#yavien rambles

[otto-von-stirlitz]

this picrew and this quiz, tagged by @svantetic, tagging @scalematey, @goblin-woman, @otemporaetmores, @tresq, @deadblanket, @alexrrr, @chirpchirpmuahaha and whoever wants to do this meme.

[otto-von-stirlitz]

I really enjoyed this week's Shogun episode, especially its focus on female characters, their backstory, familial ties, ambitions and role in the political game of the series. Big fan of Ochiba-no-Kata (historical Yodo-Dono/Chacha) as a character and her childhood friends-to-political rival camps dynamic with Mariko (historical Hosokawa Gracia). Speaking of whom, i'm always a sucker for The Yearning and here that one hand graze...

Also between that series and Blue Eye Samurai and their diff sex and sex-work coverage I actually want to read some solid academic work on actual norms and attitudes towards sex and sex work in 17th cent Japan (if anyone on here happens to know then please rec)

[otto-von-stirlitz]

so i started testosterone hrt and it took two 25mg gel doses to trigger a really strong and painful cystic acne flareup (in menstrual cycle phase that usually doesnt give me those). and yes, i knew ~acne worsening~ is a T effects, but also i feel like there is a difference between “regular” acne and cystic acne like mine and i only have seen transmascs (both public and my friends) from the first group talk abt it (the only public person i know that talked about having cystic acne specifically is rowan ellis in her acne video). like its ultimately something managable they can live with. for real, for me the worst thing is not self image or whatever, its literal fucking pain that keeps my mind constantly thinking about it, and a desire to scratch open several-cm2-big bumps until its a tissue hole, a gaping deep wound that reaches to the source of pain that feels like its at least a cm below. experiencing it once a month (and if i make those wounds they will take weeks to recover) is already awful so the thought of having it constantly is dreadful. rn no possible mental benefits of t can outweigh the fucking pain and wounds and i keep telling myself that my gender is not my hormones (and well the hormones will have to change so i dont skin-suffer, but probably the t-suppression direction). also this is not the terf-adjacent grifting of “look at the IRREVERSIBLE DAMAGE testosterone made me bald and not conventionally hot”, fuck those people. its a personal vent. i just lost at the genetic skin lottery and tbh i sometimes do feel like its literally disabling me, and not in the way ppl may think when they hear “acne” and it is a very solitary and untalked and alienating and quiet suffering experience.

[otto-von-stirlitz]

we need a new “everyone is beautiful and no one is horny” but specifically for tv shows about teens, like how do br*tish shows like derry girls or my mad fat diary cast adults and make them look awkwardly teen and act believably, including being obviously horny but in such an awkward teen way vs how american shows treat “high school” as a background for fashionably styled adults making out and having sex in such a bland hollywood way of filming and writing it you know

[otto-von-stirlitz]

subscribing to the dracula daily newsletter to experience the book like a fancy victorian lady being handled press with the newest chapter of her favorite serialized novel by her faithful servant

[otto-von-stirlitz]

girls, gays and goths: i cooked the paprikahendl that gave Jonathan ‘queer dreams’ (with polish dumplings instead of hungarian ones bc the store didnt have those in stock), bless dracula daily for diversifying my diet and cooking skills.

[otto-von-stirlitz]

thinking about how it seems to be generally picked up on that Wu Zetian is disabled rep in Iron Widow but not talked that much abt the /kind/ of disability? I mean it as a chronic pain of feet that makes walking hard if not impossible and if you havent gone through it you have no idea how much feet, especially toes can hurt. also thinking abt how various foot issues seem to be pretty common based on the medical descriptions/stats and how our society tends to hide those p well and coat them in shame (while iron widow society actively celebrates womens broken feet), so seeing a foot disability talked openly about in a YA novel surprised me positively a lot? or maybe am i overthinking bc my own chronic condition (it has a different origin, but it still is a painful and often bloody infected mess) has been flaring up recently while i await treatment. still, feeling represented in painful feet gang i guess.

[otto-von-stirlitz]

if anyone told 2014 me that in 2022 i would use tumblr to daily go insane over mcr concert tour liveblogs and photos, especially photos of gway being bizarre and queer in their little costumes such as a catgirl and a cheerleader, and also that they are all so happy to be there performing, i would NOT believe believe them on so many levels

[otto-von-stirlitz]

this hell by rina sawayama is an objecttively great song too bad i just happen to be a freshly-broken-up-with queer so im just weary_wojak.jpg going to hell alone and not “going to hell to have gay fun with my s.o.“

[otto-von-stirlitz]

i am NOT apologizing for the upcoming mcr spam yes i did just see them live yes i did have the time of my life

[otto-von-stirlitz]

thinking about how ublock origin is an anticapitalist godsend and it def protects my brain from propaganda but still watching a lot of youtube i cant escape the sponsored fragments, you know, people who do a fun thing suddenly turning into bleak-eyed salespeople reciting same formulas and trying to add the corporate approved “personal touch” of “the flavor that i enjoy” and shit. and how those awful fragments are the only way they can devote time to doing the other 95% of the video in question and how all economy is all about ads for those biggest fucking corpos i cant there is no escape

[otto-von-stirlitz]

hey rmr when discworld canonically had a plural system rep and of course it was in the witches series. with agnes+perdita a) being able to harmonize with themself and sing in a duet b) resisting vampire charms because there are two of them and not one charmed one

[otto-von-stirlitz]

j. posting abt the little mermaid (the animated film) reminds me smth abt my opinions abt various adaptations of the little mermaid. it partially stems from my childhood Original Variant Purist act and is abt that - strongly preferring the og andersen ending (the mermaid refuses to kill the prince and dies, but earns a sort of magical-purgatory chance of earning the soul and going to heaven). ommiting the obviously christian element was too sad, with “death in vain”, but giving a happy ending felt fake to child me, like talking down to a child who is into andersen because of the tragedies and sad endings and drama! a child who incidentally, will one day realize theyre queer and will have to work their issues with religious upbringing and associated guilt.

and so there is something to be said about andersen, a christian queer man in 19th century, who could only pine unreciprocably for another man and hope for and give significance to afterlife, howard ashman, a 20th century openly gay screenwriter consciously subverting very andersen ending of a queer tale into an act of queer joy in the middle of the aids epidemic that would kill him, and about me, who in retrospect must have been unconsciously refusing a possibility of queer joy in a homophobic country, let alone in the roman catholic church. and obviously gravitating towards Emotional Drama, but one that acknowledges the “moral dessert” of afterlife. and i still havent seen entire animated little mermaid from start to finish, but it took me a lot of growth and uprooting my entire worldview and moral system to appreciate the context of ashman’s movies and with that the underlying queer joy message. (but still having a soft spot for the dramatic repressed artistic queers of the past and their Dramatic Artwork, because despite being the 21st century person ive been there for too long. but finally i had chance to get out, which andersen and many others didnt have that readily waiting outside of their initial circumstances)

[otto-von-stirlitz]

also the way that i learned about the alcohol tasting genes is funny bc when i went to the local hackerspace there was a guy making homemade cola with many samples w different aroma oils proportions and i tasted some and was pretty well at describing aromas and differences btwn them. and i mentioned that its funny that im good at it bc my parents are into fancy wine and for me all the wines are just overwhelming alcohol fume and no fancy ass aromas and he was like “yeah it depends on the genes looks like you got two recessive copies” and i couldnt stop thinking abt it and googled it

[otto-von-stirlitz]

what do you do when someones vague “brokenness” of “why am i like this” unravels within days as a recollection of horrible unspeakable things from 20 years prior, complete with the ptsd, hypervigilance, grief over the hurt and feeling “no longer human”

when it literally flips two entire lives 180 and will flip a few more

when the truth sets you free in the most horrible way

when the hope and promise of change in the future was at the bottom of the pandoras box all along but all the bottled-up pain demands to be felt first and keeps lingering and suffocating because a week ago you could not even imagine this all happening and learning so much horrible things and feeling so many horrible things at once. cumulated and fermented for 20 years and let out so sudden

[otto-von-stirlitz]

yo im back. i couldnt reblog posts for like a few weeks i think and finally now it works (after i cleared the cookies a while ago, maybe this is why). im alive, i ran away to my gf (and live a calm nice life with her), i have a fuck ton of problems with my mother, ill start zoom uni in few days, customs and post offices hate me, poland is super struggling with 👑, i stay inside with gf 24/7 and now i can be back to regularly scheduled tumblr shitposting.