#writing carson not in sad boi hours is fun :)

[solitvdcs]

I S2G TUMBLR LET ME HAVE 03 . a kiss after a long time apart FOR CARSON/ROSIE

03 .   a  kiss  after  a  long  time  apart .

the lights are dim and his inhibitions are low with the celebratory drinks coursing through his bloodstream. he was still in shock they’d made the trek up from irving to see him in his last performance, and grateful that the lead had bowed out so his understudy could take center stage. he’s not sure if the others are still in the bar, but as far as he’s concerned, rosie is the only person within a ten mile radius. a familiar song plays from the jukebox, and he offers his hand to her before tugging her up - there’s no dance floor, but that’s the least of his concerns. he wants a dance with the beautiful woman in front of him, and he’s just tispy enough to not have to overthink it.

he pulls her close, one hand wrapped around hers while the other rests at the small of her back. the song isn’t really made for this kind of dancing, but they sway offbeat while carson croons the lyrics only loud enough for her to hear; her accompanying laugh is it’s own sort of music. he leans his forehead against hers, nose wrinkling. “i have a confession,” he says, sheepish look on his face. “i had the biggest crush on you, basically from the time i knew what crushes were until - nah, probably still have a crush on you, now that i think about it.” she’s so close that he can see individual eyelashes, and his heart kicks up a beat as she responds in turn - she once felt the same. “oof, that stings - i know i was pretty cute when i was twelve, but -�� before he can finish, he feels a shift in the air; one look in rosie’s eyes and he knows she feels it, too. before he can think better of it, he closes the last bit of distance between them and presses his lips to hers, and in that moment everything feels right.

[henryobsessed]

The Borrower and Her Bean

Summery: Melina lives in the wall between two houses with her family. What happens when lockdown is put in place and her Bean (Henry Cavill) is home.

Word Count: 1700

Warnings: Nothing Yet :) 

A/N @witcherfan​ thank you for the request for a Borrower Henry Fic lets see where my brain will take this lol - I just watched the borrowers for the first time yesterday 😜 

Picture from  Ratgirlstudios's DeviantArt Gallery on pintrest

Part 2

Part 1 –

Melina enjoyed listening to the sounds of the morning, it was her normal waking practice to listen first before she opened her eyes. She could hear sounds of the wind rustling through the blades of grass outside her bedroom. The sounds of the crickets chirping a good morning to each other and the frogs singing their morning tunes. Everything sounded as it should except today there was a new sound, a sound that signalled a change.

She opened her eyes her heart beating faster now that she had heard him, the heavy footfall of the bean that lived in their house. Melina loved their house, in fact, they lived between two wonderful muse houses. There was another family that lived all the way down at the other end of this set of muses but these two were all theirs.

The house to their right was great fun, the beans that lived there had parties all the time. With lots of dancing and loud music that mum and dad were always complaining about. Melina and her brothers loved it. The one thing her mum and dad did not complain about was the food. Because they had so many parties the beans never noticed the missing food. Lots of fruit, cheese, meat pies and salami’s perfect sizes for her father and brothers to bring home. It was a good thing too because the bean who lived on their left was often gone for months at a time. If they had to borrow food from him, they would have starved or would have had to resort to getting food from the other borrowers.

Apart from the lack of food though Melina loved his house. Because it was empty most of the time, they had free reign. Her twin brothers Greg and Carson had worked out how to turn on the bean’s computer and between the two of them had even managed to play one of the beans games. Laughing she thought about the last time the bean had come home. Watching from a hole in the wall she had seen him turn on the computer and go bright red as his game had come on the screen. The boys must have done terribly because he had jumped up and stalked about the room swearing “Bloody hackers, destroying my hours of work. *&^%$ how did they even get past my firewalls” He had spent at least 3 days glued to the machine trying to undo what they had done.

Melina had two favourite things to do when he was not home. He had these statues that he liked to paint, of warriors and monsters. This time while he was away, she had gotten up the courage to paint her own statue, the paintbrushes were small so easy for her to use and sometimes she would paint for hours. There was a little part of herself that hoped that he would like the work she had done even if he never told her directly. Her absolute favourite thing to do was to sit on the windowsill in his bedroom. She could see the whole world from the window and at night if she was feeling really brave, she would sneak up there with a pillow and blanket and fall asleep watching the moon and the twinkling stars in the deep indigo sky.

He was home now so life would change, they would go back to living in the shadows. Only coming out at night and living in fear of being seen. Melina hated this, sometimes she would look up at those stars and wish with all her might that she would change from a borrower to a bean. Then maybe, maybe her heart's desire would come true. You see Melina was 25yrs old, there were no borrowers her age to go courting with. If she was really honest with herself, she would admit that she wanted to be with her bean, but that was the ultimate betrayal of her emotions to want something that could never happen.

Swinging her legs over the side of the bed she put her feet into the cotton balls that she used for slippers. Stretching her toes, she stood her full 4inch of height. Her room was along the wall that had ventilation to the outside facing the garden. She had chosen this spot because she loved watching the animals play in the grass and often, she would watch her bean playing with his big shaggy friend. She smelled the fresh air and turned looking casually in the pocket mirror her daddy had borrowed for her. She fixed her dark brown hair up into a braid that curled around her head. Smiling as it made her 4 inches just that little bit taller.

She changed into her day dress and walked down the hall to the room they used for a kitchen. She had dawdled this morning and the image that greeted her told her she was late. Everyone was sitting around the dining table, which was a small Jar that Daddy and the boys had scavenged from my bean’s pantry. Mum had made a tablecloth out of a piece of cloth the boys had found by the computer; it was a perfect size and she always laughed at the image of a doggie on it and the words glasses cleaner underneath. She sat on her die seat and grabbed a grape.

A loud pitter-patter could be heard running alongside the wall and sniffing, everyone froze. Daddy put his finger to his mouth admonishing us to be silent. My stomach fluttered as I heard the deep rumbling of my bean “Kal what have you found?” the puppy yipped and continued to sniff at the wall. Fear and hope mingled as Melina heard footsteps come to a halt by our room, as we all stayed silent. My bean’s deep rumble was so close as he praised “Silly puppy, I can’t hear anything, but I might put out some mouse traps ok buddy? Good Job” as both sets of pitter patters and footfalls retreated, we collectively let out our breaths. “That was close” mummy breathed as she mopped her brow with her apron.

Daddy eyed the boys and me, a frown on his face “Looks like he bought his puppy with him so you will all have to be incredibly careful if you venture into the house. I would prefer that you did not go into the house while he’s here, he is never here long, but your adults……. Or at least close to it” he said looking at the twins who had just turned 18. I hated when daddy got strict, I’m an adult granted unmated but still, I should be able to make my own decisions. I glance at my brothers who seem to be also grumbling under their breath. Don’t get me wrong I love my mum and dad, but they are old fashioned, they have lived with the motto that Borrowers should never be seen. That we should be quiet, cautious, brave and inconspicuous. Greg spoke up for all of us, looking for agreement from Carson and myself before saying “ok dad”

I was frustrated, I had been so close to finishing my statue. Instead, I spent the day sitting by my vent writing. I liked writing I could escape into a fantasy world where my dreams could become realty rather than just a thought in my head. As the day sky became dark and the stars came out I itched to sit on my sill. My bean and his puppy should be asleep. After saying goodnight to my family I crept up the brickwork steps to the small hole I had made in the wall under his bedside table. It sat up against his window to provide a perfect way to get to the sill. As I peeked out into the room, I saw his puppy sleeping at the end of my beans bed. I watched for a good 15mins to make sure he was asleep.

The beautiful puppy was a huge black and white animal. Once she heard the tell-tale snore from the bear's mouth she breathed a sigh. She was surprised her bean had not seen her rope hanging from his bedside table it had been there now for the last few years and it never seemed to be found. Gaining her footing she made the steep climb up the side of the table. Reaching the top she paused, listening, watching, her adrenaline pumping so hard she could hear her heartbeat in her ears. She slowed her breathing and made the final climb to the sill.

Now she was this high she could see not only the world outside but she could see her bean. He was tucked up under the covers, only his face and his curly hair tussled into a mop on top of is head could be seen.

A gentle snore could be heard from his parted lip letting Melina know that he was in a deep sleep. She watched him for a while, she knew it was wrong but there was something comforting watching this gentle giant. Turning around she settled herself into the crook of the window from here she could see the stars and the moon as well as her bean. Again, she made her wish to the stars, her desire to be loved and to love, her desire for the one she could never have.

As she relaxed, she heard a small whimper coming from the bed. Her bean’s face scrunched up creasing his forehead as more whimpers made their way out of his mouth. Hoping to soothe rather than awaken she moved to the bedside table and hid behind the books he had stacked up ready to read. Softly at first, she began to sing a lilting lullaby. As she sang his whimpers settled down, she continued to sing until she could hear the gentle snore again. Moving back to the window she looked out to the night sky and whispered, “Goodnight Moon, Goodnight Stars watch over us tonight.” Then before she could fall asleep she made the long journey back to the safety of her bed.

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[misfitsluug]

| 4 | callmefitz

man i’m really out here at 1am, it’s kinda quirky doe. i plan on writing different stories besides just this one; also if you have any requests just ask! i don’t bite, i can write bbs, gbg, and goopcast so yeah ajevhwebfdjjw hopefully y’all enjoy this chapter! :)

/ carson. /

▕▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▏

余韻: linger.

stay in a place longer than necessary, typically because of a reluctance to leave.

eg: "I wanted to linger in his presence longer than this."

(t.w - minor drug mention.)

-

recap:

"We should get off this roof," Carson added, rubbing his head.

"Yeah, let's go," I helped Carson up and grabbed his cane from the ground along with mine and his backpack. Leaving the same way we came.

I hope this doesn't change anything.

-

I got home later than usual, knocking on the door painfully slow because I knew what was waiting for me behind this door. It's not like I can avoid this, I live here. "Carson," Cooper greeted me with an angry tone.

"Cooper," I replied, walking inside as I felt him softly shut the door. "Where were you, dude? I waited out there for ten minutes, I looked like a parent picking up their fifteen-year-old kid waiting there."

"At least I'm back, right?"

"That isn't the point Carson, you blind fuck, you could've-"

"Listen, you're my best friend but not my parents. I don't want you on my back all the time," I spat, the room filled with silence. "I'll be fine."

"No, no you won't because there are fucking bandages on your face and you smell like weed! Explain, now," Cooper retorted, on my way home I forgot that the roof thing happened. I didn't say anything. "Carson."

"Coopie, calm down. Maybe he tripped or something?" Travis countered, his hand on my shoulder as if he knew what I did. "He'll be okay, he's home now."

"Yeah, fine. You better fess up soon because seeing you like this isn't fun, Carson," Cooper replied, probably walking to his room.

"Carson, you gonna tell him or me?" Travis asked as he moved his hand away, I fiddled with my cane. "Fine, I was hanging out with a friend of mine and some fucking assholes attacked us, happy?"

"Oh, did you do something?"

"No, Travis, I'm blind."

"Hm, be careful next time, for Coopie's sake?"

"Yeah yeah, I'm going to my room," I slowly walked to my room, throwing my cane down and put on my pajamas and falling onto my bed. I could see the fuzzy moonlight entering my room, taking off my glasses which didn't change my vision at all, I just got used to wearing them. I couldn't sleep, I keep wishing that we could’ve gone anywhere but the rooftop. Maybe things would've been better.

Earlier that day.

"Now what?" Cameron inquired as to if I knew how to respond. I just shook my head no, I didn't feel like talking. "Listen, I'm-"

"Don't apologize, it already happened," I interrupted him which led to a long pause.

"I still feel guilty, is there something I can do?" He offered, his tone was almost hopeful. I squeezed my long cane, it was going to be a long walk home. "Do you have a car?"

"Yeah but it's kinda old. Might smell like weed."

"You could drive me home," I answered, walking off the school grounds and suddenly felt freer. Maybe because I was pelted to the ground earlier. "You didn't have to ask. Do you mind if I patch you up? You look not so good."

"I bet you look not so good either," I chuckled, taking a deep breath afterward. Cameron led me to his car and opened the door for me as I sat down, mentally praying he's a genuinely nice guy and not a creep. "Okay so, I have a first aid kit in here. Is-is it okay if I touch your face?"

"How else are you gonna do this?"

"Hah, you got me there," He confessed, I listened to him fumble with the kit as a click ran through the car. The only sounds were us breathing and him looking for whatever in the kit. "This might burn," Cam mumbled, I nodded and closed my eyes tightly, a wipe touched my cheek. I hissed slightly but let him tap the scratch lightly and place a bandaid after. "Why do you have a first aid kit in your car?"

"Just for moments like these," Cameron declared, tapping the scratches away with a wet wipe that smelled of rubbing alcohol. "So this has happened before?"

"Yeah, I have a couple of scars I guess."

"I'm sorry, they're such assholes. If I could, I'd poke them very hard with my cane."

"I appreciate you saying that. You're quite the chatty guy, aren't you?" Cameron said in a sarcastic tone and I smiled. "Of course, I'm surprised at how quickly you found out."

"I have my ways," His tone became softer, placing a third bandaid but his hand still on my cheek. "C-Cameron?"

"Yeah, I finished by the way," Cameron blurted, putting away different things into the kit as he threw it in the back. "Thank you, you didn't have to do that either."

"You let me, how could I not help a guy like you?" Cameron added, his car keys jingled as the car started, the clicks of our seatbelts being put on while he drove out the parking lot. "If you don't mind me asking, what am I like?"

"I can't tell you exactly since I haven't known you that long but I can tell you're a cu-nice guy."

"What were you gonna say?"

"Nothing, just my tongue slipped is all," Cameron explained with a giggle at the end. "What do you think of me?"

"I think you're weird and different and I like that," I announced but realized what I said. "I-I mean like, I like that you're weird and different you know? I think you're cool and stuff but I didn't mean it like that, you know, right?"

"Calm down, Carson. I understand what you're saying. I enjoy how different you are as well."

"Are you repeating what I said but better? You jerk, burn in a deep frier," I stated threateningly. We laughed a little bit.

"I just realized I have no fucking clue where I'm going, do you know where you live?" Cameron advised and I told him my address. "Okay, thank you. As much as I'd love to drive around with you, it's probably past your bedtime."

"You're probably right, God, Cooper's gonna fucking send me to the slaughter machine," I forewarned myself, nervously laughing at the end.

"Cooper? Is that another one of your little goons?"

"Oh yeah, he's like one of my best friends. He and his boyfriend live with me, it's pretty great. Do you have any roommates?"

"Yep, me and my best friend, Toby. She's a very sweet person," Cameron affirmed, tapping against the steering wheel to the beat of the music from the radio. "That's good Cam. Are we there yet?"

"Uhh, you said you lived in a complex called Crossing Sunset?"

"Yep, that's it," I agreed, the car turned and the speeding bumps underneath shook the car as he parked in the parking lot. From what I knew, the complex isn't that big and it's very quiet except for the dog that barks every single hour. "Can I walk you home?" Cameron offered, I nodded and grabbed my backpack along with my cane. I told Cam my apartment number and we took our time walking there. I crossed arms with him so he could lead me to my apartment, in reality, I just wanted to wrap my arm around his, I wanted to linger in his presence longer than this. "Are we ever gonna talk again after this?" I asked seriously, which led to a long pause from Cameron, making my stomach churn. "I don't know, I'll try and talk to you as much as possible. If I don't, it's because I'm busy."

"Doing what?"

"You know what," He reminded, then I remember the smell of weed in his car. I probably smell like weed.

"Hm, okay," I replied shortly, our conversation was silent until we found my apartment. "You should probably go, I don't want Cooper to see you."

"What do you mean? Are you embarrassed by me?"

"What? Let's not jump to conclusions, you know I don't mean it like that."

"It's fine. I was just messing around," Cameron assured but his tone became more serious. He let go of my arm. "I'll see to you soon."

"Yeah, when do you wanna meet up?" I stalled but I could tell he knew that so I gave up trying to make him stay. "Nevermind, you wanna go, right? I'll talk to you later, Cameron."

"See ya later buddy," Cameron left. I stood outside listening to his departing footsteps before opening the door.

Two days later.

"Carson, wakey wakey, baby boy," Cooper shook me awake, I groaned and threw my pillow at him. "Ow, bastard," Cooper laughed and hit me with the pillow. "Seriously bro, get up."

"I will in a moment-"

"No, you won't, c'mon grumpy headass. I'll be waiting for you, okay?"

"Fine, I'll be out soon," I muttered, listening to Cooper chuckle and close the door. I sat up and cracked my back prior to standing up. It's been a while since the roof incident and Cameron still hasn't said anything. I want to talk to him but he said:

"I'll try and talk to you as much as possible. If I don't, it's because I'm busy."

And that sentence has been stuck in my head ever since. It's stopping me from talking to a guy I actually like. Do I like him? Do I really like him like that? Maybe.

I was too sad and lazy to shower so I just put on my clothes, walking out my room with my stuff as Cooper and Travis' laughter fills the living room. I walk into the kitchen, opening the cabinet and reaching for a Cliff bar. Once I retrieved the bar, I dragged myself to Cooper, tapping my cane impatiently. "Hey, lemme talk to my boyfriend, headass," Cooper demanded so I let them talk for a while until I asked Travis for the time. "Oh uhm- guys, it's 12:14."

"Cool, we were supposed to leave an hour ago," I said whilst eating my Cliff bar.

"What the fuck? Carson get your ass up, we gotta go," Cooper spoke rushed as I stood up calmly, saying goodbye to Travis as Cooper shoved me out the door and led me to the car. "I told you we should've left earlier."

"Shut the fuck up Carson or I spin your jaw," Cooper threatened, starting the car and driving off, the car screeching as Cooper spun out the parking lot. "Jesus Cooper, calm down."

"No."

"Listen, I think I have a crush, Coop."

"Huh? Seriously, what's his name?"

"Cameron, I don't know if he's gay or straight though."

"Sounds gay if you ask me. Is he gonna be like Racc?"

"Oh, awesome. I'm glad we're talking about Racc now," I pointed out, rolling my eyes.

"Hey, it's just a question. We both remember Racc."

"And I'd rather forget him, moving on," I sighed, leaning against the car door.

"Fine, I'll just leave it at that. We're here," Cooper mentioned, stopping the car. I squeezed my cane, I knew that once Cooper said Racc that he isn't leaving my mind. "Alright, I'll talk to you later."

"I'm sorry, okay? About him, just go to class."

"I will," I said as I hopped out the car and shut the door, walking away and listening to his car zoom away.

"Carson, sup dude," Jschlatt greeted me, he sounded happy.

"Hey, Schlatt. You remember Racc, right?"

"Oh, yeah. Do you really wanna talk about this? What about Cameron, how's shit going with him, eh?" Jason changed the subject, I expected him to do that. So I told him about Cameron as we walked to our second class since I missed the first one; I told him how calm and nice Cam is, how he's been involved in some heavy stuff but I knew he'd be fine, how sweet he is and how genuine this guy is. "I stopped talking with him though, it's been two days," I added, walking into my classroom with Schlatt.

"You are so gay, aren't you?"

"I am so gay it worries me sometimes," I laughed and so did he, leaving class to go to a different one. The school found he'd been ditching different classes so now if he doesn't show up to his actual classes, he's potentially screwed. So, I sat down and thought about Racc.

Racc was my first partner, he was a nice guy. We met last year and dated for almost two years until he became distant and broke up with me for seeing another guy behind my back. It's still hard for me to get over him, we broke up a couple of months ago and I could feel him telling me to move on. It's what he told me to do when he broke up with me. I could hear him whisper it just the way he told me.

"Please, move on. I want you to be happy but you won't be happy if you don't let go."

I still haven't let go. "Hey," A sweet tone whispered beside me, I looked around until they tapped my right shoulder. I look to my right and they giggled. "Hi, you're Carson, right?"

"Y-Yeah, why?"

"I'm Toby, I'm sure Cam's told you about me," She mentioned, I remember him telling me about her. "Yeah, he has. Is he okay?"

"That's exactly-" The teacher shushed us before continuing her lesson. "That's exactly what I wanted to tell you, he's okay. But Swagger's keeping him busy for some reason, Swags still thinks Cam's apart of whatever Swagger has. Anyways, he misses you a lot, I'll help you talk to him again, don't worry. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

"Awesome, it was nice meeting you but I don't sit here so I gotta dip, bye!" Toby said quickly, she ran to the back of the room, her chair squeaked a bit as well. I sighed and let my brain process what was happening.

Who's Swagger?

=2477 WORDS=

[monicalorandavis]

MTV’s ‘The Challenge’ is still quite good

If you are a person in your early 30′s (like me) who grew up watching Carson Daly’s TRL and got AIM around your 11th birthday, you know ‘The Challenge’. You also know that Freddie Prinze Jr and Sarah Michelle Gellar are Hollywood’s stealthiest romantic success so please keep your voice down when you whisper their sweet names (they deserve our support). 

You might remember ‘The Challenge’ of yore, way back when it used to be called ‘The Real World Road Rules Challenge’. Oh how Veronica would yell at anyone! We had fun. And guess what? It’s still a good time. Even Veronica herself still pops up from time to time. She’s much older and out of shape but that’s the thing with aging reality stars, they’re just like us. Let the record state, I love my veteran players. But V just didn’t make the cut this season. It was a Veronica (and Shane!!!) free season. And you’re wondering if that left space for the realest ‘Challenge’ competitior of all time, the one, the only...Chris Tamburello aka CT aka dad-bod CT aka the highlight of the whole season. This season, though it didn’t look like it was going to, belonged to Chris Tamburello. But we’ll get there later. For now, let me sing the praises of this season’s ‘Challenge’ and drop some serious *spoilers*. Proceed with caution if the finale means anything to you.

First, a teensy bit of backstory. ‘The Challenge’ is in a very interesting global iteration that has really livened up the brand. Not like it needed livening up. I eat this shit up with a spoon. But, perhaps for the sake of international brand partnerships, it’s broadened its appeal and recruited some UK talent. Fine MTV, you might know a thing or two about business...

At any rate, it’s successfully brought in international reality stars and the show has been on an uphill climb ever since. For those of us British reality aficionado’s this has been a major win. While you’ll still gladly root on your longtime faves (Johnny Bananas, Wes, Jordan and yes, CT), you might be glad to see Theo from Love Island and Georgia from TOWIE fame. There are other international folks on the show who have no significance to me. But they make for interesting television (sometimes). For instance, Rogan’s slimy ass swindled his beefy thighs into a ‘Challenge’ final through sex appeal (and pathological lies) alone! You might argue that that sounds base and stupid and you’d be correct, sir. But what are you, the Queen of England? Why are you reading this blog?? Don’t you have a whole country to serve and more hats to buy??? Get out of here! Leave us commoners with our feeble minds (and bank accounts) alone!

I think the British contestants inspired a little British tangent there but the show does benefit from having the Brits on board. The set-up for the season was US v. England and it was not as tidy of a us versus them as you’d think. The man of the hour, CT himself got shafted and stuck on the British team from the beginning. It seemed like his weight gain and poor attitude had officially relegated him to a stud of the past. He was “dead weight” and Jordan and Paulie made the cutthroat (of many) decision to pass him over for eternal hothead, Turbo. Yes, his name is Turbo. He’s from Turkey and he’s hot. Deal with it.

That first decision by the US team to eschew loyalties and “trim the fat” set the tone for the shadiest season of all time. But the US had too many leaders and would corrode quickly. In the first episodes of the season, big time favorites Wes and Johnny Bananas got the boot. Cara and Paulie made for a weird Slytherin bid at alliance leadership and, unfortunately for everyone at home, succeeded in building the strongest team that crossed over party lines. They had swindled Rogan and his hair-brained buddy, Joss, into working for them and cutting the strongest players from the Brits’ team. All of that is well and good but it’s not actually the most interesting part of the game. The interesting part is the final episode and you have to dig through the weeks of broken promises and hook-ups to get there. And for a messy bitch like me, I’ll do it.

So fast forward, it’s the end. The US has a stupidly bloated team left of mediocre players that stayed true to the alliance and earned protection from being voted off. The Brits are Jordan, Tori (a now-engaged US defected pair) plus CT (early US cast-off), Rogan (slimeball) and Dee (Australian spineless could’ve been shero). The British team ended up being a weirdly streamlined and athletic powerhouse while the US quickly crumbled and Paulie started physically breaking down on the first lap of the final. It seriously felt as though all of his backstabbing shittiness crashed onto his shoulders and attacked his muscles. It was strange how fast he folded while everyone (even the very, very un-athletic slew of women he protected) looked on at him with growing contempt. Cara Maria, the world’s most annoying girlfriend, kept pleading for the team to wait up and let Paulie regain his will to live while Kam and Leroy (another romantic pair) made it their mission to push through. And let’s pause and discuss Leroy for one moment.

This was Leroy’s 11th season. He’s never won a final and wanted it so bad. He even patched things up with Kam as if to buoy him up spiritually. And yet, I hate to say it, we all knew this still wasn’t his year. He just doesn’t have it - the ego, ruthlessness, whatever you want to call it -  to win. He’s too kind, too good-natured for the show. All his pep talks and volunteering tired him out quick whereas Ninja’s sorry ass was full of vim and vigor in the last puzzle challenges. It never pays to play the nice game. Ever wonder why Ashley and Cara do so well? They’re heartless.

Which leads us to C motherfuckin’ T. Oh baby, I saved this for last and I’ll make it quick because I could go on and on about that boy (just like the blue of his eyes seem to go on and on like an ocean...) CT played a scared game up until the episode before the final. It was uncharacteristically tentative. It was as if his early rejection had scarred him. He wasn’t the same boisterous, and frankly, terrifying man we all remembered. But as the show progressed, and UK players kept getting cut, I wondered how much longer he’d be able to vote against his team. The writing was on the wall. The final was coming but nobody knew exactly when. The British team had been decimated. All of their best players were kicked off because they threatened the US’ odds at a sure win. So when players realized that the final had to be the next challenge, their true colors emerged. Jordan and Tori plead their case. They had defected to the UK team out of spite (Cara and Paulie really made it their mission to punish them in a weird, old-world Catholic vengeance king of way) and they were sick of losing. Plus, the US couldn’t protect all their alliance members. Somebody was going to be collateral damage, but who? As soon as it was final time, it would be team versus team, just as Jordan and Tori had suspected. It was time for CT to protect himself and vote with his team and against the alliance. And up until the last second, he pretended to be a loyalist. Then, at the final elimination he voted against Cara and Paulie and boy, were they mad. Even host TJ had his wig snatched. CT, ‘Challenge’ champ and Diem’s former beau (RIP), came through with a fabulous ‘et tu Brute’ moment and Julius Caesar himself would’ve been like, “Oh shit, son...you did that.”

You might assume, incorrectly, that I keep up with MTV’s other programming but I do not. I make a strict exception for ‘The Challenge’. You surely won’t catch any ‘Floribamashore’, ‘Catfish’ or ‘Wild ‘N’ Out’ viewing around my way. I have some modicum of class left from the last season of ‘Jersey Shore’ (because of course I watch the roommies!). I hate ‘Ridiculousness’. I tried ‘Are You The One’ and it has its moments but it’s just so sad and the people are so vulnerable and clingy, and quite clearly in need of therapy. So, ‘The Challenge’ is it for me. Say what you will. I regret nothing. CT forever. Paulie is whack. Johnny Bananas is a Republican.

Peace.

[criterioncollectionashaiku]

Criterion Collection as Haiku: Paris, Texas

I’ve seen over 250 movies in the Criterion Collection, and one of my all-time favorites has consistently been Wim Wenders’ 1984 film, Paris, Texas. The movie has popped up twice this week in very unexpected ways: once last night at a dinner with friends, and also on Reddit’s Criterion page, where someone linked to an essay by Nicky Smith called “The Emotional Terrorism of Paris, Texas.” Smith HATES Paris, Texas, and I’ll explain why shortly. Her essay has definitely changed the way I’ve thought about the world within the movie, but I’m here today to provide a different read — one that explains why I’ve loved it all these years.

Needless to say, major spoilers ahead. If you’ve never seen Paris, Texas and would like to view it tabula rasa, then stop reading and come back after you’ve had a chance to watch and digest it.

First, let’s start with a quick plot summary: The movie opens with Travis (played by Harry Dean Stanton) walking through a desert. He’s dressed in a dusty suit, a red cap, and an unkempt beard. We come to learn that Travis has been missing for four years. No one has heard from or seen him until, one day, his brother, Walt (Dean Stockwell), gets a call that Travis is at a doctor’s office in a remote part of Texas. Walt and his wife Anne (Aurore Clément) live in California, but upon hearing the news of his brother, Walt immediately drives to Texas. By the time he arrives, Travis has left the medical office and is roaming the desert once again. Walt searches aimlessly for Travis and eventually finds his brother.

Walt is full of questions, but Travis remains mostly silent. The two eventually make it back to Los Angeles, where Travis is reunited with his now seven-year-old son, Hunter (Hunter Carson), who for the past four years was raised by Walt and Anne. Hunter’s mom/Travis’ ex, Jane (Nastassja Kinski), left Hunter in Walt and Anne’s custody shortly after Travis left, and she’s had limited communication with Anne since then.

The first half of the movie is about Travis’ return to humanity — learning to reconnect with his son and brother and sister-in-law. He slowly becomes more communicative, although he’s largely silent on what happened between him and Jane.

The second half of the movie begins when Anne tells Travis that she thinks she knows where Jane is. For a year now, Jane has been making monthly deposits in a bank account under Hunter’s name that she asked Anne to open for her. These deposits always happen on the 5th of the month, and they’re always at a bank in Houston. Travis asks what day it is, and Anne says it’s the 1st of November.

Travis is determined to find Jane. When he tells Hunter this, Hunter says he wants to come along, too. Even though Travis knows Walt and Anne wouldn’t approve, he picks Hunter up from school and the two drive to Houston to find Jane.

They spot her at the bank Anne mentioned and follow her to a peep show club. Travis leaves Hunter in the car, then goes into the club to confirm that Jane does, indeed, work there. The next day he leaves Hunter in a hotel room and goes to the club for the climactic scene between Travis and Jane. Because it’s a peep show, the glass in the room is one-way: Travis, as the customer, can see Jane, but Jane can’t see Travis. All communications is done through a telephone on Travis’ side of the mirror and an intercom on Jane’s side. Travis tells a story in the third-person that’s actually their story: a story of a man and a woman in love, but the guy gets jealous and possessive. One day the woman says she’s pregnant, and things are okay for a while, but then once the baby is born the mother has postpartum depression, and the two start fighting more and more. The guy starts drinking and becoming abusive; the breaking point is one night when he catches the woman trying to escape, and he ties her to the stove. He goes back to sleep and wakes up to their trailer engulfed in flames, the woman and the son gone.

At this point, the conversation flips. Travis shines the light in his face so that Jane can see him, but he can’t see her. She has a monologue about how she couldn’t care for Hunter by herself, that she had an emptiness inside her. And even though she loved Hunter, it hurt to talk to Anne about the boy, so Jane stopped calling. She also played out conversations in her mind between herself and Travis, all the things she’d say, but since Travis disappeared she eventually moved on. Travis tells Jane where Hunter is, and the movie ends with Jane and Hunter embracing while Travis watches them from the top of a parking garage across the street before he drives off into the night.

Whew. Okay, so that summary was a little bit longer than I expected. But I wanted to lay out some of the key points that I’ll get to in a bit. Before that, let me summarize Nicky Smith’s argument about why she hates Paris, Texas. Her critique is with the second half of the movie, when Travis kidnaps Hunter to go to Texas. The crux of the matter is that we don’t ever see Walt and Anne again, and thus we don’t witness the deeply hurtful emotional turmoil they’re going through. Moreover, the climactic scene between Travis and Jane, Smith argues, is problematic. “What’s criminal and irresponsible,” she writes, “is shown as heart-warming and fun.” She views Travis’ monologue as valorization of his actions, completely whitewashing his atrocious behavior.

I have a very different read on these points. Because for me, what I love about Paris, Texas, is the structural reversal of traditional story arcs. This is not a redemption story. We don’t start with a character we dislike whom we grow to like (or at least empathize with). The example I’m thinking of here is Citizen Kane, a movie I absolutely hated when I saw it in high school. I couldn’t get over how much of an asshole Orson Welles’ character, Charles Foster Kane, was. But I rewatched it maybe five or six years ago and had a slightly different take. I still think Kane is a piece of shit, yet isn’t the whole “twist” that Rosebud is his childhood sled supposed to be humanizing? It’s an element to make him appear more gentle, to get us to feel for this horribly despicable character.

Paris, Texas does the opposite. Here, we start with an inherently relatable character. Casting Harry Dean Stanton as Travis was a genius move, because Staton’s face — especially when rugged and sunburned — is one that conveys sadness. He seems so gentle and quiet, so hurt and broken that we, as the audience, are drawn to him. The film’s grammar tells us that Travis is our protagonist, and by virtue of being the protagonist we give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s a Good Guy.

But this isn’t true at all — Travis is horrible. He’s abusive and emotionally manipulative, as we learn in the scene between him and Jane. I don’t view Travis’ monologue as in any way valorizing his actions or whitewashing over them. Instead, this is a deeply affecting moment of reckoning — not of Jane to Travis (who has had plenty of time to do so already), but of the viewer to Travis. We have to come to terms that this person we’ve followed for the past two hours was (is?) a monster. This isn’t redemption because the movie never full exonerates Travis. I had to put the “is?” in parentheses a sentence ago because I’m not sure myself how much Travis has changed. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he hasn’t fully earned it.

Take Smith’s example of kidnapping. That is, indeed, a supremely fucked up thing Travis does. I’m not going to try to excuse that behavior, but I do think Travis’ actions aren’t quite as nefarious as Smith depicts. In the scene when Travis and Hunter are driving after Hunter cuts out of school early, Hunter says he wants to come along to find Jane. Travis responds, “What about Walt and Anne?” because he’s aware of how this is going to affect them.

A few hours later, when they’ve reached San Bernardino, Travis has Hunter call Walt and Anne from a payphone. And here’s where we DO see Walt and Anne’s emotional turmoil. Walt is borderline angry at Hunter for not being home yet, and once they find out Travis is taking Hunter to Texas, Anne sobs. This is the last time we see them in the movie, and I argue that it’s the perfect way to hint at their devastation without turning it into a melodrama. Immediately after the call, Travis reiterates that Hunter can go home any time he wants — just say the word, and they’ll turn around.

The subsequent scenes of Travis and Hunter making their way to Texas aren’t some feel-good buddy road movie — at least not in my opinion. Most of their travel is in darkness, notably how they have to sleep in a laundromat because Travis can’t afford (or doesn’t choose to make?) a hotel reservation. This is foreshadowing of Travis’ more reckless side, the part of him we’ll soon learn when he talks with Jane.

Also, returning to Anne and Walt for a second: the fact that the road trip sequence follows the call from the payphone highlights their absence rather than disregards it, at least to me. The way a musical motif can establish a mood for a scene, Walt and Anne’s distraught conversation hangs over the subsequent scenes like an air of discord.

As I said before, one of my favorite parts of Paris, Texas is the structural reversals. I’ve already mentioned Travis’ arc from sympathetic to unsympathetic, but I’d like to point out a couple more. First, Jane. Our view of her changes as the movie progresses, one that’s an inverse of Travis’: I think the movie tries to get you to dislike her from the beginning, only to side with her in the end. Although both Travis and Jane are absent parents, I feel like there’s more tacit blame placed on Jane. One example is during a scene when Walt projects home movies onto a screen. Here we see Travis and Jane and Hunter on a trip to the beach with Anne and Walter. Everyone appears happy, the way we’re told to smile for photographs. Of course, knowing what we know of Travis by the end of the film, this is more Jane pretending that everything is calm and good. However, upon a first viewing, when seen through Travis’ eyes, here we see a woman who has left her family and continues to be missing. How could she be so cold-hearted???

But of course she’s not cold-hearted. She’s anything but. Jane cares so deeply for Hunter that it hurts her too much to hear about his growth and development during those conversations with Anne on the phone. She’s flawed, too, of course, which is what I love about this movie — no one is perfect. Everyone is complicated. But here, in the case of Jane, we grow to empathize with her the more we learn about her story. As our opinion of Travis diminishes, our view of Jane seesaws upward. She is a survivor of domestic abuse and a mother who never really got to raise her son because she thought she was doing what was best for Hunter.

And here’s another one of those narrative reversals: while most stories clunkily reveal exposition at the beginning of the movie, here the exposition is crammed into the last 20 minutes. We learn more about these characters in the end than we do in the whole two hours prior. In that way, the exposition becomes a twist — and not a gotcha twist like The Sixth Sense, but a genuinely disconcerting and unsettling twist.

Okay, one last example, and it has to do with Travis. If the expected narrative arc is for a character to go from being lost to being found, this film does the opposite: it opens with Travis being found and ends with him lost, adrift in the night.

There are so many reasons I love Paris, Texas. The dialogue is honest, funny, raw. The cinematography is gorgeous — all the colors! Ry Cooder’s slide guitar score is unique and fitting. The acting is phenomenal (aside from Hunter, who is wooden, but he’s a child, so I’m not holding it against him). However, one aspect that I don’t think gets discussed enough is Paris, Texas’ narrative structural elements. There’s a lot to appreciate on the surface of this movie, but it should be no surprise — especially given the subject matter — that there’s way more going on underneath.

One-way glass prisms prisons of their past, pent-up penitence roamed free.

[whencallstheheart]

What are your favorite moments from season 6?

See all the responses below the cut.

Elizabeth asking Bill to be Baby Jack’s godfather

Rosemary and Lee moments...Jesse and Clara stuff...all the Henry plotlines... Elizabeth getting to hang with other characters apart from Abigail !

All

Favorite moments would include conversations between Lee and Rosemary about their ability to have a baby, Elizabeth’s conversation with Henry after the mining note was discovered, and scenes related to the entry of the telephone into Hope Valley.

When Lori was still good in the show

Henry/Abigail. Lee/Rosemary. Allie

Lee being proud of Rosie not spilling the tea about Faith + Carson. (And the kiss of course) :-)

Nathan telling Elizabeth the founders would be proud and Allie’s expression afterwards.

The strong man contest that Carson won.

Pretty much all scenes that we now get to see more of the characters interacting that never did before.

Rosemary and Lee’s baby conversation

The show flows really greatknow that lori is gone. I enjoy Elizabeth being strong as a mother. I love Elizabeth and Lucas charming scenes together and lee and rosemary are so amazing together.

Baby Jack, Lee and rosemary , Lucas, new saloon looks great

When the doctor won the game instead of Lucas and Nathan.

I love the fresh face of Lucas. I think he brings mystery and a lot of charm to the show and his Chemistry with Elizabeth is beautiful . I also enjoy Fiana's new style. And energy she brings to the town

everything fiona, rosemary being sad as opposed to hyper all the time (nice change of pace), i love nathan's niece. and i'm quite intrigued by lucas

The scene in the finale with the guys trying to win the fishing pole for Alie.

All the kids - they are so adorable and should have more screentime! Baby Jack has more potential than I expected - he should be fun to watch as toddler.

Elizabeth moving on with life. She was growing intolerable the last two seasons, even while Jack was alive. I'm happy to see her pulling herself up by her bootstraps and getting on with life.

Lee and Rosemary were terrific as always.

Lori leaving was honestly the best thing to happen to this show. It's so refreshing to see other characters on screen.

Just about anything with Elizabeth and baby jack

Faith and Carson finally taking the plunge.

I really enjoyed moments with Elizabeth and baby Jack. The talks between rosemary and lee

Fiona is so much fun and adds something to every scene she's in. :D

Anything Lee and Rosemary!

Henry and Abigail want it to happen season 6

Lori Loughlin being gone and other characters getting more attention since she was a screen hog.

Writing is so much better.  Love that we are getting to know ALL of the characters.

Florence getting more depth when she got a job, Nathan’s niece being jnrkduced, Jesse and Clara engaged.

Jesse clara proposal

Rosemary lee talks

Bill being asked to be godfather

Julie coming back

Tying in of old storylines for once it felt a little more cohesive

Clara and Jesse scenes

Anything with Henry. And I ended up liking Elizabeth & Baby Jack a lot more than I was expecting to.

All the Lee and Rosemary scenes

Épisode 6

Lucas giving Elizabeth the library.

Learning that Henry tried to get the safety of the mine inspected.

Jesse staying at his job with Lee.

Rosemary & Lee talking about their inability to conceive.

all

All the Carson and Faith moments

What I remember really liking was Lucas and Elizabeth being held hostage, and Nathan coming to the rescue. I overall liked the episode a lot

My favorite moment was when Elizabeth introduced herself to Nathan. Was really tasteful and nice.

Lee/Rosemary discussing the baby situation

The conversation with Elizabeth and Lucas when he quotes the book to her.

Elizabeth asking Lee/Rosemary to be Jack's guardians, Jesse/Clara proposal.

Christmas episode

Allie

when jesse decides to stay loyal to lee

I enjoyed every moment after Lorigail was fired. It's so much better of a show. I think what surprised me most is that I love Faith and Carson together. I enjoyed everything about Fiona, Nathan, and Lucas as well. Julie coming back was great, too.

My favorite moment was definitely in the finale with the look Elizabeth and Nathan gave each other at the very end of the show. It was like she wanted to say something to him. There was definitely a spark between them.

Henry and Bill scene in the finale.

My favorite moment was when Baby Jack put his hand on Bill’s shoulder. When Elizabeth asked Bill to be the Godfather and when Bill and Lee were watching Baby Jack.

Lee and Rosemary's talk in ep 7

the strength game and, honestly, the break that took away Abigail. i hate it happened, but I enjoyed the rest of the season so much more!

Henry

Jese and Clara discover the oil. Beautiful hug.

Carson and Faith romance and finding out Henry did try to address safety in the mine.

Anything with Henry or Nathan

Everything Elizabeth and baby Jack.

Henry redemption

Nathan and Allie

Introduction of new characters

The carnival

Henry and Elizabeth’s conversation and Lee and Rosemary’s conversation about having children.  These added substance to the show.

Basically any moment with unusual friends paired: Lee/Bill, Elizabeth/Bill, Fiona/Clara, Lee/Jesse.

Plus, of course any Lee/Rosemary moment.

adding new characters

not seeing Lori

When Elizabeth Met Lucas

Aside from Abigail Stanton leaving (a true highlight! sad to hear about the issues with Lori Loughlin, but not sad to have her character leave WCTH), the best moments are every scene with Lee and Rosemary.

Nathan and Lucas’s scenes together, the Lee and Rosemary wanting a child plot, Elizabeth’s brief stint as an action heroine

The carnival

lee and rosemary's storyline

Nathan and Elisabeth talki'g about Allie's difficulties to make Friends.

I enjoy Nathan’s niece. Would like to see more Fiona interact with the town. I really liked the phone coming to the town.

Undecided

Faith and  Carson scenes, Henry's arc and Lee and Rosemary. Glad to see the characters get to shine!

Rosemary and lee conversations

The carnival; it was sweet when Carson won Allie the fishing pole.

All scenes with Henry in them!

I liked the library stuff, the baby moments, the Coulter's storyline, the founder's day festival.

\- The new library being built.

- Fiona and Lucas being added to the cast list.

- Henry beginning to move forward from the past.

None.very boring show.m

All of the Elizabeth and Lucas scenes

Rosemary and Lee at the Ladies Choice- so cute!!!

Also Lucas quoting classic literature- I want more of that!

Henry being redeemed. Bill and Lee watching baby Jack.

I loved Henry. His scenes were always pretty amazing. I love all of Nathan & Elizabeth's scene because most of them feel so genuine, natural, and real.

Elizabeth and Rosemary's girls' night, Lee/Rosemary + kids storyline, moments when the whole town interacts like with the library and festival, Julie being baby Jack's godmother, Lucas in general

Elizabeth and Rosemary  girls night, Rosemary and Lee scenes, Elizabeth and Lucas in the library when he was quoting the book, Elizabeth and Henry finale scene.

The writers did a fantastic Job re-tooling and I enjoyed all do season 6.  That being said, I loved it when Elizabeth asked Bill to be Baby Jack’s godfather, and his Baptism.  Also when she asked Rosemary and Lee to be his guardians.

The Lee and Rosemary moments

Baby Jack being born

Faith and Carson romance

Rosemary and Lee anytime they were on the screen

Elizabeth meeting Nathan

Anything with Lee & Rosemary

I really liked how they spent a good amount of time with each character/ couple rather than spending the whole hour focusing on Elizabeth/ Abigail. I lost motivation to watch the show during seasons 4-5 because the storylines weren’t interesting or exciting to me, but this season was really enjoyable to watch. Can’t wait for season 7!

Bill being asked to be godfather.

Henry striking oil.

The part where they took Lorigail out. :P

Lee and Rosie's conversation about getting through things together.

When Elizabeth is mad at Lucas for teaching a card trick to Allie.  The boys trying to win the fishing pole for Allie. Henry and Abigail at the Queen of the Heart opening dance.

Lori's exit. It was the best thing that could have ever happened to the show.

Finale

Elizabeth and baby jack

Hickam running through town covered in oil. Elizabeth talking to Henry.

Lee and Rosemary storyline

Everything Lee and Rosemary especially the infertility plot

All of Lee and Rosemary!

[harperthejay]

Writober 1.1 - “Candy”

Alright, I’ll be the first to admit that the prompt is pretty loosely mentioned in the actual writing. It was supposed to be about a guy who bought some valentine candy and then dropped it at someone’s feet on accident, and they hit it off, but ... well, sometimes when you start writing, you lose control of where things are going. I didn’t really know where Andrew’s tipsy walk home would take him, and it turns out it took him right to - well, you’ll see soon enough. It should also be noted that this prompt was for a few days ago, and while I did write MOST of it then, I have been touching it up since and just finished. @writerofwriting

Chocolate and Pipe Tobacco

Andrew Carson’s month was going, in a word, terrible. February 14th was right around the corner, and the light of his life, the one he loved with all of his heart, had left the city. Left the country, in fact! “A higher calling,” Caroline had called it. Andrew called it “missionaries stole my fianceé”. That was one of their many differing beliefs: Caroline believed a divine hand placed purpose into every moment; Andrew believed moments only had the purpose you gave them. And the moments he gave her apparently weren’t enough.

He couldn’t be mad at her. Not really. Regardless of the reason, she was building homes for needy children. Or hospitals, or something. Her messages started blurring together after the text she sent last week: “im so sorry andy but ive been accpeted for the mission trip”. He ran that text through his mind over and over again, word for word, and after a week of dwelling, he had gone from shock and disbelief to sadness to anger.

“I mean, how hard is it to spell ‘accepted’ right?!” he asked the bartender as she popped the cap off of another cider. “It literally shows you how to spell the word on your phone. It’s harder to spell it wrong, for fuck’s sake.” He took a swig from the bottle, letting the tangy pumpkin flavor distract his thoughts for a moment.

“It could have been worse, Aaron,” the bartender offered in response. “She could have left a post-it note or something.” She gave a slow shrug.

Andrew blinked. “Uh. Yeah. I mean.. I guess? It’s Andrew, by the-” The bartender had already moved to the next customer, leaving him alone to watch the hockey game above the bar in uncomfortable silence.

A few minutes passed, then an hour, and the game was over. His team had lost, which seemed to be a pretty good bookend to his Saturday, so he paid his tab and stood up with a slight wobble in his step. “Later,” he said as he waved lazily to the bartender, who hadn’t noticed Andrew stand up. The bell above the doorway jingled in an annoyingly upbeat way that made him want to rip it out of its goddamn place and throw it into the fucking road, but he reasoned that was the ciders talking, and it might not be a good plan.

Home was about a mile away, and a walk sounded like a good way to clear his mind. Ten minutes later the wind picked up, stinging his face with the light bits of mist that had been merely annoying until then. He grimaced accusingly at the sky and then ducked into an alleyway and leaned against the brick wall of a failing restaurant to take temporary solace from the weather. He rubbed his hands together briskly, breathing into them for warmth.

“Where the hell’d this wind come from?” Andrew jumped at the sudden sound of the voice coming from across the alley. He hadn’t noticed anybody when he walked in, but if he was being honest with himself, he wasn’t paying much attention. “Oh. Um. Yeah. It sucks.”

The stranger chuckled and nodded, smiling and looking out at the street. He stared at the cars for a few moments before turning his attention back toward Andrew. “At least it isn’t raining, right?”

“Yeah, I guess.” He despised small talk, and though he wasn’t going for rudeness, the ciders in his belly left him ill-equipped for tact.

“I’m Barry.” The stranger pulled a hand out of his wool coat’s pocket to give a small wave. His other hand pulled out a fun-size chocolate bar, already unwrapped, and he took a bite. “Andrew,” Andrew nodded in reply.

“Good to meet you, Andrew.” Barry continued to smile as he ate the second half of the candy bar. “Milky Way?”

“No, thanks,” Andrew said, then he shook his head a moment later as his stomach gave a small grumble. “Actually, yeah, that’d be cool.” He held his hand out to take an offered Milky Way from Barry, unwrapped it, and shoved it into his mouth, letting out an audible groan of satisfaction as he chewed.

Barry laughed and nodded appreciatively. “Exactly how I feel about them.” Suddenly, the sound of the wind died down, and all they could hear was the passing of cars on the street. “Looks like it’s clearing up. You gonna get home alright, Andy?”

Andrew shuddered and tried to push a frown off of his face. “Andrew,” he said sternly. “And yeah, I’ll be fine.”

“Sorry. Andrew. You heading that way?” Barry motioned with his thumb the direction Andrew had been walking, and Andrew nodded. “Me too. You mind if I tag along? I’ve just got a few more blocks.”

With a shrug and a sigh, Andrew pushed off of the wall and began walking. “Yeah, I guess.” After a few steps that were a bit more confident than they should have been, he stumbled, and Barry caught him gently by the shoulders.

“Whoa, you alright, Andy- er, Andrew?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m ..” He sighed and then laughed. His cheeks were beginning to flush bright red, a combination of the alcohol, the wind, and the embarrassment. “I guess the ciders hit me a little harder than I thought they did.”

“No problem, man. Let’s get you home.” Barry grinned and nodded, a steadying arm moving around Andrew’s shoulders as they walked down the sidewalk. A bit more small talk commenced, and Andrew had to admit that he didn’t hate it as much as he wanted to. Barry was easy to talk to, he found, and funny, to boot. Both qualities were welcomed, given his bad mood.

Another fifteen minutes passed (the rest of the walk should have only taken about ten, but tipsy stumbling slowed the pair down a bit), and Andrew held his hand up. “Wait, whoa, hang on.” He shot a look over his shoulder, then laughed aloud, his face still beet red. “That’s me, back there.” He motioned vaguely at the apartment they’d just passed, and they turned back toward it. “Thanks. This was .. I mean, I had a good time. A good walk.” He shook his head. “Whatever. It was good to meet you, Barry.”

“You too, Andrew.” Barry’s smile was warm and genuine, and Andrew found himself staring at his eyes. They were dark, dark blue, darker than he’d seen before, and he swore for a moment he could see glittering flecks of silver-white in them. He leaned forward to inspect closer, and was surprised when he felt Barry’s lips pressing against his.

They were soft, softer than he had thought a man’s could be, and that was the first surprise. He was cleanly shaven as well, like silk, and Andrew could feel his own stubbled face rub against smooth skin. There was a taste of chocolate and pipe tobacco on his breath that he didn’t find unpleasant. His eyes, widened in shock, adjusted to the situation, and finally closed lazily as he leaned his body against Barry’s, hands moving to rest on his waist. He felt a warm, gentle tongue trace slowly over his lips, and heard an unwitting whimper from himself. Just then, as he pressed himself against Barry’s hip, they parted, Barry’s hand coming up to cup his cheek gently. His palm felt just a touch clammy, though Andrew didn’t mind, and without realizing, he nuzzled against the touch.

“You’d better get inside and get some rest, Andy.”

Andrew almost protested the nickname, but something about the way it was said, sultry and kind and erotic, made him not mind as much. “That was ..”

“Unexpected?” Barry smirked and raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah.” Andrew cleared his throat, catching another whimper in his throat before it escaped. “I didn’t ..” He shook his head, feeling like his whole body might spontaneously burst into flames. He also became acutely and embarrassingly aware of his excitement, which he felt pressing into Barry’s hip. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Barry leaned forward and gave a gentle, quick rub of his nose against Andrew’s, his chocolate-and-tobacco breath warm against Andrew’s lips. “Get some rest.”

In a daze, Andrew turned toward the door. He fumbled with his keys and finally got it open. As soon as he’d stepped inside, he turned around. “Wait, I didn’t get your -” There was nobody there. A panging sense of disappointment washed over him as he closed the door and slumped on to the couch. He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket, and something came out with it; a matchbook. On the back, in ballpoint pen, was written, “Lovely to meet you, Andy. 555-0777 ~ Baraqiel (Barry)”.

He sounded the name out slowly, “Ba-ra-qi-el,” and he nodded with the smirk of a boy with a crush. “Beautiful.” Before long, his eyes closed, and scenes of dancing among the stars and angelic kisses filled his dreams.

[aion-rsa]

Conan: Ranking the Best Remote Segments

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WarnerMedia announced on Tuesday that Conan O’Brien’s long-running TBS talk show, Conan, would be coming to an end next summer. Thankfully, however, the late night pioneer isn’t leaving television altogether – just trading the network world for the streaming one. In addition to his Conan Without Borders travel series already airing on TBS, O’Brien will produce a new weekly variety show for WarnerMedia’s streaming platform, HBO Max, to premiere at a yet-to-be announced date. 

“In 1993 Johnny Carson gave me the best advice of my career: ‘As soon as possible, get to a streaming platform,’” O’Brien said in a statement. “I’m thrilled that I get to continue doing whatever the hell it is I do on HBO Max, and I look forward to a free subscription.”

At first glance, this appears to be bittersweet news. O’Brien has been a late night talk show staple for decades. Following an excellent writing career for The Simpsons and Saturday Night Live, O’Brien took over for his hero David Letterman on NBC’s Late Night in 1993 and stewarded it through 2009. That was followed by a measly half-year as host of the venerable Tonight Show before NBC got spooked about not having Jay Leno on TV anymore. For the past 10 years, O’Brien has continued his late night talk show format for TBS’s Conan. 

Though it’s sad to lose O’Brien as a late night talk show titan, the reality is that the comedian was never much of a talk show host to begin with. That’s not to say that he wasn’t good at the job, because he was. But it’s always been evidently clear that O’Brien succeeds the most when not tied to the restrictive talk show format. This is something that the host himself has increasingly realized over the years, cutting out an interview segment slot from Conan to bring the running time down to a breezy 30 minutes, and producing the acclaimed Conan Without Borders series to capitalize on his already popular remote travel segments

The best comedy that O’Brien has throughout his impressive run has very rarely been delivered in-studio. Every time O’Brien left the confines of his desk, whether it be for Late Night, The Tonight Show, or Conan, viewers could be confident that they were about to witness something truly hilarious. The longtime comedy writer quite simply thrives being out “in the wild.” There he is able to put his gangly comedic physicality to use and truly relish his ability to make people uncomfortable.

In honor of O’Brien finally making the long-awaited jump back to variety comedy, we’ve gathered together our 10 favorite remote segments the comedian has ever done. The only qualifications here are that the bits have to have occurred on one of his three major shows and they have to feature him away from his studio. Also, we won’t be counting any official Conan Without Borders entries as that is a distinct entity and would muddy the waters too much.

Without further ado…

Honorable Mention – Triumph the Insult Comic Dog Attends the Premiere of “Star Wars: Attack Of The Clones”

(Original airdate: 5/17/2002)

Sadly, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog is not Conan O’Brien and therefore cannot appear on this list of Conan’s best remote segments. But it would feel unfair not to take time to highlight Late Night with Conan O’Brien’s other remote segment superstar. As created by SNL’s Robert Smigel, Triumph is a Eastern European-accented, cigar-chomping insult comic…who also just happens to be a dog puppet. Triumph’s trips outside the studio are almost always hilarious, but the rude canine hits an absolute comedic high with his trip to the Attack of the Clones premiere. Perhaps the most amazing thing in that clip isn’t the numerous cutting, hilarious, and utterly cruel nerd jokes, but how rapturously the audience responds at the beginning upon learning that Triumph is the correspondent Conan sent to the premiere.

10. Conan’s Trip to Ireland

(Original airdate: 3/17/1999)

Here, as far back as the 20th Century (before “the year two-thousaaaanddd”) we can see Conan began to realize how much fun he, and his audience by extension, had when he hits the road. Sending a red-haired individual named Conan O’Brien to Ireland is about as easy a slam dunk that a late night comedy writer can find. There’s a lot to love here, but nothing will top the photoshopped portraits of all of Conan’s ancestors. 

9. Conan Delivers Chinese Food in NYC

(Original airdate: 11/1/2011)

Late in 2011, just under a year after Conan premiered, Conan returned to New York City where he had spent his Late Night tenure to film a week’s worth of shows. And what better way to ring in the return than with a stellar remote segment? In this bit, Conan serves as an inept delivery boy for Manhattan Chinese restaurant King Wok. It’s apparent early on just how excited he is to be back in New York when he’s already purring at one of the employees 10 seconds in. Conan gets the full New York experience in this, from one standoffish deliveree angrily denying that he’s her delivery guy to him being served Argentinian tea from a beautiful woman leaning out her window. The citizens of New York City are often Conan’s best comedic collaborators and they show why once again here.

8. Conan Goes to Trucking School

(Original airdate: 7/18/1997)

“Conan Goes to Trucking School” benefits from having the thinnest of setups. Conan wants to be a truck driver. Why? Well, who cares, the Jersey Truck Driving School is up for it and we’ve got some time to kill. Into that conceptual vacuum steps Conan just having the time of his life. You know you’re in for a good remote segment when Conan and a trucker he just met are singing a country song less than two minutes in. 

7. Conan Tries to Sell His Ford Taurus 

(Original airdate: 5/6/2004)

Conan O’Brien’s reviled puke green 1992 Ford Taurus is one of Late Night’s most enduring non-human characters (right up there with the Masturbating Bear). This segment serves as the first time we get to see the damnable machine in the chrome and it doesn’t disappoint. “Conan Tries to Sell His Ford Taurus” is among the best Conan remotes ever because it’s pretty clear that Conan actually loves the stupid thing. Of course he’s joking when he says things like “the wolf is on the prowl” or calls his stick shift the “Cone Bone”, but he doesn’t have to fake much pain when car experts give in an assessment in the $1800-3000 range. 

6. Conan Visits The American Girl Store

(Original airdate: 12/18/2013)

“Conan Visits The American Girl Store” is perhaps the best argument you can find for giving Conan O’Brien alcohol and putting him on television. The first half of this bit is undoubtedly solid as Conan plays up the creepiness of him visiting a store designed for young girls. But things really take off when he finally chooses his doll (Potential Nazi war criminal Agnes Schweitzhoffer) and settles in for dinner in the American Girl Store’s shockingly lush dining room. As the chardonnay goes down, Conan (and Agnes by extension) are increasingly unable to hide their annoyance at the garçon and all his stupid riddles. 

5. Conan Goes to Houston to Find Viewers

(Original air date: 5/1/1997)

In the first few years of Late Night with Conan O’Brien’s run, Conan and his team of writers had plenty of fun with how little people seemed to enjoy their dumb show. This segment takes that concept to its extreme. When Conan discovers that the Houston television market doesn’t air Late Night until 2:40 a.m. local time, he takes a camera team to Texas to find some fans after hours. The journey takes him from a bail bonds office, to a hotel basement, to an emergency room, and all the way to a bus terminal at 3:21 a.m. where he meets a man who is decidedly not a fan. “I was just almost murdered,” Conan says as he sits down for comedic effect…but also probably to catch his breath. 

4. Ice Cube, Kevin Hart, and Conan Share a Lyft Car

(Original airdate: 12/10/2013)

The apparent success of Conan’s remote segments can be charted over the years by the level of talent that wants to get in on them. In this segment, Ice Cube and Kevin Hart are unambiguously big gets. And instead of any studio nonsense, they were more than happy in 2013 to check out this strange new service known as…Lyft? Are we pronouncing that right? Something about getting Conan, Cube, Kevin, and their Lyft driver Anthony in an enclosed space brings out the madness in them all. Hart and Ice Cube have a blast trying to turn Anthony against the gangly Conan as he runs into 7/11 to get everyone swisher sweets and a DVD of Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Highlights here include Conan’s absurdly burdensome beatboxing and Kevin yelling “I’ll cut his shins off!” to Anthony’s friend over the phone. 

3. Conan Plays Old-Timey Baseball

(Original airdate: 6/25/2004)

When Conan signed off of Late Night for what would be an unexpectedly brief Tonight Show tenure, he brought back this 2004 skit as an example of the kind of absurdist humor he felt the show did best. And it’s clear to see why. Conan’s trip to Old Bethpage Village Restoration where reenactors play old-timey baseball is in many ways the goofy platonic ideal of a Conan segment. The absurdity of the premise is funny enough as is, and then Conan’s buy-in only enhances the proceedings. “What is that demonry???” a 19th century Conan cries as a plane passes overhead. But the not-so-stealthy MVP here is the reenactor who is truly committed to her role as the dour village woman with a dead father and a soon-to-be-dead husband in the Civil War. “You know that guy ain’t coming back. I was down in the Civil War. I saw him and he was acting very cowardly I have to say,” Conan says in an attempt to woo her.

2. Dave Franco and Conan Join Tinder

(Original airdate: 7/17/2014)

Just about every moment of “Dave Franco and Conan Join Tinder” is joyously, ludicrously hilarious. Conan gives viewers all the set up they need for why he’d want to browse Tinder with Dave Franco, saying “Naturally, because I’m a creep, I’m intrigued.” Conan and Dave adopting their Chip Whitley and Dgenghis Roundstone (the “D” is silent) personas is wonderful. As is an unexpected cameo from Conan’s assistant Sona and Conan and Dave’s competition over the 74-year-old Gloria. But per usual, this thing really gets moving when Conan and Dave hit the road in their creepy panel van. Conan assures Dave that the van is filled with duct tape solely to hold the cameras up. “I wish I could say I saw duct tape on any of these cameras,” Dave responds. Once Chip and Dgenghis finally meet their Tinder date, this segment evolves into its glorious final form where Dave and the citizens of L.A. bond over what a weirdo Conan is.

1. The Jordan Schlansky Saga

(Original airdate: 9/1/2008)

Our number 1 entry is a bit of a cheat. For starters, this is not referring to merely one remote segment but a whole genre of them. And the first entry is not even technically a “remote.” Still, we must highlight it all the same for the saga of Conan O’Brien’s associate producer Jordan Schlansky is among the best comedy that Late Night/Tonight Show/Conan ever produced. During the writer’s strike in 2008, Conan tried to keep Late Night going without his usual bevy of writers to help out. This meant segments in which Conan would meet with some of the people behind the scenes of his show which brought him into contact with his eventual archnemesis Jordan Schlansky.

Schlansky is just an aggressively strange person. Always dispassionate and rarely smiling, Schlansky fancies himself a Bohemian renaissance man with his breakfast shakes, mastery of the bullwhip, and vespa. The best part of their original meeting is when Conan realizes just how hilariously bizarre the gestalt of Jordan and can’t help but collapse into laughter as he chokes out “You’re just not like other people.” Later Jordan would join Conan and many remote segments to aggressively annoy and vex him, including one dinner that is among the best things the show has ever done. That lead to Conan’s truly chilling villain monologue:

Conan: I promise you this, I will not kill you myself. But I will have you killed. I will have you wiped out. 

Jordan: I am subject to the same winds, the sun, the air that created the wine that I am drinking. 

Conan: There will be nothing that links me to your murder. There will be no physical link between your dead body and myself. But you will be murdered. I will order it. I will pay for it. But I’ll have no- I am blameless in the eyes of the international court, that I promise you. (laughs) I’m gonna kill you. (laughs) You have to go.

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BONUS – Conan Checks Out the Christmas Lights in Dyker Heights

(Original airdate: 12/22/2000)

Here’s a bonus entry for purely sentimental reasons. This is nowhere near the best of Conan’s hundreds of remote segments, but it holds some personal value to your dear author. Once upon a time I was a child celebrating the Christmas season a month after my family’s 400-mile move to a new home. My parents had a Christmas party that day and I severely overindulged on chocolates, finishing them off with several clementines before bed for some reason. Suffice it to say, sometime around midnight, I puked all over a brand new sleeping bag I received as a gift and ended up on the couch, full of chocolate, clementines, and regret. My mom flipped on the TV to distract me while she hauled off the sleeping bag to be cleaned…or burned. On TV was this very segment “Conan Checks Out the Christmas Lights in Dyker Heights.” I was enraptured by this strange orange-haired man making fun of people’s garish Christmas decorations…even as I tasted the foul acidy sting of rancid citrus in my throat. And thus is the perfect Conan O’Brien watching experience. Best of luck at HBO Max, Conesy!

The post Conan: Ranking the Best Remote Segments appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[blogobot5000]

ALL: Cheers! (They drink)

GWEN: So… Cleo – what was it that happened in that little hell of online dating for you?

CLEO: Do we really want to hear this?

EVE: Absolutely. We’ve been sharing away – but you …

BONNIE: (Bluntly) You haven’t said shit!

CLEO: Okay, miss sunshine and rainbows. Here it is: why I take online dating with a grain of salt.

GWEN: And she salty...

CLEO: Oh, one hundred percent.

BONNIE: Go on –

EVE: Tell us!

CLEO: Alright… so. We all know that I was with Carson all through college and we were hopeless in love and blah, blah, blah but it didn’t work out, yada, yada – well. When we eventually, inevitably broke up, I gave it a shot. It was a few months in I got a message:

MAN: Cleo!? Do you remember me? We went to middle school together. Long time.

CLEO: Mind you. No where on my profile had my name or any hints to my name. Or my exact home town, which he had referenced. (To MAN) Um… Sorry, I do not recognize you. Do you mind telling me your name as well since you seem to recognize me?

MAN: It’s Chris. We went to middle school together at Wildwood Creek Junior High. WWCJH!

EVE: Is that where you went?

CLEO: You betcha.

BONNIE: Oy.

MAN: Why don’t we meet up and you give me a blowjob?

CLEO: I did not recognize his photo. There were about six Chris’ in my class. I had no clue who this guy was… and yet:

MAN: Why don’t we meet? It’ll be a good time. You can just give me a quick one. I know a great spot. Do you still live in town? It’s an easy drive, it’ll be a great time-

CLEO: Still – I persisted he tell me his last name. After countless efforts and responses which only resulted in him pushing a blowjob, he told me:

MAN: Chris Murphy!

CLEO: A brief memory flashed in my brain of seventh grade versions of me and him in the hallway, heading to science class. That is all I recalled of him. This guy from my childhood who I barely know! We never kept in touch but for some reason he recognized me and in that moment he thought “what better way to make a pass than to remain anonymous and then offer oral sex.” I tore into him. How it was so disrespectful, creepy, and not okay. In what world would I feel safe to meet up with someone who was talking to me in this way? I told him how every single thing he said was unacceptable and how he should never do it to any other person again. That is NOT a way to get a person to hook up with another.

EVE: (Timidly, but curious) What did he say?

CLEO: Oh, I never heard from him again.

GWEN: He probably didn’t like being called on his shit.

CLEO: Probably not, no. (Takes a drink) OH! And then there was Steve.

GWEN: Oh boy…

EVE: Steve?

CLEO: Steve was my first “boyfriend.” I was fifteen… he was eighteen… and his mom was not a fan, apparently. We started dating on a Thursday night, via phone call, of course-

BONNIE: How romantic

CLEO: Held hands in school on Friday and Saturday morning… well, back in the days of AIM and Razor phones… I went up to the trusty desktop (Charading typing on a computer, a sunnier, more innocent version of herself) Hey, Steve – good morning

MAN: Hi

CLEO: How did you sleep?

MAN: Fine.

CLEO: How are you?

MAN: Eh. BRB.

CLEO: Um… okay. (After a moment, gets up and walks) And I had this gut feeling that something was up… so I got my trusty Razor phone. (Looks down) One new voicemail. (She opens it up to listen to it)

VOICEMAIL: Hi Cleo… this is Steve’s mom. Look, I think you’re a lovely girl and all but I have a strict rule that Steve cannot date anyone younger than the age of sixteen. I’m sorry for that, he cannot date you any longer.

CLEO: (Dramatically) Tragedy struck! My fifteen year old heart ripped into pieces!

BONNIE: Woof.

CLEO: Only to find a month or two later that Steve started to date Linda… my friend who was… drumroll (EVE and GWEN drumroll on the table) Who wants to guess how old?

BONNIE: Sixteen?

CLEO: Fourteen!

BONNIE: Wow.

CLEO: So, it became clear that it wasn’t his mom that had an issue since she was thrilled that he and Linda were together as shown by her buying Linda flowers for the prom that year-

EVE: Aw, poor little Cleo.

CLEO: Hah! Bullet dodged for poor little Cleo. Because guess who has found me not ONCE, not TWICE but THREE TIMES on various social media – dating apps included- knocking down my very locked door.

MAN: Hey you. Would you like to go on a date with me? I have a poetry contest coming up. I have a girlfriend, but I only met her once and my mom is insisting I break up with her. It’s Steve from high school.

CLEO: No response. And then, on a completely different site:

MAN: I would love to practice photography with you. Hey. I love snakes too. They are my favorite animal. They truly are. Cleo. Will you go on a date with me? Hey. Are you there?

CLEO: No thanks. I am not interested.

MAN: Are you sure? Sad face. Cleo. Okay.

CLEO: There were other times too but – yeah. You get the gist. So, I’m not so fond of the past ghosts or even present ones for that matter coming out to play on dating sites.

GWEN: (Reflective. Chuckles) ‘Are you a serial killer or an axe murderer?’ I should use that.

CLEO: Everyone should use that.

GWEN: Maybe I could have avoided Jack.

BONNIE: Well, he was a stalker. Not a serial killer.

GWEN: He could have been! If there was ever a man who would have been using women’s flesh as a lampshade, it would have been him! Ugh, and I had the red flags. He was 43 minutes late for our date.

EVE: That’s oddly specific.

GWEN: So, here’s the backstory. Jack had been in a car accident the week before. His car needed to go to the shop, so he needed a rental. Fine. Then, his rental was giving him trouble, so he needed to swap it out. I wanted to go to the Cheesecake Workshop for dinner. Work was rough and all I wanted was some key lime pie cheesecake, so I figured I’d kill two birds with one stone: meet him, get cheesecake. I arrive at the restaurant; there’s an hour and a half wait. I text him with the info and he suggests going somewhere else. Fine. First, I couldn’t find the place. The reason I couldn’t find it was because it was a fast food place IN A STRIP MALL! Fine. So, I stand outside and wait. “What’s your ETA?” I text.

MAN: 15 minutes, tops.

GWEN: So, I’m texting Bonnie and she’s telling me to leave.

BONNIE: I knew there was something off.

GWEN: 30 minutes later, I call him. He doesn’t answer, but sends a text saying,

MAN: Sorry! Traffic’s bad, be there soon.

GWEN: So, I wait. Then, another 10 minutes pass and I tell Bonnie that I’m leaving in 5 minutes if he doesn’t show up. 43 minutes in, a man walks up to me and says:

MAN: Are you Gwen?

GWEN: I’m not going to lie. In that moment, I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I. Just. Knew. We get our orange trays, walk down the line, order our dry Chinese food, and find a spot tucked in the corner.

MAN: I’m sorry that I’m late. Things have been shitty.

GWEN: I’m not heartless. It’s a first date. I lean into the conversation and ask if he wants to talk about it. He goes into this heartfelt monologue about his cat dying and how much he misses her and how his life has a gaping hole without her. “I’m so sorry. Pets are part of the family and it is hard to say goodbye. When did this happen?”

MAN: Almost 3 years ago next month.

CLEO: (Spitting out water, laughing) I’m sorry?

EVE: What the fuck?

GWEN: Buckle up, ladies. This story is about to take an even sharper turn. So, I see this red flag, but ignore it and forge on with the conversation. Turns out, as a child, he and his family would go camping near where I grew up in middle-of-nowhere Pennsylvania. We talked about our families and work—he shared another fun story that involved his mom having a UTI.

CLEO: Rough.

GWEN: Then, I asked how he was feeling after his car accident. I have never regretted something more.

MAN: I feel like I can tell you anything.

GWEN: You never want a stranger to say that to you. Apparently, the week before he was out on a date with a woman he met online. Things were going well. She was funny, smart, and they supposedly immediately connected. At the end of the date, they talked about carving pumpkins together. THE NEXT DAY, he called to make good on these plans. She didn’t answer. So, he decided to go pick up some pumpkins and surprise her at this house. He texted. He called. She wasn’t picking up. He took this to mean that he should drive to her house. While driving around her block waiting for her to pick up her phone… SMASH. He was hit by a car at an intersection. He was fine and the other driver was fine, but his car was not. This motherfucker pulled into this girl’s driveway, stood on her front step, and heard the phone ringing inside the house. He was livid. He got the pumpkin out of his car and placed it on her front step as a sign that he was there. Apparently, he wanted to write a passive aggressive note on the pumpkin, but stopped himself. Like, he deserves some medal of honor!

MAN: I just, women are so mean to me. But, I can see in your eyes that you’re different.

CLEO: Yeah, when you show up at their house unannounced and unwanted, women don’t like that.

EVE: (Bursting, ‘obviously’) NO ONE LIKES THAT!

GWEN: Fortunately, I was running a 5k the next day, so I had the perfect excuse. “Oh! So sleepy! Must run in the morning—thanks for a great night!”

Man: Do you want a ride home?

GWEN: I have never been so happy to take the MBTA in my life.

BONNIE: Oh, but the story doesn’t end there!

GWEN: It doesn’t. I was texting Jack at the same time I was texting another man. He was a paralegal. We went out, there weren’t any sparks, but the conversation was nice so I was up for going out again. Here’s the problem. I put them in my phone with the dating app first, followed by their name. So, it was Tea Meets Biscut Jack and Tea Meets Biscut David. Fast forward, I’m sitting on a bench waiting for David. David was not who showed up. I fucked up and I fucked up badly.

MAN: I’m so happy to see you!

EVE: Did you leave?

GWEN: I PANICKED! So, we went in for brunch. Did I mention that he was racist? Because, he was also racist. He works with college students and continued to do impressions and make racist statements that ended with,

MAN: You know what I mean?

GWEN: So, I would respond by saying loudly, “NO! No, I don’t know what you mean!” I work in this town. People know me. I live in this town. What if he follows me home? I downed my meal so fast, while he kept trying to hold my hand and play footsies. I was sweating. But, at the end, I made it clear that there would be no third date.

CLEO: Jesus.

BONNIE: And, she called me after describing what she was last seen wearing, should he have decided to follow.

GWEN: I bumped into him at a show a few months ago. He was there with another girl. I wanted to slip her a note telling her to run, but I didn’t.

BONNIE: Proud of you.

GWEN: Aw, shucks.

CLEO: (Dryly and slightly tipsy. They are all feeling a slight buzz at this point) I once went on a date with a man who polygraphed me and compared himself to a terrorist. (They all stare at her, waiting for her to continue. Rolling her eyes, she continues to explain) He was a mechanical engineer. I began the date with what I thought would be a fun ice breaker. “If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?” For reference, I would be a writer for SNL or an aerial silks artist.

EVE: Obvs.

MAN: Probably something in my field. That I liked.

CLEO: I don’t actually know much about mechanical engineering, shocker, I know, so I asked for some elaboration.

MAN: Oh, ummm, I don’t really know.

CLEO: Don’t you have your masters in mechanical engineering?

MAN: Yeah.

CLEO: Red Flag #1: not knowing anything about the field you have spent your career studying. So, I proceed to talk about my jobs and my eclectic array of past gigs… from balloon animals to working in the pharmacy etcetera, etcetera . I layed it all out for him.

MAN: I don’t believe you.

CLEO: (Laughing, thinking he’s joking) You’re funny

MAN: Give me your arm. Look me in the eye and tell me that you’re telling the truth.

CLEO: What?

MAN: Look me in the eye and tell me that you’re telling the truth.

EVE: Did you do it?

CLEO: (Giving him her arm) Sure did. Then, I realized, he was checking my pulse. This man was checking my pulse to see if I was lying to him. HE WAS POLYGRAPHING ME! Red Flag #2. I ask him about his current job. His engineering job involves mapping out and installing fire sprinklers in large buildings.

MAN: Wearing a hardhat, they let you in anywhere. I could be a terrorist. I could walk into the building with a bomb strapped to my chest and they’d let me in. But, I don’t have the face of a terrorist, so people don’t suspect a thing.

CLEO: That’s when I started trying to flag down our waitress for the check like I was air traffic control. While waiting, he shared a story about how he hopes to write adult comic books about plant superheroes where the pesticides are the villains.

GWEN: Wait—adult comic books, as in adult target audience? Or… plant porn?

CLEO: You think I was waiting around for answers like that? The check hit the table. My money hit the table. My feet hit the ground. Then, because of how the universe works, we both had to walk to the T together. TOGETHER! Fortunately, there was a Red Sox game and they won. So, I easily wedged myself into the sea of red and white never to see him again.

EVE: Baseball saves the day!

CLEO: Yay sports.

GWEN: And thus, the Polygraph Serial Killer was born!

BONNIE: (Spitting out or choking on her water in laughter/shock) THE WHAT?!

GWEN: You know, The Polygraph Serial Killer! The guy- from the story! You know when like, you go on a date with someone and something happens where that becomes their identity almost. Like… eventually you just forget their name and then they’re just ‘The Polygraph Serial Killer’ forever.

BONNIE: Ah, yeah. I have one of those.

GWEN: Just one?! Hah! How when we’ve already named like 8,000 tonight?! Even now! Casino man… Dude from the food court… Gas station creep…

CLEO: And there’s so many more…(to EVE) remember French guy?

EVE: Ugh. I do.

BONNIE: French guy?

EVE: So ,after me and Adam broke up is when the nicknames really started. I went on a whole string of dates and Cleo gave nicknames to them ALL.

CLEO: Oh yeah… there was space man… pizza guy… flower guy… sportsball…

EVE: And frenchie. Or french guy. Whichever.

BONNIE: How romantic.

CLEO: Hardly.

BONNIE: So, what happened?

EVE: His name was … wait for it… Jean. Shocking, I know! He was from France. And, yes, he had an accent. I think he was the second guy on this slew of one-time-dates. A dark time in my life, really.

CLEO: It truly was.

EVE: (Putting on a red coat) It was around the holidays.. Or was just starting to get cold out. Me and Jean made a plan: meet outside of Angelo’s on Main- you know, that Italian place? Meet there, get some dinner, see if there’s a spark and then part ways from there, probably. We didn’t really have any grand plans. So, I got there first and you know and I’m waiting (looking at phone, notification message is heard)

MAN: (From offstage) I’ll be there soon. Just parked.

EVE: (Responding) ‘Okay- great! I’m out front. I’m wearing black jeans and a red coat. See you soon! Smiley face’ (To girls) Now, I don’t know how well you all know that area… but I mean, there’s some stuff there but, there isn’t really a crazy amount. Especially not in the middle of December on a Tuesday night. When it’s freezing. So, anyway, I wait… and

MAN: Eve?

EVE: Hey - Jean?

MAN: Who else? (Small laugh)

EVE: Hah- right! Of course.

MAN: Hey- so, uh, are you hungry?

EVE: Oh yeah. I mean I could eat or I’m okay to wait -

MAN: Well I’m not too hungry yet, should we take a walk first to build up an appetite?

EVE: Oh, well - sure! But where do you want to walk to?

MAN: Well, I don’t think I’m in the mood much for Italian anymore so let’s just go down this way and see what there is.

EVE: So, we go … mind you, he chose Angelo’s. So, I’m just walking around like ‘why choose a place that you don’t want to go to after all for a first date?’ But it’s fine, I let it go. On the walk we talked about:

MAN: (In mid conversation) Work-

EVE: And what we like to -

MAN: Do in your spare time?

EVE: And eventually, we ended up down a bit far away from everything, so I said: “Is this the part where you kill me?”

CLEO: (Excitedly) AND THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT LADIES!

EVE: He was not too amused.

CLEO: But at least ya didn’t die!

EVE: No one murdered anyone. It did prompt us to walk back toward the center.

MAN: Would you be good with this Mexican place, here?

BONNIE: Wait… the one that’s literally right across the street from Angelo’s?

EVE: Yup. So we go. I really didn’t care- it was just …

MAN: There was this wedding I went to, my buddy’s wedding, a few years back. We flew to Italy for it, gorgeous venue along the coast, you can’t even imagine.

EVE: Oh yeah?

MAN: Yeah! Oh, there was so much booze to drink… really a shit ton of booze for everyone to drinks. This wedding, it must have been at least a million dollars spent on it!

EVE: Wow -

MAN: (Overstepping) Yeah! The food was incredible, though (A bit snobby) you would not have had the taste for it.

EVE: Why’s that?

MAN: There was a whole table of fresh fish and a carving station like you have never seen. I don’t think you would have liked it there.