#yeah when i say he is deeply traumatised. gestures

[narrated]

so here’s the thing about matthias

the entire time between the conclave explosion and the fall of haven, he is actively trying to get the fuck out of dodge. he is not the herald of a religion he doesn’t even believe in, he wasn’t even meant to really Be there, he is woefully underqualified and does not belong in this world. he says it over and over and over, hoping someone finally listens and takes charge of the inquisition instead of everyone deferring to him.

after in hushed whispers and seeing the alternate future with his companions hurt essentially because of him, matthias is so shit scared that he does run away. disappears in the night, doesn’t get very far out of the frostback mountains until one of leliana’s spies finds him and manages to convince him to return. his single hope at going back to his life (whatever that is worth to him now) is successfully closing the breach and nothing else bad happening.

and he does close the breach. and then corypheus and the red templars arrive and he is like a scared halla running on pure adrenaline. he barely comprehends what’s happening. he barely registers running into burning buildings to try and get people out (but he does register seeing a burnt beam crush someone’s body). when roderick shares the information about the secret path, matthias has already made his decision. he can give the inquisition a chance to save themselves and also get rid of their pesky problem, being himself, for them. prior to this point, he wouldn’t tell any of the advisors his age, though he obviously looks young. his final words to cullen before leaving for the final trebuchet are “i’m twenty-one. someone should know.”

after haven is buried and he awakens, it feels like he treks through that snow for hours. he ends up with a broken collarbone and bruised ribs from the fall, plus the pain of the anchor tearing through his hand and the cold setting in. matthias is fucking miserable and in agony and moving on survival instinct alone. he ends up collapsing further away from the camp than in the game because at that point there’s no fight left in him. he had hoped that his death would be quick and painless, but at least he did what he could to save the people in haven. he can’t let the inquisition down any more. they’ll find someone else more capable to lead. he can’t hurt anyone else. he can’t hurt anymore.

he doesn’t know at what point cassandra and cullen pull him from the snow, how close he was to finally being rid of the pain forever, but he thrashes and kicks and screams his throat raw telling them, “let me go! let me go! i can’t take this anymore, i can’t, just let me go.” he uses up whatever energy was left in him fast and is reduced to nothing but broken sobs as they haul him back to the camp.

[asher-writes]

Honestly @gabe-killed-me-with-ace-cream you know I'm a fiend for weird ass relationships, but I've also been looking for literally any excuse to talk about April/Ember and April/January so.

April was my first time writing an aromantic character, at the time, and when I started I made that element of him very cut and dry, and then I experienced more of life and decided to make him a little less like a villain and more what he is - a very scared, very lonely, very traumatised young adult who has barely aged past all the horrible shit that has happened to him.

So when I first started writing April and Ember, they were friends with benefits. They got along, they worked well together, but most of their relationship was just based on sexual attraction. That changed when I realised that aromantic people don't have to be alone, and this was more a self-realisation than anything. Like yes, it can be lonely, it can be isolating, but we're still capable of intense and meaningful relationships if that is what we want.

And when my mind shifted into 'actually I don't want to hold everyone at arms length, I do want someone to talk to and be with and share some space with, and I do want to feel like I have someone who has my back and I can trust them,' that's when their relationship changed; it's also when April changed, and I re-wrote him less as comic relief, or a character who just says weird shit sometimes, and more as a character with an extremely complex relationship with himself and the world around him.

April became a lot more vulnerable then, someone who rarely experiences fear, but is still wildly emotional, easily angered or excited. And Ember became someone who wasn't just this roughed-up badass, but someone who is really quite emotional and kind, but reserved and, yeah, quite scared too. I mean it's important to remember that these guys joined a whole antifascist organisation as teenagers because it was safer than where they were.

And really, everyone else is so much older than them, it made sense for them to see a sort of reflection of their own pain in each other. But of course, both lack the emotional language to communicate what is essentially "I see you, I understand you, I want you to know you're safe with me."

So instead they fuck. A lot. But in what I have written, what's more interesting is that they sleep beside each other. Ember is always on edge, but he relaxes around April. April is easily angered or frustrated, but Ember calms him down; and usually it's because neither of them use words to do that.

There's a lot of non-verbal communication between them, which is largely to do with character backstory things, but also because they both have the same boundary when they're frustrated. Ember offers April a hand to calm him - he doesn't speak, he doesn't touch him, he waits for that gesture to be accepted. And when Ember is angry, April knows he needs to be alone to calm himself down, and he nods, and he leaves and Ember knows - because they've done this before - that he will be waiting when he's ready to talk.

They know each other so intricately and ahhh i love the boys. There's also the fact that Ember fully accepts that he can't be April's like, one true love or anything, and he's fully accepting of that, and April encourages Ember to see other people to fill what he can't, they're just so. Yes.

But April and January? Holy fuck.

January is aromantic and asexual, and April thinks he's very hot, in which the poor man has to be like 'actually that's not my thing, sorry,' but April likes him, a lot.

The thing is, April's never really been in a situation in which he finds someone so deeply fascinating - and he can't have sex with them to show them that he likes them.

What I really enjoy about their relationship is that April takes the time to understand January, and January takes the time to understand him. They're very gentle with each other, and in turn that encourages them to be gentle with themselves. It's largely January's influence that really drops the ball on April's character arc, and also his mental breakdown.

I don't think I missed anything, but I'm sleepy tired so I might have.

Happy STS! What's the most nuanced relationship you've written so far?

That's a really good question that I don't have an answer for.

Ari and Edward are one of my favourite relationships because of the complexities and contrasts that they each bring to it.

April and Ember are by far my most complex relationship in terms of structure - they're not romantic, they're not platonic, they would die for each other. And I don't want to put a label on what is going on with them, because I think regardless there's room there for a few different kinds of people to be included. Personally, I see them as a QPR though.

But with Released being in first person it offers some really interesting insights to Mallory's relationship with Marius that previously I hadn't really seen.

All of these relationships have some real strains and challenges, so, if you want to know more, shout one of them at me! I love talking about the relationships - and by proxy, the characters in them - in my books.

[leo-gold-hotchner]

Before Puppy

Long time no writing! I hope everyone’s well and stay healthy. Although I have a surgery planned next week so I’m not sure when I’ll upload another. Besides, I’ve been watching reading Harry Potter all again XD 

It’s a short piece but I hope you all enjoy.

Natural-gen Reader X Aaron Hotchner with Jack

Words: 1000-ish

“No.” 

A short grunt and a sip of coffee. He swore inwardly, slightly blaming you for showing ‘101 Dalmatians’ to Jack who had been wanting a dog. And Jack’s been begging him for a puppy more than ever. You probably showed the movie deliberately, not that he would ask you about it. 

You watched a sullen faced son and an adamant faced father. The looks on their faces were different, but at the same it was much alike. With that sullen face, Jack looked very much like Aaron. 

“Why?” Even though sulking, Jack wanted to know why Aaron wasn’t convinced about having a puppy of their own. 

“A puppy is not a toy. It’s a responsibility. It means you must take care of life. I’m not going to ask your Aunt to look after a puppy too!” Aaron exhaled deeply as he watched his son pouting over breakfast. “Think about what a puppy needs and what you have to do for them. A puppy needs constant care like a baby. F/N and I go to work, you go to school, and a puppy can’t be at home alone. They need to be fed, exercised and cleaned, as well as vaccinated.” Which is very expensive, Aaron swallowed. 

As Aaron started to explain shortly about having a dog in a household, you wondered how your husband knew so much about having a dog. You knew Jack understood why his father kept saying ‘no’, but being a child Jack still wanted to raise a puppy just like any other child. 

“Besides, you can always visit grandparents’ to play with dogs.” 

You raised your brows as Aaron mentioned your parents and their dogs. It was still strange to hear Jack calling your parents ‘grandpa’ and ‘grandma’ despite you were all now family. 

“But having a dog and visiting grandpa and grandma is different!” Jack tried to argue even though he knew his father wouldn’t budge a bit. 

“No. No means no, Jack.” Aaron narrowed his eyes and checked his watch. “Go brush your teeth, we’ll be leaving soon.” 

You silently watched Jack dragging his feet to his room to prepare for his school. You let out a little chuckle which drew a frown from Aaron. 

“I just remembered how my Dad hated the idea of having a dog.” 

“Did he?” Aaron gave you a surprised look, thinking of dog lover father-in-law. Never once Aaron saw his father-in-law without a dog next him. “I thought he loved dogs?” 

“Oh yeah, he hated dogs before,” you replied drily. “But alas, Mum and I brought a pup without discussing him. And next we knew was that the pup had Dad wrapped around its paw.” You snorted as you remembered the time, especially when your Dad started to take a nap with the puppy. “Anyway, since then, you know,” you gestured with your hand, “it became a dog farm.” 

Aaron let out an amusement laughter remembering so many lively dogs at your parents’. 

“So, despite how you said about ‘no means no’,” you tried to imitate your husband’s deep voice, which failed terribly which caused your husband laughing, “having a second thought about getting Jack a pup?” Aaron just shrugged, hiding his face behind his coffee mug. “I know it’s hard to resist Jack’s puppy dog eyes.” You looked at Aaron as you heard some grumble from him. “Hmm?” 

“I’m actually scared.” 

“Wait, you’re scared of puppies?” You asked incredulously. You vaguely remembered Aaron chasing a dog a few times from his work, and muttering about dogs that traumatised JJ a few years ago. 

“No, I’m not scared of dogs,” he rolled his eyes and sighed exasperatedly. “I had a dog once. It’s just, sad, you know,” he whispered in the last part. 

You knew what he was talking about. Having a dog means adding another family member, and it creates a massive unfillable hole in your heart when they leave. It was understandable. Perfectly. But you narrowed your eyes at him. 

“You’re scared of getting attached.” You stated simply. “But you have already overcome that fear, haven’t you?” You frowned and he raised his brows at you. You silently pointed to yourself as you raised an inquisitive brow. 

“I don’t want Jack to hurt again.” Knowing what you meant he said seriously. 

You sighed. You knew it took a long time to overcome the sorrow of losing Haley for both Aaron and Jack. Even after going through hell, they still had enough room to love you and accept you as family. You knew the hole in their heart will never be healed but it still saddened you to see them being haunted by what that sadistic man did to this fantastic man and boy. You pulled your husband’s head gently and put his forehead on yours. 

“You’re strong enough to love me. Jack is the strongest boy I’ve seen. Besides, if we care well, puppy’s can live longer than 20 years.” 

At the mention of ’20 years’, Aaron pulled a face. “20 years after means Jack will be in his 30’s.” The father groaned as he imagined little Jack becoming an independent man with his own life. 

“Yeah, and we’ll be old,” you chuckled. You grabbed his hands with yours. “Old and still together.” You’d do anything for Aaron and won’t ever leave Aaron alone. 

You pulled away and softly pecked on his lips as you heard Jack’s loud footsteps coming down the stairs. 

 Aaron smiled at you gently, his eyes caressing your features. “I’m gonna miss you today.” 

“Let’s hope you don’t have a serial killer today. You and the community need a break from those bastards.” You huffed and you gently pushed your husband. “I do hope I see you tonight.” 

It wasn’t until you returned from your work when you realised that Aaron agreed to get a puppy for Jack. Jack jumped and hugged you tightly, babbling happily about you convinced his dad. You weren’t sure if you convinced your husband however, after all Aaron seemed to have a second thought about a puppy for Jack. You grinned to yourself. When you see Aaron you should give him a big happy surprise.

[aotwaifu]

Erwin Smith x Reader! Headcanons!

Coming from my own understanding and interpretation–this is how I would imagine Erwin as a s/o. Headcanon time.

Erwin is very stoic and professional in his line of work. He’s a straightforward person however he does have the tendency to not fully reveal his plans. So I picture him to be more of a listener in the relationship.

Despite his line of work being stressful, I imagine his s/o also acknowledges this and understands time is very little and fragile between the two.

I do see Erwin eagerly wanting his s/o to tell him about their day even if it was boring with irrelevant detail. I believe it soothes him.

He would have a very stoic face and be deep in thought some of the time with his s/o. However, they would know it’s not them but his work.

Definitely a big spoon in bed.

Worries about his s/o, especially if they are too in the Scout Regiment. Probably keeps them somewhat close to him during any expedition but still anxiety goes through the roof with this man.

Out of the blue if him and his s/o are alone, he’ll reach out and just hold strands of their hair behind them. Just quietly admiring his s/o.

Not a big fan of PDA–but dependent on people surrounding him he would allow s/o to hold his hand or have his hand on waist.

I do picture his s/o having to have a deep sense of understanding & openess. Probably the one of the best attributes he appreciates of his s/o.

S/o definitely would be someone that is also cheerful and caring but can be stubborn when something they are passionate about doesn’t go their way. A big turn on seeing his s/o riled up–

Children–I mean personally he does seem like a family guy. I think Erwin’s s/o would only get pregnant by accident and if it was ever planned, possibly in an AU! Standpoint. Once again, I think his job being so stressful and very traumatising so having the thought of a family would be the last thing on his mind.

Would be such a loving and caring father though. He would be so deeply invested in his child(ren) learning and growth. Growing up he would definitely be the pillar for his kid(s) to come to with any issue.

In saying that; I do see him become more worried for s/o and his child. I think he would create some sort of placement for them to be nearby him.

Him and his s/o enjoy sitting in silence. Can literally be reading a book, eating lunch or happily sitting with one another. He would appreciate it.

On his down days, would probably become more physically attached to his s/o. A lot of cuddling, kissing, putting his head on their shoulder.

Speaking of which, he definitely would speak his inner thoughts out to his s/o but probably kept the most daunting ones to himself–he’s a mysterious man but he mainly doesn’t want to worry his s/o too much.

I see him definitely caring for his s/o and doing the tiny things as his love language. Like whether it’s stacking away the dishes, folding washing or bathing his s/o I see him doing that. No questions. Nothing.

I do see him also bathing is s/o if they were to become depressed or sick. Dressing them, combing their hair and encouraging them to eat. He is a big listener for one but I do imagine him doing these certain things as a genuine gesture to let his s/o know he is there for them.

Oh and s/o definitely would become more protective over him! If someone in the public is screeching smack, I for sure see Erwin carrying his s/o on the shoulder as they yell curse words at the person.

“Hey! What did you call my husband you cunt!”

“NopE. We’re going home”

“Yeah you’re lucky he’s here or else I would’ve fucked you UP!”

Erwin definitely sighs at that comment.

Definitely a rough lover in bed.

Not too rough to the point of clear marks and bruises but just enough where things in the bedroom are never boring.

Loves G I V I N G oral.

I also picture him watching his s/o sleep. He soaks in their calm and peaceful appearance and it swells his heart. Makes him even more determined to fight harder.

Whispers a bunch of “I love you” confessions before bed.

Plays with s/o hair A LOT!!

Lastly, Erwin losing his arm. I imagine him coming back home to his s/o, they don’t say anything. His s/o just holds him and ensures they are not entirely upset with him but reassures that they are proud of him. Reminds him of how much love they have for him and every waking moment with him is more than enough for a lifetime. Erwin possibly starts crying. S/o would just hold him. (Probably won’t leave his side for a little while)

[slashingdisneypasta]

MultiVillains x Reader || Drabbles

Plot: You’re with, and are in love with (Villain A), but for a long time now you’ve noticed that they way they treat you… isn’t up to scratch. And now this other guy, (Villain B) comes along and you feel loved and beautiful and competent all the time, with them. It’s a choice between someone who makes you believe that without a doubt soulmate are real and this person is yours, and the one that makes you feel really, really good. You give (Villain A) a choice.

Includes: Drayton Sawyer / Mayor Buckman (Horror Villains), Eric / Peter Hayes (Misc), Nina The Killer / Candy Pop (Creepypasta), Riddler and Edward Nygma / Barbara Kean (Gotham), and Human!Scar / Human!Shere Kahn (Disney Villains).

Warnings: Toxic or unhappy relationships, BLOOD (Nina and Candy Pop’s part- only a little but still), swearing, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE (Riddler.)

Notes:

Inspired by ‘According To You’ by Orianthi. You can also listen to the Elise Lieberth version if you’re gonna!! It’s a lot more soulful and matter o’ fact, rather than mad and desperate. Both are soooo good, though.

Quick directory: If you’re looking for anger, I will send you to the Riddler and Eric and if you’re looking for sad I will show you two Drayton and Nina and if you want a happy ending, go to Scar! 

This is in your POV

~~~

Drayton Sawyer (Villain A) and Mayor Buckman (Villain B)

According to you I'm stupid I'm useless I can't do anything right

“Drayton!” Get back here, you basta-

“I’m too busy for this talk, girl / boy / kid!” He cuts off my thoughts with that dreaded phrase, that I hate hearing come from him and waves his arms dismissively without even turning to look at me. That phrase. That awful, familiar phrase. ‘I’m too busy for this talk’. Jesus Christ, it hits a nerve. He’s always too busy! “And so’re you! Grab the other end a’ this hay bale for me. We’re movin’ it on to the truck- Nubbins thinks I can get some money off ’em from passin’ famers. Better then having ‘em sit here and get eatin’ by Bubba.”

Gaining courage from my frustration, I march over there and slam my foot firmly down on the bale of hay. Drayton looks up from the side he was gearing to pick up and scrunches his face up in his own frustration. “What the hell are you doing? Get your lazy ass foot off this bale!”

“We have to talk, Drayton.”

“About what?!”

Has he already- Forgotten- What I-

I was just talking to him about it!!

“Oh my god Drayton, how self-absorbed can you be?? I was just talking to you about it!”

I feel stupid for feeling guilty for what’s going on, now. I suddenly remember what drove me to this situation- he doesn’t care one lick about me!

“Uhh… “He has the good manners to look ashamed for a moment, voice hesitating as he tries to remember something he knows just isn’t there in his head at all. “My bad.”

“Yes, your bad!”

He sighs in frustration, standing up straight and setting his hands on his hips with an annoyed vigour. He raises his eyebrows, as if to say ‘I’m waiting??’ and I control the urge to growl at him. This is not the way I wanted it to come out, and if he was even a little less infuriating, I would check myself and calm down- but he isn’t a little less infuriating and I want to throw this bale of hay at his scrawny ass.

“Well what’s goin’ on, girl / boy / kid?”

Ohhh, fucking Christ I hate it when he calls me that. Like I’m a child. This may fly with your brothers, Drayton, but we’re the same age! Goddamnit.

Mirroring his actions by putting my hands on my hips in an exaggerated way and raising my eyebrows back at him, I blurt it out firmly. Leaving zero room for him to possibly hear me wrong. “I’m having an affair.”

A moment of silence passes, and of course, now is when I immediately start to feel all the emotions that anger just a moment ago was blocking out. Regret, guilt, heartbreak… I take my foot off the hay back to the firm ground and my eyes well up with tears from the sheer force of the feelings. Drayton’s hands slip off his hips.

“… that Mayor?”

I’m surprised for a moment that Drayton knows. He could pick up on who it must be, which means he was noticing me. Its sort of good, to feel that he actually paid attention to me that one time, when we met... Buckman… but it isn’t enough to make up for the past decade. Looking away from him, I breathe and mess with my hair a bit simply for something to do with my hands. “… yeah.”

Dumbly, he tilts his head slightly to the side. His voice even stutters, which is so not Drayton. “… why?”

I hate myself for hurting him.

Looking back him, some tears break free down my cheeks. “Because! I forgot what it felt like to be liked. It… took me by surprise.”

“Maybe we should have a, ah, a sit down, then. Lets, lets go then. While the boy’s are out. To the kitchen, yeah. Come on, girl / boy / kid.”

He turns around as he says it, plus a lot more that isn’t important is just his ramblings as we walk off, but I wince from the name he gave me again.

Eric (Villain A) and Peter Hayes (Villain B)

According to you I'm difficult Hard to please Forever changing my mind I'm a mess in a dress Can't show up on time Even if it would save my life

The cruel grin on Eric’s face as he stands over me, doesn’t scare me. It just reminds me of how hurt he is. It’s true, I haven’t done anything… but now he knows what I’ve been thinking. About Peter, of all people, and probably more importantly what I’ve been thinking about him; Eric. “He’s not much better than me, you know.”

Grimacing, I fiddle more nervously with my hands that are in my lap and look down the barren hallway that I was able to corner him alone in. That’s very true. “I know that. That’s not the point.” When I look up, he’s scowling at me.

“Then what is the point?” He sounds mad. Like, bull mad. But I don’t waver, because under this shame- I’m pretty damn mad, too. I feel like my eyes flash at him not understanding the situation after I already, explicitly, explained to him what was wrong with our relationship two seconds ago. But its like all he heard was that I thought another man, Peter, a boy my age and not my instructor, was making me feel better than he was and he ignored everything else. If I wasn’t so pissed, I would understand. Jealousy is a serious emotion. I get that.

But he isn’t jealous.

Eric is possessive. Which is only one of our problems.

“The point is that I love you. I want, you.” It’s so true. Every word. I want Eric. I want him! Goddamnit, if I could genetically engineer a man who looks, acts and thinks like Eric, but with Peter’s attention span then I fucking would do so in heartbeat. “But you treat me like I’m just this small part of your life, like a hobby you can pick up and put down any time you like! And, god, you insult me! You disrespect me. I know you’re overworked and hormonal, but I don’t know how much longer I can wait it out before it isn’t a phase anymore!”

His goddamn nostrils flare, this time. “So you want to break up?”

Oh my god. My heart leaps up into my throat and, instantly, the word ‘No’ leaps right out of my chest, clear as day. “God, no. I don’t want to break up! I want to work through this together. I just want one thing in these negotiations Eric, and that’s to be liked by you.”

He breathes out slowly through his nose, and watch his shoulders and chest slowly drop. His eyes focus on the ceiling. “Y/N, you know I love you- “I get up from my seat abruptly and square up to him.

“Yes I know that! But that isn’t the same thing as being liked!” I am begging him. I am pleading that he understands, and we can be happy again.

… Because if he doesn’t, I have to do what’s best for me.

And as far as I can see, that is Peter. Or being alone! But honestly, the Peter option is looking better and better every second. Peter is an evil little shit, and violent, and deeply messed up, but he treats me well. He would never hurt me- emotionally or physically. And damn, I like spending time with him! And I really, really want that.

With Eric, if I can.

But all I’m seeing in this conversation is that option getting smaller and smaller.

For a good few minutes, he just stands there. First, he was breathing heavily… but now he’s just thinking. I watch with round eyes, and wait patiently. What’s happening? What are you thinking? Please, Eric.

Finally, he reaches over and squeezes more arm for a moment. It’s a comforting gesture, but when I look into those blue eyes of his, all I see is empty. He’s leaving. “We’ll talk about this later, k? I’ve got shit to do, now.”

For me, when he walked away, that was the end of everything right there. The last straw. I feel empty, too.

Nina The Killer (Villain A) and Candy Pop (Villain B)

According to you, according to you But according to him I'm beautiful Incredible He can't get me out of his head

“NINA!” I cut off her screaming with my own, nearly damn well shredding my vocal cords to cut through. But I succeed, and she’s now just glaring at me, twisting the tip of her knife into the tip of her finger. At first it wasn’t affecting her, just a nervous habit, but now theirs blood and I wince. Moving forward, I gently remove the knife from her hands, put it away in my hoodie pocket and carefully take her hands in mine, instead. Then I look back up at her, and look firm. “You’re just distracting us both. Don’t you wanna work through this with me?”

Through grit teeth, barely moving her face, she tells me. “I feel betrayed, Y/N.”

A rush of guilt for hurting her floods me -my stomach, my heart, - and I feel physically nauseous. “I know. I’m so sorry.”

“Why?”

“Are you really gonna listen to me?” I counter, causing her to flinch at the very thought of hearing me out. She looks away, but doesn’t remove her hands from mine and after a moment, sighs in utter defeat and frustration and nods fine. “Okay… um.” I hadn’t really thought about explaining what’s going on, to her. Being with a Creepypasta like her, who’s been traumatised and emotionally wrecked, you learn to keep your problems to yourself in fear they’ll relapse and hurt you. It’s not a fair or decent relationship in the slightest, I know, but it’s what we have. It’s what I’ve been perfectly happy with for years now. It’s what we’re fighting for.

So… I guess… I don’t have much of a choice, now. Taking a shaky breath in, I start and hope I don’t get murdered. “I feel like… you hate me.” She freezes under my touch but I don’t look up to see her face. “Like Jeff will always be more important than me, to you. He’s the one you want, he’s the one you have the connection to... and I understood that at first. I could take it… but- but the longer we stayed together I realised I always thought you would become more accustomed to me; That you would want me. But you don’t. Its always him-“ She tries to wrench her hands from me, but I clamp my grip down hard on her and drag her back, looking up into her face with a determined, probably pretty pissed off look on my face. “Nina. Still talking, here.”

“Its… its not true!” She doesn’t look so sure, her own determined-pissed off look dissolving into nervousness, chewing on her bottom lip.

“It is.” That look is all the admission there needs to be. Theirs no more supposing about it- Jeff will always be a step ahead of me. That Michael Jackson looking bastard. “And if I‘m going to be with someone, then I want to be number one. And, i-if you can’t… “I chew on my cheek to force myself not to cry. “Nina, Pop does want me like that.”  

I want to show her through my eyes, how serious this is. My desperation for her to just step up for me, and my stubborn desire to be wanted like he wants me.

God, I thought this conversation might help- but I don’t feel like stopping what’s between Pop and I now, ever.

I think its over with me and Nina, as she looks innocent and wide eyed and lost and… heartbroken.

It is the end, then.

She detangles her hands finally from mine, and cups my face in thin, freezing cold, shaky hands. “I wish… “I gather her middle against my body, in between my arms and bury my face in her neck, tears running freely down my face now. “Oh god, I wish.”

I wish we’d met before all that with Jeff. It definitely would’ve been us.

Me too.

Riddler and Edward Nygma (Villain/s A) and Barbara Kean (Villain B)

She's into me for everything I'm not According to you I need to feel appreciated Like I'm not hated, oh no Why can't you see me through her eyes? It's too bad you're making me decide

My back hits the wall a little too hard, causing my head to knock back into it and my vision to go blurry as he speaks his ironically phrased ‘peace’, so all I see is a very deep scowl and green. I’m pared from his crooked teeth and the dark, hateful way his eyes will be zeroed in on me. “How could you do this to me?? I allowed Ed to keep you, I- “He makes a constipated face as my vision clears up, his fingers digging deeply into my hips. I wriggle and twitch slightly, and try to quietly pull them out of my skin, but they are not moving, and I don’t even think he feels me struggling. So I give up, focusing instead on just regaining my vision. “I STARTED TO LOVE YOU TOO!”

Rolling my head against the wall in boredom, like a student waiting for that bell, and I don’t even flinch when he screams in my face at this point, although I do admit; It of course isn't pleasant. “Ugh, Ed, your breath stinks- “

“I AM NOT ED!”

“Okay, Riddler, your breath stinks.” Same-Same, for me. 

“Treat this seriously- you’ve betrayed me.” He is so mad. No matter how vehemently this guy tries to tell people he isn’t Ed- he sure is controlled by his emotions like Ed. He wouldn’t be this mad if he wasn’t heartbroken. Fucker was born from emotions.

Well guess what Riddler? I’m heartbroken too. And you put me here.

He scrapes his fingers against my skin, and I just grin wider.

There is nothing quite like annoying this man- especially when he’s treating me with such little respect. My eyes flash up to his and I grit my teeth. “I thought you were smart, man. I don’t love you the way I loved Ed- the way I now love her. Mistake number 1. You shouldn’t have ever let yourself fall as deep as you have, here.”

“But you do love me?!” He’s desperate and trying to reassure himself, and at the same time remind me of that fact. And oh god, I know. I know that I love him. Despite his many, maaany faults, I love him. He is what’s left over from Ed, my first love, who’s a whole lifetime away from me now. I’m attached to him, the Riddler, whether I like it or not!

And I don’t like it.

That’s why I’m leaving.

“Mistake number 2. You couldn’t just check yourself- because you’re so perfect, right? You couldn’t just look at how you were treating me and work on it? If you had, we wouldn’t be here right now. I wanted you… but you can’t see me the same way Barbara does.  

I wrap my fingers around the object in my pocket, feelings its need. It’s about fifteen centimetres long, and black, with little nibs at the end designed to leave a nasty lasting impact.

He’s looking at me, waiting for what else he did wrong. Always a learner, and a sucker for pain. “Mistake three- the Hamartia. You then gave me a choice, between you and Barbara. You should’ve known I would never pick you. I love you, yes.” For a second my voice is soft, and I let go of the weapon to reach up and cup his, and more importantly Ed’s, beautiful face. My grip becomes slightly tighter after a second. “But I love her, too. The difference is just that she sees me and sees someone beautiful. You see a possession. I.e. you think it’s a given that I’ll be with you.”

His eyes go cold, and even darker. His mad, laughing smirk makes its appearance, and I move one hand back into my pocket. “What makes you think I’ll even let you leave?”

“I didn’t think that.” I admit, watching for his reaction. As soon as his smile broadens like the sad, mistaken gremlin that he is, I pull out the taser and push the button, pressing the needles into the Riddler’s neck.

He immediately loosens up everything, and flings back awkwardly to the floor. 

“I’m so done with you. You took Ed from me.” My voice wobbles and I cover my mouth, pressing my lips tightly to each other for a moment to pull myself together. Then I glance back down at the Riddler’s twitching body one final time. “And don’t think for one second that you’ll just come pick me up later; I’m going to Oz’s.”

Human!Scar (Villain A) and Human!Shere Kahn (Villain B)

But according to me You're stupid You're useless You can't do anything right

We spent all day fighting, and now I’m just… tired. And sad. I’m so tired, of pleading with him to like me. Always doing more, for him. Making his favourite meals, smiling when he tells unfunny jokes, agreeing ‘to an extent’ -a bare faced lie, - with the shit he spouts… Today, an actual fight about how I feel, was just the crux of this mess that I’ve been hoping was a relationship for so long. But it isn’t a relationship; Not a proper one.

If it was, I wouldn’t be killing myself trying to be happy.

So I’m leaving, officially.

I give Scar one more cuddle, burying my head in his chest for a good minute, begging myself to be strong and let go, then slip out of the bed and collect my suit case. I packed this while he was cooking dinner earlier, and hid under the bed. Of course, I’ll have to come back and get the rest of my stuff… but Kahn say’s he’ll help me.

Even still in this room, where Scar’s and my relationship turned from beautiful to a monster, the thought of Kahn makes me smile- I can’t help it. Just the mention of him in my head, and then his face comes to mind -Smirking at me, about to tickle me and I know it,- and the corners of my mouth perk upwards and my teeth show. It feels really, really good and I can’t wait to see him.

Taking a deep breath, I leave the room and the apartment all together. There is a slight nauseous feeling in my stomach from doing so, but I push on and the further I get to the exit, the freer I feel. 

Finally, I twist front door open and take a deep breath through my nose, feeling one last moment of longing to go back, but knowing I wont. I cant. It’s violet walls that Scar and I painted together when we first moved in, that now give me headache... And its white wood theme, that was supposed to brighten up the place when he used to leave me alone a lot at home... and the knitted coasters I spent time choosing and making to avoid hanging out with him… I leave it all, closing the door behind me. 

Thinking about all that makes me want to cry, but I’ve already cried to much about all of this- it would feel like overkill.

Besides, I need to focus a little more on not smiling, which would be in such bad taste, when I see Kahn waiting for me outside. I tilt my head to the side. “No car?”

“Nope, we’re walking darling. I thought it might be better for you tonight.”

I take a deep breath of the fresh air while Kahn takes my hand in his. It feels good. “Yeah, you might be right… That sounds good.“

[jae-canikeepyou]

| bad boy | j.jh | sequel

pairing: jaehyun x fem!reader genre: au t/w: slight violence and blood. a/n: a sequel was requested for this scenario & to be very honest i thought it’s best to leave as it was.. but who am i to turn down my lovely readers? 🥰 as promised, here it is! blame my lazy butt for procrastinating to post it. it’s not proof read too woohoo! 😂 anyway, enjoy! :3 ~j

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“...i’ll be happy to see you again.”

it was the only sentence that stuck into the back of your mind. a similar feeling to when you liked someone and his very existence wouldn’t just leave you alone. you thought you might go insane because every time you think of nothing at all, that dimpled smile of his reappears and your brain immediately sends all kinds of signals that maybe science couldn’t explain, let alone you.

the students who walked pass you and him had questionable stares. you were well aware that jaehyun was fresh from returning back to town; though according to him it only had been two years. even the faces of the neighbourhood gave scoffs and looks of disbelief; unconvinced that he had changed for ‘the better’. honestly people still avoided him— maybe it was due to the fact he wasn’t seen as often by day, only at dusk.. doing stuff that jaehyun himself chose not to remember.

coming out of the university, an annoying tug on the shoulder caused you to turn around to identify the doer, jolting you back to reality from your thoughts. however the tug was too familiar that you already knew who it was, even with eyes closed. he bugged you during training— though it was not in a bad way.

the regretful look on his face made you pinch his cheeks with his dimples as the support. he was one good-looking lad with now good intentions to help people. ever since that encounter with him at the alley, he never really left your side; stuck with you like glue. your parents joked about how he was as loyal as a golden retriever would be to his owner. he followed you everywhere and even if you didn’t mind, you had to remind him about boundaries.

and boundaries meant when he accidentally followed you to the toilet that one time.

leaving that aside, jaehyun smiled and this adorable puppy with chocolate eyes made you snap your fingers. “jaehyun, i told you not to stare at me like that.”

“why can’t i? i already told you you’re pretty.” he smirked, nudging a tease with his brows. “it’s worth staring at, even for a whole day.”

“uh-huh.” you hum in faux agreement. “and you told me that a month ago, which was after your friends broke my door. you’ve been calling me that nonstop.”

“it’ll approximately be thirty two- no, thirty three times i complimented you, today included.” jaehyun took your bag with him. as gentleman as it sounds, your own friends once had to pull your stuff away from him when he did the kind gesture the first time.

“hey, give it.” you attempted to retrieve it back when he raised it higher.

“maybe i’ll consider if you give me a kiss.” he poked his cheek, leaning into your face. you gave him a disgusted look before it turned out to be more so when he pointed his lips instead.

“in your dreams jaehyun.” you rolled your eyes, nudging him to leave the training centre.

you both spent the next two hours chilling at a local coffee shop, doing some recaps of what you learnt earlier. to your surprise, jaehyun was actually quite studious. it was a little difficult to approach him whenever you had questions. who knew that behind the acronym the townspeople gave him, ‘bad boy’, was a very hardworking and intelligent guy. sometimes you would think he was a real-life manhwa character, where he’d ace a test despite worrying over whether he’d flunk it.

on the bright side of jaehyun’s reputation to everyone, some students would arrive in crowds after your training; which was, how you’d call it, fanbase. they’d usually giggle to themselves and ask for a picture, but jaehyun declined their requests.

whilst at the café with chill jazz music playing, and despite feeling uneasy and worried for no reason at all, jaehyun sighed deeply, indirectly asking to call it a day— it was already 10 pm. every friday night, he’d go with you to the orphanage to read books to the children; or go along with them to give medical care with a stethoscope just to satisfy the curiosity of the kids.

jaehyun fumbled his bag to look for his keys. you waited for the lad, skimming through the university’s fountain and statue. you looked at the far distance, and the unease came back just when you thought it went away. “okay i got them. let’s go.” he tapped to us shoulders.

you soon hopped onto his car, fastening your seatbelt as you propped your arm onto the edge of the window rest. “tired? me too.” you heard jaehyun ask, his car keys clashing towards each other before being put onto its place.

“yeah i kinda am.” you lied, still having that uneasiness stuck in your chest. at the night you met jaehyun, you would say that the encounter with the screwed-up man traumatised you; the sound of gunfire rang in your ears, the man’s grip onto your wrists left a bruise, jaehyun’s flirtatious moves to his favourite couple’s daughter.

“well, we can go to the riverside if that’s what you’re looking for. tell your parents we’ll visit the kids next week and that you’re on a date with me.” he started the engine, rubbing your head with the other hand as he began to drive.

“a date with you? i’ve got other priorities.” you eyed him with a grin.

“change it then. put me on your top 5 or something.” his proud giggles put a confused look on your face and his lips flattened quickly at your response. jaehyun hoped you at least felt butterflies, but maybe it hasn’t developed yet. “what? i gotta be on your list somehow.”

“oh wow jaehyun you’re really determined.” you soothed your temples and he just laughed. “fine, uh. top 10?”

“agh man i gotta work nine bars higher to be your top 1.” he faked a hiss, earning an airy scoff from you.

“you’re not gonna be my top 1. my mom and dad are. education’s second.”

“then third?”

“no. that’s my bunny’s place.”

“ugh bunbun’s before me.” he whined. “anyway i’m gonna be part of your top 5.”

the car turned to a much narrower road. jaehyun insisted it was the shortcut and that the longer way was going to take minutes. not like you wanted to assume highly of how he knew some paths, but maybe he had dealings or encounters before at 17 years of age. heck that was him in the past. he was different now.

he reached out to the stereo and made a few taps onto the touch screen, sliding his fingers to the side to maximise the volume. it was a playlist full of jazzy, chilling instrumental tracks to hype up the mood and taking your heads off of studying. you never really heard him sing before, but you knew he was a good one in just humming.

as you listened with the playlist he tuned in, your eyes stayed on the road for a good minute before the car’s side view mirror flickered with lights, catching your attention. to be exact, they were red laser lights.

was something there? or were you just tired?

you brushed it off, telling yourself continuously that it was a result of staying behind the laptop screen too long. jaehyun didn’t seem to notice so maybe it was really just you. the car finally reached a stoplight, you sighed heavily at its disappearance when you looked at the mirror of your side.

but then it flashed again.

as if you both were being followed.

jaehyun spotted your discomposure and the frequent shuffles in positions to find comfort of the seat. “y/n, need a break? wait a little because we’re almost there-”

“i- i think we’re being followed.” you find your palms clenching the sides of the seat, avoiding to look at the mirror again. the feeling you had that night at the dark alley came back; chest pounding and breaths so uneven. you didn’t tell jaehyun what you felt that night and kept it to yourself so of course he wouldn’t know of your situation now.

jaehyun’s brows creased inquisitionly, his pupils shifted to his side of the mirror in an instant. they grew wider at the sight of a familiar vehicle and logo that was overlapping the car brand. he thought he’d never see them once more, but unluckily he did tonight. he cursed in whispers and although he said it softly, those alone made your worries shoot up like rockets. the circular light emitted green. you felt your body being pressed back against the seat at the force and speed jaehyun drove. “we’re gonna have to skip the date and rush home, okay?”

he tapped the stereo’s touchscreen to mute the track that coincidentally matched the tension you both were feeling now. “you’re driving fast~” you said with your sarcastic singing. a hum from him raised a tad more worry. “why are you driving fast~”

he only chuckled.

“jaehyun, the only time you drive fast is when we receive an medical emergency!” you panicked in all high pitches your voice could ever give.

“uh- this is kind of an emergency y/n!” he still gave a giggle despite being in a frenzy.

“it’s not medical! we’re not in the ambo!” you huffed in excessive breaths to attempt to calm yourself.

“i know but-”

gunshot.

it wasn’t once.

it was five times at most.

you gasped then squealed, unsure whether to cover yourself with your forearms or still hold onto the seat. jaehyun pulled over the car to a stop, making you shiver and the feeling went down to your spine then palms while your grip tightened onto the seatbelt. you let the window on your side lower for some air. it might seemed strange to some people passing by, but you were muttering words as if you were enchanting a spell to summon the supernatural; where as in fact you were really, really scared.

at times like these, all you wanted to do was to head home and forget that this ever happened.

“why did you stop?” you asked, sounding panicky and jaehyun didn’t seem to do the same. “we’re being chased and you decide to-”

the scratch of the tire from the vehicle following you hit from behind, plunging both of your torsos to the front and stretched the seatbelts. your eyes blurred for second and as the clear began to come in, jaehyun signalled you to bend low. when you obliged and cowered down, he took off his jacket and placed it above you. “y/n, don’t get off the car. i got this.” you felt that he grabbed something from the drawer in front of him, later putting it in his pockets.

you hitched a breath. “w-why? where are you going?!”

“shhh.. if you did, i won’t forgive you.” he warned and closed the door.

“stop cutting me off!” you gave a little tantrum that you hit your head onto the pull-out drawer. “stupid jaehyun!”

you heard mumbles of exchanged dialogues between jaehyun and two late twenties men. the patience you’ve always had had run out and carefully your fingers pulled the door handle to head out. soon you found yourself tiptoeing and crouching all at the same time; just like how you used to sneak to the kitchen at midnight to grab some snacks. the air was cool, much to your surprise jaehyun and the two men were just, talking.

in the two weeks since knowing jaehyun, you hesitated in asking more of his past. not that you couldn’t tolerate the endless stares and whispers from the public, but you were just curious about the man who evolved to b.a.d boy. 

“jaehyun.” you whisper-yelled but there was no response from him. he had his hands behind him. though relaxed, there was tension shown in them. based on his gestures he knew of your presence. his hands formed to a ‘thumbs up’; turning sideways, telling you to head back into the car.

you had your palms onto the door handle when the conversation became clear to you.

“what're you both doing here?” he asked the two men, later their surnames revealed to be park and jang. “i thought i said i’m resigning.”

“you resigned before boss made his decision. he wants you back in the group.” park said, handing him an envelope. “accept this and you’ll get all you asked for; your own room at the base, the money from-”

jaehyun took the envelope and tore them to pieces. “i’m not going back to that life ever. knowing you lot, pisses me off up until now, you tried luring me into dirty money.”

it wasn’t like you wanted to get involved with jaehyun. it just seemed you were just caught in the wrong time and in the wrong moment. even that night in the dark alley. you mumbled and grumbled to yourself, profanities spoken internally that maybe you shouldn’t have heard something so private-

“then i could just guess you’re now using her for dirty money?” jang caught your collar and pulled you from behind the car. “you really think you could earn money without our help huh.”

“y/n, i told you not to come out.” he turned around so quickly that the scowl from his lips made you regret breaking that order. 

“who do we have here? jaehyun you seem to get yourself a hottie-” park walked closer to where you were.

“let me go.” you spat him, disgusted at their assumption. 

“let y/n go, she has nothing to do with this.” jaehyun grabbed your arm, putting you behind his large, broad frame.

“sure will, jung. but she has something to do with you.” park laughed, his hands reached for his pocket. jaehyun didn’t seem to see that, but you were aware where this might escalate to. you plunged forward that you were in front him, hugging him fully before your friend realized the frightful action.

bang. bang.

the tightness and uneasiness in your chest wasn’t the car chase nor the two men, nor the fired gunshots.

it was the men’s bloodlust for jaehyun.

they cursed and yelled as they left the scene, saying that they meant to shoot him, not you. it took a while for jaehyun to process what had happened. he looked down at your collapsing body, blood dampening his hands as he touched the wound to stop it from bleeding further. “y/n?.. y/n! stay with me, okay? don’t you dare close your eyes on me!”

he saw you attempting to caress his cheek with a pained smile before it turned emotionless. 

“y/n!”

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it had been exactly a week since you were shot, because of that jaehyun avoided you. people looked at ease when they saw you alone and you weren’t used to it. he would always be there every second of the day, either already buying you lunch or carrying your bag. not even your parents heard of him when after jaehyun brought you to your apartment. having parents work in the medical field sure was convenient.

the morning’s sun shone your room and you stood in front of your mirror, still in your pj’s. turning slightly to the side, you lifted the fabric to see the two sets of stitches just below the bra strap line. your mom knocked onto your door, smiling in relief at the sight of recovery. “breakfast’s ready.”

you smiled back, remembering the worries plastered on their faces. in most cases, a patient would want to see their parents once they came into the conscious. for you however, wanted to see jaehyun. “yeah i’ll be down soon.”

the smell of toast and hot chocolate smacked you in the nose and you started walking slowly down the stairs. your groggy eyes caught sight of the one you didn’t want to see. “ah, she’s awake.” your dad nudged the male. jaehyun looked up at the loft, his ears shading from pink to red. 

he gulped, and your dad laughed. “wow that was loud. chill jae, she’s walking down the stairs, not the aisle.”

“i didn’t think of that, sir.”

jaehyun got up from the dinning area to help you. his fingers felt the bandage wrapped around your torso and immediate guilt flushed his body. “y/n i-”

“don’t apologize. it wasn’t your fault.” you smiled and he flattened his lips, surprised that you knew what he was about to say. as you sat down, your parents were all dressed and ready for work. “i just got here and you’re leaving me alone?”

“that’s why we called jaehyun here. he lives just across the street. we’ll see you tonight sweetheart.”

silence consumed the house once the door shut to a close. jaehyun rested comfortably on the chair with his arms behind his head. hungry as you were, you began to eat, cautious and carefully. you told yourself you should be used to having him around. however, it was today that you felt nervous. even his exhales got you on the edge. you tried to look at him, only to avert your eyes immediately when he caught you. “how’s the wound?” he asked.

“well i never thought i’d experience it myself before i’d treat actual patients.” you said, soon grasping the situation that you didn’t mean to put it directly at him. “ah i’m not saying this because i blame you for what happened-”

“i know, but.. you did treat me when i was shot.” jaehyun took a sip of his cup. “so your answer’s invalid.”

“you asked the damned question jaehyun!” you scoffed and slight stood from your chair.

jaehyun saw a brief shade of pale onto your lips and went beside you. you looked up to see him with eyebrows narrowed. “get up, i’m checking your wound.”

“my wounds are perfectly fine! mom just fixed it.” you angrily munched on your toast when he suddenly knelt on the floor, back facing you. “what the heck are doing?”

“i’m giving you a piggyback ride.” his hands gestured you to get on.

“what am i, five?” you ignored his offer.

“what are you, ms. stubborn? if you move now, you’ll widen the already opened incision.” he finally turned around to carry you and when he placed you on the sofa, he grabbed the first aid.

“this is so awkward.” you sat in front of jaehyun as you lifted your shirt. 

“not at all. i’m treating a stubborn patient who apparently is very cranky early in the morning.” he carefully cut the surgical tape and held his breath when he saw the two stitches from gunshot wounds onto your flesh. “look about this..”

you waited for him to speak, but he didn’t continue further and treated the wounds. “why are you blaming yourself?”

“because you got hurt.” he gently dabbed with a cotton. “when it was supposed to be me. i didn’t see that he already got it out and before i know it, blood was spilled.”

“but you didn’t pull the trigger.” you bent your head down.

“but i’m the cause why it triggered, okay?!” he raised his voice, making you flinch at his tone from behind. “i ran away from my past so that i could live a good one! yet it still haunts me and every where i go, i’m always caught in their web! it’s been like this! then when i met you, i was afraid and i knew that i’ll eventually put you in harm’s way. deep inside me, i saw it as a sign that being with you might protect me, that they wouldn’t do anything to me when you’re with me. then when the gun fired, there you were saving me from my mistakes and-”

you felt a heavy weight onto your head, teardrops dampening the nape of your neck. “i’m so sorry y/n..” 

“you really *coughs* are a bad boy.” you said so suddenly that jaehyun shot up. your coughs made him to kneel in front of you, checking if you were alright.

“what?” he asked.

“a baby and dumb boy.” you giggled through breaths and though it got him taken aback, he was assured, somehow. “did i ever blame you for the gunshots? did i say it was you who hurt me? i never thought of you as the guy everyone thought they saw two years ago. so why are you still sticking with the fact that i might change after that night? i know you grabbed a gun too, but you didn’t bring it out. if you ran away from the past that just means you’re willing move forward to the new. if you’re afraid of ever hurting me, i know fully that you’ll never do that.”

he sat onto the carpet waiting for your next words; like a golden retriever, you told yourself. “i was looking for you when i woke up and besides, when i took the bullet.. it’s kind of..” you paused. “..returning the favor for saving me too? if you were shot, it might ease the people who were judgmental of you but.. not me. i wouldn’t be able to sleep if that happened you know? like-”

you saw his torso moving closer to yours. it was brief, but you saw the warmest smile from his lips before he hugged you. his hands caressed your head as if he was doing it to a child. “ah.. so i topped first?” 

“ha?” 

“i was your top 1 after all.” he smiled that his cheeks formed those damned dimples. “you thought of me before your parents and bunbun.”

“n-no! i mean i-it’s normal, right? the last person i saw before fainting was you so i-”

jaehyun rather than listening to your excuses longer, he preferred to hug you before you catch his ear turning redder. when he let go of you, his eyes twinkled as if a shooting star reflected in them.

“y/n, do you know you’re extra pretty when you’re flustered?” he teased, going back to treating your wound.

dumbfounded, you scoffed at his easy-goingness. “do you know you’re extra flirty when you think i like you?”

“you don't like me?” he whimpered how a puppy would do.

“i don’t.” you replied so proudly.

“that’s so mean.” he began to take the scissors to trim off the extra strand of tape. “i compliment you all-” 

you closed the gap in between. “i love you.” you closed your eyes as you said the three words you planned not to tell him. 

jaehyun gasped but he smiled afterwards. “my dream’s granted already?”

“urgh don’t make me more embarrassed than i already am jaehyun! i hate it when you’re always having fun and-”

“i love you too.”

[hcpefulmarshmallow]

Good morning, friends. It’s been a whole hot minute since I ruined that FIHA guy for everyone by scrutinizing and over-analyzing every sentence he’s ever said, because what can I say, I have weird hobbies. So we’re going to do that. But before we jump down this rabbit-hole, I just want to clarify one thing. I’ll probably wind up using a lot of certain language in this post. Talking about a lot of “is” and “isn’t”, “should” and “shouldn’t”, things that “will” and “won’t” work. Just know I’m not trying to dunk on anyone else’s portrayal here. The last thing I want to do is discourage anybody’s work. This is based on my interpretation of the character solely. So, with that out of the way:

 I do so love taking every chance I get to bring up this screenshot. Why? I don’t know, maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. But among other things, it establishes love - a happy relationship, a partnership, something in which Nagito can feel safe and secure and cared for - as the thing he wants more than anything else in the world. So let’s talk about why that’s nearly unattainable for him!  

 Since Nagito loves books, let’s use those to try and make some sense of all this. Think of where he’s at now, mentally and emotionally, as book one. The final book - the endgame - is him being happy and settled in that place he wants to be. So how is he supposed to get there? Well, all the books in between. There are lessons to be learned, adventures to be had. He needs to grow and change. See, it’s not really a matter of “wow this person loves me, how cool”, because something as simple as that can still crumble the shaky foundation upon which his entire philosophy and view of the world sits.

 You may have noticed this, but Nagito’s life has been, uh...c͞ha͜ot̢ic̷. He’s been tortured, kidnapped, terminally ill, lost everyone he’s ever cared for, left all alone to deal with it all. He needs a way to process all this, and a reason to keep on living. And I think you know where I’m going with this. No matter what else, Nagito believes in Hope. And in order for Hope to exist, so must despair, or else Hope is worthless. And we can’t have that. Some people are worthy to bring about that Hope, some are not. Nagito has firmly planted himself in the latter category, due to all the pain his luck has caused. (And by extension, pardon the gratuitous use of my own headcanon, all the pain he caused, owing to how he blames himself for it’s existence, seeing it as a punishment for his very first instance of tragic luck - the death of his childhood pet, which he feels responsible for.) Remember, he needs this. He needs to believe that hope will follow despair, that bad luck serves to precede good, that for all the scum out there like him, there’s someone capable of undoing it all; or at least, capable of making it into something worthwhile. He needs to.

 Enter the person whose affection Nagito wants. He could only ever love someone who is full of hope. In fact, he’s even said as much. So, that’s the kind of person whose love he’d want in return. Let’s say, he finds that in someone. Wow! Cool! Except, for someone that wonderful, their love is worth a great deal. Which means it can’t be given to just anyone. Which means they must be somehow justified in giving it to him. Which is impossible, because he’s worthless garbage that’s only good for bringing about misery. He must be, because if he isn’t, then he truly is a victim of circumstance. Because if that’s the case, perhaps luck truly is random and not a balanced force. And if that’s true, then all those horrible things he’s seen truly were all happenstance. Which means that good luck will not always follow bad, which means hope may not always follow despair, which means life itself is just one traumatising disappointment after another, and after being tortured, and kidnapped, and diagnosed with a terminal illness, and worst of all, losing everyone he’s ever loved until he’s all alone in the world, what’s the point of even living? It’s not just that he is worthless, it’s that he must be.

 Do you see the dilemma? 

 Nagito relies so deeply on this shaky, unsteady philosophy, that if it crumbles away, he will probably lose his grip on reality. And though Danganronpa practically confirms hope, despair and luck to be tangible and real, if somewhat abstract, concepts; even Nagito’s dependence on it is supposed to be seen as, ah, Much. So how can he accept the love he so desperately needs, if he can never deserve it?

 And that, at last, brings us to the apotheosis of this whole post. Entirely too many words in. Whoops. 

 So, how should one react when faced with Nagito’s vitriolic, cruel, verbal self-flagellation? How ought one go about changing his mind without completely shattering him? Or, to put it another way: what do when he starts up on his bullshit?

 I’ve seen various writers, muses and such go about this different ways. Often to the tune of: “No ur not”. Which is not a bad or reductive response, to be clear. It’s the most obvious reaction, I think most people with a shred of empathy would say something to that effect. Of course he’s not useless scum with nothing to offer anybody - it’s true and you should say it. It would probably even make him feel nice for a moment. 

 What I’m getting at is: it’s just not very constructive. 

 Remember how I mentioned the books? I don’t know of a series where you can read the first book, skip to the last, and nothing in between matters. You’re just going to wind up confused and frustrated, just like many people are with him. Ultimately, Nagito will probably just smile and say something like “haha you’re too nice to me”, but with a simple “but you’re not trash” approach, nothing’s really going to change. He’s not going to give up his self-deprecating ways. His mindset won’t be altered. He’ll just think you’re humouring him or something. The road for him to accept someone’s love easily and readily is long, and takes patience. Rather than committing to an uphill battle, might I humbly suggest, instead, just leading him there willingly, step by step? So little by little, that even as his entire wold view is chipped away, he’ll have the chance to replace it with something stronger. 

 Banning him from ever saying anything bad about himself probably won’t help. If anything, he’ll just feel he needs to bury his true feelings deeper because they’re so annoying and troublesome. There’s a simpler, much better way to at least get him on the right track. Rather than denying him his point of view, just make it look a little nicer. Like, yeah, maybe he’s trash, but like, quality trash. Less stinky leftovers, more, a lottery ticket someone accidentally dropped in the bin. It still sounds callous, but we’re taking baby steps here. 

 I mean, I’m sure there’s lots of ways to approach this, but what I’m saying is: dealing with him takes a great deal of patience and kindness. And if he gets too difficult to argue with, then don’t. Sometimes small gestures and physical affection can speak volumes. It really is a page-by-page process, and sometimes, it might seem like he’s learned the next lesson, only to forget it again. Progress isn’t linear. And his hatred for himself isn’t something he can sternly be talked out of. Really, nobody can. That kind of change comes from inside, and it can start without others even knowing.

 So, I supposed the point is...please be patient with him? I guess? I mean, he’s such a difficult and frustrating guy to deal with at times. But he’s also committed, loyal, kind, selfless, hardworking, playful, and so, so loving. And I’m not really sure how this post went from an examination of how Nagito’s world view obstructs his ability to receive love, to “deAR GOD SOMEONE PLEASE JUST PAT HIM AND TELL HIM HE’S GOOD, I’M BEGGING” but there you have it.

[gkingoffez]

Written for @bizarrebird, for @redvsbluesecretsanta 2018, who requested Tucker fluff on Iris, with a side of Tuckington. 

Have a Merry Christmas and/or happy holiday season everyone, and thanks for reading my work this year!

Words: 2,497

AO3 | FFN.Net 

Only after the Chorus contingent has flown away and the initial hubbub of excited exploring has died down a bit, can Tucker finally slip away for a moment of motherfucking peace.

He climbed to the roof of the brand new Blue base and took a 360 survey of the landscape surrounding their new home.

It was fucking beautiful, so far removed from the grimey Armonia cityscape, the hellish heat of temple or even Blood Gulch’s lifeless desert canyon. Mountains rose up in the distance, blue peaks with rocky cliffs and greenish yellow grass spread out before them. Several armoured figures were darting about near the shore of the giant blue lake in the centre of it all, including a bird-chasing Caboose and Donut, and a pair of helmetless ex- Freelancers.

Wash’s ass looked particularly muscular from a distance.

Overall, it was different to any moon Tucker had even been to, more like the pictures of New Zealand from before global warming had fucked up nature’s shit than the dusty, unoccupied parts of Earth’s moon, or even the teeming jungle moon Endor from Star Wars.

It was pretty and picturesque and nice and just... good.

They deserved a break, and a beautiful place to relax in, and hopefully not fuck up too much (Sarge had already been talking about setting up perimeter mines and homing rockets, which could only end badly).

They needed some time away from the rest of the galaxy, without traumatising separation, civil wars, asshole mercenaries and all that general soldier bullshit getting in the way of what they did best- standing around and talking.

This was what they’d been promised when they boarded that ship back to Blood Gulch oh so long ago, and damnit was Tucker gonna take every advantage he could while it lasted.

The dusk arrived, and then gave way to evening as Tucker sat there. Caboose had fallen into the lake, shed his armour and rolled around in the grass in the interim, while Wash and Carolina had long since retreated inside.

Tucker sat and looked up to the sky and the stars. They were different from the ones over Chorus or Earth or Blood Gulch or anywhere else, which was another good thing. New stars, new chances, new beginnings for all.

He has a moment of utter peace before he falls asleep.

-

“The stars are different, aren’t they?”

There was a beat of silence in the cool evening air.

“...Are you being serious right now?” asked Wash. “Tucker, you do realise we’re in an entirely different star system now, right?”

Tucker scoffed indignantly. “I’m not an idiot, dude, I was just pointing out that- you know what, nevermind.”

Wash rustled on the grass beside him, obviously thinking. There was a pause

“No, I get what you mean. It always takes a while for your brain to adjust to new patterns and environments, of course the sky looks different to your eyes. I guess humans aren’t really evolved to adapt to new skies, but if we’d stayed with what was familiar and comfortable, we’d never have left Earth, I guess.”

“...no need start philosophising dude. The stars are different, it ain’t that deep.”

Wash huffed in amusement, and Tucker glanced at him. His silver streaked hair glinted in the planet-light.

“On a somewhat related note, what’s your favourite night sky?” asked Wash, still staring straight upwards.

Tucker raised his eyebrow in confusion.

“Favourite planet to view the sky from, I mean. Like, Earth is a classic, there’s so many well-known constellations.”

“Dunno,” grunted Tucker. “But Earth would be the boring choice, besides, you can barely see anything through the pollution.”

Wash inhaled deeply, his chest rising and falling.

“I did basic in Leonis-Minoris. It’s a binary system, you know, so it wasn’t dark planet-side too often. But when both stars set, boy did it get dark. Camp was out in the middle of nowhere away from the light pollution of the colonies, so you really could see everything, even the dust from the Milky Way. Any shooting star you saw was guaranteed to be a ship entering the atmosphere, though, so that took a little bit of the magic away.”

“Sick,” added Tucker.

“What about Blood Gulch?” asked Wash, twisting until he was on his side facing Tucker. “You were there, what, five years? You must have spent a lot of time looking up with nothing else to do.”

Tucker couldn’t help it- he burst into laughter. “Are you being serious, dude? The sun barely ever set there, and when it did it wasn’t some huge event. Yeah, maybe there was a heap of stars because we were in the middle of goddamn nowhere, but none of us gave a shit either way; it was all about dealing with the stupidity and trying not to die of boredom on a daily basis.”

Wash chuckled. “I forgot about that, although to be fair I only really skimmed that report before I visited. Did I ever tell you about Sarge’s cardboard cutouts?”

“God, that’s not even the worst thing Sarge did. One time his robot started a revolution with our tank at the most inconvenient fucking time possible.”

“Sounds familiar. Have you seen him gathering materials for his new army lately?”

Tucker groaned. “Not this again.”

Wash chuckled, then laid his hand over Tucker’s. They turned and grinned at each other, Wash’s smile turning from amused to a familiar softness.

“Who knows- maybe your newfound appreciation for simple things like stars means that you’ve grown a bit since Blood Gulch.”

Tucker looked into Wash’s shadowed eyes.

“Maybe, yeah,” he sighed.

“Yeah,” smiled Wash.

“Yeah,” interjected Caboose dreamily.

“Caboose, I thought I told you to stay quiet!” snapped Tucker, jerking in the other direction. He had almost forgotten that his dumbass teammate was there, lying on his other side.

“I know, but you were all agreeing to something and I wanted to agree too!”

“Fucking hell, man,” said Tucker, shaking his head. He wove his fingers more tightly in Wash’s, settled onto his back again and looked back to the stars. The night was clear and revealed thousands upon thousands of tiny bright dots.

“Hey Tucker, which one of them is Chorus?” Caboose asked, pointing upwards.

Tucker groaned. Wash sniggered.

-

“You’ve been out there like five times already. What the fuck do you even do up there so late?” asked Grif, as he shovelled food into his mouth at the breakfast table like a starving man. “Are you taking those magazines and beating off all night?”

“That’s gross, Grif,” yelled Carolina from across the table.

“No, asshole. I’m just taking some time to myself. Just lying there, looking up at the sky, thinking about stuff, taking in the view, ya’know.”

Grif paused with a burrito halfway to his mouth. “Sounds like some girly shit, dude.”

“Stop talking, Grif,” came Carolina’s voice.

Tucker shrugged, taking a swig of his coffee. “It gets me away from you fuckwits, so it must be worth it.”

-

They chose a spot near the lake to meet after dinner, all sitting in a circle in various stages of armour wear, from Caboose’s pyjamas to Carolina’s full suit (minus only helmet) and weapon lineup.

Tucker cleared his throat.

“Here ye, here ye! I call this band meeting to order. Judge Tucker, sex-god and your humble leader, presiding.”

He banged a rock down on the ground like a gavel.

“You’re not the leader, Tucker,” said Grif, flat-toned. He rustled with the packet of M&Ms in his hand.

“Yeah, if anyone’s the leader, that would have to be the lead singer,” sung Carolina, drawing out the last word torturously long.

Tucker fought back the urge to grimace, and exchanged knowing a look with Grif. If only they had the balls to tell Carolina she wasn’t that good of a singer. If only.

“Anyway,” said Carolina, “We don’t have to decide that now, we’ll have plenty of time to iron out the details later. Firstly, and maybe most importantly, we need to come up with a name.”

“The Red Beatles,” said Grif.

“Fuck no, Twenty-One Blues,” shot back Tucker.

“Caboose and His Best Friends!” interjected Caboose excitedly, waving his arms.

“Also something we don’t have to decide right now,” conceded Carolina. “So we have all our instruments and know all our roles... so, uh, anything else we need to talk about?”

“Yeah, I have a question. Why the fuck are we out here again?” Grif huffed, gesturing around. “There’s a perfectly good room with a perfectly good couch in the base and instead I gotta pull pebbles out my ass because Tucker has a hard on for nature suddenly?”

“Dude!” cried Tucker. “Artists draw inspiration from nature all the time. Just look at this shit.” He gestured upwards, all three of his friends followed his hand. “You could write a thousand love songs looking at this.”

The sky that night was on the more breathtaking end of Iris’ spectrum- They had no need for any light source other than it, the light reflecting from the planet and the ocean of stars enveloping it enough to make the whole moon surface glow.

“You still haven’t told me which one is Chorus yet, Tucker,” Caboose said quietly.

“Boo hoo, nature’s pretty, the sky’s so sexy I wanna die, waaaaah,” cried Grif pettily. “That’s what you sound like, Tucker.”

“Fuck off, red.”

Carolina shook her head. “I mean, yeah’s it’s beautiful, Tucker, but we need to get back to band business now. Now, hear me out boys, and don’t say anything until I’m finished- one word, tassles-”

Tucker had never suffered so much in his life as he did trying to swallow back a groan in that moment. He looked up.

-

“Do you miss Church?” Sarge asked gruffly, out of nowhere, not looking up from cleaning his gun.

Tucker shuffled, surprised and pensive. It was just the two of them, leaning up against their ramshackle base on the cusp of sunrise. A pale sky and dim stars stretched above them- either of them had spoken a word, both still shaking off sleep and a chill in the air.

Tucker swirled his coffee between his  bare fingers.

“I don’t know. Probably. Wasn’t the first time he left, you know? I’m used to it.”

Sarge grunted in acknowledgment and brought the barrel of his shot to eye level, peering down to check for blockages.

“He saved us all, in the end. This is probably the nicest thing I’ll ever say about one of you Blues, but I’m gonna miss him.”

Tucker swallowed. There was a tightness behind his eyes.

“Yeah,” was all he said in reply.

-

“Tucker...”

Tucker started from his doze at the sound.

“Tucker... ooooHHhhhh.”

He looked around, peering blearily through the darkness, the familiar landscape forming around him- outside on the rocky cliffside, he’d fallen asleep under the stars again. Not too unusual for him lately.

Something poked at his side, and he reached under the thin camp mattress he’d commandeered for stargazing, and pulled out a sharp rock, which was promptly thrown away.

“Tucker I am a ghoooost! Ooohhhhhh I am... scaryyyyyyy.”

Tucker sighed very audibly, rubbing at his eyes.

“Caboose, get your fucking ass back in this dimensional plane right now,” he yelled into the night. “If I can hear you now that means you must have found a way back- so just come through before you’re lost in the abyss for all eternity, or some shit.”

There was a pause, then-

“Oooooooh. Scary ghost! Scarrryyyyyyyy!”

Tucker was tired. He just wanted to go back to sleep.

“Come on dude. Wash is getting worried about you. Just come back.”

Another silent beat.

“...okay. Sorry.”

“Good. And you’re not a ghost, okay? Don’t say that.”

With a grunt, Tucker rolled over. He shot a glance at the starry sky above him, smeared with wisps of clouds, before settling back in to sleep.

He swore he heard footsteps walking down the rocky path to the base as he drifted off.

-

It was muggy beyond all belief.

Instead of tossing all night, sweating through the sheets and disturbing Wash, Tucker opted for a the second option. He carefully jumped up, pulled some boxers on, grabbed his camp mattress and set up shop a little ways outside their jumbled-together base.

He lay with his arms folded under his head in the somewhat fresh night air, gazing straight up at the now familiar stars.

Tucker would never admit it to anyone around him, but he was enjoying his stargazing habit far more than he’d expected. If you’d told him a year ago he’d spent so many nights outside pondering stars, Tucker would have laughed his ass off.

But between the fire, the dinosaurs, the water park,  the robots, the second fire, the dinosaur-robot war and having no one else to talk to but all his idiot friends, the peace of Iris at night and the twinkling of burning stars a thousand star systems away was a respite among chaos. It was kinda like his rock back in Blood Gulch, in that sense.

It wasn’t every night (he wasn’t nearly that sentimental, god), just every once in a while. He’d sneak off, maybe take Wash or anyone else who felt like it with him (which didn’t happen often, not that he minded) and chill out away from the crazy everyday shit that went down when multi-coloured idiots all lived together on a moon in the middle of nowhere space.

Truth be told, he’d never been a fan of stars before- maybe there’d been more interest in the universe before it all became so commonplace (and dangerous), but cultural attitudes had changed. He hadn’t joined the military to travel, mostly just to pick up hot military chicks and maybe fire a gun.

It was entirely possible he still wasn’t a fan of stars, and was just trying to vainly recreate that initial moment of peace from the first night on Iris. Maybe he was a sappy bitch at heart. Who fucking knew?

All he knew was that when he lay down and looked up at night, things were kinda okay. Nothing was on fire, people weren’t dying and his friends were all safe and asleep just down the hill.

It wouldn’t stay that way forever, and the system’s sunwould rise in a few hours, bringing new daily terrors. Grif could very well spike someone else’s food with his Meth-Meth, Carolina could take another opportunity to ‘practice’ her ‘singing’ and Sarge was extremely likely to be continuing his impossible war against gravity as soon as he humanly could.

Anything was possible. They could be dragged into another galaxy-hopping adventure any day now, or Donut could succeed in burning the entire moon down, them along with it.

The future was up in the air, but at that moment, Tucker felt peace as he stared up at the twinkling stars, the warm air a comforting blanket to lull him back to sleep.