#yeah also fuck the sanghi bjp government

[phuvioqhile]

Is there anything you need to rant about? Feel free to use this space to do so

maybe? just gonna put it under the cut because this is not going to make any sense at all <3

i’m kinda in a laidback-but-still-stressed-out mood these days. like in my mind i’ve genuinely stopped giving a fuck about the world burning around me but at the same time i’m super stressed about shit too?? what the fuck??  

my exams get over on the 12th and then i have a break for 9 days. i’ve been begging for a break from college for MONTHS now, i should be excited about that, but i’m not? i’ve lost interest in things i was looking forward to do, yes even reading books is becoming difficult? like what the hell will i do for 9 days? i hope this feeling goes away once i’m on break.

i also don’t know if this is the right career path for me. i don’t have interest in anything and i’m not good enough to pursue something else. literally what the fuck am i doing wasting my time AND money studying. i think about dropping out everyday lol.

i was planning on going out a bit, but guess what there’s a fourth wave of covid and i live in the red zone of my state. yay! how fun! another fucking lockdown because some stupid ass bitches didn’t wear their masks. 

ngl this entire covid situation is freaking me out a bit, i’m feeling super paranoid. i know i should be thankful that i have the basic necessities but i don’t think i can handle another few months of staying at home. before the pandemic i was giving my board exams and i didn’t get out for the entire second half of 2019. i’m really tired and disappointed. by the looks of it, covid here is not gonna go away anytime soon because of poor governance + less resources, i hate it here. 

also my country is literally running out of vaccines heLP, my parents were supposed to get vaccinated and they had to wait in the hospital for two hours only to be told that they fucking ran out of vaccines what the fuck????? no cuz this stupid fucking government wants to waste money on building temples rather than fund healthcare. fuck this sanghi government

i fought with my sister. though the fight was silly, i feel bad sometimes when she does stuff like this. she’s not talking to me now and thats a bit unreasonable i guess but maybe i’m wrong. i should just stop talking irl  

i’m tired, these past three years have fucked me up mentally. i don’t think i’ve ever had such unhealthy thoughts. dark thoughts are scary and confusing. i feel guilty for existing sometimes. its so confusing i can’t explain what i feel most of the times. 

my brain feels heavy and sometimes i feel like i’m not really present you know? its like i’m floating somewhere in between. i am treating my body wrong, i should be taking care of myself but i’m not because lol sometimes i really don’t care about myself. i feel tired and sleepy but hate sleeping because every fucking day is the same, i think i may have some form of sleep anxiety. but hey i still dream of love and all other nice things. though i know that its a bit toxic to think that every problem will vanish once i am in the arms of my lover, but ya girl needs unhealthy scenarios to cope with her shitty reality.  

before you say that i need a therapist - i know. i fucking know but online therapy won’t work for me and i’ll have to travel almost an hour to find good (but super fucking expensive) therapists. its sad. 

but i’ll be okay because i’m probably overreacting about stuff, theres still a tiny bit hope. i still want to see beautiful mountains and flowers.