#yeah there's better ways for Sammy Gutierrez to go

[swan2swan]

There were worse things she could see on the way out, but this one's just Disappointing.

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode Eleven: Ringin’ Hell’s Doorbell

View on Google Docs

Summary: October 1, 2015 - After an unexpected listener call-in, the boys find a cassette tape in the mail and listen live as an adventure unfolds from one of King Falls less-friendly hiking trails.

[podcast intro music]

[KFAM intro music]

Sammy Welcome back, everyone. The time is 4:44AM here at King Falls AM.

Ben It’s a slow night. You wanna do… weather and traffic?

Sammy It’s warmin’ up! And if there’s traffic at this ungodly hour, we got problems.

Ben *snickers* Got that right, Sammy! Uh, before we go back to the phones in a sec, I’ve got an email I’d like to read you. I think you’ll get a kick out of this. [definitely smirking]

Sammy Oh! Well, very cool. Alright, whatcha got?

Ben [eager] So, you know I wrote the producers of Mission Apparition, right?

Sammy … No. What are you talkin’ about?

Ben Yes you do. It’s that brain tumor of a show on Channel 13?

Sammy I-I- I know the show, Ben! I’m saying I didn’t know you wrote them.

Ben Dude. You’re gonna love it. I emailed trying to get them booked as guests so we could tear them apart. *snicker*

Sammy Well, I mean, they did keep the lights on a few weeks back, running an ad, of course. [not hopeful] So, please don’t tell me you got confrontational?

Ben If telling the truth about their staged scares counts as confrontational, then… [smug] I totally did.

Sammy Okay, so you accost a paid sponsor of King Falls AM; please continue…

Ben *excited laughter* Okay, let me read this to you. “Dear Sammy,”- [aside] sorry, you— left your station email up.

Sammy Uh-huh.

Ben “Dear Sammy, We at Mission Apparition are extremely sorry! you feel the show is “Overly Produced” and not “true to the nature of actual distressed spirits.” In actuality, Dan and Larry are two of the most highly trained professionals in this field. While we appreciate constructive criticism, name-calling just isn’t needed. If you have any real suggestions to make the show better, please let us know.”

Sammy Ben. [resigned] What did you call them?

Ben Doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I wrote them back, and they’re going to be shooting a future episode- of the show- in King Falls.

Sammy No way!

Ben I said “we have many fine spectral establishments here.” The gauntlet was thrown down and they took the bait.

Sammy As much as I hate to say this, you’re gonna get to see the Mission Apparition guys in a real situation at least.

Ben Oh yeah. [stoked] I’m not sure which to offer up the old Slaughter House off Cottontail Hollow or the library.

Sammy I’m not gonna make a you’re-trying-to-impress-Emily comment here, because I know that that place is chock full of activity.

Ben Exactly.

Sammy But… [semi-muttered] You are trying to impress Emily.

Ben *deep breath* Whatevs. K-ca- Okay, get this though! After I told them I was co-host of a late-night AM talk show? they asked if I’d like to come on set so I can get an interview live.

Sammy Well, book it! Make it happen!

Ben Done and done.

Sammy But please stop using my email.

Ben No promises.

Sammy Alright folks, after that exciting announcement, we’re gonna open up the phone lines to you, our dear listeners. And, uh, Ben? You got a topic?

Ben *tsk* I absolutely do, but you can’t have it until a touch after the 5 o’clock hour, Sammy.

Sammy You heard the man, ladies and gents. It’s a bonafide free-for-all for the next ten minutes or so. Give us a call 424-279-3858.

Ben Or hit us up on twitter @kingfallsam

Sammy Lucky Line 1, you’re live with Sammy and Ben.

Line 1 [deep, nasally, almost bestial voice] Uh, yeah… *heavy breathing, smacking lips* Did you check the mail? Heh

Sammy [mildly sarcastic] Maybe once or twice in my lifetime, uh, do you have a topic? Or is this Ted Kaczynski[1] calling from prison?

Line 1 Uh… you’ll have a topic sooon… heh… [ominous click, dial tone]

Ben Yoouu know I should go take a look in our mail slot now, right?

Sammy [exasperated] Don’t.

Ben It’s a verbal triple-dog-dare! I’ll be right back.

Sammy *sighs* One day, it’s just gonna be a head. I just know it. Line 5, welcome to King Falls AM.

[ominous music]

Line 5 [voice is male, higher pitched, and very nervous] Oh, I got through! Sammy?! I- I need to speak with you in private. Please!

Sammy Iii’m gonna be a little bit sir- we just came back from break. But I’m happy to talk about whatever.

Line 5 We really can’t talk about this on the air. Ehh *nervous breathing* It’s about… wwel-I- *quick sigh* - I really don’t wanna say too much, but— I sent you a text message about, uh…ohh…a month or so back? We need to speak! It’s incredibly urgent!

Sammy Sir, I get a lot of texts over the course of a month.

Line 5 W-well- we can’t talk about this on the air.

Sammy Who am I speaking with?

Ben [returning] We have mail, Sammy!

Line 5 [almost whispered] I turned the power back on…

Ben Mr. Thompson?

Probably Mr. Thompson Err— no! [click, dial tone]

Sammy Hello? Sir?

Ben What was that about? [laughing slightly] I swear that dude sounded just like my old science professor.

Sammy Can you get a number on line 5, Ben?

Ben … Yeah! Yeah… uh, in a minute! Look at this!

Sammy *laugh* Is that a cassette tape?

Ben Yeah. No letter— just a tape. It’s labeled “D.D.” [eager] We should play this.

Sammy I hope it’s Duran Duran.

Ben I’ll just stick this in… heeere.

Sammy Uh, do you think we should listen to that first? I know you got a trigger finger on the dump, but…

Ben [smugly] You’re looking at the fastest finger in the tri-state.

Sammy You know, there’s a dirty joke there that, for our friendship, I’m just gonna cruise- right on past.

Ben Where’s the play button on this hunk’a junk? Merv, why do we have a cassette player in the studio?! It’s 2015.

Sammy I think you know why.

Ben [hands rubbing together] I’m excited! [sounds of tape being inserted in the player]

Sammy You better be payin’ attention. I don’t want to hear one –

[TAPE PLAYS]

Lance [heavy Australian accent, narrating like a documentary] “This is Lance McCord checking in. I’m about 5 kilometers off the Stealth Ridge Trail now. It’s heavily wooded and just getting thicker.”

[stop click]

Sammy Do you know this guy? “Lance”?

Ben Never heard of him. But if the “R” word was politically correct for broadcast? I’d totally use it for him right now. That trail is like the boonies within the boonies.

[play click]

Lance “So far so good. I was- I was a bit worried with all the tall tales surrounding the ‘Devil’s Doorstep.’ I guess that’s why I’m talking to you; tracing my steps. Nothing strange or out of the ordinary. I have noticed a lack of wildlife and birds, to be this far in the bush.”

[stop click]

Ben … There is no way.

Sammy “The Devils Doorstep”?

Ben Definitely the R-word— or has a death wish! Or both!

Sammy Where is this place?

Ben [reluctant] It’s north of King Falls. It’s a dark-ass set of woods. Obviously, this guy isn’t from around here because he’d know you don’t even talk about it, much less go there.

Sammy Ominous…

Ben And We Don’t joke about it.

Sammy [challenge accepted] It sounds so inviting, The Devil’s Doorstep. What kind of Welcome Mat do you think the Dark Lord picks out? Do you think he has a “NO SOLICITING” sign?

Ben Stop it. I know you laugh about stuff like this, but… Don’t.

[play click]

[eerie siren-like singing in bg]

Lance “Right, about 30 minutes from my last check in. My mobile has lost signal. It- looks like it’s just you and me, pal. I lost a little bit of, uh, time. I got turned around a few minutes back. All the paths are starting to look really similar, so, it’s hard to… [ominous chant-singing in bg. there’s static/rustling/indistinct whispers that fades in and out] Still no wildlife. I don’t know if any men or women have ever stepped where I’m stepping. I kind of like that.”

[stop click, siren song stops]

Sammy Did you hear something there?

Ben NOPE! NO SINGING.

Sammy I didn’t say singing. I said something.

Ben I didn’t hear anything!

[play click]

[static or whispers in bg]

Lance “It’s getting colder now. Darker. That or my- mind is playing the tiniest of tricks on me. Voices, singing— whispers. It’s, uh– it’s head games. [siren song begins] Nothing’s gonna stop me from making it to the gate.”

[stop click]

Ben I think that’s enough.

Sammy Ben, honestly. “Gate?” I’m not following here. You’re the expert, what’s he looking for? Or- or why’s he even looking for it?

Ben COMMERCIAL TIME! Let’s do this…

[“exciting” sports channel music]

Announcer [Mexican accent] Weekdays! 6 to 9 AM, Listen to the Hector el Chavo Show! The fastest growing show in the fastest growing demographic in the tri-state area! On King Falls Deportes! AM. Every week, Hector el Chavo discusses your favorite sports with your favorite players! Don’t miss out this week. Monday we talk to Big Pine Striker, Javier Rancor. Tuesday we’ll talk to Saddle Creek midfielder, Jorge Carpe-Gutierrez! And Friday we talk to King Falls Goalie Bubba “Super Gringo” Wallis! Tune in to Hector el Chavo Show, King Falls Deportes on 730AM. Your sports capital for goal!!!

[KFAM theme music]

Sammy And welcome back to King Falls AM that’s 660 on the radio dial. We’ve just been listening to a tape we received anonymously. Apparently, there’s a hiker out adventuring in—

Ben [desperately, voice breaking] LINE 8, you’re live.

Finn Ooh boy! Things are getting tense on that tape, y’know?!

Ben Forget the tape! Ha-how-how’re you doing, Finn? Is everything— still intact?

Finn Doin’ swell, just swell! [scratching sounds]

Ben You okay there, Finn?

Finn Oh sorry! Didn’t think you’d pick that up. I’ve just been scratchin something awful the past couple weeks. I got in some poison oak, or— something – I don’t know!

Sammy Glad to hear you’re doing well, after…

Finn *growling* [scratching continues]

Ben [apprehensively] … You got a travel buddy with you tonight, Finn?

Finn Oh, no. [horn in bg] Just got cut off going down the highway, here. [muttered] Lousy drivers… [almost shouting] we got three other lanes y’know! [distracted] Ahh! Look at the food billboards!

Sammy Okaaay. Um, what’s on your mind tonight buddy?

Finn Ah, just callin’ in to say hi… that sorta thing. Plus, this story? Wooweee, who is this guy? Have you talked about this place before? I don’t think I heard you mention it… Uhh, I don’t think…

Ben Because we don’t, Finn.

Finn Spoooky stuff, fellas!

Sammy Yeeaah… I don’t know if you were–

Finn *howls loudly*

Ben I- I’m sorry. Yyou gotta keep your pup- quiet.

Finn [confused] Pup? No doggy here! Just you two fellas- and mee, rolling down the rooaad.

Sammy You don’t have a dog with you, Finn?

Finn Couldn’t if I wanted to. I’m allergic. [scratching]

Ben Are… are you feeling okay? Did you ever get checked out after that night you hit that… were— dog?

Finn What?! I wouldn’t lay hands on a pooch! Are you feelin’ alright, Ben?

Sammy *laugh* He’s talkin’ about the dog you accidentally hit awhile back. Uh, y-you got out to check on it and the call dropped off?

Finn Uh… Naooo, wasn’t me. Y’know, I think I’d remember somethin’ like that! [honking in bg, sound of semi passing] Dammit all, I gotta go, boys. Can’t scratch, drive, and talk at the same time. Finish that tape, it’s givin’ me the willies!

Ben Stay awake and- stay safe, Finn… Make a doctor’s appointment!— maybe…

Sammy Or a vet…

Finn *chuckles* Oh, you two! I’ll catch you later. *loud howl*

[click, dial tone]

Sammy Now, Ben. You know- I love what you do on this show. I wouldn’t wanna do this with anybody-else… BUT. I’ve got a tiny issue with you cutting to unscheduled breaks during conversations.

Ben [innocently] Did that happen? I’m so sorry, I just… I’m so interested in—

Sammy In doing everything but playing that tape. You got us all interested now, man. You gotta follow through.

Ben Okay– [definitely not having fun] it was fun! but I think we should just forget about it.

Sammy Impossible.

Ben S-sit down, don’t—

[play click]

Lance [wind gusting] “There’s no doubt that something is, uh, keeping me away from the gate at this point. [siren song in bg] My- watch has just stopped working, so I don’t know what time it is. I can’t really see the sun from the thickest overhangs to tell… I checked my compass [sing-chanting in bg] to ensure I was… [rustling] WHAT THE?” [creepy sing-chanting intensifies]

Super Creepy Whisper Voice “TURRRN. BAAACK. NOOOW.”

Lance “My fu[bleep]ing compass- is literally spinning like a top! There’s EVIL in these woods! You can feel it- in the air! It’s palpable!”

[stop click]

Sammy Ben! Don’t be mad!

Ben [seriously upset] We shouldn’t be playing this! This isn’t a joke, man! This is a tape that probably needs to go to the proper authorities! I’m gonna google Missing Persons.

Sammy Look, I’m not against that. But let’s finish this up, and at the very least talk to me. Tell us a little bit about the woods.

Ben If- if I tell you, will you stop playing the damn tape?

Sammy Absolutely! Help fill these last minutes until your actual topic of discussion arrives.

Ben *heavy sigh* The path, Lance is on, is called Stealth Ridge. It’s about a five-mile round-trip hike up north in- Perdition Wood.

Sammy You guys really know how to name things here.

Ben *deep breath* Okay, supposedly— as in, “legend-has-it” kind of talk, way off the beaten path— I mean WAY off, as in nobody’s ever seen it— is what he’s looking for. A cave called… [reluctant] “The Devil’s Doorstep”

Sammy Uh-huh.

Ben [agitated] Put two and two together here- Sammy! It’s an entrance to the gates of hell! Many people have went out looking for it! None have ever found it— SOME never return.

Sammy [softly] Have you been up there, Ben?

Ben Once…

Sammy And?

Ben Are you serious?! HELL NO, I haven’t been! I’m not crazy like Crocodile Dundee[1] on that tape.

Sammy I mean, he’s gotta be okay, right? The tape made it here! [getting nervous] I-it could’ve been him who dropped it off in our mail and called tonight! Right?

Ben This was fun for a minute, now it’s just massively creepy. Let’s move— [play click] SAMMY!

Sammy Du- you’re looking at me! I didn’t push the button!

[siren song]

Lance “It is so cold. [wind gusting] I’ve des-scended a great deal from the initial crest- of the ridge it seems … I saw what appeared to be—”

Super Creepy Whisper Voice “LAASST. WAARRNING. MORRTALLL.”

Ben TURN IT OFF!

[click of buttons being pressed on tape player]

[rustling/cracking in bg]

Lance “What the F[bleep] is that?!”

Sammy [sarcastically] Good job!

Ben Alright it won’t stop. Unplug it! I’m not kidding.

Sammy It is unplugged!

[creepy sing-chanting starts, chilling scream]

Lance *breathing hard* “It’s after me! … [calmer] Umm, I- I don’t know what that was. [song/chant continues in bg] I’m heading to the lip of this cove, here. I think I’m just gonna- wait it out- u-until morning. I’m wet, cold– I, uh, caught my jacket in the bush. I’m bleeding— Jesus… My, uh- my phone is missing. God dammit. It really is just you and— [rustling/cracking]

Super Creepy Not-Whisper Voice MEEE!!!

Lance “No! [impact noise] Help me!!” [sound of running, anguished scream from Lance]

[sing-chanting continues]

[KFAM outro music]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] Crocodile Dundee - Crocodile Dundee is a series of action comedy films centered around a crocodile hunter from the Australian Outback named Michael J. "Crocodile" Dundee.

[kingfallshistoricallibrary-blog]

Episode 11: Ringing Hell’s Doorbell

Sammy:

Welcome back, everyone. The time is 4:44 AM here at King Falls AM. Ben:

It’s a slow night. You wanna do…weather and traffic? Sammy:

It’s warmin up…If there’s traffic at this ungodly hour, we got problems Ben:

[chuckles]Got that right, Sammy. But before we go back to the phones in a sec, I’ve got an email I’d like to read you. I think you’ll get a kick out of this. Sammy:

Oh! Well, very cool. Whatcha got? Ben:

So, you know I wrote the producers of Mission Apparition, right? Sammy:

No… what’re you talking about? Ben:

Yes you do. It’s that brain tumor of a show on channel 13? Sammy:

I know the show, Ben! I’m saying I didn’t know you wrote them. Ben:

Dude, you’re gonna love it. I emailed trying to get them booked as guests so we could tear them apart. Sammy:

Well, I mean, they did keep the lights on a few weeks back running an ad, of course. So, please don’t tell me you got confrontational? Ben:

If telling the truth about their staged show counts as confrontational, then…I totally did. Sammy:

Okay, so you accost a paid sponsor of King Falls AM, continue…

Ben:

Alright, let me read this to you. “Dear Sammy,” sorry you left your station email up. Sammy:

Uh-huh. Ben:

“We at Mission Apparition are extremely sorry you feel the show is overly produced and not true to the nature of actual distressed spirits. In actuality, Dan and Larry are two of the most highly trained professionals in this field. While we appreciate constructive criticism, name calling just isn’t needed. If you have any real suggestions to make the show better, please let us know.” Sammy:

Ben. What did you call them? Ben:

Doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I wrote them back and they’re going to be shooting a future episode of the show in King Falls. Sammy:

No way! Ben:

I said we have many fine spectral establishments here. The gauntlet was thrown down and they took the bait. Sammy:

As much as I hate to say this, you’re gonna get to see the Mission Apparition guys in a real situation at least. Ben:

Oh yeah. I’m not sure which to offer up: the old Slaughterhouse off Cottontail Hollow or the library. Sammy:

I’m not gonna make a you’re trying to impress Emily comment here, I know that place is full of activity. Ben:

Exactly.

Sammy:

BUT…. You are trying to impress Emily. Ben:

Whatevs. Okay, okay, get this though! After I told them I was co-host of a late-night AM talk show, they asked if I wanted to come on set so I could get an interview live. Sammy:

Well, book it! Make it happen! Ben:

Done and done. Sammy:

But please stop using my email. Ben:

No promises. Sammy:

Alright folks, after that exciting announcement, we’re gonna open up the phone lines to you, our dear listeners. And, uh, Ben? You got a topic? Ben:

I absolutely do, but you can’t have it until a touch after the 5 o’clock hour, Sammy. Sammy:

You heard the man, ladies and gents. It’s a bonafide free for all for the next ten minutes or so.  Give us a call 424-279-3858. Ben:

Or hit us up on twitter @kingfallsam Sammy:

Lucky Line 1, you’re live with Sammy and Ben. Mr.X:

Uh, yeah… [heavy breathing]  Did you check the mail? Sammy:

Maybe once or twice in my lifetime, uh, do you have a topic? Or is this Ted Kaczynski calling from prison? Mr.X:

Uh….you’ll have a topic soon…[hangs up] Ben:

You know I should go take a look in our mail slot now, right? Sammy:

Don’t Ben:

It’s a verbal triple dog dare. I’ll be right back. Sammy:

[sigh] One day, it’s gonna be a head… I just know it. Line 5 welcome to King Falls AM. Mr.Thompson:

Oh, I got through! Sammy?! I – I need to speak with you in private. Please! Sammy:

I’m gonna be a little bit sir. We just came back from break. But I’m happy to talk about whatever. Mr.Thompson:

We really can’t talk about this on the air. It’s about…I really don’t wanna say much. I sent you a text message about…oh…a month or so back? We need to speak. It’s incredibly urgent! Mr.Thompson:

Sir I get a lot of texts over the course of a month. Mr.Thompson:

Well, we can’t talk about this on the air. Sammy:

Who am I speaking with? Ben:

We got mail, Sammy! Mr.Thompson:

I turned the power back on…

Ben:

Mr. Thompson? Mr. Thompson:

Err.. no! [hangs up] Sammy:

Hello? Sir? Ben:

What was that about? I swear that dude sounded just like my old science professor. Sammy:

Can you  get a number on line 5, Ben? Ben:

Uh, yeah, yeah, in a minute. Look at this! Sammy:

[laughs] Is that a cassette tape? Ben:

Yeah, no letter - just a tape. It’s labeled “D.D.” We should play this. Sammy:

I hope it’s Duran Duran. Ben:

I’ll just stick this in…here. Sammy:

Uh, do you think we should listen to this first? I know you got a trigger finger on the gun, but… Ben:

You’re looking at the fastest finger in the tri-state. Sammy:

You know, there’s a dirty joke there that, for our friendship, I’m just gonna cruise right on past. Ben:

Where’s the play button on this hunk of junk? Merv, why do we have a cassette player in the studio? It’s 2015. Sammy:

I think you know why. Ben:

I’m excited! Sammy:

You better be payin attention. I don’t want to hear one – Lance:

[Australian accent]This is Lance McCord checking in. I’m about 5 kilometers off the Stealth Ridge Trail now. It’s heavily wooded and getting thicker. Sammy:

Do you know this guy “Lance”? Ben:

Never heard of him. But if the “R” word was politically correct for broadcast, I’d probably be use it for him right now. That trail is like the boonies within the boonies. Lance: So far so good. I was- I was a bit worried with all the tall tales surrounding the ‘Devil’s Doorstep’ I guess that’s why I’m talking to you and tracing my steps. Nothing stranger or out of the ordinary. I have noticed the lack of wildlife and birds to be this far in the bush. Ben:

[stops tape] … There is no way. Sammy:

The Devil’s Doorstep? Ben:

Definitely the R word or has a death wish. Or both! Sammy:

Where is this place? Ben:

It’s north of King Falls. It’s a dark ass set of woods. Obviously, this guy isn’t from around here because he’d know you don’t even talk about it, much less go there.

Sammy:

Ominous… Ben:

AND we don’t joke about it. Sammy:

It sounds so inviting, The Devil’s Doorstep. What kind of Welcome mat do you think the Dark Lord picks out? Do you think he has a “NO SOLICITING” sign? Ben:

Stop it. I know you laugh about stuff like this, but…don’t. Lance:

Right, about 30 minutes from my last check in. My mobile has lost signal. Looks like it’s just you and me, pal. I lost a little of time I’ve been turned around a few minutes back. All the paths are starting to look really similar, so, it’s hard to…Still no wildlife. I don’t know if any men or women have ever stepped where I’m stepping. I kind of like that.

[singing in background] Sammy:

Did you hear something there? Ben:

NOPE. NO SINGING. Sammy:

I didn’t say singing. I said something. Ben:

I didn’t hear anything. Lance:

It’s getting colder our and darker. That and my mind is playing the tiniest of tricks on me. Voices, singing, whispers. It’s – it’s head games. Nothing’s gonna stop me from making it to the gate. Ben:

I think that’s enough.

Sammy:

Ben, honestly. Gate? I’m not following here. You’re the expert: what’s he looking for? Or… why’s he even looking for it? Ben:

Commercial time. Let’s do this… [ad]

Hector:

Weekdays 6 to 9 AM listen to the Hector y Chavo show, the fast growing show in the fastest growing demographic in the tri-state area. On King Falls Deportes AM. Every week, Hector y Chavo discusses your favourite sports with your favourite players. Don’t miss out this week, Monday we talk to Big Pine striker Javier Rincon. Tuesday, we are talking to Grassy Creek midfielder Jorge Papi Gutierrez and Friday, we talk to King Falls goalie Bubba Super Gringo Wallace. Tune in to Hector y Chavo show on Kings Falls Deportes at 7:30 am. Your sports capital for gooooooooal.

Ben:

He friggin hears it too

Sammy:

And welcome back to King Falls AM that’s 660 on the radio dial. We’ve just been listening to a tape we received anonymously. Apparently, there’s a hiker out adventuring in – Ben:

Line 8 – you’re live. Finn:

Oh boy! Things are getting tense on that tape! Ben:

Forget the tape! How- how’re you doing, Finn? Is everything still intact? Finn:

Doin’ swell, just well! [scratches skin] Ben:

You okay there, Finn? Finn:

Oh sorry! Wasn’t sure if you picked that up. I’ve just been scratchin something awful the past couple weeks. I got in some poison oak, or something – I don’t know! Sammy:

Glad to hear you’re doing well, after… Finn: [growls] Ben:

…. You got a travel buddy with you tonight, Finn? Finn:

Nah, nah – just got cut off going down the highway, here. Lousy drivers…we got three other lane you know! Ah! Look at the food billboards!

Sammy:

Um, what’s on your mind tonight buddy? Finn:

Just callin in to say hi… that sorta thing. Plus, this story? Wowee, who is this guy? Have you talked about this place before? I don’t think I heard you mention it. Uh, I think… Ben:

Because we don’t. Finn:

Spoooooky stuff, fellas. Sammy:

Yeah… I don’t know if you – Finn:

[howls] Ben:

Uh, I’m sorry. You gotta keep your pup quiet. Finn:

What? No doggy here. Just you two fellas, me… rolling down the road. Sammy:

You don’t have a dog with you, Finn? Finn:

Couldn’t if I wanted to. I’m allergic. [scratching] Ben:

Are… are you feeling okay? Did you ever get checked out after that night you hit that…weredog? Finn:

What? I wouldn't lay hands on a pooch! Are you feelin’ alright, Ben? Sammy:

He’s talkin about the dog you accidentally hit a while back. You got out to check on it and the call dropped off?

Finn:

Uh…. No, wasn’t me. I think I’d remember somethin’ like that [horns honking in background] Dammit all, I gotta go, boys. Can’t scratch, talk, and drive all at the same time. Finish that tape, it’s givin me the willies! Ben:

Stay awake and stay safe, Finn. Make a doctor’s appointment, maybe…. Sammy:

Or a vet… Finn:

hah, you two. Catch you later. [howls] [hangs up]

Sammy:

Now Ben, you know I love what you do on the show. I wouldn’t wanna do this with anybody else….but, I’ve got a tiny issue with you cutting to unscheduled breaks during conversations. Ben:

Do that happen? I’m so sorry, I just… I’m so interested in – Sammy:

Doing anything but playing that tape. Got us all interested now, man. You gotta follow through. Ben:

Okay – it was fun, but I think we should just forget about it. Sammy:

Impossible. Ben:

S-sit down, don’t – Lance:

There’s no doubt that there’s something keeping me away from the gate at this point. My watch has just stopped working so I don’t know what time it is. I can’t really see the sun from the thicket, it’s hard to tell. I checked my compass to ensure I was… WHAT THE -[singing] Eerie voice:

TURN. BACK. NOW.

Lance:

My fu[sensor] compass is literally spinning like a top! There’s EVIL in these woods! You can feel it in the air! It’s palpable! Sammy:

Ben! Don’t be mad! Ben:

You shouldn’t be playing this! This isn’t a joke, man! This is a tape that probably needs to go to the proper authority! I’m gonna google Missing Persons Sammy:

Look, I’m not against that. But let’s finish this up, and at the very least talk to me. Tell us a little bit about the woods. Ben:

If- if I tell you, will you stop playing the damn tape? Sammy:

Absolutely. Help fill these last minutes until your actual topic of discussion arrives. Ben:

[sighs]The path Lance is on is called Stealth Ridge. It’s about a five mile round trip hike up north in Perdition Wood. Sammy:

You guys really know how to name things here. Ben:

Supposedly, as in, legend-has-it kind of talk, way off the beaten path – I mean way off, as in nobody’s ever seen it – is what he’s looking for. A cave called The Devil’s Doorstep

Sammy:

Uh-huh. Ben:

Put two and two together here, Sammy! It’s an entrance to the gates of hell! Many people went out looking for it, none have ever found it. Some never return.

Sammy:

Have you been up there, Ben? Ben:

Once… Sammy:

And?! Ben:

Are you serious?! Hell no, I haven’t been! I’m not crazy like Crocodile Dundee on that tape. Sammy:

I mean, he’s gotta be okay, right? The tape made it here! It could’ve been him who dropped it off in our mail and called tonight, right? Ben:

This was fun for a minute, now it’s just massively creepy, let’s move – [tape starts] SAMMY! Sammy:

Dude, you’re looking at me! I didn’t push the button! Lance:

It is so cold. I’ve descended a great deal from the initial crest of the ridge it seems. I saw what appeared to be – Eerie Voice:

LAST. WARNING. MORTAL Ben:

TURN IT OFF!   Lance:

WHAT THE FU[sensor] IS THAT?!

Sammy: Good Job!

Ben:

Alright it won’t stop. Unplug it! I’m not kidding! Sammy:

It is unplugged! [scream from tape] Lance:

It’s after me! [singing in background] I – I don’t know what that was. I went in to look at this cove, here. I think I’m just gonna wait it out until morning. I’m wet, cold – I caught my jacket in the bush. I’m bleeding, Jesus. My- my phone is missing. God dammit. It really is just you and – Eerie Voice:

ME!!!!! Lance:

No! Help me!! [screaming] [singing]

[outro]