#yes I’m still refusing to put nesta in a shirt

[mossytrashcan]

@nestaarcheronweek || Day 4: Lover

Go listen to Sweet Nothing by Taylor Swift. She explained the domestic vibe I’m aiming for waaaay better than I ever will

[snelbz]

Life As We Know It {Chapter 26}

Summary: After the sudden deaths of Nesta’s sister and Cassian’s best friend, they gain guardianship of their nephew, Nyx.

Based on Life As We Know It (2010) and a prompt sent in by anonymous for our Nessian fanfic contest. This is a modern au.

Instead of doing a tag list for this story, we have decided to have a set posting schedule. Chapters will be posted weekly on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays. Occasional surprise chapters could be posted at miscellaneous times. Chapters will be posted on both my and Tara’s blogs! >> @tacmc.​

Life As We Know It Masterlist

Shelby’s Masterlist

Tara’s Masterlist

Nesta awoke with a pounding headache and the need to vomit, even though she was fully aware her stomach was completely emptied out. She began to shift on the mattress, but froze when she realized that a heavy arm was draped across her waist.

Behind her, Cassian was sleeping soundly, spooned up against her.

Stay.

She remembered asking that of him the night before, remembered everything from the night before.

She had been drunk, horribly drunk.

They had fought.

She had tried to sleep with him.

She had vomited all over the kitchen.

He had cleaned it up.

He had cleaned her up.

He had carried her to bed.

He had stayed.

She hadn’t deserved for him to stay.

Carefully and slowly, Nesta took Cassian’s hand and removed it from her body before dragging herself quietly out of the bed and sneaking out of the room.

She had been so fucking irresponsible the night before, shouldn’t have ever tried to drive here, yet here she was. No wonder Cassian had been so pissed.

She planned on getting a quick cup of coffee to settle her stomach and sneaking out, but as she found Elain in the kitchen, she knew that was no longer possible.

Her sister, never one for anger, raised an eyebrow. “You owe me for my landscaping.”

Nesta cringed and dropped into a seat at the end of the table. Her head fell into her hands with a smack. “I know, I’m sorry.”

A cup of coffee appeared in front of her and Nesta did nothing but breathe in the life-changing scent for a minute, her forehead still pressed into her hand.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Elain said, leaning against the counter. “I love having you here. But as far as I knew, Cassian was staying here because you were at the house. Imagine my surprise when I find both of your vehicles in my driveway this morning.”

Nesta cringed, yet again.

“And the bush by my mailbox flattened,” Elain added, sipping from her steaming mug.

Nesta groaned, her head falling against the tabletop. “I fucked up, I get it.” There was no malice in her voice, only exhaustion.

The chair across from her was pulled out and Elain sat down with a sigh. “You know I’m not letting you leave until we talk about this, right?”

Nesta huffed. “Talk about what?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Elain sighed. “The fact that you showed up at my house at midnight, drunker than you’ve been since college, to fight with Cassian?”

Nesta looked up at her.

“At least, that’s my husband’s version,” Elain said, watching her sister. “Correct me if I’m wrong.”

Nesta leaned back in her chair and shook her head, slowly. She fiddled with the fabric around her thighs, only now realizing that she was in Cassian’s shirt.

He had taken her dirty dress off and replaced it with something clean, something of his.

“I don’t even know where to begin,” Nesta said, simply.

“How about promising me you’ll never be stupid enough to get behind the wheel while drunk again?” Elain asked, a slight edge to her voice. “The last thing I need is you getting in an-.”

Her words dropped off and she shook her head, sipping from her mug to avoid the word that Nesta knew was meant to come next.

Accident.

A newfound guilt flooded Nesta’s stomach. She felt like she was going to puke all over again. How could she do that, after all that had happened? After what had happened to Feyre and Rhysand?

“I fucked up,” she said, again, and leaned across the table to take Elain’s hand. “I was drunk, I made a poor decision in the heat of the moment because I was pissed, and I was irresponsible. I know that, and trust me, I am full of regret and feel like a fucking idiot this morning. I promise, Lainy, that I’ll never make that mistake again.”

Elain looked at her for a moment before her eyes softened and she nodded. “Good. I believe you. Now, care to tell me why you made such a dumbass decision to begin with?”

Dumbass. Elain rarely swore.

“Cassian and I had sex in the store room last night,” she sighed, not looking at Elain.

“You what?” Her voice raised an octave.

“Shh,” she said, glancing around her to the living room beyond. “I don’t know how exactly it happened, but it did. I went in there for some air, he followed me, and we got into it. Next thing I know, my back is against the far wall, he’s buried inside of me, and I’m halfway to an earth shattering orgasm.”

Elain had stilled, her mug midway to her lips as she stared at her sister. She repeated, “You what?”

“I don’t need a lecture if that’s what you’re building up to,” Nesta snapped.

Elain sighed, setting her mug down on the table. “It’s either a lecture or silence.”

Nesta just shook her head.

“Nesta, that man is madly in love with you,” Elain said, lecturing, anyway. Nesta stared at the table. “And you love him, too. This…unhealthy need to push everything and everyone away that makes you happy is going to make you nothing but miserable in the end and, I’m sorry, but I’m not going to let you be miserable.”

Nesta shook her head. “Feyre wouldn’t want—.”

“No,” Elain interrupted, her voice going harder than Nesta typically heard it. “Feyre would want you to be happy. She’s gone, Nesta.” Her eyes lined with tears as she reached across the table and took Nesta’s hands. “She’s gone, and yes, maybe that’s the only reason that you and Cassian ended up together, but you know what? Maybe it’s not. Maybe you and Cass would’ve ended up together at another time, another place, but you didn’t. This is how it happened. And Feyre, wherever she is, is so damn happy that you two are happy. She wanted you two to be together five years ago, and she wants you to be together now, if he’s who makes you happy. You can’t feel guilty, Nesta. Your happiness does not deserve guilt.”

Nesta said nothing, didn’t bother wiping the tear that fell down her cheek.

“You love him,” Elain said, and it wasn’t a question.

Which meant that Nesta didn’t answer.

“He cleaned up your puke and carried you to bed after you treated him like garbage,” Elain said, her voice lightening. “Men like that don’t just come around, Nes.”

A door opened and closed from the back of the house and Elain picked up her coffee, standing.

“Where are you going?” Nesta whispered, her eyes going wide.

“You need to talk to him,” Elain said, heading for the living room. She didn’t say another word to her sister, but she heard her start up the stairs. “Good morning, Cass. And good morning to you, sweet boy.”

She didn’t hear a response from either of them, so she assumed Nyx was still dozing on Cassian’s shoulder, but Elain’s soft footsteps retreated up the stairs.

“Morning.”

She turned to find Cassian leaning against the doorway. Nyx, indeed, was still near sleeping where he had his head resting against Cassian, holding onto his shirt.

Clutching her coffee cup, Nesta breathed, “Good morning.”

“How are you feeling?” he asked, walking to the fridge and opening the door, pulling out a jug of orange juice.

“Honestly?” she muttered. “Shitty.”

Cassian snorted. “I’d say so.”

Silence ensued, and Cassian kissed Nyx’s forehead as he handed him to Nesta. “I’ll get him some breakfast.”

Nesta nodded, taking the sleepy baby and letting his head fall against her chest.

Cassian got oatmeal out of the pantry and mixed it with some milk before cutting strawberries into small squares. The entire time, Nesta watched him. The entire time, Cassian didn’t say a thing.

She could see the way his back muscles flexed through his old, white t-shirt.

It made her weak in the knees.

“Dada,” Nyx said, arm outstretched to Cassian.

“Almost ready, buddy,” he promised.

As Cassian walked toward the table, Nesta put Nyx in the highchair. She’d move him once Seph was awake and ready to eat. She had a feeling Nyx would be finished long before that, though, because the second Cassian sat the bowl on the tray, Nyx’s hands were covered in oatmeal.

Cassian chuckled and retreated back away from the table.

Nesta cleared her throat. “Cass?”

“Hmmm?”

“I-,” she hesitated, and sighed. “Thank you. For last night. I’m… I’m sorry, I was completely out of line-.”

“It’s fine,” he interrupted, pouring himself a glass of orange juice.

“It’s not fine.” He still hadn’t turned back to look at her. “It’s not, at all. What I did last night was stupid and irresponsible and selfish. And you took care of me and I didn’t deserve it. So… Thank you and I’m sorry.”

He was quiet for another minute, pouring a cup of coffee alongside his juice. “You’re welcome. Like I said, it’s fine. It happened, you recognize it was a dumbass decision to make. Just don’t make it again.”

She nodded, though he still couldn’t see her, since he still had his back to her.

Nesta asked, “Can we… Can we talk about last night?”

“I don’t know what there is to talk about, Nes,” he sighed, finally turning to look at her. He leaned back against the counter. “Before or after you showed up drunk?”

“Both,” she stood up and crossed the kitchen toward him. She suddenly remembered she was wearing nothing but his t-shirt. “Like I said, I was way out of line.”

Cassian watched her for a moment before letting out a breath, his shoulders sagging. “Yeah, well… The store room was just as much me as it was you, so don’t apologize for that one.”

Nesta nodded, and looked over at Nyx, stuffing his face. “Do you regret it?”

A beat passed. “The store room?”

She nodded.

Cassian drank from his glass. “Do you?”

I asked you first, she wanted to say, but didn’t. Instead, she said, “It was unprofessional.”

“That’s not an answer,” he said.

“Neither is refusing to answer the question at all,” Nesta pointed out.

Cassian snorted. “Fair.”

They fell into silence, yet again, the only sounds coming from Nyx and his excitement about food.

“Is that all you have to say this morning?” Cassian asked, and she knew he was looking at her, so her eyes remained on the floor.

“I apologized,” she said. “I thanked you. What else is there to say?”

Cassian nodded, apparently that was answer enough for him. “Alright, well, Viv is planning on meeting you and Nyx back at the house at noon. I’ll see you at work.”

He turned his back to her and started walking out of the kitchen.

“Wait,” Nesta breathed, making her way toward him. “There is one more thing I’d like to say, like to ask.”

Cassian stopped and slowly turned to face her.

It was all too familiar. Him, in his sweatpants and old tee. Her, in his shirt, after a night spent cuddled up together.

Even if the night before had been under completely different circumstances.

She cleared her throat. “I think you should come back home, Cass.”

He searched her eyes, searched for the underlying meaning. “Why?”

“Because Nyx misses you,” Nesta said, without missing a beat. “He misses seeing you everyday.”

“Is he the only one?” Cassian asked, taking a step toward her.

“Cassian,” she breathed, shaking her head.

He nodded, slowly, taking a deep breath. “That’s what I thought.”

He turned around, but Nesta reached out for him. “Cassian, please, just come back-.”

“I can’t,” he said, quietly. “I can’t be there, every day, seeing you, and not being able to do something as simple as give you a hug, Nes. I can’t be there and pretend like things are fine, and that I’m not completely miserable. I can’t. I can’t do that. I’m not ready for that.”

The brush of her fingers against his arm felt like a brand and it took everything in him not to rip it from her grasp.

“I’m going to get ready,” he said, as calmly as he could. “I’ll see you at work. Viv will be there at noon to watch him.”

Her fingers fell away as he stepped out of reach and walked back through the living room and down the hall. As always, he never slammed the door. He never let his anger get the best of him. She heard it shut with a soft click.

“Mama?”

Nesta whirled, her eyes falling on Nyx. He was a sticky mess, oatmeal and smashed strawberries all over his hands and cheeks, but he was looking right at her. “Mama,” he repeated, holding out the empty bowl for her. As if he was saying, all done.

She gave him the best smile she could muster, before crossing the room and taking the bowl from him. “Thank you, sweet boy.”

A few minutes later, she’d left the bowl soaking in the sink, had wiped him down as best she could and had nabbed a pair of leggings from Elain’s clean laundry. She didn’t want to have to interrupt Cassian to ask about her dirty dress.

Without another word to anyone, she packed Nyx up in the car and was gone, heading for home. A few minutes later, she pulled in the driveway, but she couldn’t ignore the fact that something was missing.

Without that stupid truck parked next to her car, it didn’t feel quite like home. Going inside and not finding a game on the TV, or the smell of bacon cooking this early, it didn’t feel like home.

Without Cassian there, nothing did.

And she knew she was the only one to blame.

[empire-of-wildfire]

HOLIDAY SURPRISE

A @starseternalnighttriumphant X @empire-of-wildfire CHRISTMAS MINI-FIC COLLABORATION

a/n: here’s the first part guys!! We hope you guys enjoy it! Sorry for those of you that saw this yesterday, I’m not sure why tumblr decided to post it almost 24 hours early. Send me or Hannah @starseternalnighttriumphant an ask if you’d like to be added to the tag list!

Cassian Laskaris’s personal phone buzzed in his jacket pocket, causing him to frown. Almost no one bothered him on his phone while he was at work, so he fished it out of the deep pocket and looked at the name that flashed on the screen. A sigh followed by a small smirk, he answered the call and put the phone up to his ear.

“Yes, Your Highness?”

“Funny,” Rhys answered, voice full of amusement. “I was just checking for cold feet.”

“Are you sure you meant to call me and not Feyre?” Cassian drawled.

“Hers are warm and currently playing footsie with mine.” There was a shuffle and Feyre’s tinkling laugh in the background. “I just want to make sure you’re actually coming.”

Rhys’s worry was genuine, but it still grated Cassian’s nerves. He had promised his found brother he would be there for his wedding, and Cassian was many things, but he never broke his promises to the people he loved.

“Yes, bastard brother of mine,” Cassian sighed, spinning in his office chair. “I leave in the morning. I’ll see your ugly face tomorrow.”

His door opened, a beautiful dark haired, deeply tanned skin woman walking in, her hips swinging. Emerie smirked at him, holding a folder, and he took his time dragging his eyes over her. She looked extremely good in that tight black dress and he wanted to—

“Are you still there?”

“Sorry,” Cassian muttered, leashing his dirty thoughts. Now wasn’t the time. “Yes, Rhys, I’ll be there. I have everything set up, I’ll see you around one or two p.m.”

He hung up before Rhys could say anything else, turning his womanizing smile towards Emerie. She had started at the firm less than a year ago, and Cassian knew he shouldn’t have spent most of the time fooling around with her. But she was a good distraction, and she didn’t want anything from him besides friendship with benefits. She was also the only woman that had lasted this long in the past four years since he’d left Velaris. Most women only made it a few weeks, maybe a month or two.

“Dinner tonight before I leave?” he asked as she handed him the folder containing his next high profile law case.

“My pleasure,” she purred, winking as she left.

-

Despite Rhys’s protests, Cassian had decided to rent a car and stay at one of the two hotels in Velaris. He hadn’t been home once in four years; he felt awkward even being back in his old stomping grounds without the subtle tension his presence in Rhys and Feyre’s home would bring. He didn’t fit in anymore, and though his brother would never admit it, Cassian knew it was better to keep a distance. And he knew Rhys and Feyre would be busy with wedding planning, and his intrusion in their house would probably create more stress since he was staying through Christmas until the day after New Years, their wedding on the very first day of the year. Rhys and Feyre were disgustingly romantic like that.

After checking into the hotel and letting Rhys know he was on his way, Cassian decided last minute to take the scenic route to his brother’s home. He wasn’t sure what had pushed him to do it; curiosity, maybe. He hadn’t been home in four years.

Velaris hadn’t changed much in the years since he’d been gone. Honestly it was like looking into a time capsule— everything was almost identical to how it had been when he’d blown out of town to chase his dreams. Driving through the small town, he was immediately transported back in time to his high school and college days.

Ahead on his right was the park where he’d met Feyre, Nesta, and Elain not long after the Archeron family had moved to Velaris. He still remembered that night perfectly: he’d been having a normal conversation with Azriel when Feyre walked over, her sisters in tow, and his entire world had stopped the moment his eyes fell on Nesta. She was without a doubt the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen. Dressed simply in a gray t-shirt dress and sandals, her long golden brown hair was braided around her head. Cassian remembered marveling, knowing that something so intricate had to have taken quite a bit of time. Nesta hadn’t appreciated the staring, and made sure to tell him as much as soon as she walked up to him.

He abruptly shook himself out of the memory, trying to focus on driving so he didn’t get lost in his past and the girl who still haunted his dreams even four years later. But then just a bit further down the road, there was the restaurant where he’d taken her on their first date, almost a year after he’d met her. It had taken him so long to get her to go out with him, he honestly thought she’d just agreed to get him to leave her alone. But that night he’d walked her to the door and he’d said goodnight, not wanting to push her too far. He had moved to leave when she’d grabbed him by the shirt and kissed him. Nesta was the kind of girl who knew what she wanted, even back then, and that first kiss broke and remade him all at once.

The entire drive to Rhys’s house was a lot of the same. He passed their spot, a hidden trail leading back to a small lake that he’d taken Nesta to after six months of dating, which was where they had their first time. He still sometimes got embarrassed at how awkward he’d been then. He passed the Archeron’s old house, now occupied by a different family, which was where he told her he loved her for the first time. Everywhere he turned, memories of him and Nesta haunted him like a ghost. It left him unsettled, that despite years of silence and trying to forget and move on, Nesta was still so much a part of who he was.

He was glad when he finally pulled Rhys’s driveway, able to put the memories of the past to bed and focus on the present. His excitement at being home increased exponentially as he got out of the car; he’d missed his brothers, and despite how infrequently they communicated he still loved his family fiercely.

He knocked on the door twice and within seconds it was opening. He hadn’t expected it to be the tall and lithe woman his brother had been in love with nearly a decade, but his grin was genuine as Feyre laughed in delight and all but jumped into his arms, hugging him tight. He wrapped a strong arm around her, hefting her up as he pushed further into their house. He set her down and he ruffled her hair when she looked back at him.

She batted his hand away. “I was worried I wouldn’t recognize you.”

He raised a brow. “I’m hurt. It’s only been a few years.”

Feyre rolled her eyes and turned towards the staircase. “Rhys, my favorite brother is here!”

Cassian laughed as Rhys came down the stairs, shaking his head. “Gone four years and you’re already trying to steal my fiancée, brother.”

The two hugged firmly, and Cassian tried to ignore the tightness in his throat. He remembered the last time he’d seen Rhys in person. It had been a year after he left, and his brother had all but begged him to come home. But Cassian had been so entrenched in his work, climbing up the ladder at the law office he’d joined, and he’d refused. It had led to a huge argument, and though it had long since been resolved, Cassian still thought about it almost everyday.

“It’s good to see you,” Rhys told him, clapping him on the shoulder. “I hope you’re ready for some wedding planning because we have about five more seconds before Feyre darling sends you out on a task.”

Feyre’s slim hand smacked Rhys’s arm. “I was going to ease him into it.”

Cassian huffed a laugh, meeting his future sister-in-law’s eyes. “Tell me what you need.”

Feyre rattled off that she needed him to pick up all the stationary waiting at the printing shop, place cards and thank you notes and custom signs to scatter around the wedding venue. She gave him the receipt and told him where it was, even though it was unnecessary. It seemed that nothing had changed in this small town, and that included the local printing shop. He was willing to bet it was still owned by the same old woman that had printed their graduation announcements so many years ago.

The shop was near the town center, and he parked on the side of the road next to the library. He got out and looked at the towering structure, knowing that it used to be the town hall hundreds of years ago when Velaris used to only have a few hundred people. Now it was the library, and his mind drifted back to spending summers there, doing book reports on books he never actually read. He remembered finding Nesta there the next week after he’d met her and her sisters, nestled in a quiet corner with a book in her hands.

He’d been surprised; he’d only known her for a week but she had struck him as the reading type. He remembered he had come up to her to talk to her and she’d hid the book behind her back, a light blush staining her cheeks, taking his breath away which he had tried to hide with a laugh. He’d managed to grab the book from her hands and saw that it was one of the smutty romances that were in the adult section that he and his brothers had snickered at as young teens.

A slight smile turned his lips up as he remembered how embarrassed and angry she’d been, and how she’d gotten him back by “accidentally” spilling her drink all over his pants during lunch. He’d been mocked for weeks.

He blinked, pulling himself out of the memory, shaking his head slightly. Gods, he was going to go insane if he stayed in this town longer than he had to. It was bad enough he was here for over a week. He’d have to stay holed up in his hotel room as much as possible if he wanted to escape wave after wave of memories and nostalgia that seemed to crash into him without any warning.

Cassian headed down the street and grabbed all the wedding stationary from the printing shop. Sure enough, it was that same old lady. And she’d been delighted that he was back in town, patting his cheeks and telling him to come by before he left. He’d given her his charming grin, but he’d left feeling… off.

The drive back to Rhys and Feyre’s house was a blur, trying not to let his mind wander as he pulled into the driveway. Hefting the large paper bags that held everything Feyre had ordered, he walked up the steps and reached for the doorknob with his free hand.

The door opened before his fingers even brushed the cool metal, a figure he’d almost mistaken as Feyre standing in the doorway. She was dressed in dark blue scrubs, her golden brown hair braided in that all too familiar crown around her head. Her smooth, flawless face froze in an expression of pure shock, her full lips falling open as she stared at him.

He knew his own mouth was hanging open, his heart in his throat as he met the steel blue gaze of the woman he had known better than he’d known himself. A woman he’d loved fiercely for almost seven years, a face that haunted his dreams even when he tried so hard to forget her.

He hadn’t seen her, handn’t heard from her, hadn’t even heard her voice in four years but Nesta Archeron’s silky tone still managed to raise goosebumps along his skin as she blurted out, “What the fuck are you doing here?”

-

@werewolffprince

@schmlip-scribble

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@legallyhermione

@love-is-a-contradiction

@shyvioletcat

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@highqueenofelfhame

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[rhysismydaddy]

Fanny Pack Sexiness (Nessian Smut)

Prompt: *sensually unclips fanny pack* this is weird, i know. but i just saw a tweet and i thought if anyone could write this, it would be you.

Laughed so hard when I read this. If this isn’t Nessian, I don’t know what is. NSFW warning because I do love a fanny pack moment ;)

_________________________________________________________

Nesta glared out the window, keeping her unspoken vow to not look over at the atrocity that was her boyfriend. 

Well, that wasn’t not fair. 

The boyfriend himself was actually pretty nice to look at. 

Broad shoulders, a tall frame filled with meaty muscle, curly brown hair, and golden eyes made him interesting enough, she supposed. 

But it was what the bastard had chosen to wear that had driven her insane all day. 

The monstrosity was strapped around his waist currently, and she could’ve sworn it was laughing up at her. 

Consider this the first and last time she would ever travel with him. 

Because since it wasn’t obvious enough they were American, Cassian had chosen to wear a fanny pack. Over an I <3 LONDON shirt. Which he’d paired with khakis. 

He looked like the cover of a tourist’s guide made for forty year-old, single men who lived with their mothers. 

And she knew it was at least partly her fault he was dressed so stupidly, but she refused to apologize. 

Last night, they’d been heading out to dinner, when she commented that almost always, he wore all black. Honestly, it wasn’t even a complaint, considering she was guilty of the same thing. 

Why bother trying to put together prints and fabrics and colors, when black looked so nice on her? 

Anyway. She hadn’t been complaining. Teasing, but not complaining. 

But noooo. He’d immediately gotten that annoying, competitive look in his eyes that both made her smile and want to strangle him. 

“What would you like me to wear, Nesta?” he’d asked, golden eyes practically glowing. 

She’d sighed, probably making things worse. “I’m just saying, we look a little goth when we’re together.”

Cassian had just smiled down at her, then walked out of their room. She hadn’t thought any more of it when he’d slipped back in later that night, but then this morning, when he’d gotten dressed in the bathroom and opened the door with a flourish, she’d almost hit the floor. 

He was not built for fanny packs and khakis. 

He was built for... well, he was built to be naked all the time, but since that would probably get them sent back to the states, tight black shirts and jeans was a decent second option.

Plus, as if it weren’t bad enough already, he’d been adding to the ensemble all day, building up to the horrendous outfit she was currently avoiding looking at. 

His faded combat boots had been replaced with flip flops. His hair was tucked under a very large hat with a Big Ben outline across the front. He’d even stopped to buy a fucking old-fashioned pipe from the William Blake exhibit they’d gone to see. 

He was trying to drive her crazy. 

But little did he know, she had a few tricks up her sleeve. After three years together, she knew how to drive him crazy, too. 

So she’d plotted and schemed all day. And as they rode back to their hotel in the cab, it was finally time for it to come into play. 

Trying to be discrete, she nodded at the driver.

Cassian’s eyes shot to her as the man slammed on the brakes. It had costed her twenty Euros, but seeing the look of shock on her boyfriend’s face was so worth it. 

Especially as she shouted, “Drive him to the other side of the city and kick him out!”

And jumped from the cab. 

It was still moving a little, but she’d been prepared and hit the ground at a run. 

Manic laughter came out of her as Cassian turned around in the now-speeding cab, shouting something unintelligible back at her. 

He wanted to dress like a tacky tourist and drive her crazy? 

Fine. 

She’d just have to show him what he was missing out on. 

~

A little over an hour later, the door to their hotel room swung open, hitting the wall angrily. 

“That asshole took me halfway to fucking Essex, then had the audacity to charge me for the ride. Next time you have someone kidnap me, at least pay the fee, woman! I swear-”

Whatever he was about to say lodged in his throat as he took a look at what she was wearing. 

It was all new, and his eyes took in every piece of the wardrobe with a predatory gleam that sent her toes curling. But she acted unaffected, even as she bent down to fix the strap of her very high, very uncomfortable shoes. 

“What’s going on?” he asked, voice rough. 

Straightening, she shrugged and fluffed her hair. “I’m going to dinner.”

“You mean we’re going to dinner.”

Finally. 

Nesta turned towards her boyfriend, enjoying the way his eyes dipped to the almost indecent amount of cleavage on display. 

She traced her eyes over his entire rumpled, touristy outfit. “I’m not going in public with you while I look like this and you look like that.” 

His eyes narrowed as he finally caught on to what she’d done. “I’ll change then.”

It was a struggle not to laugh. “Well, you seemed so intent on replacing your wardrobe, I figured I’d help you out and dumped your suitcase.”

That was a lie. It was safely hidden down at the front desk. 

“You did what?”

Ignoring the question, she said, “You’re welcome. And since you can neither change nor go like that, I guess I’ll just see you later.”

Making her way to the door, she was abruptly stopped by a hand smacking into the wall closest to her, an arm now blocking her path. “Nesta Archeron, you are not going out looking like a goddamn supermodel while I sit here with my thumbs up my ass.”

“How you fill the alone time is irrelevant to me, Cassian.”

His other hand made its way to the wall, too, caging her in. 

“I know you wouldn’t throw my clothes out. Where are they? Tell me, and we’ll go to dinner.”

She shrugged, resolve to keep the secret building by the second. 

She was aware they were both a little competitive, but she didn’t care. She was winning this, one way or the other. He’d admit he’d been wrong to dress like an idiot today, then--and only then--she’d give him his clothes back. 

“I know what you’re doing,” he told her, the tone of his voice proving that it was working. 

He was suddenly so close she couldn’t think about anything else. 

Even dressed in head to toe tacky, he somehow managed to suck all the air out of her lungs. 

One hand turned his hat backwards so the brim wouldn’t poke her, and he leaned in close enough to run his nose down her neck. 

“Tell me, Nesta.”

“No.”

His teeth nipped at her skin, and she shivered. “Do I need to fuck it out of you?”

Gods, yes. Please. 

That hadn’t been her plan at all, but her body was more than on board with it. 

Except there was a bit of a problem. 

“You are not fucking me with a fanny pack on, hate to break it to you.”

Cassian pulled back far enough to wink at her, then his mouth was on hers, dominating her in the way that she’d only ever let him do. He pressed her against the wall, chest tight against hers, as he slipped his tongue in her mouth. 

Hands on her waist lifted her, and then she was being thrown halfway across the room onto the neatly-made bed. 

Propping herself up on her elbows, she glared over at him. 

“I was being serious, Cassian. You’re not getting any while you’re dressed like Uncle Sam.”

He swaggered over to the foot of the bed, the comment not at all impacting his confidence. 

“Allow me to remedy the problem then, princess.”

The hat’s the first to go, and it was a relief to see his unruly hair finally free. She heard the slap of his flip flops on the floor and figured he kicked them off, too. Cassian tugged the horrible, bright yellow “I <3 LONDON” shirt over his head, then stared at her, eyes narrowed. 

“I’m keeping the fanny pack.”

It was adorable how wrong he was. 

Raising an eyebrow, Nesta leaned back and let her thighs fall open, keying him into the fact that she’d somehow forgotten to put on underwear tonight. 

His jaw tightened, but he didn’t move to take off the damn pack. 

So she ran a manicured nail over her bottom lip, then slipped it in her mouth and sucked on it. She was pretty sure Cassian was about to pass out as she released it with a pop, then brought it between her legs. 

“Nesta.”

“Hmm?” she responded, the sound drawn out and breathy as she pushed the finger inside herself. 

“I like the fanny pack.” He sounded so sad, it was almost comical. Like a kid on Christmas who’d just been told Santa hadn’t come.

Too bad.

“Then stand there and watch.”

Oh, he did. His eyes were intent on her hands, both the one between her legs and the other that made it’s way to her breast. 

She rolled a nipple between her fingers and groaned, and he leaned down to fist the sheets at the end of the bed in his hands. “Fuck.”

Nesta refused to give first. Absolutely refused. 

And she knew what it would take for him to give in. So she added another finger, back arching off the bed, and worked herself until she was so close she couldn’t stay still. 

His knuckles were white as he gripped the comforter tight enough to threaten the strands, but it wasn’t that that forced him to lose their little battle. 

It was the sight of her coming undone before him. 

She moaned, and it might’ve been his name that fell from her lips, as release found her. When she heard the strangled, creative curse he let out, she knew she’d won. 

Forcing her eyes open, she watched as he finally unhooked the fanny pack and let it drop to the floor. 

It was the sexiest thing she’d ever seen. 

Cassian quickly kicked off his hideous khakis, then prowled up her body, dropping little love bights on her thighs, her hips, her breasts. 

“That was so hot,” he groaned as he settled between her thighs, bracing himself on his elbows. 

“That was the idea, idiot.”

He stopped for a moment, pulling back to give her a sour look. “I think I’m going to make you apologize for that.”

Before she could tell him there was a fat chance of that happening, he pushed into her. Nesta gasped, and his mouth was suddenly on hers, absorbing the sound. 

After a brief moment to adjust, his hips grew rough against hers, the grip he had on them almost bruising, but she didn’t care. 

“Fuck, Cass,” she groaned, arching into his touch as he drew little circles on the bundle of nerves between her legs. 

He picked up speed, pounding into her so hard she started shifting up the bed until he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, keeping her in place. 

Release started building up in her, and she could tell it would be almost too intense when it crested. But just before she got to find out, he slowed his rhythm, swirling his hips slowly against hers. 

An indignant, hateful sound left her mouth, and he pulled back enough to smirk down at her. 

“Say it,” he commanded, eyes like molten caramel as they watched her hips try to gain more friction. “Say you’re sorry, and I’ll give you what you want.”

“Fuck you,” she panted, barely resisting the urge to punch him. “You insufferable, arrogant bastard.”

“Not exactly what I want to hear, but close.”

A maddeningly slow circle of his hips had her regretting ever going out with him. 

Another had her planning his murder.

Yet another had her cursing the day he was born.

“Say it, Nesta. You know you want to.” He dipped his head to kiss the base of her throat. 

Her body was so strung out it was a miracle she didn’t burst into tears, but she somehow managed to hold off for another few minutes.

But then he grabbed her hands and pinned them above her head and all but growled, “Just fucking say it. Say it so I can fuck you like you deserve.”

And she was just desperate enough that she said, “I’m sorry I called you an idiot, you horrible asshole.”

He smiled down at her, and she glared. “Such beautiful words.”

“Cassian, I swear-”

The words became lost in her throat as he finally, finally started moving again, somehow harder and quicker than before. 

Release immediately crashed into her, and she moaned as she drew tight around him. 

“Good girl,” he murmured, and even though she currently hated him, the words just made the release that much sweeter. 

Especially as he didn’t stop. Her body was trembling underneath his, but he kept going, even dipping his head to kiss his way down to her breasts. 

His tongue swirled around the peak of one, and she groaned loudly as the wave inside her seemed to crash once more, leaving her scattered and broken in the aftermath. 

Cassian finally followed her lead, collapsing on top of her and pressing her into the mattress below as he said her name in a helpless, loving sort of way. 

Their breath was uncontrolled and loud, and it took a few minutes before either of them could speak. 

Then he asked roughly, “Now, where’d you hide my shit?”

“Front desk,” she panted, pushing her hair off her forehead with a tired hand. 

He drew back, looking over her partially-clothed body in a satisfied, male way that made her smile. “I really like that dress, in case it isn’t obvious. Want me to go change so we can eat something?”

Before she could respond, his mouth was at her ear, hot breath raising goosebumps across her skin. “Or do you just want to eat here?”

Suddenly, food was the last thing on her mind. 

Her hands found their way to his hair as she drew him back down to her. 

“Just get it tomorrow,” she murmured, lips finding his again. “And never wear that fanny pack again.”

_________________________________________________________

Like I said, I had WAY too much fun writing this hahaha. Kinda really loosely based on when Joey (Friends) went to London and dressed like a tourist :)

Tags: @sjm-things @santas-dwynwen @thebitchupstairs @sayosdreams @perseusannabeth @cursebreaker29 @a-bit-of-a-cactus @elriel4life @girl-who-reads-the-books @aelinfeyreeleven945tbln @highqueenofelfhame @tswaney17 @rowanisahunk @superspiritfestival @studyliketate @over300books @justgiu12 @maastrash @aesthetics-11 @bamchickawowow @b00kworm @sleeping-and-books @musicmaam @hizqueen4life @maybekindasortaace

[vidalinav]

Dance Like Your Falling In Love

Summary: One shot; Cassian doesn’t know how to dance, everyone tries to teach him but he’s hopeless.

I implore you to listen to The Dance from Martin Phipps, one of the best scores I’ve ever heard from BBC’s War and Peace. Please Please listen as you read. Youtube, Spotify. Whatever, This whole fic is based off of that score.

Masterlist

~

“You have faced beings larger than you, more powerful, more dangerous, and yet you’re telling me that you’re afraid to dance,” Rhys offered skeptically.

“I am not afraid…” Cassian grumbled. “I just don’t see why I have to do it.”

It, being the dreaded waltz that they were now discussing as being “necessary” for future political endeavors. Bull. Shit.

Feyre leaned her head back against the settee where Rhys was shuffling through papers. “The next meeting we have with the high lords will be at a ball.”

“And not just the high lords will be there,” Azriel chimed in, “the leaders from the continent as well.”

Cassian rolled his eyes. “So what? We have to show off our table manners to get them to sign a treaty?”

“Whatever it takes Cassian,” Mor sang from where she lounged on the couch.

“I’ve hired Anna Pavlova to come tomorrow to…” Rhys gave him a pointed glance, “brush up on our skills so to speak.”

Cassian’s look of disgust must have said enough, because Amren snickered at her position at the coffee table where she was completing a puzzle in the middle of their strategy meeting.

“That old hag,” Cassian complained.

Amren huffed a laugh, “Our skills,” she said mockingly, looking to Cassian. He tried not to take offense to that.

Cassian crossed his arms, sitting back as if he were a child who’d just learned he was getting extra lessons as opposed to dinner time and an hour of play. This was unfair.

“Remember to dress nice,” Azriel grinned.

Rhys looked to him with a teasing glint in his eyes, “You know how Madam Pavlova can get.”

~

Cassian did know how the Madam could get, so he chose to wear pressed slacks, in which he only owned one pair and a nice dress shirt that Cassian hoped was clean. He had found it in the back of his closet, and after asking Nuala for an iron he’d almost burned off the sleeve.

He wished he’d burned off the sleeve. Maybe then he could get out of this ridiculous lesson like he was twelve again. But no, knowing Rhys, he’d probably have a whole suit for him. Cauldron forbid, it would have probably been sky blue with frills.

That bastard.

He twisted the tie around his neck, and after several minutes of twisting and knotting and twisting some more, Cassian yanked it off and threw it on the ground, stomping on it as he let out his frustrations.

When he was younger, Madam Pavlova would pick and prod at his tie, saying, in that thick accent of hers, that it needed to be tied tighter so the neck will have no room but to remain straight and tall. He’d nearly tore it to pieces every night after their classes had finished.

It was their mother’s idea to put them in lessons and Rhys hadn’t minded so much, the bastard he was, and the Madam had praised Azriel as almost every tutor and trainer did. Cassian though, she’d complain about. He wasn’t doing enough, he was goofing off, he glued her bag to the stage… the last one still made him laugh on occasion. Point being, Madam Pavlova hated him, but mostly because try as he might, Cassian could not dance.

So, Cassian walked with a certain amount of apprehension through the gardens where this “brush up” would take place. An impressive array of flowers were around the square, most noticeably the incredible rose bushes that were tall and in full bloom surrounding the paved open space.

True to his High Lord’s excessiveness, there was practically an orchestra by the square, tuning their instruments and strumming lightly. Practicing for the event of the season, Cassian thought sardonically.  

As soon as he noticed the female, her gait tall and thin, Cassian shirked back, wanting to turn away. Madam Pavlova had not changed… and Cassian didn’t know what to do with that information. She was no closer to death and something about that made him snap at his luck.

She raised a brow at him as he entered, calling him forward in attention.

“Let me look at you.”

The others were already gathered, including Varian who’d stayed with Amren in the past week, and Nesta and Elain. The former he tried not to glance at, not even a little.

“Yeah Cassian, spin for us,” Rhys teased.  

Cassian flipped him off. At the displeased look from the Madam, Cassian lowered his hand slowly, grumbling to himself.

“You have grown since last I’ve seen you. Though I see, your clothes are still wrinkled and you can’t keep a tie.”

“You haven’t changed either, Madam. I see your still a bi—”

“Best we get started soon, I think,” Azriel interrupted.

The Madam smiled sweetly at Azriel. “Yes. Yes, my dear. The sooner we start, the better the dancers you become.”

She looked at them all, pursing her lips, her fingers pointing at each one of them. At last, she snapped.

“There is not enough partners!” the Madam raised, her voice going deep with displeasure.

The others looked at each other, perhaps deciding silently who would sit this one out, but it was Nesta who claimed the decision. She didn’t even acknowledge the Madam as she left the line of them, going to sit on a bench. He watched as she opened a book that she pulled out of her skirt and began reading as if that what she was planning to do all along.

Nesta promptly ignored them and she looked every bit the part of a painting. Picturesque boredom, Cassian would call it. Madam Pavlova looked to her and sniffed at the lack of manners, but Cassian snickered. It was perhaps the only entertainment he’d get today.

Leave it to Nesta to get under the old bat’s nerves. He almost felt proud.

The Madam knocked her cane next to his feet in attention, and when he looked away from Nesta, the Madam was standing in front of him a look of disdain on her face. Cassian tried not to feel twelve again, shrinking where he stood.

But she dismissed him, raising her nose and walking back through the line of them.

“To waltz is to dance as one. You and the other must constantly move with each other, anticipating the other’s move,” She stood taller, gesturing with her hands in length. Cassian wanted to laugh at the innuendo of size, but he was not a child. Besides, he doubted she’d appreciate the joke. “This is the space that should be between you and your partner, like magnets attract, you must remain within this space. Pushing, pulling, but always close.”

He could hear the wicked tap of her heels on the concrete. “Now when we begin, gentlemales, I want you to bow, and ladies, I want you to curtsy before and after the dance as properly instructed.”

Cassian watched as Rhys grabbed Feyre’s waist, pulling her forward as she rolled her eyes.

“You do know I don’t know how to waltz, don’t you?” She drawled.

“If I’m leading, Feyre darling, you know how to waltz.”

Feyre scoffed, laughing as she said, “You know, your ego might make us both fall over.”

When Cassian looked in front of him, Mor was grinning at him, taking his hand with confidence. Oh right, he thought to himself, she hadn’t arrived yet when they were first taught this. Well, she was in for a surprise.

He gripped her hand tightly, his back rigid as the music began to play. A cacophony of noise in the background. A melody of strings and woodwinds.

Cassian stepped forward as Mor stepped forward, and in a fit of perfect chaos that only he could cause, they smacked their foreheads together.

“Ouch,” Mor gasped, holding her head in her palms.

“Sorry,” Cassian mumbled, pretending his own head didn’t hurt.

Asking if she needed ice or a bandage, Mor simply rolled her eyes and grabbed his hand once more. Cassian looked to Madam Pavlova and he could see the glare in her eyes. She lifted her chin and Cassian knew it was her way of telling him to get to it.

And he tried…

“By the Mother, Cassian. It’s forward then right.”

Cassian threw up his hands, “It’s not my fault you’re leading. The male is supposed to lead!”

“I wouldn’t have to lead if you were good at dancing!”

“Enough,” the Madam called out, stomping her cane as she eyed them all. “Switch partners.”

Elain went to Rhys, Mor to Azriel, and Feyre, at last, to him. Amren refused to let go of Varian, and he thought she might have latched on to him like a spider monkey if they tried to pull her away.

Feyre smiled up at him, and laughingly curtsied as he remembered to bow. Grabbing his outstretched hand, she titled her head with concern, probably feeling how clammy his hands had gotten.

“Relax Cassian,” Feyre spoke, her brows furrowing. “It’s just like being on the battlefield.”

“How do you mean?” He asked a little too eagerly.

“Well, I’d think you’d agree that there’s a certain level of movement in battle that resembles dancing. A step here, a step there, parry, cross…”

Cassian nodded slowly, his voice sounding out of breath. “Okay. Parry. Cross.”

But when Cassian tried this technique, he only ended up stepping on her toes. He could hear Rhys and Az snickering in the background as he profusely apologized to Feyre.

“Ten silvermarks says he trips her next.”

“Twenty says they both land on the floor.”

Cassian chose to ignore his friends, making a mental reminder to beat them when they trained later in the evening.  

“Okay,” Feyre exhaled, “One step, two step—Ow!”

“Sorry! Sorry!”

He heard the hard tick of the cane abruptly hit the concrete and the deep sigh of disappointment as Madam Pavlova stopped the music. He watched as she covered her eyes with her hands, as if she couldn’t stand to see the shame.

“We will start again,” She announced with that thick accent of hers, “Switch again.”

They began to shift, but Cassian caught Nesta’s gaze. Her book abandoned, sitting at her side and he mentally grumbled that his pain must have been entertaining to her.

Technically Amren was next, but she pushed Elain towards him.

“No chance I’m dancing with him.”

Cassian made a face.

Elain giggled. Flowers were tucked in her hair, and as she curtsied the petals glided in the soft wind. Cassian bowed sheepishly, already regretting being paired with someone as sweet as her. He knew she wouldn’t tell him when he hurt her, and he already felt guilty as the music started.  

“I apologize in advance for stepping on your feet.”

He was right of course, because when the monotonous tune once again stopped abruptly, Elain smiled through the pained expression.

And it was that look that made deep frustration fill his chest. After all this time, after all this practice, he could still not waltz. He had not learned at twelve, he’d not learned at five like Rhys or Mor. No tutors or governesses had taught him how to be adequate. All Cassian had learned as a child was to hit where it hurt and to take anything he could get his hands on.

His mother would’ve been ashamed.

Rhys’s mother—the only mother he knew—would have sat back and sighed. As disappointed as Madam Pavlova. He could almost see it, the look as the Madam had told her that he wasn’t progressing like Rhys and Azriel were. That he wasn’t fit for the life of a socialite or high-class citizen. He was rubbish, bastard trash.  

It will bring you skill in battle and luck in love, she’d said as he did behind the desk, waiting for the classes to be over.

Cassian didn’t feel skilled or lucky, and he clenched his fists, his impatience sounding as loud as that orchestra that played the same tune over and over. He wanted to go over there and shove that flute up the musician’s—

Cassian felt a hand on his shoulder and his gaze landed on hers as he settled his hand on her waist.

Her hair was in that ever-present coronet, but today, it had been tied with a white bow on the back. Cassian could see the ends of the ribbon touch her neck, flapping lightly. His eyes drifted the whole of her. She was wearing a sleeveless dress, the short straps bordered by delicate lace at the shoulders and neckline and all of her looked like the picture of elegance. A beautiful, proper lady.

He was not fit to hold her, not really. Not even if he wanted to, even if he imagined it sometimes—when he allowed himself to dream. Cassian was certain of it as she grasped his hand. It was so much smaller than his, her skin so much softer than the callouses that lined his palms.

Nesta blinked up at him, her long lashes casting shadows along her face. The teal color of her gown brought out the blue in her eyes.

A perfect female indeed.

As the music started, he felt the strongest urge to pull away so she could not see how inadequate he was. Never mind that she’d never see him that way. Cassian did not want her to see him in any way that pointed out his flaws. He’d already shown her too many.

But she took in a breath, her chest rising and falling, and he unconsciously did the same. A calm setting over them like the soft notes of a piano playing.  

“It’s just you…” She said softly, lower than the whisper of notes. He focused on her mouth as she spoke, eager for the words to reach his ears. She moved a step. Cassian lured by her movement, followed. “And me…” She mouthed as she moved another, her grip warm in his palm.

“And the music.”

Cassian didn’t realize they’d been moving as he stared, staying closer to her. As she moved, he moved, as she dipped he followed. If she spun he was there, holding her hand to bring her back to him as if they were in orbit. The earth and the moon in constant rotation, holding each other together as they traveled around the sun.

The music slowed around them, and it was not the same sound as when they began. Perhaps, Cassian had tuned it out altogether in favor of staring into Nesta’s eyes as if she could see all the way to his soul.

She had come to him, come to his rescue when he was panicked and alone, and Cassian once again felt it in his chest—that deep feeling that… Nesta had known him for all his life. Had understood his darkest places, his bitterest fears.

They slowed to a stop, but Cassian didn’t let go until the clapping started. Nesta cringed as she pulled away, clapping slowly as she chose to look anywhere but at him.

He didn’t look at the others, but he thought perhaps they’d been watching them for their applause was… teasing and careful.

“Oh!” Cassian gasped. Nesta’s gaze flew to his, but he merely bowed lowly, his hair hanging from his face.

Nesta smiled lightly, a soft, cautious tilt of her lips. Her neck and back were straight as she curtsied, grace in every moment.

She backed away from him, and Cassian tried not to reach for her, tried not to be noticeably discomforted from that lack of closeness. He watched as she picked up her book, and settled back on the bench, her teal gown bright against the red rose bushes.

He refused to look at the others as he turned away, but Cassian looked to Madam Pavlova.

She was nodding slowly in approval.  

~

@allilal @ekaterinakostrova @soitsgorgeous (I forget who to tag. So I just tagged people I know??)

I honestly don’t know where this came from because I wrote it in a hour, which clearly says I’m a liar when I say I cannot write in a timely fashion. 

Umm, I hoped you liked it. It was technically I guess suppose to go in my longer fic, but since ACOSF is coming out soon, I feel like I won’t finish that, so I’m thinking of just posting one shots of things that happen. But Idk. This might have just been a shot in the dark. 

Anyways Happy New Year!!! Nessian makes everything better!

Comment, Reblog, Like for more and happy reading!

[julemmaes]

Pinky Promise - Prologue

A/N: Here it is, finally! I know you all have waited literally less than 24 hours for this, but still:) Like I said yesterday, this is mainly Nessian, but considering it’s a multichapter fic it’ll have others couples too, obviously. Some might not be your favorites and the beginning of the fic is kinda tough for this reason, but I hope it’s worth waiting. + I don’t know if any of you read Crescent City, but if you did, expect this first part to be like the first hundred pages of the book, it’s just info-dump. I’ll leave you to the chapter now.

Uh and p.s. thanks to all of you who commented and started following me. I feel loved tbh, I appreciate each and every one of you darlings

Fic Masterlist

Word count: 3,938

Nesta had just stepped outside the classroom when a cramp slightly more painful than the others made her hold her breath. She stopped in the middle of the hallway, apologizing to one of the girls who was attending the course with her when she bumped into Nesta, waiting for the pain to end and for her to continue walking without feeling as if her stomach were opening up from the inside. She took three deep breaths and walked towards the exit.

Cassian should have been out by now and if he wasn't there Nesta would have made him pay for it. He knew she had her period and he knew she hated waiting, so it would be wise of him to be on the street as soon as she reached the gates.

She huffed, rubbing her hand over her face, and squinted when she saw her boyfriend's green military Jeep parked just outside the university gardens. She lowered her head, clutching her jacket and protecting herself from the winter cold of Velaris. She speeded past when lightning struck the sky and found herself in the parking lot.

Azriel and Cassian were talking animatedly about something, probably sport, Nesta thought, seeing how they were both excited and by the gestures they made, but as soon as Cassian saw her, his face lit up and he smiled at her, interrupting whatever he was doing. He went up to her, "Hi sweetheart." He put his hands on her face and pulled her towards him, kissing her before Nesta could return the greeting. She closed her eyes, keeping her hands in her pocket but rejoicing at that touch. When Cassian broke away looking at her with that cocky smile on his face, Nesta had her eyes closed and her forehead wrinkled.

Cassian frowned, "What is it?" he asked her, taking the bag from her shoulder and turning towards the trunk. Normally she wouldn't let him take the bag, she could do it very well on her own, but she was too tired and sore to even bicker over these little things. Cassian must have noticed it too, because looking at Azriel on the other side of the car he made him understand that he wanted to talk to her for a moment. The older waved to Nesta and she barely had time to give him a small smile before he disappeared in the back of the car.

She looked up just in time to see Cassian approaching again as he wrapped her in his arms, holding her to his chest. This time she took her hands out of her pockets to hug him in turn. She heard him take a deep breath, "Rough day?" he murmured in her hair, where he left a kiss a few seconds later. Nesta nodded, muttering something in his chest. "Hmm," he said looking at her with distrustful eyes, "Can you hold on for a few more minutes before I take you home or?"

Nesta broke away, walking toward the passenger seat, Cassian had already got in and was starting the car when she sat down and her feet cried out in relief that she no longer had to stand. "Why? Do you have to pick up Rhysand?"

She heard Azriel snort, "When are you going to start calling him Rhys?"

Nesta turned just enough to show the determined expression on her face. "When those two stupid siblings of ours decide to cut the bullshit and get together."

"Touché."

Cassian turned left. "Yes, his car is at the mechanic's and with the bus strike he doesn't know how to come back." he answered her initial question. He glanced at her sideways when she yawned, resting her head on the window. "But if you're too tired I can drop you off and then go get him."

"Nono, don't worry. It's okay." Nesta murmured, remembering something else, "I should also stop by Elain's store to pick up some things, if you don't mind..." she grunted in pain when another cramp twisted her stomach. Azriel leaned forward between the two seats, "Are you alright?"

Cassian shook his head, "I'm taking you home. We'll stop by Ellie's, don't worry."

"I said it's okay, I can handle it." she gave him a withering look and when he put the blinker on to turn right, towards her apartment, she moved to remove it.

Cassian was about to retaliate and say that she shouldn't touch the steering wheel when he's driving, but Azriel interfered before they could start arguing.

"There's no problem, we can go to Elain's and take everything," he said in a calm and gentle tone. This only made Nesta angrier, who turned to Azriel with a murderous look. "I said I can handle it, stop treating me as if I were on the verge of death".

Her boyfriend puffed, changing gears. "You're not on the verge of death and I'm sure you could survive an extra hour or so, but don't you think going home and taking a hot shower and relaxing is better than having to stay out here in the cold with the three of us?" he gave her a sly smile when he saw Nesta stiffening up to the idea of a hot bath. "Think carefully before you answer."

Nesta whispered a "fine" under her breath and a few minutes later Cassian was approaching the Archeron apartment. She got out and took her things, before leaning into the car and leaving a peck on Cassian's lips.

Her boyfriend gave her a soft smile, before raising his hand and pulling up only his right pinky. Nesta shook her head chuckling, intertwining her pinky with his.

"See you in a little while, sweetheart." Nesta nodded, caressing his arm.

"Bye babe, bye Az." she couldn't stop herself before realizing they had company. She wasn't used to being so numb with pain and it never happened that she called Cassian babe in front of other people, much less their family.

Azriel's eyes opened wide. "Babe? That's new." he got out of the car to get into the front seat and Cassian punched him in the shoulder. "Fuck off Az- take care." he said finally turning to Nesta, before rushing to the elementary school where Rhysand worked.

Opening the door of the building she remembered something important. She cursed under her breath and rumbled in her purse looking for her cell phone as she entered the elevator. She quickly dialed Elain's number and only after two rings did her sister answer:

"Hey Nesta!" she seemed as happy as ever, "What's up?"

"Cassian and Azriel should come by to pick up the package that arrived yesterday, under no circumstances should Cassian see the sender so can you please tear out any evidence on the box?" she heard muffled noises and then Elain said goodbye to a customer. "Sorry to interrupt you while you're working, but it's really important."

"Uh, don't worry, it's pretty calm today." she said cheerfully. "Is it the book?"

Nesta nodded, opening the door to the appartment, realizing later that her sister couldn't see her, "Yes, it's the book and it would be better if he didn't shake the box too much, I have the feeling that that thing is twelve thousand years old and could disintegrate at any moment." Elain giggled.

"Sure, I'll erase every address and name, I've got this."

"Thank you."

They talked a little bit more about what they were going to do that night and after another five minutes on the phone Nesta was finally alone and at peace in the quiet of her room while taking off her skinny jeans and sweaty t-shirt and getting ready for a hot bath.

As soon as she was immersed in the water, with bubbles bursting around her ears and a glass of red wine in one hand, she started thinking about how she was going to ask Cassian to move in together.

They had met in high school, when her family had moved in after her mother's death. It had taken her months before she started talking to anyone at school and one day, because of something that had happened with Feyre, she arrived late and the only free seat had been next to Azriel. She liked him right away, he was quiet and never asked her anything, not even what her name was, but they exchanged that embarrassed smile between friends-not-friends when they met in the hallway. Cassian had never really spoke to her either, but she knew that he was Azriel's friend and he usually joined them when they studied together during the breaks.

I wasn’t long before they all became great friends.

One day, during the second year, Azriel told her that there would be a party and that if she wanted she could come. Nesta had obviously refused.

With the economic condition they were in, it was already a lot if they could buy a new pair of shoes for Feyre every year, who was still growing up, and she certainly wouldn't know what to wear.

Azriel hadn't given up, however, and invited her to whatever party he went to, not as if they were dating, but as a friend would have done. Little by little they began to go out together. Relatively calm things: movies, dinners at the various fast food restaurants Velaris offered and sometimes they went for hikes in the mountains with Rhysand, who had just started high school. Most of the time Cassian would go with them, especially during the study sessions, but instead of studying he acted as a disturber and it took Nesta a long time before she realized how much she really liked that character.

How good he was inside and the things he would do for those he loved. He was to be admired, a boy so young, who had lost as much as she had, if not more, but who faced everyday life with that silly smile on his face.

During the middle of the fourth year, Azriel stood her up at the last minute because something had happened with Rhysand, and he had to run to help. Cassian, who was already with her that day, decided to stay, thinking Azriel was more than capable of helping Rhysand on his own, and invited her to eat something. Nothing serious, a dinner between friends. While they were about to pay, at the end of the evening, Nesta received a call from the hospital.

Her father had had a heart attack and died.

It had been Feyre who had found him coming back from an evening out with Elain, only 13 years old, as she had found their mother's body almost five years earlier. Nesta had panicked and the only thing that hadn't completely driven her insane that night was Cassian's presence.

He took her to the hospital and stayed with her every step of the way, every procedure, every signature and every document.

Both he and Azriel helped the sisters throughout the long custody trial of Elain and Feyre and they were there when Nesta became the legal tutor of the two minors when she turned 18. Even Rhysand, although he was only 16 at the time and couldn't help much, was very close to the Archeron family.

It was only after spending almost a year trying to find a way to continue living with the weight on her shoulders that she realized that without Cassian she would’ve never been able to get through something like this.

Nesta had started working immediately after the death of her father, continuing her studies anyway, and very often Cassian acted as her driver, taking her from one place to another. He also gifted her with many movie nights and occasionally went shopping for her and her sisters.

She knew he was doing this because he understood what it was like to not have enough food in the house to feed the rest of the family.

She had known for a long time that the boy was lost in her: she saw it in the way he looked at her, in the way he protected her every time Tomas passed by, knowing exactly what had happened during the third year, she knew it from the way he presented her to others, as a strong and independent woman, proud to be his friend. And yet, although they both knew about the strong feelings between the two of them, no one ever acted on it.

They danced in this limbo between friendship and love and when one day Cassian brought a girl home, Nesta exploded. For hours, they were at each other's throats, screaming things they didn't really mean, driven by anger towards the other but also towards themselves.

They got together immediately afterwards.

They did not need a trial period to see if it would ruin what they already had. It would never happen and they knew it too well. Nothing could've broken that bubble of theirs. Nothing.

They had been together for six years now and the only reason they still didn't live together was that Nesta didn't want to leave Feyre alone while she was still studying. She was going to let Feyre get her degree and find a steady job to support her before she moved out so that her little sister could focus on studying. But now it was only a few months away, and then they would both be free from college. Feyre would get her painting degree and Nesta would finish her master's degree in aerospace engineering, quit that stupid job as a salesgirl and find a job in one of Prythian Space Agency's research labs.

And above all, Nesta couldn't wait to finally go live with the love of her life.

***

Cassian had just parked in front of Rhysand's school when the sky split apart and the rain started coming down like it was the apocalypse day. He squeezed the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles turned white and leaned his head on the horn, making Azriel jump next to him. He closed his eyes sighing.

"You haven't told her yet, have you?" his brother whispered, as if he were almost afraid to ask.

Cassian laughed, but there was no trace of amusement in that sound. He turned his head toward Azriel just in time to see Rhysand swoop into the back seat, completely soaked from head to toe, with a shocked expression on his face.

Azriel waved and Rhysand sat down better, closing the door with force. "Hello beautiful," he said with his charmer act. "What have you got for me? How were your days?"

Azriel waited to answer, wanting to know first what Cassian was going to do with all the shit he was in. Rhysand must have realized what the atmosphere was because the smile died on his lips and he leaned forward, "What were you talking about before I arrived?" he asked with a hint of concern in his voice. Cassian looked over his shoulder and sighed again, this time more loudly.

"The bigass elephant in mine and Nesta's room."

"Uh-oh." said Rhys.

"Yeah, uh-oh."

"Haven't you told her yet?" asked the youngest.

Cassian shook his head, keeping his eyes fixed on the road and contracting his jaw, "We're still together, or not? So I'd say no, I haven't told her."

Azriel scratched his cheek, avoiding looking directly at him. "When are you going to do it?"

"I was thinking of doing it tonight, after dinner, but seeing that she's not doing so well, I guess I'll have to take a rain check." he turned into the street of Elain's store.

"Don't you think it's risky?" Azriel continued to ask. "I don't say the thing itself, but waiting so long to tell her. We all know Nesta, she’ll need a lot of time to accept it. You can't just drop the bomb and then run away."

In other circumstances he would have laughed at that rough joke, but he wasn't in the mood at all. The fact that he would have left Nesta to enlist and probably go and drop bombs in war territories was not a prospect he particularly liked.

"I'll find a way to do it without breaking her heart and give her time to accept it, don't worry".

"Wait," Rhys stopped him. He turned off the car directly in front of the flower shop and saw Azriel turn toward the entrance with a lost smile on his lips. Cassian scoffed, shifting his gaze in front of him again.

The Archeron sisters and their fucking perfect personalities.

"Are you going to break up with Nesta?" concluded Rhysand looking at him through the rearview mirror with a serious look.

Cassian turned around with a bewildered expression on his face, "God, no! What's wrong with you?" Azriel had also recovered from his short circuit called Elain and looked at the two brothers with his mouth slightly wide open.

Rhys raised his hands in defense, "Sorry, I misunderstood."

Cassian could hardly believe that Rhysand had thought such a thing. They remained silent watching the raindrops hit the glass when someone knocked hard on Azriel's window and all three of them jerked in fear. The figure outside the car moved and opened Rhysand's door as they got in.

“Hey guys.” Elain had a radiant smile on her face and seemed to be illuminated with her own light. Azriel had turned around so quickly on the seat that Cassian wondered how he hadn't broken his neck or pelvis. Rhysand leaned forward to give her a quick hug.

It didn't take Elain more than three seconds to realize that something was wrong, "Are you alright?" she asked worried, putting her hand on Azriel's seat. "You have such long faces," she said.

Rhys burst out laughing, "We're fine, don't worry."

Elain smiled at him, "Okay perfect, because Nesta and I have planned a pretty good night and when, not if, you get drunk I wouldn't want to have to comfort you because you're sad."

Cassian turned around at that point, with a lopsided smile, so that she wouldn't doubt their moods. "I like this idea."

"Good." said Elain with a smile on her face. She pointed to the store behind her and gestured with one hand, "I could use a strong pair of arms to take out some boxes for Feyre and Nesta and some vases. They're not big, but they weigh more than me and it's pouring down, I wouldn't want to trip and die because of the cyclamens."

Before anyone else could answer Azriel was already outside the car and inside the store.

Cassian and Rhysand laughed as Elain blushed. She got out of the car following their brother.

"Holy moly, those two are crushing so bad," whispered Rhys as he looked toward the entrance.

Cassian opened his eyes wide, bursting out laughing. The younger brother turned to him, confused. "What are you laughing at?

"Nothing at all.” Cassian ran his hand over his eyes, actually smiling, "I'm just thinking about how stupid you and Az are."

Rhys looked at him badly in the mirror, "We're not stupid." then he crossed his arms over his chest, leaning against the seat and looking up. "You know very well why neither of us has been able to take a step forward yet," he paused briefly, "At least I, am not going to do anything until she decides to leave Tamlin willingly."

Cassian nodded with a serious expression this time, knowing exactly how the conversation would continue if he answered verbally. They talked about Feyre so often, about her relationship with Tamlin, that Cassian seemed to have learned a script to recite every time.

He looked out the window, watching Azriel laughing with Elain. Probably the brother in the worst situation was him.

Elain and Lucien had been together forever. Cassian had met little Ellie when she was still only 14 years old and they had been together for a year already. It was a special relationship, theirs.

When they had started the second year of high school they had decided to break up after almost four years, considering it the best thing to do. After all, theirs was what you might call a childish love. They had been apart for a few months, but when the girls' father had died, Lucien and Tamlin had been very supportive of the younger sisters. More than everyone in their group liked to admit.

Cassian and Azriel had already met all three sisters when the misfortune happened and it didn't take Rhysand long to build a solid relationship with both of the younger two.

When Elain announced that they were back together, Azriel realized that it affected him far more than necessary. By now he had been stuck in his role as the world's “bestest” friend - as Elain liked to call him - for seven years.

He had had other girlfriends over time, but never anything serious and none of them had ever managed to make him really fall in love. It was also very complicated to describe the kind of relationship those two had. Lucien was always ready to pull him into the middle of their quarrels and Elain systematically went to Azriel crying, telling him that Lucien did not understand that their relationship was much more like that of two siblings.

The first time Azriel had spoken to Cassian about it, almost two years after Mr. Archeron's death, he had burst out laughing. His brother had remained silent for years in the friendzone while Cassian lived his best life with Nesta.

When it came to Rhysand and Feyre it was a whole different story.

When they met, Feyre was already very close to Tamlin. Hanging out only with her older sister and her boyfriend, it seemed natural that she and Tamlin would end up together, but Rhysand was still shocked when one day she came home, during her fourth year of high school, followed by him, and reintroduced him to everyone as her boyfriend.

The thing that no one could understand was how they could still be together after all these years.

Cassian knew from Nesta and Rhysand that the first years of their relationship were all peaches and cream. They seemed like the perfect couple. Tamlin's family had also helped Feyre with her college tuition, getting her into the Academy of Fine Arts supervised by one of his father's many friends.

They had been together for five years now and the only thing everyone was sure of was that when an Archeron sister gave her heart to someone, she would never ask for it back.

Cassian knew how much the overall situation weighed on both his brothers, but you can't control your heart and he couldn't advise anything else but to wait.

Azriel got back in the car alone and when Cassian turned to him to ask him where Elain was, he seemed upset.

"Everything alright?" he asked cautiously.

"I'm not going to talk about it."

Cassian exchanged a confused look with Rhysand through the mirror and when Elain got into the car looking just as upset, they fell silent.

Cassian sighed and held the steering wheel tighter. The evening was going to be interesting.

The ringing of a phone echoed in the cockpit.

"Mor and Amren are already at Nesta's -" said Rhys, "it seems they've already opened the wine."

Elain snorted, looking out the window with a severe glare. "Good, because we're going to need a lot of it tonight."

"A lot." Azriel repeated gritting his teeth, frowning even more.

Definitely interesting.

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@tottenhamboys20 @sjm-things @kris10maas @awesomelena555 @sannelovesreading @queenamydien29 @ireallyshouldsleeprn @messyhairday-me @nxssian @observationanxioustheorist @my-fan-side @booksstorm @maastrash @sayosdreams @thedarkdemigod

[elrielllll]

14.“If you don’t hug me right now I think I might fall apart.” Fluffy?? Maybe??

Fluff?? Or angst?? How’s about BOTH

Also here is the link for the prompt list, keep them coming, I’m looking forward to writing them, (in between school work so bare with me lol)

Elain felt sorry for the bread dough. She really did. When she said that it was taking a beating, she meant it.

She had just come back from checking up on Nesta. Elain knew that she didn’t want to see her, she’d made that abundantly clear, but she couldn’t leave her alone.

Even so, Nesta’s outright refusal to see her had hurt, more than she’d ever admit, everyone already thought that she was fragile enough already.

This bread would not see her as weak though, not with the way she was slapping it onto the counter top. She was boss here.

The twins were busy, she didn’t know what they were doing but they had taken one look at her face and scarpered, rambling on about something they had to do. Elain was thankful for those two, but right now she wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone.

They knew when she wanted to be alone, but the only issue was when she had no one distracting her was that all her thoughts bubbled to the front of her mind and tended to overflow.

She needed something to take it out on, to channel it, and unfortunately the bread was the victim today. Last week it was the weeds.

Elain grabbed a bag of flour, ready to abuse the dough some more, when her hand slipped and it went everywhere. Everywhere.

She groaned, looking at the dusting that covered the counter, the bread, the floor and the table, how on earth did it manage to get there? She stomped her foot in anger, fists clenched, huffing through her gritted teeth and rubbing at her eyes- this was not her day.

She needed a brush. That was it, to sweep it up. She took one step and went flying, landing on her back with a squeal as all the air was knocked out of her. She lay there, eyes closed.

Just take deep breaths Elain. Then you won’t want to kill cooking ingredients.

She was sure the whole world was against her today. She sat up slowly, letting her head drop into her hands as she felt all the emotions from the last day fizzle up. She blinked back the sting of tears, crying wouldn’t solve anything.

“Elain?”

Elain quickly wiped away any tears that managed to escape and forced a smile onto her face before letting Azriel know where she was, “I’m here.”

He rounded the table to see her sitting in a pile of flour, it was all over her dress and it seemed to flock to her face. Her hair was covered in a dusting of white, she was sure that he thought she looked like an absolute mess. He wasn’t wrong.

He’d been home for a while by the looks of it, still in his leathers as usual, but his hair wasn’t tousled by the wind and his cheeks weren’t red from the cold. His eyebrows drew together slightly as he looked her over before stepping towards her, hand outstretched to help her up.

She waved him off, grabbing the counter to pull herself to her feet, “I’m fine, thank you.” He nodded, putting his hands in his pockets and stepping back, leaning his hip against the counter. His face betrayed nothing, as usual and Elain could feel herself flushing, why did he have to turn up just then?

She smoothed her hands over her apron, trying to regain a bit of dignity and turned around to get the brush, when she walked straight into the cupboard door.

She let out a yelp and  brought her hand up to her head, the other gripping a chair. She heard Azriel move towards her again, “are you-”

“I’m fine,” she hissed and then mastered herself, she didn’t mean to talk to him like that. “I’m fine.” Her voice was lighter this time, but her face was like thunder and she made sure to keep her back towards Azriel.

She reached up to slam the door shut and narrowly avoided slamming her fingers in the door as well. She let out a slow breath, she didn’t want to have a meltdown in front of Azriel.

Elain faced the bread that she was making again and got back to work, she had plenty of flower now she scoffed. Azriel was still stood there, and she could feel his gaze on her, watching her as he might do a frightened animal.

She ignored him, she wasn’t in the mood to talk, or be polite even, and Azriel was the only person she was comfortable enough with to ignore, so she just carried on and tried not to let the feeling of his eyes on her take over.

It felt like hours later when he finally spoke, “What’s wrong Elain?” He asked, and Elain thought that she’d never heard his voice so soft.

She chuckled a little, “that’s a loaded question isn’t it?”

He shifted and she just knew that he was cocking his head at her. “Well that depends, what’s on your mind?”

Maybe it was because someone was showing interest, or maybe it was that she was still covered in flower, or even maybe what had happened earlier, but Elain found that it all just came spilling out, “I’m alone!” She threw down her rolling pin, glaring at it when it glanced off her foot. “I’m alone,” she said again, quieter this time.

“Nesta doesn’t want me near her and Feyre’s too busy with her new family, which is great!” Elain threw her arms up and then stopped for a second. Azriel didn’t even move, if she thought he was being careful with her before, then she had no clue what to call this. 

“No, it is great.” Elain admitted, placing a hand on her forehead and the other on her hip. “I’m happy for her, she deserves it, and this,” she gestured around, “this is what I’ve always wanted for her, but I always just assumed that I’d be part of it too.” She looked down, hands gripping the fabric of her dress as the reality came crushing down on her.

She really was alone.

“And then to top it all off, I dropped my flour.” Elain gave a little laugh and her eyes welled up inhumanly fast. She blinked and looked up at Azriel through watery eyes. He was chewing the inside of his cheek, half looking like he wanted to go to her and half like he wanted to run very very far away. Maybe for the first time, Azriel had no clue what to do.

Elain sniffled, “if you don’t hug me right now I think I might fall apart.”

That got rid of any hesitation on his part and he was across the room in seconds, even managing to avoid slipping on the flour, was flour actually slippy or was she just clumsy? Elain didn’t know and did care when she closed her eyes and let herself be pulled into his arms. He wrapped one around her back, the other coming to cup the back of her head. She sighed as she was enveloped in his warmth, and was bombarded  by this overwhelming sense of safety. Elain couldn’t remember the last time she’d had a hug.

Elain looked at his shirt, seeing the flour attaching onto him. She rubbed at it, trying to get it off. “It’s fine,” he hummed.

Elain just pressed her face into his chest, inhaling deeply.

“You’re not alone Elain.”

Elain smiled against his shirt, “neither are you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes I know it’s cheesy IM SORRY

Tags:

@sleeping-and-books @meowsekai @awkward-avocado-s @superspiritfestival @abraxos-is-toothless @stars-falling @thesirenwashere @queen-of-glass @nite0wl29 @negativenesta @illyrian-bookworm @theshadowsinger-and-thefawn @b00kworm @tswaney17 @qoingcrazy @lovemollywho @tyheronthorn @gorl-power  @fucking-winchester-trash @keshavomit @a-happybird @mysweetvilllain @captainthefangirlofhp @rhiannonn22 @maastrash @azriel-archeronn @empress-ofbloodshed @judexcardanxgreenbriar @dreamerforever-5

[darling-archeron]

Going Home

Aka the holiday fic I never posted. Feyre is stranded in the airport on Christmas Eve, but luckily she runs into a familiar face. Modern AU, Feysand.

Everything was falling apart. 

I could feel the weight pressing on my chest as my eyes started burning with tears I refused to let fall.

This is fine this is fine. Breathe.

I tried to take calming breaths as I hurried through the airport, not sure where I was going.

The breakup and subsequent loss of my job had been bad to begin with. 

Then, Nesta and Elain had decided not to come to California since Dad’s health issues prevented him from joining them. At least, that was what Elain had said. Nesta probably hadn’t wanted to come in the first place.

So I had decided to fly to them last minute. The overpriced plane ticket cost money I couldn’t spare, but it would be worth it if I could see my friends and family in New York for the first time in ages.

The flight had a two-hour layover in Illinois, which shouldn’t have been a problem. Until the Illinois-New York flight was cancelled, leaving me hopelessly stranded in the Chicago airport. Even worse, on Christmas Eve.

After the initial panic, I had pulled myself together and rescheduled my flight for 3:30 tomorrow. But after the plane ticket, I definitely didn’t have enough money for a hotel stay unless I wanted to fall more behind on my student loan payments. Not an option.

I didn’t know anyone in the city, which left me with...what? Sleeping in the airport all night? 

Just then, my phone buzzed.

Nesta: Elain just told me you lost your job at Springfield.

Damn it. I had sworn her to secrecy after she had accidentally found out, but it was only a matter of time before my middle sister had let something slip. I had been hoping to keep it quiet until after Christmas. Nesta meant well, but she’d be badgering me about the details, about what I had done wrong, about why it had happened. It was easier to pretend I hadn’t been let go for unsavory reasons.

I was so tired, and the tears had finally spilled over. And somehow, I had ended up in the food court, standing there like an idiot. Exhausted, I sat down on the nearest bench, about to place my head in my hands when -

“Feyre?”

My head shot up at the familiar voice. In front of me stood a tall, dark-haired man I hadn’t seen in over a year.

“Rhysand?” My voice came out thick, my nose clogged up from the crying.

Of course. Of course I would run into Rhysand Noctis here, having a breakdown halfway between a Jimmy-Johns and a Taco Bell. Despite just getting off a flight, he looked strikingly handsome in black jeamss and a t-shirt. And as always, his hair didn’t have a strand out of place.

He laughed. “You don’t see me for a year and you call me Rhysand? I thought you would have known me better than that, darling.” 

The return of the old nickname was enough to bring the hint of a smile to my lips. We had known each other well in high school after he had ended up tutoring me when my English grades fell embarrassingly low. Though I hated him at first, we had gradually grown close. After high school, both of us attended colleges in California, making it easier to hang out occasionally – until these last few months, when we had lost touch.

I stood up, wiping my eyes in an attempt to look like I hadn’t spent the day travelling and on the verge of a breakdown. Rhys was frowning a bit, clearly wondering what the hell was wrong with me.

Concern lined Rhys’s face. “Travelling for the holidays?”

I nodded. “Yeah. My flight’s been cancelled, and the next one doesn’t leave until tomorrow afternoon.” I fished for something to say, some menial question or the small talk I had always been so awful at. “What about you - how have you been?”

He gave a half-shrug, pivoting the handle of his luggage as he talked. “It’s been a long year. But everything has improved now that I’ve stumbled across you again, Feyre darling.”

I rolled my eyes. “Flirt.”

Just then, my phone buzzed again, and I fished it out of my pocket. Elain this time.

Elain: Dad’s really disappointed that you can’t make it tonight. ): Where r u staying?

My middle sister’s well-meaning words somehow set something off in me. I had disappointed Dad once again, I didn’t have a place to stay….

I started to cry again – louder, this time, definitely enough to make people stare. I had never been one who was able to cry prettily. I felt myself sink back down onto the bench.

Rhys immediately sat down next to me, our knees only a few inches apart.

“What’s wrong, Feyre?”

I didn’t respond, trying to focus on my breathing, but too lost to do so.

“Is there something I can do, someone I can call to help?” My eyes weren’t focusing, my head was bowed. Concern coated his voice, but I shook my head, I couldn’t breathe –

“Feyre.” His voice was steady, unwavering. “Breathe.” Pure command, no room for argument. But my mind found anchor in his voice, and I shuddered, heaving great, even breaths from the depths of my lungs.

“Do you need to talk about it?” I had spent so long keeping it all inside, and the first rule of that was never to cry in public.

Rule number two was to deny anything was wrong. 

I had already broken both of those, and just talking about what had happened…it sounded more appealing than I was willing to admit.

”It’s just….a lot of crap. I went through a breakup, lost my job, and now I don’t have enough money for a decent hotel stay because I spent all of it on this flight. My family and I…. we went through a rough patch. I didn’t speak to them for a while. And just when we were closer to making things right…” My hands balled up, fingernails snagging on the fabric of my black leggings.

Rhys was silent for a moment. I studied his face, noticing his eyes were filled with more emotion than I was used to from him. And below them telltale dark circles.

His hand hovered above my shoulder, as if wanting to comfort me but not wanting to invade my space. 

“Come stay with me tonight.”

I looked up at him in surprise, ready to reject the offer. 

“I’m staying at my cousin Morrigan’s. You remember her, right?”

“Yes.” She had always been friendly towards me, and I had ended up crashing at her house once when things got bad at mine. Though I suspected that at times, her home life was worse than mine. 

But I wasn’t going to interfere in a family affair. “That’s ridiculous, Rhys. Mor and I haven’t seen each other in years, and I’m not going to barge in on your holiday. It’s a kind offer, but I’ll find some other place to stay.”

Rhys furrowed his brow, persisting. “Mor adores you, Feyre. I promise you wouldn’t be interrupting. Or if you’re not comfortable with it, I could loan you some cash. To get a hotel for the night.”

Interesting. His offer was genuine – I could read it in his words and in his unusually open face. But I wasn’t putting myself in more debt, even with someone like Rhys. And a hotel would still mean an empty room, filled with only the sounds of a microwave dinner and a bad movie in the background.

I had spent too many Christmases like that.

Staying at Mor’s sounded nice. And it was only for one night. “Alright, I’ll stay at Mor’s. But only if she’s okay with it. No showing up with me with no warning.”

A grin spread across his face, violet eyes bright and true.  “I’ll call her right now.”

He pulled his phone out of the pocket of his jeans, dialing her number. Mor answered almost immediately, and I listened as he explained my situation. Only the barest details, that my flight had been cancelled and I needed a place to crash. When Rhys told her that he had invited me to stay, I could hear her shriek of excitement from where I was standing.

It made me feel a little better about the whole thing, and I could feel a flutter of excitement in my belly at the prospect of seeing Mor again. 

The cousins chatted for a few more minutes, and I responded to Elain, letting her know I was staying with some friends. Nesta’s text I left alone, for now. It would be better to just discuss it face-to-face.

By the time we had left the airport and found a taxi, twenty minutes had passed. The weather was gradually worsening and the car wound up taking several detours to avoid closed roads and accidents. 

“So, what is Mor doing in Chicago?” I asked, watching the blur of buildings go by through the window. “I thought she was planning on college in New York?” Her father had been pushing for her to attend a prestigious private school.

“Her family was planning on her going there. Things got…complicated.” Rhysand’s tone was dark, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the rest of that particular story. “She’s in her last year at the University of Chicago now.” 

We sat in comfortable silence for a minute before I piped up again.

“What’s the rest of the crew up to now?” I asked. “I’ve lost touch with everyone.”

The question seemed to raise his spirits. “Cassian is still in the army – he isn’t able to be home for Christmas this year. Az just got promoted at the tech security company he works for. He’s flying in from New York to be at Mor’s tomorrow, actually. Amren is still working as a lawyer. She’s actually in Chicago as well, though it’s hard to say if she’ll drop in. You know how she is.”

I nodded, a faint smile on my lips. They had all been Rhys’s friends more than mine, but there were days when I was still surprised by how much I could miss their quips and banter. 

“And you? What have you kept yourself so busy with?”

Rhys shrugged. “I’ve been working in the California office for Illyria Tech.” He said slowly, naming the multi-million dollar company his father held a high position in. “Dad’s been pushing for me to come back home and work in the headquarters. Convinced I can get a better job there. But even though California hasn’t been easy –“ He furrowed his eyebrows. “I can’t bring myself to go back permanently – not yet. But I’m staying at Mor’s for a few days and then going home for New Year’s.” He paused. “I’ve been talking almost this whole ride. Tell me one thing about your year.” 

I nodded. “I know what you mean – about going home. My Dad thinks that us not fighting anymore means that I’m ready to swallow my pride and come home, that California was too big of a venture into the unknown for me. It’s true I needed to get out of LA for a while…. but I have to go back.” Heaven only knew there were certain places I still wouldn’t go back to in LA. The restaurant he had always taken me to. The parking lot across from the Macy’s where he had hit me for the first time and then apologized a thousand times afterwards. And I hated the smell of roses.

“For what it’s worth…I’m sorry about your breakup.” His voice was soft, as if he had known what I was thinking about.

“Don’t be. I’m glad it’s over.”

Rhys didn’t say anything, and I looked over to see him staring out of the window of the taxi. His sharp profile against the snowy windowpane would have made a stunning painting. He opened his mouth, about to say something else, when the taxi lurched to a halt in front of a small apartment building.

Despite his protests, I insisted we split the cost of the taxi. It was the least I could do.

The weather was beginning to get bad, wind whipping my hair out of its plait and snow stinging my skin as I hauled my suitcase up into the apartment building and into the elevator. 

Mor opened the door on Rhys’s first knock, squealing and throwing her arms around him. No sooner had she stepped away from her embrace with him then I found myself wrapped up in a hug tight enough to suck the air out of my lungs.

“Feyre! I’m so glad you and Rhys ran into each other!” She exclaimed. “Come in, come in.” She hustled me past her cousin, ignoring my protests as she pushed a mug of hot cocoa into my hands and urged me to sit down on the couch. “Rhys can put your bags in my guest room.” Mor said, shushing my protests.

“I’m expecting a mug of cocoa as payment for my services!” He called from the other room, voice sounding lighter than before. 

Mor rolled her eyes, plopping down next to me. “If he’s cold, it’s his own damn fault for not bringing a decent coat.”

Though I had felt exhausted earlier, the three of us talked for hours, the chatter blocking out the wind's howl. Anytime my fumbling words would send the conversation to an awkward halt, Rhys or Mor would pick it back up as if nothing had happened. As the posters and souvenirs around the room proved, Mor had practically been around the world and had endless stories about her travels that kept the conversation flowing long past midnight. I even surprised myself whenever I would let out a croak of laughter at something they said or did. I couldn’t remember the last time I had laughed.

At some point Mor brought went into the kitchen to get more wine, and I found myself alone on the couch with Rhys.

“Thank you – for inviting me here.” I said softly, looking him in the eye.

“Of course. You didn’t think I would let you spend Christmas stranded in an airport, did you, Feyre darling?” 

I smiled at that, wondering for the first time if my heart wasn’t as irreparably shattered as I had thought. “Merry Christmas, Rhys.”

[snelbz]

Broken Vows {Nessian Tag Team Oneshot}

A/N: So @tacmc and I were both feeling very angsty yesterday. We were working on a couple fluffy oneshots and realized “Wow, we are not in this kind of mood. We need to break some hearts.” So, we decided to start with Nessian. Enjoy the angst. And look forward to another angst, coming tomorrow from Tara’s blog!

When she came home, she nearly tripped over the duffel bag in front of the door. It caught her off guard, so heavy that it almost was immovable. She also noticed that the house was silent. No music was floating down the stairs from his office as he worked.

“Baby?” She walked through the foyer, glancing into the living room and finding it empty, and entered the kitchen. His wallet and keys weren’t on the counter where he always left them. She called, “Cassian?”

A slight squeak from the ceiling was the only indication he was upstairs.

She ascended them slowly, cautiously. “Cass? What are you doing?”

He sat on their bed, his head in his hands. His hair was loose, falling in his face, and he was wearing his boots. He never wore his boots in the house unless he was just getting home or was getting ready to leave.

She froze in the doorway. Her voice was caught in her throat.

She whispered, “So that’s it? It’s over?”

He shook his head, refusing to meet her gaze. “I love you, Nesta...but, I just can’t do it anymore.”

She hated herself for crying, for the tears that pooled up in the corners of her eyes.

“How much longer were you going to wait before you just left?”

“I would’ve never left you without an explanation,” he said, voice low, “and you know it.”

Nesta had gotten hung up at work again. It was the fourth night this week, the fourth night Cassian had eaten dinner alone. It sure as hell wasn’t the first time and he knew it wouldn’t be the last.

But Cassian was tired of being her last priority.

He wanted her to have her job, and he was so proud of her for all of her accomplishments. But, when her work day was done and she chose to stay at the office for another two hours, three hours, four hours...it became too much. She didn’t want to come home to him. At least, that’s what it felt like.

“Fuck you,” she whispered.

“I wish you would,” he said, finally looking at her. “Then maybe we wouldn’t be like this. It’s been 8 fucking months, Nes. Did you realize that? It’s been 8 months since you let me touch you.”

She quickly looked away from him, his gaze making her grow nauseous. She hadn’t realized that. She knew it had been a long time, but...that long?

He stood, not coming any closer, yet still towering over her. “Is there someone else? Is that it? Is there someone that’s giving you something I can’t?”

She snapped her eyes to his, glaring at him and clenched her fists. “You know that I would never-.”

“I don’t know that, Nesta.” He cut her off. “I don’t even think I know you anymore.” She didn’t say anything. He spat, “If you’re getting fucked on your desk after everyone leaves for the day, it should at least be fucking me doing it.”

Her sadness quickly turned into anger. “How fucking dare you accuse me of something like that? Fuck you!”

It was all she could think. Cursing at him, cursing his name.

Her hands were shaking as she approached him.

She raised her hand to slap him, but he caught it and held her wrist with such a gentleness that it caught her off guard. His voice was deathly soft when he asked, “Yes or no; are you fucking someone else?”

“No, you asshole, I just said-.”

He interrupted, “Do you want to fuck someone else?”

The question made her pause in her rage.

“Of course not.”

He let go of her wrist. “Then what did I do, Nes? Is it just my body you don’t want or is it my heart, too?”

“I-“ she stopped. She didn’t know.

Cassian was the perfect male. Kind, sexy, generous, loyal, trustworthy….she loved him, but she pushed him away.

She promised herself she wouldn’t.

And she had failed.

“This is ridiculous,” she said, shaking her head, stopping her thoughts in their tracks. “You wanna leave? Leave!”

“That’s the fucking thing, Nes, I don’t want to! But you’re making that decision for me.” His hands gripped her waist and she suddenly found it hard to breathe, the contact almost too much to bear. “You aren’t giving me a choice!”

Nesta continued to stare up at him, unable to form the words from the thoughts in her head.

“Fucking say something,” he whispered. “Anything, please.”

“I’m not going to beg you to stay,” she said, voice smaller than he’d ever heard.

He watched her. He watched the tear that slid down her cheek, watched how her jaw locked up.

“Then I guess that’s that,” he breathed.

He stepped around her, grabbing his keys off the dresser, and walked out into the hallway. After a few seconds, she heard the door open and close.

It didn’t open again.

Nesta stood there, alone in their bedroom for what felt like ages, but may have only been moments. She glanced at his nightstand, expecting to see his books and things on top. But it was all gone. The smooth surface was bare, save for one small object in the center. She crossed the room and looked down, feeling like she’d been punched in the gut.

His wedding band was all he’d left behind.

——

Cassian didn’t make it far.

He drove down to the stop sign at the end of their street and put the car in park.

She didn’t fight for him.

Hadn’t wanted to fight for him.

And it had broken him more than all the other shit had.

He knew she was being honest, that there wasn’t anyone else. That had almost made it worse, knowing that she just wasn’t willing to try for him.

He punched his steering wheel, listening as a sickening crunch came from his hand. He violently swore and pressed his head to the steering wheel, trying to breathe, trying to will away the tears that threatened to fall.

Not from the pain in his hand, but the from the emptiness in his soul.

A horn sounded behind him and he snapped his head up and put the car in drive. He drove to the only place he could think of and knocked on the front door.

Azriel swung the door open. Shock was clear on his face as he asked, “What the hell happened to you? And is you hand broken?”

Cassian swept past him without answering his question.

“Can I stay here tonight?” He asked, plopping down on his couch.

Azriel was still in his doorway when he hesitated. “I- Okay.”

Hel closed the door and went into his kitchen, returning with a frozen bag of peas. He handed it to Cassian, who wrapped it around his swollen hand without a word. His phone was on the coffee table in front of him and he didn’t tear his eyes away from it.

“I’ll be right back, I need to go tell Elain that you’re here.”

It was then that he registered what his brother was wearing — or what he wasn’t. Only a pair of jeans, unbuttoned, slung low on his hips.

Cassian swore. “I’m so sorry, Az, I didn’t-.”

“She’ll understand, you know that. Just- just give me a minute.”

There was nothing but kindness in Azriel’s voice, but Cassian still felt guilty. He ruined their night.

And he’d ruined his marriage.

Except he didn’t know how he ruined it.

Only that he’d driven the final nail in the coffin tonight.

When Azriel came back, his jeans were buttoned and a sweatshirt was pulled over his messy hair, covering his recently bare chest.

“Wanna talk about it?” He asked, entering the room.

Cassian flexed his good hand, his left hand, and looked at the bare strip of skin on his finger. “I left her.”

Azriel stopped where he was striding for the couch. His eyes were wide. “You left her? You left Nesta?”

He could only nod, only look at the pale band of skin. “I asked her if she was fucking someone else. She said no. I asked why she didn’t want to be with me, and she didn’t answer. And then she said she wouldn’t beg me to stay. So I left.”

His voice was flat, cold. It was emptier than Azriel had ever heard it.

He didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to comfort his brother, didn’t know how to make it right.

He sat down, slowly, on the opposite end of the couch. “You still love her, though.”

It wasn’t a question, so Cassian didn’t answer. “I don’t know what to do, Az.”

“Cassian?”

Both of their eyes shot to the top of the stairs, where Elain stood, wearing nothing but Azriel’s shirt. Cass blushed at the intimacy of the moment he’d intruded on. She came down the stairs when she saw his face. “Is everything okay? Where’s Nesta? Is she okay?”

Cassian swallowed, his throat tight, and looked away. He gripped the peas on his hand even tighter. “She’s fine, she’s at home.”

“Oh, thank the Cauldron,” she breathed. She glanced at the clock, the late hour. “Not to be rude, Cass, but why aren’t you at home?”

“El,” Azriel cautioned.

Cassian didn’t hesitate when he said, “I left her.”

His voice was flat again, but when Azriel looked at Elain, get delicate hands were shaking.

“What did you say?”

He hung his head as he said, “I left her, Elain. It’s over.”

Quiet footsteps padded over to him and he saw her pretty, pink toenails stop in front of him. He glanced up at her, just in time to see her hand pull back.

The crack of her hand against his cheek was earth shattering.

Azriel was instantly up, instantly had his arm around her waist and pulling her away.

“How dare you?” She cried, raising her voice, which was so unlike her. “How fucking dare you?”

“Elain.” Azriel was trying to get her to look at him, but her caramel eyes were locked onto Cassian.

Her voice was deadly soft as she said, “Get out.”

“Elain, stop. Cassian, you don’t have to go anywhere.” Azriel was between the two of them now. One hand gripping his fiancée, the other outstretched toward his brother. “El, come talk to me upstairs.”

Elain gave him one last searing look before she turned and went back to their bedroom.

Azriel looked at Cassian. He was still staring at his phone.

“She knows something I don’t,” he whispered.

Azriel glanced up the stairs. “I’m sure she does. She’s her sister, man.”

“And I’m her husband.”

And he didn’t know a thing. He didn’t know a thing, because no matter how much he tried and begged and did his best to make her happy, Nesta shared nothing with him.

He was nothing to her, and that much was obvious.

Alone in Azriel’s living room, Cassian cried, angrily, bitterly. He was furious. He was heartbroken. He was lost, left feeling hopeless.

He wanted his wife.

He wanted the woman he’d fallen in love with, the woman he’d married.

And he wanted that woman to love him back, as she once had.

He woke up the next morning to the sounds of pots and pans being thrown around in the kitchen. He sat up and wiped a hand down his face. He winced when he realized he could barely move it. He got up off the too small couch he’d slept on, raising to his full height and stretched. He felt the bones in his neck and back grinding.

He walked into the kitchen and found Elain, dropping a pan into the sink. It clanged against the metal surface.

“Good morning,” he said.

“Oh, did I wake you?” She asked, mock innocence in her voice.

With Azriel at work, he realized he had no allies in the house. “Yeah, but I need to get to the gym. Make sure everything is running well.”

“Yes, you do.”

The note of finality in her voice had him going back into the living room, picking up his phone and pulling his boots on. He left without another word.

When he got in his truck, he realized he could no longer close his fist. He would have to go to the hospital before going to work.

So that’s where he went, driving way below the speed limit. He felt empty. Numb.

He wanted to see Nesta. He missed her. He’d been away for less than a day, and the distance was agonizing.

Even if they hadn’t been intimate in months, she’d still slept in his arms every night. She still kissed him goodbye every morning as she left for work. He still loved her, with every fiber of his being.

They didn’t ask any questions at the hospital, not when they learned he owned the largest gym in Velaris and he’d told them he was training a bit too hard in the sparring ring. They reset the bones and wrapped it tightly. It didn’t feel good, but he was relieved the numbness in his soul didn’t extend to his body.

He got to the gym, nodding his greeting to everyone before locking himself in his office. He sat at his desk and let his head fall in his hands again.

He’d lost his wife.

He’d lost the love of his life.

And he didn’t know what to do.

——

The day passed by slowly.

Nesta had called out of work, hadn’t left their house all day. Maybe she should have told him. She hated herself for feeling the need to be so closed off, even with him. She hated herself for letting things get so bad, for neglecting him to the point that he felt unloved, unworthy.

That had never been her intention.

She couldn’t lose him.

A knocking on her door after lunch pulled her from her thoughts as she stared at the wall above her television.

She opened the door and found Elain. She stood there, her purse slung over her shoulder, a bottle of wine in her hands. Pity on her face.

Nesta took one look at her sister, one look at the only person who knew what she’d been going through, and burst into tears.

Elain led her back inside and took her upstairs. When they entered the bedroom and Elain found the bed untouched, still made from the day before, Nesta whispered, “I can’t sleep in our bed without him.” Elain glanced at her. “I slept on the couch.”

Elain sat on the end of the bed, the bed that Nesta had shared with her husband every night they’d been together. “You never told him, Nes?” She shook her head. “You don’t think he deserved to know that you were trying to start a family?”

She shook her head. “He would’ve been crushed if he found out.”

Elain frowned. “Nesta, he loves you. And he thinks you don’t love him anymore.”

Nesta stopped. “How do you know that? How do you know any of this? Have you talked to him?”

“Because he showed up at my house last night and he was a wreck. He still was this morning when I made him leave.”

Nesta was quiet. “You asked him to leave?”

Elain, sweet, loving Elain, had ice in her voice when she said, “He told me he had left my sister. I’m sorry I couldn’t find any sympathy for him.”

“I still love him,” Nesta breathed. “I’ll always love him. He’s my whole world. I want to give him the family he’s always dreamed of, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to do that. What if he won’t want me if I’m broken?”

Elains eyes softened. “He wants you, Nesta.”

Nesta looked down at her hands, and the bitten down nails she had spent all night destroying. “I’m scared.”

There it was. The words she’d never said aloud. The fear had been eating away at her for months, not allowing her to enjoy life, to enjoy her husband, the person she loved more than herself.

Elain took her hand. “I’ll go with you, if you want to see someone. If you want to get some answers.”

She squeezed Elain’s fingers in thanks, but shook her head. “I love you for that, but you’re not the one I’ll need with me.”

She nodded, pressed a kiss to her sister’s cheek and stood. “He’s at the gym, by the way. Or the hospital, either one.”

Nesta’s eyes went wide as she asked, “Hospital?”

——

Cassian was looking at some expense report his assistant had pulled together for him for the third time, not able to process anything he was looking at, when he heard the voice raised in the hall outside.

“I don’t give a shit what he’s doing, he’s my husband, and I’m going back to see him.”

He was up from his desk and walking to the door when it burst open.

She stood there, hair piled on top of her head, in jeans and a t-shirt. So informal compared to how he usually saw her in her suits. Her eyes roved over his body but settled on the wrapped and braced hand at his side.

She breathed, “What did you do?”

He scratched the back of his neck. He wanted to run to her, lift her off the ground, spin her around and press his mouth to hers. But, instead, he said, “Got in a fight with my steering wheel.”

She didn’t say anything. She simply shook her head, eyes beginning to water. “Do you have time to talk?”

He walked past her and shut the door. She heard the lock click. He went to the window overlooking the gym below and twisted the blinds shut. They were completely blind to the outside world.

He sat down on the couch against the wall, rather than back at his desk. “If you’re here to finish shredding my heart, I’d rather there not be any witnesses.” His voice was so empty, it nearly brought her to her knees.

She’d done this, she did this to him, even if she didn’t intend to.

“Cassian,” she breathed. “I….I’m sorry.”

She almost choked on the words, and Cassian could tell because the tension in his shoulders faded, just a little bit.

“I love you,” she said. “I love you so much. I don’t want to lose you.”

He said nothing.

He just stared at his broken hand.

“Was it something I did?” He asked, quietly.

“No,” she breathed and she walked to the couch and sat next to him. She took his hand, battered and bandaged, into her own, so she could focus on something that wasn’t his face. “It’s me, baby. It was all me.”

Her fingers carefully brushed over the wrappings. He could feel her featherlight touch through the bandages. He didn’t say anything just waited for her to continue.

He didn’t miss the fact that she was still wearing her wedding set, while his was missing from his finger.

Regardless of the fact that she’d pushed him away, it still felt like a betrayal.

“I….don’t think I can have kids,” she said, hardly more than a whisper. “You want a family, but I don’t think I can give it to you.”

The words hung between them, heavy and, in a way, damning. When he didn’t say anything, she waited. Waited for him to tell her to leave, that she wasn’t worth anything to him.

His finger was under her chin, forcing her to look at him, to look into his hazel eyes as tears were streaming down his cheeks.

“That’s why you’ve been pushing me away? Because you think you can’t give me children?”

A broken sob was her only answer.

She was wrapped in his arms before she could say anything else, pulled into his lap as if she were a child. “I don’t give a damn if you can’t have children. We can adopt or not. We don’t have to. We can be that couple who has lavish things and brags about our extra money.” He pulled back to look at her. “I love you, Nesta. If you were to bless me with children, I’d be so honored, but if I spend the rest of my days loving you alone, I have no problem with that.”

Her face fell into his chest. His grip only tightened.

“I love you,” he repeated. “I love you so much.”

She didn’t speak, because she couldn’t say a word. She had spent her entire life hiding. Hiding from her emotions, hiding from her failures, putting on the perfect show.

“I wanted to have kids,” she began, once her voice became steadier. “I wanted to have kids, and I wanted to give them to you. But it never happened, and I just...our future wasn’t so sure anymore.”

He stroked her hair with his strong hand. “Our future isn’t set in stone. When I married you, I vowed to take each day as it came. You’re my entire world, Nesta.” His voice broke on her name. “I shouldn’t have left.”

Her own voice was a whisper when she said, “I didn’t even ask you to stay. I practically pushed you out the door.”

“No, Nes, no, I should have-.” His words were cut off as her lips were pressed against his. Her fingers dove into his hair and she resituated herself until she was straddling him on the couch. She felt his wrapped hand pressed against her back, pulling her as close as he could.

The feeling of his hands on her body after so long was intoxicated. She felt lightheaded and drunk on his kiss.

This is what she had pushed away, out of fear.

Their clothes were shed and he laid her back on the couch, sharing breath and desperate kisses as they were joined in the most intimate way. Whispered praises and confessions were the only distinguishable noises, save for their heavy breathing and the noises that fell from their lips as they found their release together.

He kissed away the tears that had fallen, as she clung to him, refusing to let him pull back, pull away, pull out.

She just kept repeating, “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

“I’m so sorry,” he apologized, quietly, longing for his wedding band that was, no doubt, still sitting where he’d left it at home. “I love you.”

They laid there, quietly, resting in each other’s arms as the afternoon passed by.

No one knocked on his office door, no calls came through on his phone. They were alone in the world, in their own bubble.

“Do you-,” she began, but she choked on the words. Her chin wobbled as she said, “Do you think we should get a professional opinion?”

He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. “It wouldn’t hurt, but that’s your decision, baby.”

She nodded. “I want to know. I have to know.”

He brushed his finger down her cheek. “Whatever they say, it’s okay, okay? It’s you and me, no matter what.”

She nodded. “Okay.”

He smiled, his chest feeling a little bit lighter when he said, “Okay.”

______

One of the perks of owning your own gym was being able to make your own schedule. Cassian never worked on Saturdays, he never had. Even during their dark days, he was always home, always there with her.

So when he got an phone call asking him to come to the gym, that it was an emergency, Nesta was almost positive the building was on fire.

“I’m sure everything’s fine, just need to go deal with a few things.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead and left her in bed, which was where the majority of their time was now spent.

The news that they would never conceive their own child was not only a blow to Nesta, but also to Cassian. It wasn’t only her body keeping them from having children, it was his as well.

Many tears had been shed, sorrows drowned in bottles of wine and they found themselves in each other.

They looked for the silver lining in it all though, grateful that they had their answer.

They also took full advantage of the fact that no protection was ever needed.

Ever again.

Once Cassian left, he hurried to his car and sped to the gym, nearly unable to control his excitement. His knee was shaking, his heart racing.

Nesta was going to fall in love with him all over again.

When he pulled into the gym parking lot, Azriel was sitting in the bed of his truck with Elain and a small, golden ball of fluff.

Cassian stopped the car, basically falling out of the door.

“You got him okay?” Cassian asked, in way of greeting. “No trouble?”

Elain laughed, softly. “No trouble. He’s all yours.”

Cassian took the puppy off of Azriel’s lap and put it against his chest.

“Hi, buddy,” he said, scratching behind his ear as the puppy leaned up and tried to lick his face. He laughed and clasped Azriel’s outstretched hand. He looked at Elain. “You’re sure about this?”

She nodded, grinning. “She’s always wanted one, she’s probably going to cry,”

“That’s not the goal, but as long as she’s happy, I’m happy.” He opened the passenger door and set the pup in a box he’d snuck out, with one of Nesta’s favorite blankets. He immediately burrowed down and snuggled into the blanket.

“Thank you,” Cassian said. “Really. Thank you for helping me.”

Elain just nodded before kissing Azriel on the cheek. “Well, go! Don’t stand here with us. Surprise your wife!”

Cassian laughed, plopping into the driver’s seat.

“Alright, pup. Let’s go surprise mama.”

He pulled his car into the garage and picked up the puppy. He poked his head into the house and listened, not hearing any noise. “Nes?”

Silence.

As he carried him inside, he let a small bark! out and Cassian shushed him as he scratched the back of his head. He nuzzled into his hand as he started up the stairs.

He found Nesta exactly where he’d left her, in bed, but she’d fallen asleep with her face buried into his pillow. He smiled as he carefully tiptoed around to his side of the bed and set the puppy down in front of her. He immediately walked to Nesta and began sniffing her, before nuzzling in between her arm and the bed and curling up.

The fur tickled her face and Nesta began to stir.

“Cassian,” she mumbled. “You really need to shave. Your beard got really soft, though.”

The puppy began licking Nesta’s cheek.

She scrunched her nose. “Your breath smells like shit.”

Her eyes slowly opened. Cassian hadn’t even realized that he was holding his breath.

She was looking up at him, but when another small lick brushed her chin, she gazed down.

“Oh my god,” she breathed. “Cassian…”

“Not exactly the baby I hoped to give you, but I figured…”

He trailed off, watching as the puppy climbed on top of her.

He was wagging his tail wildly.

“He has no name,” Cassian continued. “It’s all you. Name him whatever you want.”

Nesta paused, looking down at the puppy who had begun squirming in her arms. “Milo,” she said.

Silver lined her eyes as she placed the puppy gently on the bed beside her and jumped off the bed, into Cassian’s arms.

He wrapped his arms around her bare body and pressed his mouth to hers, softly.

“I love you,” she breathed, clinging to him. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too, baby,” he whispered, setting her back on the bed. The puppy bounded over to them, immediately jumping on Nesta again, trying to lick her face.

Nesta laughed, the most mesmerizing sound that Cassian would ever hear, and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

Their little family may not be large, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t strong.

[theladyofdeath]

Rags & Riches {16}

Summary: An A Court of Thorns and Roses Fanfiction. 19th century AU. Based on the prompt sent in by @cat5313 All characters belong to SJM, I am just a fan with a plot.

Warning: Mature content strung throughout.

A/N: I never realize how much I drop “fuck” until I proofread...ah, oh well. 5 chapters left. Do y’all mind when I post 2 chapters in 1 day? yay? nay? I’ll only do 1 if it’s too much, but either way, R&R will be finishing up, soon.

Enjoy (you know, if possible).

Leave a comment to be tagged & tell me what you think! :)

One month had passed since they arrived in Hybern.

They had endured one battle, which lasted two weeks. Many of Hybern’s men went down, but a large number perished from their own side, too.

Even when they relaxed at camp, they were always on alert, always kept one eye open.

Azriel, Cassian, and Rhysand sat around the fire.

The three of them had created quite the bond, never leaving one another’s side - both in battle, and out. Rhysand had an opportunity to stay away from the front lines because of his title, but he did not. He stayed with Azriel and Cassian, refusing the opportunity without any hesitation. 

“Elain says she should start showing soon,” Azriel announced, the other two looking up from their letters. “She also says morning sickness is getting much worse.” 

“Doesn’t surprise me,” Cassian grinned. “If a little you was growing inside of me, I would probably feel like shit, too.” 

Azriel chuckled. “Yeah.”

Cassian knew that Azriel’s chest ached as he wondered how long he would have to be away. It seemed as if the war had only just begun, but he felt like he had been away from Elain for far too long.

“Any news from Feyre or Nesta?” Azriel asked.

“Feyre says Nesta is being extra bitchy,” Rhysand mumbled. “Other than that, she says she wrote to Elain, telling her to visit soon and their father is finally getting back this week. Oh, and they got a dog. Named him Oswald.” 

“Oswald?” Azriel asked, brows raised. “That’s a….nice….name.” 

Rhysand snorted. “And Nesta?”

They both looked at Cassian, who was reading his letter with narrowed eyes. “She gave me an update on the weather, says it has been raining a lot. I also hear of Oswald, and it is a terrible name, so don’t lie. She said she put a gift in here for me, but there was nothing in the paper.” He looked around for the envelope to put the letter back inside, and once he found it, and opened it up, he froze.

Azriel raised his brows as Rhysand reached for the envelope.

Cassian quickly put it out of his reach. 

Rhysand’s eyes narrowed. “What is it?”

Cassian put the letter back in the envelope and closed it. “Nothing. A photograph.”

Azriel blinked. “Of what?”

“Hmmm,” Rhysand hummed, leaning back. “Is this photograph of Nesta?”

“You will never know, will you?” Cassian asked.

“Is she nude?” Azriel chimed.

Cassian backed up, toward his tent. “I am going to bid you both goodnight.”

Rhysand howled as Azriel’s grin widened. “Alright. Don’t get too vocal with yourself, no one wants to hear all that.” 

Cassian rolled his eyes as he climbed inside, shutting the tent flaps behind him. He used a match to light his lantern, and his pipe, as he laid back against his blankets, atop the grass. 

He pulled open the yellow envelope, once more, removing the letter and setting it aside as he reached for the other contents. He pulled out a long, silver chain, an oval locket attached to the bottom. When he opened it up, all the tension was released from his body. 

On one side was Nesta, and on the other, was Marigold. Cassian chuckled at the photograph of the horse before brushing his thumb over the one of Nesta. She sat, poised, her chin lifted high. Even in black and white, he could see the intensity of her gray-blue eyes. 

He closed it shut and clasped the chain around his neck, tucking the locket beneath his shirt.

There was another photograph inside of the envelope. Azriel’s guess had not been wrong. Cassian took it into his hands and brought it closer to the lantern, his heart beating wildly. Her hair hung loose around her pale shoulders, reaching just below her breasts, which Cassian admired as he brought his pipe to his lips. Her legs were open, waiting for him, and he suddenly had the realization that someone must have taken such a photo, and wondered how Nesta had swung it without anyone seeing.

He laughed, under his breath, at the thought of Nesta ordering someone around to take a nude photo, only to have it instantly taken away and put in an envelope to ship to him overseas. He turned it over and on the back, it read, I know what you are thinking. Do not worry, Helion helped me with such a project and kept all details to himself. Cassian snorted - knew what he would be thinking, indeed. Then, below, it read, For when you are lonely. At night, this is how I wait for you to return. Hurry back.

Cassian flipped the photograph back over and ran his fingers down the image. She was so beautiful, especially when she was natural, bare. Nothing but the locket in which she sent along, the locket that was now around his neck, covered her skin. The silver oval laid between her breasts. 

He studied her until he could no longer bear to keep still. 

After unzipping his trousers, he wrapped his fist around his cock and began to stroke himself. His head fell back and his eyes fell shut, but the image of Nesta, his Nesta, remained.

~~~~~

Rhysand was eating a bowl of some kind of slop the next morning when Cassian emerged from his tent and stretched.

“Have a nice date with your hand last night?” Rhysand asked, filling his mouth.

“Fuck off,” Cassian said, shaking his head but unable to stop his grin. “Where’s Az?”

“Bringing our letters to the post. They’re going out this afternoon.” 

Cassian nodded, reaching for one of the bowls Rhysand had brought. “Okay, I grew up poor, but even this shit looks disgusting to me...and my standards are fairly low.” 

“At least it keeps us from starving to death,” Rhysand said. “Hopefully.”

Cassian was just about to reply as a bell sounded from the middle of camp. Rhysand quickly met his gaze, his jaw set, as soldiers all around them got to their feet.

Azriel was running toward them, eyes wild. “They’re coming, less than a mile away. We have to go.”

Rhysand swore, dropping his bowl to the ground as Cassian reached for their guns. A moment later, helmets were atop their heads and rifles were tossed across their backs and they were running across the landscape. Once in formation, they marched as one through the valley and halted. Beyond was the battlefield they had already seen, the battlefield in which so many had died around them. Rhysand looked to Cassian on his left. His friend was focused, his breathing even. He had a good shot, if he ever had nerves, he did not show it. Then Rhysand looked to Azriel on his right, who was closing his eyes. Azriel was fast, could dodge anything. Rhysand was not worried about either of them. He would not allow himself to be. They would stick together. They would make it out.

“Stay together,” Rhysand whispered.

The other two repeated, in the same quiet calm, “Stay together.”

~~~~~

“Feyre?” Nesta called, knocking on her sister’s door. “A letter just arrived from Elain. She will be here next week, she says.”

The door was opened a moment later.

Nesta froze.

Feyre’s eyes were red and puffy. “Sorry, I just….” her words trailed off and Nesta pulled her sister into her arms.

“Has something happened?” she asked. “Is Rhysand okay?”

Feyre nodded. “Yes, it’s nothing like that, I just….Nesta, I’m pregnant.” 

Nesta blinked. “Pregnant?”

Feyre laughed, wiping at her eyes. “Yes.”

Nesta smiled, wrapping her arms around Feyre even tighter. “That’s great news. Why are you crying?”

Feyre allowed Nesta into her room before she closed the door. They both sat by the fireplace, on the floor.

“I knew when I last wrote Rhys,” she explained. “But, I did not tell him. Now I feel guilty.”

“Why?” Nesta asked. “Why keep it a secret?”

Feyre nibbled on her bottom lip. “Is it truly better to tell him?”

Nesta’s brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“I mean...would telling him make him happier or just more upset that he is not here?” she asked. “He says he misses me, that all he thinks about is coming home, and if I tell him that I am with child, it would just be more of a burden. I thought perhaps I should wait, until he returns.”

Nesta nodded. “Well, I think you should let him know. He would want to know, considering he tried so hard to impregnate you to begin with.”

Feyre laughed, pushing her sister in the arm. “Perhaps. I do not know the right answer to anything these days.”

Nesta stared at her hands when she said.  “Would you like to know something that will cheer you up? Perhaps make you laugh?”

Feyre raised a brow. “You are going to tell me something that will make me laugh? That seems unlikely.”

Nesta rolled her eyes. “In the last letters we sent, I put a photograph of myself inside.”

Feyre blinked. “Why would that make me laugh?”

Nesta could not control her smile as she said, “Because I was not wearing any clothing.”

Feyre’s mouth fell open before she broke into a fit of laughter. “You? Nesta? You sent Cassian a nude photograph?” 

Nesta nodded, her own laughter sputtering out. “Yes. I wonder if he has received it, yet.”

Feyre put her hands over her mouth. “I cannot believe you did such a thing! How was it? Was it awkward?”

Nesta shook her head. “No, Helion took it when he was here last week, in my room. It was actually quite invigorating. I have never felt so….I don’t know. Powerful.” 

Feyre’s laughter died down as she watched the flames. “How very risque of you.” 

“Indeed,” Nesta agreed, then looked at her sister. “I am happy for you.” She nodded toward her sister’s abdomen. “Truly.”

“Thank you,” Feyre said, patting her sister’s knee. “And I am so very proud of you.”

Nesta looked over at her sister and they both broke into laughter, once more.

They were not certain of much lately, but they were certain that when their worlds were full of the unknown, laughter was the best medication.

~~~~~

Cassian had never seen so much blood.

The explosion happened quickly, no one had seen it coming. At the time, Cassian had his rifle pointed at one of the enemy, and the moment he pulled the trigger, as if on que, the ground exploded.

He was knocked on the ground, into the dirt, his ears ringing as he looked around for his brothers.

Rhysand was on the ground a few yards away, but he was already pulling himself up, rifle in hand. 

To his other side, men lay scattered, motionless.

He called out for Azriel, and when he looked back to Rhysand, his violet eyes were wide and panicked. 

“There!” he shouted, but Cassian could hardly hear him. He turned himself around, pulling himself fully off the ground, as he followed Rhysand’s gaze.

Azriel lay still, his gun a few feet beside him, his helmet having flown from his head. He was covered in blood, how much was actually his, Cassian was not certain. 

They were all covered in blood.

Their fellow man’s.

Their enemies.

Cassian and Rhysand ran to his side, sinking down in the dirt alongside him. Rhysand instantly had his back to them both, his gun raised, protecting them. 

Cassian pressed his ear to Azriel’s chest. “He’s still breathing.”

Rhysand gave a curt nod, the only sign he had heard as he pulled the trigger, firing upon any threat coming toward them. 

Cassian found the gaping wound coming from his side and tore open his shirt, where blood was flowing. “Fuck,” Cassian breathed, pressing his hands down on the wound to stop the flow. “Fuck! Rhys….Rhys, we have to get him out of here. We have to get him to medical.” 

“Can you carry him?” Rhysand called, still holding up his gun, not looking behind him. 

Cassian panicked. He was losing blood. So much blood.

He tossed his gun up to Rhysand, who took it and put it around his shoulder without taking his concentration from his own. Cassian quickly pulled off his shirt and tore it into long strips, his helmet discarded. He bundled up a few of the strips and pressed them into the wound, then tied a few together to make it long enough to wrap around Azriel’s abdomen a few times. Once he tied it tight, he nodded. “Yeah, yeah, I can.”

“Okay,” Rhysand called. “Let me know when to walk, I’ve got you both.”

The blood was still pouring from the wound, although not as bad.

With a grunt, Cassian lifted Azriel off the ground, carrying him over his shoulder. “Fuck, you heavy bastard,” he groaned, getting himself into a steady position. “Alright, Rhys, I’m moving!”

Then they both were moving, Azriel unconscious, but his heart still beating within his chest, against Cassian’s back. He was heavy, and nearly Cassian’s height, but Cassian did not let himself think of it as he hurried through the gunfire and around those that were already dead.

“Do not die on me,” Cassian grunted, Azriel’s weight starting to slow him down, “Do not fucking die on me. Elain would kill me if I let you die. Do not die, you hear me? You’re going to be a dad, do not fucking die on your kid!” Cassian yelled, eyes still ahead, blurred with tears but determined. “Do not fucking die on me!” 

Rhysand’s gun fired from behind them. 

“We’re almost to the clear!” Cassian called.

“I don’t see many more from Hybern!” Rhysand called back. 

Cassian could feel the warmth of Azriel’s blood sinking through the shreds of his shirt, onto his own skin, down his arm.

He suddenly became lighter a moment later, once they neared the end of the valley. Rhysand, with both rifles slung across his chest, said, “I’ll take his legs, you take his arms.”

Cassian nodded, putting Azriel down as gently as he could among the grass. He put his fingers against Azriel’s neck and swore before putting his forearms underneath Azriel’s underarms.

Rhysand took him beneath the knees and they lifted him from the ground, and they hurried, as fast as they could, across the remaining distance.

When they reached the camp, the medical tent was the first to appear.

They brought Azriel inside and a nurse yelled for a table to be cleared. Rhysand and Cassian put him down, then both stepped back to let the nurses swarm him.

“He’s going to be okay, yeah?” Rhysand asked, face paled. “He’s still breathing? He’s going to be okay?”

No one answered him, which only made Cassian ask, louder, “Just tell us he’ll fucking make it!” 

A nurse pressed her hands against the newly unraveled wound as she said, calmly, “Yes, he’s still breathing.”

“That doesn’t answer my fucking question,” Cassian spat. 

Rhysand met him at his side and started to pull Cassian back. “Let them work.”

Rhysand’s hands were surprisingly calm as Cassian turned to him, Rhys’ face covered in the blood of others and dirt, his hair drenched in sweat and wild. 

“He can’t die, Rhys,” Cassian breathed.

“I know,” Rhysand said, taking Cassian’s face in his hands. “I know, alright? So we have to let the nurses work. Yeah? We have to let the nurses work, Cass.” 

Cassian nodded, and Rhysand did not let go of Cassian’s face until his breathing began to even.

A soldier poked his head into the tent a moment later and said, “Hybern retreated. It is done for the day.”

The nurses gave a sign of understanding and the soldier went away. Cassian had not even heard them coming back, had not even heard the shouts of victory from the outside. 

“You two may stay, if you wish, but you have to sit to the side,” a nurse said, the one with her hands against Azriel’s wound.

Cassian nodded as he and Rhysand went to the side of the tent and slumped to the ground. 

Neither of them spoke as they waited. 

~~~~~

Hours passed, the day had gone and turned into night, and he did not open his eyes. The nurses had sterilized the wound the best they could and sewed his skin shut. He had lost a lot of blood. 

Rhysand looked at Cassian every once in a while, but neither of them said a word, neither of them dared. Cassian still sat with his chest bare, covered in filth, dried blood matting his hair to his forehead. Rhysand assumed he did not look much better. 

The minutes were passing too slowly, it was agonizing. Rhysand had killed more than he thought he would have to since arriving at Hybern. The thought was unnerving, but he tried not to dwell on it. He was protecting himself, protecting Azriel and Cassian. 

“If he dies, how would I ever go back?” Cassian whispered. Face glowing in the lanterns that surrounded them. “How could I stand there, in front of Elain, and Feyre, and Nesta, and tell them that Azriel died?”

Rhysand cleared his throat, his gaze falling to his hands where he began picking off the dried, crimson coat. “I don’t know.”

Cassian nodded, eyes empty. “They have a baby on the way, Rhys.”

“Yeah,” Rhysand breathed, not bothering to wipe away the tear that fell down his tanned cheek.

Cassian shook his head, but said no more.

When the silence became unbearable, Rhysand stood and walked to Azriel’s side. His chest was still rising and falling, his wound closed. Rhysand reached up to feel his forehead. He did not feel feverish. 

“Before we left,” Rhysand began, quietly, “me and Feyre tried, for a baby. Seeing you here now…” his words trailed off and he shook his head. “Elain needs you. That baby needs you. Fight for them, yeah?” he used his torn shirtsleeve to wipe at his eyes, his nose. “If you can hear me, you have to fight for them. Because if it were me in your place, and Feyre was pregnant, that woman would cut off my fucking balls.” 

Cassian stood and joined them at Azriel’s other side. Rhysand knew Cassian was thinking of their conversation on the ship. I wanted to give her a baby, to look at, to love, to remind her of me, if I don’t make it back. 

Azriel’s eyes rolled behind his eyelids, and both Rhysand and Cassian froze. 

“Az?” Rhysand whispered.

Azriel’s mouth opened, but nothing came out. He stirred, then groaned, softly.

Cassian and Rhysand said nothing as they watched, as they waited. 

Rhysand thought he would collapse once Azriel’s eyes fluttered open and met his gaze. “Rhys. Cass….”

Rhsyand nodded toward Cassian where Azriel’s eyes slowly trailed to. Cassian stood completely still, as if he were afraid to breathe. 

Azriel let out a breath as his eyes closed, once more. 

But his hands found theirs. One in Rhysand’s, the other in Cassian’s. 

“My side…” Azriel began, as if each word brought him pain, “fucking hurts.” 

Cassian, unable to control himself, began to laugh, and when he couldn’t stop, Rhysand started to laugh, too.

Azriel’s hands tightened around theirs, smiling faintly, eyes still closed. 

That battlefield had been littered with the dead, husbands and sons and fathers who would be no more.

But Azriel would not be one of them.

They promised to stay together.

They would stay together. 

At least, for now.

~~~~~

@throne-of-ashes-and-beauty @mariamuses @a-happybird @amusicalbookworm @manoncrochanblackbeak @alifletcher2012 @candid-confetti @fandoms-everywhere-united @mis-lil-red@littlehoneyybee @abillionlittlepieces @impossiblescissorspeachpaper @awesomelena555 @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @tswaney17 @jemma-nessian-and-elriel @rhysandsrightknee @gendryaforthemasses @dayanna-hatter @thebluemartini @welcometothespeaknowworldtour @julemmaes @christiashadows @sleeping-and-books @itsme-malin @agnez312 @cat5313 @amren-courtofdreams @chemica @empress-ofbloodshed @islamonna @illyrianbeauty  @sleeping-and-books @queenofxhearts @sleeping-and-books @aedionashryver-wolfofthenorth @queenofillea1 @mynewdreamwasyou @levivlio @hellolenas @burritowithfeels @that-other-pineapple @girl-who-reads-the-books @raghad-50725@musicmaam @rowaelinforeverworld @negativenesta  @welcometothespeaknowworldtour @gloriouspaintercreatorbandit@sannelovesreading @nerdperson524 @ireallyshouldsleeprn @nerdperson524 @mariamuses @gorl-power @booklover242 @rowaelinforeverworld @regular-nessian-trash @izou1204 @aelin-rowan-whitehorn @opheliatheemerald @eversincebeirut @musicmaam @ladybookwrm​ @santas-dwynwen​ @starryandbooks​ @candid-confetti​

[courtofsapphiresandshadows]

Chapter Nine- Aegan

Azriel wasn't lying about Velaris being small. It only took Aegan a few days to explore the city- it was beautiful, yes, but she could only take so many smiles and singing before she snapped. She was almost homesick for the Illyrian mountain range- though she seemed to be the only one feeling that way. Estelle was too excited of being in the sparkling city to be focused on anything else, and Bones refused to leave the garden, mainly out of fear of the strangers in the townhouse. Nesta was indifferent to the situation, as long as she didn't have to spend time with the Inner Circle.

Aegan decided that she was officially... bored. She laid sprawled out in one of the armchairs in Rhysand's office, watching the High Lord leaf through yet another book. It was another meeting between the two- however it was becoming more of Aegan doing nothing and Rhysand scanning texts. It was about as entertaining as watching paint dry.

"Rhysand, I'm going to stab someone", she blurted out suddenly, watching for any sort of reaction.

"You said that yesterday", he mumbled, not looking up from the book in front of him.

"Who said I didn't stab someone yesterday?" She shot back, but sighed nevertheless. "Can I put my feet up on your desk?"

Finally, he glanced up. "Do that, and I'll cut your feet off."

"You'd better get me two bedazzled peg legs as compensation."

"Bedazzled?"

Aegan grinned. "Well wooden wouldn't do. Besides, I'd love to show off to those war lords that I'm flashier than they are."

Rhysand sighed, propping his chin on his hand. "You're bored, aren't you."

"Beyond belief", Aegan finally admitted, slumping farther into the chair.

"What have you done so far?"

What hadn't she done so far? 'Murder, I suppose', she thought to herself. "I've explored Velaris,  gone to these little sessions of yours, not to mention helped Elain move half a ton of soil and gardening supplies." She quirked her mouth to the side. "Though I think she's a little scared of me."

He shut the book in front of him, sliding it to the side of his desk. "Well, what do you want to do?"

She shrugged. "Anything that doesn't involve sitting."

Suddenly, the door burst open, and Cassian marched in, looking much better than he did the first day in Velaris. "Rhys, I'm bored", he announced, plopping himself in a free chair.

"Well, that makes two of you", Rhysand responded, chuckling slightly as he leaned back in his chair. "Why don't you two go bother each other, while I work on..." he gestured to the large piles of paper before him, "this."

"What, exactly, is 'this'?" Aegan inquired, looking at one of the papers out of curiosity. Crooked handwriting was jammed together, forming lines upon lines of reports and observations. She brought the paper closer to her face, trying to read what it said, only for it to be snatched away by Rhysand.

"Nothing for you to be concerned about", he told her, sliding the paper into one of his drawers. "Now, both of you get out of my office before I force you out."

Cassian rolled his eyes, before glancing at Aegan. "Am I your babysitter now?"

She shrugged. "Guess so. Don't worry, you don't need to give me a bath", she joked, before grunting as she pushed herself out of the comfy leather chair. "Need a hand?"

The commander lifted up a hand, Aegan grabbing it and hauling him to his feet. He definitely wasn't a lightweight, but then again, any Illyrian that managed to live to become an adult was typically a large mass of brute strength, often accompanied by a degree of stupidity.

"Well, what do you want to do?" He asked her as they left Rhysand in his office.

She shrugged. "I hoping that you had an idea", she admitted, skimming her fingers along a table as they passed by Nesta's bedroom. She and Estelle were in there, reading a small book out loud, pausing to look up at the two Illyrians. They had moved out of the townhouse and to the House of Wind a day ago- Nesta had been getting more and more uncomfortable with the Inner Circle practically breathing down her neck. Aegan couldn't blame her.

"Aegan!" Estelle exclaimed, jumping up to run over and hug her. "You're back!"

"Excuse me," she murmured to Cassian, before hugging the girl tightly. "Well, Rhysand couldn't keep me in there forever", she chuckled, sending a wink at Nesta before gently prying Estelle off of her. "What are you  working on?"

"The Oak Tree", Nesta answered for her. "It's a classic novel, and a good one for Estelle to start on." The high fae stood up, gently placing the small book on a nightstand. "How did the secession go?"

Aegan sighed, stroking Estelle's hair absentmindedly. "Same as always- without any success. I feel the meetings are getting more and more boring as time passes."

Nesta quirked her mouth to the side. "Surely Rhysand would've gathered enough information- it's been a week."

"Ironcrest made a point of not recording anything about me or my mother. Rhysand looked through my memories, and even those weren't enough to satisfy him", she told her, shrugging her shoulders.

"I'm sure the sessions will end soon", Estelle assured her, patted Aegan on the arm. "He can't keep you here forever."

Aegan smiled, but dread settled deep within her gut. One shared look at Nesta showed her that she thought the same- would Rhysand really keep her here forever? He definitely had the power to.

A soft knock jolted her out of her stupor. Cassian poked his head through the doorway, hesitating slighty on seeing Nesta. "Want to spar Aegan?"

"Sparring?"

"You did say that you wanted to do something." he pointed out, grinning slightly. "And as your unofficial babysitter, I say that you need to get out of the house."

Aegan turned back to Nesta and Estelle. "Well, you heard my nanny- anyone care to join us?"

The two females shared a look. Estelle shrugged, and grabbed Nesta's hand. "C'mon, Nesta. We can go together!" She smiled brightly. "We can bring our book, and watch Cassian get his butt kicked by Aegan!"

Cassian scoffed, while Aegan roared with laughter. Nesta merely smiled, and ruffled Estelle's hair slightly. "Yes, that would be quite the spectacle", she told her softly, as they walked out of the bedroom.

The Commander was waiting just outside, leaning against the wall. "So you really think you can beat me?" He crooned, shooting her a smug smirk. "I didn't just become commander from being Rhysand's friend."

Aegan shot him a wicked grin. "We'll see who fate favors. Now, as much as I would love to start our fight right now", she gestured to her outfit, "I'm going to need to change. Don't want Feyre and Rhysand getting into a hissy fit once they've seen what I've done to my clothes."

Cassian rolled his eyes, as Aegan jogged over to her bedroom, where she promptly began to strip off the blouse, chucking it in the corner. She opened the closet, and was surprised to find a neat stack of loose shirts and pants. "What the..." she trailed off, as she picked up one of the shirts- they certainly hadn't been there before.

"You might need this."

Aegan yelped, whirling around to kick whoever entered her room, only for her leg to pass through thin air. Nuala was standing on the opposite side of the room, a leather band between her fingers.

"How did- why-"

"I heard that you needed to change. And I figured you didn't have anything to tie your hair back", she told her simply, her face void of emotions save for a twinkle of amusement in her eyes.

Aegan huffed, as she yanked the shirt over her head, and changed her pants. "You seem to be more talkative than last time", she grumbled, hiking up the waistband of the pants. "What's gotten in to you? And where is your sister?"

Nuala chose to stay silent, and dropped the tie into Aegan's scarred palms. She then dipped her head in goodbye, before vanishing into thin air.

She grumbled once more, tying up her hair as she left her bedroom, pausing once to grab Sasha's dagger. It had been lying under her pillow- every night, she found herself gripping the hilt tightly as she laid curled up in bed. Aegan could hear them talk about her, and even though she highly doubted that they would attack her in her sleep, the feeling was unshakable.

The blade flashed in the sunlight, Aegan running a thumb over it once before slipping it into it's sheath and walking out of the room. She didn't trust leaving the knife with anyone, except for its rightful owner- wherever she was.

Cassian and the others were waiting outside. "What was that scream about?" He asked, arching an eyebrow.

"It was not a 'scream'" Aegan corrected, some of her shadows whipping around in response to her irritation. "Nuala startled me."

He grinned. "You're scared of Nuala?"

She sighed in exasperation. "No, Cassian, she startled me. I didn't see her in my room, and she managed to get too close for comfort." She then scowled at the ground. "I don't have fond memories of people sneaking up on me."

Cassian was about to say something, but one icy glare from Nesta silenced him completely. The High Fae then took her hand, leading her outside, setting a large distance between themselves and the other two.

Nesta placed a soft hand on Aegan's shoulder. "Hybern?" She asked quietly.

"Yeah". Her voice nearly failed her. "I'm fine."

That was a lie. She was far from fine. Still, Aegan forced the memories, along with her emotions, into a little ball. Discarded it into the back of her mind. Hopefully, it will dissolve with time. But for now, this would have to do.

A biting wind thankfully distracted her as they made their way outside. Estelle and Cassian were murmuring between themselves, the girl smiling politely as he explained something wildly with his hands. 'Focus on them', she told herself, feeling herself relax slightly. 'Focus on them.'

"Are you feeling alright?" Cassian asked as the two realized Nesta and Aegan had been staring at them. "You seem a little pale."

Aegan waved him off. "Nothing that'll keep me from sparring", she told him, forcing a grin on her face. "Now, where exactly are we going?"

He grinned back and proceeded to walk towards the balcony, his wings flaring out. "Follow me", he told them, before launching himself into the air.

"Hang on", was all she told Nesta before wrapping her arms around her and launching herself into the air as well, Estelle close behind her.

~Cassian's POV~

The four soured about Velaris, a strong current of air racing them along as they made their way over to the Forest house. Estelle soared close to Cassian, whooping in excitement as she barrel rolled through a cloud. This had been the first day that she had been cleared for flying- she was taking it like a fish to water.

Aegan soared just above the two, smiling as Estelle narrowly dodged her and Nesta. The girl yelled something at her, causing Aegan and Nesta to laugh. Suddenly, Aegan swooped down, brushing wingtips with Cassian. "Estelle thinks that I have a larger wingspan than you", she told him, grinning. Nesta mumbled something, her voice muffled by Aegan's shirt.

"What was that, dear Nes?"

Nesta briefly turned her head to shoot him a glare. "You Illyrians are so cocky", she hissed, before yelping as Aegan and Cassian dove towards the sparring ring, Estelle just behind them.

As they zoomed towards the ground, he spotted a small black dot, increasing in size- Azriel. 'So that's where he disappeared to', he thought to himself, as he slowed his descend. He had been looking for him earlier this morning, but found his room barren, save for a few papers strewn across the floor. He had been seeing Azriel less and less, ever since Cassian had gone to the mountains. Even when he came back to Velaris, the shadowsinger had been missing for most of the day, only coming back late at night to nurse small wounds and disappear once again.

"I was wondering where you went", he called out to him as he landed, Azriel pausing his exercises to look up at the four. "No mission today?"

He shook his head, pushing sweaty locks out of his eyes. "Thankfully, no. Although I will have one next week." Azriel then glanced up the three females. "I see you have an entourage."

Aegan snorted. "Only to see him get his ass whooped by me", she told him, jabbing Cassian playfully with her elbow. "Or me get my ass whooped. Who knows?"

Faint amusement flashed in the shadowsinger's eyes. "May I join the spectators?" Nesta and Estelle had already found a shady spot to sit, the younger one waving wildly at the two of them.

"I don't see why not",  Cassian said, Aegan nodding her head in agreement. "It only adds to the fun."

Azriel rolled his eyes, and left the sparring ring, his shadows trailing behind him as he made his way over to a bench. He crossed his arms over his naked chest, and nodded his head- a signal to begin.

Cassian grabbed  a roll of bandages, tossing it to Aegan. "For your hands", he explained when he saw her confused face. "You and I both probably know that split knuckles aren't fun." He then pulled off his shirt, before reaching for another roll, wrapping up his own knuckles.

She let out a low chuckle. "Trying to distract me, Commander?" Aegan asked jokingly as she moved on to her next hand. "Because I'm fairly sure it won't work on me."

He smirked. "Who said it was for you?"

"Nesta probably is more interested in reading than drooling over your abs." That was true- Nesta was already nose deep into the novel she had brought, only sparing glances to Estelle and Aegan every so often. Jealousy sparked deep in his gut, although it was nothing like the time when Aegan had made her laugh. The sound had startled him and the rest of the inner court- she had been so emotionless for so long, her laughing was something Cassian could only dream of hearing. Some small part of him wished that, instead of the female across from him, that it was him that put her in a good mood. He doubted that will ever happen- but he still hoped.

"Hello?" Aegan called out, jolting him from his thoughts. "Are you done staring at Nesta, or do you need a few more minutes?"

Cassian felt a rush of heat flood his cheeks, sticking out his tongue at Aegan childishly. "Shut your mouth", he growled, before dropping into a fighting stance.

The female snorted, before following suit. "Ready?"

"Always." Then, he attacked.

Despite claiming that she hadn't sparred in years, Aegan was extraordinary. Almost to a point that it scarred him, especially when she managed to pin him to the ground. "Please don't tell me you're going easy on me because I'm a female", she said, grinning wickedly. "I might just have to kill you if you are."

He grinned back, before throwing her off him. "Never in my wildest dreams Aegan", he assured, pushing himself off the ground, before dodging a kick to the face. "Hey! Are you trying to break my face?"

"Never in my wildest dreams", she mimicked, even lowering her voice rather obnoxiously, before launching herself at him.

And so they continued, throwing taunts and punches at one another as the day progressed. Many of Aegan's moves were ones that he had never seen before, and were extremely effective in getting him to the ground. Truthfully, she made many of the warriors in Windhaven look like children when it came down to fighting- she could probably take on ten without breaking a sweat. That might finally convince the women to start training. However, he doubted Aegan would even want to step foot in another war camp- she seemed more inclined to disappear within the mountains, never to be seen again.

Their sparring secession ended with both of them plopped on the sandy ground, hair sweaty and body beat up. Aegan had discarded her own shirt at one point, a thick black band remained, wrapped around her chest.

She wiped her mouth with her bandaged fist. "You really got me with that right hook of yours", she complemented him, blood trickling out of a split lip that she was sporting. "Not to mention your ability to take a punch."

He laughed, before wincing slightly. "That's gonna leave a mark", he told her, cracking a grin as he pointed to an already darkening area on his side. She had managed to land a blow on his torso, the kick strong enough that he had almost crumpled to the ground. Yes, it would definitely be black and blue when he woke up the next morning.

Aegan laughed, before her eyes darted up to the sky. "What does he want now?"

Cassian followed her gaze, spotting Rhys just before he landed in the arena. "What's the matter?" He asked the high lord, arching an eyebrow.

"I was looking for you- we need to talk", he said, glancing over at Aegan once. "What did you two do to each other?"

Aegan grinned, blood staining her teeth red. "We sparred", she told him, patting Cassian on the back. "We should do it again sometime."

He grinned back. "Definitely. Now, go bother Azriel- Rhys and I need to discuss something."

As soon as the female strolled away, humming some Illyrian tune, Rhys steered Cassian away from the others, leading him to a small table. He then pulled out a piece of parchment, Azriel's all too familiar handwriting filling up it's entirety. "It's a report Azriel gave me yesterday on Ironcrest", he informed him, as Cassian skimmed his eyes over the text.

"Larger groups seen practicing earlier this morning. There's an dramatic increase of soldiers- Ironcrest is the size of a small army now- an increase of surveillance is recommended" He read under his breath, before glancing up at Rhys. "How long?"

"What do you mean?"

Cassian loosened a sigh. "How long has this been happening? How much information on Ironcrest do you have, but aren't sharing?"

"Cassian-"

He cut him off with a glare. "I'm responsible for taking care of the rebellions- I need to know about these kinds of things, Rhys. Immediately."

The highlord inhaled deeply, glancing up at the sky as if sending a prayer. "A week. I hadn't told you any of this before now, since I was still deciding on what to do next."

He arched an eyebrow. "And have you made up your mind."

Rhys furrowed his brows. "I plan on sending someone with Azriel to Ironcrest." He jutted his head in the shadowsinger's direction, where the rest of the group had gathered to watch them. "To help gather more information on what's happening in camp."

Cassian glanced over at the group. Both the shadowsinger and Aegan had stopped talking, and were staring at him with such intensity that, internally, scared him shitless. Nesta had stepped in front of Estelle, her warm demeanor he had seen on her replaced with the usual cold look. She gestured to Rhys, a look of confusion and irritation crossing her face.

'I'll tell you later', he mouthed to her, before turning back to face Rhys. "Who'd you have in mind?"

His friend turned towards the group, scanning his eyes over the four of them. He lingered on Nesta briefly, earning him a jab in the side from Cassian. "Don't you even think about sending Nesta to that hell hole", he growled out softly.

Rhys merely chuckled. "Don't fret, Cass, I'd never send someone as inexperienced as Nesta to spy on Ironcrest."

A part of him sighed with relief- after all, Nesta would be out of harm's way. However, another part of him wanted to knock Rhys's teeth in for calling her inexperienced. She was a genius, and even though she might not be able to throw a punch, she could easily manipulate her way through Ironcrest if she so desired.

The highlord skipped over Estelle, and settled on Aegan. "Do you think we can trust Aegan with spying on her former camp?"

"Considering the fact that she's seemingly only loyal to Nesta, Aegan's loyalty to the Night Court shouldn't be a problem." He stroked his chin in thought. "The real question is whether Aegan will butcher the entire camp when she get's there."

"And will that be a problem?" Rhys asked, grinning slightly.

"Only if the camp finds out that you sent her, which they definitely will" he shot back, forcing his voice to stay quiet, lest the female they were talking about managed to overhear them.

A silence fell between the two, as Cassian pondered over the idea. Yes, Aegan was perfectly capable of defending herself, and most likely remembered Ironcrest well enough to be a valuable asset to Azriel and the Night Court. But she spoke of the camp with such venom... Cassian wondered if she would accept the role as spy, if only to get the chance to burn Ironcrest to the ground. She didn't seem like one to show mercy.

"So?"

Cassian prayed silently. For Ironcrest, who didn't know that it was, in fact the prey, and the predator was closing in on her kill. "Let's do it."

~Aegan's POV~

"How dare he send you to the mountains!" Nesta hissed as she paced across the floor. "First, Rhysand helps himself to your mind, and now he make you spy on Ironcrest?" She let out a growl, before whirling towards Aegan. "How are you not mad?"

Aegan wrung out her wet hair, a soft towel wrapped around her. "I sensed an opportunity- I wouldn't have agreed to meet him if I didn't."

Back at the arena, Rhysand had approached her with the offer- become a spy for the Night Court. She would record any new movements from Ironcrest, and report them immediately to Azriel, who would send them to the high lord. The shadowsinger looked fairly surprised at the proposition, as if he hadn't heard about it. Aegan doubted that was true.

When Nesta had heard about his offer, she immediately shot him down, making a point to stand in front of Aegan to block her from Rhysand's view. 'She has done enough for you! ' She had yelled at him. 'You promised to let her go home! '

As Nesta and Rhysand bickered and exchanged insults, Aegan had been pondering over Nesta's words- she had been in Velaris for far too long, and hadn't Rhysand promised to release her after he was finished searching through her mind? She had helped him for longer than she'd like. And now it was his turn to help her.

They both had turned towards her, expecting an answer. Aegan had merely smiled, and told him that she would tell him her answer later, and had flown Nesta back to the House of Wind, Estelle not far behind.

"As much as I want to simply disappear into the Illyrian Mountains, and not be bothered by anymore Night Court drama", Aegan began to say, as she rummaged through a drawer filled with clothes. "I knew I needed to deal with Ironcrest one way or another. Rhysand had just offered me an opportunity to."

"By spying on them?" Nesta challenged, as Aegan ducked behind the bathroom door to change into fresh clothes. "You seem more inclined to raze the camp than to watch over it like a dotting mother."

"Dear Nesta, you know me so well. Destroying that camp would please me immensely, yet I much prefer to watch them suffer slowly. And when they finally realize who had been the cause of Ironcrest's deterioration", she briefly poked her head out of the bathroom to trace a line across her throat, "that is when I announce my presence. And ruin them for ruining me."

Nesta was silent for a while, Aegan taking this time to finish tugging on the black sweater, and hiking up her brown pants. They fit beautifully around the waist, but were terribly tight around the thighs. They definitely weren't crafted for someone of her built- perhaps they were Elain's.

"Aegan", the high fae began to say as she exited the bathroom, "I still don't think you should do this. You've already done enough for him."

"I know", she told her, her fingers skimming over the knife strapped to her thigh. "It's time for Rhysand to return the favor."

"So you finally arrived", the High Lord drawled, sitting in a plush armchair in the living room. "I was wondering if Nesta convinced you not to come."

Aegan fought the urge to hurl both him and that armchair out the window. "Of course not, Rhysand. I had made up my mind a while ago, and not even my friend could change her mind, even if she had some compelling points."

He watched her sit down in the armchair across from him. "I'm glad you came then."

"You should be", she mumbled, not being able to relax into the leather chair. "So, should we go over the terms once more?"

"Of course", Rhysand crooned, crossing his legs. "You'll spend 6 weeks in Ironcrest, gathering intel on any new movements or suspicious behavior you see. After that", he took a sip of whatever alcohol he was drinking, "you may leave, and return to whatever hole you spawned out of."

6 weeks. That was quite a long time away from Velaris. From Nesta and Estelle. She shouldn't worry about the two of them- Nesta could take care of the younger Illyrian just fine. But her mother had been more of capable of taking care of herself, and she was dead when Aegan returned. 'No', she scolded herself. 'Nesta and Estelle will be fine when I return. The Inner Circle will protect them.' Hopefully, that is.

"Well? Do you agree to my terms?"

Aegan snapped to attention- Rhysand had been waiting for her answer. It seems like the rest of the inner circle had as well- Mor and Amren had quieted their conversation, the two occasionally casting sideways glances at her. Even Feyre had paused her reading to hear Aegan's answer. She could feel the high lady's eyes bore into the side of her skull- it was hard not to flinch.

Her fingers searched for the knife strapped to her thigh, instantly relaxing once they brushed over the hilt. "Fine", she finally told him, taking a deep breath. "I'll do it." She then raised a finger, cutting off the high lord from whatever he was about to say. "I'll do it, but only under one condition."

Rhysand's eyebrows shot up, as if he hadn't been expecting for that answer. "And what would that be?"

She pulled out the knife, and gently laid it on the small table in between them. "Her name is Sasha, and I want you to find her."

"Sasha? Who is this?"

"My best friend," Aegan told him, skimming her hand over an arm rest. "She's been missing for gods know how long, and I would like to find her."

Rhysand examined the knife in his hands. "What if she's dead?"

She ignored the dread that crept back up in her stomach. "She's not the type to die quickly, Rhysand. And even if she did... die, then at least I won't be in a wild goose chase for the rest of my life."

The high lord eyed her, before placing the knife back on the table. "And if I refuse?"

She should've seen that coming- of course he wouldn't help her find Sasha. Why had she been so foolish to believe that he would? Grabbing the knife, Aegan stood up, casting him a glance over her shoulder. "Then our deal is off- I'll scour all of fucking Prythian for her, and you'll find yourself someone else for the job."

Aegan then made her way towards the door, only to feel it lock when she touched it. "Don't do something you're going to regret", she muttered to him, turning back to face him.

"You are the only one for this mission", he growled, pushing himself out of his chair. "You don't really have an option to refuse."

Something inside her snapped. "Are you going to force me to, Rhysand? Are you going to get in my head and taunt when I try to force you out?" Aegan practically screamed the last part- she couldn't help it. She had been controlled for her entire life- first it was Ironcrest, then Hybern. And now it was the male in front of her.

"Aegan-"

"I dare you, Rhysand", she hissed. "Enter my mind. Ruin me in the way Hybern did. See how long I'll last." Never again would she be controlled. Aegan would rather take Sasha's knife and plunge it into her heart.

"Aegan, look what you're doing!"

She didn't remove her eyes from him, but she felt her shadows swarming wildly around her, the claws that normally hid beneath her fingertips unsheathed. And something about the fear in his eyes, in all of the Inner Circle's eyes... A crack was created in her power, and something dark, large, and deadly crawled out. It filled her body, danced in her veins, and purred. Kill them, this new thing seemed to say. Use me to kill them. It was familiar, but strange at the same time. Like a friend- or an enemy- she had forgotten long ago.

Aegan considered it, using this new power to destroy the House of Wind. She prodded that power, and was ready to unleash it when she heard the small gasp. Rhysand's eyes darted behind her, mouthing for the person to leave. One of her shadows curled around her ear, and whispered Estelle's name softly, more and more shadows following suit.

Estelle was right behind her, witnessing all of this. All of her. Aegan took a deep breath, feeling the powers around her diminish back to their typical state, however that strange thing was still there, deep in her chest.

"Aegan? Is everything alright?"

She turned towards the younger Illyrian, placing a hand on her cheek. "Yes, Estelle", she lied smoothly, shooting her a small grin. "I'll be right there, just finishing things up with Rhysand."

Estelle nodded hesitantly, before peering over Aegan's shoulder to look at the others. "It seems that you gave them a scare."

"When don't I?" She joked. "Now, you go wait outside- I'll be right there."

Without waiting to see if the girl actually listened, she faced Rhysand once more. "Do we have a deal, Rhysand?"

He inhaled deeply, his fists clenched at his sides. "Yes, Aegan, we have a deal", he muttered to her, sticking out a hand.

She clasped it, and they shook on the deal. Inclining her head, she released his hand, steppingvout of the room, before nearly bumping into Estelle on the other side.

"What was that all about?" Estelle asked, crossing her arms as they made back to Nesta's toom to tell her the news.

Aegan thought of Sasha, and hope slowly bled over the dread that still lingered. "An opportunity."

@callie-bear15

@thisgryffindorlllyrian

@nestaarcheronwillkillme

@dreamworld-1997

@rairrai

@deezrmuhsheeple

@my-fan-side

@leulivy

[vidalinav]

Queen of Monsters: Chapter 3

Chapter summary: Nesta worms her way into the infirmaries and friendships are started. 

I don't even know what to say right now because you know the state of the U.S. is still up in the air but (shrugs) happy reading I guess! 

Chapter List, Masterlist 

~

“You’re going to catch a cold, if you keep coming here looking like a wet dog,” the Illyrian said, raising a brow. “And I don’t treat animals.”

Nesta merely lifted her head in greeting, not at all concerned with the fiery depths of her glare or the deep, authoritative note of her voice. She’d heard harsher, been harsher than the female in front of her. She’d withstood colder days than this one, too.

“I am here to work.” She repeated and the Illyrian scoffed, rolling her eyes at the phrase she’d heard every day since last. Nesta raised her chin at the challenge.

The Illyrian’s shoulders squared, the brown pelt of fur shifting to reveal a plain shirt tucked into pleats, and Nesta noted the chain around her neck with an emblem to match. The necklace decorated in obsidian beads.  

“I have no job for you here.” 

“Then I’ll wait.” She said, leaning against the tent walls, already prepared with a book in her hand.

The female sniffed and Nesta gripped the book harder. Her knuckles tight against the pages even if she didn’t so much as grimace.

She knew that look. The prideful nonchalance. The I am better than you turn of her lips. Arrogance and conceit. It reminded her of her mother. That stern look that made Nesta remember wanting her room, her door ready to hide her behind its wood, behind the slam of its hinges. Such comforting, familiar anxiety. Nesta wished she had the talent to capture the look, even envied Feyre for her skill to keep memories on canvas and across frames.

Her wings painted the morning in crisp amber veins, and the female seemed to grow taller right before her eyes. Nesta's temper rose to the occasion as she took a step forward.

Her mother always did say her worst trait was that she was stubborn. If Nesta didn’t want the porridge, she wouldn’t eat it, no matter how many times the maids put it in front of her. If she didn’t want to learn to waltz, she would sit on the foyer, crossing her arms, and not even the prospects of extra dessert or the lure of new toys would make her get up from the ground.

Nesta’s father on the other hand had laughed. Her antics reminding him of successful business deals across the sea. This was her best trait, he’d said, because he worked with others less headstrong than her and only, she could come out with an outcome so lucrative. When he had told her this, Nesta had made it a point to be as stubborn as possible.

So, Nesta did not back down even if the female pointedly glared, huffing in annoyance as Nesta refused to leave from her idle threats. She merely walked through the tent flaps, wisps of her dark hair flying behind, untucked from her scarf.

Nesta resumed her position leaning against the green material and began reading once more. Suddenly lost in dreams of ships going out to sea and porridge getting colder.

~

The infirmary was run by an Illyrian named Ira, Nesta learned. She had hailed from Dunravar, on the coast of the Great Sea and moved to Windhaven when her sister had married. And she had always been like that—no nonsense and just a tad crass.

“I was scared of her when I was young.” Emerie spoke. “Her long witchy fingers, the pointed nose. She’d poke and prod at me and I was certain she was feeling how tender I was so she could cook me later.”

Nesta sighed, resting her chin in her palm. “Whether she’s scary or not, I still want to work there.”

But the look Emerie gave her did not fill her with confidence.

Nesta couldn’t say she was either. She had been sitting outside that tent for weeks and she had yet to be invited inside. The last time she did enter, all she heard were yells from the female about minding her own when she’d inadvertently run in on a rather thorough exam of some war-torn soldier. Nesta didn’t have the patience that day to continue waiting outside. 

“Are you still going to the kitchens later?”

She nodded her head, her lips forming a thin line. “Yes, I work in the evenings, now.”

Emerie reached up, dusting the tallest shelf and Nesta couldn’t help but grimace as the flecks of dust sprinkled down on the freshly polished floor.

“And you still have to walk back?” Emerie offered incredulously. “Don’t you think that’s a little bit late for you to work?”

“Why would it be?” Nesta asked, her voice not at all looking for an answer. She’d heard this argument before, and the thought of his voice made her want yell vulgar profanities. So, what if she worked all day? Wasn’t he always complaining that she’d slept all day? Or that she drank all night? It seemed that it didn’t matter what she did, Nesta did everything wrong by his standards, backwards by her sisters’ standards, and thoroughly disgraceful to her sister’s buffoon of friends.

She couldn’t win in any likelihood and so Nesta wouldn’t try. Their approval an impossible task.

“Aren’t you ever afraid of being out at all hours of the night? What if something were to happen to you?”

Nesta snickered, “Like a beast runs out of the forest and eats me.”

“Like a male waits for you to be alone and corners you in some alley.”

Been there, done that, Nesta wanted to say, but she swallowed the remark.

“So, a beast runs out of a tent and eats me? Interesting.”

Emerie jumped down from the chair, stepping towards her as she placed her hands on her hips. The grey feathers still sprinkling dust down and down. Nesta had to resist the urge to kick the trash bin under the brush.

“You should be more careful.” The Illyrian warned sternly. Grumbling as she said, “Why do you even work in the kitchens, it’s not like your obligated to do it?”

Nesta leaned back on the counter, tapping her fingers on the glass.

It was a good question, one Nesta had asked herself many times and one she didn’t think she had the right answer to even now. In the beginning, it had been a moment to get out of the house and in another it was to piss Cassian off, because she’d learned he hated the chores. The obligation of them, and Nesta knew all about obligation. It had been her life for years before it was deemed meaningless women’s work that she shouldn’t be happy to partake in. Not that Nesta ever really did.

“Because one day Lord Devlon had asked why I wasn’t upheld to chores if I lived in this camp and was expected to be treated the same… and Cassian, he had told him I was not like them and I had wondered what he meant by them. By me and... you all. What difference did he see between us?”

“You are not Illyrian.” Emerie stated simply. Suddenly serious and not that female who opened her door and left it wide open the next time, when Nesta pretended she’d lost her gloves. She could see the difference even as Emerie didn’t seem too different before her now. But Nesta could tell.

It was in the eyes, she thought, and Nesta wondered what it all meant to be looked at like that. With bright, furious eyes.

“Does that matter?” She asked lightly.

“It matters to them—to us.” Emerie corrected harshly. “It matters to us because tradition is more important than glory. It is more important than even war though the males are raised to yearn for it and the females to encourage it. Perhaps the males train because that too is a tradition.”

Emerie whipped the duster towards her, pointing it as if it was her finger. The dust sprinkled at her feet, falling like ash and snow and Nesta kicked the dust aside, refusing to be buried under it. She noted the red in her cheeks, the purse of Emerie’s lips. It was a look she’d before in a mirror or two. Something undeniably bitter and angry.

"I say this just in case you believe you can change their minds by being obstinate.”

Nesta huffed a laugh. “Because doing chores is such an honor.” She gestured to the walls, the leather. “And I suppose owning a shop is child’s play. Mother forbid you give it all up now to go boil water and skin tomorrow’s lamb.”

“Many beings here would rather die than give up their ways… Including Ira. She’s one of the oldest beings in this camp. People say she saw Devlon when he was in swaddling.”

Nesta stared at her questioning, wondering for whom Emerie was talking and what exactly she meant by it all.

“A High Fae learning what your kind has always called simple and archaic? If you weren’t standing right in front of me, I wouldn’t believe it.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I took over this shop, what rightfully belonged to me based on my blood, and still they don’t want to visit. I have every cloth they might need, and no one is at my door. You may think you can go help in the kitchens or wait outside the infirmary at all hours of the day, but... don’t be disappointed if they still don’t let you in.”

Nesta felt the words settle in the pit of her stomach, felt them bubble up as she rose to stand. Emerie crossed her arms and Nesta glared, though she couldn’t say why the words agitated her so swiftly. But it made her nauseous and Nesta did not have time to swallow the bile that had risen up her throat.

“It’s not my fault they don’t want you.” She heard herself say.

Emerie’s gaze turned ferocious. The rims of her eyes turning red, and Nesta wanted to continue. To tell her that she looked equally as likely to cry as she did to attack. But Nesta did not get the chance to say this to the Illyrian whose chest was still heaving, her hands scrunched and shaking.

"Get out.” Emerie spoke. A quiet, stern phrase.

Nesta picked up her coat, as graceful as she could muster, her shoulders still poised and precise. She pretended to wipe the dust off it, though there was none that she could see, and Emerie merely watched her all the way to the door. Some vicious monster in her midst.

Nesta didn’t bother putting on her coat as she left the small shop, as she welcomed the frigid temperatures.

The cold had already become her dearest friend.

~

Nesta wasn’t sure why she always felt angry when she looked at Cassian. At first, he’d been nothing but a pebble in her shoe—irritating because he brought of things, he knew nothing about. And then, he became someone who made her temper swell into such fine-tuned fury that she’d wanted to scratch out his eyes and feed them to the crows she’d seen pecking away at Elain’s garden.

But somewhere between their cantankerous voices crescendoing into insults and ire, somewhere between all the noise... Cassian had been exciting. Finally, there was someone who could match her blow by blow and wipe it away like dust off an old book. He was in fact as bitter as she was. Even if he did smile and laugh like nothing at all was wrong.

He had cared for her then, promised things she never wanted to hear again, even if she heard those words incessantly. In her nightmares. In her dreams.

And Nesta had liked making him angry. The teasing turn of his lips filled with enough sensuality, she had wanted to reach up and find exactly what those words tasted like coming from his lips. It was fun to see his eyes burn when he looked at her—that look that made him seem to question whether he wanted to push her out the window or wanted to take her to bed. It made her feel... powerful, more so than any of the magic hidden in her veins. More so than even the bitter, rotting hate that allowed her to walk with a crown over her head, though it was indeed made of thorns.

She had gotten used to looking at Cassian, yearning for a glimpse of him. But now...

Now... as she looked him over sitting on the soft grey of the couch, his wings expanding behind as if he’d lounge there for eternity, Nesta could only think that she’d wished he’d suffered more. She didn’t know why she thought of such things, when she laid her body across his. Hadn’t she felt something then? Something other than her veins catching fire. But the thought itched all the way up to her ears, harmonized with the fire’s roar.

Nesta burned with it all, and quite enjoyed the warmth.

Cassian, turning his head to look at her, only wore a solemn face. A look she’d seen plenty.

“You okay?” He breathed.

Nesta didn’t answer his question. She looked at the walls, the shadows forming on the paint as if it oozed out of its crevices. The flames scratching up the wood. And the sound—gnarling animals and who knows what else devouring her whole, chewing on her bones. Emerie had been right to compare beasts and arrogant males.

Here sat one right in front of her. Tall and unknowingly malicious. Hungry, perhaps. Waiting for her to come back so he might just take one bite.

Her eyes scanned him head to toe, her hands bulging into fists, and something in her body snapped awake. Something in her body going, oh that’s right.

I’m here because of you.

~

Nesta could see her breath puff out before her. What she wouldn’t give to tell her father that she was made of smoke when he always believed she was fire incarnate. Living flames. Always burning. Angry to the core.

She held her palm out, collecting the flakes that settled on her gloves. Each speck of snow completely unaware that it had landed on someone without a home, without a job, and without any meaningful life. How it remained on the leather without melting to get away, Nesta would never know.

She had almost not come to the infirmary that morning, the words of yesterday blurring into tomorrows and she hadn’t gotten much sleep that night. With Emeries gaze still in her mind and Cassian’s... everything else.

It was always like this. It would always be like this, Nesta thought. How she wasn’t used to the disappointment by now, she didn't know. But it was the thought of forever's that made her stomach ache. Her hand pulling at her bodice when it was harder to breathe.

Eternity was a long time to hate oneself. She couldn’t imagine being a hundred, or two, or three, and still be here. Not this place, but in this body. In this head of hers that couldn’t move past yesterday. How she wished to take another one. Another face. Another name. Another being, entirely.

Nesta wondered if perhaps she was still drowning in that cauldron. If she had not actually emerged fae. Maybe she was still being pulled apart in its moving depths. Re-arranged. None of the pieces fitting back together but being stitched sideways and upside down and backwards.

Oh, how Nesta wished she’d only been made backwards. How easy it would be to rip herself open and sew herself correctly. A new name, a new face, a new being entirely.

But Nesta was here.

And though she often felt like she was sinking, the ground was solid as she stepped. The tent green and bright and not the dark, unknown parts of a world she could not hide from. Her toes might have been blue from where the snow seeped into her boots, but Nesta was not being grabbed by the feet, dragged further and further down.

This place was familiar.

Familiar she could handle. The sky a hue of blue with a single streak of orange? Nesta had seen that before. The tent flaps parted at the seams, Nesta recognized. But it was the light of the tent that had Nesta pacing forward. A sudden drop in her stomach that said she was late, late, late.

Ira must have been there already.

Nesta’s shoulders sunk at the thought.

This was not how it was supposed to go. She was supposed to stand beside the entrance way, a book at the ready and a stubborn expression permanently painted on her face. Ira was supposed to give her a glare, followed by a snarky reply. Nesta would tell her she wanted to work, and Ira would tell her no. Just like every other day she had done this. A comfortable and familiar routine.

Ira was not supposed to get there before her, and Nesta cursed herself for not coming in early, for not anticipating the move of her opponent.

Ira had won this game, Nesta thought, for catching her by surprise.

She looked towards that spot, the spot she’d proclaimed as her own for how often she’d been there. Nesta expected to find it empty. The space eerily cold without her body to fill it, but when her gaze crossed the premises, a stool had taken her place.

Nesta rushed to greet it, her face warming in the frigid air.

Sure enough, a stool marked her position, and she wondered if Ira had put it there to stave her off. If you will stand, you will not stand here, she could imagine her saying with that twisted smirk. Her long fingers tapping away any chances of her being welcomed inside.  

But as a stool stood there, so did a book. The leather a deep shade of charcoal.

Nesta picked it up, feeling the symbol etched into the surface, trying to make out a title in a language she couldn’t read. She could hear the bustle coming from inside the tent, but Nesta didn’t care to go inside. She plopped on the stool instead, her own book forgotten as she shoved her bag to the floor.

Nesta flipped through the book, flowers blooming in every page. She traced her hand on the etchings and imagined the unknown words planting themselves like seeds in her mind. Growing such deep roots that Nesta could hear them being whispered in her ears. The language soothed a wound that Nesta could only bandage up, and where a fire once raged, having only left smoldering ash, wildflowers sprung from the dirt.

Try again, the words said. 

~

Emerie’s brows crinkled like crumbled paper and Nesta’s words were tossed to the ground in littered thoughts. She didn’t know what to say to the female who stood on the steps leading down from her room. Her hair tucked into a braid; a simple apron tied at her waist. Emerie didn’t say anything, either. For all intents, they could have been frozen there. The mountainous winds finally catching up with the frigid winter skies.

“I was in the area.” Nesta began, cursing at herself for sounding so odd to her ears.

Emerie only nodded, “Alright…”

Nesta looked towards the book in her hands, some part of her already dreading the idea that Emerie knew more than her. She knew that Nesta had not just walked by. She knew that she was unable to stay away, that she had enjoyed her company even if she wanted to forget it all.

And forget it all, she tried.

The emblem at the front depicted a sickle, the weapon carving away at a plant she couldn’t name growing from the leather. She held it up for Emerie to see.

 “I was wondering if you could help me with this.” She spoke, sliding it across the counter as Emerie caught it with little effort.

The Illyrian flipped through the pages, her hands grazing against each picture as if she were in the forest herself, picking them stem by stem. Nesta had done the same, such a mirrored image that she couldn’t help imagining a world where she had met this female earlier. When she’d not been so disastrous and had wanted someone to talk to, to laugh with. 

But Nesta knew... There had never been a time like that. She had never been soft.

“What language is it?” Nesta asked in spite of wandering thoughts. For she had not seen such a language before. The letters curving into loops and lines. Such beautiful print for how harsh Illyrians seemed to her.

“It’s called Divumar.” Emerie replied, shutting the book with a thump and passing it back to her. “It means... voice of the sky people. Roughly—In the Common Tongue.”

“Can you teach me to read it?” Nesta asked, her voice edged with enough excitement she could barely hold it in. Just the word Divumar made Nesta want to float in space and she repeated it silently to herself.  How amazing it must have been to be free amongst the clouds, so much that the language sounded holy to her ears.

But it was not freedom that had trailed after Emerie, as she went to stand near the window. The snow burdening the dirt. Her wings drooping to the ground.

“Why did you come back?” She asked, her voice reticent and small.

Nesta could only knock her fingers against the counter. The sound pounding in her ears. She’d never been good with talking, even now as out of practice as she was. Her sisters made friends so easily and Nesta couldn't very well now embody sweet, pretty Elain who only needed to bat her lashes, or Feyre whose laugh made people join in.

Even her sister’s rambunctious, elusive friends were able to hold on to each other. Mor with her bright, happy gaze. Too much like the sun Nesta had wanted to hold a hand across her face and shield herself away. Rhys—she'd wanted to roll her eyes at. Her sister’s mate much too flashy and extreme. Much too pig-headed, too, she’d come to learn. And Azriel had been quiet, studious, veiled in ways that Nesta could understand, but could not empathize with. She was sure it could not be easy making friends with him.

No, Nesta had only one person she’d called a friend—or someone close enough to visit—and Nesta had taught Amren to hate her too. She was so good at being cold most days.

Emerie was not like Amren, though. Not like the Inner Circle, or Feyre or Elain... Not like any of them because no one knew her at all.

The thought made Nesta want to keep her—hide her away from the Inner Circle’s antics, from their judging stares, their obligatory smiles. The one person who was similar to her in ways she had only begun to imagine, who would know her and not hate.

But Nesta had to win her over first and she thought of Cassian in that moment. Though on instinct she wanted to curse his name, she’d seen the way he acted. People liked him, she considered. Always teasing, hiding away everything he felt in the brightness of his grin.

She could do that, she supposed. She could laugh to cover heartbreaks, smile to cover fear...

“It must have been the delightful company,” Nesta joked, her voice strained and forced.

Emerie was not amused. Her mouth set in a stern line and Nesta had to force herself not to back away into a corner somewhere. No, she would keep her head raised until the final moment.

Nesta shrugged, gulping down the insecurity like a scratch in her throat.  

“I didn’t have anywhere else to go.” She spoke, her words so quiet Emerie wouldn’t have heard them had she not been fae. Nesta almost wished she wasn’t.

“I can’t help you read it.” Emerie answered in turn, “I don’t know how.”

“To read?”

Emerie shook her head, “Not even in the common tongue.”

Nesta didn’t know what to say as Emerie shuffled back and forth, her hand clenched around the cream-colored apron. She turned over the book in her hands, the pages some of her finest jewels and Emerie watched her, a touch of envy in those furrowed brows. 

Stories had been her solace all these years. The voices, her many friends. It had always seemed a shame that she couldn’t see what worlds lied beyond the sea, but Nesta had books at least. Her world had not been so small.

The deep sorrow in her bones rivaled the feeling of when Feyre told her the same. A heavy weight like sigh drawing from every crevice. Her sister could not share in her joy, and Nesta didn’t remember ever offering her the chance. All the stories lost in their poverty.

There was no beautiful way to say she was sorry for their lives, that there were so many ways that freedom could be taken away from them. Starting from the first story to the simplest cut.

So instead, Nesta extended a hand, Emerie looking at it. A strange proposition in the midst of them that Nesta wasn’t exactly sure she was making.

“Even exchange of services.” She said, smiling as the Illyrian reached out cautiously. “You teach me to speak and I’ll teach you to read.”

~

Nesta stood outside the tent when two Illyrians were taken into the infirmary. Carried by a group of males, they were lugged through the open, awaiting tent. They groaned charnel tunes, and Nesta smelled the blood before she saw it drip two trails in the perfect snow. 

The wind blew harsh around them as if the sky, itself, knew who had made the wreckage, but the Illyrians paid no mind. One simply commanding orders as another nodded swiftly, hitching the male’s body up higher.

Nesta stepped far away.

The first male, clothed in leathers and fur, looked as pale as the winter morning. His foot pouring blood where it was caught in a trap, the mechanics still biting away at his limb. The second, though not making as much noise, hung dazed in his ragged clothing. His eyes empty and lost. Nesta had to cover her mouth as she took in the arrows logged into his back. His wings torn in places that brought back bad memories.

She wanted to throw up, wanted to huddle in the corner and rock herself as she closed her eyes. The picture of broken limbs and snapped necks, and headless bodies following her even now.

But Nesta did none of those things. She merely stood there, watching as she blinked. The world slowing down enough that even the noise was silenced.

She took a seat, the stool still planted by the entrance way, and picked up the book again. The words for plant, herb, and healing still floating through her mind. She repeated the words. Nabata, traven, and saluber. Nabata, traven, and saluber. 

It wasn’t long before the space was quiet again, the wind howling but unable to reach her where she sat. Nesta pointedly ignored the shouts from inside the tent, pretending that it was covered by music. The notes playing some tune she could barely remember.

She was lost to it all.

Until Ira walked out the room… a towel tinged pink in her hands. Nesta stood straighter at the female who grimaced but did not shy away from her gaze.

“You,” She pointed, her wings flaring and wide. Her back straight and indignant. She tapped her foot on the ground and Nesta thought she saw regret in her eyes, but Ira still parted the tent flap. “Do not get in the way.”

Nesta simply pursed her lips, raised her nose dismissively and followed her inside.

~

@my-fan-side  @ekaterinakostrova  @anastasia-orlov @lord-douglas-the-third @autumnsletters @soitsgorgeous @sjm-things @courtofjurdan 

(Let me know if you want to be tagged, I forgot to tag, or you don’t want to be tagged)

~

I plan to update every Tuesday btw. So far so good. Also more Nesta/Cassian contact in the next chapter, and some Azriel I think. YAY!

Anyways, like, comment, reblog, if you happened to enjoy and want to read more. :D

[dreamilyzealousbird]

Happy Valentine’s 2k18

so I dedicate this fic to my dear Valentine @fiery-feyre <3

Happy Valentine’s day! I hope you enjoy it.

(quick shout out to my lovely @rowaelinsmut for helping me edit. TYSM <3)

Elain’s wedding was in a week, and Nesta dreaded the day for a different reason other than the fact that her little sister was marrying Lucien, of all people. She hadn’t been able to find a date, which meant getting set up with Lucien’s brother. She wanted to avoid that situation at all costs, but also didn’t want to upset Elain. Feyre had a date and she had suggested she could introduce Nesta to her new boyfriend’s brother but Nesta had quickly shut that down. She would have to figure out something later. It was time for zumba class at the rec center, so with one last look at the mirror to check her hair was secure in a ponytail, she grabbed her keys and left.

The rec center was busy and Nesta hoped she wouldn’t run into the insufferable brute who was always working out outside the dance room. Of course, it wasn’t totally his fault he happened to be a personal trainer there. Nesta met Cassian a year ago, when she started attending zumba class. He was showing a client the proper way to do a squat and he caught her checking out his butt. Needless to say, he had teased her endlessly until she had muttered a string of curses at him and it had all gone downhill from there; at least she thought so as he always found time to go out of his way and annoy her with his lame flirting tactics.

—

Cassian was eager to start the class. The instructor had called in sick, and since he was certified in zumba, the manager asked him to step in. He knew his friend Nesta would be there. She never missed a class, and he couldn’t wait to see the look on her face when she saw him standing there. Nesta had something in her fiery blue-grey eyes that enticed him. She commanded the room with her presence, and he loved to work her up. Her words never ceased to awaken a primal instinct in him. Since the first day he had set eyes on her, his thoughts always seemed to drift to that woman, Nesta.

—

As Nesta entered the room, she couldn’t believe her eyes. Why of all days, did he have to be here? He was standing there in all his glory like a war God… wait what? What was she thinking?  

“What are you doing here Cassian?” she asked him.

He turned to address her, “I’m your zumba instructor today,” he smirked at her.

She decided that it wasn’t worth putting up with this insufferable man; she would just miss today’s class. Besides, watching all these people swoon over him put her in a bad mood.

“Leaving already, Nes? I never thought you’d back away from a challenge.”

Ugh. “I don’t,” she answered reluctantly.

“Then stay here, I bet you’ll enjoy my dancing more.”

There was no way she would survive this class. Nesta decided she would stand at the back of the room, where there was less of a chance of him looking at her dancing; even with the large mirrors at the front of the room.

“Welcome everyone, my name is Cassian, and I’ll be your instructor today. Let’s get started, and make sure you have fun!“

The song Havana by Camila Cabello came on the sound system, and Cassian started moving to the rhythm. Nesta gaped; the way he moved to the music, his hips swaying side to side; the muscles under his shirt rippling in such a sensual way that had her cheeks burning. She needed to stop staring or he was going to tease her. Again.

—

Cassian couldn’t stop the smile growing on his face. The beautiful way Nesta blushed at the way he moved was adorable. She was exquisite; he was captivated by her eyes and the way she pretended not to look at him. Today, today would be the day he asked her out. Maybe when she was working he would casually stop by the library and ask her to recommend a new book. Yes, perfect plan.

—

Nesta walked out of the dance classroom as fast as her legs could manage. She needed a very long, very cold shower after that session. Nobody should be allowed to look that good while sweating - which only made her think of other ways he could work up a sweat. No! She needed to stop thinking about Cassian. She had to get ready for work if she didn’t want to be late.

The library was quiet as usual. Nothing better to relax with than sorting books, and the scent of the pages waiting to be read. This was her favorite place to be. As Nesta walked back to her desk, she saw a familiar pair of red sneakers peeking out from behind the furniture.

“Hey there Nes,” he smiled that crooked smile she loved.

“What can I help you with today?” She asked with poise.

“I actually wanted to ask you if there was any book you could recommend me?”

“Okay, what kind of genre do you like to read?”

Cassian pondered for a bit before answering, “I like mostly nonfiction, memoirs, history. Lots of informational stuff.”

Alright, she was not expecting that answer.

“Have you read Night by Elie Wiesel? It’s not new but it is the story of a holocaust survivor. It is an amazing read.”

Something like surprise flitted across his eyes before disappearing. “Actually I haven’t read it. Can you help me find it?” he asked.

“Of course.”

As Nesta and Cassian walked back to the bookshelf, she couldn’t help but shiver every time she felt the ghost of his breath on her bare shoulder. She found the book, and as she turned around, she found him staring at her with what she thought looked like longing in his eyes.

“Here you go.” She handed the book to him, and his fingers brushed against hers, and she felt her belly flutter in response.

“Thank you, Nesta.”

She met his eyes and saw a question lingering there. She was about to turn to walk back to her desk, but he caught her off guard and then asked, “I was also wondering if maybe you would like to grab dinner with me sometime?”

He looked nervous and an idea popped into her head; one she would most likely regret later.

“Actually, I have a favor to ask of you. I need a date for my sister’s wedding. Would you be willing to pretend to be my boyfriend for a night?”

—

Cassian couldn’t move. He never thought she would actually consider going out with him, much less ask him to pretend to be her boyfriend.

“Sweetheart, are you sure you’re just wanting to pretend? I saw the way you were looking at me during zumba.”

Her eyes went round and that beautiful blush he so dearly loved made its way to her cheeks.

“Can you be serious for one minute? Look, if you can’t I understand, I’ll just ask someone else.”

No. No way was he going to let anyone else take his place.

“Yes, of course I’ll do it.” He saw the relief settle in her eyes.

“Good. So I’ll be wearing cream and gold. Make sure we match. The wedding is on the 7th at six o’clock. Pick me up at five. Don’t be late.”

“Yes, milady. But I don’t know where you live and I don’t have your number.”

She growled in frustration, then extended her hand, “I’ll type my number into your cell. Text me, and I will give you my address.”

Just like that, Cassian had Nesta’s number. Yes! He was doing a celebratory dance in his head; he had been trying to get it almost since the day he met her. He couldn’t wait to be Nesta’s boyfriend. Well, her pretend boyfriend, but maybe one day it would become reality.

—

Nesta was still pondering over what she had done.

“Cassian is my boyfriend,” she said out loud. What was she thinking? This was going to be a disaster. Just then, she received a text from a unknown number.

~Hey it’s Cassian :)

An emoji? Really? She answered him with her address and tossed her cellphone on her bed when another message came in.

~So do u have a date yet? - Feyre

~If not, we could set u up with some1 - Elain

Great. So they were group chatting.

~ No it’s ok, I’ll be attending with my boyfriend - Nesta

~ YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?!?! - Feyre

~ Since when? - Elain

~ No need to be so surprised, Fey. Yes, I have one and we’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks. You’ll meet him at the wedding. Goodnight! - Nesta

—

It was the day of the wedding and Cassian was nervous. He was wearing a grey suit with a crisp white shirt and a cream and gold striped tie. The same color as Nesta’s dress, which she had sent him a picture of so he could get the color right. He couldn’t wait to see her but he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to act around her. Instead of overthinking it, he grabbed the keys to his car and locked the door behind him. He just hoped that tonight was going to be a good one.

—

Nesta heard the doorbell ring. She couldn’t believe her sister was getting married today. She put her lipstick in her gold clutch, and looked one last time in the mirror. She had done her hair in long curls and one side was pinned back with a crystal comb. Her dress was long, with billowy layers, and also sleeveless, which meant she would need a wrap for the night chill. She walked to the front door and opened it. There he was, his hair out of his usual bun, and looking like the most handsome man she had ever seen.

“Hello, sweetheart,” he greeted her with a cocky smile, which she answered with one of her own.

“You ready?” He asked.

“Yes, just let me lock up quickly.” She closed the door and followed him to his car. Like a true gentleman, he opened the door and helped her in the passenger seat.

“So, I told my sisters we’ve been dating for a few weeks; we met at the rec center, and you asked me out, and I said yes after the third time.”

She refused to look at him while she lay this information on him; wary of how he may react to the story she concocted.

She heard him huff, then he said, “Alright love, whatever you say.”

“Don’t call me that,” she exclaimed.

“You’re my girlfriend for tonight, Nesta, we gotta make it believable. Do you trust me?”

And surprisingly, she did. “Yes.”

He then smiled at her and said, “let’s go party.”

—

The ceremony was beautiful. Elain and Lucien looked so in love and happy with all their family and friends surrounding them. Now they were moving inside for the party. The barn looked lovely. They had decorated it with twinkling lights strung from the rafters, and the tables had lace, with gerbera daisies, roses, and carnations of different shades adorning the center pieces.

She felt Cassian next to her, as he offered his arm to walk her to their table. It turned out that Cassian and Feyre’s new boyfriend were actually brothers; he was the one they had tried to set her up with. Cassian had answered with “It looks like we were meant to be, love,” to which she gave him a death glare which everyone thought that was hilarious. Cassian kissed her on the nose.

She was surprised at how attentive and caring he was towards her, but she couldn’t figure out if he was truly like this or just pretending. Nesta told herself to snap out of it. She would leave analysing his behavior for another day. Right now, she would bask in his company, which she seemed to enjoy more and more as the time passed by. Even on her worst days, he always found a way to make her smile, whether telling her a joke or relaying a funny story of him and his family. Maybe Cassian wasn’t so bad after all.

—

Cassian couldn’t stop touching her. He kept finding ways to hold her hand, brush his fingers along her bare shoulder, or place his hand on the small of her back as they walked back to their table after talking to yet another older couple; who seemed surprised that Nesta had a boyfriend.

“You would think they haven’t seen enough couples around that you and I shouldn’t shock everyone.”

He felt bad at how judgemental everybody -with the exception of his sisters- were being. She was a passionate woman, who deserved every bit of good things going her way, but nobody could see what he did.

“Don’t feel bad, Nesta, they’re just mad because I happen to have the most beautiful woman by my side tonight. Aside from the bride of course.” He quickly amended after she sent a glare his way.

“It’s just hard to know that I won’t be accepted unless I have a man by my side. Half of these people have never acknowledged me until they saw me walk in with you today.”

He wanted to hold her in his arms and tell her she was worth all those people put together and more. Instead, he offered the next best thing. “Would you like some dessert? I know cake helps me feel better.”

She smiled at him, a genuine smile that warmed his insides. Cassian left her at their table and worked his way to the cake where Rhys and Feyre were doing butterfly kisses.

“Ew you two, get a room.”

Rhys gently shoved him and Feyre stuck her tongue out at him.

“So how is dear Nesta treating you? I hear she is quite a handful.”

Cassian glared at him. “She is amazing, and I would appreciate if you didn’t insult my girl. I’m here to get her cake because her family isn’t being very nice.”

Feyre frowned. “I swear they get worse every year. The only reason they haven’t hounded me is because Rhys keeps glaring at everyone.”

Rhys shrugged, “What can I say, I can be very intimidating.”  

“In your dreams, maybe. Now if you’ll excuse me, my Nesta is waiting for me.”

—

Nesta was actually having fun. Cassian had gone all out in convincing her family they were together. He had even participated in the garter toss and won. Now it was the ladies’ turn, and Elain was calling everyone to participate in the bouquet toss. She was only doing it because it was her sister, otherwise she would have gone to hide in the bathroom.

Now she was standing in the back among all the desperate old women looking to dance with her date. She was so distracted, that she didn’t notice when Elain tossed the bouquet and it landed at her feet. Everybody started cheering and she can’t help but glance at Cassian, who looked… relieved? Maybe it was just that he didn’t want to dance with old aunt Marge and was now free from her clutches.

As the dance floor cleared, Elain and Lucien walked Cassian towards her and announced, “And now my sister Nesta will share this dance with her man, Cassian!”

The song came on, and it was, of course, “You Can’t Hurry Love” by the Supremes - her mother’s favorite song. She would sing this song to the girls when they were young. Her eyes instantly welled up and Cassian looked at with concern clouding his eyes.

“Are you okay Nes?” He asked her.

She then decided to tell him the story of her mom. The song was nearing its end when she finished speaking, and people started chanting, “Kiss! Kiss!”  

“We might as well give them what they want.” Nesta suggested.

She didn’t think about the look that crossed his face; she stood on her toes and locked lips with him. The kiss was magical, like nothing like she had ever felt before. It ignited a spark in her she couldn’t seem to put out. The kiss was over too quickly for her liking, but she didn’t let it show.

Cassian held out a hand to her and they walked back to their table. He was very quiet after that, and Nesta couldn’t help but think she had done something wrong.

—

That kiss. Gods-damn him. He couldn’t get her taste and the feel of her lips off his mind. They were on their way home and she had been distant since they had shared that amazing kiss. He didn’t want to say anything to upset her and ruin their friendship, so he stayed quiet. They pulled up to her place, and he decided to break the silence.

“Are you okay? You seem upset.”

She turned her head towards him and answered, “Yes, I’m fine, just tired. It’s late and my feet hurt from dancing.”

“Let me walk you to you door.”

She nodded. He didn’t want the night to end yet, but he wasn’t sure that Nesta would invite him in.

“I had a wonderful time, Nes. Thanks for inviting me to your sister’s wedding. I’ll see you later?” he said, more question than statement.

She nodded, “Goodnight, Cassian.”

He gave her a kiss on the cheek and lingered for a few seconds before pulling away.

“Goodnight, Nes.” He just hoped he hadn’t ruined any chances he had of taking her out again. He knew what he would do. He would prepare something special to show her how much she meant to him. First though, he had to enlist the help of his friend.

—

Nesta missed her big brute. She hadn’t seen Cassian since the day after the wedding; they were both at the rec center, and it had been so awkward that she left him there without saying goodbye.

Today was Valentine’s day and she decided to bake her famous double chocolate brownies and pay him a visit. Maybe she would talk about the kiss and why she had been so distant. She messaged Feyre to get Cassian’s address from Rhys. She would explain to her later why she didn’t know where he lived.

She hoped Cassian would like her surprise. Nesta tentatively knocked on Cassian’s door, and a few seconds later, a woman with dark, cropped hair opened the door.

“Can I help you?” She asked Nesta.

She felt her eyes widen with surprise as she heard Cassian call, “Amren, who is it?”

She felt anger and sadness. She could barely discern Cassian’s form, as she felt her vision blur from her unshed tears. She walked back toward her car with a word and she could hear him calling after her, “Nesta, wait!”

Cassian shot his hand out and held on to her wrist. She turned to face him, “I just came by to see if you were doing okay, I can see now that I didn’t need to worry. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to leave.”

Confusion and concern marred his beautiful hazel eyes, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away.

“What are you talking about, Nesta? You’re the one who always pushes me away! I was actually on my way-”

Nesta blurted out, “I love you! Okay? I have for a while now, I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything but you clearly don’t feel the same way…” Cassian cut her off by kissing her. She was shocked at first, but she quickly returned the kiss, pouring all the love she felt for him against his lips.

—

Cassian was kissing Nesta. And she was kissing him back; and it was the most wonderful feeling in the world. He finally pulled away from her and told her, “I’ve loved you since the day I met you. Also, Amren is a friend, so no need to get jealous.”

He winked at her, and she playfully rolled her eyes. Cassian sensed Amren and Varian walk behind him.

“See you later, lovebirds,” he heard Nesta chuckle and waved goodbye to the other couple.

“So, do you want to come in? I was actually preparing a surprise dinner for you and I see you brought dessert.”

A beautiful blush made its way to Nesta’s cheeks; his favorite look on her. They settled down after eating dinner, and for the next few hours, they talked about everything and nothing at all; just enjoying each other’s company. Finally with Nesta in his arms, settling into a comfortable slumber in his arms, Cassian knew there was nowhere he would rather be than holding the love of his life.  

[getalittlecountry]

First Time Again (5)

Oh hey guys. Gonna try and post a new chapter every week. We’ll see how that goes.

One Two Three Four

Chapter 5

We spent the entire afternoon and well into the evening with Cassian’s family. His father showed me his power, he could control nature. He had a vine chase Rhys, who didn’t find it funny. And his step mom she could control the weather. She made it rain over Rhys, who again didn’t find it funny. It was entertaining, watching them use their abilities without a care in the world. It was crazy to think I would be one of them one day.

Cassian took it all in like a sponge. He looked at his step mom like she was someone he had met before. The entire time they talked about who they were and what this life was, he had his hand tucked between my thighs. As long as he was touching me he didn’t freak out about any of this. Which was good because I needed his reassurance too.

After we left his family, hugging everyone and promising to come back, Cassian took me home. True to his word he cooked the three of us one of the best meals we had ever had. Fresh fish and vegetables, he made everything by hand. The vegetables were from Elain’s garden, who had come back from the store and was there to greet us.

She remembered Cassian and gave him a big hug when he came walking in holding my hand. Her cheeks were sunburnt, but she was happy to be out in her garden again. Feyre’s painting was drying out in the sun and I knew this was the one we would hang up when she was gone. It was Elain in the garden, her hat covering her red hair as it flew behind her in the wind.

As Cassian cooked I watched my sisters interact with him. They didn’t think this was weird, they clearly didn’t think we were moving too fast. They laughed at his stupid jokes and I couldn’t help but watch as his shirt moved with his body whenever he reached for something. I couldn’t believe that he was mine and yet I barely knew him. It was strange and thrilling all at once.

Elain suggested a movie after dinner. I jumped at any excuse to keep Cassian with me and he didn’t try to leave. We curled up on the long couch together, with Elain and Feyre settled in on the love seat. Cassian put a blanket over me, my head on his chest. I fell asleep within the first half hour.

I woke up in my bed, feeling better than I had ever felt before. When I turned, I found Cassian beside me, his arms wrapped around me. No aches, no pain, no fears flooded my body. I understood then what his uncle meant by having the best sleep of my life with my mate by my side. I never wanted to sleep without him again.

He was still asleep, his face soft and almost looked like the little boy I remembered. The life he had lived, the people who had hurt him and hardened him weren’t there in his features as his eyes moved under the lids. I wanted to reach out and touch his cheek, I wanted this moment to last for longer than five seconds.

Because in this moment I knew I was falling in love with  my best friend.

His eyes opened slowly. He smiled when he saw me. “Good morning,” he whispered softly as he caught me watching him sleep.

“I feel amazing,” I said softly, drawing a line across his cheek, “I’m never sleeping without you again.”

He laughed and pulled me closer, “well I don’t have any objections to that.”

I kissed him softly, flashes of our moment in the garage coming back to me. I could kiss him now whenever I wanted because I had finally given into that feeling. Cassian brushed his lips against mine, his hands tightening on my waist. I pulled away before my body begged for more. 
“Do my sisters know you spent the night?” I asked quietly, forgetting everything that had happened after the movie started.

Cassian’s laugh vibrated through his shirt, “who do you think carried you to bed? I also had to wake those two up and put them to bed. You all passed out within the second act of the movie. So I laid down with you and they didn’t know.”

I pushed myself up on my elbows, “my hero. Taking care of all three of his girls.”

He leaned up and kissed me, “someone has to.”

I sat up and stretched my arms high above my head, my shirt pulling slightly. Cassian’s eyes caught on the sliver of my stomach that showed and I smiled at his pink cheeks. I bit my lip, pulling my shirt back down.

“So I hear we have a date today,” I whispered softly, forcing his eyes back up to mine.

“Um yeah. Get dressed,” he pressed another kiss to my lips before standing up, “do you mind if I take a shower?”

I got up on my knees on my bed in front of him. I was practically the same height as him in that moment and I put my hands on his shoulders, “my house is your house too. You’re my mate, my Cassian. You can use the shower, you can walk through that front door without knocking.”

He smiled, brushing his thumb over my bottom lip before leaning in and kissing me sweetly, “thanks sweetheart. I’ll be right out. Wear something comfortable.”

He went to the bathroom as I walked to my closet and looked at my clothes. I settled on a light dress that I hadn’t worn in a while. I didn’t have to work today, I wanted to look sort of cute at least. So I pulled the dress on and then pulled my hair up into a messy bun. I pulled a few strands out and lets the curls flutter around my face. Then I put a little mascara on. Sure I was trying, but I was only trying because this was Cassian.

I knew he liked me even if I didn’t try.

My face still looked flushed without blush. I looked like a stranger, like a better version of myself. I smiled at my reflection and then the door opened and Cassian came back in. He was wearing the same pants, his shirt was in his hands. My eyes were wide, I had seen him shirtless before, but not at this age. My mouth watered. He looked even better than before his shower. His long hair was wet and it hung loose around his face. A few drops of water ran down his chest.

My eyes followed it, swirling around his tattoo. His chest moved with each breath he took and I couldn't help but notice him watching me check him out. I blushed, breaking my gaze as he pulled the black shirt back over his head.

He took a step forward, “don’t worry sweetheart,” he whispered softly, his fingers hooking under my chin, forcing me to look at him, “I check you out all the time too.”

I laughed, shaking my head, “so what do you have planned for us?”

“Well first, a picnic in one of our old favorite places.”

I clapped my hands together, “perfect because I’m starving. Lead the way boyfriend.”

He stopped, his eyes wide, “wait. Is this official then? I’m your boyfriend?”

“Well I mean. Everyone would puke if we called each other soul mates, or mates. So I’ll settle for boyfriend for the public, but behind closed doors. You’re just mine,” I grabbed his hand as he laughed, his lips brushing against the top of my head. 
“I’ll take it,” he answered sighing happily as he grabbed the basket sitting on the counter and then we made our way out towards his car. I took in a deep breath and I refused to let him go as he drove with his hand on my knee. I had my arm wrapped around his, just feeling our hearts beating together. It was perfect, me and him and nothing else. No supernaturals, no shadows, no curses. Just Nesta and Cassian together again.

I gasped as the field came into view, “oh my gosh Cassian,” the lake was right there, I hadn’t come here in so long. I shook my head feeling like a little girl again, “I haven’t been here since you left.”

He parked near the edge of the grass and looked at me, “good. It’s still our spot then. I thought you’d like this. You always loved coming here when we were younger.”

We both got out of the car at the same time and I took off running. He set the basket down and chased me towards the sand. I realized in that moment, as he ran after me, laughing loudly, before his arms wrapped around me, the lake water hitting my toes, that this was exactly like the vision that had crossed my mind when we touched. My first vision that came true.

Which mean one day I’d be wearing red and waiting for him at the end of an aisle.

“Yes,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to my neck, “your visions will come true before mine. Because you saw things that will be happening earlier than mine. Because your body knew what your mind could handle.”

I spun around in his arms, “I like this vision,” I whispered softly as my feet got covered in sand. He smiled brightly as he kept staring down at me, “I like you, Cassian. A lot.”

“I like you too,” he whispered softly. Then my stomach growled, ruining our cute moment. I laughed, Cassian grabbing my waist, “you can just tell me you’re hungry, sweetheart. No need to growl.”

I giggled, but stopped him before he could pull us away from the water. I pulled my phone out of the pocket in my dress and held it up, “I want a picture,” I said softly as I held it out and snapped us in front of the water. When I flipped the phone around, Cassian was staring at me, not the phone. I smiled, automatically saving it.

He kissed my cheek, “let’s go get, pretty girl.”

Cassian ran back and grabbed the basket, setting up the blanket and then we settled in. He had an array of food and it took me less than five minutes to finish the first plate he had put together for me. As we ate we talked. I told him about Feyre and Tamlin in more detail than the other night. I told him about working at Rita’s and I told him about the failed date I went on with Tomas.

I told him how everyone thought Lucien abused Tomas’s mother, but clearly that wasn’t true. Since Lucien was never anything but nice to me. Cassian shrugged, sticking a grape in his mouth.

“My mom said Lucien had anger problems when they were younger. So those rumors are most likely true. He did get help though, so he’s a lot better now. Which I’m glad because if he even yelled at you I wouldn’t be able to handle it.”

I smiled slightly, taking another bite of my sandwich, “I wouldn’t let Elain date Grayson either. He was heartbroken, but I think she was happy I stopped that. She never seemed to like him anyways, but he was a lot like Tomas. He liked to try and demand her attention.”

Cassian nodded, “Grayson is Tomas’s half brother, so I’m sure they’re a lot alike. I’m sorry he’s making this hard on us, we’re supposed to be having fun at this stage, at least that’s what my dad and Olivia told me yesterday at the gathering. We’re supposed to be having the time of our lives getting to know each other and falling for our mate. But Tomas is making that hard.”

“So is whatever this curse is,” I muttered as I finished my sandwich and then Cassian gave me some of the macaroni salad he brought. It was homemade, of course, because Cassian didn’t know how to buy anything from the store except for ingredients.

“Yeah well, we’ll figure that out. But today is about you and me.”

I smiled around my food as he started to tell me about his first set of foster brothers. They were rowdy and sounded terrible. They shoved his head into a toilet the first day he was there. He told me how the second house he had a foster sister and she reminded him of me and it was easier. But then the little brother starting terrorizing him and he moved on from that one within a month.

He moved so much I couldn’t believe he finished school. I couldn’t believe he learned to cook and to be this man who sat in front of me. He never had parents, he had taken care of himself. We were more alike than I realized as he spoke. I finished my third plate of food and refused more when he offered it after finishing his story.

"Can you be our only cook from now on?" I asked as I leaned against him, full and satisfied from the lunch he had packed up. He had made an amazing dinner last night and now our lunch had been a feast. I felt inadequate, I had never made a dinner for my sisters as nice as this lunch.

Cassian laughed, his fingers running through my hair, "I will make you dinner for the rest of our lives if you want."

I played with his hand, "I'm a terrible cook. Maybe you can teach me."

He leaned down and kissed me, "but if I teach you then what do I have to hold over you?"

I giggled, "I have a few things I can hold over you," I raised an eyebrow, his fingers running lightly up and down my thigh.

"Point taken."

He pressed his lips to mine. I couldn't get enough of him. Kissing him was like breathing in the purest air. Like finding myself after the longest night. My body was flying, my heart beat didn't stutter. I leaned up to take more of him in. I was drowning and he was the air I needed to breathe. The lifeboat that would finally save me.

But Cassian pulled away before I could wrap myself around him, "slow Nesta," he was out of breath, "if you keep doing that I'll break right here and take advantage of you in the middle of our field."

"And that would be a bad thing?"

Cassian blushed, his crooked smile was beautiful. I sighed, knowing he was right. I sat up as he turned towards the picnic basket and starting looking through it. My eyes went to the bracelet in his wrist and I couldn't help but smile. He was still wearing it. He still wanted a piece of me with him.

"Of course I do," he looked up at me stopping his movements.

"Sometimes I think whatever this is is going to break, or fade. Or one day you'll wake up and stop caring about me. Or you'll imprint with someone else, someone better than me. It scares me."

Cassian leaned in and kissed my nose, "it will never break. But if it did, if the bond was gone tomorrow, I would still feel this way for you. It only intensified my feelings, it didn't make them come to be. I promise you Nesta, you're it for me."

I touched his cheek, pressing my fingers against his warm skin, "you always know the perfect thing to say."

His eyes sparkled as he looked down at the basket and then back up at me.

"I like this. You and me. Nothing supernatural," I said happily against him, "tell me about your travels. Where have you been? What have you seen?”

He sighed. "I um. I went to Texas and California first. Made my way through Memphis and a few states that were flat and not worth seeing. I've been through a lot of places, just sort of looking for something. Something that's been here all along," he smiled down at me, his fingers brushing my neck.

"Did you miss me?"

"Every single day," he whispered softly, "you were the only friend I wanted. The only friend I needed. I cried when they wouldn't let me call you the first night I was there. They told me a clean break was what we both needed."

Tears filled my eyes, "I always had this dream that you'd come back to me. And here we are," I laughed slightly, "its crazy. To realize I've been waiting for you.”

“One day I’ll take you to all the places I’ve seen,” he whispered softly, kissing my temple.

Cassian got quiet then, my fingers running over the bracelet of mine he wore. He looked like he was working something out. What I wouldn't give to be able to read him the way he read me. I sighed as he offered me a small smile at that thought.

"Hey I left something in the car I'll be right back," he kissed my cheek and I watched him walk back the way we came. The field was exactly how I remembered it. But it was even better because Cassian was back here with me.

I hadn't come back here after he left. It was our field not mine and it felt wrong to come here when he had been taken away. Fifteen years in this small town and I avoided this field. I never walked too close, I never lingered for more than a minute. Because the memories of little Nesta and Cassian laughing their days away always hurt me the most.

It felt nice to be back. To be here and feel free.

I sat down, laying back on the blanket and soaking up the sun. I couldn't believe that Cassian was here, that this was finally our time to find each other. I never knew this was what I wanted, what I had been waiting for. It didn't matter that I had taken care of my sisters and never had a real boyfriend. Because I didn't want anyone but him. I had been waiting for my best friend.

A shadow crossed my vision. I opened my eyes, wincing at the sun that hit me when the shadow moved.

"Cass? You're back already?" I asked sitting up on the blanket. Something seemed off but I wasn't sure what.

He reached out and touched me, "I told you I'd be fast."

Before I could even look into his eyes his mouth covered mine. I gasped as he pushed me back, his hands going towards my dress. These weren't the kisses we had shared ever since yesterday. This wasn't the kiss we had just shared, hot and heavy. This was different. It wasn't soothing and full of the feelings it had been. It was cold and he scared me as he hovered over me.

"Cass," I tried to push on his chest but he wouldn't move. He was rock solid and I couldn't feel his intention. Something was off, maybe the imprint had faded. My heart was going crazy and he didn't seem to care.

His mouth moved to my neck, "mhmm Nesta."

"Cassian stop. Please just," I couldn't get air in. His hand pinched my thigh and I clenched them together. Tears were in my eyes and the world started to lost focus. Something was really wrong. My lungs burned.

"Nesta?" I heard his voice from far away. I opened my eyes and it wasn't Cassian kissing me. He was black as night, his skin was charred. His mouth was filled with teeth sharper than mine. I gasped as he touched me again. My skin burned even more as whatever this thing was smiled as me, his lips dripping with saliva.

I screamed. I pushed him away, a few scratches marked my skin. I jumped to my feet, my legs barely supporting me. My head was spinning as the thing laughed, Cassian caught me before I fell.

"What.. what is that?" I asked as he held me tightly against him. I felt myself relax slightly against him. But it wasn't the way it had felt lately, he wasn't calming me entirely.

"A shadow," he put me behind him as the disgusting black creature stood there watching us, "I should kill you for touching her."

"You wouldn't even know how little boy," his deep voice went right through me. My body felt cold, my stomach rolled as it looked at me. I started shaking.

"Cassian," I put my hand on his forearm and felt my stomach roll again, "something is wrong."

He felt it to. His body didn't heal me, I was hit all over and my hands shook. I felt like I was in withdrawal again, except he couldn't help me. I closed my eyes and the lunch we just had came back up. I turned away from him and got sick in the bushes.

"What did you do to her?" He growled the question as I fell to my knees. My hair stuck to my neck before Cassian pulled it back.

"Don't worry she'll survive," he shrugged and then started to fade, "this isn't the last you've seen of me. Oh precious ones."

The creature was gone and I couldn't find the strength to care. I closed my eyes, my body was shutting down. It's like I had been drinking for the last eight hours. The world was spinning, my body went from cold to hot and flushed within seconds. I thought I was going to be sick again.

"Nesta? Sweetheart can you hear me?" Cassian touched my shoulder and winced. I was burning a fever even I could feel it, "Nesta. Shit I have to get you home."

I opened my eyes and looked at him, "Cass. I have no home," I leaned against him, "you're my home."

He smiled before I stumbled into his arms, "I don't know what's wrong. I'm not healing you. I have to take you to uncle Luc's. Can you walk?"

I nodded. But I took one step and the world tilted and turned black. I shook my head, leaning on my mate, "just want to lay down."

"No sweetheart. Stay with me," he grabbed my legs and lifted me into his arms. He carried me against his chest towards the car. He didn't even come back for the stuff. He drove us right to his uncle's house, his hand touching me the entire time.

"Mmhm Cass." I leaned into him, feeling my body shutting down, "he tricked me. Thought he was you."

"I know, love. I know."

I giggled, "I like when you call me give me nicknames. Like sweetheart."

He laughed again, "I know sweetheart," the car stopped moving, "I'm going to carry you in now okay?"

"Don't leave," I whispered, my heart going crazy. I couldn't feel the imprint. I couldn't be sure how he actually felt for me. Did he really care as much without this supernatural pull holding us together?

"Nes. I will always care about you," he pushed my hair out of my face. He pressed his palm against my forehead and winced, "shit you're burning up.”

I shivered, “I’m cold, Cass.”

He ran around the car and unbuckled me. He lifted me out easily, God he was so good looking with those muscles. He laughed slightly and I didn't realize I might have said the words out loud. I laid my head on his chest and I felt him wince again. I was hot, I was sweating. I wasn't easy to carry I'm sure.

"Uncle Lucien!" Cassian yelled out for him once we got in the door.

"Cassian. Oh son," his voice sounded even further away as I felt the soft couch come in contact with my back. I moaned as he moved me, my body felt so fragile. I reached for Cassian before he could pull away, "what happened?"

"A shadow pretended to be me and kissed her. She threw up and she's burning. I don't know what's wrong but I can't heal her."

Cassian sounded distraught. If I were fully aware of myself I would've pulled him into me and kissed him. But I couldn't. I could only shake, I could only hope the feeling of wanting to puke again would pass. Still I found his hand and I laced my fingers through his.

"He poisoned her. How long were they touching?"

"She thought he was me. Maybe five minutes? I went to the car to get something and I came back and there was this black creature with her and I freaked."

Lucien sighed, "his skin is poison. If he touched her that long I'm not sure what will happen. She's strong but his poison is stronger. Stay with her, do not stop touching her. I'll get your father."

I wiggled slightly, my head searching for Cassian's lap. Once I was settled I winced, "Cass," I whispered his name, “I’m still cold. What’s happening to me?”

“I don’t know, sweetheart. But I’m here. I'm not going anywhere." He ran his fingers through my hair and hissed at the heat of my fever.

My body was shutting down. I felt like I wasn’t going to make it through the pain, my body was on fire. I couldn’t stop the words before they fell out of my mouth, "I love you."

I heard his intake of breath, a small gasp that escaped his throat. I couldn’t feel his heart, but I had a feeling it jumped inside his chest. My eyes were closed, I couldn’t see his face either. It didn’t matter though, the moment had come and gone. Because I didn’t get to hear his response, I couldn't hold on. I slipped into the darkness where the pain and poison couldn't follow.

[tessalivesandbreathesbooks]

What’s wrong?” “Nothing.” He stalked past me to the ring. “Is it Nesta?” “Not everything in my life is about your sister, you know.” I kept my mouth shut on that front. “Is it something with the Court of Nightmares visit tomorrow?” Cassian shucked off his shirt, revealing rippling muscles covered in beautiful, intricate tattoos. Illyrian markings for luck and glory. “It’s nothing. Get into position.” I obeyed, even as I eyed him carefully. “You’re … angry.” He refused to speak until I started my circuit of warm-ups: various lunges, kicks, and stretches designed to loosen my muscles. And only when we’d begun sparring, his hands wrapped against my onslaught of punching, did he say, “You and Rhys hid the truth from us. And we went into Hybern blind about it.” “About what?” “That you’re High Lady.” I jabbed at his raised hands in a one-two combination, breathing hard. “What difference would it have made?” “It would have changed everything. None of it would have gone down like that.” “Perhaps that’s why Rhys decided to keep it a secret.” “Hybern was a disaster.” I halted my punching. “You knew I was his mate when we went. I don’t see how being High Lady alters anything.” “It does.” I put my hands on my hips, ignoring his motion to continue. “Why?” Cassian dragged a hand through his hair. “Because … because as his mate, you were still … his to protect. Oh, don’t get that look. He’s yours to protect, too. I would have laid my life down for you as his mate - and as your friend. But you were still … his.” “And as High Lady?” Cassian loosed a rough breath. “As High Lady, you are mine. And Azriel’s, and Mor’s and Amren’s. You belong to all of us, and we belong to you. We would not have … put you in so much danger.” “Maybe that’s why Rhys wanted to keep it a secret. It would have changed your focus.” “This is between you and me. And trust me, Rhys and I had … words about this.” I lifted a brow. “You’re mad at me?” He shook his head, eyes shuttering. “Cassian.” He just held up his hands in a silent order to continue. I sighed and began again. It was only after I’d gotten through fifteen repetitions and was panting heavily that Cassian said, “You didn’t think you were essential. You saved our asses, yes, but … you didn’t think you were essential here.” One-two, one-two, one-two. “I’m not.” He opened his mouth, but I charged ahead, speaking around my gasps for breath. “You all have a … duty - you’re all vital. Yes, I have my own abilities, but … You and Azriel were hurt, my sisters were … you know what happened to them. I did what I could to get us out. I’d rather it was me than any of you. I couldn’t have lived with the alternative.” His upraised hands were unfaltering as I pummeled them. “Anything could have happened to you at the Spring Court.” I stopped again. “If Rhys isn’t grilling me with the overprotective bullshit, then I don’t see why you -” “Don’t for one moment think that Rhys wasn’t beside himself with worry. Oh, he seems collected enough, Feyre, but I know him. And every moment you were gone, he was in a panic. Yes, he knew - we knew - you could handle yourself. But it doesn’t stop us from worrying.” I shook out my sore hands, then rubbed my already-aching arms. “You were mad at him, too.” “If I hadn’t been healing, I would have kicked his ass from one end of Velaris to the other.” I didn’t reply. “We were all terrified for you.” “I managed just fine.” “Of course you did. We knew you would. But …” Cassian crossed his arms. “Rhys pulled the same shit fifty years ago. When he went to that damned party Amarantha threw.” Oh. Oh. “I’ll never forget it, you know,” he said, blowing out a breath. “The moment when he spoke to us all, mind to mind. When I realized what was happening, and that … he’d saved us. Trapped us here and tied our hands, but …” He scratched at his temple. “It went quiet - in my head. In a way it hadn’t been before. Not since …” Cassian squinted at the cloudless sky. “Even with utter hell unleashing here, across our territory, I just went … quiet.” He tapped the side of his head with a finger, and frowned. “After Hybern, the healer kept me asleep while she worked on my wings. So when I woke up two weeks later … that’s when I heard. And when Mor told me what happened to you … It went quiet again.” I swallowed against the constriction of my throat. “You found me when I needed you most, Cassian.” “Pleased to be of service.” He gave me a grim smile. “You can rely on us, you know. Both of you. He’s inclined to do everything himself - to give everything of himself. He can’t stand to let anyone else offer up anything.” That smile faded. “Neither can you.” “And you can?” “It’s not easy, but yes. I’m general of his armies. Part of that includes knowing how to delegate. I’ve been with Rhys for over five hundred years and he still tries to do everything himself. Still thinks it’s not enough.” I knew that - too well. And the thought of Rhys, in this war, trying to take on all that faced us … Nausea churned in my gut. “He gives orders all the time.” “Yes. And he’s good at knowing what we excel at. But when it comes down to it …” Cassian adjusted the wrappings on his hands. “If the High Lords and Keir don’t step up, he’ll still face Hybern. And will take the brunt of it so we don’t have to.

A Court of Wings and Ruin by Sarah J. Maas

[hellas-himself]

@sorry-im-an-aries​ asked for a Mob Au. And I PROMISE I am not abandoning my fics, but I welcomed the mental break from everything else. It probably doesn’t make sense, but when I’m working on a bunch of stuff at once, I can focus better? Anyway. This was super fun and it’ll probably be a few chapters long (because why not). With my kid back to school, I’ll probably be able to going back to updating stuff frequently. Y’all know how terrible I am at titles so it’s free game if anyone wants to name it lol

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The Present

I did this for you...

 The first gun shot made me jump, and I hoped to god no one noticed. To my luck, everyone- even Luce- was focused on Tamlin and the lifeless body on the floor. 

 I did this...

 The second gunshot forced me to stand up a little straighter, schooling my features into that of cool indifference. They looked up to Tam for his strength, his fearlessness. If I wanted to keep my place at his side, I had to be just as strong. Just as fearless. 

I…

The third gunshot sounded and I was no longer in the abandoned warehouse, but in a mansion in the suburbs. Overturned tables and broken glass. Two dead at my feet, my gun pointed at her even as she laughed and called me nobody. Worthless. And maybe she was right. But it was her or Tamlin. 

 Bronn and Hart were ordered to get rid of the bodies, the sound bringing me back to the present. Before I could speak Tamlin was already telling Lucien to take me home. As Luce placed a hand to the small of my back, I turned to find Tamlin leading Ianthe out another way. Once, this would have broken me. I would have made a scene. But I knew better now. 

 Lucien was quiet on the drive home, but I noticed him looking back at me through the mirror. It was silly to look for decency in a world of mobsters and crooked men. But Lucien was decent. 

“Hey, are you alright?” he asked quietly. 

“I just want to go to sleep,” I replied. A blatant lie, one I used far too often. But Lucien had been there, he knew what I had done just to keep Tamlin safe. Lucien said nothing else until he parked the car outside of the house. Two guards stood out front and greeted us before Lucien unlocked the door. We walked inside. I started to go up the stairs and stopped when Lucien called my name.

 “He just wants to keep you safe,” he said and I scoffed.

 “Yeah, the way he’s keeping Ianthe safe every night.”

 “It’s not like that.”

 “He wouldn’t have you defending him if it wasn’t.”

 I continued on and I made my way upstairs to my room. Because Tamlin still refused to share his with me. But that didn’t matter anymore. 

 I pulled my jacket off and tossed it on the dresser. I took my time untying the laces of my boots, the buttons of my shirt. Tamlin didn’t come to my room anymore, and that was alright. It didn’t matter anymore, either. 

 “You’re slacking,” I said in a teasing voice as I heard my bedroom door open and close. The lock click. I looked at Lucien through the mirror, my heart near aching at the way he smiled at me. 

 “That was quite the performance,” Lucien said and I rolled my eyes.

 “You forgot to promise to talk to him on my behalf,” I said in jest.

“Well, Tamlin isn’t coming home tonight and he asked me to make sure you didn’t notice.”

I laughed, a sound reserved solely for him. For him and-

 “Rhys called,” Lucien said as he approached me, placing his hands on my shoulders. “It’s as if he knew, somehow, that tonight had been… trying.” 

“How? When?” 

“Just right after Tamlin hung up on me. Don’t worry, we were both careful.”

 I nodded, unable to fight the tears that stung my eyes. Lucien’s hands trailed down the sides of my arms until he held my hands. 

 “Soon,” he whispered. “I promise.”

He kissed away the tears, a gesture that reminded me so much of Rhys I wasted no time in guiding Lucien towards the bed. 

 “Come on. You have to make sure I don’t notice Tamlin isn’t home,” I teased.

“I can think of a few things,” Lucien said, pulling me into his arms. 

 ***

 One Year Ago 

 I hated closing the bar and having to walk home alone at night. Truth be told, it didn’t matter what time of day it was. This godforsaken town was a nightmare. It was full of naïve man children who liked to play at mafia, as if the great families of Prythian would resort to robbing old ladies in pure daylight, breaking into peoples’ cars and coming to the bar every night to get shit faced and talk about all the stupid things they did. But it was enough for me to keep a knife on me everywhere I went.

 I fumbled with the keys to the house, cursing the outside light that had blown out once again. I lived here long enough to know all that could go wrong in the dark. I reminded myself that I would get paid on Thursday and if I didn’t buy any coffee this week, I could get a new lightbulb and that set of paints I saw at the store. 

 All the lights were off save for the television my father was asleep in front of, his TV dinner mostly untouched. His medicine still where I’d left it before I went to work. A noise from upstairs made me roll my eyes- Elain probably had Grayson over which meant Nesta wasn’t home. With our shared bedroom occupied, I put my wallet and keys in the pantry closet, a habit I picked up after one of our dad’s friends went through my purse and helped himself to all he found. 

I shut off the tv and dropped myself unceremoniously on the sofa and closed my eyes… and was startled awake by someone banging on our front door. My dad was yelling for me to answer it and with a mumbled curse I got up. 

“I swear to god, Nesta-” I began but froze when I was met with green eyes, not icy blue. The man outside my door seemed surprised to see me as well but quickly scowled. Great. He practically shoved me aside as he stormed into my house, shouting my father’s name. 

“Hey, what the hell are you doing?” I snapped, following after him. I had to fight the urge to cry when my dad told me to shut up. 

 “I had another month,” my dad said to the man who had reached behind his back.

“A month for what?” I asked and my dad made to speak but the man stopped him.

“Your dad owes me money. Lots of it.”

“How?” I asked. “I’m responsible for everything here. And I don’t remember asking you for shit.”

 The man chuckled and I wanted to smack that smirk off his face. He was far too sure of himself to be another boy playing make believe. He dressed too fine to even be from this part of town.

 “When your father gambled everything away, how do you think he moved you all to this lovely little apartment?”

The tone in his voice made me look at my dad who was in tears. How long had he been doing this? I wanted to strangle him, I wanted to scream but then there was a gun pointed at his face and without thinking I was standing in front of it, arms outstretched. 

 “If you kill him, how are you getting your money back?”

“There are three of you. I’ll make it happen.”

 “Nesta would slit your throat first,” I said and he laughed. 

 “Feyre, you don’t know who you’re talking to,” my dad said but I paid him no mind.

 “Feisty, are we?” the man asked, as if my father weren’t even there.

 “How much?” I asked and he raised a brow. “How much does he owe you?” 

 He stepped forward, pressing the gun to my chest. 

“Far too much for a barmaid to pay back.”

“So let me work for you,” I blurted out. 

“What?” 

“I can’t pay you with the job I currently have. Let me work for you. Pay off his debts and I’ll make sure he never asks you for another goddamn thing.”

 “Feyre-” my father began but I turned to look at him.

 “You’ve done enough,” I said. “This is the last mess I clean up for you.”

When I turned back around, Elain and Grayson were standing at the foot of the stairs. She was crying and he had an arm around her. 

 “How can I trust you? You could all disappear in the night?” the man said, and I dared to put my hand over his.

 “My sisters are more important than saving my own skin,” I replied, even though I knew if roles were reversed, our father would be dead. My sisters would have run.

 No one would fight for me.

 “Then you’re coming with me,” he said.

 “Where?”

 “Where I can make sure you stay true to your word.”

 “You’ll leave my family alone?”

 “Yes.”

 “Fine.”

 When my sister began to protest, the man stepped back and I let out a sigh of relief. 

“Get your shit.” 

 Up in our room, Elain was begging me to reconsider, to let her go instead. I grabbed my bag and put my wallet and phone in and what little clothes I had. 

 “Nesta needs this,” I said as I walked to the dresser and pushed it back. I knelt down and lifted the wooden panel, retrieving the envelope full of money. “Give this to her. Don’t tell dad you have it.”

“Fey…”

“I’m doing exactly what I’ve been doing since mom died. Where I lay my head at night doesn’t change that.”

 I gave her a hug and hurried back downstairs to where the man waited. The gun was no longer in sight despite my father on the floor kneeling, begging. Grayson seemed to have left. 

“That’s it?” the man asked. 

 “That’s it.”

 I looked down at my dad and sighed.

“Clean up before Nesta gets here. She’s got exams this week and doesn’t need any more stress.”

The green eyed man opened the door and I followed him out. I said nothing as he led me away and towards a black car. When he opened the door for me, I didn’t move.

 “Having second thoughts?” he asked with a knowing smile.

“You seem to know every goddamn thing about us. I think I should know who you are before I get in the car… even if I’m going to end up in a ditch by the end of the night.”

 He laughed, running a hand through his long, blonde hair.

“Tamlin,” he said as he held out a hand. “Tamlin Moran.”

Moran… 

“You’re Wes Moran’s son.”

“So you do know me.”

I shook his hand, ignoring him. Tamlin helped me into his car and I wondered just how much shit I’d just put myself in. The Moran’s were one of the oldest, most powerful families in Prythian. And now I was working for them.