#wowsers this took some figuring to do

[elderwisp]

◁ || ▷ now playing

Frances: You know all of the cool places, huh? 

Icarus: That or I know some pretty cool people. My dad loved bringing Winona and I here.

Frances: Your dad took you and Winona to an arcade with a bar??

Icarus: The bar’s new! I swear.

Frances: [ chuckles ] From what you’ve mentioned, he seems like an amazing guy. I mean, your whole family seems to care about each other. Winona and her fierceness and Aponi always trying to keep me fed. I’m sorry, I’m rambling.

Icarus: I can’t imagine what it’s like to go from one family to another only for it to have its imperfections, but I hope you know that you’re always welcomed.

Frances: I- Thank you. For everything. I’m sure I could have figured things out but thank you for making it easier. 

Icarus: Of course, it’s nice to see you be a person for a bit.

Frances: Likewise. N-Not that I’m saying you’re a wowser or whatever- Sorry I’m gonna stop talking now. 

Icarus: [ chuckles ] It’s alright. Tell me what you’re thinking. 

Frances: I dunno, you’re always there for the people around you and I bet it can get… Exhausting. You seem relaxed.

Icarus: Huh, I guess so.

Frances: Yeah, your brows aren’t doing that scowling thing like they normally do.

Icarus:[ snorts ] Like they normally do??

Frances: Mhm. You should see Winona impersonate you. Shit’s hilarious.

Icarus: Frances!

Frances: [ snickers ] You look like you need some help.

Icarus: Yeah, no shit, you keep distracting me.

Frances: Womp womp.

Icarus: Maybe this was a bad idea.

Frances: I didn’t take you for a liar.

Icarus: Doesn’t really suit me, huh?

Frances: Nah, you’re like an orange jelly bean.

Icarus: Ah, I’m glad I’m reduced to the world’s worst sweet.

Frances: Princess, jellybean, what’s next? [ grunts ] Icarus! Move over.

Icarus: Oh, I’m sorry, am I in the way? What a shame.

Frances: Rude!

[tpwkwriter]

u r my fave writter everrrr! And I wanted to recommend H helping the reader with anxiety, depression, an eating disorder and like a traumatic childhood. THANK YOUUUUU

My comfort.

First of all thank you so, so much Not only for your request but lovely words! 🥰

And wowser A traumatised y/n! 🫢but luckily H is there hey!

*Warnings* mentions of depression, anxiety, trauma,drug use!, body dysmorphia, struggles with eating and various mental health issues! My dms are open always! 🤎

Love your beautiful selfs! 🫶🏼

— — — — —

Ever since a young age y/n had been through various battles.

Her childhood was far from mundane, when she was about 9 her parents took to several different substances and would happily leave y/n and her sister alone for many hours through the day.

When the girl hit her early teens she was aware of what was going on and that realisation hit her like a ton of bricks, knowing her parents would rather be out doing his knows what, with god knows who then actually looking after her and her sister

When it was time for secondary school, y/n would still admit that this was the worst time for her. 7 hours of constant work to come home and play mother. The constant comparisons to her and her classmates drove her mad, the reminder of exams and work it was all a bit much.

When she hit 17 she went to college and took part in a weekend job to earn some money on the side. Of course her parents eyes lit up once they heard money was being made.

On y/n’s sisters 12th birthday y/n was finally able to buy her gifts and treat the young girl. However this didn’t go down with the rest of the family, y/n recalls this memory very clearly even though she’s been trying to repress it for years.

The argument they had that evening was booming, her father threw anything he could get his hands on, her mother threw every insult and shaming word there was, all of this because she wouldn’t lend them money?

The night quickly escalated when an empty vase was threw at y/n leaving a cut on her wrist that scarred and she still sees to this day.

From that night y/n picked up longer shifts, and more hours just for a bit more money and financial stability.

By her 18th birthday she could afford her first car, wasn’t anything grand but the freedom it allowed her was amazing, she finally felt proud of how she’s done this all herself, she finally felt pride in herself and not self hatred.

Fast forward to age 25 and her life was something she wasn’t expecting.

She was with one of the most recognisable faces, who was able to show her parts of the world she never thought she could, he gave her the biggest comfort and safe feeling that she ever so lacked.

Her sister was currently 21 living with her own boyfriend and was equally as happy, and both of them was as close as ever.

Y/n loved Harry with everything in her, and wanted no chance or risk that he would walk out on her. Y/n adamantly worked on her figure everyday, she started off her morning in the gym, went for a run at-least once a week, this was good n all but she slowly started slipping meals and going past them.

It was currently nearing 6pm and H had just come back from the studio and long day.

“Alright love?” He asks putting a hand on her waist and kissing her cheek as she was finalising dinner.

“Oh my god H” she giggled

“Y’made me jump! Didn’t hear y’come in” she smiled

“Was m’plan” he smirked kissing her again.

“How was y’day” he ask, reaching the top cupboard for too glasses knowing she wouldn’t be able to reach them.

“Was okay, got Tomorrow off so no excuse to get rid of me” she smiled.

“You?” She asked

“S’okay busy, happy to have our day tomorrow”

Dinner was finalised, and the both sat at the table speaking through there day to each other.

“Y’been to the gym today?” He asked

“Yeah” she answered.

“Did 2 hours in there today!!” She said proudly.

“M’proud of you darling, make sure we’re not overworking ourselves right?” He asks slipping her a look that was all too familiar.

“M’not, I just wanna stay, like this I guess?” She smiles.

“What do you mean baby? Y’gorgeous” he states.

“Have you eaten today?” He asks stopping in his tracks to watch her.

“Um” she wonders.

“I mean, m’eating right now, but I just wasn’t hungry really” she claims, taking another spoonful of her food to her mouth.

“Y/nnnnn” he playfully drags

“I promise I’ll eat more tomorrow, just, wasn’t hungry today!” She smiles.

“Y’did 2 hours in the gym and didn’t eat anything after?” He asks tone getting deeper and eyebrows raising.

“I really I didn’t mean to, I was running errands after and I forgot” she says standing up from her seat collecting the plates from them both.

H joins her in kitchen and helps her tidy up.

“Thanks H” she said.

“N’worries, thanks for dinner love” he says kissing her temple swiftly.

“Gonna get dressed, and then we can watch one of your bloody documentaries?” He smiles

“Y’know it H” she blushes.

They reluctantly parted, y/n found herself bundled up on the couch with a fluffy blanket awaiting her loves return, she found herself scrolling mindlessly on instagram.

When your current boyfriend has exes in the like of Kendall Jenner, cara delavine and Camille Rowe it’s often hard not to feel worse compared to them, curiosity took y/n over and she clicked on Camille’s instagram page, she was greeted with selfies, pictures of events she’s been too, her with her friends and various other things, her beautiful eyes, her shiny long hair, her model figure, she was straight out of a magazine.

Suddenly all of y/n’s work felt pointless, no matter what she would always be compared to these fashionable girls, that familiarity hits her once again.

She set her phone down and focused on the Tv in-Front of her and fell deeper into her fluffy blanket she was cuddling.

Without a word of exchange H joins her back on the sofa, sits next to the girl and guides her legs to his lap, allowing his fingers to gently trace over her shins and ankles.

“I love you” she says eyes remaining glued to the screen.

His movements stop and he turns his head to her.

“I love you too”

The night was slowly closing and the couple slowly started there evening routine.

Y/n was in there shared bathroom going through with her skincare before bed, a million thoughts popped up at once, she didn’t know if It was her anxiety or just her clear overthinking tendencies

Y/n glanced in the mirror, all she saw was all imperfections, she couldn’t even compare to Taylor swift or Kendall Jenner in anyway shape or form.

“Baby Y’alright?” Harry asked from the other side of the door.

She quickly tapped her phone to see the time just to realise she’s spent nearly an hour locked in the bathroom.

“Yeah baby m’now Coming out” she said shaking the train of though out of her head.

Silent tears roll down her face.

Him. He was so amazing in everything he did. His voice was safe. His words were so comforting. The thought of him not being around her terrified the shit out of her.

— — — — —

Part 2 coming soon!

Hopefully you all like this! There will be a part 2 as I don’t want this to be a really long fic, because I have many ideas what I want done with this!!! 🤎

[words-by-elliott]

oh my gosh there are like 17 of y'all now. Wowsers. I've been busy finding housing and trying to scrape together enough coin to make that happen. My phone broke too so I just downloaded Tumblr on the new one.

I've been doing witch activities recently. and I think this blog is a safe space to share my experiences and seekins.

as far as experience goes, I'm quite the novice. In magic I mean. but I'm exploring this part of me and trying to figure out what this is, and what it can be. to put it shortly, I am patient. I am open. I believe.

I bring this up because today I had much progress in this pursuit.

In the morning I communed with the sea. I grew up on the Raritan Bay, in my home and my love, New Jersey. It was a 10 minute walk to a quiet local beach. Despite this it had been years since I had fully communed with her. I regret taking her for granted. Especially because now I live a 45 minute drive from the ocean.

But I made it today, while it's still hot as fuck out. There was a lovely picnic, basking in the suns embrace, and of course, the bay.

I swam among the jellyfish with the friend who drove me. I helt held by the cool waves. I felt myself healing. I took my heart and mind stones in for a attunement before I left.

When we got back to the city I met my girlfriend.

I told her,

"Sorry I smell brackish."

She replied,

"you kinda have a brackish vibe all the time, it's really attractive."

It one of the best compliments I've ever received. I love that woman.

The day was not without stress. I struggled. I cried. There's a lot going on right now, I'm up in the air again.

But like, and this is gonna sound like a weird turn, Ive had this pumpkin from october of last year. She made it 11 months before she started growing mold.

This pumpkin has given me so much love and support these past few months. Everytime I saw it I would smile and laugh because it seemingly refused to decay.

It remained. Until now. A month from a year, and a month before my lease is up.

I said goodbye. Took a moment to thank her for the joy she's provided. Lit some insense and blew some smoke at her to send her off.

I kept the stem. Cut the flesh off, (which I'll make into paints later), and scrubbed away what was left of the pumpkin bits.

I love that pumpkin. I truly believe there's a joyful spirit inside of it, that I've fed and nurtured with my own joy and love. And it in turn has fed and nurtured me.

I made a necklace out of the stem. I believe that her sprit resides in it, and that that spirit is my friend. I get to take her with me wherever I want now, but I'm thinking about letting her cure so she doesn't get fucked up by moisture or something.

[the charms she wears are my heart and mind stones]

So yea, feeling very witchy rn. It's September so tis the season I suppose. But I remain excited for future lessons, experiences, and friends.

[toddnkurt]

A Quick Heads Up

Just in case y’all didn’t know, I’m the other mod of the page Schwill. Wanted to let you all know however that I don’t exactly have any access to the inbox, only Aisleen does and she’s like ridiculously busy and tumblr is weird and yadda yadda.  But I do get all the notifs from the blog. Yes I see some of you who come in and like every post in a row, and no shame at all cause hey we’re all here cause we love the pair.  I do apparently get notifs now when an ask shows up, but I can’t respond to them in regular reply form cause of the aforementioned tumblr being weird. So to the lovely anon artist I’ll just reply here with what I was going to say in the ask.

Anonymous said: you’ve reblogged every single one of the kodd art i’ve posted on here. now whenever i post kodd i am lowkey hoping it’ll impress you

Well hey I follow the Kodd tag on tumblr and so whenever something that’s not like...Nordic architecture/fashion (cause that shows up,) I will porbably find it and throw it on here. Thank you so much for being a content creator also and we all look forward to whatever else you do friend :D

NOW  I’ve crawled back through the notifs for like...a couple months long now and if I find anything else I’ll try to get to it. Again, sorry if there’s no response or if you @ the blog and I don’t get to that. But I’ll definitely try to be more on the lookout in future. I hope you all have a fantastic day and I’m glad we can all bond over our love for a fuzzy blue elf and his froggy bf.

[enzointokyo]

April 2003

I’d allowed myself a 12 month folly Japan.  It would be an adventure where I could work, save a bit of money, do some traveling, meet some interesting people and experience the craziness of Japanese culture.  Then I would return home and get a proper job.  Having just completed my post grad diploma it was about time I started a career but I really just wanted that one more year off adventure before settling down.

I arrived in Japan in January last year so 3 months overdue on my self-promise and I’m still not ready to go home yet.  Not nearly ready to go home.  

But then, I could never, not in a million years, have predicted where I’d be right now, lying in bed next to Nobuko, the beautiful wife of a pro baseballer, in her beautiful house in a Den En Chofu.

I took an instant disliking to Nobuko when I first met her at Stella, the English school where I was working.  I remember seeing her for the first time, waiting in the reception area as I exited a teaching cubical,  She stood out.  She was beautiful, dressed and groomed immaculately.  Perfect hair and makeup.  Wowsers, she’s hot I thought.  But then I quickly realised her face was scarred by a perma-scowl.  I saw the way she talked to the Japanese reception staff.  Demanding, snobby rude.  My Japanese was basically non existent back then but it was good enough to get the gist of her attitude.  She was causing a fuss, demanding a last minute change to the timetable.  What I didn’t realise is that she was demanding  

After she caught a glimpse of me she insisted that I be her teacher for her 1 hour English lesson.  Students were not not able to request specific teachers for their lessons but Nobuko always paid extra for the private 1-on-1 lessons,  for both herself and her son and she was...Nobuko so she got what she wanted.  Her son, Airo, was no nicer than her.  A very good looking kid, maybe 9 years old and already a promising baseballer, Nobuko doted on him.  Plenty of just the right right ingredients to produce a spoilt brat.

During our lessons Nobuko didn’t bother to speak much. She mostly sat there looking bored, expecting me to entertain her for one long hour.  And when she did deign to speak it was mostly in Japanese.  I would initiate lots of conversations and try to keep them going, occasionally managing to say something silly enough to get a smile or small laugh out of her. At least I would get a little bit of practice listening and speaking Japanese during Nobuko’s lessons.

Airo was no more interested in learning English than his mum and taking his lessons was way worse than taking Nobuko’s.  I’d much rather be stuck in a small study room for an hour with a beautiful mum than with her petulant brat of a son.

I quit working at Nova after about six months and Nobuko was definitely one of the students I was glad I wouldn’t have to see again.  But I underestimated her tenacity.  Two months after leaving Nova I got a text message.  “Hello is this Enzo?  I am Nobuko.  I am student from Stella...”  Christ.

We now shower off together.  Japanese and their bathing.  It’s not unusual for me and my students to have a shower before and after sex (and, of course, during). Japanese excel at bathrooms and toilets.  They excel at cleanliness.  This particular bathroom is full of marble; ornate, ostentatious and flashy.  Not exactly my style but undeniably luxurious.  There’s plenty of room for the two of us under the giant shower rose.  I get changed into my designer suit and gather my various designer belongings, all of them gifts from students.  The Issey Miyaki watch, Hugo Boss wallet and Gucci satchel.  I wouldn’t wear this kind of stuff back home in Australia.  It’d look ridiculous to my friends and family.  But it looks appropriate in Japan and I’m glad to be wearing nice clothes, especially in my current occupation. Funny how I now notice most gaijin looking so sloppy and careless with what they wear.  Exactly how I looked not so long ago.

Nobuko, topless, comes to hand me the envelope.  Our arrangement is always settled quickly and discreetly.  As she nears I grab her her and pull her hard up close to my body.  My right hand squeezes the entirety of her left butt cheek and we share a deep kiss for 10 seconds.  I take the envelope and put it in my satchel next to the English teaching books.  Before I leave the house I quickly check myself in the huge full length mirror by the front door, making sure nothing looks amiss and as I exit the house I put on a show of bookmarking one of the English texts.  For a wealthy housewife, having private English lessons at home is a nice status symbol.  But while I’m sure Nobuko is quite happy for the neighbours to speculate about the exact nature of my visits, I still try to make everything look ostensibly legit.

I walk to the nearby train station to pick up my bike.  I always lock it up a little bit away from my students’ homes, just to have that extra degree of separation.  And I don’t tell them where I live.  “Near Futako Tamagawa” I answer vaguely when asked.

It’s an easy 25 minute bike ride from Den En Chofu station to my apartment in Sakura Shin Machi.  Tokyo is a huge city but you can get around surprisingly well by bike, especially if you’re lucky enough to live reasonably close to where you work.  Six months ago, when I got serious about my current gig, I drew up a territory that’s close to my apartment and all accessible by bike.  Lots of riding also helps keep my body ripped.

When I get home I take the envelope out of my Gucci satchel.  It’s a classy envelope with made with thick paper.  There’s some Kanji printed on it which I don’t understand but no doubt it is just the right envelope, chosen with care, for this particular purpose.  Inside is Y500,000 for my 2 hours’ tuition.  Nobuko is a bitch but she always pays me with no fuss.  She’s all business which I appreciate.  The envelope goes into the recycling bin along with the others and the money into a safe in my bedroom.

I grab a beer from the fridge.  This is my winddown habit.  No.  I put it back.  Beers used to be my winddown.  I need to stay focused and disciplined. I start making a fruit smoothie.  6 more months in Japan and I’ll return home with Y10m, enough for a deposit on a house.

I have a very comfortable set up.  In one bedroom I have a bench press and some gym mats.  My own private gym you could say.  I sleep in the tatami bedroom and there’s a decent size living/kitchen/dining area.  I’m very happy with my digs.  A two bedroom apartment in a nice area like Sakura Shin Machi would seem like quite an extravagance.   But the apartment is old and quite far from the train station which helped reduced the rent.  Being far from a train station is not a problem for me when I can cycle most places.  I figured I’d done my penance staying in the shitty Nova apartment for my first 9 months in Japan so I could enjoy some comfort for my final 12 months in the country.

After the fruit smoothie I do a couple of hours of exercise in my gym, then study Japanese for a few hours in the evening. Discipline.

[cleverbroadwayurl]

All I Do is Dream (Jeremy Heere x Reader Pt 8)

Song: All I Do is Dream by The Everly Brothers

Need to Catch Up? PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4 PART 5 PART 6 PART 7

Want More? PART 9 PART 10 PART 11 PART 12 PART 13 PART 14 PART 15 PART 16  PART 17 PART 18  PART 19

Word Count: 4579

A/N: Okay I know this is a happy song,,, but I love irony so I put it in with a darker part. Also! This song was sent to me by someone who really likes this particular fic (thank you so much by the way wowser I can’t believe someone likes it so much), and they said that it reminded them of the first few parts. Because of that, I wanted to incorporate it into the one part that would review most of the series but from a new perspective. Another thing about this fic: I did use actual texts, but I changed the names to BMC characters! I wanted to incorporate them instead of mentioning people that you all have no idea about. I also have opened requests, so feel free to send them in! I’m in the process of typing up the rules, but the only thing that comes to mind right now is no smut/nsfw content please! I also need to know if you want me to do commentary on this entire fic, or just one part, so feel free to let me know at any point! 

Trigger Warnings: abusive boyfriend, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, mentions of depression, mentions of anxiety, mentions of an eating disorder, a little bit of implied self harm (it’s literally only one sentence about long sleeves, nothing more I promise!), mentions of lack of sleep, a bad time at prom, mentions of vomit (only in the hypothetical sense) (if I missed something please contact me immediately so I can change it)

Taglist: @retrogarden @scarsonthecuffsofyourjeans @be-more-heidi-hansen @bluhimaweirdo

God you didn’t deserve this. Any of it. And in that moment, Jeremy made a promise to himself. He was going to help you in whatever way he could, and never ever let your boyfriend get away with this.

“I just wanted to say thank you,” you smiled at Jeremy, sipping your drip coffee with a light smile, “I know I said that over text when I invited you here, but I felt like I also needed to say it in person.”

Your sweet smile didn’t move and your eyes remained shining bright as they had last night. As you held your coffee, there were no white knuckles, no worry, just utter calmness and wonder. It was a relaxing sight to Jeremy, almost as if last night hadn’t happened. But it did, didn’t it? Jeremy needed a reality check.

His mind went over every event since last night as he tugged on the sweater that Brooke had picked out for him that morning. He dropped you off, vowed to somehow get revenge on your boyfriend, fell asleep on his bed out of exhaustion, woke up to a text from you inviting him to some hole in the wall diner on the opposite side of town to apologize in person, he took a shower, called Brooke to help him figure out what the hell he should wear, she gossiped basically the whole time, only telling Jeremy ‘it doesn’t matter if it’s a date or not, just be yourself, you’re great all on your own!!’ while he got ready, drove across town, and now he was here. Jeremy checked his phone once again. There were the texts from you, asking him to meet you here. And then of course, you were sitting across from him, smiling and being all adorable as always.

Jeremy realized how deep in thought he was before mirroring your smile. How could he forget how attractive and amazing you were when you were happy and comfortable with yourself? His heart fluttered as your ears turned pink. He wished you could look at him like that all the time and in different circumstances.

“It was no problem. I’m glad you were able to stay safe,” he finally responded. Jeremy almost felt hyperaware of himself, feeling like you were watching his every move as if you’d judge him for making even the smallest wrong move. He felt like a deer in the headlights, unsure of how to act or what to do. It had been forever since he’d been on a date—or whatever this was.

But you wouldn’t judge him for making a mistake. There’s no way, even if he dropped his plate of food on the ground and then threw up. You had broken down your walls last night and somehow Jeremy could feel that you two had something special going on. Although, maybe it was just wishful thinking. But one thing was for sure: boundaries between you two were almost nonexistent. Emotionally, at the very least.

That didn’t stop Jeremy’s mind from buzzing with question after question. He looked down at the brown table in the diner. What compelled you to leave your boyfriend’s house last night, other than the physical harm? It was clear that things had happened between you two before that night. You’d been conditioned, almost like a lost puppy, to apologize, constantly double check with people, have the inability to make decisions, and so much more. Hell, you barely talked about yourself and how you were doing, even when you were prompted. So why try to escape last night? And why go to his house? Jeremy wasn’t anything special, especially in his eyes. He was just a lanky and below average teenage boy. He could barely get Christine to even talk to him, so why did you choose him to confide in? And how long had your mistreatment been happening to make you desperate enough to go to him? It bad to be, jeez—

“Jeremy?” You asked sweetly, keeping your voice soft and light.

He could feel his head snap up at your call to attention, eyes immediately finding yours. Your face drained of color and your fingers started to fidget more than they normally did. “Sorry, I uhh, you just looked like you wanted to ask something. Sorry, I should’ve like waited for you to speak, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you like that or make you jump, it was an accident—”

“It’s okay, I was just zoning out for a second, you’re fine,” Jeremy reassured, his eyes becoming soft at your crumbling composure.

You were quiet for a second, almost contemplating your next move, “So, we’re okay?” You asked, your eyes growing wider by the second.

“We’re great.”

You calmed down, your back hitting the other side of the booth. You smiled back at Jeremy, unease creeping into your features. He didn’t mean to make you nervous at all. Jeremy was being truthful; everything was great between you two. Why had you become so nervous? Were you really that worried that he was lying to you?

Maybe your boyfriend lied to you often. Maybe in public, he would say that you were fine but the minute that you got home that’s when hell would break loose. As much as Jeremy wanted to do something, there really wasn’t anything that he could do. He couldn’t just change how you thought and what you believed. So he decided the best thing to do was to maybe just move on. That way, you could focus on something else. “Actually,” he began, “I did want to ask you something.”

You came back into reality, immediately waving your hand as if to wave away his statement. “Of course. I’m sorry, I totally forgot that you really only have the bare essentials of what’s going on. What do you want to ask?”

Jeremy held his own for what felt like the first time in his life. He fidgeted with the straw wrapper that had been discarded mere minutes ago. “I don’t mean to pry, but,” his mind went over all of the questions and he decided to ask the most sugar coated question he could, “why did you choose to go to my house last night? Why not your best friend’s house?”

You sighed and stared down at the table before answering his question. “You were the perfect candidate.”

“What do you mean?”

“Normally, I would go to my best friend’s house. However, they are, or I suppose were, friends with my boyfriend. They’ve been friends for god, 12 years? He knows where they live, and therefore, could find me there. It would be dangerous for both me and my best friend.”

Your best friend knew your boyfriend for 12 years?? That’s how long Jeremy knew Michael. He couldn’t even imagine what it would be like if Michael suddenly started hurting someone else he liked? What if Michael started hitting Christine? Could he even forgive him for that? Jeremy knew for a fact that Michael would never take a SQUIP, so that excuse was out of the picture. He was glad that you corrected yourself; your best friend should not be friends with your abuser.

Jeremy silently urged you to keep going, eyes watching you as carefully as they could. He hoped you’d keep going because while your answer was satisfying, it didn’t fully answer his question. You took a sip of your coffee before continuing.

“I was thinking about a hotel, but I wasn’t sure if they would allow me to check in as unlisted and I didn’t have any cash on me. My debit card could be traced. And my mom would know that something was up.”

Surprisingly, Jeremy had never thought about checking into a hotel. You must’ve been planning an escape for a long time if you’d thought about multiple places to go. And if that were the case, what happened last night must’ve been happening for—Jeremy didn’t even know how long.

“A few weeks ago, when we ran into each other at Wawa’s, I remembered that we were in a group project together, meaning I had your address. I mapped it from my boyfriend’s house, and you were less than 10 minutes away, which is perfect for an escape route. He also doesn’t know where you live, which makes your house a better option than my best friend’s. I wouldn’t have to use my debit card, and because of that, I couldn’t be traced. I could also easily make it home from your house and my mom wouldn’t have to know anything. Plus, I knew you were a good person and an even sweeter friend. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to help me,” you finished while blushing during the last sentence.

Jeremy’s ears turned pink at your blush but immediately dismissed it. The blush meant nothing; it couldn’t mean anything. Although, you did kiss him last night. You did initiate it. Maybe you did like him back. But the more Jeremy thought about it, the more he believed it wasn’t true. Last night was just a moment of rebellion, like he’d seen at Rich’s bonfire. Nothing more.

You must’ve caught Jeremy being lost in thought because you spoke up just seconds after he’d finished his train of thought. “Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course.”

You shifted in your seat for a second before looking back up at the lanky boy. “Anything else you want to know?”

YES. Jeremy wanted to know so much more, so many questions buzzed in his mind, but maybe now was not the time to have them answered. He knew that this whole relationship took a toll on you. Jeremy recalled when he’d first noticed that something was really wrong. But had this relationship really been that bad since January? It couldn’t be that, right? He decided that it would be better to ask than to assume the worst. “You literally don’t have to answer if you don’t want to but,” Jeremy started, “How long has this whole mistreatment thing been going on?”

You sighed, eyes darting for the table. It was almost like you were ashamed of yourself, of your answer. “I don’t even know,” you muttered. You moved the hair out of your face before sighing and looing at Jeremy once again. “For most of the relationship, I guess.

“We started out great, everything was just…wonderful. And then, sometime I think during Winter Break, god is that right?, it was like something came alive or like something died. He was controlling, rude, made sure I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything without him or his permission. Sometimes I needed both. I thought things would get better with time. I was waiting for them to get better. I thought by prom everything would be great. Instead, he started saying things to me that I can’t even bare to repeat. And then last night he—” You took a shaky breath, attempting not to cry in the diner. “So, to answer your question, I guess since Winter Break.”

Winter Break? That had been, jeez, months. That was almost your entire relationship as far as he was concerned. Jeremy knew something was up with you when Winter Break ended. He could tell based off of the ways your eyes sunk into your head, the way you always tried to sleep, how nice you were to other people, but most importantly, how miserable you were. He remembered how stupid he was, seeing how your boyfriend kept you from your friends and why your social media pages looked those of a perfect couple. It was a front. It was a way that no one would notice what you were going through and a way for your boyfriend to get away with his abuse.

And at prom, when you were so upset and nervous. You looked so stunning and you’d spoken to Jeremy, but immediately after your boyfriend whisked you away. He did control you, he did isolate you, and Jeremy completely missed the signs.

. You were being controlled, and he knew exactly what that felt like. Asking for permission, getting nervous about doing things, not ever being sure of yourself or confident; it wasn’t anything he’d wish on anyone. And now it happened to someone who didn’t deserve it.

At least with Jeremy, he’d at least kind of chosen to be controlled. He made the choice to keep going with the SQUIP all because he wanted to be cool. But you didn’t choose this, no, you chose a happy life with someone who you thought would be kind and sweet.

He could feel his blood start to boil and his hands start to grip the sides of his sweater. Your boyfriend hurt you in more ways than Jeremy could imagine. He thought it was bad last night, but boy was he wrong. This wasn’t one therapy session worth of shit, it was years. This would follow you around every time you wanted to date anybody, or hell even on an off day. The things your boyfriend said to you would come back and haunt you, Jeremy was sure of it. Hell, the SQUIP was only around in his head for only a few weeks and he still had mental health problems from it.

Jeremy had to do whatever he could until you were happy again. If that meant going after your boyfriend and giving him hell, he’d do it. If that meant going to court with you, he’d do it. If that meant talking every night and helping you fall asleep soundly, he’d do it.

As for the prick that you were still with, you had to break up with him. You could do it in public, eyes on you just in case things went south. He could get Rich, Jake, and Michael to help out. Rich could be the eyes and the muscle, Jake could be back up, Michael could be your get away, and Jeremy could keep eyes on you, notifying the others on what to do via walkie or phone. Yeah, that sounded good as long as he could—

“Can I ask you something?”

Jeremy froze in his tracks. Shit, he’d gotten so caught up in his revenge party that he’d almost forgotten that you were still here and still hurting. Your eyes were wide and stared at him with a desperation that could only be described as similar to begging for your life back. He gulped, and then nodded while softly replying “Yeah, of course.”

“You,” taking a breath you started again, “You think I’m crazy, don’t you?”

“What?” That was not the question he was anticipating. He was thinking you were going to ask about last night’s kiss. It was weird, like he couldn’t get that singular event out of his head. Just the way you were so…indescribable. Jeremy could only compare it to—

“I probably am,” your fingers started messing with your mug, “I mean, you probably assume my boyfriend is great and I’m lying. Like this is a front to just get sympathy, right? And maybe I am crazy. Maybe people just say stuff like that and I’m too sensitive or something, I don’t know.”

“Wait a second before continuing, okay?” Jeremy put his hand out to physically stop you. He didn’t want to hear you explain why you thought you were insane. Because if anything, you weren’t crazy, your boyfriend was. “You’re not crazy. I totally believe you, especially after last night. Your struggle is valid, I promise.”

You nodded your head before looking out the window for a second. “Can you just like, look at the texts? I just want to be positive, you know?”

“Sure, of course.”

Pulling out your phone, you quickly unlocked it and began scrolling. You eventually handed it to the boy who sat across from you. Jeremy took it gingerly, making sure not to close it or scroll away from the thing you wanted him to see. His eyes focused on the smaller text in front of him and began to read.

Him: My whole day is ruined because I can’t see you

Him: I can’t imagine life without you in it

Jeremy had seen that phrase before, it was in a game that he had watched other people play. The game was Emily is Away Too, and the character who said it was Emily’s shitty boyfriend Jeff. Yeah, there’s no way that you’re crazy. He looked at the time stamp. You two had been dating for barely 3 months, give or take a week or two. That was not something you usually told your not-yet-long-term significant other. No, that was something you said to scare them off.

Him: I wish someone was here for me. Him: Or anyone else, on top of you. Him: Don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate you, but you’re barely here. I don’t have other people here.

Jeremy was confused. You two didn’t spend time apart, ever. He looked back at the time of this text. February 14, 12:13 PM. That was right smack in the middle of you two spending time together and only together.

The last five texts he read were repeated over and over again, until even he got tired of reading it. Jeremy’s eyes stopped at several texts you messaged your boyfriend. All the long ones were explanations of what you were doing and why your boyfriend should get help with a professional instead of you. A few words caught his eye: “Eating disorder”, “not sleeping”, “anxiety”, and “depression”. Damn it, he knew, Jeremy knew you weren’t just tired like Brooke had once said. Something told him that you weren’t eating. You always wore sweaters and long sleeves. You always had caffeine on hand. Your boyfriend missed the signs (or just chose to straight up ignore them and make his problems the bigger ones), but the lovesick boy who admired you from afar noticed them in 2 weeks.

He scrolled down a little further:

Him: Okay I’m gonna be real with you. I have exactly 0 ideas for prom and I haven’t slept in like 2 days and I might have a meltdown.

How was this even a text? April 17 6:14 AM. Shouldn’t you know how to ask your significant other to prom by that time? Prom was May 6th. This text was long overdue. And wasn’t your boyfriend supposed to know what you liked enough to know how to ask you to prom? This wasn’t right. Your boyfriend wasn’t even doing the bare minimum while you put in every ounce that you had.

He continued scrolling down, only getting more and more sick from how many times your boyfriend asked you ideas on how to ask you to prom. He’d lost count, honestly. You’d give your boyfriend ideas, and he’d just dismiss them, as if they were nothing. As if you were nothing.

It wasn’t long before Jeremy found blatant sexual harassment. You had requested (very stealthily, but it was there) that he stop, but he just continued. Did that count as assault? Did Jeremy just witness your boyfriend sexually assault you? If it wasn’t assault, it was definitely harassment. That was the last straw. Your boyfriend was going down in flames with everybody watching.

Him: But I’m a piece of shit. (Jeremy nodded at that) Idk if I’m above sleeping with Chloe. I try my hardest not to, but with you not here, I don’t know what will happen. Him: I think I’m above it but who knows.

May 1, 12:14 AM. Alright, so your boyfriend is gaslighting you into believing that if you leave to do anything without him, he might cheat on you with Chloe? And was this Chloe Valentine, right? Jeremy knew that Chloe just kinda flirts with people but is committed in a relationship right now. So, basically your boyfriend lied to you to get a rise out of you. What kind of fuckery is that? Not okay fuckery, at the very least. And now Jeremy was already planning a witch hunt. The witch? Your boyfriend. Before he planned any further than he had before (this time Jeremy would have the eyes and ears on you, not Rich) he scrolled down.

Him: So I stopped by the cafeteria…

You: Sorry! I overslept.

Him: Whatever Him: I was late anyways because I didn’t sleep last night.

May 1, 7:30 AM. Jeremy could remember this day. It was near the end of the school year, and you didn’t show up to school that morning. He’d worried that something had happened to you, something bad. His friends said you were probably just sick or maybe you’d overslept a little bit. ‘It happens to everyone at some point,’ they’d said. But in this circumstance, Jeremy was right on the money.

Him: I hope that was a nice conversation you had with Rich.

You: We were just talking, it was innocent.

Him: Yeah, so much so that you kicked me to the curb.

You: I’m sorry, was I just supposed to stand there and listen to you talk to your friends? I started talked to Rich because we’re friends, and that’s what friends do. You didn’t really seem to want to talk to me. (Jeremy silently cheered for you standing up for yourself)

Him: Whatever. I’m sorry that Dustin asked me to go in there to help with some stuff. I guess I should have left when it was just me, you, and Rich, so that you guys could have had your 1 on 1 chat or whatever. Him: Anybody would have assumed you like Rich more than me.

You: You don’t honestly believe that, do you?

Him: It sure seemed like it

So that’s how Rich knew something was wrong! He knew all the way back since May 3rd? Why didn’t he say something sooner? And why didn’t he convince Jeremy to try and talk to you before the summer? They could’ve done something months before this got out of hand. However, something told Jeremy that this was your last full (if that) conversation with Rich, or really any of your friends for that matter. The consequences were too great for you to have friends outside of your boyfriend, which shouldn’t be the case. When he and Christine were dating, Christine would go to her friends for certain things that Jeremy couldn’t give her. You didn’t have that luxury, and Jeremy wanted to give it to you so badly.

Jeremy continued scrolling so you wouldn’t have to wait for him to read everything. He knew that there was too much content for him to get through in one go. But something caught his eye, and something told him that out of everything Jeremy read, this was the one text you needed him to read.

Him: I’m just telling you what it comes off as. And the times where I have to ask you if you’re not going to be able to make it over rather than knowing beforehand, coupled with the lack of time we get to be together, honestly, it makes it hard for me to stay in love with you.

In that moment, Jeremy’s breath hitched. He did not say that to you. Your boyfriend was the definition of the SQUIP: controlling, isolating, and even severely emotionally and verbally abusing his victim. You were now officially part of the SQUIP Squad, whether or not you counted Jeremy as a friend or whatever. This situation definitely counted as a SQUIP.

And another thing: if anything, you were easy to love. It was so simple to get lost in your eyes, the loop of your handwriting, the sweet tone of your voice, the way that your giggles and chuckles lit up rooms, how gentle you became late at night, the elegant way you walked, where even in times of suffering, you looked like you were walking on air. You were uniquely you, and Jeremy could not think of anyone more perfect and magical to love—platonically at the very least.

“You got there, didn’t you?”

That tore Jeremy from his thoughts, eyes shooting back at you. “W-What?”

“May 8th. 7:26 PM. The Monday after prom, aka Senior Skip Day.”

All he could muster was a nod. This one text had to be significant to you. You had memorized the date and time of it. Something happened at this time.

“That was the beginning of most of the verbal abuse,” you muttered. “It really only gets worse or stays the same from there out.”

Jeremy clutched your phone, feeling himself loosing control. He wanted to throw your phone and track your boyfriend down. He even went through the motions in his head to call Rich and get his team assembled. He’d call Rich, then call the police to keep you safe while they went and took care of your boyfriend. He could even just call Christine, or hell, Brooke, to keep you safe while they dealt with the piece of shit that called himself your boyfriend. Just as Jeremy was feeling for his wallet and preparing to go and inflict pain on your boyfriend, your phone vibrated.

Him: I want to keep going. Him: I don’t want to lose you. Him: I love you so so much. Him: I’m sorry. I’m an asshole.

The lanky boy calmed down almost instantly and handed your phone back to you, waiting for you to make your response. He hoped that you wouldn’t accept that apology. It wasn’t real; everything he said wasn’t real. You can’t apologize to someone while insulting yourself. That’s not okay. The person you’re apologizing to should not have to compliment you while you’re expressing how sorry and regretful you are. That’s manipulative as fuck.

But Jeremy missed your response to the four texts because his own phone went off.

Michael: Hey dude! You finally beat that Bioshock level? You called me at a weird time last night.

Fuck, Jeremy forgot he’d called Michael last night in a rush to help you. He quickly typed out a response, making sure to check in on you every few seconds. He was worried that you might need some more help steadying yourself.

Jeremy: Not exactly. I’ll tell you about it later, okay? Jeremy: What time do you get home tonight?

It was a few seconds before Michael responded again. Jeremy glanced up at you for a second, making sure that you were calm, cool, and collected.

Michael: I don’t mean to pry, but like, did you end up like getting laid? Did you just use my text as a euphemism? Because gross dude

Jeremy: What? No. Not even a little. Look, I’ll just… Jeremy: Just come over later, alright?

Michael: Sure. I’ll be there tonight. We smokin?

Jeremy: It’s up to you. It’s your weed, not mine.

Michael: Alright. I’ll see you tonight.

As soon as he looked up, you were already packing up your stuff. “Sorry, my boyfriend texting me is kind of my cue to go. That’s why I wanted to meet so early. I wanted us to get some time alone, you know?”

“Yeah,” Jeremy smiled at you.

“I’ve got the bill covered, it’s my thanks to you. Have a great day, okay Jeremy? I’ll see you around.”

With that, he got his keys out and began to make sure he had his wallet and phone. Usually, a reunion with you was a happy event, but Jeremy wasn’t smiling as he left this time. He just had one question rattling around in his mind, similar to a game of old school Pong. How can you say that stuff to someone you claim to love?

[wadupkev]

Why I Changed Jobs 5 Times During COVID

Writing for me has become a unique way for me to process and reflect in my life. I find it soothing to sit at the keys of my computer and slowly watch, like a viewer of a movie on my own life, a story come to life, yet I have already lived it.

There is something real about reflection. Looking back at a situation and seeing it through a clear windshield that once was caked over with dirt. It’s freeing, it’s encouraging, it helps us grow and I am so grateful for that.

This last year for so many has been, dare I say, hard? Does anyone growing up ever think about what kind of destruction a global pandie could cause let alone what a pandie even is? I want to be careful how I write this reflection of my last year because I know the pain and suffering that others have been through because of the ‘rona. Real, life-altering pain. Although my life has been shaken up this year it certainly could have been a lot worse so please know I am writing this knowing the privilege that I have. I hope you see the things that I have learned as the main takeaways rather than the vehicles of transportation that took me to them. Also know that I love you and am so grateful you are reading this. Even if this is where you stop reading I hope you know how loved you are.

Lets rewind a bit.

March 2020

Wowsers. I was living man. The NCAA March Madness tournament was right around the corner. Being in the last semester of grad school with not a whole lot going on class wise, I was soaking up my time in the athletics department at Nebraska. I was scheduled to work the basketball tournaments first and second rounds in Omaha. I would get to be on the floor watching the games live, in the press conference room during interviews, distributing materials as a “runner” to the staff onsite. In the midst of all of this I had begun just a few months prior really starting to look through the job sites and start applying for gigs I thought I would do well in. Something I would love.

How exciting right? Finishing grad school (which funny enough during my freshmen year of undergrad in 2014 I switched majors to avoid going to grad school lol s/o God) with hopes to work in a profession that I had been dreaming about for a little over 5 years. I was working national events, attending sporting events left and right, being front and center as a “fan” or graduate assistant. I was starting to explore where I wanted to live post grad school. The cool thing about college athletics is that there are colleges ALL over. The idea of what a post school life would look like was becoming really clear. This vision that had taken shape over the last 5 years was coming to the point where I wasn’t quite sure what would be next. But things were getting clearer each day.

I remember driving to Omaha a couple days before March Madness was set to begin with my roommate. The night before we saw the first of what would be many NBA games cancelled. Not thinking too much about it at the time, Zach (my roommate) and I were in the car when the alerts that no fans would be in attendance at the games for March Madness came through. My family had tickets to come watch the games. I was on the phone with my dad chatting about them no longer coming to Nebraska to visit and enjoy some college basketball. We hung up and then the alerts just kept coming. Rumors that the whole tournament would be cancelled, then seemingly strong sources stating that it was cancelled. By this point I had dropped Zach off to go on his spring break trip and he was already in Florida. Uh oh. Could he even come home? Stuck 1,700 miles away from school (tbh at the time I did not think he was in the worst spot).

It was sports that did it for us. The moment we knew something awful was about to happen without the magnitude of what it could do in our minds. A quick pause, do you remember when you found out about this whole thing? For some reason I think this is my generations global event that we will look back and no exactly where we were and what we were doing.

Anyways, to continue, ten days after the basketball tournament was cancelled, I received an email from a job I had applied to a few weeks earlier and the head coach was asking to chat about a role. If I am honest, I had forgotten that I had applied for this particular role because of how many jobs I had been applying to during that time. I had figured since I hadn’t heard anything that they were not interested. Slightly stunned, but excited about the possibility to interview, we talked for a while on a Monday and then continued that conversation with a second round interview with his whole staff on that Wednesday. During our Wednesday chat, towards the end, he had told me that I would have a decision, good or bad, by friday. “That’s so soon but rock on.” I thought. I loved the idea of knowing soon. Oh how this would come to bite me. Friday came and went and I heard nothing. What would you think in this situation? At this point I really did not know what the scale of COVID-19 would be. It had shaken things up but I thought it would last a couple weeks. In my mind, I went to “Oh they probably offered the role to someone else, that person is taking the weekend to think about it and they didn’t want to tell me incase this person turns down the role in which case I’ll hear something either Monday or Tuesday.” Somewhat logical right? The timing made sense. I was convinced someone else got the job.

Monday rolls around. This is all happening during Lent (the 40~ days before Easter) in which I had decided to do my bible study in my room immediately after waking up instead of checking my phone first. I had been charging my phone in the living room, which I continue to do now, so that the temptation wouldn’t be there. Expecting to hear something that day or the next, I was distracted to say the least. While I was reading that mornings devotional, I just kept thinking “How crazy would it be if when I go out to the living room to finish my response to the devotional on my phone and I would see a missed call already?”. I had woken up at like 8ish I want to say that morning so I was really doubting to see something. I wrapped up the reading and walked out to the living room and no joke, the first thing I see, it says “Missed Call: Coach Taylor | 3 minutes ago”. WHAT?! Literally as I was thinking “oh man what if he’s already called?” while reading, he had indeed tried to call. I was shocked. I very speedily finished my response to that demo. My apologies to anyone who had received my text that morning because it was NOT my best. I rushed through it trying to not be distracted, but I couldn’t think of anything else. What was he going to say? I immediately called him back. “Good news and bad news Kevin.” Oh boy. Here we go. “I wanted nothing more than to call you on Friday and offer you the job.” Okay……and? “I got a call from HR about an hour before I was planning on calling you saying that the university is freezing all current hiring processes until further notice. You are our guy, we just don’t know when we can get you out here.” I mean, pretty awesome phone call to me, being extremely naive to the timeline that the ‘rona would follow. I thought that tops a couple weeks and boom, I get out to this job. A dream job for me out of grad school. I had connected really well with the head coach and the rest of his staff. It felt so right. I decided at that point that this would be worth waiting for. However long. In my head, I would go home for a couple weeks, spend some time with family, and get out to the job in the middle to end of May. I moved home hoping to not be there too long.

And then the weight of what the ‘rona would do to our world started to pile on. More and more cases. More direction about masks, staying home, virtual events becoming the norm. Every couple of weeks I would connect with Coach Taylor and see how they were handling things, what the update on the possible timeline could be. It keeps getting pushed back. Maybe June 1st. Well maybe July 1st (start of the new fiscal year for universities). These arbitrary dates kept coming and going like the wind. August 1st then August 17th which was the first date of classes. Now what I want to make clear is that this potential employer was not simply stringing me along. No one really knew what to expect with this virus. He was hopeful and encouraging to talk to about the future of this role. In the midst of all of this, I was at home with my parents not knowing when I was going to leave. 24, grad degree, living at home. The story I told myself was that I had failed. That I had made it through the right hoops at the right time to finally get to the hoop that was too high up to get through and to fall down on my face and not be good enough. Then, in the middle of August, I got a call from the Coach in which he informed me that it would at least be Spring of 21’ before they would be able to consider a hire.

Woof.

Not what I wanted to hear. It could likely mean a full year living at home before they could consider hiring? Oh man.

I had picked up a job working 6pm to midnight at Lowes unloading trucks. More on this in my last blog.

I felt lost. I felt alone. A handful of my grad school friends had already secured jobs before COVID. The few that hadn’t yet felt really far away. All the people I was spending time around still had their jobs and were still chugging forward when it felt like I had been cast one hundred miles back in life. It was hard.

I sat down into a conversation with one of my incredible mentors, Tyler. I explained the whole situation like I had done a million times already at that point. I explained how I likely would have a full winter to wait out before this dream role, or even hiring in college athletics in general, would resume to normal. He asked me a couple questions and then said something that challenged my current thinking. “Kevin, think about it. When else are you going to have an entire winter, to do whatever you want, ever in your life again? No responsibilities, no restrictions besides the ‘rona. Use this time to have a little fun. Don’t go into debt, but enjoy this time. Think about this as an opportunity to do something you otherwise would never get to do. You ski a lot right? Go be a ski bum.”

Now. This idea had not been completely foreign to me. On a backpacking trip in 2015, one of the group leaders had mentioned how he had been a ski bum at Vail in his 20’s. Immediately Ty(the groups leader on the backpacking trip)’s stories starting becoming vivid memories. I remember him telling me of the 100+ days he spent skiing, living on a couch eating ramen and PB&Js to make it by, just living.

I went home that day from lunch with Tyler and applied for a job at Copper Mountain. “Ski Instructor, hm that sounds like something I could do” having taught just a handful of friends in college how to ski. S/O Tyler Leasure crashing into a tree at full speed. The immediate excitement of possibly spending a winter in the mountains of Colorado was quickly brought back to the ground. I would only be doing this because I wasn’t where I actually wanted to be. I was only doing it because my dream job had seemingly fallen through the cracks. I ended up getting offered the job at Copper. Finding housing was a true pain in the but until a friend connected me with a mutual friend. I am so blessed to have even gotten a place to stay in Summit County. I was a day or so from telling Copper I couldn’t come because of not finding housing.

December 1st, 2020

I moved up to Dillon, CO. A place I kind of, but not really, wanted to be. I would hear from my friends that they were so jealous of me. They wanted to be a ski bum but couldn’t for a host of different reasons, all legitimate. But here I was, working a job that so many were “jealous” of, and I wasn’t happy.

I want to be careful here because I know how this can look. “Oh you had to go be a ski bum and thats the most trying time of your life? Okay, Kevin. Take a seat and let me tell you what real pain looks like.” I really hope to not come off like that here. This was a tough spot for me. The life I had envisioned for so long and was so close to coming to fruition had disappeared in an instant. I hope you can understand what that feels like.

I was frustrated. I was skiing and I was frustrated. HA. What an oxymoron. But then my mom handed me a book. A book on lament. An unfiltered prayer to God. Raw and emotional. In the book the author said something so simple yet so profound. “Hard is hard. Hard is not bad.” Pffffffff dude come on! This hit me like a BRICK! I had been looking back over the confusing time spectacle that is COVID as hard and that it sucked. But nope. Hard is going to happen in our life. That is what it means to be human. We can’t avoid it. Hard is hard. It is not bad. Hard reveals idols and mine could not have been more apparent. I had placed this job and my career on a pedestal so that when it didn’t come to reality, I was mad. It hadn’t worked out how I wanted it to.

But then I started thinking, and it may be a cliche to a lot of people, but if I place my happiness on the other side of this job working out, when will I ever be happy in my life? Because if this job does work out, I will have trained myself to put happiness on the other side of some thing and will always continue to do that. If I couldn’t be happy as a FREAKING SKI BUM when could I ever be happy? This rocked my world. I started meditating. I started trying to be more present. To live in the now. To enjoy the now for what it is. We spend so much time living in the past and future that the now rarely ever gets any focus. Do you see how unhealthy this is? I could see this trend going in a bad direction. If I started saying that I would only be happy when I was in a relationship, that would be such a toxic way to approach and treat any woman. If I could only be happy once I had moved away from home, would I ever really have somewhere that I could consider home? If I could only be happy when I started making adult money, how would that affect my view of finances and the pitfalls of only ever wanting to make more money? I had to change.

Living in the present. Enjoying skiing was the biggest priority I had. I had made a couple good friends in Summit County, Justin and James, and we had started planning some ski trips. We went and skied Telluride together and I started to fall in love with the sport again. I got to ski Powderhorn with some boys from my days in Grand Junction. I was spending a ton of time taking laps in the park at Copper. I started getting some bigger jumps down, started throwing some tricks. I was loving skiing again. I was getting better and seeing a ton of progression. I was enjoying being a ski bum. The future still seemed unclear but I was happy. I was happy where I was. It’s something that I think is so crucial to our lives. If you can’t be happy now, when will you ever be? I was done trying to become happy and was simply being happy. I started seeing the little blessings of everyday in a hard situation.

A situation that once was only frustrating was starting to bear its fruit.

I joined a bookclub with two really really solid guys and it has changed my life. In a book we just finished called Cry Like a Man the author Jason Wilson says “Only when the wheat is cut down, broken, ground up, and baked in the fire is it ready to feed one or many.” I had been broken down. Mad. Frustrated. Angry. Fearful. All the while God had been shaping my heart into something useful for myself and hopefully through conversation or even this blog, useful for others. I tried to keep a heart posture open to being shaped but it was not easy at times and I definitely was doubtful so often. But with the little that I did hand over to Jesus, he created something in me far greater that I could have imagined. Someone who appreciated this last year. Someone who can say now that I would go through this whole waiting game again knowing what it would bring out of me. Knowing what I would learn.

I recently received a job offer from that same dream role I had mentioned earlier. I could not be more thrilled and excited to start that. But until then I am soaking up time with family and friends.

I am so grateful to so many people for their roles in pouring into me this last year. I was in a rough spot and can’t say thank you enough to those who talked with me, sat with me, cried with me, and loved me so well. To those people, thank you.

I hope you have people like that in your life because holy smokes did I lean hard on those people. Their selflessness was a very needed light in my life. It’s what we are built for right? To live in community and relationship with others? Yes, I understand that we aren’t supposed to do that in large groups indoors without masks with the ‘rona still around, but it is so so so important to have a group of people you can lean on in hard times because they WILL come. Who are those people for you? The ones you can trust to be there for you when it sucks and just listen? Not to try to fix the problem or tell you a story that in many ways one-up’s your story, but to simply sit in the suck. To sit in the uncomfortable. It is a skill that I have now realized is a rare one. But those people are the best and so needed in everyones life. I hope you think about who those people are and say thank you to them.

I love you. Thank you for reading this far. Having read over this blog a few times, I get slightly emotional every time. Not because I am still sad, but because I know where I was and where I am now. Because I know that in the breaking down process is where life really has value. I am so grateful for you. If you could humor me with a favor, shoot me a text or message somewhere if you read this whole thing telling me one thing you learned during this last year. I would love to hear about it. I also would love to let you know in a more intimate way how thankful I am that you decided to read this. Hopefully you learned something through this as well. God is so good.

I LOVE THE HECK OUT OF YOU, DAWG. ALL THE LOVE.

[travelafter55]

Time to go home after a month in Spain and Portugal 2017

My partner Greta and I have been in Spain for two weeks and then Portugal for the last two weeks. Before we knew it, it was time for us to be making our way back from Estoi, Portugual, to the Madrid Airport, from which we were scheduled to depart on Tuesday, May 16, 2017.

Our stay in Portugual was unique and very special. We did a home exchange (homeexchange.com) with a couple from Munich, Germany, who own a vacation home about five miles from Estoi, which is about five miles from Faro, the main city in the Algarve Region of Portugal.

The home was called Casa Sams, and was located off a remote road in the hills about Estoi. The views from Casa Sams were spectacular; the house incredible.

Casa Sams near Estoi Portugal - heaven in the hills

View from Casa Sams--the Atlantic Ocean is in the far distance

We decided to start making our way back to the airport on Sunday, May 15, to ensure we didn’t have to rush to make our 8:35 a.m. departure on Tuesday.

While the trip back to the airport was enjoyable, it reminded us that one of the most important benefits of travel is that it forces people to use their brains, which helps keeps them young. How did it make us use our brains on this short return to the Madrid Airport?

We had left over food at Casa Sams. Instead of discarding it, or giving it to neighbors, we made a picnic for the five or so hours we’d be in transit to our hotel in Madrid. We prepared everything the night before. Sandwiches and fruit became breakfast, consumed in the car. The coffee pot was ready to turn on. We had a check-off list ready for the morning:

-Feed the stray cats -Take trash to the public dumpster -Doors locked, alarm set -Padlock on the driveway gate -Leave house keys per owners instructions

At 8:15, wheels were in the well (an old Naval Air saying). Saying good bye to Casa Sams.

Two-hour drive to Sevilla. Found our way to the Rent-A-Car office at Santa Justa train station. Car turned in, no damage, no dents—only added charge was for gas fill up. Big relief. Reason for big relief? We took the full coverage insurance, on everything. If nothing bad happens to the car, no dent, no scratches, no accident, not stolen, etc., there is no cost.

But, if something happens, another 600 euros or so is added to the bill, so that is why I was relieved. And you should have seen some of the tiny city and town streets were found ourselves on, not to mention driving in Lisbon.

Train ticket office. Our non-refundable tickets for Monday could not be used toward purchase of tickets for Sunday so a travel lesson learned there—do not purchase non-refundable tickets in advance to save money—you might end up losing it. New tickets, 12:45 train. Three stops + Cordoba.

Arrive Atocha Train Station 3:15--drag suitcases to hotel--crap shoot to find because our phone GPS did not work there – hotel close to train station, got to front desk in 25 minutes.

Hotel Sleep ‘n Atocha – nice room, tiny, but adequate for one night. Reasonable, great front desk people--A’lvaro and Sonia. Friendly, helpful, smart.

Went to Café Reina in square adjacent to hotel for sangria and paella, calamari and potatoes with cheese, another glass of wine, sweet choc rolls. Joined in dance lesson on the square, took pics and videos

Dancing in Madrid--people of all ages came on Sunday night

Monday, May 15

Canceled auto tolls credit card for charges in Portugal, which I forgot to do the day before. This was so if rental car went back to Portugal our credit card would have paid the tolls for two more weeks. No added charges had been accrued.

Breakfast at hotel. Secured luggage in lockers so we could stroll around that part of Madrid for an hour or two. One euro per locker. Nice hotel feature as well.

Visited the gardens at the inside front of Atocha station. We had been there 13 years before to pay our respects at that time to the victims of the bombing that took place a week before we arrived there. I was starved, had a Whopper jr. at Burger King in the station.

Atocha Train Station Madrid looking toward the front. Gardens just inside

Atocha Train Station Madrid - Greta in the gardens near the front of station

Taxi mid-afternoon to hotel Hostal Viking in Barajas, near airport. Gave driver 3 Madrid Metro tickets with at least 16 rides on them remaining, which we had left over from our first week plus paid him 30 euros.

At our hotel, reserved the free shuttle ride for 5:30 a.m. from hotel to Barajas Airport, a 5-10 minute ride. A nice feature of this hotel. Rested in our nice room, only 57 euros for the night.

Walked five minutes to Town Square. Enjoyed leisurely dinner watching sound crew set up for 9 pm concert for Festival de Ignacio.

View of stage from our restaurant table Our last meal in Madrid (not counting coffee at the airport in the morning).

Tuesday May 16

Wake up call 4:30 am Shuttle 5:30 Easy check in at Iberia Airlines except confiscated our cork screw we bought in Madrid—was cute. I forgot it was in my red carry on bag.

Breakfast at airport – 2 hours early for flight to London Heathrow Airport.

                                     Trip Summary Lots of positives. Great food, great wine, friendly people (for the most part), no problems at all, weather was pleasant, not too hot, some rain.

C and C and C negative –cigarettes, cellphones and courtesy; people don’t look while walking and are on their cellphones and many don’t get out of the way, they expect you to move. But, after all, we are in their country so that is the way it is.

Portugal isn’t Spain. Very different countries. Drivers more aggressive in Portugal.

Give ourselves (Tom and Greta) a pat on back. Two mid-70s doing the trip on our own for a month; saw a lot; had great experiences.

Good for the brain. So much to figure out. Traffic rotaries. Directions, getting lost in Lisboa, even in Faro, and up to Casa Sams first 10 times. Mileage, money, language, don’t speak Spanish to Portuguese people—they don’t like it. All the Casa Sams things to learn. 5 different places to stay overall on the trip. Next time, get more euros in advance. We did change $100 (easily, no commission)in Lagos, Portugal, three days before we left. Kept phones on airplane mode most of the time so cost low.

The first Madrid taxi-from the airport to downtown--dropped us (and another couple had the same thing happen to them) at the wrong hotel.

Learned how to navigate Madrid Metro

Little purses made out of cork a nice gift from Portugal. Light to carry and very reasonable. Found them in Lagos and Quarteria (on Algarve Coast).

On our flights home:

Greta and I got checked in at Madrid Airport and thru security in minutes. Red Trader Joe’s insulated bag pulled aside. I had to empty all contents, dumped everything out. Guy says wine open. No, wine. He pulls a wine opener souvenir that we bought in Madrid out of bottom of red bag and he was pissed. I had forgotten it, we bought on day two in Madrid. Security behind us.

Two passport and boarding pass checks We were two hours early for our flight to London. Two-hour plus flight to London.

Heathrow Airport Security is very tight

Heathrow Airport was different. We landed at Terminal 4 but needed to connect at Terminal 3. It is a 10-minute shuttle bus ride to Terminal 4. We had a 2 hour 25 min. connection.

Security was tight. PP check. Liquids and gels go in a plastic bag. Everything must come out of pockets, even paper. Belt off. Computer out of bag. Nothing sharp. No water. Xray machine with arms up. Then, the ��iron cross” position for more xrays. Pants falling down. Then step on a wooden stool and a magic magnetic wand checks each shoe.

Then to AAL connection desk. Wait in line, 20-25 minutes. Why? We are all checked through to LAX. All connecting flights. Passport check (pp) and bp check. Interviewed. How long in Europe, why here, to have fun, what work do you do? Teacher, what kind. She stamped boarding passes with green stamp. Then security again. To get to int’l departures. Pp and bp. Then red bag has liquid—2 partially full bottles of bug spray had forgotten—tossed it away because guy said he had to test it. Dumped red bag out again.

We get to Gate H 27 at about 1:15, 45 minutes to spare. I wonder how many connections are missed. There, have to show boarding pass and pp again to get into lounge area.

Then to enter jetway, pp and bp one last time.

Wowser. They are serious about airport security at Heathrow. We understand, that is a good thing. A Boeing 777 American Airlines flight to LAX. The Captain lands it softly and perfectly. It made me think of an AAL advertisement in a magazine, when I worked for AAL in the late 1960s. The caption showed a pilot and he said, “I think of my passengers as eggs.” Never forgot that. A big 777 just landed as softly as can be. We were home; we were safe, with our egg shells still in tact. It had been a great trip.

Andalusia horse at Cathedral of Sevilla in the rain