#yes I realize that's an 11 day span

[wannawritefast]

Comfortember 2023 Day 6: “Notes”

A/N: My sporadic contribution to Comfortember. It’s short but Johnny Cage bbs come get y’all juice. It’s my birth month and I’m closing in on the end of my semester so I can’t promise anything but please enjoy!!

Pairing: Johnny Cage x Reader

Warnings: none, fluff :)

Notes. Johnny left them everywhere. Don’t get him wrong. He definitely preferred the convenience of using his phone to send you little memos. It was instant and Johnny could really accommodate his own attention span by using his phone but when he found out on accident how much you loved them, he made a point of it.

You both still remembered the first of its kind.

A pink sticky note on the back of your script that said “And it was all a dream!” with the most hastily-drawn smiley face ever.

You laughed when you saw it. It was a miracle that it hadn’t become a casualty to the rough handling of your scripts before you discovered it.

He had to have done it when you were putting your post-its in your script, marking it up the night before. You hadn’t thought much of the clumsy kiss he gave you when he checked in as the sun went down. Then again you hadn’t been paying that close attention to him or anything else for that matter. A glass of water. A “How’s it going, baby?” A stumble and a peck. And his leg and hand knocking right into the back of the thick stack of 8.5 by 11 copy paper in your grasp as he had moved to sit next to you.

The bump into the script in your hand had been completely intentional, you realized with delight at the table read. It made your Instagram story in seconds accompanied by the words ‘original illustration by @johnny.cage’ and some pink hearts in the top right corner.

That had sealed it.

The next one you found was in your purse. Well, not your purse exactly. It was in the compact in your purse. Blue. “Hey, good-lookin.’” A winky face. It had fluttered out as you were landing out of the country for a shoot. You still had your neck pillow on. You sent Johnny one of the ugliest selfies you had ever taken with it. Against your protests, it became his lock screen photo.

Then they truly popped up everywhere. Your boyfriend was relentless.

A set of expensive rings you’d stared at a little too long on Rodeo. Purple sticky note. “For my precious.” A noble but indecent-looking stick figure attempt at Gollum was near it, partially scribbled out.

Surprise coffee in your trailer. Yellow note. Sunshine with sunglasses.

New boots, courtesy of Johnny. Pink. “Step on me in these.”

Sleeping in while he had left at the crack of dawn. Pink. “Busy all day. Sushi at our regular spot for dinner.” Heart.

Almost all of them made your Instagram story. The dick that looked like it had been drawn by a middle school boy on a blue sticky note slapped to the bathroom mirror, for example, hadn’t made the cut. The ones that did though… Johnny reposted each within 5 minutes, no matter what time it was.

Like the orange sticky note you woke up to under your glasses that said ‘Jinkies!’ You had gone to bed and left them on your nightstand at 4 am. Johnny had stayed up with you. He had left at 6 am for the day. It made you worry about his sleep schedule.

It didn’t matter that you couldn’t keep up with his god-like speed in making unique sticky notes. You posted them. And you kept and remembered all of them. All of them. Yes, even the blue doodle dick.

Again, Johnny definitely preferred sending you texts and voice memos as soon as he felt like you were forgetting how hot you were, which was usually several times a day. It should also be noted that the sticky notes never detracted from the amount of attention he was already giving you. Johnny was a beast at reminding you how much he loved you.

As he had said it once: “There’s no threshold, baby. I’ll die telling you how sexy your walker is; the last sticky note I ever leave you will tell you the same thing.”

He slapped one on your ass after he had said that. Yellow. “Johnny Cage wuz here.”

[therentyoupay]

just want to quickly tell you that i really admire your dedication in completing your 'at the center' fiction, which is WOW, absolutely commendable!! ( and expanding other drabbles as well??? i'm blown away ).

although we've only been following each other recently, i hope to be like you someday and have the motivation to keep posting updates for my fics no matter how long it takes 🥹 okay that's all and have a very nice day!!

thank you!! 😭😭😭😭🙏🙏💖💖💖💖 so much!!! for your sweet comments and for the encouragement and for dropping by to leave a message 😭😭💖💖💖💖💖🙏🙏🙏🙏 I HOPE YOU, TOO, HAVE A VERY NICE DAY ✨

and i'd like to also take a moment to say a few words about (✨forging, fostering✨) the motivation to keep posting updates for fics (no matter how long it takes!!!!), but first, i'd also like to very briefly share with you two of my all-time favorite fanfiction WIPs (one is ongoing 20+ years, and the other is 10+) to help contextualize my response:

#1. ————

More Than Human (Words: 332,245 | Complete: No) by sbj "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." - Camus {High School AU!RrB/PpG}

FIRST PUBLISHED: January 31, 2009

LAST UPDATED: June 18, 2019

As of January 7, 2024, the chapter updates span 10 years, 4 months, and 21 days

#2. ————

Re-Entry (Words: 568,178 | Works: 22 | Complete: Yes) and Re-Entry: Journey of the Whills (Words: 923,940 | Works: 59 | Complete: No) Obi-Wan Kenobi, while still a young Padawan, suffers an injury and wakes up with all of the memories, experience, training, and Force-strength of Old Ben Kenobi. {Time Travel AU!Star Wars Re-Write} by flamethrower

FIRST PUBLISHED: October 1, 2002

LAST UPDATED: December 30, 2022

As of January 7, 2024, the chapter updates span 20 years, 3 months, and 6 days

————

these WIPs are only two examples! tons of my favorite stories have spanned multiple years of progress!

mine! ————

at the center (Words: 395,094 | Complete: No) by @therentyoupay Legends and fairy tales, magic and myths, and—at the center of it all—a story of a young, future-Queen and her young, ageless-Guardian; a girl cursed with fear and a god frozen in time, and all of the reasons why seeing isn't always at the heart of believing. {Guardian AU!Jelsa}

FIRST PUBLISHED: January 17, 2014

LAST UPDATED: January 2, 2024

As of January 7, 2024, the chapter updates span 9 years, 11 months, and 22 days (happy almost 10th anniversary!! ✨)

thoughts & feelings! ————

everyone writes at their own pace, in their own time, with the best resources they have, according to whatever life stage(s) they are at 💕

~most readers generally express gratitude and understanding and patience! fandom culture (across fandoms) shifts and changes all the time, so while there are times in fandom (generally) in which the ✨entitled expectation✨ is for fic authors to "WRITE FAST, PUBLISH OFTEN," there are also times in which readers go out of their way to share beautifully encouraging messages like "even if you never update again, i am so grateful for what you have given us (so far)!" and "i will wait for this story to update for the rest of my life, and i will be happy with an update no matter how long it takes" and, often—both messages at the same time. 💖

a good skill to develop is the mental strength to withstand the not-so-nice messages while absorbing the positivity of the lovely ones! i don't post or respond to the really nasty anons i sometimes receive 👀 like the ones that accuse me of having "abandoned nearly all [my] fics"—i personally delete them immediately! anons like that do not deserve someone else's ✨energy✨. (for the first time—i think, ever?—i did post someone's confusing? rude? anon the other day [i.e., i am a hoarder who creates suffering by withholding fic updates?? i think??], but i attribute that choice to publicly post [my reaction gif to that anon] to my current Life Stage™ and my hard-earned self-confidence in the knowledge that I Can Do Hard Things. ✨ my development of that muscle has come from finishing other long-progress fanfics, and, to be honest, Real Life Milestones like going to grad school [twice] and Doing a Dissertation ✨). all in all, the motivation to keep updating is really, at its core, about having the will and the time and the mental energy and the passion to dedicate time to something that you really want to do, even through all the obstacles and nonsense, which takes mental (and emotional) strength! 💖 develop and fortify your mental fortitude! 💖💖💖💖 it's a lifelong process! ✨

and lastly, and most importantly, in my opinion... regardless of whether or not you think any potential readers might be out there (chances are there WILL BE, but that's not the point!!!), just keep writing... and write what you want, and write for yourself! whether you update in two days, or ten years, or twenty-two—do it, anyway!! 💖💖💖💖💖

LOVE YOU, THANK YOU, GOOD LUCK 💖✨ (and keep me posted lol)

[raven-nerd4life]

you wanna know how how God damn indecisive I am?!

aka my lgbtq journey

So when I was 11, I never heard of girls dating other girls, But after making 1 friend at a new school, I was like "oh shit I think I like this girl". She rejected me and I was friendless

So I thought I was bi, but didn't feel to much attraction to boys so I went from bi to lesbian.

THEN only a few months later i moved, I still didn't feel right so I went from she/her to she/they. Cause I thought I might feel better, then to just they /them. That's also when I decided I was pansexual.

BUT, I still didn't feel right so I changed to he/they. That lasted 2 months. AND ONLY AFTER 7TH GRADE I REALIZED I WAS JUST QUEER, and don't really care like, pan, bi, gay, whatever

Now I'm a boy and just go by he/him, and are queer

so ye to put It simple

bi - she/her

Lesbian - she/her

Lesbian- she/they

Pan - they/them

pan- he/they

IN THE SPAN OF 3 YEARS

And rn I'm just Queer- he/him and will remain till death. (I do question if I'm genderfluid but I dont think so)

My family was so confused on what to call me for 3 years, hahahahahaha.

--------------------------------------------

I also can't spend my money cause I can't decide what to get. So I don't spend it. I also do this with tv shows, so I just don't watch TV that day. I always overthink to the point it gets to complicated to hand and I leave it be

Moral of this random ass story, be indecisive, it'll help save money :))

[ggukkieisintominnie]

JIMIN THE FLIRT

and it negative affect on jikook

A baby army phase is the main reason why alot do not believe in jikook, for various reasons spanning from the abundance of Y/Ns scenarios, armyblinks theories and an unhealthy exposure to tkk. Today however my focus is on the Jimin the flirt image.

I became an official ARMY after MOTS7 meaning I was a baby Army during lockdown so plenty of time to go through every YouTube recommendations. So from compilations videos, to performances, to taekook slow- mo edits -you name it I watched every youtube video a baby army in 2020 had to watch. And with all that comes certain and distinct images painted on every member.

Jimin is the flirt of the group, the womanizer and mostly the one to lure for male gazes. Jimin the one that knows his hot and very much loves the attention they give especially the attention coming from the male audience... once you JIM-IN you can't JIM-OUT (😂)

The video I want to highlight on is the access interview about the members favorite body parts... you know the famous clip on which Jimin lusts real hard for the interviewer that slaps his thighs that he loses concentration -yeah that one.

Time skip to December 2020, now I refer to myself as a well established ARMY and get to watch the jikook mma performance and I'm like wow are they beautiful. So yes after that day it was logical (human nature even) to search more on the pair because prior to that they were just known as Jimin the flirt and Jungkook the not-so willing victim because that how they were branded by ARMY.

So the more I watched, the more I realized that there is something different with the pair however as early as my Jikook honeymoon started it ended on February 2021. I stopped trying to degrees deeper meaning to them because... Jimin is the flirt he does it with everyone.

Fortunately pandora opens up again during Jimin's 2021 birthday live (still soft for that Jimin 🥹). That whole conversation of calling Jungkook over is still by far the most domestically romantic shit I have seen on media. Their interaction made one thing clear -there is more to jikook that meet the eye, they are in love.

So down the rabbit hole I go once again however this time not in search of the pairs perfect synergy on stage but for the pairs magical romantic moments. Funny enough I was expecting to see Tkk slow-mo type of edits but I was presented with a jackpot -GCF Tokyo directed by, edited by and filmed by Jungkook.

I was spooked, shocked and amazed that what I just watched was real and not just a fragment of my imagination. So I binged watched more (observation by a non-shipper.) And read about them extensively. A common timeline is established with the most important date being 08/11/15.

And that makes for the triumphant return of the JIMIN EFFECT videos especially the highlighted one. So I couldn't help but ask myself why in the world would Jimin lust over someone when his boyfriend is sitting right next to him??? and why is he such a flirt if he has been in a relationship all this time.

Questions like that came to mind immediately. However once I return to watch all those videos... I laughed at how stupid I am to make such things rise doubts to jikook being real. By this time I am two year old ARMY and aware that the image painted by ARMYs for baby ARMYs to follow aren't all that factual once you actually establish yourself into the fandom.

So yeah the baby army phase takes away validation of Jikook via high dosage of rubbish.

"Jimin is a flirt, he does it with everyone and Jungkook is just a victim of his flirtatious advances." a baby army just recently told me this, I was about to fight them however I realized I was once there but I saw beyond that... Unfortunately not all get to see how special Jungkook is to Jimin.

[dainesanddaffodils]

I wanna write fic but my Brain doesn't so instead of a full fic I'm just gonna write a long Tumblr post about the thing I wanna write fic about that's... kinda a fic? mix of fic and not fic

soo

AU where Estinien and Cimorene met very briefly as kids.

y'know. pre-Nidhogg.

also pre-calamity so it's not... endless winter in Coerthas. Except it IS still Winter because it's like. Starlight season and it's the alps, so its kinda snowy. And being, y'know, shepherds, Estinien is accompanying his father to go, like, trade some wool in the North Shroud and its probably the first time he's gone because he's like 11-12 now and his father thinks he's old enough to start learning more about The Family Business.

so they're in Fallgourd Float, which is warmer but still kinda snowy because again, foothills of the alps in winter - and they're essentially peddling their wares to folk who don't want to travel all the way into Coerthas for the kind of good quality wool that area has. And it goes pretty well and they make what's considered a decent amount of Gil for a market day and so they plan to stay the night at the town's inn and go back home in the morning.

and just outside the inn there's a cart with a small... not quite crowd gathered around it. And sitting on the back of the cart are two au ra, playing instruments for the handful of people amassed.

which, you know, is kinda fucking rare. rare in Gridania and very rare in Coerthas. and like, rural shepherds boy Estinien has definitely never seen one and only kinda heard of them, and he kinda looks to his dad for 'how do we react to this' guidance.

and Estinien's dad isn't racist because I said so, because I refuse to play into rural and catholic must mean racist. So even though he, too, probably has actually never seen an au ra and definitely not a xaela au ra, he does know that they're not, y'know, dragon-adjacent and so he's just like 'huh. didn't think au ra came this far north'

so Estinien is like 'we're cool. got it.' and moves a little closer because, damn it, he is curious.

There's the au ri man with pale blue skin and white hair - and he's singing a Starlight carol that most people know (because Cimorene's dad was really good at picking up songs from every place they traveled; he also learned Starlight is popular in the Shroud and playing Starlight songs will get more people interested).

Beside him is a young girl that doesn't look like she could be any older than Estinien's baby brother. Her skin is a milky white, her dark mossy hair is braided back, showing off fin-like horns. She's playing a long stringed instrument that looks like its too big for her - but she clearly knows what she's doing. She's focused entirely on playing, unlike her father who is beaming at his audience, exuding warmth and friendliness. It's that, as much as his pleasant voice, that draws Estinien a few steps closer, fully into the amassed crowd.

Then the man picks up a small flute that had sat beside him and begins to play. On cue, the girl takes over singing the next verse.

Her voice is high and clear as a bell - so much so that it's hard for Estinein to fully wrap his mind around the idea that she's making the sound and not another instrument. It's pretty, yes, but almost unnerving. He thinks of folk stories his mom has told him, about sirens in the seas that lure sailors to their deaths. He kinda takes a step back and runs into his dad who has moved up to join him.

They linger until song ends and a couple people drop Gil in a basket the au ri man has gotten out. He thanks each person, even strikes up small conversations with a few who seem more inclined to speak to him. Meanwhile the girl tunes her lute-like instrument with single minded focus that makes her seem older; his brother certainly doesn’t have that attention span.

Estinien doesn’t realize that he’s staring until his father taps him on the shoulder, passing him a Gil.

“Go on; they gave us a show.”

The man is in the middle of a conversation with a miqo’te hunter that doesn’t look like it’s wrapping up anytime soon. Estinien shuffles in place awkwardly, before he finally gets too impatient and walks up to the girl.

“Here,” he says, holding the coin out to her.

She looks up at him, eyes wide. It’s the first time he’s really seen them; a bright yellow that seems to glow in the grey, early evening gloom. She doesn’t take the Gil. She doesn’t say anything.

Her father laughs, not unkindly. “Cimorene, the nice boy wants to give that to us.”

She hesitates a second longer then snatches it out of his hand and scrambles back into the cart, closer to her father.

“Come on, I know I’ve taught you better than that,” he says, shaking his head.

Her pale face darkens. “Thank you,” she mumbles.

Estinien just shrugs; he doesn’t like having this much attention on him. “Can we go inside now?” He asks his father.

It’s his turn to be laughed at. His father exchanges a look with Cimorene’s father that says ‘kids, am I right?’ before he says, “Yes all right. Thank you,” he adds again to the musicians.

“Thank you,” Cimorene’s father echoes. Cimorene is still tucked into his side but she gives them a small smile at last - and Estinien can admit she’s kinda cute (the way adults call his little brother cute; the way newborn lambs are cute).

The au ri musicians are gone in the morning. Ferndale is gone a month later.

Both children forget the encounter entirely.

[louwhose]

20 Questions for fic writers

Thanks @adrift-in-thyme for the tag

I think I've done this before, but considering the date I'll modify all the answers to be strictly for this year

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

22

2. What’s your total ao3 word count?

116,012

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Primarily the Legend of Zelda. In theory also Dwight in Shining Armor, but unfortunately I struggle with grasping the characters when I try to write for them. Will try to be working on it this next year.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

One Little Scare Ought To Do You Some Good

Fake It 'Til You Date It

Link's Lawn Mowing Service

A Princess to Protect

Reading Between the Lines (../.-../---/...-/./-.--/---/..-)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed and decide not too because it's not worth being stressed over. But it's fun to talk with commenters and let them know they're appreciated, so I do it when I can!

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Even Though You're Not Here, without a doubt

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I'll go with Sailing ‘Cross the Ocean. Because that one was just plain fun.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not really

9. Do you write smut?

No

10. Do you write crossovers?

In the form of aus, because characters I like in a different story I also like is fun

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that I know of

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Yes! Sun's heart and Moon's tears with @linktheacehero! And theoretically I may have more one day, if any of my rps ever finish.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Zelink. There are many fictional couples I love, but no other trumps all the interations of Zelink that I've come to love.

15. What’s the wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Several because I have too many ideas and not enough attention span, but here I'll just say my Minish Cap "arranged" marriage AU. I have a whole chapter written for it but am very stuck on the second, and though I love the idea I don't know what will really become of it.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Um. Dialogue? Banter? Not really sure.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Aforementioned lack of attention span. I don't stick with a project -_-

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Cool if you do it. I never will. But my interests are in fantasy, so any other language would just be completely made up anyhow. If I want someone to speak in another language, either they don't understand it and I'll say as much, or they do and I'll just note somehow that it's a different language.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Well. Technically when I was twelve I kind of wrote an atla crossover with a series I liked called Five Kingdoms. But first realizing what I was doing? Miraculous Ladybug

...and since I said this was supposed to be only about this year the first in 2023 was LoZ (now don't everyone act surprised)

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

Ohh... there's plenty even just this year, but I'll say Shink About It, just because it was indulgent and silly and crack-y.

I'll be tagging @linktheacehero, @zeldaelmo, @cooking-with-hailstones @tired-twili

no pressure, and alternately, if anyone else sees this and just wants to jump on board, consider this your invitation to go right ahead and do so!

[thedragonagelesbian]

General 3, 5, and 7; Story 11; Romance 2, 6, and 11

wahhhhhhhhhhh im crying thank you for sending so many questions.......

companion tav asks

General

3. Does your Tav have any comments or advice when you recruit other companions?

On Astarion: These are frightening times for us all, I can understand why Astarion leapt to threats first. With time, hopefully we'll all feel comfortable and safe around one another.

On Gale: You know, I asked Gale to explain that portal thingy he got stuck in. I didn't understand a word of it, but he has such a soothing voice, it was nice to listen to him talk for an hour.

On Wyll: (with a slight swoon animation) What a charming man, that Wyll, I don't know if I've ever met someone so selfless and caring...

On Halsin: Halsin is to travel with us? Wonderful! It gets a little lonely in the wee hours before trancing...

On Shadowheart: Shadowheart will be immensely helpful in the days to come, I'm sure of it, and what a delightful presence too.

On Lae'zel: Lae'zel's dedication is admirable, such intensity... I trust her and her people to help rid us of these parasites.

And there's some extended dialogue for Karlach :)

Narrator: Cyrus appears distracted, bouncing on the balls of his feet and staring off at some distant point in the camp. His attention seems to be fixated on Karlach. Cyrus: Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't... Did you, um, did you need something? PC: Looking at someone? Cyrus: Hm? Ah, yes, I- I suppose I was, I was just thinking... Ten years is such a terribly long time to be alone... [Insight Check DC 10: Success] Narrator: His hand skirts to his side. [if PC has slept with Cyrus] You recall noticing an extensive burn scar there the last time the two of you were intimate. Cyrus, muttering to himself: I could probably take it, for a few seconds at least, long enough to hold her hand or... something. She deserves something.

5. Are there any instances where your Tav can permanently leave the party, depending on player character actions?

The big one is siding with Minthara and attacking the grove (short of, perhaps, an astronomically high deception check to convince him that this is for the best, actually).

I also think Cyrus' personal quest can end with him sacrificing himself and, you know, leaving the party by dying. And even if he lives, depending on the other choices in that quest, Cyrus will gladly volunteer himself to be the one who becomes a mindflayer at the end of Act 3.

7. Do they have their own personal quest that spans the course of the game?  Can it take different branching paths depending on the choices the Player Character makes?

Yes! Beyond the potential evil corruption arc, his quest would revolve around his oath, his inclinations toward martyrdom, and how that warps his self-perception. The main decision points for the PC would involve either reinforcing his view of himself as a tool for protecting others or helping him to see beyond his impulses to sacrifice himself.

Story

11. What do they say if the PC tries to force them to go up on stage with Dribbles the Clown?

"You know, I remember enjoying this more with the other orphans... I think I'll pass."

Romance

2. Does your Tav need to be flirted with to start the romance, or will they approach the PC themselves if approval is high enough?

Cyrus is a bi slut and will absolutely approach the PC first, he doesn't even need all that high approval, times are stressful and he wants to be helpful and useful and make them happy-- in whatever physically intimate way the PC is comfortable with.

If that means sex, there's a DC 20 Insight check to realize that Cyrus is solely preoccupied with the PC's wants and desires rather than his own. So early on in the relationship, he brushes this off really quickly, but depending on how his personal quest goes, you CAN eventually service top him (which as we all know is the gold standard for physical relationships with Cyrus).

A romantic relationship will require higher approval and can be initiated by the PC at the tiefling party, but it isn't necessary. You can stay FWBs with him and still pursue other romances (contingent on other companions being comfortable with that, of course).

6. How do they react to the player character breaking up with them, or choosing another character over them?

Cyrus is quite courteous during the break up, wanting to support the PC's happiness and the happiness of the other character involved (probably even saying something along the lines of them needing/being deserving of the PC's affection more than him). But there's also an insight check to reveal that he's a lot more hurt than he's letting on and is trying to repress it for the PC's sake.

11. What are Tav’s plans for the future?  Do they propose to the PC, or is marriage not something they’re interested in?

In the world in which the game has the post-final fight party of my dreams, a cutscene begins with Cyrus, very clearly absolutely wasted, trying to (platonically) propose to another companion character who is humoring him until you can intercede. Talking to him, Cyrus glumly explains that he's worried about the party splitting up after this, as this is the first real family he's had in a century, and so maybe if he marries everyone, he'll be able to keep them together-- but so far, no one's acquiesced.

You can tease him by suggesting that you know someone who would probably agree. Cyrus Does Not Get It until you get down on one knee and propose to him, and the euphoria on his face as he realizes that you are acting on and manifesting something he wants is unparalleled.

There's a fade to black as he picks you up, swings you around, and tries to serenade you.

[ramblingdisaster73]

Trying to distract myself so to make the wait for next episode go faster but unable to completely shut down my 911ls monkey brain... How long do you think the owen&nazis storyline will span? We know it will be till at least ep6 but will it be the last? Will that storyline be wrapped up by ep8 when supposedly him and tk will talk? Or it will be a season long thing?

Personally I hope it will end soon, I dislike when specific villains drag on for an entire season. And I also would like lighter and funnier stories for Owen, like wedding shenanigans. I'm also hoping to see again his brother Robert, ideally with tk too,but I know I'm probably asking too much on that front.

I am seriously hoping it is all tied up by the end of 4x06 – I am also hoping that we don’t see a lot of it in 4x05 – that the truly focus on the Marjan & Grace storylines for the bulk of that episode.

I kinda think there might be some kind of cliffhanger at the end of 4x05 – to lead us into the end of this Owen is so desperate for friends his age that he almost joined a group of Nazis for a cool new nickname arc (sorry that is pretty much how I refer to it in my head.)

There are some things I really have liked about this arc:

Showed how easy it is for groups to entice new members – Make them feel like they have a place they can belong – but that the groups will do so while they hide their true intentions. *Owen is WANTS friends his own age – he doesn’t tend to look below the surface of people until someone else (in this & a lot of other cases – that is Judd) open his eyes.

Showing how these types of groups want to appeal to & add first responders to their numbers – it gives them a sense of legitimacy in their actions & goals (at least to themselves). – O’Brien being a founder is something that didn’t shock me at all – I said all along he was higher in the hierarchy than we were being shown at first. While he may have gotten out – It's not really easy to leave a criminal organization – even if you are a cop.

BUT – I think it would be great to have an Owen arc where he realizes he CAN’T always be the ‘hero’, the one in the thick of it. Where he doesn’t save the day.

They have this weird obsession with making him this big hero type character – but, they do it in a way that makes him look so incredibly stupid and naïve about how people are. Every time I watch these first 3 episodes, I just think he is more and more stupid.

In 4x02 Owen asked the FBI agent if it was him, that when it came to him making male friends his own age & shit inevitably goes wrong – Is the problem him? I yelled “Yes, it is you.”

He needs to look around him – see that what he is looking for while he fucks shit up with people like O’Brien, Billy, & Red – he already has – just with a guy that is a bit younger (Judd), a woman who is closer in age (Tommy), and the twenty-something that he practically adopted (Mateo).

Owen/Rob absolutely kills the comedic scenes –I love those scenes – the one in 4x02 of him & Tommy in his office makes me tear up from laughing so much. For me, these are his stronger scenes/performances. But they built the character up as this huge hero – a lot from being a 9/11 survivor – that they keep throwing him in these plotlines that have nothing to do with being a fire captain – just a naïve adrenaline junkie – and they keep making them longer and longer.

I understood why they stretched out the ice storm in season 3, there was so much going on – FOR EVERYONE – that they had to stretch it out. But, for season 4, they started with 3 main storylines:

Tommy & Reverend Parks – This was one of the focuses for the 1st two episodes – and will be coming back – this I think is one of the 2 season long arcs – Tommy really moving on after Charles

Carlos is married/Iris & Carlos getting kidnapped – This arc will be wrapped up this week (TOMORROW!!!) – but it only a piece of what I think the other season long arc is – Tarlos wedding (I am really leaning into it being at the end of the season). We will be getting pieces of this arc until the end.

Owen & the nazis. – I don’t know why they had to stretch this one through six episodes – unless they are running out of ideas for Owen – which, if that is the case, I have some they can use.

*The stills for 4x06 show Owen, O’Brien, the male FBI guy in the hospital room of Red (that is who it looked like to me) – So I do think that ep ends it. (Or at least I am trying to convince myself that it does).

Owen being desperate for male friends in his age bracket that will instead, just help him fuck up his own life is the series arc. Really all this rambling to say that I really hope the nazis are gone by the end of 4x06 – like really hoping.

I don’t think I will ever be able to trust a dude that is roughly Owen’s age that wants to be his friend – his track record is not encouraging.

[hirazuki]

Tagged by @skaelds -- thanks for the tag!

1.Three ships?

Hmm, I’m going to interpret this as romantic ships, because I have much fewer of those than platonic ones; otherwise we’ll be here all day XD I don’t really have any ships in Tolkien (like, I’m cool with all the ones established in canon and a handful of fanon ones, I’m just not particularly invested in any), so:

Ulquiorra/Orihime (Bleach) Erza/Jellal (Fairy Tail) Sesshomaru/Kagura (Inuyasha)

2. First ever ship?  

Probably Lymond/Phillippa (The Lymond Chronicles)

3. Last song?

The Sea and a Pearl by Junna yes, I’m stll upset about how the series went but the opening song is so catchy damn it

4. Last movie?

I rewatched both Phantom Rouge and The Last Mission, for Hunter x Hunter research purposes 👀

5. Currently reading?

I’m about to start (re)reading the Silmarillion, the entire HoMe, Fall of Numenor, Nature of Middle Earth, and select parts of LotR and the Hobbit -- ideally in that order -- in preparation for some much overdue fic writing and possibly text-supported blorbo analysis because if I see one more take of a certain flavor, I am going to start a cult to Melkor

6. Currently watching?

I’ve been rewatching Space Battleship Yamato in the background while drawing (tbh mostly for the music; I can’t find the soundtrack anywhere and it is gorgeous); and in terms of currently-airing, I’m following Vinland Saga S2 (it’s beautifully rendered but I miss Askeladd SO MUCH), Boruto (I can always rely on Narutoverse to be there for me ♡), and Revenger (still forming my opinion on this one).

7. Currently consuming?

Coffee and water. I should probably actually eat something solid but basic self-care this past week has been at an all-time low.

8. Currently craving?

The attention span to sit down and just. finish editing even just one of the seven different fics I’m working on so that I can actually post something  T___T

____________________________________________________

15 Questions 15 Mutuals

Rules: answer the questions and tag fifteen mutuals.

1. Are you named after anyone?

Saint Alexios; very traditional and typical of my family to name me after a saint. Me? Not so much a fan. I have a very love-hate relationship with my name.

2. When was the last time you cried?

I rarely cry, like once every few years, but I fulfilled my quota this past Wednesday ✌️

3. Do you have kids?

Absolutely not.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Lmao every sentence. Even when I honestly don’t mean to use it, I end up sounding like I’m being sarcastic XD

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

The way they move, primarily their gait. I’ve realized that I recognize people by the way they walk and hold themselves rather than their faces or other more conventional aspects *is actually a dog in human form*

6. What’s your eye colour?

Debatable. I, personally, think it’s green, but I’ve heard others say blue and/or grey.

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

I don’t really care for scary movies, so I guess happy endings by default; but honestly, any media that is narratively coherent and consistent and delivers satisfactorily.

8. Any special talents?

Scary levels of organization. Can recognize people from the sound of their footsteps. Dog magnet. When I walk/move, I apparently make no sound and terrify people, even if I’m not trying to be quiet at all.

9. Where were you born?

Greece

10. What are your hobbies?

Drawing, writing, cosplay, swordsmanship.

11. Have you any pets?

I used to have a zoo, but time happens and..... as of this past week, there are none left. It’s been rough. (I live with my sis and she still has hers, so there are still fur babies in the house, but. it’s not the same.)

12. What sports do you play/have played?

I used to be big on soccer and basketball way back in middle school and high school, but none since then. I do practice martial arts, but none that fall into the sports category.

13. How tall are you?

About 170cm/5′6′’ ish.

14. Favorite subject in school?

English. Who knew that all those years of successfully bullshitting literary analysis would lead to online blorbo appreciation?? XD

15. Dream job?

Once upon a time, I dreamed of having a job that let me travel the world, allowed me to work with archaeological artifacts, and provided me with a skillset that I could also apply to my creative endeavors and other hobbies (i.e., objects conservator with a focus in metallurgy/metalsmithing).

Now, I just want something that requires minimum contact with other people/the public, is interesting enough to not bore or irritate me, and that leaves me with enough time and energy at the end of the day to pursue my own interests. Oh, and that pays a livable wage! Unrealistic, I know XD

.

Uh, I don’t think I have 15 mutuals ^^; so I tag: @baked-hylian, @cruelfeline, @nomadicism, @chellekumari, @strangefellows, and anyone else who wants to do it! Do it only if you want, of course! :)

[curatedbyhatto]

one song every day - vol IV

What’s up? Another month has come to an end, and once again I forgot to upload some days and I'm now delayed. Getting up to date and not apologizing for it is my favorite activity atm. The playlist on Spotycrap is of course, at the bottom.

vol IV spans from November 10th to December 11th, 2022

1. a favorite song you discovered from a TV show: Big White Elephant by In-Flight Safety - They have great music. Thanks The Office US for this amazing song. It appears on Episode 12, Season 8, at around 18:56, when Robert California looks at everybody and realizes that the party he's bought the house for is right in front of him, maybe just not as crazy. All the music on this episode is pretty good, actually.

2. a song that motivates you: CTRL by Technoboy, Tuneboy and DJ Isaac - Whether it's the main drop, or the reverse bass one, this song has everything to motivate me and just go wild. I really like hardstyle like this

3. a song to listen to while working: The Look by Metronomy - What a great band, thanks internet for showing me a masterpiece

4. a song perfect when it's raining: Her Life by Two Feet - Some would consider the song sexy, but what I hear are the pizzicati on the violin, much like raindrops

5. a song that makes you dance: Nadie Sabe Bailar by Entrelineas - Ironic that the song is called 'Nobody knows how to dance" and the music video is exactly the opposite, people dancing, not so well but dancing still. Also ironic that it makes you move

6. a song from your childhood: Run Away With Me by Carly Rae Jepsen - Remember that vine? Yesh.

7. a song while working out: Taste the Night by Going Deeper ft. Ryan Konline on vocals - Whenever you see me skating at La Sabana, this one is on my playlist

8. a song that soothes you: The Space In Between by Jan Blomqvist - There is something to this tune that I can't describe other than like a fresh, cold sip of water in a hot sunny day.

9. a song without words: Sirius by The Alan Parsons Project - Playing this song without 'Eye in the Sky' right after, should be a punishable offense

10. a song that puts you to tears: Gravity by Sara Bareilles - This right here is really personal, but people who know me in depth know that's really hard for me to cry, even if I'm sad, and a lot of times I just wanna cry and it just doesn't happen, and it sucks arse big time. I'm not even ashamed of crying, I just can't. Gravity makes really no difference, but it's the closest I can get.

11. a song you will play on your wedding: As The World Caves In by Matt Maltese - Thanks clem turner, because thanks to his covers I was introduced to Matt Maltese and his amazing music

12. a hit song from the year you were born: Otherside by Red Hot Chili Peppers - One of the first rock bands that I listened to by myself, instead of my mum showing me the music. For more info on that, take a look at this post

13. a classic song you like: Mars from The Planets composed by Gustav Holst - I don't know what they were referring to with 'classical' but my understanding was classical music so, yes. One of my favorite pieces of music

14. a song while commuting: Toro by Liily - Liily is amazing. Other rock band that I really really love. I may actually cover them on #curatedbyhatto: the music some day

15. a popular song from a different country: No Voy en Tren by Charly García - Argentinian rock is without a doubt one of the most important parts of latinamerican music. On a funny note, I heard this song for the first time when it was covered by another musician when I was watching Yo soy Betty, la fea

16. a song for a creative boost: As the World Caves in (Wuki remix) which at the same time is a cover from Sarah Cothran - Well, this song is so good that it appears twice on this list. What can I say?

17. a song that makes you confident: Sax Things by Sunday Noise and Lena Glish - A masterpiece that I discovered thanks to blanc. If you're into tech house, you should him out.

18. a song that's on repeat: Did I Make You Up? by half•alive - half•alive was my most listened to artist this year on spotify. No surprise they were, but surprising it wasn't twenty øne piløts, tbh. They're still two of my three fav bands alongside Pierce the Veil

19. a song by a local artist: Marte by Sábado Santo - Seeing them live was a one of a kind experience. Check them out

20. a song you sing in the car: MANTRA by Bring Me The Horizon - I don't have a car but I remember singing this song with a friend when we were in his car

21. a song that puts you to sleep: truce by twenty øne piløts - Soothing. Perfect. Soft. Tyler and Josh. That was a rhyme, nice

22. a song that reminds you of your friends: Flamingo by Kero Kero Bonito - My friends are a bunch of golden retriever (like me) or chihuahua energy folks, and I think this song sums up the constant, neverending chaos we represent, and the fun that we have

23. a song for a road trip: My Own by Chris Lorenzo - Imagine the car starts going through an empty highway when the beat drops. You get it now?

24. the #1 song on the day you were born: Bent by Matchbox Twenty - The guy's voice reminds me of another vocalist but I can't wuite put my finger on it

25. a song that makes you sentimental: Lullabies by Yuna - I discovered the Adventure Club remix first, then the original version, and with that I was into the world of triphop and I could never come out. I didn't want to, anyway

26. a song you love singing along to: The Great Escape by Boys Like Girls - Tell me, with a straight face, that you can resist singing this every time you listen to it. You can't, I know, I can't either, I have to sing it. Oh, I also discovered this song by accident when looking for blink-182, about 12 years ago

27. a song by your favorite boy band: Big Time Rush by Big Time Rush - Not that creative of me to chose this one but I really loved the TV show and their music

28. a favorite song you learned from a movie: Pocketful of Sunshine by Natasha Bedingfield - It appears on "The Ugly Truth" when Abby and Colin go to the river, on a car. Great album by Natasha, as well

29. a song by your favorite solo artist: Take A Chance by Oliver Heldens - It was hard to chose one and in the future I would probably change it, but for now, this one will do

30. a song from your first concert: take 2 sugars by The Loser's Service - Another great Costarican band

you can find the playlist here and if you wanna take the challenge too, here's the pic:

[dayeongi]

Well-wishes

I saw the texts come in this morning as I worked.

They came from a number I didn’t have saved, but I saw a preview on the notifications. Words like “I’m sorry” and “I didn’t know how to handle...” and my breath caught in my throat.

Almost as soon as I realized who it was, the last text came in. It said “i’m X.”

I managed to swallow the trepidation and finish off an email to let the dread settle comfortably before I opened them. They looked to be long and emotionally destructive.

X had been my best friend since the first day of preparatory school. From the very first day I got to school 3 hours early because I made a mistake with my timetable, and she asked if I was always early, and I said yes, and then that was the last time I was early to school.

She’d been there for 11 years. Through my father’s death of Covid, she had brought a chair and sat outside my house, brought me groceries, and chatted with me through the glass window for the entire 14 days I was quarantined. And that made it worth the times she’d stood me up or let me down, or made me wait for hours because there was always something going on.

She had been there through my first boyfriend and first serious crush (which were two different people). She had been there through the abusive household I lived in, and I was there through her first serious relationship with a mutual friend, from the beginning through its messy end, I chose her every time, because I thought that’s what best friends were like. And I was there as much as she let me be.

Last I’d heard from X was in 2021, she’d told me she was in an unsafe situation with her stepfather at home, and asked if she could move into my spare room, and pay rent. I said come, don’t pay rent, just help with the utilities and groceries.

She said yes, and dropped off some of the things that same day, and she slept over. Next morning before she left for work, she said she’d drop by her current place and pick up the rest of her stuff after work. I said I’d wait for her to come back to order groceries so we could save on delivery fees and gave her my spare set of keys.

She called during work hours, and said she would be coming over tomorrow; she was afraid of her stepfather so she wanted to get her things out when they were out.

I said that was fine since she had keys anyway, and asked if she wanted me to wait to order groceries.

She didn't show up the next day. Or the next.

This was normal from her. She never kept her word.

I messaged just to check on her and ask if she still wanted me to hold off on the groceries.

No response for another two days. I started to get nervous. I ordered the groceries because I'd ran out of stuff, and messaged her again.

I let her know I could just take care of the delivery fees. No response for the rest of the day.

Then, a premade-like message. "I'm sorry, I can't answer right now, but I'll get back to you ASAP."

Like the ones you set up on your phone to be sent automatically.

I started to panic, because I didn't know her stepfather, and in my country, you can make people disappear with under 100 gbp, and she'd recently had experienced a situation almost like that with a taxi driver.

I thought, "what if I'm sitting here, thinking she's fine and just not getting back to me, and instead she's dead in a ditch somewhere."

My best friend of 11 years.

I called several times. Several being maybe 4 times in the span of an hour, which wasn't strange for us.

I calmed myself, and decided I'd been dumb not to check on her social media; I normally don't check people's profiles at all.

What I saw was surreal. I'd been there, sitting in my living room floor thinking my best friend was dead; she had been so urgent, and seemed so frightened.

During that time, she had been going on brunches, and on a roadtrip with her fiancé.

The change of plans itself was irrelevant. It was the lack of consideration. The shamelessness of putting me on hold without giving me a word.

I called her again. No response. I stewed on it for another two days, waiting to hear back.

Nothing.

I sent her a message. "I just think it's unfair that you asked me to do this for you, then left me waiting here to hear back from you for over a week, worried out of my mind."

No response that day. Or the next. I message her again. "Please let me know when I can go pick up the stuff (I'd lent her for a trip)"

No response, until later that day. It has been 2 weeks since she came to my house panicking about needing somewhere to stay immediately.

There was no apology. Instead she said she would drop off my spare set of keys, and she needed some space from me, and maybe one day we could be friends again once I was in a better headspace.

That she had no reason to report what she was up to every minute of her life, and that if it had been such a pain to wait for her, to not bother.

To add insult to injury, that she loved me and would be there for me if I ever needed anything.

I snarked back. I said things like "I don't need to know every single thing you do every single minute, and sorry I give a shit about you"

Then she took everything I'd ever trusted her with, all the times I'd been frustrated with my family and told her, and used it to say I was the problem, that I was the reason I always had interpersonal conflict, and the reason my life was the way it was, and I needed to reflect on myself and the shit path my life was taking.

She sent me her love again. My best friend of 11 years.

I didn't send her love back. I only asked to get my shit.

I will spare anyone who is reading the boring negotiations and promises she never kept to give me back my stuff, until she finally did.

She dropped them off at my place. It was raining. I awkwardly avoided looking anywhere above her hands; I knew I would cry if I did.

I thanked her as I closed the door out of politeness.

On text, after I'd closed the door after myself, she'd sent me her love and well-wishes again.

Like she hadn't riled me up and prepared me to help her. Like I was a wet stray under the rain she looked at pitifully.

Well-wishes. Hah.

I blocked her the very moment I saw them.

I hadn't hear from her in a while until a mutual friend shared the photos of her wedding.

She had taken the dream wedding dress design I'd made for myself, that I had so delicately and secretly shown her, and made it for herself.

I blocked every mention of her from everywhere, and over time I realized, I was starting to feel like a full person again as soon as I stopped constantly giving her everything.

I put my face on the desk.

Which brings me to today, and the 5 deleted messages. From an unknown number.

I pointed out I could see someone had tried to message me.

"sorry, I got the wrong number," she said, and I thought: how fucking unfair to mess up my tuesday and try to play me for a fool. How fucking evil and selfish of X to wish me a good day and try to deceive me into taking her well-wishes again. All for her own comfort or healing or whatever she was trying to do by messaging me on a fucking tuesday.

But, honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted to talk to X. Too much has happened. Too much time has passed.

I didn't want to be carrying around a piece of her anymore. So I pretended to buy it.

And X decided to text me back. "Sorry. I actually didn't get the wrong number. But I don't want to tell you who I am because I'm afraid. Regardless, I just want to wish you a good day."

Some part of me relished in the fact that she was scared. So I said "thank you, X."

I wanted her to feel what I felt when I saw her messages pop up on the screen, then disappear.

Maybe I wanted to fuck up her tuesday too because I'm also a coward.

And because I'm a coward, I pretended I guessed, but wasn't sure if it was really X.

"We can play a guessing game. I'm someone who likes to shop around for useless stuff. And I always scolded you for eating your fries before your burger."

And I said "so you're really X." Even though I'd always known, from the 5th, deleted message.

Bracing myself for impact, I read the messages she sent after. About how sorry she was about everything that happened, that she had been a fool and I'd been a great friend, and she hopes everything is going well for me.

How if I ever wanted to, we could go get a burger together again.

For a moment, I thought about saying yes. Because she'd been my best friend for 11 years. Because I was lonely. Because she remembered I like to eat my fries before the burger.

Then, I remembered how she'd known exactly how to hurt me and hadn't hesitated in my lowest moment, then skipped-off into the sunset with my dream wedding dress for a wedding I haven't been able to hold for myself. Apparently now self-reportedly with regrets.

How she had selfishly tried to give me unsolicited well-wishes to ease her own guilt.

Too much has happened. Too much has been said. Too much time has passed. The scar of the space where she used to be is old and gnarled, but a scar.

I replied, "I'm also sorry about how everything happened, and I always did wish you the best."

X seemed to falter. She typed and deleted. Typed and deleted.

She thanked me for giving her my time.

She said she hadn't know how to handle her own situation and emotions and everything had just gone out of control, and she'd done it all before she'd realized it, and then got scared to try to fix it.

X seemed to have realized what I meant by not responding to her burger invitation thing.

She said again she'd kept me in her good memories, and although she knew things couldn't ever be the same again, that she regretted it.

I thanked her, etcetera. Wished her a good life.

Sincere, I mean. 

I'm not sure if I was sincere, this only happened today. I don't know what I'm feeling.

But I want to think my well-wishes were. 

It's the best I can give her now.

I want to think I said it out of gratitude for those 11 years. For the time she stood outside my house when I was afraid I was dying every time I gasped for breath.

Of the time that I told her I was afraid I wanted to off myself, and she drove to my house at 12:35 AM and held me as I cried.

Well-wishes. 

The only thing I'm willing to give her now.

[bellevvalencia]

So, what?

I have nothing to write about anymore.

Do I write about age?

About my birthday or my friends or my family?

Maybe I should write about the last three months again.

I kind of wanted to write about one night, but a night is all that it was.

Is my career something I should think about right now?

Am I missing something?

Am I right exactly where I need to be?

Am I doing enough?

Maybe I’m not doing enough.

The story is not that boring. You wear blazers to work and suffer through impostor syndrome because you are a seven out of seven. You go straight to the gym, hungry and tired, not really thinking about it because it’s either you go or you kill yourself inside. You think about moving out, or buying a car, and whether or not it’s something you can afford by yourself. You think about staying in the country or flying out abroad to live anew. You think about death sometimes. You think about love and you wonder if it’s ever going to find your way. You talk to your friends a lot. You look forward to going out with your friends a lot. You party every weekend. You kiss boys you’ve known before and you kiss boys you’ve only met. You drag yourself through Mondays. You miss your family sometimes, but you convince yourself that you have to get used to it because you’re a grown-up. You unlearn new habits and relearn old habits because you find out that the things that you loved and hated about yourself are what make you you.

All that you do is personal to you. Although a lot of it, considerably, cannot be. You tell yourself again and again that no one ever truly knows, even if all signs point to just one direction. You want someone so badly but you don’t want to settle. You want to be a fuck yes, but even you can’t really give anyone a fuck yes.

What else am I supposed do write about now? That, in a span of two hours, I have decided three times that I would not go to the gym, but as I write this at 11:01 p.m., I am resting through my RDL sets on the gym floor...?

The story is not that boring. If you think about it, it’s actually pretty scary. You have all these interesting bits and pieces but they are terribly difficult to make sense of. In consulting, the most important question is, “so, what?” It’s supposed to come as the second nature.

Fuck if I know what the answer to my “so, what?” is.

It’s good and fun and awesome to write and live to tell these until you’re walking one day and realize that all of your steps are all that they are... they are steps.

What they are leading towards, you’re not entirely sure.

It’s quite a hard question to answer: knowing what you want to do, not what you’re okay with doing. Because most of the time, there’s really no way of telling. You can be excellent at something and still feel like shit every waking morning. You can suck so miserably bad at something and still gleefully bounce out of bed every single day. Finding the sweet spot in between takes time, effort, and precedence. And maybe a little bit of luck.

Not all of us are lucky enough to have a precedence. A figure to look up to, or dreams, or actual goals, for example—because there are first-borns who grew up as machines, independently fueled by an unspoken force to work as hard as they can, no matter where the path leads on. It’s a privilege to be that first-born sometimes. You get to stick through things to see the end, even if those things are already fucking keeping you off of it. You’re stubborn in this way, but it’s not like you can help it—you were shaped to pick the choices that are best and safest for everyone, not just for you. It works out half of the time; the other half you either get a good laugh or a terrible cry. But it’s okay. First-born machines are built to be okay.

We’re okay.

You could be a middle-child, too, with tons of insecurities and a coping mechanism to alienate, which will make it incredibly hard to identify what you love from what you tolerate. You could be the last-born, with the pressure of the entire royal family hereby bestowed upon your shoulder, unofficially, and although you know it’s just how they love you, you’ll never feel as comforted by it as you are shaken about it.

The order could be anything and you could have all the traits like you won the lottery. But nobody really cares about that when you feel like the air that you breathe is fucking lapsing, and your brain starts asking you, so what?

So, what? You give it a shot.

You don’t know what you want to do until you give it a try and live it out.

You’re a teen in your twenties, you have all the time to experience anything in the world, and no matter how much you have to lose, you only really have more to gain.

You work out after work? Good for you. You don’t? Get as much rest as you can.

You’re moving out? Best decision you’ve ever made. You’re not? Spend time with your family as long as you can.

You’re going abroad? You better max it out. You’re not? Chase what’s holding you back.

You want to die? Okay. You don’t? Okay.

You’re looking for love? Great, I’m single. You’re not? That’s also great.

You party every weekend? Why am I not invited? You don’t? Take care of yourself.

You kiss boys? Kiss some more. You don’t? Don’t.

You hate Mondays? Everyone does. You don’t? What is wrong with you?

You miss your family? Go home. You don’t? Go out.

You’re unlearning and relearning yourself, in your twenties, in the middle of this chaotic shitshow that is the quarter-life crisis? Be proud of yourself because not everybody can.

You’re not? You should.

Again, you ask me, so what? We have everything to write about. We just need to learn to live the story.

[plaindangan]

One month into Kirumi taking care of Kaede… and I will let you decide:

A. Kirumi couldn’t resist Kaede bubble buns and has taken to doing all the pianists work for her, allowing the fat butt slut to laze about and get huge and needy, for the maids monster meat in her door frame busting ass!

B. Kirumi has whipped Kaede into shape, maybe a little too well. Now the pianist is a huge muscly Amazon, with a much larger muscly ass that demands dick appointments. And unfortunately for Kirumi, Kaede is much MUCH bigger than her now.

Disclaimer: Below is content that's more on the racy side! If not for you, you probably shouldn't read!

Now, when they started, Kirumi admitted she would have her work cut out for her and it was easy to see why.

She had to deal with a Kaede who had long since given up personal upkeep in favor of her musical endeavors. Meaning her clothing, her housework and, even that voluptuous body of hers (especially her ridiculously huge butt), was let go a good deal. But! Kirumi was persistent! It took a month of grueling work. Of setting up a schedule for this naughty pianist to follow, to chastising her for not following her chores and workout routine….and even 'rewarding' her with a good dicking down whenever she followed through!~

Yes, by the time it was all over, she could really say she whipped Kaede into shape…which leaves into her current situation.

"Oh, heeey, Kirumi!~ I've done my chores for today!~" the pianist said as she greeted the maid, who came by for daily check-up. This 'new' Kaede. Gone was both the slacker and even the prim girl she was before. Replacing both was a Kaede that would have dwarfed even the likes of Sakura in terms of height.

Both her arms and legs were incredibly ripped and even just the friendliest pat that Kaede gave to Kirumi to gesture her inside, the maid felt incredibly power behind them. Kaede wasn't wearing much beyond a pink sports bra and matching shorts. The lowest definition of 'clothes' that she could muster to put on. They really only served a purpose of showing off her well-earned abs or how her once soft, plump, thighs turned into a pair of huge potential head crushers instead!~ But both paled in terms of her biggest 'ass'ets.

If her ass was once compared to dough, than the training she underwent turned her ass into essentially huge bricks. Solid, heavy and just perfect for pinning down anyone or anything for a crushing defeat!~ Her shorts might as well have been non-existent for all the good it did to hide Kaede's 'fitter' cheeks. The pink fabric couldn't even reach all the way her thighs, exposing 3/4 of her strong glutes shamelessly. It was also plain to see Kaede had decided not to wear underwear for today. No doubt in preparations for what's in store. But that wasn't getting into the last, but most striking thing about her. That being the rather noticeable bulge straining itself and looking as if it was going to rip a hole in such thin fabric anyways.

"You cleaned this place up quite thoroughly…" Kirumi muttered to herself. But Kaede easily heard it all the same. Slowly, a sly smirk appears on Kaede's face. "So finally good for my reward?~"

A pink hue gradually forms on Kirumi's cheeks as she realizes her fate is pretty much set in stone, "Wh-why…yes? Oh!!" As soon as Kirumi let that out, Kaede wasted no time in slinging Kirumi over her shoulders and up to her bedroom!~ Much to the maid's chagrin! She could never quite get used to be carried like this.

In a twist of fate, probably from some horny, trickster, goddess. Kaede had become a futanari just like Kirumi. Key difference being her new body made her ten times as hornier, her erection spanned 11 inches and, instead of looking forward to taking it from the maid, she rather preferred to 'give back' so to speak. Such as now!

PLAPLAPLAPLAPLAPLAP!!!

"N-nothing like a ass fuck after a nice day of cleaning, right, Kirumi?~" Kaede had wasted zero time in getting to her prize, easily ripping away Kirumi's panties and, after destroying yet another pair of shorts with her needy erection, plunging into Kirumi's own bubble butt. Her strong hands gripping away at the soft cheeks as she thrusted excitedly into the tight hole of the maid and into her desirable backside. Such a shame she kept it hidden so often...but that just made moments like these so much sweeter!~

Speaking of which…

"Y-yyyessssssh!!! Yesssh!! G-goooood!~ Veerrrrry goood!!! Sh-shoooow me mooreee!!! More of y-your progresss!! Mooooooooreeee!!!"

Kirumi practically screamed out, her mind going blank with pleasure the moment that she felt Kaede plunge into her needy ass. Her knuckles gripped onto the sheets tightly, her mouth twisting into a grin of lust. Ever since Kaede's body became that way, this had been Kirumi's fate! To be a gaping, soft, fuckhole that had to be filled up with cum as a reward for Kaede's hard efforts! And given just how good Kaede was at this? Kirumi didn't have any regrets about this at all!

[beck-a-la]

2022 Theater Stats

In 2016 I started keeping a journal specifically to write about shows I see, and I've kept up with it every year since. Each year gets a new journal where I glue in my ticket stub and the program cover (I really hate digital tickets and programs for several reasons but not having anything to put in my journal is the main one), and then write a page or two of thoughts on the show - what I liked, what I didn't like, design choices, emotional impact, anything. Journaling like this serves a few purposes for me - it scratches the scrapbook/papercraft itch (a hobby I don't often have the energy for), it stifles my hoarder instincts that want to save every program ~*~for posterity~*~ or something, and it forces me to think at least a little bit critically about the shows I'm seeing, instead of just being a passive consumer.

Absolutely no shade to my fellow industry brethren who would not be caught dead sitting in a theater after working all day in a theater, but I do (somehow) still enjoy seeing theater, and I really do think that reflecting like this on every show I see has helped my own artistic instincts mature.

And now for the stats, which I find very interesting but probably no one else will even read -

In 2022 -

Shows I saw: 13

Shows I purchased a ticket for: 3*

DC-local shows: 11 (the other 2 were national tours that friends worked on!)

I definitely would have seen more shows this year but I was out of town for a total of 3 months (2 for work, 1 for family stuff/the holidays) and I didn't see any shows while I was in Palau/Michigan/Alabama, so it's really more like 13 shows in 9 months.

In prior years -

2016: 36 shows. This is the year I started journaling about the shows I was seeing and I'm honestly still not sure how I had the time or energy to see that many- but hey, #goals I guess?

2017: 28 shows

2018: 25 shows

2019: 17 shows. In August of 2019 I moved from the DC area to Delaware for a season-long contract and realized how much of my social life actually revolved around going to shows. This was a little bit depressing at first but it really drove home for me how much I could never live long-term in an area where going to see a show that a friend worked on, running into at least one person I haven't seen in ages, and then going out after with some combination of old and new friends/colleagues/acquaintances, wasn't an option. I need the sense of community and connection I get from the industry here in DC and I'm so glad I'm back where I belong.

2020: 2 shows. Yes I do have a whole notebook for 2020 that is about 97% blank. I considered ritually burning it or something but I liked the 2 shows I saw so I'm keeping it. ~*~For posterity~*~ or whatever. There was a span of 15 months between the last show I saw in 2020 and the first show I saw in 2021.

2021: 11 total shows from May-December - 8 plays/musicals, 1 orchestra concert, 1 live radio show, and Blindness which did not feature live performers but was very much one of my top 3 pieces of Theatre for the year.

*when the theater industry pays me enough money that I can afford to purchase theater tickets, I will stop scrounging for comps so I guess what I'm saying is support the arts so that the arts can support me

[ninacarstairss]

ohhh believe me i packed lots of tissues and i screamed so much!!! it was amazing!!! i still can’t put all these feelings into words. i still can’t even believe it happened. but the post concert depression is hitting so so hard now

nero, i swear, it was mind blowing. harry has this thing for italy, like we all knew that if this tour had to end (yes, if because at some point it seemed to be everlasting) it was gonna be in italy, and he was gonna go with a bang. the show was almost three hours long and he sang all of the songs from his latest album, including one that he only sang once before, and he sang some songs from his other albums that are iconic and so painful and perfect for saying goodbye. and then he sang some one direction songs, he always has one or two on the setlist but on saturday he sang those two songs and then best song ever, which he’d never ever done before and the song had just turned ten years old like two days before. i swear you could hear the moment we realized what song it was because the arena was basically imploding!!! and he talked so much in italian too because he’s been learning it for years and he said goodbye in the perfect way, made us all cry five thousand times in the span of 180 minutes and then brought out a piano at the very end and played a song he’d wrote for us. there was silence for basically the whole 11 minutes he played because i think we were all sobbing. it was really the perfect goodbye

but at the same time i cannot let it go. i’ve lived off news and videos from this tour for three years, it’s so weird to know he’s gonna disappear for a while now. again, he deserves it so much, but it’s weird.

i also spent 130 bucks on merch so now i’m always carrying around a very furry hoodie in 45 degrees weather and a tote bag. it’s my only source of serotonin at the moment

anyways back to everything else, tomorrow the heartstopper trailer drops so i’ll get more serotonin and more nick and charlie 🥹

i’d love to see you just confusing people in italian with that line 😂

yes!!! little matching outfits and a lot of pride flags!!! it would be so perfect!! i can already feel the queer joy!!! :D

oh my god give me all that angst and hurt/comfort!!! i’m a slut for those tropes!!! i’m always here for the pain. i’ll also accept anything else, really 😂 i feel like my rwrb copy needs a break and i need all kinds of fanfictions

ohhh right the big og copy!!! i forgot about that!! i have to get that actually. either that or the british collector edition because i’ve been seeing that around so much lately so now i’m like a kid when they get denied candies. i just need it. also this is gonna be me as soon as my local english bookstores decides to add the movie edition :)))) the fact that you really cradled it to the register is incredibly relatable. i am waiting for the preorders to open internationally for the french collector’s edition because i really, really want that one. and you’ll be able to get so many different editions once you’re on your semester abroad!!! your collection is going to be amazing!!

ugh then this will definitely be a great experience!!! going abroad by yourself is probably the therapy you need to erase the trauma of doing that with your family. worked for me anyway 😂 and really it’s so scary at first, but seeing new places, meeting people and making it on your own, it heals you somehow. i really can’t wait to see you do this whole thing and have the time of your life <3

also this is kind of off topic but i’ve been struggling with self discovery too lately. when i did my semester abroad i found myself, but when i came back i was so lost because this didn’t feel like my place anymore. and lately i have been wanting to leave again, i’ve been playing around with the idea of starting fresh and experimenting a bit and even just the thought of it made me feel a lot better. and last night i was at dinner with some friends and there’s this girl that is into some kind of spiritual magic, i don’t really know how to even explain it, but she can feel and see stuff, and she was reading our hands to show us how it works and she hit that point. she told me i’m very confused but i’m experimenting on a lot of levels and it’s good, it’s helping. i never told her anything about this whole deal so she couldn’t have know, and she told me a lot of other things too that were really on point. i usually don’t even believe in this stuff but it really hit the point, and i don’t know, i think it made me feel a little better. a little more valid, even. because so many people around me say it’s too risky and too late to just start fresh and move away, and that’s always scared me. with so many people saying it, i kind of started believing it

so yeah this was really off topic, sorry, i just felt like i needed to share this :’)

yes absolutely!!! you’re my beloved soulmate bestie, we have to do this, it all sounds way too good to just let it be an idea!!! and yes, you really do need to try the pastas, i’m sure you’d love them!!!

wow. if this is the sentiment now, i guess she must have been really fun at first 😂😂 YESS!! oh i am so glad that you’ll be done with this job!!! you really shouldn’t have to be in a place that drains you so much so i’m so happy it’ll be over once you go abroad!!! and is it?? can i please give you my share of paperwork then? 😂 ok but seriously, we know overthinking is kind of our problem but i hope it’ll be more therapeutic than stressful then

ohh baby 🥺🥺🥺 she is really the cutest

it sounds like a dream. having all that time and a normal sleep schedule. it really sounds like a dream :’( i’m so glad you had a night off though and just chose to relax with a movie. that’s always the best way to recharge

you know, i didn’t even know jaffa cakes existed before rwrb and when i read how obsessed henry was with them i had to run to every store to find them 😂 now i’m obsessed too and they go perfectly with tea. i’m wrapping you in a big hug and giving you a kiss on the forehead <3333

hello nero my beloved soulmate!!!

i have pride stories!!! i went to pride this saturday and it was so much fun i need to tell you all about it!!!

well first of all i really hate that i had to work in the morning because it made me so tired and it was the first weekend of sales so yea, not fun. but anyway, my friend picked me up at 3pm and we got to florence. we had to park pretty far from the meeting point and then take a bus, and it was amazing because we were totally lost looking for that bus and at some point we see a bus full of people with rainbow flags, glitter, signs, flower crowns, rainbow stickers and temporary tattoos and all of that. and we just went in, no questions asked. we just figured we’d follow them out of the bus too 😂 i love our people honestly. we were so colorful

anyway we got to the meeting point and it was deadly hot. i swear there were like 45 degrees. but it was so amazing to be around all of those people dressed in all colors and wearing all sorts of things we’d usually be judged for, it felt so safe. except that there was a religious protestor so we got to give him the finger like the heartstopper cast did :)

also my sister came with me. she’s always so supportive and it meant the world that she came with me. anyway the parade started and there were some amazing floats. there were rainbow families, drag queens, all the lgbtqia+ associations from our territory and we started walking behind this float that had amazing music, so we started dancing and singing and it was so much fun!!! we got to talking with some people, there were some amazing signs that were just perfect and i had to go there and tell them how much i loved them :) it was just so fun, i loved meeting random people and it was just the perfect environment. at night there was also a dj set and a band singing to keep the show going!!

then when we were walking back to the bus stop at night we got the whiplash of not being surrounded by queer people anymore. we got catcalled like fifteen times in the span of three minutes. i kinda wanted to punch everyone because we had such a perfect day and i hated that we had to go back to the real world where people are shit 🥲

but still i got so many amazing memories and now all i want to do is book a flight to london for next year and have you come with me so we can celebrate together and see the heartstopper cast!!!!

also, i got a new tattoo yesterday!! and i actually had red white and royal blue with me to distract me so i almost finished the book again and cried in from of my tattoo artist lol it took me the whole day again and it was so painful but so worth it!!! i got medusa on my leg 😻

also, as to our previous letter i just wanted to say that of course i believed in you!!!! i knew you could do it!! but i can definitely believe you had to close your eyes to open that message 😂 getting grades back is always so stressful!! now manifesting a spot for the exchange 🕯️🕯️🕯️ i really hope you get it!!! it’s an amazing experience, you’d definitely love it!!!

and i’m really glad you found someone who specialises in what you need. it can take a while to find the right therapist but i hope this one works out!!

(i’m also writing down sydney and melbourne for when i’m rich enough to visit 😂 i literally booked a flight for august and my bank account kinda yelled at me to stop spending money i don’t have lol)

anyways i’m really sorry i’ve been away for so long, i had a crazy week between the beginning of seasonal sales, pride and the tattoo appointment. i kinda didn’t have time to do anything 🥲

i’m giving you a hug and some homemade chocolate chip cookies with biscoff cream on top <33

hello cece my beloved soulmate!!!!

oh my god i've been so excited to hear about this!!!

that sucks you had to go to work, boo!!! but at least you were off early enough to still go to pride!!!! and how cool that you got to share the experience of going on the bus with all the queer people!! i bet there was no straight and/or cis people on that bus 😂😂😂 just follow the rainbow!!

hot days are the worst, but pride would have made it so much better. i would not be focused on how sweaty i was or the temperature with the amount of queer joy happening around me! it's so wonderful that in a parade full of people and colour that you were able to feel so incredibly safe, and it would have been such an intimate moment for you! and fuck that religious protestor, i'm so glad you gave him the finger. the heartstopper cast would be so proud of you :')

oh that warms my heart that your sister came!!! that was so nice of her to come with you!! the floats sound amazing, and the singing and dancing!!! i am feeling some of the joy through my screen!! seriously, cece, this sounds like the most incredible time. i want to cry just thinking about you having so much fun with your friend and your sister, celebrating your queerness and talking to new people and singing and dancing like there's no one else around 🥲🥲🥲

the trip home must have been so dull in comparison! and how dare those people catcall you, i hope you gave them the same treatment as that religious protestor because seriously what the fuck.

the only thing that matters now is that you had a safe and wonderful time at pride and you can cherish those memories for the rest of your life! and yes, we must do it!! i will literally stay for an extra month just to go to pride in london with you <3

oh my god yay!!! i bet the medusa tattoo looks so cool! and yes reading rwrb while getting tattooed is properly not your best idea, but i'm already rereading rwrb any chance i get to annotate it fully before the movie so i can't say much 😂

okay, cece, i must let you know, because i said to myself i would let you know as soon as i could. but this morning, i woke up (quite late actually). i checked my watch for my notifications. i see an email waiting for me. i die a little inside realising it is from the exchange team at my university. i run out to grab my phone from where i charge it. i speed past my mum. i unlock my phone. i open my email and click on the newest one. and.... I GOT A SPOT EARLY!!! AT MY FIRST UNIVERSITY TOO!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??? i'm still in so much shock and i thank you for your manifesting and belief in me!!! oh my god i have so much to do before then (mostly saving money ngl 😂) but oh my god cece, i'm going to england for exchange!!!!!!

me too!! i just need to find the time to get a referral, so i can go and see them!!

(literally sydney and melbourne are lowkey expensive, but it is totally worth it!! and i would be more than happy to tell you where to go and where to stay! <3)

do not apologise!!! we are all busy! i am literally working the equivalent of a full time job over the next two weeks and i'm also dogsitting over the weekend :') pray for my poor soul.

i'm giving you the biggest hug i hope contains the same warmth as pride and i'm fighting off your customers so you can have a few moments to breathe <3333

[penaltybox14]

Decofiremen: Soon Be the Dawning Days

@darknight-brightstar @zeitheist Every single one of my attempts to write pleasant holiday-oriented things ends up ass-deep in character dissection and plot exposition.  @squad51goals @its-skadi

In this installment, we talk about seasons, changes, and things to celebrate.

December darkens the days, and sharpens the nights.  There is frost every morning, and the sun is a pale consumptive, waking feebly and slipping weakly into evening.  The potbelly stove in the dorm is always burning, always someone up in the night to tend it, every hour.  The lads spend a productive few hours one off day re-arranging their beds, recaulking the windows, and hanging curtains.  When Josiah asks what they are up to, they explain the lads at the ends of the rows have been getting cold in the night, and they are trying to fix it up so that either everyone is warm, or everyone is cold.

"You mind, Captain?" Jules Menlo asks.  He and Bertram Cochrane have taken up the lead, since Antoine and Ellis left for the City.  They are raw to it, but they are learning yet. 

"Not at all, boys, carry on."

Josiah is pleased with them.  Neat and natty rows of beds can go to hell, the lads are making a fine hearth for themselves.  They make sure to vent it properly, and Lufty nods approvingly at their work - a house inside of a house, a canvas-flanked beast breathing and snoring in the wind-snipped nights.  Josiah only scolds them once, when he catches Davey at three in the morning carrying wood in for the stove.  Sure, he is wrapped up tight as a beetle in a sack of flour, but Josiah reminds them that he's just a boy, yet, and needs his rest.

Young Cleary had stumbled a while, the days after Antoine and Ellis were graduated.  Eddy had given him a scorcher of a talk for forgetting to include Davey in the proceedings, and he deserved it.  That responsibility is still so new and giddy to him - where now, he can remember his own graduation, and think well on it, and not always be so bitter - and he had left the boy bereft.  Fool that he is.  Even Silky would've cuffed him for it. 

My true friend Silky, he writes, one glassy morning when the sun had lost the strength to lift the frost from the grass, you would not believe me or maybe you would.  Do you remember the day the bell sounded for us, at breakfast?  In the good cheer of sending my lads to the city, I left out the boy who needs us most, our young Cleary.  Your god, my friend, would smote me off the earth.  It was a terrible mistake, for I frightened him so badly.  I had to set him down later in the day and explain all the proceedings and the ceremony.  I am not yet sure he forgives me.  I am not sure I deserve it.  Here he is, a boy who has already lost one family, and I am to take another from him.  You can be sure Eddy let me have it. 

yours irresponsibly, Birchy

In those following days, after Antoine and Ellis depart on the train from Troy, his heart aches, something like a tooth you want to forget, something a body can't escape from.  The long hallway is there in his dreams, in the boy's dreams, and now he hears the piano, and the distant laughter.  He smells the books in the study.  When he wakes, he feels the far-off gaze of a man much his senior, cool-eyed but in such a way as a lake when the summer days grow taut about the city streets.  An expectant look, a waiting.  Far off down that hallway, as far from the boy now as the Bronx for him, as the dorm he once sweat out his sear in.  He would want to look away, as the village folks and the oakbellies look at his scars and his brace.

He knows that hallway, and that's just the trouble, for young Cleary has walked it alone, trailing his fingers along the green wallpaper, and Josiah, trembling for the thought of the beam waiting in the ceiling, has not followed.  Coward, he thinks.  To let the child walk his hallway and stumble, smoke-wrecked, to his wide lawn, alone.  A one-legged and half-hearted coward.  Davey looks at him askance often in those following days - doesn't come to read with him or practice his Latin, doesn't follow the lads out on their drills no matter how they coax him.  He walks down the pathway past the brambles and into the woods, his too-large coat down past his knees and his collar up so high it leaves just his dark curls tumbling out in the sharp wind, and when he comes in for dinner, he is quiet and small among the lads. 

It is one of those long, weary twilights when the winter rattles like dry bones, and his leg aches.  He is fixing the ledger, making notes, and Silky's reply is on the edge of the desk.  Davey slips in so quietly he only hears it with his sear, so startlingly that Josiah leaves a blot on the end of a row. 

"Capper?"

He puts his pen down and smiles like he imagines Silky would at an Antoine or an Ellis.  Truth to say, he has missed the boy, even the sometimes frantic, fledgling winging of his sear.  He is far too young to grieve such an emptiness as that long, black hallway and the smoke-torn sky.

"May I ask a question?"

Times, the boy's genteel raising surfaces, softly like the wave on the shore.  Times, as now, he holds his cap in his hands as if he's in a holy place, and his eyes are the shyness of moss on a shadowed ledge. 

"Course.  Always."

"Eddy said firemen don't take holidays."

"Come sit.  What're you onto?"

"It's almost Dawning Days, that's all..."

"Oh, ghosts above, Davey - " Josiah has to laugh.  " - no, that's not how Eddy meant it.  He only meant that fires and accidents and all our work, it can happen any time."

Davey sits in one of the clutter of chairs in Josiah's office, kicking his legs, the gesture of a younger boy, an apologetic sort of gesture. 

"I don't mean to laugh, young Cleary, but we do know the Dawning Days."

From the sundown on solstice to daybreak on New Year's - the time of spirits, the time of the seasons shifting, the time to do good and remember that the sun is only resting for a grand debut.  The oakbellies throw a grand to-do at New Year's, all the officers invited to come at their most festive.  He has not gone - and the oakbellies are likely to be glad of it, he figures, for he would not cut such a charming figure in his full dress and a tin of polish on his leg.  They would, as they did at his promotion, shuffle and swallow hotly above their stiff collars.  He would probably stand the whole night out of pride and spend the week after in bed.  Perhaps it would be worth it.

"Do you have a party?"

"As many as we can."

"And lights?"

"As many as the sills will hold.  The lights and the cups left out for the ghosts.  Eddy has probably got another little tree to plant - you know, that stand of maple by the stables, that's his handiwork."

Davey is looking as delighted as Josiah has ever seen him.  His eyes are younger, now.  He is more the boy that he must have been in golden days, before his long dark hallway. 

"And you already know Bertram and his fiddle, and save us all, we've heard the lads sing."

"They taught me the fireman's song."  Davey grips the chair, and then pauses, as if lost of a sudden.  "Lyddie would've liked that song, I suppose.  Mother scolded her because she called the music our teacher brought her 'musty old tunes'."

From far away, in the marrow of his bones, Josiah feels the soft carpet of the parlor under his shoes.  Dark walnut bookshelves and rich, salmon-colored wallpaper embossed with an intricate pattern, the sort of thing a child would run their fingers over.  The books are less a rainbow than a late-summer forest, greens and smatterings of red and orange.  The girl playing the piano, with the bow in her hair, likes to spin cleverly from the plodding strains of an old mass to the bright chirps of ragtime and dance.  The brother laughs. 

The oak floors in their dormitory had what seemed to be a century of wax and polish creating glistening currents in the low lamplight.  They could have greased the bedsprings with a gallon of lard per man and the damned things would've screamed like witches every time a man so much as thought of rolling over.  A cold night outside, and a warm hearth within, each coat and helmet hung on its hook, each woolen blanket tucked neatly around each mattress corner.  The brothers are singing and the brothers are laughing. 

"Antoine wrote me a letter," Davey says, quietly.  "He says he got his sear."  Davey bites his lip.  "He says everybody looked after him, and his captain Jack Prince gave him a pocketwatch.  Does it hurt so much, always?"

"Every man is different.  It's a hard hand of days.  But we look after each other." "I don't remember, exactly.  I hurt so long, I was in bed and the lady wanted to call the doctor, I think.  I hurt so long, and then - then it just felt like - "  Davey leans forward, puts his arms on the desk and his head in his arms and sighs.  Muffled, he whispers, "I felt like - "

Like wandering, Josiah thinks.  That strange stillness when the fever breaks, before you come around to your mates watching over you, before you pull yourself out of your bed weak and stunned and brand-new on foal's legs.  A fresh and open field, the shaded place where the last dollop of snow lives nearly into June. 

"I know," Josiah murmurs, and lays his hand - his scarred hand - on young Cleary's shoulder.  "I do know, son, I do."

"I wished Antoine didn't have to hurt that way.  Or Ellis.  Or Jules or Betram." "I dunno what it was like - " Josiah sighs.  " - but for me, I had my mates around, and my pal, we got it together.  I never would've got through it, without him."

"Thomas."

Josiah starts.

"Sorry, Capper.  I read it on the letter.  Eddy talked about him once, too."

"Silky."

"Capper?"

"Silky.  That's what we called Thomas."

"Why?"

"I don't remember, really."

"What's he like?"

"Oh," Josiah says.  "I'll tell you.  You'd like him a sight better than me - for one thing, he's got two entire good legs and he could take you down to the fish pond.  Second - "

Davey is kicking his legs again, scuffing the toes of his boots on the wooden floor. 

"Well, I'll tell you.  The day I met him, here at Wynantskill, he very nearly ran me down with a horse, a big old dapple grey gelding we called Chubby..."

Davey leans on his hands. 

Silky's letter, half-unfolded, is by his elbow.  I never really got the brothers' whole forgiveness bit, it says, but I do reckon it's a little bit like when you turn over the ash of a building, and you find a little green thing growing underneath.