#yenno if my parents let me name it that

[chailatterambles]

Rightful Heir to the Serpent Throne// Sweet Pea Imagine// Ch.3

A/N: Thank-you so much for the love guys. Here is Ch.3. I love feedback so feel free to send me messages or leave comments. My goal is to have Ch.4 up before Christmas. Lots of love guys! 

Warnings: Language. Suggestions of Abandonment.

Word Count: 2.4k

Part 1  / Part 2 

Synopsis: Serena is 16 years old and daughter to Rascal Jones, FP’s deceased older brother and fellow Serpent. She grew up on the Southside until her father died in a motorcycle accident. Her mother remarried a doctor and Serena was moved to the Northside at just 11 years old. 5 years and a messy divorce have passed and she is back on the Southside with her mom and younger sister. Can Serena pick up where her life left off? Will she be accepted back by her friends? And how will a certain tall dark and handsome serpent change her life?

After a couple of hours at the graveyard, Sawyer and I headed back. FP offered to walk us home, but I assured him we would be fine. Sawyer’s small hands were shoved into her pockets, with Rascal tucked under her arm. She jumped from puddle to puddle, enjoying what was left over from the rainfall this morning. She gasped when she saw a puddle the size of a small pond. She threw her arms forward and lunged into the puddle. Water sprayed all different directions, including onto me.

“Watch it kid.” I laughed. She turned her head to look at my giving me a devilish smirk. She lifted her foot ready to do it again. Her eyes never left my face, waiting to see if I would stop her. I rolled my eyes and gestured for her to proceed. She giggled excitedly and begun stomping her feet repeatedly into the wet mess. Her clothes became quickly drenched. Sawyer stepped out of the puddle and stuck her hand out for me to take. I grasped her hand in mine and we continued on our way.

The sky above had begun to grow slightly darker as the day faded away. It was never a good idea to walk around the South side after dark. I sped up my pace a little bit and dragged Sawyer with me. Her little legs picked up speed, but I could tell she was struggling.

“Slow down DeeDee, I can’t go that fast.” She huffed between breaths. I sighed and slowed down. We were only a few minutes from home anyways.

“I know you can handle yourself and all, but there aren’t a lot of lunch trays out here yenno.” I heard his voice come from behind me. A shiver ran down my spine and I turned slowly as he approached me. He dark hair was a mess upon his head and he was wearing a small grin on his lips. I smiled back at him,

“I am not just handy with lunch trays. I can turn other things into weapons if need be.” I challenged. Sweet Pea crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow.

“Is that so?” he replied. Suddenly, I felt a tug on my hand.

“DeeDee it’s cold, can we go?” Sawyer whined. I went to reply when a chuckle interrupted me. My head snapped back to him and I realized he was on the verge of losing it. My eyes narrowed,

“What’s so damn funny?”

“DeeDee?” he said using his arm to cover his mouth. He took a breath and composed himself, but his grin never faltered.

“You’re a lot less threatening with a name like DeeDee.” He said.

“Ya, alright Sw-eet Pea.” I said empathising his obviously ironic name. His eyes narrowed slightly.

“Touche.” Was all he said. Sawyer walked around me, so she was directly in front of me. She reached her hand out and tugged on Sweet Pea’s jacket. He glanced down at her and crouched so he was eye level to her.

“You never asked my name. That’s not very nice.” She pouted. I smiled widely at both of them. Sweet Pea glanced back up at me looking for help. I shrugged and gestured down to the determined little girl. He looked back at her and smiled,

“You’re so right. I’m sorry.” He stuck his hand out for her,

“I am Sweet Pea, what’s your name?” Sawyer’s face lit up and she grabbed his large hand in both of hers shaking it wildly.

“I’m Sawyer.” I watched the scene in front of me in awe. Who knew someone who looked so scary would have such a soft spot for little kids? Sawyer spoke up,

“Mr. Pea, are you going to walk with us home?” she asked tilting her head. My eyes went wide. Damn, my little sister is the best wing woman ever. Sweet Pea looked up at me and raised and eyebrow. I nodded, and he stood up.

“Sure kid, ill walk with you guys.” He said nonchalantly. Sawyer clapped and grabbed Sweet Pea’s hand. She dragged him towards the direction of our house. He went along with her but turned to look at me pleading. I simply laughed and shrugged,

“Lead the way, Mr. Pea” I laughed. Sweet Pea groaned and continued to be dragged by tiny girl.

-

The house was dark, signaling my mom still had not returned. Sawyer turned to Sweet Pea,

“Have dinner with us!” she all but yelled. He stared at her in shock, but smiled.

“You’re sure a demanding kid.” He chuckled. Sawyer simply smiled,

“Well I knew DeeDee wasn’t going to ask. She is wayyyy to nervous.” Her finger tapped her chin and she looked between me and Sweet Pea and then her face lit up,

“She probably thinks you’re cute.” My mouth fell open as I stared at my sister. Sweet Pea threw his head back and laughed. Traitor. Betrayed by my own flesh and blood.

“Sawyer!” I whined. She looked at me and shrugged,

“What? You keep staring at him.” My face must have been the color of a tomato. If she was not my sister I may have already killed her. I looked at Sweet Pea who was watching me with a cocky smile. Great. His ego did not need this.

I silently walked to the front door and unlocked it. Sawyer ran inside as I began turning on all the lights. She went straight to her room. Smart move considering I might strangle her later. Sweet Pea followed behind me into the kitchen. My face was still red, so I started collecting things to prepare dinner. I mumbled something about him sitting wherever. I could not look at him right now. However, I could feel his eyes burning into the back of my head. I became very self-conscious about everything I was doing. There was silence, then I head the kitchen chair slide against the floor and felt a presence behind me.

“You need help with anything-” he bent close to my ear “DeeDee.” I could hear the smile in his voice. I turned around slowly to look him in the eyes. They were a deep brown. I could easily get lost in those eyes. I was also very aware of how close he was standing to me, and that his arms had me trapped. One on either side of me. I took a breath,

“You could set the table.” I said just above a whisper. He nodded and moved away. I let out my breath and turned back to dinner.

Sweet Pea set the table and I dished out the dinner. I called Sawyer and she came bounding down the hallway. She climbed up onto the chair between me and Sweet Pea. Sawyer looked at the empty chair across the table,

“DeeDee where’s mama?” she asked curiously. I felt my face fall slightly.

“She’s still out of town. I’m sure she will be back soon. Eat up kay?” she nodded at me and dug into her food. I glanced at Sweet Pea and he was giving me an unreadable expression. I tore my eyes away from his and started on my own dinner.

After dinner, Sweet Pea helped me clean up and i put Sawyer in front of the TV to watch cartoons. She seemed content enough. Sweet Pea gestured to the door and I followed him outside. I stood by the window, so I could keep an eye on Sawyer. Sweet Pea lit a cigarette and took a long drag. I felt super awkward. I have known this guy for a day and he had already watched me get into a fight, flirted with me and now eaten dinner with me. I turned to look at him,

“I uh…I’m sorry.” I said. He looked at me confused.

“For what?” he asked taking another drag of his cigarette. I shrugged.

“I don’t know. You watched me fight someone, walked me home and now my little sister trapped you into having dinner with us. You haven’t even known me a full day.” I took a breath,

“I’m just sorry if today has been weird.” I gave him a small smile. He finished his cigarette and ground it into the dirt with his boot. He stuck his hands in his pockets and leaned against the house.

“Trust me, ive had weirder days.” He grinned.

“Besides, Toni talks about you a lot so I kind of felt like I already knew you before today.” He said reassuring me. I looked at him,

“Thanks.” I felt myself get a little bolder.

“It was actually nice having extra company. Today is always a hard day.” I looked down at my feet and pushed them into the dirt.

“Today is the anniversary of my Dad’s death, so it is usually a really shitty day.” I continued looking at my feet. He pushed off from the house and walked closer to me.

“I’m sorry to hear that. It’s hard losing a parent.” his voice said somberly. I looked up into his eyes. He was staring directly at me.

“If you ever need to talk or anything I can be a pretty good listener.” He said slightly sheepish. His hand was rubbing the back of his neck. I smiled brightly at him,

“Thank-you, that actually means a lot to me.” I said genuinely. Instantly, his demeaner changed back into its usual cocky self and he grinned,

“Does that mean I can get your number?” I grinned back at him.

“If you want my number then you have to do one thing.” I said challenging him. I pressed myself slightly up against his chest and laid my hand on his jacket. I stretched myself up on my toes and put my mouth to his ear,

“You have to put Sawyer to bed.” He let out a loud laugh and I shoved him playfully. He looked through the window and then back to me grinning.

“You have a deal, DeeDee.”

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­-

After that night, Sweet Pea and I texted back and forth. We would chat idly at school amongst the Serpents.  Occasionally, he would send me that smirk that made my knees week, but I really didn’t know much about him. I opened-up to him about my family, but never revealed who my dad was. He knew my mom was never home and that I cared for Sawyer, with help from FP. A few times Sweet Pea came over to help me look after Sawyer, but he still never opened-up to me.

One night at dinner with FP, I figured I would try and probe for information. I was pushing my Chinese food around with my chopsticks, head propped on my hand, elbow on the table. I glanced at FP who was scarfing his food down. Sawyer was babbling to Rascal and trying to feed him some sweet and sour pork. I cleared my throat, which caused FP to pause his on inhaling his food,

“FP, what do you think of Sweet Pea?” I asked casually, continuing to play with my food. He swallowed his food and wiped his mouth with a napkin.

“He’s a nice kid, loyal to the Serpents.” he replied. Not the answer I wanted. I rephrased my question,

“Yeah…What do you know about him? Does he have like, siblings or anything?” I asked setting my chopsticks down on the warn table. He sighed and leaned back in his chair, folding his arms. His eyes were on the floor and I could tell he was thinking hard. He gave a small shrug and looked at me,

“Well, I know both his parents aren’t around. Not really sure where they are, but he lives with his grandma.” He smiled to himself and gave a light chuckle,

“She’s a firecracker that one. Names Rose I think. Pretty sure she has taken care of Sweet Pea since he was a lil kid.” He glanced at my face trying to read my expression,

“Why the interest kid?” I shrugged my shoulders and leaned both of my elbows on the table.

“No reason. Me and him have just been talking and stuff. He doesn’t talk much about himself so I was just curious.” FP nodded and started to go back to his food, when a little voice piped up,

“Plus, she likes him.” I heard Sawyer giggle. My eyes glared in her direction. This kid was walking on thin ice. FP’s mouth twitched up into a sly smirk.

“I don’t like him Sawyer, he’s a friend.” I huffed folding my arms over my chest.

“Sureeeee.” She dragged out. My face was twisted into a scowl and I was hoping she could feel my annoyance from my side of the table. She stuck her tongue out at me. I heard FP begin to laugh, but immediately covered it with a cough, the smirk never leaving his face. I threw my hands up in defeat and fell back against my chair. I needed to change the subject, fast. I turned my head to FP,

“So, FP where’s my dear cousin? I miss that goof’s face.” I smiled. FP’s smirk faded.

“He uh, doesn’t live here anymore. He was living at the drive-in for awhile, but he’s with Andrew’s now.” He said. I could hear the hint of sadness in his voice. He would never admit it, but he missed Jughead. I gave him a sad smile. Sawyer put her hand on his arm and looked up at him,

“We will live with you Uncle FP.” She gave him a wide smile, which he returned. I swear this kid could cure diseases just with that smile. FP scooped her up and placed her in his lap, facing me.

“Thanks for the offer kiddo, but your mama would miss ya.” I went to agree, but Sawyer beat me.

“Not really, mommy doesn’t come home really.” She said sadly. FP’s eyes shot me a look.

“What doe she mean?” he asked carefully. I felt like the walls were closing in on me, ready to trap me in my chair. My finger nails were digging into my jeans, trying to claw away the panic that was building in my chest. Breathe. I took a deep breath and lifted my eyes to meet FP’s

“Mom hasn’t been home in about two weeks. I don’t think she is coming back.”

[opalesscent]

My review on Riverdale pt. 1

So maybe you can tell that i’m pretty hyped up about Riverdale. The excitement that one of the most beloved comic is turning into a hot drama got to me since i first heard the announcement. I was fully aware that this was going to be like any other teen drama, the dark tone, the tropes and all, and boy, let me tell you..

Let’s start off on why I liked it

Archie, played by KJ Apa, is immensely hot. Like spiced tea with drips of honey. 

Cole Sprouse. My beloved, nerdy baby Sprouse twin that i grew up with. But this time he dyed his hair and turned into an emo dork. So basically me. 

Veronica Lodge, played by Camila Mendes. I love her character from her fierce yet caring persona, to her look, and her backstory. She’s a very intriguing character that you want to follow. And she’s the only good character, as agreed by many critics. (Also, I’m very gay for her)

A murder. All good stories start off with a good ol’ murder!

The retro vibe. Yenno, neon 80s diners, retro cars, sock hops, boogie music and small town teen angsts right?

Now there’s some particular negative things about this series too

 There’s definite incest that has been going on with the Blossom (Bombshell? idk they call Cheryl both and it’s really confusing) twins. Quote “He was my soulmate” referring to Cheryl’s dead twin brother.

There is a teacher-student romance aka statutory rape. 

I mean, it’s hard to know because all these “sophomores��� look as old as the adults themselves. They’re all 19+. But it’s typical for teen dramas to have adult actors play the teen rolls. But tbh they’re not even giving off the teenage vibe. Other shows can pull it off like Eyewitness and Skam but these are total adults playing as 16 year olds. 

The timeline is really weird. We have conversations about internet trolls, references to pop culture and celebrities, but then there’s scenes in neon diners and retro buggy cars and all. The show starts with a Kennedy-esque fashion, and then the adults have their typical 80s parents style, and then you see Veronica looking fly as fuck with modern fashion, modern prom attire, hairstyles, etc. 

The typical teen drama stereotypes are soooooo obvious. I feel like this show is part satire for pointing them out. Quote “You’re Gay. We have to be best friends.”or “Faux lesbian cheerleader try out kiss is so 1980s”. The protagonist is followed by almost every girl, he’s a popular football player who has a soft side because he wants to get into music, brings-his-guitar-to-the-lunch-table kinda guy. The popular, smart, and kind blonde that makes everyone either turned on or envy or both, having an unrequited crush on the protagonist. The glamorous girl that just came from the big city to try and start again in the small town, becoming the competition for the blondy but also a best friend? Frenemies i guess. The queen bee bitch in all white with pearls and hosts the prom after party. The closeted tough jock sneaking around with the said openly gay best friend. The emo yet intellectual, pretentious blogger/writer that sees things in a different point of view, etc. 

This is so different from the Archie comics. Sooooo different. They just copied and pasted the names to basically a Dawson’s Creek reboot. I saw the Archie comics as something very light hearted; something you see on your grocery store newsstand. But then it’s like they took black paint and smeared it over the comics and presto! A groundbreaking new drama series appeared. 

By any means, Riverdale is not groundbreaking at all when it comes to teen dramas. But then again, I’ve only seen the pilot so i praaay that it gets better. I’m really rooting that it will because I really want to be obsessed with this series, seeing it as the new biggest Skam or Eyewitness that i didn’t jump on.  Tomorrow’s the premiere or Ep 2... oh god, godspeed to me. 

[galxpals]

08/18/17 - Bar None

LMAO do I even want to talk about this night though....that is the question 🙃

spent the most amazing/relaxing day at Bowen Island with Ikjot and Dina...I LOVE MY BEST FRIENDS Y’ALL. 

went straight to getting ready as soon as we got in our motel room

...and also went straight into our Rosés, ciders and our muthafuckin’ Tequilaaaaaa shots 

LOL @ our ghetto ass knife for our limes, but praise Iggy for making it work 

let’s just say...the alcohol literally played fucked with my emotions tonight.

after getting those screenshots from Ally, I got in a bummy mood so I decided to drink some more to take my mind off of it...L O L wrong move, Ballsack. 

when you’re lowkey telling Iggy about the screenshots, and Dina calls us out for whispering from the bathroom...like bruh when was your hearing as great as mine?? 

lit level at 9/10- just before leaving, I get a call from Ace asking what Nick’s last name was...and the first thing I asked was “IS MICHAEL GOING.” “Of course.” 🙄🙃😶💢 for. fucks. sakes. 

ended up stepping out for some fresh air, but Iggy followed me...which in turn, became a crying session for myself 

thought I was ready to face Mike- lol nope

really didn’t want to get hurt by JB- lol yikes 

again, this was the alcohol. I swear. 

ENDED UP BAWLING LIKE A MOTHER FUCKING BITCH ON THE WAY TO BAR NONE. 

again x2, this was the alcohol. 

jk it was 1/2 me too 

*SIGH*

ofc as soon as we get to the line up of Bar None, the first person I saw was Mike...but he ran off as soon as he saw me....lol 

*spoiler* the prick kept running away every time he saw me for the duration of the night

....????? are you a fucking bitch, or are you a fucking bitch tho???? hmm? Idiot. 

u just mad cause u infected and I know about it 🤷🏽‍♀️

ASIDE from that nonsense...YO GIRL HAD A BOMB ASS TIME LOL

lost Dina and Iggy at one point for what felt like an hour but decided to leave them to their own thang cause I was lit 

LOL @ the birthday boy for bouncing at 12-1am due to his liver giving up on him (s/o to Aldin for updating a homegirl)

also s/o to Aldin & Adam for the drinks!! 

it was literally Nick’s entire squad/WS/Burnaby South down at Bar None tonight....bruh. 

reunited with Aldin and Nelly!! 

danced with Ace, Ryan, Nelly and...Karn..lmao 

bitch was all up in my grill, why tho? FOH. 

no seriously, fuck. outta. here. 

lost my pandora ring and I’m ngl, I’m genuinely sad 😭

left with the gals and Dunc around 2:30ish and the rest, is history. 

...literally. Let’s try to not re-live this night and the events afterward shall we 🙂🙏🏼

G2G!!! 

- m.d.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BARBER NICK! 😊

tbh I don’t even know how to start this night

it was a fun day at Bowen

everything was fun especially because I didn’t have to lie to my parents about anything!

PHEW! BIGGEST RELIEF OF MY LIFE. (even though I had to take weird ass pics with Dina and May all day and night)

anyways I was planning on getting shittered because of this!

so we have: 

TEQUILA, CIDERS, AND ROSÉS. HELLURRR

so we start drinking to find out ppl who we don’t want there are GONNA BE THERE...bye. (the name that shan’t be named)

anyways May and I were also caught whispering heheheh

as well as getting in trouble by stepping out to talk when Dina could’ve joined haha!

ANYWHO

I’M DRUNK 

ALL MY PHOTOS HAVE DRUNK EYES

SO YEAH.

Dina had a “good buzz going on”

keep in mind I’ve been taking shots alone in the bathroom too 🙄😂

Duncan shows up and helped with our photoshoot

then we headed down!

saw Tyus and EJ across the street

*spoiler alert* Dina dances with EJ

GREAAAAATTT

the night was good!

a lot of people showed up, which was cool

Nick was gone by 12 and puking in the car 😕

Karn was up every girl’s ass

....including my bestfrands.

sooo yeah. Ticked me off a little bit, so I went MIA but no one besides Duncan came looking for me, and yeah...don’t really wanna get into that. 

got into a shitty mood

Dina came out and gave me a pep talk, and told me to make the most of the night and what I had left, since THIS LITERALLY NEVER HAPPENS.

so I did. It was fun I wasn't as buzzed anymore I guess the crying took that away 

LMAO KILL ME!

#teamcrying not #teampuking

yeah I had fun!

May danced with 2-3 guys tbh I can’t remember

Dina...yenno that story already.....

Geordie actually danced with Kaltrina! The rest of the night was fun!

HONESTLY I GOTTA MENTION ONE LAST THING THOUGH.

SHOUT OUT to Teaser for coming and sticking it out the entire night on the couches alone

YOU DO YOU BOO BOO. 😛😛😛

- i.b.

[allthislove]

Insomnia.

K, so, like, if you’re judgemental or you’re gonna unfollow or something, just don’t read, but I gotta... rant... to be able to breathe??? Because I can’t really... talk to anyone... and like, IDK...

K, so I’m mentally ill.

Like, you know, real life mentally ill, not movie mentally ill where either it makes you super good at like solving mysteries or super murdery.

Just regular degular mental illness. The kind where you seem perfectly fine to most people, but like your brain just works weirdly and you, yenno, sometimes want to die, or sometimes are afraid of  l i t e r a l l y  e v e r y t h i n g. 

So, yep, I’m mentally ill. I have OCD, diagnosed, which isn’t as fun as Monk and organized people will have you think. Like, for one, I’m not... organized... I’m super fucking messy and junky. Because that’s how my OCD works, I think. I’m sort of a person who is constantly afraid she’s going to miss something. So, instead of taking two seconds to put something in it’s proper place, I mostly just throw it onto my bed, or on one of the counters. I also think I’m never going to be able to find something if I put it away, so I leave it out because I think “at least I’ll know where it is.” And then that leads to a horribly messy space. The other part of that is, I do like things clean. Really clean. But the problem is, if I don’t clean it enough, I’ll think it’s dirty and then I won’t want to touch it to clean it. Which doesn’t really become a problem, because eventually I just freak and clean everything at once, and like, I couldn’t take a shower or even a piss if my bathroom was too dirty, anyway, because I’d not want to go in there. So, yeah.

But, anyway, I have OCD. And, I often forget. I want to be normal, even though “normal” isn’t really a thing. But I feel normal, and I think I’m normal, and then I’m not, and I start to wonder what’s wrong with me. Because OCD can manifest in ways that aren’t “I like to clean” or “GAHHH, EVERYTHING’S A MESS.”

OCD is the little liar. That’s the name most OCD people give it (or some variation) because that’s what it does. It lies to you. “That girl doesn’t like you.” “You’re really stupid.” “That food is going to make you sick.” “If you pick up that baby, you’ll hurt it.” Shit like that. Sometimes the lies are really, really scary and bad. I’ve been lucky not to have those, much, anymore. But I used to be afraid of knives, because I thought if I touched the knife, I might freak out and stab someone. It doesn’t mean I was going to, or that I wanted to, and that’s the point I think most people don’t get. OCD is a liar. It lies. So, because you’re a good person who thinks stabbing people is wrong, OCD will tell you that you secretly want to stab people just to make you think you’re a horrible person, and you’ll sit there and worry about it for weeks. Months. Years. 

So, sometimes I forget I have this little liar in my head. And I’m realizing some things I do are OCD symptoms.

Like, I’m really afraid for people to think I’m stupid. In any capacity. Which, great, it helped me earn near-perfect grades in undergrad... but also, it makes me do things which I think are annoying or will annoy or even anger other people. Like, I noticed that I overexplain everything. I always have, and I’ve always noticed it. But I thought about it... a couple of days ago. I explain shit. A lot. If I’m saying something, I’ll probably repeat, reiterate, drone on and on, and it’s not because I think the person is stupid or not capable of understanding. It’s generally because I feel stupid, or that someone will think I’m stupid, and I want to get out my whole thought. And then if I don’t get a response, I keep going, hoping to get one, to reassure me that I’m not stupid, annoying, obnoxious, wrong, or whatever. And then after it’s over, after I wrote the 5000 posts or spoke for an hour about cat fur, when the other person’s gone or whatever... I get so embarrassed and I hate myself. 

But it’s OCD. What I’m really doing is checking. It’s the same thing I do when I google symptoms, or I perform mental rituals. I’m checking to make sure you don’t hate me, or think I’m an idiot. (Seriously, being thought of as stupid is a huge thing, for me. I’m not sure why. It really shouldn’t matter to me if someone thinks that, but apparently it does.)

I also think I check social media so much because it’s a form of reassurance. And it’s so numbered that it’s horrible for OCD types like me. “14 likes, 20 replies, 16 likes on your reply” those are just numbers that help me obsess. 

It’s the same with the step counter on my phone. I get legitimately angry with myself if I don’t hit the step goal. And that silly, because it’s arbitrary and doesn’t mean anything. 

I think most of these obsessions also have come about because I’m incredibly stressed, right now. People obsess more when they’re stressed. In fact, most mental illnesses are triggered during times of stress. And, god, I’m stressed. I feel myself withdrawing. I want to stay in my room and watch Netflix, because I can control that. I have grad school coming at me at light speed, I have job interviews because NY living is so expensive that I’ll need a job, even though my department told me not to get one, I have moving to Brooklyn, which is expensive as fuck... bunch of drama around that, as well. And, no one is really checking in on me. And they well should, because every time someone asks me if I’m ready for New York, I say “not really”... and it’s true. I’m not.

Like, I want to go. I do. I just... also don’t. I can’t imagine that being my life, right now. NYC is vastly different from Charlotte/Matthews, where I live. I’ll be riding subway trains and getting ubers and taxis and I’ll have to walk a lot of places, and people keep telling me to be careful of being mugged, and it’s very, very cold there in the winter, whereas here it’s not, so there’s a lot I’m not looking forward to. I wanted to go to UCLA, so I’m still coming to terms with being in New York. And, don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to be going to NYU, and I like New York a lot, and I like Brooklyn, and I’m sure I’ll like living there, once I get my own swing of things. But, you know... It’s a huge change, and I’m kinda scared.

I also... and this is deeply personal, and I never tell anyone shit like this because it’s not popular at all, but I want so badly to get married and have kids. And, like, you guys don’t understand how much that’s not a thing, for me. Like, I haven’t dated at all since I was 19. At. All. IDK if I’m ugly, or weird, or what, but I don’t get dates. And also, I’m biromantic-demisexual, which means sex kinda weirds me out unless I really like the person. (Not the same as “wanting to get to know you.”) And, like, most people my age just fuck. Like, they do it for fun... and I sort of wish that could be me, but also, I can’t see myself fucking for fun, because “demisexual” remember? It doesn’t really make sense to me. Not 100%. And I’m so afraid, literally, to date because I’m terrified that someone will want to have sex. And that’s been my experience. I’ll start sort of talking to someone, and they’ll be like “dicks, amirite? anyway, here’s mine!” and I’m like “GAHHHH!” Then, I sort of hate them. Alternatively, they’re beautiful and perfect and I love them and they think I’m a stump. And I die alone.

So, anyway, I’m getting really old. (Not really, but in my head as a tween, I imagined I’d be married by now.) I’m getting old, and I have no prospects, and I don’t even know how to date as an adult because I haven’t, really. And I’m not a virgin, but I don’t know how to sex, anymore. So, I feel like I’m gonna die alone. Or, I’m gonna end up getting married at 45 to some 57-year-old broker, and I’ll be too old to have biological kids, and it’ll just... IDK, be sad. Like, as of right now, I want kids in the next 5-ish years. I wanna get married in the next 5-ish years. And, probably just OCD or maybe comorbid depression, but I also kinda don’t think anyone would want me. If I’m not ugly, I’m definitely weird. And, like, I see so many people in my age group just stumbling on marriages and kids and partnerships and all the shit I want, and the way they talk about it is so ... like, negative. Like “hahaha, don’t have kids!” or “Girl, wait as long as you can!” or they’re like “hahaha, my fiance is such a jackass,” like... bitch, I want that life, and you out here trashing it. And, I know, grass is greener, too, but... okay, for one, I don’t understand why parents, especially new parents, think it’s cute to tell childless people shit like that. Like, what if I was trying really hard to get pregnant, and your asshole self with your brand new baby is like “Hahaha, girl, you should wait as long as you can to have kids!” Like, no, hoe, that’s rude. (Everyone talks about how you shouldn’t tell people they’ll want kids, but people also do the opposite like when you say “I can’t wait to have kids of my own,” and they’re like “Girl, trust me, yes you can.” Like, don’t do that. Nobody is stupid enough to think having kids is a walk in the park, but a lot of childless people do want kids, and some of us are in the correct age range and desperately want them, and your words could come across as insensitive. You don’t know what 25-40 year old had a miscarriage or has been trying for years, or whatever. Just don’t tell people what they want, let them tell you what they want. But, I’m on a tangent...) 

Anyway, the point is, I’m weird, I’m sort of not okay, right now, and I can’t sleep. Because I’m mentally ill. Which is also probably why I’m single, and will continue to be so.

I also probably have PTSD, but it’s undiagnosed, so there’s that. 

[ranster]

guess who's going to adopt a cat today and name it Chairman meow?