#yea they can fly but motorcycle ride fun

[spacenintendogs]

Important Information™️ for my modern au

[kreeperslash]

Journal Pt.7

Upon arriving at Mexico City I was pulled for inspection on all my luggage 3 large luggage that was a pain to put together in the first place. I really hope nothing got left behind during the inspection but I did miss my original flight to Monterrey so freakout a bit but got a new one set up just too tired and sleepy and not well fed after almost two days of flying. But water is pretty cheap converted all my AUD to Pesos 28 pesos is 1.55 USD for a large and I mean the largest bottle of water new cars are pretty cheap at almost 12-13k USD gives my hopes up for getting a motorcycle for cheap here. Oh yea upon arrive to Mexico City the landscape is beautiful with the mountains surrounding the Capital but the visible smog is another thing. Also don't wanna be rude just how my flights have been people in Mexico mostly look poor with literal reusable shopping bags as their personal bag. Deseveled clothes is another thing as well I mean I look pretty desheveled myself so I can't say much either. Well I still got another 9 hour car ride to get to my birth city a little little city close to Tamaulipas capital. Also am going to have to meet up with the tenants of the apartments my mother owns that has my name in it as well so that should be fun, my mother is a bit lenient with payments it seems letting some tenants not pay for months but apparently they are good on making payments later so can't complain about them. My English will not suffer it's my Spanish that will test my patience since it's obvious I use English wording structure and bring up English mid sentence. Whatever people will need to bear with it I wasn't raised here I was born only. Oh I can actually see the clouds on a flight for once makes everything down in Mexico look cute in its own weird poor way. I'm not trying to bag on my birth country I just am saying how I see it as a Mexican raised purely American. Actually just noticing a lot of South Koreans travel in Mexico like so many to count as well as a lot of Catholic priest and nuns.

This last flight actually gives peanuts (with dried fruit) C is allergic to nuts so they would be trying to avoid even the flight attendants and flight seat neighbors (not the one I'm next to as he is dead asleep)

Really hope C response at some point I don't think they are ignoring me they are just enjoying their time...

[scornedlove]

Chapter Twenty-Seven

CHRIS

A couple of weeks had gone by since I promised myself I’d give Tae some space. It was disappointing that she’d only hit me up once since then, especially after I revealed so much to her the last time she was here. I really opened up to her in hopes of gaining her trust, maybe that’s why I’ve been buggin. Without her conversation, it’s hard to keep my mind off of Robyn. The last time I saw Robyn, she not only looked like a stranger, but she treated me like one too. Between her and Tae, my heart was torn and it was all too much to deal with. 

Every time I felt myself getting in my feelings, I’d hit the studio, blast some music, and paint. It was like having a therapy session, which is how I was spending my Friday afternoon. I was in my zone, finishing up my third project this week when Taylor called, inviting me to go riding with him.

“Hell yeah! I had fun last time, but I wanna take it out where I can really put some gas to it.” I suggested, jumping at the chance to borrow his motorcycle again.

“Alright, I got you. I know just the place.” he promised, before we hung up. I finished the painting I was working on and stepped back to look at the finished product. 

Diamond always gave the cutest pouty face when I wasn’t moving fast enough for her. I couldn’t get it out of my head, so I put it in paint. I snapped a picture of it and sent it to Tae before leaving, hoping that would put me on her mind.

“This chick wants me to meet her at the A for some drinks” Taylor announced when I got to his place.

“When ya’ll planning on doing that?”

“Right now, I told her 8. ″

“Then why you ask me to ride with you?” I asked, noticing it was fifteen til. “I’m not trying to be the third wheel”

“You won’t be. She’s bringing her roommate, so I told her I’d bring my brother” he added, with a smirk.

“I’m not going on a double date with you man, you know I got a girl.”

“It ain’t a date, unless you want it to be. I know that long distance shit ain’t gonna last too long.”

“Shut up fool. As long as you don’t get me in no shit, it’ll last as long as I want it to.”

“We’re just gonna hang for a bit, then take em on a ride. The ladies love that shit and I’m tryna get some ass tonight.”

“Well I’m not-”

“-Stop being a tight fuck. It ain’t all about them, come chill with ya bro.”

“Alright man, but don’t be mad if they both feeling me and you end up coming home empty handed” I teased as he tossed me the keys to his Harley.

We arrived twenty minutes later than expected due to traffic, but the girls still hadn’t made it. We found a spot at the bar, ordered a couple of beers, and watched the Saints play the Falcons while we waited.

“It’s looking like you got stood up lil bro” I stated when I noticed it was nine and still no sign of the chick he described.

“There she goes” he nodded towards the door when a familiar, dark skinned woman walked in. “She bad ain’t she?”

“Oh, hell naw. I heard this bitch was fuckin with Anthony a couple of weeks ago. You need to be caref-”

“Fuck Anthony. That’s yo homeboy. Besides, I’m always careful.” he stated, gulping down the rest of his beer before standing to greet Kiki.

“Small world. I would’ve never guessed y'all were brothers. Ryan gonna be shocked as fuck.” she cackled, getting comfortable next to Taylor as Ryan walked in. She was on the phone, eyes fixated on Kiki as she strutted past a couple of guys checking her out. She didn’t even notice me until she ended her call, a couple feet in front of me.

“Hey” she smiled, surprised to see me. “When Kiki told me she set me up on a blind date I was nervous as hell”

“Oh, this ain’t that.” I explained, tossing back the rest of my beer. She rolled her eyes at my bluntness and sat on the stool in between me and Kiki.

“Obviously, you shut that shit down already. I’m just glad you’re not some fucking weirdo.” she admitted and I couldn’t help but burst out in laughter.

“I see ya’ll are on good terms again” I nodded towards Kiki, who was cheesing like a schoolgirl while Taylor whispered in her ear. “I’m glad I didn’t get involved in that”

“Yeah, it didn’t take long for Anthony to hop on the next bitch” she shrugged nonchalantly. “How do you even know him? He doesn’t seem like someone you would associate with.”

“Shit, we go way back.  He’s changed for the worse, that’s for damn sure. ”

“Well, at least one good thing came from him”

“What’s that?”

“He’s got some good connects. He introduced me to a DJ who’s been working with me on a couple of songs, even helped me land a couple of gigs when we were on good terms.”

“Good. Sounds like things are looking up for you.”

“You have no idea. I’ve been crazy busy. Matter of fact, I’m performing for this charity event in a few weeks, you should come.”

“Oh yeah? Send me the info. This is a crazy time for me too, but I should be able to work it in”

“Alright, but let me know either way. Don’t just leave me hanging.” she replied, before getting the bartender’s attention. They ordered margaritas and we settled on one more beer while we watched a little more of the football game. I wasn’t interested in the game, or getting drunk. I was ready for the adrenaline rush from flying through traffic, so after the ladies finished their drinks, we hit the road.

It didn’t take long for me to regret agreeing to do this with the girls. I’ve been abstinent for a solid five months now, and I haven’t seen Tae in over a month. Having Ryan’s double D’s on my back and arms wrapped around my waist had my man standing tall. I did my best to keep it to myself, but she got a couple of feels in. 

Nevertheless, we rode across the Pacific Coast Highway to the infamous Neptune’s net, where we hung out for a little while, had dinner, and smoked a blunt by the beach, before heading back to the city. That’s when I realized those couple of feels weren’t an accident, they were intentional. I don’t know if it was because she was tipsy, but Ryan couldn’t keep her hands to herself. I was cool about it the first time, but then she slipped her hands in my pants while I was driving, and I damn near wrecked trying to pull over.

"If you want to make it home without having to find another way, you gonna have to keep your hands above my waist” 

“Were you feeling violated? Because it looks like you were enjoying it.”

“Fuck that. I’m tryna keep shit platonic between us, but if you can’t handle that we can’t do this anymore. I’ll find you a ride, but I’m not doing this with you”

“Fine. I’ll stop.” she stated, throwing her hands up in defeat. She behaved the rest of the ride, but when we made it to her place, she invited me in and was offended when I quickly declined.

“Well, you know where I am if you wanna talk or whatever” she stated before sashaying towards her front door. The deep ass swing in her hips made it evident she wanted more than a conversation.

I waited as she dug in her purse, searching for her keys until she gave up and made a call. By the look on her face as she walked towards me, I knew bad news was coming. 

“Kiki has my house key and she’s not answering. Is it cool if I stay at your place tonight?”

“You gotta be kidding” I sighed in disbelief. “Ya’ll set this shit up huh?”

“Really? Don’t flatter yourself. A simple yea or no will do” she sassed, almost tripping over her own foot. 

“What other choice do we have? Let’s go” I shrugged, handing her the helmet back. She was fucked up and I didn’t want to be here all night waiting for a damn key, so I decided we’d deal with it tomorrow. 

ROBYN

“I can’t believe I’m doing this”

“It looks great and it’s almost done, no need to fuss now” I reassured Mel as I wrapped my arms around her for comfort.

Today I finally went through with covering the matching tattoo Chris and I’d gotten a couple of years ago on some drunk on love shit. Halfway through, I almost chickened out, so Mel made me a deal. She said she was done with tattoos before, but if I went through with this one, she’d get one of my choice blindfolded. So here we were, both with swollen hands, only mine was three times the size of hers.

“Alright, ya’ll know the drill. Keep it clean and dry.” BB, my tattoo artist, stated once he finished her design. “and you really need to baby yours Robyn, here’s some extra ointment. It should help with the pain too.”

“Awww shit! This is dope!” Mel grinned after uncovering her eyes. Capturing moments was inked flawlessly in script on the side of her left hand.The moment we were settled in the back seat of John’s ride, she snapped a pic and sent it to J.  

“I’m obsessed! Girl, fucking with you, I wasn’t sure what to expect, but it’s perfect. You did good”

“Give jack he jacket!  You know I don’t do you dirty!” I teased, grinning from ear to ear. 

“Yeah, but you been wilding ever since that shit with Chris and Dre.”

“Bitch, you not even supposed to be saying the C word” I snapped, narrowing my eyes at her.

“Speaking of Chr- I mean C. Has he reached out to you since?” she continued, ignoring my annoyance.

“No. I guess I scared the shit outta him when I mentioned the police, but Aundre’s ass won’t stop calling”

“So you’re not talking to him either?”

“Nope. I’m taking your advice and leaving both of they asses alone.“

“We’ll see how long that lasts” she snickered, rolling her eyes, as if she knew I was to weak to go through with it. I hated when she did that.

“Don’t do that.’

"What”

“Don’t play dumb. I’m sick of that shit.”

“Chill out, it ain’t that serious”

“I am serious Mel. Don’t shoot me down like that. Not everybody got they life figured out by 24.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She quizzed, shaking her head. “I’m still figuring this shit out too. Everything ain’t smooth sailing over here either.”

“I find that hard to believe.” I scoffed, crossing my arms and wincing from the pain of brushing my freshly tatted hand against my clothes.

“I don’t complain all the time and I don’t wear that shit on my sleeve, but yeah Rob, I be going through some shit too.”

“Like?”

“Like my husband working seventy hour weeks and my married boss flirting and making passes at me all the fucking time”

“Michael?”

“Yeah, anytime we’re alone together he gets a little too close and happens to accidentally brush up against me the wrong way or says something sexually cryptic ”

“You lying! He’s fine as hell, but don’t fuck around with a married man. Matter of fact, you should just leave that job. These things always end up ugly”

“I’m not stupid, but I’m not leaving my job either.”

“Why not?”

“The amount of money I’m making with him is crazy, I ain’t gonna get that anywhere else.”

“Girl please, you have J. Who cares about the money? It ain’t worth the money, you need to quit”

“Easy for you to say. I’'m finally making good money and I’m not ready to let it go. Over a couple of ass grabs? Naw, imma milk this cow. Maybe I’ll be able to open my own shit one day.”

“Well all I gotta say is don’t slip up and lose ya husband over nothing stupid.”

“I would never jeopardize my marriage. J has made me a better person in so many ways, I’d be stupid to fuck up something this good. ”

“Fi true” I agreed, before John Legend’s All of Me started blaring from her phone.

“This my baby calling now” she gasped, a smile creeping across her face as she answered in her sexy voice. I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous as they flirted back and forth. I had to turn my attention to the starry sky in order to successfully tune her out. Instead of obsessing over my own sad love life, I  looked for constellations while reminding myself of all the frogs she had to kiss in order to find her prince. 

CHRIS

“CHRIS WHAT THE FUCK!” Tae’s unmistakable voice pierced my ears, snatching me from dreamland. It took a minute for it to register that she was standing right in front of me. Then I realized why she was screaming.

“Get up Ry-” I attempted to wake Ryan’s drunk ass up, but she was out cold. We passed out sitting up on the sofa watching Rush Hour, I don’t know how her head ended up on my lap. It may have looked a little bad, but Tae was definitely exaggerating.

“SO THIS IS WHAT YOU REALLY DO WHEN YOUR BY YOURSELF! I KNEW  IT. YOU’RE A LIAR! ”

“BABE!” I yelled over her to get her attention. “You buggin. We’re fully clothed. Nothing happened.”

“And that makes this okay? Your fucking ex is laying in your lap!” Lose my number!” she screamed throwing my key at me and running out the house.

My mind was yelling for me to run after her, but my legs wouldn’t move. Is that really all it took for her to walk out on me again? If so, what is the point of this long distance shit? What was she even doing in Cali? I haven’t talked to her in days and she just randomly shows up to act like this. I had so many questions, but at the same time, I didn’t care for a single answer. I felt a weight lift from my shoulders as I realized something. I’m single again. 

[robinrunsfiction]

The Only Hope For Me Is You

Pairing: Kobra Kid x Female Reader Rating: General Requested By: None Word Count: ~1,400 Author’s Note: Just fluff... all the fluff

When you first arrived at the diner, you were riding in the backseat of your crew leader's car. Kobra had been outside soaking up the sunshine on a rare quiet day, but when your car rolled up he couldn’t help but watch you.

The two other Killjoys you arrived with went in to the dinner to talk to Party. You had been waiting outside, shuffling around, kicking rocks around with your boot. Kobra watched silently, looking you over, one thing in particular catching his eye.

"Hey," he shouted and you stopped to look at him. "I like your ring."

You smiled at walked over to him.

"Thanks, I found it while scavenging one day. My name is (YKJN) what's yours?"

"Kobra Kid."

"So that's why you like the ring," you said with a smile looking down at the black, sparkling metal serpent that wrapped it's way around your finger.

He shrugged and got up. You talked about what your crew was doing, some spots to look out for along the way, and the last time you had run ins with some Dracs.

"Hey (YKN), we're staying here tonight," your leader shouted from the open door of the diner. You nodded and smiled at Kobra. He smiled back

"Let's go inside," he said leading the way. Inside you met Jet Star, Party Poison, and Fun Ghoul. You liked this band of Killjoys almost instantly. You had been running with your crew for a long time now, so you always liked meeting someone new.

Throughout the night, you thought you caught Kobra looking at you, but he left his dark sunglasses on, so you couldn't be sure. You smiled his way a few times, hoping he'd notice, when he shot one back, you knew he had.

You had been trying to get comfortable on the soft pleather seat of the diner booth you were trying to sleep in for a while. Your arm not really a sufficient pillow.

"Hey," Kobra whispered. You sat up and saw he was holding a pillow. "Will this help?"

"Yea, thanks," you whispered back, taking the pillow from him. "I'm not really that tired tonight though."

"Wanna go outside?"

You nodded and followed him out and you both sat against the back wall of the diner.

"I hope you come back through this way, after you get done with this run," he said quietly.

You felt a rush of confidence and grabbed his hand that was absentmindedly playing with the pebbles in the dirt. "I hope so too." You looked up at him for any kind of response. You were thankful it was dark so he didn't have his sunglasses hiding what his eyes were doing.

Now his beautiful hazel eyes were looking between your hand intertwined with his, your lips, and your eyes. You found yourself leaning towards him, and his lips met yours. His other hand caressed your cheek, a moment of tenderness in the middle of the harsh environment of the zones.

When you parted you leaned you head against his shoulder and you both watched the stars until you started to feel sleepy and you went back in to the diner.

Kobra pressed a kiss to your forehead before he went back to his room and you snuggled into the pillow he lent you. It smelled like him in the best way and you were still smiling the next morning when you woke up. When your leader got up, you knew your time with Kobra was over, but you really hoped you would see him again.

You lingered behind in the diner, using a mirror to pull your hair to keep it off your neck under the desert sun. You saw in the reflection Kobra walk up behind you.

"Stay safe out there," he said quietly.

"Same to you," you said turning to face him. "You better be here when I come back through."

Kobra nodded and pulled you to him, placing another kiss on your lips.

"Come on (YKN), let's go!" You heard your leader shout from outside. You pulled back.

"Later Kid," you said as you exited the diner, pulling your bandanna up over your face.

~

A couple weeks later, Kobra was organizing the supplies that he and Jet had just picked up when he heard the doors of the diner open.

"You'll be ok," he heard Party telling someone. Before Kobra could leave the kitchen to see who his brother was talking to, he got his answer.

"Yea, I know," he heard you say. Kobra burst through the kitchen door to see you leaning against a table. Your face was sunburned, a wound that looked a couple days old scarring your bare shoulder. Everything you were wearing caked in dirt.

"(YKN), what happened?" Kobra asked, rushing over to you.

"I said I'd come back," you said wearily with a sad smile. "We got ambushed. My crew got ghosted, I played dead and the Dracs left me there for the vultures. I managed to get back to the car and here I am."

"Fuck," Kobra muttered as Party came back out with the first aid kit.

"Got anyone else?" He asked as he pulled out some gauze.

"No," you sighed.

"You got me," Kobra replied. “I mean us,” he corrected quickly. You looked at him, and then Party who was looking at Kobra as well. You didn't reply, not knowing if this was his place to make the call that you join them.

“He’s right, you can stay with us if you want,” Party said with a nod. “You must have a good head on your shoulders if you can survive a dust up with Dracs and make it out alive.”

You nodded and smiled at Kobra, remembering what he said as brother cleaned your wound.

You quickly settled into the routine of your new life with the Fabulous Killjoys. When your arm was healed completely, you started to accompany Kobra on his patrol runs through the Zones, riding on the back of his motorcycle. You lived for the thrill of flying across the desert roads, and he loved the feeling of your body pressed against his back, arms wrapped around him tightly. On these runs, outside of the eye of the others, Kobra would run his hands through your hair before pulling down your bandanna to kiss you under the desert sun.

One morning you woke up and were pulling yourself together when you realized your snake ring was missing. You tried to remember where you took it off the night before, if you had set it next to the cot where you slept, or maybe in the kitchen you wondered. You glanced around, but it wasn’t anywhere you could find. You wondered if someone had crept in and stolen it, but pushed the worries out of your mind and assumed it would turn up somewhere and got on with your day.

The day was long and especially hot, but when the sun began to set, the heat dissipated quickly. After finishing another dry dinner, you had wandered out in front of the diner to look at the sun setting in the distance. Behind you the diner door opened and Kobra stepped out, pulling on his jacket, yours in his hand.

"Wanna walk?" Kobra asked handing you your jacket. 

“Yea,” you replied, taking his hand. You walked down behind the diner, and out to a little rock outcropping above a small valley. You both sat down next to the edge of the rocks, you let your feet hang over the edge, swinging them gently.

“(YKN),” Kobra said softly after a few minutes of comfortable silence watching the sun sink lower. You glanced over at him and he seemed nervous.

“What’s wrong?” You asked.

“Nothing, it’s,” he paused and reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the black serpent that usually occupied a finger on your right hand. 

“You found it!” You exclaimed.

“(YKN), I didn’t have anything else to use, but I figured this would work. I want to ask you to umm... to be my girl until the end.”

You clasped your hand over your mouth, astounded at what he was asking. You just nodded.

“I love you (YKN), and I know it’s dangerous but I want everyone to know,” he said slipping the ring onto your left ring finger.

“I love you too, Kid” you said cupping his cheek and pulling him to you in a tender kiss. “I’m yours.”

Masterlist

[luanardo]

((just binge-read a bunch of stuff on the harry potter wikia and now I got an urge to do a headcanon dump about it (is it even headcanons when it’s about my own OC???) so uhhh here’s a bunch of fun facts about Lua’s future career as an Auror before I go to sleep))

Lua went into training at the same time as Tonks 

They signed up, like, immediately after graduating Hogwarts (to fit into the canon timeline)

that being said, Lua was trained by Alastor Moody too 

(hence all the b99 incorrect quotes I make with Moody as Cpt Holt and Lua as someone he sasses)

((also dad jokes))

So they trained together

Have arguably the same skill sets

Of course, there’s some differences in skill levels between the both of them

I like to imagine Lua’s the better fighter of the two of them, but Tonks is better at detective work and investigation

Oh yea and they were partners for most of their earlier career

It just made sense, y’know? The two of them trained together, so they know each others’ skills and abilities

So Lua and Tonks worked together extensively when they passed basic training

They used to kind of rely on each other’s skills to do things

Like, Lua can’t cast a patronus due to his angst/trauma, so Tonks would have to protect both of them from dementors and leithfolds

Tonks can’t act for shit, so Lua has to cover for them both when they have to infiltrate places 

etc. etc. 

Moody eventually encouraged them to start working independently, but they always had a good partner dynamic going on

They both have a bit of a reputation in the Aurors’ office

For being both Alastor Moody’s latest proteges, and for being a pair of little shits who love causing mischief 

They’re among the youngest two in the office, so a lot of the older veterans kind of look down on them

They respond with snide grins and a quick two-finger salute

And practical jokes

More than one Auror has clocked in to find their desk covered in wrapping paper 

No one can give them shit though because Tonks and Lua have both proven themselves already 

Apparently the Aurors’ main office is a big open hall with a bunch of cubicles in it?? 

One cubicle for each Auror

So. Lua and Tonks’ cubicles are right next to each other. Obviously

They’re best friends ^_^

(Tonks lets Lua call her “Dora”) 

They kind of share work spaces and tend to stand up in their cubicles and talk over the wall when they’re working a case 

Lua has a jar on his desk labeled “LAUGH JAR,” where he and Tonks add put in a sickle every time they can get Moody to laugh

After three years, there’s only one sickle in it. Lua noticed the corner of his mouth twitch upwards and he took it as a snicker. 

Tonks has a neater work space than Lua 

It’s mostly that she has to keep things organized so she can keep track of her stuff. Lua just has a vague idea of where everything is and he can find things really quickly. 

Oh also!! Tulip is here too!!!

Her parents half insisted, half forced her to get a job in the Ministry after graduation

Probably trying to groom her to inherit one of their positions

She chose to spite them by getting a job in a different department

She absolutely hates her job, but keeps it because her parents promised to leave her alone after she’d worked it for a few years (and she’s very patient about it) 

It’s not that her job is hard, it’s that it’s too easy

She makes things more interesting by playing pranks on her coworkers

(Lua and Tonks join in sometimes, when they’re not busy) 

Oh, also, Tulip and Lua are dating at this point (if you haven’t already guessed that based on how I write their relationship) and they live together in an apartment

I can go on about that more but this is about the OFFICE 

Oh fun fact: In my canon, Lua first met Arthur Weasley in an elevator at the Ministry

Lua was kind of awkwardly glancing at Arthur the entire elevator ride and eventually Arthur asks “Err, can I help you?” and Lua goes “Oh, no, sorry sir. You just look like a friend of mine, from school” and Arthur says “Ah, which one?” and Lua realizes it’s Bill, Charlie, Percy, Fred and George’s dad.

They become friends, hell yeah! 

The main reason I included this is because at one point, Arthur kind of slips up and mentions that he enchanted a muggle car to fly. And Lua just says “Arthur, you’re a bloody genius”

Nevermind the fact that it’s illegal to enchant muggle devices to do magical things

Anyway, Lua goes fuckin wild and manages to work with a couple people to enchant a motorcycle to fly (Hagrid, Arthur, Moody, Scabbers, and everyone else who knows Sirius all cringe) 

It’s a secret due to the legal troubles, but he uses it for transport in areas he can’t broomstick to.

He only flies in emergencies or when he’s really in a hurry to get somewhere (and even then, he only takes off and lands in isolated areas near where he needs to go) 

Unlike Arthur’s car, it can’t turn invisible (he didn’t think of that when they were messing with it) 

It’s kind of a weird vehicle to ride, but Lua gets the hang of it because he invested so much into its creation (It’s kind of his baby and he treats it as such) 

Tonks can drive/fly it too. She thought it was awesome and demanded she get a chance to try it out

(it would never come up in the main series because Lua would be using it at the time) 

They’ve both used the bike to chase down dark wizards, once or twice (or a couple dozen times)

i looked up an image of the model of bike it’d be

i’m sorry I just really like the idea of biker!Lua and tonks 

and oof it’s getting late uhhh I’mma cut this short

We’re not gonna get into the angsty Second Wizarding War shit lmao

(not right now anyway) 

[thepelagoislands]

Indoor Carnival (Leuda) || January 20th - 27th, 2019

What happens when it’s practically freezing outside with too much snow on the ground? Why, you hold a carnival, of course! The island of Leuda has transformed the inside of the island’s sports stadium into an Indoor Carnival for all residents to come in an enjoy! Come for plenty of games, booths, rides, and, of course, all of the delicious carnival food that is sure to be offered!

There are several things to enjoy during the carnival!

General Carnival Chat and Threads

There will be a general IC Discord channel open in the OOC Discord! This will be for any general interactions during the carnival, such as mingling around the food area, finding someone to ride a carnival ride with you, or anything else that you may think would happen in a carnival setting!

Threads for the Indoor Carnival will be able to be created at any point during the festival! They do not need to be completed by the festival’s end, but starters must be made before the event ends!

Carnival Minigames

During the Indoor Carnival, there will be multiple booths you can visit to potentially win prizes! These aren’t necessarily the only booths available to visit during the carnival for RP purposes, by the way!

Dunk Announcer-Chan:

The fabled Announcer-Chan is sitting in the dunk tank, dispensing profanities towards any who try to dunk him into the water. Do you have what it takes to dunk Announcer-Chan? You may roll this line three times during the event!

Roll: t!choose HIT | HIT | MISS | MISS | DUNK

HIT: You hit the target, but it seems like the game’s rigged! Announcer-Chan isn’t dunked at all!

MISS: You completely miss. Wow. The target was right there. Congratulations.

DUNK: You hit the target just right and Announcer-Chan is dunked into the water. There’s no official prize, but the friendly employee running the booth slides you 1,000G.

Test of Strength:

Testing your strength with the seasonal tournament is so 2018. You know how you really test your strength? Hitting something with a hammer. So come grab a hammer and whack this here carnival booth to see how high you rank on the strength scale! You can roll this line once during the event!

Roll: t!choose NOODLE ARMS | WIMPY | AVERAGE JOE | BEEFY | STRONK

NOODLE ARMS: You’re the weakest of the weak. A light breeze could send you flying. The booth runner looks at you with pity and gives you a flyer for the local gym.

WIMPY: Not the worst, but certainly still a wimpy strength you have. Go do a few push-ups before coming back, tough guy.

AVERAGE JOE: Not a pushover but also not impressive in the slightest. You’re completely average.

BEEFY: Wow, look at those nice budding muscles you have there! Just a bit more training and you’re a certified stronk person!

STRONK: You’re the strongest of them all, a true top fighter! For hitting in the strongest category and ringing the bell at the top, you win a free weapon of choice from Steel Edge Blacksmith’s!

Roulette Wheel:

Spin the wheel and potentially win a prize! Who doesn’t like winning free things? Take a look at the prizes and pray for whatever you truly want! You may spin the wheel two times during the event to see what you get!

Roll: t!choose 100G | 1,000G | POTION | STONE | MOTORCYCLE | 100G | 1,000G | 5,000G | VOYAGE | 1G | 10,000G | 100G 

POTION: Roll to see which potion you get! 

t!choose LOVE POTION | TRUTH POTION | PERSONALITY SWAP | MEMORY POTION | SLEEPING POTION

STONE: You get a Whisper Stone! These are small stones that are able to record a message for one person by speaking the message while holding the stone and thinking about the recipient! Once recorded, the recipient can listen to the message anytime by touching the stone. Only one message can ever be recorded in a Whisper Stone, so it’s a one time use! Once a message is inside, that will be the only message it will relay to the recipient.

MOTORCYCLE: You wanna be a cool guy? You really want to be that one cool dude on the block with a motorcycle. Well, congratulations! You have now won a motorcycle to woo all the men and women. I hope you’re excited for some fun motorcycle activities...like obeying traffic laws! Yea! So bad-ass!

VOYAGE: One free voyage, courtesy of the Explorer’s Guild!

Ring Toss:

Toss some rings around sticks to earn points and win prizes! Simple, right? Let’s hope you have the skills to be a master of the ring toss! You may play this game two times during the festival!

There are three different colored sticks on the board! Green means one point, Red means two points, and Blue means three points! Roll the following line three times to get your score!

 t!choose green | blue | red | green | green | green | red

1-3 POINTS: Choose one of the following stuffed animals!

Smol Kappa

Smol Corgi

L M A O

4-6 POINTS: Choose one of the following stuffed animals!

Let’s Get This Bread!

Shark Friend!

P O T A S S I U M 

7-9 POINTS: Choose one of the following stuffed animals!

Giant Sheep Friend

Giant Panda Friend

H I M

Bazaar

In the Indoor Carnival will have a small bazaar going on near the outer edges of the stadium! Citizens of the region are encouraged to sell their wares, especially any wares that fit in with the carnival theme! As a reminder, bazaar booths can only have 5 items, with each item having a maximum stock of 5. The stock can have variants, but must fit into the same general category (e.g., you’re selling books as one of your items, but each book has its own description).

Once you have your bazaar booth posted, please put a link into the designated channel on the OOC Discord!

Bazaar Booths:

White Capsule Booth (Ford)

Amber’s Booth (Amber)

Starry Sky Cafe Booth (Sonja)

Mist’s Booth (Mist)

Unbearably Cute (Agate)

Danny’s Booth (Danny)

Animal Lovers (Georgia & Neil)

Oh Wait I’m A Bard (Mikhail)

Nunya Services (Aurelia)

The BETTER White Capsule Booth (Marian)

Everybody in Da Club Gettin’ Tipsy (Eve)

More Fun Than a Box of Rocks (Lloyd)

Hearty Lyla (Lyla)

Maid Cafe (Vishnal & Felicity)

Cat Got Your Tongue (Alicia)

Flower Booth (Shara)

Elysian Six Laboratories Booth (Gelwein)

[aminorwreck]

Rochester Hills, Michigan. 2016.

She waited until I was in the car before insisting that we look at all the Christmas lights in the neighborhood. We were meandering through a subdivision filled with variations of the same McMansions and I was feigning amusement at LED displays devoted to the birthday of a person that probably never existed.

When we pulled into a driveway it was then that my girlfriend suddenly informed me that her own family celebrates, "Jewish Christmas." I found this peculiar because this woman had been living with me for almost a year and she never once mentioned anything about Judaism or that her family celebrates Hanukkah. In fact, in the past I noted that she seemed almost a bit too proud of her German heritage. She never admitted to it but I suspect she didn't believe the Holocaust occurred. 

As we walked up to this over-sized house, I carried an armful of presents and began racking my brain for any and all knowledge of Hanukkah. I know they light some candles and I think they avoid eating certain foods. I kept thinking about a dreidel but couldn’t remember if that was a yearlong thing or not. I suddenly felt like more of an uncultured ethnocentric piece of shit than usual.  

We walked inside and were immediately greeted with a, "Hey! Merry Christmas!" I wondered if that was a traditional Hanukkah greeting. 

Our host walked up and introduced herself as She-She. I laughed and She-She laughed as well but then asked me what was funny. I almost told her that my friend has a miniature poodle with the same name but I refrained. Instead, I asked for her real name and our host insisted I call her She-She. I began to assess what things I could steal from this house without anyone noticing.   

All the younger adults at this Jewish Christmas had names that started with the letter “S.” Spenser. Stephanie. Stacey. Sidney. She-She. Quaint, right? They were a “S” army of sorts. Spenser was the only son but his father repeatedly referred to him as, "just another one of girls." 

When we sat down to dinner, I noticed ham on the table and I asked if pig was kosher. The head of the table responded with, "who cares?" Later, I found out that when my girlfriend said they celebrate a Jewish Christmas, what she really meant was that her father is adamant about eating corned beef sandwiches on holidays. 

After dinner, Spenser asked me if I'd like to see his new motorcycle.

We stood in a frigid garage and he uncovered a twenty thousand dollar BMW Roadster. Spenser was staring at his feet and speaking so quietly I could only hear about half of what he was saying. He said he could only ride in this gated community because any time he goes out, he gets made fun of and picked on by "real bikers." I wondered what constituted a real biker in our modern society. How many episodes of Sons of Anarchy does a person have to watch before they're considered a One Percenter? 

My father and his two brothers rode with a biker club in Flint, Michigan: The Fly-in Wheels. I spent a lot of weekends watching guys rebuild Harley's while they where listening to ZZ-Top and smoking shitty weed. I would complain about being bored and my dad would throw me some fireworks and a crusty porno magazine.

I told Spenser that the best way to get a laugh out of a group of aggressive bikers is to use M-80's to blow-up your father's collection of Hustler magazines. 

When I went back in the house, I stood next to the fireplace and noticed all the framed pictures on the mantel were of a great dane. 

This little man walked up to me and said, "You know, the democrats have started every war in the history of this country and Obummer is ruining the world."  

The Yule log is believed to originate in German paganism which is probably why I wanted to throw this guy directly into the fire and then fuck his daughter on top of a pile of scented candles. It's heritage, not hate. 

At any rate, I excused myself and walked into the dining room. I found the oldest person at the party sitting at a long, fancy table and drinking a beer by himself.

"Not a Bingo player?"

"Not so much." 

"You drink?"

"Yea."

"They make me drink this no calorie piss but Spenser has real beer in the garage. If you go grab us a couple, you can fill this here glass up for me." 

Two beers in, Mr. Fox waved his hands in front of us, as if motioning to some unforeseen force or conjuring up a spirit and he said, "These god damn people won't let me eat bacon. Can you believe that? I fought for this country. I watched my friends die on foreign soil. I killed young boys on the other side of the world and I get back here and they won't let me eat bacon in my final year. Can you believe that? I mean it. I won't live for another year." Defeated, his hands fell to the table. The bacon spirit had relinquished it's hold on his soul for the time being.

He spoke about the terrors of war, weaponry and shark attacks. These are subjects I try to work into my everyday conversations so it was nice to speak to someone knowledgeable on the topics. 

He asked me about shooting an AK-47 so I suggested we get breakfast and head to the range, "We'll fill-up on nothing but bacon and go shooting." He laughed, leaned over the table and whispered that what he really wanted was to smoke hash. I asked if he had plans for the weekend.              

Later in the evening, Mr. Fox attempted to stand but his legs would not cooperate and we had to assist him in walking. Four days later, Mr. Fox was hospitalized. He died before we could go out to eat bacon, shoot guns and smoke hash.      

I didn't go to his funeral. 

That's how things end. 

[kaunis-sielu]

Fucking Drive!

“No Inhuman Registration!” You chant with the rest of the crowd outside of the White House. “No Inhuman Registration!” The crowd has swelled to a few hundred and you’ve got to admit, it’s getting pretty rowdy.

“The crowd must disperse!” A cop calls over a loud speaker but people just boo him.

You can’t breathe without bumping into someone and there an energy in the crowd that’s electric. It’s just calm enough that you don’t feel worried or scared but you know that it could change at any second.

“No Inhuman Registration!” The crowd yells again, it’s like you’ve become one in your rage.

“This crowd must disperse!” The cops yell again and you see them lining up as you force your way to the far edge of the crowd. You want to get as far away from them and their riot gear as you can, this group won’t be easily contained.

To be honest you’re pretty sure there are more Inhumans in this crowd than non-Inhumans, which is fine, you’re here supporting them after all.

It’s then the tear gas comes flying into the crowd. People scream and scatter, one guy grabs a canister then throws it back at the police. They’re shooting people with beanbags and dragging them off, some are being hit with worse. They’re these blue pellet things that seem to paralyze anyone they hit. You duck down to avoid the line of fire but keep moving, you’ve got to get out of here.

That’s when you see him, settled on his bike, a big cherry red monster of a thing, he’s talking to his friend next to him but otherwise looks ready to go.

He looks like the kinda guy your mom warned you about, strong, handsome and a little bit dangerous, the back of his jacket does say Howlies after all.

Your mind is made up when the girl next to you is paralyzed, it’s so much creepier up close. Her body frozen in the moment she was hit, the anger etched into her face, her fist raised in defiance.

You sprint to the blonde, jumping onto the back of his bike you scream

“Drive! Fucking drive!” He doesn’t need to be told twice. The engine roars as he shoots forward, the bike wobbles slightly but you can feel his muscles tense as he maneuvers the bike away from the protest. You risk a glance over your shoulder and see two cops on their own motorcycles following you. “They’re following us!” You yell to your getaway driver.

“Not for long Doll.” He growls, “Hold on tight.” You wrap your arms tightly around him and hold on for dear life as he guns it, you didn’t know he could go faster. He peels around a corner then another, throwing a leg down he makes a quick turn then flies into an alley. “Duck.” He says pulling behind a dumpster and cutting the engine. You do as he says and get low over his back.

“What if they saw us come down here?” You ask quietly as the roar of the officers bikes comes closer.

“Then they’re better drivers than they’re lettin’ on.” He says, his voice rumbling through you. Sure enough their bikes go past your hiding spot and when you breathe a sigh of relief he laughs.

“So what’s the story Doll?”

“Pardon?” You ask as you climb off of his bike. He laughs again then swings a leg off of the bike and stands. He’s easily over six feet tall and his bright blue eyes study you for a second.

“God you’re adorable.” He chuckles before going into one of the bags on his bike and swapping the license plate on the back of the bike for a new one. “First you’re at a protest for Inhumans, then you jump on the back of one of the leaders of the Howlies gang’s bike and scream at him to ‘drive just fucking drive’. You then run from the cops, are relieved when they don’t find you and say things like ‘pardon’.”

“Well, in my defense I did not know that you were a leader of the Howlies. I just needed to get the hell out of there before I was hit with one of those paralyzing pellet things.”

“They’re called Night Night pellets. The effects wear off.”

“I did not know that.” You shrug then continue, “It was still freaky. Thanks for the ride.” You tell him before turning away and heading down the alleyway.

“Hold up there darlin’.” He cuts you off, “You don’t just jump onto the back of a man’s bike and then walk away.”

“Do you want me to pay you?” He laughs again, head thrown back hand on his chest.

“Oh my god. No darlin’ I wanna buy you a drink.” You stare up at him, he wants to what? Why would he want to buy you a drink?

“You’re kidding right?”

“Not at all.”

“I don’t even know your name!”

“Steve Rogers, the boys call me Captain.”

“Yea, I’m not gonna call you Captain.” He grins then shakes his head.

“I think you’re the kinda woman my mom would’ve wanted me to date.”

“What kind of woman is that?”

“Sweet but with a strong sense of right and wrong. Someone who’s not gonna let me walk all over her like the dames the other Howlies have.” He smiles softly down at you, “Come on Doll. Just one drink.” He holds out a hand to you and after a heartbeat you take it.

“Yea alright.” You agree and he grins.

One drink turns into dinner. Then lunch a few days later, countless dinners follow after. It’s strange, he’s the leader of a rough and tumble biker gang but he’s nothing but kind and gentle with you. The only time he’d ever laid a hand on you was to protect you from a drunk idiot who’d thought it’d be fun to rile up some Howlies. When the drunk had made a pass at you Steve had yanked you away from the man and behind him. You didn’t hear what he said to the man but his message was clear. Get out.

“You didn’t have to terrify the poor man Rogers.” You grumble as Steve turns toward you

“I won’t have anyone messin’ with my girl.” He’d growled back, sitting back down and pulling you into his lap. You settle into him then whisper into his ear,

“I love you Steve Rogers.”

“Yea?” He smirks then kisses you before whispering back, “Good. Cuz I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you the moment you leapt onto my bike and told me to fucking drive.”

“You’re never going to let me live that one down are you?”

“Not until the day I die Doll.”

“May that be when we’re old and boring.” You tell him lifting his beer to your lips and taking a drink.

“I’ll drink to that Doll.” He laughs before taking the drink from you. He sets it down then presses his lips to yours.

With him you know life is never going to be boring.

[wolfandhappiness]

To “Anna Tatsumaki J.”

Oui oui, tres bien. Mais, je non parle francais...It’s awesome that you started to learn French. I actually took a semester of French for shits and giggles...and Japanese, and Italian too. Forgot them all by now though.

Regarding the snail mail that we’ve been exchanging, i actually find the occasional inbox notification kinda fun in a sense.

I don’t know how it is going in America, but over here, it is starting to get a little chaotic with the Corona virus and all that jazz. Not that the situation is bad, just that people are getting more paranoid by the day. Crazy how people can be in these kind of situation really.

Great to hear that you have a new girlfriend. And don’t worry, I'm sure you can make it works. As for my life; I am in a fresh relationship too, around five months in already. Though at this stage in life, marriage is a real possibility now. Kind of freaky when you actually have to stare reality in the face - Like flipping to a brand new chapter and leaving behind a major chunk of your life so far. I have a best friend, whom I've know for probably 14 years already, and he got married recently too. Best wedding ever by the way; Viking style - we got people drunk and puking, people running around dancing and singing...A dude even manage to cut his hand and bleed so much that when my friend's wife returned her wedding dress, there was blood on it.

But yea, it is such a strange strange feeling; like seeing time literally flying by. I occasionally get flash back of past experiences, much like seeing your life flashing before your eyes. But in this case, every time I think of the future to come, I just get visions of my life and people who was and still is with me. I saw my friends and I as teenagers with our crazy plans, our foolish games, our hopeless pursuit of girls...But I mostly get stuck on those who was and no longer is...

I might be going on a ramble here and tell you a story, but you probably wouldn't mind too much right? 

I actually have two best friends - Wouldn't be an exaggeration when I say that these two made me who I am. The one above who just got hitched (Bear), and the other is a girl (Crow) who simply disappeared. The latter leaves me semi-obsessed to this day. I don't handle people leaving very well. She isn't dead though, I believe...it’s just that one day she decided that she had enough.

Oh the story I could tell you about Crow, one of the most crazy to live, crazy to die, an embodiment of wanderlust, and outright the most selfish person that I've ever known...yet how I admire her deeply.

I first knew her near the end of senior in high school. Crow was a rebel at that time, riding a BMWs motorcycle, smoking red label Marlboro cigarettes and some tattoos here and there. She got me through some tough time, and literally straighten me up in a lot of ways - she is brutal when it comes to her criticism. There were a time when we got infatuated with one another, but I was doing my study in the US, and she was just traveling all around the world so I never got a chance to develop my feelings. And as if fate would have it, we would always miss each other: When I went to Europe to try and see her, she went to North America; when I went back to America, she just made her way up to Banks Island, Canada with the Inuit people; and when I finally came home to Vietnam after college, Bear told me that she had just left the country three days earlier - One night, Bear got a call from an unknown number at 3 a.m., and it was Crow, telling him that she was at the airport, and was about to leave the country for a long long time, talking about something along the line of wanting to die socially. The thing about Crow is that she always stay true to her plan, so she vanished. No goodbye, no phone call, no letters of explanation, nada...

Then about a year ago, Bear and I got an anonymous Amazon cardboard box from the Post (we don't have Amazon in Vietnam). Inside is a book for Bear - The Castle by Kafka; and a lunch bag from a hotel in Grand Canyon for me...Inside the bag was a fossilized drift wood shaped like a Crow skull, and a small compass that I've gave Crow quite some time ago. It even took me a while after I've opened the bag to remember that it was my gift.

The compass itself has the quote "Not all those who wanders are lost" engraved, and it was meant to be a charm for Crow during those traveling days of hers. Bear and I just took it as a message from Crow saying she was alive and "No longer worried about being lost"...We also concluded that she was probably somewhere in California.

The last conversation I had with her, I actually wanted to just drop everything that I was doing, so she and I can just go traveling together - I was sick of my life at the time. Crow entertained the idea for a bit but eventually shot me down, saying she didn't want to be held accountable for my life too. 

It was kind of a slap in the face when the news of her disappearance came afterward. 

To this day, I still don't really know if I was in love with her at the time or not, but I knew that I held her very dear, and the way she left leaves me without closure. I dream of Crow every now and then still, mostly at random without any trigger of sort. Crow came in all shape and sizes in those dreams - sometime she was a blonde boy, sometime a stuffed crow on the wall, sometime she was a really young Asian girl, and other times I can only hear her voice...I can vividly remember one of those dream, where she appeared and ask me why after all this time, I still haven't found happiness (I have never even questioned my happiness before at this point) And this pushed me to stop obsessing over her and start trying at an actual relationship again...Funny how even when she isn't around, she can still whip me back to shape huh?

A week ago, I dreamt of her again. Which is probably the reason why I wanted to share the story to you now. In the dream, I was back to my old-self, the days when I was still willing to leave everything behind and go with Crow to god-knows-where. And in that same dream, she shot me down again. Waking up afterward, I felt devastated and guilty...I love my current girlfriend, and I am willing to take responsibility toward our relationship when the time do come. But I guess part of me just never got over the past, of what could have been. 

And in the midst of all the what-ifs is Crow; the image of her standing at the bus station in the dead of winter, waiting for a bus to Banks Island with a red label Marlboro cigarette in hand. She is the biggest closure I am unable to obtain.

And perhaps the saddest thing is that...Between me and Crow, I'm probably the only one who remains stuck like this. But of course, being a self-proclaimed intellect, I know what I have to do to keep going forward. I have always ran head first into every difficult situation that I have had, since I hate looking away and ignoring my problems. But in this situation, without any way to find Crow and have closure, my only choice is to forget and move on (regardless of how much I hate it.)

...

Somehow I ended up writing a god-damn novel here. But I just wanted to write it all down somehow, and you, my dear Anna, just happened to be unlucky enough to bear the brunt of my long tales.

To finally answer your question, aside from the sentimentality I displayed in this mail, my life is actually going well - Steady job; my relationship with my girlfriend is still going strong; and even amidst the pandemic, I remain relatively unaffected. 

I really do wish you the best, Anna. Hope you live true and wild my friend...And to quote one of my favorite lines in a movie: 

“Have no ragrets...Not even a letter"  

Yes, the misspelling is intentional

W

[jigglyones]

Jiggly: The Chicken Cutlets

Great for the circles under your eyes

The Chicken Cutlets - This One’s For The Birds

The silicone bra became known as the Chicken Cutlets due to it’s real-life hen honker look and feel. It’s also called the Invisible Bra, and it does look invisible on a person with my skin tone. The cutlets started as silicone inserts that came in two colors to match an average white or dark girl’s skin tone and added a more “real” pad for their bosom. They became wildly popular and there are several funny videos and images of women obviously forgetting their life-like pink chewies actually aren’t attached. Here’s a couple of my favorites:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FRUA2jKbtg

Later companies added removable shoulder straps and adhesive, similar to the Free Bra, taking it from a popular meat puppet enhancer to the chic-filet bra of your dreams. Even with all the extra utensils, this bra gets a 3 out of 10 on the Fluffy Pillow Scale, because it’s fowl (By now you know me, you see where this is going...) 

PROS

This bra has endless possibilities; but it’s best used when chilled. Use it as a soft squishy pillow on a warm day. Put it over your eyes and eliminate circles, while recalling your view from the womb. If you freeze it completely, use it to pack a lunch and keep food fresh all day long. I like to keep some at my desk fully frozen and just when my boss throws stuff at me, to do,  I chuck one of these at the door, threatening her life. We all have a chuckle afterwards. 

But the fun doesn’t stop there, use them to ice sports injuries. You can never have too many frozen cutlets around the house, it seems like someone is always in need of an iced cha cha. 

For the outdoorsy types, keep the bird bazoongas at room temperature. Then lay them with the adhesive side up. This will become your most sexiest fly/mosquito trap. No more getting bit with the chick-tit at your bench. 

FINE, SERIOUS PROS...

Let me get this part over with; it covers the knobs and holds your mamas in place. It’s also strapless so you aren’t restricted in anyway, as far as breathing goes.  Also, it is easy to clean, just swip, swipe, wipe and put it away. That’s it. So I can’t be formally sued (That’s a rule, right?)

CONS

This thing is a no-go! Men don’t even like them. And why would they? They are creepy AF (AF means, And Funny.. for all my snowflakes, lol). 

Oh how I hate this bra, let me count the ways: 

1) Just holding it is so weird. I felt like the mass murderer from saw, as I held this dismembered bird boob and felt it’s gelatinous quiver tickle my hand. Ewww. 

4) It is heavy. So it actually doesn’t adhere well and weighs down your boobs, it holds them in place if you wear something tight over it, but it holds them at a lower place. So while your beams may be held tight, they are held tight down, not up, which is a little uncomfortable. It’s like that 50 year-old married guy that hits on you and says he wishes he met you first because you’re more, “on his level” than his wife. No, I’m not on your scummy level, Tim.  Kope Cung Kah That’s Thai for, “Thanks, now piss off.

4+) Because the bra is so heavy the adhesive is stickier than the Free Bra, but it doesn’t stick as well. So this means it doesn’t stay in place like it should and yet it hurts more to peel off. This bra is the worst of all worlds, why didn’t they just say that in the infomercial? We all could have saved some time. 

6) It produces a little bit of sweat, this makes it less sticky and stinks. Silicone doesn’t absorb anything, so it doesn’t get dirty and that’s lovely, but it smells like a two day old chicken cutlet by the time you get home. You end up feeling like a bachelors microwave. He was going to just heat up something real quick, then his friend came over and they started playing Halo. Now the chicken breast will sit there until he heats up his left over pizza in four days. 

10) It’s not comfortable.The strap clips end up poking and prodding until I wonder if I’m being skewered. You’re the cutlet, not me, you featherless clucker-cupcake. Also it itches. I felt like a hen with lice, always itching and moving, etc. 

12) There is no support, you can’t bounce, jump or take flight with this airbag holster. 

15) And last, but certainly not least, as seen on TV, they will fall out! Don’t be another dropped, chicken nugget casualty. 

Look, I can do math, I realize that this list doesn’t seem to add up to 15, but doesn’t it feel like 15 to you? I wore this bra for 7 days and it felt like double that. 

ENLIGHTENMENT

Men and women alike seemed to appreciate my silhouette more, in this silicone valley. When I wore dresses especially, one of my guy friends proclaimed, “Why are you so perky today.” Apparently, he does an assessment of how my breasts are looking each day. My girl friends would do the same, “Ooh la la, what are you all dressed up for?” I wear a uniform, so my clothes were the same, and whether they realized it or not, it was just my bust that was different. 

One night I was riding on the back of a motorcycle with a friend of mine. We got to our destination after a half hour and he asked loudly, “What’s up with your boobs hitting my back? They feel weird.” He cringed when he said it. So even through my shirts and his shirt, it felt different from my real boobs, different from bra padding...so, NOT REAL! 

I laughed out loud and explained what it was. He’s fully aware of my bra project and asked a sweetly, naive question, “Why do girls wear those falsies? I don’t walk around with a cucumber in my pants because eventually she’s going to know the truth.” I thought about this over the rest of the day, and here is the answer to that question. 

Women wear falsies because it gives them more attention, and they have no intention of you or anyone else finding out the truth. Even women complimented me more in this bra, I appreciated the attention.

See a man fluffs up his income, persona, looks, yada yada, all to get lucky. Like a turkey during mating season, they do their dance to get their chance. But women are different. We generally have no interest in the mating ritual. We do if we like/love/want to be with a guy. But “a night out on the town,” the drinks men buy, the compliments they give, that’s just to feed our ego so we can go home and know we are prettier than our friend Leticia, because no one bought her drinks, and serves her right, she forgot my birthday. But I digress...

The point is, in general, we are going home alone, by choice, happily and men will never know the truth. That’s the best part. We will always be that adorable big busted chick in the bar that you almost had. And we will gratefully think of you and your compliments as we slip out of our stupid high heels and put on our granny panties, to climb into our hug bed and hug our pillows. 

Bottom line chickadees, get your compliments from something more substantial - false boobs are false compliments, and truthfully, compliments on real boobs, are too.

I feel a rant coming on....

RANT

You know what? I’m so sick of having new things to compete with! Not only do I have to compete with other normal, beautiful women; but also with models, who were historically designed from the bodies of 12 year-old boys (Yea, look it up). Then, I have to compete with plastic surgery victims (it is surgery), and cartoon characters that don’t even have real body parts, and now animals? Everything in magazines and parties lately are sexy animal themes. Costumes with sexy cat ears, hot unicorn hooves, a tail, I guess that’s a thing? And now these cockle-doodle-doo melon halter?

No! Enough is enough! I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want the hips of a boy child, or the ears of a sphinx, or the butt of a baboon, and certainly don’t want chicken jello molds hanging on my fried eggs. It’s over! It’s enough...it’s time to just accept that we have an obligation to take excellent stewardship over our livestock bodies. But beyond that, it was God’s choice and you trying to look like a f’ing giraffe not only corrupts your mind, but your body too.  

My Paula Abdul moment, when I wear classes inside and think my bra is chicken. I love being a star!