#yeah i read empress theresa lol

[glamnessaaumisc]

Short Story: How You Have Fallen From Heaven

God sat upon His throne, worrying for His world and His children. Man had seemed to have gone completely mad. The Lord was used to witnessing people masquerade as gods, but no mortal had ever done it so well that they managed to completely bend His world to their will. It was messing everything up and He had a problem with that, so He decided after much deliberation to call forth the Second Coming a little early. A few minutes later, a girl who looked to be in her late teens walked into His throne room, mystified by its magnificence. God knew this girl very well. His eyes lit right up and His mouth contorted into a wide grin. "Well, well, well! If it isn't Empress Theresa." God said. "Is this Heaven?" asked the girl. "Indeed it is!" He replied, "But first, I must judge you." "But-" Theresa protested. The Lord reassured her, "Worry not, Theresa. I know of your deeds. It is just that all new arrivals here are judged. No exception." God pointed towards a door on one end of the room as His smile grew wider. "Behold, the prosecution! Come forth, Ms. McKesson." Theresa’s eyes widened as she began to hyperventilate. Out came that lawyer, the one who filed a lawsuit against Theresa, only to be ruthlessly stalked and tormented by the Empress until she retracted it. The “grounding” may have ceased, but Connie McKesson never forgot what Theresa did to her. Now she was on the prosecution team of God Himself, ready to finally bring Theresa to justice. "I've been building this case for years." McKesson laughed. Theresa didn't stand a chance.

[plaguedocboi]

I just saw your post about reading a weird religious book that had a Mary Sue protag...

... it wasn't, perhaps, "Empress Theresa "? It's pretty infamous for being awful

No I think it was called The Twelfth Prophecy (did not have any prophecies in it as far as I could tell) and it was actually like the twelfth book in a series and my teacher never had us read the others so I’m assuming they’re all stand-alone books that follow a similar storyline.

Yeah this one was about a lady named Abigail living in biblical times and in the beginning we learn she’s being persecuted because she had a child out of wedlock which okay Realistic based on the time period. So I assumed this was going to be a story about a “sinful lusty woman” reforming herself and becoming a Christian or whatever. But then the entire middle of the book is dedicated to establishing that she is already a Perfect Kind Loving Selfless Person who’s only crime was being so ridiculously beautiful that every man in town was in love with her.

And this was So Heavily Stressed it was just absurd. There are scenes with no purpose other than describing Abigail walking through town looking like a “completely different species” than all the other bitter ugly sexless women who live there. There’s lines in there like “she looked like a swan surrounded by a herd of warthogs” (not a direct quote ofc but that type of shit). So the whole having a child out of wedlock thing isn’t even the reason people dislike her, it’s because all the other women are jealous and worried she’s going to steal their husbands. It is also HEAVILY STRESSED that the antagonist is asexual in addition to being bitter and ugly and this is why she’s bad.

Eventually she makes a friend and it’s obviously set up to be a Developing Romance SO I was like okay maybe this is going to be a story where she realizes her other relationships were toxic and fucked up and this is going to be her Prince Charming or whatever. No. At some point he’s like “hey I hear you need money, how about I pay you to come live with me and be my sex slave” and she’s like lol ok.

The conclusion of the story is that she meets Jesus and they hang out and then she marries the Creepy Sex Slave guy and has like fifteen kids with him. So I genuinely have no idea even today what the moral of this story was meant to be or how it even got published as a Christian story because it was just like weird fanfiction that involved a guest appearance by Jesus. It was the most bizarre and pointless story I’ve ever had the displeasure of reading.

[glamnessaaumisc]

A Rant about TVTropes and Theresa

Does something ever irk you so much that you feel like you need to vent it out to the worldwide internet? Because that's exactly what's happening to me. I don't even know why. I can just look away, but it just irks me. Keep in mind this is the dumbest rant I've ever considered writing, but it makes me feel better so here goes:

Everyone knows Empress Theresa is a really bad book, right? Theresa is a terrible character and a massive narcissist like her creator. There is a chapter where she cruelly torments 9 lawyers, including a single mother of 2, until they withdraw a lawsuit against her.

What irks me is that whoever wrote the TV Tropes page about Empress Theresa (in addition to its mention in the Karmic Overkill trope article) got some details wrong about this chapter.

In the book Empress Theresa, the following is said in Chapter 17:

"The reality hit [Connie McKesson]. Any vehicle she entered would not move. I wasn’t going to allow her to go anywhere except on foot." "I zeroed in on the Lamper Building and found the eight lawyers...I found them, and Steve ’tagged’ them with T’s, and ’hit’ them with X’s...When they left the building to go home they found out one by one that no vehicle would move with their butts inside. They were forced to walk to a nearby hotel."

So she curses Connie McKesson and 8 other lawyers and makes it so they can't use vehicles. What happens after they withdraw their lawsuit?

"I took the X’s off the nine strips of mat board and the nine lawyers could use vehicles."

So after the lawsuit is withdrawn, Theresa lifts the curse on all of them. Now how does TV Tropes describe this event?

According to the Empress Theresa page:

"Theresa instead sabotages the life of the lawyer and makes it so any motor vehicle with her inside will inexplicably stall and fail...Theresa never reverses this either, so this is presumably just something this woman has to live with forever now,"

And according to the Karmic Overkill page:

"Theresa responds by putting what's effectively a curse on the lawyer who took the case, making it so that any motor vehicle with her inside will inexplicably stall and fail...And since there's no indication that Theresa ever reverses what she did, the poor woman presumably has to deal with this problem for the rest of her life."

According to TV Tropes, Theresa curses only one lawyer and never removes the curse even after she withdraws the lawsuit. This is wildly different from the source material, where Theresa curses nine lawyers and reverses it for all of them when they withdraw their suit. I am unsure what version of the book the person(s?) who wrote these passages read, or if there even are any other versions of the book out there, but it sure as Hell isn't the version I'm reading.

I really don't know why this annoys me enough to write such a long post about it, but it just...does.