#yelling at myself that I could NOT wreck the car and endanger people over a barely visible spider.

[quinloki]

Surprise spider was surprise two spiders, was a surprise when I was very close to the spiders, was surprise large spiders, was a surprise.

To no one’s surprise, I am terrified of spiders.

It’s a completely unfounded terror. I have no past trauma, no prolonged exposure, no bites or anything, I have just always been violently afraid of all bugs and spider worst of all.

I try to think of them as Guardian Deities, cause I know logically that spiders keep other bugs away, but 😭 I can’t go on my porch. There are spiders. They’re not even by the door. I’m going to be exiting by the garage for the rest of the summer, or the back porch if the garage isn’t safe.

It’s embarrassing to be this afraid of such tiny things but I don’t see this phobia improving after almost 43 years.

[introvertguide]

Bringing Up Baby (1938); AFI #88

The current film on the AFI list is touted as the most screwball of all screwball comedies: Bringing Up Baby, (1938). It is a film that was adapted for the screen with the great Katharine Hepburn in mind. According to the writers, it fit her personality and sense of humor well and, with the addition of a lovable Cary Grant, was the perfect comedy vehicle. And audiences at the time hated it. It was a total flop during its initial box office run, director Howard Hawkes was fired from the studio, and Katharine Hepburn was labeled box office poison to the point that she had to buy out her contract because the studio would not give her any more work. Now the film is celebrated as favored comedy from the old Hollywood era. AFI listed it as the #88 greatest American film and the #14 best comedy film. So is this movie any good? Audiences in different eras disagree so I wanted to find out for myself. First I want to do the usual review of the plot (although this is a screwball comedy and it isn’t intended to make any sense) so let’s get the bold warnings out of the way...

SPOILER ALERT!!! THERE REALLY ISN’T A LOT TO SPOIL IN A SCREWBALL COMEDY BUT I DON’T WANT TO GET YELLED AT!!! PER USUAL, YOU SHOULD JUDGE A MOVIE FOR YOURSELF SO CHECK THE FILM OUT BEFORE READING FURTHER!! Alright, moving on...

The film begins with a bumbling paleontologist named David Huxley (Cary Grant). He is a man consumed by his work, yet he is somehow engaged to be married to a woman that is seemingly obsessed with taking second fiddle to his job. For the past four years, he has been trying to assemble the skeleton of a Brontosaurus but is missing one bone: the "intercostal clavicle". He is also tasked with impressing a potential patron named  Elizabeth Random (May Robson), who is considering a million-dollar donation to his museum.

The day before his wedding, David meets Susan Vance (Katharine Hepburn) while attempting to solicit donations from the lawyer of Ms. Random. Susan callously plays the wrong ball which distracts David from attending to his potential patron and then she stubbornly wrecks David’s car while she tries to get to her own vehicle. Later that night, she distracts David again while he attempts to have a drink with the man from the golf course and the encounter ends up with both characters tending to ripped clothes in public. Susan seems to like to cause trouble and believes that her traits are fun. These qualities soon embroil David in several frustrating incidents.

The next day, Susan's brother Mark has sent her a tame leopard named Baby from Brazil. Its tameness is helped by hearing "I Can't Give You Anything But Love". Susan ignorantly thinks David is a zoologist and manipulates him into thinking she is being attacked by the animal. He does not call the police but goes to Susan and she bullies him into joining her in moving the leopard to her country home. Complications arise when Susan falls in love with him and tries to keep him at her house as long as possible, even hiding his clothes, to prevent his imminent marriage.

David's prized intercostal clavicle is delivered, but Susan's aunt's dog George takes it and buries it somewhere. When Susan's aunt arrives, she discovers David in a negligee. To David's dismay, she turns out to be potential donor Elizabeth Random. A second message from Mark makes clear the leopard is for Elizabeth, as she always wanted one. Baby and George run off. The zoo is called to help capture Baby. Susan and David race to find Baby before the zoo and, mistaking a dangerous leopard from a nearby circus for Baby, let it out of its cage. 

David and Susan are jailed by a befuddled town policeman, Constable Slocum (Walter Catlett), for acting strangely at the house of Dr. Fritz Lehman (Fritz Feld), where they had cornered the circus leopard. When Slocum does not believe their story, Susan decides the best cover would be to tell the police that they are members of gang. This distracts the police long enough to allow her to escape to go and find Baby to prove she and David are innocent. The potential patron Ms. Random comes to the jail to free Susan and is embroiled in the plot when she talks about her leopard and is locked up. Eventually, the lawyer/golf partner  shows up to verify everyone's identity. Susan thinks she found the correct leopard but unwittingly drags the highly irritated circus leopard into the jail. David saves her, using a chair to shoo the big cat into a cell.

Some time later, Susan finds David working on his dinosaur skeleton alone. He was dumped by his fiancée because of Susan and he is now single. He did not get the donation but finds that Random gave the money to Susan and now Susan wants to donate the money to the museum. David confesses that his time with Susan was the best time he has ever had and that he loves her. At this point, Susan inadvertently destroys the dinosaur that David has worked on for 4 years because she won’t listen to David’s warnings. He gives up and kisses Susan, resigned to the life that will come with loving this woman. The end.

After watching this film, I did some research and I can see why Hepburn was labeled box office poison following this movie. She apparently ruined many of the takes for this film which cost a lot of money. What is more, the director and the lead actors had overtime clauses in their contracts so everyone was paid about double what was initially agreed upon because of the actors fooling around. The film might have broken even or perhaps had a modest gain, but Hepburn caused extra costs to the production to the point of major financial loss. This was a point of lean times in America, so an actor that commanded hefty pay, caused expensive delays, and did not draw in a big audience was poison to a studio. She obviously went on to do great things for film and this work was eventually embraced by audiences, but Katharine Hepburn needed to be humbled and the reaction to this movie did just that. 

I was surprised that there was a real leopard (tame of course, but still) on set with the actors. There were some shots in which the actors were filmed separately from the animal and everything was overlaid, but there were many scenes with the actors directly interacting with the leopard. Most famously, Hepburn’s character was talking on the phone while the leopard walked around her legs and the animal started to get rough with her feet. If you watch Hepburn’s face closely, she is not smiling but has darting eyes watching closely over the big cat. Apparently, the leopard lunged at Hepburn at first meeting and she did not really like the animal.

So let me get to the point of my personal feelings about the movie. I have watched it twice for this review: once straight forward and once with commentary by Peter Bogdanovich. I have looked at the reviews as well. It didn’t help. I and both my parents hated this movie. We have watched 41 movies on the AFI top 100 so far and this has been unanimously our least favorite. We do not like screwball comedies and this is famously “the most screwball of all screwball comedies.” I will not say that this film is bad because it obviously has a ton of fans, but I subjectively hated it. Let me explain before I get the hate mail.

Susan Vance is my kryptonite. She is a bullying socialite that does not care about anyone but herself and only does what she wants. She is manipulative towards a guy that just wants to build his dinosaur, and she wrecks his relationship, affects his job, ruins his car, endangers his life, and destroys his work. For some reason, in the movie world he falls in love with her for it. Susan Vance is the kind of person that has affected people negatively since forever. I guess it is funny because it is relatable? “Yeah, I have had my life ruined by human bulldozers like that. Wouldn’t it be funny if that person took a personal interest in plaguing me at every turn?” I am an introverted nerd and I have been harassed by the Susan Vances of the world. I don’t find them funny and actively avoid people like Susan Vance. I don’t want to see them in my movies, especially as the hero/love interest.

What hurt me was that Katharine Hepburn was apparently like this in her behavior at the time. She would talk off camera during filming and ruin takes. She would ad lib lines that she thought were funny and goof around with Cary Grant costing the studio hundreds of thousands and lots of lost time. It sounds like she was simply oblivious to the efforts of others. Her behavior as an actress and the character in the movie should not be rewarded. In film world, this bull in a china shop still gets her man. In the real world where a nation is recovering from a devastating financial crisis and facing a possible world war, nobody wants to see that garbage. As was appropriate, everybody got fired and the audience did not want to shell over their money. I am glad the film flopped and say it was deservedly so.

OK. I got that off my chest so let me now set aside my personal bias and answer the standard questions more objectively. Does this film belong on the AFI 100? Yes. It is maybe the best example of the screwball comedy of the 30s and, according to the Bogdanovich commentary, is a great example of the quick pace dialogue with double meaning that defined the time. I also think it is good to remember what happens when actors completely disregard their employers and their audience. Even the great Katharine Hepburn had to make a comeback when her audience turned on her. The placement of the film very low on the list seems appropriate to me as well. So then...would I recommend it? Subjectively, heck no. I found the movie frustrating to the point of being angry. Objectively, yes. A lot of people find whacky antics funny and any fan of shows like The Honeymooners or I Love Lucy and movies with The Three Stooges or The Marx Bros would likely enjoy this film. It has a 90% audience rating on Rotten Tomatoes and Roger Ebert called it one of the 102 movies to see before you die since it is a perfect example of the genre. It seems like a movie most people would enjoy. Let me back pedal slightly and note that I have full respect for people who enjoy the film and I am glad cinema brings you some laughs. However, I hate the film with a passion and never plan on watching it again.

[dontdietwd]

Day 219

TRIGGER WARNING for impacting death.

Contrasting with the heat I’d felt inside the car with my dream, it was chilly outside the morning after we found the Morales’. There’d been a solid, heavy sadness inside my chest as I opened the back door and let my legs fall outside. My throat was tight and I just wanted to go back to sleep. Maybe I’d dream of him again.

God, I hoped he was alive.

Please, don’t die…

But as always, stuff happened to take my mind off it. That morning, in came as the sound of barking. Loud, thunderous barking, clearly from a large dog. I got out of the car to look around just as the others did too, we all looking at each other trying to understand it. Seconds later, the barking stopped and we saw it. The dog was running towards us, fast, looking back over its muscular shoulder twice.

Oh, for fuck’s sakes, don’t make me kill a dog! Walkers, fine. People? If I have to. But a dog?!

But it didn’t attack us as we’d been prepared for, all weapons ready. It stopped and turned looking to where it had come and as if on cue, a herd showed from behind that huge pile of wrecked cars. Like twenty, thirty of them. The dog, smart thing, didn’t bark again, just stood there nervously, pacing and looking around at the living people it had found.

“Let’s move!!” I yelled at all the others from where I was standing at the side of my car and moved to close the back door. Before I could, though, the dog had sprinted over, startling me like hell – damn, that was a big dog – and jumped into the car, crashing loudly against the inside of the opposite door.

With the herd coming I had no time to make any decision. I closed the back door, trapping the dog inside, and opened the driver’s, hopping in and turning on the car. I looked back over my shoulder to reverse the car and the dog was there, breathing hard with its tongue out.

“Please don’t attack me!” I told it and reversed.

Our five cars – including the truck with all the metal scraps and Morale’s white van – got out of the junkyard, the walkers nearly catching up, but we left them behind quickly. My heart was pounding; it all had happened do fucking fast! I had been sleeping, like, two minutes ago and now I was accelerating on the road back home with a huge, bulk gorgeous dog on the back seat.

“Holy fuck!” I let it out, and as if I was calling the dog, it placed its large head right by mine between the seats and started smelling my face. It had a terrible breath, seriously, but I did nothing, I let it smell me and it didn’t seem threatening. So as I drove I lifted a hand to it, letting it smell me there too. It did for a moment, then stopped, passed between the seats, flopped down the passenger seat and started panting with the tongue out, it’s face looking adorably like it was smiling.

“Well, hello!” I caught myself speaking sweetly to the bulk dog as I reached out to pet the large head. “How the hell did you end up here?”

If it had an owner, I was sorry, but there was no way I was going back there to look for someone. Too many walkers, I wasn’t endangering myself and my group to reunite a dog with its owner. But taking a better look at it, I saw it was muscular but simply because it was probably a trait of the breed, because I could see its ribs and how thin it was on the sides. It’d probably been out there for a long time.

“Hey, you a boy or a girl?” I tried to see, still petting it, looking from the road to the dog repeatedly, and I was able to take a look. “A girl, alright! There you go, we girls gonna stick together then, right?”

She had a short, light brown coat with a large white spot on her neck going down her chest. Her head was huge, similar to a pit bull’s, her ears were cut to make them pointy and her eyes were a beautiful honey brown. And she was huge, really too thin in the middle for her size.

We took over one hour to get back home. During this time, the dog had slid from her seat to my lap, where she laid and let me pet her all the way back home. It was like she was starving attention, as well as food, most likely, and she basked on the attention. Shit, I had a dog now! She jumped out of the car just a moment after me and followed me around as I walked over to talk to the others.

“Welcome home, Morales family!” I told Mo and Miranda as they got out of the white van. “This is it,” I gestured around, at the opening, at the first houses we’d been staying in and down the street.

“Wow...” Mo said looking around. “This is amazing, Sam…”

“Well, it’s good, ain’t amazing yet. There’s lots of work to do yet, first thing will be to set the gate.”

“Yeah, I see why it’s so important,” he says eyeing the big opening. “If I can see the projects I think I can start working on it right away.”

“Have a rest first, ok? You two can pick a house for you, just stay close to the others, there’s one right on the corner down there,” I pointed to the end of the main street. “It’s already cleared of walkers. After we clear them all you can pick any house you want.”

Then I introduced them to Will and Mikki, who were a bit wary but welcomed them. By now the dog had also been welcomed by everyone. She was the clear image of what people call a gentle giant. She let everyone pet her, licked their hands, and only after a while she took off to look around, smell the place, probably pee all over.

When the Morales’ drove their van slowly to the corner so they could unpack the little belongings they had on the corner house, I sat on the steps of the house I’d been sharing with Merle, Michonne and Andrea to have something to eat. The dog sat right in front of me, never trying to take the food, but staring with huge puppy eyes, so I got back into the house to get her a bowl and in there I emptied two cans of tuna. Going back outside, I put it down and she tried to get to it immediately.

“Wait!” I told her and he stopped instantly, sat on her heels and looked up at me, expectantly. Uh, interesting. Whoever her tutor had been, she was a well-trained girl. I allowed her to eat after a second and she swallowed all the tuna in no more than two bites. Damn, it was gonna take a lot of food to maintain her. I decided to call her Honey because of her eyes, and because I had never seen a dog named Honey.

Now it’d been oven a month since she came home with us, since the Morales’ were here. With a group of eight, one elder and one dog, we were building a place to call home. The gate was functional, Morales had done an incredible job in partnership with Merle and Mikki, and now it was a tall, sturdy metal gate that slid sideways and had strong locks. Also, we’d built a wooden platform where we could climb up and watch the whole entrance and outside area, it was where people kept guard at all times in a scale.

After I filled Honey’s bowl with her dog food, I had a cup of unsweetened coffee and a bowl of oatmeal with raisins for breakfast, and was out of the house through the back door with the first day light. Honey took off to take her morning pee as I stood for a minute looking at the lake.

A deep breath, hand on my stomach, a grounding moment to face the day.

I had already picked my own house and was living alone there. Each one of us had our own space, except for Will and Mikki who shared the house with Ma, and the two Morales’. Merle had stayed in the one we’d shared in the beginning, Morales and Miranda decided not to move from the first one they stayed in at the corner. Across from them at the corner and by Merle’s, Michonne had picked hers. Andrea was her neighbor on that street, the one the circled the lake area. As for myself, I’d chosen a more isolated one. The street around the lake area was a big circle that covered most part of the community and returned to the corner of the main street. In it, a few small streets originated, little cul-de-sacs, and mine was at the very end of one of them, its back to the lake, lots of trees all around, and it was quiet. The house was a one bedroom, trailer like, the front door opened to a living room with a good couch. The living room was separated from the kitchen by a small counter, this was also small but had lots of cabinets, and I had gas and running water. By the kitchen there was a small 4 seat table. Ahead there was a tiny corridor with a door to the bathroom and another to the bedroom, which took the entire back area of the house. A double bed, a dresser and a wall mirror, and that was all. It was smaller than the one I’d live in for so many years in Savannah, but it was better. It was mine.

Honey came back to me after doing her morning routine and after a pet on her large head – the girl had been gaining weight and now looked even stronger than she did before; she surely was intimidating - I started my morning walk. I had taken on doing it every day before going to the entrance of the community were all the others lived. I walked among the trees around the lake, taking a look at the fruit ones – we were not in season, so no fresh fruit for a while. Reaching the back hedge of the community, I walked along it, checking if it was all okay, including the little gate which locks we’d reinforced, and then went back to the street, circling the whole community. I went to take a look at the coop construction, which seemed nearly done, all we’d need now was the chickens, and at the vegetables garden, where we’d been growing a few things from the seeds we looted from a gardening store – an imitation of what we’d done before at our first house.

Things were good here. We needed more people, of course, and there sure were enough houses to call it a town one day. We’d named it simply The Village, because it had been the official name of the place we’d found on the projects at the office. The Village Mobile Home Park had been the planned official name before the investments had been cut off and it went on without even being named. Lots of people had lived here though, even without the concretion of the self-sustainable community plans. The Village needed a population, needed more people to work on the land and the security and on building up for the future.

It needed my original group.

We all had well defined jobs. Morales was responsible for planning and executing constructions. He’d made the gate, the platform, was working on the chicken coop, and he’d been drawing the plan for build a brick wall around the Village, just inside of the hedges. He had help of all others to perform the constructions.

Miranda, the sweet, God sent woman, had nursing experience and she was taking care of everyone’s health. Every other day one of us would get hurt by something and the was the one to take care. She took inventory of the medicine we brought home, controlled stock, cleanliness, she’d medicate and bandage us and even the dog, who once got a huge splinter on her paw and needed care. Miranda had been monitoring my baby’s growth, would listen the liquids and blood flow with a stethoscope, measure my belly weekly, made sure I took the little vitamins we’d been able to find around. She was very dedicated. We had transformed one of the houses in an infirmary – it was the one across the street from Michonne’s place – and Miranda took great care of it.  

Merle was responsible for security, and the irony was never lost on me because he was doing the job Shane once had done. And he was good, I don’t think he’d ever known he could be good at something like this. Even with all things considered, back in the previous life Merle would have been a hell of a good cop if he’d wanted to. He took care of the watch schedules – always one person up the platform and another circling the inside of the Village’s hedges in three-hour shifts – and the organization, maintenance and stock of all weapons. He also went out once a week to go hunting and sometimes stayed out for as long as two days, and would rarely come back without any meat for us all.

Andrea was a valuable assistant to various parts. She helped Miranda at the infirmary when it was needed, then helped Merle with the planning for security, then Morales with the projects, and she even helped keep to take care of Ma – who was now believing she was her daughter and adored her company. Also, surprisingly, Andrea was the best cook among all of us, although Miranda was great competition, and she was getting a taste in cooking family meals for everyone every now and then.

Michonne took care of the runs. She was always out there, she’d decorated the area maps in her head and would show me all her plans for runs, telling me exactly where she’d be and where she was planning to go next. Someone would always go with her for safety and so they’d be able to carry more stuff. She always brought the most different sorts or cargo. Once she brought us a whole set of walkie radios, with spare batteries and all, and we now used them to communicate inside the Village and small distances outside too. There were also baby clothes and bottles and cans of formula, even a disabled crib, a stroller and a baby bath. She brought clothes, towels, bed cloths, blankets, pillows, washcloths, toiletries, cleaning products, furniture, mattresses, wires, ropes, seeds, seedlings, all kinds of canned and dried foods, candy treats, weapons, ammo, arrows, once she even came back with a military armor. She was good in recognizing the hide spots of stores, the underground or attic storage rooms nobody had looted yet. There was a maximum security prison nearby, just around 9 miles away through the main roads that Michonne wanted to go take a look. She’d seen it from far and it was totally infested by walkers. If all the inmates had turned while in there the inside must be the proper sight of hell. She believed we could find valuable stuff in there, mostly weapons and armor, but she was reluctant to try.

Mikki took care of the general maintenance of the Village. She’d worked with the landlord before the end and she knew this place like her own hand. She kept the water pumps going, and with Morales had made sure the solar panels were working. It was not a lot of energy, just enough to have the lights on at night in the houses, to turn on the electrical stoves, keep a small refrigerator going, and to have warm showers every couple of days. It was incredible. Mikki was also always checking on the fences, plumbing and anything else that broke or needed repair.

Her brother Will could never get involved in too much because he was the primary care taker of their elder mother, but he did take guarding shifts at the platform, sometimes went out with Michonne on runs and helped the others on small necessary things.

And as for myself… I was the leader. I knew how to do everything the others did, and what I hadn’t known, I was learning. I made the decisions and gave orders and approved or disapproved ideas, and they all heard me. I was overseeing the whole Village and I knew constantly everything that was going on inside the walls and with each one of the family. These days, however, almost thirty-four weeks pregnant, I was slowing down, even though I didn’t want to. I got tired easily, my back hurt, the heartburns were killing me and my feet looked like loaves of bread in the end of the day. The others wouldn’t let me carry heavy things, walk too much, and Merle was insisting I’d let the crossbow go at least until I was back on my feet after the baby came. I did not let go of my crossbow, though. Never.

 * * *

 I was training Honey. She was a great learn, seemed always eager to pick up new tricks. She was unbelievable in her obedience to me. I’d had no experience with dogs at all, so it couldn’t be a talent of mine. I was sure Honey had belonged to someone who’d trained her before, so she was used to commands and following them. She’d chosen me to be her leader now, and I adored it. Honey was a huge, muscular American Bully, absurdly smart and a total sweetheart. Now I was with her near the lake among the trees testing a few commands. She was playing around, sniffing trees and stuff, and I gave her two short, quick sharp whistles. She immediately ran to my side and stopped there, facing the same way I was. Then I pointed to the ground, leaning down just a bit, which made her lie down. Then I walked away and she stayed, eyes always on me, but unmoving. I gave her the two whistles again and she ran to my side. Such a good girl!

My radio came to life on my waistband just then, static preceding the message.

“Goldilocks, I need ya at the gate pronto,” it was Merle’s voice. “We got company,” I was already moving, Honey on my heels, as he continued. “Hell, gotta have ya’ll nearby just in case.”

Shit.

I took the last few yards by running and quickly climbed up the platform where Merle was planted, looking outside. Sure enough, there was a group of four men outside, ragged and thin as all of us still living people must look like these days.

“What you want?” I asked instantly, observing each of them.

“We’re starved!” the one upfront said. “Please…”

Well, they did look starved. “You name?”

“It’s Charlie, ma’am,” he said humbly. “These are Tom, Phil and Nick.”

Each one of them nodded at me the mention of their name. I thought those names sounded made up.

“Where ya coming from?”

“We were trying to get to the coast, see if there was help there. Before tried Fort Benning.”

Silence. I looked back and behind me to share a look with Andrea, who was standing down there with a .12 in her hands. What if, after all, my group had decided to go there? If they didn’t know Shane killed me because of the Fort Benning idea, they may have tried it.

“What was it like there? Fort Benning?”

“Was down, ma’am. Exploded and overrun. Corpses wanderin’ around all over.”

“Did it seem recent? Or down for a long time?”

“Uh… I’d guess a long time, ma’am. There was no fire nor smoke, just the burned building and the corpses. Pro’ly a long time.”

Please tell me they never went to Fort Benning…

I nodded gravelly at the man. I needed to check if they were safe, I’d been thinking how I’d deal with a situation like this for a while now. At some point somebody was bound to find us, ask for help, to want in, it just took a while for it to happen.

“You armed?” I asked.

“Uh… Just the knives. Gotta have’em these days.”

I nodded again. Sure, he was right. “Did you cross too many of them?”

“Yes… Many of them.”

“So you know how to deal with them?”

“We mostly avoid’em, run… But when we gotta, yeah. We know how to deal with’em.”

“What about people?”

“Ma’am?”

“People out there. How do you deal with’em?”

“Uh… Uh… We, uh…”

Man, if for him answering to this question was so fucking hard I knew I wouldn’t like the answer. But as he stuttered, another one of them, I guess I’d seem him nod at the name Nick, took a step forward and said, “We do what we gotta do, miss,” his voice was more sure and more firm than Charlie’s. “How we kept alive so far.”

Fuck.

“And care to tell me what is it that you gotta do?”

“People you find wandering around there don’t share… Miss. Sometimes what separated us from death was the things people didn’t want to share.”

“You mean you took things,” I said to confirm. “And killed’em?”

“I know you’ll understand, Miss. Can’t have a place like that and not take things and deal with’em out there.”

Holy shit, this was getting dark. I just nodded, as if I thought what he was saying was normal, and he continued.

“If you let us stay we will do it for ya. Work, I mean. We’ll earn our keep.”

Merle leaned down, resting his hands on the top of the fence on the hedge, staring right at them. He had a smile on his lips and was nodding, then looked sideways at me and gave me his opinion by shaking his head minutely. I obviously was thinking the same he was. So I looked back at them.

“You hungry, we’ll get you a bag with some provisions,” and I looked back at the street where the others were and nodded at Will, who nodded back and ran into the first house right there, where we kept out stock. “But ya can’t come in.”

“Ma’am?” Charlie said again, a plead in his eyes.

“We don’t take strangers in. This is a closed community.”

“But, ma’am –”

“We’ll work for you!” the other said. “Whatever we gotta do.”

“You not once offered your services to help with maintenance, cleaning, lookouts… Ya offered me your services to steal from and kill from people out there. Ain’t the kind of service I’m interested in.”

“No! I said whatever we gotta do, if what we gotta do is cleaning then we’ll do it.”

“I’ve made my decision.”

Will came back with a heavy bag and I turned around to climb down the stairs making a gesture for Morales to open the gate and I took the bag from Will. I walked out with it hanging on my shoulder. Up on the platform and behind me, I heard all the others’ weapons getting cocked, ready. I stopped in front of Charlie and Nick and slid the bag from my shoulder and handed it to them. Charlie took it, placed it on the floor and opened it, his companions coming to look over his shoulder.

“That all?” Charlie said.

“You’re kidding me?” Nick said from his side.

Oh, motherfuckers. The bag was not bad at all! There were at least fifteen varied cans inside and about ten bottles of mineral water. It was certainly gonna help the get along until they could find some more.

“Keep complainin’ and I’ll take it back,” I told him.

Nick straightened his back with a can in his hand and I saw so much hate in his eye that my hand closed over the handle of my pistol. This seemed to anger him even more, to the point of desperation, because even with at least four weapons cocked and pointed at him, Nick striked, a knife quickly sliding from his sleeve to his hand. My reflex got me turning my torso to the side because his knife was plunged right towards my belly.

He’d seen it. He saw my pregnant belly and was so… Indescribably son of a fucking bitch that he tried to stab me there.

Not fast enough. Caught by surprise, not fast enough.

I turned but not enough by inches. The blade cut though the left side of my stomach and stuck in there. It was all very confusing after that. I heard shots, many of them, and then all the man in front of me fell dead on the asphalt, and then I was falling myself, shocked by what had just happened, paralyzed from fear and pain. Terror like nothing I’d ever felt before, comparable to the feeling of Shane strangling me, swooped into my veins, making me cold, frozen. And then I was getting carried away, people were screaming all around me but I didn’t hear a word, the world around me a blur of color and sound, but nothing was felt anymore, just the cold, solid terror for by baby.

Then I was in a high bed and Miranda and Andrea were all over me checking the stab, trying to figure where it had hit me, if the baby was fine. I could barely breath, waiting for a signal that it was all fine because if it wasn’t I would ever breathe again.

Time had no measure anymore because it felt like an eternity and like just a few seconds until they decided it hadn’t hit me anywhere vital nor on the baby. I have no idea how they got to that conclusion, but then they were taking the knife off and it hurt like a motherfucker, making me scream and try to get away, but hands of other people kept holding me know, saying it would be fine, calm down, but I was out of my mind in pain and still shocked and panicking from the stab.

Merle was there, holding my face in his hands, and told me firmly that I was fine, wasn’t too hurt and that the baby was fine. The baby’s fine, he repeated over and over, trying to get to my head, Slowly, he did and I stopped struggling, letting Miranda and Andrea work cleaning and stitching the cut, that apparently had only been superficial.

Apparently I had turned quickly enough, after all.

I kept repeating it like a mantra in my mind, I’m fine, the baby’s fine, but convincing my body was another whole thing. Things were calmer around me again, everyone relieved it hadn’t been bad, when the first pain came. I doubled over, sitting up and then the panic around started again, nobody understood what was happening.

Miranda said it could be just a natural reaction of my body to the stress, that I needed to calm down, relax, get it past, get some sleep, and it might be over, but I’d need to be closely observed so someone would stay with me tonight. I was taken back home and my sisters started taking shifts watching me, and I knew even when one of them wasn’t there, they weren’t sleeping. Michonne, Andrea and Merle were around all the time, watching me as pain after pain it came back, never fading, just getting closer together. Miranda came back when it was clear it was not just a stressful reaction.

I was in labor.

I was in labor.

Painful, sharp contractions every fifteen minutes, and then every ten. At less than eight months of pregnancy. No, no, no… Too soon! To fucking soon. But they kept coming, and Miranda checked me and… God, the worry in her eyes when she removed her hand from me. There was fear and sadness there when she told me I was getting dilated, ready for birth.

I was in early labor.

He was coming. The baby was coming and he wasn’t ready, I knew he wasn’t ready. He’d gone through too much, he needed as much time inside as he could have to be ready to be born, he could not come out now. He wasn’t ready, please, please, he ain’t ready!

Michonne didn’t leave anymore. She sat with me in bed, held my hand, and didn’t leave me alone for any second. Right there too, was Honey, lying on the mattress with me and whining, knowing something was wrong. When the pain was gone she’d come near for me to pet her, trying to give me some comfort.

I was incoherent, my thoughts all over the place and in a pain I hadn’t imagined. I hadn’t allowed myself to think about labor because I was scared of it. With no resources, no medications, no hospital, anything could go wrong, so I just avoided thinking of it. And it was all happening now.

Merle came and went, pacing all over the house and around it, but when my contractions seemed to never go away anymore and Miranda measured me again, he stayed. It was time. My boy was coming. Merle sat behind me to keep me propped up and Michonne held my hand and encouraged me. I sweat, screamed, hit Merle’s legs and squeezed Michonne’s fingers and cursed with all the words I knew.

It took no more than three hours from the first pain to the moment he came out. He came out. My baby was born. Miranda held him, cleared his airways, pat his back and got him to finally, finally, God, whimper.

He didn’t cry. He whimpered.

Miranda lifted him and showed him to us all. My boy… He was so small, so tiny, a wrinkled little thing and he was whimpering, his little chest working hard, trying, trying so hard… I reached out for him and she handed him over. I rested him on my chest, liquid and blood all over and someone placed a sheet on top of him…

And I cried. I cried because I knew.

I had a baby and he was right here, real, he existed. I looked down at him, his little face, held his tiny hand between the tips of my fingers and spoke to him, rocking back and forth. Merle got up from behind me and was looking at the baby and at me and Michonne was crying by my side, but I didn’t look at anyone, I didn’t lift my sight from him even for a second.

I looked at him for his entire life.

I kissed his head, is hands, I talked to him. I love you, my angel. You’re loved. You’re beautiful. My little angel, my precious little boy. I love you so, so much…

I held him in my arms during his entire life.

I had suffered and cried painfully many times in my life. Many times in the past few months. But nothing had ever, nor ever would again, hurt this much. Nothing had ever hurt and would never hurt me as much as the second I realized, a couple of hours later, that he wasn’t there anymore. That he’d stopped breathing, losing the fight.

He fought. He fought hard, my brave little warrior. He fought his entire life. He was held and loved for his entire life.

 * * *

 Mich and Andrea washed me like they’d do to a baby. I was limp, just letting them. The cleaned me, dressed me, took me to bed. I don’t think it was my bed, it was some other one, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t care, I fell asleep.

Woke up to Miranda checking on me and Merle making me drink some water. He said something, I didn’t register. Woke up again to Michonne petting my hair, saying I had to eat something. Woke up again to Honey licking my hand, trying to get me up. Woke up again to Andrea forcing spoons of broth on me. Woke up again feeling I needed to pee. Woke up again when I peed all over myself. Woke up when they took me to shower again.

No matter how much I wished I wouldn’t, I kept waking up.

It was hell, I didn’t want to wake up anymore. I don’t know what day it was, how long it’d been, I just knew he wasn’t there anymore.

He was nowhere, he was not inside my womb, he was not in my arms.

What was I even alive for?

[ruthlessribbons]

The Martyr

Chapter 6: Useless

Also on Ao3

Hey guys! Sorry I'm late with this update... life has been, so so fun.

This was chapter was a little more difficult for me to write so I hope you guys enjoy it!

“Cat? Cat Noir!” called a voice.

Cat Noir’s eyes slowly opened, searching for the voice that was summoning him. His vision was blurry and his head was pounding but he thought he could make out the image of Ladybug crouched over him, face riddled with concern.

What happened? Cat thought.

As his vision cleared, he looked around to see bystanders all throughout the street, watching as Ladybug crouched over him, trying to wake him up.

“Cat are you okay?” Ladybug asked, helping him to sit up.

“Of course, M’Lady,” Cat replied, rubbing the back of his head. “Just trying to remember what happened. What happened to the Akuma?”

Before Ladybug could answer they heard the sound of camera’s going off, taking photos of the scene in front of them. Ladybug frowned, pulling Cat to his feet.

“Let’s go somewhere private first,” she insisted.

Cat Nodded, and followed as she jumped to the rooftops, quickly finding a quite place in an alleyway about a block away from the Cafe.

Landing in the alleyway, Cat turned to Ladybug, who wore a stone-like expression on her face.

“So, what happened?” Cat asked again.

“Half way through the fight,” Ladybug began, looking down towards to ground. “The Akuma threw a car each at the both of us, and instead of saving yourself, you extended your baton to push me out of the way, letting yourself get crushed under the car that was thrown at you.”

That’s right, Cat thought. I didn’t have a choice.

Ladybug was still recovering from being thrown across the street by the Akuma, and wasn’t going to be able to react in time to avoid the car. He was too far away to reach her himself but Cat’s baton had incredible extension speed. He was lucky that his baton reached her when it did, otherwise Ladybug may have been taken out of the fight, which would have been bad for all of Paris.

“Well at least it ended well,” Cat said. “That could have been a wreck.”

Ladybug’s eyes shot up, staring Cat Noir down with an icy glare that could cause even the bravest of heroes to tremble in fear.

“M’Lady—”

“Don’t you ‘M’Lady’ me Cat,” Ladybug spat.

“What?” Cat said, taken aback.

“I thought you may have died!” she exclaimed. “That car hit you with such force that I thought I may have actually lost you this time!”

“Ladybug, you know I’m not going anywhere,” Cat assured her, reaching out to her.

“That’s not the point Cat!” she said, batting his hand awar. “Every time this happens you make it out like its no big deal. Like it’s a joke!”

“I don’t think it’s a –”

“Do you think I like watching you take hit after hit? Do you think I enjoy having to fight Akuma’s on my own? How many more times are you going to recklessly sacrifice yourself for me?”

“I’m just—”

“I just don’t understand why you don’t look after yourself more. Why you always have to throw yourself between me and any type of danger.”

“Ladybug calm down—”

“Do NOT tell me to calm down Cat. I was afraid you had actually died this time. Do you know what it would do to me if I had lost you? Do you?”

Cat Noir stared at her, dumfounded and unable to form a response as tears welled up in her eyes. Guilt flooded through him as he took in the weight of her words.

“I’m sorry M’Lady,” he said softly.

“Sorry? That’s it? That’s all you have to say?” she replied coldly, after a few moments of silence. “That’s your response to what you put me through?”

“I’m just trying to protect you,” Cat said calmly.

“Well if you spent less time recklessly sacrificing yourself then maybe I wouldn’t understand why half of Paris believes that you’re just a useless liability!” she yelled.

Cat froze, watching as her hands shot up to her mouth, fully aware of what she had just said. Cat’s expression slowly turned blank, careful to hide any emotion, as regret fully enveloped Ladybug’s eyes.

“You think I don’t know what the people of Paris think?” Cat asked softly.

Ladybug took a step back, afraid of the sudden change in Cat's demeanor.

“I hear what they say, know what they think,” Cat continued, an iciness creeping into his voice. “I know they just see me as just some stupid sidekick who either gets in the way or offers no help.”

“Cat—”

“I know that many of them think that Rena, Carapace or even Queen Bee would make a better partner than me. Hell, I have heard that so often that it’s made me question myself sometimes.”

Cat watched Ladybug’s lips quiver as her gaze drifted towards the ground, feeling the full weight of Cat’s words.

“The only thing that kept me believing that I was right for this job, was that I thought that you at least believed in me Ladybug,” Cat said.

“But I do—”

“Then why would you say that!?” Cat snapped, no longer able to contain his emotions.

“I didn’t mean to say that,” Ladybug pleaded. “I was just upset and I—”

“Couldn’t keep it in anymore?”

“No! I just don’t understand why you risk so much to protect me!”

“Because I have to!”

“Don’t let your feelings for me cloud your judgement Cat.”

Cat Noir blinked, taking a step back, offended by by her comment.

“Don’t insult me,” he whispered. “This has nothing to do with how I feel.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, the fire returning to her voice. “Because I see no other reason that you would constantly endanger yourself.”

“Because if Paris loses you, then that’s it! We lose!” he yelled. “Paris needs you! Without you there is no cure to reverse the damage. Without you we can’t cleanse the Akuma. Without you Hawkmoth wins. Every risk I take is to ensure that that never happens!”

Cat paused for a moment, watching as his words sunk in.

“You’re right,” he continued. “Half of Paris thinks I’m a liability. So, if I was lost, Paris would survive. Paris would move on. Hell, Paris might not even notice. But you? Paris needs you. It needs Ladybug. You’re their symbol of hope. And my job is to ensure that Paris never has to go through that.”

“Cat—”

“All I can do is destroy. I can’t fix things like you can. I can’t even inspire people the way you can. So maybe you’re right. Maybe I am just a useless liability. But at least I can stop Paris from having to endure a future that doesn’t involve you.”

Ladybug opened her mouth to respond but was cut off by the familiar beeping of her earrings, warning her that she was going to transform back soon.

“Well I guess that my cue,” Cat said softly, turning to leave.

“Cat wait!” Ladybug said, grabbing his arm.

Cat froze, waiting for her to speak, but not daring to look at her.

“Do you think I would be able to survive if you were gone?” she asked softly. “Don’t you think I would notice?”

“I always thou--,” he started to reply, hesitating. 

Ladybug took a step closer, hoping to get through to him.

“I don't know anymore.” he sighed, still refusing to look at her. “I just... maybe you are better off without me."

Pulling his arm free, he launched himself onto the rooftops, leaving Ladybug standing there alone.

Marinette had transformed back shortly after Cat Noir had left the alleyway. She had stood there for almost 40 minutes afterwards, waiting, half hoping he would come back, knowing deep down though, that he wouldn't.

Great job Marinette, she thought. You just hurt your best friend.

“Cat Noir will be okay,” Tikki said, flying up in front of Marinette’s face.

“I’m not so sure about that this time Tikki,” Marinette replied, still fighting back tears.

“He’s a tough kid,” Tikki assured her. “He’ll get through this.”

“I can’t believe I said that to him,” Marinette said, falling to her knees and burying her face in her hands.

“You didn’t mean to,” replied Tikki, flying down to meet her gaze.

“I made him think I didn’t have faith in him!” Marinette exclaimed. “He’s my partner and he thinks that I don’t believe in him!”

“You were upset, and scared at the thought of losing him. We all say things we don’t mean when we are upset.”

“But now he thinks I'm better off without him...”

“Then show him that its not true. He just needs some time to cool down, and when he does, you can show him. Show him how much he means to you. How much you need him."

Marinette looked up at Tikki, who was smiling sweetly and confidently at her. It was enough for Marinette to work up a smile in response. Nodding at Tikki, she stood up when she heard a ping from her phone indicating she had received a text. Quickly checking her phone, she realized it was from Adrien.

Adrien: Marinette, where are you? Are you Okay?

Marinette panicked as she realized that Adrien must have come back to look for her. She quickly typed her response.

Marinette: Adrien! When the Akuma was defeated I came out to look for you!

Adrien: Thank god you’re okay. I am back at the Cafe and I was hoping we could finish our day?

Marinette: Of Course! I’m just glad that you’re safe. Be right there!

Marinette made a B-line back to the Cafe, finding Adrien waiting at the front. Upon seeing Marinette he quickly walked over to her and embraced her in tight hug, causing Marinette’s face to blush.

“Don’t scare me like that Mari,” he said, pulling back.

“Scare you?” she said. “You’re the one who ran out into the middle of an Akuma attack to find help!”

“Yeah sorry,” Adrien said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I just felt like I had to do something.”

Marinette smiled softly at the brave boy in front of her. Studying his face though, she felt like something was off. What was hiding behind his expression? Was that… pain?

“Hey Adrien,” Marinette began. “Are you okay? You seem a little upset?”

“Of course! I’m fine!” he said, a little louder than Marinette was expecting. Marinette frowned, more worried than before.

“Adrien, did something happen?” she asked, stepping closer to him.

“I promise, everything is fine,” he replied, taking her hand. “I’m just glad your safe.”

Marinette, still unsure, smiled sweetly back at Adrien, who squeezed her hand reassuringly.

“Okay,” she said. “Just know that I am always here if you need to talk. No matter what it is.”

“Thanks Mari,” Adrien said. “Shall we head back inside?”

“Let’s,” she replied.

Heading back inside, Marinette and Adrien enjoyed the rest of their day, free of any Akuma attacks. Marinette was proud of how well she held together, especially considering how much of a mess she normally was around Adrien. It had been getting easier to talk to him over the years though, and the thought of having coffee with him still sent her mind through a loop. Just the chance to spend time with him was more than she could have asked for. Despite all that though, she couldn’t help but think about Cat Noir, wondering if he was okay. Adrien picked up on this a few times, asking if something was bothering her whenever her mind would drift to Cat, but Marinette would just say she was still shaken by the events earlier. After a couple of hours at the Café, they went for a stroll around the park near her bakery, smiling and laughing at all the children playing and falling over each other. Despite everything that had happened earlier, the day had ended well, and as it got dark, they parted with a hug and a promise to meet up again soon.

“What a day!” Marinette exclaimed, falling onto her bed.

I had been about an hour since she had parted with Adrien for the day, and after freshening up and changing into her Pyjamas, she was relieved to finally have a chance to rest her head. It had been a very eventful day after all.

“Did you at least enjoy your time with Adrien?” Tikki asked.

“Of course! It was like a dream to spend so much time with him!” Marinette said excitedly.

“And you even managed to talk coherently!” Tikki teased giggling.

“Oh, ha ha Tikki,” Marinette said rolling her eyes, a smile on her face.

Marinette turned on the T.V. to check the news, when she frowned, remembering back to the Akuma attack from earlier.

“I just hope Cat Noir is okay,” she murmured.

“Trust me, he’ll be okay,” Tikki said, hugging Marinette’s face.

“I hope you’re right,” Marinette sighed.

It was at that moment that she heard a knocking on the trapdoor to her balcony. Tikki quickly flew off into her hiding place as Marinette climbed the ladder, slowly opening the trap door, to see a familiar black cat staring down at her, a weary yes pleading expression on his face.

“Hey Princess, mind if I come in?”