#writing sad relationships is weirdly fun idk why...

[ur-fav-alien]

Chapters: 4/4 Fandom: All Elite Wrestling Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Orange Cassidy/Chuck Taylor, Donovan Danhausen/Hook, Red Velvet/Kris Statlander, Trent Beretta & Rocky Romero, mention of Trent Beretta/Wheeler Yuta Characters: Orange Cassidy, Chuck Taylor, Donovan Danhausen, Hook (Professional Wrestling), Red Velvet (Professional Wrestling), Kris Statlander, Trent Beretta, Rocky Romero Additional Tags: A Valentine's Day fic in March, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Developing Relationship, Mutual Pining, bros being bros, Break Up, anthology fic (kinda), Kayfabe Compliant, demon!Danhausen and human!Donovan, devil!Hook Series: Part 8 of Danhausen + Friends Summary:

4 different stories about 6 different best friends. What will this year's Valentine's Day bring them? Love? Heart break? Secrets revealed? oOooOOoOOo

[sayakxmi]

[Magi reread; special edition] Night 36.5: Night Flight & Night 37: Rememberance

So, fun fact, remember how in the previous chapter Morgiana just took Alibaba & left? Well, apparently Ohtaka made an extra, Night 36.5, which covers that flight.

Here it is.

Like, I'm already dealing with this dumb photo limit, guys, so I'll just stick to commenting it. Overall, it's just really neat, and worth reading. Also, I was right regading the WHY Morgiana sees Alibaba as her benefactor (spending that month in Qishan, using his wealth to help out her and all the other former slaves). It's really neat, honestly. The fact that she wants to thank him, and she wants to help him out now that he might need it, too.

There's just two small probems.

One of them is the fact that it's made into a joke - Alibaba hears none of it, because he's busy passig out, cuz she's moving too fast, and that really doesn't look good. Why is it that whenever Morgiana tries to be voulnerable, Alibaba doesn't hear it? There's gonna be at least one more moment like that in the future (god, I'm not there yet, and I'm already dreading these fucking boat chapters; last time I didn't finish my reread, because of them, ugh), and that doesn't promise a very good romantic relationship for the both of them. Again, Morgiana's an exception for Alibaba, but in a negative way.

And then there's the other problem with it - it's an extra. Remember how I've said that there were signs of Morgiana being eventually sidelined? This is one of them. Why is it an extra? Why not make it a part of the chapter? Why isn't it treated like something important? Why aren't Mogiana's feelings treated like something imporant? The writing's were on the wall, guys, they really were.

----Night 37----

He means Anime!Sinbad.

Thank you, Ja'far, for being the one guy to remember this.

Oh my fucking god. I was always thinking how weirdly Alibaba's lips were detailed for some reason. His mouth is open. That's all. They're not detailed. It's just open mouth. Oh my fucking god.

That realization aside, I am, once again, sad.

I want to say something funny or insightful, but I'm mostly just sad reading that. "Hehe, to think that there were so many things that I can do!" There are, but you wanted to see your best friend again. And he broke that promise you've made. Not because he wanted to, just because he feels trapped in the mess he's currently in. Man, I'm just sad.

Why is he so cute.

Ughm stop making me feel feelings.

AGH

COME ON

Of course you were. You decided this is your bestest friend ever several hours into meeting him, bro. Agh, this shit must hurt so badly.

Hm.

SHE JUST YEETED HIM IN

Talk about awkward, but also, gdi, Alibaba, you sure end up in this sort of position more often than you should.

Awkward.

They're trying ok.

You know, I blame neither of them here. Morgiana has a point, but I also get that it's difficult for Alibaba to talk about it, and he's under so much pressure already, to have just another person come here and tell him to hurry up and do something. Like, I do feel bad. But again, I get where Morgiana's impatience comes from.

Totally understandable.

And you're right. But you're missing a lot of context that you're about to get.

Still, her reaction is understandable, and, frankly, so is Alibaba's hesitance. Like I've said, I blame neither here. They're both in their own rights.

Like, for the past six months that's kind of what Alibaba's been dealing with, because of Cassim. No matter how much I love him, and I love their relationship in general, that most certainly was pretty abusive. We've already seen it. So to suddenly have another person yell and demand things from him...

Aladdin is (technically literally) a godsend. It honestly matters so much that he lets Alibaba actually cool down first. Also, worth mentioning that the conversation between Alibaba and Cassim happened, idk, half an hour earlier? It's probably still fresh in his mind.

He waited for him : (

I can't with him still similing. God.

Ugh, the fact that he DOESN'T JUDGE HIM. Everybody always judges him, or demands things from him, but here is Aladdin, who, in spite of everything, still believes in him. I just fucking can't, y'all.

You won't meet him until much much much later, you'll even manage to die in the meantime.

Existence is pain, I am suffering, this is just too fucking much, god, look, how Cassim is smiling, he's a baby, oh my god, I'm so fucking sad man, why was I born in this world, just to suffer-

[tequiladimples]

I hope this doesn't come off as rude, but I saw that you dislike when collision is branded het cause you're not het, but no one's talking about you personally? like for me, I really like collision but I can understand the criticism in a way and that isn't an attack on you (or an attack at all lol). again hope I'm not rude but idk it seems unnecessary to get upset, it's better to take it as constructive criticism

sigh i don't think ur rude but it simply isn't constructive.

look i’ll talk abt this one more time n then i Beg we can put it to rest! (this is gna be a lot of word vomit but if i'm elaborative now i hope i won't have to talk abt this ever again)

i’m deeply insecure abt many aspects of collision. i don’t really keep that a secret. i also know some ppl don't like fantasy, some ppl don't like the kinds of dynamics i like, some ppl don't vibe with my style of writing (hell, i barely vibe with my style of writing). those things are fine. i can't control that and i don't take that personally. the reason why this is the one critique i do take personally is because it genuinely presumes wrongful, harmful things about me and my values, especially when i've made deliberate efforts to avoid writing the exact flavor of fic they're accusing me of having written. just because people don’t mean for what they say to reflect back on me, doesn’t stop it from doing so.

the thing about calling something a “het fic” is that the term brings along certain connotations which i don’t stand by at all and feel deeply uncomfortable and distraught to possibly have created. i’ve gone over this godforsaken story again and again just to be absolutely sure i didn’t actually do so. when people say “het fic” they generally don’t mean “boy meets girl and they fall in love”, they mean “super rude and mean boy meets uptight virtuous girl and makes her fall in dependence with him through manipulation and treating her like shit until she behaves how he wants.” and that is straight up not the fic i wrote. i’m not stupid. i know the dynamic i went with is widely and easily misused and there’s a lot of fiction depicting really bad, uneven, unhealthy relationships through it. i knew this going in, and i’ve tried persistently to avoid making those same mistakes. 

skipping over the fact that they’re both boys (bc duh)--harry doesn't exhibit any real manipulative power over louis. collision harry is a grumpy, fruity little nerd who happened upon a really unfortunate lot in life and managed to trick himself into believing he's evil for like half a second of the story and his resolves crumble like a danish pastry the moment he receives his first hug. he's kind of aloof and arrogant, and understandably hardened from his past, but he's not bad. he's just lost. that's the basis of his character arc. now on the other hand, louis has harry wrapped around his finger starting like chapter 4. harry’s the one who opens up emotionally first, harry’s the one desperately seeking louis’ approval and caring about his opinion, harry’s the one who makes himself vulnerable continuously throughout the entire story. the only time louis makes himself vulnerable on a comparable scale is during the smut scenes, and even then, harry is gentle and attentive and puts louis first. louis is less experienced than harry in that area, but he isn't scared or intimidated by harry, and he has full reigns of the progression and nature of their relationship as a whole. that’s kind of how it needs to go with tough x soft dynamics for the power balance to not feel uneven, and i wrote the story accordingly. if you then happen to still be so blindly determined to associate soft/small with weakness (and thereby uh, womanhood ig) that you still felt like louis had an inferior position to harry solely because he is indeed soft/small, that sounds quite frankly like a you problem.

now, the whole point of louis’ character is that he’s underestimated. sure, he’s naive and self-centered and sheltered from the real world--that’s the basis of his character arc. those things all change. but louis isn’t ever weak. like idk who apparently needs to hear this but you can be small and simultaneously not be a pushover. the two aren’t mutually exclusive. there isn’t a single time louis takes shit in this story, especially not from harry; he gives back as good as he gets every time. oh! and then he literally saves the entire universe and the execution of that whole thing was his idea alone. i tried really hard to underline how strong-willed and full of grit he is to contrast what others think of him. if you think he’s portrayed as a meek and frail damsel, you missed the point. once again, i feel like we circle back to this misconception of louis being kind of naive and physically small = louis being inferior = louis being female. just do some soul searching.

(i could also get into the fact that for a bunch of people who don’t know these boys personally (no matter how much we like to think we do), this fandom is weirdly opinionated about characterization. especially regarding sexual stuff. i know creating a version for ourselves of who we think these boys are based on things we recognize in ourselves or things we find endearing is part of the comfort with loving them. but that doesn’t really equate to actually knowing them, and besides, this is fan fiction; no one’s opting to write a biography, anyway. being experimental and explorative and putting different aspects of their personalities in different lightings is what makes fic fun. if someone’s writing harmful or one-dimensional characters, that’s one thing, and preferences is again whatever floats your boat. but the “out of character” argument feels mostly really strange to me. this is a bit of a tangent, though.)

lastly, the thing is that i will and i do take it personally if someone insinuates that a character--a gay character--that i, a lesbian, construed is a secret vessel for expressing heterosexual attraction. if someone calls louis a “self-insert”, that does reflect back on me. and to elaborate on that--i don’t particularly love to bring it up, but it's quite disheartening to pour personal PTSD experiences into a character and rly put effort into doing it right and justice and underline growth and healing, just to find out people disregard all that completely in favor of declaring that my self-projection lies in the attraction to a man--which is to say, the one thing i couldn’t possibly feel more estranged from. it's so incredibly tactless. i feel thoroughly whiny at this point but how is that not supposed to make me a little sad?

anyway. none of this is to say that you can’t dislike or critique collision. you can. sometimes ppl don’t like things. but i hope i’m clear about where i’m coming from with my discomfort now. people’s preferences and dislikes are indeed not mine to be hurt by, but these things are. this definitely got unnecessarily long and i probably look like i take myself unbearably seriously (i promise i don’t), so i’m sorry. but at least i've said everything now, and if i encounter this sort of rhetoric in the future, i have something to redirect people to. also anon, none of this is directly pointed at you, i know you mean well. take care <3

[satashiiwrites]

Writing Tag Game

Tagged by the lovely @radio-chatter and felt like this would be fun to play along with.

How many works do you have on AO3?

20. Which wow. I hadn’t realized I had that many out there. Then again my wip folders tend to breed so I don’t really keep track of what’s out there and what’s not. I write until things are done-ish and then throw them out into the world.

What’s your total AO3 word count?

878,763 words as of 8.25.2021

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

I usually never sort by kudos. However, I’m not really surprised by the results.

Family, Familia, ‘Ohana.  Which is a McDanno, Buddie, Navy Seal Buck crossover fic. From two very popular ships. So I am not one iota surprised that this has the most kudos of all my stuff since it’s a wip. 

It All Started Because of the Kiss Cam—again Buddie 911 fic. Popular ship. This is a pattern for sure because…. One shot Buddie…

Hydrotherapy for the Soul—again one-shot Buddie fic…followed by 

Sometimes All It Takes is a Kiss Cam… which is the Eddie version of events of the other kiss cam fic. Also Buddie. 911. I’m not sure what it takes to be popular in Buddie/911 but I’m sure that the reasons i’m writing in it isnt’ to be popular.

An Andromeda Tale. Finally my OTP long form MReyder fic. It actually makes me sad looking at the kudos scale here from 1-5.  This fic will always be my wip baby that someday i hope to finish (preferably before GRRM finally gets his stuff finished so I can say i did faster. yes I’m petty that way). 

Of note…. Weirdly in sixth place (and I’m surprised it didn’t beat out AAT) is my lone foray into TOG Joe/Nicky. So yeah. Three out of the six are wips. All the one shots are Buddie 911 stuff that happen to have shower or hot tub scenes. Maybe I just have a target audience with the Buddie stuff that I didn’t know I had? Idk. 

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Most of the time yes. I’ve gotten a few comments of late that basically are “update?” Or “update soon please” which I don’t really know how to reply to.  Either way my heart goes pitter-patter every time I see I have a comment. 

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Recurrence is going to have a real… angsty ending. If I ever get around to pushing it out the door as it’s been sitting half-written for most of a year.  The Scott and Reyes in that fic kinda get their relationship turned inside out and around again since it’s based on the premise “if you had to do it over again, would you?”.  It’s from Reyes POV and he’s so unbelievably sad and pining over Scott. But when he re-encounters Scott the whole question of is it real or not, is this his Scott starts messing with things.  Scott doesn’t know what to believe—he wants to believe that the Reyes in front of him is in love with him, that he’s real and that neither of them is in a computer simulation/hallucination. 

Yeah it’s… the ending is when they find out what is and isn’t real. Scott’s a lot braver than Reyes at that point. I think it’s a good ending and not unhappy but yeah.  Gotta finish that fic some day. 

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

I prefer happy-ish endings. I actually kinda love Hydrotherapy for the Soul’s ending. (And yes I think I like Evan Diaz better than any combo of their names—personal preference here and Eddie in this fic isn’t an angsty mess unlike FFO). 

Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the strangest one you’ve written?

*waves hand at Family, Familia, ‘Ohana* it’s a combo of two of my fandom loves. I may still eventually get around to a Mass Effect firefighter AU which may or may not have a lot to do with 911. Or maybe some soapy medical show. 

Or there’s my current wip that’s occupying too much of my run-plot sessions: the fic not called Bradley the Damned, a GK Bradnate, RayWalt that’s kinda inspired by Ramses the Damned or any other British mummy story (the mummy 1999 etc). 

I do love a good crossover where it makes sense.  I’m not one for just borrowing characters and sticking them all in the same house or anything…. Gotta have plotting reasons to do things. 

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yes. 

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes… the unrealistic kind?  Like most writers. Mostly it’s about the emotional involvement but I will occasionally write it just for smut’s sake—On the Edge of a Blade would be an example of this as I just wanted to write Scott discovering he had a shaving kink. 

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No?  But then again I don’t really go looking so there’s pretty good odds I wouldn’t know if I had.  I also am perfectly fine if something I write or say in discord/tumblr/AO3 inspires someone to write something that’s fine with me.  I assume no idea is wholly original. I think the only thing I would object to is if someone borrowed things word-for-word with minor differences. 

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Again, nope. I’d be open to the idea but nobody’s ever asked. 

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Also no.  But then again there’s been some discord/tumblr convos that have sparked ideas.  I owe some credit to @radio-chatter, @quietborderline and prolly @interstellar-chaos at this point since sometimes something they say sparks ideas. 

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

MReyder—Reyes Vidal/Scott Ryder is kinda my OTP of OTPs. I just think they’re fascinating together. I do know that my headcanons about Reyes (who gets a whole maybe 20 some minutes of screen time in MEA) are not universal.  I also have various different versions of him and Scott scattered in my fics. So yeah.  I love thinking about variations of them.  Also I have a very temperamental Reyes-muse who likes to wander into new ideas waaaaaay too much.

Other ships I love: Sterek. McDanno. Buddie. Bradnate. Ineffable husbands. Johnlock. Bagginshield. I do read others depending on mood but those are really the majority of my reading time if I’m reading fic nowadays. 

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I’d love to say I play on finishing all my wips… but some days AAT feels so massive of a project that I’ll never finish it despite having written the ending already.  So yeah. Good intentions but we’ll see if I accomplish this. 

I do also have a few snippet scenes written that I’ve just started calling fics-i’ll-never-finish/write.  I have debated putting them up on AO3 but I suspect that would just get a bunch of “please finish this” comments and some of them really are just fragments. 

What are your writing strengths?

Idk?  I would say complex plots and interweaving details. My brain just works this way—I like tucking in new little details. 

What are your writing weaknesses?

Inability to edit down. I’m beyond wordy mainly because I just refuse to conform to writing advice I see on the internet.  I just figure if it’s not people’s jam they don’t need to read it. 

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I’m guilty of this.  I know there’s been discussion of that’s not how people think in real life but I do think for a reader that it’s not exactly about authenticity here always. Sometimes it’s about making a point that I either feel is best expressed in another language—ie spanish or angaran—to emphasize something for a character. I usually think of it as an emotional thing. My friends who are bilingual do tend to slip into Spanish around their family and they will switch back and forth.  I know some people don’t do that and insist it’s not real but I do think that some people do.  

Also sometimes I like the texture of using that language is more expressive than the english counterpart—i will argue that Spanish and Arabic endearments sound beautiful to me compared to an english translation of them. I know mileage varies on this but it’s never meant to be weird or malicious. 

I also think Keema is that type of person who uses emotional, family manipulation on Reyes that way to get some positive influence on him. So she calls him the angaran equivalent of my son, dear heart, etc. 

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Back in the day?  Idk. Prolly Vision of Escaflowne or Gundam Wing. For this writing handle it’s been Mass Effect Andromeda. 

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Are we supposed to have favorites?  I mean… if you make me pick…AAT will always be my baby even if it’s unfinished. If you’re asking finished stuff I’m going to have to currently go with Seguir but it’s sequel/Reyes counterpart fic is maybe a third written and I kinda like it just as much. 

Really I just like everything I’ve written but sometimes I also tend to pick it apart. Which is why I usually just call it done and toss it up on AO3. 

tagging whoever wants to play along! @quietborderline @interstellar-chaos no pressure but I’m curious as to your responses!

[meibemeibelline]

highlights from that 32k word doc i wrote when i marathoned gazette’s songs (2002-2007)

PART 2 | PART 3

Some quick notes:

This is a combo of thoughts on music, lyrics and sometimes just funny things I found while I was hurriedly typing at 11pm listening to these songs. Not every song will be featured in these, sorry

At times I directly quote translations and when I do I’ll specify who I’m quoting, but just so you know first they are all either Defective Tragedy, Heresiarchy or Trauma Radio

Also, I’m planning on writing some longer essay-type things with these notes so there might be some things I skip over (such as a recurring theme in their songs) bc I want to use them elsewhere

CONTENT WARNING FOR LYRIC DISCUSSIONS: suicide (Ganges ni Akai Bara). i will bold the title so you can skip it if you want. it’s one paragraph long

HHHH this is already 2k words but anyway hope u enjoy my ramblings

 “I’d have to take a break from feminism to appreciate [Akai One Piece]”

“His delivery is still highly emotional and [Okuribi] overall is really emotional. Like the fact you can still hear and FEEL the sheer bittersweet feelings (mostly sadness) of someone you love passing away is like...really telling of 2002 gazette’s potential”

(Doro Darake no Seishun) “Bitch Aoi and Uruha are serving LOOKS like the red tartan blazer with the black shorts???? And Uruha with the red tank top and the pleather skirt with the garters THE OTHER GIRLS WISH THEY WERE HIM”

(Haru ni Chirikeri, Mi wa Kareru de Gozaimasu) “it’s about a flower that’s in love with a one-winged butterfly, and i imagine the point is that even though they sing songs for each other, they’re just so different that they don’t understand each other and they can’t be together. and they’re just...fated to end, and maybe try again next spring. and you can see that in human relationships too.”

“Akuyuukai i think is such a significant turning point musically like i just FELT a significant shift where they were really painting with their music and having it be more closely connected with the lyrics”

“[Linda Candydive Pinky Heaven] is a happy and fun song!! it’s doro darake no seishun’s cuter and cooler older sister. this also gave me a lot of serotonin and i’m glad this is a classic. it’s also this band’s first fan song (or closest to a fan song) and i think it’s quite meaningful because they were picking up as a band and were starting to really connect with people which is always so so great. and i think it’s cool that many songs before this were fun songs to jam out to but linda is specially DEDICATED to that. it’s so carefree and i think like...this is the exact thing many musicians love about performing and what fans love about concerts. it’s the escapism and just the SPACE to be yourself and have fun. it’s so freeing.”

(Black Spangle Gang) “I can’t believe GazettE were doing 2005 Miyavi before Miyavi did 2005 Miyavi”

(The Murder’s TV) “I think it’s cool how playful they make it sound -> like a creepy show that kids might see and the last chorus is pretty good. it’s a bop AND THE BASS AND GUITAR SOLOS SLAP. The lyrics are really interesting too and I LOVE the way Ruki embodies them with his voice”

“BITCHHH MAD MARBLE HELL VISION SLAPS. THIS IS WHAT I CALL NOISE MUSIC!!!!!!!”

“The composition on Kawareta Haru, Kawaneru Haru is actually SO good (and the costumes are fucking ICONIC). And Ruki is STILL getting better at singing. The chorus is melodic and the effects on the guitar just go so well like I think the others (probably since Akuyuukai actually) have been really getting to play with all sorts of effects on their instruments to make this new variety of sounds which is super rad. AOI SOLO SUPERIORITY BTW.”

“Indie gazette really love their key changes in the bittersweet songs in the last choruses.”

“Comparing the lyrics of [Sumire] to many of the last ‘goodbye’ songs, there’s a lot more imagery and scene-painting as opposed to like, just direct thoughts and feelings. And that’s really Ruki developing as a writer, I think, as his lyrics are becoming more subtle and open to different interpretations which is super cool! Like this is really him finding his voice and I know he’s going to be doing more of this over the years.”

“ANATA NO TAME NO KONO INOCHI SLAPS BUT THE LYRICS ARE FUCKED. LIKE, I KNEW THIS FROM THE BEGINNING BUT I REALLY WISH I WAS JARED, 19.”

“I LOVE MISEINEN SO FUCKING MUCHHHHH. I can only begin to imagine just HOW significant this song is for Ruki. This is him acknowledging his weaknesses and his flaws, looking around him and seeing the people he has, he writes about what he’s afraid of, he writes about how he’s going to change and move forward, what is MOST VALUABLE to him. This is A LOT. This is A LOT for anyone. It is a song about GROWTH – how he wants to grow yet is terrified of change, but even so is going to do it with the help of his support system. This is EVERYTHING. It’s raw and brave and so very beautiful. It has Wakaremichi and BEST FRIENDS energy. These three songs are best friends. And also like, for the last couple of releases Ruki’s been doing lots of wordplay and metaphors and using euphemisms, but this set of lyrics is just completely honest and STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART. Like, there ARE metaphors and symbols but he’s talking COMPLETELY about himself and his FEELINGS. I get emo whenever I listen to this song.”

(Carry?) “Apparently it’s about Frankenstein’s monster, so I guess this is another Concept Song. So this explains the flat vocals – the monster is undead but also…very sad and confused about what it is and its place in the world. ISN’T THAT ALL OF US ON SOME LEVEL…HAHA…”

“Zakurogata no Yuutsu is that 2010 fb meme where someone sees their partner right before going into a heart surgery only to wake up to find they’re gone and the doctor is like ‘omg who do you think gave you the heart😔’”

“WHAT THE FUCK WHY DID I SLEEP ON HANAKOTOBA. THIS IS AOI SONG SUPERIORITY. THE GUITAR SOLO IS ALSO GORGEOUS. Also love what he did with the melody getting higher in the end when the narrator questions the existence of the love they lost. AND THEY DIDN’T RESOLVE THE FUCKING CHORD PROGRESSION OHHH MY GODDDD BECAUSE “I’LL WITHER AWAY, NEVER KNOWING THE ANSWER” //THROWS. THESE GENIUSES. THIS IS THE BEST SONG ON THE ALBUM SO FAR AND THAT’S👏ON👏AOI👏SUPERIORITY👏Also I know that, literally, Hanakotoba is a flower on the side of the road but LISTEN. This is a soul that just wants love...This is the anthem for us lonely invisible bitches <3 This song has the MOST yearning. Thank u Aoi for my life. Like he is TRULY the composer with the most emotionality.”

(Tokyo Shinjuu) “I LOVEEEE THE BASS. This has a very old, classic Japanese style and it’s just…so good. You can really hear it in the melody. Also there’s just something SO feminine about it and I KNOW it’s that classic Japanese sound and like…god I love this gender bending with music. I adore the guitars too I think there’s such a good balance between them.”

(Shichigatsu no Youka) “I love how the lyrics are between sections too – the most emotional parts are in the big, emotional chorus, and the verses are more mellow when the narrator is sort of…more detached and Not Crying… The guitar melodies are really pretty and the solo is just GORGEOUS. It’s such a bittersweet song as well (god GazettE just do bittersweet EXTREMELY WELL) like bruh…already being sad over a breakup and OH DOUBLE WHAMMY THEY’VE MOVED ON like. Ruki sweetie I’m so sorry.”

[a rant about how I know Saraba is well-meaning and is about the peace and unity of a nation and is EXPLICITLY anti-war which I can definitely appreciate but my Chinese ass was just NOT having the whole painting the Japanese army as heroes deal]

(Reila) “Ruki’s vocals are SO GOOD here. ALSO YELLING AT THE BASS AND KICK DRUM BEFORE THE SECOND VERSE WITH THE PIANO. THE WAY THE KICK DRUM PANS THRU THE EARS. MOTHERFUCKER. AND THEN TO COME IN WITH THE GUITAR SOLO HOW DARE!!!!! YOU PLAY WITH MY EMOTIONS LIKE THIS!!!!!”

“COCKROACH SLAPS. Love that he reframes being compared to a cockroach as like, resilient (I’ll never break through -> I want to believe I’ll break through), and he’s embracing his crudeness and taking a huge dose of PHUCEMOL.” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Sugar Pain) “God Aoi’s intro though………..I HATE THE BREATHING SO MUCH. No I’m actually really angry right now why is it actually good. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE GOOD.” (I then had to stop after the first chorus for obvious reasons)

“Idk why the first thing I thought of when Bite to All started was ‘yeehaw’…[Also] I hate how I know exactly who is screaming at the end and when.”

“BTS 🤝 GazettE Gunshots in songs”

[My personal interpretation of Nausea & Shudder is not that it’s about the pressure of being true to oneself in the face of success, but rather that success itself is not what Ruki expected it to be and he’s figuring out how to navigate that and move forward. It is also just a really good set of lyrics.]

“There’s just a hopelessness that’s so profound in [Bath Room]. Like if depression was a song IT WOULD SOUND A LOT LIKE THIS… Up until this point this is the Darkest song AND WE’RE ONLY GONNA GET DARKER FROM HERE *sweats in DIM*”

“I love these unsaid words Ruki leaves in the booklets. Adds layers and messages for the listener (usually of hope)”

(Silly God Disco) “After reading the lyrics I love this song soo much more. Like it’s actually really nice to think about dancing and living life because you have rock music and it makes you happy. Also the FUNK. The flavour. Not only that, but the way Ruki SWEARS he will live happily, without fear, and always moving past pain and towards freedom and glory. And he INVITES the listener with him. This is just SO nice.”

“I think it’s interesting that like…for an album that is sort of Known to be depressing as hell, there are quite a lot of songs about resilience and just…living and moving forward. Depending on what the rest of the albums are about, NIL might actually be, weirdly, the one with the most hope in it.”

(Worthless War) ““Do you shoot first so you won’t get hurt? / Do you call that sort of thing ‘justice’” damn Worthless War spilled. This sounds like a whole lot of anxiety surrounding war, and a very strong criticism against the government for caring more about power than people. Even though violence is despair, he also says that this age of political tension and FEAR is also despair. And he is correct. Ruki: ALSO THE EARTH IS DYING???” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Rich Excrement) ““Lyric killer is erectile dysfunction” + “Biters should check it out too” -> you’re a limp dick who rips off other people’s work I AM SCREAMINGGGGGG.”” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Crucify Sorrow) “The main metaphor here is someone who is an insect with a broken shell – an empty person. With depression, probably…And I cannot help but think about Utsusemi, in which he uses this EXACT metaphor to describe himself and his own depression, his loneliness and his desire to disappear. Was this a coincidence??🤔”

(GANGES NI AKAI BARA) “I really like this song – music and lyrics both. Like even though it’s sad that the girl was in a lot of pain, kills herself and is condemned by her church, the narrator bringing her to Ganges and doing a sacred ritual for her so that she can find salvation is actually really really kind and meaningful??? Not only because it’s an act of kindness but also because the pain she was experiencing was emotional/mental (with the constant tsu-tsu-tsura-tsura-tsurai), salvation could relieve her soul from exactly that.” (Apparently Ruki said the narrator is Buddhist but in the context of the song Hindu makes more sense, so I’m just going with that)

(Calm Envy) ““If you could love even these words I’ve thrown your way / I could keep trusting only you as you stand in front of me / It hurts every time you bring up the past you’ve suddenly shown me / I want to love even that empty space where I don’t exist / I’ll wipe away my tears so you wouldn’t notice them / So don’t smile in front of me anymore than this” – SHUT UP THIS SHIT IS REALLY UNCONDITIONAL BUT THEY’RE TIRED OF BEING HURT. GOODBYE. GOODBYEEEEE.” (Cr: Heresiarchy)

(Circle of Swindler) “Ruki writing "how much do you buy us for? let's negotiate [the] value of pain" in circle of swindler to demand respect and acknowledgement of his worth from the higher ups of the music industry because it's the music born from his pain that's making their money is Quite sexy” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

“[Stacked Rubbish] is about the baggage we have, the baggage we give each other, the Errors we make precisely because we are People who have souls. I think the point (of this album being like an anthology) is that everyone could find something in this album that speaks to them.”

[suits-of-woe]

this is so typical of me but for the ask game, could you do edmund and/or the lear sisters?

YES I absolutely can, this is as much my brand as yours. Sorry for the delay in posting, I had a change of plans yesterday :)

EDMUND

Sexuality Headcanon: Only really attracted to women but if it was somehow useful to sleep with a man he probably would and probably wouldn’t mind it too much. Also, I HC him as relying way too much on sex to fulfill his need for affection. Also also, a sub, I will die on that hill. Gender Headcanon: Male in the canon but I have a huge soft spot for female!Edmund too so either works for me. Probably cis but I’ve seen some people post about trans Edmund so maybe? A ship I have with said character: Edmund/Goneril is my TRASH because it’s such a mess but it could be so good. Started off as kind of a joke/speculation for one particular fic and now I have a lot of feelings about it. A BROTP I have with said character: Edmund and Edgar!! Let! Them! Be Brothers! Especiallly pre-canon :((( Also not sure exactly what the Edmund and Cornwall dynamic is, possibly it falls under BROTP but it’s definitely interesting. A NOTP I have with said character: I’ve seen like one fic of Edgar/Edmund as a romantic pairing and. No. Just stop. A random headcanon: Has gorgeous handwriting. He’s obviously great at forgery, but I imagine his own writing is just lovely. As opposed to Edgar, who probably has a very messy scrawl. General Opinion over said character: Actual love of my life, more than is justified. He’s objectively terrible, but he’s also so sympathetic and so self-aware that it makes me love him even more. Imho, hottest character in the canon.

GONERIL

Sexuality Headcanon: I guess straight in canon? See I really like the idea of lesbian Goneril in the female!Edmund AU and I feel like...she probably has some sort of equivalent hangups around sex in the canon-verse too, but she clearly likes men so...not entirely sure? At the very least she’s definitely not at ALL attracted to Albany. Gender Headcanon: Definitely a cis woman, since that’s tied to a lot of her experiences and especially how Lear treats her. A ship I have with said character: As I said before, Edmund/Goneril is terrible but also great and has a special place in my heart. A BROTP I have with said character: Her and Regan before Shit Went Down. It was probably always a little rocky, but that scene where Regan takes her hand and they stand up against Lear together? Excellent. A NOTP I have with said character: She and Albany just have an objectively terrible relationship that makes both of them miserable. I don’t think that’s controversial, but yeah, definitely a bad ship. A random headcanon: Less of a headcanon and more a question but: where did she get that poison that she used on Regan? Unlike in a lot of plays, there’s no mention of that. I wonder if she had it for awhile, planning it for something, maybe Albany, maybe herself, maybe something entirely different. General Opinion over said character: She used to be my least favourite sister and boy was I wrong! I find her very weirdly sympathetic and I think she’s a deeply sad and desperate person with a uniquely tragic position in the fucked up world of that play, but also, a very cool evil lady.

REGAN

Sexuality Headcanon: I think of her as bi; don’t really have textual evidence for that but oh well. Definitely into some WEIRD SHIT as far as BDSM (emphasis on the S) taken wayyyyyyy too far. Gender Headcanon: Probably a cis woman, not really anything to suggest otherwise. A ship I have with said character: Regan/Cornwall is the power couple for the ages! So equal in their dynamics, so passionate, so fun and evil and tragic in a weird way at the end. A BROTP I have with said character: As I said, her and Goneril! Also her scene with Oswald is very...interesting idk, I haven’t thought about it much but I wonder if they ever had a weird sort of friendship. A NOTP I have with said character: Regan/Edmund isn’t a NOTP exactly because it’s definitely canon and definitely interesting but I think it’s just bad for both of them and not what they actually want. A random headcanon: Sometimes in production she’s dressed in every Dark Evil Villain Outfits, but I actually imagine her wearing very colourful, ostentatious clothing a lot of the time. Probably very quick to change out of her mourning clothes too... General Opinion over said character: The least sympathetic sister, but also by far the coolest. PEAK villain stanning material, and one of Shakespeare’s female villains who’s allowed to get most in-touch with her brutality in a super fascinating way.

CORDELIA

Sexuality Headcanon: Probably straight cause I’m not sure why she wouldn’t be I guess? Gender Headcanon: Probably a cis woman but in a staging where Cordelia is actually the fool I think it could be really interesting to consider as a pants role/exploration of her gender. Especially in terms of her only being able to get Lear to listen to her while she’s dressed as a boy. Maybe not an actual reflection of her identity, but still much to play with. A ship I have with said character: Ugh it really depends on the AU for her, @princess-of-france​ has such a great Edmund/Cordelia dynamic in her work, @harry-leroy​ opened my mind to Edgar/Cordelia too, but I have such a hard time choosing one just for the canon play. But Cordelia and France are adorable in every universe, so I’ll go with that! A BROTP I have with said character: Her and Edgar! I’m on the fence about them romantically but I love the idea of them being close before the play. I would have loved to see one last conversation between them at the end. A NOTP I have with said character: I don’t know that people SHIP this but the Lear/Cordelia as an incestuous relationship discourse is YIKES. A random headcanon: Way wittier than she tends to get credit for. She canonically had some connection with the fool, and I wonder if she had a similar relationship with Lear before everything, able to quietly question him in clever ways without him taking offense. She might not have realized that her defiance in front of everyone would be a step too far. General Opinion over said character: I’ve definitely moved past seeing her as the boring good angelic daughter, thank god. She’s a wonderful character! I talk about her less than the other two mostly because I don’t think I need to be in her defense squad as much, and I love villains, but she’s fantastic.

[benisasoftboi]

Gushing time.

Rune Factory 4 Special arrived a day early, so my entire day has been consumed in nostalgia. The original Rune Factory 4 was the first video game I ever bought on release day - I remember saving up all my money and making my mum drive me to like three different shops trying to find one that had it. I was already a fan of the franchise - before then, Rune Factory 3 had been my favourite video game, across the board. Aside from a playthrough of the first game last year, I haven’t played a Rune Factory game in a long time, certainly not RF4. But just starting up the game and hearing the music again, it was like it was suddenly seven years ago. Running around Selphia and seeing all the characters again - I love JRPGs, have played a lot of them, and I can think of very few that have characters that have stuck with me this long. And the aesthetics - the best thing about the Rune Factory franchise has always been the aesthetics, the music, the scenic and character design, just the general world. It’s a beautifully whimsical balance of urban and fantasy, and it’s the only JRPG world I think I’ve ever come across that I would genuinely want to live in. Rune Factory may no longer be my favourite game franchise - but I don’t think there has ever been another series that has felt so much like home to me.

Here’s a very long selection of personal highlights from the art book (by which I mean photos of the art followed by my rambling opinions):

Yeah, see, here’s the thing - Rune Factory 1 is not a good game. I could write an entire essay on why it’s bad (I actually started and got pretty damn far before realising no one’s interested in my two thousand word review of a game that came out over a decade ago - the short version is ‘Misty Bloom-fucking-Cave’. Anyone who’s played RF1 knows exactly what I mean). Don’t get me wrong, it has good qualities - excellent boss fights, for one, and also, as with the rest of the franchise, it is aesthetically wonderful. But ultimately, it feels less like playing a video game, and more like playing a proof of concept for a game. Which I guess it kind of was - and I can’t hate it because we wouldn’t have the rest of the series without it.

But it literally ends with a dragon spewing plant breath on a tank to make a turnip grow out of the gun. ‘Profound’, my arse. 

It’s Raguna! The “master sowrdsman!” (that is not a typo on my part that is a direct quote from the ending of Rune Factory 1 this game’s script had so many issues-). And Mist! My favourite of the ‘canon’ love interests!

Best girl! When I was a kid, my favourite love interest in RF1 was Rosetta. As an adult, it is Tabatha. I don’t know what it is about her that I find so likeable (she’s as lacking in personality as any other RF1 character), but... idk, I just like her a lot.

Camus’s big ambition is to leave town like even once. He will never achieve it

Fun fact about Melody is that she’s extremely depressed, a fact that comes up once in an optional side quest and is never addressed again. It’s incredibly dark for an RF game

Fun fact about Lukas is that he sucks (he’s one of those ‘obsessed with talking about how hot all the girls are’ characters, an archetype that thankfully doesn’t show up again in these games). But also, interestingly enough, thanks to one of RF1′s many, many script errors, if you marry Rosetta (the girl Lukas is the most obsessed with), he’s supposed to express disappointment that he lost her to Raguna - but instead, he implies that he’s disappointed to have lost Raguna to her. The translators typoed their way into giving him a sexuality change. Which is honestly kind of amazing.

LOOK AT THIS SLIME THIS IS SUCH A COOL SLIME LITERALLY EVERY OTHER JPRG SLIME GO HOME DRAGON QUEST GET FUCKED (jk I like Dragon Quest a lot and its slimes are cool too). Wish you could see in-game that this is what they’re meant to be like.

I just generally love the monster designs, they’re really charming

Rune Factory 2! The RF game with the most weirdly mundane protagonist name (Kyle. In the main four games of this franchise we’ve got Raguna, Micah, Lest, Frey... and Kyle). The two generations thing was actually very cool, but when they say ‘each chapter captures a different lifestyle’, what they really mean is ‘the first half is a weak Harvest Moon I’m sorry, STORY OF SEASONS game, and the second half is a pretty good Rune Factory game’  

lookit this little fuck

Yue Yue Yue! I love Yue so much, she’s great. She’s kind of like a much chiller version of Anna from Fire Emblem.

It’s really cool that we got to see grown up Cecilia (she was in RF1). I have this silly headcanon that if Kyle doesn’t marry Mana, Nicholas (her friend in 1) comes to visit Cecilia one day in the hazy-post game future, and meets Mana, and they get together. While Yue is my favourite, I do genuinely like Mana a lot, and I just want her to find love, I guess.  

Here’s original Barrett! There’s a reason he was popular enough to make a reappearance (well, aside from the whole grumpy pretty boy thing he’s got going on) - he was a great character in this game. His and Dorothy’s relationship is also definitely the most compelling of the rival romances. Bonus Max, who also has a little shout-out in RF4 (check the diary in what will become Dylas’s bedroom at the start of the game)

Ray is male, but apparently he was originally going to be a female character, as he has an unused portrait in a wedding dress. My friend and I agree that this makes him a Trans Icon

Monster designs remain excellent. Especially the goblins

Skipping over Frontier (and also Oceans later), as I never got to play it growing up due to not having a console, and still haven’t got around to it - might try this summer. Except I do need to point out that these guys should be memes. I don’t know in what way. But they should.  

Rune Factory 3! My first RF game. The transformation thing was very cool, even if it was basically useless outside the main story. My friend and I spent hours mucking about in the WiFi dungeon. I loved the desert settlement and all of the dungeon designs in general, and man, RF3 is just great. I hope it gets a remake one day.

Raven Raven Raven! I LOVE Raven (as do most). Her story with Micah is the first time I can remember getting genuinely invested in a video game romance. I’m so glad she cameos in RF4. I love her. She’s wonderful.

I have an odd fondness for Marian. When I was about twelve, I decided to do a playthrough where I deliberately romanced the least popular bachelorette. After poking around on forums, I determined that character to be Marian, and did a run with her. And... I actually came to really like her. I find her endearing. I get that people find her annoying and don’t like her... unethical medical practices, but doing that run has still made me a pretty protective of her. It’s been a long time since I played RF3, so maybe I’d change my mind if I replayed now, but currently, as far as I’m concerned,  Marian’s a good’un.

I think I also used to low key ship her with Collette lol 

Pia’s official art has always been super weird to me because it’s so not what her character is like in-game. She’s a ditzy airhead. This makes her look so serious

RAINBOW! Another character whose art makes them look way more serious than they actually are. Daria is great and would be a meme if this game was more popular. I think she’s also implied to be a relative of Margaret. 

I’ve always been super confused about what Kuruna’s skirt is meant to be. Is it fur? Is it part of her shirt? Is it even a skirt at all?

Check it out, it’s the guy everyone would ship Micah with if this game was more popular

I want Zaid to make a reappearance and interact with Doug. Pretty sure it’s canon that they’re from the same clan? Think it would be very interesting.

RF3 definitely had the coolest farm. Also, still love the desert settlement.

This is from Oceans, so I have no context, but it’s just so cool that I had to share

Rune Factory 4. Culmination of the series is right - when I was playing it for the first time, I remember being blown away by just how much it is a true love letter to the franchise. I have never come across another game series that so consistently grew and improved from entry to entry. RF4 was a perfect ending.

Not that I’m complaining about getting RF5. Quite the opposite.

But if it had been the end (as we all thought it was until about a year ago), well, like I say. Perfect. 

Well. Aside from soda can nipples. Can’t believe they didn’t fix those. Though in some ways, that would have made me sad too

Dolce has such a cool design, in both human and monster form. I’ve always kind of crack-shipped her with Margaret, for no real reason at all

Vishnal! I love Vishnal. Vishnal is pure as heck. Marrying him this time around.

Doug! My choice from last time around. Another character who looks more serious in his official art than he is in-game (well... most of the time)

And then there’s Dylas, who looks much happier here than he does most of the time. Kind of looks like he and Doug swapped bodies, actually. There’s a fanfic prompt for you.

Their ship name is Dyldo. I love them

Leon is nostalgic for me mostly because my friend and I used to get into a lot of arguments about whether or not he’s the hottest character in the game. She maintains that he is, because muscles. I maintain that muscles aren’t actually that attractive. It is a rift that divides us to this day

(He looks oddly... younger in this art though? Weird)

Sechs Empire is such an unfortunate name. Seriously. How rushed was RF1′s localisation team? All those script errors, and then this (the Sechs were the antagonists in the first game, and were only referenced in passing in the rest until RF4 - so it was a bit of a ‘sins of the father’ situation by then).

Seriously, try saying ‘Sechs Emperor’ out loud and tell me you can take this man seriously 

I??? Love??? Them???

I??? LOVE??? THEM???

Still confused as to why Kiel, Xiao Pai, Arthur and Margaret are on the cover now. Don’t get me wrong, I like them, but... Amber, Dylas, Dolce and Leon made way more sense? Even the Archival Cover makes more sense (Vishnal, Clorica, Forte), as those three are all kind of Lest/Frey’s servants (well, Forte for the whole town, but still). Of those first four, all but Arthur basically lift right out of the game with little-to-no impact on the story

NO HAT TABATHA NO HAT TABATHA

I’ve always really loved this Raven picture

And I am thankful for you <3

[despiteherself]

somewhat spoiler-y thoughts under the cut. don’t keep reading if you don’t want to see stuff about httyd3

okay. so overall i actually enjoyed httyd3 (surprising; i know). i do have lots and lots of complaints but the stuff i liked was exciting and interesting enough that i sort of just blacked out the bad stuff. and i’m going to love picking that stuff apart bc boy was there some cringy shit. especially if you don’t like hiccstrid, their scenes with actual relationship talk were awkward and wooden and god. the ending was SO :/ 

actual spoilers from here on out. you’ve been warned. 

grimmel was a lot more compelling as a villain. they sort of gave him a backstory thing and it kind of ruined it a bit for me bc it was basically “i killed a night fury as a boy and my village loved me for it so i killed all of them” but idk something about it was lacking and i was like. oh. did you guys not care enough to flesh this one out. actually, writing it down it sounds way better motivation than when he actually said it even tho it’s basically the same thing.

the deathgrippers were being controlled! grimmel was using their venom to mind control them, so any “alpha talk” didn’t get through to them and they did exactly what grimmel wanted. 

and hiccup didn’t give a shit lol. these dragons were constantly being drugged via needles in their head/neck and being forced to hunt and attack and carry grimmel around and hiccup didn’t even feel a little bit sorry for them or express any pain. the whole movie was kinda “wow ppl don’t deserve dragons we need to save them” but he didn’t express any empathy for dragons being used? not many were shown in this movie to be used, and even less that hiccup saw, but idk the whole “let the things you love go!” didn’t congeal well. 

further more, he made several terrible decisions for the entirety of berk, including running away to find the hidden world, which they had no proof even existed and absolutely kept walking exactly into everything grimmel wanted, but when ruff did it (after she was “captured” and let go she flies straight back the place they’ve settled leading grimmel back to new berk) it felt like it was being played as a WAY worse thing. like she was an idiot for doing it, and it was just! hiccup. every decision you’ve made has been panicked and blind and made your position worse and worse. 

gobber, valka and eret all get a little screen time, and they all play the naysayer stoick part? like “hiccup this is dangerous” and hiccup completely ignores them. them: hiccup we have advice hiccup: ok cool im not listening and i don’t want to hear it. they don’t even get to really explain their points of view ??????? 

valka’s other stuff is “oh we might have been followed leaving berk” and then her being all “astrid do u still love and believe in my son?????” what “he’ll listen to u” uhm ??? and no one else i get? ?/ they literally do not talk except about hiccup

gobber’s scene where he tells hiccup to marry astrid is so weird and awkward and only tuffnut yelling “oh no not the m word!” had anything that made it better. noah fence but astrid was all “that’s weird and awkward of you” and tells hiccup she thinks they’re “not ready for marriage” and the idea is silly and it 100% sounds like she’s not interested in him at all. and he’s obviously super invested and he’s all “haha maybe you can have snotlout” she makes “jokes” about snotlout being into valka. it was.... 

also. he ONLY mentioned snotlout when saying there’s other guys and idk. it ..... idk now i think about it it maybe feels the “joke” is kinda who would want snotlout which :/ but i guess means tuff and fishlegs are valid suitors? i don’t know 

hiccup in the whole was pretty weak tbh. like he didn’t stand out for me and most of his plot felt like it had a bunch of good ideas but they struggled putting it together. it’s like when u see a fic and u love the general idea but the execution is not how u would, and they go on and it’s like. i really really wouldn’t have 

they weirdly anthropomorphise toothless and then also. have him act like a dog and i found it disconcerting 

the light fury is genuinely super blobby and ugly and i cna’t believe they made me watch SO much of “uwuw sexy seductress” content and toothless being a complete airhead who licks a rock to “practice” for it. was weird and i was uncomfortable. 

also astrid is all “wow toothless has a girlfriend its so cute !!!!!!!” and they watch him watch other dragons doing mating dances and hiccup is like ‘i never pegged you for a romantic, like never” like get a fuckign hint !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she never kisses you on the cheek. astrid expressing sentiment cause she thinks something is romantic but never for your relationship is telling you A LOT about it 

honestly. they don’t do anything to make me convinced in ANY WAY that astrid is actually into him and wants to marry him for real. at their wedding she is SO wooden and when they kiss hiccup brings his hand up but astrid is just STANDING there,,, and they look so blank. it’s so. 

also. i was right astrid was mostly just a prop for hiccup’s story and she barely interacts with anyone that isn’t hiccup or valka, and when it’s valka it’s about hiccup. 

aside from toothless, and a little bit of stormfly, the gang’s dragons are mostly just. in the background and don’t really have anything to do with anything

behind everything there were this warlords, i didn’t pick up names and apparently they were the ones who were funding drago or whatever? and they call grimmel in bc he cares about killing night furies and are hoping that it’ll mean they get all the dragons. it was kinda. i sort of liked the idea but i felt it was shoved in, and they just mentioned drago to make it seem like it was planned when they came out of nowhere. and idk not planned at all. like an idea that was good but they didn’t edit everything to make sure it fit. a lot of stuff felt kind retcon-y like apparently stoick was “obsessed with finding the hidden world” and he even mentions in a flash back that it’s not the nest they’re looking for in httyd1 so it’s so weird like. and there was this ~journals~ stoick had about it and it’s just! they never ever mentioned this before gfhsdfjhdfgjdfgfdg guys. that’s so fucking messy and kinda annoying. in the grand scheme this retconning isn’t too much, but it’s enough that it’s like. none of this was planned and i can tell and instead of making it match up you just bluster through like “actually this always happened” as if u think i’m a dumbass who will just blindly believe whatever you tell me instead of a long time fan with a personal involvement.i know some of u read my blog,,, come on   

i didn’t cry at all like lol. i had fun but i wasn’t emotional. 

no characters die don’t worry

ruff was PERFECT and everything she did was wnoderful and i LOVE her so much! she got to speak A LOT and she’s all “it’s so tough being this hot” i love you girl, and she’s over eret and is like “wow he missed out” and talks about snotlout and fishlegs which was :///// but the guys don’t do the whole fighting over her thing so that’s! and she’s like “i guess fishlegs but he’s a nerd” and at the end he cries at the wedding and she’s like “wow i guess the sensitive guy wins” so a lot of her stuff was kinda about men ://// but herself was PERFECT and she boops grimmel’s face with the bobble ends of her hair pretending they’re a zippleback. she makes jokes about why is grimmel’s face so long, and her’s is long but WOW does that take the cake. and she says “astrid round face” it was so !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s so good i love her 

rupple does a good job with tuff. the voice difference was noticeable and i kept thinking about it but i think he did well. tuff gets a bunch of speaking parts and he’s super involved with the whole wedding concept and he’s like “haha wow hiccy, a DOES NOT WANT to get married 2 u LOL. which is #tru cause like. she’s a viking warrior queen and you’re well you. you need to shape up. also. be more like me” which i will TAKE i cannot believe tuffstrid is REAL. also now im about 80% convinced hiccup and astrid took a break to see other ppl and tuffstrid fucked. tuff and astrid don’t really interact except for when they leave ruff behind but they KEEP on doing this whole, vibe thing that makes them seem like they’re good friends. like. tuff thinking he knows what astrids want or admires and he actually goes and all his advice/pep talk is like half leg jokes but it’s all good????? tuff has ear piercings, they’re SO on point they look so good, and he’s got rings all over his fingers i love this kid so much he’s so great. he calls his braid his beard and whenever anyone looks a little sad he like, shoves their face into his braid to comfort them.

also tuff says there’s no edge of the world cause actually it’s round like the sun and the moon and stars, even tho stars are dumb. 

i was right fishlegs’ first sentence is basically them all going “wow a nerd” akdshgfkdjghfg. he doesn’t get as much screen time as the others, and most of it is focused on fishmeat, who is ADORABLE and PERFECT. that big moose dragon meets fishmeat at the start and they become bffs and he defends his lil buddy

snotlout’s also not as much screen time, and most of it is him following valka around and being impressed with her and wanting her to say nice things about him. the rest is him getting caught on his cape. valka says nice stuff about eret cause he’s actually good at this planning stuff (except one bit thats played for jokes where snotlout is like “we should spilt up cause *good reasons*” and then eret is like “we should spilt up cause i feel like it” and valka’s all “i trust your instincts!!!!”. it was weird bc it was the only really good tactical decision snotlout made and it gets ignored) and he keeps getting his ego pumped up when he takes what valka says wrong - like she’s being polite, or there’s double meanings and he takes it like he’s good but all he did was get caught on a cage and hung there until hookfang picked him up - and at the end she says “eret maybe brawn, but you’re the brains” and snotlout feels validated again but he doesn’t really deserve it? like idk i wish she said something meaningful. it’s not kind to make someone feel like they’re good at something they’re not. you should encourage him when he’s doing well. 

eret is just kinda. around. doing things. and being like, snotlout’s “rival” for valka’s attention and eret is like. what are you on about lmao

also. i’ve seen some out of context spoilers and they mentioned something being gay but i don’t know where that’s from? snotlout kinda says some great things about eret but it’s a real squint and gobber says eret has the body of a norse god but then he says he does as well and then puts a crick in back when he’s stretching so it’s very clearly a joke and it’s definitely like ‘he’s fat and old and dirty its funny cause he thinks he’s attractive” rather than anything else

hmmMMmmMMMMM god ive forgotten what i’ve talked about and what i haven’t im sure i have more to say but this is already super long os. you can ask me questions if u like. send me an im or something 

[quantumfizz]

My Thoughts on ASOUE Season 2

If you don’t want spoilers for the show and the books, LOOK AWAY!

-I understand why a lot of people disliked the romance with Jacques and Olivia, but I thought it was fine. Not extremely necessary, but it was sweet.

-Larry Your-Waiter is amazing in every scene he is in, how can one man be so perfect. Also I loved the line about his moms, and the fact that he grew up in the Village of Fowl Devotees.

-Lucy Punch is perfectly cast. I never had an idea for who I personally wantedd to play her, but she absolutely nails it. Esme is a vain character that at times is comedic and hard to take seriously with her obsession with what is in, her ridiculous outfits, etc. BUT there are plenty of scenes where she needs to be intimidating. That chase in the Library of Records was AMAZING.

-On a similar note, NPH continues to perfectly portray Olaf. I like Jim Carrey’s performance, but the film adaptation didn’t show how threatening Olaf can be and he’s more comedic than intimidating. NPH is incredibly entertaining, and has some of the funniest lines in the show, but he really brings out the serious/threatening side of Olaf. His speech to Violet about how an animal acts when cornered was so disturbing, and I loved it.

-And the cameo with his husband and kids was so cute!

-Olivia Caliban’s change from a neutral agent in VFD to someone completely devoted to the “noble” side and the Baudelaires was a bit disappointing. Her character in the novels was not on either side of the schism, and it was an important part of her identity.

-The flashback to the masquerade ball. Oh my God. Seeing Monty and Josephine and everyone else was so cool! The novels only focused on events related to the Baudelaires, and characters like Gustav and Ike were only mentioned. Seeing them was so strange, but I loved it. And Patrick Warburton’s performance in that scene broke my heart; a lot of his scenes are lengthy monologues where he can’t emote to a large degree (and when he does it is very subtle, like the scenes with him and Jacques--which were also heartbreaking). But him dropping his drink in shock, tearing out to the balcony, and desperately screaming to Beatrice really hurt.

-There’s a bit more expansion on Olaf and Beatrice’s relationship (in the platonic sense) from before the events of book 1. Beatrice continued to see the good in Olaf, despite everything that happened.

-”You never approve of my love life” Handler I love you but please, I can only take so much foreshadowed sadness in one sitting, you’re killing me

-Sunny’s CGI looks a lot better. Maybe they’ve had more experience with the editing in those scenes, and Presley Smith is able to walk so it looked better as a result?

-Presley Smith is one of the best child actors I’ve scene in a long time. Her facial expressions were some of my favorite parts of every episode.

-This show/book series is still a shining example of how to write a boring character that is still interesting. Poe is literally the most boring man on earth, but his boring nature is weirdly interesting and engaging: he loves hospitals, paperwork, procedure, and bureaucracy. It’s just nice to have a boring character who is actually still a character. Also “fire of my loins”. WEW MAN

-Carmelita is a horrid delight. Another case of perfect casting.

-FIONA AND WIDDERSHINS ARE MENTIONED, HOLY SHIT. I knew they probably would be, but it’s still a shock to hear them mentioned.

-I’m glad the Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender survived in this version, I’m so attached to the Netflix troupe of Olaf’s actors and I was afraid they wouldn’t make it

-”Why did I have to steal that sugar bowl from Esme Squalor?” and “I want to steal from you the way Beatrice stole from ME!” both had me SCREAMING.

-I’m still a bit muddled over the timeline in the Netflix version. Beatrice survived the Duchess of Winnipeg’s ball by flying away in her costume, but iirc she died in the burning of the castle that same night in the books. And in the books the masquerade took place AFTER the Baudelaire fire, according to the Unauthorized Autobiography. So is this true in the Netflix version too?

-I liked the musical numbers. I’ve seen a few complaints that there were too many and they went on for a while, but this is from the same dude who filled two pages with the word ‘very’. If a musical number could be put into a novel, there would be one in the novels.

-Sidenote: I watched this season/the entire show with my mom,who a) has never read the books and b) is a librarian. She thinks it’s cool how the series praises the work of librarians and hails them as heroic and noble keepers of knowledge. I just wanted to share some of her thoughts. She also loves Sunny, and could not get enough of her scenes, especially with Fernald.

-She also enjoyed the Austere Academy episodes, since she worked in public education for twenty years and knew exactly what Snicket was making fun of when it came to standardized testing. And her favorite disguise this season was Coach Ghengis (we’re Southern and that accent was too much).

-Does that heart carving mean that Olaf dated Georgina first, then...Josephine??? (when tf did THAT happen), then Kit? Was it him documenting crushes and not actual relationships? idk

-Jacques was such a cool, hip-happening smooth talker! Like that is NOT what I imagined him to be in the books but I like this interpretation.

-Ten years later and I still don’t know why Poe a) has that cough b) if it came from smoke inhalation, and c) why he doesn’t notice it. The show has not helped me, and has only reinforced this confusion (”You should get that cough checked out.” “What cough?”)

-Handler added more references to Judaism than what was in the books, which I think is cool. (Hector’s mom being fined for wearing white after Yom Kippur, Poe being singled out in school for not having a bar mitzvah, etc.)

-THAT (LITERAL) CLIFFHANGER THO

-I knew it was coming but it still got me. Can’t wait for Sunny to show off her cooking skills and hang out with Fernald. Also I can’t wait for the WMHBNB and the MWBBNH, and their scariness. Anyone who disturbs Olaf and Esme are not to be trifled with.

[lightsandlostbells]

Skam Austin episode 1 reaction

I wasn’t planning on writing long-winded reactions to Skam Austin, I thought I might just have fun with the clips as they happened. Because there’s such a different context with this remake as opposed to the French/German/Italian ones, that it’s hard to take in! Julie Andem’s direct involvement, the Facebook factor, that it’s American rather than European. I’m processing this one very differently. I’m not even sure how to gather all my thoughts about it.

But then a few things got my attention so here’s episode 1 a week late. I don’t think I say anything that hasn’t already been said, lmao, unless you want to hear about my high school English unit on The Scarlet Letter.

Clip 1 - Frozen is #relatable

Let’s point out all the signs we see during Poonam’s opening monologue:

“Be a winner, be you”

“Work hard, finish strong”

“Always victorious”

“Shoot for the moon”

a board full of college acceptances

IDK guys, I think there might be a theme about the pressure to succeed here.

Poonam’s monologue and the overall themes about pressure and success may seem generic or #relatable depending on your POV. For me, I found it worked, mostly because it’s funny in how mundane and teenage-y it is and the bit about Elsa from Frozen is so weirdly specific, and I knew a million kids like Poonam in high school. But I do get how Julie could have done something more topical considering the world of shit that is going on in the US politically and culturally, including in our schools. (I don’t know exactly how much of the show was filmed before or after the Parkland shooting and I don’t know if/when/how it will be mentioned, but I certainly hope they address it. That’s the kind of issue that Skam is made to cover: things that are directly relevant to the youth of the culture.)

Poonam is talking super loud and were she not serving up our thesis statement, the teacher would tell her to shut up.

I tried to listen to what more of what the teacher actually says, and it’s hard to make out, but of course she concludes with “draw a connection to something happening in present day” … hmmmm….

I was really confused because the test Megan looks at in class appears to be a state-mandated standardized test, not a regular exam you’d take in class. You can clearly see on her paper that it says 68th percentile, which means she scored as well as or better than 68% of students tested. But Marlon seems to be grabbing a similar-looking paper and he says he got a 99, like … is he in the 99th percentile? And Shay’s in the 100th percentile somehow (which cannot be a thing because you can’t go higher than the 99th, lol)? Is there an actual score out of 100 on these tests? Are they talking about a different test?

I’m not from Texas so I don’t know the format of this specific test, but I took a similar standardized test for my state and this is not how I remember it. Also we didn’t go around sharing our scores on those tests the way we would a regular math test or even the SATs or something. And no one studied for those things. 

Meg swaps the numbers around (68 to 86) and he says, “That’s not bad” in a somewhat patronizing way so you know she feels great about it.

The music for the Kittens’ slow-motion walk is very apropos lyrically.

I like Shay, she’s charming. There’s a lot of American “bro” talk and shit like that in the dialogue and it gets cringeworthy, but I think she and Tyler seem pretty natural and I buy them as friends.

Clip 2 - Survival kit

As people have pointed out, The Scarlet Letter is incredibly thematically relevant to Meg’s past. In fact it’s so on the nose that I’d almost say it’s overkill, however that book is so widely taught in American classrooms that yeah, I buy it, it works for me. At least they’re keeping it fairly subtle so far - we notice it because we know the S1 story, a new viewer wouldn’t necessarily realize the connection. And I have seen so many versions of the classroom scene where the inspirational teacher openly talks about the themes of the novel/impact of the historical event/educational topic that just so happens to coincide with whatever’s going on in the protagonist’s life, that yes, this is actually relatively subtle.

Pointless personal anecdote #1: In high school I had one of those stereotypically artsy English teachers and every year she had her students do a mock trial based on The Scarlet Letter, where the goal was to determine which of the main characters was the least guilty. It was a huuuuge project and worth a ton of our grade, and the year we did it, there was tons of drama and crying and name-calling outside of the classroom due to everyone taking this trial 200% too seriously. I drew the team representing Dimmesdale (the minister who fathers a child with Hester Prynne) and miraculously everyone else on the team was smart but chill; we were the only team that didn’t blow up into drama, and we won the trial. I had a great time doing the project, but as time went by I started to think about the point of the trial and whether it was a good assignment, and how our biases crept into the result. Because I remember when kids drew the Hester team, they groaned, because they knew they wouldn’t win. One of the male characters was going to win. Chillingworth might win even though he’s an evil piece of shit and some readers think he straight-up poisoned a dude, but he wasn’t Hester. Hester was definitely guilty because she had sex outside of marriage and had a baby. And if we want to tie this back to Skam, it gets me thinking about how Eva/Meg is the one who loses everything and Jonas/Marlon’s life seems to be more or less intact. The girls lose their friends and in Meg’s case, her hobby/passion, while the boys are OK. Then the same thing happens later with Eva where P-Chris is just a fuckboy but Eva is a slut. Because the girls are the guilty ones. 

Megan’s homework mentions the “life-changing event happens to Hester when she is in the forest away from her community. What do you think this says about the role of community in the outcome of her life?” hMMMMMM. The next question is also about the story centering around a “strong female character.”

Shay talking to Meg while stretched out on her back sure is quite flirty.

Meg’s parents are arguing and contributing to making her feel like a loser, building up some of that pressure (theeeeeme). She has a survival kit which implies that this is a regular thing and she feels the need to escape a lot. 

I do think Julie is getting in some nice shots of the city and making these teens look all picturesque.

Clip 3 - Sad sad eating alone time

I wish Poonam had a Frozen lunchbox.

I'm wondering what Meg’s and Poonam’s relationship is supposed to be. Are they old friends? Are their parents friends? Are they acquaintances who share a class? Does Poonam just want a sounding board to vent about her busy life? I knew people like that in high school. 

Poonam is self-centered in a rather teenage way, not just in talking about herself and being insensitive, talking about how quitting extra-curriculars makes you a loser, assuming Megan doesn’t care, etc. but also how she ditches Megan to go sit with her choir friends instead of like … inviting Meg to sit with her and the choir kids.

There's the THEME!!! of community again as Poonam encourages Meg to be more social, because people who engage in community have happier, healthier, more successful lives. The clip starts with both Meg and Abby alone, but ends with Meg alone and Abby not, because Abby is part of a community and Meg is not.

Also Meg has to be super checked out not to notice the giant Talent Night posters everywhere, including right next to her. It’s too bad they probably won’t go into this but I feel like she’s depressed on a level that Eva wasn’t, which is likely due to losing not just her friends but also purpose of being on the dance team.

“Talent night is the one night of the year where the entire school comes together to celebrate the foundation of our social hierarchy - sports.” Lol, no it’s not. I guarantee you it’s not, no matter what your school is, but especially not this school where sports appear to be a big deal. Try Homecoming.

Marlon is the worst. The woooorst. It really feels as if he, Shay, and Tyler are a group that Meg is just not in, in a way that I didn’t feel with Eva. Because while Eva was often excluded and was the third wheel to Jonas and Isak, Isak was also in some situations the third wheel to her and Jonas. Megan feels like she’s completely on the outskirts of this group. She’s friendly with Shay but I wouldn’t say that they’re friends, while Eva and Isak had some history and were decently close on their own. Some of the other remakes emphasize this too - in particular Italian Eva and Isak (Martino) feel like great friends in their own right. Plus if Marlon does opt to hang with Megan over his friends, Shay and Tyler still have each other.

But for fuck’s sake, Marlon, why didn’t you ask your girlfriend to get some damn food with you? Unless you didn’t really go for food...

Clip 4 - Conservative

How many times has Meg had to listen to Marlon’s music? Yet when she asks him to go do something with her, he doesn’t want to do it. Dump him.

In terms of Marlon’s comments about sports culture … OK, on the one hand I would say there are bigger issues in sports culture, particularly in high school - for example, how sports gets more funding than any other high school program, just to name one issue. His thing about sports culture being about winners working hard, losers are lazy, is maybe not the most relevant, it’s kind of trite. However, I can see a so-called “woke” teen saying something like that, much like I can see a teenager rhapsodizing about Elsa from Frozen. And I get it, it fits in thematically.

Megan used to be on a sports team (and dance teams often do all kinds of competitions so I’d consider it a sport) and clearly misses it so maybe he should chill. And don’t ask your girlfriend to go with someone else when you know she doesn’t have any friends.

Dump him.

Clip 5 - Talent Night

Besides the dance memorabilia, in her room Meg has a poster for a costume party around Halloween, which is possibly when she hooked up with Jo.

Marlon is the worst!!! Worse than other Jonases!!! At least they canceled ahead of time, Marlon just bails last second to go do something fun he likes. Rude and inconsiderate! He doesn’t even invite her along to the concert (and gives an excuse in the next episode, but dude, if you’re going to CANCEL YOUR ESTABLISHED PLANS AT THE LAST SECOND you should at least ASK).

Plus she really needs an escape from her house at that moment due to her parents’ fighting. Great job, dude. 

The B-roll is nice. Again, good shots of the city.

Discussion was happening on @softnorwegians’ Tumblr about the plausibility of Talent Night in terms of location, setup, importance, etc. and I agree with a lot of the criticisms. I absolutely do not buy an official school-sponsored event taking place at what looks like a bar with no chaperones or adults around. Talent Night would probably be held at the school, in the auditorium or gymnasium. Maybe a community center. Maaaybe at a local coffee shop or restaurant, something like that, but that’s pushing it IMO - there would be so many people there that you need a large venue. This doesn’t seem like a small school. My high school did talent shows and there were always tons of adults present, teachers, parents filming their kids.

Also, Talent Night is typically not to fund sports teams! Talent Night is something put on by student government maybe, or if any school group is going to fundraise from it, it would definitely be the arts programs. Or it would be to raise money for charity. Sports teams already have a bunch of fundraisers, also a lot of them are for the individual teams, like swim team will have one, football will have one, etc. I guess it’s not impossible, but it feels a bit contrived. But there are probably some schools that do Talent Night for the sports teams, IDK. (Also, if it’s for the sports teams ... it seems weird to me that the athletes like Jordan don’t seem involved, either on stage or working at the venue? All fundraising I did for the school clubs/activities I was in, I had to do some actual work for the event - sell tickets, serve food, clean up, etc. Lol, here it seems like the sports teams are just hanging out and reaping the profits while random kids earn some money for them.)

Some of the graffiti in the bathroom: 

Sk8ers gonna Sk8 (I’m blanking on where this came from originally, I think it was on an IG post or text?)

Alt er love

Daniel + Grace

That last one, believe it or not, is what made me interested in reacting to this show. Because Grace is our Noora, there are hints of our William being called Daniel … and yet, what’s the context of that graffiti? It makes no sense when you think about it. New girl Grace surely doesn’t know Daniel. Is that supposed to be a hint to future Noorhelm, or is it a shoutout to something that won’t happen - like is Julie teasing us?

I mean, Grace and Daniel are very very common names, but the choice of graffiti was deliberate as we can tell from the other Skam references.

Lol @ me thinking Julie won’t do Noorhelm again but let me have this for now.

The Facebook/fandom reaction to Grace is an example of one of the worst parts of doing a close remake. If this were a completely new show and no one knew the plot, the reaction would have been, “Oh yay, Megan met someone nice :) Maybe they can be friends :) ”

But because she is supposed to be The Noora, a bunch of people had expectations for how she was supposed to act and (especially) look, and when she didn’t fit their expectations, complained. First of all, Grace was quite pretty to me so I didn’t even understand the backlash on a superficial level. Second, get the actual fuck out if you think any of these girls aren’t attractive enough to be a part of the squad. This show has never been about depicting the hottest, most physically perfect people. In fact that’s a reason people like Skam, that there are a variety of body types, their teeth, skin, and hair aren’t perfect. 

Pointless personal anecdote #2: “Let’s give it up for Natalie on nunchucks” is how I want everyone to greet me when I walk into a room, I’m going to have to start practicing.

Jo is great! So good. “I want to see your dumbass routine.” “Ballet shit?!” That whole bit was awesome. What a true friend.

This was so awkward. Painfully awkward.

General Comments:

The IGs are nice work, I’m sure FB pulled some strings to get the pictures backdated. There are some good clues in them - Meg appearing in the old Kittens pics and the Mannequin challenge, Abby has pictures set in Megan’s bedroom where she has clearly cropped out Megan. Abby and Marlon have pictures of a beach from the same day.

Poonam’s super paranoid text about posting things on IG made me laugh a lot. 

I didn’t talk about the acting. It’s ... not great in a lot of places, and sometimes it takes me out of the scene (especially in the Talent Night clip) but it’s not something I want to focus on a whole lot. The cast appears to be teenagers, many of whom have no acting experience, and I’m not totally comfortable being negative about them (NOT saying that no one can criticize their acting, just that for me personally I feel bad doing it). Besides, the fact of it being a direct remake is the more pressing problem for me. As for positives about the acting, I think Shay and Jo are great and have some natural comedic timing.

I am not rooting for Meg/Marlon at all. At all. No version of Eva/Jonas has induced this much annoyance in me. There’s a lack of chemistry, Marlon is more inconsiderate than the other Jonases, and they don’t seem to have much in common.

Unpopular (?) opinion but I have no problem with naming the Jonas character Marlon, or calling him marlonf9000 on IG. It’s an affectionate homage, sure. I guess my only problem with it is that Marlon the character sucks so far and Marlon the actor deserves better.

Man, I don’t even know what to feel about this show at this point. It feels so surreal. I don’t hate it? I’m not angry at it? I’m disappointed that we have to get yet another S1 more than anything. I actually want this show to succeed, believe it or not - even if I don’t care for it personally, I would rather have a lot of other people love it than not. 

I also feel stupid for making any type of speculation on what could happen! Because we’re going to come up with these elaborate theories about how Julie could adapt the story and take it in a different direction, and it’s likely to be all for nothing and we’ll just watch an awkward redo of a scene we’ve already seen.

I do want to say good job for increasing the cast diversity. That was a main fear, that Skam Austin would be lily-white, and we’ve already got 5 prominent WOC in the cast (including Zoya) which is terrific. 

I don’t take the millions of views on the first clip/first episode super seriously since FB was promoting it pretty hard and I heard something about a three-second rule? I’m more interested in seeing how the viewership on the episodes/clips manifests week by week.

It’s also clear that a lot of viewers were confused by the format and don’t get the concept of real-time clips vs. the compiled weekly episodes, which I can hardly blame them for since it’s not typical. 

[tylerwritez]

Saturday, June 19 2021

I dont know how I feel about the day yet cos right now its only 10:13. I dont post these exactly on the days I write them, but I write them on these exact days nonetheless.

My throat still hurts, my ass hurts, oUch,.... I'm sure you know why. Like, when you suck dick, it takes throat strength to make sure you don't fucking vomit everywhere and like. I OBVIOUSLY dont have that strength since I had to wash vomit outta my hair this morning

Hes so hot tho oh. My god.

Whatever. New day. So we talk about new things.

Star seems kinda sad but I dont really know why? She said on her story that people dont really go outta their way to talk to her... idk. I shot a good morning dm and now I'm here. I made my bed. Packed up my shit. Every time we pack things up my parents rage cos they always find shit they dont want to see: monster cans, evidence of my self harm, etc.

We have 1 more week then school is OVER and I move outta this house cos of the divorce. Jay will be gone too... I still have his insta, but I might ask for his number... just in case. I always get weirdly attached to people I fuck even if there was never any romantic part of the relationship. We are just friends.

Apparently we are going to the pick n pack today with my friend let's call her Zara. It's notfar off from her real name but whatever. Basically pick n pack is where you go to a vegetable garden and pick vegetables

I have a test soon but idk if I'll study for it. I NEVER really put work into studying or pay attention in class and I'm holding an 82 average. I got a 39 once, so once I retake that quiz I might be in the 90s. Sorry Mr. Renal, I simply can't bring myself to care about your class 😢

I LOVE my art class tho. It's just doing ART!!!! ART TIME!!!! Art is the best and I would post some of mine but my irls would proabably find me then. Like my name isnt ACTUALLY Jude Shepard. I'm just using it as a penname and also cos that's what they called me in my dream. But other than that everything I tell y'all is real. I'm making buttered toast rn.

3:38 p.m.  sat june 19th

I've decided to include a song recommendation with every entry. Today's recommendation: A Match Into Water by Pierce The Veil

Okay so it turns out we didnt go to pick n pack with Zara. Instead we went to downtown... White Ave. It was sunny n we walked a bit, got lemonades and a bit of candy, went into stores, idk. BUT. The notable part of this is that next to the farmers market there were all the usual activist groups: falun gong, vegan, whatever... but one of them looked like it was a LEFTIST GROUP, possible marxist.

I wanted to talk to them so badly and wanted to see how I could help the cause. See, I'm a communist. AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE THAT. I'm here to talk about my days. Anwyays I wanted to talk to them sO BADLY. but my parents wouldn't leave me alone. And like. I hate political discussion with them. They just upset me and they get mad and I CANT AFFORD TO MAKE THEM MAD. I play everything that goes on with me on the Down Low, I dont talk about anything about myself because if I do, I get less freedom in my life. They have control in my life, so I have to appease them. Because of this, I unfortunately did not get to talk to the communists :(

Hopefully they're still there next time... I'm kinda mad >:(

Also Star replied to my good morning text... I told her to have fun shopping since that's what she told me she was gonna do... she just said "thanks" and I was concerned because THATS NOT HOW SHE TYPES? I feel like shes sad over something but i dont know what.

The day me and Jacob did stuff, I was supposed to walk her to her bus stop like I always do. But I didnt (duh) I took Jacob home.

But IT WAS ONE! DAY. And I told her my dad called me over so.... I apologized too and she seemed mad at herself, but in the way that's intended to make you feel bad.

I dont understand her sometimes. I LOVE HER. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love her so so much shes such a great supportive funny attractive girl! But soemtimes she gets upset and I can never tell why: is it the depression? Is it me? Is it soemthing else entirely? And she'll never tell me.

Whatever, I'll ask her how she is tonight and maybe we can Talk :/

I might never tell her about Jay... :P I might never tell ANYONE about Jay. It's our little secret I guess >:))))))

Man see? I'm no saint. I guess that's what'll make this blog worth reading. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing cos I KNOW this is morally not right but. I'm doing it anyways. What can I say? I'm used to lying and hiding things for my benefit. I had to do it to survive and now? Now I do it for funsies.

I'm gonna pack some more stuff, TTYL ♡

UPDATE: we had to go look at houses for the move (since my parents r divorcing) and I didnt get to pack much of anything yet

I'm definently over my cal limit today...

        Cold sweet or carbonated drinks help with my throat pain so I'm downing them like they're NOTHING and since we have no zero  cal cold drinks I'm DEAD... and no, water does NOTHING.

Jeez, its raining out.

And FUCK JAY cos hes still on my mind.

Its 4:11 p.m. now.

Its now 7:56 p.m.

I kinda feel like an edgy main character in an edgy movie rolling up to the park and sitting #alone in the Treez like the emo band music video protagonist I am.

Sometimes its exhausting to talk to people I care about in a serious way or that I talk to in a more sincere manner like Star and Jay and others. Even if they're just friends. If our interactions are serious and not really casual and usually play out like long deep conversation, I feel like to respond to or even read their messages, I need to have like an hour allotted to conversation. Soemtimes I see the messages early and have to pretend I didnt see em cos I dont have internet to respond or time to respond its. Funny. Idk.

Anwyays I'm binging chocolate in a park alone and like. Rotting my fucking teeth OH WELL 🤷🏻‍♂️ whatcha gonna do.

Its 8 now so I should head home. I just biked to the s4ve 0ns to get my dad white choclate but. If I'm going to s4ve 0ns... YOU BET YOUR ASS IM GONNA STE4L SHIT. THAT PLACE IS EASY AS FUCKKK.

Also I'm kinda addicted to sh0pl1fting. The THRILL I get from it is so insane. It's fun! And you get free stuff! I know If i get caught I'm risking a lot. I'm aware. But I dont really care. Every step I take nowadays is risk taking. So why not take more?

I dont care about nonsense therapy. Fuck that.... actually I'll explain why i dont go to therapy for my shit:

1. I cant

2. I don't trust it

Anwyays yeah.

My throat still hurts. Idk, I just like to be in the sun and shit ALONE.

ALONE! It's so funny to me how now I like my time alone but as a kid I'd proabably kill for some positive attention. Well... it's more complex than that, but I wont go into it tonight.

Pls watch me die of diabetes soon from eating all this fucking chocolate.

My parents said to stop drinking monster and I wANT THEM TO TRUST ME so i can go out with my friends... but also I shoulda got monster outta spite. Heart palpitations my ASS.

Tonight I'll be talking to Jay AND Star. At the same time. Which is awkward... Which is MY OWN MESS TO CLEAN UP. I actually accept full responsibility. But also its awkward.

Whatever. I'll sort it out.

My parents arent being as complicated as usual. I guess they're tryna reverse all those years of... emotional neglect i guess? Something.

Something. Which isnt nothing.

But also I think they're guilty over the divorce. Like. Today my dad was like "do u ever feel sad? Blah blah blah... how do u feel rn" and I was like smiling tryna play off his question like it was absurd and I said "uhm idk... *fake laugh* normal?"

THE TRUTH WAS THAT I WAS A BIT CONFUDDLED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO REGARDING. LITERALLY CHEATING. ON MY GF. WITH SOME DUDE IN MY ART CLASS. JUST FOR SEX.

But then he was like "this isnt normal." And he looked all sad.  But on my way to the park here, I thought about it a bit more. And actually... it IS normal. The divorce rate is smthn like 60 percent in the states and 40 percent in canada... which is where I live.

Yknow... if my irls find this,,, all I have to say is sorry. Be as mean as you want.

I've already accepted my fate as a degenerate scumbag anyways lol.

Actually... how DO I feel? Hmm... laying in this field.

Urgency.

I have a lot of stuff to do.

Physical pain, but that's not. A FEELING.

I guess anticipation to TALK TO PEOPLE.

Regret from my binge... I better get home.

You know what's so funny to me? I cant purge on my own... but dick makes me vomit. Like the one time I DONT want to throw up, I do. Damn okay.

Well its 8:18 so I'm going home maybe. Soon. For now, I think I'll stay a little longer.

Yknow one thing I didn't expect to be sore was my arms... which I used to prop myself up to... yknow, suck Jay...

I still remember he said: "you're trembling." And I was like FUCK because I thought the trembling was HIM... •_• it's okay though I'll learn to do better.

Idk tho... I feel comfortable with him. Even as nervous as I am and embarrassed to be. Naked. In front of soemone else. And such. He makes me feel comfortable. Look, I did my best, DUH of cOURSE I did my best, I'm the type who will work hard at stuff even if they're getting hurt. I didnt mind honeslty. My goal in that part was just to make him feel good. Equal exchange, yknow? He did the same thing to me.

But like, he can tell when I gag and he tells me not to hurt myself and of course I keep going, I'm not about to SToP. But. I dont kNOW. Him talking to me like that makes me feel a lot safer doing stuff like that you know?

I like when he starts kissing me and touching me like he cant contain himself its almost animalistic and VERY FUCKING HOT

I feel like I talk about him too much but you gotta realize that was my FIRST time

1. Sucking dick

2. having MY junk sucked

3. Having anything put. Inside me. (It was just his finger but stILL)

So yeaH. Of course I'm gonna talk about it. A lot.

He said I was adorable. He said he likes how, when he leans over me, I take in a breath... how he could make me flinch.

THATS HOT ISNT IT.

I feel like I'm getting lost in his charm when I shoULD be tryna fix shit with my girlfriend. She seems sad and I'm worried.

But there isnt much more to say until I DM her tonight...

I really fucked up, didn't I? I totally fucked up and now my brain is all confused. But I have to remember that Jay is only about sex. He would be nice to cuddle, since hes fucking HUGE and I'm kinda on the short side, but he doesnt talk to me out of love. He does it out of lust. And yeah... I really only want sex from him too. But like. Star and I are COMMITTED. We got our feelings wrapped up together. Emotionally and romantically.

So. I should proabably like... stop fucking with Jay. Tell Star what I did. And hope she forgives me. That's the morally correct thing to do.

But like... do I EVER make the morally correct decision? No. Not really. I'm a piece of shit. Whatever. Its highschool anwyays we arent mating for life. IM NOT SAYING WHAT I DID WASNT BAD. IT WAS. VERY BAD.

but I'm gonna keep making bad decisions.

I DO FEEL BAD.... but look. If we're being logical about this and tryna maximize my benefit here,, I should keep Star as my girlfriend and TREAT HER WELL... but with Jay as a fuckbuddy on the side. Hes leaving the school soon anwyays so then we'll hang out less...

That's my plan, anyways.

I KNOW I'm a bad person. I'm aware. But it's just a fact of life.

I'm cheating with my cards here in so many places: stealing, lying, cheating, disobeying my parents, not paying attention in class.. IM KIND OF AN ASSHOLE KID. Idk. It's kinda whatever to me. I'm fucking harry Houdini, okay? I can get out of anyhting. This isnt me being cocky... I have historically gotten out of MANY tight situations, even some that risked my life, and I'm still here. I think I'm a walking lucky charm or SOEMTHING

Welp, we know if gods real I'm going to hell.

I dont really care. Idk. I guess I'm just at that risk taking phase in.my life. That doesnt  justify anything... but it explains it. And it's possible to explain without justifying.

Man,,, I guarantee whoever reads this blog is gonna hate my guts.

Whatever. It's my fucking journal/diary lol.

I can sorta say whatever I'd like.

It's funny because I always thought I was trustworthy and had no commitment issues BUT HEY I GUESS NOT.

I keep telling myself, cut him off, YOU AVE A GIRLFRIEND, FESS UP AND APOLOGIZE... but then I picture his STUPID smirking face and I CANT.

Maybe I am in love double.

Doesnt matter if I am... i still did a bad thing.

DAMN.

Well... I'm headed back home now. 8:41. I'm gonna pack my shit, change, watch youtube,,,, I guess I should check my google classroom and like. do my fucking homework... cos I haven't done it yet.

Then I'll update yall.

11:51 p.m.

Hey guys I'm back with an update.

I talked with both of then... star doesnt seem interested in having an actual conversation,,, shes just talking  about  random bs. Which is fine but I dont rly get what shes saying half the time COS SHES NOT BLUNT ENOUGH. and then the other half shes going on about how much she hates life. Like.

I do love her. We've bonded. I AM concerned about her. But sometimes I feel like she doesn't really try. Like I can talk her down from suicide all I want but everything I say is wrong and cliched and based off my own experience with suicidal thoughts and like... my mentality has always been sorta toxicly masculine. Push through, and push through alone. I CANT ALWAYS HELP! And it makes me feel shitty. Idk. She'll be okay, I know so cos of her story posts and drawings.

I feel bad but I know I can't help much. We talked a little. Idk, we didnt get anywhere. I love her but shes acting in a way that tells me soemthing is wrong but I CANT FIX THAT THING. SO. yeah, theres not much to say. I wish I could take away all her pain but I can't.

I talked to Jay as well... I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LIKE HIM SO SO MUCH. SO MUCH. HES LITERALLY PERFECT. sexy, kind and super considerate, he always makes sure I'm comfortable... I dont KNOW,,, hes sweet.

Hes not romantically interested in me. Which is a bit sad. Sometimes I want to tell him "I love you!!!" But then I remember that we are, in his words, friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Two horny teenage boys who just wanna fuck... and be friends. That's all. That's us. We aren't romantically involved nor will we ever be. I hate how my brain gets so attached to anyone I fuck... especially since I kinda see Jay as an "older brother" figure, which makes no sense until you actually meet him and vibe with him... and like,,, I've always wanted that?

Tommorow I'm gonna ask for him to come over to watch a movie... but idk if I should actually ask because my parents kinda hate me now for fucking up so much. I'll do my homework and clean my room first... which will take up all my time proabably :( it's okay. Maybe some other time :(

I dont want him to lose interest in me though.

.... its 1:56 a.m.

Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I love him.

Goodnight, tumblr.

-Jude

[idkguessiwillbloghere]

Blog Post #4

Feeling: Anxious Weather: Dim and wet Last thing I ate: Steak Last thing I drank: Hot chocolate I’ve a therapy appointment tomorrow. My therapist and I are planning to start delving into my childhood traumas. I’m glad we’ve gotten to this point, I’m tired of my life wasting away under the regime of trauma responses. It’ll put my mood through all kinds of turmoil, but it either happens now or later, so the sooner the better. I’m sure it’ll go slower than I want it too, but I know pacing is important. My therapist is gonna want to do it right. I’m tempted to go back into EMDR; that worked weirdly well the two times I tried it with a prior therapist. I think I’d progress a lot more with EMDR, but we’ll see how this goes I guess. I’ll have to wake up early enough to drive out to see my therapist; I asked if I could see him in person, the secretary gave me a call and said that would be possible, though she’d have to confirm it with my therapist. Currently watching Family Guy commentaries. I went through all the seasons I own, so now I’m onto using the commentaries as background noise while I play the Sims 4. I’m working on a household that has a darker plot; I’ve several households made to cater to my various moods. Sometimes I need a completely wholesome household where nothing ever goes wrong and it’s just slice of life, and sometimes I need an evil household with evil bullshit going on. This one is more for catharsis; a homeless vampire was drugged and impregnated, and she’s going to fall in love with another girl whose home life is similarly horrible, and once her girlfriend is assaulted, the vampire will kill everyone in the town and take over one of the newly emptied households so she and her girlfriend can raise their kids and live a happy life. As said, dark plot, but it’ll be fun to watch the abusers get what they deserve in the end. I fed my fish and snails today. I wish I had more energy to interact with them, like I used to. I might be doing it more for therapeutic reasons; my therapist told me to write down activities that will help me unwind while we go into my traumas, and interacting with my fish is one of those things. They always get so excited when I say hi to them, it’s really cute. I think the snails are more indifferent. I wish I knew how to build a better relationship with them, but honestly, so long as they’re happy and healthy, I don’t mind too much. I’m glad I’ve gotten more knowledgeable of how to care for them all, my first several fish were dying from being overfed, or from being in a tank that’s too crowded or too dirty. I don’t understand why pet stores give such garbage information. I don’t trust them anymore, after a while I decided to test the information I was receiving; I asked the same question like five times, all to different employees (all who boasted about loving and knowing about fish super well), and they all gave me different answers. I was like fuckin’ wow, heh. I’m gonna do some pushups after this. I’ll try to stretch a bit more beforehand. Maybe I’ll wait a bit for my food to settle so the warm-up doesn’t upset my stomach. I drank a lot more water this morning, and that’s making me feel WAY better. Unsurprisingly, I suppose, but it’s something I’ve been neglecting ‘cause it’s felt like I couldn’t stomach it. Thankfully it hasn’t done anything bad to me yet, so I’m gonna keep drinking as much as I can today. I’m gonna be home all day, it doesn’t matter how much I go to the bathroom. Though it’s a dismal thought, knowing how much we prioritize capitalistic lifestyles, where we ignore our needs for the sake of work or whatever. Bathroom stuff and the likes shouldn’t be ignored, it’s not healthy. Just because the body can manage doesn’t mean it’s healthy or okay. I’ve other thoughts floating around my head, all things worth talking about, but I’m not feeling like expatiating on them at the moment. Nothing else is giving me a big enough emotion to be glaringly upsetting. Though maybe I should get into the habit of talking about that stuff anyway. I know I’m high-functioning, so it’d make sense if I needed to work stuff out without noticing, ‘cause it just doesn’t feel as pressing as the most intense stuff. So Idk, I’m still worried about the guy I’m attracted to. He comes to mind every day, it seems. I’m anxious about the friend who keeps mentioning she wants to kill herself, and I’m anxious about my other friend who just had someone in his life dye, and he and I are feeling like we’re drifting apart a bit. Maybe the latter is due to the pandemic, we always seem to interact better in-person. Our conversations never seem to go as well via text. That last friend still bothers me; he’s been there for me more than anyone else, but he has this thing of being a habitual liar. And I know he does because of some of the stories he’s told. I’ve even said some things to test whether a story is true or not, and he starts making excuses or backtracking. It bothers me so much, because he’s divulged an elaborate backstory of his youth, where he’s said shit like his father has thrown him down stairs, put his head through a wall, so on. I never doubted it until I learned he lies often. It makes me so sad, ‘cause I thought I was finally able to connect with someone else who knows severe childhood trauma like I do. But now every time he “shares” something, it makes me feel more distanced. I don’t know if I can trust what he says or not, and because of his constant lying, I feel like I can’t connect with him anymore. It just makes me feel more alone. He’s noticing me pulling away a bit, and I have no slight idea how to discuss this with him. I told him to go into therapy, he finally got there, but now he’s criticizing everything his therapist does and claims to know better, so I guess it won’t even work. I don’t know what to do. But I guess all of that isn’t really up to me. All that’s up to me is whether I stick with him or not. I just wish I could make a judgement based on known facts.

[aitian]

5:43 am 12/29/2020

end of year.

feels right to revisit how i looked this yr on photobooth. most ppl only knew me through my webcam. i dont have many thoughts abt who i am or what im doing these days. mostly playing video games with alice. we smoked together a few days ago & i still feel like im in deadtime. like maybe i cant remember the important things im supposed to from the past. & rly existential lately. the panic is just in my throat, thinking abt how fast time is going & how there is no way back. i think there is a carceral logic behind the entrapment that all us depressed & anxious kids feel.. like the inadequacy of being alive, the failure to feel like a beautiful future is unfolding. im not sure anyone feels that way these days, & maybe thats why they r all holding on so desperately. all empires fall. im so grateful to be able to feel moms body & be her child these days. i just wanna lay my head on someones chest & feel good, warm, soft, coarse fabrics. also feeling anxious abt my classes, turning in the same essay that isnt rly an essay to all of my profs. oops. it was rly the best i could manage. vestigial body... i will finish writing smth i feel proud abt one day, & it will be written to myself. like this. 

idk when the last time i wrote was, but maybe i wanna talk abt my relationships. feels like i got a hard reset on my brain by smoking with alice. oh god. anyway i havent been talking to sherry & adele recently bc i just dont feel right around them. in november remembering again what it felt like to feel so unwelcome all the time, feel that energy & those manners replicated by them toward me.. ik i should just talk to people frankly abt the things im uncomfortable with at home now that i have so much practice doing it but i just dont want to. somehow it feels like they should all just know, that they are living alongside me all this time in various ways even if i am not saying things to them, & our actions that connect us in relationship are felt by them too. & there is some part of refusal to see the relationship for what it is. im not begging for some trans pity or for commitment.. those kinds of relationship arent real. what is real is wanting to spend time with me, wanting to experience some sort of exchange between bodies, wanting to walk toward near horizons. feels like everyone who listens & agrees when i speak just does it to be amicable. there are only so many ways i can reassure myself that ppl understand me for who i am, even when they are constantly being led astray to hurt me. like alice saying its good for doctors to have objective views of their patients, outside of any other relationship. mom saying that she trusted our teachers to teach us what we needed. getting weirdly gendered messages from friends at home, & never asked in good faith about how i feel. its rly so shitty that even questions like how was the day or what ru thinking rn or whats on the horizon r things they want me to ask, then dont want to answer, & make fun of bc they feel awkward saying anything. so stupid. its this kind of shit that holds me back from letting my desires be known, these rituals of repression & shame. & i always wanna hear ppls desires & then immediately regret asking to know that our relationship is in direct conflict with their utopias. so stupid.

today after dinner, which was in the late evening, mom & alice & i did some short yoga stuff & then we did silly lion dancing. im still sore. i stretched out everything that felt sort afterward. anyway, felt good to be goofy & sweat & breathe hard. 

what im feeling abt this year: - vestigial body x1000 --> dark room, heart beating fast, waiting & squeezing. theres that episode of midnight gospel when the dying dog/reindeer lady talks abt giving birth & dying, like squeezing & tensing & on no this moment will never end & then releasing & coming to rest & then all over again. & that is what i think abt every time i feel in panic now, or in a deep place of fear. there r some pains that cant be escaped, & they dont need to be. they r felt all the same.  - i made a new friend through q&a who is a kid im supposed to b mentoring. it just means that all relationships are reciprocal (i dont like that word either, but they r never simply one way or transactional) & we met every thursday during the school yr. i prepared short stories for us to read & writing prompts, & we wrote abt stuff.  - i just cant remember. all i remember abt this summer was going to stone valley with mom, feeling the sunlight & my tiredness (in an enveloping selse, toward my body & my spirit), playing games w sherry, playing some piano, & working on that fire emblem romhack. feels like the year went by so quickly. like i just had my birthday a few days ago, & now the new year means it is coming again soon. sometimes whole lives are vestigial. what is gruesome & magnificent abt that is that those vestigial bodies are hard to kill without clear intentions & collective effort. what sucks is the entrapment. i have been feeling this cant remember feeling in a bigger way, toward what my life was like before college, toward who i was in college now that i am so removed, & even more toward the kid whose world blossomed into smth they desperately desired & felt afraid of. middle school me would be horrified. maybe an even younger me would be proud, feel in awe or struck by the rightness of home. - i want to remember mom. the way she walks around with her hands in her pockets. 帅吗。:). how we skip/gallop sideways to avoid the wind on our walks, & she bounces when she walks like a silly kid. i love her. unruly gender, stubbornness of feelings, failure failure failure is why we r hurt but also why we r rly still allowed to be here. thinking abt moms essay, moving away from her grandma, thinking she would live together again someday. thinking abt how im home this yr, in a way i thought maybe i would never be ever again. its so cruel to leave love behind for the sake of a ritualized life i could never participate in. i wont do it. i just wont.

some feelings abt the coming year - i want to meet someone like myself & fall in love. deeply, with myself, in relationship. i wanna have sex too, & feel held in my being alive. i wanna be allowed to enjoy my body in even more regards like wearing short sleeves & feeling the sun on my arms free from dysphoria, existing in public not noticeably & feeling the evaporation of racial tension, waking up with that feeling of possibility, like i want to be alive & eat food & go outside & do those things in my body that remind me that i am a part of how the rest of this world is growing. i wanna be held in that knowing, together, of wellness & movement toward everything that means we matter to each other.  - playing video games has been so important to this vestige & i dont want it to remain that way. i wanna collect stuff & grow stuff in real life, & grow myself & my relationships too. its not living when its the mourning of the freedom i should have always had & should have every moment i am continuing to life unfreely. - i wanna do some stuff to express gratitude to the ppl i have continued some sort of relationship with. feel bad abt how no one has emailed me back in more than a month now. maybe wanna do a q&a chapbook or yearbook. complex feelings bc i am so not in relationship with the ppl i wanna care abt. it sucks. part of that is letting go of guilt too, & being real with myself abt how much responsibility is on the other body to make me feel okay in our relationships. its rly not my fault that, u kno.. everyone is used to making someone like me feel like shit. sad that my most continuous relationships this yr r with professors. those dumb feelings of obligation r killer. i guess im grateful to be legible in some ways, while feeling the intensely awkward unwillingness to be real abt our positions relative to each other. i think lots more happening in this regard in the coming months w classes, blk atlantic ecologies, maybe smth w prof lee. & sometimes thinking abt what grad school would mean. - i wanna feel slow, i wanna feel like myself, i wanna feel free. some feelings r sitting in the garden on my own in the spring, planting some stuff. thinking abt what it might grow into, coming back again & again. the sun ducks behind clouds & comes back out, & the world feels so light & passing by. & time feels forever, like i have so much patience to dream & breathe & observe. this is one of my early memories, watching shadows on the concrete/sidewalks at preschool, feeling warmer then colder then warmer again. i also wanna feel the kind of collectivity that makes me know we all insist on home. i want it to branch beyond this home that i know. & also mean that i will not throw this away. im thinking abt how to exist intimately with more than one person at once. it is smth i will learn as it comes into my life.

[spaceorphan18]

Finding Kurt Hummel: All or Nothing

Masterpost

4x22: All or Nothing

And we’ve reached the end of season 4.  It’s been a long and hard journey, but we’ve reached the end of it.  And, you know, this is kind of a weird episode, but I like it.  

Kurt’s not in it a whole lot - and man, it would have been nice for just a smidgen of where his thoughts were, but the Klaine plot is going to move forward in a positive direction, even if there’s one big tragic thing on the horizon. 

Proposal Plans

Again - Kurt’s not really in any of this, but I should mention Blaine and all his plans to propose.  And, idk, I kind of went over how I feel about it in the previous episode.  I feel like now, I’m just watching it as a fun thing.  

Some thoughts: 

Blaine is incredibly enthusiastic about this plan.  My headcanon is that post-Burt getting the all clear he and Kurt have started sleeping together again.  There are some deleted season 5 stuff that leads me to believe this, too.  

Sam brings up Adam - but we don’t get a definitive comment on the state of that relationship.  Mostly, because it doesn’t matter.  And because there’s not anything to say - and Adam or no, Blaine’s gonna propose anyway. 

I’m really sad we never got to see Sam acting as a best man - or Kurt have all his ladies help him with his wedding.  Ah well...  

Why is Tina speculating of a future with Blaine?  Also - Tina’s so over listening to Blaine talk about Kurt. 

I like Jan.  I think she’s a little ridiculous for encouraging an 18yo to get married, but I like her as a mentor for Blaine. 

Mentors

Ah man this scene.  Which as gotten so much flack over the years.  Here’s my two cents about the production.  No - it’s not the best Klaine scene we ever got.  Maybe some of the acting was a little understate, maybe some of it was overstated.  And maybe both the editing and direction weren’t exactly what this portion of the story needed.  Looking at it in a bubble, it’s a little weak.  That said - I don’t think it’s as bad as everyone makes it out to be.  And I personally have more issues with the editing then I do with the acting.  But that’s just me.  Moving on to the story.... 

First of all -- let’s address the issue that Kurt’s cold and distant in this scene.  Well.  I don’t really think that he is.  Distant - maybe.  But let’s put it in some context.  He has literally just met these people.  And they’re sweet and nice, and Kurt does say it’s nice to meet some older gay people that they can look to.  But they just met - and we all know how Kurt is about opening up to people.  And it’s a little different than, say, meeting Isabelle - whom he clicked with immediately.  This is someone Blaine’s met initially, and Kurt still needs to feel it out on his own terms.  

Plus, he does look and smile at Blaine on a few occasions.  Most of them are when the camera are pointed at Blaine, or from up above, so it’s hard to tell, but it is there.  (Which is why my issues are with editing.) 

See - Kurt’s smiling and having a good time.  :)  They’re even sharing one plate of dessert with each other.  

Yeah the line where he claims they’re not a couple is a little awkward.  And I’ve read some great meta about how whatever’s going on with Blaine at the moment is complicated, and Kurt hasn’t fully worked it out - but he’s not really going to get into /that/ with a couple of strangers that he’s literally just met.  I mean, c’mon, he didn’t even get into that with Rachel.  Besides - he lifts the coffee cup to cover his mouth - which is a deliberate direction choice, because people often hide their mouth when they’re lying or trying to cover something up.  They may not officially be a couple, but they’re not /not/ a couple.  

Anyway - the lesbian couple talk about their life together - and it’s a run down of a lot of gay culture and history.  I do want to mention that they say they broke up twice and got back together twice.  And I know there are two groups of people - the people who believe RIB planned out the Klaine story, and those who don’t.  And while I don’t think they had every detail planned (I mean - Cory was still alive when they shot this) - I do think the they knew the long term plans for Klaine.  And I think that line was intentional - especially when all the precognitive lines from Burt earlier about Kurt getting married and having babies, and telling Blaine they’ll be fine turned out to be true.  And they knew the show would be on for two more years and that’s it.  So yeah, I think they knew there’d be another break up in the cards. 

But Jan and Liz are sweet - and Kurt is endeared by their story. 

Kurt’s face when Jan asks Liz to marry her.  Kurt is just so thrilled to witness this surprise show of romance.  And a second later, he just adores it.  This is the first of two major romantic things to happen within this episode, and Kurt reacts positively to both of them.  Hmmm.  ;) 

But also - the significance of this being two women who decide to get engaged in a small town restaurant, and everyone’s clapping and happy for them.  The Jan and Liz stuff is about more than being mentors for Klaine - it’s commentary on gay rights - as is all of the marriage equality stuff.  

I’m a little sad we didn’t get to see any more of Jan and Liz... 

All or Nothing

So, it’s Regionals ----- finally.  And Brittany has a big announcement.  She’s pregnant!! No.  The actress was.  But Brittany herself was headed off to MTT.  And she goes around the circle and tearfully says goodbye.  And weirdly, has a line for everyone but Kurt.  It seems super strange -- especially since they’ve been unicorns together.  But it makes me think one of two things - the line for Kurt was cut, or Kurt wasn’t originally in the scene.  I can see either being true - more so than they just forgot to write in a line for him. Man, why didn’t we have the scripts for all the episodes? 

Speaking of scripts - we did get some deleted dialogue from this moment during Blaine and Marley’s duet of All or Nothing. 

Kurt: “Why am I so nervous?” Santana: “Because you still love him, you dope.”

First of all - I’m entertained that Santana calls him a dope.  Ah the love in their friendship.  

Yeah this would have been nice to hear.  And yes, I get the criticisms that it’s not Kurt being the one to say it.  I mean, we really haven’t had Kurt explicitly say anything about how he feels towards Blaine since....  Thanksgiving?  God damn, all this subtext is exhausting.  But - I do think this is the show telling us how he feels.  And I think, possibly, one reason why they cut it is because they felt they were being too explicit about it.  Oh show....  

At least kept in is this nice moment of Kurt getting teary eyed at Blaine singing. 

So - New Directions win, and Will and Emma decided that it’s a good time to get married.  And look who’s excited about a surprise wedding.  I mean, Kurt’s jumping up and down excited. 

So, seriously, the next person who tries to convince me that Kurt’s not alright with either his surprise proposal or his surprise wedding - I will throw this episode at you!! 

And as we pan out of season 4 - we’re left with the promise of a ring and a continued story.  I know a lot of people weren’t thrilled with it - I know I was antsy to have more of a conclusion than /that/.  But maybe now that I have the full picture, I don’t mind so much.  

I mean - Season 4 was about them being apart.  And yeah - there were together in the first three episodes, but not really.  And they were technically apart at the end, but I could argue not really there, too.  But it’s weirdly symmetrical.  Because season 3 and 5 have them together.  And season 2 and 6 have them finding each other for good.  Idk - it’s an interesting pattern. 

And, I can’t quite explain why, but the proposal feels like it belongs to season 5.  Now that we’re years later - season 4 ends just the way it’s supposed to.  With a lot of hope. 

But also - going forward, Klaine is going to be the main couple of the show.  And Kurt gets to have a story again.  And really - I’m excited for both.  So bring on season 5 ;) 

[survivorcutthroat]

Rob’s Jury Question/Answer(s)

Congrats you two on making it to the finals.

Zack

I respect your game. You were able to survive many tribal councils where you were a target, yet you also remained low-key at the same time. You were loyal to your alliances and weren’t fake. You didn’t try to talk to me which I weirdly appreciate because you wouldn’t have to lie to me, you weren’t going to betray me because we weren’t really close and there was really no need to talk to each other.

I told the jury about what you did at the final 5. It’s a game move you made, but you wanted me to keep it quiet even here. I think it benefited you so I want you to own up to the fact that you gave your idol to me. You told me that you were voting me out, which is a plus in my book even if it is some obvious kiss-assing because that means you’re honest and I appreciate it when people are honest. The jury: *laughs.* You said I was going to win but I really wasn’t I was spot on about what the jury was thinking of me,

I want you to describe your relationships with the jury and Amir. It (better) can be long, I want honest opinions of what you thought of them, how they helped you out, why you went against them. That’s it from me, good luck.

Amir

*Cracks knuckles*

It’s no surprise that the cast gets leaked, especially with this season. I found out three people who were playing this season before it started. Jaiden, Luke, and you. I did my research, looked through your old confessionals in Transylvania, asked around about you. My analysis was that you were a very charming guy, you got people to think they were tight with you, and then you would cut them loose. Now I look like the biggest Booboo The Fool. You would say, “Rob! I feel like I tell you things but you don’t tell me anything.” And that’s the reason why. I didn’t want to get close to you, I didn’t want you to betray me, I didn’t want to be that idiot who thought you were his best friend in the entire world just for you to backstab them. I was literally afraid of this happening, and what do you know, it does, because I’m a fucking genius.

I always wanted to meet you, and when we were cast in Clash of the Titans 4 it was the best opportunity because I could get to know you and become your friend, get close to you to where you would want to work with me in this game as well. Where there game intentions? Yes, but you were a really caring guy and I did like you on a personal level.

I was sad that we weren’t together originally, but then we went on to new Magyi. You became my closest ally, the person I wanted to make the end with, the person I was playing this game for, the person who made me grateful to be in this shitty game. I think that you were at the bottom, but I didn’t want you to be, that’s why I told you about the “majority” because I really did trust you. I told you pretty much everything that was going on in that tribe because you were the only person I really really did trust on Magyi.

We make merge and I’m terrified. I voted in the minority on the previous vote and I went to you alone and afraid. You were there for me. You were there for me whenever I was sad, whenever I needed someone, whenever I needed a friend. I did pretty much everything we talked about. Voting Stevie, Mearl, Tommy, Dom, Crow, SId. We agreed that Mearl had to go after he betrayed me and our trust. You knew I loved Tommy, how he was a friend of mine, and how I was conflicted about that vote. But I vote out Tommy, because of YOU, I told the Cutthropes about the minorities’ plans because of YOU, pretty much everything I did in this game was because of YOU. I told you about Dustin’s idol, I got Tommy, Crow, and Dom to vote for Zack instead of you because I didn;t want you to go in case something went wrong or I decided to go with them, I told you about basically everything that could have a relevance to us and our games. At final 5, Zack makes me promise not to tell ANYBODY but I immediately tell you what happened. And that’s because you were my number one, my ally, my comrade, my best friend. I tell my friend everything, and at the F4 she said it might be smart to take you out as the biggest threat. I shut her down so fast, you’ve been my closest ally in this whole game, you said you were going to play your idol on me at the F5, I thought you had my back 100%, you were realistically my only chance at survival, and I really thought you would tie it for me. People told me how you couldn’t be trusted, how I had to vote you out, but I didn’t want to believe them, I thought that that’s not the Amir that I’ve gotten to know, I know he has my back and is looking out for me. Turns out, I was wrong. I would have been okay if you had at least told me you were voting me out. But you didn’t, you said “I’m voting Dustin right the fuck now,” And now everything just feels fake. Our alliance feels fake. Our relationship feels fake. You seem...fake.

 Did I debate cutting you at F3 if I had the chance? Yes. Was it realistic? Knowing me, no.  I would have been fine losing to you in the F2, I probably would have taken you to the F2 because I don’t give a fuck, I wanted to guarantee one of us winning. Can I say that now? Honestly, I’m not sure. Do I sound like a hypocrite? Yes. Do I care? Not really. You probably thought if you voted me out I would be a vote for you, and you probably will be right.

You won two challenges this season. Congrats. Let’s see if you can win one last one.

https://68.media.tumblr.com/4499cf271ad1d05d805952c43166a151/tumblr_o5nssqyw9D1v9j7mmo4_250.gif

I am you, you are the ketchup bottle, your lies were the ketchup.

You’re doing the #WasteHerTime2017 Challenge, inspired by a queen. I would like you to analyze ALL of our conversations and post the messages where you wasted my damn time, where you told me bullshit, where you were being fake. I want timestamps, I want receipts. You can write and include anything you would like about the messages you post.

I also want you to be honest with me. Tell me the things you hate about me, the things that annoy you about me, that piss you off. I can tell there were times you were mad at me and I want you to be upfront about it.

I say all of this with very harsh love, because at the end of the day, I do love you. I do want to be friends. But that does not guarantee you my vote.

Good luck,

From Booboo the fool.

Okay this is the first question we got and its the last one im answering. I basically wrote an entire draft of this question doing what you told me and structuring this answer and you know what im not sending that. Im going to just go into a headspace where i can be genuine with you, and im going to type out how i feel, and them im not going to reread this answer, im not going to edit it, im just gonna send it. Rob, im not fake. Our friendship was not fake. I care about you so much as a friend, maybe to you my actions in the game didnt reflect that and i don't even know where to start. Your friendship meant a lot to me, and im not ignorant to the fact that i could not have made it this far in the game without you. You were extremely loyal and i felt like had someone who was truly looking out for me. Rob i was so loyal to you for almost the entire game and multiple times i did have the intention of taking you to the end completely, but when final 4 hit, i struggled so fuck hard rob i really really struggled. I told you i was going to tie it and i planned on it but it was all because of how much i cared about you but in the back of my mind i knew it was a bad move, i knew it was a final 3 and id be pissing off the 2 people that id go to final 3 with, and it would mean that id be solidifying my position as a 3rd place for the second time in a row. I really really had to seperate game and emotion and while that my biggest strength, i absolutely hate the fact that i hurt you, rob idk what else to say to you i cant make you believe me but i was there for you through everything. I was never someone who tried to make you dependant on me, whenever you brought up your problems i only ever told you that you were a smart guy who deserves self confidence, i always tried to help being a happier person and to truly love yourself and see yourelf as a the kind person we all see you as in this game. This answer is getting long af but so was your question so imma just keep but rambling. Rob theres nothing that i hate about you. I delete the first draft of my answer because im not supporting your self destructive question, its a way to hurt me and way to hurt yourself and it completely takes anything fun out of this game. As someone whos preached self love to you, im not going to do what you said and make you hate yourself or hurt your feelings over a jury vote. If you don't wanna vote for me for not exposing your personal messages and being mean you, then don't vote for me. And id be completely lying because i have nothing ill to say about you. Okay, thats all, im sorry, i really really hope you forgive me

Okay! So.. I guess it’s no secret now that yes, I did in fact give Rob my idol to play on himself at final 5. I felt bad because we all attacked him in the immunity challenge and I thought Abel’s idol was actually real so I wanted to give him a fair chance to compete in a fire making challenge and see who really wanted to be here. I didn’t have any intensions on Abel to leave but that is just how the cookie crumbled and I don’t regret doing this for Rob.

Now let me describe my relationship with the jury. I’m gonna be nothing but honest here.

Luke. I’ve known Luke for a little while now and I actually played my first ORG with him. We both just played Switzerland together and believe it or not, we actually worked together. Like I said in my rights of passage, I had all intensions on working with Luke in this game but, shit happens! Looking back now, I think Luke leaving actually benefited my game. There was so much talk about a Switzerland alliance (which was not real but I did want to start one since people already thought there was one) so when people saw that we actually voted against each other, I think that opened people’s eyes that wow, okay, this is actually a whole different game and just because of past relationships, anything can happen. I personally love Luke and love that he like’s all my Facebook/ IG post. A real hunt owo.

Stevie. I’ve played past games with Stevie and.. We never really clicked. We’re both completely opposite people with different interest. We never worked together so I pretty much assumed it would be the same in this game. I tried talking to Stevie and tried connecting with him but the only thing we connected about were bears. But… I’m not complaining! That being said, I respect Stevie and would love to get to know him outside of the game, but in the game, we never worked together and never were going to work together because I couldn’t see myself trusting him after he tried to blindside me. But I’d love to get to know more about him and talk more about bears.

Mearl. Mearl is someone that I knew nothing about. I had no past relationship with him so I needed to start a relationship with him from the start. We would talk from time to time but it would jus be the basic game talk. Like “have you heard anything about the vote?” “Oh I heard so and so say this.” But I was very careful with what I told Mearl because I was petrified of him. Going on the Great Lakes wiki and seeing that he won almost every single challenge, I knew he would be competition. I didn’t want him on my bad side at all because I also feared he had an idol. So I would just do my friendly talks with him without giving out any game information and I was thrilled to see he added me in his majority alliance because I feared being on his radar so bad. I respect Mearl so much as a game player.

Tommy. Knowing nothing about Tommy and hearing people talk about how ‘Cutthroat’ is he actually has been in other games, scared me. I would try to talk to Tommy as much as possible, but it was hard. It was so hard to connect with Tommy. Nothing against him, it’s just, we’re totally different people with not much in common. Tommy can talk for hours and I’m more of a person to just have one daily normal conversation a day. I knew Tommy was targeting me for multiple rounds so when we did talk, I would always try to be very careful at what game talk I would actually say without revealing anything. I slipped up a couple of times though but I backtracked and saved myself. Hopefully Tommy and I can talk after this game and clear everything up that really happened.

Crow. Crow helped my game so much. Without him, I may not even be here. He stuck his neck out for me without even knowing who I was so when Crow left, it was definitely hard. I get Crow is mad right now but I respect him so much as a person and a game player and everything I said to him after he tried to vote me out was just a joke and I meant nothing by it. Crow is someone I would 100% want to be friends with outside of this game.

Sid. I knew a little bit about Sid from what other people told me and I realized he’s actually very trust worthy. I wanted to be on the same tribe as him and when we weren’t, I was so glad to see him surviving Tribals because I knew we could both benefit off of each other. I was super happy when we made merge together and I’m even happier that we developed a friendship out of this game. We both helped each other’s game’s in different ways and I respect him so much. If Sid got to the end, he would be a huge competition to beat and that’s why he had to go when he did. Nothing but respect.

Abel. Rob, like you said, a lot of the cast was leaked. Abel and I applied together and we were both so fucking happy and excited to play together, again. We both just played Switzerland and when we actually started the game we realized how fucking hard this is going to be because it was no secret how close us 2 were in that game. I always saw myself protecting him and I always saw him protecting me. We would both tell each other all the information we had and go on from there. Not only was it nice having a great ally in the game, but it was nice to have a friend in the game that I could talk to about anything, not just game talk. He really did keep me sane.

Rob. I would say our relationship is very.. Odd. We rarely talked but we both saved each other. I think I had no choice but to give you my idol because you voted in my favor so many times when you could have taken me out. Honestly, thank you. I knew from what people were telling me that you actually liked me and I actually really liked you and I never would bring up your name. i don’t regret doing what I did for you and I hope you don’t regret helping me out in this game. You’re such a nice kid with a great personality and I respect you so much that I couldn’t lie to you. I really hope we can start some kind of friendship outside of this game.

Dustin. DADDY!!! I was so glad to see Dustin was playing this game. For some reason, we just clicked from day 1. For me, day 1, it was game time. Dustin and I were talking and giving each other information from the very start. I’m so happy and grateful that I got to actually officially meet him and play with him. He helped my game and I would like to say, I did the same for him. Dustin was such a great ally and I love him so fucking much. He’s someone I can say I became really good friends with inside of this game.

Amir. Ahhh! I never actually thought me and Amir would make Final 2 together. Coming into this game, Amir and I had some bad blood. But we both put that aside and knew we could really help each other in  this game and make it far. We were called out day 1 for knowing each other and being friends so I can honestly say I’m shocked we’re sitting in the finals together. I love him so much.

Thanks for your question, Rob, I actually really enjoyed typing this. ;~)

OK, and with that it is now time for our Jury to vote! Jurors, you will be tasked in voting to decide Tumblr Survivor’s 56th winner. Please decide carefully. Your votes are due to your host chat by August 18th @ 8:00 PM EST. 

[missenden]

1.7.12 8:05pm

Half the year has gone already ??? What ??? How ???

This has probably been the best few months I’ve had in a long while. Granted, they weren’t without their difficulty, but I think there were less meltdowns and bad periods than usual? It can be hard to tell in hindsight, but I’m happy anyway. It’s been a good time and I’m sad to see the semester end…

There are so many things to cover – gonna list them out here so I don’t forget to write about anything. Uni (academics and new friends), piano, fic, boxing, quitting SYO, what else? I think that’s it for now.

I haven’t updated for legit like 3 months so this is probably going to take fkn forever. But here goes. So uni has been a bit of a rollercoaster – my first midsems for econ (maths and micro) were god awful. I didn’t think it was possible to do as badly as I did in maths, a solid 4/25 and barely a pass in micro with 15/25. It hit me hard – I wasn’t super confident going into them, but no-one expects to do quite that badly, and to be honest I’m used to working hard and getting the results. I probably should’ve seen it coming. The practice tests weren’t going great and I was probably too confident going in. But yeah. It was a real reality check. Are you as smart as you think, Alyssa? Never. So after about a week of just crying and being real upset at Don (the shittiest lecturer I think I’ve ever had; he wouldn’t give me marks because he was ‘too annoyed’ that I’d gotten so many things wrong previously’, laughs at people in class, tells people to quit their jobs to study for maths…yeah. I know I’ll probably look back on this and laugh at how trivial it is, but man during semester it was annoying.) life had to move on and I had to move on with it. Julia came to Sydney in the midsemester break which was pretty great (it was real nice to hang out with her again and relax!) and then I began to work my ass off for my law assignments before starting to prep for the next econ midsems.

To be honest, I pretty much gave up 2-3 weeks of my life working for law and econ…but it’s not like I didn’t really enjoy it. I really enjoyed working with Tom and then eventually with Soo as well on the contracts assignment, even with the long hours cooped up in my room, poring over casebooks and PDF judgments online (control F has never been more useful I think). There was something about being so absorbed into the knowledge and being so dedicated to something that was just so great – most people would hate it, but I’m glad I don’t. Even working on CCP wasn’t terrible ! Those assignments worked out great; 25/30 for contracts (the top mark was 26), and 16.5/20 for CCP (I think I might have been close to topping!). I never thought I’d see the day where I did that well in law, and that those marks would ever be better than econ lol. But I was mostly glad that everything worked out the way it did – I think it would’ve killed me if I hadn’t done well after so much work. Anyway, hopefully those results can save me from the horror of exams…I’m glad I have at least something of a buffer.

And econ…econ was something special. I have never worked on anything as hard as I did for that maths exam, and to an extent the micro paper as well. All I did was eat, sleep, mandi and study for a two week period – I’m very lucky that I was living in college and that my friends were always around me, because otherwise I probably could’ve become a real hermit. I think it was about then that I really started to fall in love with the maths a little bit lol. There’s this satisfaction that I got out of it that I’d never gotten before. But yeah. After two crazy weeks, I did the papers and scored damn well – went from 16% in maths to 84%, and 60 in micro to 75. By some insane coincidence I’m now exactly on a pass for maths – hopefully it’s enough to carry me into honours next year. I was just so desperate to prove to myself and everyone around me that I could do this, and that I wasn’t an idiot. And I’m glad I did – it’s one hell of a story to tell at job interviews at any rate. But that feeling of success when I first got the maths mark back was absolutely phenomenal. I remember it really vividly – I was waiting out on the street waiting for uber eats when Connor texted the group chat saying that maths marks were up. My nerves were astronomical, but when I saw that number…man. That feeling was something else. All the hard work had been well worth it just for that moment. The feeling is absolutely amazing; I just hope that I’ll be able to experience it again when the exam marks come back.

So yeah – that’s the academics. It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster. Hopefully I can deliver in exams too, and get through with decent looking grades.

There was another great outcome of the second set of midsems – I met this amazing group of friends who do economics at uni. They’re all so welcoming and wonderful and genuine !! I just wish I could’ve met them sooner. For most of the semester since then, I’ve been seeing them every now and again which has been really great – hopefully I can get closer to them next sem. I even got invited to their end of semester stuff – Wednesday night was really great <3 They are all so great. Fingers crossed I can keep hanging out with them.

Along with this group has come some boy stuff lol. Which I’m just so bad at dealing with it’s almost funny. So basically, I think this guy is probably/maybe/I think keen, and I thought I was too, but honestly now I don’t know. Part of it is remnants of all the Lynden stuff – I can’t shake this feeling that getting into a relationship means giving up my independence and losing a part of myself. And then I think the other part is I don’t know if he’s quite the right guy – it sounds shallow, but appearance is definitely a factor, and then also idk I’m worried that if things go pear shaped I won’t be able to be friends with everyone anymore. Idk, I’m just not sure. Tom keeps laughing at my indecision but honestly it’s so bad lol. And I don’t know why I keep pushing people away – is it a self defence mechanism or something? It’s very unhelpful lol and only serves to make things difficult. I haven’t quite worked this one out, but hopefully I will at some point?

On to the next thing – piano. So I’ve been playing casually all semester and really enjoying it! I think not having the pressure to play super well all the time and to just have fun is really great, but is also a little restrictive in terms of progress. At the moment I’m playing a lot of music from the movie Amelie and also Goodbye Lenin, as well as some Studio Ghibli stuff. For some reason it feels a lot better than playing violin, which I haven’t been doing too much of lately – I think a break is probably a good thing, but it also feels sad to let it go. I haven’t even applied for AYO this year, which just feels so strange. Also, I quit SYO – weirdly they never emailed me back or anything, and that doesn’t feel great, but yeah. Idk. It feels like I’m just letting go of so many things in my life which is strange – I’m so used to being committed to a million and one things, and it’s weird to just enjoy doing stuff for the sake of it how most people do, in the way of hobbies. It’ll definitely take some time to adjust to it, but hopefully I’ll get there at some point.

But actually, one thing I have picked up this semester is boxing, and it’s been bloody great. I struggled so much last year to let go of karate and try something new, but somehow I’ve managed to do it this year and I honestly feel as if I’m learning so much. Learning boxing has been a radically different experience to karate – the environment is much more full on, fast paced and intense, which to be honest is a good thing for me I think. My fitness has improved markedly, I’m more toned and feel good. The only thing I wished was a bit better is that individuals don’t get all that much attention, but you can’t win everything I suppose. But hell, I’m really enjoying it – might even be doing a fight in October, though the prospect is a little nerve-wracking. Will probably be doing a kata competition in August as well for karate, so that’ll be interesting !

This semester has really been great. I feel so much more settled in Sydney, my friendships feel much more secure and I finally feel like things are falling into place. I know I take a long time to settle in to places, but I really didn’t anticipate it taking this long lol, but I’m glad that it’s happening at all. It’s nice to feel like some kind of equilibrium has been hit, and that it’s a bit different but a bit the same as what it is at home. Also, it’s great to not be constantly missing home all the time – of course I miss family, friends and Perth itself, but it’s no longer at the front of my mind constantly and stressing me out. Not really looking forward to all the changes that next semester will bring though; everyone is going on exchange and Hintze 3 is going to be weirdly different after the break. And man the bloody room drama – at least Jesse is moving up, but I wish Charlotte was too, but also there was the whole beef with Will and blergh it’s just been annoying.

Speaking of that drama – one of the changes this sem is that I’m not as close to Will as I was before. We kinda grew apart, in part from me getting tired of having him hover all the time wanting to talk about Perth and music, and I don’t think he’s all too happy about it – he apparently things ‘I’ve changed’. But like what else is to be expected? People change and grow up, and normally friendships change to reflect that…I’m not really sure what to do about it. I’m just glad that he won’t be moving to Hintze. The whole room drama just felt very childish…

I think that’s it from me for the moment – Jesse’s just wandered in asking me to chill. Kathryn’s leaving tomorrow so should probably go hang out – things are going to be so weird next sem without her and everyone else ! But yeah. Will try and update soon.