#wyaa c1

[tottymatsuno]

Who You Actually Are (Osomatsu-san: Osomatsu x Reader)

Cyclical

Author: Roro (tottytown)

Fandom: Osomatsu-san

Pairing: Osomatsu x reader

Category: hurt/comfort, character study>

Rating: gen

Summary: How does one grow up?

Word count: 844

Warnings: Child abuse, mentioning of vices>

Commentary: just literally uploading shit bc i have emotions. im gonna try to do a few more.

| Oneshots | All Fics | Multichapter Fics | Osomatsu Fics |

Entire Series

Next Chapters

He thinks about what he’s learnt and who taught the lessons while lying next to someone he does not deserve. A series of emulated behaviors from those Osomatsu did not quite respect, but had no choice but to follow. The only examples of what it means to be an adult.

A cold beer after a long day that turns into a case, the cigarette smoke that lingers with it’s absence being noticeable, being taught how to gamble in parlors, betting on the horses. A series of bad choices that Osomatsu proudly wears like the very same heart on his sleeve. He has to be honest; please look at the very worst Osomatsu has to offer. This is all he knows, it’s all he’s been taught and he’s much too scared to learn anything new.

The idea of someone openly looking past that is an unrealistic fantasy and Osomatsu is not ready to face that head on. He feels much more secure in self destruction and harming any opportunities for himself because Osomatsu knows he will inadvertently fuck it up anyways. Why hope for better when he already knows the outcome?

Even if anyone looks past his defensive poison and sees him disgustingly bare, even if they love him holy and whole...they will leave him. Osomatsu is unfit for a romantic relationship considering his parents being his only role models for love. Two people who can barely stand each other; tethered together out of duty and obligation.

Twisting, bending, breaking, reattachment, detachment, disillusionment.

Cyclical in every turn from honeymoon to scream matches. The instability of his life isn’t something Osomatsu would like to share with anyone who was not forced by fate into it as well. Only his brothers would understand, after all they were all once the same cell split six times over. Isn’t it funny the importance of birth order is when Osomatsu is his brothers and his brothers are him?

The first out of a set when their life experiences are mere moments of difference. Why is Osomatsu the leader, why is he responsible for this children’s crusade? Where were their parents? Shouldn’t there have been just one person to lend actual guidance for what it meant to be an adult?

School, college, part time work, then salaried work. Spend all of his time checking off boxes, spend all his money on things of importance, spend all of his life doing as he’s supposed to in order to be a productive member of society. Be a good child, be a good older brother.

When will he fuck this up?

Osomatsu has no frame of reference of what it means to be in love; actually in love. Can he say that he is loved by his family or simply tolerated? Is it okay to only be tolerated, why does it feel safer than affection? Insults comfort more than a compliment and being told, “You’re a piece of shit, Osomatsu.” blankets him like a hug too tight.

Is it better to be loved or hated? Is it better to change himself with the acceptance of rejection or to stay suffocated and stagnate. Is it better to be comforted or slapped? Is it better to be kissed or kicked?

To laugh with others comfortably or to be laughed at with derision? Is it better to be with people who care about the disgusting child inside of Osomatsu or is it better to be with people who tell that child to stop crying because he’s the eldest?

It’s easier.

It’s easier to be used to breathing with half full lungs than taking in a full gulp of air. The burn and transition is too much, Osomatsu thinks as the silhouette of another body sleeps peacefully.

You shift in the dark and mutter something about it being too hot in the bedroom. It’s summer and this is his first time he’s ever spent the night here; the familiarity of it already is overwhelming. “Turn on the fan, Osomatsu-kun.” You tell him with a dry and thick voice.

Is it okay to be happy? Does he deserve it? What did he do if not? How can he change?

When Osomatsu tries to get up you reach for his hand and tug. “Kiss first.” So he does with far away eyes and a smile that contains so much affection and insecurity. You don’t notice in your barely conscious state and are back to dreamland when the fan begins its whirling. Osomatsu slips back into the sheets where you welcome him into your arms. Even in your sleep you seek him out.

He needs to change, he desperately wants to be better. To get along better with his brothers and to be a proper adult. He wants to conquer his fear of the unknown because being fed a steady diet of cyanide isn’t healthy even if it comes from ripen cherries from his mother’s bowl.

With an embrace Osomatsu tangles his legs with your own and tucks his head to your chest and listens to your heartbeat.

Osomatsu wants to grow up.