#written by a girl with dermatillomania | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

drinkinstars · 1 year ago

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Heyyy! I was wondering if I could get a match ship (written description)! My chosen group is Stray Kids. :)

I’m a 21 y/o French Canadian girl and I speak both French and English fluently. I can also speak a bit of Spanish (taught in school) and Korean (taught myself and took some classes in Seoul). I don’t want to send a selca, but I can describe my appearance: I have pale skin, blue/grey/green eyes, naturally dark blond hair that is currently dyed a peach colour. I’m 5'3" (161 cm) and relatively skinny (I don’t really see it but that’s how others describe me), and I don’t have much curves. I study and work in the health field, and love helping others.

I’m an INFJ and my Big 6 is the following: Aquarius Sun, Libra Moon, Sagittarius Rising, Aquarius Mercury, Aquarius Venus and Aries Mars.

I’d say I’m a selfless person. As I mentioned before, I love helping others, but will often do so by disregarding my own needs, which makes me a bit of a people pleaser. I highly value other people’s opinions about me, and will do anything to make them happy, even if it means compromising my needs and feelings. I’m a very open-minded person and am always available to listen when others need someone to talk to without judgement, or a shoulder to cry on. I’m also a very passionate person: when I love something or someone, I love deeply, and invest a lot of time and energy into it. If something I like or believe in is being questioned or put down, I always speak up to defend it, and won’t give up until I got my point across. I rarely give up on anything, no matter how hard it gets.

This also means that I’m a very stubborn person, and if I set my mind to something, I will only rarely give it up, and I never give up without a fight. It’s hard to change my mind about anything. Not only am I an introvert, but I’m also very insecure on pretty much every aspect of myself, so going out in big crowds or meeting new people by myself is very stressful, so I tend to shut down and be very quiet. However, once I open up, I can be quite talkative and loud. I can be pretty sarcastic and my friends often say I’m funny. I hate when people raise their voice when they get angry. I’m a perfectionist and set high standards for myself, which I cannot always meet. I suffer from OCD and anxiety, but I’m taking the steps towards managing them. Because of those, I also struggle with dermatillomania, which leaves scars on my skin, so I am very insecure about my skin and cannot go out without makeup. I only take my makeup off around people I’m comfortable with. I am very perceptive of other people’s emotions, but tend to keep mine to myself. I hate feeling vulnerable and it takes a while for someone to gain my trust and for me to open up to them. I have been hurt and deceived in the past, which makes me wary of emotionally investing myself in relationships.

However, I try very hard to believe in love, and I think I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic. I have high standards when it comes to love and romance, and I’d love to think that my next partner will be the person I’ll spend the rest of my life and build a family with. Although we’re not the closest, I love my family and want my future partner to get along with them. I love babies and absolutely want children of my own later in life. I also love animals. I have a dog that I adore and definitely want more pets in the future! My love language is quality time and I often associate how much someone loves me to how much time they make for me, no matter how small. However, since quality time isn’t always possible, I also heavily rely on words of affirmation and often seek confirmation that the person indeed loves and appreciates me. I feel bad for constantly asking for reassurance, so I want someone who is understanding and won’t shame me for doing so. I want someone that will reassure me time after time without complaints. I prefer hugs and cuddles to kisses and am not the biggest fan of PDA (but I make an exception for hand holding), but in private, I can be more affectionate. I especially seek warmth and comfort from loved ones when I’m feeling sleepy and will absolutely melt if someone plays with my hair or massages my scalp while I lay on their lap.

I’m a dancer and I used to be in a competitive team. I can do ballet, jazz, contemporary, lyrical, and even Irish step dance, but hip hop is definitely my weakness, although I’d love to improve! I used to play the violin for years, both as a soloist and in an orchestra, and I’d now love to learn to play the bass, the drums, or the piano. I love listening to music, and I love all kinds of styles. My playlist ranges between glam rock/metal and kpop. I connect to music deeply and I sometimes need quiet alone time while listening to some music to relax. I also have the absolute/perfect pitch, which means that I’m very critical when it comes to my musical skills and will notice every little mistake. In the summer, I play soccer and love to go on hikes (but I’m terrified of everything that looks like a bee and will panic whenever I see one). In the winter, I often go skiing with friends (both downhill and cross-country skiing). I also love travelling and am currently on a six month long trip through East and South-East Asia. I was taught by my parents that travelling is an excellent form of education and is the best way of learning about other cultures in order to better understand others. I also love photography and am pretty good at it. I love skincare, makeup and fashion, and love to express myself through my style. I don’t have a particular style: I sometimes dress like an 80’s rockstar, or I sometimes go for the cottage core or hyper feminine aesthetic. I also love cooking, especially desserts or other sweet stuff, since growing up, I was usually put in charge of cooking desserts. Everyone says I make the best pancakes! However, I despise washing the dishes and will do anything to avoid it. I sometimes love to sit down and watch TV but it has to be captivating enough so I don’t get bored. I love anything crime-related, horror movies, medical-themed shows/movies (Grey’s Anatomy!), and I also love the OG MCU movies (with the Avengers, Loki, Bucky, etc.). I’m also a sucker for cheesy movies and probably know most of the lines in Titanic and The Notebook.

I’m sorry for the terribly long description, I always write too much! Thanks in advance for the ship and I hope you have a great day/night (depending on when you’re reading this)! <3

I would ship you with…

Hyunjin

followed closely by.. Bangchan and Felix

First part of your ship I think would make everybody ship you with Felix but the second part definitely made me go for Chan! So why Hyunjin? I think the foreign line is easier to ship with other foreigners but wow you and Hyunjin seem to have exactly what it takes to make the other happy, the dance thing, the core and most of all I feel like you two would take good care of the other on an emotional level and accept the other one for what they truly are!

Idk why I get the vibe of you two as a Parisian couple

Feel free to ask again for a longer explanation or other readings!

By the way we have a lot of things in common so I would love to see you back there feel free to text me to tell me what u thought if it!

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tomuras-doormat · 4 years ago

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His Darling - Tomura Shigaraki x F!Reader

My first post <3 This writing was for one of my college classes so this version is different compared to the original. It’s told in 3rd person (kind of?) but I hope you all still enjoy it. Word Count: 3.5K Warnings: Yandere, Kidnapping

No more than five years old, Tomura Shigaraki was abandoned by his parents. He was a frightened child with baby blue hair and red eyes, wandering the streets during the day and resting at night. He looked to other people for help, but no one did. They ignored him because he was dirty. Tomura cried and begged and on some days, he thought that he should end it all. Tomura later developed Dermatillomania due to him scratching at his eyes and neck whenever he was anxious which caused people to label him A Monster.

All those people that ignored him had brought him to where he was now. A killer who had an obsessive crush on someone he happened to stumble into one night at the bar. She was shorter than him and thin, she had beautiful eyes and silky smooth hair, she dyed her hair pink awhile back and all that stays of it is small shadows that shine under the street lights. Tonight, the girl is alone. Tomura follows her from a distance. He does not need to follow her; he already knows everything about her. Where she lives, where she goes to school, who her friends are, and most importantly, the fact that her dad put his gambling debt on his beautiful daughter. Granted that may have been Tomura’s fault after he killed her father, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that Tomura has been helping her to pay it off! He sends her $1,000 once a week. He does not understand why she looks so confused whenever she receives the money, but he knows that it makes her happy. Tonight, Tomura decided that she is going to pay him back for all the money he has spent on her. I mean she should know where this money is coming from, shouldn’t she? He edges closer and closer to her as she gets increasingly distracted on her phone, waiting for the right moment. Tomura knows when the right moment is, he has been planning this for months now and now was finally the night for action. He walks a little closer to the unsuspecting girl and watches as she turns down the alleyway that she uses as a shortcut to get back to her apartment. That’s when he strikes. Like a predator closing in on its prey. Tomura hooks his arms under the girl’s and covers her mouth with a cloth making the girl drop her phone. She struggles a bit but eventually she calms down, a smile spreading across Tomura’s face. The one person he would never think of hurting is now in his arms. The one person who he cares about most needs him. What would happen if he left her there? Some other guys were bound to come around and have their way with the unresponsive body. Tomura could not allow that to happen, he would not allow that to happen. She was now safe in his arms. Safe from all those guys who flirt with her at the bar, safe from that crazy killer who is always on the news, safe from that nasty debt collector. She was safe. Tomura crushed her phone under his foot and picked her up princess style. He planted a soft kiss on her forehead and smiled as he carried her out of the alleyway to his home. Her new home. Their home. Main Quest Number One: Completed Tomura scowls as he drags the small figure back to his small house. Why did you try to escape? He did not understand. He made sure he had everything you liked. From the clothes you wore, to your favorite meals. He had everything memorized, it’s what a good boyfriend should do right? So why did you try to run away from him? You were confused! That must be it. You don’t understand everything yet, that’s why Tomura is there to teach you. He’s there to be your guiding hand for you to hold. Tomura picks up the small figure gently and holds her tighter as she struggles. “Why are you doing this to me?!” she yells out at him at a volume that someone else would have heard her if he lived in a more populated neighborhood. Tomura gives her a soft smile and says, “It’s because I love you darling, you’re just confused is all and you need some guidance.” He plants a few more dry kisses onto her forehead and takes her back inside. “If you try something like that again darling, I can’t say I’ll be as nice.” Tomura decided that she should be restrained. It was a thought that he hoped he would not have to act out, but just until she was broken in. He just needs to train her! Like a cute new pet he just got, she needs to be trained. Learn her boundaries, what she can and cannot do. He can’t be mad at her for trying to escape, he did not train her! Tomura jumped in excitement at the thought of his darling becoming obedient. Once she breaks everything will be so much better. Tomura locked the 6 locks and 2 deadbolts on his door and set his darling on the couch. “I’m going to make our dinner, stay put and watch TV, okay?” he said with a small smile. The girl starts to cry and Tomura’s expression changes drastically. “Why are you crying my darling?!” he said as he rushed over to her. “Why are you keeping me here...!” the small figure cried out. Tomura frowns and pulls the girl towards him to hold her close, a slight struggle coming from the girl. “Because I need to keep you safe darling, there are so many dreadful things in this world and I’m going to be your savior. I’ve seen the way those men eye you up. It’s disgusting to watch them, knowing they are undressing you with their eyes. I couldn’t take it anymore and I wanted you for myself.” The girl calms down a bit and her sobs become soft sniffles. Tomura smiles at his first successful breakthrough and kisses her forehead. “I’m going to make dinner, ok darling?” he says as he stands up. He walks over to the kitchen and starts to prepare the girls favorite meal. He looks back at her occasionally to make sure she is behaving herself, growing happier and prouder at the fact that he’s slowly breaking her. Tomura smiled at the sight of her wearing the white nightgown he bought for her. He liked seeing her in white, it made her purity shine through even more. He patted the spot next to him and waited for her to walk over to him, but she didn’t. She just stood there and hesitated. “What’s wrong my darling?” he asked, a bit annoyed. “Why do I have to sleep next to you...” the small figure mumbled. Tomura frowned and stood up, walking over to the girl. “Because I want to keep you safe in my arms even when you sleep. What if the house catches on fire and I can’t save you...?” he says as he grabs a hold of her wrist lightly. He pulls her over to the bed and waits till she is laying down. Tomura smiles to himself and crawls onto the bed himself. He pulls the covers down and holds the fragile body close to his own. He leans down to her whisper in her ear but hesitates a bit. He looks down her body a bit and kisses her neck as she squirms a bit next to him. He looks up to see a hint of pink on her face and he smiles. “I know you’re still a virgin darling, I’ll wait to do anything like that until you’re ready” he says to her and plants a loving kiss on her cheek. Tomura holds the small body close to his own and closes his eyes, waiting for the happy dreams to come to him about him and his darling. * * * Tomura woke early in the morning so he could prepare everything that needed to be done. Tomura had to leave today so he decided to give his darling a small chore list of what he wanted done while he was gone. He walked down the stairs to the kitchen to start breakfast, soon Tomura will be waking up to breakfast in bed from his darling, he must train her to do so. He was sad that he had to leave his darling alone today, but the trip was well needed. His fridge was running low on food and he wanted to have a stocked fridge for when his darling started cooking for him. He smiles to himself knowing that he has her now. He can keep her safe from everything bad in the world. Safe from everyone’s nasty glares and perverted eyes. The only eyes that can lay upon her now are his own. He finishes making breakfast and sets it down on the table. He grabs a notepad and a pen and writes a small note for his darling. “I have to head out for a while my darling so please behave yourself. I do not want to be angry with you I have a small list of chores for you, could you do them for me darling? -Clean the dishes -Make our bed -Pick up the Living Room a bit” With his note written and breakfast made, he grabbed the things he needed and headed out. Tomura looked up at the sky and frowned. It was dark and gloomy. Was it supposed to rain? He couldn’t remember. He sighed and walked down the sidewalk to the convenient store. It may be called a ‘convenient’ store, but it was far from that. The closest store was about a three-mile walk. Tomura would have to be gone for about 2 hours and that pained him, knowing his darling would be home alone for such a long time. He’d just have to be quick is all. Tomura smiled and started on his journey to the store, now having a purpose to go. He pulled out his small list and read it over multiple times on his way there, hopping by the time he got there he would have it memorized. There wasn’t much on it, but it was still a lot. Tomura looked at a few display windows as he passed by some stores. He paused for a minute and imagined his cute darling in the displayed dress. He blushed at the thought of coming home to her in the outfit. He quickly walks into the store to buy the floral dress. A knee length dress that has a white base and pink flowers working its way up the fabric. Tomura held the bag tightly as he walked out of the store. 15 minutes behind, but it would be worth it. To see his sweet in the tasteful dress and to see her reaction to seeing it herself, he was jumping with excitement. He looked up at the sky to see it had darkened even more, covering the sun completely. “I should hurry…” Tomura mumbled to himself, and so he started his quest for the store. Side Quest Number One: Completed Tomura made his way to the store and pulled out the small list. He was distracted the rest of the walk and had forgotten about memorizing the list. He looks around, walking up and down aisles to find what he needs. Frowning whenever the store didn’t have what he wanted, which was a lot of. Tomura scoffed at the thought of going to another store or even taking another day to go shopping again. He grabbed what he could get and went to the cashier to pay for his items. He glanced outside and sighed as it started to rain. Just his luck. The store clerk told Tomura his goodbyes and thank yous and Tomura walked out of the store. He looked around for the covered spots of the streets but could not find one. He sighed and started to make his journey back home at a slight job. Thunder roared and some lightning struck on his way, but it did not bother him. The only thing Tomura feared was losing his darling. He ran up to the house and pulled out his keys, unlocking the door and walking inside. “Darling! I’m back!” he yelled. Tomura closed the door and looked around. Where could she be? He walked to the kitchen and set the grocery bag down. Anger set in when he saw the untouched plate of food and the dirty dishes. He called out to her again, “Darling, where are you!” The enraged man stormed around the house trying to find the small girl. He had started to throw doors open in his rage. Had she really left him?! Just like that! “Darling!!” he called out in an angry tone. He stormed into the bedroom and looked around. He kicked the bed and growled. Where the hell did she go? Did she seriously leave him? Tomura looked around and walked over to the closet. He opened the doors and looked down. His emotions flared in rage as he saw the girl sitting on the floor. He opened his mouth to yell at her, but the girl leaped towards him and clung onto his shirt, crying. She was crying…? A roar of thunder had the girl crying even more and suddenly he understood. He wrapped his arms around her as she sobbed into his already soaked shirt. “Did I scare you darling? I didn’t mean to, I thought you ran away from me...” Tomura had picked up the small sobbing girl and held her in his arms. He walked over to the bed and laid her down. He tried to get up, but she clung to him even harder. “Don’t leave me... Please...” pleaded the girl. A small smile spread across Tomura’s face and he laid back down with her, holding her close and whispering sweet nothings into her ear. * * * Weeks after weeks, his darling had finally started to crack. She was warming up to him, greeting him when he returned home, started cooking meals and obeying most of his commands. Today was an extra special day, it was the first day that she had worn the floral dress that he had bought for her. The dress fit her perfect body perfectly, showing every curve off perfectly. Tomura blushed a bit as he walked over to her and kissed her cheek. She even started being more loving towards Tomura, that made him the most excited. That’s all he wanted from her was her love. He wanted her to stay home and take care of the family. A family that was hopefully soon to be a reality. “I have dinner ready for us,” she said softly. He smiled and nodded. Tomura set his stuff down and walked to the kitchen with the small girl. He looked down at the table and smiled at the home cooked meal made by his darling. This is how life should always be, this is how it was meant to be. “I’m going to go take a shower darling,” Tomura said to the girl as she picked up his plate. The girl looked at him and nodded with a soft smile. He kissed her cheek and went upstairs to the bathroom. Tomura couldn’t even wipe the smile off his face. His new pet has finally been broken in, no need for the leash and collar anymore on his new pet. She was bound to break eventually, with no one else to talk to but Tomura, who would she turn to? She would break eventually, and it finally happened. He walked into the bathroom and closed the door. He walked over to the shower and turned it on while he started to undress. Tomura hadn’t showered a lot because he was saving the water for his darling. He finished undressing and hopped into the bathtub. He closed the curtain and leaned his head back, wetting his hair and face. Tomura smiled and closed his eyes, getting lost in thought of his darling that he didn’t hear the door open. He grabbed the shampoo and put some in his hand. Setting the bottle back down he lathered up the soap into his hair. He opened his eyes a bit to see the curtain opening, his darling sliding into the shower. A dark blush spreading across his cheeks. “Darling what are you doing...!” he managed to stutter out. The small figure looked up and smiled. “I wanted to join you...” she said softly, stepping into the shower and closing the curtain. It was the first time Tomura had laid his eyes on a woman, the only woman he ever dreamed about looking at was his darling and here she was, in front of him in the shower. His eyes were darting all over her body, not knowing where to look. The small figure stepped towards him and he wrapped his hands around her waist. Tomura looked at the girl, asking for permission with his eyes. The girl giggled and nodded, planted a soft kiss on his cheek. When he was given the okay, Tomura was on her like a wild animal. He couldn’t contain himself; self-control was blown out the window the moment he was given the okay. His hands exploded every inch of her body as she whined and squirmed under his greedy touch. Tonight, he would finally lay claim to her, he would mark her wherever he saw necessary. Main Quest Number Three: Completed The next morning, Tomura awoke from the movement of his darling. He opened his eyes a bit and looked down at her. She was snuggled up to his chest and breathing softly. He pulled the sheets down a bit to admire her marked up body. He smiled to himself and planted a soft kiss to her forehead. Everything was now perfect. Tomura’s life was now completed. He had everything he could ask for and the next step would be soon to come. A family. * * * More weeks had passed and Tomura had been delivered the news, his darling had tested positive for pregnancy. They were both overjoyed, exchanging hugs and kisses. Worry then set in Tomura’s mind. How would this baby be delivered? He is wanted in about every state for murder, he can’t just waltz into a hospital and expect not to have someone turn him in. That was something he couldn’t risk. Tomura had to come up with a plan and he had limited time to do it. He set the girl down and smiled. “I’m so happy darling, this is all because of you, you made this possible” he said with a smile. “Hey Tomura, do you think I could go outside...? I could buy the groceries instead of you” she said softly. Why would she want to go outside? Tomura’s chest rumbled as a low growl escaped his lips. “No, there's no reason for you to go outside! It’s not safe out there! Why would you want to leave me darling...?!” he yelled at the girl. The girl cowered a bit in fear at his loud tone. She was trying to leave him! Was everything she said an act? Was she playing with his emotions? No. No, no, no, no, no. His darling wouldn’t do that. She loved him; he knew he did. Tomura grabbed her shoulders roughly and looked down at her. “You can’t leave me. I won’t let you. You’re happy here. I know you are” he said with a dark smile. His eyes glistened with rage as the small girl whined from his harsh grip. “Tomura you’re hurting me...” she said quietly. Tomura let go as an idea popped into his head, a sadistic smile spread across his face as he looked down at the girl. He can’t have her running away from him. She has his child, she can’t run from him now He grabbed her arm and dragged her to the door to the basement. Tomura let out a low chuckle as he pulled her into the basement. He had everything prepared down here in case something like this had happened. The girl struggled in Tomura’s harsh grip; eyes filled with fear as she looked at all different tools around the basement. Tomura walked over to a wall that he had built chains into. “It’s for your own safety darling. I can’t have you leaving me. What if you happened to get hurt while you were out?” Tomura said, worry clearly in his voice. He kneels and wraps the chains around her ankles. “I can’t have you leaving me darling…” he says with a smile. He stands up and plants a kiss on the frightened girl's forehead. “And to think I fully broke you...” Tomura walks over to the stairs as the girl cries out his name. He ignores every word she says, though it puts a great deal of pain on him to do so. The man bites his lip and walks up the stairs, a smile making its way on his hips as he closes the door. “I won’t let you leave me darling; I’ll make sure you understand that.”

#yandere #tomurashigaraki #yandere shigaraki #kidnapping #shigaraki x reader #first post

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lustresky · 5 years ago

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all i ask [peter parker x f!reader]

summary: You question your true feelings for Peter after missing out on five years of your life.

wc: 2400ish.

themes: angst(ish), fluff, happy endings, best friends to lovers trope, mention of dermatillomania, existential questionings...

a/n: this is the first x reader that i have ever written, so sorry in advance if it’s awkward:’’’) english also isn’t my first language, so please do hit me up if i make any mistakes/some things sound wrong! still, i hope that some of you out there will still like this lil thing. i just want to keep peter in my pocket gawd what a bby:’’’’’’’( p.s. title is a song by adele! just had to name this that cuz it unexpectedly came into my playlist while i was writing this and the song just fit so well that it shocked me haha

requests are open! & pls don’t forget to like and reblog, thank you! c:

THIS TAKES PLACE AFTER ENDGAME, RIGHT BEFORE FFH. IT EXCLUDES THE LOVE STORY BETWEEN LIZ & PETER IN HOMECOMING.

available on ao3.

The rom-com flickered on the screen in front of your and Peter’s eyes, the only light illuminating the small living room.

Your legs were sprawled on top of Peter’s own, your arms becoming a bit numb from the fact that you haven’t moved them from their cramp inducing position for the past fifteen minutes. It wasn’t your fault— the small sofa could only leave you and Peter enough space to lounge about.

He had invited you over for some much needed “hang out” time. Considering the fact that both of you had missed out on five years of your life, you had suggested you both catch up on all of the movies the two of you had missed; but one thing led to another and now you were both watching late 90’s and early 2000’s films.

You were surprised, and maybe even mildly offended, when Peter had said that he had never watched Mean Girls nor Clueless. The boy who spew out pop comic references every other second had never watched the classics for every teenage girl? The blasphemy!

You fiddled with the fluffy throw covering your legs and partially, Peter’s. Your attention wasn’t really on the movie anymore, you’d seen it multiple times. Could probably recite it by heart, you thought, if you concentrated hard enough.

Speaking of concentration, your eyes inadvertently found their spot upon Peter’s face. It was quite funny, and maybe even adorable if you wanted to go that way, how concentrated the geeky boy was over such a cliché film. You had never once thought, with all of the years that you had known him, that he would listen and take Cher Horowitz’s words to heart.

Peter didn’t notice your gaze, and so you took that as an unspoken permission to roam your eyes over his features: the small lines already appearing beside his eyes, a tell-tale sign of how much he smiled�� or at least, tried to, these days. There were those chiseled cheeks and the sharp jawline that he somehow managed to maintain despite eating delivery food every other day. (You can’t blame May, she tries her best, really; but sometimes Thai or Chinese is just way more palatable.) His nose, a bit crooked, from an ”accident.“ (You still don’t really know the exact details about that one, and frankly, you think it would hurt just hearing about it.) Soft curls of his brown hair fell over his forehead, messy and barely brushed.

Truly, you could probably spend a whole hour just staring at him. It’s weird, you know, who the hell stares at their own best friend for long periods of time? Well, MJ probably does, but then again she draws people most of the time so that’s socially allowed... and well— she’s MJ. She just… does that. You suppose.

Maybe she does have a point, you mused. People-watching seemed fun, seeing the way that people processed information was interesting, but you couldn’t really imagine doing that to anyone— anyone else but Peter, at least.

You loved Peter. It wasn’t even a question. Truly, you did— he was family. However, after the Snap, you started to question how you truly felt about him.

Did you ‘love’ him? You had asked yourself that question multiple times already. Then again, he was cute, goal-oriented, stubborn, loyal, smart, geeky, strong... (not just physically, between his difficult childhood and what you both had just gone through, you think that he may just be the strongest person that you know, mentally.) He knew how to make you laugh, how to make you feel safe… God, he was your exact type.

However, you had always put your feelings aside ever since you came back from the dead. What if it was just your mind craving for affection, afraid that you would never be able to experience the love that you had always wanted? Were you just terrified of the thought of not living your life to the fullest, that you started to ’love’ the first person to have ever given you warmth, just because the choice to do so was taken away from you?

Did you actually love him in that way? Would you still have loved him in that way, even if that purple fucking raisin didn’t come out of the fucking sky and take you both away from reality without even asking? Were you just blindsided? Were you wearing rose-coloured glasses?

What type of love for him did you feel, exactly?

It didn’t really help that Peter was way more clingy and touchy now. Sure, you were best friends even before then, but you never really touched each other so often before. His actions only further spiraled your pondering.

His hands seemed to linger more on your shoulders, nowadays. Now, he would, absentmindedly, lay his hands on your thighs while you were talking. Now, his hugs were tighter, warmer, and always included both of his arms— unlike those casual, one armed hugs that you would give each other while saying goodbye after school, right before you both ceased existing.

While talking, his eyes seemed to stare straight into yours, which always made you falter with your words before you shook his gaze off. Once, you saw him fixating his eyes on your lips while you vented to him about a mathematical formula that gave you a hard time.

He never really did that before— whenever you didn’t understand something, he would always just give you a small grin before shaking his head and finding a way to better explain the topic to you. At first, you thought that maybe he just had a lot on his mind, that he was just staring into space…

Or maybe, just maybe, he loved you. In that way.

Though, now that you thought more about it, maybe he just craved affection like you did. He went through a lot. His life was never devoid of danger, and it wasn’t questionable to want comfort after all of the things that he had gone through. Did he truly feel that way about you, or did he only see you as a comfort tool? You wouldn’t be angry if he did, out of all the people that you knew that deserved more reassurance and love, he was definitely on top of the list.

You didn’t mind. You understood.

Was he in the same boat as you?

You startled yourself away from your thoughts when Peter suddenly retracted his body further back into the couch, as if he wanted to bury himself in it. His brows were furrowed, nose scrunched, lips curled up in disgust; though to your relief his eyes were still glued to the screen and he hadn’t just seen you checking him out. You chuckled at the unexpected reaction, “What’s gotten you so worked up?”

Peter shook his head from side to side, as if that would help him from his current situation. “I get that they aren’t really related, but it’s just— weird.” He replied.

Intrigued, you shifted your eyes over to the screen, and was welcomed by Cher and Josh kissing. You laughed at Peter’s disgust.

“How is it weird? They’ve had— like, very evident tension for half of the movie, Pete.” You replied, eyes watching the way Josh held Cher’s face in his hands. As much as you would never admit it, your stomach fluttered at the scene. “Don’t tell me you didn’t expect it to happen.”

Peter groaned. “It’s not that I didn’t expect it to happen, it’s just— Josh is what, almost twenty or something? And Cher is our age!” He rattled off. “I’m having flashbacks to when I learned that Luke and Leia were actually related.”

You shook your head and let out a snort. Typical Peter, always finding a way to reference Star Wars.

“It’s just a lil’ kiss scene Pete, don’t get so worked up about it.” You chuckled. You let out a dreamy sigh, your lip unknowingly curling into a small smile. Truth be told, you've always wanted something so passionate yet so soft like that to happen to you.

You couldn’t help but let the next words tumble out of your mouth. “Isn’t it romantic though? The fact that the person that Cher has been searching and looking for so hard was actually just right there.”

“Always there…” Your voice slowly found itself becoming quieter, until it was only a ghost of a whisper. “Right by your side.”

You felt your cheeks grow hot. What the fuck was all that sudden sentimental bullshit, Y/N? You thought to yourself.

You hoped that Peter just didn’t pick up on what you had just said. The movie was loud enough to cover it, right?

With a reassuring breath, mostly to yourself, you turned your gaze back to Peter’s face.

Only to find him staring back at you.

Fuck, what were you thinking? With his enhanced senses, of course he would’ve heard what you had said.

Your breath got caught in your throat as your brain almost short circuited from the unexpected eye contact. His stare was unrelenting; from the dim light of the television, you can see his dilated irises, swimming with what you can only assume was longing… and hope.

The air suddenly seemed thick with tension. What kind it was? You weren’t really sure, but the movie and its noises were now just background noise and lighting. From the corner of your eyes, you see Peter’s Adam apple bob up and down as he opened his mouth to speak.

“Y/N…” He started, slowly, seemingly unsure of how to word his sentence. You mustered up a small bit of courage and sent him a small smile, patiently waiting for his brain to catch up with his mouth. It was one of his quirks that you adored so much, how much he struggled with the right words to say, because he knew the gravity of them; even if he did end up just spewing them out in the end.

“I— I don’t really know how to say this exactly, but,” Peter chewed on his bottom lip. “God I just— I just need to man up and say it because it’s been on my mind ever since I came back and I don’t think I can put it off any longer because I’m scared that you’ll disappear again and that I’ll never have the chance to say the truth and I—“ He stopped in his tracks, seemingly running out of words to say. His head dropped to look at his lap, as he started fidgeting with his hands and picking at his cuticles. A nervous tick that you recognized.

You straightened up from your lounging position, and slowly reached out your arms to lay your own hands on top of his, effectively gaining his attention and stopping his quite destructive habit. Bit by bit, he faced you once more; albeit now his eyes seemed to be more glassy.

“Y/N,” He took a shaky breath. “You— you mean so much to me.“ His eyes stared straight through you, and by now you felt your eyes start getting teary too.

“When it was happening I— all I could think about was how I felt about you. I— I felt so fucking selfish. I didn’t even think about Aunt May— or Ned, or MJ. All I thought about was how much I regretted not telling you how I actually felt about you sooner— that I’ll never be able to tell you how much I actually fucking loved you—“

Instinctively, you cut him off with your index placed on his lips. Now it was your turn to let out a shaky breath as your hand descended and found itself laying once more on Peter’s own.

Peter loved you. Even before the snap. Even before you disappeared.

The sight of Peter in front of you: vulnerable, hair ruffled, cheeks and nose and the tips of his ears red, his eyes watering as he poured his heart out to you was the moment that answered all of your doubts from before.

That was when you realized that you loved him, too. Truly. Without a doubt.

You loved him before everything went to hell, you still love him now, and fuck, you would still love him even if you hadn’t died. You weren’t wearing rose-coloured glasses, hell, far from it. You were seeing everything clearly. You were seeing everything just the way that they are.

You opened your lips, and a strangled but genuine giggle came out. “Pete, I love you too. I’ve loved you since— fuck, I can’t even remember when I actually started fucking loving you. You’ve been such a constant in my life that I questioned myself whether I truly loved you romantically, because I’m also a fucking idiot that thought that the type of love that I had for you was only platonic. Turns out they’re both one and the same.” You were laughing now, with a few hiccups here and there from the hot tears streaming down your cheeks.

“And shut up— you aren’t selfish,” With a new wave of courage, you lifted up one of your hands again and cradled his face. He leaned into it, impulsively, sniffling. “You’re one of the most selfless people that I know, hell, you put yourself in danger for people that you don’t even fucking know. I… I honestly think you could use more selfishness sometimes.” You laughed, softly, trying to regain a bit more composure with the tidal wave of emotions washing through you.

Peter, thankfully, found your quip funny. He snorted, shaking his head, as he lifted the sleeve of his Midtown Tech hoodie up to wipe at his tears. He wiped yours too, and you thanked him with a genuine smile.

All hearts now bared, you both just stared at each other, not really knowing what else to say nor do. From what you could tell, the movie was over now, the ending scene just slowly rolling in as it always does.

You opened your mouth, about to break the silence, when Peter beat you to it.

“Can I kiss you?”

A chuckle escaped your mouth before you could reply properly, and a huge grin overtook your face as your cheeks heated up once more. You squeezed his hands, and nodded.

Peter leaned in, and you had never felt more at peace.

#lily’s lil’ stories #peter parker #peter parker x reader #peter parker x you #fanfic #ff #x reader #tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #spiderman #spiderman x reader #one shot #angst #best friends to lovers #fluff #subtle (not really) movie references #existential musings #pete n reader's been thru a lot ok:(

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dear--charlie · 4 years ago

Text

Dear Charlie,

It’s been a while. I know. I’m sorry. I hope you are okay, that you are healthy and that your loved ones are okay too.

I was feeling better, genuinely. Even with a global pandemic and despite the fact that I have not hugged my girlfriend in a year, I feel better. Happier, somehow. I think it’s because I told my parents about A. They took it pretty well considering the fact that I kept it from them for more than two years and that my dad is quite homophobic - turns out he is not when it’s about his own flesh and blood. I don’t know if I told you that I told them. But here you go.

Did I tell you that I started dance classes again? Well due to Covid they stopped again, like in march. I miss it. They usually keep me sane. Now, since yesterday, I feel like I am going crazy. I finished my last exam but I still have to work on my thesis. Mind you, I even applied for an Erasmus Mundus, Glasgow, Aarhus and Barcelona, maybe even Vancouver are the cities I would live in for six months each more or less. It sounds really interesting but it’s so expensive. In some weeks they tell me if I’m admitted to the scholarship. If I don’t get that scholarship, paying might get tricky. I am looking for apartments right now and I found one I really like. It’s around 50cm2, has a kitchen/living room, a bathroom, a room and a tiny room. It looks amazing but it’s expensive. Then again, it’s cheaper than anything else I saw. It’s 400 000€, when all the others started at 600 000€. Housing situation in Luxembourg is hell. It’s so expensive. The apartments I went to take a look at aren’t even in a central region. They are all on the countryside and so so so expensive. Did you know that for an apartment that size in the capital you nearly pay a million? In other countries you get an entire house for that prize, but hey… that’s life I guess. Well, when I saw this particular apartment, I fell in love. And if everything goes right, I will buy it and borrow money at the bank, hello depts for 15 years, but hey I’m only 22. I saw the apartment and I imagined A living there with me. We have talked about names for children and Samira or Alia are the ones we stuck with. What do you think of those? I know they aren’t typical names and if I’m not wrong they have arabic and/or hindu origines, but we fell in love with them. We’d like to adopt a girl, but there are many procedures until that can happen. She will probably move in with me as soon as we both finish our studies. We want to marry. Who would have thought that? It makes me genuinely happy and the distance has made us stick together even more.

I also finished my internship with the extra third graders. It was exhausting but I miss the kiddos. They turned out to be great as soon as I found out how to handle each of them and their extra behaviour. Some of them told me they wanted me to be their teacher till the end of the year. I nearly cried when I heard that, but hey, I held back the tears.

Not-Rose and I are sometimes talking, I am on friendly terms with Sally again, and I just completely dropped the 9. Lena is distant (yea, we share that name, I’m not talking about my secret alter ego) and never wants to do anything. I told Laura and Daniel about A too. They took it well. And Lisa is like always. They are my friends I guess. But I don’t think we will stay in touch after uni. We just don’t have many things in common and some of their thoughts and ideas are… quite challenging for me. I don’t want to say they are utterly stupid, but they kind of are dunderheads. I love them though, I just don’t feel like we have a lot in common. I hope the Glasgow will accept me… because that Masters degree would give me a chance to work in a higher field, maybe even research, so that I can bring about the change I strive for. Sometimes I do feel weird for telling you all of this. I’m sorry for oversharing (if it’s bothering anybody).

Oh, also, I cleaned my emails (went from 6000 to 120, huge, huh?) and I stumbled upon some form my Spanish teacher (2014-2017) The way I wrote made me cringe, but her messages were kind. I think she is one of the people who made me change for the better. A is too. And me changing my way of thinking and being more open. It think it has helped me improve a lot. I reached out to a therapist for my dermatillomania and have an appointment in march. It’s public therapy and they have long waiting periods, but at least I reached out. Right?

I wrote the TOEFL again and the DELE C1, I hope to get my results soon. The DELE is taking 3 months already, and TOEFL should arrive in about 5 days. I think I did good. I hope well enough to be admitted at a university in Madrid if they don’t take me for the Erasmus Mundus programme.

You know what? Writing to you always makes me feel serene. I’m calm right now. Freya Ridings’ Lost Without You is my company and I am okay. Yesterday I wasn’t. A’s mom might have cancer… and it might be spreading. She was destroyed and I wanted to help but I don’t even know when the next flight are going to Spain from here… I mean, there are flights, but what if no plane flies back and I am stuck there with uni starting again here… I cried. Because of her and her mother and because some days ago she asked me to read to her out of my “Essays” (aka the crap I have been writing on my phone since 2015, which mostly is utterly depressing and consists of the things I don’t really tell people. That, and some letters to you, that is. And she asked me to read the bad parts about her to her… so I did. And oh I hated myself for those words. She is okay with them, says they make her learn what to do and how to improve, but I felt like a huge a**hole because those things were not fair towards her. I was so deep into my own misery that I didn’t realize how bad I was treating my girlfriend, even though it was only on the screen and my head. That’s too much. After reading some to her, she had to leave, and I read through the entire 268 pages again and deleted every single bad thing I ever wrote about her. That didn’t make the bad feeling go away though.

I’m sorry for having written so much. It’s just been a while. I truly hope you and everybody reading through my thoughts is okay (and hey, thanks for having read until here, I know it was a lot this time).

Be safe,

Love always,

Lena.

P.S. Listen to Daughter (“Tomorrow”, “Youth”, or whatever really. The band is great and has been my company for a loooong while now)

(22.01.2021, 11:09h)

#dear charlie #Lena.

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