#xiao muxi

[dilebe06]

My Top Female Characters of 2023

[stiltonbasket]

Hi! For the renouncement au: Can we get pre-confession wangxian accidental baby acquisition? Basically I just want a lot of WWX being conflicted because he doesn’t want to do that to LWJ (per the ficlet in this verse about the marriage bed and not having more babies) and LWJ trying to convince WWX that nothing would make him happier

The child was an accident, Lan Xichen tells him.

Something no one could have predicted, something Wei Ying would never have done, if he knew what would come of it. A mistake, an incomprehensible fluke of magic and curiosity and cultivation, especially when the cultivator in question lost his golden core nearly twenty years ago, but a mistake Lan Wangji wants more desperately than he has ever wanted anything other than Wei Ying, nevertheless.

But this new revelation is something Wei Ying might not want at all, if his husband’s refusal to listen to a blessing for children at their wedding reflects his feelings about having them. And Xiao-Yu is still so small, too small for even the most basic infant classes in the Cloud Recesses, and Lan Wangji has never even held a baby--at least not a baby too young to walk or crawl, not like Lan Yu--what if he drops the child, or hurts it, or--

You must put first things first, Wangji, his uncle told a six-year-old Lan Wangji once, when he gathered up his practice books and scrolls for his lessons and forgot his brushes and inkstone. The brush and inkstone come first, and then you can think about your books.

And to Lan Wangji, Wei Ying will always come first. That will never change as long as he draws breath, which is why he rushes back to the jingshi to find his beloved rather than going to the rabbit field to sort his thoughts out in solitude.

He finds his husband sitting alone in the dark, perched in the middle of the chuang bed with his red inner robes spread out around him like the plumage of a crimson bird, staring into nothingness as he presses a hand to his lower dantian as if uncertain whether he should believe the news Lan Xichen gave them earlier that evening. But Xichen is a healer second only to Wen Qing and Baoshan Sanren, and Lan Wangji has never known him to make a mistake--which means that the two of them will have to face this new uncertainty together, and sooner rather than later.

They have less than half a year to wait before the little one will be here, after all.

“Wei Ying?” Lan Wangji dares to say, after climbing onto the bed beside him and taking Wei Ying’s cold hands in his. “Talk to me, sweetheart.”

“I was going to divorce you,” is what Wei Ying says next, shaking him down to the core as he turns to meet Lan Wangji’s eyes. “I was certain you had forever renounced your chance of love by marrying me, and that I would leave you the moment you found someone you could really be married to.”

Lan Wangji feels his blood run cold. “Wei Ying, no--”

“I was going to,” his husband whispers. “And then you kissed me in Qinghe last autumn, and I--I couldn’t hope you would fall in love after that, Lan Zhan, even if it meant you would never fall in love at all! And I promise I didn’t know this could happen, or else I would never--never have--”

“I told you I loved you,” Lan Wangji says thickly. “I have told you so every day since then, and kissed you every day since then--and is this child not half mine? Does...would it make you unhappy, to have a child with me?”

“No, a thousand times no!” Wei Ying protests, bolting upright. “But Lan Zhan, you’re so good, too good, so of course you convinced yourself you were in love with me after our brothers married us off! You must have thought I deserved someone to love me like that, even though I didn’t, even though the way we were before was enough--and I know you’ll never let me leave you for your sake now, not with this baby coming, and I’m so sorry, Lan Zhan, I’m so sorry! You deserve so much more than this, than me, and now--now I can’t even--”

He covers his face with his hands and bursts into tears.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen, Lan Zhan,” he sobs. “I didn’t know.”

For his part, Lan Wangji is sitting frozen at Wei Ying’s side, a single sentence echoing back and forth in his mind, and then he understands; because Wei Ying had not understood, even after what passed between them in Qinghe, which means that this misunderstanding can only be Lan Wangji’s fault, as usual.

“Convinced myself I was in love with you? For the sake of our marriage?” he repeats hoarsely. “Wei Ying, I have been in love with you for the past twenty years.”

Wei Wuxian goes quiet and peers out from between his fingers. “Wh-what?”

“I fell in love with you the day you crossed blades with me on the roof, xingan,” Lan Wangji croaks. “I fell in love with you when you argued with Shufu during lessons. I fell in love with you when you drew a portrait of me instead of copying lines, and again when you bowed to Lan Yi with me and vowed to protect the shards of the Yin iron. I fell in love when you saved my life in the Xuanwu’s cave, and when you clung to my hands while Jiang Wanyin and I were carrying you out, and I fell in love every day I spent hunting for you when you were in the Burial Mounds. I fell in love when I saw your eyes open after the battle with Wen Ruohan, and when you drank for me at that banquet at the Jinlintai, and when you carried Wen Qing and Wen Ning away from Qiongqi Dao and took them into Luanzung. I fell in love when you shouted at me in the rain and unveiled my cowardice for what it was, and I fell in love when you refused to stay no matter how I tried to plead with you!

“Wei Ying, I fell in love when I saw you take A-Yuan into your arms for the first time, and when you kept your vow to revive Wei Ying. I fell in love with you every day we spent apart, and again when I wrote that accursed letter to invite you to Jin Ling’s full-moon ceremony. I was in love for every moon I spent in mourning, and for every laugh I heard from Sizhui’s lips, and for every glimpse I had of Jin Ling until you returned. I fell in love when I first heard his courtesy name spoken aloud, and I fell in love again with every lash laid on my back after I protected A-Yuan from the Jins. I fell in love with every year I spent unable to leave my bed, with every bite of food Xiongzhang had to push between my lips because I could not move my arms--I have never known you and not loved you, even when all I knew of you was your face and your voice, Wei Ying, I--”

“I want this child,” Lan Wangji begs--and he is weeping too, now, enfolding Wei Ying in his arms and rocking him back and forth behind the faint shadow of the bed curtains. “I want you like I want air to breathe, sweetheart! I wore nothing but mourning robes when you were dead, and I raised Sizhui as a father who had lost his wife--because that was what I was, even if you never loved me in return! I have never been happier than I was the day I met you again at Dafan Mountain, because you were alive, and well--I love you, Wei Ying, Wei Wuxian, as I have never loved anything in all my life, and never will again!”

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying cries. “Lan Zhan, I’ve hurt you, I’ve spurned you, and for nothing but the sake of my own pride, so how can you--”

“Never that!” Lan Zhan shakes his head. “You were afraid, and all the world was against you--what right did I have to speak, if it was not to beg for forgiveness and a place on the single-plank bridge at your side?”

“Lan Zhan, don’t do this, not for me, or I’ll…”

“Ask me.”

Wei Ying blinks at him, wiping tears from his swollen cheeks as Lan Wangji pats his nose with a damp handkerchief. “Ask you what?”

“The question I never answered,” he says roughly. “The name of the song I sang to you in Mount Muxi. The song you played after Mo Xuanyu brought you back. Ask me, Wei Ying.”

“What...what is its name, then?”

“Wangxian,” Lan Wangji sobs, tracing the two characters on Wei Ying’s hand until his fingertips go numb. “I was eighteen when I named it, my love. It has always been yours, always.”

And then--

And then--

“Kiss me,” Wei Ying pleads. “Kiss me, please, please--”

Perhaps it was always meant to be this way, in the end. 

Perhaps they were always meant to become one like this, when they were already joined in every way two could hope to be together. Perhaps these words were never meant to be spoken aloud until after their love had taken living form, until after they had married, but they are spoken now. 

And that, in Lan Wangji’s eyes, is all that matters.

[yi-bo-wang-zha-boom]

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