#yay for my bank account. not as yay for the absolute TEENAGER levels of time i had on hand to work on this blog the past couple months

[askbensolo]

There are definitely worse people you could be interested in, that’s for sure haha. Though Ben, there’s something you should seriously think about before you do anything else that might help clear things up. Unfortunately, it requires you to think about *shudders* The Future

Picture yourself down the line. How do you feel if you imagine yourself married/otherwise committed (romo or QPR), in general or to Fannie? What does that look like? Do you want kids or not? How would you feel if Fannie said she did or didn’t want kids? If you do, they’ll likely be Force Sensitive like you two — would you want them to train to be Jedi or not? Her being a Jedi and someone who does social work — it isn’t necessarily always safe. How do you feel about the thought of her getting hurt? How about her traveling for work, potentially leaving you at home, or you traveling with her? What about her connection with the Force? Not to sound like your mother, but Snoke used the Force to groom you essentially — what if he tries to get to you through her? What about family — if both of you keep contact with your families, she’ll be involved in Organa-Solo-Skywalker drama and politics and tabloids, and you’ll have slaves as sisters-in-law and a slaver as a father-in-law. Both of you have trauma and hard pasts — how do you feel about letting her really see yours? How do you feel about really seeing hers?

And what about the boring stuff? How do you feel about doing taxes together, drying dishes, washing the farts out of the bedsheets five, ten, twenty years down the line?

Think about it, man. If you don’t hate the answers to whatever questions you ask yourself, if you think you’ll be happier with the mess than without? Well why not give it a try?

(And again, trust me dude, literally flying solo is great, but if you’re gonna date, dating her would probably work out a LOT better for you than if you date someone else)

Listen. I’m not advocating for pre-alcoholic coping behaviors. All I’m saying is…staring down THIS particular krayt dragon of an ask? Got a WHOLE LOT easier after two shots of the finest Corellian brandy. And when I say “the finest,” I am of course speaking facetiously, because I’m referring to whatever swill that was that Treeso left in the pantry when he moved out. My dad would be so disappointed—but whatever, he ain’t here. Help me, cheap liquor. You’re my only hope.

Mmkay. Come here, Future. Look me in the eyes. I’m not frickin’ scared. TAKE ME.

How do I feel when I imagine myself married? Previously, I felt terrified beyond all belief, but now that I’ve had some time to let the concept marinate—weird, but not bad. Married in general? Neutral. Married to Fannie specifically? Mildly positive. What’s it look like? Similar to our June on Naboo, I guess. Being a team and doing stuff together around the house and hanging out. Probably fighting too apparently, but I mean…have you witnessed the parents who have borne and raised me?

Do I want kids? Currently: no. But, hey. When I was a kid I was terrified of moving out of my parents’ house and I did that and I was scared to get a job and I did that and I never thought I’d start working out but I do that and I NEVER thought I’d date but now I just might, so who the heck knows? Maybe I’ll be a dad someday and my kids will be only slightly less messed up than I am. As for Fannie I already know she wants kids because she’s my friend and I know that about her so I guess if she wanted kids we’d have kids and if the kids were Force-sensitive I’d let the kids decide whether or not they wanted to be Jedi because I grew up under an expectation that I would become one and that wasn’t a good experience and if Fannie was like, “No, they have to be Jedi” I’d…well, we’d have to have a Discussion about that.

How do I feel about Fannie getting hurt? Bad. What if she had to relocate? Guess I'd go with her. What if Snoke tries to get to me through her? I said it before and I'll say it again, I don't think I have any use to him anymore so I'm confident he'll be leaving me the heck alone.

Fannie getting involved in our family drama—I think she can handle that. She doesn't really seem to follow galactic gossip or stuff that happens on the holonet. Could I handle her family—I think so? I've never met them I guess we'd just have to see. Yeah I think we could handle each other's trauma. We've been friends for a long time and I think we already know most things about each other at this point anyway. She was the one who told my parents about Snoke, even though I didn't want her to at the time, and she's told me a lot about her family back on Ryloth even if I've never met them.

Doing chores together sounds...nice.

You really think she's that special, huh? I mean...yeah, she kinda is. She's really sweet. And kind. The first friend I made at Luke's school. She's been through fire but it turned her into one of the bravest, wisest people I know. She cares so much about people. She's gentle and quiet but the first one to look you in the eyes with a smile and a hello if you don't know anyone around, and she will always fight for what's right, and she has this habit of apologizing for things you were never even bothered by but she'll say she felt the need to apologize because she recognized her heart wasn't in the right place. She loves her family so much in a way that puts me to shame, and she can always find hope and joy and goodness in the worst of times...

And she's beautiful, the way she smiles, the way her nose crinkles when I make a bad joke, the way her big brown eyes hold a mirror to the stars, the way her lekku hang when she stands at the stove with her back to me, how incredibly stupid she looked when she was dancing and didn't know I was there...

And the way she looks at me. Like I'm someone. Not because of who my parents are or because I run a galaxy-famous blog (just kidding) or because I'm a hot gym boi now. Nah, she just likes me. For some reason. And the way I feel when she looks at me like that, I wish I could put it in a bottle and hold onto it for those nights when everything is way too quiet and I'm losing my mind...

...Maybe the third shot of brandy was a mistake. I didn't think I liked her this much.

…Like her? Nah, I love her.

Yeah…I love her.

And I’m starting to think…that you don’t figure out whether you’re in love with someone. You…decide whether you’re in love with someone.

Well…I’ve decided that I am.