#xxbyimmwrites

[xxbyimm]

Storytime! You know, my whole life I thought that I was less worth than others. So to compensate for that, I made sure I was useful. I worked hard, gave everything 200%. Because I had to prove myself, more than others, that I was worthy of even breathing in air. I could recognize the beauty in other people, but at the same time believed that I was a monster, a fraud.

When I realized my selfworth was basically tied to “being useful”, boy that was painful. I cried so hard when my bf asked me: “But why do you have to work harder than others? Why are you egocentric when you do what you want?”

He hit me right where it hurt, and I’m glad he did. I had been surviving myself for all those years, and finally acknowledging that the fact that I loathed myself was so damaging, felt liberating.

You see, when you’re able to observe it, you can go the roots of your beliefs. All of your thinking patterns (because that’s just what they are) have cores, situations when they formed. When I realized what exactly had taught me to think this about myself, I could let it go. I broke those damaging thinking patterns and I’m replacing them with healthy beliefs. Sure, this isn’t easy, but it’s loads better than criticize yourself every day. I’m slowly starting to appreciate myself for who I am, and I know that this lovely, talented person was deep inside me all this time. She now just feels confident enough to show herself. ❤️

So: if you recognize yourself in my story: please know you’re not shitty. You’re a great person. A fighter, who’s tired of battling themselves for such a long time. I know it’s exhausting. But you know what? You got this. Thinking patterns are LEARNED, which means they can always be UNLEARNED. You are as worthy as others! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

not to get too deep on main but did anyone else have such deeply rooted issues with their self worth for so long that they thought as a kid/teen that their only redeeming feature was being “low maintenance” and now as an adult you give yourself guilt pangs asking for any more than the barest minimum in virtually any relationship because asking for things might negate your only good quality which is just “doesn’t ask for things”

[xxbyimm]

His - Fíli x reader

Let’s get ourselves some protective and jealous Fíli today. I decided to incorporate the first prompt of the Tale teller’s 52 week writing challenge into my story for Fíli appreciation week. I do hope you enjoy!!! <3

xoxo

His 

Summary: Fíli is head over heels with a lady at court, and watches her during the victory feast in Erebor. 

Tags: @theincaprincess @fizzyxcustard @soradragon @deepestfirefun Let me know if you want to be added to or removed from my taglist!

Warnings: Mild swearing. A bit of tension, some kissing.

‘Would you like some more ale, my lord?’ the maid asked. 

Fíli was sitting at the high table, the drained cup the lass had been referring to still firmly in his grip. The great victory feast had been in full swing for the last few hours and it showed: the attendees were finally starting to get drunk and the servants were struggling to keep up with the demand for ale and meat.

After tragedy struck and Smaug had taken the great kingdom of Erebor, the hall of kings had waited patiently for more than a century for the return of its’ people. No one had expected to experience another feast in this magnificent room again, but then the impossible happened. Smaug was chased away from his unrightful throne and ultimately destroyed: his carcass would lie in the depths of the Long lake forever. As some discussed the possibility of fishing up the skull of the once mighty fire-drake and hang it in this very hall as their revenge, those who actually had been there simply wished the dragon would stay hidden below the waters.

It didn’t matter, it was all in the past now. The battle of the fives armies was over and king Thorin would be officially crowned in the next few days. But most of all, the grand hall was filled with laughter, music and lively chatter once again.

But none of that cheerfulness reached the golden prince, because he hadn’t been paying attention. As a matter of fact, he did not seem to be aware of anything around him, but one. His eyes were fixed somewhere in the hall. The prince wasn’t eating and barely drinking from his cup, as he kept looking in the same direction. 

‘Prince Fíli?!’ the maid tried. She was getting fed up with waiting until the dwarf prince would finally respond to her. ‘Do you want me to refill your cup?’ ‘What?’ Fíli growled as he was snapped from his ponderings. ‘Ale?’ the lass repeated while swinging the carafe in front of her. ‘Oh, yeah.’ Fíli said absentmindedly, his thoughts already drifting away again. ‘I could use a refill.’ 

He did not see the girl huffing indignantly at his rudeness as she left and if he had, he probably would not have cared one bit. It was unlike Fíli to forget his manners, but tonight was different. Fíli, son of Durin, had experienced  enough dalliances and short-lived affaires to know what was happening to him, but yet this time it all seemed so… different. His heart was hammering in his chest uncontrollably and his head was swimming with thoughts. There was a restlessness swirling through his body that made him want to bust a move before it was too late, but a crippling  fear kept him glued to his chair. He could not trust on his usual charms this time, since in his current state of mind he was unable to pursue the ladies. Not that he would want that now anyway.

For he has had the pleasure of feeling and tasting her beauty and he wanted to have it again. And as she was sitting there a bit further along the hall, enjoying the festivities with her comrades, Fíli dared not to take his eyes of her, frightened that she would vaporize on the spot if he did. She was too good to be true. All his life he had wandered the earth without this mysterious concept of the One, but now he felt it through all the fibers of his very being. This was it, the real thing.

She was laughing at someone, the dwarf in question probably telling a joke. Fíli shifted in his chair and narrowed his eyes. He could not see the guy that clearly, but any male that was located within a few feet from her could be considered a threat. Her beauty was radiating, attracting suitors from all over the hall. So far, she had chuckled at their sometimes drunken attempts to woo her, but the handsome, joke telling lad across the table had managed to catch her attention every single time.

What was so special about him anyway? Fíli watched the lad’s dark manes and groaned. If she was into the burly, moody types even his uncle would have a much clearer shot at her love than he did himself.

But still, that would not explain what happened last night…

 Oh mahal, last night.

The jolt in his stomach told him neither his body nor his mind had forgotten. In fact, he had been playing the scene over and over in his head, memorizing every curve, every movement. Every word they spoke. In final, he had to conclude that she was the embodiment of perfection, a goddess in dwarf form.  

Fíli gritted his teeth when he noticed that the joke telling dwarf was winking. She giggled, shook her head and looked away. Her eyes flashed over at the high table and found the prince’s gaze. His heart skipped a beat. Just twenty four hours ago, they had been a lot closer to each other. He wished he could relive it once more. As for her, she bit her lip and gave him a small, knowing smile before focusing on the dwarf at her table again. F��li inhaled sharply. Could that mean that she felt the same? Was the trying to say…?

Oh. No, it probably was a wild guess. She had continued talking animatedly with that joke telling lad once more. He probably had imagined the whole thing anyway…

 ‘Hey, idiot!’ Someone was jabbing at his arm, pulling him from his contemplations. ‘What now?!’ he snapped. Kíli was crouching next to him, smiling. ‘Nice to see you too, bro.’ he smirked. ‘What do you want?’ Fíli asked suspiciously. He knew his brother all too well and when those dark puppy eyes were glistering mischievously, it always meant trouble was coming.

 A lot of trouble.

 The whole mountain better prepare and hide away until the worst was over. ‘Nothing special…’ his brother shrugged. ‘I just noticed you were ogling that pretty lass over there for hours at an end, so I figured I should ask you what’s going on. 

This was just great. If even his brother, the world’s biggest ignorant oaf had noticed, he could assume that the whole hall by now knew of his lovesick behavior. 

‘It’s nothing.’ Nevertheless, he could try to divert the predator anyway. ‘I wouldn’t call those smoldering looks you’ve been giving her all evening nothing…’ Kíli grinned. ‘’Did you fuck her already?’ ‘Don’t be so ridiculous.’ Fíli objected, hoping his face wouldn’t betray him. ‘Would Tauriel approve if you talked about her this way?’ ‘Certainly not.’ The youngest Durin agreed. ‘But she’s not within earshot, so I’ll be safe.’ ‘I still don’t know how you got her to fall in love with you.’ Fíli muttered. ‘I’m not sure either. But we were talking about you and your new fling.’ ‘There’s nothing to tell.’ Fíli ensured his brother. ‘And that’s the end of it.’ ‘You sure you’re not going to pursue her love?’ Kíli inquired. ‘Because it looks like she’s got a lot of suitors anyway…’

 Fíli looked up to the spot she had been occupying for the last hours, only to see her disappearing through the doors of the hall with none other than the joke telling lad. Her h/c hair was bouncing on her shoulders, the green dress complementing her delicious curves.

No, not today. He had just found her for Mahal’s sake! 

Fíli smacked down his cup on the table, the ale splattering on the wooden surface. He moved abruptly, the chair he had been sitting in shrieking loudly as he stood up. His ears were ringing, the vein in his temple pulsating. Somewhere in the distance he heard his brother cursing him.

But Fíli didn’t give a fuck that the other guests at the high table were staring at him  as he stormed away from the hall. He did not care that in the process he almost ran over three servants who were carrying heavy plates with food. It didn’t even occur to him to apologize. He was seeing red, hot raging fury spreading through his veins and corrupting his thoughts.

He could handle a lot and he would have understood if she did not want to put a name on it yet. In the end she was his now. She could talk with anyone she wanted, but leaving with someone else… 

That was it.

He could not believe that she really intended to get nice and cozy with another guy just hours after he had laid with her. She owed him at least an explanation, and it better be a sensible one.

 But by the time he reached the entrance of the hall, she and her new lover were gone. The prince stormed the staircase towards the rooms he knew her family was staying in. His boots were thumping on the stone steps as he ascended the stairs towards her family’s quarters. Fíli was beside himself. Had he simply served as a rebound? Would he have to settle with the memories of a mind-blowing one night stand? He had given her his everything, and he got nothing to show for it.

No, he could not stand this any longer. He had to know. She was going to tell him the truth.

So when he slammed the door that connected the corridor with the staircase shut and saw her walking towards his left, he took a sprint to catch up with her. The joke telling suitor was nowhere to be seen, which probably was a good thing.

‘Y/N! HOLD ON!’ he snapped. She obliged, turning swiftly to face her golden lion. ‘Fíli?’ she began with a surprised tone, but before she could say anything more the prince grabbed her arm and pushed her against the wall.

Fíli had wanted to shout at her, to show her how much she had hurt him, but now she finally was in his reach again, there was only one sensible thing left to do. Their lips met in a earth-shattering kiss that made his head spin. Her body was pressed against his own and he could feel her heart beating in her chest. Her hands were clawing in his tunic, pulling him closer. His own arms had slipped around her bodice, already tugging the lace strings on the back. 

But suddenly he remembered the very reason he had chased her.  He pulled back, earning a protesting moan. His breathing came in harsh pants, and he had to take a moment to recover.

‘Do I mean this little to you?’ he finally managed to say. ‘Are you this superficial?!’ ‘What do you mean?’ she murmured, a frown appearing on her face. ‘Don’t play innocent!’ he retorted, anger flaring up in his abdomen. ‘You know EXACTLY what I’m talking about!’ 

The expression on her face changed as she did the math. Standing up straight, she met his glare. The answer was written in her eyes.

And in that instant, he knew.

Shit.

 She returned his feelings and he had fucked this up royally. But how could she if she was seeing other males on the side? Fíli didn’t understand and that made him even more livid. He wasn’t going to share her with anyone, she was his and his alone. 

‘Fíli, don’t be ridiculous.’ She declared. Her demeanor was controlled and an amused smile was displayed on her lips, but the fire in her e/c eyes was unmistakable. ‘Me?’ he scoffed. ‘You’re the one who seems to be quite busy!’ ‘Fíli, stop it!’ she countered. ‘You need to calm down NOW!’ ‘No. You explain yourself.’ He demanded. ‘First you’re acting like a little dwarfling.’ She scolded. ‘I’m a what now?!’ he dared, narrowing his eyes. ‘Secondly.’ she went on as if there wasn’t one enraged dwarf prince standing before her. ‘That, prince Fíli, was my brother…’