#yall aint given a fuck enough to pay attention

[knight-gwaine]

Apparently all of my exes have chosen December to be the one time of year they remember I exist lmfao, and all apparently think they got something important to say.

Sorry not sorry, but find me on TV like everybody else 🤚🏽😤 ya gots something to say, write it in a letter then burnt it lmao

And for this coming new year's resolution we clear away my history of toxic relationships for career growth and financial stabilityyyyyyyy

[theblackestthoughts-blog]

Crown Aint Worth Much

“You think that know about the West Side?” I looked at Quise and couldn’t stop laughing. He always asked the craziest questions. Whether it was in history class, or outside of school. His mind was so abstract. I always loved that about him. “Yo Ron, get your head outta the clouds, I asked you an important ass question!” exclaimed Quise. “Well hold the fuck up and let me give you an important ass answer!” I yelled back. I honestly had to think about it. We had always heard of folks over the bridge, but we’ve never seen them. As far as we knew, they were those the half animal half human creatures from Dr.Moreau. “Well, I would hope so. I mean I live on the West Side. So I’m pretty sure they must have heard a little something about us.” “Ron, if you don’t shut your big head ass up bro! I’m serious. This oratorical contest will be our first time going over the bridge in our whole lives. Don’t you think that’s something?” “Quise, stop worrying about superfluous shit. Bro, as long as you got your words down, everything will fall into place.” “I know bro, I know. I’m just a little scared. What if they don’t like us cuz we’re not from there?” “Bro, if they don’t like us because of where we came from, they aren’t the kind of people we should be wanting to impress.” “That’s true! Wait a damn minute, what did I tell you about using them big ass words again?” said Quise as he began to knock my cap off. “Matter of fact, they have too. Because I went over there before!” I said, remembering the story mom would tell me about how I met my grandparents. “Yeah, but you were a baby.” “I know, but I still went over there. I think my daddy might be there too.” “Well if he is, then we can both kick him in the knees when we see him.” We both laughed and headed back to my house. Honestly, it seemed like we were almost always heading back to my house. Momma and Ricky didn’t mind it. Honestly, I loved having a brother my age. Sometimes I wanted to ask him what happened at his aunt’s that night, but I didn’t want him to relive that shit. What kind of brother would I be if I actually asked him about his problems? I hope yall can tell that I was being sarcastic. That whole year we practiced. Our school only had 3 spots to go to Booke Prep for the finals. We would be competing against the best kids in our area. We knew that we were good. I mean, we made it to the finals. But, we had never heard the other kids go before. What if they knew more words than us? What if they had better clothes? What if they paid the judges off? Shit, everyone knows that the kids over the bridge were filthy rich. We had the hopes of everyone in our school weighing on our backs. It was the night before the competion, and me and Quise couldn’t sleep. I kept trying my best to close my eyes shut, but for some reason, a piercing light was burning them. I looked up, and I saw Quise going over his lines again. “Bro, don’t you know we gotta sleep?” “I know bro, I know. But I really need to win this.” “Bro, I’m trying to win this too.” “No bro, for me it’s different. I don’t have a family. I never knew my dad. My mom is out with God knows who. And I can’t go back with my aunt and them.” “I know bro. But my family is your family. You don’t have to win this to prove that to us. It’s not like you were going to beat me anyway.” As soon as I said that, I wished I could’ve taken it back. “You don’t think I know that bro? I know yall have love for me. And I know you’re better with big words. That’s why I’m writing a new poem.” “So you’re writing a poem the night before? How is that gonna give you a better chance bro?” “Bro, just trust me okay. Me and Ricky have been working on ideas for it for a little bit.” “Nigga you and Ricky? That nigga don’t even talk to me!” “I know bro, he used to didn’t talk to me too. But I showed him some my ideas and he said they were dope.” “Bro, you’re supposed to be my brother! What kind of shit is this?” “Bro, I didn’t know it was gonna be a big deal like this.” “It is tho. You know I don’t like him. If I don’t like him, you don’t either!” “That’s not really fair bro. I can have friends outside of you. Shit, he’s your brother. You should give him a chance.” “This conversation is over!” I said as I buried my face into my pillows. I couldn’t tell him what I saw that night. I couldn’t tell him that on the way to pick him up from his aunt’s house I saw Ricky selling drugs to his mom. He wouldn’t want to hear that. He was still telling the kids at school that she had moved out west and was looking for a place for them to move to. He wouldn’t want to know that his new “hero” was selling his mom poison. In the morning, mom had left our outfits on the couch in the living room. We stepped into our makeshift suits and were proud. Fine, the blazers had more patches than a girl scout. And we could the pants used to be blue, but now they were an almost ash grey. But it was all my mom could put together. As we were stepping out, Ricky stopped us. “Yall better not wear them ashy ass clothes. Here, take them off and wear these.” he said throwing a bag of clothes on the same couch. Quise ran over to the bag like Santa himself had dropped it down the chimney. And in a flash, he was dressed like what the Booke Prep kids might be wearing. “Hurry up and change Ron-Ron, yall gonna be late.” I put on the new clothes, but they didn’t feel right. I still felt dirty. We were probably walking around wearing something Quise’s mom paid for. But we had to look nice for the contest. “You think mom is gonna be mad?” “Why the hell would she be mad? Just hang the other clothes up in your closet, and she won’t have nothing to say.” I took both hangers and ran up the steps. I put the clothes in the closet, and on my way back down, I noticed that Ricky had left his room door unlocked. That could’ve been my chance to see what was in there. But, me and Quise were late enough. The walk to the bridge had never seemed too long. Most days, it was like a 10 minute, tops. But maybe the anticipation was getting to us. We were also wearing new shoes Ricky got us with his drug dealing money that we didn’t want to mess up. As we finally got over the bridge, it was easy to see that these folks didn’t live like us. The houses and the stores actually looked nice. There was barely any trash on the ground. And all of the people who would either try to sell us drugs or “the oils” were replaced with Christians trying to sell us their God. We thought there was a chance we got lost when we made it to the gates of the school. Not only was there a gate, but there was a huge intercom. We looked at the surroundings of the school and saw cameras almost everywhere. It was like we were in some sort of hi tech prison. “Are you guys here for the contest?” asked the voice from the intercom. “Well come right in.” the warm voice greeted. We followed the arrows that lead us to an auditorium, and we were given our numbers. And now, we waited. I tried my best not to pay attention to everyone else’s performances. But they were all amazing. And soon, it was Quise’s turn. I was worried. I wasn’t sure if he had gotten all the words down to his new poem, because he never shared it with me. But it was too late to try to help him now. Quise: Home Is where the heart is Well for me, it was where the hate was Cuz every time I stepped into the doors Niggas said “hey cuz” They knew what was happening when I went upstairs But they were so happy it wasn’t them So I couldn’t pay them to care The first time she touched me, she said that it was innocent The next time she touched me, she took my fucking innocence Etched into my mind, those memories won’t fade, they’re permanent And I used to fake a crooked smile I really used to play pretend I thought that if I let it happen once it wouldn’t happen again.. But it did And that made realize that with you, I wasn’t home Home is begging Ricky to hear your unfinished poems Home is your new mom giving you every ounce of love your bio fam couldn’t Home is you brother choosing to sleep on the floor with you instead of in his bed Home is the West Side Home is being surround by folks who really love me Home is staying up late writing poems with my best friend in the world All of those things? Yup that’s what home is to me The crowd erupted in applause. But I couldn’t. I hadn’t realized that my brother was going through some shit like that. I was really a fuck up. I was too busy being jealous of him and Ricky getting close, too busy trying to be the best at everything, and too busy not being a real friend to notice. I was just as bad as his aunt. As he stepped off the stage, he gave me a hug. And again, I felt dirty. I didn’t even feel like I deserved to be there. I was supposed to have Quise’s back. And I had let my big ass head get in the way of that. By the time they had called my name, I had decided I was going to choke. I mean I had to. Quise had to win. He had to let the world know that his voice mattered, and he had found his home. I stepped on the stage, and I saw Him. I hadn’t seen him in years. But, I could feel it. At the back of the auditorium was Ronald Jennings III, or as my mom would refer to him, “My No Good Rotten Ass Daddy”. He must really have lived just over the bridge all this time. I was excited. This meant that I had to do my best. And then in came his new family. I felt like the same scared little kid all over again. The same pain I felt when he left rushed all over me. I had felt weak. It felt like I had crossed the bridge for nothing. But I couldn’t let that happen. I thought of the words to the poem, but they didn’t seem to feel right anymore. I had to make a new one, even if that meant I messed up. Hmmmmm Here you are In this room Looking just like yourself A sorry excuse for a person A sorry excuse for a man A sorry excuse of… Matter of fact, I can’t even go there with you, because half of you is me You see, without you I’ve grown I stopped crying to mom asking when you were gonna come back I stopped trying to achieve well in school to make you proud Because you know what, I realized I can just do that for myself I am not that scared little west side boy anymore That’s what you wanted me to say right? I know exactly why you left You were afraid You didn’t want to be a father so young, so you ran away from your family You left us to starve And now I can finally look you in the face and say Thanks! Thanks for not being a part of my life Cuz I’d be damned if I had a man like you for a father And with that I walked off stage. The rest of the night seemed like a blur. But me and Quise walked home with our trophies proudly. What place we scored? It didn’t matter, cuz a crown aint worth much. What mattered is that we stood for what we believed in. We stood for our home. West Side forever!