#yeah im calling my gp because i am in PAIN

[castielsprostate]

my ears hurt so much i am going to kill myself oh my god AOUGHHHHHHHHH

[jurassuck]

bitching & moaning below:

for the past maybe 4-5 months i have been feeling like i am dying, and i have been shaking and spasming so badly when i try to leave the house that i dont feel safe to drive. i also have been in so much hand pain that i can barely do anything, and ofc all my hobbies are shit like sewing and jewelry making LMAO but i went to a new rheumatologist last week which was a month after doing labs to see about medication and i still haven’t gotten any. now i need to see a new gp in another month because this is not going anywhere. on top of the most extreme depression of my life as well as some close calls with psychosis. then trump gets elected so yeah im gonna question things bc what else do i have rn LOL

[shamelessanxioushamster]

tw: mental health struggles/chronic pain/healthcare/talk of medications

i am genuinely so fucking angry. Im going to be suffering with this for years to come and all they have me was a shitty little leaflet that was the bare bones of symptoms and how it can affect you, barely touched on how it affects the rest of my body and how i live my life and between my anxiety and the fact that i didnt know enough about the condition i didnt know what queations to ask to get the information i need.

Now i cant even fucking talk to the doctors because they dropped me to be referred to therapy ebcause thats the cause of all my fucking problems, and even the PT isnt contacting me anymore. I have literally been abandoned until whenwver i get assigned my therapist. I was added to the wait list in December 2021. It has been months since then. I have only just even been evaluated, not even in person it was over a phone call. I havent been told any timeframes and i need to get on another wait list to even think about getting tested for ADHD/ADD.

Beyond that, the therapists and my GP arent even giving me the anti depressants the doctor i spoke to said he would get me on, until ive been through therapy. Oh yeah. And he never sent the email to my GP which he said he would do.

Its been months and im alone in this. I have to work for months and years for the therapy to take an affect on my mindset to start helping my bodily reactions to my anxiety and depression, and within that time my chronic pain and joint condition is worsening, and taking its toll on my body.

This makes my mental health worse, which in turn makes my condition worse.

I am stuck in a loop that i cannot fucking get out of.

[erixyin]

MLQC Boys as somethings I’ve said to my boyfriend:

Gavin:

“If i commit murder would you rat me out or join me and be my partner in crime?” “... yes”

*falls off the bed* “this is ILLEGAL!”

*gets stuck in a video game* “i dont need help!” *5 minutes later* “i need help!”

“I love you but could you not” [in reference to him changing while im trying to write an essay]

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN CRIMINOLOGY ISNT THE STUDY OF HOW TO BE A CRIMINAL”

*everytime he starts the car* “eheheh vroom vroom”

“SIR I AM CALLING THE POLICE” “you’re the one under arrest”

“What do you mean i cant have chicken nugs for tea again?”

*him walking in and seeing me wearing his hoodie. Looks away and blushes*

“Dry my hair wind!” “The wind accepts his fate”

“Gimme hugs gimme hugs gimme hugs *hugs* yes sweaty hugs”

“Do you think I’d be a good police officer?” “No”

“Im going to the shops!” “You’re wearing just my hoodie and tshirt” “I’m still going to the shops!”

“So then i realised i couldnt go to the GP- OMG DOGGY DOGGY DOGGY DOGGY WHAT A GOOD BOI” [the doggo in question is across the very busy road and is wearing a coat <3]

*gives me head pats* “am cute”

“We could illegally watch the movie...?” “YOU WOULDN’T STEAL A CAR”

Kiro:

*after a lengthy discussion about how i shouldn’t buy it” “ok but hear me out...it has ears”

“I bought 6 packets of laces” “why?” “Because I’ll eat 3 packets by myself”

*going to mcdonalds* “NUGS NUGS NUGS NUGS NUGS NUGS NUGS”

*both of us singing pitch perfect word for word*

🎶 “why can i not spell this word, spell this word, pull this word. Why can i not spell this word FOR AN ENTIRE GODDAMN HOUR” 🎵

“My abs are underneath a layer of squish for warmth through winter” “same!”

“Pay attention to me ;-;” “but but but” “put the doggo down”

“Am burrito” *is a burrtoed into my blanket*

*makes cat hiss noies when trying to steal my nugs* “a violent sushi roll”

*after trying to remember my password for Moshi monsters* “I DID IT IM A HACKER”

*bf does a puzzle that ive been stuck on for 20 minutes* “JESUS CHRIST ITS JASON BOURNE”

*me booping his arms and chest* “squishy and muscle. Squishy and muscle. Squishy and muscle...”

*ordering a takeaway* “LORD AM ABOUT TO BE CHONCCY”

Victor:

“Work is difficult and life is hard” “ill give you a kiss if you finish a paragraph?” “WAIT TEN MINUTES”

“I need moral support for this essay” “it’s 3am?” “As i said i need moral support”

“But can i-“ “no”

“Hear me out you’re cute” “no”

*dying of laughter after putting cat ears on him* “childish”

“There should be a cereal called breaking fast with blue marshmallows in it and sponsored by breaking bad” “... that’s not terrible”

“Why am i a gullible idiot?!” *after 4 games of chess and losing 4 times* “but you’re my cute, gullible idiot”

“Um can i have a coffee ple-“ “no” “but why?” *intense stare* “I’ll have a hot chocolate”

*walking in wearing a suit* “YOU GOT A FINE ASS BOI” *his friend looking at him. Him wanting to bury his head into the void*

*singing off key and drunk* “I’M TOO HOT!” :D :D :D :D “.... hot damn”

*plays chopsticks on the keyboard* “do you wanna be in my band?”

“Law and order again?!” “IT’S EITHER LAW AND ORDER OR SAY YES TO THE DRESS WHAT DO YOU WANT”

“Disney film night!” *deflated sigh*

*in front of his frens in a alt store* “which collar should i get?” *bats eyes innocently*

*wakes me up at 8am* “an UNGODLY time” “no”

Lucien:

*listening to him explain a fish to me* “hehehe puffer fishy be so chonccy”

“I found you this rock!” “Excellent”

*wearing his jacket* “NOODLE ARMS ATTACK” “aaaa so scary”

*puts his hand on my thigh* “NOT IN PUBLIC” “but why?”

“This is my plant Dave the cactus, and this is my plant medusa the snek plant, and this is my plant sam the mini cactus and this is my plant...” *look of adoration*

*drags him away from his laptop to go to bed*

*after talking about trust issues because of my ex* *him: gets up* “where are you going?” “To commit murder”

*plays with his hair and he purrs*

*hot water bottle on tummy* “i am an egg in pain” “the cutest egg tho”

“DOGGY” “thats a fox dear” “SNEAKY DOGGY”

*having a an in-depth discussion on evolution* *5minutes later* “do you think the T. rex went extinct because he couldnt applaud his friends and died out of sadness?”

*i’ve killed him. He’s dead” “ill get the body bag” “my poor goldfish- WHAT”

*sits next to him wearing a hoodie and thigh highs* “you’re distracting me” “I’m just breathing” “yes”

*going to dance clubs always ends up with me against a wall*

*is wearing a cute bodycon dress with mesh panels* “we’re gonna be home early”

*what do you think of my new fishnets? *runs finger down them* “asmr all the time”

*me feeling insecure* “i think I’ve gained weight” “great then my plan i working! You will be healthy!”

Shaw:

*accidentally walks out of a shop holding a key ring i havent bought* “im a criminal [crying]” “a terrible one too”

*is 3months younger than me* “you’re so old” “you’re the one who looks 5 years older than you are” “take that back!”

“You can’t wear your leather jacket to a formal event” “fucking watch me”

*kisses and dancing in the rain*

“Idiot” *wtaches me splash in all the puddles like a child*

*watches me cry over a tiny snail i found* “i love this you”

“Omg look at this SNALLLL!” “Snail?” “SNALLLLL”

“I have so much debt” “its because all of the McNugs you buy”

“Help me dye my hair?” “Certainly that will be £300” “aaaaa”

“You’re so mean!” “I have to be otherwise you’ll never learn” *talking about watching another episode of game of thrones*

*has to look away for some game of thrones scenes* “a fragile child” “im older than you”

“Can i paint your nails?” “Yeah my masculinity ain’t fragile” “can i paint them holo?” “No”

*cuddling* “you smell” “do you want sex or not” “you smell lovely”

[michaelreaderreblog]

My truemate pt13

AN: The long wait is now over. I dont remember if I even edited this but if I didnt. I am so sorry. I was getting another thing going and “editing” at the same time. Anyways, My truemate is finally up and will continue going. Sorry for the long silence, dreadful cage. Sorry wont go into a personal rant. Enjoy my loves!! Tag list is there. If you’d like to be added to the tags please send a message. I hope I got everyone for the tags, I know last time I didnt. Ok enjoy my sweeet darlings. Yes my inner Freddie Mercury is appearing.

**********************

Catch up here:

ONE

TWO

THREE

FOUR

FIVE

SIX

SEVEN

EIGHT

NINE

TEN

ELEVEN

TWELVE 

******************************************************************************

Word Count: 2,319

After a few minutes have gone by is when the both of you hear the garage door open and he gets straight to work with the deliveries he will be doing.

His phone rings and he is all business for the rest of the day.

“Well that was rather interesting” you say to break the silence after taking a sip from your cup of coffee.

“I suppose it rather is” Castiel says with a smile still spread across his face

You could feel that he is feeling rather content about Dean serving him breakfast when he almost forgot that he is suppose to be working.

“After we are done here, we can start working and one question though?” you say getting up to put your plate away into the sink, you really needed to get on the dishes.

“Geez, I'll get this later, I have a few things to do before I do the dishes” you mutter to yourself.

“My car got delivered to the house before getting here and thats how I got myself here” Castiel says from the table while he sill eating the food Dean has served him.

“Damn, thats right. Is it alright if we used your car to delivery the party favours?” you ask from the kitchen.

“Yeah, I dont see that as a problem. You finished them already?” he asks as he gets up from the table to bring over his dirty dishes to place into the sink to as well.

“Yeah I got them done last night when I couldnt sleep” you tell him while getting the water ready.

You decided to wash the dishes and setting them on the rack for them to dry.

“Anything troubling you, why you couldnt sleep?” he asks standing beside you as you begin to rinse out the suds from the plates.

“Uh, yeah” you answer him quietly.

“Do you want to talk to me about it?” he asks in sympathy.

“When we first moved here and sort of got settled into the house. We decided to head out for supper and when we got to the diner there was this douchey pervert that grabbed me. He was just so aggressive and the things that he said just made me feel so like Im only useful for one thing. The things that he wanted to do to me just scared me so much that something could happen at any given time and I feel that this will not be the first.” You tell Castiel as you try not to break down in front of him but he can sense that you fear there is going to be more trouble a head.

“Hey, hey, hey, dont worry about a thing ok. You have two caring, loving, protective brothers who are willing to do anything for you. I for one will not let anything happen to you and we need to tell my father about this and soon. At the same time you can go to the police about this. They take Omega rights very seriously, trust me when I say that” he says as he takes you into his arms and embraces you into a tight hug.

You accept the embrace right away and feel yourself calming down by the gesture.

“You know, we have known each other for a day and I feel like I have known you my entire life” you say as a smile creeps at the corners of your face.

“Well I think its because we are family in ways, I mean Im your brothers mate and you’re my brothers mate” as he says that you pull away slowly to look at him in the eyes.

“He told you that?” you ask in a hushed tone.

“Yeah he told me yesterday and he also mentioned that he is feeling rather conflicted because he has Anna. She has told him before that she would let him go if his true mate ever came along. I advised him to talk to her right away and well end things because I would rather have him truly happy then not knowing what its like to be with someone as his equal” he says as he places his hand on your shoulder.

“You know I was feeling rather jealous about her the day before when I met her. She is so sincere, kind and beautiful. I was telling Dean that she is so lucky to be waking up beside him, going home to him every night while I sit here thinking that should be me because he is my true mate” you tell him as you rewash the plate over and over again.

He stops you from rewashing the plate for millionth time and places it in the rinse water and on the dish rack.

“I had a feeling you would say something like that and you would be feeling this way. Y/n believe me when I say this, Michael will do the right thing here and talk to Anna about all of this. He has always believed in true mates from when we were growing up and he would always tell my brother well my late brother and I how he would be so happy when he found his equal. How he would have the perfect family to call his own and to protect whats his if anyone threatened his family. I always wanted them to be truly happy and find the mates that they belonged to and I still want that for Michael. There is no need to be feeling jealous alright? Anna should be the one to be jealous since I am very certain she knows about the true mate thing already” Castiel says as he looks into your eyes and the one thing you held onto the most was him referring to his late brother and as you saw him mention him you could see the pain spread across his face while he mentions him.

“Late brother? What happened? Sorry its just your expression completely changed at the mentions of him. Again sorry if you dont want to talk about it than I understand” you say as you continued washing every single dirty dish, utensils, pots, and pans until the dish rack is filled with the mornings servings and last night.

“No its fine, I would have to talk about this sooner or later. Im also guessing you have been wondering why I asked if your brothers were Alpha's” he says as he goes back to the table to have himself seated.

You follow right behind him and do the same thing at the table across from him.

“A few years after I presented Omega and after one of my heats my brother Lucifer, is his name by the way. After one of my heats he told me to stay home just until my scent had gone away completely. I told him that it would be fine and how much I really wanted to get out of the house to see my friends whom I havent seen in a week. While he has told me countless times to stay home I didnt listen to him and I went out anyways. As I was walking through the square to meet up with my friends, I was followed little ways and then a van pulls up beside me. The man who followed me was Alpha, he came running behind me told me how ripe my scent was and told me how amazing I would be for one of his bosses brothels and make millions off of me. He drugged me, another man pulled me into the van and took me to an old warehouse outside of town. I woke up in this empty room, looked around to get up from the chair only to see Im tied to it. I managed to get my phone from my pocket to send an emergency text to my brother, he responded and found me on the GPS system that was turned on from my phone. I heard someone walking down the hall and I was still out of it from the drugs and pretended to be out again. Lucifer came into the room and I felt someone trying to cut through the rope and I was trying to resist the person until I heard his voice telling me who he was and he was going to get me out of there. Suddenly that turned for the worst when the three men who abducted me came back to the room to transfer me some where else is what Im guessing. They saw my brother, attacked him, he fought back and one of them came at me but I managed to kick him in his groin and he fell to the floor while my brother yelled at me to make a run for it. I didnt want to leave him behind but he pushed me towards the door and I ran. I ran so fast like my life depended on it, I got to his car and drove little ways away from the warehouse to call the police for help. Within minutes they all came, they managed to capture one of them while the other two fled. The paramedics came out with a body and one of the officers told me to identify the body which I did. As they lifted the sheet from his face, thats when I went completely numb and couldnt believe that was my brother. I was frozen until they moved him away from me and thats when I went frantic told them he was only sleeping and that I should take him home. The officer told me my brother was gone and he risked his life to save mine. For so many years I have blamed my biology for his death, blamed it on me when I knew I should have stayed home when he told me to, and I blamed myself for everything that has gone wrong that day. After we had the funeral I stayed home, locked myself in my room or at times I would lock myself in my brothers room and I would go through his things and I would wear his clothes. My parents and Michael saw how I was and I knew they didnt like how I was dealing with everything. Until Michael thought it would be a good idea for me to move with him to Portland where he went to school, he told my parents but they didnt like that idea so much and my dad finally said ok maybe it would be a good idea to get away for while. I did move to Portland with Michael, he went to school, I enrolled in school to take this graphic design program for the two years I was there. Michael graduated, we came home, he found himself a place to live and I moved back in with my parents because my mother didnt like the idea of me living by myself. I graduated the program online not to long ago and here I am sitting with you, telling you about my story on how I lost my brother. Well how my parents lost a son, and how Michael lost a brother as well” Castiel tells his story as tears streamed down his face as you sit there surprised he hasnt broken into a sob while telling you what happened all those years ago.

You place your hand over his that are placed over the table

“Now I understand why you asked if my brothers were Alpha's. I am so sorry about your brother. You know what your brother did was a courageous thing for you to be here. If that was you than you would have never met your true mate who happens to be Dean. I think he would have never found his true mate if the tables were turned. Like you want for Michael I would love for Dean to have. Castiel you are living proof you are meant for something so beautiful that no one could ever have because of the circumstances that has taken a twist in life. Living proof that you are meant to live a long happy life even if that doesnt include your brother. You are an amazing person and you are worth it, even if you cant see it but I do. Dean sees it to along with Sam even though we have only known you for a day but still I can feel that from you” you tell him as you wipe away the tears from his face and kiss his forehead.

While you did that he still has his head down looking to the table top and closes his eyes when your lips meet his fore head.

“You really are a lovely person you know that, I know it takes a while to get back to my normal self. By being with you I feel like I can grasp something of myself from years ago and now I am getting the feeling I can fully appreciate the little things in life again. Now I am really happy I have taken this job opportunity with you and I thank you for all of this” he says as he lifts his head to get a good look at you and tell you while he gazes into your eyes.

You were cut off by the door bell ringing and you get up from the chair to answer it.

“No let me” he says as he gets up from the table to answer the door and its a customer for the plush toys they have ordered.

You run down the stairs to get the order from your office and run back up the stairs to hand it to Castiel. They say their thank yous and went on their merry way home to surprise the children with such amazing toys to cherish forever.

********************************************

Taglist: 

@animegirlgeeky 

@strangerthingshargove 

@freerebelmentality 

@enthusedbycuriosity 

@sia-del

[huphilpuffs]

flares

chapter: 25/? summary: Dan’s body has been broken for as long as he can remember, and he’s long since learned to deal with it. Sort of. But when his symptoms force him to leave uni and move into a new flat with a stranger named Phil, he finds that ignoring the pain isn’t the way to make himself happy. word count: 3065 rating: mature warnings: chronic illness, chronic pain, medicine a/n: a huge thanks goes to @obsessivelymoody for beta reading this for me!

Ao3 link || read from beginning

Dan wakes up on Thursday to a heaviness in his chest.

He groans before he even opens his eyes. His face is squished against a pillow, his ribs pressed too harshly against the mattress. Stabs of pain burst between them, make his muscles spasm and send his breath escaping in a stutter. He has to count, one, two, three, four to keep it from happening a second time.

It eases some when he rolls onto his back.

And he tries to comfort himself further by counting out how long it’s been since he’s been able to sleep on his stomach. Too long, probably.

He’s been getting better, though. Even staring at the bedroom ceiling through his tears, Dan knows that. Knows the he’s helped Phil with dinner the last few nights, and managed to handle the curtains being open for a few hours yesterday.

His hand smoothes across his sternum, and he pokes at the painful spots in his sides until the sharpness dulls.

It’s enough to let Dan sit up, then stand on shaky knees. He tosses Phil’s pillow back to where it belongs and tucks the duvet into place to prove the voice in his head, wondering why he’s suddenly worse again, that he’s fine.

And to ignore the second voice, telling him it’s anxiety that causes your pain, over and over again.

His appointment is in a day.

Dan’s hardly slept for three.

He tries to swallow back a sigh. Whatever rush of adrenaline had dragged him out of bed has faded, left fatigue settling heavy in his bones again. He could drag himself to the lounge, curl up in his blankets and continue his new daily routine of watching people on YouTube for hours.

But his body aches and his eyes burn, and he crawls back into bed instead.

The voice in his head grows louder.

Dan grabs Phil’s pillow, clutches it ot his chest and presses his face against the fabric, breathing deeply.

It smells like Phil.

He holds it until he falls back asleep.

---

The afternoon drags.

It’s past two when Dan wakes up again. The flat is still empty, the bed unmade again. He crawls out without bothering to fix it, makes himself a sandwich, and settles back on the sofa, where he can rest his head against the cushions and ignore the tightness around his heart.

Every time he turns on his phone, it’s too a notification reminding him he has an appointment tomorrow that has his muscles seizing, making it ache to breathe.

And to a reminder he half regrets setting, since he’s ignored it for days.

Call mum.

There’s only a few hours to follow through with it now.

He glances back at the clock that tells him it’s just ticking past three. Twenty-five hours left, says the voice in his head. It sounds like the last GP he saw, who looked him in the eyes and told him to try acting like he had more energy, who told him it would help.

You should try it, his mum had said afterwards. You never know unless you do.

Dan’s thumb swipes across the screen. He finds her contact, sucks in a breath, and hits the call button.

He doesn’t breathe again until she picks up on the third ring.

“Hi, Dan,” she says.

He hasn’t heard her voice since he decided to stay here. It feels like a lifetime ago, suddenly.

“Hi, mum.”

There’s silence for a long moment. He can hear her breathing over the line, low and steady, and wonders if she can hear the shakiness in his.

“How are you?” she asks

“I’m okay,” he says. “I, uh, have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.”

“Oh?”

He swallows, nodding even though she can’t see him. “Just with my new GP, but I’m hoping he might be able to help me,” he says. “With, well, you know.”

“I hope he can.”

She sounds sad. It’s been a long time since Dan’s heard that.

“Me too,” he says. And then, because he can’t handle the silence: “But, uh, I was hoping you could maybe help me figure out my medical history, to prepare? I don’t remember all of it from when I first got sick.”

Back when she was responsible for it, he doesn’t say. Back when anyone could keep track of all of it.

“I’ll text it to you, okay?” she says. “I know your memory isn’t always the best, and your wrists tend to ache from writing.”

“Really?” He slams his mouth shut, the click of his teeth probably audible over the phone. “I mean, thanks.”

She chuckles, quiet, distant, like he can hear the miles between them. “I’m not always heartless, you know,” she says.

Dan’s breath comes out in a rush. Guilt bursts in its place, painful, bringing tears to his eyes. And he wants to tell her he never thought she was, but he can’t. She knows he can’t. He doesn’t even know what he thinks about her now, crying, hands shaking as he clutches his phone too tightly.

“Can I ask you something?” she says. “Without you getting mad?”

“Yeah.”

“How are you doing?” she says. “I know you don’t think your problems are with your mental health, and I’m not implying they are–” the not this time goes unspoken “–but I know you’ve had bad experiences with doctors and you’re my son.”

His breath catches. A tear rolls down his cheek, and he wipes it away with his hand.

This is his first appointment without her, he realizes. The first one in six years that she’s not driving him to, waiting outside or sitting next to him for the length of it. The first time she won’t smooth his hand over his knee in the waiting room, telling him it’ll be okay, that doctors can be trusted, even though they’d been proving otherwise for so long.

“I’m okay,” he says. “Phil’s coming with me.”

“That’s good,” she says, like she means it. “I am glad you have him, you know.”

He almost reminds her what she thought of him living with Phil last time they spoke, but his heart aches and his eyes are stinging and he doesn’t want to fight, not this time.

“Me too,” he says. “He’s the best, mum.”

She sounds like she’s smiling when she says: “I’d love to meet him, one day.”

Dan swallows. He can hardly picture it, bringing Phil back to a house filled with terrible memories and people he still doesn’t trust entirely. And yet there’s a tug in his chest, a bittersweet image forming in the back of his mind.

He doesn’t say anything.

Neither does she, for a while.

“I should get going,” is what she ends up saying. “As long as you’re okay? I’ll text you your medical information in a little bit.”

“Okay,” he says. “I’m okay. Thank you.”

She hums. “And Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“You should call your grandma. She misses her sofa buddy.”

He chuckles. It aches. Suddenly, he’s exhausted again. “Okay. I will,” he promises. “And mum?”

“Yeah?”

“No news is good news, okay? If I don’t call you after the appointment, I mean.”

“Okay,” she says. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

The line goes dead.

His head falls back against the cushion and his phone drops onto the sofa. Tears are rolling down his cheeks, and he’s not entirely sure he knows why.

Or maybe he just can’t untangle all the many, many reasons.

---

Phil’s quiet when he gets home.

He takes the smoothie Dan didn’t touch and sets it on the coffee table before dropping onto the empty cushion. His arm is draped across the back of the cushion, his hip just inches from Dan’s, as he turns his gaze to the open laptop, lit up with another Smosh video.

Dan’s been watching them mindlessly since his tears dried on his cheeks.

“This is a good one,” says Phil.

It’s an older one, the production value a little cheaper and humour a tad outdated. Probably more similar to what Phil had watched back at uni, Dan thinks. He tries to imagine it, a younger version of Phil, one with longer hair and a slightly narrower frame, sitting in a uni room like the one Dan moved out of before coming here.

He hardly can. Maybe because his mind is still muddled, hanging onto words he said during the phone call, onto all the things he should have said but didn’t.

“It is,” he says, just as the video ends.

He doesn’t start a new one.

Phil’s fingers sweep across his shoulder. In Dan’s peripheral, he can see Phil turn to look at him, but he doesn’t look back.

“Are you okay?” asks Phil.

Dan swallows. There’s a lump in his throat, a pressure behind his eyes so harsh it aches.

“Didn’t sleep very well,” he says.

Phil squeezes his shoulder. “I know.”

That makes the corner of his mouth quirk up. Of course Phil knows. He was there, arms wrapped around Dan as he fidgeted, tossed, and turned. His hands had combed through Dan’s hair, and his quiet questions about if Dan was okay were mumbled against his shoulder, his reassurance felt in his touch.

Phil usually falls asleep pretty quickly, Dan’s learned. Last night, he didn’t.

The hand at his shoulder tightens. Dan finally turns to face Phil.

“Is that all that’s bothering you?”

His eyes are soft, almost sad, as his hand rubs gentle circles against Dan’s skin. He knows. He must know something’s up. Dan has to remind himself that Phil’s seen him after countless sleepless nights, curled up in soft blankets on the sofa and dozing when his mind gets too tired to keep racing.

Today isn’t like that.

Dan reaches out to rest a hand on Phil’s knee, needing to feel grounded, as the first tear rolls down his cheek. Phil draws him closer, so Dan’s head is by his shoulder, his tears dripping down onto the fabric of Phil’s shirt.

There’s no pressure, none but the weight of Phil’s hand on his shoulder, when Dan says:

“I called my mum.”

Phil goes tense. “Oh,” he say. “How did that go?”

Dan swallows. “I don’t know.”

He really doesn’t. His chest feels too full with contradictions, the weight of past accusations crashing up against her understanding tone and he doesn’t know what to think anymore. He’s never been sure how to exist around her, not since pain first settled in his bones and she told him it was growing pains, it would pass, it would get better.

And it never did.

“I haven’t talked to her since I told her I was staying in Manchester,” he says, maybe as an afterthought, maybe because it’s felt heavy on his shoulders since he answered the phone.

“Was she nicer this time?”

He nods. Another tear falls. “She’s texting me my medical history,” says Dan. “She offered, because she– she knew I had trouble writing and remembering.”

Phil hums. His breath has gone even again. His mouth is close to the top of Dan’s head. He sounds hesitant when he speaks. “It sounds like she cares.”

Dan feels that, sharp and painful in his gut. Another tear rolls down his cheek, and his breath catches, and Phil holds him tighter like he’s scared Dan will fall apart.

Maybe he will.

It’s been so long,

He’s been so that sure she doesn’t actually care.

Now, he doesn’t know what to think.

---

His mum texts him.

Dan almost cries. His teeth dig into his lip and his ribs ache and he stares, wide-eyed, at the list of diagnoses and unexplained symptoms he’s had over the years. There’s the migraines they never treated at the beginning, the lightheadedness it took them four years to explain, the instructions to do more exercise that dot the whole six years that he’s been ill.

The first time he went to therapy, and the antidepressants they put him on, and the second time he went to therapy.

And every time he told his doctor he was still sick after that.

Phil’s hand lands on his wrist, gently pushing the phone from Dan’s line of sight. His voice is barely a whisper when he says: “Are you okay?”

Dan swallows. His throat aches.

Laid out like this, it doesn’t look that bad, a distant voice in his head that’s haunted him for too long tries to remind him that maybe he’s just making it all up. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. But Dan can remember the A&E doctor who turned him away because it was growing pains. Can remember the so many times his blood pressure was low before anyone bothered to point it out.

The time his doctor looked at him and said–

“Can we do something?” says Dan. “I want to– I need a distraction.”

Phil nods. In Dan’s peripheral, his phone screen goes black. The knot in his chest loosens, just a bit.

“Wanna play video games?” says Phil.

He shakes his head. “Wanna go out. It’s been too long.”

Phil’s brows furrow, like he’s about to point out that there’s a reason it’s been so long, about to warn Dan that he doesn’t want to make himself sick before such an important day.

Except part of Dan does. He’s done it before, forced himself to be in pain because maybe that way the doctors would actually see that he wasn’t lying. Not that it’s ever worked.

“Please?” he says.

Phil squeezes his wrist. “Okay.” His thumb drifts across Dan’s, careful and comforting. “Where do you want to go?”

---

Dan squeezes into his skinny jeans, even though the fabric burns his legs. He pulls a shirt over his head for what feels like the first time in forever. Though his knees are shaky, he bends down to tie his own laces, as Phil watches from where he’s leaning against the door.

“Are you sure about this?”

He reaches out, without a word, to help Dan stand again.

“I’m sure,” says Dan. “And don’t worry, you won’t need to take me to A&E this time.”

The corner of Phil’s mouth quirks up, and Dan knows he’s forcing it. He can feel his worry in the too-tight clench of Phil’s hand around his, the way his gaze trips over Dan legs when he wobbles as he stands.

He squeezes Phil’s fingers, forcing a smile of his own, as he opens the door.

It’s warm outside. The sky’s going purple as the sun sinks below the city. Dan realizes, staring up at it, that he hasn’t left the flat since he trip to A&E, hasn’t enjoyed being outside in far too long.

If his joints would let him, he’d suggest they walk around a bit. Instead, he stares up at the clouds and reminds himself to spend more evenings, when the sun won’t burn his eyes, on their little balcony, just to feel the wind against his cheeks again.

Phil tugs on his hand when the cab pulls up in front of them. They pile in, side by side in the back seat. Dan doesn’t put on his seatbelt. He can’t be bothered to deal with the harsh rub of fabric against his ribs.

His chest is still tight, the quiet buzz of anxiety at the back of his mind growing louder. He can still feel his phone, heavy in his pocket, can still imagine the text he hasn’t yet responded to. He can remember their last movie night, laughing and gasping and falling asleep with Phil’s hands trying to massage the pain away.

They hadn’t even gone out last time.

Dan stares out the window and hopes he can keep his promise that it’ll be okay this time.

They slip out of the car at the cinema. Phil pays the driver. Dan leans against the wall as he waits, wondering if the lines inside are long. It’s been so long since he’s been to the cinema, he can hardly imagine it anymore. The screens usually hurt his eyes and the audio gives him a headache and he doesn’t care today.

“You okay?”

Phil’s smiling at him, standing by the door. He holds it open for Dan, and buys their tickets for a random comedy neither of them particularly wanted to see. He lets Dan go find a seat as he buys them popcorn, soda, and a chocolate bar to share. He hands it over, in the darkness of the theatre, with a smile.

Between them, their knees bump together as the film starts.

---

They’re holding hands when it ends.

Dan’s eyes are starting to burn and his chest aches from laughing, but the voices in his head have dulled just enough that he can breathe a little easier. He doesn’t think about the appointment he needs to show up to tomorrow, or the doctor he hasn’t met yet who might dash his hopes all over again.

He stares at their joined hands as the cinema empties, smiling.

“You ready to go home?” says Phil.

Dan shrugs. He probably should give his spine a break by sinking into the sofa again, close his eyes against the bright lights of the city before a headache wells in his temples. But he doesn’t want to sit in the dark and wait until tomorrow, letting his fears return.

“Can we get pizza?”

“You up to walk?”

He nods. Phil helps him to his feet and leads him out of the cinema. He knows Manchester better than Dan does, and tells a story about coming to watch movies with Ian when he was younger as they find the nearest pizza place. Dan listens, maybe more attentively than he needs to, to keep his mind from going hazy as the city moves around him.

There’s still a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Dan wonders if him of a few years ago would have believed that he’d end up here.

The restaurant they end up in is small and quiet, and they slide into a booth in the corner of the room. Dan sinks back against the cushion, realizing that Phil’s smiling, too.

His chest feels warm. His fingers twist in the tablecloth, because part of him misses holding Phil’s hand.

“Thanks for tonight,” says Dan. “I had fun.”

Under the table, Phil knocks their feet together.

“I did too,” he says.

[yuudefensesquad]

i saw some post (I can’t find it rn tho) and it was basically someone just ranting about how much they hate yuu and how much he’s whiny and stupid and manipulative (?????how) and how his actions aren’t valid and how Mika has gone through sooo much more than him and I was fucking out the door getting my gps ready to find this bitch and THROW HANDS hhfjvkdkfkam im so done with people like let him live???? istg

takeashoteverytimesomeonesaysmikagoesthroughworsethanyuuandimpliesyuuisfineinthesameexactbreathidbearagingalcoholic! trauma isn’t a fucking competition you dolts!

also yuu hasn’t even whined about life once in the past few volumes. maybe when he was an angsty teen but he was recently fucking traumatized and anyone who holds his PTSD against him can meet my trauma blade.

BUT ANYWAYS

that’s the funny thing anon.

you know… people get away with it too. posts like that get likes and reblogs and people being like “ugh big mood me too big same!! me me me!!! i agree op youj’re so right op fuck yuu fuck his entire character he’s stupid go die!!!” and then they are ilke “ohp watch out the scary yuu stans are gonna come and maul you!!!” when really yuu stans see this shit all the time we are numb to it we aren’t going to attack you bc if we attacked everyone who shat on him for no reason we’d have to attack a lot of the fandom.

youtube comments usually have “mika >>> yuu” or “yuu is a bad protagonist and a bad character mika is so much better” or “yuu is so annoyinggg lmaooo he’s so maad eren jaeger rip off” and tumblr posts feature paragraphs of calling yuu a horrible person or reasoning why mika deserves better than him

and while you can have opinions, it’s completely fine to like mika over yuu, it’s completely fine to dislike yuu, you shouldn’t base your opinions on exaggerated features or, worst of all, fanon.

i’m just so tired. lol. because reading this i wasn’t like whO DArE sSAyT hIS abOUt MY b aBY im just “yup. they do that. and there’s nothing you can do to change their minds. that’s just how they roll. that’s their opinions as harsh as they may be that’s their choice.”

just saying but if you have to degrade a character to put yours up, maybe you have the entire “best character” idea messed up. what i’m basically saying is that if you have to reason it with “x is bad that’s why i like x!” your “favorite character” view is skewed. like do it as much as you want but it’s not a healthy mindset. you should like a character for their character, not how much “Better” they are than another. that’s just spiteful.

you know how painful it is for yuu to get some important development, some important backstory, like something really meaningful to him and people don’t… ever pay attention to it? like i’ve seen no theories, no headcanons, no ideas, no ppl ScReaMing  (i hope it’s just the lack of numbers in this side of the fandom and i’m just being a greedy yuu stan who wishes my boy got a little more love. he may be popular but sometimes the attention is negative or his attention is shared with another character… i digress).

at least, i’m not saying they have to and please don’t get that mixed up and say i’m just being a biased yuu stan who only cares abt yuu, it’s just a common reoccurrence that i have noticed spending my time as a beginner mika stan and formed into a yuu stan. i’m not mad. just dubious.

just… being in the fandom, you learn that yuu is not the fandom favorite or that he’s loved by all. he’s not that loved compared to several other characters and i can learn to live with that. when he gets attention it’s usually about shipping or shared with mika (and while i am a shipper, it’s kind of rough). say i’m throwing a pity party all you want, i do not care, i love my boy and i want him to get the happiness he deserves. i guess that means i’ll just love him in the spots where others lack. that’s where i take the negativity and turn it into something positive.

ignore them, anon. they have a right to say their opinion on a public website anyway, but you have a right to love yuu even more because of the backlash he often gets. (and people are gonna argue and say that he doesn’t bc of protagonist syndrome but i’ve seen a lot of people harshly criticize his character and if you open your eyes there’s a fuckton of people not fond of him)

but yeah that was my rant.

AND THIS IS ALL MY OPINION. PLEASE DO NOT FLAME ME. I AM WILLING TO DEBATE BUT THIS ISN’T MEANT TO TRASH PPL PLEASE SPARE ME

[bloojayoolie]

Advice, Anaconda, and Ass: Time to get a mental health care plan and help What suburb are you in mate Is there any free house cleaning services? Cyou need help bud. Go to your GP and get a Due to my back and the stress I am going through my house has become so The NDIS were the ones and I need help badly. I over and over so l Im my money badly I can't pay someone to come out here and do it next week So I need options badly... and I mean badly cause Im tired of my house up cory that has been the case for you. You profile? You had no right need help. can try another agency to provide the services if your not happy. There must be a goveming body to report the agency passed away last year but it never happened and now because of me l've can get. Anyone who doesn't mind a very messy house and smell 50-755 on tuesday? It's not much but I'm very desperate i also did and agree with And Im so scared now. I will take any sort of helpI They do thatl Im a dew. Get her to email them See a doctor. Commit to it and you can get what you want. It one last time. And then the local member Thanks. . Also don't ask me to take pictures the house is too messy and I'm NDIS are the ones who "pay the Are you stl need help? If yes please pnm If the client doesnt have funds-they wont get cover from an 91 already offered he wont accept Im a cleaner and i have never heard of a free Iif you're legitimate, you would qualify for help through So sorry you are mentioned she passed away last year and you say that? Nah uck you t gets easier for you! I cant offer any assistance but I can however offer kindness and I hope this helps some. Best wishes urely you can spare mate, I think it might be a good start to call beyond blue or a crisis hotline just to talk to someone. From the looks this is about more than a messy house. There are people around who care but you won't find them on Facebook. Best wishes. Take care where are you my own. Like I said above I was supposed to have had help with living on my own and it never happened so yeah m screwed and have no clue what to do. Website: https:ww.lifeline.org.au you if you tell me where you are i ahve to work next 2 days i could give you now after to be an asS 2h swear l see you every week asking for free stuff if you are as bad as you claim you would be getting dsp which is 900 a rude gestures best of luck i bried I hope s tuck me this must be a joke surely you find a nice big rope and put your neck into it and do the f you are injured you can go to your doctor and ask the right steps to take to receive help like you are asking for You will need a letter from your doctor to provide to centrelink with details of your injury and if they il have their own doctor look intoit as well If they think your injury is stopping your or much pain then they will put a plan into affect something like maybe an hours clean once a week or maybe 2 1/2 hour's once a fortnight wow this got nasty to0 being reported. That is NOT the way to get help and there are people who actually DO this everyday. It is NOT ok to tel someone to do that and I seriously hope you find some help Contact your local council and speak to your Doctor to Hif stil need some help depending orn Wow how rude are some of you.. and I'm sorry about for you Until that comment Too many video games and they can It's time to get yourself to a docior so you can get some therapy and a once off house painting wouldnt go astray either Let me know who would like to help. True I have seen this guy before asking or ou must be his friend your life out Get a job. Fix yourselfI laziness as an excuse not to get things done. Why should we clean your house for tree. wHat you SAID to him was WAY BEYOND what he said to you Jake. That is NOT ok, and NO it is NOT ok to say that no mater what he said to you. Do unto others what you want done to you, would you want someone teling you to do that? I think not. You need to have a cool down and THINK before you type anymore Either way i am reporting Admin So not necessary you may be eligible for help in the home, check wit be paid. Even for them to clean tour whole house is likely to be under $100. Sounds like you need help though .there are general services you can call like Lifeline or Sane who can tell you where to go next for help untl he commented. I had no issues until what he said d forbid people have disabilities jesus tucking christ hope none of you get injuries and need to rely on others e was told to call his mummy 2h and advice. It doesn t take much to be kind. Yes he is asking a lot and no I wouldn't do it. But he clearly needs help not taken the piss all have problems. God helps those who him don't worry about it. Probably gets off on comments liie ou up for a someday you suter the Borry to hear..call the council and see if they because they very well MAY DO IT and YOUR ass will be on s you that much just ignore it ine it against the LAW to tel someone to go off Also if you don t have basic living skills you may want avent you got any friends to help and you need a better attitude Try joining& posting in this group. They trade items for house as he sounds very aggressive and unstable leave it to eed the better attitude when he just told didnt insult my dead mother and I won't say nothing how does tha sound? ril let him run his mouth about her He can even take u can get help if u genuinely need it it sounds lke from what u said u havent had much luck with ndis in the past My son has a disability and has had success with ndis but we had reports from psychologists and many her if that's how you like it plan and get some reports. Once u have those reports turn up to then ndis office with the reports and ask nicely if they can please is that all you took from tnis post? Not that there is an exdtremely unwell person begging to have l also see a with very away, youre just a troll Unless of course, you're planning nasty responses of hoping they commit suicide that is online bullying and 100% not ok I understand u t not n a good place right now but please don't attack others and take the help that is offlered and use told that by an ex that hit a nerve. That comment was not There are ways to tell people to stop than telling them to kill themselvesThere are A LOT o people who feel for you and want to help you. You need to You were looking for free food last week No ones matter what they said. He should not have said what he did I agree but what YOU SAID was worse someone besides people who your getting cut at on a Facebook buy swap and sell page. You start abusing people when you dont get what you want its no wonder youre being called out njesus take the help mate rf you still have the cats then 100% you need the helpm is no worse than the other