#xsimplyhannahxramblings

[justashyfangirl]

Day 30

Dear Me, I don't know when I stopped recognising myself in the mirror. When my eyes no longer became the eyes I knew so well and instead became deprived of the twinkle I had learnt to love. My hair used to be a dirty blonde, always falling like a sheet over my shoulders, but now it's usually tied back, resembling more copper than gold. I guess it happened gradually but I stopped paying attention. When did I get so lost? When did I start wearing black all the time? When did I start using under-eye concealer and mascara? When did I lose so much weight I had to buy all new jeans? When did I become this person? My reflection in the mirror isn't me. I'm me, the person on the inside. I might have changed on the outside but I'm still me on the inside. One day I might even look like the girl I used to be. Today is not that day. Hannah

[justashyfangirl]

Day 29

Dear You, I want to fall on you. I want to let my knees give way so I fall to the ground and feel your arms around me as you help me back up again. I want you to be the one to carry me whilst I cannot carry myself. I want you to be the one to save me. I want to tell you everything. How the scars disgust me but yet I can't stop. How the black clouds follow me around like little dogs, begging to be acknowledged. How I fall asleep during the day but cannot sleep at night. How all food tastes like cardboard but I must keep eating so as to survive. How I don't want to die but I feel like I must. You were always meant to be the one to save me. It was your job; your duty. But as time passed, I started to realise that the only person I could depend upon was myself. How no one was coming to save me and I was going to have to save myself. I was the only one who cared. I want to tell you everything but I can't. Hannah

[justashyfangirl]

Day 28

Dear You, It's so weird to be writing this because you don't even know who I am. I'm just another face in a sea of a thousand screaming girls, just another blonde with sparkling blue eyes, just another voice singing along with you from the crowd. But to me, you are the only one. We will probably never meet. And that's okay. They say you should never meet someone you've only dreamed about because they can never quite live up to your expectations. I will just watch from behind steamed windows as you climb higher and higher in the world, living out your wildest dreams. You will probably never read this letter. But if you do, I want you to know one thing. Not my name or my username or my age. Just thank you. Thank you for showing me how to survive when I hit my lowest. Thank you for showing me that even when you yourself are hurting, you can still help others. Thank you for showing me the good in life. Thank you for showing me how to live. Thank you. Hannah

[justashyfangirl]

Day 27

Dear You, Pinky promises are for kids and we're not kids anymore. Yet I find myself here again, pinkies interlocked, making another promise we both know I'll break. If we were younger, you would have taken my pinky finger for this betrayal, but we're both adults now and we know that the cost of breaking the promise is more than a little finger. I'm broken inside. Shattered like a china plate with the jagged edges still cutting you like a thousand tiny knives. Collateral damage. You tried to fix me and hurt yourself trying to glue me back together. Your blood runs as red as my rosy cheeks in the winter wind but yet your eyes are as brown as the chocolate we left on your bed covers. Forgiveness. Every single time, you preach forgiveness and forget. But maybe this time you should choose to remember the pain and step away. Can't you see I'm trying to save you? I said leave because I still care, not because I can live without you. Hannah

[justashyfangirl]

Day 24

Dear You, Do you remember that moment that 5sos walked out onto the stage at Wembley Arena, that hot July afternoon, and you had to hold me in your arms because I was crying with so much happiness, I couldn't stand on my own two feet anymore? I felt so much that day - proudness at everything that the boys have achieved, happiness at finally getting to see them live after a year of waiting, pure bliss at the incredible music that was ringing in my ears. I was so happy and in that moment, I think I felt the most alive I had felt in a while. You probably don't remember that moment - that split second when I fell into your arms, total trust that you would catch me. But I still feel your arms around mine, the feeling of being secure in your love. I will always have your back. Hannah

[justashyfangirl]

Day 22

Dear You, I'm known for my second chances. I'm known for giving people as many chances as it takes to fuck me over so badly that I'm crawling on my knees, begging them to stop. I'm so trusting, I open myself to hurt with the hope that maybe this time it won't hurt as much. At the time, I thought you didn't deserve a second chance. You hurt me so badly, I thought it wasn't possible to live a moment longer. I thought I was dying. But maybe you were just protecting mw, trying to save me from the harsh reality that is the real world. I didn't want to wake up and so you decided to let me sleep. You were just being nice and I was collateral damage. Maybe I should have given you a second chance. Hannah

[justashyfangirl]

Day 21

Dear You, The very first time you were introduced to me, I judged you so very hard. I saw someone who wasn't afraid to wear low-cut dresses which never seemed to cover everything that it was supposed to. Your tights were holey and your hair green. I judged you and I'm sorry. Yes your hair is green but I love it. Yes your dresses are low-cut and your boots give you blisters, but you look motherfucking incredible and you always look like you're ready to kick someone's arse. You down alcohol like it's water but you speak some of the realist shit I've ever heard. You suck at essay writing but you speak like you're straight out of a novel. I fucking love you mate. Hannah

[justashyfangirl]

Day 19

Dear You, Why did you have to go and make things so complicated? I thought we were just having fun but then you had to go and overthink everything. You couldn't live in the grey area we had created and so you had to go and push us into the black area, ignoring the red danger signs I was flashing you. You ruined everything. You say I lied, that I was leading you on, but never did you stop to think about me and my feelings. You heard and you presumed - you saw a challenge and you took it. I'm a person, not another quest for you to conquer. You say you miss me, that you want me back, and then say that we can't talk everyday because that's not what friends do. You say she said it's for the best - but is her life really that perfect?! How do you feel?!? You might not care about my feelings but I care about yours, although I wish I didn't. I just want you to be happy. But not at the extent of my happiness. You take and take and take but never give. And I don't think I have any love left to give. Go fuck yourself. Hannah

[justashyfangirl]

Day 18

Dear You, You are everything I want to be. You are beautiful and smart and a joy to be around. You don't let anyone define you - you are your own person. You wear the clothes that you want to - fuck social convention. You walk around with your head held high because you want to smile at that stranger and you want to make their day better. You love without limitations and you laugh without a care in the world. You are happy. You are so happy - happier than you thought was even possible. One day, I hope to be you. Maybe I will read this letter back in 5, 10, maybe even 15 years and realise that I wrote this letter all wrong, that it should be dear me instead. The hope of becoming you is what keeps me going everyday. One day I will be happy. Hannah

[justashyfangirl]

Day 15

Dear You, I miss you. I miss you with every bone in my body, with every tear that glides its way down my cheek, with every heartbeat. I miss the way you would laugh at my clumsiness, the way you would roll your eyes at my enthusiasm, the way you would hold me tight and whisper in my ear that everything is going to be okay. I miss your infectious smile, your sky blue eyes, your louder-than-life laugh. I miss the way you were mine and no one else's. I miss you. Please come back. Hannah

[justashyfangirl]

Day 12

Dear You,

There are a million things I wish I could say to you - none of them particularly nice. I would never wish ill upon someone else, but you come pretty close to it. What you did lasted minutes but the consequences lasted years. I’m still paying for the mistake you made.

I used to hate you. I used to be scared of you. But now all I feel is pity - pity because you were that lonely and that messed-up that you thought what you did was acceptable; that it could ever be justified. I pity you because you will never be happy whilst I am finally free of the chains you have had me bound in for years and I am going to be happy. I have my life ahead of me and I can do whatever I want, whilst you will always be sad and lonely.

What you did wasn’t okay, but I am going to be.

Hannah

[justashyfangirl]

Day 11

Dear Nan, I've never really known anyone who has died - I guess I'm lucky in that way. The only times someone I knew died, I was prepared. Both times I knew that we didn't have much time so I said my goodbyes and prepared myself for the inevitable. It never really hit me the way death should. I remember being told you had died and crying more out of relief than sadness - relief that you were finally out of pain, out of those four white walls, out of tie constant prying eyes of others. I never really knew you that well, I was so young, but I know you hated what was happening. I would have hated what was happening. I'm sorry that you never got to see us grow up and that I never got to know you the way I would have wanted. I have faith that you are watching over me though, making sure I'm okay, and I thank you for that. Maybe in another life, we can be united. Hannah

[justashyfangirl]

Day 10

Dear You, I miss you. I miss the good morning texts and the rainbow hearts and the 2am texts because you can't fall asleep. I miss the sarcastic comments and the doodles and the cow drawings. I miss saying goodnight and not having to worry about whether you're going to text me the next day because I just knew you would. I wish we talked more. I know our lives have taken different paths and we're growing apart, but I wish we didn't have to. If we work hard enough at this friendship, we can last. Yet I feel you slipping away and I don't know how to stop it. It takes two to make this work and I can feel you replacing me already. I will never forget all the good times we have had. You will always have a piece of my heart, no matter how far you wander. Whatever happens, the pictures will always be here to remind me of what was and what could have been. I miss you. Hannah

[justashyfangirl]

Day 8

Dear My Internet Friend,

I have tried countless times to explain our friendship to the world, to express in words the love that we feel for one another and how I feel more safe with a girl I’ve never met than some of the people that see me everyday. You understand me like no one else and I trust you with my life. Somehow you know when I’m feeling low and when I need someone to talk to, and you are always there - no questions asked and no judgement passed. You are like the other half of me that I never knew I was missing.

Words will never describe how I feel about you; how fortunate I feel to have you in my life and how grateful I am that you were there when I needed someone the most.

I only hope to return the favour one day.

Hannah

[justashyfangirl]

Day 7

Dear My Ex,

We never defined ourselves but we both know that what we felt was more than friendship but less than love. I cared for you more than I wanted to admit for fear of seeing weak, vulnerable ever. I trusted you with some of my worst secrets, the type that get locked in vaults for fear that they will get out. I trusted you with my heart.

It was only when you were gone and I was a mess on the bathroom floor, shower running in the background to mask the sounds of my heart breaking into millions of pieces, that I realised how toxic you were. The pieces of your heart inside of me were black, black as my mind was becoming. I was lost in a daze of black smoke, like the sort that trails off destructive fires. That should have been the first sign.

You were broken and I fixed you. I poured my heart and soul into you, bringing you back to life. But like an oxygen tank, there was only so much I could give, and I gave it all to you. Whilst you were rising, I was falling, and I didn’t even notice until I found myself sobbing on the floor, not caring if I lived or died because what was life without you? You might have been broken but you broke me.

A year later and my tank is still refilling. I’m still drowning but I’m closer than I was - I can feel the water’s surface but I can’t quite reach it yet. I’m a shadow of my former self but I never drowned. If anything good can come out of what you put me through, it’s that you left before I was totally submerged by the gravity beneath the water.

Someday I might love again, but never in the way naive way I loved you.

Hannah

[justashyfangirl]

Day 6

Dear Stranger,

I’m a ticking time bomb, not someone to be trusted. One wrong move and I might blow up, damaging everything around me beyond repair. I’m that dodgy grenade that keeps ticking, and if I were to go off, you would be all but collateral damage. You think you can fix me, rewind the hands of time and stop the ticking. Maybe you can, but are you prepared to risk your life for mine?

Stay away stranger, for a bomb doesn’t care who it hurts.

Hannah