#writing this while angry at my grandparents xx

[aithusarosekiller]

There's an idea that's been floating in my mind for a while but I can't decide whether to make it Jegulus or Regulily...

It's sort of like a dark moody angel/vampire au with a lot of pining, long rich imagery, and whole ton of catholic guilt...

For reference regulus is the angel! And the vampire lures him away from his devotion and duty and causes him a load of conflict and self-induced suffering as he comes to terms with his 'ungodly' feelings and battles with his own free will

[futurewriter2000]

Flowers don’t grow in the dark - pt. 3

A/N: I know I totally forgot about this fic for some odd reason but I am writing it as you can see. I finished it today. I should be doing german but I am doing this instead because I got inspired. I am going to do german now. 

XX

Sirius always deplored morning. Every morning, he woke up after doing something completely reckless and unforgiving, he lamented to Merlin himself and cursed his own mother as he did. 

He woke up, wrapped in sheets with a pleasing smile on his lips. It was a consequence to the sexual experiance he always had with you. It always placed a pleased smile on him as Van Gogh would paint it himself. The only difference was the fifteen-year gap. 

He sat up, looking around until he found an alarm clock near the window. His eyes went wide. 

10:55. 

He has never slept this late and- “Harry!” he immediately thought of his Godson, who must be freaking out after their last night talk. 

‘ “Why didn’t you tell me!?” he fumed, clenching his fists and glaring at Sirius with his fiery green eyes. 

Sirius wanted to smile, reminiscing on the moment he was always pleased to remember. Harry fuming at him just as Lily did at James. 

But this wasn’t the time to reminisce of old memories. Harry wanted answers and he wanted them now. 

Sirius seized his hand into his pocker and pulled out an old but well-kept wallet. He pulled out a photo- polaroid and gave it to the angry boy in front. 

Harry tooked the photo and immediately relaxed as he saw his parents on it. “It’s mum-” he smiled widely as he saw Lily with an open-wide smile, almost hearing her laughter in his own head like a neglected memory he forgot he had. 

“James and I always made everybody laugh.” Sirius started as Harry looked up at him, then back at the polaroid. “But nobody could make her laugh as much as your aunt (y/n) did.” he simpered, reminding himself of the memories he buried in the darkest of corners. “(y/n) and I used to hate each other just because of your father. I hated how he always went to her rescue, even for the little of things, and she hated how he spent his time with me. Guess we were both a bit jealous of each other.” he pointed at the laughing James in the photo who was holding you in his arms, ruffling your hair as you tried to get out. “She was older than him- an hour or so- but he was always acting more older than any of us. She had a tendency going into more trouble than James and I ever did. Mostly to piss off James for embarrasing her. That was why she befriended your mother and that was why your mother haven’t liked James for so long and why (y/n) have been bickering most of the time.” 

“She didn’t want my parents to be together.” Harry furrowed his eyebrows and Sirius laughed. 

“Oh, she knew they were perfect for each other, she just made James work harder for it.” he continued to laugh and Harry smiled. “I know I never told you about her and I am sorry, Harry. It’s just- I loved her. Deeply.” he smiled as Harry already felt quite uncomfortable hearing Sirius be all emotional and giddy in front of him but at the same time, he felt proud to be the one Sirius trusted into for the secrets he hid. 

“But you said you hated her.” 

“We did but we did fancy each other secretly.” Sirius wanted to wink, implying into the strong sexual chemistry the two of you shared, but he quickly reminded himself that was his godson and he is not ready for the birds and bees talk yet. “She was blunt and direct. She never did me any favors as some girls did at that time. She was mean, pompous and irritating. Also annoying-” he leaned to Harry and narrowed his eyes. “That was a trait James and her showed the most. Both were loud and annoying.” he said and Harry laughed. “But she challanged me the most. She wasn’t afraid to tell me who I was and at the end, I found out all the wonderful traits on her that I was missing before.” 

“Like?”

“Like the one you share with her the most.” 

“You look a lot like your mother and father, Harry but you have a habit of losing your temper quite a lot. Now, when you pissed off you aunt, she popped like champagne and started bursting anything that came into her mind. When you write, you lean your T’s and L’s meanwhile you get most of Lily’s handwriting. You also have your way with getting into trouble without trying.” 

“I thought I got that after dad?”

“Nope. Your dad and I barely got caught meanwhile you, my dear boy, just end up in trouble without even meaning to.”

“It’s not my fault I can hear snakes in the walls.” he said and Sirius laughed, holding onto his stomach. 

“Bet.” he continued to laugh. “She used to use that same line whenever overheard Slytherins gossiping.” he shook his head and Harry smiled even brigher. And somehow, from nowhere he touched his collarbone. 

He used to do that since he was a kid but he never really understood why. It was as if something was missing but couldn’t truly know what. 

Sirius knew that back then and now. He knew exactly what was Harry doing. He stood up, walked to his drawer, opened it and searched under his clothes. It took him a while to find it but when he found the red velvet box, he let it sit in his hand for a while. Somehow it was the feeling- the feeling that felt as near of feeling of you... of the old you. 

He hasn’t opened it in years. He completely forgot it was there in the first place but whenever Harry touched his collar bone, he knew what he wanted. 

So he turned around with a smile and walked back to his godson, pointing at his chest. “You ever wondered why you are doing that?” he asked and Harry looked down on his chest, looking back up and shaking his head. 

“It’s a habit, I guess.” 

“It is a habit.” Sirius smiled, holding the box inbetween his palms. “The same habit your father and aunt shared.” he then revealed what he was hiding in his hands and offered it to Harry. 

He observed it at first, baffiling as if what could this be. A ring? Necklace? Bracelet? A pin? 

He opened the box carefully, revealing a beautiful golden necklace with a charm in the middle. Harry furrowed his eyebrows and looked up at Sirius. “It’s a leaf.”

Sirius laughed again, shaking his head. “It’s not any leaf, you pinhead. It’s an oak leaf.” he ruffled Harry’s hair and continued to chuckle. “There’s a tradition in your family that the grandparents give their grandchildren a golden necklace to secure them wealth, luck and joy in their life. Their grandparents gave them a necklace and when they were both 18 years old, James gave her a charm in the form of daisy, meanwhile she gave him a charm of a cactus.”

“And she gave me a leaf?” 

“Can you just listen. It has a beautiful meaning.” Sirius started to lose patience with this boy. “I’m trying to be all affecting and motherly. You’re ruining the moment.” he joked and Harry laughed. 

“Alright. Go on.” 

“As I was saying... this tradition was important to your aunt but since both of your grandparents passed away sooner than it was expected, she made it her decision to keep the tradition going.” he took the the necklace from the box and put it around his neck. “You can take it down if you want but the day you were born, she promised us all that you are going to be the brave one. She always said you’ll be braver than James and more stubborn than Lily, yet also more troublemaking than her. The next day she bought you a golden necklace- with the leaf.” he tilted his head as he clipped it together and looked at Harry. “An oak leaf- meaning patience, faith, power, endurance, and strength.”

Harry touched the leaf on his chest and it felt like this was it. He felt he warmth and fuzziness as he touched it with his hand. It felt right and up until now, he felt as if he had missed it all his life, not knowing what it is, but knowing and having it brought more than just a memory of you. It brought the feeling of family. 

“Both James and (y/n) always touched it. They both told me the same thing; that it brough them the feeling of family. I took it off you when you were a baby. Somehow I hated how it reminded me of her... after what she supposedly had done to you, James and Lily... and me.” he paused, looking at the smiling Harry. “I’m sorry, I kept it away hidden.” ‘ 

He told Harry he’d leave to catch up with you. He needed to know your intention with Harry and in general. 

Appereantly, his intentions got mixed in the process. He grabbed his clothes, searching for his shirt as he had not found it. 

He popped his head up as he was looking under the bed and narrowed his eyes at the distance. 

You stole his shirt. 

He went down the stairs, finding you in your shorts and his over-sized black T-shirt with a red Converse logo imprinted on it. You looked up innocently from your cup of coffee and grinned cheekly at the shirtless man in front of you. 

“Don’t you look at me like that.” he narrowed his eyes. “Last night was a mistake.” 

“Oh?” you tilted your head. “Was it really when you moaned out my name?” she winked and saw him blush in his pale white skin. 

You still knew the way his buttons worked. 

“You screamed mine.” he fired back but you only laughed.

“I’ve spent 15 years without sex. I bet if I had sex with a goblin I’d scream out his name.” you stood up and walked over to the sink, leaving Sirius shook. 

“So what? You wouldn’t-”

“Sirius.” you cut him off, turning around and standing still. “I stopped loving you years ago. I don’t love you. I don’t love anybody in fact anymore. Yesterday was just sex. Nothing more, nothing less. Just sex and if you think it meant something- anything. You are the most indefinite wrong.” 

“You don’t love me?” he kept his heart quite unconvinced. 

“Nope.” you said as he took a step forward, another and another until he was up front. 

He took a hold of his shirt on you and lift it up. “Then why are you wearing my shirt?” 

You looked down and beamed. “Oh!” you looked back up and laughed. “It suits me better.” you walked out of his reach, uneffected by anything he said and walking to the sink to throw in the cup. 

It was at this moment Sirius doubted his thoughts. Did you really not love him anymore? Did the girl who loved everything and everybody not love anything and anybody anymore? 

“Wait...”

“I’m home!” he heard a shout and turned around to see a man beaming at the door. “I bought food!” 

“Oh, yummy!” you laughed and jumped to the man who appeared in the front. 

He couldn’t quite put a finger on it and it took him a while to notice who this man was. 

The man was tall and slim- extremely slim, almost boney. His cheeks were sinkholes, drowning in blackness as well as his eyes. Beard was long and dark, frizzy and untreated. Hair was long as well but he couldn’t see the rest of the body that was covered in patched up clothes. 

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost, Black.” the man smiled and Sirius realized immediately who this was. “Now, I know I look like a corpse but I’m not dead yet.” 

“We put some food into you and you’ll be good as new.” you tap the mans cheek and quickly pulled away. “Maybe shave first.”

“Oh, I bought us some sissors and shaving cream.” he pulled out and you laughed.

“Mulciber?!” Sirius couldn’t bring himself from the shock. 

Mulciber pointed his finger at him then smiled at you. “Ah- there it is- wait?!” he looked at you, then kept swinging his finger between the two of you.

“I told you, didn’t I?”

“But I thought like later not like the second you got out.” 

“Pay up.” 

Sirius drew his eyebrows together, trying to put two and two together but felt hard time to do so. “Wait-”

“You can leave now, Sirius.” you tucked the money in your bra and walked with food bags to the table. 

Sirius turned to you sharply. “Did you bet me?!”

“I knew sooner or later you would come and find me. More than so, I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist the undeniable sexual tension we have.” you winked as Sirius clenched his jaw.

“You used me?”

“You used me first.”

“It’s not fair!”

“What isn’t fair exactly, Sirius?!” you snapped at him. 

“You being with Mulciber! Having bets with him! Being all friendly with him!!!”

“So, you’re jealous, are you Sirius?!” you took a step closer, watching him be quiet. “You had fifteen years to prove you loved me.” you sneered at him, gritting your teeth. “Fifteen long years but if you hadn’t done anything about me being taken away, you don’t get to be jealous about it. A lot can change in fifteen years-” you glanced behind him, looking at Mulciber. “And he has proven being more of a friend that you ever did as a fiance.” you kept glaring at him as he kept his expression was kept the same. 

You could feel the tension in his muscles, see how his jaw clenched and curses ran through his mind. 

Yes, this was the man you once loved but this man has broken you more than Azkaban ever did.

“Leave.” you growled, looking directly into his eyes. 

And he did. He left.

He left just as you did all those years ago; grieving. 

[holidaywishes]

Santa’s Pretend?

  Requested: 🙅‍♀️

  Summary: It’s Christmas time and the mall is packed. You take your daughter to the mall and Buck tags along because he wants in on the pictures.

  Warning: Some fluff, but really just Buck with kids and saying Santa isn’t real.

  Author’s Note: I saw this GIF set the other day of Buck + Kids and the last made me want to write a little thing about Buck saying Santa isn’t real to a kid and the mom trying to fix it.  GIF NOT MINE! Don’t @ me.

  masterlist

  the other masterlist

xx

  Christmas was a major event for the entire month of December around your house. Your parents had made sure it would be that way when you were growing up and the traditions just kind of.. stuck when you had your daughter. She loved Christmas just as much as you did and she made sure to make as big of a deal of it as your parents did every year; often over-exaggerating certain details to her friends. But the last two Christmases had been difficult, after the divorce, and you could tell that your daughter was feeling the stress of it all.

  “You ready for pictures?” you said enthusiastically to your daughter, who sat waiting for you on the couch while Miracle on 34th Street played on the screen.

  “We’re going to see Santa!” she exclaimed

  “And..” you started when there was a knock on the door, “Buck’s coming along for the day!”

  “Hey kiddo!” He greeted your daughter when you opened the door, outstretching his arms to catch her in a hug

  “BUCK!” she yelled out when she saw him, giggling when he picked her up.

  “Do we have a game plan?” He asked your daughter, mocking a serious tone and raising his eyebrow at her

  “We go in, stand in line, get the picture with Santa and then go skating!” She answered

  “Wha-?” you gasped, laughing at your daughters response, “Miranda! Who said anything about skating? Buck and I might have some things to do today you know...”

  “Skating won’t take long. Please!” your daughter whined and Evan joined her

  “Pleeeaaaseeeee!” You rolled your eyes at them before finally giving in

  “Fine. But only because it’s Christmas...” When the three of you got to the mall, Miranda immediately ran to line up to see Santa while you and Buck slowly followed behind her

  “Thank you,” you said to Evan, holding his hand while you waited in line, “I know this isn’t exactly how you wanted to spend your day off”

  “Are you kidding?” he countered with a smile, “I’d spend all of my days off like this. With you and Miranda.” You cuddled up next to him as the line moved slowly and kid after kid had their turn to tell Santa what they wanted for Christmas; you and Evan watch as Miranda got more excited with every step she took.

  “We’ll be back in five minutes everyone!” the Elf-Clad volunteer said from the makeshift North Pole, “Santa’s gotta recharge with some Hot Chocolate! Stay put and we’ll see you soon!”

  “What?!” A man yelled from the front of the line, “we’ve been waiting here for three hours and now that we’re at the front of the line you’re walking away?”

  “Sir, please,” the volunteer said calmly, “Santa needs a break. I understand that the wait has been long but his break will be quick. Believe me, he’ll be back in a Jiffy!” You and Evan smiled at each other at the young Elf’s attempt at staying positive

  “I don’t give a rats ass!” he yelled, leading you to cover Miranda’s ears before the man said anything worse, “if he knew he was going to get so tired so fast maybe there should’ve been a maximum for this line up. To prevent all of us wasting our god damn time while he sits in the back and gets drunk!”

  “YEAH!” the people in the lineup reinforced the mans points but you just looked around anxiously

  “I mean why should we let a drunk guy in a costume talk to our kids in the first place?! Have them sit on his lap?!”

  “YEAH!” The crowd repeated

  “I’ve got shit to do today and I don’t want to waste another three hours waiting for Jolly ‘Ol St, Nck to come back just as drunk as when he left!”

  “Mommy?” Miranda asked you, turning to face you, “what’s going on?”

  “Nothing sweetheart,” you answered, “a man is just upset that Santa went on a break.”

  “Santa went away?”

  “He was thirsty so he went to get some Hot Chocolate!”

  “Are we going to see him?!” Miranda asked, panic starting in her voice

  “Of course, baby,” you said, brushing her hair behind her ear, “we just have to wait a little bit longer.”

  “THERE’S KIDS HERE WHO WANT TO SEE SANTA!” A lady from behind you yelled, presumably after listening to the conversation between you and your daughter

  “Miss please” Evan started

  “Santa will be back soon and all the children will be able to see him before the day is done!” The volunteer repeated

  “LET THE KIDS SEE SANTA!“

  “Miss” You and Evan tried to calm the lady down before things got too out of control

  “BRING BACK SANTA!” She chanted and it wasn’t long before the entire line was chanting along with her

  “BRING BACK SANTA! BRING BACK SANTA! BRING BACK SANTA! BRING BACK SANTA!”

  “IF YOU DON’T BRING HIM BACK,” you heard the man at the front shout, “I’LL GO BACK THERE AND BRING HIM OUT MYSELF!”

  “BRING BACK SANTA! BRING BACK SANTA!”

  “Mommy!” Miranda’s voice was trembling with fear and you kept her close to you

  “Evan maybe we should go,” you whispered, “I don’t like this.”

  “Yeah, maybe you’re right.” He agreed but not before the angry man stormed behind the curtain and brought out the Mall Santa who let out a string of curse words leaving all the parents desperately trying to cover their children’s ears

  “Santa said bad words!” Miranda stated before Evan picked her up and the three of you left the line and made your way to the skating rink

  “Miranda,” Evan started, kneeling in front of your daughter to try to explain, “I know you heard Santa say some bad words but you don’t have to worry about that okay?”

  “Why not?” Miranda asked and you listened intently, furrowing your brow as you were unsure of what he was going to say

  “Because that wasn’t really Santa!”

  “What?!” Miranda exclaimed and you hastily shook your head as your eyes grew wider at his confession, hoping he’d notice you

  “No see. That guy was just pretending to be Santa!”

  “EVAN!” You yelled in a whisper to him to get him to look at you

  “Santa’s pretend?!” Miranda started to cry, “Mommy! Why is Buck saying that Santa isn’t real?!“ You knelt down in front of her, glaring at Evan before looking your daughter in her eyes

  “Let’s go get some Hot Chocolate okay?”

xx

  When you got home, Evan lingered outside the door not wanting to overstep his bounds.

  “Come in, Evan...” You smiled and he obliged

  “So...” Miranda started, climbing up on the couch, “Santa’s not real?”

  “I shou--” Evan began but you stopped him by putting a finger in front of his lips, smiling at him before shaking your head.

  “Do you remember when I first told you the story of Santa Claus?” You asked and she nodded as Evan slowly sat on the adjacent couch, “Did you ever have any questions about how any of it was possible? Even when I told you it was magic?”

  “I guess...” she replied

  “Well here’s the truth. There isn’t one Santa. The Santa at the mall was one of many Santa's”

  “So Santa is pretend..? How do the presents get under the tree and in the stockings?”

  “Well.. Mommy does that.” Her eyes fell to the floor, “your grandparents did that for me and their parents did that for them and so on. That alone doesn’t make us Santa.”

  “I don’t understand” she admitted and you smiled

  “There is magic in Christmas. In the things that you cannot see and can only feel and believe in. Santa is that magic for so many of us, even if he’s not a real person. We’re all Santa. We keep Santa alive so that the magic and the spirit of Christmas can live on in you and me and Evan and Chris and Eddie and Bobby and Daddy and everyone we know and love. Daddy and I taught you to believe in Santa so you could believe in yourself too. In your ability to be kind and loving and gentle and jolly and hopeful and giving and strong and happy. So, no, there’s no one Santa and they don’t live at the North Pole. Santa lives in our hearts. I’m Santa, Buck is Santa and you will be too. We’re all apart of this wonderful, magical secret as long as we keep the spirit alive. Does that make sense?”

  “I think so.” She said as you leaned in to hug her tightly, “so like. We’re part of a secret club but we can’t tell anyone?”

  “Yeah. Kind of.” She smiled at you, “I love you sweetheart.”

  “I love you, too, Mommy,” she jumped off the couch and started to run to her bedroom to get ready for bed, “I love you too Buck!”

  “Love you kiddo!” He turned to you and smiled before dropping his head to the floor

  “Hey” you laughed

  “I’m sorry” he responded

  “Don’t be. I think it’s good that we were able to talk about it. I mean, sure, maybe I would’ve liked it to happen differently but we were bound to have the conversation eventually.”

  “You were great though” he smiled

  “Trust me, I’ve been googling this stuff for years for fear that this day would come,” you confessed, “I found all these speeches on Pinterest. Thank Goodness for Pinterest.” You and Evan both laughed before you heard Miranda call out for him to tuck her in and you were left alone, realizing you know had to tell your ex that your daughter knew the truth about Santa.

[accidental-psalms-blog]

Ellie

"You have to be ready, Ellie," my grandfather said. "The world is cruel, and you will lose everything and everyone you've known and loved."

"What does that mean, lolo?" my seven-year-old self inquired. I wasn't really listening. I just indulged him because he bought me ice cream; I was too busy licking the excess off of the cone to take on this conversation. The next moment, my grandfather reached for the cold, cheese-flavored confectionery and took it away from my sticky hands.

"Lolo!" I protested.

"I said: you will lose everything. Are you listening?" he said in a stern voice.

"I'm listening!" I said. "Please give me my ice cream back..."

He did, and then told me to "Go, play."

My grandfather was a harsh man, but he carried a softness that would make people talk about him kindly despite his strictness. I'd known for a while that his family — most especially his grandchildren — were his weakness.

I did not understand it fully then, but his blue eyes contained a sadness that is similar to the arrival of dusk: a certain gloom tinged by the slightest optimism, brought on by the change of rule when the sun abdicates its stellar throne and moonlight claims sovereignty over the sky.

***

I finished my elementary education while living with my grandparents on my father's side of the family. I liked them both equally, but I was closer to my grandfather than anyone (I spent some time with grandma, too, but she spent most of her afternoons gambling with the neighbors).

He loved arts and crafts; be it sculpture, painting, music, or literature, but my grandfather loved the art of mapmaking most of all. He would often commission local artists to make maps of different places for him. My favorite was the one of Panay, with Boracay Island placed like an awkward piece of beef jerky from across this gigantic blanket of prime meat. I think it was drawn by Kurt, the artist next-door who wanted nothing more than two bottles of beer and a stimulating conversation for such a beautifully-colored map.

My grandfather and I spent a lot of time together during my elementary days, and I loved mornings with him the most. Every sunrise, he would take me to Mang Eric's store to get some Yakult, or Chocolait if it's a Wednesday. That is, if I could wake up as early as 6 AM. If I woke up any later, then no Yakult for me.

Of course, I know that it's his own way of getting me to wake up early in the morning and exercise, but if I'm getting a Yakult (or a Chocolait!) out of it, then I don't see a reason to wake up late.

***

I remember waking up at 5:30 one Wednesday morning to the sound of rain, feeling particularly excited about the chocolate drink I would have later. I washed my face, drank some water, and ran to my grandfather's bedroom which, curiously, still had its door closed. I knocked.

"Lolo? Lolo! Lolo, wake up," I yelled. I remember thinking that it was unusual for me to wake up before he did; I know for a fact that he can wake up as early as 3 AM.

My seven-year-old self did not understand the sinking feeling I had then, one that brought frustration, the way one feels when trying to catch a butterfly in vain. I knocked again three times, louder this time. My grandma would probably get angry with me. But I didn't care. It's Wednesday. Everything is better on Wednesdays.

"Lolo!" I shouted. Outside, the rain went on, and I felt as if the raindrops mocked what little voice I had.

The doorknob turned, and the door slowly opened. It was my grandma who said "Sorry, Ellie. Lolo cannot go out today. He is very sick."

"Can I see him?"

"Later, darling," she said.

***

My grandfather did not die that day. In fact, he lived for many years later — much longer than the days I could spend with him. When I needed to be in high school, I had to go to away and live with my parents in the city. I met new people, new friends, and life became much more than just Yakult, and Chocolait, and Sunday ice cream. There were boys to crush on, books and TV series to speculate on and overanalyze, and Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and all those things I never even imagined would take over my teenage life.

The news of my grandfather's rather unceremonious passing came to us in the middle of my third year in high school, while I was burning brain cells for a barrage of exams that I'll encounter in the following weeks. He died of tuberculosis.

"Your father and I are attending the funeral, sweetie. Will you come?" my mother asked.

"No," I replied. "I need to read— there's just a lot of stuff going on at school right now, mom. Please tell grandma that I love her."

"Alright. Take care of things here, and don't push yourself too hard." she said.

Later that afternoon, I found myself binging on Game of Thrones episodes and fangirling about how Jon Snow should really just end up ruling all of Westeros because he is the one guy that cares and he deserves it.

I will not pretend that I wanted to go to the funeral. I didn't. At the time, I was thinking, it's such a waste of time, the dead are. I knew my grandfather when he was alive, and he made my childhood more colorful. That much is true. He knows that I love him, and I am saddened by his passing, and I think that that is enough. If ever he is watching me, by some notion of the supernatural being true, then he will know that I meant no disrespect.

There's just a lot of things that are more important and more enjoyable than attending someone's funeral right now. I went on with my week, thinking nothing more of it.

***

When my parents came back from the funeral, they brought unripe mangoes and freshly-picked corn. While we were feasting on the produce after lunch, mother told me that grandma found an unsent letter among my grandfather's belongings. The date on the envelope said that he apparently finished the letter three days before his passing.

"Oh? Who's it for?" I asked, intrigued.

"Here," my mother reached into her handbag and produced a sealed white envelope with a map of Panay printed on it. I read the writing on the front: "09/21/2011. For Ellie."

I walked off to my room without a word.

***

xx

Dear Ellie,

I have been thinking about you more and more often these past few days. I know you are faring way better than I can ever, and that alone gives me consolation. The thought of you being energetic, excelling at school, and pursuing some manner of art gives me joy. What remaining energy I have after the days are done, I spend praying that you be kept safe.

You had always been a pearl in my and your grandmother's eyes. When your parents asked us to take care of you in your elementary days — perhaps in a most elaborate attempt to teach you to never forget your roots — we were, at first, reluctant. We are old, and we don't know if we could still handle such a task.

But you made it easier for us, dear one, by being the sweetest girl to grace this boring town. I thought that if I was made solely for the ultimate purpose of taking care of you, then I would accept that I have lived a very full life, indeed.

And yet, see, I am wasting away now, dear child. Whatever life I had is leaving me.

Do you remember when I said that you will lose everything and everyone you have known and loved? When you went away to continue your studies in the city, that was when I felt this truth hurt me the most. I've accepted that you will forget us. Perhaps not completely, but we will be nothing but a very faint memory, one that will be filed behind a multitude of sensations, and whatever tickles the fancy and vigor of youth these days.

I yammer and this must be tiring you; I must get to the point. The purpose of this letter is to ask: Will you come see and us again, soon? Even for one last time. Your grandmother and I will be grateful to have you grace this household once more. I already asked her to prepare your favorite sinigang when you come, as well as to stock the fridge full of Yakult and Chuckie (it's what they call Chocolait these days — I personally hate that cartoon cow, but the drink tastes great all the same).

I hope you will, dear. I actually have more than a feeling that you will grant this request, because I wrote this on a Wednesday, and we both know that everything is better on Wednesdays. Better enough that I even wrote a poem, see:

*

You will not need a map

The drawings and maps are all gone, Ellie, taken away by a dozen storms, but you must not worry; you will not need them to find me.

I will be the memory of a little valley, a little store on the off-road, the melting ice cream on Sunday afternoons.

The colors fade from my skin, like a blackbird losing feathers to reveal what pale skin lies underneath; weak, frail.

But I believe that even if all of the maps are gone, dear Ellie, you will not need them to find me.

*

That's it, dear one. I'm afraid I've written what this poor mind could handle to write for a day. Should you decide to come visit, let us know soon.

Sincerely, Your Grandfather

xx

***

I cried that whole afternoon.

I suppose there's no truer adage than "You'll never know what you have been missing until it's gone," but after all was said and done I felt a sense of contentment and purpose, thankful for my parents and my grandparents for making my childhood just that much better.

I had never thanked my grandfather properly, and I have to admit that I was insensitive about his funeral. But I'm a woman of means now, and the idea of giving back was instilled my heart from the day I read that letter. Now, at twenty-eight, I spend my spare time doing volunteer work for a local organization that helps children deal with domestic abuse.

Everyone can be a gift to the world. An act of random kindness, a smile, a melody, a little poem, or the mere act of sharing bowls of sinigang with the next door neighbors, can make a difference. There is no escaping from loss; loss will always be there.

All that matters is how we deal with loss moving forward. And, as my grandfather taught me, I need no map.

[alicetalksaboutlife]

The Manchester Bombing

How can people be so hateful? Honestly?? I do not understand what possesses someone to attack a concert where the average age is less than 20. 19 people are dead and at least 50 are injured. I know one of those 50 - she is the daughter-in-law of one of not only my parents best friends but also the people I consider to be my third grandparents. I cannot begin to fathom how they feel with one of their family members in the hospital with shrapnel wounds, but I can tell you how I feel. I feel scared, hopeless, and most of all, I feel angry. 

I am scared about the state of the world. I do not understand why people have to hurt other people to feel good about themselves. How does hurting others help anything? How is humanity supposed to progress if we still have humans who are willing to destroy other humans? We are all the same. Why is this so hard to understand? Everyone wants the same things: to survive, to belong, to be respected, and to create a legacy. Yes, we all have our differences, but in the grand scheme of things, these differences are insignificant when you look at humanity as a whole. I am scared to travel, and I love to travel. I am scared of the future, yet the future is all that lays ahead of me. I am scared of the worst because the worst keeps getting closer. 

I feel hopeless. I’ve only been alive for seventeen years, but in this short lifespan, I have watched so much oppression and destruction. Yes, I understand I have not lived through a World War, however, I do live in the age of terrorism. Terrorism is a disgusting act. There is no justifiable reason to perform these treacherous acts. End of story. I feel hopeless because I feel like there is nothing that I can do to stop where the world is going. From 9/11 to now, everything keeps going badly, getting a little better, then getting worse again. Humanity is heading in a downward spiral, and I don’t know how easy it will be to turn it around. I hope things can get better, but I honestly don’t know. 

But most of all, I am angry. I am angry that people think it is ok to hurt each other. To hurt children. I am angry that it has become a daily occurrence to hurt one another. But most of all, I am angry about how common place it has all become. There are terror attacks almost monthly, and this is unacceptable. I do not want my children to grow up in the same world that I grow up in now. I don’t want my children to grow up afraid, and although I may feel hopeless, I am willing to do whatever it takes to change this twisted world we live in. 

I have cried at least three times while writing this. I am so overwhelmed with emotions, but I know that feeling upset will do nothing. I need to channel this energy for good and for change. To all of those affected by the Manchester Bombing, you are deep in my thoughts, and I hope that there will be justice. To the selfish bastard who decided to attack the innocent concert-goers, I hope you know that although your act was hurtful and terrifying, we will all band together against you. To everyone in the world, “always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and loved more than you know” - Christopher Robin. Together, we can take a stand and fight these atrocities. Together we can be the change.

- Alice xx

[crotchexplorer666]

ALL

Ri beat yew to it, Gnart. x’”D

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?My brother. He messed something up on one of my game accounts and kept crying even though I kept telling him I wasn’t angry.

2. Are you outgoing or shy?Both? This is a hard question..

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?Uh, all of my friends?? No matter how long it takes...

4. Are you easy to get along with?If I like you. I’m really good at avoiding people.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?Probably. They better tell me that I did some wacky things while I was drunk, or I will be very ashamed of myself.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?No single personality type. People who don’t think they’re smarter than me are nice. ;D

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?No.

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?Chuck Norris. When there’s a meteor shower, Chuck Norris grabs a bar of soap.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?A little, but it depends on who’s bringing up the conversation. 

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?Does insulting myself with deep remarks count..? Otherwise, @rubbishbin--trash. c”x

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“My Gatorade bottle is empty... RIP x666”@the-devils-assisstant

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?- “Take Me Home Tonight” by Eddie Money- “Magic Man” by Heart- “Hells Bells” by AC/DC- “Renegade” by Styx- “Come on Eileen” by (I think) Dexy’s Midnight Runners- +1000 more13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?No, but people really like to??

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?Oh, yes. What else would I do?

15. What good thing happened this summer?Summer camp, and I drew a little-

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?My dad? I don’t care..?

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?Eh, I don’t mind hearing other people’s opinions.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?Carlos? Nah.

19. Do you like bubble baths?I’ve only had one bubble bath in my life. With Claire. x”D 

20. Do you like your neighbors?They are so nice, and then I feel bad for not visiting them more often. One time, I had to borrow someone’s phone, so I went over to Anne’s house (she’s probably in her 40s because the neighbors around here aren’t usually young). Before she let me borrow her phone, she let me inside to eat cookies with her and started asking how I was doing and being so nice.

21. What are your bad habits?Biting my lip, hating on myself whenever no one else is around to distract me, forgetting to eat..? x”D

22. Where would you like to travel?To any of my internet friends. .v.

23. Do you have trust issues?No, but that isn’t all that great.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?There is no “daily” routine ^^’, but I like going to jazz band practice on Wednesday nights.

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? M y n o s e.

26. What do you do when you wake up?Check my phone-

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?Lighter. I was always jealous of people with very pale skin because then their hair could be dyed any color without having to worry about it clashing with their skin color. ;o; 

28. Who are you most comfortable around?Myself.

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?I have no ex’s-

30. Do you ever want to get married?Yes. ;v;

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?Yeah. xx I’m too wimpy to cut it short.

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?No, thanks-

33. Spell your name with your chin.jdennkcvdfdOMG THAT ALMOST WORKED

34. Do you play sports? What sports?Cross country in ze fall, softball, and I wanted to do track but softball was in the same season. xx

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?No TV, pls. I’ll make my own cartoons if I have to..

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?Duh.

37. What do you say during awkward silences?Do you like cats?

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?Uh-- I’m very flexible-- Though I would love it if someone (even just a friend) wrote me a poem. ;w; I write poems for my teachers and friends.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?I go all around the place??

40. What do you want to do after high school?yo mama Go to UCLA

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?Mhmm, even murderers. (A reasonable second chance with the adequate amount of security cameras making sure they don’t repeat their wrongdoings.)

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?There’s chaos inside my mind.

43. Do you smile at strangers?Yeah, doesn’t everyone?? .o. Just me?? Okay..

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?Neither.. c”x I like staying on dry land..

45. What makes is the reason you get out of bed in the morning?@natisuttertrash

46. What are you paranoid about?Everything-

47. Have you ever been high?Nah.

48. Have you ever been drunk?Nuh-uh, but I intend to one day. (weird goals)

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?I don’t think so.

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?Gray. (PE clothes..)

51. Ever wished you were someone else?Hell, yes. 

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?M y n o s e

53. Favourite makeup brand?None?

54. Favourite store?Nope..

55. Favourite blog?I can’t choose a favorite, guys. ;o;

56. Favourite colour?Red. Any variation of red. Pink, maroon, etc. Black and white look great with red, too. ;v; Red, black, and white. y e s

57. Favourite food?All things with rice.

58. Last thing you ate?Pretzels..

59. First thing you ate this morning?P-pretzels..

60. Ever won a competition? For what?A chugging competition with soda. x”D

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?Noooooo

62. Been arrested? For what?Nooooooooooooooooo

63. Ever been in love?...Yes

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?Uh, I doubt kissing someone on the cheek in a game of “family” when I was 7 counts.

65. Are you hungry right now?Nah, I had an ass-load of pretzels. Many donkey bags full. 

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?They are all equal. ^^

67. Facebook or Twitter?I don’t use either. xx (I have accounts, I just don’t use ‘em.)

68. Twitter or Tumblr?Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?Nah.

70. Names of your best friends?Is it bad that I have ten-- I do have to admit, I have my favorites. (But I won’t say..)

71. Craving something? What?Pretzels.

72. What colour are your towels?All the colors. Literally. There’s even burgundy, mint, etc. in the mix. It’s kinda ugly.

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?Sometimes one, sometimes six.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?I sleep with my kitty. ;v;

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?More stuffed animals than pretzels.

75. Favourite animal?Cats--

76. What colour is your underwear?Of course I just happened to be wearing my ONLY pair of hot pink panties right now.

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?Vanilla.

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?Mint chip, FTW.

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?What if I’m not wearing a shirt..? (It’s blue)

80. What colour pants?Black with ninja turtles.

81. Favourite tv show?S p o n g e b o b will always be my #1.

82. Favourite movie?Either Blended, Mean Girls, or this other one I can’t remember atm.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?The original is always boss. Both slay me, tho.

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?Mean Girls

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?KAREN SMITH ;O;

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?Nemo’s mom.

87. First person you talked to today?My dad.

88. Last person you talked to today?@the-devils-assisstant

89. Name a person you hate?I’d rather not say. c”x

90. Name a person you love?@natisuttertrash

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?Me.

92. In a fight with someone?No? I don’t think so?

93. How many sweatpants do you have?I don’t know. x”D

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?At least four.

95. Last movie you watched?The Cobbler.

96. Favourite actress?Marilyn Monroe.

97. Favourite actor?ADAM SANDLER-- YOU DONT NEED TO ASK ME TWICE

98. Do you tan a lot?Not intentionally ;^;

99. Have any pets?My precious kitty, Benjamin. .D.

100. How are you feeling?Do I have to answer every question on this??

101. Do you type fast?If you asked one of my friends, they’d say something along the lines of: “Hell, yes.”

102. Do you regret anything from your past?Ye; I lie about that a lot, though.

103. Can you spell well?Y E S

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?Oh, yeah. Sydney was the best. ;n;

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?Yes, actually. 

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?Probably. xx

107. Have you ever been on a horse?Oh, yeah. My first time on a horse was TACKLESS on an ARABIAN on a RAINY DAY. (Luckily Liesie’s the horse wrangler.)

108. What should you be doing?I don’t know.

109. Is something irritating you right now?Yes. You never asked what.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?Yeah. >~

111. Do you have trust issues?Refer to #23, I think.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?I don’t remember.

113. What was your childhood nickname?J-J

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?Well, I was born in Tokyo, moved to the US, and moved three times within the state while visiting my grandparents in China every summer (until they passed away).

115. Do you play the Wii?I don’t have one of those thingies. x”D

116. Are you listening to music right now?Yes... PSYCHIC, I TELL YOU.

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?Yes but I ran out of it ;o;

118. Do you like Chinese food?I am Chinese.

119. Favourite book?Any Percy Jackson book. ;D Is it bad that I still ship Reyco after Riordan crushed some of our hearts in a subtle way by having Reyna brother-zone Nico and then having Nico and Will get together?? 

120. Are you afraid of the dark?Not when I’m with someone else.

121. Are you mean?I don’t know. Am I?

122. Is cheating ever okay?Depends.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?Nah. x”D

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?Y e s

125. Do you believe in true love?What’s your definition of true love?

126. Are you currently bored?No, because I have this 150-question thingy to take care of--

127. What makes you happy?Music.

128. Would you change your name?YES. I would literally change my name from Jenn to June. 

129. What your zodiac sign?Gemini.

130. Do you like subway?Subway or subways? Subway is okay. I don’t think I’ve ever been on a subway.

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?Lock myself in a room and think everything through.

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?Wasn’t this already asked??

133. Favourite lyrics right now?The lyrics of “Come Together” by Beatles. (I prefer the Aerosmith cover, tho)

134. Can you count to one million?Nope.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?I tell a lot of dumb lies to make it obvious that I’m lying. That’s just how I fail at being funny. ;w;

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?Closed.

137. How tall are you?5′3

138. Curly or Straight hair?My hair never decides. Everytime I take a shower I never know if it will drive straight, wavy, or curly. xx Plus it’s hard to brush.

139. Brunette or Blonde?Brunette. MY HAIR IS DARK BROWN; N O T B L A C K.

140. Summer or Winter?Winter days, Summer nights (I prefer Summer nights).

141. Night or Day?Night. ;u;

142. Favourite month?December. 

143. Are you a vegetarian?No, but sometimes it seems like it. x”D

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?A l l o f t h e m.

145. Tea or Coffee?

146. Was today a good day?Meh.

147. Mars or Snickers?Snickers.

148. What’s your favourite quote?Ahhh, too little time left over to decide.

149. Do you believe in ghosts?This question is too hard. c”x

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?“The children’s pants had large wooden boxes in them.”

[fallingupandgrowingdown-blog]

thoughts of a lonely, apathetic asshole.

i. I take a train into Boston because it's the first place I think of that doesn't sound like your name.

ii.

A pigeon shits on my head as I'm wandering around. I should be mad, but I'm too busy seeing your favorite color to notice anything else.

iii.

I get tired of writing about you, so I try to write about a stranger I see buying milk. You used to like milk. I wonder if you still do, or if your mind's changed and you've decided you like another drink more because it goes better with your spaghetti. My entire plan has been foiled by the worst dairy product in the world.

iv.

I decide I hate you.

v.

I decide I hate myself more.

vi.

I decide there's no point in hating either one of us when we each have our own angry mobs forming straight behind us.

vii.

I wonder if they'll bring pitchforks and torches, or if that's too medieval. I wonder if you're afraid of fire; I never asked. I wonder why I never asked.

viii.

My brother invites me to lunch, but I don't go. I can't stand to see the electricity between him and his wife, not as long as mine's been cut off.

ix.

I eat at a hot dog stand because it seems like the thing to do in a big city. It's tasteless.

x.

I decide I love you.

xi.

I decide I don't, and chalk it up to loneliness.

xii.

I wonder why people cling to the dead -- poets, grandparents, pets, friendships. But then I realize it's because they've already hurt you when they died, and they can't do it again.

xiii.

I change my mind. The dead may hurt you once, but it drags it out, occasionally dropping off the face of the earth just long enough for you to think it's over before it jumps out of an alleyway and sucker punches you, stealing your wallet in the process.

xiv.

The dead can be such assholes.

xv.

I wonder how long I was holding onto a corpse before I realized how dead we were. Your feet were always so cold anyway; how was I supposed to know?

xvi.

I decide to rent a hotel room even though your name is now graffitied onto the underpasses and whispering in the clanks of glasses. I don't want to leave. I'm digging my nails into air.

xvii.

I take a shower to wash the pigeon shit out of my hair. I watch TV to drain your favorite color from my eyes. I fall asleep to restore my taste buds. I dream to bring myself one step closer to everything that's already died.

xviii.

My brother invites me to dinner but I'm already twenty minutes late, so I don't go at all. You were always running late, and the thought of you scrambling around your room for your wallet makes me so tired that I fall asleep again.

xix.

I wake up not knowing what I've dreamed of. My hand is asleep, and I have to wonder whether it's holding yours in a dream right now.

xx.

I decide I wonder too much. This thought leads me to wonder if that's one of the reasons you're gone, and I have to kick myself until bruises form in my brain to stop myself from wondering anymore.

xxi.

I try falling asleep but come to the conclusion that sleeping is futile; I bet myself that she's snoring in your ear right now while you steal all the covers and it makes the room tilt to the right.

xxii.

I take an early train home even though the word has lost all meaning.