#y'all the last 24 hours i had were insane

[lorelune]

also hi. what the fuck is up.

[realtalk127]

alright fuck it. i can't sleep and i need to talk about this scene from the last episode of critical role.

because holy shit if this ain't some of the best rp – nay, storytelling in general – that i've ever seen. (buckle up, it ain't gonna be short.)

laudna: i made you a doll. because dolls are for children. and you're a child.

the way she says this is not nice! it's biting, it's snarky. she definitely seems to mean it as an insult – and she probably does! – at first. but laudna's idea of a child is much more expansive than just a cheep insult, as she makes clear shortly.

then ashton's response: i've never had a doll before. this is the nicest thing anyone's ever given me.

i don't know if this reaction melts laudna a little (if it does, she doesn't show it visibly), or maybe she was already coming to the conversation with a more nuanced definition of 'child', but either way, the conversation shifts immediately – and the next two sentences clarify where they're both coming from here.

laudna: i like children. // ashton: i don't.

she likes children! and we knew this, of course. marisha, the god of intentional rp showed us this within the first few moments of laudna's screen-time way back in episode 1. but still! it's worth repeating. despite the bite of her initial comment to ashton, she doesn't necessarily mean it as an insult. i don't know that we could entirely call it a compliment, given the context, but at the very least, i think she intended it as a point of connection.

after all, our data re: Laudna And Kids is not limited to that one scene from episode 1. there's also the parallel scene that mirrors it (with a happier ending) back in episode 38, when laudna first visits the sun tree after her resurrection. we also know (via a 4sd episode that i don't care to dig up right now) that laudna had another friend before imogen, who was a little girl.

and i think it's that little girl that's the most important piece here. we don't know anything about that story except that she exists, but i'm willing to read between the lines and make an assumption that laudna – on average – has better luck getting children to be kind to her (when they've not yet been taught to be cruel) than with adults. there is an innocence there that laudna needs! she needs people who haven't been hardened by assumptions and pre-judgements and all that bullshit. for laudna there is safety – both emotional and literal physical safety – in a childlike perspective.

ALL THAT TO SAY: laudna's associations with childhood are, generally, positive. for a variety of reasons.

but!

ashton's are NOT.

ashton's childhood sucked. from the jump. he was a part of a shitty cult that he barely remembers, and after that they were in an ophanage. their associations with childhood are overwhelmingly negative, and likely associated with feelings of helplessness and loneliness.

whether or not laudna intended that original comment ('you're a child') as an insult, we can pretty safely assume ashton took it as one.

they continue:

ashton: they're awful. // laudna: they're not.

NOW, we're getting into the meat of it. where before they were dancing around a metaphor, it becomes immediately clear what's really being talked about here. ashton is saying 'i'm awful', and laudna is emphatically saying 'no you're not.'

which! first of all, is so insanely generous of her. after what ashton just put her through less than 24 hours ago, laudna has every reason to affirm ashton's assertion that they are, in fact, awful. but she doesn't. ashton knows this, which is why he amends his original statement:

ashton: they can be.

they're saying: perhaps i can concede that i am not always awful, but let's at least agree that sometimes (like specificaly, oh, i don't know, LAST NIGHT) i can be.

laudna: you should remember what it's like to be one.

ashton: i do. it wasn't great.

the LAYERS, y'all. the LAYERS. the important thing here is that it's all in the context of that first comment: you're a child. which is, critically, a statement made in the context of ashton's decisions the previous night. they're talking in generalities here, but they're mostly talking about last night.

so!

when laudna says they should remember what it's like to be one [a child], she also means: you were a child last night, but not in a cool, whimsical way, just in a shitty, immature way. AND! when ashton says they remember, and that it wasn't great, they're saying they know they fucked up last night, but all they know of childhood is an overwhelming helplessness, how can that possibly be spun to a positive?

and this, really, is the crux of their two differing worldviews. these two have a lot in common – much has been said about that in game and out – but this point is where they split. laudna has survived, by embracing her childlike nature (admittedly, to a fault, at times). how to keep from being hurt? just keep everything fun and whimsical! nothing to worry about here, it's all just a silly little game! and she has also needed people who share that perspective. people who are willing to take her at face value and without any of the negative assumptions and prejudices they may have picked up along the way.

ashton, on the other hand survived by growing up immediately. they got through their own shitty childhood by becoming an adult (or acting like one anyway) as quickly as possible and STAYING that way. ashton needs to have a tough exterior (there's the made-of-stone thing again) to feel safe. (admittedly, from an audience perspective, this veneer is basically see-through. but ashton doesn't necessarily know this. they're trying their best. so from their perspective, the tough guy thing is Working.)

laudna: you should find more joy in your inner child.

she's saying two things here:

(1) you can be soft and be safe. those can co-exist, aND!

(2) i need you to be soft for me to be safe. when you have this false tough exterior, it hurts people. it hurts (hurt) me.

which is certainly a resonant metaphor to play with for the literal ROCK GUY who just got literally MELTED into LAVA 12 hours prior.

ANYWAY- that's what i've got for now on this scene. i'll probably never stop thinking about it, and there's even more good shit from later on in the scene when they talk about the doll, but that's it for now.

[emisprocrastinatingbywriting]

Alone and Forsaken

Chapter 19 Summary:

After the events that led to the birth of the twins, both you and Joel try your hardest not to get sucked into despair. However, that is easier said than done, especially when Maria and Tommy come to question you about the day you were taken. When it becomes clear that there is a wolf in sheep's clothing living within Jackson, how will the two of you cope? And when the perpetrators are finally unmasked, will either of you be able to sit by and let Jackson's authorities dole out justice, or will you seek retribution?

Warnings: Angst, Fluff, Mentions of Panic Attacks, DILF! Joel, Violence and Torture, Filthy Smut, Feral Joel and Feral Reader Being Made For Each Other.

A/N:

Hey y'all, I hope you guys are doing good! It's been a crazy couple of weeks for me but luckily, I'm one of those people who always needs to be doing something or else I'll explode lol

Anyways, we are back right where we left off. This week shows the light and the darkness in both Joel and reader. On one hand, we're madly in love with our little family. On the other hand, we are a bit insane. Luckily for reader, so is Joel.

And as always, thank you for reading!

Chapter 19/20:

Chapter 19: Bonnie & Clyde

People always said that the first few weeks with a newborn was going to be the hardest, but for you and Joel it was the first few hours. The first bump in the road came a few hours after the two infants had been pulled from your abdomen, when Joel had decided that it was crucial for him to go back out into the howling winds to help his brother hunt for the few remaining assholes he had left behind. The thought of your mate going out into the raging storm had stirred you out of the post-birth bliss and you found yourself hissing in pain as you shot up from bed to stop him from leaving. 

“Jesus fucking Christ woman, get down! You can’t be moving around like that or else you’re gonna rip those stitches honey,” Joel scolded, rushing towards your bedside to shove you back down against the lumpy mattress. 

He gasped when you grabbed one of his hands, squeezing his fingers painfully tight to keep him from retreating again. 

“If you go out there in that storm Joel Miller, I swear to God that I will come after you on foot. Do you want that?! Because I will do it, I don’t give a shit,” you seethed, furious that he would even think to leave you alone after everything that had happened in the last 24 hours. 

Joel’s face had scrunched up and you could tell that he wanted to argue, but the second you had dropped his hand and ripped the blanket away from your lower half, he knew that you meant business. He tried to reason with you, arguing that he was the one that needed to go and that the twins could not be without their mother so soon after leaving the womb, but you were too angry to listen to any of it. Instead, you had ignored his pleas to stay in bed and swung your legs over the side of it, taking a steadying breath to ready yourself for the exertion of standing up. 

“Woah there sweetheart,” Joel said soothingly, like he was calming a nervous horse as he crouched down between your knees to halt your movements, “Christ baby, please be careful. You’re gonna hurt yourself getting up like that and fuck, I don’t think I could take it if you did. Are you tryin’ to give this old man a heart attack?” 

“Are you really going to leave me alone in this clinic with the two newborns that I just had cut out of me? Or, are you going to get your shit together and stay?,” you asked him point blank, making him balk in return. 

Which had left Joel with only one option if he wanted you to stay put and get the rest you so desperately needed. 

He sighed, “I’ll… I’ll stay.” 

“Great,” you snipped, allowing him to help ease you back into bed with a scowl on your face. 

Afterwards, Joel had sat back in the chair at your bedside with a huff, clearly annoyed but unwilling to show it due to the fact that you had just birthed not one, but two of his children that night. Nevertheless, you knew him too well to be fooled by the mask of indifference he put on as he refused to look at you, staring at the sleeping pups who were cozied up in the bassinet they shared. He watched as their tiny chests moved up and down, the edges of his mouth turned downwards in distaste. You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at his sulking. 

“Joel,” you sighed, too exhausted to carry on with the pettiness when all you wanted was to have a few minutes of peace before they were screaming bloody murder again. 

“They could’ve killed you, or the twins, or both,” Joel mumbled, looking away from the pups to mindlessly play with the frayed ends of his sleeve. 

A silence fell over the room, one where the only signs of life were the quick little breaths of the two infants that were sleeping nearby. What was there for you to say? Joel was right. Aspen’s group could have torn the two perfect little beings from your embrace, making them centerpieces to whatever sick ceremonies they had planned. That is, if you had managed to miraculously survive birthing them without the help of a c-section. And if you had somehow survived their birth? Well, the alphas would have used you however they wished and either left you for dead, or killed you themselves. Nevertheless, neither of those things had happened and life had to go on for the sake of your family. 

“I remember thinking that if the pup died, we would be okay,” he admitted quietly, his voice almost a whisper as he continued, “I thought that we would be able to survive without the kid but I couldn’t… There’s no way I would ever be able to survive losing you. Then Tommy found me and told me you were labor. And when I showed up you were bleeding and I just…” 

Joel looked up from his shirt, locking eyes with you for the first time since the fight had begun. Sometimes it was easy to forget that the man you loved was so much older. Sure, he was turning 57 in September, but he was also unbelievably handsome and surprisingly agile for his age. Nevertheless as he stared back at you, he looked tired and beaten down, like all of the battles he had fought in his long life had finally caught up to him that night. Without thinking, you reached forward and cupped his face, pulling it closer so that you could see him better in the dim lighting. 

“I can’t,” you tried, clearing your throat to keep your voice steady before you continued, “I can’t imagine what it was like for you to even consider that, but it’s okay. I’m here Joel, I’m right in front of you and so are they. We made it, can’t you see that?” 

He nodded, “I know, but there are more of them out there still. What if they try to come back? I’m not going to let them take my family again. Those fuckers tried to take what is mine. What if-” 

“What if some of them are in Jackson right now? Fabien got in no problem, that means anyone else could too. Do you really want to be out there with Tommy? You’d be leaving us here all alone. Do you expect me to fight them off? I can barely sit up right now,” you pointed out. 

Joel flinched, giving you a reproachful look for even thinking he would want you to do that. He knew, just as you did, that Tommy was more than capable of picking off the few stragglers that were hiding amongst the flooded streets. It was the peace of mind Joel was after, one that included him tearing through any remaining group members to ensure that none of them could ever threaten his mate or his children ever again. But, he also knew that you were right. He couldn’t leave his family alone and vulnerable. 

“Okay honey, m’not going anywhere,” he agreed, pressing his lips to your cheek before he leaned back in his chair again. 

You gave him a tired smile, “Good, because I think it’s actually our job to name them. Apparently calling them number one and number two for the rest of their lives gets our parent cards revoked or something.” 

Joel laughed, “Shit, guess we better do that then.” 

The next hour was spent debating names for the two pups, a task that was much harder than you originally thought it would be. It was insane how many names were utterly useless due to the fact that they had once belonged to someone that one of you had disliked. Nevertheless, after much debate, you had worked together to land on two names that you felt represented the pair perfectly. 

For your son, the two of you had landed on Ellis. It was meant to be an ode to Ellie, the sister he would never have the chance to meet but would come to know regardless. At first, Joel was unsure of it, arguing that Ellis was an old man's name. However, after looking down at the grumpy little boy in the bassinet, neither one of you could think of a more appropriate name. Ellis had a scowl even in sleep, his downturned lips matching his father’s signature pout perfectly. His hair and nose, much like his sister’s, were also a carbon copy of Joel’s. Traces of you were there as well, in the shape of the chocolate colored eyes he shared with his father and in the chin, but it was clear that it was your mate he took after. 

The naming of your daughter had been much harder, mainly because Joel had put way too much pressure on himself to get it right. For your son, the name Ellis had come so easily, like it was always meant to be his from the moment it slipped from your mouth. Nevertheless, all of the names that had been previously proposed for your daughter were suddenly not good enough for her. He didn’t like the name Sarah anymore, despite the fact that it had been him to propose it as an option. Fearing that it would give his newborn daughter some sort of complex about living up to her older sister, Joel had announced that it would have to be something else. 

After you had pointed out that it was hypocritical to be okay with naming Ellis after Ellie but not your daughter after Sarah, Joel had snapped at you, claiming that it was different because he didn’t have the exact same name. With a sigh, you backed off a bit, allowing him a second to compose himself before you threw another name his way. What Joel was feeling was completely understandable, he didn’t want another Sarah in his life and he was worried that your daughter might feel like she was a replacement if he chose to give her his first born’s name. You were completely fine with her name being something else, yet every time you tried another name, he swiftly rejected it. 

“Well babe, we have to pick something. She can’t go around nameless forever, unless you WANT her to resent us from the get-go,” you sighed, frustrated at his unwillingness to pick. 

“I know honey, but I want to get it right. Ellis is a great name, she needs a great name too,” Joel groaned, rubbing his tired eyes as the morning sun began to bathe his face in light. 

The sun had barely peeked over the horizon, creating an orangish glow in the room that turned his skin golden. Looking towards the bassinet, you noticed how the light had a similar effect on the pups that had already begun to show signs of sharing his skin tone. They stayed still, allowing the sun to wash over them as they twitched in their sleep. And as you gazed upon your daughter’s serene face, you were reminded of a name that you had circled in the book just days earlier, one that you had yet to propose to Joel. 

“What about Alba?,” you offered.  

He cocked an eyebrow, “Why Alba?” 

You shrugged, “I read it in the baby book. It means either dawn or light or fuck, I can’t remember now but look outside Joel! It’s dawn right now and we’ve got our two little bundles of light sleeping right next to us.” 

Joel smiled wide, his eyes sparkling as tried it out, “Ellis and Alba Miller, I like it.” 

You looked over at Alba, matching his grin as you studied her features. Sure, she had Joel’s curls and his nose, but she was your mini-me. She shared your eyes, along with the shape of her mouth. Her chin and cheekbones were also sculpted exactly as yours were, which gave you a surprising boost of confidence when you noticed how beautiful your features were copied onto her tiny face. Even her expressions were yours, along with the unfortunate way she seemed to be in the habit of kicking her poor bedmate in her sleep. At least now you knew which one of them had played soccer with your bladder every morning. 

“Fuck, they’re going to be spoiled rotten aren’t they?,” you sighed dreamily, reaching a hand out to ghost your fingers over their soft tufts of hair. 

“Oh big time,” Joel agreed, watching as Ellis stirred and turned his face towards his sister’s. 

With the names settled, you had hunkered down for a nap. Joel had promised to remain at your side and keep a watchful eye on the two newborns as you slept, claiming he was not the type of dad to assume his partner would do all the work. Which was why when you were woken from your sleep not even twenty minutes later by the both of them screaming at the top of their lungs, you were extremely confused. They had been fed, burped, and changed into clean diapers, which meant that the only thing they could possibly want was some attention from one of their parents, something that you had charged Joel with seeing to. 

Blinking your bleary eyes open, the first thing you noticed was that Joel had moved from his seat at your bedside. Disgruntled at his sudden absence, you turned over to focus on the two wailing pups that were close to bursting your eardrums, only to be shocked by the sight before you. Joel had in fact, not left the room, as he was standing over their bassinet, looking absolutely terrified as he watched them shriek. 

“What the hell are you doing Joel?,” you called to him over their piercing cries, breaking him from his stupor.

“They’re crying,” he responded numbly, averting his gaze from you as he did. 

“And?! Pick them the fuck up then, you said that you would watch them so that I could sleep for a bit,” you snapped, waving your hands at him in frustration. 

Usually, you were better at controlling your anger, but the pain in your core had yet to dissipate and your breasts ached under the weight of the incoming milk. With the twins screaming their heads off and their father looking like he was about to join in with them, you were fresh out of patience for the day. 

“Joel,” you tried again, hissing at him like an angry cat, “Pick. Your. Children. Up.” 

Joel’s eyes widened at that and you watched as his gaze bounced between you and them. You wanted to let the motherly instincts take over, to growl at him for not helping his pups when they clearly needed him, but then you realized something. Despite the fact that they had been ushered into the world nearly five hours ago, Joel had yet to hold either of them. It had slipped through the cracks, as you were too hopped up on the laughing gas and the giddiness of holding them yourself to notice him on the sidelines.  

“Joel,” you sighed, grunting as you sat up against the rickety headboard. 

“They’re so pure, they ain’t even had the chance to do anything wrong yet. How can I pick ‘em up? I’ll ruin them. Look at me, look at all these scars that I’ve got from doing God knows what. They don’t need someone like me holding them. It’d be like spreading an infection,” Joel said with a frown. 

Your stomach sank as you listened to him, knowing that deep down he meant every word of it. It killed you that Joel thought himself too tainted by his past to touch them, even though the twins had loved him well before they were born. Each time you had bullied him into bringing out his guitar during your pregnancy to sing them some forgotten country song, the incessant kicks and uncomfortable barrel rolls they were doing inside of you had stopped, as if they were straining to hear the man they would one day call dad.  

Joel was the only one that could ever calm them. The soft caresses he gave to your bump as his southern drawl washed over them in the darkness of your shared bedroom lulled them back to sleep almost instantaneously. Each time, you had kept still as he worked his magic on the budding life inside of you, desperate to hear his sugary words and quiet promises about the future they would have once they were born. Sometimes you even pretended to fall back asleep while he spoke, allowing him a bit of privacy with his pups so that he could speak to them without the awkwardness of you listening in. 

“Baby, they don’t care about any of that. You’re their dad, all that they are going to care about is that you love them. C’mon, just pick them up and see for yourself,” you softly encouraged. 

When Joel remained unmoved, you shifted gears. Although you wanted to remain understanding for his sake, you could only bend so far. If a kick in the ass is what Joel needed, you had no problem delivering it. At that moment, you were willing to try anything if it stopped the cries that were getting louder by the second. 

“What would you rather be Joel? Some random dude who is mated to their mom but wants nothing to do with them or do you want to be their father?,” you asked him, the bluntness of your words once again catching him off guard. 

Joel blanched, looking at you with those sad puppy dog eyes that made your heart ache for him. This was incredibly hard for him, you knew that, but you weren’t sure how exactly to help. It had been so easy for you, as they had literally grown inside of you for months, but you understood that for a multitude of reasons; it was different for him. Nevertheless, you also knew that he needed to connect with them now, lest he be too scared to in the coming days. The last thing you wanted was for Joel to be doomed to a lifetime of being on the sidelines of his children’s lives. 

“Take off your shirt,” you suddenly blurted out.  

“What?!” 

“Sorry! I mean, can you please take off your shirt? I want to try something,” you restated, causing him to frown at your vagueness. 

Joel squinted at you in confusion, but with the two pups filling up the room with their screams and a mental block stopping him from picking them up, he was too frustrated to argue. He grabbed the back of his shirt with one hand, tearing it over his head in a way you had always found extremely attractive. At the familiar sight of his toned yet soft abdomen, you couldn’t help but smile. In your opinion, the rugged terrain of his scarred skin only added to his attractiveness, but you understood that people often saw their bodies differently than their partners did.  

“Jesus honey, cut it out. S’what got us in this mess in the first place,” Joel mused, scuffing his feet as his face turned bright red under your stare. 

“Can’t help it, you’re too pretty,” you sighed before shaking yourself out of it, “But you’re right, that’s not why I asked you to take it off. I was thinking that you could do skin to skin. The book said it’s really good for both parents to try it. Maybe it’ll help you bond with them.” 

He gulped and turned to face the pups, looking like he was about to face a firing squad as he reached out to brush his finger against Ellis’s cheek. With just one touch from his father, his piercing cries were soothed into weak whimpers and whines. You watched with a smile as Joel softened, realizing that the newborns didn’t care about his past. All they wanted was some love from their dad. After taking a deep breath, he leaned in and plucked Ellis from the confines of the bassinet. 

The little boy squirmed for a bit, grunting angrily before he felt the warmth of his father’s skin. Joel smiled when Ellis calmed, eyes round and watery when he looked back over at you. You gave him a nod of approval, which in turn gave him just enough confidence to collect his daughter as well. Alba was slightly more peeved, writhing against the confines of her unskilled limbs as she continued to squall at him in protest. It was only when Joel drifted over to his chair, carefully plopping himself down on the seat next to you so that he could speak to them properly, that she finally calmed down as her brother had. 

“S’okay Ms. Sunshine, I’m here. Your papa’s got you and your brother now, don’t cry,” he cooed, his syrupy drawl soothing Alba in an instant. 

Joel was a vision like this, whispering sweet nothings to the two pups as they dozed in his arms. A peacefulness had possessed your mate in that moment, making him look more docile than you had ever seen him. His body was so still, with none of the usual nervousness he was prone to bunching up his muscles to the point where he practically vibrated with the stress. The pups had turned Joel into something soft and gooey, something you thought looked incredibly attractive on him. He was completely in his own little world as he leaned in to catch a whiff of the addictive smell that every parent claimed their newborn had, the one that you had rolled your eyes at until your own pups had been placed in your arms.  

“Fuck, they are so perfect,” Joel sighed as he leaned back, unbothered by the few tears that dripped down his face. 

“I tried to tell ya,” you yawned, blinking at him as you felt the calm of the room infect you as well. 

“Get some rest darling, I’ve got them now. M’sorry that I didn’t know how to…,” he swallowed and shook his head, “Anyways, I promise that I’m okay now honey, just got spooked is all”. 

You shook your head at his apology, “Don’t be sorry, just pick them up if they cry. They love you Joel, they always have. Whatever happens, just promise me that you’ll love them back and take care of them. They’re gonna need their dad in their lives.” 

“I promise.”

“Good, now goodnight,” you sighed, snuggling back into the sheets with a soft smile. 

With that, Joel smiled and turned his attention back towards the two pups. You watched him in his element for as long as you could and then drifted off again, allowing him the time he needed to connect with the twins as you slept. 

- Joel - 

Being a dad again at his age was weird, albeit a little terrifying, but Joel was surprised at how much he remembered from his first time around. He didn’t need to be directed on how to hold them, as the muscle memory from when Sarah was an infant had kicked in immediately. And although it had taken him a moment to overcome his brief panic attack about picking them up, once he did he never wanted to let them go ever again. 

As you slept beside him in the hospital bed, healing from the eventful night and the overly traumatic birth, Joel held Alba and Ellis close to his chest. He wanted nothing more than to weld their tiny bodies with his so that they may never roam far from his grasp, but he knew that it was irrational to think that way. They would someday live their own lives, free from their parent’s watchful eyes on them 24/7. A terrifying thought indeed. But, luckily for him, that was years away. 

It was at that moment that Joel realized how simple all of this was. They were his pups, just as Sarah and Ellie had been, which meant that he would do anything in his power to be the person they needed him to be. If he was going to do this, if was going to step up and be not just the alpha that got you pregnant, but a dad again, he needed to be more than just a protector. They needed a dad who would love them fiercely, to cover them in it so that they would be hidden from the evils of the world, and Joel was damned if he wasn’t going to try his best to be that type of guy for them. 

The twins had stayed calm for a total of two hours, allowing him just enough time to fall in love with them all over again. Nevertheless, the second Alba’s cries had woken Ellis, it led to a cacophony of screams that made his ears ring and he was quickly reminded of the reason why newborns were so tiring. You were awake at the first sound of trouble, groaning as you lifted yourself into a seated position and reached out for the hungry pair. 

Joel reluctantly passed them over one at a time, missing the days of the past as he watched you wince through the first few seconds of breastfeeding. It wasn’t just that he pitied you for having to nurse them with your sore nipples, it was also that he longed for a time where he might have been able to feed them too. Medical supplies were hard to come by and despite his best efforts, he had not yet been able to secure a breast pump. With no breast pump, along with no surviving packages of baby formula left from life before the outbreak, he was effectively benched from feeding them until they could survive on something more solid. 

Nevertheless, Joel was grateful that you seemed to have no issue with feeding them. He had mourned the loss of modern technology while you were pregnant, dreading the possibility that his incoming pup would starve without the precious baby formula that had saved the parents of the past. In a world with few fixes for things of that sort, the two of you had even talked about utilizing one of the few wet nurses in town. Neither one of you had liked the idea of another person stepping in to feed them, but the pup’s health had taken priority over comfort. Luckily, it seemed that his fears had not come to fruition, as both of the infants were greedily latching on and sucking down their meal with no issue. 

“Joel, will you get me something to drink? Oh! And some food? They keep draining me like I’m a fucking dairy cow and it’s making me hungry as hell. Please baby? I’d really appreciate it,” you cooed, batting your eyelashes at him as you did. 

Joel chuckled, hoisting himself up from the chair so that he could fulfill your request. He leaned forward and dropped a kiss on the top of your head, allowing himself just one second of indulgence to linger over you. After taking a moment to hover, watching the twins as they fed on their mother’s milk with rapt interest, he reluctantly peeled himself away. 

“Oh and Joel, remember that I don’t like -”

“You don’t like oatmeal, I know,” he called over his shoulder, unable to stop himself from rolling his eyes as he did, “When are you going to let that go? I’ve only ever made it for ya once.” 

“Hmmmm… I’m not sure. Maybe I’m just hurt that you didn’t know me better by then. Thought it was love at first sight, guess I was wrong,” you said with an overly dramatic sigh. 

Joel scoffed and turned, catching the playfulness in your eye as he did. He rolled his eyes even harder than before, knowing that, as per usual, you were just trying to fuck with him. Two could play at that game. 

“Damn baby, I sound like a dick. Better not let me knock you up then,” he said nonchalantly, shrugging his shoulders as he did. 

The grin you gave him took his breath away and for the billionth time since meeting you, Joel wished for a camera. What he was seeing was simply too good to be true. The love of his life was sitting up in bed, beautifully disheveled as she cradled his two children and fed them from her own body. It made him want to run out into the street and scream like a madman, to announce to the world that he had finally won something against all odds, but he remained rooted in place. Instead, he stared at his entire world with two heart shaped eyes, utterly starstruck and unable to will himself to fulfill your previous request. Divine was the only word that came to mind as he gazed upon you and he knew that he’d spend his life worshiping you at the altar of his affection, sacrificing whatever he must to keep his goddess content. 

“I love you so much honey. You’ve given me everything and more. I can’t… I can’t even begin to tell you how much that means to me. I just… I love you and I love them, thank you,” Joel babbled, the words coming out of his mouth faster than his brain could process them. 

“Joel, you’re my favorite person, my mate, the only person I trust with all my heart. I love you more than anything,” you paused, making his brow furrow, “Well, Ellis and Alba might have kicked you out of the number one spot, but I promise that you’re a very strong number two!”

He laughed at that, not offended in the least that the twins took priority over him now. The fact that you had bonded with them so easily did not surprise him, as the woman he loved had the ability to make almost anyone melt in the blink of an eye. Like two blooming flowers in the sun, they had reached towards your warmth without a second thought, just as their father did every day of his life.  

“There’s nothing I want more than this right here, being with you and our two perfect pups. Except for maybe one thing…,” you sighed, voice trailing off at the end. 

Joel was back at your bedside in two long strides, the alarm bells in his head going off as he stood over you. 

“What is it sweetheart? I’ll get it for you, whatever you need,” he rushed out, ready to barrel through town at your command.

“You could get me that food you promised,” you reminded him, pointing your chin towards the exit with a sly grin.  

He gave you a mock salute, which made you burst into a fit of giggles as he proceeded to march back over to the door. After giving his little family one last glance, Joel slipped into the waiting room. 

The previous night, both of your respective families had crammed into the tiny space, waiting for hours for an update. The two of you had taken three hours to yourselves after the twins were born, the only news coming from the doctor who you had sent out to assure them that everyone was alive. After the three hours were up, Joel had reluctantly left the room to announce that you were healthy and had given birth to a set of twins who seemed to be doing well. They had cheered and clapped in relief, the terror that had tightened their features melting away in an instant. However, their happiness was short-lived, as he had subsequently kicked them out without so much as a peek at the pups in the room behind him. 

Joel knew that like him, you didn’t want any visitors, as you were too traumatized to have anyone else in the room other than your mate or the doctor. He understood how you felt and the relief on his face was palpable as he watched them filter out. It wasn’t that either of you thought that any of your family members would harm the twins, it was that you both needed time to recuperate together, to hold Ellis and Alba close until the residual fear drifted away. 

The bells on the front door chimed, snapping Joel out of his thoughts in an instant. Before he had even looked up, he had his teeth barred, with the instincts he had used to find you in the storm still pumping wildly through his veins. He had forgotten how hard it was for someone like him, an alpha with a lifetime of bad fortune, to keep from being overprotective in times like this. Although it was just Maria and Tommy that strolled into the clinic, his own family, he still had to push down the low warning sound that rumbled in his chest. 

“Easy there cowboy,” Tommy chuckled, putting his hands up in mock surrender. 

Maria stomped on her mate’s foot, making him drop the joking facade in an instant as he hissed in pain and glared at her. She gave him a pointed look and turned back towards Joel, wordlessly holding out a tote bag that smelled of something delicious. He took it, softening a bit when he spied the feast that she had packed inside. It was enough food to feed a small army. 

“Thought you both might want some grub. We saw the doctor at the dining hall earlier and she mentioned that you hadn’t left the clinic to get food yet, so we figured we’d bring you guys something,” Maria said. 

Joel nodded, quietly thanking her in a voice that was so quiet that it was almost lost under the low hum of the fluorescents above. He was touched, albeit a bit confused as he had assumed that last night’s events would have them both too busy to swing by for quite some time. But when Maria gave him a small smile and then looked at his brother, almost like she was waiting for him to say something, an odd sense of deja vu hit him.

Suddenly, Joel was brought back to the moment where they had teamed up to put him back on the patrol shifts. That decision had caused him to leave you alone in Jackson, which had led to you being stolen from within the safety of its walls. There was no way Joel was going to let them swindle him again. His knuckles turned white as he balled his fists up, ready to knock their heads together if they asked him to go back on patrol. Although the thought of chasing down any undefeated foes was alluring, you were right, he couldn’t possibly leave his family at such a delicate time. 

“I ain’t leavin’ her alone with TWO newborn pups to go on some stupid-ass fucking patrol. I don’t care who it pisses off, I ain’t doing it and I’m honestly fucking shocked you two would even have the balls to try,” Joel spat.  

Tommy scoffed, “Hang on a minute asshole, we ain’t doing nothing of the sort.”

He paused and let his shoulders drop, forcing himself to take a deep breath before he popped one of the blood vessels in his neck. 

“Fine, what do ya want from me then? Because I swear if this is some bullshit about -”  

“We need to talk to the both of you. It has to do with the two groups of people that took her. Believe me, we wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t important,” Maria cut in. 

As usual, his sister in law got straight to the point. At times Joel had respected her penchant for honesty, longed for it even when his brother was being too cagey with him, but at that moment he hated it. He wanted some more time alone with his family in the happy bubble they existed in, the one that had yet to be popped by the sharp sting of reality. He knew deep down that there would have to be a time for speaking about what had happened, but he had selfishly hoped for just a few more hours of peace. 

“Can’t it wait?,” Joel grouched, his annoyance evident as he scowled at them with all his might. 

“If we’re going to make sure that we got them all, then yes it is,” Maria stated. 

She held up her hand when he started to argue, not allowing him to blow her off so easily. 

“One of them took her from within our walls. How in the hell did he get her out without anyone noticing? Did he have help? Did he take her through the gates or is there another way in? We have no fucking idea, but we need to find out so that this doesn’t happen again,” Maria argued. 

Joel pinched the bridge of his nose, willing the migraine that was stirring in the base of his skull to go away. She was right, but that didn’t mean he had to like it. He took a couple deep breaths, trying not to puke from the stress that soured the lining of his stomach as he focused back on the task at hand. 

“She’s feeding them right now, okay? Can you at least wait for them to be done? There ain’t gonna be much talking if the pups get to crying. Those two are louder than goddamn banshees when they get riled up,” he grumbled. 

Maria softened, immediately agreeing to his small request with a smile, “Of course, we’ll wait out here until they’re fed.” 

Joel left them, turning on his heel so that he could race back to the people that held his heart in their hands. He slipped back into the room, careful not to give either of the people behind him a peep of you without your top on. Shutting the door behind him, he felt like he was forming a protective barrier between his family and the rest of the world, and he longed for the days when every inch of Jackson was thought to be safe. 

The smell of the room almost knocked him off his feet as Joel made his way over to you, forcing every muscle in his body to release all of its tension once more. For the first time since they were born, he realized that his scent and yours were not alone anymore, as they were accompanied with the smell of the two newborns cradled in your arms. As he practically floated over to the bed, his nose caught the woodsy notes of pine and rosemary wafting over to him from his son, along with the fresh smell of grapefruit and gardenias from his daughter. The mix of all of his family’s scents together made Joel’s heart so full that it ached, and he suddenly wanted to cry when he realized he was about to ruin it with a reality check. 

“That was fast. What’d you do? Rob one of the early risers on their way home from the market?,” you joked, making him huff in muted amusement. 

“Unfortunately not, Maria and Tommy just dropped this off. They packed us a god damn feast,” Joel answered gruffly, lifting the tote onto the small bedside table.

He rifled through it, plucking the first tupperware container his fingers grazed upon out of the cloth bag. Looking through the cloudy plastic, he spied a plethora of sweet treats inside and quickly ripped off the red cover.  

“Could you -,” you started to ask, but he was too fast. 

“I gotcha honey,” he cooed, sitting down on the side of the bed so that he could feed you the treats himself as you fed the pups.  

Joel plopped a brownie into your mouth, chuckling at the way your eyes rolled into the back of your head at the first taste of chocolate. A memory flashed through his mind, one from almost a year ago when he had found you cramming his expired chocolate into your mouth after pulling you from the riverside. He remembered fondly how the sweet treat had been smudged all over your face. The sight had made him want to laugh at first, before he had a sudden terrifying urge to clean it off with his own hands. It was funny for him to think about how clueless he had been about his love for you in the beginning, especially when every waking moment of his life since finding you by the river was devoted to your happiness. 

He fed you a couple more treats, chuckling when you asked him the same question that you had been asking him since day one; share it with me? Although Joel didn’t feel hungry, as he was still too wrapped up in his own worries to feel the pangs of hunger gnawing at his gut, you had a hold over him like no other. Which meant that all it took was your pleading eyes to trick Joel into eating a couple cookies and a brownie. Like always, he was easily swindled by your charm, forever the loyal servant to the woman that treated a brute like him like he was the most precious thing in the entire world. Nevertheless, as he watched the twins drink from your breasts, draining the precious nutrients they needed from their mother, he could only stomach eating one more cookie before he demanded you finish the rest of the sweets by yourself. 

“Alright, alright, jeez Mr. Grumpy-pants. What’s gotten up your ass all of a sudden?,” you mumbled, popping your mouth open for him to place a chunk of blueberry muffin in. 

“Tommy and Maria,” Joel sighed, “They’re still here. They want to talk to us about what happened so that they can figure out how he got in.” 

You winced and snapped your mouth shut, looking down at the twins with a pained expression. Joel’s nose wrinkled as your scent began to turn and he watched how the pups began to squirm at the shift in the room’s energy. They could sense your growing discomfort, just as he could. If he wasn’t so nervous about the meltdown the newborns were about to have, it would have blown his mind that they were already so attuned to their mother’s moods. 

“Honey s’okay, this is a good thing,” he cooed, leaning in to bump his forehead against yours. 

“Tell me how is this a good thing Joel? Someone tried to take us! How in the hell are we ever going to feel safe here again?,” you sniffed. 

With one heavy blink, tears sprouted from your eyes and ran down your cheeks. Joel acted fast, leaning forward so that he could plant kisses all over your face in hopes that it would stem the flow. He could taste the saltiness of your tears on his tongue and it lit a fire under his ass to comfort you. 

“Sweet girl, I know it doesn’t seem like it, but this IS a good thing. If there is some sort of hole in the wall or shit, I don’t know, a fucking underground tunnel, they need to know where it is so that they can secure it. That way, this won’t happen ever again,” Joel tried. 

He wasn’t sure that even he believed his words, but he willed himself to try. Usually it was you trying to instill hope in Joel, not the other way around. Nevertheless, if you needed a boost, he was going to try his best to be all rainbows and sunshines until you were back to normal. 

“I’ll tell them anything they want to know, just promise me that you’ll stay with us. So help me god Joel, if I hear that you’ve said yes to a single patrol for the next few weeks, I will find the breach myself just so I can come out there and strangle you in front of Tommy,” you warned. 

Joel nodded dutifully, “Yes ma’am, I ain’t going nowhere.” 

With that, you finally relaxed enough to finish feeding Alba and Ellis. When they were done, Joel took each of the milk drunk infants from you one by one, burping them before he placed them back in the crib so that they could drift off together until their next feeding. He watched for a moment as Alba reached out, thwapping her chunky little fist against her brother’s sternum a few times before she let it rest there. Ellis squirmed a bit and grunted at the abuse, only to settle when she finally relaxed. 

Although there were two cribs in the room, so far you and Joel had only used the one. It felt wrong to part the twins just yet, almost cruel. After spending a rocky eight months growing together inside of you, the two of them surviving impossible circumstances without their parents having any knowledge of their existence, neither one of you dared to keep them from each other. Plus, the twins seemed to enjoy the extra heat that came with sleeping alongside one another, as they came together like two magnets the second they were put down.   

“Joel, can you help me with this?,” you called out, forcing his focus away from the twins. 

The soft t-shirt you held in your hands was one of his, compliments of the few pairs of clothes your mother had dropped off for the both of you. Joel wasn’t sure how to feel about her going through the house on her own volition, but he was grateful that she thought enough to take from the pile of his shirts you had hidden amongst your own clothes. He didn’t want to know how you would have reacted if she had brought some of the dreaded maternity clothes you had been forced to wear, and he shuddered to think of your reaction if she had made the mistake of bringing your own clothes, the ones you likely wouldn’t be able to fit back into for at least another few months. 

Joel plucked his shirt from your hands, carefully easing the cotton over your face and swollen breasts. The tough part came at the incision mark below your navel and he gently rolled the fabric over the bandage, bracing himself for any whine of discomfort that may burst from your mouth. Luckily, none came. All you did was watch him through wary eyes, too tired and frustrated with the circumstance to mind. 

When Joel was done helping you dress, opting to leave you in a loose fitting pair of his boxers for bottoms rather than squeezing you into pants, he planted a kiss on your mouth. The small act eased only a few of the frown lines from your face, but he counted it as a win nonetheless. Joel brushed his thick fingers through your unruly locks, smoothing them down with an appreciative grin. Although you constantly complained to him about how hard it was to tame your hair, he always thought it was cute when you left it messy. 

Almost as cute as when you surprised him by leaning forward and stealing another kiss from him, taking the breath from his lungs until they burned with passion. A small grunt came from him and you smiled, giving him the perfect opportunity to slip his tongue into your mouth. Joel could have lived in that moment forever, tangling his tongue with yours as you pulled at his mussed curls. Nevertheless, reality came in the form of a swift knock to the door that made the two of you quickly jump apart. 

“If your brother wakes them up, I swear to fuck -”

“Oh, I’m right there with ya darling,” Joel gritted out, racing over to the door so that he could stop the younger man before another round of heavy knocks produced a chorus of shrill screams. 

Joel ripped the door open, the anger clear on his face as he stared down at his little brother. Tommy grinned at him, as if he had forgotten that he was also a father who likely loathed any loud noises that might wake his own son. After another few moments of reproachful staring, Joel let the two betas in with a sigh, hurrying back over to your side so that he could place himself in front of the twins. 

If asked, Joel wouldn’t be able to say why he felt the need to shield them from his family’s view. It’s not like Maria or Tommy would ever harm their own niece and nephew, or any child for that matter. Still, he couldn’t ignore the way his blood itched with the need to protect them from anything and anyone. It was a feeling that he wasn’t sure would ever go away, but hoped would die down with time. 

“Hey! Wow, you actually don’t look too bad,” his brother proudly exclaimed, making your face fall in an instant. 

Joel glared at Tommy hard, the smoke practically pouring from his ears as he tried to think of one reason he shouldn’t throw the beta against the wall. The mood of the room shifted, causing sweat to gleam off his brother’s forehead as he realized the gravity of his blunder. Maria pivoted so that she could fully face her mate, cocking her hip out at him as she stared at him incredulously. Tommy closed his eyes for a moment in shame, sighing before he started in on an apology that was immediately cut off by your uncharacteristically sharp words. 

“Gee, thanks Tommy. That’s just what I needed to hear after having two big-ass pups cut out of me. Hey, when’s the last time you had all of YOUR organs pushed to one side so that the doctor could cut into YOUR uterus, hm? Oh, that’s right! Never because you don’t have one, so maybe shut the fuck up,” you seethed. 

Maria didn’t even try to save her mate from your wrath. Instead, she raised her eyebrows when he looked to her for help, as if to say that he had made his bed with his poor choice of words and now he was doomed to lie in it all by himself. A few more jumbled explanations came from the younger man, each more unintelligible than the last, until he finally came out with a somewhat coherent apology. 

“Shit, I really didn’t mean it like that sweetheart. M’sorry, I guess what I meant was -”

“Think you should be movin’ on from this topic baby brother, before it gets you into some big trouble,” Joel warned, the finality in his tone evident. 

Tommy nodded, miming himself zippering his lips before he fell completely silent. Maria stepped forward, giving her husband one final look that said that they would talk about the blunder later, before she turned her gaze towards his family. Joel reached out and grabbed your hand without even thinking about it, anchoring himself for the talk that was about to occur. 

“I know that this time is important for you as a family. Before we begin, I’d like it to be known that I wouldn’t be coming in here to ask these types of questions if I didn’t think it was necessary. But as the leader, I need to make sure Jackson is safe. Which means -”

“Which means that you’ve come to ask about when they took me,” you finished impatiently. 

Maria nodded with sorrowful eyes, as if she wanted to be anywhere other than in your hospital room at that moment. Perhaps if Joel was a better man, he would have felt bad for her for having to endure the plight of leadership regardless of where her own feelings lie, but he wasn’t a better man. 

The eldest Miller was a greedy man, one that had utilized violence and cruelty to get his kicks for decades, only to find out later in life that the happiness of his mate was like a shot of dopamine straight to his brain. From the second he found you, he knew that he would do anything for you, despite whatever consequences it had on anyone else. That is, until Ellis and Alba came into the picture last night. Now, there were three souls that Joel would kick up hell for to ensure they were taken care of. 

Fuck being a better man. 

Joel was not a hero by any means, he was a survivor. Which meant that he was completely fine with sticking to his morally gray guns while Maria led the town as she saw fit and Tommy did his best impression of an upstanding citizen. If they thought him a villain for being the way he was, then so be it. He didn’t care what anyone else thought, all he cared about was the wellbeing of his mate and his pups. 

“Look, like I already said before, I don’t know anything,” you started, already sounding annoyed. 

Maria nodded patiently, “I know but if you could just take us through that morning, maybe it could jog your memory a bit. Please, anything could help.”

A frustrated sigh puffed out from your lips, but you nodded nonetheless. 

“Okay uh… Well, I woke up that morning and Joel had left his lunchbox, so I walked down to the stables. I almost made it in time, but I had to stop by the fence across the road. Joel and Tommy were just leaving with the horses but I was in too much pain to call out,” you explained.

All of the blood in Joel’s veins turned to ice. Bile rose from the pit of his stomach and he was forced to swallow it down so that he wouldn’t start spewing chunks across the room.  

“You were there that morning? No, that can’t be. I would’ve heard or fuck, smelled you even. Please baby, tell me that ain’t true,” Joel cut in before anyone else could, the voices in his head screaming at him for not doing his duty, for yet again not protecting his mate. 

The wince on your face told him everything he needed to know. Joel had failed you in many ways yesterday, but it was this event that he knew he would never forgive himself for. You had needed him and he had left you there alone. Of course he had, as far as shitty alphas went, it didn’t get any more straightforward than him. 

“I thought it was maybe a strain when I woke up. It felt like all the muscles in my back were being torn apart, but I guess it was me going into labor. I didn’t even realize what was happening until my water broke a few hours later, but by that point I was uh… not in Jackson anymore.” 

The twins had begun to prepare for their debut early that morning and Joel had galloped past you, completely unaware that his mate was keeled over in pain just a few meters away. It made him want to throw himself onto the ground and wail, to tearfully beg you to forgive him for the neglect by impaling himself on his own blade, but you were too quick. Before Joel could fall into the dark pit of shame that he was already so familiar with, you had already tugged him back towards you. He was so lost in self loathing that he went willingly, carefully rolling the bassinet over with him so that the twins were still in reach as he sat down on the side of your bed. 

“M’sorry sweetheart, I can’t believe that I… If I’d known, I-I -”

“Shh Joel, stop,” you hushed him, reaching up so that you could rub circles into his scalp, “If you heard me, then you would have stayed and helped, but you didn’t. You can’t blame yourself for that, or any of it. Shitty things happen all the time, but that doesn’t mean it’s your fault.” 

He shook his head, not believing a single word you said. Of course it was Joel’s fault, it was him that only had one working ear and an apparent lack of awareness about his surroundings. You were innocent in all of this, a simple bystander that had been attacked while trying to bring your stupid mate the lunchbox he had forgotten. 

“But maybe if I remembered that fucking bag, you wouldn’t have been taken honey. Can’t you see that? S’all my fault,” he pressed on, unable to break himself out of his despair. 

You scoffed, “Joel, that’s simply not true. Those fucking assholes were here for months. They were just waiting for the right moment. If you hadn’t forgotten that bag, they probably would have taken me from the house the next time you left to go to the market. It was inevitable.”  

The thought of any of your kidnappers infiltrating the home that the two of you had built in Jackson irked something in Joel’s brain. He knew that you were right, that they would have likely snuck into the house and confronted you there, but picturing it made him feel like he could breathe fire. It felt so wrong to imagine them anywhere near his home, the place where he had spent the past two weeks baby proofing while you continuously reorganized the pup’s wardrobe like it held all the answers to parenting. 

“She’s right Joel, it isn’t your fault,” Tommy said, pulling his attention away from the spell your gaze put him under, “I was there too and I didn’t hear her either. We could play the ‘what if’ game until we’re blue in the face but it won’t change a thing. All we can do is move forward.” 

He gritted his teeth, the dull ache at the base of his skull turning into a sharp throb as he tried to work through his own self loathing for your sake. The only lifeline Joel had was your hand in his and he focused on the feeling of you squeezing his digits to keep himself sane. He locked eyes with you, catching the way your gaze implored him to see reason, and allowed his shoulders to drop with a heavy sigh. 

“Okay,” Joel relented. 

Joel didn’t know how else to calm himself, so he leaned forward and stole another kiss from your soft lips. A surprised noise was muffled against his mouth, followed by a hum of approval as he deepened it. He didn’t let it go on for long, all too aware of the two unwanted guests in the room, but he allowed himself just enough time to have the pleasure of seeing you breathless when he finally broke away. 

When Joel pulled back, he gazed at you longingly, like he wanted nothing more than to spend his life waxing poetic soliloquies about his love for you. If only he had the words to fully capture how he felt about his beloved, but alas, they simply didn’t exist. What he felt for you was too big for there to be any words that could do it justice. Joel yearned for every part of you, ferocious and manic in his desire, and he knew that he would happily grovel at your feet for a crumb of your affection until the day he died. And in return, every part of him was yours, which meant that if you needed your faithful servant to put aside his own feelings for the moment, then he would. 

A throat was cleared and the two of you looked back over at your visitors. Tommy scratched the back of his neck with an apologetic look on his face, while Maria stood ramrod straight beside him as she waited patiently to get back down to business. With an affirmative nod from you, Joel turned back towards the pair and braced himself for the next round of questioning. 

The rest of the conversation did not go any easier and unfortunately, Joel knew it was mostly because of him. He tried his best to keep himself from reacting, but hearing about how Fabien had drugged his pregnant mate had torn a hearty growl from his throat that nearly woke the sleeping pups. It only worsened when he had heard about the alpha slapping you across the face, along with all of the sick threats that both groups had spewed as you were chained and going through the pains of labor. 

Every fiber of his being became devoted to keeping himself still. Joel knew that if he allowed himself to move even an inch, he would fly off the handle and begin to scream in rage until the entire town knew what would happen if they came near his family. It was only when you directed his attention towards Ellis and Alba, convincing him to hold them for the remainder of the talk, that the sinister rumbling that came from deep within his chest finally stopped. The solid weight of the twins in his arms brought him back to earth, along with the way you played with his curls as you spoke. To Joel’s embarrassment, it was only once he was soothed that the line of questioning from Maria began to run a lot smoother. 

“Once I had killed her, I got the chain off and got out of there before the alphas could get to me. I could see a few of them down the street, so I headed straight into the woods. A few minutes later, Tommy found me having contractions against a tree and yeah, that is literally all I know,” you finished with a sigh. 

“And you don’t remember anything from when Fabien took you from the stables? Anything at all?,” Maria questioned. 

You shook your head, “No, not really. I remember feeling grateful that he caught me when I fell forward, I was worried about squashing the pup. The entire time he was carrying me out, I could feel his hands on my bump like he was trying to protect it. It was super weird but also oddly comforting.” 

The room grew silent at the admission and Joel turned back to look at you with a furrowed brow. If it was Fabien who had been carrying you out of Jackson, who then had held your bump in their hands with such care? The man only had two sets of hands, which meant that Maria was right, he had been helped by another to sneak you out. Before you had a chance to fully understand the gravity of your response, Maria was already turning to his brother with a list of instructions. 

“I need you to check the schedules. Look for someone who worked the gates, patrols, maybe even a couple of the stable guys. I want to know the names of everyone that had reason to be awake that morning. It would have to be someone who wouldn’t draw suspicion,” Maria instructed him, the tension in her body growing by the second. 

“W-What’s happening? Joel?,” you whimpered, sensing the change in his family’s demeanor immediately. 

Joel hushed you, “S’alright honey, this just means we’re one step closer to being safe. Now that we know Fabien had help, they can go through the logs and figure out who it is. No need to worry, we’re gonna be just fine.” 

Another quiet whine came from you, forcing him to press a smattering of kisses all over your face until you relaxed. Joel heard the two betas muffled conversation behind him but elected to ignore it, focusing all of his energy on calming his terrified mate. When the whimpering stopped, he sat back and turned to look at your guests. Maria whispered one last instruction to her husband, which he nodded dutifully at as he turned towards the rest of the room. With a sorrowful look on his face, Tommy peaked around him to lock eyes with you. 

“I really am sorry about before. I swear that I meant it as a compliment, but I ain’t too good at this sorta thing so…,” his brother stopped, getting redder by the second, “Congratulations to the both of ya, I can’t wait to meet my niece and nephew once you’re both er… less… territorial.” 

Maria looked like she was ready to strangle him at that, her already thinned patience fraying at the ends at his new attempt at being congratulatory. Joel knew how she felt and he suddenly wondered if this could be the one time he might be able to get away with drop-kicking his baby brother to the curb in front of his scary ass wife. However, it seemed that a tussle wasn’t necessary, as he and Maria were both surprised when they heard you laugh at Tommy’s poor manners. 

“Holy shit Tommy, it’s like you take one foot out of your mouth and then shove in two more. Are you trying to get attacked by one of the two hormonal parents in this room, or are you just THAT fucking dumb?,” you cackled, wiping away the tears that came from your laughter. 

Tommy chuckled and then sighed, “Just dumb unfortunately. Again, apologies and I’ll… I’ll be going now. See y’all around once you’re uh… yeah….” 

With that, his brother turned on his heel and hurried out of the room. Maria rubbed her temples with both hands once he was gone, muttering under her breath about the ridiculousness of her chosen partner. 

“Tommy means well, I promise, he just -”

“Isn’t good with words? I know. I have the other Miller brother, remember?,” you deadpanned. 

Joel scoffed while his sister in law snickered at his expense. She softened a little at your joke, which was why he tried not to be miffed at your jab. Although in the past, he had not been great with his words, Joel liked to think he had gotten much better since then. Nevertheless, he was grateful that your joke had shattered the tension in the room and he felt like he might finally be able to breathe without the twins sleeping in his arms. Not that he was about to put them down just yet, but it was nice to know he could if he needed to without having a full blown panic attack. 

“Guess you’re right, at least they’re pretty” Maria shrugged, earning a laugh from you and an annoyed huff from him, “Well, I guess I’ll leave you guys to it. I’ll let you know if we find anything. In the meantime, keep an eye out for anything out of the ordinary.” 

Once you had both agreed, Maria took her cue and left the room. Joel turned to you when she was gone, a question on the tip of his lips before you shook your head at him. He sighed and let the inquiry die, putting the sleeping pups back in their crib so that he could crawl into bed with you. He slipped in behind you, gluing himself to your back so that he could hold you tight as the two of you watched the rise and fall of the twin’s chests. 

“Stay with us,” you pleaded groggily, exhaustion already pulling you back into another much needed nap. 

Joel hushed you, nuzzling the gland on your neck and pressing kisses into it until you were forced to relax against him. He tangled his legs with yours and brought you even closer to him in the stillness of the quiet morning, trying to reassure you as he gathered his thoughts. Sometimes, Joel was shocked at how well you seemed to know him. While other times, it was like you didn’t know him at all. Leaving you and the twins was never something he had considered, nor would it ever be. He’d sooner die. As Joel snuggled closer, you pressed back into him until your eyelids fluttered closed with a sigh, and it was that proximity that made him feel centered enough to speak. 

“Never gonna leave ya baby, you should know that by now. Gonna have to take me out back and shoot me if ya want me gone. If ya don’t, I’ll just sleep on the front porch until you let me back in the house again. Kids are gonna have to jump over me on the way to school,” he joked. 

The laugh you let out made Joel grin and he wished in that moment that he had the power to bottle it, so that he could listen to it anytime he was feeling down. 

“First of all, your back could not take sleeping on the porch. You’d be waddling around like I was when I was pregnant. Secondly, I’d never let the twins see their father in that sort of state,” you said.

He wanted to kiss you right then and there, to thank you for loving him so unconditionally. That was, until you continued. 

“No porch for papa on my watch, I’d exile you to the couch in the sunroom so that they wouldn’t notice that we’re fighting. You could slip back before breakfast. Oh! And maybe if you were a good boy, I’d even give you a space heater for the cold. But, you’d have to make it up to me big time to get back in the house.” 

“Oh yeah?,” he snorted, “And what would I have to give to get back in your good graces princess?”

You shrugged, “Head probably.” 

Joel guffawed, which turned into a bout of genuine laughter when you giggled at his reaction. He shook his head at your ridiculousness, blowing a wet raspberry into the crook of your neck in retaliation. You squealed and squirmed a bit, which left him no choice but to continue until you warned him that you might rip your stitches if he didn’t stop soon. With that, Joel quickly surrendered and went back to simply holding you in his arms. 

“I didn’t mean it like that Joel,” you admitted quietly after some time, “I don’t think you’d ever abandon your family, I just meant that I don’t want you to close yourself off from us. This is all so scary and I don’t know if I can do it if you aren’t here with me, physically and mentally.” 

He sighed, “I know honey.”

“I’m just so anxious about all of it, aren’t you?,” you asked softly, your voice barely above a whisper. 

Joel wasn’t sure what he could say to ease your worries, especially since he was just as terrified as you. Still, he knew that for your sake he needed to try. Although he could not predict the future, not with the world embroiled in such constant chaos, he was not going to leave your side until the breach was found and the traitors were brought to justice. Every single time the two of you were separated, no matter the circumstances, bad things seemed to happen and he wasn’t going to be taking any chances now that there were two pups that needed their parents. Plus, he also knew beyond a shadow of doubt that if anyone tried to threaten the pups, they would subsequently be torn apart by either their mom or their dad. 

“We’re gonna be okay. I don’t know how I know, but I just do. Those two have the most amazingly badass mom in the world, which means there ain’t nothing getting anywhere near them. And me? I’m staying right here, not letting any of you outta my sight,” Joel promised. 

As he spoke, his fingers crept into your hair, massaging your scalp until you were practically purring from his soft touch. 

“Hmmm, I guess you’re right. Plus I’ve heard their dad is pretty tough too… and kind… and handsome…and sweet… and he does this thing with his tongue where he swirls it around - hey!”

The tickles he gave to your underarms made you stop and explode into another fit of giggles, one that this time he was sure to cut short before you could strain yourself too much. 

“Gotta watch it darling, those two are like sponges and before you know it they’re gonna be repeatin’ just about every word you say. We don’t need them going around talkin’ bout tongue tricks to the other kids on the playground. People ‘round here already hate me enough,” he said. 

You snorted, “I doubt that they are going to have any long-term memory for at least another year babe, but point taken. I will keep any jokes about the joys of you eating me out off the table for the time being.”

He shook his head at your crass words, keeping in his laughter so as not to encourage your behavior. Nevertheless, you still managed to steal a brief snicker from him before he clammed up. 

“Fucking hell, go to sleep you nut,” Joel playfully grouched, pulling the linen blanket up around the two of you to emphasize his point. 

After reaching back for one more sweet kiss from him, you finally relaxed and drifted off into a peaceful sleep. Despite the fact that Joel had been awake for well over 24 hours, he refused to sleep, preferring to keep watch as his little family napped. Perhaps it was true that an average man needed rest, especially if he wanted to keep his sanity, but Joel Miller was not average in any sense of the word. 

Joel had lived a life full of cruelty, heart break, and unbearable tragedy, which had twisted the very basis of his humanity into something not quite human. Living with agonizing grief for years had hardened him, turning him into someone that even his own blood couldn’t recognize anymore. Nevertheless, the steel husk he had welded around his heart had been cracked open by you, which had forced him to actually feel for the first time in years. You were like a shock to his system, bringing him back into the light with your sweet words and witty remarks. And as he held you and watched over the pups that shared both of your DNA, he refused to surrender to his own exhaustion, ensuring that nobody could push him back into that kind of darkness ever again. 

- You - 

The doctor had let you go home from the clinic after four days of close supervision, with strict instructions to keep your incision cleaned until it was fully healed. Joel had listened to her instructions on cleaning the wound with rapt attention, asking question after question until you had to cut him off with a pointed look and thank her for her time. He had grumbled at that a bit, but ultimately let it go so that he could help you lug the twins back towards your shared home. Without the luxuries of modern technology, there was no car waiting to pick you up when you finally left the clinic. Instead, all you got was a jumpy alpha that glared at any resident that looked at his family for too long as he held his son close to his chest. 

Alba had fussed in your arms the entire way home, angered by the slight jostles and the way the incessant wind blew her dark curls across her forehead. Meanwhile Ellis, as always, had been the more stoic of the pair and simply held on tight to Joel’s index finger with a firm scowl on his face as he was carried back home. You tried not to be jealous that Joel had picked the calmer of the two, but it was hard not to be when your legs wobbled with every step you took, your deflated tummy still hanging heavy as your abdomen healed. The doctor had assured you multiple times that the swelling would go down in the next two months as the fluids that your body retained were flushed out, but you were still not a fan of the way it looked in the meantime. 

When the four of you had arrived home, you were greeted with a clean house that had a small pile of welcome home baskets stacked in the living room. Most of them came from family, and there was even one that was from the staff at the clinic, but you were touched to see that quite a few vaguely familiar Jackson residents had dropped off some goodies for your family. If you weren’t so tired that day, it probably would have made you cry. 

“Christ, your mama filled our fridge with a whole bunch of stuff. I think we should be set for at least a week or two,” Joel called from down the hall. 

It didn’t surprise you that she had been by. In fact, it was your mother who had been the first to visit you at the clinic. At first you were nervous to allow her in, childish fears about the mother she had been for you creeping up as she stepped in the room. Nevertheless, you also felt like you understood her more now. Although you would never do the things she did to ensure your survival, the use of bitter words and harsh slaps to correct your own children’s behavior out of the question, you understood now that she was trying to keep you safe. In a group where the roles were set so rigidly that anyone who went against them would be killed, she had tried to mold you into a perfect little omega so that nobody would dare question your place. 

If you were not allowed out with the other kids, then there was no way you were going to be caught doing something that would lead to more trouble. There would be no unplanned pregnancies or drunken shenanigans under her watch. Similarly, if you were too scared to speak up, then you would never be punished by your own husband as she had been by hers. There were things about you that she couldn’t change, like the fact that you were a product of an unmarried couple or that your father had not come from a Christian background, but she could distract them by making you flawless. You understood her decision, and even though you would never come to the same conclusion for your own children, you knew now that it had come from a place of love rather than hate. 

It was after your mother had held both Ellis and Alba, commenting on how much they resemble their parents with a soft smile gracing her face, that she had promised to prepare the house for your arrival. Although the both of you had tried to shoo her away, claiming that it was unnecessary since the house was already more or less ready, you were now glad she had persisted. And it seemed that she had help, as you noted the pack and play that had been brought up from the basement in the corner of the living room. Stepping closer to it, you smelled hints of both Tommy and Cooper’s scents lingering on the fabric, which brought a small smile to your face at the kind gesture. 

After your mother had left, Tommy and Maria had come back to be reintroduced to the pair without their business faces on. You had watched as Tommy ribbed his older brother for passing on his features to Ellis, remarking that they looked cuter on the pup with a grin. Joel had rolled his eyes and held his hands out for the boy, grumbling about how annoying the younger man was as he snatched his son away from him. They hadn’t stayed long, too busy with the search to linger for more than an hour, but you could tell Joel appreciated it nonetheless. 

Once they were gone, Cooper had come in for a short visit. He was under strict instructions to report back to his bedridden mate and had come toting a bag of supplies that you knew Jake had picked out personally based on the contents alone. Cooper didn’t strike you as the type to think of sanitary napkins and face wash. His presence warmed your heart as much as it had made you laugh, and you quickly relieved the perpetually anxious man from his duty after he had held both of the pups for a few moments. Cooper had sighed in relief and thanked you for allowing him to come in, explaining how Jake had warned him that he would waddle over to the clinic himself if his mate didn’t go in his place. 

And now, with twins thoroughly introduced to your loved ones, it was up to the two of you to raise them. It felt… weird, and you weren’t sure what to do with yourself as you stood in the living room with the whimpering pup in your arms. During your pregnancy, you had endlessly prepared for the birth like it was the end of times (no pun intended). But nobody had ever mentioned how strange it would feel once you were home with them. You had no idea what you were supposed to do with either of them now. 

“Honey? Did you hear what I said?,” Joel asked, striding towards you so that he could take Alba off your hands. 

You let him take her, thankful for the few pounds of extra weight being lifted from your arms as your legs shook from the exertion of the walk home. If Joel noticed, he didn’t say anything about it, but you noticed that he did practically herd you towards the couch like he was some type of sheepdog. Although you could tell he wanted you to sit, you were too keyed up to do anything but stand nervously by the couch and wring your hands together as you tried to think of the next steps to take. 

“What are we supposed to do with them now? I mean, do we just let them sleep? What do we do in the meantime? Oh my god, should we be watching them while they sleep? What happens if we don’t?,” you questioned him, the words rushing out of your mouth in a jumbled mess. 

Sensing your growing distress, Joel spied the pack and play in the corner of the room and hastened towards it so that he could lay the two infants down. Once they were settled, he retraced his steps back to you and plopped down on the couch. Before he could even ask, you clambered on top of him so that you could be soothed by his warmth. With a sigh, you pressed your face into his neck and mindlessly kissed at the skin below his ear. Joel didn’t shy away from your touch, instead he reached up and dug one hand into your messy hair so that he could rub circles into your scalp, meanwhile the other hand lightly scratched your back. 

“There’s no rule book on what parents get up to when their pups are asleep baby, if we’re tired then we’ll sleep. If not, we’ll find something else to do. Hell, all them reusable diapers are gonna have to be washed at some point. Plus, we still gotta make sure we’ve got time to shower and eat ourselves. There will be loads to do, just wait for it mama,” Joel murmured. 

“I guess,” you sighed, “I just feel like I should already be doing something for them ya know?” 

He chuckled, pulling back so that he could get a better look at you. Both of his rough hands came up to cradle your face and you hummed when you felt Joel’s thumbs brush over your cheeks. 

“Yeah baby, I know how you feel. When Sarah was born, I nearly ran myself ragged trying to stay up in case she needed me, but after a while I realized she was fine. If she needed me, she’d cry and if not, I’d sleep or clean. S’not rocket science,” he explained. 

“Okay,” you relented, kissing the side of his face before you buried yourself back into his neck. 

And as it turned out, Joel was mostly right. The first few days home were weird, as you were still unsure of what to do with yourself and had a hard time getting up without his help due to your healing incision, but you had slowly healed and gotten the hang of being a parent. Even though the twins were a handful, as one would set the other off and start a screaming match that inevitably led to them teaming up to bring the house down, you wouldn’t trade it for the world. As you watched their tiny faces take shape, with both of them looking more like you and Joel each day, you suddenly had a hard time remembering a time without them. And it wasn’t just the pups that caught your attention. 

Watching Joel return to his former glory as a father made you fall madly in love with him all over again. It was like their arrival had revitalized him, turning him into the papa bear you had hoped he would become. You couldn’t help but be enamored with him as you watched him care for the pups, singing to them when he thought you weren’t listening, or carrying them around the house to show them the things their tiny eyes had never seen before. It made you want to give him a bus load of them, but you had to keep those thoughts to yourself unless you wanted Joel to have an aneurysm. 

Needless to say, life was surprisingly good for the first few weeks of their lives, and before you knew it the twins had turned two months old. Joel had yet to return to work and neither had you, the two of you deciding to not push the subject on account of the lack of leads regarding your kidnapper, but that was okay. Life was good as long as you ignored the fear that still lurked in the background, the same fear that had moved both of the cribs into your bedroom for the foreseeable future and slid a baseball bat under Joel’s side of the bed. 

Most of your days were spent ignoring that fear, focusing instead on the two pups that had changed your lives. With your incision completely healed and the twins in perfect health, the four of you had spent much of September taking walks around the quieter parts of town to enjoy the good weather while it lasted. And when it wasn’t particularly nice out, Joel would play music for them or you would read aloud until they calmed down. It was a quiet life for the time being, but you didn’t mind it at all. It was the kind of life you had once thought to be a pipedream. 

Nevertheless, after two months of the bliss that came with beginning a new life together as parents, it was quite a shock when Tommy showed up on your doorstep red faced and panting one night after supper. With Alba clumsily batting at your face, you opened the door and let him in with a confused look. 

“Sorry about the surprise visit, sweetheart. Wasn’t my intention to interrupt any schedule y’all might have the two little hell raisers on,” Tommy said sheepishly, a flush creeping up his neck as he did. 

“No, that’s alright. Everyone is fed and changed, we’re just doing tummy time right now. Ellis is giving his dad some attitude lately, so Joel is on a mission,” you sighed, carefully prying your hair out of Alba’s fist before she had a chance to yank it. 

“Tummy time? Shit, I gotta see that,” the beta laughed, making you roll your eyes at him as you turned back towards the rest of your family. 

Tommy followed you into the living room where Joel laid on the floor, softly encouraging Ellis to lift his head from the mat. Whereas Alba seemed to have no issue looking up at both of her parents when she was called, her brother seemed to only be interested in listening to you. It was hard not to be smug about it each time the pup refused to heed his father’s call, but you tried to keep it at bay for Joel’s sake. Ellis’s refusal was funny at first, with Joel rolling his eyes at your poor attempts to hide your gloating, but you could tell that it was starting to get to him. He was determined to get Ellis’s attention, even though it was clear that the pup’s ears worked fine, he was just simply ignoring his dad. 

“Better be careful Joelie, wouldn’t want a senior citizen such as yourself breaking a damn hip getting up from there,” Tommy teased. 

“Ha ha, very funny asshole,” Joel grumbled, rolling his eyes as he pulled himself into a seated position so that he could lift Ellis from the mat, “Better have a good reason for coming here unannounced, you’re interrupting tummy time and I almost got him to look up just now.” 

If someone would have told you a year ago that the man who had plucked you from the riverside, the same one who kept you at arm’s length due to his own grief and who struck fear in the hearts of many, would be scolding his brother for disturbing your son’s tummy time, you would have laughed in their face. But life has a weird way of defying all expectations, for better or for worse. And this time, it was for the better, as all of your wildest fantasies about the rugged older alpha had become a reality. In fact, it had turned out better than you could have imagined, as you now had the kind of partner who actually saw the real you and instead of being afraid or disgusted, he loved you even more. 

“Tummy time? Bleh Joel, are you serious?,” his brother groaned, shaking his head as he did. 

“Deadly,” Joel shot back, glaring at his brother for poking fun at the silly name. 

You rolled your eyes at the impromptu standoff between the two men, recognizing the tell tale signs of their ongoing brotherly bickering. All of the complicated past between the two men had been forgiven since your pregnancy, but this was something else. This was about a constant need to fuck with eachother, regardless of how stupid or petty it may seem to anyone else. Being an only child, you had never experienced it first hand, but you had grown accustomed to the sibling rivalry between the two brothers. And as they tried to scald each other with their glares over the stupid comment, you knew you had to shut it down before the juvenile name calling started. 

“Alright, alright,” you cut in, making the two of them turn your way, “Can you two knock it off? I already have two kids, I don’t need another two.” 

They apologized in unison, giving eachother one last childish glare before they finally broke apart from one another. Joel wordlessly scooped Alba from your arms, leaving a kiss on your cheek before he transferred the twins over to their pack and play. Like you, he gave them both a soft kiss on their ridiculously chubby cheeks, something that warmed you from the inside out as you watched him from across the room. When he straightened up, he caught your grin and matched it, hastening over to your side so he could steal another smooch from you. It was messy, as the two of you were smiling too wide for it to last very long, but that didn’t matter. What mattered was the dopey, love fueled grins you gave each other afterwards. 

“Jesus fucking Christ, if I thought y’all were bad before,” Tommy scoffed, making his brother turn away from you with a frustrated sigh. 

“What the hell do you want Tommy? We’re a bit busy being new parents at the moment, can’t you see that? I know Frankie is five now, but you gotta remember what it’s like,” Joel griped. 

It was then that you knew something was wrong. Rather than a witty remark, Tommy’s face fell, any annoying jest he had on his mind about how obsessed the two of you were with each other dying on his tongue in an instant. Joel stiffened at your side at the change in his brother’s demeanor and slipped his hand into yours. You numbly let Joel lead you both to the couch, where you sat and anxiously waited for whatever bomb that was about to be dropped. Tommy marched over and sat on the loveseat across from you, his right leg shaking nervously for a few seconds before he slapped his hands against his thighs and began. 

A pin drop could have been heard in the room when Tommy started to speak and you could practically taste the blood that had to be filling Joel’s mouth, as his brother’s words made him start gnawing on the inside of his cheek like it was made of leather. According to Tommy, the identities of the people who had helped Fabien smuggle you out of Jackson had finally been revealed. It was a conflicting update, as you weren’t sure whether you should be overjoyed that they were found or terrified about what was to come. 

Having been busy being pregnant for the majority of your time in Jackson, you hadn’t had the chance to get into any trouble and had no idea what sort of justice system they had in place. And despite your fears, you were forced to continue to listen to Tommy’s tale, regardless of the fact that you were drowning. 

Tommy steamrolled through the obvious discomfort on both of your faces, explaining how it had been hard for them to know for sure, as the culprits had been found out due to a drunken confession from one of them at the Tipsy Bison. However, a quick investigation had revealed the truth. The first man was found to be guilty when Joel’s forgotten lunchbox turned up in the bottom of his locker at work, kept like some sort of trophy for his misdeeds. Meanwhile the second had been stupid enough to keep the remainder of the chemicals that had been used to knock you out in his home. 

“I wanna have a talk with them,” Joel answered immediately, his words laced with venom as he said it. 

“Joel, you know that it don’t work like that here. We’re trying to make this a civilized place, which means that there has to be a trial and we gotta-” 

“What happened at the bar?,” you asked, uncaring of whatever bullshit explanation he was about to give for the sake of diplomacy. 

To you, these two strangers were as good as dead. They had threatened you while you were in labor and therefore, they had threatened your children. That meant that their days were numbered. You didn’t care what the jury in Jackson ruled, you were going to kill them with your bare hands. And based on the sour stench leaking from Joel’s pores, you knew that you weren’t going to be alone in your quest to end their sorry lives. 

“One of them is a regular down at the Bison, he had a few too many one night and started talkin’ nonsense to Seth. Nothing unusual for folks there, but this time he started spoutin’ off about some pregnant omega and getting back at her ‘asshole alpha’,” Tommy said, only to be cut off by a vicious growl from his brother. 

Rage ping ponged back and forth between the bond you shared, making the both of you grow more irritated by the second, but you knew that someone had to remain rational. So instead of baring your teeth and screaming obscenities at the top of your lungs like you wanted to, you squeezed Joel’s thigh with your free hand, bringing him back down to earth before he could run off towards the prison cells for his revenge. When he was calmed, you nodded at Tommy to continue and shifted closer to Joel, anchoring him to his seat by crawling into his lap as his brother started again. 

“Anyways uh, Seth tapped Maria on the shoulder. Turns out, Joel busted a beer bottle over the guy’s head about four years ago. Guess he kept a grudge. He was the one that um… helped carry her out through the breach. He was the one with your bag,” Tommy uttered, clearly worried about his brother’s reaction. 

Joel sucked his teeth in annoyance. He had already explained to you the details of that eventful night, where he had gone to the bar looking to get hammered and fight the first idiot to come his way. That night he was lucky enough to be blessed with a grade A asshole who was bragging about cheating on his girlfriend to his buddies. Fueled by nothing but whiskey and endless grief, Joel had slammed his face into the bar until it was cracked open and gushing heavy spurts of blood, only stopping when he was physically restrained. In your first few months in Jackson, he had pointed the man out to you at the general store and you remembered trying hard not to react to the scars your mate had left on his face. At the time, you had even felt bad for the guy. 

“Who else?,” Joel asked gruffly, a strange mix of anger and guilt written all over his face as he did. 

“The dining hall guy,” his brother responded. 

Ah yes, of course, you thought, the dining hall guy. 

That man had remained a mystery to you until two weeks after the twins had been born, when a random bushy haired man had glared at your family from the porch of the fabric store. You had elbowed Joel in the ribs, muttering to him about the strange man whose gaze was burning a hole through the side of your face. Joel had furrowed his brow and followed your eye back towards the offender, sighing when he realized who it was. 

It was then that Joel had been forced to go into full detail about how he had thrown a man over a table at the dining hall one morning and whipped him with a tray until he fell unconscious. The reasoning behind that one was tricky, as the poor bastard was more a victim of circumstance than anything else. After the particularly rough first night back in Jackson, with the effects of nearly two bottles of whisky still poisoning his blood, the man had made the mistake of pushing Joel to get towards the breakfast line. Hammered and itching for some sort of brawl, Joel had attacked. 

When you learned about what Joel had done to both of these men, you could tell that he felt remorse about it at the time. Although the asshole at the Bison probably deserved a slap for cheating on his girlfriend, he didn’t deserve a lifetime of scars. And even though the other guy probably should have excused himself rather than push his way towards the line, that was no reason to knock a few teeth loose with a hard plastic tray. Nevertheless, as you watched his entire body go rigid at your elusive kidnappers finally being unmasked, you knew that any remorse he held for them was long gone. In a world like this one, vengeance was a fool’s game, but that didn’t mean that the alluring nature of the pointless act didn’t call to the both of you. 

“What’s going to happen now?,” you asked when Joel stayed silent, the alpha seemingly imprisoned in his own fury. 

Tommy sighed, “They’re in jail now, so y’all don’t have to worry no more about people coming after ya. They’ll have a trial in a week and then they’ll be sentenced. In the meantime, we’ll have to figure out how to seal the breach so that nobody else can just waltz in here.”

“Where was it?,” Joel piped up, still staring at his hands with his face set. 

“There is a manhole near the stables. It leads down to the sewer line and pops out a few miles east of the wall, right below where the river drops off. We found a piece of her dress snagged on a branch near there. I’m real sorry to ya both, we thought all the sewage tunnels had collapsed.”

An indignant sound came from Joel, one that had the hairs on the back of your neck standing straight up.   

“They took my pregnant mate through an abandoned sewer tunnel… during a storm? And they carried her out through the river? The same one that swells up every single time it rains?,” Joel questioned. 

It wasn’t what Joel was saying that was making you nervous, it was the way he said it. His voice had turned robotic, with his deep timber flat and devoid of any emotion as he asked his questions. Tommy felt the shift as well and leaned forward in his seat, almost as if he was ready to jump on his brother’s back if he tried to rush off towards the jail cells. 

“They did do all of that but uh, I don’t want y’all to worry. Like I said, there will be a trial and there will be justice. There ain’t no way they’re walking away from this, I can promise you that. People might feel some way about Joel, but there’s a line and they crossed it the second they kidnapped a pregnant omega,” Tommy promised. 

The numbness you felt only worsened at that, forcing you to nod and make the affirmative noises you needed to make in order to get Tommy out of the house as quickly as possible. Joel did the same, grunting and nodding along as his brother explained that the two men would likely be either hanged or shot in the coming weeks for their crimes against the community. But deep down, you knew that there was already a plan taking shape in Joel’s mind that didn’t include any of Jackson’s authorities. 

“Alright well, like I said there will be a trial and y’all are more than welcome to come to it. Until then, try to take it easy. And please, for the love of God, don’t be getting up to any trouble,” Tommy begged. 

Joel grunted his affirmation, waving his brother off before he could fuss too much. Tommy sighed at his brother’s soured mood and turned towards the entryway, pausing to look at you as he reached the door to the mudroom. 

“That goes for the BOTH of you. I want no funny business from either Bonnie or Clyde, you hear me?,” he asked, with his finger pointed directly at you. 

“I have no fucking idea who you’re talking about old man, but sure,” you mumbled, too tired and pissed off to pretend to know who he was referring to. 

Despite his anger, you heard Joel snort from beside you as his brother gawked at your response. You shrugged, reminding him once again that you were only five years old when the outbreak had started. How were you supposed to remember every supposedly legendary character in the movies you’d never get to see or the notable figures in the textbooks you’d never have a chance to read? Most of your life before meeting Joel was spent trying to do one thing: survive. 

“You don’t know who -,” Tommy stopped and shook his head, “Jesus Christ Joel, you really were robbing the cradle with this one. I can’t believe my fucking ears, she don’t even know who god damn Bonnie and Clyde are.”

“Oh my fucking god, goodbye Tommy,” you groaned. 

“Get out of here you little shit,” Joel snapped, his words overlapping with yours and matching your annoyance. 

With that, Tommy left, leaving the two of you to a silent house after the door clicked shut behind him. Neither one of you said anything for a while, too wrapped up in all that had been revealed to speak. However, you were parents now, which meant that the moment Ellis started whining for his last meal before bed, the two of you were up. 

Like a well oiled machine, you worked together to get the twins into their cribs. While you fed a very squirmy Ellis, Joel took Alba upstairs for a quick bath and a fresh onesie for bed. After you were done, you switched, before meeting up in the master bedroom to lay them down for the night. Once they were down, the two of you crept out of the room like you were art thieves pulling off an elaborate heist. Joel motioned for you to follow him after he shut the door and for the first time since bringing them home, you left them alone. Still, you didn’t go very far, as Joel opted to veer into the spare room by the stairs that had yet to be used for anything other than storage. 

Neither one of you moved to pull the door completely shut behind you, as you were both still too nervous to cut yourselves off from the twins completely. Instead, you left it slightly ajar, providing just enough coverage to muffle the sound of your voices while also allowing you both to hear any noises that came from outside. It wasn’t that you were worried about not hearing the pups, especially with the way Alba screamed her heart out at the drop of a hat, it was the ever present fear of someone taking them that still lingered in your minds. 

Joel sat on the edge of the bed, directly on top of a pile of fabrics you had sworn you would use to sew new disposable diapers for Ellis and Alba. Of course that hadn’t happened, as you were much too busy with nursing and getting adjusted to being a mom to take time to finish any projects. And so they had sat, collecting dust until he had plopped down on top of them. With a sigh, you joined him, a headache already forming behind your eyes as you did. It didn’t take a genius to guess what was running through both of your minds, so you decided to rip the band-aid off and say it. 

“I want them both gone Joel and I think we should deal with it ourselves,” you said, giving life to the vindictiveness that grew like weeds in your chest. 

Joel didn’t answer, all you got in response was a sigh, followed by him lifting you into his lap so that the two of you were nose to nose. Like two puzzle pieces coming back together, you buried one of your hands into his overgrown curls, scritching at his scalp with one hand while the other rested against his steadily beating heart. Joel released another breath and snuck a hand under your shirt, drawing soothing circles onto your hip while the other rubbed the tension from the muscles in your back. 

You stayed like that for a while, gathering more strength from each other with every breath you took. The two of you melted together, until your forehead was resting against his and he was looking deep into your eyes. Not a word was said by either of you, but you knew what his answer was nonetheless. 

There were two men in Jackson who had threatened your family, two men that would not be allotted the fair trial they were promised for the crimes they had committed. Neither Joel, nor you, cared about justice. What you both cared about was keeping the twins safe, no matter the consequences. Which meant that if there was even the slightest possibility that they might let off easy, the two of you were going to see to it that a divine intervention took place. 

“Y’know what darling? It’s been about two months since the pups were born, don’t ya think it’s time for mom and dad to have a little date night?,” Joel asked, a wry grin spreading out on his face as he did. 

Joel’s eyes twinkled with a wicked playfulness as he grinned at you. Any other person would have been terrified of your mate as he was in that moment, unhinged and ready to pounce on his prey at the drop of a hat, but it stirred up something needy inside of you. Something that, up until two weeks ago, you had been banned from pursuing and still had yet to accomplish due to the hectic schedule attached to having twins. Although you knew that this “date night” would not be the usual kind, you decided right then and there that there was no reason that the two of you couldn’t have a quickie on the way back. 

Joel was brutal like this, all revved up to tear through his enemies, and for some reason it worked on you. It was the way he was willing to do literally anything for your family that turned you on, along with the natural intensity he always carried himself with. Like you, Joel Miller did not love many people, but when he did, he did it with every fiber of his being. To be loved by Joel was to be loved by a raging ocean. It was a constant flood of affection and warmth that swept you away, keeping you enveloped beneath the surface of it forever. 

Not that you had ever once wanted to be saved from it. 

-

The next week moved along slowly as you both prepared. It was risky, especially with how Maria felt about Joel’s place in Jackson, but you didn’t care. Their bodies would be long gone before morning, leaving nothing behind but empty cells for the guards to find when they went to bring them in for their trial. Little did the Jackson community know, the two men had already been sentenced the second they had made the decision to mess with your family. 

Everything was planned out. Jake and Cooper would take the twins, which you had thanked them endlessly for due to the fact they had a newborn as well, one who would undoubtedly be peeved by the racket your pups made on a daily basis. Nevertheless, your best friend had volunteered at the first mention of your sex life having yet to be revived, excitedly agreeing before his mate could say no. 

“Oh my God, why didn’t you start with that? Of course we’ll watch them! Allie has gone all big sister mode for Miriam, I’m sure she’s gonna lose it when she hears that her cousins are going to stay the night,” Jake had babbled excitedly. 

You had watched as he had smacked his mate’s arm, forcing Cooper to give a less than enthusiastic thumbs up to the impromptu sleepover. You didn’t blame the alpha, the thought of having three newborns and a toddler in your house for the night made you want to puke. Nevertheless, you had agreed to the one stipulation that the couple had laid out for you; that you would return the favor to them once they were ready to go on their own date nights. After packing a few bottles of breastmilk for the sleepover, thanking every higher power that Joel had finally managed to score a breast pump from a chance visit to the market, you kissed their chubby cheeks and sent them along to be dropped off by their father.  

Joel had the harder task, distracting his own family from watching his every move as they had been since the perpetrators were caught. To her credit, your mother had helped him in his endeavors. Since the rescue mission that the two of them had gone on together, you still would not call them close by any means, but they had an odd sort of camaraderie. This comradery they shared had weirded you out at first, especially when you heard about the trail of bodies your usually rule-abiding mother had left behind, but you were more than happy to reap the rewards of their strange relationship when Joel managed to score a favor from his partner in crime.   

Maria and Tommy would be, much to their dismay, entertaining the woman in question who was under strict instructions to stall. Whereas Maria would have been harder to crack, your mother was skilled in the art of sniffing out the weaknesses in other people, and had gone in for the kill when her husband was alone. All it took was a few minutes of persistence and Tommy was putty in her hands, agreeing to her idea of a dinner without ever checking in with his mate. Joel had relayed to you how that went with a chuckle, recounting the look of surprise Maria had on her face when Tommy told her, followed by the sharp words she had done a poor job at concealing as they left the dining hall to prepare for the visit. 

With everything set in place, all that was left to do was look the part. You weren’t sure what normal people wore on a date, having never been on one yourself, but you figured it would be good to keep up appearances as you walked throughout town together. Plus, if it made Joel look at you like you wanted him to, the way that made you feel like you were some sort of ethereal being, who said you couldn’t have your cake and eat it too?

Which led you to where you were, standing in front of the mirror as you fixed up the bit of makeup you had snagged from Jake. Although you had dressed reasonably, a clean pair of jeans with no holes paired with a shirt that actually kept your swollen breasts tamped down, you had elected to give yourself a bit of a pick me up in the form of cosmetics. After finishing with the chalky blush that was likely wildly expired, you smoothed down your hair once more and tried to settle your nerves. 

Was it too much? You hoped not. Joel had never told you to dress up, but you wanted to surprise him. For two months, you had to watch as your mate truly came into his own as a father. And whereas you were too exhausted to care much about appearances, for some reason Joel looked unbelievably hot as a disheveled dad. It was as annoying as it was endearing. Which is why you decided to actually try, hoping to give yourself a much needed confidence boost after two months of wearing nothing but baggy clothes that the twins would inevitably spit up on. Nevertheless, the longer you stood in the entryway mirror, the more time you had to focus on the new insecurities that came with birthing two pups. 

“Christ darling, I should take you out on fake dates more often,” a voice laden with a familiar southern twang drawled from behind you, lifting you from the pit of despair in an instant. 

Your eyes lit up as you turned, coming face to face with the devilishly handsome man that took your breath away. Although Joel had not spruced himself to any great degree, you noticed how his hair had been artfully tousled and pushed back with a gel that you knew he had to have borrowed from Tommy. His flannel was clean, along with his jeans, and he had recently shaved. Looking at the absolut hunk you were lucky to call your mate, you realized that he had the same idea.  

“If you promise to clean up like that everytime, then hell ya you should,” you shot back, stepping forward to smooth out his collar for him. 

Joel smiled wide, a bit of pink dusting the highs of his cheekbones from the compliment. He grabbed your hand when you were finished fixing his collar, kissing the back of it as he stared at you so lovingly that you forgot how to breathe. It was a twisted sort of love that the two of you shared, one that held the sweetest moments mixed in with all the chaos and bloodshed, and yet you didn’t want it any other way. You wanted Joel, in all his gentleness and in all his brutality, for as long as he’d have you. 

“The twins are with their uncles and your mama should be on her way over to Tommy’s right now. Are you ready pretty girl?,” he asked, giving you the out that he knew you were never going to take. 

“Let’s do this handsome,” you replied, taking his hand and leaving the safety of your shared home behind. 

A chill had settled over Jackson as September neared its end, something that you had originally cursed. Joel’s birthday was coming up and you had originally planned to do a little picnic as a family, knowing that he’d probably hate anything flashy. However, as you walked hand in hand through the silent streets, you praised mother nature for her unpredictability. With many of the Jackson residents holed up in their homes to save themselves from the brisk nights, there was nobody else around when you finally made it to the small jailhouse along one of the main strips. 

Joel reached into the breast pocket of his coat, brandishing one of the keys he had stolen from his brother’s coat in preparation. The lock opened with a click and Joel nodded to you to go in first, easing the door shut behind him so that he wouldn’t alert anyone who might be lurking in the neighboring shops. You padded through the building, quietly peeking into the empty rooms to ensure there were no guards milling about until you reached the last one. 

“Are you sure about this baby? I know that you said that this is what you wanted, but you can back out at any time. I wouldn’t be mad if you just wanted t-”

“- I said that I wanted them dead Joel and I meant that shit,” you cut him off, voice laden with unmitigated rage, “If you want to turn back then go, I’ll meet you back at the house when I’m done, but I need to make these fuckers cry.” 

Joel smiled widely, almost maniacally, at your bitter words. In two steps, he was in front of you, grabbing your face so that he could kiss you with all of his might. It felt like he was trying to consume you, to squeeze every part of you with his meaty hands as he feasted on the inside of your mouth. And all you could do was take it, already so intoxicated from his touch that Joel had to place a hand on the small of your back to keep you upright. He poured everything he had into that kiss, leaving you breathless and spinning when he finally pulled away. You loved it, and him, so much so that you couldn’t help but leave him with a smattering of pecks all over his face in thanks. 

“Shit honey, I never would have thought that the sweet girl I found by the river would be doing this shit with me. You are fucking nuts and I love you so god damn much for it,” he murmured against your lips. 

“Oh please,” you laughed, “What sweet girl? Last time I checked, I tried to get in your pants almost immediately after meeting you and later went on a murder spree. WE are fucking nuts babe, or else our first date night would probably look a little different than this.” 

Joel chuckled, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” 

“I love you too Joel. There’s nobody else for me, it could only be you,” you sighed, smiling when he brushed a lock of hair behind your ear. 

“Ready?,” Joel asked again, looking deeply into your eyes as he did. 

“What are we waiting for baby? Let’s kick some ass,” you answered, making his smile grow even wider. 

Another kiss was shared, this one slightly more desperate and mean than the other, broken by Joel only after it became clear that the two of you were wasting precious time. Although you longed for him to ravish you against the wall, to drill into you so hard that the guilty parties behind the door could hear the way your pussy gushed around his cock, there was something you needed even more than that. A soft kiss was placed on your cheek before you parted, giving you one final moment of gentleness before Joel swung the door open with all of his might. 

- Joel -

There was something about you like this that drove Joel absolutely fucking wild. Although he had originally been too stupid to believe that it was you that had killed so many of Paul’s men while he was imprisoned, he now got to witness the monstress those men had encountered first hand and she was impressive. It was like there were two versions of the woman he loved, the first being the caring partner who doted upon her family every waking moment, while the second was a ruthless killer that took pleasure in the pain of those who had wronged her. Joel was slightly embarrassed to admit, but it made his pants tighter to see you so mean and he had to subtly readjust himself quite a few times as he watched you work. 

After knocking the two assholes out, the two of you had used the cover of night to drag their unconscious bodies through the same breach they had dragged you through, which you had called poetic justice. Neither of you stopped until you were out of the sewers and a few miles outside of Jackson’s walls so that nobody, not even a patrol that was late getting back from their evening shift, could hear them scream. Luckily, there was a small barn that sat next to an old dilapidated farmhouse a few miles out, one that had made you both smile when you saw all the tools hanging on the walls. 

The man who had stolen the lunchbox and kept it as a trophy had gone first. His tough guy act had been dropped fast, as Joel had launched at him the second he got the go ahead from you. There was something so personal about the way the man had stolen the bag you had sewn for him, the same one that you had filled with a lunch and walked down to the stables to give to him directly, and it made Joel a bit unhinged. While he beat the man into a bloody pulp, his buddy had watched in horror, astounded at the brutality before him. 

Joel had to admit that he went a little overboard with the first guy, too furious to make it last like he had wanted it to, but you didn’t seem to mind. You watched him the entire time, never once flinching or asking him to stop, and had even leaned into the other man’s ear to toy with him a bit while his friend was killed. He didn’t hear what you said but whatever it was, it had the other man shaking like a leaf the second you pulled away from him. 

With most of his rage quelled from killing the first man, Joel allowed you to take the lead with the second. As he watched you toy with the man some more, draining him both physically and mentally, he felt like he was getting to see a whole new side of his mate. When Tommy had sat across from him in a rundown bar two months ago and said that Joel had found his match in the supposedly “feral” omega he had claimed, he hadn’t fully understood what his brother meant. To him, you were the sweetest and most forgiving person in the world. But as he saw the fear in the man’s eyes as you tore off his fingernails one by one and promised to wipe any trace of his existence off the face of the planet, he suddenly understood what Tommy meant. Despite the misleading appearance, you were someone who should be feared, just like him. 

When you finally decided that the man had had enough, you slit his throat. More blood sprayed from the gaping wound, further soiling your already blood stained clothes as you watched the wretched man fall to the floor and die. What a shame, Joel thought to himself. He really had liked that top on you, but oh well. This was more important anyways. The man’s body jerked one last time before it stilled for good, eyes blindly staring up at the rafters as his murderer stepped over his body to get to her lover. 

“Alright honey?,” Joel asked when you reached him, uncaring of how filthy either of you were as he wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you against him. 

“Best first date ever,” you sang, pushing some of the curls that had flopped onto his forehead out of the way. 

“Christ, you’re fucking sick,” he chuckled, with not a hint of judgement in his voice as he did. 

“And you love it,” you pointed out with a mischievous grin. 

Joel couldn’t deny it, he loved every bit of you, even the parts that might make others quiver with fear. Which was why he didn’t care about the bodies on the floor of the barn or the blood splattered across the both of you when he lifted you up, smashing his lips against yours as he led you over to the workbench on the other side of the room. Desperate hands yanked at his flannel, uncaring as they ripped the buttons clean off so that they scattered all over the floor. He chuckled at your eagerness, pulling back for a second to catch his breath and stare at the absolute seductress clinging to him. His cock ached to be inside of you, ruthlessly thrusting away as your nails raked angry red lines down his back, but he hesitated. 

“Baby, there’s nothing else I’d rather do right now than fuck you like there’s no tommorrow, but are you sure? We ain’t done nothing since before the twins were born and if you’re not ready we can wait. I don’t mind going home and cuddling up on the -”

A desperate whine tore out of you, making his eyes widen as you began to scrabble at his belt buckle like you were starved for cock. Joel didn’t blame you for being desperate, at that point he could write a three part book series on how much he missed the taste of your dripping cunt on his tongue. 

“I’ve been waiting for you to fuck me for the past two weeks Joel, if you don’t do something to me in the next five minutes then I swear I’m going to go home and use the showerhead. I won’t even let you watch,” you threatened, which made his brain short circuit for a solid ten seconds. 

Joel grabbed your hands when he was back online, shooting you a pointed look that made you bite back a grin. Just like always, he fell into your trap so easily, completely powerless to your charm. He had originally thought that since it was the first time having sex since giving birth, he would go slow, sensually easing you back into the world of pleasure so that you didn’t feel any pain. However, it seemed that he had forgotten who it was that he was mated to. 

Joel had forgotten just how insatiable the two of you were for each other until that moment. He chuckled darkly when he remembered how he had once fucked you in your childhood bedroom, barely even two weeks after the both of you had almost died. Injuries be damned, you had swindled him into slamming himself into your silken walls, using you like a toy until he locked himself inside. Now, once again, you wanted him to give you his all and he was more than happy to oblige. 

“Aw, has daddy been neglecting you baby? I bet that pretty pussy has missed me, hm? Bet she needs something to stretch her out again. Probably soaking through those little panties, begging me to fuck her so hard that she never forgets who she belongs to,” Joel teased. 

The moan you let out at that was like music to his ears and Joel dropped your hands so that he could work his way down your body. He sucked angry marks into your neck, leaving behind dark little love bites for any resident of Jackson to see when they walked past you. It was pointless, as everyone in town already knew that you were his. If Joel’s claim over you wasn’t enough, the two pups that looked like miniature versions of the both of you simply had to be. Nevertheless, it soothed him to know that when they saw the fresh marks along your delicate skin that they would think of him. They would know that you were his and you were being taken care of by him alone.  

Joel helped you out of your shirt first, groaning at the sight of your tits spilling out of the only bra that could sort of hold them. Since they had begun to swell with milk, he had started to physically restrain himself from launching himself at you. Everytime you whipped your top off to change or shower, Joel felt like he was going to die if he didn’t get his face between them. Which was why he often found himself uttering a quick excuse so that he could jerk off in a quiet corner of the house, stroking himself until he came into his fist embarrassingly quick with your name on his lips. But as he tore the bra clean off your chest, there was nothing holding him back from his fantasies anymore. 

“Jesus fucking Christ honey, these are gonna kill me,” he loudly groaned, pressing kisses all over the taut skin around your sensitive nipples. 

“F-Fuck,” you whimpered, grabbing fistfuls of his curls when he finally popped one of the leaking buds into his mouth, insatiable for you as he sucked at it hard. 

Joel wasn’t sure what he expected, having never done this before with anyone, but he couldn’t stop himself even if he tried. He had dreamed of it for too long, shamefully tugging his cock raw to the thought of it in lieu of ever bringing it up. There weren’t many things in Joel’s life that had made him feel true embarrassment, but the thought of asking his mate to let him suck on her leaking tits as he played with his cock was up there. Plus, with you still healing from birthing the twins, he didn’t want you to feel like you HAD to help him fulfill his twisted little fantasy. 

A spurt of milk dripped onto Joel’s tongue and you both groaned, the fingers in his hair tightening yet not pulling him off as he drank it down. It was sweeter than he had originally thought it would be, with a slightly nutty taste that deepened the flavor, and he knew in an instant that he would forever be ravenous for more. At first he started slowly, his eyes rolling into the back of his head as he lost himself in the moment he had fantasized about for two months, but by the time he moved onto the other side he was greedy. He pulled the hardened nub between his teeth to suck at the sweetness, his cock throbbing already as you twitched and whined beneath him. 

“Joel, oh my god, fuuuck,” you moaned. 

He popped off your overly sensitive nipple, looking up at you with his pupils blown and a bit of breast milk leaking out the side of his mouth. Panting from his ministrations, you let out a needy sound at the sight of him and yanked him forward for a kiss. Joel groaned into it, letting you taste yourself as he delved deeper into your mouth. It was filthy, with the blood of your victims still splattered across your bodies as his tongue tangled with yours, but it only made him harder. You were his true love in every sense and he felt it so deeply in that moment that he almost cried. Which was why when the two of you finally broke apart for air, he couldn’t wait any longer. 

“I need to taste this pretty pussy honey, right fucking now or else I’m gonna lose it. You have no idea how much I’ve missed her,” Joel growled, kneeling before the workbench so that he could rip the clothes off your lower half and throw your legs over his shoulders. 

With your dripping cunt inches from his ravenous gaze, Joel licked his lips and looked up at you, waiting for any sign of hesitation on your part. Even though he was practically foaming at the mouth for a chance to bury his face between the softness of your thighs, he needed to know that it was okay, that he truly had the greenlight to have you as he had before. The shaky nod you gave him was all the permission Joel needed to begin and he grinned up at you wolfishly, licking a stripe up your seam with his broad tongue that made you whine his name. 

The fingers that delved into Joel’s hair urged him onwards and he parted your folds with his thick fingers, admiring the way your clit pulsed with need as slick steadily poured from your core. He gathered all of the spit in his mouth, dripping it from his mouth so that it made you jump when it landed on your clit. You didn’t need it, as you were already so wet that it was leaking onto the wood below your ass, but Joel wanted a part of himself added to the mix. Reaching forward, he rubbed his saliva into the hardened bud with slow circles, teasing you just enough to have you thrashing in his hold. 

“What baby? Thought you wanted me to touch ya,” Joel chuckled. 

You whimpered, “Please don’t be mean daddy, I’ve missed having you like this.”

The admission made Joel’s heart race, the poor organ thundering against the walls of his chest as his cheeks flushed red.  Although he loved seeing you thrive as a mom for the past two months and had no problem waiting for as long as you needed, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss it too. Having you in his grasp as you begged him for something that only he could give you was like every wet dream Joel had ever had come to life and he thanked his lucky stars that you humored him. 

“M’sorry sweet girl, you’re right. She needs me real bad, huh?,” he sighed, drawing circles over your hips as he did. 

“Since we got here daddy,” you pouted, breaking through his resolve with a set of doe eyes that played him like a fiddle, “Really liked watching you take charge, you looked so sexy and strong. Had to press my thighs together a few times when you weren’t looking, m’so achy for it.”

Joel cussed at that, cock jumping against his zipper as his mind reeled at your words. The thought of you getting off to him killing that man, just as he had got off to you killing the other, made him leak into his jeans. And you knew it would, Joel saw it in the way you bit your lip with the most innocent expression you could muster, practically begging him to fuck you until you were howling like a bitch in heat. 

“You’re such a dirty little slut for me, aren’t ya baby?,” Joel teased, laughing when a gush of slick further dampened the wood below you. 

The whimper you let out was turned into a high pitched keen when Joel leaned in and latched onto your core. It had been a long two months without your shaking thighs around his head as he drank you down like you were the finest brandy he had ever tasted, but he was finally home. He wasted no time, already so turned on that he had to reach down and release himself from his jeans before his dick had the permanent indent of a zipper on it for the rest of his life. 

“M-More, please, I need more,” you whined. 

The tugs on his graying curls grew increasingly persistent, until one sharp pull made him draw back from your core with a husky moan. The sharp sting traveled from his scalp, all the way down his spine, to his cock, which throbbed in response. Joel didn’t dare take himself in his hands, knowing that if he did it would be over in a few quick strokes. He was so pent up, so desperate for you, that he was surprised he hadn’t cum in his pants like a teenager when he was sucking on your nipples. Fearing that he might explode if he didn’t distract himself, he heeded your request. 

Joel watched your expressions closely as he slipped the first finger inside, testing the waters as he continued to circle your clit with his tongue just right. He waited a bit, stroking that sweet spot that only he could easily reach with the pad of his index finger until you begged him for more. When he was sure you were ready, another finger slipped in alongside the first, then another, until he had three fingers scissoring inside of you. He felt you open up for him, blooming beautifully under the digits that thrusted away inside your clenching walls as he sucked your clit between his lips, and it made his heart sing. Joel had been so worried that the first time back at it wouldn’t be fun for you, but as you shook and moaned beneath him, he was happy to have been mistaken. 

“J-Joel oh shit, yes, yes, yes. S’good, you’re so good, fuck,” you babbled, yanking him impossibly closer as you reached the precipice. 

He moaned at the sparks that skittered down his spine, bringing all of his nerve endings alive as you used him for your own pleasure. Just when Joel thought he might die if he didn’t taste your cum on his tongue, you let out a garbled cry and bucked against his face hard, making him slam your ass back down against the workbench so that he could work you through it. Your release bathed his face in the most delicious nectar he had ever tasted, the same one he had dreamed about for months, and he drank up every bit of it. Joel was insatiable, suckling at your folds like a man possessed until you were groaning from the overstimulation and weakly shoving him away from your spent core. 

“Oh my fucking god Joel, I’ve missed that,” you panted, giggling at him when he finally pulled his shiny face away from your folds. 

Joel playfully nipped at your hands when they reached down to clean some of the release from his face and his heart sang as he heard the full-blown belly laugh you gave him in return. He joined you, chuckling as he stood up and wrapped your twitching legs around his hips. The way you looked at him had him on cloud nine, so much so that he almost forgot about everything else. 

All Joel wanted in that moment was to hold you as tightly as he could, refusing to let go until you made him. However, when he leaned forward to fully embrace you, he felt his cock brush against your weeping slit and nearly blacked out. An embarrassingly loud groan that was half a whimper, half a garbled shout, rang out in the air and his fingers dug into your hips hard. He wasn’t sure how long he stood there, dizzy and panting as he tried to get it together, but it must have been a while because you had to say his name more than a couple times to get his full attention. 

“Joel,” you repeated, finally bringing him back from the fog he was under. 

Joel didn’t even realize that he had snapped his eyelids shut, too focused on not cumming before he had the chance to feel your walls wrap around him to pay attention to anything else. With the softest gaze, you pulled his face closer to yours and brushed your lips over his. Although he longed for you to claim his mouth in a searing kiss, you resisted him, continuing to ghost your lips over his until his entire body broke out in goosebumps. Joel was in a daze when you finally pulled away, completely drunk off of you as you cupped his face with both hands. In that moment, he would have torn his heart out of his chest and presented it to you on a silver platter if you asked him to. Hell, he’d do it anyway if he thought it would make you smile. 

“Stay with me baby, it’s just you and me,” you chided softly. 

Joel nodded dutifully at your request. How could he not? He had never claimed to be a particularly smart man, but when the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life was naked and asking something of him, he knew enough to not argue. Instead, Joel gripped his length and pressed it to your entrance, pausing to look at you for confirmation one last time before he pressed inside. 

“Still good honey?,” he checked in, ready to back down the second it became too much for you. 

“Please Joel, I need to feel you again. It's been way too long,” you begged, gazing up at him so lovingly that he felt his stomach do an excited little flip in response. 

“Okay baby, I gotchu. Just tell me if something hurts or you wanna slow down, okay? Please honey, I want to make you feel good. Promise me you’ll say something if m’not,” Joel implored. 

“I promise,” you whispered, closing the space between the two of you with a kiss that muffled his whiny moans as he pushed himself inside. 

Joel was slow at first, focusing on the way your lips felt against his to keep himself from slamming into you like he wanted to. He told himself that it was you he was worried about as he worked himself inside as gently as he could, but in reality it was him that was the issue. When Joel finally slid home, he let out a high pitched whimper that reddened the tops of his ears, his hips twitching as the half formed knot at the base of his cock begged him to fuck you into the workbench until you screamed. 

“Joel, you can move,” you mumbled, threading your fingers through his hair to scratch at his scalp. 

He shivered, letting out another desperate noise as he melted into you. Joel was at a loss for words, so drunk off your intoxicating scent that he felt like he wasn’t even in his body. Just seconds ago, he was the one calling the shots, and now all he could do was nose at the side of your neck as he let out the most pathetic whines. 

“M’sorry sweet girl, my girl, f-fuck,” Joel groaned, unable to keep himself from languidly thrusting in and out of you as he did, “I’m not going to last long, you feel too good, too soft, shii-it. This pussy is too fucking perfect, she’s fucking choking my cock baby fuuuck.” 

Joel’s hips stuttered as you clenched around him, making him pick up the pace a bit despite his attempts to keep himself under control. Nevertheless, it seemed that you were determined to break him and he hissed as he felt you clamp your teeth down on the gland on his neck. A rush of endorphins flowed through him as you broke the skin, your tongue sealing what must’ve been the hundredth claim you’ve made over him. It made all the muscles in his back tighten up but he tried hard not to completely lose it, ignoring the way that his cock was steadily leaking fat globs of precum into your stuffed cunt. 

“Don’t want you to hold back daddy, fuck me like you want to, like I’m your little slut. Want to see you cum for me, need it so bad. Don’t ya want to give it to me?” you asked softly. 

Joel’s eyes rolled into the back of his head at your filthy words. Although he was under strict orders from the doctor not to cum inside of you unless he wanted another mouth to feed before the other two were out of diapers, he suddenly wanted to throw caution to the wind and knot you anyways. He wouldn’t do that, but your words still made him draw his hips all the way back, until just the tip of his cock remained before he slammed himself back inside with one brutal thrust. Stilling for half a second for any pained cries from you, he was relieved to feel your fingers dig into his shoulders as your pussy eagerly welcomed him back in with a lewd squelch that echoed throughout the barn. 

“Shit darling, listen to how wet she is for me,” Joel drawled, starting an unforgivingly fast and hard pace that had you crying out for him in seconds. 

“J-J-J-,” you stuttered, already too fucked out to answer him as his hips pistoned into the cradle of yours with all his might. 

With a clenched jaw, Joel lifted one of your legs so that it hung over his shoulder, opening you up so that he could reach even deeper than before. He watched with a smug grin as you collapsed against the bench, head lolling against the wood as you babbled nonsense. The way your tits jiggled with each thrust as he rammed himself inside had him a daze. So much so that Joel barely registered your cries when he brought your other leg up to drape over his opposite shoulder, effectively bending you in half as he leaned forward to smash his lips into yours. 

The kiss was nothing more than an assertion of dominance, with him using his skilled tongue to make your mind spin as he fucked into you with all his might. Joel needed you to remember this, to remember how good he was at taking care of you like this so that you would never think to look at another. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew that there were other people in Jackson who had noticed how sexy you looked after bouncing back from having the twins. He saw the way they stared at your cleavage as you walked by, regardless of the way his bite marks stained your neck. Joel knew you had options and he trusted you completely, he just needed to remind you why you had picked him over the pricks in town that tried with all their might to peep down your shirt when they thought he wasn’t looking. 

“Mmmpfh, daddy please,” you squealed when he pulled away from the kiss to gulp down lungfuls of air, bringing him back from the spell you had him under just moments before. 

“What babygirl? What d’ya need?,” Joel huffed, continuing to pummel your pussy into submission as he did. 

You whimpered, too lost in pleasure to voice your request. Luckily, Joel knew you better than he knew himself most days, which meant that he knew exactly what you needed. He shoved his thumb into your mouth, making you gag on it as he kissed your neck and whispered sweet nothings in your ear. When your pussy started clenching around him, getting tighter and tighter by the second, he quickly withdrew the digit from your mouth and drifted it downwards so that he could rub tight circles against your wildly throbbing clit. 

“JOEL!,” you screeched. 

Joel laughed at that, surprised at how responsive you were to his touch, and decided to up the ante a bit by leaning forward to capture one of your swollen nipples into his mouth again. With his cock slamming into you so hard that it knocked a few tears from your eyes, his thumb working your nub as his mouth alternated between both of your sensitive tits, you were a disaster. All it took was one sharp bite to your left nipple and you were gone, your release spraying out of you and soaking his thighs as you came. And Joel could do nothing but fuck you through it, using every last bit of restraint he had not to knot you like he wanted to. 

He kept going until your pussy finally released him from its tight hold, finally allowing him to pull out so that he could rub himself to the sight of you. As Joel tugged on his dick, grunting as he watched the way your pussy gaped from his absence, he had to continuously remind himself not to follow his instincts. Now wasn’t the time to knot you, as it would undoubtedly lead to yet another child that neither of you were ready for. Nevertheless, it took everything in him not to slam himself inside and spray your walls with white as he had countless times before. 

However, it seemed you understood his conundrum, as you quickly reached up to yank his face back into your chest. Joel whined, his eyes rolling into the back of his head as he latched on to your swollen nipples again. He felt his cock throb painfully as he continued to fuck his fist, slurping up every dribble of sweet milk that touched his tongue as he did. But it was when you started whispering in his ear, playing with the curls on the back of his neck as your honeyed words brought him to the edge, that he knew it was over for him. 

“C’mon daddy, don’t you want to paint my tits with your cum? I want you to get them all filthy, just like you did with my pussy. Please Joel, for me?,” you cooed. 

That sent Joel flying off the edge and he pulled back so that he could spray thick ropes of white all over you. He came so hard that he had to lock his knees so that he wouldn’t fall backwards, spurting cum over your swollen breasts, your cute tummy, the patch of curls that adorned your pretty pussy, and even the bottom of your chin. When he was finally drained of it, he slumped into you with a sigh, burying his nose into your gland so he could gorge himself on your scent as he came down. Joel didn’t care about the way his cum was sandwiched between the two of you, likely sticking to his abdomen as well, all he cared about was getting as close to you as he possibly could. 

“Joel, baby,” you called to him after some time, lifting some of the fog that had settled over his sated mind. 

“Joel’s not home, call back later,” he groaned, hugging you even tighter in defiance. 

The laugh you let out made him smile and he pulled his face back a few inches so he could watch it unfold. The brightness in your eyes when you looked at him was something Joel could never get used to, his breath stuttering in his chest every time he saw it. It made him want to do something crazy like brand himself with your initials or find the ring he had been thinking about getting for the past two months. Perhaps one was less crazy than the other, but Joel didn’t care. He would do both in a heartbeat. At that point, all it really came down to was whether he found the branding iron or the ring first. 

“Baby, as much as I’d love to stay here and cuddle, my mom has probably already left Tommy’s place. We’ve gotta clean up and head back before they realize we’re gone,” you reminded him. 

Joel made an indignant noise at the reality check but nodded, pulling away with annoyed grunt to emphasize his distaste. As he looked down at himself and then you, he gasped when he realized how much of a mess you both were. Dirt, blood, slick, and cum covered every inch of your bodies, ensuring that any Jackson resident that ran into the two of you on the way back would have nightmares about it for the rest of their lives. Nearly every piece of clothing the both of you had was tattered and bloodied, leaving Joel standing there dumbfounded as he tried to think of what to do. 

“Baby, don’t worry about it, mama came prepared. I packed a spare set of clothes for the both of us. It’s over there in the diaper bag,” you said, pointing towards the bag that usually held all the supplies needed for the pups, “Can you grab it for me?” 

He balked, “You packed spare clothes for this? In our children’s diaper bag?”

“What other big-ass bag could a mom get away with carrying around at all hours of the night? Plus, I had a feeling we’d need it.,” you shrugged, “There’s wipes in there too. Now, can you grab the bag or do you want me walking over there with these wobbly ass legs?” 

Joel shook his head in disbelief, turning so that he could snatch the bag from the corner of the room. Although he wanted to argue that carrying the diaper bag for this type of mission was ridiculous, he had to hand it to you; he hadn’t once noticed that you had brought it along. Since Alba and Ellis had been born, the light green bag was always slung over either your shoulder or his. So much so that it had begun to blend into the background of day to day life. And as he used the wipes you had brought to clean the filth from his skin, he was appreciative of your ongoing ability to surprise him. 

After Joel was changed into the fresh pair of jeans you had packed, along with the thicker flannel you had been thoughtful enough to stuff alongside his t-shirt to save him from the cold, he turned towards the mess. Blood was stuck to the sides of the walls, staining the wood as it dripped down onto the dirt floor below. The bodies were another issue, as he wasn’t sure how he could possibly make their deaths look natural. Not only that, but burying them would leave a patch of disturbed ground that would give them away way too easily. Joel briefly wondered about dragging them into the abandoned town and making it seem like the infected had gotten to them, but decided he didn’t want to risk the two of you running into a horde. 

“What are we gonna do?,” you asked him as you finished dressing, quickly coming to the same conclusion as him. 

Joel sighed, “Suppose we probably should have thought that before we killed ‘em.” 

When you didn’t answer, he groaned, rubbing the bridge of his nose as he tried to conjure up a solution that didn’t give you both away. Joel wasn’t sure what would happen if evidence of their brutal deaths was stumbled upon by the patrols, but he was sure that he didn’t want to find out. Maria had already placed him on thin ice, and he knew that if he was ever ousted that there would be no way he would be able to convince you to stay in Jackson without him, regardless of how many times he tried to argue that it was the safest option for the twins. 

The thought of the two of you lugging Ellis and Alba back through Wyoming, all the way to the only other home that you had shared together in Montana, made him lightheaded. It was fall, soon to be winter, and if anything held the trip up, he wasn’t sure that the twins would be able to survive the harsh cold that came with being on the open road. Not only that, but Joel couldn’t remember what kind of supplies he had left at the cabin, and he wasn’t sure what he would do if the seasons had messed with the solar panels he had once relied upon. Plus, if Paul’s men had found you both there, who's to say that something like that couldn’t happen again? Although all of your shared enemies were vanquished, there were still a lot of people in the world that wanted Joel dead. People that might be thrilled to find out he had a mate and two pups he loved very much, people that might use that against him in the cruelest ways imaginable. 

“What if they smoked?,” you piped up, pulling him from the downward spiral he was headed towards.

“What?,” Joel sighed, the exasperation in his tone evident as he turned towards you. 

“I said, what if they smoked?,” you repeated. 

Joel watched as you walked to the other side of the room to grab something from one of the shelves, flashing him a pack of camels with a toothy grin. At first he wasn’t sure what you meant, but then it dawned upon him. There were bales of hay stacked in one corner of the space and the wood that held up the structure was so dry that the whole thing would probably collapse the moment flames reached the sides of it. Plus, a fire meant that any evidence would be turned to ash by the time anyone got to it, all that would be left would be bones. 

You tossed him the ancient pack of cigarettes, along with a box of matches that had a cartoon farmer smoking a pipe on the front, and Joel grinned at you from across the room. 

“Honey, you’re a fucking genius.” 

[thececeverse]

˗ˏˋ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗ NAMIE AT WATERBOMB 2024 ... !

The industry's pretty girl finally made her Waterbomb debut! After four years of being one of SM's most successful solo acts, she finally made her long-awaited appearance at the hottest festival of the summer, and like everything Namie does, her set was gold! She had previously said herself that she didn't want to perform at Waterbomb as a soloist until she had enough summer hits, and after releasing the song of the summer this year, she undoubtedly made a splash. So, let's go over what happened, shall we?

˗ˏˋ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗ ( WHAT SHE WORE ... ! )

˗ˏˋ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗ ( THE SETLIST … ! )

WHY DON’T YOU KNOW

OPENING MENT … !

BUBBLEGUM

BLUE CHAMPAGNE

KNOCK

INTERMISSION … !

HEY GIRL

NO. 1

HIGH ROLLER

I’M NOT COOL

OBSESSED

BE MY BABY (LOVEY DOVEY)

CLOSING MENT … !

CUTIE HONEY

˗ˏˋ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗ ( WHAT WENT DOWN … ! )

She's finally here, y'all! Namie's at Waterbomb! We did it!

Namie nation was so pissed every time she didn't go for the last two years, but once SM announced that she'd be going, it was all sunshine and rainbows for the first time since 2022!

She reached the peak of her fame (again) this year, so she and the rest of Pink Marmalade were trending like hell!

Namie has always had quite a lot of creative control over her solo work, and it was obvious here! She was so involved when it came to her styling for the festival (because of course she was), and she went full Y2K! She was taking inspiration from Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Ciara... like in the weeks leading up to Waterbomb she was quite literally making whole moodboards. Like, girl, it was serious.

And speaking of styling, let's get into those boots! No one knows how Namie's stylist even sourced those, but somehow it happened. They were truly the cutest thing that any idol has ever worn to Waterbomb, and "HER BOOTS" was trending for hours. So many people were attempting to find them, and Depop crashed a couple times as a result... oops!

Her Versace bikini top was also quite the hot topic! Like, fashion icon we know this already!

Aside from that, Namie's setlist was insane. She literally had all of her hits, all of the summer bops... but a good chunk of her fans were wondering where her debut singles were. And surprise, surprise, it wasn't SM behind the lack of debut era Namie.

It was Namie herself, actually. 😭

She didn't want any of her debut work on her setlist because not only did she kind of outgrow that (she's 24, y'all, come on), but those tracks really didn't fit the whole vibe of the festival. And yeah she's definitely right, but the people would've loved to hear just a wee bit of "Heart Attack," Namie!

But my God her set was incredible. She was smiling the whole time, interacting with the crowd like they were her best friends, and dancing like SM's lights were hours away from getting shut off. Like she bodied the choreography for "I'm Not Cool" like we all knew she would!

And the way she threw her hat once the chorus started... mothering.

For some reason, no one expected Namie to perform "Hey Girl" or "No. 1," but she did! Those are two of her biggest hits, and the crowd couldn't be happier!

At the time of her set, "Obsessed" was literally an unreleased song. And it was fully in English. No one in her crowd knew the words because it wasn't even on streaming services yet and it came out of nowhere, but it sounded good! It was a hit! Everyone loved it!

"NEW SONG" started trending on Twitter the second it started playing lol.

She sang one of her Japanese b-sides, too, which was also a pleasant surprise! And since the song was so long, everyone thought that was it, and then Namie and her cheeky self went "I have a surprise for you guys" right after her ending ment... as if there weren't enough surprises already!

And then "Cutie Honey" started playing... everyone cheered!

Namie is always so expressive every time she performs this song, and it was no exception here! She was up there acting like she was about to win an Oscar and making full use of that stage.

And the best part of all? Right before the first verse started, Namie took off her cute little tube top and quite literally flung it into the crowd! The way the crowd got so loud.

Whoever caught it (either accidentally or on purpose) didn't get to keep it, though lol.

Namie was all over the water guns, too. She shot at the crowd, at her dancers, and she even shot at the rest of Pink Marmalade because of course, they were front and center for their leader! But Jasmine did not appreciate that one-sided water gun fight one bit like for some reason she got hit the most!

And guess who was also in the crowd? Venus! Namie spotted them and waved like her hand was about to fall off like... leader of Constellation nation I fear lol.

After Namie's set of course the girls had to hit the festival circuit themselves! They saw Hyo, Nayeon, Taemin, Hwasa, Kiss of Life... like they got to see all of their faves!

They took so many pictures and filmed so many TikToks, and Waterbomb was essentially just a Sixteen girls reunion! Like Natty, Nayeon, and Namie were all in one room together after nine years!

All in all, Namie was one of the It girls of Waterbomb. She had a great time, #NAMIE_AT_WATERBOMB was trending for a full day, and a fancam of her performing "Cutie Honey" went viral with over nearly 3 million views on Twitter. We love that for her! ˗ˏˋ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗

ocs mentioned ... ! — venus (@venusvity) ♡

[brickmvster]

Adaptation | E.W.

Synopsis: Ellie wakes up one morning to find that she is showing symptoms of infection but her sanity remains in tact. While navigating the cruel and dangerous wilderness outside of Jackson, she must learn to adapt to the changes that are rapidly affecting her, and the sense of newfound isolation that comes with them.

Tags/warnings: minor canon-typical violence (non-graphic), minor injuries, guns, body horror, post-canon, ambiguous/open ending, suicidal ideation (extremely brief), angst, kind of a character study, not beta read

Word Count: 13k+

Author's Note: Hello everyone! Firstly, a HUGE thank you to the artist who's fanart inspired me to write this! They are @/teamashina on Twitter, and here is the link to the amazing work of art that gave me this fic idea: here. Ellie showing signs of infection but remaining sane is their idea! They have so much fanart relating to this concept and it is all so cool so please check it out.

I also took partial inspiration from the Korean television show "All of Us are Dead." In that show there is this concept of "human zombies" which are people who have been infected but do not go insane and also have side effects; those side effects are incorporated in this fic bc I just thought it was really cool :)

This has been proofread, edited, and revised, but not beta read, so if any grammatical/spelling errors still managed to slip by me, I apologize; they all belong to me, if there are any.

I really hope y'all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it <3

This has been crossposted on ao3.

Side Note 1/10/24: apologies for adding x reader tags, as this is not an x reader fic, but I just wanted to give this story more exposure ❤

After Ellie had visited the farmhouse one last time, she was then completely on her own.

Ellie craved stability. In the middle of nowhere, where danger loomed around every corner, she missed having a roof over her head. Shelter was often hard to come by and Ellie found herself sleeping in less than ideal places – an abandoned car that was dirty, cramped, and cluttered, or if she was lucky, maybe she’d come across a small, nearly picked-over convenience store. She was exhausted, walking with heavy steps due to frequent tossing and turning and being woken up by the slightest of noises, most of them imagined. Sometimes, whenever she closed her eyes, she dreamt of her small room back in Jackson; she imagined the feeling of her soft mattress and thick blanket, the warm glow of her fairy lights, her comic books scattered across the table. It was almost as if she was really there, and everyone that she loved was still in her life, and she got to see them everyday. But when the sun peeked over the horizon, and Ellie was stirred awake, the mirage once again faded into the darkness, just out of reach. 

Ellie found herself residing in a travel van stuck on a lonely highway after walking on sore feet for several hours in a randomly chosen direction, hoping to stumble upon something, anything worthwhile. Most days were uneventful and never caught Ellie by surprise. Food wasn’t readily available, but Ellie’s hunting skills had been honed and sharpened by that point and wasn’t much of a challenge for her. On the more exciting days, infected wandered a bit too close to the van, leaving Ellie to take care of them swiftly and quietly. Often it was one or two, but sometimes they came in larger numbers. Ellie still had her beloved switchblade with her that she cleaned and took care of to the best of her ability that became her best friend when a group of runners decided to pay her a visit.

Ellie's run-ins with infected didn't always end with her leaving unscathed, though. The bite on Ellie's arm, partially hidden by her tattoo and the chemical burn, was now accompanied by a plethora of other bites, including one on her shoulder and a couple on her other arm; But they were nothing but mild annoyances.

Ellie would say she was doing fairly well, even if it didn’t look like it. Her hair was on the longer side and fell into her eyes a lot. She had lost a significant amount of weight, as her food supply wasn’t as steady as it once was and some days she would be unlucky on her hunting trips. She adjusted to only having eight fingers far more quickly than she initially thought she would. She could still hold her weapons just fine and her accuracy didn’t change too drastically. She was still alive and breathing; even if she felt and looked like shit, that’s what was most important. 

There wasn’t much at all that could be done for entertainment. She still wrote and drew things in her journal, almost having filled up every page. She had to start using the backs of pages now.

Her journal entries were usually fairly short. There was nothing very interesting to document in her life, after all. She had been writing more poems, though. They were also short, many of them unfinished. But sometimes she was able to better communicate her feelings through a few words and single sentences.

Her drawings, though, were more frequent. It was mostly random objects or something that caught her attention while hunting or simply walking outside for fresh air. Maybe it was a carcass being picked at by a flock of birds, or random, lost objects that once belonged to a person, now forever buried with overgrowth. Other times she drew her memories. Dina and JJ. Joel. Jesse. These people were all gone but she felt they had to be immortalized in some way.

Although Ellie knew she might have been better off than others, she could never stop thinking about the place she once called home. The people of Jackson weren’t trigger happy like the WLFs or a fucked-up, sheltered cult like the Seraphites. They were accepting, willing to take anyone in with open arms. Surely they would welcome Ellie back, right?

She felt that she had waited long enough, and there was only one way to find out.

When Ellie woke up one morning, ready to pack and head out for Jackson, she made a discovery that stopped her in her tracks. 

She sat up in the small space of her bed, staring at her arm in shock, confusion, and fear.

Her arm was partially covered in a hard fungal growth, and it had effectively torn through the fabric of her brown flannel. It was only a small section of her arm, and it just barely covered part of her fern tattoo. She touched it, wincing in advance as she anticipated pain, but she felt nothing. Frantically, she felt her face and her legs, feeling for the same growth, but it seemed to only be her arm. Ellie wasn’t sure how to process the slight changes that her body had undergone overnight. Was her luck finally running out? Was her immunity only temporary? These were all questions that polluted her mind like oil to water. 

There wasn’t much Ellie could do other than brush it off – even though turning into a clicker was not something one could necessarily forget about as if it was a minor inconvenience. 

The whole day, Ellie kept stealing glances at her arm to see if the growth would spread, but it remained in that one area. When she had sat down to eat dinner, she pulled out her journal, flipping through countless pages before eventually opening it up to a blank page, pencil in hand as she chewed on two-day old rabbit.

What’s happening to me?

I woke up this morning and saw something had happened to my arm. There was fungal growth. It scared the fuck outta me.

What does this mean?

My immunity couldn’t have just disappeared yesterday. If that was the case, I would’ve woken up a runner. It seems like my body has just completely skipped the earlier stages of infection. It takes… a fuck-ton of time to turn into a clicker. Why am I turning into one in only 24 hours? I don’t know what to do and I’m terrified. I tried breaking it off. But it’s so damn hard. Harder than it looks. It’s sturdy. Being covered in this might feel as if you’re wearing a fucking suit of armor.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

And tomorrow brought, well, even more surprises. Unpleasant ones. 

When Ellie had awoken, the growth had spread to more areas of her body rapidly. Small sections of both of her legs were now covered in the same growth, as well as her other arm. Much to Ellie's horror, when she had felt her face, she was terrified to know that the growth had finally reached her face, too. It was protruding from her cheek in a way that may have looked like it should have hurt, but once again, she felt nothing. From her discoveries yesterday she knew that she wouldn't be able to remove them and yet she tried anyway, bending and twisting and manipulating the tough fungal plates using all the strength she could muster. But to no avail.

Ellie spent the day much like how she spent yesterday, only significantly more perplexed. She had hoped that yesterday was just an awful dream, and that when she woke up the next day her arm would be clear and only her tattoo would remain. 

Ellie tried to make sense of this, but couldn't, no matter how long she sat and thought about it. She wasn't twitching erratically or moving in any way an actual infected person would, which she thought was a good sign. But something she did notice was how her senses had seemingly increased in strength.

She first noticed these changes when she was sitting at the table, scribbling away in her journal like she usually did. But the sentence she was currently writing was cut short when suddenly her stomach began cramping in unbelievable pain. 

It was so terrible that she had fallen out of her seat, clutching her stomach tightly, tears welling up in her eyes. She was convulsing, nausea overcoming her, the room spinning. She genuinely felt as if she would die right there on the floor if she didn't devour something, and quickly . 

The leftover rabbit meat that she had stored away in a cabinet somewhere had become extremely potent; what usually had no smell began producing a scent that was like nothing Ellie had ever smelled. It smelled so good, almost too good, and Ellie tried her damndest to get up so she could retrieve it. It was a struggle, as she could barely stand on her feet and every time she tried she just ended up back where she started. But through enough persistence she succeeded. She ran to where she stored the rabbit meat, keeping it wrapped up in a clean cloth. Her eyes widened as she saw that she only had a single strip of meat left. She ate it, so fast that she could've choked and she nearly bit off her fingers. But it wasn't enough, and she knew it wouldn't be enough. The pain within her stomach continued, so she stumbled over to the bed, bumping into the edges of things on the short trip there. She collapsed onto the bed, the sharp, unwavering pain rendering her motionless.

Ellie weeped and sobbed, thinking to herself that death would be preferable in this moment. Right as she began contemplating it, her gun just out of reach in her bag, she passed out before she could do anything.

____

Ellie's eyes had fluttered open for the second time that day. When she had woken up, the sunset was filtering in through the windows of the van. She had been out for a while.

Fortunately, the pain was gone. Ellie needed to hunt; she was completely out of rabbit meat now. But she was far too weak and felt exhausted from what she had experienced earlier. Her throat was dry, but she had no water either.

She had just enough energy to get up and grab her journal before returning to the warmth and comfort of her bed. She decided to just stay curled up in bed for the rest of day, having been pushed to her limits just a few hours ago.

She opened up her journal to where she remembered writing a new entry. She read it curiously, wondering where she left off. 

The fungal growth has spread. It's all over me now. It fucking sucks, to put it lightly.

It feels kind of itchy. Not enough to be awful, but just enough to be slightly annoying. Still no pain, though. I tried breaking it off again this morning knowing that I would get the same results.

I can't see what I look like. There's no mirror in this damn van. But I imagine I look hideous. 

I don't understand why this is happening to me. All of this has got to be some fucking nightm

The spelling of the last word was left unfinished, and Ellie was immediately reminded of the pain that had overwhelmed her in that moment. She slammed the journal shut.

Ellie thought about writing another entry, but instead, she laid back down, closing her eyes. All she wanted was sleep. The fungal growth made some sleeping positions uncomfortable, so she opted for simply lying on her back, letting out a tired sigh.

Sleep never actually caught up to her, though, as she heard the sound of voices from outside.

The voices were loud and clear, not coming from outside the van but from a distance. Ellie was startled at the fact that she could hear them so clearly from seemingly so far away and could even differentiate the tone of each voice – a woman and a man. She remained still, wondering if they were just wanderers. 

It was impossible to try to sleep then, because all she could hear was their conversation. She picked up every word.

"We've been walking for ages and haven't found anything."

"I'm sure we'll find somewhere to hole up eventually. We gotta keep searchi-"

"Hey! Look up ahead! Is that a van?"

"Holy shit. Let's get closer and check it out."

Ellie had immediately raised up in bed, grabbing her bag that was right next to her and unzipping it with great haste. She reached in and grabbed her pistol, reloading it swiftly. She stayed where she was, keeping the weapon firmly grasped within her hand. She listened closely to the people's footsteps, continuing to listen to the words exchanged between them (not that she had much of a choice because their voices were so goddamn loud– her hearing had drastically improved).

"You think there's anyone in there?"

"One way to find out." 

"We should knock." 

"Or we could just-"

"Let's knock, Travis. If someone is in there we could get shot on sight." 

"Fine."

After several minutes, Ellie could tell that they were right outside the entrance to the van. She kept her finger gently resting on the trigger, completely still, like a snake silently waiting to attack its prey. She could hear every thump of her heartbeat in her ears.

Then, she heard another sound. The sound of knocking. It was heavy and loud, the person making their presence known. The deeper voice of the man had asked a question from outside the door.

"Is anyone in there?" 

Ellie didn't respond; not right away, anyway. She slowly got out of bed, coming just slightly closer to the door, keeping her gun trained in that direction. Fatigue was still coursing through her, but she used what little strength she had to keep her arms steady and her gaze focused. After clearing her throat, Ellie replied.

"What do you want?" She asked, her voice calm but firm.

There was silence on the other end for a few minutes before the woman responded. 

"We don't want any trouble. We've been walking for a while and we need someplace to rest. I'm Kathy, and the voice you heard before is my husband, Travis." 

Ellie remained silent. Travis spoke up again. 

"Please. My wife is pregnant." He said, his voice wavering. 

Ellie sighed, lowering the gun, but keeping it within her grasp. She weighed her options, feeling conflicted with the choices presented to her. Ellie wanted to invite them in, The van was a small space, and it would certainly begin to feel claustrophobic with the addition of two people, but she was vehemently against the idea of sending them walking again. Ellie had so much blood on her hands from taking away so many lives on her journey for vengeance, but now, with her violent history behind her, the least she could do was help people when they needed helping. But Ellie was also fully aware of what she looked like at the moment; these people probably wouldn’t want to be around her for very long. They may even shoot her on sight once she opens the door. She walks like a human, and talks like a human, but her body took on a drastic transformation, one that would definitely cause people to look at her differently. People were going to fear her and Ellie was going to be even more isolated than she already was. 

She had only been living out of the van for a few weeks; it was only just now starting to feel like home. But she knew the choice she had to make. The choice she wanted to make.

Ellie must've been silent for too long, prompting Kathy to speak again. 

"Please." Was all she said, her tone hopeful. Ellie took small steps toward the door, unlocking it, before backing up again. Her finger was still just barely brushing against the trigger of the gun as spoke, her voice just barely loud enough for them to hear, “come in.”

They didn't come in immediately. Ellie imagined that they both must've been taken aback by being invited in and expected to be shooed away. But, after only a couple of minutes, the door was opened, the hinges emitting a loud, telltale creak.

Kathy and Travis had stepped inside the van tentatively. When their eyes landed on Ellie standing across from them, Travis wasted no time in slinging his rifle off of his shoulder and pointing it directly at her.

“What the hell – you’re – you’re infected–” He stammered, eyes wide, clearly unsure of how to proceed.

Kathy had defensively pulled out a pistol from a holster that was attached to her thigh, but she wasn’t aiming it. Instead, she merely looked at Ellie, eyebrows drawn together in bewilderment. Travis had stepped in front of her protectively, but Kathy immediately stepped aside him again, placing a hand on Travis’s rifle and gently lowering it. Travis’s eyes snapped to his wife, and he raised an eyebrow at her, as if silently questioning her. 

“It’s okay, Travis. Relax.” Kathy said in a soft-spoken yet firm voice. Travis couldn’t seem to take her advice, shoulders still visibly tense, his fingers gripping his rifle tightly as if the weapon would grow wings and fly away. Nonetheless, he didn’t try to retaliate, and he let his wife try to take control of the situation. But he kept his eyes trained on Ellie carefully, prepared to strike if the situation ever called for it.

Kathy continued to speak. “I’ve never seen someone like you before. You look like a clicker… but you’re not… y’know, batshit crazy.” She said.

“I don’t know what happened. I can’t– I couldn’t explain it to you. But I promise I’m not… a threat.” Ellie responded. 

Travis scoffed. It seemed like he gave all his might to stay silent but eventually caved in and spoke anyway, much to his wife’s distaste. “Bullshit. Just because you may be walking and talking like us doesn’t mean anything. You could still just suddenly snap for all we know.” He replied. Kathy placed a gentle hand on Travis’s shoulder, but the glare she had sent him was anything but gentle. Travis could only laugh in response, as if what he said was something completely absurd and not within the realm of possibility. 

“Why are you looking at me like that, honey? Do you seriously feel safe around her? We need to go somewhere else.” 

Kathy immediately shook her head. “No. We’ve been walking around for hours. I’m fucking exhausted, Travis! I’m not going back out there. I’m not.”

Travis gave Ellie a quick up and down, disgust written all over his face. “I’m not sharing this van with her. She is a danger to us all. You’re pregnant, and I can’t risk anything.” 

“And you’re gonna make a pregnant woman walk some more ?” 

“Goddamn it, Kathy, we don’t know what we’re working with here!”

Kathy crossed her arms in growing frustration, her jaw clenched as she tried to remain level-headed. Ellie had gotten enough of their bickering and moved to the bed to retrieve her backpack. Travis’s eyes had quickly bounced to Ellie the second he saw her movement out of the corner of his eye. Kathy turned her head to observe Ellie as well, and they both fell silent. Ellie could feel their eyes boring into the back of her skull as she holstered her gun and put her journal inside her backpack, zipping it closed. She felt her back pocket briefly, just to make certain that her switchblade was there. Lastly, she grabbed Joel’s tan leather jacket from where it had been haphazardly thrown on the bed, hastily putting it on. When she had everything she needed, she turned around, yet again meeting eyes with the married couple who watched her every move. It was almost as if they were waiting for her to twitch.

Ellie cleared her throat. “The van is all yours.” she firmly stated, leaving no room for disagreement, making her way toward the door. Travis didn’t waste a second moving out of the way of the door, but Kathy was hesitant; she stayed standing where she was as if she was tethered to the floor, looking at Ellie pitifully. Her lips were fixed in a slight frown and her expression could only be read as sympathetic. Ellie mustered a barely noticeable smile, hoping to extinguish any feelings of sorrow that Kathy was feeling. 

Kathy stood in front of the door for several minutes before finally moving to the side, joining her husband. Ellie sauntered toward the door, her footsteps heavy, but before she left, she glanced at the married couple over her shoulder one last time. Kathy had waved at her, returning the same smile that Ellie had given mere seconds ago. Her eyes then migrated to Travis, who’s expression was dour, large hands still clutching his gun; Kathy had holstered hers long ago.

Despite the situation that Ellie found herself in, she could only feel content. The travel van that she was just beginning to call her home was no longer hers, but she didn’t feel sorrow when she had to part with it. Ellie’s conscience was put at ease knowing that she had just helped a couple, soon-to-be-family, find somewhere stable and mostly secure to settle down in, even if just for the time being. 

She stole one last look at the van, before focusing her attention on the imaginary path ahead of her – but she had only taken a couple of steps before she heard the door of the van swing open once more. She turned around, being greeted by Kathy, who was holding a handful of granola bars with an apologetic smile. She waved Ellie over, gesturing for her to come closer. Ellie obeyed, silently walking over and looking at her curiously.

When she approached, she held out her hands, waiting for Ellie to accept her offering. "Take these," she said, voice firm. "It wouldn't be right for us to kick you out and not give you a, uh…. parting gift, of some sort." She spoke.

Ellie shook her head. "You didn't kick me out. It's okay, really," she glanced at the granola bars in Kathy's hands. "And you should keep those. Any kind of food is hard to come by all the way out here." 

Kathy sighed, eyebrows furrowing in bubbling impatience. Suddenly, with confident strides, she walked behind Ellie and unzipped her backpack, stuffing the granola bars inside. "Exactly, which is even more of a reason to give you these." She said as she closed up the backpack. When she was facing Ellie again, she let out a series of chuckles upon seeing Ellie's look of defeat, standing there with her bag just a little heavier.

Ellie adjusted the straps of her backpack as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other. "Thanks. That was, uh… really kind of you." 

Kathy absentmindedly rested her hand on her protruding stomach. "It was the least I could do." 

There were a few beats of silence that passed between the two women as they looked at each other, sharing glances of mutual acknowledgment at the fact they would be parting ways. Kathy gave Ellie one final grin, waving once more and waiting half a second for Ellie to wave back, before heading back toward the entrance of the van. Ellie continued to stare until the door was closed shut.

Once again, that familiar feeling of loneliness had reappeared as she looked at the road ahead of her, walking forward into the unknown. 

She wasn’t sure where she was going, she was simply letting her feet take her where they wanted to go. Ellie wasn’t in any rush, either, walking casually as if she was taking a stroll in the park. On either side of her was nothing but forest, the trees tall and imposing, the leaves moving gracefully in the breeze, seemingly breathing as if alive. There were plenty of broken down cars alongside the road, and the occasional animal that would always scurry away once they picked up Ellie’s scent. 

The sky was still a captivating blend of oranges and pinks, but it was noticeably getting darker. There was a slight chill in the air, causing Ellie to wrap Joel's– her jacket around her body more securely, tucking her hands inside of her arms, trying to keep them warm. She was grateful for the granola bars that Kathy had given her, having devoured two of them earlier along her journey. If only she had water to wash everything down; the assortment of nuts and oats not doing much for her already dry throat.

Surprisingly, she hadn’t encountered much trouble during her walk. It was almost unsettling, how barren the world around her was. Ellie observed her surroundings closely, her eyes moving a mile a minute as she anticipated an ambush, whether it be from people or infected. She was tense, ready to pull her pistol from its holster at the slightest of sounds. But the journey remained relatively peaceful. It was a stark contrast from places like Seattle, where Ellie couldn’t go anywhere without a Wolf or a Scar ready to ruin her plans. For the first time ever, even if only momentarily, being alone was not a miserable experience for Ellie, but a tranquil one. She closed her eyes, losing herself in the calming amalgamation of nature’s sounds and the sound of her feet softly hitting the pavement. It was during this moment that fatigue was settling within her aching bones, her gait gradually becoming slower, her eyelids getting harder and harder to keep open without effort. Ellie briefly considered curling up on the side of the road, but as soon as the thought crossed her mind, she was startled awake by the sound of loud and penetrating voices hitting her ears.

Her eyes shot open, looking left, right, and behind her, before realizing that the voices were coming from up ahead. She heard the sound of a group of men conversing with one another before she actually saw them.

“I’m fucking starving. I could eat a horse.”

“We’re all hungry. Just stop complaining, for fuck’s sake.”

“We’re in shitty shape, man. No food. No shelter. Barely any water because your dumbass drank it all. Y’know, I think it’s your fault we’re in this situation.”

“Are you two really bickering right now? Shut the fuck up, Jesus.”

It was mostly dark now, so she quickly turned on her flashlight, but the light was dim and barely helped her with seeing a few feet in front of her. A curse word fell from her lips, knowing full well she didn’t have spare batteries. She thought it would be a better idea to conserve what little light the flashlight was producing, clicking it off. 

The group of men had come into Ellie’s view eventually, and she noticed that they were all heavily armed, with a dog keeping close to their side. Ellie removed her pistol from its holster, gripping it securely. It took several minutes for the men to notice her, but when they did, they stopped for a few long seconds, exchanging words with one another, their voices barely above a whisper. Little did they know, Ellie’s hearing had bettered significantly, and she was tuning in to every sentence.

“That woman looks pretty fucked up. I say we leave her alone.”

“She’s got a backpack. It might be worth searching.”

“Let’s just focus on getting where we need to go-”

“It’s four of us, one of her. We can take her out easily. Let’s get closer.”

Ellie’s finger was now resting on the trigger of her gun. She continued walking closer to them, slowly closing the distance between them. One of the men leading the group spoke first.

“Hey! You there! You alright?” He shouted. He was clad in all black, a shotgun being held in his grasp. 

Ellie didn’t respond. Once again, she began observing her surroundings, searching for a potential escape route. Ellie realized fairly quickly that her best bet would be darting off into the forest if she wanted to lose them. The second man who was walking beside the leader nudged his arm to grab his attention, a sickening smirk resting on his lips. He was carrying another long gun; a rifle. He muttered something else to the man in charge, which obviously did not go unnoticed by Ellie.

“Is she deaf, or what?” He said with a chuckle. The leader only glared at him, effectively silencing him as he returned his attention to Ellie. The distance between her and the men was shrinking, and Ellie, not wanting to immediately provoke them, began walking backwards. She had passed a clearing into the forest on her right side, and decided that she would make a mad dash through the trees.

The leader provoked Ellie once more, this time, his voice much less friendly than before. “Where are you going? We just wanna talk. Maybe we could help each other out.” 

On the surface, his request sounded innocent, but by the sinister smiles plastered on his henchmen’s face, to the overall intimidating nature that they all shared, Ellie had put two and two together. 

But, in typical Ellie fashion, she gave them all the finger before sprinting into the clearing, narrowly avoiding gunshots, the harsh and piercing sound of bullets firing clashing with the gentler sounds of the natural world around them.

With only the moon illuminating Ellie’s path, she had a difficult time trying to see exactly where she was going, noticing a large branch on the ground just a couple seconds too late, tripping over it and landing on the ground. It was during this fall that she also noticed there was a steep incline, steeper than she thought it was, and she was sent rolling down a small hill. She was stopped by a large, thick log, rolling into it and feeling the pain shoot through her shoulder. 

Ellie was effectively winded, frozen on the ground as she tried to recuperate, breathing in and out through her nose heavily. Adrenaline had long been running through her veins, giving her just enough energy to power through the intense pain in her shoulder to stand up. She blinked a few times, her vision spotty; and once she was able to see the environment around her clearly again, she soon realized that her gun had fallen out of her hand some time during her trip down the hill. Panic hit her hard like a bucket of cold ice water as she fell to the ground again, knees digging into the dirt as she pushed away fallen leaves, feeling for the cold metal of her pistol. The men were surely chasing after her and she knew her gun was around here somewhere .

As if matters couldn't get any worse, Ellie picked up the telltale sound of groans and clicking in the distance that never failed to send chills down her spine; and the sounds were very quickly getting closer. 

When Ellie had finally found her pistol, she hastily brushed off leaves and dirt, but before she could even make her next move, there was a horde of infected already shambling toward her from behind, snarling and feral. Ellie was stuck in a crossroads, not wanting to turn her back on the road – but the infected made themselves the more immediate problem. Ellie could see them getting closer and closer. She raised her arm, releasing shaky breaths. She took one step back – stepping on a large rock and losing her footing.

When she felt herself falling to the ground again, a loud shriek escaped her throat, followed by a string of profanities. The infected were right in front of her now, and there was no way Ellie could get back up in time to defend herself.

“She ran in here!” She heard one of the men shout. Ellie shut her eyes tight, believing that her fate had already been sealed, waiting to either get torn apart by the runners or shot to death by the men. 

But neither happened.

The infected had completely surrounded her, but they weren’t attacking. No, they weren’t even looking at Ellie. They seemed to be attracted to the sound of the men shouting, looking around frantically, groaning and convulsing, completely animalistic at the smell of fresh meat. Ellie looked up at them from where she was still lying on the ground, complete and utter bewilderment coloring her features. They weren’t interested in her.

Ellie stood up, slowly, brushing herself off. All of the runners had glanced at her and were aware of their presence, and yet they never touched her; she might as well have been a tree or a rock with how disinterested they were in her.

When the men finally caught up, out of breath and red in the face, they looked ahead, immediately noticing the hoard. But they also noticed Ellie standing directly in the center of it.

One of the henchmen’s jaws practically dropped to the forest floor, watching the sight in front of him in disbelief, fear chilling him to the bone and keeping him frozen. All of the men shared a similar expression, and Ellie could only chuckle at how their eyes comically popped out of their heads.

“Look, everyone.” Ellie spoke to the infected as if they were old friends, feeling a newfound power. “Fresh meat.” 

As if on cue, the runners attacked the four men before they could regain their wits and aim their weapons. The runners wasted no time in digging in, the men screaming in unimaginable agony – until they weren’t, and only the sounds of aggressive chewing could be heard. The dog that was with them had sprinted off into the forest, and Ellie watched the fluffy animal disappear into the distance before refocusing her attention on the runners and their feast.

While the runners were eating, Ellie approached the corpses, checking their pockets (she had to push some runners out of the way, to which some of them would grumble angrily before deciding to snack elsewhere). She took whatever ammunition she could find, stealing the rifle and shotgun as well, both weapons fortunately having been equipped with shoulder straps for easy transportation.

One of the henchmen, who was in the middle of having his leg devoured, had a map in his pocket. When Ellie unfolded it, she gave it a quick once over and realized that it was a map leading to Jackson. Ellie wasn’t sure where she was, but according to the map, Jackson was merely miles away. Not exactly close on foot, but just knowing that the place she once called her home was somewhat nearby took her by surprise. Her plans on returning to Jackson had effectively been turned upside down after the transformations that her body had undergone – but she pocketed the map anyway. Besides showing the location of Jackson, it also displayed nearby restaurants and convenience stores, which could definitely be worth scavenging.

She let the runners finish their meal, walking a little bit further into the forest and sitting down on a tree stump to catch her breath and process everything that had just occurred within the last several minutes.

She turned on her flashlight, removing her backpack from her shoulders. The dim lighting was just enough for Ellie to locate her journal within the bag. She pulled it out, as well as a pen, and opened her journal to a fresh page. She felt the need to document the changes that were happening to her body to better understand everything that she had been experiencing.

Before she began writing, though, she reached into her bag once more to pull out a granola bar. After unwrapping it, she finished it in just a few bites. She threw the wrapper to the ground and finally put her pen to the paper.

Okay. I totally just fucking cheated death just now.

Not only are mushrooms growing out of me, but I have superpowers too, apparently.

I can hear peoples’ voices from miles away as if they’re standing right next to me. I can smell everything around me – the grass, the soil, rotting animal carcasses… I could even faintly smell those guys who tried to kill me before I even saw them. 

I also feel hunger more intensely than the average person. Whenever I get hungry, I get these god awful cramps that hurt more than any other kind of pain I’ve ever fucking experienced. Thankfully, though, I haven’t felt the desire to eat human flesh. Not yet, anyway.

The craziest thing, though, is the fact that other infected don't even pay attention to me. Like I’m not even there. They get close to me, but they aren’t hostile. I still can’t believe it. 

When all this shit started happening to me, I thought I was some kind of monster. But all of these… symptoms of my infection… are actually proving to be kind of useful. I’m conflicted.

I’ve never felt more alone. There’s nobody else going through this but me. I wish I had answers. I wish

Ellie stopped mid-sentence when she felt a cold nose poking her hand. Startled, she retracted her hand, but her nerves were quickly calmed when she noticed that it was the dog from earlier. He was a beautiful golden retriever, although he wasn’t very golden anymore because of how dirty he was. A small grin broke out on Ellie’s face, and she reached her hand out, hesitant, anticipating aggressiveness, but the dog didn’t growl or bare any teeth – instead, he sat there patiently, tail wagging as he waited to be pet. Ellie did just that, running her fingers through his slightly matted fur. Pets were never really Ellie’s thing – but she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t thoroughly enjoying the furry friend’s company.

“Hey, buddy,” Ellie said softly. “I thought you had run away.”

The dog just continued to sit there, staring up at Ellie with big, round eyes. Ellie’s heart was warm at how truly and undeniably adorable he was. In a world full of ugly people, infected and non-infected alike, this wide-eyed golden retriever that was currently resting his head on Ellie’s leg, satisfied at receiving affection, was a reminder that not everything in this world was ugly.

An idea had popped into Ellie’s mind, causing her to momentarily pause the headpats that she was giving. The dog whined, nudging her hand. Ellie giggled at the feeling. 

“Wait just a moment, buddy. Are you hungry? I got something for you.” Ellie said.

She closed her journal and put it back in her bag, the pen acting as a bookmark, mentally making a note that she would finish the entry later. She then pulled out the very last granola bar (it was chocolate free, Ellie noted).

The dog’s ears perked up at the crinkle of the wrapper. When the granola bar was free from its plastic sheath, Ellie placed it in the palm of her hand, holding it out to him. The dog sniffed the bar curiously, briefly looking up at Ellie as if asking for permission to eat it. Ellie smiled. “Go on. It’s all yours.” She muttered, and as if the dog could understand her, he gobbled up the granola bar in one bite. 

While he was chewing, Ellie glanced at the dog’s neck. She noticed that he was wearing a collar. She reached out and grabbed the silver pendant, holding up the flashlight in front of it to read the engraving. 

“Your name is… Otis? God, who would name you Otis?” Ellie spoke in an amused tone, a laugh bubbling out of her throat. 

After the touching moment, silence had befell the both of them briefly. Otis’s head had returned to its resting position on top of Ellie’s leg, and Ellie absentmindedly continued petting him as she stared off into space. It was nearly pitch black outside if not for the moonlight and Ellie didn’t feel entirely comfortable continuing her journey on the road without being able to see her surroundings very well – it seemed like another ambush just waiting to happen. But Ellie didn’t seem to have much of a choice; sleeping in the middle of the forest didn’t seem to provide a lot of safety either.

The gears in Ellie’s mind were turning as she considered her options. But she was suddenly stirred by her thoughts when Otis had run off into the distance, and Ellie had immediately missed the warmth of his head on her leg and the feeling of his fur between her fingers. She sighed, getting up and slinging her backpack on, her muscles sore and aching from the events that had transpired just moments prior. She could especially feel the pain in her shoulder now that the adrenaline had dissipated. She knew without even having to look at it that there was definitely a pretty black and blue bruise that had formed.

Ellie stood up from the tree stump, stretching her limbs, before making her way back to the open road.

She didn’t get very far, though, when she heard two loud barks. She froze in her tracks, a smile almost immediately breaking out on her face when she turned around to be met with Otis again. She kneeled down and opened her arms, to which Otis ran into Ellie’s embrace happily. 

“Are you gonna leave me or not? Make up your mind, little guy.” She asked playfully. Otis barked again, and Ellie put a finger to her lips as if Otis could understand what that meant.

“Quiet, boy. We don’t wanna attract any unwanted attention, yeah? I’m still pretty worn out from earlier, aren’t you?” Ellie questioned with a lighthearted chuckle.

Otis allowed Ellie to pet him a few more times before removing himself from her arms and scurrying off again, but this time he stopped just a little bit ahead of Ellie, staring at her with those big, round eyes. His tail was wagging behind him excitedly. Ellie cocked her head, much like a confused animal would, returning the eye contact with Otis.

“What is it, boy?” Ellie asked. Otis trotted only a tad further into the distance before stopping again and turning his head to look at Ellie once more. 

“Ah, I see,” Ellie began. “You want me to, uh… follow you?”

As if trying to answer her question, Otis barked again. Ellie immediately kicked into gear, following the dog just to get him to stop making noise.

“Okay, okay.” Ellie said.

Ellie followed Otis silently, wondering to herself why she was even following some random dog in the first place. You should be back on that road, Ellie thought. This is a complete waste of time.

Ellie sighed, considering turning around and leaving the dog for good as it seemed like he just wanted to go on a stroll, until she saw something just up ahead. A cabin.

Otis had led Ellie to shelter.

A grin that stretched from ear to ear appeared on Ellie's face, her eyes widening in surprise. She called Otis over and showered him affection, endless praise spilling from her lips.

"You're the best, aren't you, boy? I'll take this over a fucking travel van any day." 

Ellie slowly walked up to the cabin, Otis following close behind. From what she could see outside, she noticed a warm, faint glow emanating through the front windows, perhaps from a fireplace or a lantern.

Removing her pistol from its holster, she knocked on the large wooden door. It didn’t open immediately, which Ellie had expected. Instead, she heard a muffled voice from the other side. 

“What do you want?” She said curtly, her voice stern. Otis’s ears perked up at the sound of the person’s voice, her tail wagging in eagerness. 

“I don’t want any trouble. I, uh… I need somewhere to sleep for the night.” Ellie replied. There was silence on the other end for several minutes as the person was seemingly contemplating. The silence stretched on for so long that even Otis had become impatient, letting out high-pitched whines. Ellie placed a comforting hand on his head, rubbing gently.

Ellie sighed, tiredly running her other hand through her unkempt hair. “Please… I just need someplace to rest-”

Her sentence had abruptly ended when the door had finally swung open, and she was met with the barrel of a gun being pointed directly into her face. In mere seconds, Ellie raised both of her arms, her gaze shifting from the weapon to the woman’s steel gaze. She looked to be no younger than Ellie, or possibly slightly older, and she had long, dark hair collected into two braids that complimented her olive skin tone. She was clad in white jeans (that were definitely whiter when we're brand new) and a forest green blouse, a black jacket over her shoulders. Ellie noticed that her eyes had widened considerably, as she was visibly bewildered by Ellie’s appearance. 

“You– You have fifteen seconds. I suggest you leave.” The woman threatened.

“I’m not infected! I know what this looks like, but please-” Ellie started, but the woman only stepped closer to her, the pointed gun in her hands never wavering for a second, to which Ellie subsequently took a small step back. 

“Bullshit.” The woman spat. 

“I swear .” Ellie replied. She could see the woman’s eyes rake across her skin as she observed her closely. She had fallen silent now, and Ellie could tell the woman was mulling over a decision in her mind. While she was taking those few minutes to contemplate, Ellie spoke again.

“Look, I can’t explain– this whole situation,” Ellie said, gesturing to the fungal growth that covered her body. “But I won’t hurt you.” 

The woman still kept her contemplative gaze, but her eye contact with Ellie was broken when she noticed a small movement out of the corner of her eye. When the woman looked down, that’s when she noticed Otis, lying patiently next to Ellie’s shoes, her head resting on the top of her paws. The woman’s hand began to shake as she finally felt her resolve crumble, and with a sigh, she lowered her weapon, stepping aside to make room for Ellie and her furry friend to come in.

“Get inside. Quickly.” She said curtly. Ellie didn’t hesitate, walking into the woman’s residence with hurried steps, Otis following behind her. 

When Ellie had come in, the woman poked her head outside once more, looking left, and then looking right, before shutting it closed and locking it behind her. Ellie briefly watched as Kennedy grabbed a nearby chair and placed it under the doorknob.

Upon being welcomed inside, Ellie took several moments to observe her new surroundings. Ellie could tell she was in the middle of a living room, noticing a couch, recliner, and a glass coffee table among other things. There was a fireplace in said living room, the sound of the fire crackling resonating throughout the small space and basking it in a warm, orange glow. In front of the glowing fire was a small throw pillow and a blanket that had been folded to create a makeshift mattress of sorts, as well as another, slightly smaller blanket folded on top. Ellie removed her jacket, already beginning to feel quite warm, the heat of the fire having effectively filled the entire room. She wasn’t sure how long the woman would let her stay for, but she was going to enjoy every second. After placing her long guns on the table, Ellie made her way toward the fireplace, sitting down in front of it and holding out her hands. Otis had the same idea, taking his spot next to Ellie. 

The woman was still standing by the door, gun in hand, but her finger wasn’t on the trigger. She watched Ellie closely, her eyes raking over all the parts of Ellie’s body where fungal growth could be seen. The woman still chose to keep her distance, as she wasn’t entirely sure what to expect from the mysterious stranger.

Ellie felt a pair of eyes on her back, and she turned around to be met with the woman’s stare. Ellie wasn’t surprised in the slightest that the woman seemed to be put off by her presence. She didn’t question her blatant discomfort and opted for making light conversation instead.

“Thanks. For letting me in.” Ellie started. She wasn’t really expecting a response, so she turned her back toward the woman again, her mind wandering elsewhere as she observed the burning wood. 

“No problem.” The woman replied, much to Ellie’s surprise. Ellie turned back around and saw that the woman’s eyes were no longer cold and sharp but instead much warmer, softer, a glint of curiosity hidden in them. Her voice had also lost its sternness, her words coming out much lighter. She opened her mouth to speak again. 

“I’m Kennedy.” She said. Ellie repeated the name in her head, even though she’d probably be asked to leave after a couple of days and would never see her again. Regardless of how long she would know this woman, she couldn’t think of a reason to not share her name as well.

“Ellie.” She said simply.

Kennedy gave her a small, barely noticeable grin of acknowledgement. After the exchange of names, they were both quiet for a few minutes as the both of them tried to move past the initial stage of meeting someone. Kennedy remained rooted in front of the door, leaning against it and holstering her weapon. Ellie was in the middle of running her fingers through Otis’s fur, watching the tufts of golden blonde poke through the space in between them, when Kennedy decided to break the ice first.

“So… where did you come from?” She asked. Ellie knew that Kennedy probably had more pressing questions at the tip of her tongue, more than likely relating to the fact that she was covered in bites and had mushrooms emerging from her skin, but wasn’t ready to ask. At least, not yet.

“I stayed in an old travel van a few miles from here. It was shitty but better than nothing.” She replied. Kennedy nodded, listening intently.

“I see… so you walked all the way here, I presume?”

“Yeah,” Ellie said. She cleared her throat. “What about you? How’d you even find this place?”

Kennedy chuckled softly. “Before I came here I was with a group of people. We were living out of some grocery store. Got separated…” she trailed off, staring at the hard wood floor beneath her blankly. Ellie sensed that she had begun reliving some kind of unpleasant memory, but before she could say anything about it, Kennedy shook her head, as if trying to dispel the sudden thought. 

“We, um, got separated, and I ran off in a random direction. I guess I just got lucky… coming across this.” She said, gesturing to the cabin itself. 

“Real lucky.” Ellie added. Kennedy nodded in agreement. 

“Yeah…” she said quietly. 

Suddenly, she stopped leaning on the door and walked toward Ellie, grabbing a backpack that had been placed on the recliner on the way, before sitting down next to her on her folded blanket. She still left a considerable amount of space between them.

“How long have you been staying here?” Ellie questioned. 

“Only for a few days. I actually plan on leaving tomorrow morning, though.”

Ellie perked up at that. “Where to?”

“A place called Jackson.”

Ellie fell silent, feeling a familiar tenseness in her shoulders. Her stare was blank as she looked ahead at the flames in front of her. 

“Jackson?”

Kennedy looked at Ellie quizzically. “Yeah. You heard of it? Had a friend tell me that they had food, clean water, shelter, electricity, a decently sized community… seems like a great place to stay. It could be a rumor for all I know, but I had to find out for myself.”

“I know about Jackson,” Ellie replied. Kennedy looked at Ellie in surprise. 

“Are you from there?” She asked excitedly, eyes shimmering with hope.

“I, um… know about people from there.” 

A smile had broken out on Kennedy’s face upon hearing this information. She scooted closer to Ellie, and whether it was a subconscious or conscious action, Ellie wasn’t sure.

“Would you happen to know if it’s nearby? All my friend told me was to keep heading north. At least, that’s what she heard from other people.”

Ellie’s eyebrows had furrowed slightly in confusion. “She didn’t give you any landmarks, at least?”

Kennedy shook her head. “No..” she said.

“So you’ve just been wandering around, hoping and praying to some higher power that you’re going in the right direction?” Ellie couldn’t hide the amusement in her tone nor could she fight the smile that was tugging on the corner of her lips. Kennedy also found herself sporting a mirthful expression in response to Ellie’s blatant teasing.

“Listen, a lead is a lead, okay? Now, do you know if Jackson is close by or not?” Kennedy asked, suppressing giggles that threatened to bubble from her throat. 

“You really are lucky, then. You’re not too far off. But, uh,” Ellie thought about the map that she found earlier. She grabbed her backpack, opening it up and pulling out the folded piece of paper from inside. She handed it to Kennedy.

"This might help you out." Ellie said.

Kennedy could only gawk at the piece of paper, effectively being stunned into silence. She stared at it for a few long seconds as if she thought it was going to vanish from Ellie’s hand. She accepted the map, looking at it in awe. 

“Holy shit. How did you find this?”

“I guess I… got lucky?” Ellie replied, echoing Kennedy’s words from earlier, to which Kennedy let out a genuine, hearty laugh that shook her whole body and even had Otis poking his head up in curiosity, disturbed by all of the sudden ruckus.

Ellie noticed Kennedy’s wide smile, mirroring the expression. Kennedy’s laugh was truly contagious, and the infectiousness of the sound had spread to Ellie, causing a few chuckles to escape her throat.

Eventually, Kennedy had calmed down, feeling a little out of breath from the exertion that comes from having a good laugh. 

“Thank you, Ellie. Really.” Kennedy said. “I’m… glad you found me when you did.” 

Ellie shrugged. She felt that same warmth she felt when she helped the married couple just mere hours ago. “Don’t mention it.”

After tucking away the map in her backpack, Kennedy began rummaging inside for something else. She found what she was searching for eventually, pulling out a tupperware bowl full of clean cuts of meat. Ellie wasn’t even fully aware of how hungry she actually was until seeing it, and Otis was now giving Kennedy all of his attention, automatically equating the bowl in Kennedy’s hand to something to do with food.

“Please excuse my lack of hospitality,” Kennedy said, teasingly. “You must be pretty hungry, huh? Here, you can have this.” She outstretched her arm and offered Ellie the bowl of meat, to which Ellie gladly accepted and tore open the lid in the blink of an eye.

“Thanks,” she said. “A lot.” 

Kennedy chuckled. “It’s not a problem. Oh, and there should be enough in there for the dog, too.” She said.

Before Ellie dove in and had a few strips herself, she took out some pieces of meat to give Otis. Otis ate them happily, tail wagging against the rug. Once Otis was satisfied and taken care of, Ellie ate the remaining pieces, so hungry that she was eating faster than she intended to but she didn’t really care all that much. The meat was bland, like she expected it to be. It wasn’t anything she wasn’t used to at this point. She still devoured the meat anyway, too starved to give a damn.

There was a comfortable silence that had fallen over the both of them as they sat in front of the fire. Ellie didn’t realize it until now, but she missed being in the company of somebody else. She missed having someone to have a conversation with, and for once, it was nice to feel truly safe. In the travel van, she always found herself peering out of its few windows at the slightest noise. There was obviously no one around to speak to; to befriend. 

She thought she had gotten used to being alone. But Kennedy made her realize that she was far from truly accepting her loneliness. Ellie didn’t want the sun to rise, because then that meant Kennedy would leave; and her worst fear would become true once more.

But she knew she couldn’t talk Kennedy out of her trip. She wouldn’t want to, anyway. Ellie knew that Jackson would be a far better place for her than in a small cabin out in the middle of the woods.

“I want to ask you a few things.” Kennedy’s voice pulled Ellie out of her mind. 

“Ask away.” Ellie said. She braced herself.

“So. You’re immune.” Kennedy didn’t phrase it like a question; more like a statement, to which Ellie nodded. 

“Yeah.” 

“When… when did you find that out?”

Ellie sighed, taking some minutes to compose herself. “When I was 14.” she replied, silently hoping that Kennedy wouldn’t pry for more information after that.

“Shit. You were so young.” Kennedy said. Ellie nodded.

“Can I… touch it? I won’t hurt you, will I?” Kennedy inquired. It had caught Ellie a little off guard, but she was thankful that Kennedy wasn’t asking for more details about how she got her first bite, so she didn’t mind. She held out her arm, and Kennedy had reached out her hand but she hesitated. She met Ellie’s eyes, once again asking for permission non-verbally, to which Ellie simply nodded.

Kennedy’s fingers slowly touched the fungal growth on Ellie’s arm. She did the same thing Ellie did when she first got it, tugging on them and attempting to twist and bend them. Kennedy’s expression was that of innocent curiosity as she continued to feel Ellie’s arm. She glanced up at Ellie occasionally, checking for any signs of discomfort, but Ellie only sat there patiently.

“They’re so hard,” Kennedy observed. “And it doesn’t hurt?”

Ellie lightly shook her head. “No, I promise. It’s itchy sometimes. That’s about it.”

“I see. Man, it’s crazy to see these things up close. Can’t really get close to a clicker.” Kennedy said. Ellie exhaled sharply through her nose, the sound resembling something of a chuckle. 

“I didn’t think anyone like you even existed. I wonder if there’s more immune people.” 

Ellie quickly shook her head. Kennedy noticed the slight movement out of the corner of her eyes. She was finished analyzing Ellie’s arm, meeting Ellie’s gaze. She was quiet, allowing Ellie to elaborate.

“There is no one else.” Ellie said softly but with finality in her tone, her eyes filled with sincerity. 

“There has to be. I mean, people could be hiding it or something. It’s not like they can just going around telling ever-”

“There is. No one. Else .” Ellie interrupted, her voice coming out more stern then she intended it to. Kennedy was effectively silenced, and Ellie watched the hope dissipate from her eyes as she leaned back, hugging her knees to her chest and staring off into the fire. Ellie mentally cursed herself for being the one to suddenly shift the mood.

“Shit. I’m sorry.” Ellie said. 

After a few beats of silence, Kennedy sighed. "It's okay. I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable."

Ellie was quick to distinguish any ounce of self-blame that Kennedy was feeling. "You didn't. I didn't mean for it to come out the way." 

Kennedy gave Ellie a small smile. "It's alright, Ellie. Let's just move on, yeah?" 

Ellie nodded, wordlessly agreeing. She cleared her throat. 

"So, anyway… you wouldn't happen to have anything to wash this down with, would you?" 

Kennedy once again reached into her bag and pulled out a canteen. She shook it, and she frowned when she heard that there was very little water left. 

"This is all I have. But you can have the rest of it." 

Ellie was quick to decline. "No… you'll need that for your trip tomorrow-" 

"Please." Kennedy insisted, a faint grin resting on her lips and a finality in her tone that Ellie just couldn't say no to. She accepted the water, nodding her head as a silent thanks. 

She wasted no time in chugging the remaining water that was inside the canteen, eagerly lapping up every last drop. Otis stared at her curiously, whining to get Ellie's attention; but Ellie had already emptied the canteen. 

Ellie looked down at Otis apologetically, petting the top of her head for compensation. “I’m sorry, buddy.”

Kennedy frowned while observing the interaction, immediately being kicked into action. She grabbed her gun and reached out her hand to take the canteen. “I can get some more water. The nearest lake is a bit of a walk, but-”

“It’s alright,” Ellie started. “I’m sure he can make it through the night.”

“You sure?” Kennedy asked. Ellie nodded.

“Okay.” She replied, sitting back down in front of the fire.

With an audible yawn, Kennedy laid down on her back. Ellie continued sitting upright, staring emptily into the fire.

“Aren’t you tired, Ellie?” Kennedy asked. Ellie just shrugged.

“I’m fine. Just… thought I should keep an eye out.” She replied.

Kennedy chuckled at Ellie’s paranoia. “Hey, we’re safe here, I promise. I’ve been alone here for a while now and you’re the first person to find this place.” 

Ellie would be lying if she said that she wasn’t beginning to feel the exhaustion overtaking her. Aside from the fact that she had quite the tiring day, many of the nights she spent in the travel van were sleepless ones, and all those missed hours of rest were certainly catching up to her. She could feel it in the way her bones ached with every slight movement, and how her eyelids were getting heavier and heavier with each passing minute. Even Otis had fallen asleep before her, lying on his side, his chest rising and falling slowly. The fire wasn’t helping, either, only adding to her fatigue as the fire’s warmth encompassed her body like a thick blanket.

Ellie sighed, ultimately making the choice to listen to the signals her body was giving her. 

Ellie started to lay down, grabbing her backpack to use as a pillow.

“Wait,” Kennedy said. Ellie froze, turning her body around to see what Kennedy was up to.

Kennedy took the blanket she was lying on top of and unfolded it, placing it on the floor in a way that would allow Ellie to lie on top of it as well. 

“There. So you’re not sleeping directly on the floor.” Kennedy said with a smile. Ellie gave her a barely noticeable grin in return as a silent thanks. 

When Ellie had laid down comfortably, Kennedy grabbed a second blanket of hers and covered the both of them with the soft fabric. There was just enough of it so that the both of them could fit under it comfortably. Kennedy was lying on her back, her hands behind her head, whilst Ellie was lying in the fetal position, facing away from her. There was a comfortable silence that fell between the two of them. Ellie’s eyes had fallen closed, and she felt the looming presence of sleep creeping up to her–

“Ellie.” Kennedy whispered. “Are you sleeping?”

“No.” Ellie replied. 

“I just… have more questions I wanna ask you.” Kennedy said. Ellie could have simply told her to ask them tomorrow, but she hadn’t had any kind of company in what felt like an eternity, and she knew that Kennedy would be leaving as soon as the sun rose, so she gave Kennedy her full attention.

Ellie turned her body around, still remaining in a position akin to the fetal position but facing Kennedy. Kennedy adjusted her position as well, now facing Ellie. There was still a decent amount of distance between the two of them, but they were much closer together now. For anybody else, the close proximity would have probably caused some level of discomfort, but Ellie didn’t find herself shying away.

“Shoot.” Ellie said.

Kennedy cleared her throat. “Um, so… can I ask what happened to your hand? I noticed it when you first came in, but I didn’t wanna bring it up at the time…”

Ellie was silent.

“You don’t… have to answer. Or tell me the full story. I’d hate to make you uncomfortable… again-”

“I got in a fight, and the person I was fighting… bit them off.”

Ellie could see Kennedy’s eyes widen and her eyebrows raise even in the darkness of the room. “Holy shit. They… bit them off?” Kennedy repeated, disbelief evident in her tone. Ellie nodded in confirmation.

“Yeah,” She said quietly. 

“Well, I hope you won that fight. Did you?” Kennedy asked. 

“Sure did.” Ellie lied. Kennedy didn’t suspect otherwise, chuckling at Ellie’s answer. 

“Hell yeah.” Kennedy responded, a light grin resting on her face. Shortly after, though, the grin quickly faded.

“Oh and… sorry about that.” Kennedy added. 

Ellie shrugged. “I’ve… gotten used to it.” She replied.

“Having only eight fingers… what does it change for you?”

Ellie was quiet for a moment as she thought about her answer. “Well, uh… holding guns felt a little weird, but I figured that out pretty quickly. I’m not left-handed, which is a good thing I guess, but… I think the thing I’m upset about the most is that I can’t play guitar.”

Kennedy let out a barely audible gasp, but Ellie picked up on it. “You play guitar? Or, um… played?”

Ellie nodded. “Yeah. Did… did you?” She asked.

A wide smile broke out on Kennedy’s face, stretching from ear to ear. “Yeah, actually. I played guitar for years. Even had one of my own, back when I was with my group. But when we got attacked, I had to… leave it behind.” Kennedy’s voice began to shake. “I miss playing so much. It really just… took my mind off of everything, y’know? Felt like I was back with my friends and family… sorry, I’m rambling, aren’t I?”

Almost subconsciously, Ellie reached out her hand, gently placing it on Kennedy’s arm.

“Losing the one connection to your past… I get it. And I’m sorry.” Ellie said softly. 

Kennedy didn’t say anything in response, the sound of her occasional sniffles filling the silence of the room. 

“Y,know,” Ellie began. “When you get to Jackson, you might be able to find a new one.”

“A new guitar?” Kennedy asked. Ellie nodded. 

“Yeah. The people there trade stuff all the time, you might get lucky.”

“Maybe…” Kennedy trailed off. 

When silence befell the two of them again, Ellie took that time to roll over onto her back, staring up at the ceiling. Subconsciously, she scratched the area of her arm where the fungal growth was located. 

“When you get to Jackson, what are you gonna do?” Ellie inquired, curiosity lacing her tone. 

“Let’s see,” Kenney said, releasing a sigh as she contemplated her answer for a moment. “Honestly? I just want to be able to settle down and start over. I wanna create a new life for myself. Meet new people.” She explained. 

“I’m sure you’ll be able to do that.” Ellie replied.

Slowly, Kennedy’s wistful expression morphed into one of confusion. “Why don’t you… come with me?” She asked.

Ellie stiffened, sitting up and resting her forearms on her knees. Almost immediately, Kennedy sat up as well, maintaining eye contact with her despite the fact that Ellie was now zeroing in on the fire in front of her. 

Ellie found herself picking at the fungal plates on her arm. 

“I can’t.” Ellie said, after a few moments of heavy silence.

Kennedy’s eyebrows furrowed. “Why can’t you? I mean, do you really wanna stay out here?”

Ellie shrugged. “No one in Jackson would want me around when I look like this .”

Kennedy’s eyes briefly went up and down the length of Ellie’s body like it was her first time seeing the fungal growth on her skin. “Give them enough time, and I’m sure they’ll get accustomed to it. I mean, I did.”

The chuckle that was emitted from Ellie’s throat was a humorless one. “Some people might get used to it. Other people won’t. They’d only feel unsafe around me… and I don’t want that.”

“But you’re not a threat–”

“I’m not going back, Kennedy. There’s no place for me there anymore.”

Kennedy scooted closer to Ellie. “Anymore?” She asked, subtly urging Ellie to elaborate.

“I… used to live in Jackson. For quite a while, actually.”

“Why did you–”

“I don’t wanna get into why I left. I just want you to understand. I can’t go back. I don’t even want to go back. Not right now, anyway.” Ellie said with finality in her tone.

Kennedy nodded, a deep frown etched into her features. She began fiddling with a loose string on the blanket.

“I’m sure the people there miss you.” Kennedy said. 

“For all I know, they probably think I’m dead. Or at the very least, they’re not concerned with me anymore.”

“But you’re not dead. And there is still time for you to–”

“You can’t convince me, Kennedy. I’m sorry.”

“Right. I understand.” She said quietly.

With a sigh, Ellie began putting out the fire. “We should sleep.” She said, abruptly ending their conversation there. 

It took a few minutes to put the fire out, as Ellie carefully observed the flames and waited until they had completely dissipated. When no embers remained, it left the room mostly pitch black, with the exception of a few rays of moonlight filtering in through the curtains. 

Ellie and Kennedy both laid back down atop the blanket, turning away from each other. 

For the first time in a long time, Ellie slept peacefully throughout the night.

—-

The next morning, Ellie woke up to the sound of a door closing gently. 

Kennedy had come from outside, with Otis coming in shortly after. She held two deceased rabbits in her hand. 

"Morning." Ellie said. Kennedy threw a smile in her direction, placing the rabbits in front of the fire. Ellie quickly noticed her rifle that was slung over Kennedy’s shoulders.

"Morning. I went ahead and took Otis out to use the bathroom and to get some air – and sorry I, uh… stole your rifle, but hopefully this can suffice for breakfast. Do you… know how to skin a-"

"I got it. Thanks." Ellie replied. 

“Awesome,” Kennedy said. “Just so you know… there’s a freshwater lake right behind the cabin. It’s roughly a 20 minute walk. I recommend boiling it before you use it for anything. Obviously there’s plenty of wood around for the fireplace.”

“Okay.” Ellie replied simply. She noticed that Kennedy was about to put the rifle back down where she found it, and quickly halted her movements, to which Kennedy glanced at her in slight confusion.

“Keep it.” Ellie said. Kennedy seemed taken aback.

“I can’t just-”

“Is your pistol the only gun you have?”

Kennedy paused, but then nodded. “Well… yeah, but-”

“Then please, keep it. You never know when you’ll need a backup. I’ll be fine without it.” Ellie said. She then grabbed her backpack, rummaging inside for a few minutes before pulling out a couple of packs of ammunition and handing it to her.

“Here.” Ellie said. Kennedy humbly accepted the ammunition and the weapon, giving Ellie an expression that could only be read as grateful, before going to retrieve her bag off of the recliner. She pulled out the map that she had hastily thrown inside before slinging the straps over her shoulders. She picked up her gun from the table and holstered it, and threw the strap of the rifle over her shoulder, making her way to the door. But she didn't leave immediately, instead pausing in front of it and turning around to face Ellie. This time, the expression on her face was one Ellie couldn’t quite read. Kennedy stared at the ground for a few moments, almost as if she was contemplating if she really wanted to leave. 

"I guess this is where we part ways." Kennedy spoke solemnly. Ellie gave a small nod, remaining silent. 

A sigh blew past Kennedy's lips. "I take it you still haven't changed your mind?" 

"No. I haven't." Ellie replied. 

"I figured, but I just wanted to make sure." Kennedy said, chuckling humorlessly. "Well, Ellie, before I go… I think it'd only be right to thank you." 

"For what?" 

"Well, for starters, giving me a map so that I know where the hell I'm going,” She replied with a grin. “And… for last night. It's been a long time since I had a conversation with someone. It felt nice." 

Ellie nodded in silent agreement. "Yeah. It did.”

Kennedy’s grin stretched into a smile. "You stay safe out here, okay?" 

“I’ll try.” Ellie responded, a smile of her own creeping onto her features. 

Kennedy shared one more meaningful glance with Ellie before turning around and slowly turning the doorknob. Otis had rested his head on Ellie’s knee, eyes fixated on Kennedy as he watched her leave. As Ellie ran her fingers through his fur, a sudden but sorrowful realization had dawned on her.

“Wait.” Ellie said, and Kennedy was only halfway out of the door when she had stopped in her tracks. 

“Do you think you could take him with you?” Ellie asked, gesturing toward Otis. “There’s no way I’d be able to provide for him out here. Jackson will have everything he needs. Pets were never really my thing, anyway.”

A grin reappeared on Kennedy’s face as she nodded. “Yeah, of course. I’ll take him off your hands.”

“Thank you.” Ellie replied. Kennedy made a short, clicking noise with her mouth, getting Otis’s attention. She gestured for him to come toward her, and like the obedient dog he was, he did just that, trotting over to her while wagging his bushy tail. At that moment, as Otis sat next to her feet, Kennedy seemed to have suddenly remembered something.

“You know, I can’t believe I never asked what his name was.” She said, chuckling incredulously. 

Ellie couldn’t suppress her own chuckles as she thought back to the moment she first found out the dog’s name just last night. “You’ll laugh when you find out what it is.” She said.

“Surely it’s not that bad,” Kennedy replied as she kneeled down to read the dog’s collar. When she had read the name, sharp laughter escaped her throat, just like Ellie had predicted. Ellie found herself laughing with her, while Otis just sat there, completely unaware that the two humans were poking fun at his name.

“Otis?” Kennedy spoke after her laughter had died down. “Man, I can’t say I’ve ever heard that one.”

“Me neither.” Ellie said, a light smile on her face. 

“But,” Kennedy spoke, running her fingers through the dog’s fur affectionately. “I gotta say, it suits him.” 

Ellie gave a small nod. “It really does.” 

When silence dawned on them again, the air around them felt different. Ellie knew that Kennedy couldn’t stick around for much longer. There was a pit that was settling in the bottom of Ellie’s stomach at the realization that she would be alone again. 

“Can I… walk you out?” Ellie asked. Kennedy nodded fervently.

The two of them, plus Otis, walked back outside. Ellie decided to lean against one of the wooden beams on the porch as she watched Otis and Kennedy descend the small flight of stairs and head toward the road. Kennedy stopped after a few steps, though, turning around to face Ellie one last time.

“Do you think that we’ll… cross paths again someday?” Kennedy questioned. 

“Maybe.” Ellie said.

“That’s better than a no, so I’ll take it.” Kennedy replied, grinning playfully.

Suddenly, their departure didn’t feel sorrowful anymore – instead, it felt hopeful. Ellie believed that this would be a new beginning for the both of them.

“See you, Ellie.” Kennedy said.

“Goodbye, Kennedy.” 

With one final wave, Kennedy clicked her tongue again to alert Otis to follow her, and the two of them began their long journey to Jackson.

“You’ll make it to Jackson in one piece, right?” Ellie called out. Kennedy whipped her head around to briefly glance at Ellie. 

“You can count on it.” She replied, giving Ellie a salute. 

Then, her eyes were back on the path ahead of her. 

Ellie watched as Kennedy and Otis got farther and farther away until she could no longer see them. When they had completely disappeared into the dense foliage, Ellie’s gaze wandered elsewhere. In the few minutes that she took to properly observe the life around her, she was struck with something.

 In a world where the overall human population was left decimated, and small towns and large cities completely ruined, there was still so much beauty in the wilderness, and Ellie couldn’t deny that. There was something so profound about the fact that while everything else succumbed to the fate of a lethal fungal infection, mother nature endured. Inside of that old travel van, Ellie never noticed just how vibrant the trees were, and how tall they stood. There were squirrels and rabbits and birds going about their day without a worry in the world.

She may have lost everything. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t start anew. 

There were changes that her body was undergoing, ones that she didn’t fully understand. But Ellie knew that just like every other living thing in the world, she would adapt.

She heard a voice in the far back of her mind:

You keep finding something to fight for.

And fight, she would.

[dancing-cockroaches]

HoooolYYYYY CRAPPOLAAAA

Since me and my husband moved, we no longer needed renters insurance. It was bundled with my auto through Allstate. We could share a renters policy, but even then had to have separate auto. They were like sorry y'all are pretty much strangers to eachother come back when its official. So anyway now that it's not bundled, my car insurance skyrocketed past $400 a month. I drive a fucking kia soul by the way, nothing fancy, insurance charges are just insane here. That's on the lower end I've been quoted, because oh bitch I looked.

So I know I say "my husband", we got into that habit despite the fact our marriage license [application/information] is still sitting at the marriage bureau. A few hiccups caused the finalization to be delayed. Literally last second at the ceremony, as in right before it, we had to be like "oh yeah uh.. due to sudden circumstances we're gonna need that paperwork to not be official so this is just gonna be like a last second symbolic thing now". So they gave us a (very obviously fake) souvenir one instead lmaooo. Like health insurance (being on his policy would be pricey, being married would make me unable to remain under my dads). But right now, I don't give a rat's ass about health insurance despite the fact my body is in such shambles (inability to stay asleep for more than 3 hours, complete loss of appetite, severe eczema covering my already sickly skeletal appearance. My entire abdomen/tittays, back, arms, bootayy, reaching up my neck & collarbone to my face shit is painful bitch it fuckin hurteth) that it's noticeable enough to make others look at me in shock like "damn bitch you are not ok, I am legitimately concerned". Like yeah I should really go to a doctor, I can go a month without it until insurance kicks in from my new job. At this point, fuck health insurance it's no longer my primary concern, that would be car insurance since I legally need it to get to work and make money to pay that ridiculous amount. I could be told I have a severe staph infection from my eczema (a small part of a particularly bad area is already starting to possibly look infected, no I DO NOT scratch it, I know that just makes it worse, i always either use an ice pack or rub with the palm of my hand) and the first thing on my mind would be "ok bitch who cares when I'm having to pay HALF A GRAND FOR FUCKING CAR INSURANCE".

The thing is, my man's got that USAA savings. Already got a quote on my car if it were under his policy, shit would drop down to around $50-$100. I immediately called him up like "we gotta get that paperwork finalized. I dont care if I have to drag a random bystander off the street to be the damn witness, or if we have to do it at 2 am or whatever weird time since the bureau is open 24/7, I ain't paying over $400 a month". So this weekend. Definitely. Hopefully. Because Allstate over here trying to make my heart stop with their bullshit.

Getting married for health insurance is out, getting married for auto insurance is in.

[commanderogerss]

[insert video of the woman walking into a room going "hi, hey, how y'all doing?"]

hello hi! i hope y'all are well. sorry for being so mia. i don't know how many will actually see this and care, but for anyone reading at all hello! putting under a read more because this became longer than intended.

i've honestly been busy just on my other tumblr which is a nsft one (i'm not hiding it per se, but i'm not making it known who i am. basically, if you work in cybersecurity, you could probably tell the account is mine lmfao). i'm not posting it here, if mutuals REALLY want to see my perverted thoughts and photos of myself you can, but like, it's probably quite triggering to some.

i made a nsft tumblr because i didn't want to be too horny on main here, and honestly i miss posting to somewhere where i can be insanely horny. i've made a lot of great friends there actually, funnily enough the engagement with likes vs reblogs has the same issues as fandom tumblr which makes me want to scream but also laugh.

other than that, i was working. but i was made redundant last month, so i now have no job and can spend more time on tumblr, and probably here too! i'll probs get back into gif making. i might make some gifs of the games i reviewed/featured for the place i write for since i didn't do that this year, but i only played like four or five games for there anyways.

i'm also getting back into writing fanfic. i still have a bigbang that was due like 5 or so months ago that i never posted and i feel bad. a lot of shit happened in the last 5 months tbh. like it's wild.

i got hot, because i was tired of being a shut-in. i still got that chronic pain but i'm hot with chronic pain. partner got into a situationship with someone from hell so i have some weird trauma from that (happy to spill the beans for mutuals, it's a wild story). i didn't have enough money to get to work so i had to work from home for a bit. then my hours were cut to 15, then three days after they were cut, got a call that i was made redundant.

also figured out that he underpaid me and i'm owed like $5k before taxes which is nice. but now i've gotta go back on jobseeking and find a job. hopefully it doesn't take me like 9 years to get a job. but we'll see.

anyways, thanks for reading stranger. i can't promise i'll be here 24/7 because i get more attention from the nsft blog and i have a dopamine deficiency, but yeah. that's what you missed out on glee

[here2bbtstrash]

look down on me like that - 5 (explicit)

genre: slow burn enemies to lovers hatefucking coworkers au, smut (w some eventual angst)

pairing: yoongi x reader

summary: your asshole coworker min yoongi has made it his personal mission to ruin your life.

word count: 11.4k (you're welcome 😌)

contains: ~explicit sexual content~ !! *deep breath in* YES THERE IS ACTUAL FUCKING HAPPENING - EVERYONE REMAIN CALM. also i promise this is the most unhinged reader gets lmao. alright let's go: one night stand/stranger sex, semi-public sex (bathroom of a bar), fingering, spanking, a truly gratuitous blowjob, orgasm denial, a smidge of dirty talk/namecalling, finger sucking?, protected sex, semi-awkward sex lmao, the hatefucking is HERE 🙌🏻 plenty of alcohol mentions as always,, so much alcohol. this chapter also features a couple fun cameos - kihyun of monsta x and wonho 💜

A/N: hope y'all enjoy this absolute CHAOS!! i have so many lovely friends who cheered me on while i was writing this, far too many to name, but i fucking adore you all 🥺🥺 and i do want to specifically shoutout @kiestrokes because the ~spicy twist~ in this chapter would not be HALF as good if it wasn't for her and her big beautiful brain. srsly she took a half-baked idea i had and made it insane. god i love that woman. ALRIGHT ENOUGH BABBLING - ENJOY!!!!!

read on AO3!

chapter four | masterlist | chapter six

~*~

“Try this.” Jimin yanks an emerald green dress off the hanger and chucks it over his shoulder, nearly hitting you.

“Ugh, I hate this one,” you groan as you hold the offending item up for inspection, pinched between index finger and thumb. “The fabric is so itchy.” 

Your best friend whips around, hands on hips, when you question his taste. “I’m sorry, did I just hear you going back on our agreement? Is that what this is?”

You groan, flopping over onto your bedspread, doing your best not to mess up your hair. Jimin had, understandably, been pissed when you’d called him immediately upon leaving the office last night, hands still shaking as you cradled the phone against your cheek. You think you have permanent hearing damage from the anguished wails your best friend made as you finally admitted everything you hadn’t told him. And you certainly could have done without the appreciative noises he made after he forced you to describe Suga’s dick in explicit detail. 

It’s not like you aren’t constantly thinking about it, anyway.

Especially now that Yoongi has specifically told you everything, everything he wants to do to you. The words swim back to you in pieces whenever you aren’t actively trying to suppress the memory. Finger that tight little pussy. Spank you until you bruise. Fuck you like the slut you so clearly are.

God. You’ve been horny for 24 hours straight. This can’t be good for your health.

Jimin had nearly disowned you for letting secrecy infiltrate your friendship for the first time in over a decade, but then he’d realized how truly distraught you were as you just kept babbling into the phone about Suga, too far gone to make any sense.

“Jesus fucking christ, it’s not the end of the world!” He’d finally interrupted with a frustrated groan. “You really think Suga is the only man in the world who can fuck you senseless? He was probably overselling it anyway. Having a pretty dick doesn’t guarantee he knows what to do with it.”

At this point you’d stumbled onto the bus home, and you remember smacking your forehead against the cold glass of the window with a whine at the words pretty dick, your mind already departing on another Yoongi spiral.

Jimin’s peal of laughter rang in your ears. “I’ve never heard you down this bad in my life, good god girl! We just need to get you laid so your fucking brain can work right again.”

“Please,” you’d grunted.

“Alright, I’m coming over tomorrow, and we’re going out.” He’d paused then, and you knew there was more even before he continued. It was like you could hear his evil smile. “And I get to pick your outfit.”

You’re snapped out of the memory as a second dress is tossed your way, this one hitting you square in the face.

“Either the green or this one. You’re still in the doghouse, ma’am,” Jimin reminds you.

You pull the second option up to examine it, already grateful for the softer feel of the material. Jimin loves to put you in shit that you’d never wear— usually dresses that he bought for you, or bullied you into buying. You think you already dress pretty racy when you go out, but Jimin likes to take it to another level, always encouraging you to show more skin, more tits, more ass. He’s definitely responsible for this number even being in your closet: dark burgundy in color, it’s tight, short, and the cutouts leave very little to the imagination.

You whine softly despite yourself. “Do I have to? I’m going to freeze to death.”

Jimin has already moved to sit at your desk, examining his hair in the mirror you use to do your makeup. He’s in one of his favorite going-out shirts, one he claims “makes even the straight boys look twice”, a blue and white striped button down with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He doesn’t even bother making eye contact with you as he peers at his reflection, fiddling with the silver hoops in his ears. “I dunno. Depends on whether or not you value my friendship.”

You roll your eyes at his dramatics. “I can’t stand you.”

“Will you shut up and put your damn freakum dress on already?” He rummages through your makeup bag without asking until he finds what he’s looking for, a tube of Fenty gloss that he dabs in the center of his bottom lip.

“That is not what freakum dress means,” you say with a laugh as you stand to strip out of your sweats, but he’s already reaching for his phone that’s connected to your Bluetooth speaker, another requirement for the evening in order to keep your friendship intact. Beyoncé starts to blast as you pull your shirt over your head and suck in for dear life.

“So, what exactly is the plan?” You ask as soon as you swallow down another shot, nearly shouting to be heard over the noise of the bar. Jimin made you do a couple in your kitchen before you left, and though you haven’t even been out for an hour, you’re already straddling the line between tipsy and drunk.

He shoots you a look. “Don’t act so innocent, like I haven’t personally seen you go home with random dudes.”

Your gaze flits over the mass of bodies out on the dance floor. “I mean, yeah, but…” You shrug, grimacing slightly. “I don’t know, it’s been a while. And we’re not in college anymore.”

“What about him?” You look back at Jimin and he nods his head behind you. You do your best to be subtle as you glance over your shoulder to see two guys a couple of tables away.

“Which one?”

Jimin makes a face like it’s obvious. “Are you kidding me? The absolutely built daddy with the red hair?”

You examine them more closely, scrunching your nose up a little. He’s cute, big as hell, and you certainly notice his bubble butt in those tight pants. But it just doesn’t feel right. “I don’t know that he’s my type.” When your gaze lands on his friend, dressed in all black, dark hair skimming over his eyes as he leans in to say something, your heart flips in your chest. Now that could work.

Turning back to Jimin to say as much, you realize that he’s already brushing past you. “Well I’m not stupid,” he scoffs, and you scramble to follow after him as he stalks confidently across the room.

He’s already talking to them when you catch up. “Hi boys. Care for some company?”

They glance at each other, and you can tell Jimin’s presence is clearly unexpected but not unwelcome. He wasn’t wrong: nobody can resist him in that damn shirt.

“Sure,” red-haired daddy says with a shy giggle, and you have to bite back a smile. You were not expecting a guy that built to react so softly, and you already know your best friend is going feral on the inside. There is nothing Jimin loves more than a man he can fluster. Especially one who can make him pay for it.

His friend flags down a server and orders a round of shots for the table, then gives you a small wave as Jimin takes the liberty of giving his name and yours. “I’m Kihyun.”

“Hoseok,” Jimin's target is clearly squirming under his intense gaze. “But my friends call me Wonho.”

“Can I be your friend?” Jimin purrs. You’re nearly laughing at how quickly he lost the plot of trying to get you laid, but he’s also such an intense flirt that it nearly works as a wingman maneuver, in its own weird way.

You scoot a little closer to Kihyun as Jimin and Wonho disappear into their own conversation. Up close you can really admire how attractive he is, full lips and a wickedly sharp jawline.

“Hi,” you say with a smile, surprised to find yourself slightly nervous despite the alcohol coursing through your system.

“Hi,” he says back, and he looks like he’s about to say more when the server reappears with a tray of four shots.

“Thanks again for these,” you say as you reach for one, and he waves it off. You glance over at Jimin and Wonho, assuming they might want to toast as a group, but Jimin is already hooking his elbow around Wonho’s ridiculous bicep and making a not-at-all-subtle comment about how big he is, intertwining their arms before they each throw the shot back.

You look at Kihyun again, who is biting his lip nervously, and you can feel your face heat up. You’re no Jimin, so you settle for gently tapping your shot glass against his. “Cheers.”

He echoes the sentiment and you down your drinks simultaneously. You shiver a little as you swallow, but you’ve had enough that you don’t even feel the burn of the alcohol.

“So,” Kihyun’s eyes flit over to Jimin, then return to you. “Do you two come here a lot?”

You shrug. “We rotate. Jimin likes this place more than I do. You?”

He laughs softly. “Not really. Honestly, we’re both homebodies, but we try to get out every so often. Always nice to meet new people.” It’s so quick you nearly miss it, but you swear his eyes jump down your figure and back up again.

You try to ignore the little voice in your head reminding you of another pair of eyes; dark, calculating, wandering over your body. Not now.

“I couldn’t agree more,” you say, because it’s true: a new person is definitely what you need in this moment.

Before you can ask a follow-up question, you hear Jimin, talking loudly so that he’s audible over the music. “Your thighs look so good in those pants!” You have to resist the urge to smack your head against the table when you look over to see him attempting— and absolutely failing— to wrap his small hands around the circumference of Wonho’s leg, who is giggling like a schoolgirl.

You glance back at Kihyun, who is equally enraptured. “I’m so sorry,” you say quietly. “He is unfortunately always like this.”

“You know where else those thighs would look good?” Jimin’s voice lowers as he asks the question, and you watch Kihyun’s eyes go wide.

“Do you want to dance?” You say quickly, and he nods so fast you think his head might fall off. You start to break away from the group, his hand slipping to your waist, when Jimin smacks the table so loud that it makes you jump.

“Hey!” He yells, and you turn back, but he’s pointing at Kihyun, who instantly looks terrified. He leans in, as if to divulge confidential information, and Kihyun takes a tentative step towards him.

“Just so you’re aware,” Jimin starts, and you know it’s going to be bad. “She needs to get dicked down. Severely. Hope you’re ready.”

You close your hand around Kihyun’s wrist and drag him towards the dance floor, eager for a distraction to keep you from murdering your best friend.

Now that you’re actually in motion, you can feel the last couple of shots quickly catching up to you, the room blurring slightly at the edges. At the center of the dance floor, the thudding bass is loud enough to make it hard to think, which is exactly what you need right now.

You’re grateful not to have to force any more conversation, both of Kihyun’s hands slipping to your hips as you start to move in time to the music. It gives you free reign to admire him up close, and damn, he really is gorgeous. He’s only a little taller than you in your heels— probably about the same height as Yoongi, though his frame is slighter, smaller. You watch as his dark hair falls into his eyes again and he reaches up to sweep it off his forehead— Yoongi’s hair is a little longer, and he certainly has much better hands, but other than that—

You have to squeeze your eyes shut when you realize what the fuck you're doing. The whole point of this encounter is to stop thinking about Yoongi. Not pick apart this absolute stranger in comparison to him.

You desperately wish you could get another drink, but you know that would push you all the way into “drunk” territory. As much as you hate admitting it, Jimin was right: you really need to be able to consent to sex tonight. You’re gonna have to get through this the old-fashioned way, with sheer fucking willpower.

“Are you okay?”

Your eyes flutter open to meet Kihyun’s concerned gaze. “Yeah, yeah, sorry. Just, uh. Thinking about work.” Not a complete lie.

“Well, don’t,” he says with a soft laugh. “It’s the weekend. You should enjoy it.” His hands press a little tighter, pulling you close until your body is flush with his. His breath ghosts over your neck as you hear his voice in your ear. “That dress looks really good on you.”

A different voice echoes in your mind before you can stop it. Spread your legs for me. Show me what’s under that dress. You can’t help but wonder if this is what it feels like to literally go insane, and then you grab Kihyun’s face with both hands and kiss him in a desperate attempt to not think anymore.

You can feel him freeze, clearly not expecting it, but after a second his mouth starts to move against yours. His hands slip further down towards your ass, and fuck, it occurs to you that you are still incredibly horny. You need this to happen as soon as possible.

Pulling away and sliding your hands to Kihyun’s shoulders, you tilt up to speak into his ear. “Do you live near here?”

His eyes go wide for at least the third time tonight. “Y-yeah, not far.” You see his tongue dart out to lick his lips.

“I don’t know how to say this politely,” you admit with an embarrassed smile. “But my friend wasn’t wrong. About… what I need.”

He pauses for a moment, and your stomach twists as you prepare for rejection, the reasonable reaction considering you basically jumped this man like a crazy person. But then he smiles, leaning into you so he can keep his tone soft. “Come on, then.”

You follow Kihyun as he guides you towards the exit, keeping one hand pressed to the small of your back. It’s hard to miss the other half of your group making their way through the crowd— Wonho is large enough that people quickly shrink to get out of his way, but his gaze is entirely transfixed on Jimin’s ass in front of him. You nod in their direction and Kihyun follows as you push past bodies to reunite.

“Are you leaving?!” Jimin asks, and you can only nod. His eyes jump to Kihyun. “I told you, you better give it to her!” He shouts it so loudly that people standing behind him glance over their shoulders, but he is fully unfazed, now brandishing his cellphone. “And I always have her location on, so if you murder her, I will come find you!”

With a roll of your eyes, you lean across the circle so that Wonho can hear you. “Take good care of him, okay?” When you pull away, you swear he’s blushing as red as his hair, and he nods sheepishly.

You turn back to Kihyun. “Ready?”

The door to Kihyun’s apartment barely has time to close behind you before you find his lips with yours again. He presses you up against the wall of the entryway, and you waste no time in moving your hands over his body. His shirt and pants hit the floor in quick succession.

When he reaches for the hem of your dress, you cover his hands with yours to stop him. “Do you— is it okay if I keep it on?”

“Yeah,” he murmurs, breathless. “Yeah, okay.”

He kisses you again and you let him guide you backwards through an open door into his bedroom until you feel the mattress hit the backs of your knees. You perch on the edge of the bed and glance around the room, taking it in. It’s clean, if minimally furnished, and your stomach flips when you see a nondescript work desk tucked into one corner.

You look at Kihyun when you feel his hand gently rub your thigh, encouraging you to spread your legs.

“Kihyun?”

“Yeah?”

Your gaze jumps to his desk, then back to him. “Do— uh… Do you think you could bend me over your desk?”

He seems a little dumbfounded, and takes a second to find words. “Wh— I— yeah, yes, I can do that. I just—” he clears his throat. “Do you need, like, foreplay, or…?”

You stand up again, knees shaking slightly. “I’ll tell you what to do, does that work?”

It must, because he kisses you, eventually starting to move towards the desk. When you’ve gotten far enough, you feel him tug at your hips, encouraging you to spin around so your back is flush with his chest. His hand slides up to your shoulders to gently press you forward, and you brace your forearms on the desk, already breathless.

“P-pull my dress up,” you manage to instruct. His hands caress over your thighs, then move to the hem of your dress, pushing up until your ass is fully exposed for him.

Get a good look at that ass you were tempting me with, the voice in your head finishes for you. You squeeze your eyes shut, trying to focus on this moment, this man. Not any others.

You look back at Kihyun over your shoulder in an attempt to stay present, spreading your legs a little wider. “Touch me.”

He slowly moves a hand from your thigh up towards your core, and you feel his fingers just barely brush over the fabric of your underwear. The rush of contact after so much anticipation is enough to make you shiver slightly, but his touch is so light, so gentle.

Gentle is not what you need right now.

Keeping yourself held up on one arm, you reach the other behind you to forcefully tug your panties to the side. “Your fingers, Kihyun,” you hiss.

You tip your head forward and swallow down a whine of relief as he presses a digit into you and starts to rub circles. “How’s that?” His voice purrs in your ear, and you whimper as you nod.

It feels good, especially when he adds a second finger, but it’s not enough. He’s too soft, too tentative.

You look back at him again. “Can you spank me?”

You’ve officially lost count of the number of times you’ve surprised this man tonight. “I— what?”

“Like, smack my ass?”

“Like this?” He asks, but you barely feel it when he brings his hand down over your ass.

“Harder,” you say almost instantly, realizing after the fact that you could probably stand to be a little nicer to this random stranger. “Please.”

Kihyun’s second attempt is better, enough to make you groan softly as the sensation of the sting mixes with the movements of his fingers pressing against your front wall. He does it again, harder still, and you wiggle your ass back towards him— you need more, more than his hands can give.

“Kihyun,” you gasp, “want you to fuck me.”

“Yeah? I’ll fuck you right here,” he grunts. At least he seems to be genuinely into it, you think to yourself gratefully. He smacks your ass a final time and you bite down on your lip as he withdraws his fingers. “One second.”

You hear the sound of him opening a drawer somewhere in his room and retrieving a condom, and you let your eyes flutter closed until his hands brush over your hips again.

“Ready?”

“Yes, Kihyun, please,” you beg, your head dropping down onto your forearms. “Please fuck me.” Desire is wound up so tight inside you that you can’t think about anything else; you need this so fucking badly.

He makes a strangled whine as he presses into you, and you move your hips back onto him, gasping slightly at the stretch. “Fuck.”

“God, you feel so fucking good,” Kihyun groans, and he starts to roll into you with steady thrusts that brush the head of his cock right over your g-spot. You push backwards, matching his rhythm, and he’s not wrong: it feels good.

But it’s not enough.

“Harder,” you groan, your voice muffled in the crook of your elbow, and you hear Kihyun grunt as he picks up the pace, hips snapping against your ass. Better, but somehow still not what you need.

“Please, Kihyun,” you encourage again. “Fuck me like a slut.”

“Jesus,” he breathes, and for a second, you wonder if you’ve finally broken him. But then his hand cracks over your ass, hard enough to take you by surprise, and he starts to thrust even faster.

“Is this what you want?” He asks, and his voice is tense, almost angry; something about it makes your walls start to flutter. Your orgasm is so frustratingly close, yet somehow beyond your grasp.

And then you hear that all-too familiar voice in your head. I want to make you come so hard that your legs shake. Before you can help it, you moan a little at the memory. The way Yoongi leveled his gaze on you as he spoke so calmly, in a way that had you believing every single word. You can feel your core starting to tighten at the very thought, and once your brain realizes that’s what will get you there, it’s like the fucking floodgates open.

“Oh fuck,” you groan, and you can hear him grunt in agreement, like he’s close, too.

You’re helpless to stop it now, too desperate to come. Yoongi’s voice, his face, his tongue, his hands, his cock. It’s all you can think of. You gasp as everything inside you tightens and starts to pulse.

“Shit, shit, I’m gonna come,” you whine. So hard that you have no choice but to scream my name as I wreck you, the voice in your head finishes, and you dig your nails into the desk beneath you as you reach your climax.

Your back arches, pleasure washing over you, and you cry out. “Yes, Yoongi, yes!”

There’s a moment where his hips stutter, and then he pushes all the way into you one last time with a grunt of effort as he comes, too. Your heartbeat starts to slow.

And then it occurs to you that the man fucking you is absolutely not named Yoongi, and you smack a hand over your mouth.

“Oh my god,” you say softly, voice muffled, and you remove your hand as you start to straighten up. You can hear Kihyun still breathing heavily behind you, but he’s otherwise silent as he releases his grip on your hips and slides out of you.

“Kihyun,” you turn to watch him cross the room to the en-suite bathroom, where he briefly disappears to dispose of the condom. Face burning with embarrassment, you awkwardly maneuver to readjust your underwear and pull your dress back down over your ass.

When he reappears in the doorway, you try again. “Kihyun, I am so sorry. I—I don’t—” you fumble for what to say, knowing full well you don’t have a good explanation. At least not one that doesn’t make you sound insane.

“It’s cool,” he says, but he’s clearly uncomfortable. “I mean, you know. Shit happens.”

You glance around nervously for your phone before realizing it’s back on the table in the entryway where you tossed it in the throes of passion. You shoot Kihyun a weak smile. “I should— let me call Jimin. I can get a ride home.”

Kihyun laughs dryly. “Yeah, I’m gonna take a wild guess that he might be a little busy. I can take you home. It’s not a big deal.”

As much as your pride wants to refuse, you don’t exactly have a backup plan. “I would really appreciate that,” you murmur.

The drive is silent and painfully awkward, Kihyun turning up the music just loud enough that you get the indication that he doesn’t want to talk. As the lights of the city stream by, you can’t help but wonder how everything got so fucked up.

When Kihyun pulls up to your apartment complex, you indicate where he can drop you off, and he reaches over you as the car slows to a stop to politely open the door.

“Have a good night,” he says firmly, and you can barely manage a word of thanks before you slip out of his car and head up the stairs to die of embarrassment.

Jimin shows up at your door late Sunday afternoon, a takeout bag of haejangguk tucked under one arm, gushing incessantly about the various ways Wonho threw him around all night. It feels like he babbles for an hour, until he finally takes a break to sip from his own container of soup, and prompts you with a raise of his eyebrows.

“Your turn. Was your mission successful?”

You keep your gaze firmly planted on the floor as you recount what happened.

“Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

~*~

Jimin decides that you’ll try again next weekend, promising he’ll be less distracted. You’re not positive you’ll survive that long. You preemptively text Jungkook asking to take the week off from boxing class - your stomach is such a fucking bundle of nerves that you barely sleep at all Sunday night, and you know the next five days spent in constant fear of running into Yoongi is only going to make it worse.

Those same nerves creep up into your throat when you unlock the doors Monday morning, Jungkook waiting patiently behind you with his hands wrapped around the straps of his backpack.

Dread blooms inside of you as you move to place your purse on your desk, and then you make a split-second decision, spinning back to face Jungkook.

“Hey, JK?” The nickname is unplanned, just sort of comes out, but you see him visibly brighten. “Are there any open desks on your side of the office? I think I need a change of scenery.”

He nods, eyes wide. “Yeah! I’m actually all by myself right now. Sunye is on maternity leave for the rest of the month. You can use her desk.”

You gesture for him to lead the way and he does, heading past the break room and walking backwards down the hallway to keep talking to you. “Is there something wrong with your normal desk? We can always put in a work order.”

“Uh, no,” you scramble, trying to find a good excuse. “It can just be a little distracting, you know. People coming in and out all day. I’ve got a lot of stuff I need to be heads-down on this week.”

The excuse sounds flimsy and false to you, but he seems to buy it. “Yeah, makes sense! I’ll try not to distract you too much.”

He does a full 360-degree spin on his heels as you turn the corner at the end of the hall, and it’s enough to make you laugh softly despite yourself. There’s a small alcove with a desk pressed against either wall, and you don’t even have to ask which one is Jungkook’s. The standing desk is dotted with tell-tale signs of Baby Star Candy: an empty shaker cup, a mini tub of protein powder, several fidget toys tucked beneath his monitor. A small collage of polaroids is taped to the wall where you see him smiling with friends, throwing up a peace sign in nearly every single one.

Sunye’s desk is mostly empty, save for a few framed photos of her with her husband and two young kids. You drop your purse down and take a seat as Jungkook chucks his backpack under his desk, both of you reaching to retrieve your laptops.

Outlook hasn’t even loaded before he’s turned around and talking to you again. “So how was your weekend?”

You grimace reflexively at memories you’d rather forget, and Jungkook misinterprets the look. “Oh, sorry, no distractions. I’ll be quiet.”

“No, no,” you shake your head. “It’s not you. My weekend was fine. What about yours?”

He laughs, looking a little embarrassed. “I mean, honestly? I’m super addicted to this new mobile game that just came out. I feel like I blinked and lost two days.” He’s already reaching for his cellphone. “Want to see?” You roll your chair across to his side of the room as Jungkook leans over to show you the little island world he’s nearly 500 levels into. After a few minutes, he seems to remember himself.

“Shit, you specifically said you came here to focus. I’m sorry, I really will leave you alone now.”

You bite down on your bottom lip. “No, it’s okay, JK. I— honestly, I wasn’t being entirely truthful when I said that. I don’t mind the distraction at all, actually. It’s kind of complicated, but… it would be nice if I could hide out here for the foreseeable future.”

He looks at you, clearly surprised. “Of course. Whatever you need. Is everything okay?”

You wince a little, with no idea how to answer that question.

His voice drops. “Is it Suga?”

“It’s complicated.” You repeat with a sigh.

An unfamiliar emotion flashes in Jungkook’s eyes. You’ve never seen him angry before, but you’d guess this is what it looks like. “Hey, seriously, if he’s being aggressive with you, we should do something about it. Report it or something.”

You have to suppress the urge to laugh in his face. Like Yoongi being aggressive with you isn’t exactly what you’ve been fantasizing about for days.

“No, it’s not like that,” you reassure him. “I think we’re just two people who are better off kept apart from each other. That’s all.”

Jungkook nods slowly, and it’s clear from his expression that he wants to pry more, but is forcing himself not to. “Okay.”

There’s a heaviness of unasked and unanswered questions in the air, but the two of you manage to lapse into corporate smalltalk as you roll back over to your desk and dive into your workday.

Jungkook eventually has to peel off for a few virtual meetings, and watching him work is its own source of entertainment. If it’s a meeting that requires his focus, you can tell because he leans in close to his monitor, staring at spreadsheets or data visualizations with a look on his face like he’s using every single brain cell he owns. 

You can also tell when he’s put on calls where he clearly isn’t needed, because he’ll spin in a full circle at his desk with a glazed over look in his eye. There are even a few times where you glance up to see him silently doing what you vaguely recognize as TikTok dances, and you have to clap a hand over your mouth to keep from outright laughing.

The day rolls on, and you’re neck deep in drafting a communication when Jungkook’s voice breaks your concentration. “Do you like ramyeon?”

Your head snaps up to see him lean down under his desk to grab his backpack. He unzips it to retrieve two containers of instant noodles, and when he offers one to you, you give an approving nod. “I usually bring two in case I get extra hungry. I’ll make it, come meet me in the break room when you finish what you’re doing.”

You genuinely believe him on the first day, but when he just so happens to bring a second lunch on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, you start to get a little suspicious.

Friday has you stuck on a working session straight through your usual lunch hour, and Jungkook disappears without a word, returning as you’re pulling your headset off with two to-go salads in a plastic bag.

“I ordered one, and they gave me two. Crazy, right?”

You quirk an eyebrow at him to signal that you don’t believe a damn word, but you still thank him as you follow him down the hall to the break room.

“You’re coming out tonight, right?” He asks over lunch, and it takes you a second to remember the planned happy hour your boss has scheduled for the office. You’re torn between never wanting to see the inside of a bar again, and the overwhelming desire to drink as much as you can on the company’s dime. Ideally enough to obliterate the brain cells that store your memories of last weekend.

In the end, your cheapness wins out. Plus, given that it’s a social work event, you’d bet your entire salary that Yoongi will be nowhere to be found. You figure it might actually prove to be a good distraction. “Sure, yeah. At least for a couple drinks.”

“Cool,” Jungkook smiles a little as he spears a piece of chicken on his plastic fork. “Let me know when you’re done for the day, we can head over together.”

As much as you’d like to blow off early, a phone call that was supposed to take fifteen minutes ends up lasting over an hour. You mute your headset briefly to give a loud sigh, and shoot Jungkook a silent pout in apology when he meets your gaze, but he just flips his phone around to show you the progress he’s making on his island. At least he’s good at keeping himself entertained, you think with a smile.

Finally the person leading the call seems to come to the extremely delayed realization that no one is going to make any more progress on the issue after 5 PM on a Friday, and things wrap up pretty quickly after that. You and Jungkook gather your things and head for the front, and the office is a ghost town.

Your eyes drift down the opposite hallway towards the Genius Lab, your pulse quickening a little. You’ve checked the lab every evening this week and have luckily only found it empty, but you’re nearly an hour ahead of schedule today. And you don’t exactly have a great track record with Yoongi when it comes to Fridays.

“I should probably…”

“I can do it,” Jungkook cuts in softly. You’re hit with the automatic urge to say no, to shield him from this chaos in any way you can. But it would be really nice to not have to deal with Yoongi for one fucking day.

“I would appreciate that,” you reply, and Jungkook is already striding down the hall. You pretend to busy yourself on your phone as you hear a knock, then the electronic beeps of him punching the code into the door lock. When you glance up, you see him push the door open and stick his head inside, then promptly close it again.

“He’s gone. Let’s get out of here.”

The bar your boss has chosen is only a few blocks away from the office, and Jungkook holds the door open for you to enter first when you arrive. You don’t see your group right when you first walk in, and you have to round a bend in the layout of the building before you spot the long table of familiar faces.

You move to take a step forward, but Jungkook nearly imperceptibly brings a hand to your elbow to stop you. He says nothing, which is unlike him, and you start to ask a question.

“Wh—” the words die in your mouth when you see Yoongi smiling politely into a glass of whiskey, seated at the table next to your boss. His gaze flickers up to meet yours. Your stomach twists as you watch the smile immediately drop off his face. 

“We can go,” Jungkook says quickly, but you know you can’t give him the satisfaction.

“It’s fine,” you say, and it comes out a little more harsh than you mean it to. “We don’t have to sit near him.” Jungkook follows your lead to the opposite end of the table. When you take your seats, he almost immediately gets sucked into a conversation with some of the audio engineers. You do your best to at least act like you’re following along, but it feels like the room is spinning despite the fact that you’re entirely sober.

That absolutely needs to change, you quickly determine. You’re sitting at the corner of the table, so it’s easy enough to slip out and get to your feet. Jungkook glances up when you do.

“I’ll be right back,” you say, and your tone must be direct enough that he doesn’t ask any follow-up questions or offer his company. Which is fine, you think to yourself as you cross the room. You’re perfectly capable of walking to the bar and ordering a drink on your own.

At least it feels that way until you sweep your gaze across the room, waiting on a bartender to acknowledge your presence, and realize Yoongi is headed straight towards you, empty glass in hand.

Fuck fuck fuck.

You set your jaw, determined not to let him smell your fear, and renew your conviction to flag someone down and get a drink as fast as possible. When Yoongi takes a seat at the barstool next to you, you will your face not to react. But you’re not quite fast enough to remember to tell your mouth to stay shut, too.

“What are you doing here?” You snap, refusing to look him in the eye.

“I wanted to talk to you,” he says, voice even, and you blink hard. You don’t know what you were expecting, but it wasn’t that. “I figured an event with free alcohol was a good place to start. Let’s hope no one wore their good shoes tonight.”

Setting your jaw has turned into fully gritting your teeth, and you’ve never been more grateful to see a bartender when one approaches. You order quickly, and see Yoongi silently lift his empty glass as a request in your periphery.

“What do you want, Yoongi?”

When he hums and doesn’t respond right away, you glance over to see him running a finger around the rim of his finished drink. Just his fucking hand is enough to send a shiver up your spine, and you tear your gaze away.

“Well, for one, I honestly have to say I was surprised when HR didn’t personally escort me out of the building Monday morning.”

Your head snaps up to look at him again as you parse out his meaning. “Really?”

Yoongi’s gaze meets yours, his brows slightly pinching together as if he’s surprised that you’re surprised. “Uh, yeah.”

You’re so shocked it takes you a minute to form words. “I— I mean, it’s not like it was unprovoked.”

He makes a face as if he’s considering it, shrugging a little. “I suppose.”

As you drop your gaze to the wood grain of the bar, you can’t help but wonder if that was meant to be an apology. You barely have time to process that thought before the bartender returns, setting your drinks down, and you reach for yours like a woman dehydrated. When you take a sip, it’s strong— exactly what you need in this moment.

You’re already halfway off the barstool, very ready to get back to your seat at the table, when Yoongi speaks up again.

“Do you want to hear a funny story?” Something in his tone makes you pause, and he keeps going.

“I heard from an old friend a few days ago. We used to be really close, but lately I don’t think we’ve talked in…” He shakes his head in disbelief, like he’s trying to think. “God, probably years. I’ve been so focused on work. You know how I get.”

You physically recoil at his strange candor, how comfortable he suddenly is with implying that you know him. Your stomach is already starting to turn, though you can’t put a finger on why. It just feels like he’s playing with you.

Yoongi rolls his glass between his palms as he continues. “So you know, we catch up, ask how life is going, all the usual shit. And then my friend— Kihyun, that’s his name— Kih starts telling me about this crazy hookup he had last weekend.”

You nearly drop your drink as your blood runs cold. Yoongi continues the charade, pretending like he’s telling you something you don’t already know first-hand.

“He said he got approached by this super hot girl out of nowhere, and that she was fucking desperate for it. Barely said two words to him before she was asking him to take her home. And once he did, he said the sex was wild. I mean, it definitely sounded great to me when he gave me the play-by-play.” He pauses for a moment, and when he speaks again, there’s a new tone to his voice, almost aggressive. “Straight out of one of my own fantasies, really.”

You take a nervous gulp of your drink in hopes that it might help cool down your burning face— whether it’s from shame or rage, you can’t tell.

“And get this.” Yoongi’s voice is grave now, all pretense of telling a funny story gone as he turns to fully face you. “You’re never gonna believe whose name she cried out when she came. Because it sure wasn’t Kih’s.”

The shock of his words, at the fact that he knows this, is enough to freeze you where you stand. You’re nearly shaking with the chaotic storm of emotions swirling in your brain, and it takes every ounce of willpower you can muster to keep your voice steady as you fix him in your gaze. “I don’t see that it’s any of your business who or how I fuck, Yoongi.”

“Oh, I think it’s absolutely my business when you’re calling them my fucking name. And I don’t understand why you’d settle for imitation when you could have the real thing.” Despite how livid you are, you don’t miss the way your pussy flutters at the smug look on his face.

“Maybe it’s because your friend doesn’t come with all the strings attached that you do.”

“Strings?” He quirks an eyebrow. “I wasn’t planning on dating you, sweetheart.”

You can’t believe how dense he is, and you slam your drink down on the bar. “No, Yoongi, but you’re my fucking coworker. Have you ever heard the phrase, ‘don’t shit where you eat’?” He chuckles dryly into the rim of his glass. “It’s a bad fucking idea.”

He examines you as he takes a sip of whiskey, then finally speaks again. “Here’s the way I see it. We are both sane, consenting adults, very capable of being rational about this.” You scoff in disbelief at how calmly he can say such a thing as you take another long pull from your drink. “There’s obviously a lot of pent-up feelings going on. I’m not saying we have to be friends. Hell, we don’t even have to like each other. Sometimes it’s more fun when you don’t.”

Not expecting that commentary, you nearly choke on the ice in your glass. Yoongi gives you a moment to recover before continuing.

“It seems to me like we could establish something that would be mutually beneficial. Get some of that energy out. If anything, I think it might help both of us actually focus on our work, and that would in turn benefit everyone. It’d certainly be a lot better than the two of us running around like a couple of horny teenagers the way we have been lately. It’s not a purely selfish thing.”

You hate that his stupid logical argument makes sense to you. You hate it so much that you finish your drink in one swallow.

“Look, I’ll make it easy for you,” he says, eyes locked on you, his voice dropping into a lower register. The tone immediately takes you back to the last time you were in his lab. The things he said to you. The things he wanted to do to you. Heat pools in your belly before you can tell it not to.

“I’m going to head back to the group. You get yourself another drink, come join us, and take some time to think about it.”

He leans in to speak the next part directly into your ear, his voice quiet. Every nerve ending in your body lights up at the feeling of his breath against your neck. “Then I’m going to get up and go to the restroom. I’ll give you three minutes to discreetly excuse yourself and join me. If you don’t show, I’ll drop all of this and leave you alone. Promise.”

Yoongi pulls away, shooting you that trademark smirk, knowing full well that he doesn’t have to explain what will happen if you do decide to join him. He already has. Then he slips off the barstool, glass of whiskey in hand, and strides back towards the table.

When you order the next round, you ask for a double.

You do your best to act like the world isn’t ending as you return to your seat at the table. The conversation continues around you, without you; you can only stare dumbly at the empty space between two of your coworkers as you take a long swig of your drink. You’re vaguely aware of discussions of upcoming mixtapes and the Grammy’s, but your brain can’t process anything over the roaring in your ears, the pounding of your heartbeat in your gut— and a little lower.

You feel insane, enraged, and deliriously aroused.

You have no concept of how quickly time is passing, no clue if it’s been an instant or an hour when you see movement from the other end of the table out of the corner of your eye. There’s no self-control left in your system to keep your jaw from going slack, to keep you from unabashedly watching as Yoongi gets up from the table and strides confidently across the bar toward the restroom. He doesn’t so much as glance in your direction.

“Are you alright?”

You whip around at Jungkook’s voice, having completely forgotten there was anyone else in the room. It takes a second for you to snap your mouth shut, and then you realize you have to open it to answer his question.

“I— uh—” You can barely string a sentence together. “My drink is really strong.”

“Do you need some water?”

When you nod, he’s up in a flash, heading towards the bar, and you realize as you watch him disappear that it might have been a bad idea to let yourself be left alone. Because now you have no distraction from the way every cell in your body is screaming at you.

It’s obvious that there is a right choice and a wrong choice here. And you’ve tried so hard, for so long, to be smart. To deny the truth, to say no and go home, to channel the energy out in any other way. But none of it has worked. You still want this terrible man to do terrible things to you, maybe now more than ever. And you’re so fucking tired of making the right choice.

So tonight, you resolve with a final sip of your drink, you’ll make the wrong one. Fuck it.

You slip away from the table before Jungkook returns, following the same path Yoongi did towards the back of the bar. When you reach for the handle of the restroom door, your pulse is racing, enough that you nearly jump out of your skin when the door swings open before you can even touch it. You glance up to find yourself face-to-face with an equally shocked looking Yoongi.

“Your three minutes are up,” he says dryly. Rather than bother with a response, you bring your hand to his chest and firmly shove him back inside the single stall room. You hear him laugh a little as you follow after, pulling the knob and turning the lock into place behind you.

When he takes a step toward you, there’s nowhere for you to go except flush against the door. You watch his eyes drop down your body and back up, taking his time, shameless. His gaze lingers on your mouth.

“Didn’t think you’d really do it,” he murmurs, eyes glinting.

“Call it a lapse in judgment.”

There’s something about the situation that makes you feel like Yoongi has the upper hand— like he expects every part of this to go according to his plan. That, you decide, simply will not do. And then you drop to your knees in front of him.

“Oh my god,” Yoongi breathes, taking a small step back to give you room. “You’re a whore.”

You do your best to shoot a death glare up at him. “I don’t have to do this.”

He smirks. “I meant it as a compliment, honestly. Respectfully.”

That’s it. You’re determined to suck that smug fucking look off his face. “Hands to yourself,” you say firmly. “If you touch me, this all ends.”

Yoongi’s eyes widen, as if he wasn’t expecting you to be giving any orders. But then he nods, raising both hands in the air as if to indicate compliance. You lower your gaze and realize he’s already straining against the fabric of his joggers, which do nothing to hide how hard he is, the thin material clinging to every inch.

In one swift motion, you tug both his pants and boxers down his hips, and you have to actively suppress a soft sigh of appreciation. Yoongi’s ego doesn’t need any more feeding, but damn, his dick is even better up close: long, pale, and pretty.

Glancing back up at him, you maintain eye contact as you lean forward to teasingly trace your tongue along one of the prominent veins that runs the length of his shaft. His eyes are dark with lust as he watches you. Despite being on your knees, a thrill of sheer power runs through you when you see him swallow hard, his Adam’s apple jerking in his throat.

It occurs to you that you are extremely ready to torture this man.

When you reach the tip, you just barely slide your lips over it in an open-mouthed kiss to the head of his cock, your tongue swirling in sloppy circles. You can hear Yoongi breathing now, clearly trying and failing to suppress his shaky exhales at your work.

Tilting your head to find the right angle, you take more of him into your mouth, then bring a hand to his shaft to guide the head of his dick to one side. You don’t miss the quiet groan you elicit from him as you let him press against the soft wall of your cheek to create a bulge. He makes the same sound again, louder, when you rub your tongue firmly along the underside of his shaft while you do it.

His hips jerk under your touch as you start to move the hand wrapped around him in slow, deliberate strokes. You recenter him in your mouth and bob your head along his length in time, now sucking firmly. Yoongi’s breath catches on a moan as you keep your tongue pressed tight to his shaft and match the movement of your head to the deliciously slow pace of your hand.

The sound only encourages you, and you lean forward to take even more of him until his cock briefly brushes against the back of your throat. You hold him there for a second, then swallow.

“Fuck,” Yoongi hisses. You can feel him twitch a little in your mouth, taste it as he leaks precum onto your tongue. You tip back for a few more shallow thrusts, just tormenting him, then repeat the action, humming this time as he hits your throat. His knees nearly buckle.

You glance up at Yoongi as you pull back again, lashes fluttering, and you have to keep yourself from laughing around his cock at the look of pure distress on his face. Now that you’re watching him, you realize his hands are flexing desperately at his sides— it’s clearly taking everything in his power to follow your no touching policy.

Good, you think, and then you lean forward to swallow him down and keep him there, taking as much as you can until your nose is nearly flush with his pelvis. You bob your head, guiding him up and down your throat, choking slightly but too determined to stop even as your eyes start to water.

“Oh my god,” you hear him groan, and your eyebrows raise at the sound of a loud smack. When you look up, still working him in your throat, you realize that he’s helplessly banged a fist on the bathroom door and is now bracing himself against it. You watch as he rakes his other hand through his hair, his head tipping back with a gasp as you increase your pace in response. His hips shudder as he starts to buck softly into your mouth. “Y-yeah, keep doing that, oh fuck, fuck—”

At what feels like the last possible second, you pull off his cock with a soft, wet pop, swallowing down the precum in your mouth. You wipe at the corners of your lips before getting to your feet, legs shaking a little more than you’d like from how long you’ve been on your knees. As you meet his gaze, now at eye-level, it seems you’ve certainly achieved your mission: Yoongi’s usual smug appearance has been replaced with a look of frustrated desperation, courtesy of one denied orgasm.

“Why should I let you get off that easy?” You ask simply, and he makes a noise low in his throat, something between a groan and a laugh.

“Fuck, you are such a bitch.” He advances towards you, and you find yourself backing up, this time until your ass is pressed against the countertop of the bathroom sink. He’s staring at your mouth again, looking at it with what seems to be a little more reverence now that he knows what it’s capable of.

“Am I allowed to touch you yet?” His voice is so low, his mouth so close to yours, that it makes your core ache. The noises you sucked out of him have unfortunately only turned you on even more. “Or are you going to make me beg?”

As much as you’d love to see that, the desperate throb that’s been steadily building between your legs has now overtaken your desire to tease. “Yes, Yoongi, you can touch me.”

The words have barely left your mouth and his hands are already on your hips, firmly spinning you around. You have to clutch the edge of the countertop just to stay upright, but you only feel yourself getting that much wetter at the rough way he handles you. You shiver as he shoves the hem of your dress up to expose your ass, and you can’t help yourself, leaning forward to give him the best possible angle, too desperate for anything less.

“Fuck,” Yoongi breathes, and you’d swear he almost sounds appreciative.

You don’t even have time to process that thought before his hand cracks down over your ass, so hard that it nearly knocks all the breath out of your lungs. You inhale a shaky gasp, your mind reeling in its attempt to catch up, but Yoongi is already pulling your panties to the side, perfect fingers sliding between your folds. There’s no hiding how drenched you are; your upper thighs are starting to stick together with arousal.

Without warning, he presses two fingers firmly into you, and it’s enough to make your jaw go slack. You outright moan when they find purchase against your g-spot, rubbing in tight, expert circles. He could make you come right now if he wanted to.

“You’re so wet for me,” Yoongi’s voice is low and smug, and you don’t need to see his expression to know that cocky smirk has returned to his face. “Been ready for it all night, huh?” You whimper a noise that isn’t disagreement.

“Good,” he says firmly, pairing the word with another smack to your ass. You’re too far gone to try and hold it back now, not with the way his fingers are working inside you, and you moan again. “Because we can’t take too long,” Yoongi continues. “Don’t want anyone getting suspicious. Which is really a damn shame, because there’s so much I want to do to you.”

When he smacks your ass one more time, even harder, and couples it with an insistent press of his fingers against your front wall, you have to grip the edge of the sink for dear life. Your cunt squeezes around him; the noise you make is practically a sob.

He huffs a laugh as he withdraws his fingers, and you glance up to see him retrieving a condom from his pocket and tearing it open. “Wrecked already? And I haven’t even fucked you yet.”

You try to compose yourself, but just watching the way his hands work as he rolls the condom over his leaking cock has you aching, clenching around nothing. You really are fucking wrecked— nothing has ever come close to this.

Yoongi’s hands come to your hips, pads of his fingers digging into your skin, and you feel the head of his cock against your entrance, sliding lazily through your folds but purposefully not pressing into you.

“Yoongi,” you whine. You’re too far gone for this teasing.

“You have to tell me what you want,” he says, his voice dark.

You can barely even think a sentence, and you try to push back on him instead, but he keeps you held firmly in place, hands squeezing into the flesh of your hips. “Tell me,” he insists.

“I want you to fuck me,” you manage, and you look up to meet his gaze in the bathroom mirror.

He licks his lips, and you realize that he’s having just as hard a time restraining himself. “That much is obvious,” he says, and you can hear the unsteadiness in his voice now. “How would you like to get fucked?”

You’ve had enough alcohol to brazenly tell the truth. “Like you hate me.”

It may be the first genuine smile of his you’ve ever seen.

“Gladly,” he replies, and then he thrusts all of himself into you at once. You collapse forward on the countertop, crying out at the feeling.

“Yeah,” Yoongi grunts, a little breathless. “You like that?” He pulls nearly all the way out and slams into you one more time, pressing his hips flush with your ass until you feel overwhelmingly full. Then he starts to properly thrust, moving at a pace that can only be described as ruthless.

“Oh, fuck,” you gasp, your head dropping down as you scramble to brace yourself against the counter. You practically yelp when his hand cracks over your ass again.

He leans forward; you can feel his chest graze over your back, his hips still snapping into you as he grabs your jaw with one hand and forces your gaze up to look at him in the mirror again. You watch as he runs two fingers along your bottom lip in an unasked question. You let your jaw go slack to allow him to slip into your mouth.

When your lips close around his fingers, you find yourself a little grateful to have something to keep you grounded to reality. Your eyes flit up to Yoongi’s face, and his gaze is piercing, eyes totally fixed on you.

“You look so good like this.” His voice is hoarse, strained from effort, and he continues to drive into you, never slowing. Your own hip bones dig into the bathroom counter, shocks of pleasure-pain rippling through you with each thrust. Little moans and whimpers spill out from your mouth around his fingers at the sensation, and you can feel your climax starting to build.

Yoongi withdraws from your mouth, that same hand moving down your body to slip into your panties and circle your clit, earning a gasp from you. His other hand keeps a death grip on your hip as he thrusts, and he straightens up again, the head of his cock now rubbing so perfectly over your g-spot that you hiss.

“Did Kihyun fuck you like this?”

The question catches you off-guard. “N-no,” you gasp, and the hot coil of your arousal tightens in your core. Yoongi’s cock stroking into you, his hand working your clit, the feeling is overwhelming, dizzying. “Oh, god.” Your head presses into your forearm as you give yourself over to the pleasure. You can only distantly hear Yoongi’s voice continue, somewhere between coaxing and demanding.

“I didn’t fucking think so. So why don’t you say it? Tell me who fucks you right. Tell me who you fucking hate.”

The fingers on your clit are unrelenting now, and your edge approaches fast and hard.

“Y-Yoongi,” you breathe, and it feels too good to say his name and mean it. “Yoongi, fuck, Yoongi.” A loud moan rips through you as your legs start to shake. “Oh fuck,” you gasp, “I’m coming, fuck, yes—” You nearly sob as your climax hits you hard, and your walls flutter around Yoongi’s cock over and over in what feels like an endless orgasm.

The pleasure rolls through you, and you look up in the mirror to see Yoongi grit his teeth as he picks up the pace of his hips. A look of desperation paints his face, not unlike the way he looked when you were blowing him, and you know he must be close.

“God fucking damnit,” he grunts, each word punctuated with a thrust, and then he tips his head back and pushes all the way into you with a moan as he comes.

For a moment he pauses like that, gazing up at the ceiling, chest heaving with effort as his dick twitches inside of you. “Holy shit,” he breathes, and then he starts to laugh softly in what appears to be disbelief. “Fuuuuck.”

You haven’t fully recovered, so you can only watch, still gripping the countertop for dear life, as he slips the condom off, chucks it into the trash can, and pulls his boxers and pants up. He gives his reflection a once-over in the mirror, running a hand through his hair, and you’re amazed at how quickly he’s put himself back together. The only indication that he was literally just railing you is the way he’s breathing heavily.

Yoongi notices you watching him and gives your ass one more firm slap, hard enough that you flinch a little.

“Wait a minute or two before you head out,” he instructs, and you nod dumbly. He crosses the room, opens the door, and slips out, all before you can even so much as think a coherent thought.

It takes several more minutes for you to get your shit together, but you eventually manage to readjust your underwear and smooth your dress down, though your legs are certainly still unsteady when you make your way back to the table. You can’t help but shoot a glance over at Yoongi as you pass, and you’re shocked to see him laughing and chatting it up with the group of coworkers seated around him. You see clear expressions of surprise on their faces, too— because he’s never like this. Except, apparently, mere minutes after fucking you.

You don’t even bother to sit down, instead grabbing your purse off the table and slinging the straps over your shoulder.

“Wow, there you are,” Jungkook’s voice drags you out of your thoughts, and the look of concern on his face just makes your stomach turn. You genuinely have no idea how long you were gone for. “Are you okay? Your face looks flushed.”

You don’t know how to answer his question, so you don't. “I think I’m gonna go home.”

“Do you need a ride?”

You shake your head quickly. “I’ll call a friend.”

Perched on the curb outside, you clutch your phone for dear life as you pull up Jimin’s contact to call him. The line rings and you realize you’re shivering; you don’t think it has anything to do with the weather.

You don’t even give him a chance to say hello when the call connects. “Can you come get me?”

He groans on the other end of the line. “Why? I already took my pants off for the night.”

“Baby mochi, please.” You whine, but you know only the full explanation will get him out of bed. You drop your voice a little. “I just hatefucked Suga in the bathroom at the company happy hour. I need you to come pick me up immediately.”

Jimin’s apartment is a ten minute drive away, but you swear he makes it in five.

“Well, well, well,” Your best friend’s voice is smug as you slide into his passenger seat. “If it isn’t the company whore.”

“Shut the fuck up, Jimin.”

~*~

Come Monday morning, you’re racing down the hallway to the conference room, quietly cursing yourself for being late. You’d seen the email from your boss moving the usual Tuesday pull-up to first-thing Monday, but then you’d gotten so tied up with other projects you’d forgotten about it entirely. It was only once you were in the break room, trying to get your caffeine fix in, that you’d glanced up at the wall clock and realized it was already ten after.

Focused as you are on getting to the meeting quickly— and just as importantly, not spilling any of your coffee— you’re completely unaware of your surroundings until it’s too late. You nearly smack directly into Yoongi as you approach the conference room simultaneously.

He smirks as you jump back in surprise. “We have got to stop meeting like this.”

It’s the first time you’ve seen him since Friday; you’ve been hiding out in Baby Star Candy’s corner all morning. “We’re late,” you say, flustered enough to state the obvious, and he shrugs like he can’t disagree.

“I got distracted.”

Yoongi must notice the way your eyes start to widen. “With work,” he clarifies quickly. He reaches around you to place a hand on the conference room door, and you hear his voice low in your ear. “Amazing how much easier it is to focus today, huh?”

Straightening up to put some space between you, he pushes the door open and gestures for you to go first. You swallow hard and try to keep your composure as you enter the room, briefly apologizing for being late. Yoongi follows behind you silently, slumping into the open seat across the table. You take a sip of your coffee to settle your nerves, which turns out to be a horrible idea when your boss speaks.

“There they are, perfect timing. You’re the very two people my next announcement concerns.”

You just barely manage to keep your drink in your mouth. When your gaze flits to Yoongi across from you, he looks similarly shell-shocked. You can’t help but wonder if you’re about to get fired in front of the entire team.

“We’ve managed to secure funding for the Grammy’s at the end of the month,” your boss says brightly. “We’ll be flying Suga out to do a press circuit as well as attend the award show and surrounding events in-person. We think it will be a great opportunity to network with American artists, try to get his name out there and work on our international appeal.”

“And of course,” your boss’ gaze lands on you, “we all know that our Suga isn’t the most extroverted, or good with schedules, for that matter. We figured he needs a wrangler, and who better than our very own admin?”

You swear your heart stops beating. Your boss keeps going, reminding the team to connect with you about temporarily taking back any deliverables you’ve been handling while you’ll be out of pocket for Grammy’s weekend and subsequent travel time, but you barely process a word. This can’t be happening.

An entire weekend of forced professionalism, in Los Angeles, with the man you just hatefucked in a bathroom. What could possibly go wrong?

chapter four | masterlist | chapter six

[iguessweallcrazyithinktho]

𝐏𝐎𝐈𝐒𝐎𝐍 • 𝐉𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐋𝐎𝐖

SUMMARY: jack always had a thing for you ever since he met you through a friend . He craved being around you and having your attention. It's gotten to the point where you were all he ever thought about. He knew he had to get you.

GENRE: fluff, SMUT

WARNING: oral(Both ways), Unprotected sex, dirty talk I guess,

PAIRING: jack Harlow x black reader

AUTHOR NOTE: this for the black girls<3

WORD COUNT: this a good 2K or 3k IDK. I wrote it on my phone so

JACK HARLOW MASTERLIST

©writing by Iguessweallcrazyithinktho do not steal or repost any of my content anywhere without my consent

Enjoy

🌸☁️💗🧚✨💅🏾🌺🌷🌠🍓🍭🎠🌼☄️

Jack just couldn't stop thinking about you. You were on his mind 24/7. You were like an addiction to him, he never stopped thinking about you. It drove him insane, but in a good way.

Jack met you a few months ago through druski. You were sitting in the back of a party when druski introduced you two.

"jack this is my friend y/n. Y/n this is my friend jack."

Jack took you in. Man You were fucking gorgeous. You had on a black dress; your curves were showing and filling the dress well, Your hair was braided into a few box Braids that fell over your shoulder, And Your face was clear from any makeup because you decide to go natural today.

Jack was taken aback by how beautiful you were. He's never seen a woman as pretty as you. It took him a bit to regain himself.

Jack stuck out his hand "hey, I'm jack."

You laughed, shaking his. "Yeah I heard."

"alright, I'm going to go get some drinks y'all keep chatting." You watched as druski walked away. When he was out of sight you turned to Jack. "So... You rap?"

You and Jack talked for the next three hours in the bar. you both felt so comfortable around each other even though you had just met. Jack was warm and inviting which was very different from any of the other guys you had spoke To. You would be uncomfortable, but not with Jack.

Jack on the other hand seemed to never get bored of hearing you talk. The whole time you talked he would listen with a smirk on his lips, his eyes would be on you giving you his full attention. It was driving you crazy and by the way he kept doing it he knew.

By 11pm you were getting tired. You had been sitting and talking with jack the whole time, you didn't notice the time passing bye.

"ah it's getting late. I should get home." You stood up from your chair and grabbed your phone and your bag. Jack quickly got up from his chair. "You got a ride home." He asked you suddenly.

"uh no. Druski was my ride home, but he's drunk as you can see." Jack looked to where You pointed he. saw druski who was currently making a fool out of himself on the dance floor.

"you want me to drive you home? Only if you're comfortable you know." Jack tucked his hand in his pocket. He was hoping you would say yes. He just wanted to spend a little more time with you.

"um.. yeah sure. Thank you." You smiled at jack making his stomach flip.

You both walked out of the club to Jack's car. He opened the door for you letting you get in. You thanked him, you loved seeing him be a gentleman even though he didn't have to.

You gave jack the directions to your place. The whole way over you and Jack sat in silence, but a comfortable one. You stared out the window the whole way over giving jack an opportunity to steal a few glances at you. He just couldn't get over how amazing you were. You were his dream girl and he didn't even notice it yet.

"ok, we're here." Jack parked His car right in front of your apartment building. "Thank you for the ride. I truly appreciate it."

"no problem." Jack said smiling at you. You chuckled a bit as you gathered your things and got out. Before you closed the door you leaned down and looked down at jack.

"I had a good time with you tonight."

Jack laughed, he started to blush at your words. "I did too."

You smiled at him once more before you shut the door and walked away.

That was the last time jack ever saw you. Three months ago since he's seen you and you were still on his mind. No matter how much he tried you never disappeared from his thoughts.

As much as jack wanted to call you he didn't have your number or anything. He cursed himself for not getting it that night when he had the chance to. He hoped he saw you again, he knew he wouldn't let you slip through his fingers that easily again.

You Had such an influence on him he couldn't help but make a song about you. You were poison(the good kind) and Jack wasn't ashamed to admit it.

-

It was the night of the album release party. Jack was excited about this, he was finally able to share the album he spent long hours into.

The party was loud with all the people in it and the music playing. Jack was enjoying himself talking to druski and Urban about some random stuff. It went on up until druski put pause on the conversation.

"yo is that my girl y/n?"

Jack head turned quickly when he heard your name. His heart skipped a couple of beats when he saw you. It seemed like you just had walked in.

He was taken aback by you again, just like the first time. you still looked the same as you did three months ago except your clothes and hair was different. Your hair was natural showing off it's amazing volume. And instead of a black dress you had on a red silk one.

"hey y/n, over here." Druski called out to you.

You smiled once you laid eyes on them. you began to walk over to them with a smile plastered on your face. with each step Jack's heart thumped against his chest. It was finally happening, he was seeing you again.

"hi guys!" You gave druski a hug along with Urban before you turned to Jack. "Hi Jack." You said giddy as you pulled him into a hug.

Jack couldn't help the smile that formed on his face as he hugged you. He wanted to hug you forever, he feared you'll disappear again.

"hey s-so how you been?" Jack asked stumbling over his words as he pulled away. "I've been good."

Jack was ready to respond but his security guard stopped him. "Jack, you gotta be on stage bro."

Jack sighed as he turned back to you. "I gotta go. We gonna talk later though." Jack pointed at you as he walked away making you snicker. "I promise."

You smiled as you watched him walk on stage. It was great to see him again. It felt like too long, you would be lying if you said you didn't miss him. There was literally no guys like him.

The party went on. Jack preformed a bit and talked to a couple of people. As much as he liked doing that he wanted to see you. He craved you right now.

When jack finished talking to all the people he needed to he went on the hunt to find you. His heart pounded against his chest as he searched for you. He hoped you didn't leave. He wouldn't know what to do with himself if you did."

Jack searched the balcony, some hallways, the bar anywhere he possibly could, but there was no sign of you. He was ready to give up until he spotted you standing in the back corner looking out at everyone.

He sighed, getting rid of the panic that was about to take over his body, then walked over to you.

"hey I been looking for you."

jack walked over to you smirking. "Oh you have?" Jack nodded.

"so we're going to talk?"

"yeah, after this ends you know. I wanna make sure there's no interruptions you know."

You nodded, "well I'll be here waiting. I'm not going anywhere."

-

The night soon ended and Jack got enough time with you. He decided to bring you to his hotel room that way you both had no chances of being caught together.

Jack opened his hotel room door letting you walk in first. "Wow this is big." you mumbled as you took in the room the consisted of a king size bed, a sitting area and a huge bathroom. Jack chuckled as he shut the door. "Yeah, I'm rich you know."

You rolled your eyes at him but laughed right after.

"sit down." Jack motioned to the couch. You both took a seat. "Let's talk. It's been a while since I seen you. How you been? Got anything going on?"

Jack looked at you with his pretty Blue eyes making your face heat up. You quickly looked away from him.

"well I've been good. I finished school and I got a job as a nail tech which I love."

Jack oohed making you laugh. "You know how I love nail tech." Jack blurted out.

"yeah. You have a song on it. Speaking of music congratulations on the album. It's amazing. I know people are saying it sucks, but I genuinely think it's amazing."

Jack grinned as he looked at you. He let out a little thank you before leaning back on the couch. You took notice of his legs that were spread wide open. You knew he did that a ton but seeing it in person really made you squirm.

"so how have things been for you?" You asked. "I know you've had a long few months."

Jack nodded, "yeah it has. I've been traveling a lot, performing a lot and shit, I haven't had tons of to relax, but you being here with you really takes the stress away."

"well I'm glad." You leaned up against the back of the couch and looked at him.

"crazy how we have nothing to talk about now, but the first time we met we had a ton." Jack said.

"I think we might have talked enough. You leaned scooted closer to jack and cuddled into his side. He was shocked by the action, but wrapped his arm around you. You looked up at him with a smile.

jack couldn't hold himself back anymore. His lips landed on yours. He was expecting you to pull away, but luckily you didn't.

Jack keep the kiss up. Your mouths explored each others.

It didn't take long for you to start straddling jack. Your kiss never broke even when jack picked you up and even when he laid you on the bed.

You wrapped your arms around his neck pulling him deeper into the kiss. You could feel Jack's hand trailing down your body. As he grew closer to your cunt you whimpered.

Jack pulled away from your lips. "Let's get this off." Jack motioned to the dress. You let him pull it off of you; you were left in nothing but a pair of black panties.

You started to grow shy by the lack of clothing on your body, but jack wanted none of that.

"don't be shy. You're fucking beautiful. And I'm going to fucking show you." Jack leaned down and kissed down your chest and your stomach. His hand looped under the band of your panties slowly before he pulled them down. The whole time his eyes never left you. It sent shivers down you spine at how he looked at you.

He got in between your thighs and kissed up them. You bite the bottom of your lips as you watched him tease you. He knew you were yearning for him. He fucking loved it.

"jack, please."

"please what?" He asked as he looked up at you. "Please eat me out." You breathed out. You cringed at your words, but your mind was soon cleared when you felt Jacks tongue on your pussy. He licked up your fold tasting you.

Your hands flew to his curls, you pushed him in needing more to which jack replied with a grunt.

"fuck, your tongue feels so good jack." You groaned as your back arched off the bed. Jack looked up at you through hooded eyes. You looked so hot in this position. He wasn't going to lie, he's been dreaming of this moment and now that he's experiencing it he never wanted it to end.

You released a few moans as jack continued eating you out. He was so good at it it didn't take long before you were close to your high.

"jack, I'm going to cum." You slurred out. Jack pulled away briefly to tell you to. "Cum for me pretty girl."

The nickname was enough to leave you a moaning mess. From all your squirming jack had to hold you down. He couldn't help but smirk, with his tongue he did that to you. Just imagine his dick.

Jack got up from in between your legs. Insanely he went to kiss you. You could taste yourself on his lips which made you smile.

"how long have you wanted to do that?" You asked him. "Fuck For too long."

You laugh as you sat up. "Well now it's my turn. Lay down." Jack smirked at your demand and laid down.

He got rid of all his clothes leaving him in nothing. You took his dick in your hand and stroked it a couple of times as you looked up at him. Jack moaned a bit, but not enough for you.

You leaned down and took your time licking him slowly from his balls to the tip. You looked and watched his mouth fall open at the feeling. Jack twitched at the slowness, it was too much to handle.

Once your tongue reached the top you swirled it around the tip collecting pre cum before you took him fully in your mouth. Jack hands gently fell to your hair (he was being sure not to mess it up), he slightly pushed your head down on him. You gagged at him hitting the back of your throat. He was long, you knew you wouldn't be able to take all of him.

Your hand took the place of what your mouth could. You stroked and sucked him making Jack twitch in your mouth. You noticed very soon that you weren't hearing much noise from jack other than a few grunts here and there. You pulled away and looked at him. "Are you holding in your moans?"

Jack nodded, his cheeks starting to get red. "Yeah, I get shy sometimes."

"don't be shy Jack, I wanna hear you. It's such a turn on."

You returned your mouth to his dick making jack hiss. He took your advice and began to moan. You grew wetter as you listened to him. He had such a pretty moan that it made you moan.

The feeling of your mouth and hand was just too much for jack. He came right down your throat with a loud moan. "FUCK!"

You swallowed every last drop as you pulled away from a panting jack.

"you good?" You asked jack as you crawled up to him. Without responding jack flipped you over so you were on your back.

He grabbed your legs and made sure he was in between them. He grabbed his dick and Ra it between your fold collecting your wetness. You moaned at the feeling but not as loudly ad you moaned when he pushed into you.

"so fucking tight, pretty girl. Such a good pussy." He mumbled as he went deeper and deeper into you.

Before he started he asked if you were doing ok. You nodded giving him the green light to go and which he did.

He thrusted into you. You both moaned at the feeling. Jack leaned down and kissed you as he keep fucking you. Just like earlier your tongues explored each others mouths. Your moans from him filling you up filled his mouth.

When jack pulled away he hissed and looked down in between you both. He watched as his dick disappeared into you. It made him twitch see how you swallowed him.

"such a warm tight pussy. Takes me so well. Fuck , you're going to make me cum." Jack moaned out as he buried his face into your neck.

His thrust grew faster. Your moans grew louder every time he slammed into you hitting your cervix and g spot. It didn't take long before you felt the burn in your lower stomach.

"jack I'm going to cum." You panted out.

"where do you want me to cum huh?" Jack looked up at you waiting for your answer. "On my stomach please."

Jack nodded and sat up. He thrust in you harder a few more times. You came after the third one. You moaned out loudly gripping the sheets beneath you.

Jack wasn't far behind you. He pulled out of you, he stroked himself a couple of times before he spilled his seed on your stomach.

You moaned and looked down at the mess on you. It was hot and enough to turn you on again.

Jack got up and grabbed a towel from the bathroom. He wiped the cum off of your stomach before throwing the towel somewhere in the room then climbing in the bed.

"so was that good?" Jack asked. You turned to him and nodded. "More than good."

"good." Jack stayed quiet for a minute before speaking again. "Can I take you out a date? A proper date."

You looked at jack, "hm... I think I can do that with you."

Jack smiled. "Shit, I'm excited." Jack wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into a kiss.

he finally got the girl he wanted. He couldn't be more happy

----<3----

Feedback bitches?

[crybaby-writings]

I posted 7,151 times in 2021

363 posts created (5%)

6788 posts reblogged (95%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 18.7 posts.

I added 757 tags in 2021

#♧— ash reblogs - 187 posts

#naruto - 149 posts

#naruto shippuden - 124 posts

#♤— ash tries - 84 posts

#attack on titan - 43 posts

#x reader - 40 posts

#●— now playing.queue - 39 posts

#akatsuki - 36 posts

#anime with ash - 28 posts

#asks - 27 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#we're already in a bad medical situation in a place we don't want to be- and not being comfortable in what we wear makes it so much worse

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

madara and hashirama are exactly what people mean when they say 'goth girlfriend and golden retriever boyfriend'

252 notes • Posted 2021-07-24 14:06:36 GMT

#4

i know terano south is built like a brick wall, and is supposed to be this big, bad, deity of destruction, but i just want to pat his head 😭

i just want to sit next to him, and listen to music or drink coffee or something. he's just so cute?? he just looks so soft and warm??

does anyone else get what i mean? i could care less that he's a gang member, or that he's almost 7 feet tall, or that his hand is probably bigger than my face- he just looks so approachable to me.

he's pleasant to look at, even when he's going fucking insane. im down bad, besties

256 notes • Posted 2021-08-07 04:01:06 GMT

#3

where everything in 'howls moving castle' is the same, except im howl and all of the capes that go with my outfits have 'bad bitch' embroidered on them in cursive

295 notes • Posted 2021-01-11 18:50:12 GMT

#2

are... are y'all seeing this shit?

how dare he

look at him, oh my gods

521 notes • Posted 2021-02-01 16:17:39 GMT

#1

Hello my darling dearest i would like to request a late night fic where the reader cant sleep so they go to Howl and cuddling and fluffy things ensue. Please and thank you. 💕💕 love you muchly 💕💕

𝖘𝖑𝖊𝖊𝖕 {𝖍𝖔𝖜𝖑 𝖕𝖊𝖓𝖉𝖗𝖆𝖌𝖔𝖓}

it was never truly quiet, not with calcifer grumbling to himself downstairs and the entire building creaking as it moved along. it had taken a while, but you have gotten used to the noises that could be heard all throughout the day and night.

tonight though, everything seemed too loud. the squeal of the walls and floorboards was too much. even in the dark of your room, it felt like sleep would never come. switching sleeping positions didn't help, and both sides of you pillow were now hot from hours of trying to get comfortable.

there was only one possible solution that you could even begin to think of- a last resort, if you will. slowly standing up, you made your way into the hallway and towards howl's room. as you neared the door, the decision of whether to knock or not raged in your mind.

it wasn't the first time this had happened, but going into howl's room was always nerve wracking. one false move, and something could be destroyed and could potentially cause howl to have a breakdown. it had always worried you, accidentally breaking something that wasn't replaceable.

slowly opening the door, navigating the maze of howl's things became the newest priority. passing around stacks of books, stepping over plants, ducking as to not hit your head on the many wonders hanging from his ceiling- it was hard to do in the day when light was flooding the room, but it was even harder in the dark.

finally reaching the bed, you reached out for howl's arm to shake him awake. he had always been a deep sleeper, but something about the weight of your hand oh his shoulder always seemed to wake him up.

slowly opening his eyes, howl sat up in bed. "what is it dear? is something wrong?" it was quite for what seemed like hours before you finally responded. "couldn't sleep.. could i stay with you?" half awake, and as enthusiastic as always, howl nodded his head.

pushing the blanket back on the empty side of the bed, you where pulled onto the bed- right next to the ever dramatic wizard. without saying a word, you where wrapped in howl's arms. he was warm, comforting.

"i heard you tossing and turning earlier, i didn't go to sleep until i thought you had went to sleep aswell. don't be afraid to ask for help, you're always welcome here." for a moment, only the soft sounds of breathing filled the air as you where pulled closer to howl's chest.

"i will always be here to comfort and protect you, my star." you could hear the smile in his voice, and could feel the way his tired eyes sparkled. "i know, howl.." once again, it was quite. it had started to rain, and before the cold could seep into the room the blanket was pulled over the both of you.

the sound of the storm outside had grown, and was making it nearly impossible for you to keep your eyes open. near your ear, howl whispered all sorts of things, from stories of his latest escapades to how much he loved you to how much you meant to him.

when howl noticed you had finally fallen asleep, he softly kissed your forehead and leaned back into the pillow the two of you were sharing. it finally felt quiet.

543 notes • Posted 2021-09-14 18:47:34 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[romanceismycallingcard]

Y'all wanna know what the last 24-36 hours of my life has been like? It's so bad it might as well be a kdrama premise.

Yesterday I was very tired and kinda depressed and major ADHD-kicking-in kinda day.

I did nothing all day and was just in a funk.

One of the girls from my favorite babysitting family texted me from their home phone and invited me to a food truck rally their family was going to for dinner, and I needed something to cheer me up, so I went. And it was fun!!

I bought coffee on my way there so I could have energy with the girls though.

I wanted to go to sleep around 10 last night.

No.

It was 2:30am bc I had stupid coffee!!

Today I started a new house sitting job. 20 minutes outside of town.

I didn't want to wake up this morning to take care of all of the many animals before I had to meet someone for coffee at 10am. So I ended up getting out of bed with just enough time to get ready and go to meet them.

So I had to go take care of animals after.

This is a new house sitting job for me.

They have two indoor cats, many outdoor cats (who are basically strays and just meant to catch mice), 5 chickens, 2 bunnies, and 4 small dogs who are divided between 3 houses on the property.

All of the animals were super easy until the last two dogs.

They are kept in a crate in a garage during the night and can be let out for walks or they can spend the day in their "dog run" area.

Both dogs (but mostly one of them) barked and growled so much I was terrified to open their crate.

Once I did, they were super sweet.

Then I took them to the dog run and one of the dogs turned insane.

They both went into the dog run mostly just fine, but the boy dog somehow got out. I saw him do it and I still don't know how he managed it.

And then he wanted pets for a little bit and then would growl and try to bite me!! He was so weird!!! And he didn't want to go in the dog run again. He wanted to just hang in the backyard with me and the other two dogs I guess. He bit my hand when I tried to put him in the dog run the second time.

So we hung out in the backyard.

That boy dog and another boy dog were trying to hump one of the girl dogs like the whole time. (At least one of the boy dogs is/are not fixed and neither is the girl dog they were trying to hump.) The other girl dog was doing Something that looked similar so I now believe she's a lesbian.

Then I went to put the two dogs back into their crate and when I unclipped the girl dog's leash she took off running out of the garage! She was gone for maybe like 15min and then came back! She apparently went and played in the creek on the property.bi think she enjoyed herself very much.

All of that being said. Everything is FINALLY calm now.

But I am running on like 5ish hours of sleep, caffeine, adrenaline from an insane day, orange juice, and that's, like, it. I haven't eaten anything today.

I'm getting dinner with a friend tonight though.

[kaunisbaby]

so last night my friend @mschibi27 and i went to the motionless in white + skold concert in milan and i bet y'all already know how much it meant to me.

the people we met were all super nice and cool and friendly. somehow we got 3rd row and i never been that close to the stage before. they were like one meter in front of us and i could see their eyes perfectly.

i was one of the few ones who knew skold  and i tried to indoctrinate some of the people in line lmao just. let me tell you. he's even more gorgeous in real life (@skold had warned me lmao) and he was phenomenal. when the show was over I overheard people say that they hadn't heard him before and that he was really fucking good and my heart exploded with joy.

miw on the other hand was another atmosphere entirely. cause of course people were there for them and everyone lost their shit when they got onstage. they were amazing as well, i loved the setlist and chris's charisma was over the top. we were slightly to the left so we were opposite to ricky who's a total babe.

BUT during break the cycle I fainted. lmao. sorry you gotta understand me I'm almost 24, immune system is shit, on my period and I wasn't feeling well during the day either. no one noticed (luckily, I didn't want to be taken out) because we were so packed and I just collapsed on the guy before me but then. then I got my hearing back and the first thing I heard was the synth notes of final dictvm!!! my sight was still completely black by then but it was gradually returning and the more seconds passed the more I could make out tim's face and it was like a religious experience?? he was like the first thing I saw when i came to my senses. he looked mystical?? maybe he truly is divine??

anyways I was able to enjoy the second part of the song with no problems and I LOVED the way tim and chris sang together and hugged and at the end tim smiled and OH FUCK

at the end of the show chris got offstage and he TOUCHED MY HAND and also ricky's spilled his water on us and my glasses were wet and I refuse to clean either the hand or the glasses now

then we waited for them outside the venue until like 1am. they didn't stop by but we saw justin, who kept going back and forth between the venue and the bus fuck knows why, nero, then tim and ricky got out together and they were talking and ricky was laughing at something tim was saying and THEY WERE SO CUTE.

so moral of the story they're all insanely gorgeous and insanely talented and my eyes had never experienced so much wonder at once and i'm. overwhelmed. now my back hurts I don't have feet anymore we slept 2 hours i'm on the train but i just want to see them again. those men are worth fainting for

[nneefa]

fic: the way you do the things you do

fandom: xiaolin showdown

characters: kimiko/raimundo, omi, clay

summary: there was something unsettling about the bruise on raimundo's face, considering it was meant for her.

notes: i struggled really hard with this, though i had a lot of fun with it. deep, introspective writing is not my forte. regardless, i hope y'all enjoy this. dedicated to @writing-saved-my-life

♡

It was funny how things could still manage to be so lively around the temple, considering what had just transpired not even 24 hours ago.

Living and fighting through two, insanely alternate timelines was certainly one thing, but to turn around and battle against the ‘Unwelcomed Mob of Evil’ - as Dojo had so eloquently phrased it - a second time not even ten minutes after coming out of them was just too much, even for Wudai Warriors. Master Fung, thankfully, had the right mind to give them the rest of the day off. He even dismissed them from their chores, of course, putting it off for the following day. According to him, they’d earned it on account of everything they’d been through. It also helped that they’d sustained more injuries on top of what they already had, but none of them dared complain.

Instead, they fell right back into the swing of things. That was, everyone except for Kimiko.

From her position at the infirmary sink, Kimiko watched Omi flit about Raimundo’s cot with the energy of a four-year-old with a sugar rush. Despite his injuries - a knot the size of a ping pong ball on his head, a split bottom lip, and several scrapes and bruises peppered along his knuckles and arms - Omi still found a way to be energetic.

It almost got on her nerves how easily he seemed to bounce back from all of the madness, especially when she couldn’t find it in herself to do the same, but Kimiko decided not to let it bother her too much. She’d almost forgotten what it looked like to see Omi act like an obnoxious little brother to Raimundo, considering his year-long stint spent antagonizing the older boy and all. Thankfully, Raimundo never took the bait, even when Omi seemed overbearingly harsh, and if he’d felt some type of way about it, he hardly let it show. Knowing him, he probably endured it without a second thought towards the consequences. For the sake of reestablishing trust with his friend. For Omi’s sake.

That was something Kimiko could honestly say got on her nerves: not Raimundo and Omi’s endless back-and-forth banter or the time it took to repair their brotherly relationship, but Raimundo’s ability to dive in head first, regardless of the consequences. To be unconditionally kind to and for others, with no concern for himself, was something Kimiko could not, for the life of her, understand.

Like their tag team showdown against the Forces of Evil.

It wasn’t that she wasn’t happy with their victory or anything. She’d been just as ecstatic as the rest of the team when Omi rescued Dojo, even finding a way to jump for joy despite the sharp pain in her back. But, now that the high was over and in seeing Raimundo’s condition - the bruise under his eye, his fractured hand, the torn flesh on his arm and back, the seared skin on his chest - Kimiko was finding it increasingly difficult to be grateful about anything. A part of her was moved, touched even, that he’d jumped in on her behalf; however, another part of her was angry with him, furious. Especially when it should’ve been her.

“Oh, pleeease, Raimundo, won’t you tell me what it feels like to be Shoku Warrior?” Omi droned for what ought to be the billionth time in the last hour, snapping Kimiko from her train of thought. “I want to be mooost prepared for when I make my transition from Wudai Warrior!”

Raimundo watched him bounce up and down in front of his bed with mild amusement. “How should I know when it hasn’t even been a day yet?”

But it was as if what he said went in one ear and out the other as Omi continued his rant, holding on to the edge of Raimundo’s bed while he bounced on his toes. "Does power surge from your very body? Can you manipulate the wind, at ease, without the use of your Elemental Shen Gong Wu? Can you break the sound barrier? Can you-

“Omi, slow down!” Raimundo cut him off with a shout.

“Yeah, partner. Breathe,” Clay added, rubbing antiseptic into the grooves of his knuckles. He’d scratched his hand trying to fend off Katnappe, Cyclops and the Chameleon Bot, the first of whom he went out of his way not to harm.

Omi did as he was told and took a deep breath. Only to continue rambling again. Raimundo quickly clamped his good hand over Omi’s mouth and answered him with a grin before he could start. “Honestly, minus the robes, it still feels like I’m a Wudai Warrior, but I’m sure I’ll get used to it. No, yes, and maybe…, I don’t know yet. Now, are you done?”

Omi nodded his head vigorously and pulled Raimundo’s hand from his mouth. “Ooooh,” he chirped excitedly, clamping his hands over his cheeks, careful to avoid the bump on his head. “I cannot wait for my chance to become a Shoku Warrior! I’ll be all this and a box of cookies.”

“Uh, that’s ‘all that and a bag of chips,’ Omi,” Kimiko finally said, maneuvering away from the sink and towards Raimundo’s bed where the shorter boy stood to hand him an ice cap. “And no offense, but I think you should focus a little less on being a Shoku Warrior and more on your injuries.”

“Yeah,” Raimundo agreed with a snicker. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear you were sprouting a second head.”

“Well, at least I am not bound to my mattress,” Omi jeered with a flush of his cheeks, hiding his knot beneath his ice pack.

“That’s ‘bedbound,’ knucklehead,” Raimundo guffawed, unable to contain himself anymore, causing Omi to go from pink to red.

Before Clay could stop himself, he burst into laughter too. “Now, Rai,” he managed to say between gasps of air, “that was a low blow. Even for you.”

Kimiko tried and failed to hide her own laughter with a strain of her cheeks, knowing that Omi didn’t enjoy being the butt of anyone’s jokes, especially when it came to his head. “Yeah, Raimundo,” she said, coughing in a feeble attempt to mask her giggles. “That wasn’t very nice.”

“Sorry, Omi,” Raimundo immediately apologized, still laughing, though not quite as hard. “I couldn’t resist. I was holding that one in for a minute. No hard feelings, right?”

“None at all, my friend,” Omi huffed, sourly pulling his ice cap away from his head to reveal his bump. The action only made Raimundo erupt into laughter again. Omi looked to Clay with a sharp turn of his head, frowning as he pointedly ignored their newly elected leader. “Come, Clay. I believe it is time for supper.”

“Hoowee! Ain’t that the truth!” the cowboy yipped, slipping off his medical bed to stretch and rub his belly. “I dunno ‘bout y’all, but all this time travelin’ business then done worked up a fella’s appetite. I could eat a horse, I’m so hungry.”

“Yeah, dude that’s gross, but hey, while you’re at it, grab me a plate too,” Raimundo piped in with a wide smile, his amusement finally dying down. “After a long day of kicking evil’s butt, I could use a bite to eat.”

Omi paused just before exiting the infirmary, his hand posted on the threshold of the door, and turned to grace Raimundo with a smirk, a mischievous gleam in his little, brown eyes. “Perhaps, my second head and I will think it over. While we eat.”

Raimundo’s mouth fell open in astonishment. Clay’s hand flew to his mouth as if he’d just heard someone utter a swear word, mirth clear in his blue eye, and he looked, back and forth, between Raimundo’s crestfallen expression and Omi, who’d disappeared down the hall with a smile.

“But- but I’m your leader!” the Shoku Warrior whined.

“In name only!” Omi yelled down the hall playfully.

Raimundo blew out a puff of air, leaning back on his cot with a mock frown. “Ay, you think you know a guy.”

“Sorry, Rai,” Clay chuckled, his apology not even the least bit sincere, though all in good humor. “You got no one to blame but yourself for that one. You comin’, Kimiko?”

Kimiko, who’d been staring at Raimundo’s bandages since the boys’ little exchange, looked up to see Clay watching her. Although his smile appeared relax, even she could see the concern laced in his eye. She bit the inside of her cheek before a sigh could escape her lips, a tinge annoyed at having been caught moping, and graced him with a smile of her own. She wouldn’t put it past Raimundo if he’d noticed her mood either.

“Nah, you go on ahead,” Kimiko told him with a nonchalant wave of her hand. “I’ll join you and Omi in a sec. Just need to tidy up a bit.”

Clay looked from Kimiko to Raimundo for a split second, the barest hint of a smile on his face, before tilting his hat down at them. Kimiko didn’t bother trying to interpret what that meant, as she was sure it’d only make her angry. “Okie dokie. I’ll leave you kind folks to it, then,” he said cryptically and, without another word, left the infirmary.

Raimundo barely allowed a second to pass before he spoke up, his voice uncharacteristically serious. “Alright, girl, out with it.”

Kimiko bristled at his demand, her frown immediate as she turned from where Clay had stood to face Raimundo, who looked nothing short of confused, if not concerned. The urge to ball her fists was fierce, but she held herself back, not wanting to risk reopening the wound on her palm.

“Excuse me?”

Raimundo rolled his eyes, wincing as he sat upright in his bed. “Come on, Kimiko,” he urged, his face softening. “You look worse than Jack after he loses a showdown. You don’t think I noticed the way you’ve been looking at me?”

Heat rose to her cheeks before she could stop herself. Angrily, she asked, “And just what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Don’t play dumb, girl. You know exactly what I mean,” Raimundo responded exasperately, despite his own blush. “You’ve been looking at me like I died or something. What’s the deal?”

“It’s just that…, well,” Kimiko stumbled, fighting to find the right words to say. She had no intention of beating around the bush with this conversation, but she was finding it very difficult to verbalize her feelings: anger, guilt, worry, gratitude. She’d never felt so many mixed emotions at one time before. In the end, she deflated, gesturing weakly at his condition with a twist of her hand, and softly said, “Look at yourself, Rai.”

He relaxed a little, and gave himself a once over before looking back at Kimiko, his smile as easygoing as ever. “It’s just injuries,” he replied with a shrug, rubbing his wrapped hand. “No big deal. S’not like I haven’t had worse, y’know. Is that why you’re upset?”

Kimiko flared up again, exhaling deeply when she slammed her hands on the guardrail of his bed, startling him. She was pretty sure she just reopened her wound, as her hand throbbed like crazy, but she couldn’t bring herself to care at that moment. “Don’t tell me it’s not a ‘big deal!’ How can you smile like that when you’re stuck in a hospital bed?”

“Whoa, Kim, easy,” he said good-naturedly, holding up his hands in a placating manner. “I just smile. You should try it sometime.”

“This isn’t funny, Raimundo,” Kimiko snapped, glaring at him. His easygoing nonchalance was really starting to grate her nerves. “I’m being serious.”

“I never said it was,” he countered with a glare of his own, though his wasn’t quite as fierce as hers. “So what if I got a few bumps and bruises? At least we won. You’re acting like that’s a bad thing.”

“It is a bad thing when you almost die doing it!” she blurted, wincing when she finally pulled her hand away from his bed rail. It was bleeding. As if on autopilot, Raimundo reached towards her, green eyes filled with concern, and Kimiko jerked back, clutching her hand to her chest like a lifeline. “Don’t, Rai! Just... don't, okay?! I didn’t ask for your help!”

Raimundo blinked at her, wide-eyed, hand frozen in midair. He watched her carefully with a furrowed brow, eventually letting his hand drop in his lap, but he didn’t say anything. Kimiko took it as a sign to continue.

“I- I could’ve taken them myself. I could’ve taken all four of them, if I wanted,” she repeated matter-of-factly. Her eyes burned, but whether it was from anger or tears, she didn’t know; however, she decided she didn’t care. All she knew was that if she didn’t get the words out now, she never would. “But then you had to go and play hero, and now look at you. You got hurt because of me. Did you do it because you took pity on me? Huh, is that it? Or was it because I’m a girl?”

“Where do you even get this stuff from?” Raimundo sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Earth to Kimiko. Did it ever occur to you that I didn’t want to see you get hurt? Hannibal and his goons crowded you. I wasn’t gonna sit there and watch it happen, not without doing something about it. So, I jumped in.”

Kimiko opened her mouth to argue, but he cut her off, the look in his eye firm, but gentle. Her heart beat just a little bit faster than normal, but she decided to ignore it.

“And I would’ve done the same thing, no matter who it was, whether it was you, Clay, or Omi. You guys are my friends.” He paused to flash her a toothy grin. “And I don’t regret it either. That’s just the kinda person I am, Kim.”

Raimundo’s smile was so infectious that Kimiko found herself returning it. She took a deep breath, the guilt she’d been feeling since earlier easing away like a dying flame. “You do know there’s a difference between being kind and reckless, right, Raimundo? One of these days, you’re going to get yourself killed over it.”

“I really wish you wouldn’t say things like that,” Raimundo protested in a lighthearted tone. “Master Fung said the same thing. Sooo, what?" he asked after a beat, offering her a smile. "We cool?”

Kimiko wanted so much to punch his arm, to elbow him or something, but knew it wouldn’t be appropriate, considering he was injured. So, she did the next best thing.

She hesitated at first, but she sat on the edge of his bed and reached out to him, ignoring the strange, fluttering sensation in her stomach, and wrapped her arms around him, careful to avoid his injured back. She felt Raimundo go ramrod straight beneath her, but he relaxed almost instantly, returning her hug with a squeeze of his own.

“Yeah, we’re cool,” she answered, but then she pulled back to fix him with a stern look, her hands resting on his shoulders. “But don’t you ever do anything like that again.” She jammed a finger against his collar bone with every word to emphasize her point.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Raimundo said with a grin.

Kimiko knew that it was hot air. He’d do it, without hesitance, every single time. That was just the kind of person he was, no matter how much he tried to hide it. It was his finest quality, after all.

She nodded her head, quickly sliding off his bed before things could get anymore awkward. There was something about the look in his eye that made her feel weird. “Good. ’Cause next time, I’ll kick your butt myself if you do.”

Raimundo made a noise at that. “Whatever. Just go take care of your hand already.”

“Don’t push it, Rai,” Kimiko threatened him as she made her way to the medical supply cabinet for the first aid kit. “Oh, and Raimundo?”

“Yeah, Kim?”

She faced him fully, med kit clenched tight in her hands. She seemed to look everywhere but at him, hiding behind the kit before she took a deep breath, cheeks dusted a light pink. “Thank you,” she said sincerely. “Y’know, for jumping in and all.” She grit her teeth, embarrassed, before looking him square in the eye. “It might not mean that much to you, but what you did, well, it really means a lot. So, thanks.”

With that, she hurriedly left the infirmary for the dining hall. Had she stayed just a little bit longer, she'd have seen Raimundo bury his face in his knees, face gone red.

[ts-2020-olympics]

Episode 6 - “The Level of Disgust I Have” - Karen

so i flopped in the arena.. but i do be staying sitting pretty considering the fact that i’ve survived every tribal with no votes even when my name is brought up! so cheers to that 

So I've just blown up the entire Miraitowa chat exposing Nicole and Jacob C as fantastic liars, yet Sammy doesnt have enough sense in his head to make his own decisions and go with the more trustworthy people. Honestly pray for a swap because this tribe is a fucking mess and the returnees are just picking off all the newbies, making this season boring as shit.

So, that boring ass alliance of 4 with Eve on the bottom probably wont break up for anything. That sucks, but I still have my extra vote. If Landen can win immunity, they'll all want to vote Eve, so then I can reveal to Eve and Landen I have an extra vote. Then we all vote together and make those bitches go to rocks and make this shit actually entertaining.

I honestly feel two things 1) I’m a fool and 2) I’m leaving this round. I just feel like it’s my time and it just sucks because I got played into doing all the dirty work for a bunch of stinky little men. So here’s the lowdown of what happened: I explained in my last confessional that we voted out Pete and that I felt like I was going to get fucked over because I was doing all the talking! Well. Essentially that. Basically when Pete came back there was a lot of information spilled and I was left to try to tell the truth without telling the whole truth (which was that we built this tribe to kill the newbies off which NOW IM NOT EVEN SURE IS TRUE.) So Landen tells us that Juls told Sammy and Jacob about her power, not just TOLD SAMMY AND JACOB. Offered to use her power on Jacob and Sammy. And they said NO and let it be used on Landen, essentially putting Kevin in the hot seat. So I’m kind of mad. I think I’m leaving this round like I just feel it in my gut but, maybe not. Who knows, who cares, I’m tired. 

Counting helped at my grandma's place to unwind. Not hearing boring, inane tripe from Darcy also helps. He's boring. I hate boring people. Also he voted for me, so why trust him? 

So I found out Eve left me for dead as well and she flips to them for no reason instead of talking to the person she’s been with since day 1. At the start i told her i’m watching her back for her and I’ve done that, now that I try talking to her out of fear for her safety, she doesn’t care to talk. It’s okay though that’s the game, it’s good that I know that now though so i don’t waste my extra vote lol

First off, I once again had no luck in the Olympic Village, nothing in the pool, so if something was there, someone else must have found the things already.  Secondly, a trio was formed between Tommy, Beck and I, where I already told both of them that I wanted to go to merge with them both, and that is 100% the truth, I trust those two the most on my tribe at the moment, and been having the best talks with them both in this game so far on my tribe.   So I would love making merge with the two of them.   Thirdly, I won individual immunity, which I actually think this is my first time winning individual immunity in an org, so am grateful to achieve that goal, although I didn't have to go all out to the 10k mark lmao.   Also, from what I got told from Tommy, Ben wanted to get me out if I had lost this immunity, so being safe feels that much greater, and I want Ben out now moment he isn't immune.  Plus had Ben call me a no lifer in the main chat after results got posted, so of course, I had to try to defend myself somewhat, as I'm not going to stand around and get claimed a no lifer, even though it is partially the truth due to being unemployed, but I do hang out with friends and stuff.  Anyways, Ben did apologize shortly afterwards for his words, which I appreciate the apology, but that doesn't change the fact that I want him out asap, since well he wants me out.   In terms of this vote though, if everything goes good, I think it will be Juls getting the boot, but we shall see what happens.  I am safe for this round, and made final 17, so no matter what I am safe, just hopefully my allies in Tommy and Beck can both survive this vote as well.

I think we've come to the end of the road for me, which sucks. I really don't want to lose this game, especially so early. I hate big casts, truly. Anyway, either way this night is gonna fuck me over. Two things could be happening tonight: 1) I get rid of Jacob and then Kevin is mad at me, Sammy is mad I got rid of Jacob, I sever my ties with Beck and Juls, I have to rely on my returnee ties and new newbie ties but, the new newbies don't like me either. So I'd essentially be screwed, but I've already promised it. 2) We get rid of Eve, and I lie to Eve, AGAIN. Which I really don't want to do. Although she's a little bit of a wishy washy woman, I don't want to betray Eve's trust because she's actually so sweet, and I'd value a friendship with her going forward in this game. I think I normally succeed in games where I can cultivate genuine friendships and feel like I truly have someone to rely on. I think I'm seeing that more and more with Kevin and Karen, but I don't know if that's 100% genuine either. Either way I'm not winning this game, so if I lose tonight I'll just reduce it down to I played too big too fast and I'll know better for next time around. Being the first winner out would really suck. But, I don't know. I'm just kind of nervous I ruined my game for people who don't care if I go and that's probably the worst feeling (and I'd know, seeing as I have gotten 0 votes at FTC, two times!) Anyway, I'll check back in later if we do come up with a plan that doesn't make me feel like utter shit, which is not likely at this point in time.

Y’all lemme tell you, Miraitowa is a fuckin mess fuck this tribe i can’t wait for the swap lmao. Okay so basically the voting block that took me out exploded and is eating itself. Jacob C and Nicole are telling the exact same story except they’re accusing the other person of creating the alliance and voting me. Honestly idc it was probably a team effort between the both of them, i’m trying to have the vote end up as the worst case possible for that alliance so it officially never reconnects. Here’s how it breaks down: Jacob C, Sammy, and Eve are all trying to get Nicole out. Nicole is trying to get Jacob C out. Kevin is a fuckin wild card, I thought he’d be with Nicole but who the fuck knows man. If Landen and I let Nicole go, we’d still be on the bottom of the same alliance minus Nicole so right now we need to confirm that Kevin is voting with Nicole and we can break apart some of Jacob’s connections. 

Oh my god a triple tribal council. Y'all can't give us a break?!?!?! This season is going to have the most tribal council I swear. This is at least an opportunity to get out Juls, who I think will be my biggest threat if I let her slip past this vote because she's dangerous and able to get along with so many people. This twist I think will prove to be a good way to get Juls out because she has to face two people and unless the other tribe puts total duds in terms of challenge competition she will go home if sent to the arena. As part of strategy when Ben told me he was coming for Darcy, I told Darcy right before he won immunity that Ben was after him but I said I heard it from Karen. This way it shows that Karen is willing to keep Darcy but it gives me more trust with Darcy than Karen because I was the one who told Darcy. We had a call Darcy, Beck, and Myself and finally made a trio alliance which I think will benefit me at certain points in the game because they may have really good potential to draw in people to work with. I think I convinced them I can draw in Karen as a makeshift fourth for our group to have a majority. However, I trust Karen for now in the long scheme I think I will just maintain a good standing with her but not tell them as much. As for now I'm just down with this plan Myself, Beck, Darcy, and Karen are going for to blindside Juls and hopefully my plan to get rid of Juls pans out and we are able to officially eliminate her. If we go to tribal again Ben makes an easy next boot, this keeps the 4 people I'm closest to on the tribe on the tribe as long as possible (Karen, Beck, Darcy, and Caeleb.) The only problems I see if Juls goes is that either she wins a Gold medal and/or Caeleb loses trust which both have a chance of happening but I think this risk will be worth the reward. It's a high risk high reward situation.    

People are quiet, and I hope it's because of inactivity Jordan and Emma seem fine with voting Sarah, and that should be all needed. Chris isn't responding but I don't think he's around. Sarah hasn't even read my message today lol

honestly at this point my tribe is a disaster and i feel like the prince, just sitting on my throne with immunity and looking down with a horrified gaze like... what the FUCK is happening... y'all-. Ever since when I was first blindsided by seeing Pete leave everything went insane. Sammy called for damage control, it was all obvious bullshit. i won the medal at the arena, thank the lord, i did intentionally volunteer knowing i NEEDED that bonus, but thank god i got it for individual immunity instead! i was able to *ahem* secure the bag, and i did that while also going as hard as i can with my social manipulation skills. everyone thought i was just some newbie or some quiet anxious guy that doesn't know how to crack the premade and will never be able to put up a fight but they were wrong. They should not have underestimated me because I was able to expose the lies they told themselves and each-other. In all their efforts to outplay one another, they ended up soiling their own defeat. i told nicole about how sammy/jacob omitted the information about juls' power, and i continuously threatened everyone through jokes to remind them 'I'm still counting, and I've been counting for 24 hours. I'm going to win immunity, and you'll have to turn on eachother.' this madness led to nicole throwing sammy/jacob under the bus right before challenge ended, and of course, they returned the favor. This has led to a paranoia induced voting period where honestly, i still don't even know what's happening. it's very likely the tribal is LIVE tonight. the fear and stress comes in in that i really don't want to lie to sammy after the conversations we had, i really want to be truthful with him. but thinking about my individual game, keeping Jacob C and Eve in just makes no sense. They both have no interest in working with me long term and they both are connected with a ton of people that I want to have loyalty to. Getting rid of them frees up Caeleb and Juls a little bit for me, so I would really like to take them down. But working with Nicole, Kevin, and Pete is going to put me in a tight spot where Sammy is furious, potentially with an idol, and feels like I was a hypocrite with him. That's going to be really hard. But Eve and Jacob are just. VERY bad for my game. They both limit my working relationships with other people a ton. They both make this game.. quite difficult to navigate for me. And they both have zero interest in working with me. It's hard to play Sammy like this, I am gonna feel awful for this. But, you gotta do what you gotta do, and with a swap possibly coming soon... This is what I gotta do. It's shark week (thanks Kevin) and blood is about to get shed. 

Hello I hate these hosts......all tribes going to tribal??????? The level of disgust I have .... so Ben returned after being voted kmssss I know mans will be gunning for me ugh I wish I won immunity but like Darcy fuckn snapped fhdgggg. So with this tribal coming up Darcy wants to take out juls, with me tommy and becks voting together. The only person I’m if-y on is becks atm bc becks is close to juls allegedly. Also caeleb and Juls haven’t been spoken to all day which is like yikes bc that could mean they’d vote for me, i think may I could throw becks under the bus just in case. Slim picking that’s for sure ugh why is the game like this. Also I’ve been talking to nicole and kev and they seem to be struggling on their tribe & hope neither go bc then I’d have to keep working with tommy lol /:. Also I’ve been told juls is the one who exiled Landon so 👀👀👀👀👀thats so suspect!!!!! Juls & becks seem kinda shady to me so I’m gonna have to monitor them. Ugh I hope I’m not getting played tonight or else it might just be bye bye Karen 

I’m in a peculiar position. I don’t want Eve to go, Jacob C is way bigger a threat to me but we have to keep nicole and that group is set on Eve....... god i’m hoping we’re right. 

hello confessional! i'm an awful person and this is the third time in an org that i've fucked over juls somehow and i feel terrible about it. unfortunately with the new alliance that tommy made for us voting out anyone else besides caeleb or juls was not an option and caeleb is rly good at challenges so.... but yeah! tonight fucking sucked. kinda hope juls comes back but i also don't bc she will be out for my blood and you know what? i deserve it

Nicole’s gone, I’m happy about it, it’s what she deserves truely. Over this stupid fucking tribe, CHOKE all of you

I feel really bad about this vote. I new Jacob was going home, but I had to vote with him to make sure that he’ll still be on my side if he comes back from arena. 

The game is getting spicy. This is my confession 👀

WELLLLLLLL babes basically this round started out with landen and pete coming back and trying to yell at the four from the previous majority, after we lied to their faces and then they did not take it well. After all the fighting was said and done we all got to counting and by all i mean me and landen, whom beat me thanks to his silver medal. Even though i counted higher, but alas the past is in the past. After that the game really got going cause we had to go to TRIBAL !!! which fucking sucked because we basically only had 1 option for our "alliance" which was eve, i started talking to the 2 safe bois to see where they were at and the didnt like eve or had some issues with eve, so i thought we could capitalize on that and just unan it on eve, but when i woke up that was simply NOT AN OPTION because the night before nicole had said jacobs name to nicole, without informing the alliance nor jacob personally what she said. This was followed by eve telling jacob immediately after what was said which lead jacob to distrust nicole which in turn made sammy distrust nicole, waking up in the middle of this was not ideal because i had no way to prevent it so i had to work with the situation as best as possible. After talking to everyone on the tribe it literally seemed to be a vote between jacob and nicole with no wiggle room. However as the day moved on i wanted to try and sneak eves name into the mix, after talking to pete and landen some who both confessed they wanted to work with me i pitched to them that potentially voting Eve and then keeping Nicole and Jacob mad at each other for future rounds to cover us, to which they seemed to take well to but werent very eager to do right away. After that i had to reel nicole in and get her to send her vote to Eve which worked until we found out that Sammy has an idol !!! Which he could use on himself orrrrrr EVE, so basically we had to tread carefully after this point and we had to lie to Sammy, pete/landen said they were doing nicole and nicole said she was doing sammy himself, i didnt lie i said i felt like eve was my only option and i worked with that, but still people did lie to him, and I tried to plant seeds in his head to play the idol on himself cause potentially he could save eve, but i wanted him to worry about himself first. After all the drama there was the calm before the storm.. and then the storm hit hard as fuck. We had a plan and a majority until minutes before tribal when nicole told jacob we were voting eve to keep him in the loop and probably turn him off of her, which he was fine with! But landen and pete felt betrayed that nicole would disclose our information to someone else, so when they heard that they scrambled and Pete wanted us to flip onto Jacob, while Landen coincidentallyyy voted for Nicole, which ultimately resulted in a 3-3-1, i tried to flip sammy or pete to keep nicole but to avail ... rip nicole. After tribal eve was obviously mad about getting votes, Sammy was mad about getting lied to and Landen and Pete were proven flakes, i did my best to save face and keep my ducks in a row with sammy, pete, and landen but only time will tell if i did a good enough job. As for the rest of the game i really hope that nicole comes back because she was, surprisingly, my closest ally in this game and i need her as a shield. But im sad that juls got out and while I want her to come back too i would prefer nicole, for game purposes but i would be just as happy to see juls return if she can pull it off. Welp, good luck charlie.

So I got voted out. I think I’m good with it though. I’m very much “whatever happens happens” at this point, because in my opinion I think I’m done with this game. There’s a lot of factors that I just don’t like about it, and that’s not saying anything about the hosts because I love Monty and Gage, I think I’ve spoken about this before in other games I’ve been in but I really can’t play games where you spend 24 hours sitting around. It hinders me so bad to just be sitting, not doing a challenge or anything, especially with 25 people around, it’s hell. There are a lot of things that annoy me in this game. One being that the newbies are like...mean as fuck lol. Like they just come in guns blazing and really don’t care what they say to other people, or they’re just dead and no help at all. Eve was honestly a nasty brat, and I’m just calling it how I saw it. She demanded trust, and that’s not a good way to get people to actually trust you. She came up with a majority of five people, she assumed I’d vote out Kevin, and yes I lied a little (bc it’s survivor) but you’d think I literally had been working with her since Day One and stabbed her in the back. We had maybe 24 hours of conversation. If I lied to Kevin, I’d feel terrible. You think I feel bad lying to someone I only talked to once who planted a five person majority without my main ally in it? Like, for real? It makes no sense. Landen doesn’t like lying either like....alright go do you homework and stop playing survivor then. DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE ARE? And the funny thing is, all of these people lied to me. Eve went behind my back. Jacob sent screenshots (which is cheating but somehow I’m here and he’s not) to Sammy. Sammy literally didn’t tell me he had an advantage and told me he didn’t know about Juls advantage. Landen Said he voted Jacob. Pete said he didn’t know the plan. Kevin, I’m hoping he was honest because he’s the only reason I’m happy I played this game. Kevin is SO nice and so genuine, I hope it’s not an act for the game but I know I put him THROUGH IT this round so I’m contemplating just giving up, for his sake, because if I come back it’s likely gonna be..a bit of a mess for him. I know I might need to come back to save Kevin and Jacob, moreso Kevin bc Jacob can go kick rocks. Anyway back to Sammy for a second. I’ve always seen Sammy as this nice little man who is so kind, but I REALLY saw an ugly side of him this round. Like, I don’t think I’ll ever see him the same again. I hope he loses to literally anyone. I don’t think he deserves to win and out of everyone I’m most mad at him. He’s a hypocrite who can make you feel bad you lied to protect yourself from him because he lied to you first, and sure that helps in Survivor but that’s downright ugly and I don’t respect that at all. He lied to me CONTINUOUSLY throughout the day, leaking every word I said to Eve. Only to be mad at me because I lied to him...to misdirect his idol? TO MISDIRECT HIS IDOL HE DIDNT EVEN TELL ME ABOUT BECAUSE HE DIDNT TRUST ME. And for him to try to pull an apology out from me and make me feel bad...sit down. Nobody makes me feel bad or can twist my emotions like that so, nice try. And in such an obvious and public manner like...who taught you to be the way you are lmao. That’s so rude. I hope he loses is the point. Honestly I’m kind of like over playing and I know juls really has a fire in her heart to continue playing with these god awful people who have snaked us. She’s a little queen and I hope she wins it if I can’t, because she deserves to! My plan is to just hold on until Jacob drops (assuming it’s pressure cooker) and then decide there if I want to go in or not. I also want to put out a disclaimer that I’m ranting about everyone else bc I’m mad but I know I fucked up, too. I lied way too much for unecessary reasons that seemed necessary at the time with advantages in play. I trusted people based on personal knowledge of their heart and how kind they are, which was wrong. Jacob and Sammy both showed me their ugly sides, and I showed mine as well so I mean I’m not going to sit here and act innocent. I can see EACH mistake I made and how I could have played better. I hope Sammy and Jacob both get premerge, hope Landen gets yeeted into the sun, or a lesson in manners bc lord knows he doesn’t have any and just wants to be that That Iconic Newbie that newsflash nobody wants to cast again, and I hope juls prospers if I fail at the arena challenge. Manifest manifest manifest. I literally feel like in my brain there is no possible way I’m going to be back in this game and if I do come back, I’m just going to get voted out again. So it’s a hard choice deciding if I want to or not. I promised Juls I’d outlast Jacob B but after that, I’m not sure. I feel like I don’t even have it in me, because if I really saw a chance at winning. I just feel like I’ve made a fool of myself and let men make a fool out of me, and it’s time to go home, rest, recuperate and come back to kick ass another day. 

So we had a live tribal last night and everything is a MESS now! It's my birthday and so I'm trying to stay in a good mood and not think about the game, but honestly, stuff is pretty stressful. My plan WAS to take out Eve the whole time, I was fully on board with it and I do believe it was the right move for me at the time. Unfortunately Nicole decided to go insane and blow up the entire plan by telling Jacob and having everything blow up at tribal council which is just... ugh. It made it clear she was trying to rebuild the majority and force the power structure back in place, so that's why I had to make sure she went home. She showed unreliability and a willingness to turn that I couldn't have in the game, that's the whole reason I wanted to take out Eve. Because I need allies in this game who will work with me and who have interest in working with ME. Nicole seemed like she could be a useful person in the game, but as soon as her fight with Jacob ended and they started to try and take control again, it was too late. I had to get rid of her. Sadly she'll probably come back from the arena and that's going to make things... Messy. It's going to become a game of who can use Sammy the best, and I just hope I can win that game. But I've told him too many lies and that comes off hypocritical. It sucks because I feel guilty about it, AND hopeless in the game. But I dunno. We'll just have to see. Not to mention I lost Juls somehow, and EVERYONE seems to be shocked that she was voted out. That is not good for my game at all as she was somebody I was really relying on and also I just love her. So losing her absolutely sucks. I'm really hoping she can come back from the Arena. The game is turning into a downward spiral for me and fast. People are predicting a swap, and at that point, it's the best I can hope for. I got Eve with me now on the brightside, and I know I could reel in Caeleb, Jordan, probably even Ben.... Things are getting very bloody very quickly in a game as competitive as this one, and I just pray I can wind up on the right side of things with a swap. Being on the bottom this time was deadly and detrimental to my game - I have played extremely hard, cutthroat, fierce, and overall just like.. WELL. Not to toot my own horn but I have played VERY good on both Sonkei and Miraitowa, and there's a lot on my resume for if I do manage to make it to the end. But if I keep just giving everything 120% and making these power moves and making enemies and such as I go, I'll have no chance. I really need a stage in the game where I can sit back and kind of just relax and be this UTR force, that people aren't taking so much notice of. Form more social bonds. Also, fuck the olympic idol hunt or whatever. I suck at it but other people have gotten so many advantages. EEP!

I was about to be super proud of the fact that this was the earliest I made a confessional in a round all game, just to realize its still only 5 hours before the deadline so like is that even good? long story short I had to fuck over jacob this round which sucked cause i loved jacob but we went to too many tribals and like... im running out of options. I made a new alliance of me emma stoner and sarah which like lowkey is a good call because we have one person from 4/5 starting tribes we are as well connected to each other as we can be right now. I need us to swap not cause I would go home, I genuinly think if we kept losing I could get down on this tribe to just me and one more person if needed but like... can we not I'm so tired. Bring on the swap, i need new people to manipulate!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #219

“make a move and you pay for it; pick a lord and you pray to it.”

Do you actually love your grandpa? I don't really remember either of mine. I do from what I remember and have learned of them, though. Do you actually love your grandma? I don't remember my dad's mom at all, but I mean, I love her simply for being my dad's mother, who loved her. My mom's mom, yeah, even though she's. Hard to like a lot of the time. Do you have Facebook? Yes. What was the last thing you posted on someone’s wall? A birthday post. Do you have MySpace? My old one still exists, but I sure haven't been on it since it was current. What is your favorite kind of music? Heavy metal. Favorite soft drink? Mountain Dew Voltage is actually cocaine to me rip. Favorite food? Probably like... pepperoni pizza or cheeseburgers. I'm a full-blooded 'Merican. Have you ever felt replaced? OH, HAVE I! Have you ever worn false eyelashes? No. Do you ever regret making a friend? I don't think so. Can you cure mental illness? I don't know about cure, but you can certainly learn how to handle it better and alleviate symptoms. Is God good? Define "God." Cats or dogs? Kitties. Do you play video games? Yeah, but I don't play nearly the variety that I used to. Do you take medication for mental health? Yes. Can you really be racist to a white person? No shit? Do you have a favorite hair accessory? What does it look like? No. What’s your favorite type of insect? Butterflies. What’s your LEAST favorite type of insect? Larvae, like maggots. Disgusting. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? What did you say? What’s his/her favorite food? Idk and I don't feel like checking. I rarely use it. What was the last song you listened to? Does it mean anything to you? "Thoughts & Prayers" by Motionless In White is a mood with my mad-at-God-24/7 ass. It needs to stop honestly. I've become so hateful about religion. Not towards followers, mind you, just the concept itself. I could write a novel on this, but I don't feel like it. Just me and organized religion don't get along anymore. Have you ever slept in a water bed? On a water mattress, yeah. How do you feel about having sex during your menstrual period? Never tried, not for me. Sounds messy. Does your ex have a job? My most recent, I guess you mean? Yeah. Have you ever slept in a car? Yeah, on long drives to like New York and stuff. What was the last term of endearment you used (babe, hun, dear, etc)? *checks phone* "Sweetie." How often do you use Flickr? Never. I can't log into my account anymore since Yahoo said "fuck u Britt," so there's no point. Have you ever been on a blind date? No. Do you have a crush on the last person you texted? She's my girlfriend so y'know like- Have you ever got into an argument with the last person you kissed? We very much disliked each other at first, so... guess, lmao. Have you ever liked somebody who was nice to you, but horrible to everyone else? Eh, that's a mystery... Juan was very sweet to me, but I know he had a bad rep. I didn't really see how he interacted with others. How’s your appetite atm? It's normal. I'm not currently hungry. Out of all the conversations you’ve had recently, which one has made you smile or laugh the most? Sara randomly and excitedly texted me to tell me "Welcome to the Jungle" was on at work, which was on the radio both when I was there and she was here, so she thought of how much she missed me lakdjsfkalwe I smiled my face in half. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? Eh, it wasn't awful. It was for my school ID. What is one vacation destination that many people think is just fabulous but which you personally have no desire to visit (or revisit)? New York City. My sis went and said it was 1.) insane and 2.) disgusting. If you were five years younger but knew everything at that age that you’ve actually learned over the last five years, what is one thing you would definitely do differently? Go to the partial hospitalization program way sooner. What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life? To earn a happy, content future. What activity that you have to do every once in a while that you dread the most? "Every once in a while," I'd say clean Mitsu's cage. She is such a strange rat. Enjoys pets, but being picked up is a no sir. When people hear what you do for a living, what is the most typical question or comment they give you regarding your job? N/A If you were left alone for one hour with nothing more than a pen and a notepad, what would you be inclined to draw or write during those 60 minutes? I'd probably write a poem. I know I wouldn't draw 'cuz fuck no am I doing so with a pen. If you could witness anything at all in super-slow motion, what would you want to see? Uhhh. Idk. Anything I can think of, like lightning, I've seen because of the Internet. If someone were looking for you in a bookstore, in what section would they be most likely to find you? Probably like, young adult fiction/fantasy, something like that. What do you forget to do more often than anything else? Lately, take one of my mood stabilizers. I need to get the box out... aaaand forget every day. I haven't felt any different without it tho so like... If you could teach everyone in the world one skill, what would it be? Compassion, maybe. You’ve been offered the chance to paint a billboard along a highway with any message you choose, as long as it’s only 10 words long. What is your message? I'm not spending time musing over something that serious lakaljdsfawe. Would you ever travel to Africa? Hell yes. I desperately want to go to South Africa on the Tswalu Kalahari tour. Whose house were you last at? Besides my own, my older sister's. Have you ever had a near-death experience? I guess this depends on how near death you mean. I've been in one car accident that my mom managed to make minor only by being a good driver; realistically, we should've flipped, according to the cop. My mom just acted quickly enough. Then I heavily ODed, but I was given more than enough fluids in time to keep me surprisingly okay. I don't know what would've happened if I hadn't told Mom so quickly, and I don't care to think about it. I'm fucking lucky and don't want to think about what could've happened. Have you ever met anyone who was overly addicted to a computer game? Tbh I myself could've been in this position when my depression was so bad, but then there's factors to that that lean towards it just having been a preference versus addiction. Idk. It's not a problem anymore so not worth debating over. Have you ever been fingered? That was the first cheat when you chose abstinence lmao. What do you do the most when you are online? Watch or listen to something on YouTube. What video game have you played the most? So in WoW you can actually type in /played to see how long you've played JUST that one character up to the years (or maybe days?) down to seconds and. I will never type it in lmao. Ongoing games are v depressing. Do you have scars you don’t like to talk about? No, those are thankfully gone. What is something you and your significant other do that may seem weird to others? Be helplessly and openly in love with imaginary demons while dating each other lmao (she's a Freeza fanatic). When and why did you last cry? The second day of school because of math class. When was the last time you drank? I think like... back on the 4th of July. Or some days after 'cuz I know Mom and I didn't finish the container in one night. Do you wear jewelry a lot? Just my piercings, really. Save for on my ear lobes because the holes on the left are fucked up, yay. I'm going to wind up just slightly stretching the first holes when I can afford a small kit; actual studs or hoops look stupid. Never wanted gauges until the holes got too stretched by the weight of hoops; now something needs to be there. Who in your household do you not have a good relationship with? My sister's (who doesn't even live here...) dog Bentley. I hate him and he doesn't like me. No, that doesn't mean I mistreat a pet. He's just a pain in the goddamn ass. Who in your life are you scared to lose more than anything? My mom. I don't know what would happen to me or how I'd cope at this time. Honestly, would you rather be single or in a relationship? I'm happier in a healthy relationship. Do any of your friends not get along at all? No. I mean, not that I know of. What are your 3 favorite internet sites? I'd be LOST without YouTube, then KM follows up close. #3, uh... Facebook or Tumblr, I suppose. Have you ever gotten anything autographed, if so by who & what was it? No. Well, I do have a little book of Disney World character autographs, but I don't think that really counts. Do you prefer Walmart or Target? We use Wal-mart. Who is your favorite model? Sara is a gd model don't even @ me about it. What have you done that is out of character for you? The Joel thing is the most anti-Brittany thing I've ever done for sure. I can't think of anything more current that stands out, unless it's- NO WAIT, this was quite a few months ago, but I firmly stood against an opinion my psychiatrist made known. He's very talkative and open as hell about his beliefs in current events, and he said something about pit bulls where I was just like... um no sir. I wasn't going to be rude though to HIM of all people so just said I don't base dogs by their breed and shut up. Awkward silence and we moved on. What do you feel strong enough to protest about? LGBT acceptance and rights. I already protest by having given up Chic-fil-a okay I care y'all. What’s the biggest blooper you’ve never lived down? Who knows... What is the best thing you have done just because you were told you can’t? Idk. I'm lucky to not have really been told that... What are you most thankful for? Thinking it all over, probably being born where I am. Boy is America FUCKED UP in some places, but boy would I be in a MUCH worse place if I was born in, say, North Korea, between my mental issues, sexuality, and opinions that can go to either end of the spectrum. How do you feel about thrift shops or flea markets? I love them! You can find the coolest, wackiest shit. What do you like to put gravy on? I hate gravy with a passion. Have you ever gone canoeing/kayaking? No. What one thing in particular makes you feel good about yourself? I genuinely think I'm a nice person that has other's well-being in mind. What is priceless to you? Love, in any form. What is one thing you know about your family history you’re proud of? Uhhh. I guess more than anything, I'm proud of my distant cousin for her unwavering love for and loyalty to her daughter when it came to escaping the Middle East and her dictatorial husband. Read Not Without My Daughter, it's great. Do you keep a budget? I don't have an income. What makes you feel rested and refreshed? Rested, a good night's sleep following being truly exhausted. Refreshed, oh man, gimme a hot, long shower. Who depends on you the most? Nobody. Could you ever be someone’s bodyguard? Hell no. Has one of your biggest fears come true? Yes. I was entirely convinced the world would literally end if Jason left. That night still doesn't feel real. Have you ever let your mom or significant other fight a battle for you? Colleen and Mom once fought after I'd ignored her, so I guess? It wasn't my wish or anything though for her to do it; Mom had shit to say by her own volition, and I wasn't going to tell my mother "no you can't do that." Did you create a checklist for your ideal spouse? No? Have you ever ridden on a subway or train and what did you like about it? Nope. Do you have to experience something to fully understand it? Yes. What embarrasses you instantly? A LOT A LOT A LOT!!!!! It is SO easy to embarrass me, including second-handedly. Do you think you could be a firefighter, why/why not? Hell no, I'm most certainly not in the necessary shape, and quite honestly I'm not that willing to risk my life for random people that could be assholes. What do you think should be censored? Idk. I have mixed feelings on censorship, no matter how stupid it seems. Eh... yeah, idk. Are you related to anyone famous or historical, if so who? Queen Victoria and William Clark. Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? Depends on who and obviously if we're even compatible. Have you ever fired a gun? No. What is the main quality you think makes a great parent? Sincerely caring for them, probably. Who is a female role model in your life? My mom, in some ways. What childhood dreams have you neglected? Jfc a lot, I don't want to think about it. What do you have trouble seeing clearly in your mind? My future, honestly. It's hard picturing my elderly days. Like I'm not suicidal anymore, I just don't really... realize I'll get there, I guess. I can't picture myself being old and alive. Would you travel to space if possible? No, too long of a trip. Are you an optimistic person? I'm a realist. Do you consider yourself more realistic OR idealistic? ^ Have you ever felt bi-curious? I started out accepting myself as bisexual through thinking myself as bicurious. I quickly realized "bisexual" was more accurate than "bicurious," but it was an easier thing to shift acceptance towards in regards to yourself when you thought you were straight for 21 years. Are you a fan of U.S. President Donald Trump? No sir. I agree with some of his ideas, but I hate him as an asshole person without a trace of manners. Do you know anyone with autism, mood disorders or learning disabilities? Multiple. I'd assume most people know someone who fits at least one criterion there. Are you green-eyed? Not exactly, but they definitely have a green hue to them. They're a gray/green blue. Would you consider UFC fighting and WWE real sports events? I think it's beyond debate that a lot of it is staged, but I mean, I guess to a degree? You still have to fight. It's physical exertion. Have you ever had an immediate relative pass away of cancer? No. Wait. I can't remember if my grandmother had cancer or not... but I don't think so. She was just old. Would you rather work in an office, warehouse or on a retail shop floor? An office, definitely. In my work-hunting as well as actual work experience, office work is probably the only job I could actually do that doesn't require a degree... Do you have a favorite wild animal? Why? You can't know me and not be fully aware meerkats are my favorite animal. Why? Ho boy. I love social species, and meerkats have such strong personalities, and holy shit are those little things brave as fuck. They're so GOSH DARN CUTE!!!! too, and their loyalty to each other is astounding. I love how playful and curious the little guys are, and... just wow okay, I could write an actual essay on how I adore meerkats so goddamn much. Do you have any unusual, uncommon phobias? I'm sure there are other people afraid of whale sharks, but I don't think it's common? And is an actual phobia of pregnancy uncommon? Idk. Do you prefer Android or iPhone? I hate my Android. I've had an iPhone in the past, and it was great. Are you a fan of sweet, sour, salty, or savory snacks? All, depending on my mood. Most often I'd say I like sweet. Do you believe climate change is real? We can't be friends if you don't. Do you believe in evolution OR creationism? Evolution. Do you think people can really predict the future? Nah. Have you been to a lot of shrinks? I hate that word. Just call them therapists. But yeah. How often do you clean your room? Not often enough. I need to dust... Any movies coming out soon that you want to see? I DESPERATELY wanna see the "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" one. Those books were my CHILDHOOD. What was the last fear you overcame? I don't know about totally overcame, but vocational rehab helped me quite a bit with answering the phone to numbers I didn't recognize. Have you ever hurt yourself trying to crack a body part? No, nothing on me really cracks. Well no, both my big toes do, but no, I haven't hurt myself trying to crack them. What’s the worst part about winter? The days where it's cold BUT ALSO WINDY asdkljfaklwej;awe Summer? It's too fucking hot and probably humid, too. Spring? POLLEN. Fall? Literally nothing. :') Are you allergic to anything? Pollen and silver. How many times have you changed a diaper in your life? Like, once. Which country has the most fascinating culture? Oh boy, idk. Who does your favorite song? Idrk what my current favorite song is. I say my all-time fave is "False Flags" by Massive Attack, but it's not something I constantly wanna listen to. I guess you could maybe say it's "Headache" by Motionless In White; I play and repeat that a lot. I've really been digging them lately. When was the last time you wore makeup? Shit dude, idk. Months ago. Do you prefer males or females or both? I'm generally afraid of men, but I mean, I don't "prefer" one over the other if he's a good guy. Where in your town do you go when you wanna chill with a few friends? I don't have any friends I go out with. But there's nowhere to go here anyway. Where’s the best place to get coffee? N/A Have you ever seen someone struggle with an addiction? My dad was an alcoholic, but he's recovered. He loved (idk if he still does it) fantasy football, too. Pretty sure I got my addictive personality from him, lol. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? Early 2017. Do you like cranberry juice? omfg NO. Do you play any zombie-killing video games? The Last of Us is fucking dope, but I didn't finish it before my PS3 broke. :'( I like the Resident Evil series too, and some of those games have zombies or similar creatures. And The Walking Dead game tears my heart out every fucking season. What is the dominating genre on your mp3 player/iPod? Varying forms of metal. Do you have a book shelf? No. What website do you spend way too much time on? YouTube is ALWAYS open. I constantly either watch let's players and a few other kinds of YTers, moving windows around so I can see it and do other things, or listen to music. Do you like wind chimes? I LOVE!!!!!!!!!! WINDCHIMES!!!!!!!!!! Do you have a fetish? No. Do you have a pet fish? No. Don't get me wrong, they're beautiful and calming, but not worth it for me personally. They don't have much of a personality at all, and cleaning a tank so much for just a fish isn't for me. Do you like kettle corn? (That sweet and salty popcorn) Yessss! Do you enjoy classic rock? Hell yeah, man. When was the last time you went for a walk, just cause? Not since I was at Sara's last. Do you listen to Type O Negative? No. Do you have any fillings or cavities? Yeah. Have you gotten your wisdom teeth taken out yet? No, and thankfully I don't need to. One was very close to needing to be, but it has just enough room. Do you actually read privacy policies when signing up for new things? "Depending on what I’m signing up for, I’m likely to at least skim it." <<< This. Did you have a lot of birthday parties when you were younger? If so, did you invite everyone in the class? I had a party every year up to... idk what age. And no, I only invited friends. Do you like when things are color coordinated? Yes. Have you ever participated in one of those “guess how many jelly beans, mints, etc. are in this jar!” contest? if so, have you ever won? Yeah, and no. Can you juggle? Nope. Have you ever mistaken a ringing phone on TV or in a movie for your own? Who hasn't? How often do you use bobby pins? Never. My hair's really too short for them. Well, I'd probably pin the right side up if I was doing something like cleaning. Do you live on an avenue, road, drive or something else? Road. What are your school colors? Blue and white. Have you ever taken a picture with Santa when you were little? Yeah. Have you ever rolled down a steep, grassy hill for fun? Actually yeah. Do you like Nerds candy? Yes I do.

[patrocool]

Do all the questions :)

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.You're Welcome- MoanaSpacebridge- STARFORCESeize the Day- NewsiesImmigrants (We Get the Job Done)- K'naanEverything I Know- In the HeightsMore Than Survive- Be More Chill2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?Hnnn, like in person? Nass3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.“I really need to teach you French enough to explain that properly.”4) What do you think about most?Musicals, probably. Sorry, y'all.5) Ever had a poem or song written about you?Ha, as if6) Do you have any strange phobias?Elevators and firepoles.7) What's your religion?Atheist I guess? I'm.8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?Probably going inside.9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?Ahhhhhhhhhhh, probably AJR?10) What was the last lie you told?Shit, idk11) Do you believe in karma?Kind of12) What does your URL mean?Its a pun. Patroclus, my favorite Greek hero, but instead of "clus" its "cool".13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?Hmmmm, musicals are my weakness, but also my strength.14) Who is your celebrity crush?:( im aromantic15) How do you vent your anger?Bottle it up:)16) Do you have a collection of anything?Yes17) Are you happy with the person you've become?Lmaooooo hell no18) What's a sound you hate; sound you love?Hate: screams of childrenLove: the silence after the children stop screaming19) What's your biggest "what if"?What if I hadnt absorbed my twin in the womb?20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?Yes and yes21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.Couch. More couch.22) Smell the air. What do you smell?My dogs are wet:/23) What's the worst place you have ever been to?Nebraska/Iowa24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender?Hnnn, idk, Kara Lindsey is pretty, those girls who played the girl newsies are pretty too, I cant remember their names25) To you, what is the meaning of life?4226) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?Yes, no27) What was the last movie you saw?I just saw Coco on Wednesday and it was amazing!!!28) What's the worst injury you've ever had?I had to get 6 stitches in my knee after falling down a hill.29) Do you have any obsessions right now?Newsies.30) Ever had a rumor spread about you?The girls soccer team in middle school hated me and would constantly bully and exclude me bc they all said I was a lesbian.31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?Yes.32) What is your astrological sign?Cancer33) What's the last thing you purchased?Popcorn at the movies.34) Love or lust?:/ im aro ace35) In a relationship?See above36) How many relationships have you had?Idk37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?I dont have a secret weapon. I just hope.38) Where is your best friend?I have several best friends39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?Watching Brooklyn 9940) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?Idk, I think so? I'd probably annoy myself.41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?Fuck the job, I'm saving the dog42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?A) I would tell all the people that matter bc they deserve to know, b) whatever I have the money to do, c) yes and no43) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?Sober Up - AJR44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?Idk, communication?45) How can I win your heart?:(46) Can insanity bring on more creativity?Yeah47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?Idk, probably going to my current school48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?"The body ain't here, bitch"49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "heart."Blood50) Basic question; what's your favorite color/colors?Blue and red51) What is your current desktop picture?I dont have a computer52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?The grown up annoying orange, of course.53) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?Idk man54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?Unlimited wealth! Of be able to help so many fucking people55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?Idk:/56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?I'd make sure my dad's new wife never fucking touched my sister. 57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?I'm ace58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?To Nass!!59) Ever been on a plane?Yes60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities.Uh idk, anyone on the newsies cast I guess?