#writing exercise? Or just examples of why I fail interactions? IDK

[bleedingcoffee42]

I had to bury you- WIP

A while ago I responded to a comment on my own smut fic with this bullshit ---> "We were married the whole time" Winnix Angst where one of them disappears during/after the war for years and comes back and finds out the other one is re-married. The betrayal of seeing someone else's wedding ring on their finger. The 'i thought you'd wait for me', the ' we were forever' just internalized with a ' i wanted you to move on and be happy' that comes out of their mouth. 'I had to bury you and it almost buried me' in a tearful excuse for why they have to not run into their arms and thank God they are back, because God just twisted the dagger in their heart and shattered their world again.

And I immediately opened Docs and wrote down whatever came to mind. I'm never going to make anything of it so I'm just going to say it's a writing exercise and just leave it here.

A)It could not have been more perfect, to be reunited in Paris.   Seeing him again, seeing Lewis Nixon walk out of a hotel and thinking it was a mirage; convinced he was seeing things because there was no way after five years that they could be in the same place by accident.   After five years of fighting to find a way to get home to him, he was here and looking straight at him like he saw a ghost.   Dick was still in ragged fatigues from a war that had been over for too long, he was certain he looked like he was a ghost so he waited for Lew to approach him.    And as Lew put his hand over his mouth to muffle whatever cry had to be aching to leave his throat, Dick saw the light catch a ring.  A gold ring.  Theirs had been silver.  And in that moment Dick felt his heart collapse in on itself because he knew it was too late.   Lew moved on, because of course he did.   He was never good at being alone, he always needed someone.   It took everything to not turn around and disappear into the crowd as a single tear slipped from his eye.

B)The farmhouse was just about what he pictured it would be, simple but well taken care of.  Even the fence around the front yard was without a speck of peeling paint and there was a flag flying on the pole, fluttering in the wind like a picture perfect American Dream.   A milk cow mooed at him and Lew smiled, because it was the perfect way to open a conversation he didn’t know how to have, with a joke about Dick Winter’s being Amish.   He walked up the steps to the wrap around porch and knocked on the screen door, hat in hand.  Years, years he had struggled to stay alive, and care about staying alive, so he could have this moment:   The homecoming.   So when the door opened and Dick’s face appeared, his expression going from ‘I don’t want your religion I have my own’ to ‘that’s impossible’ to ‘I’m seeing a ghost’ to…

 “Honey, who is it?” from a very feminine voice as two red headed toddlers and a golden retriever appeared at Dick’s feet, Lewis Nixon wondered if this was what it was like to climb the stairway to heaven only to be rejected at the gate and thrown into hell.   

C) The one where the do make it to the Pacific from the ETO--

“There was nothing left.”  Lew choked out as he fumbled with his cigarettes and his hand shook.  “Not even dog tags, just a crater where you two….”

Dick held his breath as Lew felt apart in front of him, and to his absolute amazement Lip pulled him into an embrace and muttered all kinds of things as sobs wrecked Lew’s body.  He was caught in that moment, unable to breathe, unable to think , unable to process the tenderness and familiarity of it.  Thankfully Ron Speirs wasn’t frozen in place, never was.

“What the fuck?” Ron spat.  “You two are thing?”

“We buried you.” Lip explained.  “Or what we thought was left of you.  You have no idea what it took to keep him out of that hole…to keep going.”

Ron stood up, pushing his chair back loudly and looked at Dick.  “Well, that settles that.  Ready to go?”

“I’m sorry.”  Dick said and stared at them and Ron started to pull him out of the chair and he looked at him knowing he didn’t want to be here when he blew up.   Because they had survived, they got left behind, they had watched an explosion the likes of which they never could imagine take out Japan and gave up trying to be rescued.   They thought the world ended and just survived.  They had each other, so it was only fitting that….  “We….”

“Are leaving.”  Ron said and yanked him to his feet before Dick could give some stupid speech about how great it was they had each other.  And how Sink had told them Captain Lipton took over Easy and led them out of the PTO when their idiot commanders got blown to hell standing next to each other.   How the world didn’t really end, they just dropped an atomic bomb to end the war, but….the world really did end.   Dick had to be feeling his hand shake in his fatigues–had to– because his glassy eyes looked to him and said ‘I’m sorry’.   

“Glad they had you, Lip.”  Dick said and let Ron pull him away, get him out of the room, make some excuse to Sink about digestive upset from having real food, and left the building.    Then Ron left him leaning against the side of the building while he destroyed some crates that were being cataloged by a few baby faced privates who knew better than to stand in the way of this pissed off captain.   Dick sank down the wall and put his face in his hands and let the weight of it all crush him.  He wanted to be happy Lew had Lip, God he was surprised even Carwood Lipton could save him, but he felt like he just lost him all over again.  And they had just inflicted the same pain on the people they loved.   It was no surprise to him that Lip came looking for them as Ron obliterated some ordinance crates and probably injured himself in the process.

“We’re so glad you’re home.”  Lip said and watched a shard of wood go flying.  Blood was splattered on the wall of the building, Ron was standing there, hands on hips with blood dripping off hands.  

“We don’t need any of your placating bullshit right now, Lip.” Ron snapped.  “We fucking gave up and gave you both up, so like Dick said.   Glad they had you and we mean it.”

Lip swallowed hard, Ron turned and looked right past him to Dick.  So now it was Bastogne all over again, anyone who didn’t experience what they had was now unable and unwelcome to be a part of their circle.   He looked down at Dick who really never needed to know how bad Lew got after losing him, and realized that was exactly the situation they were in- Bastogne all over again.  It was, however, unacceptable to give up.  “Are you staying on base?”

“Yeah.”  Ron said and looked at him.  Lip as Captain Lipton was perfect.  It really made up for all the other bad decisions the army made if someone finally saw what a damned good soldier he was.    In reality, he probably got the job because everyone else was dead, but it didn't mean it wasn't deserved and earned.  “Probably sign up for the next war.”

“Can you at least try to…”

“No.”

“Then I’ll beg.”  Lip said and looked at Dick because Dick Winters knew what it took to save Lewis Nixon. “Please, we’re living with Lew’s Mom and sister.   Doris has been going downhill and Blanche isn’t mentally in the best place.  Bill Guarnere is visiting, helping me with the reunion.”

Dick looked up at him.   Why Carwood Lipton was always asked to hold together a damaged family was a question he wanted to scream at God right now.

Ron huffed.  A reunion.   Of course Lip would organize a gathering for the company, he'd keep them together and in touch after the war.  It had been two years, time to check on everyone.   Well, at least they'd have something to talk about.  

“I can’t handle watching you both disappear at war again, so please, can we take this conversation home?” Lip could see Dick processing it, Lew was his weakness and the last two years had to be worse knowing how poorly Lew handled loss.    

“What conversation?  It’s over.”  Ron said and it was cold enough to get Dick to snap out of his moment and give him a nasty look.  

“Far from it.”  Lip said.  Ron's moods never bothered him, he just didn't expect him to be protective over Dick Winters.    But two years alone together with nobody else, well he was happy they had each other.   Hurt, but everything about this was going to hurt.   “The house is big enough for two more and our hearts are still missing the pieces of you that we…”

Ron softened as Lip choked up.

“Buried.  We didn’t even try to look for you, we just gave up and moved out and…”

Dick got to his feet, to put a hand on Lip’s shoulder.  “In combat, you can’t pause to memorialize anyone.  You have to keep moving.”

“It’s not over.”  Lip said and wiped away tears.   “You’re alive and it’s not over. I am begging you both to come home.”

“And now every morning we all wake up to the reality that we all gave up too soon.”  Ron said and shook some blood off.  “No thanks.   Dick, I’m going to the infirmary.  Let me know what you decide.”

“I’m coming.” Dick said let go of Lip’s shoulder and attached himself to Ron’s side, where he had been for the last two years. 

Xxxx

Every time they looked at each other, it was as if their hearts shattered again.   Shrapnel flying and raw feelings of betrayal.  Betrayed by the man they loved, betrayed by God,  betraying the man they loved.  The pain of everything hitting everywhere at once, and they retreated every time.   Watching Nix and Dick together, was downright painful.

Now with him and Lip, it was more of a soul being ripped from your core.   A heart beating with pride for how he continued on, how he took charge.   Fury that he was now bound to someone who took and drained him, even if Lew was generous with his money.  If it had been him, he would have doted but yielded when needed.    They both had someone to watch over now, someone who had shared something so devastating that it changed who they were.   The pain was of what could have been instead of what was lost.

And God, did Lew and Dick lose each other all over again each time they made eye contact.   So, it was time to move. Anywhere.  Anywhere but here.   

“I'm going to take him to see his Mom.”. Ron said and waved away the offer of a smoke.   Those ran out long ago, he wasn't sure he could stomach them again.   “My parents are waiting for me.   Wife already moved on.”

Lip felt that sting, he knew it was about Edwyna but it was also about him.  “You know how things are.  Tough situations, time works differently.”

“Nix is a tough situation, probably would be dead without you.”

Oh how true that was.  “And Dick?”

“Those two got married.   Fucking married.   That was what bound them and now it's what destroys them.”. Ron crossed his arms.  “So, Guarnere and Nix's sister, huh?”

“He makes her laugh and in two years I haven't seen her laugh.  The Nixon kids, they have a tempest inside of them that rages and tries to drown them.   Bill, well he's pretty happy too.  Didn't see it coming.“

“Yeah.”. Ron said, none of them saw any of this coming.  “We are leaving in the morning.”

“Come to the reunion.  It's next month.”

“No.”

“Ron.”

“No.”

“I can't watch you walk off and disappear again, Ron.  I can't.”

Ron saw him shake a little, a crack in the damn holding back everything.    And he was holding back the floodwaters for everyone.    It wasn't fair, one man shouldn't shoulder the burden for everyone he ever met.  

[rivkahstudies]

Hi, i've been having big troubles with wanting to be better at academia and stuff but im not really sure how to get started... i sorta feel like an imposter a lot but im trying to not let it affect me but sometimes i just have moments of excruciating executive dysfunction where i can't move because I want to do so many things and my body is fighting against me... Idk if i even have a question really but it feels better to tell you this... i really look up you a lot and have for a long time...

Hi nonnie! It’s incredibly brave of you to drop this in my inbox. Yes, even anonymously. It takes a lot to even type that kind of honesty out. So thank you, and I hope you take a moment to thank yourself.

Secondly, thank you for touching my heart by your kind words. I hope you realize as you look up to me that I have the same kind of feelings, as do many studyblrs–and I’m dedicated to being honest about it so you don’t feel as if you have to live up to a perfect (and impossible, and fake) standard. I go to therapy regularly despite being in a lot better place than I used to be, because it’s almost like going for a mental check-up or gym session, and my therapist helps me sort through even tiny things so I can build better habits and mindsets. But I still remember feelings of dysfunction well, and I still battle with imposter syndrome!

The most important key ideas here are attainable goals and self talk. Both of these ideas don’t come easily, they do take work, but they’re tools that make other difficult things easier over time, with persistence.

When your body is fighting you (and really, more than anything with executive dysfunction, your mind is fighting you and making your body less functional), even baby steps can be difficult. For you, it could be anything from exercising to studying to eating to showering. Big or small, it’s totally valid that you may or may not struggle with it, and it doesn’t make you desperate for attention, or fake, or pathetic.

Let’s take your desire to “get better at academia.” That could mean a lot of things, so I’m going to latch onto one facet of it as an example. If it doesn’t apply with that exact example, that’s completely okay! Just alter it to apply to what you are struggling with, or desiring.

1. Big, abstract goal: to get better at academia

2. What that means (for this example): developing better study habits

3. What kind of things constitute that? That’s still a big, abstract goal that sounds quite formidable and unattainable. List out as many things as you can that you are striving to do or would want to try. Not everything might work for you!

Managing time better

scheduling study time

being accountable via apps or with family/friends

being efficient or effective (i.e. not getting distracted 

Finding study habits that work for you and for the class’ requirements

flashcards

typed computer notes

handwritten computer notes

handwritten paper notes

infographics

youtube videos

interactive online exercises

conversations with classmates, tutors, or professors

podcasts

mind maps

journal entries

presentations

self-made study guides

practice tests (self-made or provided, online or on paper)

Feynman’s technique–writing a summary of what you’re studying, and then comparing it to the actual material. Whatever is missing is what you need to focus on, because my mantra is that it will always appear on the test.

ranking the subjects or topics by what you know most to least and studying from the bottom up. I can post a more detailed guide to this if you want! just hit me up again.

Also changing the way you treat and care for yourself

setting a stable routine

eating better (this means different things for different people–maybe you need more Vitamin C, so you should focus on more fruits in your diet, or iron, so vegetables, etc… consult with a doctor or registered dietician, not a nutritionist since they don’t have to have a degree or certification)

going to bed at a routine time

if you have to choose one, make the wake up time set. that way, if you do go to bed late but wake up at that time, it’ll reset your body clock to be sleepier earlier the next day. it’ll eventually even itself out. 

drinking more water

setting up or revising your skin care routine

taking measured and unmeasured breaks away from studying to allow the information to set in your brain and to give your mind and body a much-needed reprieve

setting limits on how much screentime you want yourself to add

Self-talk

This is the big one I want to impart on you before this post is over.

You can’t just try to implement these better habits. You also have to focus on what you’re thinking when you’re doing or not doing them, and how you’re psychologically treating yourself. This isn’t easy! It takes a lot of time. And that’s okay. You aren’t going to be free of this stuff overnight. I’ve been working on this stuff actively since I was about 17 and I’m still struggling with it. But I’m also much better at addressing it than I was almost three years ago.

Be aware

Recognize when you’re treating yourself harshly. Acknowledge those times you say “I’m not good enough” in the very back of your mind. Because a lot of times we aren’t even fully conscious of how much we say “I hate myself” or “I’m stupid” or “I can’t do this.”

Once you’ve done that, start calling attention to it.

Hold yourself accountable. If this were someone hurting a friend of yours, you would likely be calling them out for the whole world to know their cruel behavior isn’t acceptable. It’s the same thing for yourself! Those awful thoughts in your brain might live there from self-doubt, mental illness, or other reasons, but you do get to decide if they pilot your actions and your mentality, even if they’re whispering awful things about how you don’t have a choice but letting them be in control. 

I will freely admit on here that I’m attending therapy, because I seek to destigmatize it. I’m not at rock bottom. I’m not pathetic. I just noticed some things about me that I need to change, heal, and/or improve, and I wanted a professional to help me! Much like if I sprained my ankle or got a cold and needed to see a doctor. And one of the things that my therapist told me was as much as my anxiety felt debilitating, I am the one piloting my body and I am the one who gets to decide whether my self-talk is going to change.

And do it gently.

Not “you’re an awful person for saying these things about yourself.” You don’t solve bullying with bullying, and you definitely don’t solve putting yourself down or feeling like an imposter but doing more of the same. Instead, show compassion to yourself. 

Have a conversation with yourself.

“Why do I feel like this?” 

“Where is this coming from?”

“What makes me say that?” 

“What can I say instead?”

“What would make me feel better?”

“What could change my mindset about this problem?”

The choice is up to you how you do it. But pretend you’re pulling someone who is misbehaving or acting cruel aside, and instead of reprimanding them, you just gently put your hand on their shoulder and say, “I’m here. What’s going on? What’s causing this behavior?”

Do the same exact thing with yourself! Offer that compassionate hand. If you’re anything like me, your imposter system is probably coming from undue pressure on yourself, self-doubt, previous bad experiences, fear of failure or rejection, insecurity, anxiety, or any number of other things that could make you doubt your beauty, your talent, your work ethic, your ability to succeed.

And a lot more people have it than you think! Just don’t compare yourself to others when, even if you know them well, you can’t know them 100%. I’m sharing my experiences because I want you to know that you’re not alone. And I also want you to know that you can only fix yourself, you can only control yourself, and the same goes for others–they have no business (and probably aren’t thinking of having any business) judging you or controlling you. If they are, screw them. Your job is to take care of and focus on yourself.

Once you know where it’s coming from, start substituting the language.

You can’t do this. “You may not be able to do this yet, but with some effort, you’ll be able to–or, you’ll be close to being able to.”

You’re a failure. “Everyone makes mistakes or fails. It doesn’t define you.”

It was just luck that got you this far. “It was hard work, passion, and effort. Keep hanging onto those things.”

You’re not good enough. “You are enough, and you don’t exist for others. You exist for yourself.”

People will get bored of you. “You don’t exist to entertain or please others.”

There’s a million more I could go through, but hopefully these examples are enough for you to apply it to your own doubts.

This might be a good exercise to journal. Because then you actually have to get the thoughts out instead of them staying scrambled in your brain. Feel free to do a bulleted guide for yourself like this one!

Etc, etc, etc… Any one of these single bullets could be an entirely distinct post, but I hope this is enough to start you off, nonnie. I want to apologize for taking my sweet time responding, but I really hope you’re still out there, somewhere on tumblr, and you see this post. You are loved, nonnie, especially by me, and I’m always here if you need something. If you message me again, call yourself something, like “self talk nonnie,” so I know I’m still talking to you.

You are all loved! You are all enough! You are all valuable and beautiful as long as you stay true to yourselves.