#yes even after getting pony and mark jumped again you didn’t deserve to be made into a joke and tossed in front of your yard alone while

[youllneverseeonascreen]

I can’t think about Angela Shepherd in That Was Then or else I’ll start crying.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

yknow while this hellsite continues on the whole religion discussion thing, i’d like to jump in on it with my experience particularly with leaving catholic school.

like aside from my angsty pop-punk/emo etc teen phase (which’ll obvs be weaved into story later on) that led me to have different views from the church and aside from the whole sexism thing that i endured over my year 10 formal/junior prom in 2010 and 2011 from staff there….. i found it within myself incredibly hard to leave there… mostly because i’d known literally 1/3 of my year group at catholic school since kindy/kindergarten or some other point in primary school.

this affected my choice to leave and it was quite tumultuous inwardly. knowing the safety and predictably of the people i was with for all those years was a comfort to me. i knew their parents due to parent mixer bbqs that we’d have after mother’s day and father’s day liturgies- although i hated the mother’s day ones mostly, due to personal reasons. but to leave that comfortable place for overly loyal, kinda sorta shy (although everyone who knew me at that school wouldn’t’ve described me as shy bc i was a very loud show off because of drama class 😅) and by year 10, very lonely, highly socially anxious and depressed, teen me was terrifying. it meant losing her friends and stability and she obvs hated that thought. it meant leaving the one one place she ever felt good at something, drama class.

obviously, after she did leave for public school, she visited the catholic school on a few separate occasions, to try and keep the connection “alive” or whatever the fuck she wrote in a fake deep status on her fb (that i now get in my fb memories every year lmao). but it all ended pretty badly, when everyone from that school stopped talking to her once high school finished. no one invited her out. or if people did try to invite her out, like a couple of people did, it always fell through…. and it made her feel like she was just a bad luck charm or whatever other low self esteem talk she was telling herself. there was quite a few moody statuses around that too lmao.

but yeah. leaving catholic school was a massive thing for me back then, because even though i hadn’t gone to church on sunday for literal Y E A R S at that point; i still had a strong pull to that school because i’d known SO MANY kids at that school from primary/elementary/grade etc school, regardless of their year group level. because if there’s one thing catholic school was good at, it was networking 😂. you knew everyone, and everyone knew you. it was safe, it was sound, so i didn’t want to leave.

but once you leave, you lose your friends and what almost felt like an extended family (although they obvs weren’t). but at the same time, i’d grown to hate the safety and almost insularity of the school, because as i mentioned earlier, you felt like you could predict how people would react or behave in class/events etc.

i felt the above distinctly, because as i’ve mentioned plenty on here, from years 7-10 i was a very emotionally demonstrative kid. in some classes (mostly religion and PE when i was bothered to participate) i’d end up in shouting matches with the teacher or other students…. or y’know just have a casual meltdown in the middle of class, which many people saw as “attention seeking” behaviour. i felt watched, i felt ready to snap, and to quote the ever present All Time Low i felt like the bridge lyrics from “therapy” (which was/is quite obviously somewhat partially about the price of fame and hollywood imo- but that went over teen me’s head at the time lmao):

“arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to, they’re better off without you (better off without you). arrogant boy, cause a scene like you’re supposed to, they’ll fall asleep without you; you’re lucky if your memory remains”

like yes. i’ll admit those bridge lyrics being applied to this time is rather overdramatic, in hindsight, but hey. that was teen me for ya lmao. and don’t even get me started on applying ATL’s song “sick little games” to this at the time as well 😂😅. anyway. from all the “lms and i’ll tell you what i like about you” trend statuses that people were doing back then on fb, i’d gained the tag of “cool/chill girl”, my crush rich boy, once called me “outrageous” because of how loud i was and how willing in years 7-9 to scream out stupid song lyrics like “i want to fuck dog in the ass” by blink 182, fight song by marilyn manson and then idek probably my humps by black eyed peas at the top my lungs through the very few halls that that school had 😂😅. i was being purposely and annoyingly offensive most of the time.

but eventually, once it came to things like one of the girls in my group wanting to run for vice school captain and the other girls in my group A L W A Y S being given leadership positions (LPs)….. while i always had to apparently “repent” my behaviour by being made (in theory from my teachers) to sit alone at lunch because of my “embarrassing” and “unseemly” behaviour at the so-called “training”/ “retreat” days we had for things like being peer support leaders for the new cohort of year 7s etc etc. i felt like everyone was just waiting for me to leave…. and that they couldn’t stand my “embarrassing” presence and that i’d ruin my friends chances of being selected as co-captain or whatever other bullshit LPs they wanted to run for. but still. i felt like i couldn’t leave. just. how do you leave a bunch of people that you’ve known for so long???

and even when my teachers were nice enough to give me a chance in a leadership position once; in that dastardly bullshit internet safety workshop thing that they should’ve literally just hired a professional workshop co. to do….. but to save money they used students in my year group instead. so, instead of being marked by my teachers on this program; i was marked by the catholic education office. they had a lady come in from the ceo to judge/mark us while presenting…… and this lady went off at teen me for “not being professional, responsible and respectful” or whatever the fuck the woman told 15/16yo me…. which teen me then fired back with “i don’t have to be fucking professional and responsible!!!! IM FUCKING 15!!!!”.. so from then on i was never given an LP or any other type of “peer support” role against my friends who were littered with offers for them. mind you, i did call a whole room of 14 year olds “a bunch of cunts” or the like and then stormed out thinking that i’d made a solid point, so the CEO woman had a good reason 😂😅….. again in hindsight.

of course there was also the bitterness of teen me being angry at the english dept for not giving her a spot in the top class of english in her half of the year. but as i’ve said previously on other posts, i’ve forgiven this because i did essentially fail one shakespeare in class assessment in year 8 or year 9 😂. but i strongly felt this during my time at catholic school bc my friends believed that i should’ve been in the top english class too lmao.

but aside from those troubles and foibles, i still found it incredibly hard to leave. to leave the perceived closeness of that group of girls, who would sometimes walk me down to the office and sit with me in “purple room” while i waited for the teacher that had to act as my therapist almost lmao. even though i always told my friends to leave me be and go back to class bc i felt bad about dragging them out of class for so long.

but yeah. with all the above behaviour, the song lyrics to me at the time made sense bc teen me just felt so pressured to fit into the whole “funny, cool, outrageous girl” bs box that people had put her in…. but at the same time she wanted to escape it bc she was just *flyleaf voice* SO SICK of being laughed at instead of laughed with (atl weightless reference here kids) just because… like she DESERVED to be taken seriously for fucks sake, and not a be a “monkey do funny dance” person… she obvs felt this the most in drama class. where in the shakespeare unit, she picked a medley of romeo and juliet and taming of the shrew monologues to do for her monologue. although she nearly did lady macbeth throwing herself off the tower, to be hella edgy…. but she opted not to do that in the end. but she picked serious pieces bc she was sick and tired of being classed as the one trick pony go-to funny person.

okay. this really went off topic. but y’all get the point??? the decision of leaving catholic school was a hell of a ride for little 14-16yo me. it was confusing, terrifying and tied up in years of being overly judged and feeling like people wanted me to leave bc they were sick of me. it was tied up in years of mid-class meltdowns that had become kind of routine for me to have, and that people were just brushing me off as “attention seeking”…. but also ironically waiting for me to snap at any second for another wild shouting match or walkout; which would then make me look like i was “unruly” or “untameable/unmanageable” or whatever the fuck….. but i couldn’t take that anymore, for the final senior years. i HAD to leave it.

again it was hard to leave for loyal little teen me, despite how lonely and isolated she felt. why leave your friends when you’re comfortable??? but also: why stay in this toxic environment where people are just waiting for you to either shut the fuck up and put up with it or just blow up and absolutely lose your shit??? that’s just unhealthy asf. and the only unruly thing that’s happening here is the complete lack of mental health help or management in the aussie education system; but most especially in religious schools.

[wren-fell]

Stuck in Borderland

Chapter 3: Confrontation

Sayaka finally interacts with everyone’s favorite smirking little shit. Will it be romantic and like a fairytale? Spoiler: No.

Sayaka, Madoka, Kaoru, Daichi, and Akiko are original characters, all other characters belong to Haro Aso.

Warnings: language, gun violence, threats, talk of death

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Sayaka sat in the back of the car letting the wind whip her hair as they sped back to the beach. She was exhausted. Both mentally and physically and wanted nothing more than to go up to her room and bury herself in the blankets of her bed.

Daichi pulled the car up to the Beach just as two other teams were returning. Sayaka climbed out, and stretched her arms above her head with a yawn.

“Sayaka!” she turned her head around to see Madoka waving to her from one of the other cars. She jumped out and ran over to Sayaka, “I’m glad you made it out okay.”

“Yea, I’m all good. How did your team do?” She asked.

“Uh…” she hesitated casting a glance over her shoulder at her team. There should’ve been four people at the car, but there were only two, “we had some casualties…” she whispered.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Sayaka didn’t know what to say. She was glad Madoka was okay, but finding out two others had died for these stupid games was always upsetting.

“Do you want to grab something to eat?” Madoka asked.

“No… I think I just want to crash,” Sayaka yawned, and Madoka nodded.

They both started heading towards the Beach entrance when Kuzuryu called out to them, “Sayaka I need you to come with me.”

She stopped dead and turned around slowly, “why?”

“We need to speak with the executives about your results.”

“I failed, what else is there to say?” she asked confused.

“Just come with me,” Kuzuryu replied and started towards the door with Daichi and Kaoru in tow. Sayaka hesitated.

“Go,” Madoka said nodding to him, “it’ll be worse if you don’t.”

“Yea…”

“Good luck. I’ll see you after,” Madoka said giving her a weak smile.

Sayaka nodded and slowly followed after Kuzuryu. Why does it feel like I’m walking to my death? She cast a glance towards Daichi and Kaoru as she was lead through the hallways. Did arguing with Kuzuryu make her a traitor?

They passed the two militants that were guarding the entrance to the executive meeting room and Kuzuryu paused at the door, “we’re going to go over your results with the other executives.”

Sayaka could see Kaoru out of the corner of her eye snickering with one of the guard militants. She turned her head to look at him and he made the motion of a knife across his throat, and she scowled.

“Daichi,” Sayaka said turning to him as he nodded towards her, “thank you for helping during the game.”

She turned her head back to Kaoru and gave him a glare, “Kaoru, you can choke,” she snarled.

Kuzuryu sighed and silenced Kaoru before he could start screaming, “and please try and be respectful,” he mumbled. Sayaka flashed him a smile as he opened the door and led her inside.

Again Sayaka was stood at the front of the room like a prized pony, while the executives sat at the table staring at her. Niragi licked his lips and cocked an eyebrow in her direction, Aguni and Ann looked irritated and like they had better things to do, Hatter praised Kuzuryu as he handed him the 6 of Diamonds card they had collected, and Chishiya… Chishiya who had been stalking her since her arrival yet never spoken to her, smirked and waved. Sayaka felt her eye twitch, and balled her hands up at her side trying to stop herself from saying something stupid, or lunging across the room and giving him the smack he so rightfully deserved.

“So good to see you Sayaka!” Hatter finally greeted her, “so how did our little executive in training do Kuzuryu?” He asked turning to him.

“She failed.” There was a heavy silence in the room, and Sayaka could feel her face drain of color as Niragi leaned forward shifting his rifle.

“I thought she was super smart or some shit?” Niragi asked. Don’t say anything.

“Such a pity,” Mira a girl wearing all black, and with double sets of bangs cooed. Don’t say anything.

“Did the game not go well?” Hatter asked.

“Sayaka was unable to answer some of the questions on her own, and we made it out with only 30 seconds left,” Kuzuryu replied.

“You helped with the questions Kuzuryu?” Mira asked. Don’t say anything.

“Myself and some of the others in the group, because Sayaka was unable to complete them.” Don’t say anything.

“So she lied?” Niragi asked, “she’s an idiot and just got lucky—“

“I didn’t fucking lie! I never asked to be an executive!” Sayaka snapped.

Niragi laughed, “oh! We got a live one here.”

“You couldn’t complete the questions Sayaka,” Kuzuryu said.

“Neither could you! I’m not a fucking genius, and it was a high level diamonds game! If you wanted to die be my fucking guest!” She snapped gesturing towards him.

“WOOOOO!” Niragi whooped, “are you going to take that Kuzuryu?”

Kuzuryu stared at Sayaka with a frown, “you should’ve been able to figure them out.”

“What did you want me to do? It was a trivia game. There were no tricks, you knew it or you didn’t! If you want to die go ahead, I’ll gladly remember that for the next game.”

Niragi was on his feet swinging his gun towards Sayaka, “is that a threat?” He leaned his head back and cocked an eyebrow.

Sayaka glared at him, but kept her mouth shut as he walked towards her, “ya know? If she isn’t executive material, why don’t you let the militants keep her?” he asked glancing back at Hatter before leaning close to her face sticking out his tongue, so she could see the silver stud, “I think we can show her a really good time.”

“Not interested,” Sayaka snarled.

“Ooooohhhh, what are you going to do about it sweetheart?” he laughed pushing the barrel of his gun into her bare stomach, “or I could just kill you, since you’re so uninterested in the Beach.”

“Go ahead shoot me. You’ll never be able to get all my blood out of this carpet, and this place will fucking reek,” she hissed. She felt the barrel of the gun press harder into her stomach, but Sayaka held Niragi’s gaze. If she was going to die she was going to die being the biggest pain in the ass she could be.

“Niragi that’s enough,” Hatter said. Niragi hesitated licking his lips again as he continued to stare at Sayaka.

“Niragi.” Aguni finally spoke. Niragi pulled the rifle out of Sayaka’s stomach leaving a distinct circular barrel mark on her skin. He lumbered over and plopped back down at the table beside Aguni.

“Sayaka…” She dragged her eyes away from Niragi over to Hatter as he leaned over the table leaning his face against his laced fingers, “what did you do in the old world?”

“I was a chemist,” she replied.

“She excelled at the science and human body questions during the challenge,” Kuzuryu chimed in.

“Sayaka, did you have access to chemicals?” Hatter asked.

Sayaka froze staring at him. What on Earth would they need chemicals for? “Yes, I did…” Hatter’s eyebrows raised and as he raised his head to speak Sayaka interrupted, “but, with how degraded everything in the city is and no electricity. Most of them would have decayed by now.”

There was a long pause and Sayaka scanned everyone’s faces trying to see if they believed her. Ann and Aguni still looked unbothered, Hatter and Kuzuryu were unreadable, and Mira was giving her a fake smile that gave her the creeps. Chishiya was the only one looking at her leaning back in his chair with that stupid smirk still on his face. She felt scrutinized like she was a bug under a microscope when he looked at her, but she held his stare.

“That’s a shame,” Hatter spoke after a moment of silence. Sayaka dragged her eyes away from Chishiya back to Hatter, “well Sayaka. We’re sorry that you didn’t pass the executive test, but happy to have you at the Beach. Continue to follow the rules, and please enjoy the Beach,” he said dropping his head and holding out his arms.

Sayaka sucked in her bottom lip and nodded, “thank you Hatter,” she mumbled and hesitated before turning to the door to leave.

As her hand held the doorknob he spoke up again, “and Sayaka.” She turned her head to look at him nervously, “we’ll be watching you. I still think you can do great things for our cause,” he smiled.

Sayaka drew in a shaky breath, but nodded, “okay…” and she dove out the door.

 Sayaka walked into the lobby her head still reeling. How had that gone so wrong? As she was watching her feet move she noticed the circular imprint on her stomach from the barrel of Niragi’s gun. Slowly she ran her fingers over it. How could anyone think this place was paradise? “Let’s go home…” How could anyone think this place was home?

“Sayaka?” She jumped as Madoka put a hand on her arm, “I’ve been calling your name for like five minutes. Are you okay? How did the meeting go?”

Sayaka stared at her for a second before nodding, “yea, yea I’m fine. It went…” she paused, “I need a drink.”

“You want to go to the bar?” Madoka asked. Sayaka stared at her before nodding hurriedly.

“Yes.”

 Sayaka slammed her glass onto the bar, leaned her head back, and let out a long breath, “oh that’s so much better.”

Madoka laughed holding up her hand, “bartender we need another one over here!”

Sayaka ran her hands through her hair holding her bangs away from her face, “thank you Madoka.”

“So you were serious? You not only argued with Kuzuryu during the game, but also during the meeting!? And yelled at the executives?” Madoka asked.

“Yessss,” Sayaka cooed as she took the new glass of rum and coke from the bartender, “they fucking deserved it. Especially Chishiya, stupid, smug, little prick,” she grumbled sipping at her drink.

Madoka laughed, “you haven’t even spoken to him. How can you hate him so much?”

“Because he’s always got that stupid smug smile on his face, and it makes me just want to punch him,” she mumbled bringing the glass back to her lips.

“Oh pleaseeee,” she cooed leaning over the bar, “if anything I think you think he’s cuuutteeee.”

“I do not!” Sayaka snapped.

“You should just hook up and get it out of the way,” Madoka mumbled bringing her cocktail to her lips with her eyebrows raised.  

“EW! I’m not in the borderlands for a hook up!”

“None of us are, but it’s the Beach way!” Madoka called holding her arms out with a laugh.

“I would have to have a lot more drinks,” Sayaka laughed. She leaned over to look past Madoka as Akiko walked up to the far side of the bar.

“Hey, she was on my team tonight,” Sayaka mumbled, “Akiko!”

Akiko looked up at Sayaka as she waved her over, “hi Sayaka.”

“Why don’t you have a drink with us?” Sayaka held up her glass.

“I don’t want to interrupt you and your friend,” she said glancing at Madoka who waved a hand at her.

“No, no join us! I’m Madoka.”

“I’ll get us some more drinks,” Sayaka said waving down the bartender.  

“Akiko settle something for us,” Madoka started as the bartender passed the drinks down to them.

“Okay.”

“Chishiya the executive. Cute or not?”

“Madoka!” Sayaka snapped, as Madoka erupted into giggles.

“It’s just a question Sayaka!” she turned to Akiko, “cute or not?”

“Mmm…” Akiko sipped on her drink as she thought about it, “to be honest I haven’t seen him much. Especially not without the hoodie, but I’d say he’s cute,” she decided with a nod.

“See Sayaka, he’s cute, even Akiko thinks so,” Madoka said turning to her.

“Why Sayaka do you like him?” Akiko asked.

“No!” Red was starting to creep up Sayaka’s cheeks.

“Bullshit, she’s got a major thing for him,” Madoka laughed.

“I do not!”

“Have you guys talked much?” Akiko chewed on her straw.

“No! That’s the thing, he’s been like stalking me since I got here, and I’ve never even talked to him,” she sipped on her drink, “he’s freaking creep.”

“You still think he’s cute though,” Madoka mumbled swirling her glass.

“Ugh,” Sayaka rolled her eyes. She watched Akiko as she giggled and sipped at her drink, “speaking of boys at the beach. Akiko,” her eyes flitted up to her, “are you and Kaoru together?”

Akiko hesitated, and swallowed her drink with difficulty, “yea, I guess you could say that.”

“Did you know him before the borderland?” Sayaka asked.

“No.”

“Then why are you with him?”

Akiko paused, “I just…” she drew in a deep breath, “he keeps me safe. He’s a militant, so he’s got the guns and the perks, and I just want to survive…”

Sayaka watched her chewing on her lower lip, “how old are you Akiko?”

“20.”

“Take it from me. This isn’t going to end how you want it to.”

“I know… but,” Akiko swirled her glass, “he makes me feel safe, and like this is even a little bit like the old world.”

Sayaka sighed, “I dated guys like him in the old world. Not worth it,” she sipped on her drink.

“Yea me too,” Madoka grumbled.

“Yea, but what else can I do?” Akiko mumbled.

“You can just dump him and move on. I mean Akiko he treated you like crap the entire game!” Sayaka said gesturing to over her shoulder.

“I know…”

“So, you just gotta get rid of him, he isn’t going to help you get out of here,” Sayaka paused to sip her drink, “especially if only one of us can leave,” she added quietly.

“Yea, but how?” Akiko asked, “you saw how he can get. He wouldn’t take goodbye for an answer.”

“We’ll help you,” Sayaka replied.

“Yea! Girl power!” Madoka called sitting up straight and flexing her arms.

“Yea like you’re any kind of powerful,” Sayaka snorted.

“Of course I am,” Madoka laughed.

“You’re a drunk mess is what you are.” They all laughed.

“Thank you guys, really I appreciate you being so kind to me,” Akiko smiled.

“Yea, yea, yea of course. We’re nice people,” Madoka nodded touching Akiko’s arm, “just don’t take Sayaka’s food,” she whispered before giggling.

“Shut up!”

They all sat laughing, talking, and drinking. Sayaka leaned her head back to sip on her drink, when something white out of the corner of the bar caught her eye. Slowly she brought the glass down and glanced over her shoulder, and sure enough there was the telltale white hoodie. Chishiya was leaning against the doorway to the bar, hands in the pockets of his white hoodie, and the hood pulled over his face, but she could still see the stupid smirk curling his lips.

“That stupid smirking little, UGH!” Sayaka slammed her glass on the bar making Madoka jump.

“What the fuck are you—“ She leaned over to look behind Sayaka to see what she was staring at, “oh,” she snorted, “your biggest fan is here.”

“Even now that I’m not in the running to be an executive, he’s still watching me!” Sayaka snarled.

“Eh just ignore him if it’s bothering you that much. He totally knows you know, and I think he’s just fucking with you now,” Madoka mumbled bringing her glass to her lips.

Sayaka glared at his reflection in the mirror behind the bar, “I’m gonna give him a piece of my mind.”

“What?” Madoka raised her head.

“I’m gonna go confront him, and tell him to cut the shit!” Sayaka snapped slamming her hands on the bar.

“Sayaka you’ve already fought with the executives once today do you really think this is a good idea?” Madoka asked.

“Just let it go,” Akiko agreed.

“No, he wants to follow me. Fine! Let’s see what he wants!” Sayaka threw her head back finishing her drink.

“Sayaka no!” Madoka hissed as Sayaka stood up and sharply turned to the doorway only to see that Chishiya was already gone.

“Come back here,” she growled and ran out of the bar.

Madoka sighed, “she’s going to get herself killed…”

“We should go after her,” Akiko suggested.

Madoka paused before nodding, “yea, yea we should,” she turned back to the bar, “right after I finish my drink,” she said lifting her glass.

 Sayaka followed Chishiya’s white hoodie down the hallway towards the lobby.

“I’m going to find out what you fucking want,” she grumbled as she walked a little faster. She was tired, still pissed off from the executive meeting, and had maybe had too many drinks.

Sayaka rounded the corner into the lobby only to see he was gone. She stopped breathing heavily and looked around, “where the fuck did you go?”

“Ugh,” she ran her hands through her hair and sighed. She turned around to go back to the bar, and nearly ran straight into Chishiya.

Jumping backwards Sayaka drew in a sharp breath, “fuck!” He didn’t say anything just raised an eyebrow at her and stood there smirking, “what is your problem!?” Sayaka snapped.

He didn’t say anything, so Sayaka continued, “why are you following me!? What do you want?”

“Nothing.”

Sayaka paused, “nothing? Then why are you doing it? I’m not an executive candidate anymore.”

“I never cared about that.”

Sayaka hesitated, “then why are you doing it?”

“Who said I was following you?” He quirked an eyebrow and Sayaka stared at him while he continued, “the Beach isn’t that big, and I’m sure there’s one other person here wearing a white hoodie,” he teased.

Sayaka drew in a deep breath, “what do you want Chishiya? I’m not stupid.”

“You certainly didn’t prove that with your outburst to the executives.”

Sayaka sharply sucked in a breath, “if I’m so stupid why are you watching me?”

That seemed to be the magic question because he let out a breathy laugh bringing his head down making his blonde bangs cover his face, “trying to see how useful you could be.”

Sayaka hesitated, “what the fuck does that mean?”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said simply.

Sayaka stared at him and let out a breath her shoulders dropping, “fine… I’ll just ignore you like everyone else,” she mumbled and walked past him.

“If you’re going to give up that easily, maybe you aren’t as interesting as I thought,” he said, and she whipped back around ready to smack the smirk off his face, but he was already walking away.

“So? How did it go?” Sayaka sighed as Madoka and Akiko walked up to her.

“He’s still an asshole,” she grumbled turning to face her.

Madoka laughed and nodded, “yea didn’t think you were really going to get anywhere with that.”

Sayaka nodded, “yea, I guess not.”

“You want to get another drink?” Akiko asked pointing over her shoulder.

“Sure.” They all agreed and turned to head back to the bar, but stopped when someone whistled loudly.

“Hey Akiko!” They all turned as Kaoru walked towards them from across the lobby holding out his arms, “hey babe I thought we were going to celebrate tonight?”

Akiko hesitated glancing at Sayaka who shook her head, “don’t go with him,” she hissed.

“Yea… I uh,” Akiko stuttered.

“Come on babe. Let’s go!” Kaoru motioned behind him, “you and your friend can come too Sayaka, if you want. Bet I can make up for your failure to be an executive,” he winked.

Sayaka grimaced, “not a chance.”

“Suit yourself bitch,” he shrugged, “come on Akiko!”

Akiko stared at him for a second before glancing at Sayaka with her eyebrows furrowed and a sad smile, “I’m sorry,” and she walked after Kaoru who threw an arm around her shoulders.

Sayaka sighed watching them go, “I can’t believe she’s going with him…”

“Everyone has different ways of surviving Sayaka. She thinks he’ll protect her. She’s just trying to make it through this,” Madoka murmured.

“Yea, but he won’t help her survive. He’ll sacrifice her if things come down to it…”

“It’s not our decision to make.”

“I know…”

There was a long pause between them, “let’s go get another drink.”

“Yea, that sounds good…”

[gustafsnightangel]

Shattered Lives Ch 31 Pt 2

The room erupted and Sildie was stunned, it was never supposed to be her. She looked at Gustaf and then Oliver.

“Sildie.” Gustaf’s quiet call of her name snapping her out of her shock. Everyone was on their feet as he stood and held out a hand to help her stand. “Breathe love, let the lawyer shine though.” He said quickly as he hugged her.

“Shit.” She breathed. “Fucking shit.” She muttered looking at him. Gustaf grinned as he heard the irritation in her voice. That tone of ’for fuck sake really?’ He watched his courtroom lawyer get a grip and knew she’d be fine until she sat down again.

She slammed the tears down, now was not the time to lose her shit. She took her award from Oliver, the weight of it in her hands oddly comforting.

“It’s not often you catch me without a legal pad full of notes for closing arguments but it seems Oliver has the upper hand tonight.” She smiled and the entire room laughed and took their seats. “And although I’m not one for skewing holes in defense counsel cases, I do tend to like roasting them over an open fire.”

Opposing counsel included Gustaf thought with a grin and glanced at Lucas remembering the day she wiped the floor with him.

She was going to have to dig deep and wing it. She focused on Gustaf, the calm in her storm. He subtly pointed at his heart and mouthed two words that made it easier. ’From here’, from her heart.

“I never considered myself a recipient when the Bar Association approached me to help create it. In all honesty, had Oliver told me I’d be receiving it I probably wouldn’t have turned up tonight.” She chuckled, the light chuckle from those in the audience that knew her made her smile. “My brother was a bright light. Full of life and love, an untapped soul of compassion that ran deep. Oliver had it right, he was ruthless in the courtroom as most of us can attest, but the one thing he would never waiver on was his humanity. We are all human he would say, and we all deserve respect and compassion, no matter our lot in life, no matter our station, no matter our past doings. Always innocent before proven guilty.” She looked at Gustaf to ground herself and took a breath. “Dana was my brothers better half.” She said sarcastically. “Literally.” She chuckled and the laughter rippled. “Dana was an old soul, her kindness unfathomable, her compassion for families, especially children, incredibly strong. Her mission in life was to mend as many families as possible, to help them reconcile or resolve their differences with as little disruption to the children’s lives as she could accomplish.” She looked at Gustaf his gaze hadn’t left hers, his love giving her the strength she needed. “The loss of two beautiful souls has left its mark on us all. The void they left behind can never be filled. I miss them.” She said simply. “I miss their laughter, their strength, their compassion, their counsel. But most of all I miss what they gave to the world, what they gave to their children, honesty, commitment, respect, love.” She choked on the last word and the room was silent. She had almost lost it.

“I’m honored to have been chosen to receive this prestigious award. I only hope I can continue to be worthy of it, to strive to be a better attorney, a better person. Thank you.”

As the room erupted in applause again she stepped away and sat back down as Oliver continued with the program.

“Breathe love.” He murmured. “Breathe and relax, it’s done.” He rested his arm along the back of the chair again and held her other hand in his lap, his thumb caressing the inside of her wrist, her hands were shaking violently.

She was a wreck on the inside, that hot prickle under her skin trying to gain the upper hand, on the outside the lawyer reigned supreme. Gustaf kissed her temple and stayed close, grounding her, making sure she knew she was safe, that she was loved. Oliver finished up and the band started, classic jazz and Christmas carols.

“Your boss has great taste in music.” He chuckled. “Come dance with me love.” He said gently. He didn’t want to push or rush her, but he wanted to get her alone, hold her close, and have her anxiety drop to a more manageable level.

“Sure.” She breathed, that tell tale wheeze starting to make its way out as she forced in oxygen. He helped her stand.

“Sildie?” Gustaf and Sildie turned to Lucas, hand in hand with his date.

“Not now.” Gustaf said flatly. He turned his back on them, using himself as a shield, and led her to the dance floor, pulling her in close. “I’m sorry, that was rude, but you need a moment to collect yourself.” He said gruffly.

“Thank you.” She sighed, and rested her head against his and closed her eyes. “I can’t deal with him yet, with anyone.” She’d never been more grateful to have him close to her, than right at this moment.

“That’s it love, relax. I’ve got you.” He murmured and danced her around the room, the movement and closeness leveling out her breathing. Occupying her mind with steps so she didn’t crush Gustaf’s toes helped. After the third song he felt her body yield, felt the calm settle over her again.

“I’m proud of you.” He said gently. “So very proud of you.” He kissed her temple, the slower song allowing them to dance cheek to cheek.

“I never wanted that damn award.” She chuckled. “It seemed a little silly for them to give it to me seeing as though I helped create it.”

“I don’t mean about that, though it’s very fitting and well deserved.” He said honestly. “I’m proud of you for coming here tonight, for saying what you needed to say to honor your brother. For being so damn strong. You’re incredible Sildie, don’t let anyone tell you different.” He kissed her, that slow loving kiss that blanked her mind. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She kissed him. “And thanks. I don’t think I would have made it through without you.”

“Together love, you and me. I think we make a pretty good team.” His smile was the one that made those crows feet at his eyes crinkle. She brushed her thumb over it.

“I’m so in love with you.” She kissed him, slow and sinful not giving a flying fuck who saw them. He loved her, why should she hide it? They were going to stare at them anyway.

“When would be a respectable time to leave so I can peel you out of this stunning dress and do wicked things to you?” He growled as he spun them, wondering if they could get back to the table to collect their things and disappear before Lucas caught up with her.

“A few more songs, I like this.” She said softly. “Being in your arms.” Her smile widening into a laugh as he dipped her.

“Fuck me you’re beautiful.” He murmured at her ear as he danced with her. “We can stay for however long you want, it’s all you love.” He wouldn’t let his ex get in the way of her happiness and right now this was making her happy, he’d deal with the other shit later.

His mind chewed over it as he danced. Hadn’t he spent enough time letting that bitch worm her way under his skin? Hadn’t he just spent months purging her from his life, his soul, his apartment? If you have then why the fuck are you letting her get under your skin now, that annoying voice in his head quipped. Don’t give her what she wants, that voice shouted, don’t let her see how much it hurts you, it’s what she wants, she wants a reaction. You promised Sildie to fight for her, for your relationship with her, well pony up. Don’t let Ana get between what you have with Sildie, again. He had to admit, that nagging little voice in his head had a point.

True to his word at the beginning of the evening, he danced for most of the night with her, keeping the rest of the room at bay. The music had slowed, her feet were starting to hurt but she was happy and relieved it was done. As the last song of the night started he kissed her, seductive, longing. As it ended he dipped her low and planted a kiss at the base of her throat, that peal of laughter making him smile.

Once upright they walked to the table and said their goodbyes. It looked as though Lucas had long since gone. Good, Gustaf thought, as he took a relieved breath. She didn’t need his crap tonight.

“Hang here I’ll get our coats.” He said softly and kissed her neck as she continued to talk with Elsa and Oliver. Her gentle squeeze of his hand telling him she was ok.

“Sildie, finally.” Lucas said with a smile as he brought his date over, he looked happy, happier than she’d seen him in ages. “I thought you’d never stop dancing.” He grinned.

“Hello Lucas.” Her tone cordial. She would not embarrass herself or the firm by making a scene. She would keep it all business. “It was good music.” She shrugged with a smile, trying to keep it light.

“I wanted to introduce you.” He said pointing at the blond by his side.

Then it clicked as she studied the woman up close, it was the smug smirk, the same one in the photo, the photo he burned along with the notebook. Oh fucking fuck, she thought, here we go, shit was about to get real.

“This is...”

“Ana.” She said keeping her voice even, plastering a polite knowing smile across her face. She would not play into their sick game, whatever the hell it was, and she would not jump to conclusions. There was something not quite right here, she could smell it.

“You two know each other?” Lucas looked at Ana, then Sildie, and she saw the genuine confusion on his face.

Ana hadn’t told him, interesting, she thought. What else hadn’t she told him, what else had she twisted around to paint Gustaf in an ugly light?

“Mutual friend.” Sildie said locking eyes with the woman that had caused her sweet man so much grief, so much pain. “Never had the pleasure of actually meeting in person.” Her tight smile fixed on her face as she saw the panic in Ana’s, the woman had visibly paled.

Yes, Sildie thought, you’re terrified I’m going to link you and Gustaf and your entire little facade with Lucas is going to crumble right before your eyes.

“Oh.” Lucas said a little surprised. “Mutual friend of mine or yours?” Lucas smiled, still clueless.

Sildie weighed her options and kept her eyes fixed on Ana. She saw the silent plea in the woman’s eyes for her not to voice that connection. No, Sildie thought, no you don’t get to play Lucas like this. He maybe an asshole sometimes but deep down he’s a good guy and doesn’t deserve the same fate as Gustaf at your hands.

“My mutual friend actually, Gustaf.” She said gently and looked at Lucas. The poor guy looked as if he’d been slapped in the face with a speeding freight train. He looked to Ana with bewilderment, those eyes searching for an explanation, and Sildie prepared herself for the cluster fuck that was about to unfold. The guy had to know what he was getting into with Ana. Oh the irony, she thought bitterly.

“They were together for a few years and split last year I believe.” She said simply. She didn’t want to drag out Gustaf’s dirty laundry and shove it in Lucas’s face but she’d give him the cliff notes if pushed.

“Oh, you exaggerate, it was nothing more than a quick fling.” Ana passed off nonchalantly, that saccharine sweet tone grating on Sildie’s every nerve, her glare death incarnate.

“No.” Sildie said calmly, she knew the game Ana was playing and wouldn’t partake. “No exaggeration. You dated him for three years.” The facts, facts and truth always triumphed over lies and deceit.

“You’re mistaken.” Ana growled between clenched teeth.

“No, I’m not mistaken about anything, Ana. I’m well aware of who and what you are.” She said calmly, poor Lucas was hanging on every word out of Sildie’s mouth. They’d known each other for a long time, almost 25 years. Lucas knew she didn’t bullshit or exaggerate anything, in or out of the courtroom. “The lies, the deceit, the pain you caused his sister, his brother, the phantom miscarriage, your own drug use, and the attempt at destroying his sobriety and his career.” She continued as she saw the realization hit home for Lucas, his eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. “Yes, I know exactly who and what you are, Ana.” She said evenly and then looked at Lucas. “Is she the reason you think he’s no good for me?” She asked gently, the guy looked ready to crumble. Or is it because you’re jealous and still in love with me, she thought?

“He’ll cheat on you. Keep things from you.”Ana said coldly and all Sildie could do was smile as she started to play the victim of an unhappy relationship, each word from her lips embellished to suit the situation and her own twisted version of the truth. “He’s screws around when he’s on set. He’ll be done with you at some point and move on to the next just like he did with me. He’s a drunk and an addict.”

“He’s a former addict, and his sobriety is still intact, regardless of your attempts to alter the fact.” Sildie snapped, her courtroom lawyer mode well and truly engaged, she would defend her man. Gustaf had given her no reason to doubt his sobriety or his former drug use, he’d been open and honest with her about it right from the beginning.

“You haven’t answered my question Lucas.” She stated, her tone equally abrupt, her eyes still on Ana.

“He’s not good for you.” Lucas choked, his world was falling down around his ears.

“That’s still not answering the question. Is she the reason?” She asked pointing at Ana. He looked at her blankly, not sure who to believe or what to say.

“So you’ll take her word over the truth? That’s not like you Lucas.” She shook her head, she couldn’t believe it. Was he going to throw away everything he believed in over this vindictive, conniving bitch? It wasn’t easy to fool Lucas, there was a reason her brother got along so well with him, both were ruthless in the courtroom, facts and truth, always. “You know when you’re being fed bullshit. Open your eyes Lucas she’s playing you, just like she played Gustaf.”

Gustaf came back to find her in a heated conversation with Lucas, Ana at his side, that smug smirk on her face. He calmed the sudden urge to walk up and wipe that smirk off her face with his fist. “That won’t solve anything.” He muttered under his breath. “Although it would feel really good for the few seconds, right before you landed your ass in jail.” He sighed to himself.

Sildie’s body language alone told him she was well beyond pissed. “Just fucking perfect.” He muttered and his long strides ate up the floor as he surged toward her.

She saw him approach and knew she had maybe five seconds to step between both men before Gustaf lost his shit, she knew that look, lethal fury. She shook her head subtly, he had no clue what was going on or what he was walking into the middle of, and she would protect him at all costs.

He saw her shake her head and slowed, he’d promised to let her handle Lucas. That of course had changed once Ana became involved, but he gave her the floor. As he got closer he could hear their conversation, content to stay far enough behind Lucas to hear what was going on and close enough to kick his ass if necessary. He wasn’t blind drunk but he was under the influence.

“He’s not right for you.” He snapped again. “Or for the kids. Your brother...”

“For the record, in case you didn’t hear me the first time we discussed this, my relationship with Gustaf is none of your god damn business, that stipulation hasn’t changed. And you are not my brother so stop trying to assume the role.” Her tone flat. She locked eyes with him. “And pay attention because this is the absolute last time I tell you. Don’t you fucking dare bring the kids into this.” She snarled. “They are not, nor will they ever be your concern.”

Lucas blanched at her tone, he’d stepped over a line and he knew it. Even Gustaf took a small step toward them hearing that tone, wondering if he was going to have to restrain Sildie. Never bring the kids into it idiot, that was just asking for it. You may as well declare open fucking season on your ass.

“Let me make it perfectly clear to you. I don’t love you Lucas, I never have. That’s not ever going to change despite what you tell me regarding Gustaf and you need to find peace with it.” She was ready to unleash if he kept pushing her. “You need to move on.”

“It is my business when he’s deceiving you.” He seethed and she could see the pain in his eyes, she’d seen it mirrored in Gustaf’s.

“He’s deceiving me? I think you need to look a little closer to home.” She said glaring at Ana. Gustaf frowned, what the fuck did she mean by that?

“He’s an addict Sildie.” Lucas spat.

“Form...”

“I’m a former addict.” Gustaf said flatly cutting her off as he stepped to Sildie’s side. Taking her hand in his, he placed himself solidly between her and Lucas. Enough he thought, she’s taken enough shit from this guy. “And my sobriety is none of your damn business.” He added, his tone dangerous.

“Hello lover.” Ana smirked.

Gustaf, to his credit just glared at her, didn’t even utter her name. He wanted to, he wanted to rage at her for being anywhere near Sildie, but held his tongue. She wasn’t worth the effort, she wasn’t worth Sildie, because that’s the price he’d pay if he retaliated.

“Lov...” Lucas choked, looking at Ana eyes disbelieving. Her quip had been to her own detriment, confirmation that sent the poor guy into a tailspin. Sildie watched something inside Lucas snap.

“You asshole.” Lucas looked from Gustaf to Ana. “He’s the one that...” Ana played him like a fiddle and nodded, her face that of the wounded girlfriend. He looked back to Gustaf.

“So you finished fucking her up and moved on to the next one. I won’t stand by and watch you do the same to Sildie? No fucking way.” Lucas spat, suddenly turning on Gustaf drilling a finger into his chest as if this was somehow all his fault.

“Lucas!” Sildie snapped harshly, her tone telling him to get a grip as he looked at her. Ice cold fury nothing short of murderous looked back, she was beyond livid. Ana was playing him and there was nothing she could do to make him see sense.

Gustaf looked down at the finger still pressed against his chest. “You’re going to want to remove that finger before I do, permanently.” His tone was dangerously calm. Gustaf had a few inches on the guy and pounded a bag regularly, he wasn’t opposed to the idea of kicking his ass into next week. Lucas was one step away of finding out Gustaf’s absolute threshold for bullshit and invasion of his personal space. Gustaf knew the guys head was conflicted, scrambled by whatever this conversation had dragged to the surface kicking and screaming, he was also half full of alcohol, which was why he kept as calm as he did.

“You don’t deserve her, she deserves better. Not some fucking junkie who goes screwing everything in his path.” He snarled again and pushed that finger in a little harder before removing it. It wasn’t the worst Gustaf had been accused of. Sildie knew what he was before they met and Gustaf knew what he’d lose if he ever relapsed. She also knew the truth. Gustaf saw the heart wrenching pain in his eyes, the guy had just had his world turned upside down and shaken violently, he knew that feeling well.

“What Sildie deserves Lucas, is to be respected enough to make her own decisions, her own choices.” He said calmly, cutting Sildie off before she could unleash. He held out her coat so she could slip her arms in. He needed to get them out of here before he did something he’d regret and Sildie decided to redecorate the floor in crimson.

“An observation? A word of advice? You can do better.” He said nodding his chin toward Ana, the bitch just smiled that smug smile as if this was exactly what she’d planned. “You’re a good man Lucas, she doesn’t deserve you.” His tone had Lucas snapping his eyes to his and Gustaf let him see it, the grief that bitch had caused him, he let Lucas see it all.

“Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have children to get home to and a babysitter to relieve.” He didn’t give Lucas or Ana an opportunity to respond, Sildie snatched her bag up and left.

There was more to this conversation he hadn’t heard and wouldn’t give Ana the satisfaction of being part of her game any longer than he already had been. They’d been pawns in her sick little charade with Lucas and he felt for the guy. He kept his body between Lucas and Sildie and steered her toward the door.

“I’m sorry.” He said softly as he turned the key in the ignition. “I know you said you’d handle it, but my sobriety is no ones business but ours and I do not expect you to have to fight or stand up for me, ever.” He spat, he was furious. Not at Sildie but at the entire fucking situation. “Especially when Ana is pulling the fucking strings.”

“I’m sorry that you had to.” She said quietly. “I’m sorry she was there, I didn’t know.” She took a calming breath as he pulled away from the hotel lobby, she was almost in tears. It wasn’t the confrontation, or the fact Ana had been there, it was what it would do to Gustaf, what it was already doing to him. She knew this could spiral him and he’d come too far to let it claim him again so soon.

“Hey.” He took her hand and kissed her knuckles as he drove them home. “I had a great night, I’m not going to let that confrontation ruin it. You know my history, the shit with Ana, you know of my sobriety, staying clean, that’s all that matters to me love.” He was not going to let Ana in, she was just a name and he was past all that, he had to be.

“But you shouldn’t have to defend your sobriety to anyone either.” She wasn’t sure if she wanted to cry or seethe. “It’s none of their damn business.” She picked at her dress suddenly wishing she’d never gone tonight.

“No it’s not, but I’ll defend it, especially when it’s being thrown in your face or used as a manipulative tool. We know the truth, that’s all that matters to me love.” He kissed her fingers and held them there. He’d keep reassuring her, himself. He wouldn’t let this get to the point it did last time.

“Did you know it was her when Lucas sat down?” She asked and then snorted a chuckle at how absurd her question sounded. “Of course you knew you’re not fucking blind.” She muttered. She felt stupid she had been so caught up in her own head she hadn’t picked up on his emotional swing.

“I knew.” He said quietly, kissing her fingers as he pulled up at a stop light.

“Why didn’t you say something?” Her tone injured.

“Sildie, you had enough going on tonight and you needed me to help get you through, you were my focus, and to be honest she’s just a name.” He kissed her fingers again as the light turned green. “Sure I was shocked to begin with. But then saw it for what it was, nothing but manipulation and vindictiveness. I don’t know what his motives were. To maybe get me to take a swing, shove some proof in your face to show you that I’m the asshole he was trying to make me out to be. I don’t know. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell you, I just knew it would have sent you spiraling and you didn’t need a panic attack on top of everything else tonight. I didn’t want to turn it into a big deal.”

“He didn’t know.” She said softly.

“What do you mean?”

“He didn’t know about the connection until I told him.” She sighed. Squeezing his hand she gave him the recount of the conversation before he’d been close enough to overhear it.

“Well shit.” He blew out a breath. “Now I feel like the asshole.” His huff making her smile. “I thought he already knew until I saw his reaction, I wondered how authentic it was.”

“Authentic as it gets, and I’m sorry I had to drag it all up and tell him, but he needed to know what she is. Lucas is a good guy, he doesn’t deserve to be fucked over by her.” She felt like she’d betrayed him, his pain, his grief, airing his dirty laundry for all to see. “It wasn’t my story to tell and I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok love, I’m glad you told him. Asshole or not he doesn’t deserve what she’ll do to him.” He murmured as he pulled into the garage. “Already has done to him.”

“My only fucking regret is I wasn’t there to see her face when you slapped her with the hard truth. It gives me such a petty satisfaction that it sort of blew up in her face.”

He pulled up next to the minivan and turned the key, the car falling silent.

“Look at me.” He said gently, his fingers stroking her jaw asking, pleading. “I let her get between us once.” He started when her gaze locked with his. “I’m not letting it happen a second time.” He leaned across the center console and kissed her sweetly. “Did it piss me off? Sure it did, but there’s no point in me getting worked up over it and dragging it back into our life, back between what we have together.” He kissed her, lingering to nip her bottom lip. “I’m so in love with you.” He murmured, kissing her deeply.

“I love you too.”

He helped her out of the car, pressing her against it gently.

“Let it be done. Put it in the blip column for the evening.” He shrugged. She breathed out and looked at him.

“You’re really ok?” She asked gently, her finger trailing his scruff.

“I’m just fine love. I was more concerned for you.” He kissed her tenderly. “Still am. I never wanted her or any part of her to touch you.” He wasn’t just talking physically.

“She gets off on it, the pure satisfaction of playing with people’s emotions, their lives.” She said disgustedly, it made her feel ill.

“And she was high.” Gustaf murmured softly, kissing her brow.

“I wondered, but couldn’t be sure.” She watched him carefully, she was devastated Ana had been shoved in his face.

“Does or has Lucas used? Apart from alcohol?” He asked carefully.

“Not that I know of. And it’s none of my business.” She shook her head. She couldn’t go poking into his life when she’d unequivocally told him to butt out of her own.

“No, not our business, but just be careful when you’re around him.” He kissed her temple and lingered. “Especially if he continues to be with Ana. She’s a junkie Sildie, she’s into the heavy shit, or at least she was. She’ll try to bring him down with her to her level.” She nodded and his kiss was tender. “Just be careful.”

“Always love.”

“Now.” He breathed out. “Can we get back to the wonderful evening we were having? Where we’re were dancing and kissing? I remember lots of kissing.” He murmured and kissed her temple, lingering to breathe her in. “Let it be done.” His sigh shuddered as he let it all go. He didn’t want to take it any of it upstairs until he could get alone with the bag. He had some shit to deal with but it wasn’t as all consuming as before, he needed to get it right in his head.

“It has been a wonderful night.” She said softly. “And yes, let it be done. You’re right, we can’t let her get between us again.” She looked at those Viking blue eyes. “Can we go to our room?” Her voice sultry as she ran a blood red nail across his bottom lip. “I don’t think there’s been enough kissing.”

“We can.” He growled and devoured her mouth. “Come with me kitten.” He took her hand and led her to the elevator, his hands diving under her coat as soon as the elevator doors closed. He needed to feel that body he’d itched to touch all night.

***********

@hausofobsession @ill-skillsgard @grandpa-sweaters @authentic90skidd @tuckersgirl @fairlyfallacy @flowers-in-your-hayr @raewritesfiction @stinkerbelle007 @kamie-b @mrsaugustwalker @skrsgardspam @loliwrites @trippedmetaldetector @lihikainanea

[sherrybaby14]

A Few Drinks More

Prompt:  Omg your requests are open. I’m so happy. Haha  Can I request a fic with stucky and reader and just lots of smut. The three get drunk after a mission and one thing leads to another and the boys find out the reader loves to be spanked and choked and hair pull. So they tease all night until they all just end up messy hot sex. Haha   Love you and your writing. 😘

Pairing:  Stucky x Reader

Warnings:  Smut, threesome, choking, spanking, hair pulling, alcohol

A/N:  Thank you “anon”. (I totally know who this anon is).

The mead was going down easier each sip.  Less burn and the effects were starting to kick in.  

“I love it when Thor brings this shit.”  You held the glass up and swirled the amber liquid.  “It’s the only thing that gets me going.”  

“Well after tonight you deserved it.”  Tony stood up from the couch.  “But one glass of that does me in.  I’m off to bed.”  

“I wish that worked on me.”  Bruce muttered as he also went to follow Tony.  

“A hot bath is calling my name.”  Now Natasha joined in the exit party.  

The rest of them already thrown in the towel, leaving you with the super soldiers.  

“You calling it a night?”  You nodded toward them.  

“I’m not tried.” Bucky shrugged. “I’ll have one or five more.”

“Same.”  Steve stood up and went to grab the bottle.  “I think I can drown myself after tonight.”

“Goodnight guys.”  Tony waved his hand.  “Don’t leave too much of a mess.”  

“I’d say keep the noise down, but I’m going to sleep through anything.”  Natasha joined in the wave.  

“Bye.”  Your eyes were redirected to Steve who topped off your glass.  “That was something tonight, huh?”  

“Yeah.  At least we can mark it as a win.”  Steve went back to the couch.  

Now that there were more spaces open it was strange you were sitting on the floor while Bucky and Steve were seated above you, but you were feeling lazy and comfortable sitting with the pile of pillows.  

“Cheers.”  Bucky raised his glass.  

After the first clink there were several more.  You had no clue how much time had passed as the three of your chatted away.   The conversation ultimately went full circle and returned to your mission earlier in the evening.  

“Buck, the way you had that guy by the throat, slamming him against the wall and crushing.”  You took another sip.  “It was so hot.”  

“What?”  Bucky’s face dropped.  

“You know what I said.”  You giggled and went up on your knees.  “It was hot.  Watching you choke him.”  

“What was hot about it?”  Steve leaned forward, his blue eyes getting bigger.  

The sexiness of your team members was not lost on you.  Right now you had some liquid courage.  So you scooted to Steve until you were almost between his legs.  Then you reached out and took his wrist, bringing his hand to your neck.  

A shuddered went through your body as you put your fingers over his and tightened them down.  

“You don’t find this sexy?”  You dropped your shoulders and lifted your chin.  “The power?  The domination?”  

Steve licked his lips and his fingers contracted on their own, squeezing your airway tighter.  You slid your fingers down to his wrist and tightened around them.  

“Yeah.”  Steve shifted closer to you, spreading his legs that were now on either side of you.  “I see your point.”  

“That’s my cue to leave.”  Bucky stood up from the couch.  

Your arm snapped up and grabbed his metal wrist.  You switched your gaze to him.  

“Stay.”  You dragged his arm to the back of your head.  “I also loved watching Steve take that guard out by the pony tail.”  

You put his hand at the base of yours.  Weaving his fingers through your hair and tugging backward, your neck moving in response.  Lust covered Bucky’s face as he made a fist in your hair and yanked.  

“I understand why.”  Bucky tugged harder.  “It’s quite the view.”  

Steve’s hand went tighter on your neck, redirecting your vision to him.   You opened your mouth just as he moved from the couch to his knees.  His lips crashing on yours.  Bucky tugged your hair back harder, making it difficult to keep kissing Steve as he continued to restrict your airway.  

Bucky dropped to his knees behind you and brought his other hand to the top of your shirt.  The garment was shredded in a second, your bra falling close behind.  

“Fuck Doll.”  Bucky went to the top of your shorts and started working on destroying those too.  “If we knew you liked it rough, this would have happened months ago.”  

You would have laughed, but you could barely kiss Steve as you took deep breaths through your nose enjoying the compromising position you were in.   Steve broke the kiss and you tried to breathe through your mouth, but he went even harder.  

“Ready to fill that mouth with something else?”  His hand was already on his pants, shoving them down.

You nodded as best you could with Bucky’s grip on your hair tightening.  

“Don’t worry.”  Bucky laughed as Steve went back to sitting on the couch.  “I’ll help you out.”  

You were guided by the hand on your throat and the one on your head, opening your mouth and trying to gather as much saliva as you could before you took Steve’s cock.  It was as impressive as you’d imagined.  You tried to slobber on it, flicking your tongue, but Bucky didn’t give you much to work with before he started bobbing your head, setting your pace with your hair.  

“Fuck.”  Steve squeezed tighter and you started coughing.  “Your mouth is fucking amazing.”  

You brought your hands to his thighs and tried to settle yourself, muffling a moan around his cock.  

Then a finger dragged across your slit making you squeal.  

“You’re soaked.”  Bucky teased your entrance.  “You really do enjoy this, don’t you?”  

“Mmmm Hmmm.”  You tried to nod your head, but you were experiencing some limited movements.  

You tried to arch your back, wanting Bucky to slide his finger inside of you.  SMACK!  The sting in your ass mad you jump forward.  

“And how about that?”  SPANK!  His hand came down again.  “Do you enjoy that?”  

A moan came out involuntarily as Steve’s cock worked it’s way deeper down your throat with ever thrust.  

“That was a definite yes.”  Steve made a wincing noise.  “Fuck Bucky.  You keep that up I’m going to cum too soon.”  

SLAP! SPANK! BAM!  Each contact from his palm sent your spiraling into a needier desperate mess.  

“Remember Steve.”  Bucky squeezed your flaming ass and slowed down the movement of your head, leaving Steve’s cock in your mouth for longer periods as he shifted behind you.  “Ladies first.”  

Then you felt it.  Much larger than a finger.   You didn’t care about your gag reflex any longer.  Oblivious to the lack of oxygen from Steve’s hand.  Bucky pushed inside you with ease, stretching and filling your eager sex.  

Your eyelid fluttered, struggling to stay open.  You were sure he was going to bottom out soon, but he kept pushing.  

“Fuck, you’re tight everywhere aren’t you Doll?”   SLAP!  His hand came down on the side of your ass again.  

You whimpered at the sting, your head falling farther down Steve’s shaft.  You thought you were going to burst by the time Bucky’s pelvis hit your ass. It was wonderful, being stuffed with cock this way.  Part of you thought the only thing that could have made this better was Sam in you ass.  

Maybe next time.  

Bucky pulled out, slower than you wanted.  But then he slammed in with such force you bounced taking Steve even deeper in your mouth.  

“Buck I’m not going to last much longer.”  Steve talking to Bucky like you weren’t even there was turning you on even more.

“I don’t think any of us are.”  Bucky’s other hand reached around and found your clit.  He started to massage, making you moan around Steve.  “Isn’t that right?”  

Another muffled agreement came out.  

“Here we go.”  Bucky tightened his grip and Steve did the same.  

Your head spun.  Bucky started slamming into you as Steve’s cock hit the back of your throat.  You were throwing your hips as they both slid in and out of you, trying not to control your body, but desperate for the release that was building.

“You love this, don’t you?”  Steve squeezed so hard you couldn’t breathe for a few seconds.  

It didn’t matter.  You didn’t need air.  All you needed was to cum and you were close.  

“She’s getting tighter.”  Bucky tugged your hair with a snap.  “I can feel it.”  

They worked your body with the same precision they displayed in their fighting skills.  You were becoming a mess, not in control of anything.  

“Let go.” Bucky’s order was too much.

You fell hard. Not even trying to work with them as your head was guided down Steve’s cock and your pussy owned by Bucky.  Tiny explosions were going off everywhere.  You didn’t exist.  You were nothing but pleasure.  

Then you felt both of them tighten.  Steve’s cum shot straight into your stomach while Bucky unloaded inside of your quaking cunt.  It only highlighted the sensation.  

You were half conscious when their hands left your throat and hair, guiding you to the side so your head was on the couch.  Bucky was rubbing your back and Steve your head.

“That was amazing.”  You forced your eyes open and noticed neither of them had even undressed.  

“I agree.”  A booming voice filled the room.

All three of you looked to see the blond demi-god with a full bottle of mead.  

“Please tell me we are just getting started and I didn’t arrive at the end of the night?”  Thor folded his arms.  

A smile crossed your face.  It wasn’t Sam, but he would do.    

[lubdubsworld]

Harvest Moon

Werewolf AU

Jeon Jungkook x Oc

Chapter 1  Chapter 2 Chapter 3  Chapter 4

************

Chapter 5

 “You’re sure, this is all? “ Jungkook stared around at the cabin which was stripped of almost all of its possessions and I finished folding the last of the linen into the small knapsack, tying the whole thing up with a length of rope . I stared around at the three crates, average sized and filled to the brim with all my clothes and also my weaving loom and threads.

“Yes. “ I said glancing around at the house once again. I couldn’t tell him that it was the river, I would miss the most. The gentle sound of the waves had lulled me to sleep on so many nights and I couldn’t imagine how cold and lonely it would be in the mountains. But that was for another day, I thought firmly. Time enough to regret all my life choices. I glanced at Jungkook, wondering what it was about him that made me feel so grounded. He looked so out of place, tall and strapping as he stood near the doorway of my home.

He looked like he could break my heart into a billion pieces and not feel any remorse. And yet, I couldn’t walk away. Instead of pushing him out of my life , shutting the door and sliding the deadbolt, I had let him crawl inside me. Let him carve out a space in my heart and take refuge there. Every cell in my body screamed at me to not fall but I had only one response to it.

A litany of repetitive, too late too late too late ran through my head.

I was falling so hard, so fast.

I ought to be terrified but all I felt was safe. Taken care of. I glanced at my feet.

“Alright then. Yeseul, I’ll be leading up front with the other alphas. I told you about the formation… You remember right?” Jungkook said seriously and I nodded, trying to recall the complex drawing he had made out for me earlier on a scrap of parchment. Generally , packs always travelled in strict formations, with the alphas forming a protective fort around the omegas. In this case, the omegas themselves would be arranged around based on what weapons they could handle and whether they could read maps or not.

I could do neither and Jungkook had told me to stick to Miyeon , the omega who had visited me earlier. She would be in the center and was good with both the sword and the bow . Jung Kook would be way ahead with Alpha Jeon and the other alphas and I wouldn’t be seeing him for the next couple of days.

It was ridiculous to think I would miss him because I’d spent my entire life without him up until now, but still, a desperate sort of longing filled my lung.

“I’ll be going now, alright? I’ll meet you in three hours when we start? Make sure you have everything and wear something warm. It gets cold at night.” He stepped close and brushed the hair off my face. “ Are you alright?”

“I’ll be fine, Sire.” I said , before correcting myself when his eyes narrowed. “ Jung Kook.”

“Good. Don’t worry too much about anything okay? It’s a long trek but you’re going to be just fine. I’ve talked to Miyeon and to some of the alphas in the rear guard too. They’ll let me know if something happens and I’ll be there at once. I don’t want you to think, I’m abandoning you…alright?” He said gently and I laughed a little.

“You must think I’m a very helpless girl.” I said thoughtfully.

He didn’t respond and I hummed.

“It’s a fair enough assumption.  I won’t hold it against you. Stay safe, my alpha.” I reached out and lightly touched his face. His eyes fluttered shut and he turned his head to kiss the inside of my palm.

“Say that again.”

“Stay safe?”

“No, the last bit.”

I flushed a little.

“My alpha.” I said shyly.

He gave me a wolfish grin.

“Don’t you forget it. “ He kissed me again and moved away to the door. I watched him shift into the darkness and stood there for a while. The river glinted in the fading light of the setting sun and I hesitated before shifting quickly.

Time for one last dip in the cool waters.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You… You’re mated?” I stared at Lee Hi in confusion as she sat on one of the flat rocks in the village square cleaning her bow and arrow with a small piece of muslin.

“Why? You find it so hard to believe that an alpha could want me? Just because you managed to somehow seduce my man, don’t think you’re better than me Yeseul.” She snapped angrily .

I flinched but felt unease spreading through me.

“But… who?” I said softly.

“His name is Kitae. He’s one of Jungkook’s friends. He talked to my father yesterday and Alpha Jeon helped us bond today. Guess, I’ll be joining you in the mountains after all.”

I smiled at that.

“That’s good. I would have missed you terribly.” I said honestly. If we were together maybe she and I could be friends again.

She looked up then , staring at me thoughtfully.

“You must think I’m a complete fool, if you think we can still be friends, Yeseul.” She said gently.

I stared at her.

“Don’t say that, Lee. I love you…you know I do…”

“And I love Jungkook.” She stood up, glaring daggers. “And I want him back.”

I recoiled, surprised. Her words clawed at me, the phrase triggering my wolf so badly that I wanted to launch myself at her. Jung Kook was mine…. He was mine.

I swallowed the mad impulse and tried to think rationally.

“Lee…. I know you’re upset… but we’re… Jungkook and I, we’re together now and I just-“

“I don’t care, Seul. I belong by his side. I’m not going to give that up.” She said evenly and there was something very terrifying about her tone.

“And what about your alpha?” I said, horrified that she had dragged another person into this mess.

“What about him? If Jungkook ends up claiming me, theres nothing Kitae can do about it. Jungkook is head alpha. And he’s going to be my alpha soon.” She said loftily.

The phrase, which had felt so special just a few hours ago as I’d whispered it to Jungkook now fell like poison in my ears.

Jungkook’s face as he told me that he was my alpha.

“ Lee… Are you listening to yourself? “ I said in distress and she glared at me.

“ After everything I’ve done for you, the least you can do is let ,me have what is rightfully mine.” Her eyes shifted to my neck. “ You’re still not wearing his mark, are you? Good. That tells me that he doesn’t really think of you as his mate yet. How could he? Do you know who he is, Seul? Do you know that kind of omega he needs by his side? He needs someone strong, intelligent and brave.”

Everything that you are not.

Her words carried so much venom that I felt physically sick. Any hope of a reconciliation, which was what I had in mind when I had first walked up to her earlier, flew out of my mind. Lee Hi was upset and she wasn’t going to forgive me.

I didn’t respond, turning away to walk away when her hand shot out, gripping my wrist so hard I whimpered.

“You’re a coward. You’ll always be one. You don’t even have it in you to defend and fight for the man who is your alpha. Jungkook deserves so much better than you. Literally anyone in our clan would be better than you-“

“Mistress!!! Here you are!! I’ve been looking for you everywhere!” Miyeon’s high pitched voice cut her off and I turned on my heel to see the mauve haired omega rushing to my side.

“Miyeon?” I said surprised and by the time she reached me, Lee Hi was already gone. I glanced at her disappearing back , and the heartache was still so strong.

“Come on mistress…” Miyeon began but I gripped her arm.

“Please call me Seul. “ I said desperately and she blushed a little.

“Seul. “ She said gently. “ I’m sorry if I interrupted but she was…she looked so angry and you looked so upset , I just couldn’t…”

I stared at her and felt some of the distress melt away. This girl was so adorable.

“No…it’s… She has every right to be mad so I don’t… Are you ready as well? They said we’ll be leaving in a few minutes?” I asked , glancing around at confusion in the square. The place was teeming with omegas and betas.  The alphas were already up ahead on the outskirts of the village with all the ponies carrying the luggage. Most of the omegas, including the ones who were newly mated stood about in the square waiting for the sign from the Alpha leader to get moving. Everyone carried a small knapsack with just enough clothing to change during the two day trek.

“Yes, we’ll go over to the front. You can stay close to me, come on.”

As we were talking a long, loud horn blew at the front of the line and I felt my heart jump.

Miyeon smiled then.

“Time to leave, Seul.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I felt like I was dying.

For the first hour, I had managed to keep up with the others. Miyeon was a welcome distraction from the steadily growing burn in my thighs, her soft meaningless chatter keeping me grounded as we trudged through the woods, deeper and deeper into the darkness. Night had fallen just a few minutes after we had started and all the alphas had already shifted into their wolf form , their collective scents strong and intimidating enough to keep any predator away. We walked slowly through the night, the damp ground shifting underneath our feet as we moved.

But as the altitude rose, I could feel exhaustion set in. I desperately wanted to shift into my wolf form too but Miyeon had told me that it would be bad idea. My omega scent could attract rogue wolves if there were any in the area.

So I stayed human, my body shaking with the effort to draw in the next breath and keep my pace. Miyeon glanced around keenly, her grip on her crossbow firm and steady .

By the time we stopped for the night, the moon was high in the sky and the air was so cold that my teeth had begun chattering uncontrollably. I remembered the heat of Jung Kook’s body against mine and knowing that I wouldn’t be seeing or touching him for two more nights, was painful …so much that I felt like I could cry from it. To make matters worse, I had seen him earlier, at the head of the pack, with Lee Hi right by his side.

She had been pressed up against his side and he hadn’t been the least affected by it, even wrapping his arm around her waist every now and then as they gave us instructions for the night.

It had been a small compensation when he had searched the crowd for me, eyes lighting up when they met mine, mouth curling into a gentle smile as he mouthed out a clear , ‘mine’ at me.

“Come on, Seul… have some of this…” Miyeon was holding out a small piece of meat, marinated in rich spices over the day and cooked over the open fire. It was delicious and I was hungry.

We ate in silence for a while, until she lightly touched my arm.

“I think… I’m carrying my alphas pups.” She whispered softly and I coughed, shocked.

“You..? What?”

She ducked her head shyly.

“I shifted earlier, this morning. He told me my scent has changed.” She smiled brightly.

“Oh…that’s… That’s amazing Miyeon… your alpha …what’s his name?”

“Hoshi…”

“Well he must be so proud of you. “ I said softly and she laughed.

“He’s scared. He thinks it’s too dangerous for me to take this trek and he wanted to stay back in the village . But it’s still too early for it to be very dangerous. So, I’ll be fine.” She smiled.

I nodded.

“I hope you have one too, soon. We could raise them together.” She said brightly and I felt the blood rush to my face.

“Oh… well. I suppose that would be nice.” I lied. A cold sweat broke out on my back .

The mere thought of carrying pups was terrifying. I had been told time and again that I was too frail for it. That I would probably never live to birth a healthy one of my own. It was probably irrational but I was in no hurry to get pregnant.

As everyone finished their meals, the alphas moved to spread out around the camp and Miyeon  and I managed to set up the small tent. We washed our faces to get rid of the day’s grime before settling in for the night.

I lay on the cold hard ground, waiting for sleep to come but it was hopeless.

I couldn’t sleep.

Lee Hi’s words ran through my head, over and over again . All my insecurities came to my mind, the noise of it all so loud that not even Miyeon’s gentle snores could drown it out.

I couldn’t help but feel that she was right. As head alpha, Jung Kook would always be expected to lead the clan, the way he had today and because of her skills, Lee Hi had stood there with him, by his side. While me, I had needed a babysitter to keep me safe because I couldn’t even handle a basic weapon. Wouldn’t it always be this way?

Lee Hi, with her body pressed against him because she was smart and strong and beautiful like him.

Me standing two dozen feet away because I wasn’t good enough to be by his side?

I turned around on the ground, miserable.

But he had chosen me, I thought desperately.

Jung Kook had been the one to choose me. He had said that he chose me. That he would choose me again if he could redo it. He had kissed me and touched me and made love to me. Called me a gazelle.

The need to be back in his arms was so strong that I felt a whimper bubble up inside me. Before I knew what I was doing, I was tossing the blanket off my shoulder and slowly crawling out of the tent.

The icy cold air hit me like a knife and I shivered, keeping my head ducked low. I moved cautiously through the tents, dropping to my knees every few minutes to avoid being seen. Jungkook slept in one the tents , right up near the front. I tried not to cry when I noticed that Lee Hi lay just a few feet from him right at the entrance of his tent….

I didn’t know what I had been thinking, coming here. I had wanted to see him , maybe just catch a glimpse of him to make myself better but now I wanted more. I wanted everything.

Stepping into the tent quickly, I rushed to his side, crawling under the soft sheet and pressing myself up against him. He stirred at once, blinking in confusion before his eyes went wide at the sight of me.

“Seul? What-“

“Please… Jung Kook… Alpha.. I…” I was crying, and I had no idea why or how to make it stop. I gripped him harder and struggled to get my voice low.” Please don’t ask me to go, Jungkook.. please let me stay here…”

“Shush…” He whispered, wrapping both arms around me and drawing me close.” You can stay…fuck…of course you can stay baby…but tell me why…wait… “ He pulled back to peer at my face. “  Are you crying? Seul…what happened? Did someone touch you?” He growled, looking ready to kill and I shook my head hastily.

“No.. No.. I just… I want…” I couldn’t quite formulate my thoughts. Couldn’t put into words what I wanted .

I wanted reassurance and I wanted answers.

I wanted to stay with him forever but I wanted to run as fast as I could too.

I wanted to beg him to love me, to hold me close and love me forever but I also wanted to beg him to let me go, to end my misery right now, save me undue heartbreak if he was going to leave me anyway in the future.

“Baby…what’s wrong, tell me, you’re scaring me..” He said softly, pulling me closer.

“You…. “ I choked out in a hushed tone. “ Want you.”

It seemed to be enough.

Jungkook stared at me, hair messy and eyes wide and confused.

“Please…touch me… “ I began again, stammering and he moved closer, gently tilting my chin and kissing me hard and fast. I groaned as he slipped his tongue into my mouth, licking into the heat till I was trebling, my legs shaking from arousal. He pulled away easily, a string of saliva stretching between our spit slicked lips and his pupils blown wide with lust.

“Get on top of me. Under the covers.”

I flushed but quickly obeyed. I threw one leg over his waist and climbed on top of him, pressing into him as I straddled him and he grunted a bit before reaching down and lifting my skirt out of the way. I buried my face into his neck as he pushed my underwear out of the way too.

“You gotta be real quiet sweetheart…. Be real quiet for me okay?” He whispered into my ear and I nodded , biting my lips hard to keep the sounds in as he used two fingers to gently work me open. I was wet, almost embarrassingly so and he was hard too, the length of his cock pressing against my thigh.

“Lift your hips a bit and sink down on me… “ He hissed softly ad I dug my knees into the ground next to his waist to lever myself up reaching down to grip the base of his cock, before lining it up against my entrance.

“Stay quiet, okay?” He whispered, and I nodded before gasping inaudibly as I sunk down onto his length.

It was liberating, this feeling of being filled to the brim. He gripped my waist and rocked into me in gentle controlled thrusts and I went loose limbed on top of him as he fucked into me with long, deep strokes.

He kept the pace, fingers stroking my waist in gentle encouragement as I rode him to completion, the tent suddenly too hot for me to breathe. But my heart had stopped hurting and all those thoughts had been wiped clean until the only coherent thought was…Jungkook Jungkook Jungkook……

I shivered as I came, my muscles tightening around him and he grunted as he rolled me to the side, bucking into me and helping me ride it out. But he was still hard, still rocking into me and I felt my eyes begin to slide shut, the exhaustion of the day catching up.

“You can knot me… if you want… Wanna be full…wanna have your pups…make you proud…. ” I whispered, already half asleep. Which was probably where the bravery came from.

Jungkook choked in what sounded like surprise and gripped me hard, trembling as he spilled into me but he pulled out quickly.

He was panting a little but also chuckling.

“I think you’ll scream the whole place down if I did that. When we go home, I will. ” He whispered softly , kissing my cheeks and drawing me closer. “And I’m already proud of you, Seul… “

I nodded.

“But you could do better…” I whispered as my eyes finally fell shut, sleep no longer resistible. “You could do so much better than me, Sire.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I woke up in the morning, I was back in my tent. Miyeon looked bright and happy as always , seemingly unaware that I had crept out at night and I realized, Jungkook must’ve carried me back to the tent to avoid any talk . I tried to remember what I had said to him last night… But it was hazy. I had been so upset.

As we began the day’s trek again, I felt some of my strength return. Maybe, I could do this. Maybe I could hold onto Jungkook, and get through this.

Maybe it would be okay.

Atleast that’s what I thought, until it was time for us to take a break for repast and for the alphas to spend some time with their omegas.. As Miyeon went away to visit her alpha, I gathered some of the fruits from my own meal, hoping to find and share them with  Jungkook.

But he was nowhere to be found.

I walked around the campsite, trying to find him and feeling increasingly anxious till I ran into Miyeon again, wrapped around a tall, laky alpha.

“Oh, Seul… Hoshi this is Yeseul! Jungkook’s omega…” She said brightly.

“I’m trying to find him…” I said after greeting the alpha and Hoshi frowned .

“Him and Mistress Lee went ahead to check the way for us. They’ll be back in a few hours.”

I stared at him.

“Just them?” I said willing myself not to show what I was feeling. But Miyeon clearly picked up on my distress. She pulled away from Hoshi and stepped closer to me.

“There was some news about other wolves in the area… They’re just going to go make sure that the path is safe for us or if we should take an alternative route….” She was saying soothingly and I quickly nodded. He had taken her along… Because she was good at it. Of course… it wasn’t like he could take me along? He was the head alpha and he needed a strong omega by his side when he did such things… Surely not one who was nothing more than a liability. A weakness.

“Yes… Yes… I understand. “ I muttered.

I did.

I finally understood that Lee Hi was right.

I could never, ever be what Jung Kook wanted.

Because I was just not the kind of girl he needed.

 Note : Try not to write sex in every chapter challenge failed.

[betweensceneswriter]

Second Wife-Chapter 16: Comfort

Second Wife Table of Contents

Second Wife on AO3

Previously -  Chapter 15 : By the Ballocks Jenny’s always been good at putting Jamie in his place.

“Jesus!” [Jamie] said, unable to stop himself. “Ye’re lucky ye kept yer maidenhead!” An ugly flush washed darkly over her from stays to cap, and his jaws dropped. “Laoghaire MacKenzie! Ye werena such a wanton fool to let him take ye virgin to his bed!?”

"I didna ken he was marrit!” she cried, stamping her foot. “And it was after ye wed the Sassenach. I went to him for comfort.”

"Oh, and he gave it ye, I’m sure!”

"Hush your gob!” she shrieked, and picking up a stone watering pot from the bench by the shed, hurled it at his head (An Echo in the Bone, 676).

     The house smelled of meat and sweets, and every corner was filled with joyful noise.  Jamie still couldn’t keep all the little people straight, especially as Angus and Anthony, Matthew and Henry insisted on not staying in one place and constantly showing up in different configurations, but he was getting better. 

     Young Jamie’s wife was Joan, and they had handsome dark-haired Matthew and Henry, as well as baby Caroline.  Caroline was just a wee thing, whom little Joanie had latched onto, especially adoring the baby because Joan shared names with her ma.

     Maggie was married to a tall, quiet man named Paul Lyle.  They had two active boys named Angus and Anthony.  Four-year-old Angus had lost his two front teeth in a headlong jump into a table, and Jamie felt a twinge of remembrance, thinking of his own toothless friend of the same name—fellow cattle thief, ruffian, and rescuer, whom he’d lost in the Rising.

     Then there was Kitty—Katherine Mary—who was said to have a young man, and might soon be engaged.  The younger ones were the twins, Janet and Michael, and the youngest was Ian, who had been just a babe when Jamie left.

     Fortunately, it didn’t require the knowledge of names to play the silly games the little boys begged for.  “Nunka Jamie” quickly gained popularity as a great red-haired lion who would hunt the boys through the forest of furniture, a copper-maned pony who gave galloping rides about the house, and a terrifying Goliath, who did an impressive performance of falling to the ground when the boys, each playing David in turn, had flung their only-slightly-smelly stockings at his head.

     He finally collapsed, panting onto the couch, only to be attacked by the foursome, who demanded that Nunka Jamie tell them stories.

     Jenny smiled at the sight, and pointed the little band out to Laoghaire.  “The boys love their Papa, but Ian canna play wi’ them in the same way,” Jenny said.  “Can ye imagine—Marsali and Joanie having wee ones some day?  Jamie will be a wonderful grand-da.”

     Laoghaire smiled at the thought.  It was good to see Jamie here at Lallybroch.  Somehow he seemed more settled and comfortable.

      They had all gathered around the huge table in the dining hall for dinner: Ian and Jenny, James and Joan, Maggie and Paul, Jamie and Laoghaire, then Kitty, Janet, Michael, Ian, Marsali and Joanie. There were too many people to seat the entire family, so the four youngest boys had been fed first, and spent dinner time running wildly around in the great room, making their mothers start in terror every time there was a crash, and only relax when the loud sound wasn’t followed by devastated wailing.

     Jamie looked at his sister and Ian, sitting next to each other.  Their eyes sent each other messages without words. He knew marriage was not perfect, but he could easily see the depth of love and mutual understanding they had for each other.  And Jenny had spoken sense to him.  How could he judge ‘til death do us part’ from four months of marriage?

     Flanked by her daughters, Laoghaire looked happy, which made Jamie breathe easier.  Marsali’s hair had dried in golden ringlets.  Wee Janet sat next to her and the girls were giggling and whispering—apparently having become even better chums through the experience.  The boys had mucked out the stalls for their part in the foolishness, and had been thoroughly chastened by their da and uncle about their responsibility to treat young ladies honorably, beginning with their own sisters and cousins.

     But truly, no harm had been done.  For much of the afternoon the girls helped cook in the kitchen.  Joanie, slightly disappointed to not be able to swim, had satisfied herself with playing school with the wee boys, who made wonderful misbehaving students; Joanie was able to make them stand in a corner to her hearts’ content. 

     Wasn’t this what life was about? Jamie thought.  Family, and work, and food.  It was easy to feel satisfied with such abundance to table, though Jamie did consider, looking down at his belly, whether he should perhaps eat less pie.

     After dinner, after Nunka Jamie had worn out the young boys with playing (or perhaps it was the other way around), the family gathered in the hall to give Marsali her gifts.  Gifts for birthdays tended to be simple.  Young Jamie’s Joan gave Marsali some soft wool she had spun and dyed herself.  Ian and Janet gave her a worn novel that had already seen several owners and many years of use.  Laoghaire had sewn and embroidered her a new shift.  Maggie gave her a new tortoise-shell comb for her hair, which made Marsali flush.  It was quite fine as a gift.

      “My gift for you is not down here,” Jamie said.  “I want you to choose something from a trunk we have of clothing.  You are tall enough, and they aren’t getting much use.”

     Eventually the young families headed home or to their rooms: Young Jamie and his wife, boys, and baby to their apartments at Lallybroch, Maggie and her husband along with their boys off to the Lyle farm.  With a smaller audience, Jamie reached into the pocket of his jacket and fished out a small packet of folded paper, handing it to Marsali.   She opened it, read it quickly, and blushed a fiery red.

     Laoghaire had calmed slightly since the swimming incident and tried to reassure herself.  There was a fire of independence in Marsali that perhaps she had not had as a girl.  In addition, Marsali had a ma to talk to her about men and what they wanted, and what they would do to get it, and how she should behave to get what she wanted, two things which were diametrically opposed.

     Sadly, Laoghaire herself had none of this advice as a fifteen-year-old; and as a result, she had gone about it all wrong.

☆☆☆☆☆

     After she left the tavern, in the shy bliss of being known by John Robert MacLeod, Laoghaire could hear his words ringing in her head.  How could that bastard James Fraser say no to this beauty?  He’s a fool!  Oh, ye are so bonny, yer breasts like pillows the gods would sleep on, yer eyes sparkling like sapphires, yer lips like roses in a garden.

     The words continued to echo as she slipped into her house, retrieving her shift and dressing in her attic room.  She continued to hear them as she bid her brothers and sisters goodbye again and headed back toward Leoch.  John Robert was right, Laoghaire decided.  Jamie Fraser was a fool and Mistress Beauchamp a true witch to steal him away from her.  Only then did she realize she was walking past Geillis Duncan’s shop.

     She opened the door and a cacophony of scents assailed her nose.  Pungent, sweet, bitter, acidic, herbal.  The main portion of Geillis’s business came from running a perfectly respectable and effective apothecary.  But there was also the less-advertised menu of well-known potions and charms she would sell.  One just had to know what to ask for. 

      “I would like to buy an ill wish,” Laoghaire said, pulling her coin purse out of her pocket.  “One for a woman who has stolen a man.”

      “Aye?” Geillis asked.  She began bustling about the room, retrieving sticks, bones, string, and herbs. “Do ye have any of her hair?” Geillis asked, as she began to assemble the items at a back table. 

      “No, but I can add some when I place it in her bedchamber.”  Laoghaire’s nose wrinkled at the thought of Claire’s great tangled mop of hair.  How Jamie saw anything in her. . .

      “’Twouldna be for Mistress Beauchamp…I mean, Lady Broch Tuarach, would it?” Geillis asked, from behind the divider used in case any customers should enter who were interested only in the reputable half of her business. That woman deserved her reputation as a witch, Laoghaire thought.  She knew too much; seeing everything with those strange green eyes.

      “And if it was?” Laoghaire asked.  “Would ye not sell it to me, then?”

      “’Tisn’t my business to judge my customers,” Geillis remarked.  “’Tis just my business to know my customers.”

      “Aye?” said Laoghaire. 

      “And from what I see, ye are a pretty young thing,” Geillis said, green eyes glowing preternaturally.  “If ye end up wi’ a man before ye marry, ye must make sure to not sleep wi’ him for 10 days after yer courses.  And if ye do catch a bairn, ye must come to me for a tea which will help the bleeding to come.”

     Finally Geillis emerged from the back, carrying a crude bundle of sticks.  She wrapped it up in a piece of cloth, and handed it over to Laoghaire in exchange for a few coins.

      “Wrap three hairs around the center, if ye can find any.  And place it under his bed.  The charm should drive him away from her.”  Geillis looked at her shrewdly.  “I canna tell if it will draw him to you, though.”

      “I dinna think I need that,” Laoghaire said primly, thinking of John Robert.  He loved her, and they would be married.  Laoghaire nodded in thanks, then rushed away, hoping to find a time to slip into Jamie’s chamber unnoticed.

      “Laoghaire,” called a male voice from behind her.  The street was loud, so she turned, half hoping to see John Robert.  Her face fell slightly as she saw Hugh instead.  “Where ye headin’?” he asked cheerfully.  “May I accompany ye?”

     Laoghaire sighed, but there was no escape, so she let Hugh fall in step with her.

      “’Tis good to see ye again, Laoghaire,” he said.  “Ye look lovely today.”

     Of course she did, Laoghaire thought, lovely enough that she had a man.  She had no need of this gangly, pock-marked teenager.

      “What’s that?” he asked curiously, pointing at the small fabric-wrapped bundle. 

      “Mistress Beauchamp asked me to bring her something from Geillis’s shop,” Laoghaire said, pleased that she was clever enough to think on her feet.

      “Ye mean, Mistress Fraser now, aye?” Hugh said.

     Laoghaire gritted her teeth, her eyes narrowing as she thought of Jamie and Claire together.  “Ye shouldna be so gleeful, Hugh,” she snapped.  “Ye know I cared for him, and I thought he cared for me.”

     Hugh stopped, taken aback by her response, and Laoghaire stalked on angrily, alone.  “I didna...Laoghaire!” he called after her.

      Laoghaire slipped into Jamie’s room when he and Mistress Beauchamp were in the hall for supper.  She scouted just long enough to see that their plates were filled, as were their glasses, and they were surrounded by people curious about the circumstances of their marriage.  Though the two sat next to each other, Laoghaire could see from their body language that they were not happy.  Jamie was not touching Mistress Beauchamp, and though he was often looking at her, she was not looking at him, sitting with her chin up proudly and her lips set.

     She snuck down the hallway, checking in both directions to make sure she was not seen as she entered the room, the ill wish in her hand.  It was tidy.  The bed was unrumpled and neatly made.  If they were acting like newlyweds and taking each other to bed many times a day, or if they had bedded each other right before dinner, Laoghaire thought, the bed would definitely be messier.  

     What was messy was the hair brush.  Laoghaire scrunched up her nose in disdain as she pulled a few frizzy hairs off the brush, then wrapped them around the center of the talisman.  Her heart thumping in her ears, Laoghaire approached the bed, knelt on the floor, and pushed the bundle underneath.

     She was about to leave the room, but her curiosity was not satisfied.  Laoghaire had done enough laundry to know the tell-tale signs of people bedding each other—stained sheets, particularly when the pale, roundish stains were slightly lower than center of the bed.  She blushed as she thought of John Robert.  She had bled, just slightly, but he had been ever so gentle.  And he had enough forethought that he’d laid down the cloth so they didn’t dirty the couch.

     With a glance over her shoulder, Laoghaire pulled down the covers, revealing the sheets all the way down to the feet.  No stains; none whatsoever.  And moreso, the sheets were only wrinkled in two separate areas, very close to the two edges of the bed.  They were not taking each other to bed, and they were not even sleeping close.  She felt vindictive pleasure settle in her stomach along with her nervousness.  Carefully, she spread the covers back in place, crept out of the door, and headed back to the kitchen to do her work.

     She needn’t have been so worried about being discovered while placing the ill wish.  The dinner went late into the evening.  Laoghaire felt especially happy to see Claire head off toward the sleeping wing alone, while Jamie seemed to be heading to a meeting with Dougal, Colum, and Ned Gowan.  Colum wore an angry frown, and Jamie looked like he was heading to the gallows. 

     Poor man, thought Laoghaire.  No one to comfort him tonight when he goes back to his room.  That cold Sassenach witch.  Maybe if Jamie drank himself into a stupor, he would at least take what he deserved from a wife.

     She thought of trying, just once more, to intercept Jamie, perhaps as he headed back to his room.  But as she was doing one last round of the  tables, pouring whisky, water, and tea, a hand touched her elbow.

      “Lass,” said a husky, masculine voice.  “How much later are ye serving tonight?” 

     She turned to see John Robert MacLeod, sitting smilingly at the table.  Her heart leapt.

     Bending down as if to pour water into his glass, she whispered, “What are ye doing here?”

      “I couldna be apart from ye, Laoghaire.”  John Robert responded.  “I invented some business to bring me up to the castle, and Colum has provided me a chamber for the night.  Will ye come to me, then?”

     Laoghaire had blushed, and looking for another way to delay and talk longer, spilt an amount of water on the floor.  She bent down to wipe it up, considering.  Again?  Twice in one day?  Her stomach clenched, and she could feel a warmth in her lower abdomen just from hearing his words.

      “I dinna think I can,” she said.  “’Twould be too hard to slip away.”

      “Oh, but Laoghaire, I canna go another hour without havin’ ye near me.  Yer beautiful eyes, your lovely form.  Ye are drivin’ me insane with desiring you.”  He truly sounded desperate for her.  It made Laoghaire’s body throb with wanting.

      “I canna sleep there, but I could come for a time,” she whispered back.  She wanted to go, truly just to hear him say such things to her again.

☆☆☆☆☆

      “Look, ma,” said Marsali, excitedly coming over to Laoghaire, dangling a shiny bauble from her wrist and placing the note in her mother’s hand.  “Fergus sent me this bracelet wi’ stones that look like sapphires in it.  He says such nice things.”  Marsali blushed. “That...that the stones are the color of my eyes, and made him think of me.”

     Her daughter’s eyes were like sapphires, Laoghaire thought, her heart sinking; sparkling at the flattery of a man.

Chapter 17 : Married Laoghaire couldn’t wait to be married.

[the-netchiman]

Stolen from gf @lionel-del-rey

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

smol cousin at some family function a while back.

2. Are you outgoing or shy? Neither? 

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My gf

4. Are you easy to get along with? Fuck no lmao

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? I have no doubt that they would try

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Funny, kind, down to earth people are cool

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? I’m about to purchase a plane ticket for my gf so I severely hope we’re together by then lmao

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? ur mum

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Only if it makes the person I’m talking to uncomfortable

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My dad. I guess???

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “what the fuck do you want for chrimbus, you little bitch?”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Oh no I don’t know gonna pull these out my ass real quick Black Irish by The Devil Makes Three Almost Blue by Chet Baker Desperado by The Eagles Stillborn (acoustic) by Black Label Society 512 by Lamb of God

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? idk? 

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Yes

15. What good thing happened this summer? I got to visit a friend in Texas. Other than that, my summer went by in a big shitty blur.

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Not for all the money in the world

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Ye

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Nop

19. Do you like bubble baths? Ye

20. Do you like your neighbors? I don’t dislike them. I don’t speak spanish, so we haven’t talked much.

21. What are you bad habits? I stress myself out over little things too often

22. Where would you like to travel? Ireland would be cool, but I definitely could never go there. Outside of that, idk, anywhere is cool

23. Do you have trust issues? oh yes

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Eating

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My chest or my neck

26. What do you do when you wake up? Check my phone

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? I think its a fine how it is

28. Who are you most comfortable around? My friend Ari I guess

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? yes

30. Do you ever want to get married? wow what an awkward question to have on something my gf is for sure going to see (yes)

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? ye

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Oh, idk

33. Spell your name with your chin. dickhead

34. Do you play sports? What sports? Not any more, but I used to play Football (American) and boxing 

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? Tv

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Nah. Well yeah, but they figured it out eventually lmao

37. What do you say during awkward silences? “wow this got awkward”

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? Mark Ruffalo

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Nerd stores (y’know, where nerds gather to play cards and dnd and stuff, occasionally comics are also there) and music stores. I’d spend all day in guitar center if no one stopped me.

40. What do you want to do after high school? Already out, and lemme tell you I’m already not doing what I wanted to do

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Most people. A few people definitely deserve nothing less than a life time of suffering.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? Nothing, or something. I’m quiet most of the time.

43. Do you smile at strangers? I think I do but I have the resting bitch face big time so I mostly just look slightly less mad at people in public

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? The ocean would be fantastic

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Mr Socks won’t SHUT THE FUCK UP

46. What are you paranoid about? oh, y’know, most things

47. Have you ever been high? Oh yes

48. Have you ever been drunk? frequently 

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? yes, but not because i’m embarrassed, just don’t want to upset anyone

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Black

51. Ever wished you were someone else? Nah. Careful what you wish for, right? Don’t want to say that and then wake up to find I’m somehow an even bigger piece of shit.

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? Wish I were in better shape, but I’m working on that so

53. Favourite makeup brand? Don’t wear it, so my favorite is whatever my gf asks for lmao

54. Favourite store? Guitar Center. lemme obnoxiously test pedals all day

55. Favourite blog? dunno

56. Favourite colour? Red. a certain shade of blue is pretty good too.

57. Favourite food? Anything featuring potatoes 

58. Last thing you ate? a fuckin 1/4 cup of cheese. my diet has been weird recently.

59. First thing you ate this morning? Nothing yet, but I have designs on some tacos

60. Ever won a competition? For what? ye, a few. i hate bragging so im not going to go into detail, but i used to actually be good at things.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? Yep. suspended two or three times for getting into fights, one time for accidentally bringing a knife to school. weirdly, the girl that decided to pull the thing out of my pocket got in no trouble at all.

62. Been arrested? For what? No, but boi have i come close

63. Ever been in love? i am, at this moment, very in love

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? Not really much a story? It was an awkward childhood kiss.

65. Are you hungry right now? Yes, very. waiting on me uncle tho

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? don’t really have tumblr friends

67. Facebook or Twitter? Fb

68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr for art, twitter for memes

69. Are you watching tv right now? nah

70. Names of your bestfriends? Ari, zach, mr socks

71. Craving something? What? Oh y’know things

72. What colour are your towels? Got turquoise, black, blue, purple, white. 

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? two

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Nah

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? Got a few plush pokemon, i guess that counts?

75. Favourite animal? Really like bears

76. What colour is your underwear? N/A

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? oh, uh, cookie dough? oreo? orange sherbet? can’t decide.

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? N/A

80. What colour pants? look if the last two clothing questions didn’t tip you off, i’m naked. are you happy now?

81. Favourite tv show? oh, idk. haven’t really had the interest in shows since i got super depressed like a year ago lmao

82. Favourite movie? i guess kung pow?

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER PICK 2? 

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Mean girls

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? that chick that made out with a hot dog that one time. big mood.

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? The stoner turtle

87. First person you talked to today? My gf

88. Last person you talked to today? My uncle

89. Name a person you hate? just one? nah.

90. Name a person you love? my gf (duh) all these friends i met on the internet, and some of my family i guess

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? so, so many people. 

92. In a fight with someone? like, currently? how would i be doing this?

93. How many sweatpants do you have? don’t wear sweats

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? a couple

95. Last movie you watched? uhhhhhhhhh something shitty on netflix, probs

96. Favourite actress? oof uh, idk. 

97. Favourite actor? also dunno

98. Do you tan a lot? got them irish genes, i burn

99. Have any pets? Mr. Socks, the best cat in the world and i will fight anyone who disagrees. 

100. How are you feeling? Cold

101. Do you type fast? Nope

102. Do you regret anything from your past? Not really. If they didn’t happen, i wouldn’t be where i am now

103. Can you spell well? dubya eee ell ell. fuck you.

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? kinda? define past.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? ye

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? i would hope not, but maybe

107. Have you ever been on a horse? ye

108. What should you be doing? going to the store

109. Is something irritating you right now? always

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? YES

111. Do you have trust issues? Yes

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? an ex, probably

113. What was your childhood nickname? didn’t really have a nickname

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yep

115. Do you play the Wii? I have a wiiu, but i don’t really play it much. its mostly the netflix machine now

116. Are you listening to music right now? Autumn Leaves by Chet Baker

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? Fucking yes

118. do you like chinese food> YE BOI

119. Favourite book? don’t know

120. Are you afraid of the dark? Nah

121. Are you mean? I think so. others say different. its weird, man

122. Is cheating ever okay? in a relationship? no. in a video game to give your character a giant bobble head? absolutely.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? the trick is to not wear white shoes

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? No lmao

125. Do you believe in true love? as opposed to fake love? i guess???

126. Are you currently bored? ye

127. What makes you happy? knowing that others are happy

128. Would you change your name? nah

129. What your zodiac sign? taurus

130. Do you like subway? not compared to my other sub options

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? i don’t know. she’s married, so like...what the fuck how 

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my dad, i guess

133. Favourite lyrics right now? I've held the hand of God and I've sang the Devil's song And when it comes my time no tears are gonna fall But some will light the fire and some will mourn the one Left longing for the ire of, of their departed son.

134. Can you count to one million? ain’t got that kinda time, fam

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I don’t really lie? I think i just say dumb shit and people take me seriously 

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Closed

137. How tall are you? 5′5. I’m a manlet.

138. Curly or Straight hair? no preference

139. Brunette or Blonde? brunette

140. Summer or Winter? Winter

141. Night or Day? Night

142. Favourite month? idk, december i guess because i have a mandatory week off work,

143. Are you a vegetarian? I wish, I don’t have the willpower.

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Dark chocolate

145. Tea or Coffee? tea. coffee is more of a tool for me? gotta wake up, tea is just good.

146. Was today a good day? dunno yet

147. Mars or Snickers? Snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote? don’t really remember quotes

149. Do you believe in ghosts? Kinda

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“As I approached the northern cliffs where I’d find the Serpent’s Sanctum, I could see the soaring towers of Skyreach off to my right.”

[olivialourdefanfic]

Supernatural FanFic, Installment 17

Have been debating putting this up because of my personal feelings about Season 12 of SPN. Decided to do it anyway. I went in this direction because I felt it was a better ending than what season 12 was. If you dislike, keep scrolling. Not everyone writes the fic YOU want to read. 

(Castiel enters the bunker after a long absence. Sophia looks up, her heart jumping, but refusing to stand for him.)

Sam: Cas.

Castiel: Hello.

Sam: You’re all right… where have you been?

Dean: Let me rephrase that for Sam. Where the hell have you been?! And why have you ignored our phone calls?

Sophia: For the record, I’m the only one who didn’t care that you were gone.

Dean: Sophia, come on. You were worried about him, too.

(Sophia looks annoyed that Dean admitted that she has been concerned.)

Sophia: Thanks, Dean.

(Castiel is unfazed.)

Castiel: Where I was, the- the reception was… poor.

Dean: No bars. No bars. That’s his excuse. Wow.

Castiel: I was in Heaven. I was working with the angels.

Sophia: Because that’s always ended so well for you!

Castiel: When I saw Dagon had captured Kelly, I-I thought they could help.

(Sophia notices that Castiel can barely look any of them in the eye. She becomes suspicious.)

Sam: And?

Sophia: Let me guess- nothing. About par for the angels.

(Castiel shakes his head.)

Castiel: Nothing.

Sophia: Big shocker!

Sam: Well, at least you’re back. We’re glad you’re back.

(Sophia finally stands up.)

Dean: Really?

Sophia: Not me!

(Sam sobers.)

Dean: No, I’m sorry, okay? Because while you were striking out in Heaven, we had a shot at Dagon, and we lost.

Castiel: I know… I… received your messages.

Dean: Oh, you did- you did receive my messages?! Okay, that’s good.

Sam: Dean.

Dean: So, not only were you ditching us, but you were also ignoring us? That’s great. ‘Cause we really could’ve used the backup. But, uh, you were too busy with, um… what was it? Nothing?

Sophia: I can’t do everything here, Castiel.

Castiel: Dean, I-

Dean: What the hell is wrong with you, man? You know, that’s- Whatever. Welcome back.

Sam: Dean, y-

(Dean leaves. Sophia soaks in the moment before following him.)

 (Sophia has left Dean, and Castiel comes in.)

Castiel: Dean, if it comes to it, can you and Sam kill an innocent?

Dean: Well, hopefully we won’t have to.

Castiel: But if you’re too late-

Dean: I mean, Sophia will do it for us. She used to do it all the time.

Castiel: She stopped. She doesn’t do that anymore.

Dean: Because of Sam and I. It never sat right with us. This time, I think she’s willing to step up to the plate.

Castiel: What makes you think so?

Dean: The other night, Sophia had a dream. I was awake, and I listened to it. She was talking to you, except it wasn’t really you. She was talking about Lucifer. She told you she wanted to hurt him the way he’s hurt her, and hurt us. That’s all she sees Kelly Kline as- a step closer to destroying Lucifer.

Castiel: She’s never told you, has she?

Dean: Told me what?

Castiel: She has a personal stake in destroying him. He’s a reminder of what she could become. Of what she is deep down inside. You have to know, the same dark power that has always coursed through her body is the same dark power that corrupted Lucifer when he bore the Mark.

Dean: I never thought about it, but yeah.

Castiel: Lucifer is a symbol to her. He represents everything she is inside, everything that fights every day to come to the surface. Dean, if Sophia were to turn dark, it would be worse than Lucifer. Lucifer would look like My Little Pony compared to what Sophia could do. She doesn’t want that.

Dean: Wow. Looks like I have one pretty powerful girlfriend.

(Dean can tell that it hit home that Castiel and Sophia are not together.)

Castiel: I wouldn’t want to know her in that state.

Dean: Cas, why don’t you just talk to her? She knows why you broke up with her. Why can’t you guys just work it out?

Castiel: I’m afraid I may have caused too much damage. The things I said to her, the things I did… I wouldn’t want to be with me, either.

Dean: Just try, Cas. I know she’s hurting without you. She won’t admit it to your face, but she worried about you a lot. When she didn’t dream about you, she was up nights worried. Go talk to her, Cas.

(Castiel leaves the room.)

 (Castiel knocks on Sophia’s door. Sophia remains lying on her back, staring at her ceiling. Without waiting for her response, Castiel opens the door.)

Castiel: Please put your sword away. I don’t want to fight.

Sophia: I don’t want to talk to you, Castiel.

Castiel: Then can I just talk, please?

(No response from Sophia. He takes that as a yes and sits next to her on the bed, touching her hand. She doesn’t fight it, so he holds her hand.)

Castiel: What I did to you was horrible. If I could take it back or erase it, I would. I know how you feel about messing with others’ memories, so I will never do that to you, even if it benefits me. I have done enough lying to you for an eternity. I could tell you I will never do it again, but we both know it would be another lie. What I did, I did because I thought I needed to protect you. I didn’t know the angels couldn’t turn you human. I would never, in a million years, actually believe any of the things I said to you. None of it was true. You are the most precious thing I have in my existence. I love you with every fiber of my being. If you choose not to remain with me, I will understand, but if you choose to give me another chance, I will remain at your mercy for eternity.

Sophia: It isn’t just what you said, Castiel. You beat me down. The look in your eyes… it was more than I could bear.

Castiel: I needed you to hate me. I needed you to not come after me so I could keep you safe. I thought the angels could kill you, Sophia. You have to know how much that thought still terrifies me, even now. They said they would come after you first, and make sure your death was on my head. I cannot live with you dead, whether it’s on my head or not.

Sophia: It is what it is, Castiel. You’ve made your bed, and now you have to lie in it. I need to be apart from you now. I hope you can understand and respect that.

Castiel: I will do whatever you want, Sophia.

(He gets up and leaves. Sophia finally lets the tears she was holding back fall.)

 (Dean, Sam, and Sophia have discovered Castiel is gone, as well as the Colt.)

Dean: Sophia, can you track Castiel?

(Sophia begins tapping her fingers, trying to locate him.)

Sophia: The angels must have him blocked from me. Hold on, let me try something- oh, crap.

Sam: What?

Sophia: They found Dagon. But she’s still alive, and Castiel is on the run… with Kelly.

Dean: What?!

Sophia: They’re heading west.

(She marks a spot on the map and stands up, pulling on her leather jacket.)

Dean: Where are you going?!

(The darkness inside Sophia has awakened, and her eyes are now a dark purple.)

Sophia: Find them before I do if you want your grace extraction plan to work.

(Sophia slams the door of the Bunker, leaving Sam and Dean in silence.)

 (Sophia kicks in the door to the hotel room. Castiel is shocked to see her, but stands his ground. Without any warning, she punches him in the face, then takes a knee to his nose. He flops to the floor, and she yanks him up by his hair.)

Sophia: I should kill you, Castiel. Do you have any idea what you’ve done?

Castiel: I did what I thought was right.

Sophia: No, Castiel. What would be right would be to kill this woman and the thing growing inside of her. But even I don’t necessarily agree with that anymore.

Castiel: What?

Sophia: Why should this innocent woman die because of Lucifer? Why should this baby kill her so it could live? And why doesn’t she get to choose? Why doesn’t she deserve to weigh all her own options and decide for herself? How are any of us any better than everyone else who is playing fast and loose with her life, including the abomination inside her?

Kelly: That’s my son-

(Sophia turns to Kelly, resting her hands on the bed on either side of her. This side of Sophia is scarier than anything Castiel has ever seen. It’s clear that the idea of Lucifer’s spawn walking the earth is Sophia’s biggest fear, and she will stop at nothing to stop it.)

Sophia: Just because you’re carrying it doesn’t make it yours. The father of that baby isn’t your beloved President. It’s the thing that was possessing him at the time of conception, and that unborn child belongs to him. The sooner you accept that, the easier this will be for you.

Castiel: Sophia. Are you going to kill her?

Sophia: If you both don’t shut up, I may kill you both. (She faces Castiel, tears in her eyes) Why are you doing this, Castiel? We could have done anything together.

 (After Castiel knocks Sam and Dean out, Sophia is left standing. Castiel knows he cannot knock her out or beat her, so he faces her.)

Castiel: We’re leaving.

Sophia: Don’t do this, Castiel. It’s a mistake. You know how this all ends.

Castiel: Don’t try to stop me, Sophia. I have to do this. It’s my purpose now.

Sophia: Castiel, if you do this… For the first time ever, you will become my enemy. This is worse… Worse than anything else you have ever done. It will be the end of you. If this doesn’t kill you… I will.

Castiel: Goodbye, Sophia.

(Castiel and Kelly leave, and Sophia is left, alone. Suddenly, the trees around her catch fire, her pain and rage at the surface.)

Sophia(whispering): Goodbye, my love.

 (Sophia enters the bunker, the weight of the pain overcoming her. She walks down the stairs, crumpling to the floor at the bottom. Dean walks over to her, kneeling down next to her.)

Dean: He’s gone off the deep end, hasn’t he?

Sophia: Worse. I offered him a choice, and he chose against me.

Dean: A choice?

Sophia: I tried to make him see. It’s either us, or Lucifer. Lucifer wants this baby to be born. Castiel wants this baby to be born. Maybe they have different aspirations, but they want the same thing. Castiel isn’t THAT stupid to really think this baby being born will be good, is he?

Dean: You know he’s not.

Sophia: I’m not so sure anymore. And now I may have to do the unthinkable.

Dean: What do you mean?

Sophia: You know the kind of power I have. I may have to kill all four of them- Lucifer, the baby, Kelly, and Castiel, in order to end all this.

Dean: Sophia, do you think that the baby is controlling Cas? Like, anyone who touches Kelly can connect with the baby and be controlled by it?

Sophia: I wouldn’t put it past Lucifer or his baby to be that diabolical. Either way, I have to assume that he’s chosen sides against us.

Dean: Sophia, come clean with me. Why is this such a big deal to you? What’s Lucifer got on you?

Sophia: You mean, besides the fact that he and I are cut from the same cloth?

Dean: Sophia, you’re not bad. You make a choice every day not to be. Maybe there’s bad in you somewhere, but when you make the choice to fight it- you’re NOT bad. You’re good, Sophia. You’re not Lucifer. He either can’t help it, or he chooses to be, and he likes the disease. You’re not like that.

Sophia: That’s not… No, Dean.

Dean: Tell me, Sophia. You know there’s nothing-

Sophia: I slept with him.

Dean: What?

Sophia: When he took Castiel as a vessel… At first, I didn’t know. He hid it so well, and I didn’t have the power that I have now. As soon as I found out, I should have done something. But I didn’t. I don’t know why I didn’t. Instead… I teamed up with him. We were going to take down Amara together.

Dean: Clearly, that didn’t work.

Sophia: She took him. And I felt so guilty. I did nothing to save him. I wasn’t able to. I couldn’t tell if I felt guilty because Castiel was in there, or because of Lucifer. I always assumed it was because Castiel was being hurt.

Dean: Was it?

Sophia: That was a huge part of it. But not all of it. I started to realize… my interactions with Lucifer were starting to feel… normal. I liked the danger. I liked the pain. And I slept with him. I knew it was him, and I was so weak. I just missed Castiel SO much… I thought, if I gave Lucifer something I knew he wanted, he would give me a few minutes with Castiel, and I could convince him to eject Lucifer… But he didn’t…

(Dean is silent for a moment, trying to understand.)

Dean(quietly): It’s not like Sam and I were any help. We were off the deep end trying to figure this out, and you knew all along. You didn’t want to tell us because you knew how we’d react.

Sophia: You don’t have to be so understanding if you’re not, Dean. I would rather you tell me to my face that you think I’m disgusting.

(Dean holds Sophia’s face gently, looking deep into her eyes.)

Dean: Sophia. I would never in million years think that of you. I love you. You know this. I’m just trying to process, and understand the kind of place you were in.

Sophia: I felt trapped. There was nothing I could do but let everything unfold, and wait for my moment. You couldn’t know. You would try to stop it. Sam would try to stop it. Castiel wasn’t available. The only other person who knew was Lucifer. I thought… Castiel was willing to go down trying to save us, save me. He knew about my aunt’s prophecy, probably even before I did. He was trying to stop it by saying yes to Lucifer. I felt powerless. I couldn’t control anything I was doing anymore. I couldn’t use my magic or my power without destroying something. The Darkness inside was trying to swallow me whole.

Dean: You let it out for a little while with him, didn’t you?

(Sophia nods, wiping a tear away.)  

Sophia: When Castiel was breaking up with me, he revealed that he knew what I’d done. He was conscious the whole time I was having sex with Lucifer. Lucifer made sure of it. When I was with Lucifer, I was… I was wild. None of you have ever seen it. Not even Castiel. The only time it’s ever come close to coming out was when Charlie died. It’s the real me, the darkness inside. It’s ugly, and it’s violent, and it’s scary. It’s everything I shove down deep inside and I don’t ever let anyone see, the things I keep on a tight leash. There were a few moments where I even saw Lucifer hesitate, like it was too much, even for him. It was like a beast had been unleashed deep inside, and I liked it. Afterward, it scared me, and I locked it back up, but Lucifer already knew how to bring it out of me. Castiel knew. He remembered it all. He revealed that he knew who I really was inside, that I’m dark, just like Lucifer. The same Darkness that corrupted him in the Mark is the same evil that runs through me. I just have more of it than Lucifer ever will, because I was born from it. I AM it.

Dean: Sophia, that’s a choice. Just because you’re dark inside, doesn’t mean you’re completely evil. You make a choice everyday not to hurt people. You’ve been with us something like 13 years, and you haven’t hurt us. You’ve actually chosen NOT to let us die, or even to kill us before.

Sophia: It’s starting to become harder to make that choice, Dean. Before you and Sam came into my life, I had to kill a little bit to satisfy the evil within. You know how it is, you had the Mark once. Imagine it’s your whole body, and not just a Mark. Do you know how many times I’ve fought that urge inside, the one that tells me to kill you both, to just let you die the next chance I get? And maybe that’s the cruelest thing of all, not letting you both go when I should have. I’m starting to lose grip on who I want to be. Castiel figured it out a long time ago. It’s why I believed him when he said he didn’t really love me anymore. I wouldn’t love me anymore, either. None of you want to watch me become a monster, Dean. You won’t like it. I don’t die. I just re-animate.

Dean: Come on, Sophia, you know that would never happen. Cas loves you, and I love you. Whatever you’re facing, we’ll face it with you.

Sophia: Don’t you get it, Dean? I can’t win here. Lucifer is setting me up to fail. I rejected him, and-

Dean: You rejected him?!

Sophia: When I rescued him and Sam and that prophet from Amara… When I looked at Lucifer, I saw Castiel, not him. He looked the way Castiel does when he’s hurt, and my heart ached so badly. I asked for Castiel. Lucifer, at the root of it, is simple to understand. He has worse abandonment issues than you, me, and Sam put together. God locked him in a Cage, Amara tried to kill him, his people left him for Crowley, his own brothers turned on him, and I rejected him. He felt like I used him… and I did. He’s trying to hurt me and all of us by hurting the world.

Dean: Are you saying he can be reasoned with?

Sophia: There is no amount of campfire rounds of “Kum By Yah” that will reason him down, Dean. The only thing he has ever loved outside of God wants nothing to do with him, even if I admit that I had a soft spot for him once, and maybe even still do, deep down. He’s going to use Castiel to completely destroy me. He’s a spurned lover with the power of Satan inside him. Whether Castiel is choosing to protect his baby on his own or not, it doesn’t change what I have to do. Castiel won’t want to live with the guilt when he comes to his senses. He would rather die than live with that kind of guilt, and I won’t let him live with a moment of it, either.

Dean: Sophia, slow down. What exactly even happened between you and Lucifer?!

Sophia: He’s been in love with me since Sam was his vessel. Then, Castiel said yes, and he saw the perfect way for us to be together, in his eyes. When I realized that it was him, I should have killed him, but I couldn’t risk losing Castiel forever. My power was so out of control then, and I couldn’t take the chance.

Dean: Lucifer can fall in love?!

Sophia: He said that the way Castiel loves me is like a drug. He nearly sings my name up and down the halls of his mind like a hymn. When he sees me, his heart soars and there’s a warmth that grows inside him. It intoxicated Lucifer like heroin. It was impossible not to become obsessed with me. He couldn’t even fight it. And then I rejected him. Everything he’s doing, he’s doing it because he wants me to suffer. He knows he can’t get to God or Amara, so it’s all about me. He knows he can’t touch you and Sam. Castiel is the wild card. He knows that to turn Castiel against me would be the most devastating of all, because Castiel has been so devoted to me. So, either I go dark stopping this baby from being born, or I kill Castiel, which will break me. I will never win this.

Dean: Sophia, it doesn’t matter what you did. It doesn’t matter what happened. We’ll find another way, Sophia; we ALWAYS do. I’m not letting you go down the rabbit hole like that. You mean too much to me.

Sophia: Dean…

Dean: Don’t, Sophia. I will fight for you.

(He pulls her into his arms and kisses her. He picks her up and carries her back to his room. He lays her down next to him and grips her tight.)

Sophia: I need you…

Dean(whispering with conviction): I’m not letting you go without a fight, baby. You never gave up on me. I’m not giving up on you.

(Sophia turns over, burying her face in Dean’s chest. He runs a hand through her hair and kisses her forehead.)

Sophia: Dean. I love you.

(Dean’s eyes pop open, and his jaw drops.)

Dean: Did you just say…?

Sophia: Yes. I’ve been wanting to say it for a while. I wanted it to be special. If you’re willing to fight for me, then you deserve to know. I love you. I didn’t think I could love you again after everything we’ve been through. But then I realized, I never stopped. Part of me has always been with you, even when we weren’t together.

Dean: Sophia… I never knew it then, but I was always yours. Maybe we didn’t brand our souls, but there was something about us… Other people got out of our way. It was why Lisa never had both feet in. She saw us together, and… she knew then. Any time she had with me was time borrowed from you. I was always supposed to be with you. And I’m so sorry, Sophia, that I screwed up with you so many times then. I can’t say I won’t screw up again somewhere, but this time… I know what I have. I know what you are, and I don’t doubt you, or how I feel about you, for even a second. I fall asleep knowing you are the one thing I can trust and believe in outside of my brother.

(Sophia is overcome, nearly choking on the lump in her throat.)

Sophia: I wish I believed in myself half as much as you believe in me, Dean.

Dean: Is it enough for you?

Sophia: If you can believe in me after everything you’ve seen and done… I can fight this. I believe in you, Dean. I believe in Sam. We can all fight this together.

 (Nine-year-old Sophia discovers her father’s lifeless body. Her scream is unnatural, and her mother comes running out. It is the one time Monica shows emotions. Her hands shaking, she lays her hands on her husband in an attempt to heal him, but she knows it’s useless, he is still human and the damage is too much. Mara grabs Sophia, bringing her away from her father’s body.)

Sophia: No! Let me see him! Dad!

Mara: No, sweetheart. Now isn’t the time. You’ll see him again soon.

Sophia: You’re lying, Aunt Mara! He’s dying, I can feel it. Let me say goodbye. He’s my dad!

(Sophia attempts to break free, but Mara holds her tight. Sophia flicks her hand, flinging her aunt against the wall and pinning her there. Mara stares in shock as Sophia runs out of the room. She runs to her backyard to discover her father completely dead, and her mother gone. She walks to his body, her small body folding next to him.)

Mara(from inside): Sophia!

Sophia: Dad? (Her voice breaking) Daddy?

(Nothing. He’s gone. Sophia stands up, her hands shaking. Her hands are covered in his blood. She raises her hands above her head. Her eyes are glowing purple, and her scream is unnatural. A shock wave of energy emanates out from her, and Mara is shaken to the floor. On the edge of the backyard, concealed by trees, Monica is watching, in complete shock at her daughter. Mara runs out, grabbing her.)

 (Mara has calmed Sophia enough to put her to sleep. Monica returns to the house, and she sits in the living room with Mara.)

Mara: Did you feel it?

Monica: I saw it. I was in the woods.

Mara: So you know. It was her. It was your daughter.

Monica: What did you feel, Mara?

Mara: It was dark. It was awful, Monica. She has evil deep within her. She has the Darkness living inside her just as Cain does, but hers is born to her. It’s can’t be removed from her as it can Cain. She’s the One, Monica. It’s her.

Monica: No. That’s not possible.

Mara: She is the strongest witch among us, Monica. You know it. That power surge she let out… none of us can come close to that.  

Monica: Stop it. She’s my daughter. I can’t believe the worst of her. This can’t be true. I won’t believe it, Mara.

Mara: She has hope. She has us. She has you. You’re the one thing that can keep her rooted to this earth instead of destroying it one day.

Monica: How?

Mara: You have to teach her. Condition her. You know what I saw when she was born. She’s going to save the world, but my visions, you know how they are.

Monica: They’re subjective, based on her decisions.

Mara: Yes. I see her choosing to save the world, but you must show her the way. You need to show her why. She can be great, Monica, but you must set her on that path. You need to show her how to use that power, that evil for good.

Monica: But she’s just a child, Mara. She can’t be truly evil.

Mara: She isn’t truly evil, but true evil lies within her. When I look into her aura, I feel turmoil. Your child suffers, Monica. She chooses the good every single day, and it’s a fight- a fight within her. The evil within her tells her to kill and gives her the power to do it, but she doesn’t. She fights it. As long as she lives, Monica, she will never know peace. All she will knows is this fight, until she gives into it.

Monica: How bad will it get, Mara?

Mara: Unbearable. It will only become worse throughout the years. The only way it will abate is if she feeds it in small amounts.

Monica: What do you mean?

Mara: She will have to kill. Killing monsters will suffice for a while, but the darkness will only grow stronger as she ages. She’ll have to fight for eternity to keep it in check. She should know what she’s facing, Monica.

(Monica stands, her shock complete. She knows her sister is right, but she cannot accept it: her daughter may well grow up to become a monster.)

Monica: No. She must never know.

Mara: Monica.

Monica: She’s MY daughter! I’M the one who will have to watch her burn the world one day. I don’t want her knowing what she could be doomed for.

Mara: But she has a chance! The choices I see her making- she makes choices for love, for nobility. She will sacrifice for the greater good, and to save the lives of others. Please, Monica, she has a chance. She chooses the good within her everyday as it is. She should know the fight she faces.

Monica: She doesn’t know now, Mara. I tell her, and she chooses to live and die as a human witch to avoid an eternity of the fight within her. She dies young, and she saves no one.

Mara: It should always be her choice, Monica! Just because you are her mother doesn’t mean you know best. You love her, and your judgment is clouded.

(Monica stops, knowing her sister is right.)

Monica: You’re right. For now, we wait. She’s a child, Mara, she shouldn’t have that weight on her shoulders. When she’s older, we will give her all the facts, and let her decide. It should be HER choice. After all, we are here because of free will.

Mara: Finally, you see reason. You shouldn’t be making decisions like this now, anyway. Your husband is dead. Sophia will never be the same.

Monica: All I can focus on now is the future. Sophia is our future, and that is a weight she should not feel until she’s older. Promise me you’ll stay close now, Mara. She’s going to need us to guide her.

Mara: Sophia needs all of us. Rally the community around her. I don’t envy her position, but at she will have all of us.

(Around the corner, at the bottom of the stairs, Sophia is listening intently. She looks at her hands, which are shaking. She’s terrified.)