#yea there were some cringey cheesy parts but it was still good! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

elde-goss · 5 years ago

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Ok I’m typing this here because I don’t know who is gonna read it but maybe someone will and I don’t really care whether or not they react to this but I guess the idea of someone listening, either a stranger or someone I know, is something I need I guess? I don’t want to bring it up to one specific person because I feel like recently my life has just been a series of me being upset and venting to people and you reach a point where you’re not sure if they start thinking “wow is this the only reason you ever come talk to me”. Ok so right now I’m crying in my bed hoping my mom doesn’t walk in, because if she does she’ll definitely pry as to what’s on my mind, which is good I guess, like at least it shows she cares and people know not all moms are like that so at least I have that going for me! (Albeit she has her flaws but at least she cares). So why am I typing here again? No it’s not because I don’t think my friends don’t want to listen, I”m sure they do, in fact I’ve been prompted by them to, but I think it’s for my own selfish reason that I guess I”m worried or scared or paranoid or maybe I”m even doubting them and maybe it all comes back down to my self esteem? (EDIT: If you’re a friend of mine reading this, I”m actually so sorry, like it’s not that I’m doubting you or anything, it’s literally just I feel awful bringing up the same stories over and over again) Btw I’m literally typing these thoughts as they pop into my head, I don’t even know if I’m going to post this by the time I’m done writing and crying my eyes out. I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated because I think there’s too much change happening in my life right now. I just finished university and as much as I complain about how much I hate my school, at least I had a routine and a place I could call home that I could return to, but now there’s so much unknown. The last time I moved was when I was 4 years old, and most of my friends moved through the same schools as me, so maybe I never really learned to cope with change. Since I was small I was easily homesick, maybe not for sleepovers, but going to events, far away from home for more than 2 nights would make me sob and feel sick inside. The same thing happened when I moved to university, I think that’s more common but it’s just another scenario in which this happened. I’m gonna move to New York City for work, which is amazing, like a dream come true, but I”m going alone and I have to fend for myself. Arguably, people r still gonna be online for me, and my home is like a 2 hour flight back (less) if I really needed to go home, but I guess I’m still scared, especially because I don’t know too many people in NYC. That’s just a small part of why I’ve been feeling like absolute shit for the past 2 weeks. The big bad evil is that, well... It’s a bit hard to describe and yet you can probably describe it in like 2 words. Having feelings for someone is the cringy-est thing ever, like I’m going to look back at what I’m doing and how I’m feeling in 2 years and be like ew bleh why the fuck were you like that (I say this because I have had a similar experience like 5 years ago yikes!!!!!) But I guess that’s what these kind of things do to you... You hear the stupid cheesy things in songs and poems and ur like lol cringe but then it starts happening. Like “When the song lyrics finally start to make sense” that whole quote, oh my god I hate it and it’s cringey as fuck, but I FEEL it, like I can RELATE, am I an angsty teenager?? jeeeez, maybe this is like why I can’t talk to people about it lol... but it’s true, listening to music, and actually focusing on the lyrics, I get it, I get that feeling of loneliness, that feeling of excitement, that feeling of anxiety, that feeling of wanting something, and it’s absolutely revolting but I get it (I’m listening to Dark Blue by Jack’s Mannequin as I’m typing this btw you should listen to the song if you have never heard it!) Ok so, you have feelings for someone?? Yea I said that like a kajillion sentences ago but again I’m typing this as thoughts pop up so I’m gonna go on tangents. Yea, and like this is probably the main source of my turmoil, but like I don’t think it’s all. I had a bad experience with someone in High School in the sense that I was an awful person when it came to something similar like this. I was, to put it simply, a pretty toxic person. I did things, now thinking back that I would not say were acceptable no matter what. If I was the person I was crushing on, I would have blocked and removed all contact lol. BUT, I was lucky enough that person saw past that and we’re still the closest of friends, and for that I thank the world and truly feel fortunate. But these similar feelings have returned, I’m at least acknowledging these feelings and am trying to do something about it before I actually do something bad or say something bad, and truth be told, I think everything I’ve done so far has been good, like I’ve avoided making those past mistakes. But avoiding those mistakes and letting this consume is painful. It’s absolutely painful and it’s horrible because that’s all my mind can think about. It’s worse cuz in quarantine, there’s really not much to do so my mind can easily wander off to that direction. And I”m trying to distract myself, I haven’t picked up a book in years and now I”m reading. I’m cleaning my room to forget about things. But it’s still the same shit, I pick up my phone, check if I got a message from this person and then put the phone down. Why am I so obsessed with responding asap? They can wait. I’ve waited for them. But no, my mind tells me otherwise, I have to be asap otherwise they’ll just find someone else better than you. And honestly? Maybe that would be better, to be forgotten, to be left. At least then I could accept it and be done with it after crying to literally everyone about it. But hey, at least I would be on the path of healing, the path of recovery. Instead I’m in the middle of the ocean, treading water, unsure of which direction I”m supposed to go because I’m a dumb BITCH. Sorry that was my attempt at being poetic which is also something I cannot stand when I’m like this, like shut the fuck up @ me... jesus... any way so what’s the story? The story is that I started talking to someone about half a year ago because I was alone in san francisco on an internship and honestly i was just casually talking to people online, not even like in a romantic sense, but just like making friends. Then I came across this person. THey had a pretty public profile, and they were really attractive, so I followed them, not expecting anything because like they were pretty freaking popular. But one day, maybe a week after I followed them, they sent a message to me out of the blue commenting on something we had similar taste in. And obviously I responded because in my head I��m like “wow attractive person talking to ME??? ok”. So we talked, maybe once a week, maybe once every 2 weeks... It wasn’t often, and I literally felt nothing about it, they were just someone I talked to on occasion who lived a very different lifestyle than I did, but that was ok because maybe it was refreshing? Btw they’re from like a different continent lol (as you can see that’s one of the problems with this story ahahahah). And honestly? That was the case for a long time... Then quarantine happened. I think places in Europe shut down first so they probably didn’t have lots to do so they started messaging me more often, we’d talk about random things and it was fun, but still I just thought this was someone, who was attractive, who occasionally messaged me. And like I say they’re attractive over and over again because that’s exactly what I thought, but I truly do not believe I felt anything at that point. But then, quarantine started happening here too, and I guess I had more time to think, to let my mind wander. It was about 2 weeks ago, I then realized, oh shit, I think, I might like this person more than I had originally thought. And like it was true, it started off as a small spark, but then the whole forest caught on fire. It consumed me. I started judging their actions, why didn’t they comment on my post but comment on other people’s? Why didn’t they send me a message yet? What are they doing right now? Are they ever thinking about me? WHat do they think about me? What even are we. I’m skipping some details about some of the stuff we shared but you can probably tell by this sentence that we weren’t really just “friends”. But This person I felt like had different ideas of what they were looking for. At some point, it felt like they were talking to me out of convenience. It was the idea of me that was nice, not me. As long as they had someone else to talk to or whatever, I wasn’t really necessary. Ok see what I mean by these toxic thoughts? This is exactly what I’m talking about, like bitch, who are you to assume what they’re doing. You don’t know, you can’t know. And even if it was true, you’ve never met in person, you can’t actually be there for them if needed. You’re just someone online. You’re basically anonymous. Whatcan you do? And... These are true. What can I do? I’m not their best friend I”ve known for 10 years. I’m not even there to give them a hug when they need it. They recently started opening up to me about their personal issues, I learned some things that scared me, and somethings that made me want to cry for them. And it really hit me. I really am powerless. I can never be there for them like other people can at a closer proximity. I don’t know what I have going for me. I’m not attractive like some of the people that talk to them. I don’t have history with them. I don’t even think they pay too much attention to me to be completely honest. Admittedly, they talk to me first a lot. Like initiate conversation. But it’s usually for, what I would consider selfish reasons (there are reasons why I say that but I can really talk about it here lol). And whenever I talk to them, it’s very minimal response. Do people all feel the same way Ido when they like someone? Is it always, I want to talk to you? I wonder... if that’s the case then this person definitely isn’t interested. But is that even a problem? If it’s impossible for anything to happen, it’s better that only one of us is hurt while the other continues on with life, oblivious to the feeling. I realized somethings that I was doing even though I was hurting, I kept my mouth shut, were things that I did to protect them in a way. Maybe not protect them, but I didn’t want them to feel more pain than they already did. This person, I could literally block them on social media and there would be no way they could find me, that would be it. It’s that easy, I can just pull the trigger and we could be done forever and I could move on. But I just can’t. And like those cringey songs, or poems or quotes or whatever the fuck. I realized I’m doing things or avoiding things and letting myself suffer because I think I truly do care for this person. Ew ugh bleh gross disgusting, please if you read this long ass story don’t talk to me about these dumb things I just said because I hate this, it’s just I wanted to write it out because I wanted this ... vent? to be completley genuine and me not holding back at all of how I feel. Any way, I’m going to stop here. I’m supposed to call someone ... 9 minutes ago but I did tell them I’d be like 15 minutes late so I’m good. I hope if you made it to this point of the story, you don’t think any less of me and I hope you found the read interesting... I do feel better I think. Recently I thought I was getting over this person but then the feelings got back. But right now, I feel the feeling of “getting over” even though it’s only slightly, I feel a bit more at ease... Any way I hope this all falls into place soon because I’m exhausted.

#delete #this is long

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