jazz music. It usually starts with small doses: an occassional jazz sample is slipped in the hip-hop track, or the breakdown section of a rock song is ornamented with a brief, improvised saxophone lead. Then you find yourself craving for more, and start delving into the depths of acid jazz, nu jazz, or whatever new genre that has incorporated jazz as an inherent element in its' aesthetic toolkit. After this honeymoon period, that might spawn over years and years, you eventually catch yourself red-handed, holding a genuine jazz album in your hands at the local record store, probably the usual entry-level drug-of-choice jazz classic: Kind of Blue by Miles Davis. It has been awarded the title of the greatest jazz album of all time – and for a reason, too. Multiple times. Then you're hooked. Next thing you know, you'll be blasting John Coltrane at a family reunion, with your beloved relatives giving you the dead-eyed stare, doubting the state of your mental well-being. Long story short: you simply cannot go wrong with a mellow waltz rhythm that's punctuated with the organic groove of a flesh-and-blood jazz drummer, and topped with hauntingly beautiful brass harmony.

Next up: the colour blue...

Again, I could go for something utterly obvious, like the song titled Blue by A Perfect Circle. Those lucky few, who know me in person, should be well aware of the fact, that I'm quite a diehard fanboy of the band. I was lucky enough to see the band's live performance a few years back, when they paid Finland a visit. Nevertheless, I think I can come up with something more unexpected.

Just let me think for a sec...

Remember the band Europe? Of course you do! (Unless you were born yesterday, like some, eww, millennial!) I think it would've required some exceptional measures in the noble art of cutting contact with the external world to not have been exposed to the band's 1986 megahit Final Countdown, during the past 34 years. (Fuck! Do I feel old yet?!?) BUT...before you dismiss the band as yet another hair-metal has-been, check out this song:

Europe: Not Supposed To Sing The Blues

It's pretty damn hard to believe it's a song by the same band that's responsible for that Final Countdown atrocity. To be honest, that particular throwback 80's hard rock ear-worm wouldn't probably get under my skin in such a thoroughly repulsive fashion, had I not performed the song countless times myself. It was quite an essential part of the live repertoire of the party band, that I toured with cirka 2004-2008. The modus operandi of this covers-only band was to play the most annoying 80's megahits, with the lyrics translated in Finnish with a liberal amount of tongue-in-cheek references to gay erotica. (On a side note, the band was actually quite popular in certain small regions, despite this dubious approach and the substantially high level of bad taste incorporated in the lyrics and live performances. We even ended up playing in a genuine gay wedding once. The humour of the band was, after all, benevolent albeit a bit harsh, at least in the context of these politically correct times...)

The song Not Supposed to Sing the Blues was released in 2012. It's pretty evident, that during this 26-year-period, following the release of Final Countdown, Europe managed to grow some serious balls, hidden somewhere below my musical radar. The oriental sounding motif, played with some cool mellotron string patch in the refrain before the chorus, has a nice Led Zeppelin-esque feel to it. You can't really go wrong with a slowed-down hard rock blues that is sugar-coated with a grain of Kashmir-strings, now can you?

Next up: white...

What first comes to mind? Whiter Shade of Pale by Procol Harum, and Nights in White Satin by the Moody Blues, obviously. You see, I had both of these tracks in vinyl format, way back in the early 90's, when I was going through my ”moustache prog from the 70's”-phase. (Although, this particular Procol Harum song was actually released in 1968, and the Moody Blues song in 1967 – but, in order to be consistent and thorough, I had to dig deeper, to the roots of the prog...to the very dinosaur fossils)

I could throw in White Room by Cream, too. I used to listen to these particular tracks A LOT! In the age of vinyl, conducting a music marathon themed around, say, 60's and 70's ”moustache music”, was actually quite a laborous ritual. Every 25 minutes, or so, I had to flip the side of the record. Shuffling songs totally at random was simply a no-go-zone. Nowadays, it's so easy to compile a lengthy set of personal favorites in Spotify, WinAmp, iTunes, or whatever the fuck application you'd prefer, and just hit the randomize-button...fucking millennials, they have it SO easy. They have no idea of the struggle.

That's why we had those vintage C-cassettes: to copy that very special selection of songs, compiled with tender love and care, onto a format, that didn't require you to be on a constant lookout for when the album side was closing to an end. Besides, before the onslaught of cd-players, those vintage C-cassettes were the only way to impress people with either your refined taste in music, or with the lack of it, while you were occupied with the gentle art of pussy racing, driving around downtown in your awkwardly tuned-up mirthmobile, every goddamn Friday night.

I could pick White Wedding by Billy Idol, too...

It was one of those 80's hits that I used to play with the ”covers only”-party band.

Nah...

I think I will have to choose between Aisles of White by the Aussie soft-prog band the Butterfly Effect, and The Heart of a Cold White Land by the Finnish doomsters Swallow the Sun.

My beloved wife introduced me to Aussie prog, some 10 years ago. The gateway drug, I think, was Karnivool with their music video for All I Know. One day, when I was coming home from work, I caught my wife watching this particular video in YouTube. A little bit later, she unearthed a shitload of Aussie bands in Spotify. I guess she must've been hitting that ”similar artists”-link quite relentlessly. The Butterfly Effect was one of those magnificent bands she discovered. I remember hearing the song In A Memory for the first time. It struck a chord with me, in such a profound way, that I felt compelled to order the album Imago ASAP from some Australian music webstore. At the time, the back catalogue of the Butterfly Effect wasn't available in Finland. I don't know, if it's available even now, because the band is no longer active, I think. Aisles of White is the track #2 on that album, released in 2006. The band released one more kick-ass album in 2008, titled Final Conversation of Kings, and then I don't know what the hell happened.

Swallow the Sun is a bit doomish Finnish metal band, and I'm not really sure, when I actually found the band's music. I think I had their debut album The Morning Never Came (2003) in my cd-rack for years, but it wasn't until 2012, with the release of the magnificent Emerald Forest and the Blackbird album, that I truly fell in love with the band. It took me some five years to actually haul my ass to their gig for the first time. Every single time, when I found out that they were touring nearby, I was too busy with some utterly meaningless work-related bullshit to make it. Finally, in 2017 it happened. I had managed to get rid of my soul-sucking job, although due to a pretty hardcore reason (a brain tumour), so when I found out that Swallow the Sun was performing in Helsinki, in the legendary rock venue Tavastia, I definitely made sure that I was there – and fuck me sideways! It was indeed one of the best live performances that I have ever experienced, hands down!

In 2015, Swallow the Sun released a monolithic triple album Songs From the North, and this particular track, The Heart of a Cold White Land, is on the disc II, that is focused on the beauty side of the band's doom palette.

Swallow the Sun: The Heart of a Cold White Land

Next up: Red

Sielun Veljet was one of the most iconic Finnish rock bands in the 80's. The band released only a couple of albums with lyrics in English, of which the 1989 release Softwood Music Under Slow Pillars was the only one with the songs originally written in English. There was some other attempts to gain international fame and fortune, but in those cases, the songs were merely English translations of their most beloved hit songs, initially written in Finnish. This particular album was planned for international release – but the label executives were pretty disappointed, to say the least, when the band came up with an album full of acoustic psychedelia. It was released only in Finland and Sweden. The artwork on the album cover is actually a painting by a Peruvian artist Pablo Amaringo, depicting the shamanic ayahuasca ritual. Listening through this album in one go is somewhat similar experience, I would guess: a rewarding journey into the depths of the human psyche, albeit potentially exhausting, especially if you're not exactly in the proper mindset to begin with.

Well, ever since I got exposed to the oriental psychedelia of, say, Jimi Hendrix, Kingston Wall, and the like, I seem to have acquired a taste for this kind of weird and druggy, over-the-top freeform musical expression.

Sielun Veljet: Hey-Ho, Red Banana

Ok, then...What next?

What other colours are there, anyway? The three primary colours are: red, yellow and blue. All the other colours can be derived from these three fuckers. To be precise, I think black does not actually qualify as a colour... So, I've got most of these covered already. Of course, in order to pick some hairs, printers actually use magenta, yellow and cyan as their primary colours – and black, obviously. I can't recall a single song with ”magenta” or ”cyan” in the title, though. I could come up with a band or two, with these colours in the band name, such as Magenta Skycode, or Cyan Velvet Project, but song titles?

Nada.

Maybe, if I combed through my post-rock and soundtrack archives, I could come up with some epic 15-minute instrumental with either cyan or magenta mentioned in the lengthy piece of contemporary literature, that is supposed to be the title of the song...but I guess those tracks would not exactly mean worlds to me, as I clearly cannot remember them now. If something comes to mind, while I'm writing down this epistle, I'll address that particular colour and song, accordingly. Now, I shall get on with this challenge journal, onto the next ”normal”, everyday colour...

Which is?

The colour green.

Having played keyboards in a dubious number of proggy bands, with the tonal preferences leaning heavily toward everything vintage, I might as well pick a mellow Hammond-organ classic, such as Green Onions by Booker T. & the MG's, or a vintage synth classic from THE motion picture soundtrack album of all time: Memories of Green by Vangelis, from the timeless Blade Runner soundtrack.

But I won't...

It wasn't actually easy to come up with that many titles with the colour green mentioned. Excluding these two aforementioned classics, I could barely come up with four! As much as I like the desert rock stonerism of Kuyss, the song Green Machine is not my personal favourite in their back catalogue. So that narrows my options to three. The problem is that two of these songs seem to defy the laws of quantum physics: they both take a firm stranglehold on my soul, and throw it casually down the dark and dangerous alleys of nostalgia.

In the midst of 90's acid jazz boom, I had a peculiar habit of buying compilation cd's at random, if the heading on the cover somehow suggested that the contents of the cd had anything to do with this particular genre of music. By impulse-buying music I discovered a lot of gems, like the song Apple Green by Mother Earth. The band was an English acid jazz outfit, virtually unheard of in Finland, despite the tidal wave of acid jazz washing over also these rural perimeters. If Jamiroquai, the Brand New Heavies et al. rub you the right way, you definitely need to check this band out. I can still remember clearly, as if it happened yesterday, how I picked this acid jazz compilation from the vaults of the local record store that no longer exists.

Mr. Big was a band everybody just loved to hate at the turn of the decace, when the gigantic hair-do's of the 80's started to flatten out, and flannel shirts were showing faint signs of becoming the next level shit in the never-ending quest for cool. At the time, I was an under-aged college drop-out, devoting my attention to the finer things of guitar playing techniques, instead of studying for a decent profession. I had received my first electric guitar from my parents in 1988, and for the following 5-6 years, I spent most of my time and energy in an attempt to unravel the secrets of how to play guitar like Jimi Hendrix. I listened to quite a lot of speed and thrash metal on the side, too. Y'know, bands such as Anthrax, Metallica, Slayer and Stone, which was quite a legendary Finnish speed metal band in the late 80's. My budding personal artistic expression was anyhow more influenced by legendary old timers, like Hendrix. I simply loathed all sorts of pyrotechnical wankery (with the exception of certain tracks by Steve Vai and Joe Satriani). Mr. Big's lead guitarist Paul Gilbert was famous for that very special blend of technical stuff, that I wasn't interested in, not in the slightest. So, I never really gave the band a chance. I think my misconception of the band's music as some kind of a shit-show of technical masturbation was due to some instructional videos hosted by Gilbert. After all, his fame as a highly skilled guitarist must have derived from his contributions to several guitar magazines and instructional videos, instead of his career in Mr. Big. So, everytime I heard the intro of, say, To Be With You, on my car radio, I simply had to change the channel. In order to do so, I had to manually rotate the tuning knob. Yes, my first car stereos were THAT vintage! What a time it was to be alive! Years later, with the maturity of age like with a fine wine, I finally listened to the worn-out hits of this horrid band only to find out that – bummer! - in terms of songwriting, those goddamn Mr.Big hits were actually not that bad at all. The song Green-Tinted Sixties Mind was released on the album Lean Into It in 1991. Now, everytime I am exposed to this particular song, I am instantly reminded of what a stuck-up elitistic music snob I used to be during those emotionally tumultuous times.

So, I could resort to the luck of the draw, but luckily I've got one more candidate to go.

Lonely the Brave is one of my most recent findings. It's an English alt.rock band from Cambridge, formed in 2008. I really don't know much about the band, just this one song titled The Blue, The Green. I was exposed to it while playing the music trivia game Songpop 2 with my mobile phone during the past two years, I think. The game is about guessing songs within the timeframe of a 15 second clip. Pretty addictive at first, actually. This 15-second-soundbite was enough to gain my full attention, so I had to check out the song in full, instantly. I cannot pinpoint what exactly it is, but this particular song has that vague feeling of ”something”, that draws me to listen to it, time and time again.

Lonely The Brave: The Blue, The Green

Next up: yellow.

I was first introduced to Frank Zappa's unique music in the late 80's, by my classmate Jussi, who kindly exposed me to the timeless classic Bobby Brown Goes Down. At the delicate age of 15, it was a pretty anticipated reaction that the explicit song lyrics would strike a chord. A few years later, as I was browsing through the vinyl section at the local second hand record store, I came across a pure treasure: the gatefold vinyl edition of Roxy & Elsewhere by Frank Zappa & The Mothers. In mint condition, too! Dropping the needle on the first groove on the black vinyl back home was like taking the first hit of some mind-altering illegal substance. My perception of reality changed in an instant – and there was no going back. Such an exciting mixture of fusion jazz, rock and harsh satire was sure to make me an addict. So, in no time at all I built up enough tolerance and moved onto semi-lethal dosages, and purchased the albums Hot Rats, Grand Wazoo and Apostophe('). The last one was released in the year, when I was born (1974), and it included the hilarious 4-part rock suite about the unfortunate adventures of an eskimo named Nanook. One part of the suite is titled: Don't Eat the Yellow Snow. Sound advice at the time of a global pandemic, that originated from some peculiar pathogen spillover event in China, don't cha think?

Frank Zappa: Don't Eat The Yellow Snow

Not many colours left, I think...

Next up: purple.

I was exposed to the music of Jimi Hendrix via a documentary on TV, when I was a rosy-cheeked 7th grader in junior high. It happened around the same time, when I got my first electic guitar. So, I guess it must have been written in the stars, or something. The universe simply wanted me to focus on the noble art of guitarism, instead of getting a college degree on psychopathological marketing or accounting (fuck no!). My first guitar was a cheap stratocaster-copy with a Williams-logo on it. In a way, it resembled the vintage Mellotron keyboard: it simply would refuse to keep in tune. One of the first songs that I learned, despite the frustrating limitations imposed by the crap tuners on the guitar, was Purple Haze by Hendrix. I had to learn it by ear. You see, back in the gloomy days of the late 80's, there just wasn't that many guitar tabs around. Not in Finland, anyway. Later I did find an instructional guitar playing manual at the local library, with a few pages dedicated to the art of Jimi Hendrix. Mainly, the only viable option to learn any contemporary rock song, or even any classic from the days long gone, was either to learn it by ear, or to resort to the occassional tabs provided by the international guitar magazines – if you were fortunate enough to spot these much-sought publications at your local bookstore. (These fuckin' millennials have it SO easy!) On the other hand, learning to play primarily by ear must have developed my improvisational skills a great deal, as an added bonus. Improvisation is not so much about throwing up some pre-programmed fancy gimmicks at any given chance, but actually LISTENING to what your fellow musicians are playing and responding accordingly.

Next up: grey.

I think it was my dear wife, once again, who first introduced me to the band Thrice, by playing the song Digital Sea from the band's double album Alchemy Index, a long, long time ago. The band's vocalist/guitarist Dustin Kensrue is one of those few singers, who are blessed with a distinctive voice that speaks, or to be more precise, sings volumes. He might not have the same gravitas like Mark Lanegan or Tom Waits, but nevertheless, he has the voice of a protagonist who's been to hell and back. Mark Lanegan sounds like he's got a season ticket, and Tom Waits sounds like he's the devil running the show – or, to put it in Waits' own words:

”Don't you know, there ain't no devil,

that's just God when he's drunk...”

 Tom Waits: Heartattack and Vine

Anyways, the lyrics in a Thrice song could be compiled of a list of phone numbers, or the decimals of Pi (like Kate Bush actually did), and it would still sound like a profound wisdom concerning the transformative journey of being fully human.

Thrice: The Grey

Last but not least, the colour: turquoise.

For years, I actually thought that Boards of Canada was indeed a Canadian outfit. Y'know, indie bands in particular come up with these band names that have some funny and ironic twist. Somewhere along the way, it finally dawned on me that this magnificent electronic duo is actually from Scotland. Well, of course it is! If my memory isn't playing any tricks on me now, I'm pretty sure that Soulsavers and Hidden Orchestra are Scottish, too. And they all have something in common. Each of these electronic outfits has an extraordinary and unique, boss-level prominance in the way they manage to capture emotion in their instrumentals.

Boards of Canada released a 5-minute electronic epic titled Turquoise Hexagon Sun on the album Music Has the Right to Children in 1998. The name of the song is actually a reference to the duo's recording studio Hexagon Sun. It makes it even more marvellous, that an instrumental track with a title deriving from something so mundane can touch your heartstrings so deeply. It's not that often, when an electronic instrumental with a hip-hop beat, glassy vintage synth motifs and deliberately lo-fi production paired with grainy samples, manage to do that. These Scottish bastards must've been onto something...

Well, that's pretty much all there was to the first day in this music challenge! I was supposed to pick one song, and I ended up writing a fucking novel about it...Tomorrow the plot shall thicken even more, when I introduce you to the theme of the day #2.

In the meanwhile, you can do yourself a favour and listen to:

Boards of Canada: Turquoise Hexagon Sun

Stay tuned! Cheers!

[thedefinitionofbts]

Our First and Last (Ch. 7)

Ch. 1 | Ch. 2 | Ch. 3 | Ch. 4 | Ch. 5 | Ch. 6 | Ch. 7 | Ch. 8 | Ch. 9 | Ch. 10 | 

Ch. 11| Ch. 12 (Final)

Pairings: Jeon Jungkook x Reader (MAIN) | Park Jimin x Kim Taehyung | Jung Hoseok x Min Yoongi | Kim Namjoon x Kim Seokjin

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Soulmate Au, Scifi

Words: 3.3K

“Hobi, thank you so much for driving me, I am so nervous right now,” You wipe your clammy hands on your thighs as you sit in the passenger’s seat of Hoseok’s car. You were so glad he offered to drive you to Dr. Jeon’s lab because you would be running late otherwise, and being late on the first day would be a horrible way to start off and not to mention leave the most undesirable lasting impression.

“Hey, no prob, I wanted to meet this guy anyways” Hoseok says, head still turn towards the road in front. He was wearing his sunglasses, so you could only see the upward curve of his lips as he grins.

Traffic wasn’t too bad since most people were already at work around 10 in the morning.

When the two of you arrive, you see that it was a huge hospital building that looked very new and modern, with parts of the walls made of glass. The windows reflected the bright sunlight, and there were potted flowers and other shrubs near the main entrance. A round fountain with an abstract design was flowing with shallow water, and people were walking in and out of the automatic revolving door. It definitely seemed like a busy place.

“Whaa” Hoseok looks around in awe as the two of you walk in.

“His lab is on the 7th floor,” You say as you and Hoseok walk towards the elevator.

“Hey, do you think I can apply for an internship at this hospital? I think it’ll look good on my Med school application.” Hoseok says as the two of you walk down the hall. Hoseok was clearly amazed by the layout of the building, and you could tell he really liked it by gleam in his eyes and the excitement in his voice.

“Yeah, go for it! Then we can maybe even see each other sometimes!” You exclaim, forgetting about your nerves for a couple of seconds, but that doesn’t last long as the two of you close in on the lab entrance.

They were a pair of double doors, reminiscent of most biological labs, and on the wall to the side was a plaquer that had the words:

Dr. Jeon Jungkook MD-PhD Cognitive Neuroscience

You take a deep breath, trying to quell your pounding heart. Hoseok puts a hand on your shoulder, knowing how nervous you must be feeling.

When you push open the doors, you are immediately greeted with the smell of sterilization fluids combined with a faint whiff of various chemicals. The light in the lab room is white, and the room is very spacious, with rows and rows of bottles, petri dishes, flasks, and boxes of newly ordered supplies. There were a couple of scientists dressed in their lab coats, pipetting liquids into test tubes, others working under the hold for either maintaining cell cultures or working with hazardous chemicals, and a few sitting at desks, hard at work on their computers. There were the loud noises coming from large freezers in the back, and you even notice a whole area dedicated to different types of microscopes.

“Excuse me, I’m looking for Dr. Jeon Jungkook” You say to one of the researchers closest to the door.

“New student?” She asks, removing her gloves and shaking your hand as you nod. “He’s in his office, come” She guides you and Hoseok past the neuroscience lab where it was connected to another lab, in which you recognize as a genetics lab from the obvious PCR machines and the gel electrophoresis equipment set up. You finally reach an area where there is carpeting on the floor and some office rooms.

“Dr. Jeon, your new student has arrived” She announces after she knocks on the already opened door to his office.

You notice that the office room is very tidy; especially for a researcher since most of the time they don’t bother to keep their workspace neat. But then you remember that Dr. Jeon is also a neurosurgeon, which requires him to be very meticulous and precise. There’s a window with its blinds open to the left of Dr. Jeon’s desk, revealing the baby blue sky with a few white and fluffy nimbus clouds here and there, and a plant, which looks to be a juxtaposition of succulents that form a mini forest, sitting on the windowsill in a glass fishbowl-like pot.

Your eyes glaze over the stacks of papers next to the printer, and the shelves of medical textbooks and science magazines on the wall opposite to the window. After slowly soaking in the details of his office, you finally let your eyes land on THE Dr. Jeon Jungkook, the guy that Hoseok and you have basically fangirled and fanboyed over for the past few weeks.

His shoulders are evidently broad, forming a 90-degree curve where his white lab coat continues to drape down. His hair is dark brown, verging on black, and neatly combed, bangs half parted to the side.

Dr. Jeon slowly turns around in his seat, head still facing the computer, eyes glued to the screen for an extra few seconds before they land on you.

And at that precise moment, it was like time lingered for an extra millisecond, as if something powerful had momentarily disrupted it’s normal flow, because you forgot to inhale, and your lungs were confused by the sudden drop in oxygen levels as your heart skipped half a beat. It was like nothing you had ever experienced before, and you barely hear Hoseok’s “wow” come out as a whisper, as the both of you watch Dr. Jeon get up from his seat and walk over to greet you.

His enchanting dark eyes were mesmerizing even behind his thin-rimmed glasses, and the size and shape of all of his facial features, including his full lips, thick eyebrows, and sculpted nose was the perfect ratio to the size and shape of his overall face, everything perfectly aligned, but with a flaw here and there, as if acting as a reminder that he’s still human.

“Y/N? Is it?” Jungkook says as he approaches you and Hoseok, reaching a hand out to offer a handshake.

He’s towering over the two of you now, long lean torso straight as a pole despite years of being crouched at a desk either studying or writing up research papers. You realize that if you look straight, your line of sight only reaches his chin, and although Hoseok is taller than you, he’s still a good few inches shorter than the neurosurgeon.

“Oh, uh yes. It’s very nice to meet you Dr. Jeon” You say, as professionally composed as you can manage. You reach out your own hand to shake his. Upon contact you’re immediately reminded of how cold and clammy your hand is because of the striking contrast to Jungkook’s warm and dry hands.

“And this is…?” Dr. Jeon turns and looks at Hoseok, who is standing next to you.

“I’m Jung Hoseok. Very impressed by the research you do, sir” Hoseok says, grabbing Dr. Jeon’s single hand with both of his own hands and shaking like he’s meeting some sort of celebrity.

Hoseok has this wide grin on his face, and Jungkook returns it with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, like he was just doing it to be polite.

Jungkook dismisses the female scientist and proceeds to show you around the lab. Hoseok is just quietly following behind, not wanting to be a bother but also curious to see the research going on.

“We share some of our equipment with Dr. Ryu’s genetics lab and vice versa,” Jungkook says as he leads you past the lab you previously walked through to get to his office.

“Here is where we maintain cell cultures for experimentation, and it’s also where we grow our own Purkinje cells from neuronal stem cells. Be extra careful when you’re dealing with these because environmental factors play a large role in the formation of their dendritic arbors.” Jungkook says as he continues taking you on a tour of the lab.

He ends up showing you almost everything, ranging from where they store fluorescent dyes to how to operate the confocal microscope with an argon laser. You listen intently trying to absorb all the information Jungkook is throwing at you, and mentally scold yourself for not bringing a notebook to write all of this down.

He finally ends the tour by bringing you to your work area, which is relatively empty compared to the other areas of the lab, except for a set of pipettes and a box of 1.7mL test tubes.

“I’ll go over the project with you tomorrow” Jungkook says, as he notices you’ve gone silent due to the sheer volume of information you have just been given.

“Ok, thank you Dr. Jeon” You say, the sound of your own voice seeming out of place after the long tour of only Jungkook talking and you just nodding your head while following him.

He nods and walks back to his office, leaving you standing there alone and wondering where in the world Hoseok has ran off to.

Your eyes flutter open and you look around the room in a daze. You hated taking naps. Naps always made you wake up, still feeling tired and twice as disoriented. Taking naps was never a thing you did on a regular basis, but ever since your treatment with Dr. Kim, they had become routine during your session, they were unavoidable.

“How long was I out?” You ask, rubbing your head and looking at Taehyung.

“Oh, I’d say about 20 minutes” Taehyung says, as he looks up form his notebook and sighing.

“So did anything happen while I was knocked out?”

“You mumbled a few indecipherable things, but other than that everything was quite normal. How do you feel?” Taehyung asks.

“More calm”

“Good. Did you remember anything?”

You shift on the couch, sitting up and trying to organize your thoughts.

“I think someone I met recently showed up in my dream this time.” You say, as you vaguely recall a pair of chocolate brown doe eyes behind thin-rimmed glasses. “But then again, he feels like the same person who’s always been there in my dreams.”

“You mean, you’ve been dreaming of someone, and you didn’t know who they were until you met them in real life?” Taehyung asks.

You slowly nod, wondering how that’s even possible or maybe you’re just getting mixed up. Taehyung nods his head and purses his lips.

“You’re not going to tell me I have some clairvoyant ability are you?” You ask, looking at Taehyung with a doubtful expression.

Surprisingly Taehyung just laughs and shakes his head.

“Can’t come to that conclusion quite yet” He jokes. “But I’m curious, who is this person you’ve suddenly met in real life?”

“Um, he’s a professor I’m doing research under” You reply, feeling your cheeks flush. You didn’t know what had gotten into you lately, but Dr. Jeon has never left your mind since the first day you met him.

“I see” Taehyung nods.

“You don’t find any of it strange?” You ask, wondering why he’s so nonchalant, like it’s completely normal to dream about someone long before you ever met them.

“Isn’t it obvious that you might just be developing a crush on this guy?” Taehyung says, causing your mouth to drop and your eyes widen.

“But-what..how?” You try to form a coherent sentence, but fail as the embarrassment settles in as quickly as the heat that was burning on your cheeks now.

“I don’t want to perpetuate the stereotype that psychologists can read minds, but…come on, I’m a psychologist,” Taehyung says with a grin, looking at your mortified expression.

“He’s my professor and I met him yesterday!” You emphasize, voice almost coming out as a shriek.

“It’s likely that this person is not one person but a mix of two or more people. It’s not uncommon for someone in your dreams to actual be a combination of more than one person you know in real life. I think your affection for this guy might’ve just given him a ticket to merge with whatever person or people you’ve consistently dreamt of for most of your life” Taehyung explains.

You look down at your lap as you register the words coming out of the psychologist’s mouth. It makes perfect sense, but somewhere deep down; you know that whomever you’ve dreamed of all these years is way too distinct to be a mix of people you’ve known in the past.

“Tae, I’m worried about Dr. Jeon” Jimin says as they’re grocery shopping on a Saturday morning.

Taehyung, who was pushing the empty shopping cart stops in his tracks, narrows his eyes, and looks at Jimin.

“From a patient-psychologist standpoint!” Jimin quickly defends, knowing that Taehyung’s mind was probably going places it shouldn’t.

“Continue” The latter says as he begins walking again.

“It’s like he’s changed into a different person or he’s been possessed or something.” Jimin shakes his head and stares at tiled flooring of the supermarket. “He doesn’t look at me like I’m a joke, and he doesn’t say hurtful things anymore. In fact, he’s barely showing any emotion at all. Do you think it’s a sign that his depression is getting worse?”

“It’s a possibility. Or maybe some significant change occurred in his life.”

“That’s what I was thinking! But I can’t figure out what it is, and you know how difficult it is for me to squeeze anything out of that guy.” Jimin sighs as he grabs an 8-pack of peach yogurt from the dairy section and drops it into the shopping cart.

“Well there’s really nothing you can do except keep trying” Taehyung says as he and Jimin walk towards the snack aisle.

“Hey, look! It’s Yoongi!” Jimin exclaims as he spots the familiar figure standing in front of the shelf of chips and dip.

Yoongi turns around, startled by the sudden sound of his name. He spots the pink haired Jimin in a heartbeat and the brown-haired male standing next to him, which he assumes is the other psychologist from the clinic.

“Morning Dr. Park. And, umm… Dr. Kim?” Yoongi greets.

Taehyung nods in greeting as Jimin hops over to talk to Yoongi.

“Shopping for Dr. Jeon?” Jimin asks, eyeing the cartload of processed foods.

“Like always” Yoongi sighs.

There was a long pause as the two of them continue to stare at the pile of food, before Yoongi and Jimin both speak at the same time.

“How are the sessions coming along?” “Has anything big happened in Dr. Jeon’s life?”

“Oh sorry, you were saying?” Yoongi says, awkwardly putting his hands in the large front pocket of his baggy hoodie.

“It’s just that Dr. Jeon seems detached lately, and I was wondering if you know about anything that’s going on.” Jimin explains.

“Oh, umm, everything seems pretty normal from what I can tell.” Yoongi says, trying to think about all the events that happened recently. He’s still eating normally, sleeping as regularly as his schedule allows him, and balancing surgeries with experiments as perfectly as he always has. There’s really nothing that comes to Yoongi’s mind except one.

“Not a single thing has changed?” Jimin asks, disappointed that not even Yoongi, the closest person to Jungkook that he knows, can even help him.

“Well, he took in a new graduate student recently” Yoongi finally says, remembering the sleepless hours he spent filtering through hundreds of applications.

“A new student?”

“Since I assume you’ve already read up on my latest research on visual perception, I’m not going to bother reiterating the details.”

You were sitting in a chair across from Jungkook in his office as he explains the project you’ll be working on. He seemed so focused on explaining the experimental set up that it felt like he was giving a lecture to hundreds of students, which in turn made you feel sort of invisible sitting there. He wasn’t even looking at you as he talked, only pausing to give you the occasional glance to see if you were registering everything. The guy even made a PowerPoint for crying out loud, and he was so skilled at orating that it sounded like he had memorized the whole spiel.

“So the first step is to begin growing retinal ganglion cells derived from human embryonic stem cells.” Jungkook finishes as the last slide of his PowerPoint switches to a black screen.

“So if I’m not mistaken, the goal of this project is to determine the selectivity mechanisms in the occipital lobe?” You tentatively ask, hoping he won’t think you’re dumb for not fully understanding the first time around.

“More specifically, we’re looking to see how inputs in the axons of retinal cells are modified through each layer of the visual cortex and ultimately aid in neuronal selectivity. Basically the difference between what is there and what you actually see.” Jungkook explains.

You look at Jungkook with a lost expression, and although you try to hide it, he notices and sighs as he turns his chair and faces you for the first time. You try to keep eye contact to show that you’re completely focused, but fail as his unnerving stare causes you to look away. Maybe it was a bad idea to ask…

That tense, nervous feeling is back at it again as you swallow the saliva building up in your mouth and bite the inside of your cheek. You feel Jungkook’s gaze pointed at you, but you’re too afraid to look at his face to see his expression, so you keep your eyes down towards the floor. Hoping that he’ll think you were deep in thought or something.

“If I were to throw a ball at your head right now, you would dodge, right?” Jungkook asks, voice coming out not nearly as annoyed as you thought it would.

“Umm….yes…” You answer, wondering why he would suddenly asked such a random question. His tone had made you less nervous, but the question itself left you in a confused state.

“But even if you were slow by as little as a nanosecond, it would hit you square in the face.” Jungkook continues, and by now you’re wondering if this is his way to indirectly refer to your incompetency.

You slowly lift your eyes to look at Jungkook, preparing to apologize for not being up to speed with the experiment and all, but you notice that he’s focused his attention to the scene outside the window. You breathe a sigh of relief, glad that he’s not scrutinizing you anymore, but still feeling apologetically inept.

“But it takes times for inputs to the photoreceptors in your eyes to travel through the optic nerve and to your brain, where you ultimately see the ball flying towards you.” Jungkook pauses, waiting to see if you’re catching on.

You listen, still not quite sure where this is all going. Jungkook’s lips curve up slightly as he continues to explain.

“So how do our brains make up for that time?” Another pause, but this time so short that it’s barely noticeable. “It makes educated guesses. Predictions about the world we see because if it didn’t, everything you see would be the world nanoseconds in the past.”

As that last sentence escapes his mouth, the central idea Jungkook was trying to convey finally pops into your head.

“Which means that our brains have to construct a reality before we are able to see it.” You finish, finally piecing together everything Jungkook was explaining.

You see his mouth curve into a smile, and a faint glint in his eyes as he nods.

...

[wraithwolf]

so let’s talk about Shieda fucking Kayn——

first off, I actually want to give props to Riot because as much as I change shit around I'm genuinely glad we're continuing to receive lore that intertwines with other pieces rather than having a bunch of standalones that generally fail (and subsequently receive harsher criticism) solely because they have nothing to lean on. as expected some (most) people are unhappy with it but if nothing else I'm glad Kayn has lore beyond his little intro paragraph because y'all know they very well could've just gave us that and left it. (I'm not here to complain about the comm tho that's a separate post) basically, I'm Pleased and there's a lot to think about.

Initially, the decision to make Kayn a Noxian threw me for a Big Ass Loop™ because I was convinced the Order was exclusively for Ionians (more specifically, Ionians proved worthy by Zed) and while Kayn was still chosen by Zed there’s an underlying irony in this choice. We’re deep into the Ionian/Noxian war by the time Kayn is forced into it, and while Zed isn’t exactly the most Merciful or #Relatable person, imagine the intrigue a person such as himself had in seeing a poor, Noxian child with the drive and the anger of that of a seasoned warrior not only still holding on (considering Zed and co. didn’t arrive to the scene for two days after Kayn was dispatched) throughout all of the carnage that surely followed, but finding the strength to take up his weapon once again. For what it’s worth, Kayn was determined to fight for his life or literally die trying no matter who challenged him. We know Kayn didn’t know who was standing over him, but he was willing to fight anyway. I imagine Zed to have found it admirable, but at the same time beneficial: being able to change this boy and harness his rage, then unleash it against the same people that otherwise would’ve let him die at the Epool. The same people that sought to slay his own. I’m 50/50 about this because I speculated Zed had a reason for taking Kayn under his wing, but I didn’t expect the Noxian angle at all.

The thing is, there’s a lot more irony to this beyond Zed taking in a Noxian to use against other Noxians, as we can obviously see. Kayn resembles Zed in many ways— a familiar, stubborn arrogance alongside the same hungry determination that inevitably consumes him to be more than what he is, going as far as to seek an advantage through outside means - just like Zed in seeking out the Box to surpass Shen, Kayn seeks out Rhaast; only it’s safe to say Kayn is far more ambitious in his reasons for doing so, as in Kayn wants control of the fucking Order itself where Zed... wasn’t so bold, at the time.

It’s interesting to think about how an endgame for Kayn (and also Zed, since at least in Zed’s case we have to consider his current (????) involvement with Shen in an attempt to stop Jhin all over again and then add Kayn to the mix) would play out as it is almost entirely dependent on Zed and Kayn’s will alone. Should Kayn succumb to Rhaast, (which now seems a little more plausible with Kayn’s cockiness running amok through everything he does) I imagine the dynamic would change entirely as it goes beyond controlling Kayn as best as Zed can (I use control loosely because while I imagine Zed to run the Order as he sees fit, to make it a total dictatorship still seems like a little bit of a stretch to me if only because we don’t know how Zed reacted to Kayn returning with the Darkin scythe in hand and word that he Literally Killed Nakuri in order to bring it back) to having to deal with him without risking the rest of the Order and all of Ionia itself. They’ve already got Jhin running around, for gods sake, they don’t need a fucking Darkin along with him.

Ultimately, a lot like with champs such as Zed and Jhin, a real endgame is left up to the writer of said character and the overall interpretation itself. The way I see it, Zed isn’t going to be pleased with Kayn’s decisions to not only kill another member of the Order but also to voluntarily give part of himself to Rhaast in order to ‘control’ him; but again we return to Zed’s somewhat Ulterior Motive as to why he brought Kayn in in the first place. It’s not hard to tell that Kayn is confident, though overbearingly so--and from the looks of it, Zed isn’t The Happiest about Kayn’s behavior nor his choices but there are fragments of Kayn that Zed can recall in himself that might just allow certain things... to an extent. I’m in no way saying Zed just “o ok u just killed one of my students and defied my orders and also want The Order from me, Cool” because I’m laughing imagining the lecture/punishment Kayn actually receives after he returns with Rhaast and Kayn just scowling and grumbling the entire time but! I can see him allowing few aspects of Kayn solely because if he can convince Kayn that his strength comes from him, not Rhaast, Kayn can overcome Rhaast, and Zed can continue to shape him.

Also, let me add right now that while I don’t think Zed would risk much for him, (I’ve never supported 100% Evil Zed but I’m not a “Zed Did Nothing Wrong” stan either) I also don’t agree with the idea that Zed wants Kayn to lose himself to Rhaast, that Zed would send Kayn to deal with Jhin, or that Zed would even involve him in it. The risk, in all of these scenarios is vastly higher than the reward. Again, a Literal Darkin running around slaughtering everyone would mean further disaster for Ionia, and inevitably word would get around who brought Kayn (and Rhaast by relation) into the nation, and while Zed isn’t exactly a secret to all, I doubt he’d want to bring himself and his actions front and center. Kayn is still extremely young (eighteen-nineteen??) and while he’s in no way weak or stupid (s/o to Mint for mentioning this entire point to me i love u big hug) Jhin has years of experience on him. It wouldn’t be difficult for Jhin to take advantage of Kayn and either kill him on the spot or put him through worse knowing it was a stronger way to get to Zed especially if we can assume Kayn would completely underestimate him. For what it’s worth... my interpretation, specifically, has yet to know of Jhin at all. Whether or not he later on learns and what happens thereafter is to be decided. (*aggressively chinhands*)

Furthermore, in regards to the “wow he is so cliche” “wow he is so edgy” arguments that plague his Entire Fucking Existence and tag right now... yes. It was obvious he was going to be a little edgy and a little bit of a cliche. That doesn’t (and it shouldn’t) take away from the potential he has to further flesh out the lore as a whole. You gotta realize now more than ever that Kayn is young, one of the youngest champions (?) to have a fairly deep involvement with some larger scale issues going on within the overall story. I can name a few other champs that follow a similar path and are edgy in their own respects, but I’m not going to. The lore has disproved many things, one of them being that Kayn isn’t Just Edgy for the sake of being edgy. It’s very likely that as he grows and matures, a lot of his current mannerisms will fade/vanish entirely depending on what happens to him in the future. In a nutshell, being edgy doesn’t make him a joke, and he’s clearly not an unconditional, rampant Zed fanboi uguu kouhai xDdD like a lot of people were using at the forefront of their argument as to why they dislike him. 💁

TO CONCLUDE ... I like Kayn, I like his lore, and I’m really liking the possibilities for building him and taking him in a direction entirely my own. (and that’s just for main verse, let alone the possible skin aus, modern verse, what have you) Of course, it wouldn’t be a Blog by Hina™ without some divergence, but I’ll be figuring that out as I go. I already have some specific ideas pertaining to my interpretation exclusively, but they need to be tested/written down before I can really apply them. I am Happy, and I’m looking forward to keeping this going.

some additional stuff I noted/had confirmed to cover later but still want to mention:

nakuri calls kayn brother! the order is (at least somewhat) familial! miss me with that ‘nobody cares abt each other in the order’ shit

is it safe to say kayn’s abilities covered in the lore/in game (the wall walking and the ability to literally enter bodies for a short time especially) are things zed is also capable of? he couldn’t have learned them from anyone but zed, right?

A Big Old Confirmation that when kayn enters another body, he can see (and subsequently feel) just as the person would be for that moment. i’d like to think that eventually, kayn can fine tune this ability and utilize it for longer durations, however i imagine there will always be a risk from it and the victim will most likely always suffer afterwards. more on that Eventually™

another Big Confirm that rhaast’s control leaves both physical and mental effects on the body (however it happens a lot faster than i originally anticipated) and the longer the usage, the more this shows in the form of carapace. i’ll also be covering this at Some Point but even in kayn’s shadow assassin form, we see that the carapace is Gone (?) but in its place are dark dark marks, implying that even once rhaast is purged, remnants of him are still there most likely because of how long he was allowed to manifest. i’m still debating if this actually would hinder kayn’s eyesight / usage of his arm for a while should he overcome rhaast.

rhaast can be heard by more than just his wielder, which is something i wasn’t thinking was possible. however, this could be a conditional thing to where either rhaast can choose who hears him or the only ones that do hear him are those susceptible to his control. either? or? the world is yet to know.

[amusetoamuse]

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D Season 4 : Episode 17 - Identity and Change Recap

I’m all about experimenting here so today I will try out a new way (for me) of recapping! :)

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D is one of my favourite shows at the present moment. It has really developed so much over the course of the seasons. The plot has improved so much and I absolutely love it now!! Especially what they have done with Season 4 where they split the season into 3 pods (aka story arcs) and I love how it makes for better story telling since the storylines can be more concise and jam packed now instead of dragged and spread across the seasons. I’m normally not one for suspense so shorter arcs are good because we can get the answers to questions much quicker. 

I am also a huge skyeward (chloe bennet and brett dalton) fan and find it such a pity that their relationship was not developed more in the earlier seasons because the actors have such amazing chemistry. Fingers crossed for this arc (the Framework/ Agents of Hydra) to have some skyeward scenes please. 

Speaking of the Framework, I love how it has the potential to tell stories that could have been told previously but did not have the chance to be told. It’s like a whole world of “What If”s, sort of like a dream world. The Framework, (created by Radcliffe) corrects one regret that the person has through a brain scan assessment. What if Coulson did not join S.H.I.E.L.D? What if May did not kill the girl in Bahrain? What if Fitz never met Simmons? All of these “What If”s will be explored in this pod (as the actors and writers like to call it). Whooop I’m so excited so let’s start watching! :)

In the last episode, we end off with Coulson finally remembering who Daisy is and episode 17: Identity and Change continues from that scene. Daisy and Coulson are in the classroom as Daisy catches Coulson up to speed on their identities (hoho). Coulson’s memories seem a little fuzzy since he claims that Hydra has been using mind-control soap to mess with his memories but tells Daisy not to worry since he makes his own soap now. (HAHAH COULSON YOU ARE THE BEST) 

Sign me up to buy Coulson’s soap please. HAHAH. Daisy tells him that he’s probably talking about Project Tahiti instead. Daisy’s phone rings. (Who could it be?) Ward please. 

OMG IT IS WARD!!! *internal screaming* (Okay actually I kind of knew since I saw the promos/sneak peeks) but still! It’s so good to see Brett Dalton back on the show. He tells Daisy that Hydra is sending down some personnel to the school and Daisy tells Coulson “ You’re going to need a substitute”. 

OMG YESS I’m actually kind of loving the new logo, Hail Hydra. HAHA ok but yes my allegiance is to S.H.I.E.L.D but this logo still looks cool and how they placed the Hydra logo everywhere during this arc, Daisy’s identity and in the scenes. The beauty is truly in the subtle details. 

Mack has a daughter and they make the perfect pair. They’re building drones in the kitchen and his daughter finishes her drone faster. Mack checks out her drone and flips it over to find... the hydra logo. oh no. He warns her to stay far away from Hydra so that they can stay out of trouble and she promises to do so. (Aww Mack and his daughter are seriously the cutest, he’s going to have a hard time dealing with this when they get out of The Framework). 

They head to the bus stop and the people line up in a straight line and wait for the Nazis (oh wait, I mean Hydra) to show up for the usual ID check (to make sure you’re not an Inhuman / working with S.H.I.E.L.D/ the resistance). Mack tells his daughter to keep her head down and do as they say. She nods agreeably. But alas, she left the hydra drone they were working on in her bag while they were at the line up. Mack grabs the bag from her and says that he will handle this. A guy starts running away. “We got a runner” , the Hydra agent says. They quickly subdue him and it turns out that he’s on the list of Potential Inhumans. Oh no. The Hydra cars drive off. Mack and his daughter Sparkplug are safe and live to see another day of this Hydra Nazi-ness. (Reminds me of the kid from the previous episode who called Hydra the Nazis) hahaha. But what they’re doing really gives off those vibes. 

Daisy and Coulson head back to her appartment and she tells Simmons that she thinks that they can trust Ward again, (he’s a double agent in The Framework, but this time for good) Also, he’s helped them a record breaking number of 2 times now. Simmons and Coulson head to the rendezvous point that Ward gave for the Resistance while Daisy heads to the Triskelion to get Radcliffe’s location. 

In Madame Hydra’s office, she is talking to a Hydra agent when Fitz enters and she quickly dismisses the agent. Fitz asks her what’s going on and why she won’t let him help out with the subversive (aka Simmons) but she’s insistent on not letting him help for obvious reasons. (#FitzSimmons) . Also Madame Hydra’s real name is Ophelia? Hmmm okay. But anyway, it is so difficult to watch Fitz IN LOVE with Madame Hydra. Noooo Fitz, how could you do this to #FitzSimmons??  She hesitates but finally shows Fitz the photo of Simmons. He’s totally unaffected and says that he will send his team after Simmons immediately. “You’d do anything for me , wouldn’t you?” “I’d cross the universe for you.” OH GOD.NO.JUST NO. Major cringe plus omg how can Fitz be saying such things. They kiss. (Ugh no. Please end this scene immediately).

Thank God. Daisy is back in the office looking up Radcliffe’s info. Ward spots her and says that being here is too dangerous for her and that she should leave immediately. She says that she could that much faster if he wasn’t “mouth-breathing” on her. HAHA. omg they’re just the cutest. She gets the info she needs and they leave together when May stops them and says that Skye needs to come with them. 

Omg. my skyeward feels. They’re finally back together. (Side note: the hydra statue behind is looking pretty good). 

Ward gets all protective of Daisy (Skye, her old name,  in The Framework) and says that he’ll fend off May while she fights the others. She leans in to give him a kiss on the cheek. (Omg the first skyeward kiss in forever, although it’s just on the cheek, but still, omg yesss finally) but no it’s just to pass him the information she got to pass to Simmons. “Skye” . He’s reluctant to leave but she insists and says that she will be okay. He looks worriedly at her as she ascends the stairs to meet with May. (This scene was everything, omg, squealing inside, I’m just so happy to see Skyeward back in action).

Coulson and Simmons are at the rendezvous point for the Resistance. 

“For the season, it’s been unusually rainy.”  - Resistance contact

“Rain or shine, the man with the umbrella is always ready.” - Coulson

LOL. I’ve seen a couple of secret password exchanges but this has got the be the best/ funniest one I’ve ever seen. HAHA. 

The guy takes out hand cuffs and Coulson’s all like “Did I say it wrong?” He cuffs them and puts a black bag over their heads and they’re driven off in a black van. Oh no. Are Coulson and Simmons in trouble? Okay probably not, the Resistance is probably trying to hide their location. 

Mace enters in his patriot suit to meet Coulson and Simmons. (Omg another major YES?? Mace as the Patriot, omg wow I have been waiting for this day) “I’m Jeffrey Mace, welcome to S.H.I.E.L.D” OMG YESSSS. He apologies for the hoods and says that trust is a luxury these days. (Yes Hydra, we’re looking at you). 

Jemma and Coulson introduce themselves and Coulson has a major fanboy moment. “Wow. I can’t believe it’s really you. The Patriot. The Inhuman leader of the Resistance. He’s kind of a big deal!” He tells Simmons. (Yes Coulson, this is totally what we were all thinking!!!) Mace is all nonchalant about it and says that he can just call him Jeffrey because the Patriot’s a bit much for his taste. Coulson continues admiring Mace and his suit. (I mean, Jeffrey Mace, as the Patriot?? I would be doing that too) Finally getting to see Mace as an Inhuman is definitely a refreshing change in the Framework. (Compared to the real world where he’s human and has to take injections to be strong). 

They’re at S.H.I.E.L.D HQ, albeit a little run down, Simmons asks Mace what happened here and Mace tells them that a brave agent name Billy Koenig gave up his life to get him the location. (Sounds familiar aye? haha) Mace says that the early days were tough and a lot of good agents died to get this place up and running and we see a wall of the names of agents. 

Simmons walk by the S.H.I.E.L.D lab only this time it’s actually a hiding zone for the Potentials (people who have the Inhuman gene or have a relative who did). The place gives some semblance to them living as refugees until The Resistance can find a safe place to relocate them to.

Skye follows May down the hallway who tells her that Madame Hydra requested for Skye for the meeting and they enter the room where Fitz is giving a briefing to take down Simmons the subversive who’s apparently planning to take down Madame Hydra. “We will defeat these terrorists and make society great again”. (Lol I see what you did there Fitz, pretty subtle but I see you). Anyway, how can Fitz be planning to take down the love of his life, Simmons. Noooo and they somehow decided that Skye should be a part of this? Nooo. Also, “Hail Hydra” the agents chime in after Fitz gives his briefing. (Why doesn’t S.H.I.E.L.D have a catchy tag line too? )

Hope questions Mack about why the Inhuman guy from earlier was taken away if he didn’t do anything wrong. He tells her that she catches on quick but they should mind their own business for their own good and if they wanted to take her away he would take care of it. (aww Mack and Hope are too precious, his paternal instincts are kicking in, in the most adorable way)

Ward enters the Resistance hideout and tells Mace that Skye has been compromised. Mace reassures Ward and says that he has nothing to worry about since she’s pretty tough from what Ward told him. Simmons asks Ward if Skye managed to get Radcliffe’s location and he reaches for the paper Skye gave but says that Skye hasn’t been acting like herself since Simmons got here. Simmons is triggered but all for good measure since Ward was the double agent that betrayed them in the real world but he’s having trust issues with her now. Mace steps in to say that Simmons is only here because he trusts Ward and not her. Wow. (Mace is savage and what a turn of events though).

Skye’s coordinates lead to Ogygia, east of Bermuda. Simmons says that they have to get to Radcliffe ASAP but Mace says that they don’t have the manpower to do so. Coulson asks Mace to send them instead and he politely says that this is a spy organisation and Coulson is a teacher. (gahahha the irony though). He eventually agrees after Ward says that he’ll go with them and supervise them. 

Skye, May and the team of Hydra agents head to none other than Mace’s house where the agents subdue him and pull his daughter away from him while Skye watches.

Coulson, Ward, Mace and Simmons enter the hangar where Mace tells them he envisions Quinjets to be flying from here in the future. Simmons smiles and looks at Coulson and says “Imagine”. (HAHAHA imagine indeed. Since it’s real in the real world. ) 

Coulson questions why Simmons didn’t tell Mace and Ward that this reality was fake but she said that it wasn’t a lie but simply an omission of the truth since Coulson is the only one who remembers how things should be. Ward leads them into the Quinjet.

Mack is in the interrogation room with May and he asks her why he and Hope are being treated this way when they didn’t do anything wrong, especially Hope since she’s just a kid. May says that that doesn’t mean that she’s innocent and Mack says that he will do anything if they won’t hurt Hope. 

Back on the Quinjet, Ward asks Simmons if Radcliffe is dangerous to which she responds with “Maybe not physically but sometimes the greatest threats are the ones right in front of you”. (Ooooo damn that burn though haha). Good Ward looks away with guilt and says “I’m Sorry.” (huh. wait what??!?!?!). “I should have never left Skye. “ Jemma and Us : “Oh”. (Lol Ward almost took me for a leap there when he apologised. I thought he was apologising about betraying them in the real world but I guess now is not the time for it, yet.) He gives Simmons a speech about how Skye means everything to him and that he would die for her to protect her. (oooo is this some foreshadowing?) Simmons is not having any of it and she tells Ward that she’ll give him a minute. (Or do you mean give yourself a minute, Simmons? HAHA)

Simmons heads over to talk to Coulson and reassures him that he’s not crazy to which he responds, “I live alone and make my own soap.”(lol Coulson, hahaha I seriously cannot deal with you and your handmade soap HAHAHA) Simmons gives Coulson a pep talk and tells him that he’s exactly where he’s meant to be.

Back at the Triskelion, (what a cool name btw), Fitz or rather Leopold as Madame Hydra calls him is looking at the computer to find the Simmons is dead and confronts her about it and demands that she tell him the truth. (that slam on the table was kind of funny though, coming from Fitz) but anyway, she tells him that Simmons came from the other side aka the real world and is here to take them down and that everything she does is so that she and Fitz can be together. Still cringy but ok. I guess AIDA always had a soft spot for Fitz since he was the one that saved her in the real world and was the only one who showed sympathy towards her. All she ever wanted was to be human and have feelings and she was finally able to live that out in the Framework. Thus, she won’t let anyone destroy her perfect reality. She receives a text about a security breach and tells Fitz that they will finish this later. She leaves the room while Fitz looks distraught, almost as if he remembers Simmons. 

Skye is in another interrogation room with Hope and Hope is worried about her dad and says that all of this is not his fault at all and that she Hope he’s okay. (hurhur sorry I couldn’t resist). Skye enters Mack’s interrogation room and he tells her that she knows who she is and I’m just like omg yessss until we realize that May told Mack to say that. Damn it Mack! We were all rooting for you but he did agree that he would do anything to save his daughter. Skye is shook and she leaves the interrogation room where May and the other Hydra agents starts chasing her. 

Ward, Coulson and Simmons arrive at Ogygia to extract Radcliffe. Ward approaches a hobo looking Radcliffe playing cricket? and tells him to drop his weapon aka the cricket stick? lol hahaha ok. 

“Drop it” - Ward

“Hive? No. It can’t be.” - Radcliffe

“Hello again, you traitor” - Simmons

“Surprise” - Coulson

while Radcliffe looks around at Ward, Simmons and Coulson surrounding him in utter disbelief. He tells them that they’re all not meant to be here and realizes that Ward is not Hive. This scene makes it for me where Simmons and Coulson finally get to face Radcliffe and chide him for getting all of them into this mess. Simmons demands that Radcliffe help them rescue everyone and get them out of here. To which he replies, “I’m afraid there’s no getting out of here”. Dun dun dun. 

Back at the Triskelion where Skye is trying to escape, she enters a lift full of Hydra agents and manages to subdue them. She runs down the stairs but May has her surrounded. She drops her weapons as the agents kick her down while May watches with a smug look on her face. (Omg nooo may this isn’t supposed to happen).

At Ogygia, Radcliffe tells the others that he never intended for this to happen that the Framework was supposed to be a paradise where everyone lived happily after but it all went wrong. Ward has had enough of this and just wants to extract Radcliffe and go back to HQ but Radcliffe pleads with them to leave him alone when we see a female figure walking by. It’s Agnes as Simmons recognizes her. Radcliffe asks them to leave them out of this and Simmons asks Radcliffe for the way out. She tells him that their way out has been compromised and he realizes that Aida knows that they’re here. Soon after, a Quinjet arrives on the Island and Radcliffe asks them all to run and hide.

Wow. They’re seriously channeling some Darth Vader vibes here. Madame Hydra, Fitz and the legion of hydra agents arrive. They’re here to find the subversives aka Coulson and Simmons. She has a confrontation with Radcliffe. He tells her that this has gone way out of hand to which she responds that she has done what he’s asked of her. To take away their greatest regret and to protect the framework. What happened is not up to her. He responds that she has put herself into the Framework and has been manipulating it to get what she wants. To which she responds with “It’s okay to lie to save a life. You taught me that.”(Oh snappp, shots were fired) Radcliffe calls her Aida and says that her programming went wrong and she is triggered. She threatens Radcliffe not to call her that here. Fitz returns with a subversive, Agnes. Agnes asks Holden(Radcliffe) what is going on.

Mack hugs Hope in the hallway as they are reunited while a beaten up Skye passes by them.

 “Hydra thanks you for your service” -May

“Hail Hydra” - Mack 

Omg Mack how could you have done this to Skye?! Sigh.

Radcliffe tries to convince Fitz that he’s from the real world and that this is just an alternate reality that Aida created but Fitz doesn’t believe him and kills Agnes. Jemma screams “Noooooo” at Fitz tearfully as she couldn’t believe that he would kill Agnes in cold blood. Fitz looks at Jemma with a shocked face as the Hydra agents chase Simmons, Coulson and Ward. They run to the Quinjet in the nick of time and take off. 

Back at base, Mace is furious. Ward had a shot on the doctor aka Fitz and could have killed him to save Agnes’s life but he didn’t fire because Simmons told Ward that she’s in love with Fitz (the psychopath in Mace’s words, hahaha) They demand asnwers from Simmons as to why she’s been acting this way. Simmons bursts out and says that none of this is real and they’re all not real. 

The door opens and one of the S.H.I.E.L.D agents has found  Mack around their HQ. Mack tells them what happened to Skye and Ward asks if she’s okay. Mack tells them that for the first time, he couldn’t look his little girl in the eye because he felt guilty for what he did to Skye and tells them that he’s here to help.

Whew omg yesss the team is finally back together. Minus evil fitz of course. The scene ends and we hear Aida/ Madame Hydra ‘s voice saying the classic “we’ll return in a moment” with the Hydra symbol in the background. Wow they’re really committing to this with the Hydra symbols everywhere and Madame Hydra doing the voiceover instead of Coulson with Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. 

Back at Hydra headquarters,Radcliffe is being tortured while Skye is in another holding room listening. Fitz walks in and Skye tells him that they know each other from the other world. As the Hydra agents take her away, she tells him that he doesn’t want to do this to which he responds with. “Yes. yes I do. I guess you don’t know me at all.”

Thoughts on the episode

Damnnnnnn this episode was insaneeee. Iain de caestecker is so good at playing evil fitz tho. But poor Skye. I really hope the others manage to save her in the next episode. Really happy about all the skyeward scenes and Coulson learning how to be an agent again. Also good guy ward is absolutely perfect. Can we please upload him into an LMD and bring him back to the real world? Although, he most likely will die trying to save Skye and the others aka Poetic Justice. I guess Radcliffe kind of got what he had coming all along. A vengeful Aida for the way that he treated her in the real world, as a tool and a pawn in his game of war. He shoved her aside when he didn’t need her and then used her to get what he wanted. Aida got what she wanted, human feelings and Fitz to accompany her. 

I’m really loving what they’ve done with making this world super Hydra-fied with the symbols, sculptures and voice overs. Even down to the smallest detail. Kudos to the crew. 

The title “Identity and Change” is really at the heart of this episode. As we see Coulson struggling with his identity, how Ward has changed for the better in this world and also how Daisy and Simmons are dealing with their own identity and the changes in the Framework. Simmons also revealed to Mace and Ward that this world is fake and I’m wondering how they will handle that news. Fitz on the other hand, seems to be hard to get through to at the moment. Both Radcliffe and Daisy tried to get through to him but failed as he chose Aida (Madame Hydra) and being on the evil side over them. I must say that Aida is really clever though, to have found the loophole in Radcliffe’s plan and exploit it to her own advantage. She also leverages on using Fitz’s love for her to convince him to not trust Radcliffe and Skye. That might have worked but it seems that Fitz enjoys being evil or he’s really in denial and trying to push away Radcliffe, Skye and Simmons who might remind him of who he was in the real world. 

I can’t wait for the next episode to come! I’m really loving this Framework Arc. I hope Skye gets rescued and we get to see more Skyeward scenes. And I can’t wait to see the gang back in action again. And maybe Mace using some of his Inhuman powers as the Patriot.  I also hope that we get to see the rest of the Resistance. Maybe Bobbie and Hunter? heh

Whew that’s all for now. Till the next recap! :)