#yeah I'm making a tag for specifically gushing about my friends

[iamquiantrelle]

ROSY DELUSIONS •────── iamquiantrelle

# pairing: eduardo camavinga x black reader (spring has sprung series)

# tags: @irishmanwhore @kj77 @oceanfanatic06 @snowseasonmademe @leighjadeclimbedmtkilimanjaro @thepointlessideas

# summary: Eduardo has always been her best friend—the one constant in her life, the person who knows her better than anyone. So when she starts gushing about a new guy she’s dating, he does what any good friend would do: listens, smiles, and pretends it doesn’t bother him. But the more he hears, the more he realizes—no one will ever know her like he does, no one will ever care for her the way he does. Maybe she’s blinded by the idea of something new, or maybe she just doesn’t see what’s been right in front of her all along. Either way, Eduardo is done playing the role of the best friend. It’s time for her to see him in a different light.

"Celmi," you called, letting yourself into his apartment with the key he'd given you last year. "You home?"

Music was blaring – some Afrobeats track he'd been obsessed with lately – but no response came. Typical Eduardo, lost in his own world again.

You followed the sound through his ridiculously spacious Madrid villa, finding him in the kitchen, dancing while making... something. His dreads were pulled back in a messy bun, sweatpants hanging low on his hips, completely oblivious to your presence as he stirred whatever concoction he was working on.

For a moment, you just watched him – this 6'0" professional footballer with all the grace in the world on the pitch and absolutely none in the kitchen. Eduardo Camavinga, your best friend for the past three years.

You smiled, remembering how it all started...

Three years earlier

"That's the last pair in a 10," the sales associate said apologetically, pointing to the sneakers another customer was currently examining.

You groaned internally. You'd been waiting for this release for months, saved up specifically for these limited edition kicks. And now some guy with dreads was holding them, turning them over in his hands like he wasn't even sure he wanted them.

"Excuse me," you said, approaching him with what you hoped was a friendly smile. "Are you planning to buy those?"

He looked up, surprised, a grin automatically spreading across his face. "Yeah, they're the last in my size."

"Your size is a women's 10?" you asked skeptically, eyeing his considerably larger feet.

He laughed. "Men's 9. Same thing."

"So you know they're unisex?"

"Yeah." He looked confused now. "Why?"

"Because I've been waiting for these for months, and they're my size too." You tried to keep your voice even. "And it kind of looks like you're not even sure you want them."

"Who says I'm not sure?" His accent thickened slightly with defensiveness, French undertones becoming more pronounced. "I want them."

"You were looking at them like you were debating."

"I was admiring," he corrected. "Big difference."

The sales associate looked increasingly uncomfortable. "Perhaps we can check other stores—"

"I was here first," the guy said, not rudely but firmly.

"By like two minutes!"

"Still counts."

You weren't typically confrontational, but something about his easy confidence, the way he seemed to expect things to just go his way, made you stand your ground.

"Do you even know what makes this release special?" you challenged.

His eyebrows shot up. "The Air cushioning, the limited colorway, and the fact they're the first collaboration with—"

"Okay, so you know your stuff," you conceded. "But I'd still rock them better."

A surprised laugh escaped him. "Bold claim."

"I can back it up."

Something shifted in his expression – amusement, maybe respect. "Tell you what," he said, "why don't we—"

But you never found out what his solution was going to be because a small crowd had gathered now, a few people whispering excitedly, one teenager nudging another.

"It's Camavinga," someone said, and suddenly you realized why he looked vaguely familiar.

The guy – Eduardo Camavinga, apparently a football player based on the reaction – looked mildly annoyed at the interruption. The sales associate, sensing a potential scene, stepped in.

"Perhaps both of you could try another location? We can call ahead—"

"Keep them," Eduardo said suddenly, handing the shoes to you. "But only if you let me buy you coffee and explain why they'd look better on me."

You blinked, thrown by the unexpected offer. "You're asking me out?"

"I'm suggesting a debate over coffee." His grin was back, somehow both confident and boyish. "Unless you're scared I'll convince you."

"In your dreams," you said, but you were smiling now too. "Fine. Coffee. And I'm keeping the shoes."

"Deal."

Present day

"Yo, Celmi!" you tried again, louder this time.

He spun around, wooden spoon in hand, face lighting up with that infectious smile that hadn't changed since that first day.

"Shit! When'd you get here?" He turned down the music with his free hand. "I'm making that Angolan dish my mom showed me."

"It smells..." you searched for a diplomatic word, "interesting."

"Shut up, it's gonna be fire." He pointed the spoon at you accusingly, spattering something red on the floor. "You're just mad I didn't warn you I was cooking."

"Last time you 'cooked' we had to order pizza at midnight because whatever you made was straight trash."

"That was different. I was experimenting." He turned back to his pot, adding something that looked suspiciously like way too much spice. "This is a family recipe."

"Uh-huh." You dropped onto his couch, kicking your shoes off and making yourself at home like you always did. "How was training?"

"Good, good." His voice carried from the kitchen. "Carlo says I'm starting against Valencia."

"Look at you! Starting two matches in a row?"

"Don't sound so surprised!" He peeked around the corner, pretending to be offended. "I'm kind of a big deal, you know."

You rolled your eyes, but the pride was evident in your voice. "Yeah, yeah, superstar."

This was your rhythm with Eduardo. The easy banter, the comfortable silence that sometimes fell between conversations, the way you could show up unannounced and it was never a problem. He was your person – the one who'd held you through breakups, celebrated your victories, listened to your fears at 3 AM.

Just friends, you always told people who assumed otherwise. Just really good friends who happened to spend most of their free time together. Who occasionally fell asleep on each other's couches, or sometimes in each other's beds after movie marathons. No big deal.

It hadn't always been this easy. After that first coffee – which turned into lunch, which turned into exchanging numbers – you'd been wary. Not just because he was a professional footballer, but because guys who looked like Eduardo Camavinga rarely wanted to just be friends with girls.

But that's exactly what happened. Texting turned into hanging out turned into a genuine friendship that surprised you both with its depth and ease. He wasn't what you'd expected from a football star – he was goofy, thoughtful, surprisingly deep when the situation called for it.

"So," he called from the kitchen, "how was your date last night?"

Right. The date. The reason you'd actually come over.

"About that..." You sat up straighter, excitement bubbling through you. "I need to tell you everything."

Eduardo appeared in the doorway, his expression carefully neutral. "That good, huh?"

"Celmi, he's amazing." The words tumbled out, enthusiasm impossible to contain. "Like, seriously amazing. We talked for four hours and it felt like minutes. He's smart and funny and he does that nonprofit work I told you about, the one with refugee kids?"

"Sounds perfect," Eduardo said, returning to his pot. "What's his name again?"

"Karim. He's Algerian-French, grew up in Lyon." You followed him into the kitchen, perching on a counter. "And get this – he doesn't even care about football. Like, at all. Didn't even recognize me from any of the team events I've been to with you."

Eduardo's stirring rhythm faltered slightly. "Wow. A unicorn."

"I know, right? No awkward questions about getting him tickets or introducing him to the team." You swung your legs, caught up in the excitement of someone new. "We're going out again tomorrow night."

"Fast work." He glanced at you, something unreadable flickering across his features. "Must really like him."

"I think I do." You paused, watching him cook. "You okay with that?"

Eduardo looked up, surprise evident. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know. You seem..." You gestured vaguely. "Weird."

"I'm good." His smile returned, bright as ever, though it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Just focused on not burning this."

"Need any help?"

"From you?" He laughed, the tension dissipating. "The girl who set pasta on fire?"

"That was one time!"

"One time is enough when it comes to kitchens." He bumped you with his hip. "Go sit. Tell me more about Mr. Perfect."

So you did. You told him about Karim's work, his travels, his ambitions. You told him about the restaurant he'd taken you to, tucked away in a corner of Madrid you'd never explored. You told him about the easy conversation, the lingering touches, the goodnight kiss that promised more.

And Eduardo listened. He always listened. Stirring his pot, adding ingredients, occasionally asking questions, but mostly just letting you talk. It was one of the things you loved most about him – how he gave you space to process out loud, to explore your thoughts without judgment.

By the time dinner was ready – surprisingly edible this time – you'd exhausted the topic of Karim. The conversation shifted to Eduardo's upcoming match, to the latest drama with his teammates, to the movie you'd both been meaning to watch.

Normal. Comfortable. Exactly what you needed after the nervous excitement of a promising date.

Later, sprawled on his couch watching the film, your head in his lap while his fingers absently played with your hair, you felt that familiar contentment that only came with Eduardo. The ease of being with someone who knew all your stories, all your quirks, all your flaws, and liked you anyway.

"Celmi?"

"Hmm?" His eyes didn't leave the screen, but his fingers continued their gentle movement through your hair.

"I'm glad I have you."

Now he looked down, his expression soft in the dim light. "You always will."

Something in his tone made you glance up, but his attention was already back on the movie, his face revealing nothing.

Just friends, you reminded yourself. That's all this was. All it had ever been.

No matter what your heart sometimes whispered in moments like these.

______________________________________________

Eduardo was used to being watched. On the pitch, every move scrutinized by thousands of eyes. In public, the subtle recognition, the whispered "isn't that...?" But nothing compared to the intensity of Aurélien's stare across the training facility locker room.

"What?" Eduardo finally asked, pausing in lacing up his boots.

"You're doing it again," Aurélien said simply.

"Doing what?"

"That thing where you pretend you're fine but you're actually dying inside." Aurélien dropped onto the bench beside him. "She went out with him again, didn't she?"

Eduardo sighed. Of course Aurélien would notice. The man missed nothing, on or off the pitch. "Third date tonight."

"And you're still playing the supportive best friend?"

"What else am I supposed to do?"

"Oh, I don't know," Aurélien's voice dripped sarcasm, "maybe tell her how you feel? Crazy concept, I know."

Eduardo shook his head, returning to his boots. "It's not that simple."

"It literally is that simple. 'Hey, I'm in love with you, have been for years, please stop dating this random guy and date me instead.'"

"I'm not in love with her," Eduardo protested automatically.

Aurélien's eyebrow rose in perfect disbelief.

"We're friends," Eduardo insisted. "Best friends."

"Best friends who practically live at each other's places? Who call each other first with every piece of news? Who fell asleep cuddling on my couch at the last team party?"

"Friends can cuddle."

"Celmi." Aurélien rarely used his middle name – that was your thing. Coming from him, it felt like a warning. "You're not fooling anyone but yourself. And maybe her."

Eduardo stood, needing to move, to escape this conversation. "Even if you're right – which you're not – she's clearly into someone else right now."

"Someone she's known for what, a week? Versus you, who she's known for years?"

"Exactly! Years of friendship. Years of her seeing me as just Eduardo, her buddy, her pal." He grabbed his water bottle, frustration building. "If she was going to see me differently, don't you think it would have happened by now?"

Aurélien shrugged. "Maybe she's waiting for you to make a move. Maybe she thinks you only see her as a friend. Maybe she's dating this guy precisely because she thinks you're not an option."

That gave Eduardo pause. Could it be possible? Had there been signs he'd missed, opportunities he'd let slip by?

He thought back to the countless movie nights, the way you'd sometimes fall asleep against him. The time you'd gotten sick and he'd stayed up all night, making sure your fever didn't spike again. The way you lit up when he entered a room, even if you'd just seen him yesterday.

No. He couldn't let himself hope like that. Couldn't risk the friendship that meant everything to him on the chance that maybe, possibly, you might see him as more than just good old reliable Eduardo.

"I'm not having this conversation," he decided, heading for the door.

"Coward," Aurélien called after him, but there was no heat in it. Just concern.

Eduardo ignored him, pushing through the door onto the training pitch where he could lose himself in the game, in the physicality and focus that left no room for complicated emotions.

But even as he ran drills, as he practiced passes with mechanical precision, his mind kept circling back to you. To how you'd sounded on the phone this morning, excited about tonight's date. To how he'd forced enthusiasm into his voice, offered advice on what to wear, promised to be waiting for the full report tomorrow.

Playing the role of the supportive best friend while something inside him cracked a little more each time.

Maybe Aurélien was right. Maybe he was a coward.

Or maybe he just knew that some risks weren't worth taking, no matter how much the reward might be.

_______________________________________________

"He's taking me to Barcelona next weekend," you said, scrolling through train options on your phone. "Just a quick overnight trip to see some art exhibition he thinks I'll love."

Eduardo nodded, trying to look interested rather than irritated. It had been two weeks since your first date with Karim, and somehow the guy was still around, still apparently perfect, still taking up more and more of the conversation every time you and Eduardo hung out.

"Sounds fun," he managed.

"You okay?" You looked up from your phone, brow furrowing with concern. "You've been weird all day."

You were at his place again, ostensibly to watch the match replay from yesterday's game, but you'd spent most of the time talking about Karim. Eduardo couldn't even blame you – new relationships were exciting, all-consuming. He knew that. He just hadn't expected it to bother him so much.

He thought back to the one serious relationship you'd had since he'd known you. That guy from your work, Adam or Alex or something. That hadn't bothered him nearly as much. But then, that guy hadn't been taking you to Barcelona or perfect in every way. That guy hadn't felt like a real threat.

"Just tired." He forced a smile. "Big match yesterday."

"You were amazing, by the way. That assist? Chef's kiss." You demonstrated, fingers to lips, then outward in appreciation.

"Thanks." His smile turned more genuine. You never missed his matches, either in person or on TV. Even with New Perfect Boyfriend in the picture, you'd still been there yesterday, cheering from the friends and family section.

"Seriously, Celmi. You're playing at another level this season."

"Finally getting the minutes I deserve," he joked, but the praise warmed him. You'd always been his biggest cheerleader, right from the beginning when you barely knew offside from a corner kick.

Two years earlier

"Wait, explain it again?" you asked, forehead creased in concentration as you watched the replay on his TV.

Eduardo fought a smile. You were so determined to understand football, despite having little natural interest in the sport. All because you wanted to be able to talk to him about his work, to share in the thing that mattered most to him professionally.

"He's offside because when the pass was made, he was behind the last defender." Eduardo pointed to the screen. "See?"

"But he wasn't when he got the ball."

"Doesn't matter. It's where he was when the pass was played."

"That's a stupid rule."

"Maybe. But it's the rule."

You threw a handful of popcorn at him. "Your sport is complicated."

"Says the girl who tried to explain the blood pressure notes to me for an hour last week."

"That's different. That actually makes sense."

He laughed, pulling you against his side without thinking. "You don't have to understand it, you know. I don't mind explaining."

"I want to, though." Your head found his shoulder naturally. "It's important to you, so it's important to me."

Something warm unfurled in his chest at your words. That was the moment, looking back, when friendship started shifting into something more – at least for him. The realization that you cared enough to learn about something that didn't interest you, simply because it mattered to him.

He'd never told you that, of course. Some things were safer kept to himself.

Present day

You set your phone down, giving him your full attention. "For real though, something's off with you. Talk to me."

This was the problem with someone knowing you too well. Nothing stayed hidden for long.

"It's nothing," he insisted. "Just... stuff on my mind."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Team stuff. Family stuff." He shrugged, avoiding your eyes. "Nothing important."

You studied him for a long moment, clearly not believing him but also not pushing. That was another thing about your friendship – knowing when to press and when to give space.

"Well, if you want to talk about it," you said finally, "I'm here."

"I know." And that was the crux of the problem, wasn't it? You were always there for him, just as he was for you. The perfect friendship. Exactly what he'd always told himself he wanted.

Until suddenly, inexplicably, it wasn't enough anymore.

"Actually," he said before he could stop himself, "there is something."

You sat up straighter, giving him your full attention. "I'm listening."

Eduardo took a deep breath. Now or never. "This thing with Karim..."

"Yeah?" Your expression was open, curious.

"Are you sure it's what you want?"

Your brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"I mean..." He struggled to find the right words, to express the feelings he'd been fighting without revealing too much. "You barely know him. It's all happening so fast."

"That's usually how dating works, Celmi." There was a hint of amusement in your voice, like you thought he was being overprotective. "People meet, they click, they spend time together. Normal shit."

"I know that." He ran a hand over his dreads, frustration building. "I just... I don't want to see you get hurt."

"Who says I'm going to get hurt?"

"No one, it's just... guys like that—"

"Guys like what?" Now there was an edge to your voice. "You don't even know him."

"Exactly! And neither do you, not really. Two weeks isn't enough time to know someone, to trust them with—"

"With what, Eduardo? My heart? My body? What exactly are you worried about here?"

You were getting angry now, and he was making a mess of this, but he couldn't seem to stop himself.

"All of it! He's moving so fast, with the Barcelona trip and everything. What's his rush?"

"Maybe he just knows what he wants." You stood, gathering your things. "Like I do."

"And what's that?"

"Someone who sees me as more than just a friend. Someone who wants to be with me and isn't afraid to show it."

The words hit like a physical blow. Was that how you saw him? As someone who didn't want you that way? Who only saw you as a friend?

"That's not fair," he said quietly.

"No? Then what exactly are you saying, Eduardo? Because it sounds like you're telling me I shouldn't date anyone you haven't personally vetted."

"That's not—"

"Then what? What's your problem with Karim? With me dating him?"

"I don't have a problem with him!" The words exploded out of him. "I have a problem with it not being me!"

Silence fell between you, heavy and sudden. Eduardo's heart pounded in his chest, the confession hanging in the air, impossible to take back.

Your expression shifted from anger to confusion. "What?"

Too late to retreat now. Eduardo stood, moving toward you with a determination he usually reserved for the pitch.

"I said, I have a problem with it not being me. Taking you to Barcelona. Planning stuff for you. Being more than just your friend."

You stared at him, shock evident in your features. "Celmi..."

"I know, I know. Terrible timing." He ran a hand over his face. "I didn't mean to say it like this. Or at all, maybe. I don't know."

"How long?" Your voice was barely above a whisper.

"Does it matter?"

"It matters to me."

Eduardo sighed, the fight draining out of him. "I don't know exactly. It happened so gradually. One day you were just my friend, and then... you were everything."

You sat back down, looking like you needed the support. "Why didn't you say something? All this time..."

"Because what we have is good. It works. I didn't want to risk it for something that might not."

"That wasn't your decision to make alone." There was hurt in your voice now. "You never even gave me the chance to—"

"To what? Let me down gently? Tell me how much you value our friendship?" His laugh held no humor. "I've heard that speech before. Didn't particularly want to hear it from you."

"You don't know what I would have said."

"Don't I? We tell each other everything, remember? If you'd felt something, anything beyond friendship, I think I would have known."

You stood again, moving toward him now, something determined in your expression. "You don't know everything about me, Eduardo Celmi Camavinga. Not if you think I've never thought about this. About us."

His heart stuttered. "What?"

"You think you're the only one who's ever wondered? The only one who's ever lain awake thinking about what it might be like if things were different between us?"

"But you never said—"

"Neither did you!" You were right in front of him now, close enough that he could see the flecks of gold in your eyes, the slight tremble in your lips. "We were both too afraid of ruining what we had. So we just... stayed safe. In this comfortable friendship where we could have almost everything without risking anything."

Eduardo's mind was racing, trying to process what you were saying. Had you really felt the same way? For how long?

"And then Karim came along," you continued, "and he was straightforward about what he wanted. No guessing, no reading between the lines. It was... refreshing."

"So you do like him." The realization settled like a weight in his chest.

"I like the clarity." Your hand came up to rest on his chest, right over his heart. "But Celmi... it's always been you. Even when I tried to convince myself otherwise."

Time seemed to stop as Eduardo processed your words. You'd felt it too. All this time, while he was playing the role of the supportive best friend, you'd been harboring the same feelings, the same fears.

"So what now?" he asked, hardly daring to believe this was real.

"Now?" A small smile played at your lips. "Now you should probably kiss me. Before I change my mind and go back to the guy who was brave enough to ask me out in the first place."

Eduardo didn't need to be told twice. His hands came up to frame your face, thumbs brushing your cheeks with a gentleness that belied the storm of emotion inside him.

"Bossy as always," he murmured, earning a laugh from you that he captured with his lips.

The kiss was everything he'd imagined and nothing like he'd expected. Familiar, because it was you – the same you he'd hugged a thousand times, the same you whose head had rested on his shoulder during movie nights. But also entirely new, a revelation, a beginning.

When you finally broke apart, both slightly breathless, the look in your eyes was worth every moment of uncertainty, every pang of jealousy, every fear he'd battled to get to this point.

"I should probably cancel that Barcelona trip," you said, a smile spreading across your face.

"Probably," he agreed, pulling you closer. "Or we could go instead. I know this great little spot near La Rambla..."

Your laugh was warm against his chest. "Always competing."

"Only when it matters." He pressed a kiss to the top of your head. "And you matter more than anything."

It wasn't how he'd planned to tell you. Wasn't the perfect moment he'd sometimes imagined. But as you stood in his living room, wrapped in each other's arms, Eduardo knew that sometimes the best things happen not according to plan, but according to heart.

And his heart had always belonged to you, his best friend, his person, now something even more precious – his everything.

_______________________________________________

When Eduardo told the story later, he always ended with the shoes.

"She still has them," he'd say, arm draped around your shoulders. "Never wears them though."

"They're collector's items now!" you'd protest.

"They're shoes. They're meant to be worn."

"Says the guy with fifty pairs he keeps in boxes."

"That's different." He'd press a kiss to your temple. "Those are investments."

"These are memories," you'd counter.

And he couldn't argue with that. Those shoes – the ones you'd almost fought him for in a boutique three years ago – had changed everything. Had led to coffee, to friendship, to love.

Had led to him finally seeing what had been right in front of him all along.

[dimonds456]

Howdy!

I'm Dimonds456, and welcome to my garbage pile. I'm a bat who stays up way too late and cannot decide whether or not to be productive. I draw, write, animate, play/write music, and I'm also insane so watch out for that.

I'm neurodivergent, disabled, queer, white, a singlet, fictionkin, and a proud cat papa. I am a cartoon character who is way too bouncy for their own good lol.

They / he / xe!

This is my main blog, but my ADHD ass also has a bunch more.

@dimonds456-art - my art blog! Almost all art gets rbed there!

@dimonds456-but-only-hlvrai - my HLVRAI sideblog! Because yeah why not. This is one of me current hyperfixations lol it's bad

@rubberhose-roy is my sideblog used to gush about 1920's-40's aesthetics, music, culture, ect., as well as an animation blog! All my animations specifically will be reblogged there, as well as any animation rambles or gushes I do.

I have more but those are the main three.

My fandom-specific blogs are:

@dimonds456-but-only-hlvrai (again)

@hlvrai-stuck-together - HLVRAI AU I run!

@halfnautica - Half Life / Subnautica AU!

@a-second-chance-su-au - Old SU AU that has been discontinued, but the blog is still there!

@batim-rewritten - a Bendy and the Ink Machine rewrite I'm working on

@cuphead-contract-au - A Cuphead AU where Mugman makes a deal (discontinued)

And, I have my own OC story, Follychromatic! I reblog all that stuff here, but its main blog is here!

@follychromatic

To see pictures of my cats, check the #Checkers and Chess tag! :D

Okay great. Now, DNI, trigger warnings, disabilities, special interests, and more below the cut. Make sure you read at least once, k? Thanks.

Welcome to my cave!

DNI

Do not FUCKING interact if you are:

- Someone who ships pedophilic, incestuous, or abusive ships while portraying them as positive and a good thing

- A bigot

- An LGBTphobe / transmed / ect

- Trump supporter

- Nazi / fascist / conservative

- Weird about furries or furry art

- Weird about fandom headcanons (specifically trans woman headcanons)

Trigger Warnings

I will tag as much as I can, and if you want me to tag something specific, let me know! But as a general blog cover, things that appear on this blog often are:

- Current events

- Talk of / discussion of sexuality (sometimes boardering on NSFW but not usually)

- Blood

- Guns

- Flashing

- Talk of proshippers (I try to be respectful but also I don't stand for them and I don't support them. I block and move on, and try to explain why proship is bad, but eh. I've only been listened to like once lol)

- Swearing / swear words

- All caps

- Bugs

- Suggestive content / NSFW (RARE DONT WORRY)

I will add more if anyone wants me to, or we can come up with a custom tag, like what I do for one of my friends! (#dimond don't look)

DISABILITIES

Hiiii I'm disabled! Both mentally and physically. I talk about being disabled a lot and try to generate positive talk about it. I also vent about it. I've had quite a few of these, and I also try to reblog as much about others I don't have as I can to increase awareness and understanding. So yeah! These are just the ones I have, but they are not the only ones that appear on my blog!

Hyperthyroidism

Graves Disease

Graves Eye Disease

Astigmatism

Athsma

Audio processing disorder

ADHD

Autism

Trauma / PTSD

Brain fog / disassociation / memory loss

Anxiety

Depression

Cane user

Weak / trembling limbs / trouble walking / trouble holding onto things sometimes

More to be added lol.

This is also a meds/treatment positive blog, a self-diagnosis positive blog, and my general attitude is just "if you think something is wrong you're probably right, you know yourself the best, even if you don't know what exactly is wrong." This attitude has saved my life and other people I know. You don't need a diagnosis or medication to be disabled.

THIS IS A SAFE SPACE.

If you are Jewish, black, brown, Muslim, indigenous, any religion, any race, any sexuality, any weird gender, anything at all- I love and support you. I'm still learning, and I try to learn as much as I can, but I'm not perfect. If I say something offensive or something adjacent, it was NOT on purpose. PLEASE, PLEASE tell me what I said wrong. I will make an effort to improve in the future.

I directly support:

- All races

- All religions*

- All sexualities (except pedos, y'all aren't LGBT, I'm sorry. You're actively hurting children. I've seen it again and again. Stop.)

- All genders and pronouns

- All "weird" identities outside of that as well (I'm fictionkin myself)

- Protests and protesters

- Neurodivergent people of all types (and yes, this means NPD, schizo, and all those other types that are often seen as bad or evil. I love you, I see you, and I support you.)

- DID & OSDD systems

I DO NOT support:

- Antisemitism

- Genocide

- Cults (*stuff like Jehova's Witnesses. I support the members, as they are victims, but I actively dislike the people on top who perpetuate the cycle. Not just JWs, but those are the big ones who come to mind. Hearts out to all the victims, I hope everyone gets to a better place soon)

- Racism in any way, shape, or form

- Religious discrimination of any way, shape, or form

- Israel specifically

- Trump, conservatives, Nazis, ect.

- Endo systems

If I have reblogged or said anything that aligns with the bottom list, that was a mistake. PLEASE let me know and I will fix it as fast as I can. You reading this right now, I love you. I hope my blog can help you feel welcomed and like you have somewhere to go if you need it. /gen

MY FANDOMS / INTERESTS

I HAVE ADHD AND AUTISM AND I'M MAKING THAT EVERYONE ELSE'S PROBLEM /silly

The current special interests are HLVRAI and Half Life, current hyperfixations are Half Life and Poppy Playtime.

SPECIAL INTERESTS:

- Minecraft

- HTTYD

- FNaF

- Undertale / Deltarune

- BATIM / BATDR (unfortunately)

- Subnautica

- Biology

- Steven Universe

- Cuphead

- 2D Animation

- Writing

- HLVRAI

- Half Life

HYPERFIXATIONS (interests but not the special ones):

- Little Nightmares

- Hello, Neighbor (unfortunately)

- Petscop

- Portal

- Freemanverse (HELP ME)

- The Amazing Digital Circus

- The Owl House

- Gravity Falls

- Monster High (very first from what I can remember! I remember nothing though! But it's there!)

- Poppy Playtime

- Half Life

- Wild Kratts (I didn't even know there WAS a fandom until very recently, hi guys)

theres more but my brain is an egg :/

When it comes to ✨me,✨ I have a couple of original works as well! Specifically, Follychromatic! I won't get too into it here (bc shy) but it's 2D animation, rubberhose animation, magic, character-driven, action/adventure, mystery- yeah!

Outside of fandom, though, my special interests are biology, 2D animation, and writing. I am an animator and I suffer for fun.

YOU MADE IT! Have some Checkers and Chess pictures for your time! :)

[littleplantfreak]

Mariiii !! ( ´ ▽ ` ).｡ｏ♡ Hi hi love!!

I just saw your rb of the self ship trope. I need to hear your meet cute with Ume!! Esp with that tag I need to know ♡︎ only ofc if you feel comfy sharing!!

Okay ilysm and you’re so talented and I hope you’re having an amazing day bye!! 🏃🏻‍♀️💨💨✨💖

it seems im being spoiled today o(｀ω´ )o hugs and kisses for both of you!!!!

Sam ily too and you better be having an even more amazing day wtf >:T

Em you tell me about your meet cute with ume 🔫 or else im calling the police

It’s under the cut as per usual since I don’t wanna bother anyone too much with it 😘

First thing’s first, I can and will have beef with anyone given the opportunity. It’s not that i’m particularly hateful or anything im just weird sometimes?

A slight detour to elementary school me. I’ve always been decent at art so I’d get told how good I am by the teachers and stuff and i was just a smug little bastard. But there was a girl who always got her stuff put up on the hallway walls because it was so good. So in jealousy, I committed her name to memory and every time i saw it I’d be like 😡 i cannot stand this girl. I didn’t tell anyone about this one sided beef and i didn't try and look for her or anything but then fast forward 4 years to like… 8th grade. I’m in high school because we don't have a middle school and i think about my best friend’s name (who i’ve known for a year at this point) and what the fuck did i realize? She was that bitch i hated in elementary school. It took me a year to realize I had years old beef with my best friend 🤦‍♀️

Anyways I feel like it’d be something similar to that lmfao. I’d go to my local greenhouse to pick up a specific type of seed only to find they’re bought out and the culprit is none other than some dude named Umemiya so now I've got beef with this guy because WHO buys all the Mr.Stripey tomato seeds??? The baby spinach too?? C'mon. Again no one but me knows about this beef, and one day i'm at the greenhouse again, talking to the sweet white haired guy who lets me just yap at him for an hour every time we see each other, whose arms I gush over to my friends and what happens? The owner calls him over and uses the name Umemiya. Flabbers seriously ghasted. I'm like "Sorry I never actually asked your name!" and when he confirms it I'm like

I absolutely can't hate this guy at this point because he's him and I don't tell him about any of that until we've been together for at least a year. Totally out of nowhere too, I'll be making us food at my place and just say "Y'know I used to hate you because you took all the tomato seeds? Yeah if I hadn't talked to you beforehand we would've exchanged blows but I love you now so don't worry about it.

[diapereddarling]

Hello! It's me, from your notifications! Do you have a summary of your story anywhere? I went through a few character tags, but didn't find one. Also, I love that Damian is disabled but still gets to dress up all fancy. I didn't realize how rare it is to see that.

Hihi :D! I don't really have a story summary yet as a lot is still in planning and it's very wip BUT I can give you some links in semi chronological order of what I have got and also gush about it here!

aaa I'm so glad you like Dorian and how I present him >u< full disclaimer, I myself am a physically abled person. I'm trying my best to write and present him as respectfully as I can with a lot of research and opinions of friends in similar states of disability- but I may be ham fisted or get things wrong, so to anyone who reads this, please let me know if I fuck up somewhere. I'd rather be told I did something wrong or presented something disrespectfully than have people be uncomfortable in silence about it. DISCLAIMER OUT OF THE WAY- Yeah I noticed like, a lot of disabled characters ( be it physical or mental ) don't really get presented as if they like dressing up or looking nice- particularly after trying to look up more disability friendly ways Dorian would probably use. It Sucks lol. At least from the people with mental disabilities side of it where I sit, I can say that ain't true of everyone at all. It's just harder.

ANYWAYS, SUMARY OF POSTS AND STORY RAMBLING

So you can find some character reference stuff from this post here with picrew images- they were mainly so I could get a general idea of the main cast without physically having to draw them quickly

The story so far

The first post chronologically would be this one, as it talks about what happened to Dorian specifically. A bit about his home life, his parents, his neighbour and how he was released from said situation. I'm currently working on figuring out what the antagonist of this section's ties were to which god- but my main goal was to make it feel realistic at first before involving mythos with it. CW: : Stalking, kidnapping, delusions (involving pseudo incest thoughts ), (spinal) injury

After the incident, Dorian was hospital bound for a While. He'd been given a spinal injury, he was severely traumatised and could not be trusted to look after himself after all that yet because he was 6 months into being 18 when Mayline's life time of stalking came to a head. Even with rehabilitation efforts alone, the stint in hospital would've been a long one but then there was also the mental hurdles too. You can read some of that experience here. CW: medical setting, reactions to trauma, involuntary wetting and messing mention, a character being forcibly restrained in a non sexual way and trying to come to terms with mobility loss.

So while he was trying to adjust to his new normal there were a lot of things he would try to do to feel as if his life hadn't drastically changed ( it had, it's unfair that it happened but it is fine that it is now his life. Period of adjustment and all. ) He waited until Mayline's trail had been dealt with to carry on with education because, well. He's scared of her. He wants to know what's going to happen with her before he tried anything. During that time he read a lot, basically exposure therapying himself to the dark stories and stuff he enjoyed before because he didn't want to lose something that he felt made up so much of his identity. It almost definitely wasn't healthy but that is how he dealt with it.

After about a year or two, he decided he wanted to give further education a try. Since he was a kid he wanted to be a baker- he knew at least at the moment it was a pipe dream, mostly because of the various conditions that he has making said environment pretty dangerous. But he wanted to try.

While doing his culinary course, he met Leia. They didn't initially interact that much- very different aesthetics and very different circles. But Leia's a very intense and bubbly lass- so when she saw Dorian reading a book that she'd also wanted to read; there was basically no hesitation in her running up to him to chatter about the book. They became fast friends after that. Becoming friends with Leia helped him a lot in all honesty- Dorian was kind of Terrified of women after the incident ( and felt awful for it ) especially if they shared features with Mayline ( Blonde hair, blue eyes ect ), so Leia being both a woman and having blonde hair helped bring him out of it some what.

Dorian met Steven during the middle of his second year. It was when he decided to get his first tattoo ( the one on his thigh ) and Steven was apprenticing as a tattoo artist at the time. It's kind of difficult to not talk at least a little while going through the pretty long process of being tattooed and they ended up just getting along really well and meshing super well so just continued to meet up when they could because they enjoyed each others company.

Dorian also met Stevens current partner at the time, Charlie. They were all pretty friendly with each other though romantically, Charlie and Steven only lasted about 8 months. They broke it off mutually agreeing they'd be better friends and actually did become much closer as a platonic bestfriends rather than romantic partners. Charlies cool, he helped Dorian solder spikes to the rims of the wheels on his wheelchair to force people to stop trying to get to close lmao. It was his idea.

After university Dorian realised there was no way he could safely hold down a job. The mobility issues were too much to handle in a commercial kitchen setting even without the stress induced narcolepsy. It messed with him for quite a bit.

He lived on the internet for a bit, being fond of niche gothic forums and very surprisingly, still taking interest in true crime. It might've been an interest before his kidnapping but now he just wants to try to understand what the hell was going on in Mayline's head. He met Maxine on one of these forums, they talked about gothic lit for quite a bit before exchanging socials and forming a friendship off that.

During this time Dorian and Steven also started dating- and after about a year and a half, moved in together. They have a lower floor apartment together and one day hope to get a house together. Dorian also got his two kitties, Carmilla and Poe!

While living together Steven suggested to Dorian the idea of videoing himself baking or streaming it. It was kinda him recognising Dorian was trying to get over the hurdle of not being able to do what he wanted since he was a kid but also not wanting to give up completely. It isn't perfect but it works and Dorian finds a lot of fulfilment in it. He doesn't show his face ever, understandably, so he does his best to remain more or less anonymous on the internet with these things :3

All of these characters have been touched by at least one of the gods in in some way in this universe btw. I am figuring out the semantics but ye! That's what I've got so far c:

[saryasy]

Greetings! You’ve answered questions as a writer, so it’s now time to answer questions as a reader >:] (Feel free to only answer a few or none :])

1) What’s your favorite fanfic trope to read?

2) Multi chapter fanfics or oneshots?

3) Read a no dialogue story or only dialogue story?

4) What’s a thing that makes you happy when you see it in a fanfic?

5) Who’s your favorite author?

6) Recommend a fanfic! :D

7) Gush about a fanfic you read recently, if you want. Be free, lmao.

Okay byee I love your fanfics and gifs :))

hey anon!

omg thank you so much for the asks and lovely words 😭😭💖💖

okay here we go!

1) too many to count honestly. but fake dating is up up there. me and that tag are quite well acquainted at this point. I also really love childhood friends to lovers. something about the knowing each other through the good and bad, the "should we risk this beautiful friendship for something that not work" it's about the pining you see, the pining!!

2) I'm really not picky there! but if it's a longish story ~20k and more I'd probably prefer it to be multi chaptered. then again I know how tricky multi chapters can be so honestly, whatever works

3) no dialogue story for sure, I love the introspectiveness of it all. though I'm not totally opposed to an only dialogue story. it can be fun (though not a long one it can get old rather quickly)

4) yk I can't think of anything specific. lots of things make me happy in fanfic. and their absence isn't a big deal either

5) I have too many to count but I'll definitely take this opportunity to shout out some of my sambucky faves: bisamwilson, dharmainitiative, glittercake, livingincolors

6) rough surfaces by my dear friend @livingincolorsagain is a wonderful wonderful sambucky story that takes place right after their break up. it's a second chance romance sure, but it also takes a really great look at anxiety and Sam's internal struggles and mental health issues. and just, the love you thought would never die? was too strong and was going to survive whatever life threw at you? and the hopelessness of watching it die and wither, helpless to do anything about it. I really love her writing and how she writes all those characters with care and deep love. I can be found screaming about that story at any given moment btw

7) I have been reading some post-s1 good omens fic recently (still can't get myself to read post s2. the wound is too raw) and came across this very lovely story (Slow) in which Adam resets reality and makes a teany tiny assumptions about Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship status. I really loved how it was structured, idk what it's called but that sort of repeating the same sentence structure and offering a new piece of information, idk if that makes sense but yeah I love it. also it was really beautifully written, I love those pining fools

well that's it! again thank you so much nonnie for the lovely ask <33

[rollercoasterwords]

Regarding recommendations of your fic, are you more comfortable with people not ‘advertising’ it on tiktok and such? I know that the comments people make on there can be pretty intense. My point of asking this is, where is the line for you about how much you want your fic talked about outside of tumblr? I think we’ve all seen it before, fics blowing up online is a double edged sword, so I understand you wanting to keep in ‘contained’. I just love to gush about my current favorite reads, but I also don’t want to cause you any trouble.

okay i feel like this answer is gonna get long lol but. yeah generally speaking tldr is i'm not really comfortable w people posting abt my hp fics on tiktok anymore

and like. i don't wanna come off as like...ungrateful ig. like it does make me happy when people like my fics enough to recommend them + i appreciate the kind words + love etc but!! honestly if someone is wanting to let me know that they appreciate my writing the best way to do so is by commenting or sending me a message here, bc im not gonna see any tiktoks unless i go searching for them. and while i appreciate people reccing my fics i also like. have no desire for any sort of 'advertising' like i appreciate recs to the extent that they're someone telling me 'hey i loved ur writing!' i don't like. have a desire to grow an 'audience' or whatever so! that is not something i am asking anybody to help me do and if someone does decide to try and make my fics more popular i'm not really gonna be grateful bc like...i didn't ask for that lol.

and the two big reasons i'm specifically wary about tiktok are:

1. every time i have seen a fic go viral/gain popularity on tiktok there has been a simultaneous influx of hate, entitlement, and just general fuckery that has made the fic writer's life worse. so in this case, specifically with atwmd, i am 100% sure that if it did gain popularity via tiktok that i would get an influx of hate, especially bc it's like. a complex story with very fucked up characters lol. i mean just look at the people who take up arms bc atyd wolfstar is 'toxic' or whatever...i do not want 2 see what would happen if that crowd read my wolfstar in atwmd lmao

2. i have very mixed feelings abt writing hp fic in the first place and am trying to limit my personal contribution to hp's popularity. like. with ao3 people aren't going to be stumbling across hp fic unless they're already seeking it out; tumblr is, for the most part, a similar type of self-curated space where my hp fic pretty much remains limited to what are already hp-fic reading circles.

but bc of tiktok's algorithm, my fic could end up on the fyp's of people who aren't really interested in hp and pique their interest, drawing in new people to start engaging w hp fandom who otherwise wouldn't. and i don't really like the idea of that happening! i don't want the fic i'm writing to contribute to like. growing hp's popularity. i'd rather keep it in circles of people who are already choosing to engage w this content, rather than have it float into the lives of people who might otherwise not see it.

i also feel like. on ao3 anyone finding the fic is gonna be someone searching for like. those specific tags--someone who wants to read a story like the one i'm writing. on tumblr, the only people really hearing abt it r people who follow me + so have like....seen me talking abt the fic + are basically knowing what to expect. on tiktok, any posts tagged like #marauders or whatever could end up crossing paths w a bunch of people who specifically would not read this type of fic, and i do not want those people to read it and then get upset with me when the story isn't what they wanted (something else that i have seen happen to other writers). so that's kinda what i mean by the 'breaking containment' thing

anyway. i don't have any issue w people reccing my fics to like their friends or closed discord servers or whatever--spaces where like. u know the people ur reccing it to are people who would like the fic + not treat it like a product for consumption etc. and as stated previously i appreciate those sorts of recommendations bc it does mean a lot 2 me when someone likes my writing enough to want 2 share it!! there are just specific pitfalls w tiktok that i have grown uncomfortable w to the point that now anytime someone mentions seeing my fic over there and i go search up the vid, even if it's super sweet and has like lovely comments that make me smile and literally nothing negative i still get a kick of anxiety at the thought of who might see this video or what might happen if it goes viral.

i've accepted at this point that i can't control how people are going to respond to my writing once i've posted it on the internet; all i can do is say 'please don't do x with my fics' and hope people listen. but i'm not gonna like get mad at people for posting on tiktok or whatever bc obviously not everyone is gonna see this post or read my faq, and i don't want to send any hate towards people who are posting tiktoks abt my fics--like i don't need anyone defending me or whatever. usually those vids are just out of sight out of mind 4 me. but!! since u have taken the time 2 kindly ask (ty btw) this is like. the very long answer abt where i currently stand on tiktok lol

[handicappedbuenchico]

Five Characters, Five Tags

Andy Barclay (Child's Play series)

The original Child's Play from 1988 was my first horror movie that I watched as a wee child at 8 years old. It was my introduction to the 80's slasher genre, and bred my love for old school horror movies. This very blog wouldn't exist without me seeing this movie, in fact. Enough gushing about the original movie though, you came to hear about why Andy Barclay is here. I immediately loved Andy Barclay because Andy was like ME at that age. He played with dolls, he was the pinnacle of childhood innocence and wonder, he lived in a big city and had a mother who was struggling to make ends meet WHILE STILL TRYING HER BEST TO MAKE HIM HAPPY FOR HIS BIRTHDAY!! Hell I even looked like Andy at that age, except I'm a girl and I was chubbier. Nowadays I just feel so fucking bad for Andy. It genuinely pained me to witness just how paranoid and (admittedly) obsessed he had become, how much of his normalcy and innocence he lost, despite knowing it was all Chucky's doing. Now I just wanna wrap Andy up in a blanket and make him feel safe from that possessed hunk of plastic. I think it's safe to say that Andy Barclay will always have a place in my heart, no matter what. Andy can be my friend to the end, Hidey Ho!

2. Carlos Rodriguez (Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare)

Now, what can I say about Carlos that I haven't said already? I don't really think there truly is anything new I can add, so I guess I'm gonna be redundant! Carlos has been a big comfort character for me ever since I was in late elementary school. Yes I'm aware I said I first watched Freddy's Dead in middle school, but my sense of time is clearly non-existent because I first watched it in the 6th grade, however I did rewatch Freddy's dead for the second time in middle school. That's probably what my brain has been remembering all this time. I also used to look up every little bit of info on Carlos I could on my grandma's old dinosaur computer, like I'm talking the ones that were big and clunky and had their own separate computer towers, and on DIAL-UP INTERNET. I guess you could say I was THAT hyper-fixated on Freddy's Dead content. Another fun fact, I used to think that Carlos was so fashionable lmao. Like, I wanted to have Carlos's wardrobe because I thought that having a hoodie under a jean jacket on top of a black muscle shirt was peak fashion. He's also the reason I wanted to own only Converse for the longest time.

3. Spencer Lewis (Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare)

(Small Disclaimer: I'm gonna be using he/him pronouns for Spencer here because he is canonically a cis male. Also, I will only be referencing my Spencer's got ADHD headcanon for him here because it is relevant). Oh Spencer. Spencer, Spencer, Spencer. Where do I even begin with you? Well, let me first establish that, like Carlos, Spencer has also been a character that my brain refuses to let go of since late elementary - early middle school. Spencer didn't really join my comfort character roster until I was well into high school, however. See, what made Spencer join that camp was the fact that I could see my younger siblings in him, who both have ADHD. My younger brother specifically also has a hyper-fixation on video games and is an actual string bean, so he has also been my main point of reference on how I portray Spencer's ADHD, with my sister's former knack of not taking shit from bullshit authority figures leaking into the portrayal too. Did I also mention that Spencer and I both have fathers that were borderline absent/meddle in our lives when they by all accounts had no right to due to how they basically abandoned us in all the ways that counted? Yeah that's a thing too. I think Spencer has transcended the label of comfort character, and has made a home in the trauma dump character category. Holy shit Spencer I am so sorry babes.

4. Crybaby (Melanie Martinez)

Crybaby as a character was someone I could relate to on an emotional level. I was saying for many years that my dysfunctional family almost fit Dollhouse to A FUCKING TEE! I also related the song Crybaby because I too was a very emotional little girl who got made fun and taken advantage of for it. I related to all of Crybaby's failed attempts at love in songs such as Carousel, Soap, and Training Wheels. Out of all my muses, Crybaby is the most like me because I already related to her long before I would even take her up as a muse. If Spencer was my trauma dump character, then Crybaby was my trauma incarnate. She also became my sense of empowerment, because she owned her emotions and empathy, and didn't let those who refused to understand her suppress her.

5. Major Theodore "Ted" Lockwood (Creepshow 2019 Shudder series)

Finally, we have Major Theodore Lockwood, or Ted as he's mostly referred to in The Right Snuff. Ted is, at least in terms of the other characters listed here, a very recent edition to my comfort character list. Also yes, I literally mean he's a comfort character. When I was recently super stressed out over RL things I had no control over, I just popped in Creepshow season two in my DVD player and put The Right Snuff on, just to see Ted's smiling face. I felt better almost instantly. Sometimes, when it's just me alone with my thoughts, Ted's voice just pops into my head to tell me that it's okay. That my stress and my responses to it are valid and make me human... Ted is easily my emotional support fictional character. Beyond all of that stuff, Ted Lockwood is also just my autistic experiences and traits incarnate. We're both nice to everyone, including people who probably don't deserve it. He and I both miss social cues a lot, and we can't read a room sometimes to save our damn lives (quite literally in Ted's case). We both have our own special interests, his is are centered in the sciences and mine is are centered around the arts. He and I both also have a heightened sense of empathy, like Ted could immediately tell that Alex was miffed about not being the one to meet the Gorangi, despite Alex's best attempts to hide his envy and disappointment. I tend to absorb others' emotions like a damn sponge, much to my annoyance. We both also have this strange inability to truly express anger, like neither of us really shout or get angry looks on our faces. We both just raise our voices a little and overenunciate words to get our point across. I know that it can be seen as tacky, and in certain cases disrespectful, to armchair diagnose a fictional character with a mental/physical disorder or illness, especially if said character is technically not human. However, I'm not just some neurotypical person doing it in order to dehumanize an entire group of people, I am an autistic woman who truly saw herself and her autistic traits in a fictional character that brings her legitimate comfort. It may not be officially canon, but it's canon to me and my interpretation of Ted. Plus, up until the ending, you don't really know that [SPOILER ALERT: Ted's a member of the Gorangi, the alien race he was supposed to make contact with.]

Tagged by: @trashcollected

Tagging: @depictedmorada

@kurtzbergsiblings

@scribedhorror

@popularmxnster

@depictedblue

[writingmochi]

lissie: eyyo? EYYO?! :0 :0

no worries about that because i still have things on schedule with all the wips i'm interested in finishing first (do check the newly updated wip page). chromaquest is such a darling to me because i love the world of undertale/deltarune so much. definitely a "power of friendship" moment with that one.

yeah, i definitely did notice that but with the abundance of a.i. and many similar-ish formats going on, it sometimes limits writers from their fullest potential. my friend specifically noted that their plagiariser has a different writing style in their other fics than the one that is plagiarised so i can definitely understand. i also have a pretty unique writing style that adapts to what the story wants (fixed pov or fluid pov, analogies and numerous chekov's guns, etc) that makes me unique (let's just hope that the plagiariser doesn't repost the plagiarized fic unless changes are made and stated)

i've also gotten back into reading recently and getting locked in is HARD. it's the reason why i like to elongate prose so that it helps the reader getting immersed. also, specific descriptions of anatomical and appearance features (length of hair, color of skin, etc) are a turn off for me that couldn't make me gush as much as i hope for the fic review itself. it's the reason why my mcs are all ambiguous when it comes to appearance, other than fashion even if most of the settings i set the stories in are korea or asia-adjacent locations unless stated otherwise

me and @/maggstar discussed on her post about the abundance of pwp/rough smut being featured in most enhypen fics and how it practically alienates a bunch of people who don't enjoy it and prefer softer smut/love making with a reason why the characters do what they do. usage of tags is also discussed in how writers use the smut tag when their fic doesn't have smut. it's the reason why i have such a small list of tags i used + too many tags = post glitches and not showing up on explore, especially when you write long fics

one look give 'em whiplash big drop with a big flash

can't wait to play mouthwashing then (maybe i will stream it to my discord friends cause i don't like playing horror games by myself) omg NOT LADS. i don't wanna invest my sanity and money in lads istg a bunch of my irl friends play lads and i, as a former mystic messenger girly, already know what to expect. ik sylus is handsome as fuck (two of my friends are obssesed with them and i do see him as more of an astarion type instead of wyll-karlach) but i fear if i play lads, i might not write lol and i could probably call myself a hypocrite because i've been reducing my smartphone usage since in 2021 + i still have mystic messenger to replay. i don't wanna go near lads for my own well-being :")

status post are like little thoughts that i wanna write about writing or just groups that i write in general. a kind of post for me to yap actually. don't confuse it with the #ignore the ramble posts that are a bit more controversial (that's where i tag my release reviews and let's just say that i am strict to score my favs release. doesn't mean that i don't enjoy them too thos but they are musicians after all)

Hey Lissie! I read through your lengthy exchanges with @faeyun while scrolling through my feed thinking 'omg what a coincidence, I was just thinking about fandom culture and stuff the day before' and you guys covered up so so much I could barely cover up everything you guys said into one coherent ask but to be honest (and to be straightforward) you've genuinely been my no. 1 aspiration on this app alone for the longest time and no it's not just because we're both orang Indo 😭✋✋✋

It pained me a little seeing how you felt jealous of other writers for writing 'hits' and what not because BABES.

Isobel. Motion Picture. Terra Incognita. Future 'Menari Dengan Bayangan' stories. I only said.

There are so many fics you wrote that I have on my tbr for the longest time which I haven't been getting to because, if you have not noticed, I don't particularly enjoy reading as much as I do writing (subi just admit that you're a slow reader—) but also the fact that... I just think so many of your works are so cool I feel overwhelmed on which to read first 😭😭😭 PLEASE HELP ME GRAHHH

Cuz I started following you when I was a minor (16?17?) So the only fic I COULD read... Was the Niki ramen burping one (WHICH BTW UVE SEEN YOUR REBLOGS IVE SEEN YOUR REBLOGS I EXPLODED AT SKME OF THE LORE YOU DROPPED IMMA GET BACK TO IT IMMA GET BACK) and thought 'okay if the piece contains smut I'll just leave it for me to read when my birthday comes up in the next few months...'

*next few months*

*realizes that just because I'm 18 doesn't mean I magically am comfortable with reading or writing smut* well sh*t.

This is not to say your works are inheritently 100% black out devil's tango, no, I just noticed that they do contain heavier topics in general and... I do want to mentally prepare myself for those things. But also yeah main takeaway is: idk which to read first 🥹 so, i feel like this is long overdue but, could you help reccomend me which one of your works to read first? It doesn't have to be the works I just mentioned, it can be anything else 🫶🫶 I recently added a lil upgrade to my blog where I mentioned some works I enjoy and works that have inspired my writing as a whole (ahem as inspired by someone *cough cough*) so, yeah in conclusion you're cool asf 👍

Yours truly, subabooba 🧋🧋🧋🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

lissie: hiya subibuba! i guess that i didn't expect such a lengthy reply to our convo but i'm also glad to see it anyway...

i'm glad that our convo is insightful enough for you. many opinions and agreements are being uttered through these convo, but i'm sure that it will be insightful cause the people who visited this blog could also know about how i felt about this whole thing and the state of this place as a whole

thank you so so much for that. i mean, i'm probably one of the active indonesians here, especially in txtblr and enhablr, and now there's you too! i'm glad that i could inspire you so much also

i do think being jealous is normal. it means that you want to strive for your best and continue to improve, and one of the ways to improve for me is to be experimental. all the fics you mentioned aren't like the others. isobel with the magical realism, motion picture soundtrack with the slow-burn drama, terra incognita with the cyberpunk sci-fi, menari dengan bayangan with the 24-hour time limit, and i only said with its isekai story. that + all the other additional things i made to immerse myself and readers into the world of the story (terra incognita with the opening sequence and fics with playlists)

thank you for even considering reading my fics. as i mentioned many times before, people are actually afraid of the large word count. but, honestly, big word count helps me actually delve deep into the fics i write. hence why it can be interpreted so much and why, as i have also mentioned too, i like to create discussions. i love how after i released motion picture soundtrack, most of the feedback i have gotten is about the bullying aspect of it all and the discussion surrounding it. it becomes a talking point in a larger conversation outside the realm of kpop fanfiction

i genuinely respect you so much for that because you have so many temptations to read smut here and you don't! very proud! you mentioning it makes me realise that i *do* have written many heavier topics, not just the devil's tango. it's pretty much a reflection of things that i am thinking. but i do have so sfw fics like the rest of menari dengan bayangan will all be sfw, but some have strong themes as well such as for sunoo's and jaeyun's. a few of my wips are also sfw like the tyunkai we are dreamers one i mentioned and all enha maknae line wips, especially chromaquest, cause new deltarune updates are here in june YIPPEE

i see your update about the inspo deck. i can't wait to read what you have written inspired by mouthwashing. i bought the game but haven't played it because i still have to finish baldur's gate 3 (and its nearly 200gb in size so that u can uninstall it to play more games)

i will curate you, user hyukassubi: a personal guideline for the current writingmochi-verse with the starting point from besok mungkin kita sampai !

i will recommend you crossroads next, a jay fic that elaborates on the themes mentioned in besok mungkin kita sampai, but with a bit of slow-burn romance between them. set in years 2 and 3 of high school, and it is very wholesome and still is my self-proclaimed magnum opus. definitely read this while also listening to the playlist.

after that, smirch! it is set in high school, but more on a delinquent style. it is a enha and txt 01-03 liner series where every member has their own part and own mcs. i only have published heeseung and jay and still plotting down taehyun's. i do think this is a very VERY underrated series of mine and i want to go back to writing this so bad ughh

if you want a more challenging story and still sfw, do read ashen next! it is my halloween special beomgyu fic about cinderella and how, maybe, mc might be cinderella? i had a moot of mine live reacting to this fic, and istg it's the funniest thing i have ever read and i can't wait for you to be amazed and shocked by it hehe

if you're ready to have a bit more adult theme to it, try a story of two broken hearts. set in high school about jake and mc fake dating because their crushes dated each other. it has, what i say, non-explicit smut. implications written but not full on descriptive smut. it is actually my first fic ever when i start my blog and i still love it so much. they're unlikely but ugh the angst still hurts me. i'm reminded of the climax of the fic and it still give me chills.

lastly, i will recommend time wave series. probably my most ambitious series cause it has yeonjun and soobin, and with beomgyu, jake, jay, and jungwon spin-offs in the future. it is a 100k+ word count of a series with supernatural and childhood best friends rekindling, with time travel.

then, if you are comfortable enough, you can start reading the heavier ones. i probably start with i only said because of its lighter fantasy high school theme and then troubled pixies, then motion picture soundtrack for heavier high school aus

i sure hope that that is enough of a guideline and thank you so much for this. i had the widest smile on my face whilst i'm writing this :3

yours truly, lissay <3

[tigirl-and-co]

Men are Inherently Bad rhetoric will never get to me because I happen to know @mister-misfit-and-his-internet​ and therefore have PROOF that it’s false

this man is precious and I WILL protect him

[ghosttownwherenoonegoes]

Got room for one more lost sheep? // e.m x gn!reader

All thoughts, actions and feelings expressed verbally by reader as well as in the narrative are mine. Some good ol' self-insert catharsis🥰 I would have done anything to have had an Eddie in high school to help me deal with all the bullying, but I never found one. I feel like I'm still waiting for him in my mid 20s... There's time.💖 (And if I can’t find one, then I’ll keep working on becoming one. I feel like he’d appreciate that.)

TW; talks of VERY specific bullying encounters from the past (my own irl ones from high school; Jason against reader), reader is painfully shy because of said bullying but they grow into it, angst, comfort, anger (Eddie), swearing with dialogue & narrative, slow burn, love confessions, friends to lovers trope (my beloved💖).

As outlined HERE, I just wanted to talk to Eddie for five minutes so here that gush is, fully fleshed out into a fic!

Summary:

"I was always the odd one out. The freak. I had my music and my books to get me through the days but I always looked for someone like you, Eddie. I never found you."

Fingers darted across the table, slipped between your own and squeezed hard.

"I'm here now, sweetheart."

"Yeah," you dashed tears from your eyes with your other hand, "you are."

Word count: 7, 447. (my firstborn😭)

Tagging @hersweetrevenge @seafrost-fangirl @another-day-in-chuckletown @alliecheer007-88 @sabbathsworld and also @eddiebunson & @hawkinshighdropout who both gave me so much advice on Eddie’s character! Without these two, this fic would have been deleted, unfinished, and it never would have seen the light of day! and a biiiiig thank you to @gemstone-roses for reading this over for me when it was almost finished and easing my anxieties about posting!

Eddie Munson had always intrigued you, ever since you first saw him.

He was... beautiful.

You were sat across the room from him in the cafeteria, your nose in a book. Music blared through your headphones but you tried to keep your body still. If you had been at home, you would have allowed your body to move to the music; no rhyme or rhythm, just movement for its own sake as you sank into the music like it was a hot bath for your soul. But you were in a crowded canteen and you were already disliked as it was, for no 'crime' other than being yourself.

For many people, that was enough of an excuse to be a bully.

People so loved to condemn what they didn't comprehend.

You had, years ago, learned to accept that you understood yourself (sometimes, and often with much introspection), even if no one else did or bothered to even try, and that simple yet devastatingly complex truth had to be enough.

It had to be.

As you turned the page, only half reading your latest book, you felt eyes on you. You looked up and around the room, trying not to make it seem like you were looking for someone, before you caught Eddie's gaze. There was a roughness to him, most definitely some kind of edge which made you realise that you never wanted to piss him off, but there was a softness to him, too. The cruelty of the world had eroded his walls, chipping pieces of him away at a time, leaving some tender vulnerabilities which he patched over with a devil-may-care attitude. Most people took him at face value, but you saw yourself in him, and it only made you even more curious about him.

There was more to Eddie than met the eye, and you wanted to know him. You wanted to know him as well as you knew yourself, but you had never even spoken to him.

He lifted his eyebrows as you maintained the glance and you couldn't help the small genuine smile as you saw that you had his attention. Even if it was only for a moment. You weren't sure if he was surprised that you were returning the non-verbal hello or if he was asking a question with those eyebrows, but you raised a hand in a small wave. You felt embarrassed to be waving, but you didn’t want to leave Eddie hanging. So many people ignored him, and you had sworn to yourself long ago that if you were ever lucky enough to get to speak to him, you would take full advantage of any chances you found or forged… whichever came first. This instance, the very first of many, was the latter. The kind smile which you received in response was small, and those eyebrows were definitely surprised now, but Eddie waved back after looking around to make sure that you were waving at him, and not someone walking past. Something in you ached at that, and you felt compelled to finally, after months of being drawn to him, approach Eddie for yourself.

You stood up, removing your headphones, the guitar riff cut off half way through, though it continued to play in your mind, so familiar were you with your favourite songs that you could listen to them with your imagination almost note for note. You let the book close, stuffed it into your bag, dropped your Walkman in with it, and carefully made your way through the circular tables and various groups which spelled trouble for those who didn't fit into one neat little societal ascribed box. People stared at you as you did so, and you had to step over a few feet; people trying to trip you up wasn't anything new, but you weren't in the mood. You had a laser focus on Eddie, who had been nudged by one of the kids he was sitting with as they all watched you approach their table. Eddie only shook his head; it looked like he said, “it’s fine”.

No one ever approached Hellfire at all, let alone willingly, yet you had done so of your own accord.

Your courage left you as Eddie's eyes caught yours for a second time, and you faltered in your steps. Those eyebrows raised again, just slightly, and you thought that perhaps it was encouragement. Or maybe he was curious. Or maybe he was going to be rude to you like everyone else was... you shook that thought off. This was Eddie. You didn't know him that well, not yet, but you knew enough to know that he was gentler than he looked. It was a huge part of the intrigue for you, how someone who looked so intimidating could be so kind.

What sort of life had he known?

You suspected that the answer to that question would be answered by the sands of time, as all mysteries unravel with enough patience and persistence. The tapestry of Eddie Munson was undoubtedly an ethereal one, and you wanted to see it now.

Finally, you reached his table, your fingers wringing the straps of your backpack, slung haphazardly over your shoulder in your haste to do as you wanted – to stop being forced to sit on your own, either at a table or in a bathroom cubicle, and to sit with Eddie and his friends - before you could talk yourself out of it.

“H-h, Eddie. I, uh, I – may I... can I sit – I mean, may I s - “ You sighed, frustrated with yourself, and turned away from Eddie to instead look out of the window. The sun was high and it left a green cast across your vision. It burned but you didn't look away, the stinging of the bright light distracting you from the telltale sting of tears.

Why couldn't you say one fucking sentence?

You didn't need to. Eddie saw you in that moment, and he took pity on you; helped you out a bit. You had extended a very tentative olive branch, and he remembered all too well the soul deep loneliness he had been plagued with before he had cultivated his Hellfire Club. His family.

Right away, so awfully shy (scared, as he would come to discover later on, when your own tapestry began to reveal itself), you were accepted. Befriended. Eddie's heart was an open highway, despite how many more people left than those that stayed. Most people chose to avoid his roads, rather than see things themselves before making a decision. He was used to it, but he wasn’t used to this, and he wanted to make the best of it. On that, you were agreed, though neither of you knew it.

“Gentlemen,” Eddie addressed his friends as he leaned over to grab the chair right in front of you, pushing it back until the edge of the chair pressed against your front. You stepped back and the chair scraped across the polished floor, making you wince. “I think we found another lost sheepie who needs our help. Who needs us.” He waved a hand in a way you read as 'sit down'.

“Y/N.”

Eddie had to strain his ears to hear you mumbling. You were painfully anxious, practically inaudible over the cacophony of the canteen, but you had paid a high price to just come over and he wanted to make it a little easier on you. He nodded and repeated your name to himself, committing it to memory. God, your heart was trying to beat out of your damn chest, pounding a wild tattoo against the cage of your ribs. You eased yourself down slowly, lowering your bag down gently. Wanting to get comfortable but waiting for the punchline.

The jokes you didn't see being set up always hit you the hardest in the aftermath but just this once, please, could something go right for you? Of all the tables in the canteen, you wanted the people sat at this one to be it for you.

You reminded Eddie of a wild animal as he watched you join his little flock, all caution just in case a loud or sudden noise made you bolt. The anxiety was coming off you in waves and he wondered what had caused you to finally come and say hello – this wasn't the first time he had caught you staring from across the room. You were a frequent starer, had been for months, but Eddie had never confronted you about it. Your gaze wasn't... demeaning but rather... Curious, and longing. Yeah, that sounded about right. He hadn't been waiting for you, per se, but he also hadn't been surprised by this turn of events. He thought… no, he knew it was brave of you to do this. Eddie knew a lost sheepie when he saw one, even when he wasn't wearing his Bo Peep. He'd been one his entire life until he'd found a way to become for others what he'd always so desperately craved for himself.

“Why are you here?” The question was blunt, rude, spoken by a dark curly haired teenager. You could barely see his eyes through the mop of curls and you shrunk back into yourself, wincing as you gripped the edges of the stiff plastic chair. Preparing to run.

“Shut it, Wheeler,” Eddie snapped, dark eyes flashed with irritation. “We welcome all lost sheepies here.” He took a deep breath and then smiled at you, his dimples just beginning to crease the apples of his cheeks. “And what brings you to Hellfire, little lamb?” Eddie adopted his Dungeon Master voice and paired it with another grand hand gesture, wanting to make you laugh. You were still so anxious and shy, borderline scared, Eddie thought, and he wanted to ease your way. You had been so courageous already and he wanted to help you. He had done the same for everyone sat at the Hellfire table at one point or another.

It helped that the intrigue you had always felt towards him was mutual. But you didn't know that, not yet.

Eddie had to coax you out of your shell first.

“I...” You took a deep breath, fisting the material of your shirt. You noticed that he had asked you the same question as Wheeler, though it had been worded much nicer and in such a way that you felt like it was okay to ask for what you wanted. Eddie's eyes followed the movement of your hands and he smiled kindly at you, trying to get you to ease up on the nerves. Just a little more. He wondered who had hurt you, for you to be like this over something most others took for granted. “I wanted to... come over and say hi because you're... Hellfire.”

“What? That doesn't even make sense.” Mike scoffed, pushing mashed potatoes around his plate.

Eddie closed his eyes in irritation, willed himself not to snap at the oblivious teen. In time, Mike would learn, as all children must. “It does, Wheeler. Count yourself lucky you never had to find so much bravery just for a hello.”

He looked at you, his eyes full of patience, waiting for you to continue. You weren't done just yet, he could feel it.

“I... you're Hellfire. You always have so much fun over here, I can hear you from across the canteen, and I was over there on my own and I just... I want to sit here with you all and soak up the sun. I – if that's okay, I don't want to be a bother or get in your way or anything.”

Eddie shook his head. “You're absolutely not a bother, sweet thing. There's always room for more.” He caught the implication that you had just called him the sun, warm and safe... A light blush dusted his cheeks but he refused to mention it to you or anyone else.

To stop anyone from noticing his reaction to your genuine, offhanded praise, and to show you that you were welcome, Eddie turned back to the group and carried on mocking the article he was reading aloud; how dangerous the group's beloved fantasy game apparently was. If D&D was that dangerous, then it was the safest danger you would ever know. It was as if you had been there the whole time, and you marvelled at how Eddie was able to make you feel like you fit in with just a few sentences. His vibe was warm, totally against the intimidating edge he put on every moment of the school day. You wanted to know him in private life.

If Eddie was the sun, as you had described, then you wanted to bask in him.

Just like that, you were a member of Hellfire. One lunchtime at his table turned to two, then three, then four, and before you knew it, you could barely remember what it was to have to sit alone in the bathroom eating lunch, or being made to sit in the canteen where people would 'accidentally' knock into you or otherwise pretend like you weren't there. You were a cheap source of entertainment and you loathed it, but in Hellfire, no one came near you.

Eddie had somehow become your protector; a Shepard tending to his flock.

It was everything you had daydreamed about that day you had decided to be brave, just for five minutes.

Usually, when someone approached Eddie, it was for a drug sale or for something less than savoury, and he was always on edge. But with you, Eddie only felt safe. You had never given him cause for concern, in that your words and actions were an act. Your anxiety had lessened over the weeks since you had joined Hellfire (especially since Eddie had given you your own shirt after a week of sitting with the group) but sometimes you retreated back into your shell and didn't come out, no matter how gently Eddie tried to coax you. That was okay, he understood you better than anyone else in Hellfire; much of yourselves were reflected in the other person. Someone had hurt you really bad in the past, they must have done, but Eddie never ever pushed you for anything. No questions asked, no explanations needed. He was content to let everything show itself in time. He knew how to be patient.

Until the day came, several weeks later, when Jason stormed into the canteen. He was shouting something about a pep rally, but his voice flooded you with so much fear that you felt nauseous and you practically threw yourself at Eddie with a noise which made his heart shrivel up in his chest. “No, no, no, no no no no no no no no - “ Your breathing picked up and you shoved your chair as close to Eddie as you possibly could, ducking your face into his back as you pressed your hands underneath his leather jacket, clinging to him. "Please don't let him see me, please please please - "

You weren't even thinking, Eddie registered in the back of his mind. You were hiding in your pure unadulterated fear. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey,” Eddie got out in a rush as he felt you burrow into his back, almost like you were trying to crawl inside his skin, where it was safe; the other Hellfire members looking at what little they could see of you like you had sprouted a third head, “Easy, easy, Y/N, it's okay,” Eddie reached back and rested his hand on whatever part of you was closest (he hoped it was nowhere inappropriate, though he doubted you cared), rubbing his thumb across your clothes. His tenderness with you was at total odds with the way he was glaring at Jason. Finally, the question of who had hurt you so badly in your life was answered, and Eddie had never felt as bloodthirsty with rage in his life as he did in that moment. “I've got you, sweetheart, you're safe, don't let go of me.” His dark eyes followed Jason across the canteen, passed the Hellfire Club (Eddie and Jason exchanged almost identical looks of disgust towards each other, but thankfully, Jason didn't spot you), right up to the door next to the stage as the jock left the room.

When Jason was gone, Eddie patted you, being careful with his hand because he still didn't know what was being touched. “You can come out now, little lamb,” his Dungeon Master voice usually made you giggle, but you only tightened your grip on him for but a moment before you let him go, very reluctantly, leaving Eddie's back cold and haunted by the ghost of your warm embrace. You sat up slowly, your eyes glassy with tears, and swiped your hands quickly across your face.

"Th-thank you. Sorry." You spoke both sentences quickly, as if you couldn't decide which one should be spoken first, though both were equally important for you to say. You took several long deep breaths and Eddie's fingers spidered across his lap as he searched for your hand under the table, giving you a comforting squeeze.

"He hurt you." Eddie stated slowly, his dark eyes so soft and tender that it made you want to cry. You bit down on your inner cheek and wrinkled your nose against the urge. You gave him a nod; it was all you had.

"Uh, what - what was that?" Mike's eyebrows had almost disappeared into his hairline as he and the others had watched you and Eddie interacting. You were too busy staring down at your hand, laced with Eddie's, to notice everyone sharing a look of 'holy shit' and 'what the fuck?' but no one said anything. Everyone was waiting for you and what you would choose to share with them.

"Jason scares me."

"Yeah, no shit," Someone snorted. It might have been Mike; you weren't paying all that much attention.

"He... shut me in a bathroom cubicle when I was in first year. Lured me there by asking me to do something... I think it was grabbing a book he'd forgotten or something. But I got jumped; shoved in a bathroom cubicle, which was then barricaded with... something, the fuck if I know. And they turned out the lights. Jason left me there in the dark, alone, for an entire school day. Only reason I was found was 'cause I didn't come home. My parents lost their freaking minds and ripped the school apart looking for me. And the day after, some girls shoved me into a locker... from there, it never stopped. All I had from then on were my music and my books." You sniffled and Eddie's other hand rubbed your back in fluid, slow motions. Comforting you. Briefly, you wondered if he comforted other friends like this. You appreciated how tactile he was. "Jason was always the instigator. Always. A few months after this, one of his guys asked to be friends with me. I agreed... didn't realise he'd done it as a dare. No one actually wanted to be friends with me... it was all a joke. Someone outside the group told me all about it after a few weeks and they mocked me for believing them, that anyone wanted me around. After that, I never bothered trying to make friends. Just gave up, let it happen 'til I became the freak. Had no one, really. Until... until you." You braved a small smile. "I figured if I made myself as small and as inconsequential as possible, he'd ignore me. And he does... but he scares me." You glanced at Eddie, then. "Sorry I threw myself at you."

It was the most any of them had ever heard you say in one sitting during all the time they had known you, and you felt like a small weight had been let off your chest. Eddie, who had waited patiently for you to reach the end of your tale, was almost shaking in rage. He jumped up and out of his seat, his tongue, as sharp as a blade, locked and loaded. All four guys sat at the table were watching him, their eyes wary; Eddie was gonna fight, he was gonna start something in your name, and he was going to get kicked out again. They had almost had one lunch time without Eddie causing a huge scene; while they enjoyed it when he did, they all knew that the consequences got worse for Eddie for every senior year re-run. Eddie was about to physically fight Jason and while the dude had it coming, did Eddie really have to do it now?

At least, that's what would have happened in any other instance.

Except you flinched.

You flinched away from Eddie, you ripped your hand out of his, when seconds ago you had thrown yourself into him, and Eddie swore under his breath, his fists trembling as he sunk back down in his seat. Nope. He couldn't fight. You flinched. He took several slow, deep, measured breaths, actively calming himself down, and then when he looked at you, there was a tender look in his chocolate eyes. He didn't want you to be scared of him, of what he was capable of. He wanted to comfort you, though his first instinct was to protect you by way of doing unto Jason as was done to you.

Eddie couldn't get your reaction out of his mind's eye and all at once, he was again reminded of the way you had resembled a wild animal that very first day, practically asking Hellfire Club to adopt you as one of their own. You didn't need Eddie to fight for you. You needed him to fight with you. More deep breaths and then Eddie calmed down, down...

"For the record," everyone looked at Eddie, mixed expressions on their faces, "you can always throw yourself at me, sweetheart."

It worked; the tension was defused, chuckles were released with some of that, but the atmosphere around the table was still a tad solemn. And Eddie was now and forevermore on what he would later call Jason Patrol.

Eddie hadn't attacked Jason that day in the canteen, but his protectiveness over you had amplified as he had sworn to himself and to you, that you would never be harmed again.

These were the times over the next few months where Eddie's feelings for you grew, just as yours did for him. You started to see Eddie everywhere; he would be coming from the opposite direction and you'd smile at each other, but then moments later he'd be on the other end of the corridor, slightly out of breath and greeting you like you hadn't just seen him. He was like a lost puppy, trying and failing to not let you catch onto him.

Once or twice, he'd come up to you and grab your face, almost smushing your cheeks together. No words would be said but the eye contact would be intimate, Eddie's dark eyes and gentle but firm, hot grip, not letting you turn your face away. There would be some kind of reassurance in his eyes and you would relax, though he wouldn't let you look around. The lengths of time he held you like this varied, but the same signal occurred every time. Dustin would pat Eddie's shoulder - Jason's gone - and the tension would melt out of his body, he'd blink, and in an instant go from serious back to his usual self.

The subject was only broached to you once more, as the school term was ending and Eddie's campaign was reaching a conclusion. Just a throwaway comment but to you, it kick-started your want to make Eddie aware of how grateful you were for and to him.

"Hey, uh, something else for the record," Eddie gestured right at you with a pretzel held like a guitar pick, "I would have noticed you missing, and I would have found you that day, I promise." He shoved the pretzel in his mouth, crunched down on it hard, and once again, his serious melted away as he nodded his goodbyes.

You remained at the table with Dustin and Mike after Eddie left to go secure a deal out by the benches, and slammed your head against the plastic table.

“Why can't I just – fucking – tell – him - “ Every word was punctuated with a bang against the table.

Dustin messily shoved his hand between your forehead and the table. “Holy shit!” He used his hold on your head to push it up so that he could look at you. “Stop doing that. Here, look,” Dustin leaned over with a glance at Mike, who just shrugged. “You gotta tell Eddie. This is the kinda thing he'd want to know.”

“But, Dustin - “ You pushed back against Dustin's hand, making as if to hit your head again, and then leaned fully back until the kid lowered his hand. You shot him a small smile, thank you. “It's Eddie. I can't tell him. What if he doesn't believe me or doesn't want to know what I want to tell him?”

“And... what – what do you want to tell him?” Mike folded his arms over his chest, his dark brows furrowed in confusion as he and Dustin glanced at each other. Dustin had always been the most emotionally mature of the kids in Hellfire, and the relationship he and Eddie had was very familial; Dustin was touchy-feely with Eddie and Eddie was the very same back. No one interacted with Eddie the way Dustin did, and vice versa.

You took a deep breath. “All of it?”

Dustin waved his hand in a movement very much like Eddie. “Lay it on us.”

“Like... what kind of pretzels does he like? Those soft doughy ones which you gotta hold in two hands or those small hard ones he has at lunch? What guitar riffs in which Metallica songs make his heart bleed? Which lyrics made him who he is today? What's his – what's his bedtime routine? Does he have a morning routine? Is he... what Iron Maiden songs does he like? Not like? What about Black Sabbath? What are his favourite songs? Would he choose Ozzy over Black Sabbath if he had to, or the other way around or would he rather die? Is there a fourth option in that ridiculous scenario? I want to know what temperature he likes his food, how he takes his coffee, I want to know what his favourite things about planning campaigns are... how does he get started? How does he know when it's done? What song did he listen to this morning? What was the last one he remembers last night? What tattoo design is his favourite? Which one hurt the most? Why did he put them there on his body and not somewhere else? I want to know Eddie inside out, back to front and all the other ways. Like, if he was the ocean, I'd want to dive in. Get lost in him, you know?”

“Uhh... You get really talkative when it involves Eddie.” You weren't sure if Mike ever didn't have his eyebrows raised and you shrugged, flowers blooming inside your chest as warmth spread through you. You smiled, felt your face getting hot, and felt yourself becoming shy as you looked out of the window towards the forest. You couldn't deny it, not just to yourself but to anyone who bothered to learn, but how could you ever bring yourself to tell Eddie? It would probably ruin everything the two of you had together, and you would rather have Eddie as your best friend than you would not have him at all, all because you couldn't keep your feelings to yourself. You had done so well to get this far, you didn't want to jeopardise it. You ignored the part of you which wondered if Eddie felt the same way. That wasn't a road you wanted to even think about going down. Not now, and if your fear got your way, maybe not ever.

“Holy shit,” Dustin breathed, “You love Eddie. Like, a lot. That's it, Y/N, you need to tell him. Eddie will want to know. He won't care how you tell him, just that you do.” Dustin waved his hand, as if to consider the deal done.

You were going to have to confess to Eddie. The thought terrified you, excited you, made you feel like you shouldn't have stolen some of Eddie's pretzels as your stomach churned. “But, Dustin - “

“No! Y/N, you don't know Eddie like I do. You gotta tell him. Eddie's always had it rough but this? This will be...” Dustin shook his head, “Why didn't I see this before? He would be upset if you didn't tell him. Pretty sure he feels the same way.”

“Wh-what?”

Mike shrugged, his dark eyes amused. “Don't see him holding anyone else's hand under the table, do you?”

Dustin giggled, and you were almost mystified.

The topic was dropped as the lunch bell rang to signal that classes were resuming, and you thought that that was it.

You should have known that Dustin wasn't the type of person to let things go. He wanted Eddie to know that he was loved, so much, by you, the one who had risked it all in the name of wanting a new friend. You and Eddie had always been drawn to each other, and Dustin wondered what Eddie would give him as a favour once he got together with you. Dustin would be owed big time for this. Dustin wanted Eddie to be happy and he wanted you to be happy, and so he got to scheming.

The next day, Dustin filled Mike in on his plans.

“Dude, who cares? Let them work it out thems - “

Dustin sighed, shaking his head at Mike's nonchalance. “Really? Do you really think Y/N's gonna tell Eddie anything? They're still so shy but they really get going when it involves Eddie. Just – follow my lead, all right? I'll get Eddie in the room, you get Y/N talking. Eddie will take the opening given to him – you know what he's like. He just needs a single word from Y/N and he'll take the lead.” Dustin saw that Mike was still sceptical, and he threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. “Look, just start talking. Ask Y/N about Eddie, boom, they'll do everything they need to and not even know about it. It'll come out easier and then they can quit pining over each other.”

Mike wasn't happy about going along with the plan, but if he didn't do it, then someone else would. And it was free entertainment, so what the hell?

The time until lunch for the boys dragged but then the bell rang and Dustin's plan was set into motion as he raced to Eddie's class - Mrs O'Donnell's. The two walked to the canteen together, exchanging pleasantries or a comfortable silence, before Dustin stopped Eddie at the door.

"How do you feel about Y/N?"

Eddie blinked in surprise once, twice, and his response came out in one long breath. He'd held onto his truth for too long. "I am... So totally into them, man, it's not even funny."

"It's just, Mike and I were talking to 'em and there's something they wanna tell you but they're shy about it so we were gonna - " Dustin made a vague gesture with his hands.

Eddie listened as Dustin filled him in. Intrigued, cautious, but willing to listen. "All right, man. I'll... Yeah." What else could he say to something so cryptic?

Dustin shot Mike a thumbs up from across the room and the darker haired teen rolled his eyes, dumped his backpack on the floor as he made his way over to the lunch line. Eddie and Dustin followed, making sure to stand within earshot but outside of your immediate line of sight.

Eddie only needed to hear you.

"So, uh," Mike caught Dustin's eyes over your shoulder, "do you... Wanna practice telling Eddie with me?"

You shook your head. "No, it's... I can't tell him. I won't."

Mike frowned. "Why?"

You smiled. "He's Eddie." It sounded like everything and nothing all at once, but it was the best explanation you had.

"Yeah, but," Mike poked around at his food. How did someone manage to burn sweetcorn? "You had so much to say yesterday. Tell me again what you wanna know? Maybe I can help you out. I've known him longer than you have."

Eddie had a look of concentration on his face, his dark eyes glued to your back. Dustin hid his smile behind a crooked knuckle, teeth gnawing at his skin. Come on, Y/N... Be brave for another five minutes. Eddie needs this and you do too.

You sighed. Everyone involved heard the wistful undertone. "I just - " You sighed again, frustrated that you couldn't just say it, but then it all flooded out of you, "I just want Eddie to know I love him. And - and if he was an ocean, then I'd want to dive in and get lost. I want to know, like, does he like doughy pretzels or the small crunchy ones? Which Black Sabbath songs are his favourite and does he prefer Ozzy as a solo artist or with Sabbath? How does he do his hair? How did he fix that chain to his jacket? What patches does he prefer - ones you sew, iron or glue? What's his favourite thing about being a Dungeon Master? Does he have a thing he doesn't like about D&D and if so, how does he work around it? Or does he do it anyway for the love of the whole? I just... I want to know Eddie so I can love him properly, the way I already do but in such a way that he can't possibly question it because it's right in front of him. But I couldn't tell him... it'd ruin everything. And it'd put pressure on him to say something back and then it could go wrong and I'd... just rather love from afar than try close up and get burned, you know? Eddie burns so hot. I said it to him when we met but... he's like the sun. He makes me feel warm, safe... he makes me feel like myself. I love him so much, Mike, I - "

Eddie couldn't take it anymore.

He stepped out from where he was hiding with the biggest, goofiest smile on his face, the apples of his cheeks heavily creased. The blush on his face was very obvious, and he tugged a thick lock of his dark hair over his mouth, hiding even as he said, "So, uh... do you - do you really mean that, Y/N?"

Mike may as well have thrown ice cold water all over you.

You froze, a deer in headlights. Still, you found it within you to nod. What would be the point of lying? Immediately, Dustin's plan became clear to you, and though you were grateful to him for doing what you had not the courage to do, you were scared. Of Eddie. Of what he would - or wouldn't - say, as the case may be. You felt sick, shot Dustin a look of 'what the fuck do I do?'

Once again, he had your back.

Dustin cleared his throat. "Take Y/N to the benches, Eddie. You can... talk." A tight smile, a sarcastic comment held back. He wanted to tease the two of you, but he remembered how he and Suzie had been initially, and so he refrained. This wasn't the time or the place. He could get Eddie for it later. But for right now... talking.

Eddie gave Dustin a look of brotherly pride. Fuck, he loved that little shrimp. Didn't know why all of the time, but Dustin shined in moments which required emotional maturity and intelligence. Mike could learn a lot from Dustin. He needed to. "Yeah, dude," Eddie nodded, shouldered his bag. His other hand reached out for yours, gave you a comforting squeeze. His fingers laced in yours was so familiar a sensation, physically and emotionally, that it relaxed you even in this situation. The effect he had on you was insurmountable.

And now he knew.

Shit, shit, shit.

"C'mon, sweetheart, let's go somewhere where it's just us. We'll be safe there."

You would follow Eddie anywhere, so with cheeks burning, eyes on the floor, you did as he directed. You felt safety in the way Eddie was taking the lead, in the way this situation had been orchestrated. You had wanted to tell him so badly but you hadn't had it in you, so your friends had helped you yet again. Already, you were devising ways in which you could thank them.

In forever but also no time at all, Eddie had you at the bench where he did his deals; you sat, knees bouncing and looking everywhere but Eddie, and he let his hand slip out of yours. You flexed your fingers, palm cold, empty, and you took your own hand. The feeling wasn't anything near what it felt like to hold Eddie's hand, but it was good enough a method to ground you. Keep you brave.

"Y/N, hey," Eddie's voice was soft, almost a hush, as if he was afraid to disturb the moment, to disturb you. "Look at me, please? You don't, uh - you don't have to speak. Just look."

You dared - you dared - to do as Eddie asked, and the breath left you all at once. Fuck, you had never seen his eyes so dark, so intense. He was looking into you and he laid his hands on the bench, palms up, fingers rubbing against themselves. You copied him and Eddie smiled as he read you like a book, once more locking your fingers with his own and squeezing in comfort, reassurance.

"So, I, uh - " Eddie chuckled awkwardly, looked away and into the trees, "How - how much of that did you mean?" The fact that he was asking you the same question twice in two different ways spoke of the real untold truths about his self-opinion and worth. It made your heart ache and then it was your turn to squeeze his hand in comfort.

"All of it." Fuck it, you were diving in headfirst. The first step was always the worst, the scariest, and you were over that hurdle now. Dustin had practically shoved you across the obstacle and left you to find your footing, but Eddie had been there on the other side, hand outstretched, ready to meet you halfway. Where he found you.

Silence fell, you and Eddie toying with each other's fingers and exchanging small awkward smiles.

Suddenly, Eddie flung himself backwards off the bench, making you gasp and jump up, an incredulous laugh on your lips at the awkward, endearing way he sat himself up, golden leaves all in his hair and dirt across his shirt. He dusted himself down, smirking; a way to lighten the mood, defuse the tension. He was so good at getting you to relax, at getting you to listen to yourself, and he didn't have to do anything other than to be himself... and wasn't that what you had always been drawn to, what you had always loved about him?

"I like smaller pretzels, for the record. Uhh, can't choose between Ozzy solo and Sabbath, I'd rather cut my hair to a buzzcut again instead of choosing between them and you know I love my hair," Eddie was pacing, listing off things he could remember from your speech in the canteen, "my routines for the morning and night are that there are no routines, I wing it. Just like I'm doing now." A beat and then, "what song were you listening to that day in the canteen, when you came over to Hellfire?"

You didn't have to think about it, your chest tight as you finally got some answers to your burning questions. But the more curiosity Eddie sated, the more you had, and you wanted to just get inside Eddie's mind, to become one with him so every part of him was with every part of you, and you could have every truth within him all at the same time. So you'd never be away from him. "Sabbath's War Pigs."

Eddie gave you an appreciative look, surprise etched across his face, and you grinned at each other, both of you finding your normal footing again. He was Eddie and you were Y/N; at your cores, you would always be these people. Best friends and lovers; the ultimate combination.

"Eddie, I... there was something I didn't share that day." You paused, asking for permission to elaborate. Eddie made a show of getting comfortable, resting his chin on his hand and gazing at you. He had all the time in the world for you, with you. He wanted to seize every second. "I was always the odd one out. The freak." Your eyes burned with tears; you didn't fight them. This was all too much and yet, not enough. "I had my music and my books to get me through the days, of all those things you know happened to me, but I always looked for someone like you, Eddie. Someone to protect me, to help me help myself. I'm not so good at that." You smiled sadly. "I never found you."

Fingers darted across the table, slipped between your own and squeezed hard.

"I'm here now, sweetheart."

"Yeah," you dashed tears from your eyes with your other hand, "you are." You couldn't speak anymore. Eddie had taken you to the point where words had run dry and all you could do was feel. "Things are better with you. You're my best friend and I'm so scared you're - "

Eddie tilted his head, eyes sharp. Considering. All at once, he realised he hadn't told you his own feelings and his eyes widened almost comically large as he sought to rectify the situation. "No, I, uh," he chuckled, "I feel the same as you, Y/N." At your look of doubt, he insisted, "no, really. Jesus, the moment I saw you sitting at the table on your own, I knew you were someone special. Did I know how special? No!" He scoffed, "Fuck no! But I knew. That's gotta mean something, Y/N. You're safe here with me, I promise you, and I don't just mean here," he patted the bench for emphasis, "I mean here, too." He leaned over and rested his hand in the air just above where your heart would be; grazing your shirt but not touching you.

Eddie had never needed physical touch to be able to reach your soul.

You both had music in common, and that gave him an olive branch to extend to you. "Listen, I - " he scratched the back of his neck, all bravado gone, "Do you maybe wanna come back to my castle and I'll play some stuff for you? You've never heard me before and I wanna share - " Eddie looked away, the apples of his cheeks giving away the wide grin he was trying to hide from you, " - that stuff with you, so."

You nodded, heat spreading across the inside of your forehead, your stomach swirling, "I'd love to! On one condition." Your smile was building in tandem with Eddie's anticipation, his eyebrows raised in question, "Take me to your next show? I hear Corroded Coffin is the hottest band in town."

Eddie's grin couldn't be contained or restrained; it took over his whole face. You giggled in the face of his happiness and felt it brewing in you, too. The both of you had always been drawn to each other, but neither of you could ever have expected this. In a flash, Eddie was up and out of his seat, around the bench, and throwing his arms around you in a tight bear hug.

"You are something else, Y/N!"

You would have said the same about Eddie, if he hadn't squeezed you so hard that he stole the breath from your lungs.

Oh, well. There was always time.

[pettyvxbes]

Colson Baker x Reader - Ocean Eyes III

This was originally only supposed to be three parts, but I have so many ideas. . . I might be getting a little carried away. If anyone is interested in being included on the tag list for ocean eyes drop me a comment. ❤ Btw, ya'll rock, and I'm so thrilled that you're digging where this story is going as much as I am!!

SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL COFFEE DEALER

Colson had insisted on going to a coffee shop across town, even though there were plenty of great coffee shops near Shaker Square that you two had frequented on your previous Saturday adventures. He initially suggested that you ride with him, but you declined the offer and opted to drive yourself, much to your dismay. You considered making a wrong turn to head back to your sister's house several times as you followed closely behind him but decided against the outlandish idea.

Pulling into the parking lot, you immediately noticed the sizeable pink skull painted on the side of the brick building. It read "Drink. Eat. Work. Meet" arched across the top with "The" on the forehead, a 2 and 7 in separate eye sockets, "club" on the chin, and the most clever part was the nose which was a cup of steaming coffee. The aesthetic was everything, and you quickly understood why Colson had wanted to bring you to this specific coffee shop. It was edgy and artistic, kind of like you, and he knew you would love it.

"This place is fucking awesome." You gushed, taking in the surrounding interior. The walls were painted pink and accented with black. There were skulls in various places throughout the room, and directly in front of you behind a large circular counter were the associates, wearing "Coffee Dealer" tees, waiting patiently to take your order. Capturing every aspect of the shop, you noticed the music playing. It was a synth-pop-R&B beat accompanied by the voice of Chris Brown and Usher.

"You gon' be my baby Love me, love me crazy Tell me you with it Baby, come and get it Maybe try a new thing And let's spark a new flame."

It was one of those songs that stuck in your memory and could take you back to a specific time and place. You looked over at Colson to find him looking back at you, and you were instantly transported to that cold January night eleven years ago, the night you had first met Colson.

The air was crisp, and the night sky was aglow with the bright city lights of Atlanta. You were visiting your best friend for what was left of your winter break at NYU. She couldn't wait to take you out on the town. So naturally, you both ended up at the Gold Room less than five hours after you had touched down in the Empire State of the South.

The Gold Room was fancy. Golden poles were lining a transparent window rail in the main seating area. Each roped-off section donned eccentric gold couches, chandeliers, and splashy tropical lighting, all of which highlighted the significance of those seated there. You happened to find yourself smack dab in the middle of the distinguished crowd, behind the velvet ropes. All thanks to your gorgeous best friend who had been casually seeing one of the Atlanta Hawks.

"Y/n, don't look now, but that guy over there has been staring at you since we walked in." Your best friend screamed into your ear over the loud music.

"Which one?" You questioned, waiting to turn and look.

"The blonde with the tattoos!" She paused, taking a sip of her drink. She could tell you were waiting for a more descriptive answer. "You'll know which one. He's fine as fuck!" She screamed, causing you to chuckle at her bluntness.

You casually turned to the side to look for the mystery guy, and you were quickly met with his blue eyes. You felt your cheeks flush a bit as he maintained eye contact.

You were beautiful in a way that the other girls in the club weren't. You were confident but not cocky, and your attire was modest but still sexy. You didn't need to be accepted by others, which was apparent in how you carried yourself. Your smile was beaming as you looked back at him, and Colson could have sworn it illuminated even the darkest corners of the room. You were authentically you, and the blue-eyed boy was captivated.

Your eye contact was broken by one of the tall basketball players in your section offering you a glass of champagne. You accepted the drink and made small talk for a moment before quietly excusing yourself to the ladies' room. At least that's what you told your friend, but if you were honest, you were actually looking for those blue eyes. You made your way slowly through the horde of people keeping your eye on the VIP section that the tattooed man occupied. You couldn't see him, so you wandered closer until you were stopped by a husky voice.

"Are you looking for something?" You turned, looking up into the blue eyes you had been searching for.

"Not anymore." You smirked. He was taken aback by your forward response, and you could tell by the look across his face that he was speechless. You chuckled at his expression. "I'm sorry."

"I wasn't expecting you to say that, but I was hoping you would" He laughed. "I'm Colson."

"Y/n."

"Y/n, that's beautiful." He smiled at you. You couldn't tell if it was the champagne coursing through you or the fact that he was extremely handsome, but all you could think about was kissing him. The thought was soon pushed to the back of your mind as you began exchanging information about yourselves. Where you were from, what you were doing in Atlanta, your relationship status'. . .the basics. You two eventually found yourselves halfway through a game of 21 questions in a more private area of the club where you could actually hear each other speak.

"If you could have one 'do over' in your life, what would you do differently?" You inquired.

"Ooh, we're going there now?" He chuckled. "That's easy though, I wouldn't do anything over because then I wouldn't be sitting here with you."

“Smooth.” You chuckled at his cheesy answer.

“Yeah? You see what I did there?” He joked "Ok, my turn. . ." He changed the subject, trying to think of a question quickly. "If there was one piece of advice you could give, what would it be?" You thought for a moment before speaking.

"To always appreciate the little things in life."

"The little things?" he questioned, waiting for you to elaborate further.

"Yeah, you know, like early morning sunrises or late sunsets. The ones where you'll see an array of colors in the sky that you wouldn't normally see." You raved. "Or road trips and motorcycle rides, when you have music in your ears and the wind in your hair. Or the days when you're surrounded by your favorite people, the ones who make you realize that the world isn't such a cold, harsh place." You rambled, and he smiled like a fool.

"The little things that make you realize what life is about and what it means to be alive?" He pondered quietly, contemplating what you had said.

"Yes!" You extolled. "Appreciating the little things makes you enjoy where you are, right now, in the present."

"Enjoy where you are right now," He reiterated. "I like that" A comfortable silence settled in for a moment, and you could hear a catchy synth-pop-R&B beat surging through the room. The voices of Chris Brown and Usher were crystal clear.

"Who said you can't find love in a club? 'Cause I wanna tell them they wrong Come on, just baby, try a new thing And let's spark a new flame."

You both let out a little chuckle at the lyrics, and the next thing you knew, his right hand was on the side of your face pulling you into him. The kiss was magic, chaos, and a little bit of poetry. You felt a fire deep in your bones, and he melted every part of you.

"Hey, Colson!" The barista greeted him, pulling you from your memory of the man standing next to you. You hadn't even noticed, but you two were still staring at each other, and you wondered if the same memory had crossed his mind too.

He turned towards the barista as your eyes continued to explore the coffee shop. That's when you saw it—a mural on the wall situated above black leather dome seats. In large pink letters, "Enjoy where you are right now." and it clicked - this was his coffee shop. . .and he still thought about that night, just like you.

Colson glanced back at you, preparing to order, you smiled at him, and yet again, he could have sworn it illuminated even the darkest corners of the room. You were still authentically you, and the blue-eyed boy was still captivated.

II << 💀 >>

TAG LIST @canyoubuymetoast

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

This is totally cool, lol! That's why I tagged you, I like different perspectives 🥰 and I adore lesbian Jenny

I've been thinking a lot about Jenny's character and sexuality lately since I'm in the middle of rewatching the show. I totally agree that she's attracted to women and most times she pursues guys it's mainly to increase social status and not because of genuine interest. Nate always felt different to me, though. Like, the two times she really pursues him is in season 2, when she's being homeschooled and trying to make it as a designer, and the end of season 3, which is after the whole Damien drama and she's just looking for someone who cares about her and respects her (I know you said once that it doesn't even feel romantic here, which I also agree with, poor girl just needs a connection). I do really see how it can be interrupted as comphet, though. Like she feels like she's supposed to be attracted to Nate because who wouldn't be?

I think the reason why I lean the other way is probably just projection. Jenny's been my favourite GG character since I first watched the show when I was 12, partly because I relate a lot to her, and since I'm bisexual... Add that plus the fact that I totally have had a crush on Nate and of course I'm gonna ship them. I've been relating to Jenny even more this time around cause I dropped out of school this year, so her season 2 arc really hit close to me. So this made my jenate feelings come back tenfold and also made me that much madder at Rufus, lol. I just wanted to go through the screen and shake his shoulders like "There are other paths than the one you want your daughter to have, not everyone has to go through life like society expects you to let your daughter carve out her own unconventional path you fucking idiot!" Luckily my parents have been way more supportive.

Mainly I just see Jenny as bi with a strong lean towards women, but I like to think about lesbian Jenny, too. It wouldn't exactly be the first time I had contradicting headcanons.

I don't know I just think it's really cool that different people can have such different interpretations of the same character. I think that's what's so interesting about fiction, to see how we view things differently depending on how we view and relate to things based on our own experiences. Tumblr can be so focused on hating people who disagree with you, but I like following people with different opinions, it helps me understand people better.

Yeah, I'm glad you tagged me!! back in November, some anons were mean to me about shipping Jenate (me??? who literally does not even - anyway) and ever since then I've been trying extra to ensure that Jenate shippers feel welcome on my blog - you may already know this, because I've brought it up before, but I'm saying it here to let you know that every time you tag me in your Jenate edits I get so happy that you're sharing something you're so passionate about with me!! I'm also a big believer of like........ making the content you want to see (a big part of why I even learnt to gif is because nobody was giffing Dan & Nate, and I was like...... that's the content I need, so if it's not already existing, I'm gonna make it happen!) so regardless of my feelings it's always so cool to see the way you conceptualise JN + their feelings re: each other, and your choice of scenes + lyrics (??? I'm not actually familiar with where you got the words for your edits, they're likely songs I haven't heard, haha) is just so interesting & good!

OH my full Jenny & Nate feelings are a lot more complicated than just comphet on Jenny's part. I feel like..... neither of them was romantically/sexually into each other? and that is kind of the appeal to me? I've always interpreted Nate's interest in Jenny during the s2 arc as sort of like - everything in his life is so unstable and undetermined, and here is Jenny who is so clear on who she is and what she wants, and he admires and respects that, and he wants to be there for her and support her, so when she kisses him he just sort of lets her take their dynamic wherever she wants to? that is very much the vibe I got. You already know how I feel about lesbian Jenny, I mean, you quoted my meta right back at me :'))

but I DO agree with you that Nate is different from the other guys to Jenny. JN have this really specific kind of honesty to them - well, when Jenny wasn't spiralling and trying to get power and acting out, and when the writers actually cared? I still think that NJ had the potential to be a SOLID dynamic but the writers made it sorta unhealthy on the show :(( - but I've spoken abt moments like in seventeen candles and the empire strikes jack before, where they're both able to be emotionally vulnerable around each other in ways we don't see them be with anyone else. I've even compared that to what I like about Derena, whom everyone knows I ship in every possible way, haha. But there's something about characters who trust each other and allow themselves to be honest with each other in ways that they wouldn't otherwise EVER be - especially with characters like Jenny & Nate who have spent so long trying to seem fine and okay even when they're really not.

I honestly really like the idea of queerplatonic Jenate - they're life partners, they're each other's rock, they're each other's person - but it's not romantic OR sexual - and for Nate & Jenny, whose adolescence has involved navigating other people sexualising them so much + not having the best track record with romantic relationships - for them, I feel being qpps gets REALLY interesting, because you get all the perks of a relationship without the romantic/sexual obligations? (obligations isn't the best word, but i don't know what else to use here? LOL) and that's something i love to explore.

I feel like book Jenny was bi! The way she gushed about Nate, whom she canonically had a crush on, and the way she gushed about Serena were EXACTLY the same. Also YES I love multiple headcanons always, it's a lot of fun seeing people explore that!!! I know people who have aroace readings of Jenny, or aro lesbian / ace lesbian readings of her, and I find that really cool, too!

I also definitely get you about relating to Jenny a lot, and feeling that kind of connection. It's similar to how I feel about Dan, and .... explains a lot of my contradicting dair views, actually. A few years ago I had a seriously intense crush on a girl who was... a lot like Blair, in many ways. I spent a ridiculous amount of time writing poetry about her, etc etc, but I never actually acted on it. If she'd fabricated schemes that involved us kissing, though..... I don't know. I don't think I would've denied it if I'd felt like I actually had a chance. I think we just had a case of bad timing, & I like to think in another universe, maybe we were actually together for a bit. I'm glad that your parents are supportive of you and better than Rufus! <3

I think that's what's so interesting about fiction, to see how we view things differently depending on how we view and relate to things based on our own experiences <- THIS exactly! this is a big part of why that "proship" is in my bio. like this is exactly what it means to me and how I conceptualise & understand it!!! Like you, I also like engaging with people who have different understandings and opinions of the characters -> it definitely helps you make new friends you would otherwise not meet by staying in your bubble, & from a fandom point of view, it also helps you develop a more nuanced understanding of a character. Some of the best written Jenny Humphrey I've read was in Jenate fics - and I've had people who don't even ship Blenny tell me they liked the way I wrote Jenny in my post canon blennyfic, so... idk. it's loving Jenny hours - each and every single iteration of Jenny!!!

[scribblewriting65]

I posted 322 times in 2022

6 posts created (2%)

316 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@smallpwbbles

@moringmark

@thefloatingstone

@xxtc-96xx

I tagged 72 of my posts in 2022

#the owl house - 38 posts

#the owl house spoilers - 21 posts

#toh spoilers - 11 posts

#sonic the hedgehog - 8 posts

#scribblewriting65 - 7 posts

#sonic movie - 7 posts

#rwby - 5 posts

#archive of our own - 4 posts

#the collector - 2 posts

#rise of the tmnt - 2 posts

Longest Tag: 23 characters

#hunter the golden guard

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Hey guys, here's my next work: An original story called Overqualified! Sorry I haven't posted in so long, I'm going through burnout right now (it's not fun). Still, I hope that at least this piece's length can make up for my absence, and I hope to be consistently writing again soon. Thanks for sticking around, and I hope you enjoy!

0 notes - Posted April 10, 2022

#4

Hey guys! Here's a sequel to Leaving the Den! I thought it'd be interesting to see what Luz's crew could get into before Season 3. Sorry for having this one be a little late, this piece took a while and I'm likely still working through some burnout (especially with things like a soon approaching new job and moving).

Chapter 4 was inspired by @moringmark and their great work with Owl House on here. It’s inspired by their idea that post Season 2, the Boiling Isles essentially become a Mad Max-style wasteland, with survivors driving around in big rigs to find other people and avoid the Collector. Thank you Mark for the inspiration if you ever see this!

Lastly, I just wanted to say that burnout/motivation to actually START writing is still a struggle, but hopefully, I'll get past it eventually. With that in mind, I don't want to give a SPECIFIC date for my next story, but rest assured that I'm not leaving writing anytime soon. It may just be a while before I post another story, with the next one likely being for a fandom I've never written for before. I hope you look forward to that. Tell me what you thought of this story in the comments, and have a good day!

1 note - Posted September 19, 2022

#3

2 Scribble story posts at once???

In all seriousness, Here's another piece to my Owl House/Shadows collection! I wrote this in about a day after being super inspired by King's Tide and just had to get it out. Tell me what you think, and I hope you enjoy the angst!

One last thing: Since I’m posting these two stories so close together, I’m rewarding myself with an additional month to my self-imposed deadline. So instead of 2 months and a week bringing the next story to August 13th, the next one will be out before September 13th. Hope you look forward to what’s next!

3 notes - Posted June 6, 2022

#2

Hey guys! Here's my latest work: A continuation of my Owls and Wolves Owl House/Shadows crossover named Friends and Heroes! There'll be more canon divergence in this fic than usual because I've had this story cooking for months; before we even heard anything about Season 2B. Burnout isn't fun.

Nevertheless, please leave a comment on what you think, and I hope you enjoy!

3 notes - Posted June 6, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Owl Gushing

Can I just say? I love the Owl House with all my heart.

“And the sky is blue, Scribble, so what?”

So that means I get to gush about a natural beauty as much as I damn well please, and I’m gonna do so now.

When I first picked up the show, I didn’t expect too much from it. Having never been truly attached to Disney properties before then. Yeah, I liked shows like Phineas and Ferb, and Gravity Falls or the movies were always around in my media feed, but I never paid much hardcore attention to them, so I thought Owl House would just be a nice time killer while I was living with my sister during the worst of Covid. “Oh look, another story of a normal person being brought to a supernatural world. I’m gonna remember and love this beyond the next hour.”

Um, yeah, I will. Forever.

The Owl House, in my eyes, is not only the best thing on Disney’s library (more on that later), but it’s one of the best stories EVER. Even freaking Avatar: The Last Airbender, one of my first true cartoon loves, sweats when I mention Owl House. Avatar is certainly great, but I always willingly skip the Ember Island Players episode because it’s just embarrassing/cringy, and it hardly contributes to the show at large. None of Owl House’s episodes have done that, and I strongly doubt they will.

And just what makes this story so different from the others?

See the full post

8 notes - Posted May 22, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[sage-nebula]

Hey, I've been offline for a while so I'm a little behind on your MM posts, but I see that you said Anime Otogi is like Zen but Manga Otogi isn't? But I'm not really sure how the two differ that much so if you could shed some light on that please? I know you're really into MM right now so I hope it's not too out of your way to answer a non-MM ask lol

Haha, well, I have also been really into Pokémon and Voltron: Legendary Defender recently, but I still answer the YGO questions that get sent my way even though I’m not super into YGO right now, so it’s fine.

There is a world of differences between manga!Otogi and anime!Otogi. Otogi is one of the three characters Studio Gallop fucked over the most when they made their anime adaptation (the other two being Jounouchi and Bakura Ryou), and so honestly it’d be easier to make a condensed list of things they have in common versus differences between them. Really, about the only similarity is their name and appearance. That’s … that’s really it. (Oh, and the fact he created Dungeon Dice Monsters in both versions. That, too.) Otherwise, it’s like manga!Otogi is a lake while anime!Otogi is a mop puddle. The differences are that stark.

But for a more in-depth explanation:

Manga Otogi:

In the manga, Otogi Ryuuji is the son of a wizened former apprentice of Sugoroku’s, back when Sugoroku was still acting as a master of games. About Years ago pre-canon, Otogi’s father (Mr Crown) challenged Sugoroku to a Shadow Game over ownership of the Millennium Puzzle. At the time, Mr Crown was still young. However, the Shadow Game he challenged Sugoroku to was a game called the Devil’s Board Game, in which players bet years of their life. At the end of the game, the loser would age according to the number of years they had bet. Mr Crown had bet fifty years, and so when he lost, he aged fifty years in a single night.

As a result of this, Mr Crown became obsessed with seeking revenge against Sugoroku. In order to accomplish this he had a son, Otogi, who would be able to carry out his revenge for him. (And yes, you read that correctly: In the manga, Otogi was born solely to seek revenge against Sugoroku; he would not have been conceived otherwise. And to be honest, I have doubts that Mr Crown is his biological father at all, but that’s just speculation.) Due to being raised for the sole purpose of revenge, Otogi was sheltered, tutored, and trained in the art of gaming, and was not allowed to socialize until he was sixteen and it was time to get revenge on Sugoroku by Otogi playing Yuugi in Dungeon Dice Monsters over ownership of the Millennium Puzzle.

As a result of this, manga!Otogi …

… is quite serious in terms of personality. Otogi is a rather sincere, but also rather serious, person. Due to the abusive environment he was raised in (and Mr Crown was quite abusive to him, even in the present day), Otogi tends to take most things in life seriously, regarding everything with a scrutinizing eye and honest judgment. While it’s not impossible for him to smile, he really doesn’t have genuine smiles very often, and he lacks the comic relief spawning flippancy the anime gave him. That said, he’s not stoic; Otogi can actually be rather emotional, and there are times when he …

… is quite tsundere. Otogi is an honest-to-god tsundere in the manga when it comes to joining the friend squad. In the manga, Otogi gets involved in the Battle City arc when he decides to tag along with Honda to go pick up Shizuka from the hospital after her eye surgery. When Honda pokes fun at the fact that Otogi made up an excuse to do this, Otogi responds in the most tsundere way possible:

“I-It’s not like I like you, or anything!!” is classic tsundere, and Otogi uses it here to mask the fact that he’s actually tagging along with Honda to the hospital because he wants to get closer to the friend squad. This is a far cry from the anime, where he just happened to stumble across Honda and Shizuka when they were fleeing from the Ghouls, and decided to tag along after that because ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . In fact, to that end, manga!Otogi …

… wants to learn about the power of unity, and specifically wants to learn what it means to gain strength from bonds formed with other people. Unlike in the anime, where Otogi’s character during Battle City is entire wrapped up in a love triangle between himself, Honda, and Shizuka (which does not exist in the manga; neither Honda nor Otogi have feelings for Shizuka in the manga, as well they shouldn’t give that they are in their second year of high school and she is a junior high student, very much a kid to them), Otogi has his own character arc in the manga that focuses on his desire to find out what it’s like to have friends and companions to rely on, and what it’s like to draw strength from them, given that this was something denied to him as a result of his upbringing. In fact, this is the entire reason why he decides to join the friend squad in Battle City:

As you can see, Otogi is not only quite serious and focused on this question he wants an answer to (rather than gushing over how cute Shizuka is, like in the anime), but it actually is a question he wants an answer to, and an actual character arc in comparison to the comic relief he was reduced to in the anime. Otogi never had friends growing up, in the manga; he was never allowed to have them. Now that his father has disowned him and he fulfilled his “purpose” of revenge, he’s free to seek out friendships and learn what it truly means to gain courage and strength from the bonds he forms with others. But on that note, in the manga, Otogi …

… is not a womanizer, even a little bit. Whereas in the anime he had cheerleaders following him around and gushing over him, in the manga, Otogi doesn’t care about that at all. While the girls at school still do fawn over him for being attractive (much as they did Bakura when he transferred in), Otogi doesn’t pay them too much mind, instead focusing his attentions on Yuugi and Jounouchi. Furthermore, when he plays Dungeon Dice Monsters with Yuugi, they are alone; the only audience for this match is Mr Crown (who watches in secret for the first half), and later the Spirit of the Ring (since he senses that the Puzzle is in danger). Otogi is confident in his gaming skills, but he doesn’t have the massive narcissistic streak in the manga that he has in the anime. He certainly never spends time thinking about how suave, smooth, or good-looking he is, and it actually seems like talking himself up is very far from his mind in the manga. Additionally, while he was raised for revenge against Sugoroku (by defeating Yuugi), and while he is confident in his gaming skills, Otogi …

… does not hate Yuugi, and is actually quite kind. He really is not a jerk in the manga, at least not to an extravagant amount. He does come off as something of one when he is first introduced (and acts like a bit of one throughout the DDM match due to the pressure that is on him to win), but when Mr Crown shatters the Millennium Puzzle partway through the match, Otogi stops the match to help Yuugi pick up the pieces, apologizes to Yuugi for the fact that his father broke it, and then declares that he’s going to continue to play the game honorably. He begs Mr Crown to stop lashing out about vengeance once the match is through (even though this gets him disowned), and as I said, really wants to understand what friendship and companionship are as the manga goes on. And as far as not hating Yuugi goes, even before they became friends (and in fact, even before they had played Dungeon Dice Monsters at all!) Otogi felt positively about Yuugi, simply because of the card games they had played in the classroom:

(Note: This leads Mr Crown to demand if Otogi had lost against Yuugi, and when Otogi stammered his response (“Uh, well—”) Mr Crown realized that he had. As a result, he struck Otogi across the face with that riding crop he’s carrying and screamed at him for losing. So yeah, having a rare genuine smile and talking about how amazing Yuugi was got Otogi punished pretty harshly. I was not exaggerating when I said Mr Crown abused him.) Otogi genuinely likes Yuugi, even before they play DDM, though he tries to repress it while they play because he knows it is his duty to get revenge on his father’s behalf. So while he does have his moments of being a jerk when first introduced (particularly toward Jounouchi, given that he wanted to take Jounouchi away from Yuugi as a start on the revenge), overall Otogi is a kind person who is not full of himself in the manga, and certainly not to the playboy extent he is in the anime. And actually, at times he …

… is quite sensitive. This ties into how I mentioned that he’s emotional and kind up above, but Otogi is actually quite sensitive to the feelings of others. Part of why he’s so bent on revenge for his father’s sake is because he legitimately feels bad and uncomfortable with how disfigured Mr Crown is due to the Devil’s Board Game. Straight up, he has a difficult time even looking at Mr Crown’s true face as a result of this: 

And, as stated, felt bad when Mr Crown shattered the Puzzle and made Yuugi cry (from shock, anger, and hurt) during the DDM match:

He’s also very forgiving his father, despite how Mr Crown disowns him and tells him he no longer has reasons for living now that he failed to carry out revenge as planned. Otogi is quite emotional and sensitive, perceptive to other’s feelings. He’s quite conscious of it.

I could probably go on, but all in all, Otogi is not the selfish, borderline narcissistic twit that he is in the anime. He’s actually a serious character with depth and a true character arc in the manga, and though he only has a small role, I’d say that he’s still very good. By contrast …

Anime Otogi:

In the anime, Otogi Ryuuji appears to be the sole owner of the Black Crown game shop, given that his father, Mr Crown, apparently does not exist. Some time shortly before Duelist Kingdom, Otogi developed Dungeon Dice Monsters because he felt like it. He contacted Industrial Illusions for assistance with getting his game created, and after a meeting with Pegasus (whom Otogi idolized), it seemed as if his dream was going to come true and the partnership was going to go through successfully. However, Pegasus disappeared after the events of Duelist Kingdom (because he went into a coma in the anime, whereas he was outright murdered in the manga), and as a result the partnership between the Black Crown game shop and Industrial Illusions fell through. Enraged that he was never going to get Dungeon Dice Monsters published now, and feeling that Yuugi must have cheated somehow to defeat Pegasus, Otogi enrolled at Domino High so that he could challenge Yuugi to Dungeon Dice Monsters, a game Yuugi had never played before, because somehow beating Yuugi at Dungeon Dice Monsters would prove that Yuugi had cheated during his Duel Monsters match with Pegasus. OK.

As a result of this, in the anime, Otogi …

… is petty, selfish, and self-absorbed. Whereas he was raised as an instrument for his father’s revenge in the manga (and was therefore acting not out of his own desires, but rather for his father’s desires, and any personal feelings he had were simply feelings to make his father happy), in the anime he seeks out revenge against Yuugi because he’s mad that his partnership with Pegasus fell through as a result of Duelist Kingdom. It’s petty, because although it’s disappointing to have a business deal fall through, it’s not as if there aren’t other ways to get that game published. It’s something trivial to seek out revenge for, and makes him seem like a less dangerous Kaiba rather than his own character. He’s also rather selfish and self-absorbed, because not only is he seeking revenge over an inconvenience and injustice he feels he faced, but he feels that he faced that injustice because, in his mind, the world seems to revolve around him. It’s not that he doesn’t know how to socialize, but rather that he doesn’t care to because he’s so wrapped up in his own little world and sense of self-importance and genius. And on that note, he …

… is fully aware of how cool and good looking he is, and relishes the attention. The girls fawn over him in the anime, too, but this time he actively encourages it. He brings cheerleaders to the matches at Black Crown, and broadcasts the Dungeon Dice Monsters game on huge screens outside the game shop so that everyone can see him defeat Yuugi. During the Battle City arc, he’s constantly flaunting himself and bragging to try and impress Shizuka, and is still willing to denigrate others (namely Honda) in order to make himself look better. This behavior is not present at all in the manga, particularly because (as I said) Otogi ignores the girls in the manga and plays Dungeon Dice Monsters privately with Yuugi in a very secluded back room. And speaking of the girls, in the anime, Otogi is …

… a womanizer. The cheerleaders aside, Otogi’s entire “arc” in Battle City in the anime is the love triangle going on between himself, Honda, and Shizuka. His entire reason for being there is because he wants to get into a thirteen-year-old’s pants. He seems to have no other thoughts or concerns on his mind, aside from occasionally having commentary to add about the duels going on.

And that, honestly, is the most that can be said about him in the anime. He’s flippant and full of himself, but he has about as much depth as a mop puddle compared to his manga counterpart. He’s one of three characters the anime treated the most horribly, with Jounouchi and Bakura Ryou (so, not the spirit, but actual Bakura) being the other two. It’s sad, but it is what it is. Hopefully someday the anime can be rebooted and actually done right.