#y'all have noticed that i am reblogging and liking things just not updating my own shit

[vaspider]

Intro Post, updated March 1, 2023

I post all asks under the name they were submitted under, and I post them when I feel like answering them. I will never honor a request to answer an ask privately or anonymously. Anon is never turned on. These are hard self-care boundaries. Please block the tag "harassment tag" if you don't want to be subjected to some of the horrible shit I get sent sometimes.

If you like what I do, please consider hiring me, consider buying something from NerdyKeppie (the shop I own with my spouse - we do custom work!), consider buying me a coffee or becoming a Patron or tossing some money in my PayPal tip jar. I am a disabled, queer, fat, Jewish non-binary butch whose entire income is derived from selling Quality Queerwear via our company NerdyKeppie (we also offer patches of all sorts, nerd gear, etc -- if you don’t see it, ask!), Patreon (queer fiction for a dollar) and freelance work.

If asking me to boost a post for you, ask at most once per week, and please don't make that the only way you interact with me, or follow me just to send an ask that I boost your posts. I notice, and I'll end up just blocking you if you make me feel "used." It's gross, y'all. I'm glad to help, but don't use me. It's getting to a point where I'm starting to feel pretty gross about it, and I'm one of the more relaxed ppl about boosting posts, so please don't put me in a position where I feel like I have to stop doing it.

I will not debate my identity or its history with anyone. I am a transmasculine non-binary butch lesbian, a cripple, a dyke, and lots of other things, too. You don't get a vote in that, and if any of those words are words you can't stand to have someone use around you in reference to himself, go ahead and block me. I won't censor my identity for your comfort; I took a long time becoming proud of who I am.

No, I am not an anti or an anti-anti. Literally no one cares about these distinctions outside of Tumblr. Please leave me alone. I am not going to have that conversation. No is a complete sentence.

I’m not interested in interacting with TWERFs, SWERFs, or any sort of exclusionary LGBTQ/queer people. Y'all are exhausting.

Do the work to root out TERF/2nd-wave "man bad woman good" philosophies from your head. Do the work to root out the gendered behavior you were taught. I am not here to raise other people's children.

I am not here to raise other people's children. My daughter is an adult and I am done being responsible for the experiences of a minor. If you read or interact with me, you acknowledge that you chose to do that and I can't control what happens to what I post once I post it on my Tumblr. People will reblog it and I can't control where it ends up. I can only control what I say in my space, which I do.

Curate your own online experiences. If you don't like seeing what I write, then add 'vaspider' to your "filtered content" list and don't bother me about it. Tumblr is a 17+ environment and I am not responsible for you seeing things you don't like. Adults having adult conversations do not need to be filtered for children. This is your notification.

I’ve been Out for over 30 years. I don't tolerate lectures from strangers, especially people half my age, about history I lived through.

I'm transmasc and if you believe transmisandry/transandrophobia aren't "real things," or that transmascs aren't "really oppressed," please just leave me alone. Oppression Olympics are bad, actually.

My immediate family consists of my partners, my adult daughter, and our dogs.

No one in my immediate family is cis or het. I have been called Spider for 20+ years, & now a lot of people call me Mama Spider. Mom is a role, it need not be gendered.

This is a lot shorter than it used to be. I don't really feel like posting paragraphs explaining stuff anymore.

My icon has lore, apparently.

I post all asks and anon is never turned on.

[icarusignite]

An Eye for an Eye (part 19)

A/N: Winter break is over so the updates will be less frequent. I was thinking maybe every Sunday. Comments and reblogs are appreciated, I love hearing y'alls thoughts <3

Word Count: 3245

All chapters: MASTERLIST

Aemond stood speechless for a moment, gaping at Daenys. A muscle in his jaw clenched as he tried to find his voice, tried to find a response to what she had said.

"Forget I said anything. It is not like you would understand the sentiment anyways. It is obvious you missed that lesson husband."

"Love does not need lessons," Aemond finally responded.

Daenys scoffed at him and then turned to Helaena with a smile, "I must take my leave now. I do hope for your discretion regarding all this. It is best it not be known that I was here tonight."

"Wait you can't go," Aemond stated abruptly.

"Oh? And who is going to stop me? Do not tell me it will be you. This is not Storm's End and I am not afraid to shed blood here if you so much as come near me!"

Aemond swore internally. Why was it that he always ended up saying the wrong thing around her. Whatever he said only seemed to make her angrier and he didn't know how to convey that his words came from a place of concern, that he was worried about her. He could not bear the thought of sending her home in the condition she was in right now, bruised and bloody from saving his own family when he could not be there for them. He owed her that much, although if he was being honest, this was about more than who owed what to whom. He had already allowed her to leave injured from King's Landing before, and it was one of his greatest regrets, he could not do it again.

"You're hurt. That is what I meant. Let me get the maester for your wounds."

Daenys raised an eyebrow in appraisal, "Since when did you care about whether or not I was hurt."

Since always.

She would only scoff at him if he told her that so he settled for a shrug, "We owe you this. We cannot let you leave like this, not after what you have done for Helaena."

Helaena nodded in agreement, "Oh yes. Don't go just yet Daenys, please. What if you bleed out on the way."

Daenys smiled at her aunt, "It is barely a graze. I will not bleed out. But I really must be going now. I do not want anyone to notice that I am gone."

"It is already quite late. I'm sure no one will notice if you're gone a bit longer. I promise it won't take too long. Let me repay you for saving my son's life."

"Helaena! There is nothing to repay. And besides, I'd rather not see the master again. Let me just slip out without much more fuss. Please."

"Let me do it then..." Aemond interjected.

"What?"

"Let me take care of your injuries."

"No! No there's no need. I'm fine, really," Daenys took a quick step backward and was unable to hide the grimace that crossed her face when she accidentally put her weight on her bad leg.

"You don't look fine to me," Aemond pointed out.

"Well, it's none of your business anymore is it?"

Daenys turned around to leave but was stopped once again by Helaena's fingers around her wrist. She cursed Helaena and her gentle hands, hands that could make her do anything truly.

"If you won't see a maester, then at least let my brother do it. I'm sure he knows how to, he has suffered countless scrapes from his sparring matches," her aunt looked at her with pleading eyes.

"Helaena...I can't."

"Daenys please...I can't bear to see you hurt. Do it for me, just this once."

Sighing, Daenys gave her the smallest nod. Helaena took her niece's face in her hands and kissed her cheek as she thanked her. Aemond on the other hand watched their exchange silently. He couldn't quite identify the feeling that surged up in him when he saw his sister's lips press against his wife's skin. It was a dark and bitter feeling that left him feeling unsettled. He almost laughed then, for how pathetic of a man he must be if he was jealous of his own sister, of his wife's affection for her. Perhaps it was the knowledge that she'd never let him hold her like that again, that left that strange hollow ache in his chest. He was nudged out of his internal musings by Helaena as she gestured for him to go and retrieve the supplies he would need to bind Daenys's wounds.

Once Aemond had returned to the chambers, Helaena returned to her children's side, leaving her brother alone to help his wife. Daenys stood stiffly, looking anywhere but at him, wishing she had asked Helaena to help her instead. It would be unfair to ask her that though, she had already been through so much.

"You're going to have to sit down," Aemond pointed to the armchair in the corner of the room.

Daenys begrudgingly settled into it, her irritation rising at the fact that it was in the furthest corner from where her aunt was. The distance and the dim lighting of the room made it feel like she was alone with Aemond and it unsettled her. It had been a while since she had been alone with him and she wasn't quite sure how to act. A voice inside her head that she was sure was Daemon's told her to plunge her dagger into his heart the moment he was distracted but she supposed it would be a show of bad faith to try and kill someone who was trying to fix her up. And besides, her dagger was still buried in the assassin from earlier. She couldn't kill him even if she had wanted to. To his credit, Aemond did not try to talk to her as he sat on his knees at her feet and began to examine her. The gash in her calf was still bleeding sluggishly through the slit in her trousers and he used a knife to cut the fabric at her knee. The cold metal kissed her skin and Daenys shivered. Then he dipped the cloth into the bowl of warm water he had brought, pausing for a moment before pressing it to her injury. Daenys let out a hiss, her hand coming up involuntarily to squeeze his shoulder. Aemond mumbled a quiet apology and she pulled her hand away immediately as if she had been scalded. When he had finished wiping the cut clean, he put down the cloth and turned her leg over for a better look. That first touch of his fingers on her bare skin made Daenys flinch hard.

"You don't have to...I'm not going to hurt you, you know," he sighed softly.

"As if you could hurt me any more than you already have."

Aemond looked away, shoulders slumping slightly. When he had finished wrapping Daenys's leg, he looked up at her. She had her eyes squeezed tightly, teeth gritted, and her hands balled into fists tight enough to draw blood from her palms. He took that minute to allow his eye to trace over her features, at her furrowed brow that he couldn't help but want to press his thumb to and smooth out, and at the curve of her lips that still somehow managed to entice him despite being pulled into the most pained of grimaces. He looked at her lashes too, pale white lashes that brushed her cheeks and he felt a stab of guilt when he gazed at the eye that would remain closed forever. The scar that stretched across it was brutal, and yet it did nothing to deter from her appearance, not to Aemond at least, as he found himself selfishly admiring her. He tried to summon some of the animosity he had felt, back when his brother had suggested that she might have taken a lover, but he couldn't. Seeing her again, seeing how she had risked everything to save those dearest to him, made him realize that he just wanted to hold her again. To have her look at him with anything but disgust and revulsion. Then with a start, he noticed a single tear streaming down from beneath her closed eye.

"I'm sorry. Did I hurt you? Did I put too much pressure?"

Daenys shook her head wordlessly, not daring to speak. She was sure that her voice would tremble if she did and she did not want him to know that he had that effect on her. She gestured for him to continue, and so he did, moving up to do her arm next. She cursed her stupid traitorous heart that thumped painfully against her ribcage at his proximity. She felt like crying again, and it wasn't because of the pain. She couldn't even feel the pain anymore, not with the way his fingers ghosted over her skin, uncharacteristically gentle as he diligently cleaned and bandaged her cuts. More tears filled her eye and she squeezed it shut tighter to keep them at bay, angling her face slightly away from him. She wanted to burn away every inch of her skin that he touched. She wanted to set him on fire too but when that fateful day came, she wasn't sure she would be able to stop the flames from engulfing her too. This was the result of being born of dragon's blood she supposed, a penchant for flames and arson.

Oh, how she hated him. How she hated him for making her feel this way, for making her go to war against her very heart. How did you stop loving someone you have loved all your life? How did you forget how to love them? What a pathetic existence this was going to be, because for all the reasons she loathed him, could not forgive him, there was still that wretched corner in her heart that held him close, that made her admire the way his silken strands framed his face when he thought she wasn't looking, the part that resided in memories more than it did in reality. What a wretched existence to be sure, one steeped in guilt and self-loathing and a yearning for all that was gone and could never be again.

"Sorry, I'm going to have to have to..." Aemond lifted the corner of Daenys's tunic gingerly.

Daenys pressed her lips together tightly and nodded again, but when he lifted it higher she gasped in pain. The blood from the cut on her side had long dried and had plastered her shirt to her skin. Aemond mumbled another apology.

"Goddamnit, just do it and stop apologizing!"

When Aemond was finished, he looked at Daenys's form slumped in the armchair. His gaze fell on her bloody torn fingertips, but when he reached for them, she pulled away.

"What happened to them?" he asked.

"It doesn't matter. We're done here anyways."

"Right. Of course, as you wish."

Daenys stood and was promptly hit with a wave of dizziness. She stumbled and instantly there was a hand at her elbow steadying her. She looked up and was met with a dazzling amethyst eye looking down at her. Her lips pulled back in a sneer as she stepped back.

"You really don't need to try so hard. It won't change anything," Daenys scoffed.

"And your every action does not need to be doused in aversion. I already know you dislike me, do not rub it in every chance you get," Aemond returned with just as much heat.

Helaena appeared just at that moment as if sensing the tension. She gave her niece a once-over before reaching out to grab her hands.

"I suppose I won't be able to prolong your stay any longer?"

"No, I'm afraid I have to go now," Daenys responded apologetically.

"Will I ever see you again?"

"I...I'm sure my mother would be more than happy to host you at Dragonstone."

"I don't think I'd be allowed. But will you come to visit? The children do miss you so."

Daenys avoided eye contact, and Helaena sighed.

"You know what. Do not answer that Daenys. It'll break my heart to hear you say no, so go with the knowledge that I would very much like to see you again and perhaps that will convince you. They do say that absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Daenys laughed softly, "I do not need anything to make my heart grow fonder. It is already full of you."

Helaena placed a delicate kiss on the backs of Daenys's hands, "If that is indeed true, would you do something for me?"

"Anything."

"Take my brother with you."

"Wait what!"

"I meant, let him escort you, to your dragon. It'd make me feel better knowing you departed King's Landing without any more incidents."

"Helaena..." Daenys warned.

"You are the one who said that you could not refuse me, so do not refuse this final request."

"I should not have told you that."

"No you should not have, but you did. So grant me this. It would ease my nerves to see you safely escorted."

"Very well, if you wish it, so be it," Daenys wrapped her arms around her aunt in farewell.

Helaena watched her brother lead his wife out of her chambers through one of the numerous secret passageways that ran through the walls of the Red Keep. She had to admit, she hoped that sending them off together and giving them some time to be alone would help mend the tremendous rift between them. Their family had not been very lucky in terms of love. Her own mother endured her marriage to King Viserys in the name of duty and Helaena herself tolerated her marriage to her brother for that very same duty. Duty, honour and tradition, all came with stifling vows, and all required sacrifice. Aemond was the only one of them not bound to such a fate. Helaena had seen the way he looked at Daenys, like he couldn't believe she was real, like she would disappear if he looked away for too long. Daenys had once looked at him like that too, like he hung the very stars in the sky, but now her gaze was heavy with a sharp bitterness and rage so scorching, one would burn if they looked her in the eye too long. Such was the tragedy of life, Aemond was the only one of them who had found love and yet he did not have the good fortune to keep it.

_______________

The walk to the outskirts was a brief silent one and now that Silverwing had arrived, Aemond found himself wishing he did not have to let Daenys go again. He had given her his word though, and it would be a show of bad faith to repay her kindness to his nephews by forcing her to stay against her will.

"Will you go back then? To Dragonstone?" he asked.

"Where else is there to go?"

"I meant that you would return to your family? After everything they've done? After they tried to have Helaena's children killed. Children Daenys, they are only children who have never done any wrong in their life, and you're going back to them?"

Daenys smiled bitterly, "They're family. I thought you of all people would understand that. You stand by your family despite everything, and I stand by mine. It does not matter what they do, they are my family and I will be there to protect them till my dying breath, as you will be with yours no doubt?"

Aemond was quiet for a moment before speaking again, "I know it means nothing coming from me, but I really am sorry about that day."

"Don't-"

"No, this isn't about Lucerys. Although... I'm sorry about that too. But I'm also sorry about that day in Storm's End. I don't know what came over me. I should not have tried to force you to come with me. You don't have to forgive me, but I want you to know I am sorry."

"I see."

Aemond laughed, the sound laced with frustration, "There is nothing I can do that will convince you to forgive me is there?"

"Will you bend the knee to my mother? Will you come to fight for her claim?"

"Will you forgive me if I do?"

Daenys thought about it for a moment. Would she forgive him for Luke if he fought for her mother? She didn't think she could, not as long as she remembered the feel of her brother's hand in hers and the sight of his sweet smile. Not as long as she remembered Joffrey's blood oath of vengeance or the way her mother fell apart in her arms when she brought home Luke's remains, or even the haunted look of guilt in Jace's eyes that mirrored her own. Some wounds were too deep to heal without additional bloodshed, and some rifts were too wide to mend. She wondered if she would be able to pretend though. Without Vhagar and Aemond on their side, Aegon and the pathetic Hightowers had no chance. She supposed that if it helped her cause she might be inclined to pretend she had forgiven him; she might even learn to truly forgive him, one day.

"If I say I'd forgive you, would you do it? Would you change allegiances?"

Aemond's silence was response enough, and Daenys felt foolish for even asking.

"Forget I said anything. I don't know why you asked. We both know that you wouldn't anyways."

"You don't get to say that," Aemond's eye snapped to hers, alight with indignation. "Do you have any idea what your family had done? From the very beginning, they have lorded their privilege over us all and pretended that they were above the law. You want me to fight for your mother hmm? The very mother who threatened to have me sharply questioned as a child for rumours that the entire castle was spewing. I was an injured child and my very own father did not care enough about me to ask if I was alright, to ask me about how I felt. Goddamnit, I never meant to kill him, but it is unfair that your brother was never even punished for what he did to me. Instead, I was the one punished even though I was the one who was hurt. I was punished for supposedly stealing Vhagar but she chose me. You know that no one can impose their will upon a dragon. She chose me and I was hers more than she was mine. And my mother is the only one who ever stood up for me. So no, you do not get to vilify me for choosing to stand by her now. Why would I ever fight on the side of the people who have ever only hurt me and those I care about?"

"I have never hurt you. I have always stood by you. What about me?" Daenys tried her best to keep the tears at bay, to stop the tremble in her voice.

"That is not enough."

"You mean I am not enough?"

Aemond shrugged. Daenys nodded to herself once as if confirming something to herself and turned around to climb onto her waiting dragon. With her back turned to him, Aemond allowed himself a last look at her, and before he could stop himself he reached out to snag a strand of her silver hair and held it against his lips for a moment. A farewell kiss of sorts. She didn't seem to notice, and then she was up and gone, her dragon carrying her away from him once again.

Both Aemond and Daenys were destined to live with blood on their hands, but whether the blood that stained them would ever be each other's remained to be seen.

_______________

Taglist (comment to be added/removed):

@m1tzifa1ry @blulemonades @bietchz @bugheadskid @applepyesworld  @mrswhitethornbelikov @mysingularitybts @caspianobsessed @lotr-got @theekinslayer  @vaf24 @feiwelinchen @dangerousbluebirdpoetry @hanabbrmpg  @issybee0611 @lyannesworld @moni-cah @akinatrix @carryonmywaywardho  @queenofbeingdepressed   @cateyesinlove @frozenhuntress67  @bregarc @spicykimchii @stargaryenx @linevondensternen @koobratzy

[bellaxgiornata]

13, 18, 20! You don’t have to answer all three at once though ❤️

Ahh thank you for the asks!! 💕 I appreciate the distraction! It's at least still got me thinking about fics! Though I might answer 18 in another post since I saw it asked by someone else! And also, these are long-winded replies. Which is why my answers are below the cut because this one got long real fast 😅 Wouldn't be me if I didn't over-explain though!

13. What are some must-read fanfics in your fandoms? Why do you admire these, and how have they impacted your works?

So there are a TON of fics that I would highly recommend from so many incredible authors in the Daredevil fandom that it would take me a bit to assemble a list right now. I honestly need to make a new Matt Murdock fic rec list and sit my ass down and catch up on reading for it. I know there's a ton of newer Matt Murdock fic authors and I'm dying to read y'all's stuff, too. Like I have a massive TBR list. Obviously anything y'all see me reblog I always highly recommend, though sadly I haven't read many fics this whole year because I kid you not, I'm almost always writing and editing in my free time. Which is how I constantly have so much to update every week.

Most of the fics I've read are over on AO3 as well, but the main Daredevil story that comes to mind when I think of one having an impact on my writing is The Red Thread by @pastafossa. I know, I know. It's like classic Daredevil literature at this point and everyone in the fandom has most likely read it or heard of it, but in all honesty, without that fic I'd never have started writing for Matt at all (and sadly I actually am SUPER behind on it because, as I've said, I haven't read much this year 😅). I remember first stumbling on it last fall and being like HOLY SHIT THAT WORD COUNT! And then being SO CONFUSED why it was written in second person as I read it, but everything was so goddamn good--the plot, the characters, the relationships--that honestly I stopped noticing the POV. It took me MONTHS later to discover that was what a Reader insert fic was (because it truly is such a beautiful blend of OC/Reader that I could only ever hope to aspire to). That was the first Reader fic I read and I didn't realize it until I stumbled further into the Matt/Reader section way later on AO3. But honestly, once I caught up on that fic, I was desperate for more Matt Murdock content and was just like, what the hell, I'll try my hand at writing a Daredevil story, too. Thus Life Worth Living came about and every Matt series I've written after that. So TRT honestly had a massive impact on me ever stepping foot into this fandom, especially with the way Pasta writes Matt (and smut, if we're being honest cause 🔥).

20. What’s your favorite work you’ve ever written?

Y'all are probably expecting me to say FFTD or ATY but it's actually Life Worth Living. Admittedly I cringe a bit at the writing in the beginning chapters compared to what I write now because I started it last November, though it has progressively matured a little more as I continued on writing it (and I stopped overusing ellipses which I am desperately trying to edit through as I re-post that fic over on tumblr). But that was the first fic I'd written where I really had come up with so much of my own plot and such a fleshed out OC. It was the first fic I really got excited about writing, and it was the first fic that really drew me back into writing fanfiction after a couple of years away from it. It's also the fic that helped me fall in love with Matt even more as I explored his character when I first started writing him, and it is the first fic where I'd ever written smut. I also spent so much time crafting so many plot twists along with so many little bread crumb clues of things that were coming down the line in that story. Like, I spent a lot of time and put a lot of love into that series--more than I had for anything else before. Though sadly when I re-entered fanfic after a few years away, I learned that OCs are not as popular as they once were, so that fic has been set aside for a bit while I've been working on all these Reader insert fics. Though someday I'd like to come back to it. I've had the next two chapters sitting as rough drafts since April now...

[penname-artist]

Making this post late cuz I forgot to (also I spent the whole evening after I'd known about it reblogging pictures of nature for the rest of y'all to drown in (you're welcome I'm not sorry)) but essentially, after having this thing up for, what, a year and some odd amount of change, AO3 (or whoever filed a complaint at me) decided my fanfic overview was not fit for AO3. Unfortunately this is also not the first time I've gotten a piece taken down from the site, so rather than a warning, this one did actually result in a temporary suspension from posting any new works or editing any pre-existing ones. I hate to disappoint but this does mean all my works are currently in stasis until they're able to be updated again. I'm hopeful to use this downtime to build up a small library of works that I can post once I am allowed to again. Wishful thinking given the level of not-okay-ness I've had this week, but I'm still optimistic.

And honestly, while I am still pissy at the situation and the fact that they've only chosen now (a year plus later) to address it, I do still fully understand Ao3's reasoning behind taking this piece down, as it was not in itself a fanfic. It was a collection of information around other fanfics. Which counts as listing and isn't an adequate form of fanworks for the site. I hadn't known this fact prior, however, because the section of text that tells you what you can and can't post to AO3 is so hard to find it took me twenty minutes just to figure out where it even was. For safety's sake I may take down my old Tidbits collection too and leave it as a Tumblr-exclusive (it works better on Tumblr in any case). But that won't be until the lift, since again, I...can't edit my shit, so. Stasis it be for the time being.

And on the part of the fact it took that long to even address it, I really don't know where to be mad in the first place; I don't know if this was simply on the part of the staff not having noticed it up until now, or on the part of an AO3 user putting in a complaint and they're just now getting to it. Whatever the reasoning, it sucks that this is only being put on me now. Honestly as a personal opinion I think it would be nice to have a drop-down in the post section of AO3 with a refresher on what does and doesn't count as fanworks. But that's just me. And at least the suspension time isn't crazy, it'll be gone by mid-June, and it's not like I can't still use AO3 in general, I can do all but post or update my own works. In the grand scheme of things this really was just a slap on the wrist, so it won't affect much else.

So yeah that's what's up at the moment y'all, not much else to report other than depressive episodes suck, and I have crocheted a mini Pen that you'll see when her hair's sewn in and I finish crocheting her some pants. But you'll eventually see it! I'm very proud of it.

Yeah anyways I'm gonna go get ready for work now LOL

[belethlegwen]

Hello! First of all, I just want to say to both of you guys (Potato and Katrina) that I love you both so much. You're wonderful, and I adore seeing y'all in my notifs or crossing my dash in some way or another. It means the literal world to me to think I've made an impact at all on people like you and your words are so wildly sweet that when I read them early this morning I wanted to cry. For real. Katrina, thank you so much. I know we don't interact directly often, but god you make me so happy. I DO want to apologize for not having been able to sit down and really be able to crack back into Faerie Spell in the ways I want to for that narrative and for Daphne (I find I need to like, strongly rewire my brain in order to do 1st Person Perspective, but that's a long winding thing and I won't detail it here) but just know that I AM still hoping to get that drive again once I'm done like, losing my house and everything else going on in my life right now haha, to continue that story. If you ever wanted to talk about it, I would LOVE to, if that might be something you would be interested in while I can't free the time and energy and focus right now to actually write it <3 Potato, my man, you do so much to help keep me going I can't even explain it hahaha <3 I still think about how you reached out because you noticed the post dates went by and I hadn't had the mental capacity (and was still actively in the shitstorm) to update, and it was very very nice to know that people cared. Thank you, again, from the bottom of my heart for liking what I've written and put out there, for wanting more, but somehow through it all caring about me as a person as well. That means a lot. This is all to say that if I only ever got two notes on anything I ever did, if it was from you guys? It would still be more than enough for me. Below the cut are some of my personal, rambling, potentially incoherent thoughts on the original subject of the post, but I felt it was important to tell you guys straight-out that I love you and want the best for you both in your lives, strangers we may be in this weird internet. I hope something happens today that makes you smile or lets you take a moment to breathe and enjoy the world around you <3

Below: Writing, Art and Engagement

Opinions From a Weird Canadian

All of this conversation, despite not necessarily being new (I've been seeing discussions or mentions of this since I joined back in summer of 2021), has made me realize especially as of late that I have also fallen prey to 'engaging' with art more than writing, and I'm going to be putting in more effort to avoid that. My personal, reflective realizations about this have come down to these:

I've fallen into the trap of 'if I reblog it, it means I endorse it and am recommending it to my followers', and also my own personal nature (which is highly probably autistic in some variety) of 'I need to experience this in a way I deem 'full' before I can believe I 'endorse it'. Which is ridiculous. It DOES take me less time to look at a picture and go "ah, yes, the followers and mutuals will likely enjoy this" than it does to read a new chapter/short story while I'm scrolling in my few minutes at work and come to the same conclusion, BUT, it's stopping me from sharing things that I now realize I should be sharing anyway. Even if I haven't been reading them because I don't have the focus, energy or time right now with everything going on, I know that @not-a-space-alien's works are good! I support them!! Even if I'm not reading them right now!! I love @entomolog-t's Bite Me story to bits, I know that she's a fantastic writer, so even if I haven't read INSTAR or any others, I should still be reblogging them.

I think, in my case, I got too in my head about sharing things that maybe even I wouldn't 100% enjoy personally? But unless it's going to be something that gives me intense ick (a personal thing that I don't want to impress on other people who enjoy the thing) or that I personally feel conflicted about (again, personal reasons why I wouldn't want to share it) then I'm going to be making the effort to share writing even if it's not something I have yet read, for whatever reasons I have for that.

I mean, this is my One and Only Blog (kinda? I have abandoned my 'hey friends who know the irl me, my twitter has moved *here*' tumblr blog, oops) so it is also a personal one. There's a lot of things I like, a lot of things that aren't specifically G/t, and a lot of things I'll toss in my queue. I'll reblog a lot of what I see if I like it enough to want to share. Not particularly G/t. So I also apologize to people who follow me specifically for G/t things and see me reposting random art or fashion, or just Posts I Think Are Neat And Rad.

As for how I feel about my own engagement levels or what have you: I am not an artist. I love art, I appreciate art, but I'm a writer. For me, personally, I am not a person who cares about notes or reach unless I'm worried that the person/people I want to see something haven't seen it and it might get lost. I live on a funky li'l rock with it's own half-hour timezone and so I'm posting shit outside of a lot of followers/mutuals Hours Of Operation on this site all the time. Other than that... I mean, I get more than enough engagement on my things to feel appreciated, especially when I get comments like the ones above ;-; These are stories I started writing for me. I decided to share them because the few that I had stuck my nose into and started to read on AO3/DeviantArt/abandoned forums/etc were my real gateway into letting myself write for me, and I thought 'if there's one person out there who can find my stuff and in that moment they need this itch scratched for whatever reason, they find something like mine that helps cater to their needs a bit more than just having to do it all themselves, it'll be worth it'. I never expected to see or hear anyone say anything about it. Especially with Small Date, I expected people to maybe read it but never engage because that was my first piece under my new life motto and it was rough and it was raw and it was something that I battled a lot of personal shame about when posting because of how blatant it was and how exposed it left me feeling to even like... think about. People in the G/t community have expressed before that, like me, sometimes this fascination, interest or even kink can cause them to feel weirdly ashamed, and I empathize with that. I'm fine with someone reading through my things and not wanting to leave a trail of any kind back to a personal part of them they might not want to share with those around them.

That said, my own ambivalence toward engagement is personal. Other people love to see their work be recognized, and love to put more into their work specifically to help bring visible, tangible enjoyment to others. That's fantastic, I love that.

In short, I'll be doing my best to help make sure that people get that in the future. I might not be able to leave tags (a lot of time I'm browsing on my phone between clients at work and don't have time to start mobile-typing tags before reblogging), but I will be sharing things that might be of interest to people who follow me, even if I can't make the time to read them myself yet.

Sorry for how long this got, but: I love you all, take care of yourselves, you deserve nice things <3

~ Belle

An opinion about g/t media and the consumers.

Never thought fast-consumed media (pictures and drawings) will become most of what the g/t community is based on now. Back in the day you could read and sometimes you would see decent art here and there. Now? If you do not draw you don't get any notes. No one seems to care enough about your writing if you don't create art for it, of it or before it. I'm taking this off of mainly @entomolog-t 's posts as of right now (sorry for the tag, I do not mean to bother you with my meaningless rambling). But. I see their posts about their characters at least a hundred times a day; the art. ALWAYS the art. I started reading the actual stories and I was confused why those posts didn't have as many notes; simply, people care about the characters enough to like the g/t art made about them, but not enough to actually sit down and read about them. Most g/t writers are swept under the rug, even if their stories are incredibly, because they do not have art that includes g/t in it. And that says a lot to me. I value the artist, you can see how much time and effort goes into the art. But. Where is the value to the writers? Those that sit down and put in so much effort to please the people that love their character, only to be let down by only getting the half amount, if that, of the notes they, or artists receive on art. It makes me feel weird. Kinda makes the effort meaningless if you see posts about scribbles, G/T SCRIBBLES, get hundreds of notes, but amazing writing about 40 notes.

As someone who loves to write and put myself out there, it sucks the hope out of me, knowing because I can't draw, I'll never be recognized. And before you think 'oooh someone's jealous', no. Just simply, frustrated. Frustrated at how media works.

Now, I do not need to be flooded with hate comments, but I would love to hear other's opinion about this.

[zoeytheweeb]

Birthday (sort of an update)

As of today, October 22nd, I am now a year older, which has reminded me that I was supposed to drop a one-shot for my bday LAST YEAR but I have not done so (I also need to release the next chapters of #notmychatnoir and K-12). Obviously I’m not posting it today cuz if this shitty year has taught me anything it’s that I should spend as much time with my family as I can because I have already lost and almost lost multiple family members already due to COVID-19 and natural causes that some family members were dealing with for years. (Don’t worry, I’ve already grieved and moved on and the family members that were almost lost are all okay now, sort of.) So yeah I’m spending this day celebrating with my immediate family since I live with them lmao.

But yeah, I’m still alive and I will finish these stories. It’s just going to take a while. Might be next week or next month, might not be. At this point, I can’t really give a set date, though I promise that I am trying to finish them.

Happy birthday to me, thanks y’all for still following me, and stay safe!

[intrepidacious]

a look ahead

my loves, i've had some time away from this site and it's given me a bit more clarity as to what i want my blog to look like in the future. i don't know if this comes out of nowhere to any of you because i don't tend to announce my decisions to the internet, but since this is going to (directly or indirectly) impact y'all, i thought it was only courteous to tell you that there'll be some changes made around here in the next couple of weeks.

what is that going to look like?

come september, i am going to start blocking minors as well as ageless, blank and/or empty blogs.

apart from a writing challenge submission i'm set on finishing, i'm not going to be posting any fics for a little while.

sadly, that also means time after time is officially going on hiatus for now.

i've been thinking about these things for some weeks now and even though i feel like i'm letting people down in a way, i feel like this is the right move for me at this point.

there are several reasons for all this, if anyone cares <3

why block minors if you don't write explicit stuff?

excellent question. the truth is that i considered making my blog 18+ a year ago when i created it, but didn't. the main reason for that was that even if someone puts an age in their bio, i have no way of double checking that, so i thought, why bother. but the truth is that i've grown uncomfortable with the thought of literal children interacting with me, whether i post explicit stuff or not (and i have reblogged explicit fics more than once). i don't want to have to worry about these things when i'm just trying to enjoy my time on this corner of the internet. of course, i still have no way of checking this, but i still want to establish this boundary for my own mental wellbeing.

my main blog will remain all ages and i will continue posting on ao3, but i don't want any minors around on my writing tumblr anymore.

what about blank/empty blogs?

this is a trend i've only really noticed once i started posting my writing on here, and it seems to mostly pertain to the people who don't know how tumblr works and are unwilling to learn, or bots. just put something on your blog. if the only thing i can see on there is the list of people you're following and your likes – particularly if i can see that you're mostly liking fanfic but not reblogging anything – you're getting blocked. if you reblog fics with a sideblog, that's completely fine of course, but put something else on main then. support gif makers. support artists. support shitposters, i don't care. just reblog stuff. that's what this site is for.

what about your writing?

i told you only yesterday that i have a whole pile of wips right now, and i do, but the truth is that i'm exhausted. i put a lot of pressure on myself when it comes to my writing, and the truth is that i feel like that's part of the reason i think it's good, but it's simply not sustainable. i started a new job back in june, and i'm about to start working on my thesis, and what should be a hobby is burning me out. the same thing happened to my reading habit, and it's just sad to witness.

i'm currently hoping that by taking out the constant urge to post something, anything, but make it amazing, i can actually enjoy writing a lot more again. (don't get me wrong, i still enjoy it, i really do, but i need to do it without the whole immediacy part of it for a while i think.)

what does this mean for time after time?

i mean, let's be real here, updates have been scarce at best anyway. i started this series with a lot of momentum and then slowly teetered to a standstill against my best intentions. again, i hope that by taking away the pressure to post as fast/good/much as possible, i will find myself doing it more again, and doing it more gladly.

this series truly is my everything and i will finish it, but i want to have a few chapters already pre-written the next time i post a part. that way, i hope there won't be as much time between updates, either. depending on how long it takes me to get to this point, i might do a weekly chapter reblog or something to remind y'all what was going on lmao

*

hope y'all understand and i'm sorry if this is disappointing but it's my blog and i'm asking you to respect my boundaries. kay thanks bye <3

[ialwaysgobacktoit]

Time to rest your weary head: The End!

FIRST AND FOREMOST; I KNOW it took me a DAMN LONG TIME to update this, but lemme explain: This was my first fanfiction ever written in english, my first Gwynriel long-fic and the first fanfic I ever published and I didn't want to finish it (although I knew it must come to an end)

I am so grateful for all the love, likes, kudos on AO3, comments and reblogs I've been getting since I first started posting it. You have NO IDEA how much it meant to me; I've always found myself a little insecure to post my own fiction work, but this one have payed off and it's all thanks to you guys!!!!

To @katiebellf the one who lovingly suggested WRITE A FANFICTION OUT OF THIS bday headcanon and i sure as hell did!!! To @madie2200 and @starbornsinger for being so supportive and always making sure I'd get feedback, and to @thecrispypotatochip for your constant reblogs with your opinions + to every kind soul out here in this crazy virtual space that made sure to make me feel loved! (i see you all, and i love you)

ANYWAY, that's it guys! <3 This chapter of my life is finally over (ik i'm being HELLA DRAMATIC but put up with me!!!!! i love gwynriel!!!!) and I can't wait for you to see what's to come :) (btw i know i'm technically LATE since here in my brazilian timezone it's 1AM but think on the bright side... I hope y'all have a great dinner/breakfast/lunch surprise :)

Chapter List here and my personal Gwynriel hymn that inspired the title of this fic RIGHT HERE

PART 15: FINAL.

Azriel knew what he had to do.

As he beheld the circle of people in front of him all gathered around the dining table, his family, he felt a sense of calmness and quietude he hadn’t for a long, long time. His eyes quickly landed on Gwyn, who was motioning for him to sit by her side.

It was dinner night at the River House, and he had it all planned out. His shadows bounced around his shoulders as he took the seat next to his mate. As she engaged in a conversation with Emerie and Feyre, Nesta and Cassian leaned on each other, Rhys played with Nyx while Mor and Amren discussed about something he couldn’t bring himself to care about, he felt at ease. Peaceful.

Gwyn held his hand under the table, and he let his shadows hung around her freely. It was almost as they belonged to her, and not him. They had started doing it a lot more often, so the Inner Circle was supposed to be more used to it by now. Still, Azriel ignored Amren’s inquisitive eyebrow and turned his gaze to his mate; those teal eyes were eyeing him, and she squeezed his hand, giving him an almost imperceptible nod; a go-ahead sign.

Just like they had previously talked.

“There’s something you should know” Azriel started, immediately earning the attention of almost everyone at the table, since it wasn’t every day he opened up like that. Only Gwyn kept staring at her lap, a faint blush on her cheeks.

“Is everything ok?” Nesta was the one who asked.

“We’re mates.” She blurted out, startling him – and everyone around, for that matter. He looked at her, amused, and then at the confusion that reigned across the table. In a second, a squealing Nesta and Emerie lunched forward and embraced his mate in a tight and equally loud hug, while Cassian spitted his drink, Mor clapped and Amren muttered a “tell me something new”, quietly smiling and raising her glass at Azriel anyway.

Only Rhys and Feyre stood in silence at their spots at the table, knowing smiles mirrored on their faces quickly noticed by Nesta, still with her arms around Gwyn.

“Why are you two so quiet?” Her eyes missed nothing, raising her chin at her sister and her mate. Rhys merely took a sip from his drink.

“They already knew.” Azriel found himself saying, and Nesta’s stare darted to him, and then to Gwyn, who was still flushed from all the fuss.

“And you knew they knew?” She furrowed her brows; he couldn’t identify if her tone was menacing or curious, but Gwyn wasn’t the one to feel intimidated by it, given the way she chuckled in response.

“It was all me.” Rhys raised his hands. “It was an accident; I didn’t mean to pry.”

“I need to train more on my mental shields, apparently.” It was all the priestess admitted, but kindly smiled at Rhysand and Feyre from across the table. “The High Lo- Rhysand, I mean- kept it safe for me. He found out earlier than Azriel did.”

“You were the one to realize first?” Nesta sat again at her spot besides Cassian, and turned to her friend surprised. Gwyn smiled smugly.

“By a short amount of time” Azriel couldn’t help but grunt out, unconsciously falling into their usual banter.

Her warm eyes landed on him, and she winked, still with that Cauldron-damned smile on, causing shivers all over him.

“Still” She shrugged irreverently and smirked playfully. “I knew it before you. Quite the Spymaster, huh?”

If everyone else at the table stilled slightly at her words, all but Cassian, who bellowed in laughter, Azriel couldn’t notice. Not when his mate’s stare was unfaltering, with that challenging look in her eyes she knew he loved. He immediately found himself joining his brother, again not caring if it was the first in a damn long time his family even heard him laugh like that.

Some time passed between casual conversation and sips of wine. In that time, Azriel was secretly arranging his next words in his mind. Just like Gwyn and he had previously discussed, the news went well; as deep down, he knew it would. His family had understood and cherished them both, and Azriel reveled in the peace it brought him, quietly admiring those people around him.

When his eyes landed at Gwyn, though, deeply immersed in conversation with Rhysand, he took in a deep breath, determined. There was still one more thing he had to do, one more thing she wasn’t yet aware. Something he knew, in his heart, was the right thing to do. Was the best thing he could do.

“Rhys” He called, and Gwyn immediately turned her head to him, eyes shining with pure curiosity. “There’s one more thing.”

He leaned in closer to his brother, resting his arm behind Gwyn’s chair. Rhysand’s expression was equally intrigued, but his voice was calm and collected when he answered: “Shoot, brother.”

“I need a break.”

“Oh?” Rhysand’s eyebrows shot up with surprise.

“Oh?” Gwyn echoed quietly.

Her burning gaze made him tear his eyes from Rhysand and stare back at her; something was glimmering in her teal ocean eyes. He couldn’t discern what it was. The rest of his family was still talking to each other, though the conversation had dimmed a bit.

“I have well trained spies all over the country; I could spend the rest of this week getting them ready to take my place for a little while. I’d be back in two weeks, if you’d let me.” Azriel continued.

Rhysand smiled broadly and promptly retorted: “What about two months?”

Gwyn gasped beside him. Something stirred within Azriel’s chest. Two whole months, with Prythian in the verge of a possible war, didn’t seem wise at all, and he was well aware of the fact.

But Cauldron-damn him, he wanted that. Needed that.

Suddenly, a vision of a shining blue lake under the afternoon sun came into his field of view. In his fingers, loose strands of a long copper hair, like burning fire under the sunlight. The only thing he could hear was the chirps of birds and the soft breathing of the young priestess who rested against his chest. For whatever reason, he could see it.

He felt his brother’s claws against his mental shield, bringing him back from his reverie:

You deserve it, brother. You two deserve this and more.

He had to blink away the tears that he felt coming up, swallowing the lump in his throat.

Then he looked at Gwyn, that smiling, powerful force of nature sitting next to him. He finally understood what that was in her eyes; the same thing Rhysand showed in his.

Pride.

And he knew his answer.

EPILOGUE

A few years later

Azriel woke up to soft humming. He squinted against the morning light, and frowned when he found the other side of the bed empty. His fae senses discerned the familiar voice coming from the bathroom, a voice he always seemed drawn to.

He lazily got up and followed the sweet melody that woke him up and lived in his dreams; leaning against the door frame, he watched as Gwyn slowly brushed her damp hair, the smell of lavender filling up the air:

"Hey, you"

Gwyn turned around, and smiled softly at him. That morning sight still made his heart flutter, even if it's been years now since they shared rooms in the House of Wind.

"Good morning, love" She neared him and placed a quick kiss on his lips. "What are you doing up? Thought you weren't tutoring today."

"I'm not" He hummed, embracing her. "But the bed was getting cold."

His arms felt perfect around her back as she placed her hands behind his neck.

"Ha-ha" She pouted, rolling her eyes at his little drama "My Ilyrian boy is missing me already? It's been less than fifteen minutes"

"What can I do? I love my mate and don't want her to leave me just yet."

She looked thoughtful, a playful smile on her lips: "Well, I suppose I still got time before I hit the library..."

In a second, Azriel was picking her up in his arms and carefully laying her on their bed as she laughed, and he admired just how flushed she got after a hot shower. Gods, he could never get tired of that view. He started peppering her face with kisses, trailing down her neck and smirking against her skin as he heard her sigh and claw her hands on his hair.

"Az..." She murmured after a few seconds.

There's something.

The fact that his shadows had to alert him that made his head shot up and stare into those deep eyes in front of him. She was still smiling, but faintly, and gently stroked his hair as if to soothe him.

He straightened up, leaning on an elbow to face her.

"What?"

"I think we should discuss something."

She seemed nervous, but her tone left nothing to the imagination. Whatever something that was, Gwyneth Berdara was already set on it.

He nodded, brows furrowed.

"You know I love you, and I'm so happy the way things are going. But lately, with you training Ren to one day replace you as Spymaster and me opening up the public library in Velaris, well..."

He swallowed, feeling his heartbeat fasten. But she only smiled further:

"I feel like we should do it now. Accept the bond."

Seconds passed and Azriel didn't know what to say, as he scanned her face for any kind of discomfort or insecurity. There was none. A jest, maybe? Could it be...

"I'm not joking, Shadowsinger. In case you're wondering."

She interrupted his thoughts, and brushed her hands against his hair once more, pulling him closer to her.

"Gwyn, you..." He was speechless, something in his chest glowing brighter and brighter he felt it could burst out of him any minute now.

"I want this, Azriel. And have been wanting it for a long, long time." She breathed in "Do you still..."

"Yes. Yes." He answered in a breathless laugh; the reality of it hitting him. They were doing it. Mates. Forever.

"Mating ceremony and all?" She joined him in laughter now, they both beaming. Azriel felt his cheeks hurt.

"Whatever you say, Gwyn. I'd love whatever you wish. I just want to be with you for the rest of my life." The words came rushing out, but he didn't care. Not when his mate closed the space between them and kissed him intently.

-----------------

Gwyn didn't go to the library that day, after all. They prefer focusing on other more... Urgent matters after their talk.

As they lay in bed together a few hours later, Azriel felt utter peace. He closed his eyes, savoring the feeling of Gwyn's body tightly embraced in him, her hair soft against his chin, her breathing even on his chest.

He suddenly remembered this ancient tune his mother used to sing to him when he was no more than a kid. It was a sweet, tender lullaby about peace and tranquility. The one song he always remembered to sing against the darkness. One that seemed to originate from every cell in his body, intrinsic to who he was.

Lately, that song's been bringing him comfort and solace for one more reason. And he was singing it to her now.

And if Gwyn didn't move, nor shift her position, he knew exactly why. Moments in which he sang were rare, since he much preferred to hear his mate's powerful voice. And that song, that one tune meant so much to him, he knew she could sense it. He could feel her smile against his chest.

His shadows expanded and retracted around them both, cocooning them in darkness and playing around the room; temporarily set free.

He felt himself slowly giving in to a peaceful slumber as he went on:

And you would say

"Time to rest your weary head

Take your wings and go to bed

I know you want to show it all, my darling"

And I'd say

"Set me down and rock me, rock me to sleep"

All he sensed before sleep took over him was one, single kiss against his cheek, and a soft whisper against his ear.

He loved her too.

[marypsue]

I hate leaving comments on fic I’m so worried I’ll focus on a part the author didn’t care about or didn’t even intend and not even mention the section they cared about writing and it’ll hurt their feelings

Nonny, I am going to tell you a secret that changed my life:

It's not your job to read the author's mind. It's not your job to read anybody's mind. If you're doing your best to be kind, and listening and trying to do better if people tell you you've made a mistake, that's your entire responsibility. Part and parcel. Soup to nuts.

Part of the reason why I reblog so much stuff about comments and fanart and various ways of appreciating our fellow fan-creators is because I know there are people out there like you who are nervous about doing or saying the wrong thing, and I want to show y'all what it looks like from this side (which is to say, like Halloween and my birthday both came at the same time and showered me in red velvet cupcakes with chocolate batwings). I am thrilled when people have enough feelings about something what I wrote that they feel they have to tell me about it, somehow, and I have zero expectations about it. It's a wonderful surprise every time, and when somebody who read something of mine notices or puts together something that I didn't think of or didn't think too hard about, it's like getting to experience my own writing from a reader's perspective. It is so cool to see what different things different people take away from a text!

But I know I can't speak for every writer, and there are some people out there who might take the view that you're afraid of coming up against. Which is where that secret comes in: it's not your job to somehow know which writer is which, and psychically divine which parts the writer really wants you to focus on and what, exactly, they want from feedback. You don't have to! Nobody I would consider worth any time or effort is going to expect that from you. You could, if you're feeling extraordinarily considerate and want to go an extra mile, ask writers what kind of feedback they prefer (do they want an extensive list of your headcanons and predictions and interpretations, or do they just want to squee about this imaginary world you've both encountered? Are they interested in hearing what you think about the nuts and bolts of their writing, or are they just pleased to know whether it got a reaction out of you?) but that would be really going above and beyond, and I don't think anybody expects that.

Most of the writers I know, whether or not they'd be a little disappointed if nobody mentioned That One Part I Worked So Hard On, understand that comments, feedback, kudos, all of it, is a gift. That whatever words a commenter might use, they took the time out of their day to let us know that a) somebody out there is actually reading these monsters we're pouring all our free time and energy into and b) (usually) they liked it enough to tell us so. That is a high and rare compliment and should be treasured as such.

(So long as you're not the person coming in five minutes after a chapter drops going 'Update?'. That's pretty much universally agreed to be rude. We get it! You're excited! You're eager! You're invested! These are good things! Please say one of them instead of just 'update?'.)

(Also, I think ao3commentoftheday has a post somewhere that offers sort of a script for leaving comments, for people who feel like they don't know what to say or where to start. Sadly I do not think I have it bookmarked or anything that would make it easier to find, but they do have a lot of very good, very encouraging stuff, both on the writer side and the reader side.)

[rightaboutit]

What taking testosterone will change: 

- how much body hair you’ll naturally grow (hint: a whole lot more)

- your muscle mass. you’ll gain muscle taking T, especially in the shoulders and you’ll lose body fat in the hips. it’s different to everyone how the body fat is redistributed but taking T is the best time to get in an exercise routine because you’ll gain muscle a lot faster. 

- your clit might get bigger within like the first two weeks. get ready for that because I wasn’t

- you could get mood swings when you first start because it’s Puberty: The Sequel

- within 3 months you’ll notice your voice begin to drop

-hunger and hot flashes. Hunger and Hot Flashes

- you may notice that a lot of anxiety is going away! that’s because testosterone (may possibly, this one is just my experience) can help mellow you out, and also some aspects of your dysphoria (high pitched voice, periods) are going away

What taking testosterone WON’T change:

-your aggression. you are not going to turn into some out-of-control rage beast. if you are, then you probably need to talk to your doctor about it. T can give you mood swings because of, like I said, you are going through puberty again, but it’s not going to make you an angry person. 

-your personality. i say this all the time, but deciding to transition does not equal deciding to be a brand new person. you are still you! in fact, transition means that you are becoming more you than ever! adding testosterone to your body is just something that you decided you’ve been missing to help you grow into the great person that you are!

-your overall health. of course, there are concerns when taking a new hormone, but if you look at the health risks, it’s mostly risks that cisgender men typically have. Increased heart issues? That’s a cisman thing. And the increased risk for problems in your ovaries/uterus? I mean, yeah, people who naturally produce the levels of testosterone that we are going for usually don’t have ovaries. So that one makes sense, you know?

Moral of the story is we need to stop scaring people who are taking hormones! Yes, it’s a big step and an important decision, but it’s has nothing to do with changing who you are on the inside. In the end, you are still who you are, just with a few different features! 

The stereotype that transgender men are sweet, soft boys before T and then afterwards are hairy, aggressive men is problematic and very tiring. 

EDIT: Since this has blown up, I want to say that the physical aspects are definitely based off my own experiences and what the given medical pamphlets say. Testosterone affects everyone differently! Each person will have variations and their own specialized journey!

UPDATE: y'all are at it again reblogging this so here's an "I've been on testosterone for four years update"

-I have just started being able to grow enough facial hair to have more than a chin-strap (this varies obviously with everyone's genes but oof guys)

-I switched from testosterone shots (1ml every two weeks) to testosterone gel (1 packet a day) and, like, a month afterwards, I started menstruating again. Very bad vibes but we are hoping that after I build up the hormone again it'll stop. However, I've learned that some forms of testosterone don't stop menstruation so talk to your doctor about that.

-I have accepted that some body hair that I now have, I just don't like! It's okay to shave as a trans dude! I don't want hair on my toes!

-I have also accepted that my dream body is that--a dream body. Testosterone isn't going to do everything we want it to. It may do things we don't want it to (see above)

-It has been four years and I am seen and accepted as a man and wow guys I could make a whole post about the social changes but thats for another day if yall actually want it. But my personality? has only changed as I've grown as a person. Not because of the HRT.

There is probably more but yes! Don't let people tell you HRT is scary! It is an important choice for trans people, but it does not define or alter who we are as humans. It just makes us very cool super humans (jk) (👀)

Message me if you have any other questions!

[maychorian]

Weekly Voltron Fic Recs #63

This isn’t really a full rec post, just sort of a wrap up of loose ends. You could say I’m going on hiatus from making recs until my situation changes and I have more time for fics. I’m just gonna stick the recs I hadn’t previously put in a list here, as well as some general recommendations, and finish up with Previously Recced Fics That Updated.

Rules: You can find past weekly rec lists here, and non-list recs in my general fic rec tag. Also follow @maychorianrecs for individually tagged posts, the easier to search and reblog. This is stuff I like, and I have a huge bias toward Lance, hurt/comfort, and general fluff, in that order. Gen unless otherwise noted. Please comment on the fics if you read and enjoy them!

A Sound Like Thunder by Bandity Words: 8,959 Author’s Summary: Hunk’s alone, stranded on a planet with no way to communicate and the world around him is being blown apart. But he knows his friends will come for him. Right? Part 2 of the Senses series, but you don’t have to read the first story to understand this one. My Comments: Absolutely fabulous hurt!Hunk fic with a hefty dose of hurt!Lance as well. The situation was incredibly tense and suspenseful, and the resolution was utterly satisfying. Poor Shiro, too. It’s all good stuff.

Smile by IcyPanther for Bandity Words: 3,661 Author’s Summary: Lance glanced at the mirror. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as he was remembering. Like, the first glance had freaked him out but it really wasn’t that noticeable. He worried his lip in indecision before finally making his way over to the mirror. He had to know. Just… just a peek. Without further ado Lance gave a tentative smile. And despair crashed down once more. My Comments: Poor Lance. Though his issue seems minor, it really isn’t. I love Hunk being there for him no matter what, and Keith trying hard to be a good friend even though he doesn’t really get it. And Coran swooping in at the end for the win, too. Great comfort all around.

Collect Call by LittleWhiteTie Words: 2,479 Author’s Summary: Unsure of what to do about Shiro, Lance calls Keith. The boy on the screen is wearing his old black t-shirt instead of his Marmora uniform; his bad hair is even messier than usual. “Did you need something?” Yes, but for once, Lance’s words have left him. What’s he supposed to say? Hey Keith, I want you to come home because I feel like something might be wrong with Shiro, but I can’t even figure out what the problem is—if there’s even a problem to begin with. Hey Keith, I want you to come home because I’m not you, and Shiro won’t talk to me again, no matter how hard I try. Hey Keith, I want you to come home because I miss you, and I don’t want to deal with this alone. Nope, not happening. “I—I can call back later.” My Comments: I love the way Keith and Lance’s friendship develops here. Very lovely post season 5 fic with great character development and realistic dialogue.

Sounds of Darkness by IcyPanther for CrownsofLaurels (laurel1020) Words: 8,635 Author’s Summary: Lance couldn’t see. Or hear. Or move. The silent darkness was all encompassing and it was pressing in; choking him, drowning him, blinding him. He screamed but it was swallowed whole into the void of nothingness. Lance trembled, pain shaking his limbs, and faintly wondered if he’d even made a sound at all. My Comments: Lance’s suffering in this one is particularly visceral, but the recovery and comforting afterward was suitably intense, as well. I’m a big fan of Shiro and Lance platonically cuddling. Totally worth it.

With All But His Soul by Resamille Words: 28,849 Author’s Summary: Somewhere along the line, Lance lost himself, replaced with something fierce and foreign. The worst part? He can’t bring himself to want to go back. Like this, he’s improved. He’s a fighter, a perfect soldier. No more nightmares. No more homesickness. No more weakness. It’s better, that way. He’s better. My Comments: This fic is dark. I’m not sure I like it, but I do admire it. It sucked me in and I couldn’t stop reading, even as dread and horror built inside me and I began to suspect that I would not enjoy the ending. And I didn’t. Still, it’s an amazing piece of fiction, very well-written and compelling, and if you’re in the mood for something tragic and disturbing, this is the fic for you.

Forge Fire by squirenonny Words: 19,745 Author’s Summary: Keith thought he’d passed the Trials of Marmora, but when he approaches Kolivan looking for information about his mother, he learns there are four more Trials to pass before he can call himself a Blade. Kolivan, Antok, and Thace watch as Keith undertakes the remainder of his Trials, and they remember their own Trials—a grueling ordeal from which no one emerges unchanged. They cannot aid him in the Trials, but they can help him prepare, and they can help him through the aftermath. After all, the Blades are kin, and kin does not let kin suffer alone. One part Dads of Marmora, one part Kolivan introspective. My Comments: I adore the worldbuilding and the emotions and the backstories and the characterization and everything about this, basically. Kolivan’s perspective is so warm and rich, and Keith’s desperation to belong is palpable. The ending was ridiculously satisfying, too, and I just… This story feels GOOD, y'all. You should definitely read it.

Faces of Home by IcyPanther for glitteringconstellations Words: 6,238 Author’s Summary: There were murmured, familiar voices when Lance awoke that quieted almost immediately when he blinked open his eyes. “Easy, easy,” someone soothed as he tried to sit up. Someone familiar. Lance gasped. “Mamá?” Because somehow… somehow he was home. / Lance is injured in a fight against the Galra and wakes to find himself in the care of his family. But… how did he wind up back on Earth? Something isn’t quite right… My Comments: I love it when Lance gets familial comfort and love, even from unexpected places. This got me hard in the feels. So good.

A Long Night by VelkynKarma Words: 2,359 Author’s Summary: A missing scene from “Failsafe.” Shiro takes care of a very ill Ryou while the others are away, but it’s not so easy to do when he just wants a few hours of rest for himself. My Comments: Part of a previously recced series. This installment is just straight cuddling and comfort in the middle of a horrible period in the story, and it’s everything I love. I adore this.

As Cold as Ice by A_Zap Words: 4,326 Author’s Summary: Keith scoffed when Hunk warned him and Pidge to never make Lance truly angry. After all, Lance wasn’t scary. He was like his element: flexible, playful, and able to let things go as easily as ripples in water. Plus, at the end of the day, he was too nice to ever really do anything when angry. Keith had forgotten that water could be just as terrifying and unforgiving as any wild fire. My Comments: Fun fic with Lance being scary and protective and Keith being astonished. Hunk and Lance are totally the scariest when they’re angry, I believe that absolutely.

At a Loss by FroldGapp Words: 2,189 Author’s Summary: Coran sees the gulf grow ever-wider between Keith and his fellow paladins and decides it’s up to him to cheer the red paladin up. It’s time for an intervention of sorts from the universe’s most gorgeous man. My Comments: My heart aches for Keith here so much. I wish he was a little better at communicating so he could tell the others that he’s having a hard time. But I love Coran noticing all on his own and doing what he can to ease things for him.

Bonded to the Bone by spitfire00 Words: 3,322 Author’s Summary: Pidge is missing, the Green Lion is angry, Matt is heartbroken, Voltron is useless, and Pidge may have inadvertently become god of the forest in the meantime. My Comments: Very cool visual images here, I like this concept a lot. And of course reunions and hugging are nice, too.

yellow by m_barcelona Words: 2,654 Author’s Summary: “I, um…I don’t really know what to say here. I guess I should start at the beginning.” Hunk clears his throat and looks away from the blinking red dot of the camera, suddenly feeling trapped by its unnerving stare. This is going to be harder than he thought. Hunk decides to send a video message home to his family, and discovers a lot about himself in the process. My Comments: Hunk is the best. I loved this look into his heart and mind. It felt very intimate and warm.

So here’s the general part. While I don’t have quite as much time for fics, I’m still reading, just authors and stories I’m already subscribed to. Below is a list of the authors I read no matter what they do, because it’s always amazing. BUT THIS IS NOT EXHAUSTIVE. 

There are LOTS of good gen writers who are not on this list. PLEASE don’t miss out on good fics just because I’m not posting them. Look for yourself. Try every story currently on @maychorianrecs​ and then follow the authors to see what else they’ve done. Follow their bookmarks. I’ve found tons of fantastic stories by reading the bookmarks of authors I like, then following THEIR bookmarks, and so on. It’s like following a trail of Good Stuff, and I’ve wiled away many a pleasant day doing that.

Also, @bosstoaster​ made a filter that removes almost every ship in the Voltron fandom on AO3, so you can find just the gen stuff (with rare canon pairings). Here it is, it’s amazing.

But anyway, the (mostly gen) Voltron authors I am subscribed to at this particular point in time:

VelkynKarma  IcyPanther squirenonny ashinan Bandity birdzilla buttered_onions ChaoticReactions (BossToaster) Emerald_Ashes isabeau25 mumblefox Rangergirl3 WashiPuppy wingedflower yet_intrepid

Some of those folks, particularly Velkyn and IcyPanther, have written some really incredible stories recently. I’m just saying, you don’t want to miss out.

Okay, and here’s the last thing.

Previously Recced Fics That Updated:

mostly void, partially stars (33063 words) As Color Fades Away (317695 words) Shadows of Stars (236851 words) Little Crystals (22176 words) Fusion Confusion (26040 words) The Field of Blood (37587 words) A Dragon in Thy Pocket (14380 words) Young Blood (12360 words) I'm Your Captain (11878 words)

[trustingofwinds]

check-in tag

-♡- tagged by the lovely @bibillyhillsbaby, @kithtaehyung, & @cosyserendipity! thank you <3

1. why did you choose your url?

oooh, I'm about get real woo-ey on y'all lol

so, I chose my url because I've been re-reconnecting with both my intuitiveness and my indigeneity - this looks like me reteaching myself how to trust myself again, as well as trusting and recognizing messages and reminders I receive from my ancestors. I've been noticing that these communications come in all forms and happen around me all the time - I just need to be listening to all things, even the wind. hence, trustingofwinds ♡

2. any sideblogs? if you have them name them and why you have them?

I have one sideblog and it is @trustingofwindsrecs for my ff recommendations!

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

I made my first blog back in 2012 I believe? I actually deleted that blog about three years ago because of a st*lker. the break was necessary, but I am sooo happy to have started over with this blog back this past november and met all of you here :')

4. do you have a queue tag?

yeth, and it's tagged with "q" :) I love curating it actually, and then later be surprised by my own reblogs on it since I sometimes forget what I queued lol

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

I missed tumblr after being off of it for a couple of years! I'm pretty fed up with other social medias too, so I thought being here seemed like a better and more sustainable place for me to interact with people (and so far, it has been)! also, I wanted friends to talk about and lust after bts and other groups with hehe

6. why did you choose your icon?

my king my liege my bae my heart my love my daddy my

7. why did you choose your header?

because I'm a slut who likes pink ♡

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

my most recent bias selfie tag! y'all spoil me too damn much man 🥺

9. how many mutuals do you have?

more than I ever dreamed of having and I absolutely cherish all of you!! seriously!!

10. how many followers do you have?

enough to make my heart swell!! butttt I just hit a milestone today!! <3

11. how many people do you follow?

144 and I'm still trying to find active blogs that post particular groups so, it'll definitely grow soon I think!

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

I have a tumblr......

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

too much lmao but I LOVE Y'ALL and reading what y'all have to say!!

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

naur, I have not argued with another blog :)

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

eh, I don't vibe with that particular wording buttt I will reblog posts with accurate and updated information regarding topics I know of and have researched myself.

16. do you like tag games?

yes!! so much!! I'm generally pretty slow at doing them myself but I cherish being tagged in my moots' posts and reading the good word 😌

17. do you like ask games?

yes!! lord, I am even slowerrrr at answering asks but I will try to when I have the capacity to ♡

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

girl, I'm not keeping track (also... does that exist???)

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

ummmMMMmMmMm would I be a gay™ if I did not have an internet crush???? 😌

-♡- tagging @xjoonchildx, @lovetrivia, @yeojaa, @ppersonna, @bratkook, @dntaewithluv, @yoobijin, @kimtaehyunq, @honeyj00ns, @wwilloww, @monvante, @joonsrack, @jikookiekosmos, @floralseokjin, @d2myg, & @joonsgalore! <3