#wow now i completely neglected studying haha

[taewithxtrasuga]

So, I’m doing the playlist-tag! I’ve been studying for so long, but I took this opportunity to procrastinate haha. Thank you so much for tagging me, @vishcount !! Your playlist is beautiful, the way you descibed your thoughts and how you relate them to Namjoon. Really touching <3 I’ve taken songs that I currently listen a lot to and that accompany me through the days and weeks. I left BTS-songs out on purpose, since it’s kinda obvious I listen to them. I described seven of my chosen songs with Bangtan’s personality, mostly going by the vibe and feeling of it, not the lyrics. The remaining three are just my personal picks. And I noticed how angsty and emo I am haha. 

one - Sunsetz by Cigarettes After Sex

Taehyung This song sounds like its name. It gives me feeling of endless dreamy summer-nights, colourful pastel skies and the blinking lights of the city. Beautiful and endless like Taehyung, nostalgic and dreamy in its soul. In my opinion it fits Taehyung less because of the lyrics, but more due to it’s calm and melodic vibe. It’s melancholic yet makes me feel less alone, allows me to breathe and close my eyes.

two - rain bird by Code Kunst (feat. Tablo and Colde)

Yoongi This reminds me of sleepless nights, a deep and aching feeling in my chest when I see the sky growing brighter in the morning despite not having gotten any rest. Yet it’s so comforting in sound, like heavy rain on a dull day. Since I relate to Yoongi on many personal levels, I could imagine him appreciating the song as much as I do, making us feel understood and less alone. Also we all know how much he loves Tablo (i’m obsessed because of you, thanks yoongs)

three - Cigarettes by OFFONOFF (feat. Tablo, MISO)

Jungkook This song feels like youth to me. Hanging around with your friends, roaming the city or just have conversations at home until the sun rises again. A feeling of belonging, dreamy and young like Jungkook himself. Not without worries, but feeling lighter when in company of those you love. Feeling a bit invincible and not giving a fuck about what happens in the morning, just enjoying the moment of forgetting the world.

four - Dear TV by Tablo

Namjoon I know there’s a lot of Tablo but pls bear with me. This song is sharp and witty like Namjoon. Strong with it’s words, piercing deep with its heavy rythm. Critical mind, accompanied by eloquent words and a sad melody that speaks of helplessness. Even when we fight back, sometimes we are lost ourselvs. It hits my heart and soul, just like some words that Namjoon has said in the past. Ans just like Yoongi, we know Joon is a Tablo-fanboy as well.

five - Take you on a Cruise by Interpol

Seokjin Everytime I hear the first notes of the guitar, my heart stops. Its strong presence sweeps me along and carries me away. I think this fits Seokjin, because it speaks of some sort of comfort. Like we could escape to a beautiful place where we can forget our worries for a few moments, travel the world. Just like him, it has a powerful vibe that captures me, taking me on a journey with ups and downs.

six - instagram by DEAN

Jimin Just like Jimin, the melody and the voice is sweet and gentle. Yet when you look closer, you find the raw and relatable lyrics that talk about worries many people face nowadays. How everyone struggles and doubts. It reminds me of Jimin because no matter who you are, you are not alone in your confusion. Be kind and honest, even with the weight you carry. This song accompanied me through nights with people that made me feel less secluded, because we are all alone together.

seven - Shopaholic by Epik High

Hoseok Just like Hobi, the beat is strong and lively. It has a presence that captures my chest, demanding attention. Yet suddenly it changes into a sweet melody, almost dreamy and careless. It is a song with many sides, that’s why I think it fits Hoseok. It can be strong and sharp, voicing its opinion without a care, but also whimsical and uplifting. Please neither underestimate Hobi nor the song. Everytime I listen to it, I get swept away, immersed. 

eight - Bologna by Wanda

Since I live in Vienna currently, this song has a special meaning to me. After Falco, this is the only Austrian music I listen to. It reminds me of hot and dry summers by the river, on balconies when I drink with people close to me. A certain carelessness, it smells of beer and cigarettes and scented candles. It sounds like crowded bars, dim light and loud chatter. Going to bed when the sun wakes up again.

nine - NMRPM by Gazzelle

This was recommended by a dear new friend of mine, so I hold it very close to heart. Listening to this makes me long for travelling in the south, visiting the sea, try out new things and fight against heat and sun. Pastel sunsets, that burn the sky before turning soft like cottoncandy and baroque-paintings. Everything feels like eternity and also kinda sad. Yet I feel happy and comforted when I listen to it, like maybe one day I could do all those things I dream of.

ten - All Day All Night by SHINee

I guess this is the only upbeat song on my playlist, oops. Since heavy nostalgia is bound to SHINee, I always feel emotional when listening to them. Considering what happend in December, I am so proud of what they are doing now. The song feels fresh and experimental, like taking me on a journey underwater and up in the clouds. The melody has been stuck in my brain for the past few weeks, it sort off took over one entire part of my brain. It also gives me hope. Hope we all need in this time, on this world and in our life.

Anyway, this was a lot of fun! I hope it wasn’t too cheesy and sorry if I rambled too much.  I’m tagging @bangtaninfluenza , @effervescent-bliss , @tottavaitarua ! You can either just simply pick ten songs you love or do something creative, it’s up to you <3 have fun!

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Alma Mater (S2, E3)

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading. 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:20 - There’s no way Martin is actually going to escape Claremont until AT LEAST the season finale.

0:55 - Anyone else annoyed that Ainsley isn’t in Martin’s fantasy? I mean - it’s completely in character but it still pisses me off. 

1:49 - I’m sorry - what? How will pouring Malcolm a drink help this fictional situation?

2:00 - Malcolm ruining Martin’s fantasy dream is honestly such a mood. 

2:10 - “That little kill joy.” haha 

2:21 - Malcolm has a stationary bike. Of course he does. But why does he listen to the personal trainer lady (who I assume was a recording programmed on the bike)? Malcolm doesn’t seem like he needs praise or motivation to exercise. He probably does it the way I do - mindlessly as a habit. A habit built from the knowledge that if I skip a morning workout I will feel more unsettled and anxious than usual before lunch....and don’t even get me started on how quickly my depressive thoughts escalate. 

2:24 - ....I’m still convinced/hoping that this is a false memory Martin has planted in Malcolm. I’m all for Malcolm whump and Malcolm trauma...but the thought of Gil, the team, and Jessica finding out that Malcolm committed a crime terrifies me. I don’t want him to go to jail. I don’t want Gil and the team to turn their back on him. I don’t want Jessica to blame herself (more than usual).

2:39 - I love that the “Malcolm pretty much only feeds himself liquorice and lollipops” is still canon this season.

2:42 - OMG. That is not a helpful affirmation. Like maybe for anyone? If you’re traumatized/depressed/anxious “consider the past and you shall know the future” is not comforting or inspiring. It’s the opposite.

2:48 - I’m loving how confidently Malcolm has been shutting down Martin’s manipulation. #soproud

2:52 - Anyone else super upset that Martin is the person with whom Malcolm discusses his mental health the most honestly? 

3:12 - Check out the way Mr. David looks at Martin here. Does Mr. David already know about Endicott? Or is he just like, “Bitch, spit it out so I don’t have to keep guessing your current family drama.”?

3:17 - “Let’s have another session today.” .....Does Martin really think he’s Malcolm’s new therapist? DOES MALCOLM THINK THAT? IS THAT WHY HE ISN’T SEEING GABRIELLE? HAS MARTIN MANIPULATED HIM INTO THINKING THAT HE DOESN’T NEED GABRIELLE?!?

3:22 - hahahaha OMG. Mr.David is so done with Martin’s theatrics.

3:32 - Ok so two things:

Martin’s insight on Malcolm’s mental health/coping mechanisms is disturbingly on point. Almost like he’s an attentive, caring, father (which he isn’t). 

How long was Gil outside Malcolm’s door before he knocked? Do you think he overheard Malcolm’s side of the conversation? I kind of hope he did. But only if it means I get to see Gil asking Malcolm about it.

3:50 - “Put me on speaker.” I’m torn. Part of me is so proud of Malcolm for denying Martin’s need for attention....but part of me is living for a Martin/Gil showdown where they fight over Malcolm in front of Malcolm.

3:54 - Ok. So Gil was a jerk last episode but I forgive him. Gil just showed up at Malcolm’s apartment to tell him about a case instead of calling Malcolm. Gil knew Malcolm would be upset. Gil knew that Malcolm needed to hear this in person. <3 My heart is full. <3 

4:12 - Concerned!Gil is everything. Look at how much he cares about Malcolm and what this case will inevitably bring up for Malcolm. You can almost see how badly Gil doesn’t want Malcolm on this case. 

4:13 - “What if I said I need you?” Damn. Gil knows. He knows that Malcolm desperately doesn’t want to ever disappoint Gil. Gil is Malcolm’s hero and, when Malcolm is thinking straight, he’d do anything for Gil. 

4:17 - <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Gil looks so sad when he notices Malcolm’s hand shaking. Can a heart simultaneously break and heal? 

4:23 - Oh yeah. Gil definitely wanted Brumback dead for what he did to Malcolm. He doesn’t even try giving Malcolm the “you’re being insensitive” look. 

4:42 - Wow. That school is nicer than my university. 

4:47 - Do you think Gil’s been to the school before? To visit and/or pick up Malcolm? ....I really want to believe he did. Gil looks like he’s leading Malcolm through campus. Gil looks like he’s familiar with the campus. Surely that means he visited Malcolm there. Right?

5:17 - So...was the “office under water” thing officially a prank? It’s brutal. Forget the murder, Brumback would’ve expelled kids for that prank. 

5:27 - I love how Dani looks at Gil for clarification here. She’s like, “Malcolm is upset, ranting, and making no sense. I’m not going to set him off further by asking more questions. But I need to know what the hell he’s going on about.”

5:40 - Soooo is JT texting Dani? Or is Tally? I really hope it’s Tally. I hope Dani’s texts are all reading something along the lines of “He won’t stop pacing and panicking. If he doesn’t calm down I’m going to slap him.”

5:43 - I love the look of disbelief that Gil shoots Dani when her phone goes off. haha

5:52 - hahaha Gil so heard Edrisa the first time. He was just giving her a chance to conform to professional social standards. 

6:03 - hahahaha OMG. Edrisa is a treasure.

6:56 - awww Malcolm, baby. :( This boy has so much trauma. I love it. 

7:07 - I’m assuming Malcolm’s ‘high school’ was grades 10-12 (not 8-12 which is common in the area of Canada where I grew up) so that means Tom Payne is currently being passed off as a 15-16 year old. It kinda works. But ngl - I spent most of this scene thinking “could they not hire a kid because of COVID?” 

7:12 - I’m not actually mad that Tom Payne was allowed to play high school Malcolm though. His performance in this scene is really moving. “Be someone new.” :( <3

7:45 - Sooooo Malcolm changed his name before he was legally an adult. If it’s his legal last name (we see “Bright” on pill bottles in S1 so it’s his legal name now at least) Jessica had to have signed the paperwork. Damn. I wish I was there to see that process regardless of when it became his legal last name.

7:49 - Baby Malcolm looks so comforted by Martin’s acceptance of his new name and new school. It breaks my heart. 

8:00 - Wait. There was a teacher who liked Malcolm at this school? The son a serial killer? AND the teacher recognizes Malcolm 15 years later?!? Nah. I don’t buy it. I love Malcolm but I feel like the teachers would’ve avoided developing any sort of relationship with Malcolm even if they didn’t have a problem with him. 

8:05 - Hold up. This school is so fancy. Are you telling me they don’t have outdoor security cameras? Surely those would’ve told you who the suspects for the desk thing were at least. 

8:15 - awwww poor Malcolm looks shattered here. :( 

8:31 - “Easy. Let’s keep an open mind.”  That is pure Dad!Gil energy and I’m here for it. 

8:39 - Of course. Of course Jessica is involved in the rich school. 

8:51 - I’m on Gil and Malcolm’s side here. Jessica is putting her reputation over Malcolm’s mental health. Shame on her. No no. I will not stand for this - and neither will Gil. Damn. Look at how pissed he is on Malcolm’s behalf. <3 So sweet. 

9:06 - “Pop-pop’s aquatic center”!?!? Soooo is Pop-pop Jessica’s grandfather or Malcolm’s? Either way give me more information about the extended family. Are they dead? Did they disown them after the Surgeon business? I WANT ANSWERS FEDAK. 

9:15 - I swear. Malcolm is the best son/brother ever. The sacrifices he makes for his Mom/sister are unreal. Also - how much do you want to bet that Malcolm was thinking about the Endicott murder coming out when Jessica said, “how soon until they connect that back to me?”. Malcolm looks so sad here. 

9:23 - Nah. I don’t like Delaney. Even on the first watch I was put off by him. Something about him just creeps me out. He’s showing a weird amount of affection for Malcolm 15 years after Malcolm finished school. IDK maybe I was just upset that someone was trying to mimic Gil’s relationship with Malcolm? 

9:27 - oooooooohhhhh Mom and Dad are fighting. hahaha Malcolm looks so uncomfortable. Gil looks livid. Is Gil pissed because Jessica dumped him or because she totally just neglected Malcolm’s well-being for her own? Probably both. Either way, it’s endlessly entertaining. 

9:53 - I’m on Gil’s side here. She dumped him (like a f**ing moron) because she “doesn’t want to hurt him” and because she’s “broken” and “cursed”. Yet - she manipulates her way into cases. Making her business Gil’s. Gil should be pissed - she broke his heart. Again. Like he’s literally been choosing to hang out with Malcolm, Jessica’s (let’s face it) broken son, for more than 20 years. Jessica’s crazy if she thinks that she’s going to get Gil killed or hurt just because she’s a Whitly. Malcolm’s technically a Whitly - Gil hasn’t died yet. 

10:15 - “Not usually.” Dang. That was icy.

10:50 - Yo this is one messed up bible study. Take it from someone who has attended many young adult/teenage bible studies. This is crazy. Usually it’s: read the bible for 5-10 minutes as a group, discuss how you interpreted it for 15-20 mins, pray as a group for 5 mins, then like an hour of tea/coffee, cookies, board games, and general chatting about normal stuff like romance, school, and personal drama. 

11:44 - “Poor Tally.” hahaha I’m willing to bet that Tally is texting Dani - not JT. I just can’t imagine a panicking, first-time father, texting his little sister with accurate medical details about his wife’s pre-labour experience. He’s probably way too panicked to remember the medical jargon that is “foley ballon”.

12:00 - I’ve watched this scene about 30 times. I’m in love with it. Tom Payne’s performance is haunting and I’m a sucker for emotional whump. I love how Dani is concerned about Malcolm but respectful enough to pry until he shuts down. I love Malcolm’s little speech about the hand tremor (even though it doesn’t make sense because baby Malcolm’s hand was shaking when Shannon interrogated him - but that’s a whole different can of worms I’m not going to rant about).

 12:39 - Does anyone else think it’s weird that there’s a bolt on the closet door? Why isn’t there a lock in the door handle like every other interior school door? I mean, I guess it’s because they can be unlocked from the inside and Nicky would’ve needed a key....but still. The things I forgive for the sake of plot. 

13:25 - Damn. Brumback was a real jerk. “I know what you really are.” Do you know how painful that would be for Malcolm to hear? Regardless of what he almost did to Nicky? Everywhere Malcolm goes people accuse him of being just like his father. Is it surprising that in a moment of weakness, with teenage hormones, Malcolm snapped and said, “Eff it. They think I’m a murderer anyways.”

13:26 - OMG. How bad were the kids at this school?!?! Brumback expelled so many kids. Holy hell. Also - Brumback is wearing a wedding ring. Did he get divorced before he died? Did his wife pass away before him? Why was his family not part of this investigation at all?

13:31 - Brumback writing “Malcolm Whitly” instead of Malcolm Bright is....ouch. I just. My heart breaks for Malcolm.

13:37 - OMG. Traumatized people going through PTSD flashbacks should not be unattended next to a pool of water. Honestly - I thought our boy was going to drown. Which the whumper in me would’ve loved but also I don’t think it was right for the plot on this one. 

14:38 - Martin is such a liar. He definitely thinks he’s God’s gift to the Earth. 

15:02 - Martin knows a lot about the security zones. Something tells me this isn’t the first time he’s contemplated escaping. 

15:04 - Oh shit. Daryl has an imaginary cell mate. I know that’s a serious mental illness and I shouldn’t laugh but OMG. The moment Martin realizes that Daryl is delusional is priceless. hahahaha

15:25 - How much to do want to bet Mr. David has a red key card? Martin’s grin confirms it. 

15:40 - Wow. The classrooms in this high school are really big. I would’ve thought this fancy private school would have smaller class sizes.

15:49 - YES. OMG. Malcolm walking into that classroom soaking wet is golden. *chef’s kiss* Look at Gil’s face - it’s a mixture of concern and disbelief. He’s soooo worried about Malcolm right now. <3 

16:07 - It’s a good thing Malcolm’s rich because that phone is never going to be useful again. 

16:20 - ahhahahaha OMG. WTF. Gil’s little twinkle-finger wave is hilarious. 

16:38 - This whole scene Gil is just staring at Malcolm with so much concern. It warms my cold, dead heart. <3

16:46 - Do you think Malcolm looked for his name in the book? Is it the same book? Do you think Brumback expelled enough kids that this is a new black book?

17:08 - Ok. So I immediately don’t like Louisa. That level of confidence and self-absorption is very unattractive. 

17:25 - Louisa volunteers in the library. That’s how she got access to the poison. 

17:35 - “Dude. You’re dripping.” “Yeah. Water does that.” Can Malcolm be this sassy every episode?!? I’m living for it. 

17:57 - “Boys right? Oof” haha I love Malcolm talking to teenagers. I want it in every episode. ALSO - the jock’s story about the two girls - I’m sorry, but I just don’t see how that an expulsion level offence unless the kid is leaving something out of the story. 

18:31 - Of course they talked about this before they came there. DELANEY WARNED THEM. But mostly to keep his little cheating ring hush hush. 

18:55 - And just like that we’ve been blessed with Malcolm in casual clothes. Wish I could’ve seen Gil question Malcolm’s swim though. 

19:26 - OMG. Edrisa is such a cute little nerd. <3 Protect her at all costs. 

20:00 - Gil and Jessica arguing is amazing. I’m loving it and hating it. Because I want them to live happily ever after in a fairytale world but I do enjoy the drama. 

20:06 - hahaha look at how Jessica just pushes Gil to the side and plows on to Malcolm. This woman is fierce.

20:11 - Yes. Yes Malcolm. Tell Mom she has unrealistic and insensitive expectations of you.

 20:18 - What kind of school is this?!? The board of trustee members are buddy buddy with the students?!? 

20:22 - “They’re all from impeccable families.” “So was I” Mic drop. Watch Malcolm drop the truth bombs. This is maybe the best line in this episode. 

20:30 - “And just like you - none of them is capable of murder.” .....well this sentence is going to come back and bite Jessica in the butt later this season. 

20:44 - The fact that these kids think Edrisa is a freshman is actually hilarious to me. 

20:50 - OMG. “Welcome to boarding school. Bitch.” I was ready for Louisa to die right here. She just punched Edrisa and then called her a bitch. No no no. Edrisa is a quirky treasure and we must protect her. 

21:00 - Damn. I wish we got to see the team’s reaction when they found out one of their teenage suspects assaulted their favourite M.E.

21:10 - Why is it soooo attractive when Malcolm wears casual shirts under a suit jacket? 

21:53 - “My vote is for Louisa. The girl’s got a heavy fist.” hahaha I love Edrisa. SO SO much. 

22:05 - Soooo is Jessica some sort of consultant now? They used her to interview cult extractors and now rich, teenage murder suspect. Is she the “rich person investigator” now?

22:11 - Does Louisa know that Malcolm is Jessica’s son?

23:04 - Louisa is a bad liar. 

24:15 - Delaney should be ashamed. He told Nicky who Malcolm’s dad was. He is the reason that Malcolm got locked in a closet for 3 days. He is the reason Malcolm is claustrophobic. This man should have his teaching license seized and be charged with child abuse. What he did was absolutely despicable. 

24:35 - “My mom’s sending a car.” It’s nice that Malcolm doesn’t always refer to Jessica as “mother”

25:00 - This is heartbreaking. I hope Nicky got expelled. If he didn’t - Malcolm experience a bigger injustice than we were lead to believe. Look at Nicky walking away from Malcolm. That kid has no remorse. I don’t blame Malcolm for seeking revenge. Malcolm keeps getting burned by people. Something had to give eventually.

25:30 - The biggest crime this episode committed is that we only saw Malcolm getting comfort from DELANEY. Honestly. Where was my papa Gil moment?!? Or a Dani+Malcolm moment?!?

25:51 - I doubt Delaney tried to stand up for Malcolm. He probably encouraged the expulsion. 

26:05 - “Please.” Yikes. This has been torturing Malcolm for years. Who sold him out? Who ruined his last chance at a happy childhood? Who allowed him to be traumatized further? Who gave him the hand tremor (assuming we’re ignoring the S1 canon). 

26:38 - What. A. Getaway. This school is full of crazy rich kids.

26:55 - “This time”?!? Doesn’t Martin always root for the killer?

27:05 - I love everything about this interaction between Martin and Malcolm. I love how upset Malcolm is. I love how Malcolm calls out Martin for being a bad dad. I love that Martin just sits there and takes it. Martin even looks a little sad. It makes me wonder - did Martin know about Delaney’s cheating ring? Did Martin manipulate Delaney into thinking Malcolm was a threat and convince him to get Malcolm expelled? I can see Martin doing it. If for no other reason than to tarnish the “Milton legacy” at Remington. 

28:04 - UGH. I want to see how Malcolm got out of that closet SO BAD. Who found him? How close to death was he? PLEASE TELL ME IT WAS GIL. Why didn’t Jessica investigate when Malcolm didn’t show up at the Hamptons as planned? 

28:13 - “How you wish that were true.” Ouch. Martin is a real asshole. He knows just how to destabilize Malcolm’s confidence. 

28:56 - Even now, Martin is trying to manipulate Malcolm. Their relationship is so dysfunctional, beautiful, heartbreaking, and complex. I could watch them interact forever. 

29:31 - Look at that little head shake from Mr. David. Martin’s cell is not soundproof. Mr. David heard everything. Mr. David always hears everything. Mr. David knows about Endicott. Istg. 

30:12 - Delaney is a scumbag. He might not be a serial killer but he’s another male, adult asshole who gained Malcolm’s trust and then stabbed him in the back. 

30:37 - OK. So I know, I’ve been hypothesizing that Mr. David is an ally to Martin’s crazy schemes, or that he worked for Endicott, or that Martin is going to try to kill Mr. David. BUT YO. IF MR. DAVID DIES I WILL THROW HANDS. HE’S SUCH A GREAT CHARACTER. 

31:40 - This is a weirdly fancy room for video games. Also I miss JT. He should be here. I wish he was here. He would’ve been so good in this episode. Can you imagine his facial expressions and comments when he finds out little tidbits about Malcolm’s teenage past?! It would’ve been comedic GOLD. Couldn’t Tally give birth during a less interesting episode?!?! 

32:15 - I’m convinced that Malcolm isn’t actually upset that Delaney’s crime is running the cheating ring. I think Malcolm’s upset because he just realized the only positive male role model (aside from Gil) that he had as a teenager was a manipulative liar who betrayed him. Malcolm just realized that this dude never cared about him and he’s crushed.

32:27 - Wait. Does Delaney make the kids pay him for the answers? Because that actually makes sense. 

33:08 - This whole scene where Molly runs out of the back room and Dani says, “who are you running from?” is really cringey to me. 

33:19 - Oh great. Now the guy who betrayed Malcolm is touching the back of Malcolm’s neck. JUST LIKE GIL DOES. Well....something tells me that’s going to taint how comforting Malcolm find’s that gesture coming from Gil for a while. Malcolm just isn’t allowed to be happy. Even for a moment. It’s a shame. I also love it. 

33:40 - Awww...poor Malcolm is claustrophobic and he gets locked in the vault with a dying man. Look how desperate he is to get out of there - to save Delaney and to save himself more mental distress. 

33:53 - Look at Malcolm panicking here. He tries to hide his panic as concern for Delaney but he’s clearly freaking out about being trapped in a smallish space. 

34:25 - Yep. Malcolm didn’t think he could trust Daryl because Daryl is delusional. SO Martin threatens to murder Daryl and then metaphorically stabs the dude in the back. This is perfectly in character. 

35:25 - Damn. Louisa is seriously mentally ill. She has zero empathy. 

35:57 - Malcolm projecting his mental issues on the killer du jour is always simultaneously cringey and amazing to me. 

36:26 - I’m not going to lie. Daryl screaming “He’s a Judas” as he was dragged away was hilarious. 

37:04 - Holy shit. This took a turn. I’ll be honest - I don’t blame Malcolm for almost killing Nicky. But it does scare me. 

38:35 - That story must have been haunting Malcolm for 15 years. I bet you he’s never told anyone not even Gabrielle. He’s had nightmares about it. Because he knows he’s capable of murder. Just like Martin. That terrifies Malcolm more than anything in the world. 

39:12 - sooooo Delaney just heard that whole confession. Delaney lives. Something tells me this is going to be a problem for Malcolm when Endicott’s murder is investigated later in the season.

39:35 - “Are you insane?” “Maybe.” That’s it. That’s the show. 

40:00 - Two questions: 1) Where is Dani? 2) Why does Gil not know where Malcolm is right now?

40:22 - Look Fedak screwed us over. We didn’t get to see Gil find Malcolm half-dead on the floor of that library vault. BUT this scene almost makes up for it. 

40:24 - Malcolm wrapped in a blanket is so so cute. I just want to hug him. I want Gil to hug him. Ugh. <3 

40:28 - I love that you can tell that Malcolm and Gil have had this sort of discussion about Malcolm’s sense of self-preservation numerous times in the past. Gil looks sooooo pissed. And concerned. 

40:35 - Malcolm’s imitation of Gil makes me so so so so happy. I just. Ugh. It’s adorable. Look at how exasperated it makes Gil. Look at Dani’s reaction to it. This might be the greatest “found family”. scenes this show has given us to date. 

40:55 - “All in a day’s work.” Oh yeah. Gil is super concerned about Malcolm’s mental state. Gil is Worried. I want to see more of it. 

40:57 - I love that Dani just can’t wait anymore. She’s so precious. Look at how excited she is about JT’s baby. <3 I’m in love. She’s so soft here - it’s beautiful and rare for this show to let the audience see this side of Dani. 

41:00 - GIL’S REACTION. <3 OMG. I LOVE HIM. HE LOOKS SO HAPPY. I HOPE JT AND TALLY DUB HIM THE BABY’S UNOFFICIAL GRANDFATHER. 

41:02 - MALCOLM’S FACE. <3 <3 <3 IS THIS THE FIRST TIME HE’S EVER SEEN A BABY? HE’S SO ENAMORED WITH THIS CHILD ALREADY. LOOK AT HOW MUCH MALCOLM ALREADY LOVES JT’S KID. <3 <3 IT’S SO SOFT. I LOVE IT SO SO SO SO MUCH. 

41:22 - I can’t decide about this scene. On one hand - I think it’s really mature of Malcolm to apologize to Martin. It’s a courtesy that Martin doesn’t deserve. ON THE OTHER HAND - I wonder if Malcolm is only apologizing to throw Martin off balance. I wonder if this is Malcolm’s attempt to manipulate Martin for once. Either way - I love it. 

42:25 - Martin always gets the last word. He always worms his way into Malcolm’s brain and screws with Malcolm’s sense of self. I hate it. But I also find it so captivating. 

43:05 - Sooooo is Martin committing the murder next episode? Or is he just manipulating someone else to commit a murder? Either way - I’m excited. 

If you read this far - I’m flattered. I also think you’re a little crazy. But thanks for hanging out. 

[stupidpianist]

5 november 2018

13:02: We made it to 40,000 words. Don’t know why this is any more of a landmark than, say, 30k, or 50k, but it felt like a good point to mark our progress. It’s like, wow, we got this far; not without hiccups, of course, and, like, off days when we just didn’t update the blog, but for the most part it’s been pretty consistent, these last two days notwithstanding (haha irony). Wanted to do something “big and new” for this one, something therapeutic, that might help “sort some things out” that I need sorted out in my life right now. Don’t really know how I’m going to do this, but just going to sort of let things “flow out naturally” in this update, I guess?? This isn’t going to be like the other updates, it’s going to be even more egocentric and it’s going to be entirely focused on “me myself and I” in a way that even thinking about it now I’m finding disgusting. Considered writing something like this and then just not posting it, but then was like, no, include this in your experiment, “get it all out there.”

Just forewarning you that this is gonna be really annoyingly self-centred, it’s just going to be an update of me trying to figure out what the heck I’m doing with my life, because I really don’t have a lot of time and I have a lot of things I need to “fix” or “repair” or at least “amend” a bit in this bit of time that I have, before, like, I need to send out applications and whatnot.

But, since this is still a liveblog update, here’s, really briefly, what I’ve done, and what I’m gonna do today:

-Woke up at seven in the morning after getting three hours of sleep

-Felt in a complete dream state, physically couldn’t lift myself off of the mattress

-Continually shut off alarms while still being consciously dreaming (didn’t commit the dreams to memory, though, can’t remember what they are now…)

-Finally got out of bed at 10h50, knowing that I had to make it to my 11h30 class

-Decided against showering, thought, “you shower too much,” splashed water on my head and hair, “chugged” some water, brushed, put on work clothes

-Checked weather via Google Home Mini device, had a brief conversation with Google Home on how they were doing

-Went to piano pedagogy class, stopped for a Monster “Zero Ultra,” which I’ve never had before, was pleasantly surprised at taste; chose it because I didn’t want anything with sugar, even if I know about the detriments of sugar substitutes. Was focusing mainly on not wanting more cavities.

-In library now working on “commemorative” “we made it to 40k liveblog update”

-After this, going to send out a bunch of administrative-related e-mails, read some Foucault (bought a copy of Surveiller et punir finally, really looking to “get into it”), go to my work shift, finish my work shift, practice piano, go home, work out, shower, try not to feel worried

-At some point will also go get a banh mi or something from the music cafeteria because I neglected to pack a salad

So here we go, I guess. Going to put another warning:

!!!!DO NOT READ THIS, LIKE, it’s NOT GOING to be FUN, it’s not going to be interesting, just going to be me ruminating on my own life and trying to work through some stuff, THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING!!!!

Okay, so, feel like I need to be honest with myself, yeah, which is not something I think I’ve done in a while. Need to really analyze what I’m good at, what I’m not good at, and, from both lists, what I want to work on. Reminded of scene in Nightcrawler when Jake Gyllenhaal’s character has a monologue, asking the question, wait, hold on, let me just pull up the script, actually--“Last year I took an online business course, for example. I learned you have to have a business plan before starting a business, and that why you pursue something is as important as what you pursue. The site advised you to answer the following question before deciding where to focus your abilities. The question was ‘What do I love to do?’ The site suggested making a list of my strengths and weaknesses. What are you good at? And what are you not that good at? Maybe you want to strengthen and develop knowledge about the things you’re already good at. Or maybe you might want to strengthen your weaknesses.” Not that I’m trying to, like, model my life after that character no not at all I just was thinking about that scene and that I’m doing something similar.

I think one of the worst aspects of my personality is that I’m particularly disagreeable by nature. After taking a psych personality assessment test with a pool of more than 10,000 samples, I scored in the 2nd percentile of agreeableness. I mean, interpersonally this poses a lot of problems to address, but I think right now I need to slap myself in the face because a lot of my issues stem from the fact that I can’t, or, like, historically, cannot seem to get myself to do anything that I don’t want to do. I don’t think it’s laziness--though I’m definitely also lazy--because I’ll, like, read for eight hours on a topic I’m interested in and not feel drained or exhausted, but on the other hand, if I’m taking a course and we’re on a chapter that doesn’t interest me, the amount of effort it takes to get me to even skim the summary of said chapter seems egregiously high, compared to most people I know. Especially after taking all these psych courses this semester, and learning about the concept of personality, feels like I need to somehow grapple with this, because I can’t keep going through life only doing things I want to do. This leaves a lot of other things in a state of disarray, and if those things aren’t sorted out, it makes it a lot harder, or, sometimes, even impossible, to do the things I actually want to do.

Like, as an example, I already made a list of the professors I wanted to ask for recommendation letters. This list has been in existence for a long time, like, a l-o-n-g time, but I neglected to e-mail them to ask them for the recommendation until just a few days ago. This gives them just a month to write the letters, which isn’t ideal. The only reason I didn’t send out the e-mail, took the tiny amount of thirty minutes to send them out, was because I was like, “I hate doing administrative/bureaucratic things, hate communicating in this way, hate the application process, I’m not going to do it, I refuse.” Until, I was like, “okay, George, if you don’t send out these e-mails nOW, you’re not going to have recommendations, and if you don’t have recommendations you’re literally not going to be able to complete your applications, and if you don’t complete your applications, you will literally have 0 chance of getting into any school, let alone one you want to actually attend.” So I finally did it. And it was just because I was in my disagreeable little bubble of, “I’m not gonna do it, I refuse, I don’t like this.”

So this is now something that I’m hyper aware of. I think the solution to this is to acknowledge that I have a personal responsibility to myself, and to others, to accomplish these tasks, if for no other reason than they facilitate the ability to do whatever the hell I want. If I remember that, if I keep just telling myself that there are some things that are just unfortunately non-negotiable GIVEN THAT I want to do x, y, and z, then I’ll be more likely to accomplish the non-negotiable task to get to x, y, and z. I can feel this working, and it’s a small step, but I’ve never contended with being disagreeable before, I always just accepted it, like, “yup, too bad I guess.” And I am not saying I want to change that, it feels extremely inherent, to me, or, like, it’s immutable in my personality, I just want to adapt and find more ways to operate in the world so that I don’t only have one manner of being, which in itself is extremely constricting, and I want to be as adaptable as possible, just personally, it’s something that I value.

So that’s one thing that’s been on my mind, the other is that I’ve got to admit to myself when I’ve got too much to handle. This is something else I always do with myself, I always downplay everything as if I was smarter than I actually am, I’ll go, like, “oh, that’s going to be a cakewalk, you don’t have to study at all for that,” and, “you know the piece better than you think, just wing the performance, you got this, it’ll be fine.” And then if I have a bunch of tasks that I have to do, like right now, I’ll just keep lying, I’ll keep going, “whatever, George, you can handle this, this is nothing, this is a breeze,” but it rarely ever is a breeze, and if I’m really thinking honestly, I carry pretty consistently high levels of stress and anxiety that I know would be lower if I just accepted that I’m really not as smart as I think I am, and that I need to put in more work than I think I should.

Also need to be like, this isn’t a sign of weakness, or something, like, it’s far weaker to consistently lie to oneself about their abilities. Need to be like, it’s okay to acknowledge, internally and externally, that I’ve got a lot of things to do and I’m not sure I can accomplish them all to a good degree, and that I’m really struggling, because right now I’m actually struggling a lot. Have to prepare and record my prescreenings, finish application packets, on top of keeping up with my five psych courses with finals coming up real soon, and an increased work schedule since my promotion. That’s, for me, okay I’m going to say it, that’s a lot of work for me. And the amount of work that anyone can handle varies from person-to-person and that’s fine, it has no bearing on how “weak” they are, how “weak” they are is only in how they approach the work that they have, right? So I’m freaking out, yeah, if I’m being honest I’m freaking out a lot, and I’m extremely bad at expressing myself, especially face-to-face, with most people, and it’s not that it’s “difficult for me to say these things,” it’s more like, how should I say… It’s more like it doesn’t even occur to me to say, because I’ve gotten so adept at lying to myself that, in a lot of circumstances, I genuinely think that I can take on more than I actually can.

There, that felt good to write, I liked writing that, even if it made me a little sad. Don’t know why it’s making me sad, but I’m going to let myself feel that, just going to let myself feel that way.

Then it’s also like, what are my value systems? What are my frameworks for life? Why am I even applying to master’s programs? Am I doing it for myself, or am I still doing it for my parents? What do I want to get out of life, and how should I go about accomplishing that? So, like, it’d be amazing to teach piano at a university level, it’d be great to be a professor, so it’d be really great to have at least a master’s degree. I want to publish papers and I have a lot to say about a lot of music-related topics, so I want to continue in academia, but on my own terms; there’s so many issues I have, and I’m sure everyone has, with the way the academic sphere is currently run, and I want to do my best to change it, hopefully, for the better. But then, what school do I want to go to?

Going to say something here now that will probably upset my parents a lot, but I really don’t feel that the school, to me, matters nearly as much as the people I’m around. Of course, if the institution is terrible, then it’d be extremely difficult to operate there, but, after a certain baseline, which I cannot really computatively compute and put down in definitive terms, all these institutions feel like small variations of each other. I know it when I feel it, I guess, like, if a place has faculty I like, and facilities that are up to a certain level, then the school itself matters less to me than the location of the school, and the people I’m going to be around. If I got into a “top-ranking” school and got a huge scholarship, but it would mean extricating myself from significant people in my life, I would voluntarily take out a massive student loan on myself and attend a school that would put me in closer proximity to those people.

I think this is because, with more time, I’m more receptive towards the random-seeming nature of everything; people’s lives change on a second-to-second basis, without any provocation or planning, and even when people plan out an intricate future, the reality deviates in such immediate and harsh ways that those predictions 99.99% of the time just are never accurate. So, like, if I’m confident in my own abilities as an academic and as a pianist, then I’m going to a location which I feel would provide me with the most stimulation, the most possibility for personal growth, the best people that I want to keep in my life, and not relocate myself to a place with an ostensibly better “school,” because who’s to say, ever, if it would actually have any positive impact on my later life??

This isn’t making much sense, I’m reading this over and it sounds like blither. It makes sense in my head, trust me, and I’m trying to put it down as clearly as I can. Maybe I’m being too verbose. I don’t know, does it make sense?? All I’m trying to say is, whatever school I choose, the criteria for why I’m going there is going to depend more on the location (how’s the architecture? is there night life? is there a cafe in the area within walkable distance of campus that i really like? are the library chairs comfortable?), more on the people (are they stimulating? do i empathize with enough of them? do i feel comfortable amongst the local culture?), than on, like, the supposed quality of the institution.

I’m making a big deal out of this, I know, but it’s just because to me it is a big deal; it’s a really new mode of thinking that I’ve never really interfaced with, I’ve been told, growing up, consistently, that a “good institution” is what to strive for, and I’m understanding that my worldview simply isn’t compatible with that notion.

So now I’m going to need to create some kind of support network for myself, which is another thing I’ve stubbornly avoided doing, just telling myself, “you’re tough enough not to have one.” This is a lie, and an impossibility. I need to put myself in positions where I’m more likely to have a positive outcome. I don’t trust myself nearly enough to consistently make healthy choices in my life, because that’s not something historically I’ve ever done, so I can’t expect myself to start doing it. What I need to do, I think, is to try and frame the things I do in the day in such a way that they’re conducive and lead to more positive things, on a purely, like, mathematical level. So, like, I can’t trust myself to eat breakfast or lunch. So, a way that I can try and make sure I do in fact eat breakfast and lunch is to wake up at an earlier time than the 10h/11h that I wake up most days. That way, since I’m naturally up more hours, I’ll naturally be hungrier, so I’ll naturally seek out food for breakfast and lunch.

Or, as another example, I can’t trust myself to practice piano for an adequate amount of hours. Like, I really like my playing, and I have a really high-resolution and clear understanding of where I slot in, in terms of pianistic ability, but it could definitely be better if I just made sure I practiced even just a bit more a day. So, if I make a seemingly unrelated decision, like, instead of going to McLennan, make sure you use the music library to a 2:1 ratio that you use McLennan, just by virtue of being in the music library, surrounded by scores and reminders of music, I’ll naturally just be like, “oh hey, I’m itching to play that piece right now” more.

That’s what my plan is, going to try and “set myself up” for inadvertent-but-positive decisions, rather than just naturally going through each day doing “what I want to do,” which usually results in, like, some productivity, and I am still usually getting things done, but it also leads to consistently poor decision making, like, procrastinating on tasks, or spending too long on YouTube.

This is a nice segue, I guess, into my relationship with technology. For years I’ve always used the internet a lot, like, a lot, and in a way this has been great, I’m pretty fricken good with technology, and not just, like programming, or something, but like, I’m fluent with the hardware, and with, like, a staggering amount of software. If I need to figure out how to do something new related to technology, I’ve used it to such a degree that it’s preternatural, and I can sort of “feel out” how to do it intuitively. This is a positive, I think, a definite positive. On the other end of that spectrum, though, is that I interact with social media, and with other people, in a way that I am starting to feel personally disgusted with. I use it as an outlet to feed my personal ego, to try and “be funny,” and to be provocative. Everyone has a public persona, and there’s nothing wrong with this, but I don’t want to view the general public in such a staged way anymore, I think. I used to get a lot out of it, but now, it just feels like I’ve foregone actually interacting with people in favour of, like, experimenting with them.

I want to use social media less, and this has already happened. I wrote a script that deleted every one of my Facebook posts I’ve ever made, like, they’re permanently gone, wiped, so I’ve got a clean slate. And I’m going to use this opportunity to use that clean slate to push updates on things that I’m genuinely interested in, not just in things that I think will make people laugh, or something. I mean, I love making people laugh and feel good, so those things will still come, but I need to stop thinking and participating socially in a manner that, sometimes, focuses exclusively on people’s reactions. I am far too concerned, in a really damaging way, what people think of me. Sometimes this isn’t a bad thing, like, I’m hyper aware of trying to be polite and to not do anything that would annoy the people around me. I am constantly thinking about how to be a respectful person, which I think a lot of the time is good. But it’s also really debilitating because it also means that I’m constantly assessing if what I’m doing is impressive, if enough people are intrigued by me, if people find me fascinating. I need to stop caring about that. The people who find me genuinely interesting will still find me genuinely interesting just by virtue of me being myself. I don’t need to constantly be putting on some kind of act, reassessing the value of that act via the reactions of the people around me.

So I’ve really cut down on my use of Facebook and Instagram, this was, surprisingly, not difficult to do; it felt really natural, just a natural progression in my life, and it’s actually made me feel a lot better, a lot less anxious, a lot more comfortable just operating and going through each day.

I guess everything that I’ve said above could just be summated in that I’m trying to be honest with myself. I guess it’s been a long while since I’ve made an attempt at this; I have a perception of myself that’s gotten so skewed and off that it’s not only inaccurate, it’s dangerous. I can’t keep operating life with this false supposition that I’m actually a lot better at things that I’m not. It’s fine to be bad at things, it’s not fine to lie about being good at them and then, by extension, refusing to grow as an individual and improve on those things. It’s not fine to make excuses for one’s own behaviour, in order to reaffirm a framework of existence that’s only there because one is too lazy, or unwilling to modify it to make it better. I need sleep, I’m not someone who can operate on four hours or anything. I need to eat, I can’t pretend that eating one meal a day is somehow acceptable. I lack mathematical ability, and it’s difficult for me to understand, let alone implement, mathematical concepts, without significant effort. My writing tends to be over stylized, not well thought out, conceptually relying on low-hanging fruit. My papers rely on handfuls of small observations without ever materializing to anything significant. It’s easier, and more pleasant, for me to lie to myself, rather than want to actually work on myself. I’m far too judgmental of everyone. This list could go on forever yada yada wow jesus did I really just write all that about myself?

Feel like this is a good place to stop with this. “Got this out of my system.” Apologising again, I feel weird just penning an entire blog post to such obvious revelations, but I feel severely underdeveloped as a person, especially compared to some other people my age that I interact with, so while this might have been discovered a long time ago by a lot of you, I’m only just now coming to terms with it. Going to stop it there, that’s a whole lot about me, and I’m exhausted at writing about myself.

Hey now seems like a good time to get a sandwich, I think!! Going to go do that, grab a banh mi and a coconut water or something, going to eat it while listening to music and maybe reading some Foucault. Still have three hours before work starts, so I’ll go to McLennan, up to the top floor that I love, to some unused grad student’s carrel, where I’ll be able to look out over this part of Montreal. Then I’m going to alternate between reading and sending out these e-mails I’ve been putting off. I feel like I’ve grown more in this past semester than I have in the entire other years of my undergraduate “career.” Don’t know why this is happening, but I like it, even if it’s been an extremely difficult period in my life. Getting a mental image of animals molting, thinking, like, “it’s always difficult to move into the next stage of your life,” or something.

Can’t live as someone you dislike, or you’re going to be miserable all the time. Need to continue working, not pretending that I have the traits that I like. Need to actually work to attain those traits, to deserve those traits, to possess those traits, so that I actually like myself. Feeling good, yeah, yeah, I’m grinning.

Will update this later. Feeling myself “maturing,” or something silly like that hahah. Feeling a pleasant resignation of something I can’t place. Feeling good.

15:06: Okay I actually have less time than I thought, I misread the work schedule, the event starts at 17h which means I have to get there at 16h. Also forgot that I have to do an assignment for my behavioural neuroscience course that I’m ages behind in. The assignment itself shouldn’t be hard but it’s a reminder that I need to start studying for the upcoming second midterm thing for it. But since I only have, like, forty minutes or so right now I think I’m going to use that time to try and get through a bit of the Foucault? Feel very interested in that right now, seems like a good way, too, to act as a bit of an intermission of other tasks I need to do today. Just as a way of getting organized here are the tasks I need to remember:

-sleep earlier to get up for 08h30 lecture, need to wake early

-do psych assignment

-respond to e-mails

-practice piano

-if time, work out

-shower

-cook dinner

This list isn’t in any particular order, just wanted to, like, “get down on paper” this so that I don’t forget, like, I just remembered the psych assignment while walking to the library, is how “out of it” I am today.

18:34: In practice room now after my work shift. I really like working with my bosses, both of them are great. Did a gigantic training shift yesterday, today’s shift was only two and a half hours, so that was nice that I didn’t have to stay in the booth for HOURS AND HOURS, which is a good environment but also like, if it’s for hOURS AND HOURS it can feel a little oppressive.

Feel excited to get some practicing done, feel like what I’ll do is practice until I can’t concentrate anymore (thinking of Tao Lin’s Can’t Concentrate Manatee, will post a pic of it below), which won’t take very long given that I barely slept last night. Then I’ll head to the music library and do my psych assignment so that I don’t just go home and immediately slack off (always harder to slack in public than slack alone). Feeling myself “setting myself up” for a more productive environment, if I don’t go home immediately after piano I have a statistically higher chance of not immediately going on YouTube, or something.

Okay time for finger exercises.

[phantom-of-the-keurig]

Hi. @wheel-of-fish tagged me in this thingy and I forgot about it until now. Oops.

a - Age: 20

b - Birthplace: California

c - Current time: 10pm

d - Drink you last had: coffee about 3 minutes ago

e - Easiest person to talk to: my other half

f - Favorite song: Hah, it changes like…every few minutes honestly. Right now is a blue mood kinda night, so it’s gotta be Heavy by Linkin Park

g - Grossest memory: Hmmm, I have a lot. I had a neglected dog at work drop maggots from his belly laceration and on to my hair? I also had my pinky almost completely torn off by a bull dog when I was little. The bone was sticking out. It was wicked.

h - Horror yes or horror no: Heck yeah. Love horror movies / shows / books / anything. But not overly gore heavy stuff, like Hostel or Cannibal Holocaust. I’m more of a Stephen King / The insidious trilogy fan.

i - In love?: Mhmm, very much so.

j - Jealous of people?: Honestly, yeah….but not in a bitter way? If that makes sense. More like, wow I’m so happy this person is successful and normal or whatever, I hope they continue to be that way- I wonder what it’s like.

l - Love at first sight or should I walk by again?: Sure. Stranger things have happened.

m - Middle name: My dad gave me my middle name after his favorite porn star, lol….that was fun to find out. But sorry it’s a secret.

n - Number of siblings: 2

o - One wish: Oh god, that’s a tough one. Erm, I just want to not think so much sometimes. I wish my brain would be quiet. :(

p - Person you called last: My Dad

q - Question you are always asked: Hahaha, it’s a tie between “Uh how do you say your name??” And “Are you okay? You look upset”- it’s just my face. Some people have resting bitch face, I have resting sad face haha.

r - Reason to smile: Making someone laugh.

s - Song you last sang: The Asian Jake Paul diss track bahaha

t - Time you woke up: 10 am. Whooo, 4 ½ hours of sleep! That might be a new record.

u - Underwear colour: Blue and grey

v - Vacation destination: New York City. I miss it.

w - Worst habit: God I’m like a walking case study of bad habits. (ಥʖ̯ಥ) I over think constantly, I can’t quit coffee, I bite my nails, I talk too much, I get nervous and bite my cheek and don’t notice until I’m like bleeding, I procrastinate, I avoid sleep, and I isolate myself often.

x - X-rays: I had one done of my ankle last month. It ruled out any bone issues, hah. You could actually kind of see my torn tendon on there too, which is odd.

y - Your favorite food: I really love sushi.

z - Zodiac sign: Ted Cruz.

Okay so I tag @ben-solo-needs-a-timeout @ladycavalier @rienerose @queenofthemorgue @phantoms-pseudonym and @spooky-mormon-hell-dream

[mysticscanlations]

That Summer Chapter 90 Translation!

TIME FOR HB’S BRIEF BACKSTORY GUYS... IT’S DEPRESSING AF

top 3 rated comments from the Comico site are posted at the bottom of the translations ^^

Title: Welcome, First Time To My House? (T/N: lol I bet author-nim's a lowkey ARMY)

Small text: Ah

YW: Stairs, stairs!

-It's on the 2nd floor.

YW: At home? There's no one.

-Mom's still working outside—

YW: It'll still be a while till she gets back.

-..Why are you so surprised?

(T/N: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) )

YW: It's on the left.

Small text: Haha

YW: Aren't you glancing around too much?

-There's not much to see, hurry and come in.

SFX: Click

SFX: Creak—

SFX: Close..

YW: Get comfortable.

YW: Whew—

-Maybe I should've bought something refreshing from the store on the way back.

YW: It's way too hot.

-Let's open the window first—

SFX: Rattle—

SFX: Flap..

YW: Sit next to me.

-The rotation mode on this thing is broken so it doesn't turn.

SFX: Clatter

YW: This side's cool, Hee Bum.

YW: Now that I think about it, it's the first time.

YW: For me to bring someone to my house..

HB: Thanks for inviting me.

YW: When I was in elementary school, I went to my friends' houses a lot.

-But I've never invited them to my house.

YW: Even though it's a really meaningful house to my mom and I.

YW: I didn't want to look poor and shabby in front of anyone.

YW: Just watch.

YW: I'm going to live better than any of those guys who grazed my shoulder.

-With my own strength.

HB: Ah—

-It must be nice for you, hyung.

YW: What?

HB: You're choosing the path you want and living that way.

-And you have a good relationship with your mom.

HB: I have none of that.

-My parents are complete dead-ends. I can't do anything that I want to do.

SFX: Pft—

HB: Huh...?

-What, why are you laughing?

YW: No—

YW: I was just thinking that in the end, you're just another typical Tae Poong High young master.

YW: They can do that if you self-reflect, your back is warm, and your stomach is full.

Small black text: Huh....?

YW: You receive all you can receive,

-and you enjoy all you can enjoy.

YW: If you have a conscience, then you should at least live by listening to your parents.

HB: Don't make me laugh!

HB: You can live that way, then!!

HB: … Hyung, you don't know anything about my family.

HB: You know, my father's an awful neat freak.

-If the label of a bottle in the fridge isn't completely facing forward, he'll lose it.

HB: And... whenever he sees me,

HB: he always looks at me like he looks at those mispositioned bottle labels.

White text: Almost as if I was the only stain in his life—

Text: Father used to be known as “rags to riches”. Whenever I ran into people, they would grab me and tell the story of how he would only wear socks when he went to his friend's house for fear that they'd get a hole in them.

Text: The king of personal connections, he went to Tae Poong High and then Seoul University. He was the eloquent student body president, and no one could dislike him.

Text: Back then, father met a girl who had been in the same class as him.

-He said he truly loved her.

Text: Even now, when he drinks, he'll occasionally bring up that story.

Text: Father also had another dream.

-It was to have power that nobody could look down on.

Man: Mr. Kang.

-Have some tea before you go.

Text: At that time, Father was taking private lessons at Seongbuk-dong.

-It seems a wealthy man's only daughter took a liking to Father.

Man: Mr. Kang, did you say that you were aiming towards politics?

Text: In order to get started, he needed money.

Text: Father threw away his first love and married the wealthy man's daughter.

Text: But there was no way for that marriage to go smoothly.

Text: Father couldn't forget his first love.

Text: But it was too late. After seeing her passing out wedding invitations at the class reunion, he disappeared before her eyes.

Lady: Kya!!

Worker: I apologize, I apologize, Congressman.

-This worker is still undergoing training...

HB Father: It's alright.

Worker: I'm very sorry.

-You, hurry and apologize too!

Lady: Are you really alright?

HB: The woman who looked just like his first love

-was working part-time to gather money for tuition.

HB: The age difference with my dad was probably...

HB: Around 15 years..

HB: In order to protect his assets, my grandfather

-interfered in every policy my father proposed.

HB: Whenever that happened, my father went to meet with the woman who looked like his first love.

-And he looked down on her.

Text: You should resemble your father—

HB: He'd ask why she was such an idiot.

Text: If you don't want to be hated by your father, you have to study hard.

HB: Whenever she made a mistake,

-he'd ask why her brain was so... dumb.

Text: Got it?

HB: Whenever she tried to run away,

HB: he bought her bags, he bought her a car.

-When she had a kid, he even bought her a house.

Text: You definitely must be that way—

HB: But in the end,

-the woman ran away by herself again when the kid was 7 years old—that's right, that kid was me.

HB: Before things got out of hand, Father must have convinced grandfather that he would raise me.

-Grandfather didn't want Father's political career to end. His only daughter was also sterile.

HB: —That time, I went to my grandparent's home for the first and last time.

Text: Hee Bum, dad will follow you in right away. Wait in the garden.

Text: Father probably went to go smoke a cigarette.

-Back then, even the slightest thing prompted him to go smoke.

Small text: Wow..

White text: Ah—....

White text: Hi? You must be Hee Bum...

(T/N: BREH his dad is so messed up wtff)

HB: ..From then on, Father acts like he's a successful politician,

-but he ruined too many people's lives. That guy is

HB: extremely~

HB: selfish.

YW: Come here.

YW: ...Since you hugged me before.

HB: … You know, hyung. Keep what I just told you a secret.

-I don't usually tell this to anyone...

YW: It's usually like that.

-It always happens when you go to a friend's house.

-Isn't that why everyone wants to go to each other's house when they become friends?

Small text: Is that so

HB: Somehow I feel a bit refreshed after talking.

HB: Can I come visit again?

YW: After the CSAT, come whenever.

YW: I'll walk you to the station.

-Let me use the bathroom real quick.

YW thoughts: I got absolutely no studying done today.

HB: You used the bathroom back at the station before, though.

SFX: Splash—

SFX: Creak

SFX: Tap

HB Father: I enjoyed reading this.

-I read it very carefully.

HB Father: While reading it, I was reminded of my younger self.

HB Father: Since I also grew up in a similar circumstance as you.

HB Father: A circumstance similar to neglect,

HB Father: excluded by the others.

HB Father: Who would I resent?

-As Sartre said, we're just starting with our existence that was thrown into this world.

HB Father: They say you can choose between two things.

HB Father: Either stay where you are or move forward.

HB Father: Some might see the choice as irrational,

-but choosing between the two can be quite simple.

HB Father: I chose to move forward.

-Like you did.

HB Father: From what I see, we're quite similar.

YW thought: Now that I think about it, he did say something like that...

-That we're similar.

YW thought: But after hearing that guy's story, it wasn't a compliment...

YW thought: Then again, I think he also said that.

Black text: —Maybe you'll be a good mentor for my son—

Text under symbol: Lose-lose situation

(T/N: I'm not 100% on this translation T___T If anyone knows what that character means, maybe it'll make more sense)

Small text: Um..

YW thought: By chance, if there comes day my relationship with Hee Bum gets found out, things will get really complicated.

-This is the absolute worst situation..

1st rated comment: Today we've seen all of both children's pain.. Even if I already knew, I can feel it even more now ㅠㅠ

2nd rated comment: Because Yoo Won and Hee Bum were in a small space together, I unknowingly got nervous while reading lolol ha,,,,,, lololololol

3rd rated comment: I can understand why Hee Bum was so obsessed with Yoo Won now ㅜㅜ I expected the father was bad, but he's worse than I thought...